03.06.25
10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure
1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. Additional reporting bySam Brodsky
Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem.
So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”
You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”
Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks.
Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.
Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.
1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.
“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.
2. Find the lesson in comparison.
You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.
There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.
The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.
3. Don’t let criticism crush you.
Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally.
Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!
Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable.
4. Prove your insecurity wrong.
This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”
You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!
5. Flip the script on self-talk.
Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD.
“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs," Dr. Hayes says. "Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you're feeling insecure.
6. Start asking questions.
When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.
First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.
Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?
Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort.
Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.
7. Check in with your people.
When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.
When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured.
Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.
8. Remind your body that you’re good.
Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.
9. Take note of the positives.
Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.
10. Explore the root of the issue.
If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”
Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
