Pro Tips Link Copied 08.08.24

7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

You! Matter! BySam Brodsky

Self-worth means thinking of yourself as “a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration,” according to the American Psychological Association. In other words, it’s believing you’re good enough to be loved, seen, and heard, explains therapist Allison Guilbault, LPC. Even though we’re all born with something to offer the world, self-worth is about knowing  we have value, says Guilbault. Self-worth is being able to walk into a room and feel like you’re enough, she adds.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels like that—and maybe you struggle too. When you have low self-worth, you might think, “I’m not interesting enough to have a conversation. I’m not pretty enough to be at this bar. I’m not successful enough to be at this table. There’s so much ‘not enough-ness,’” Guilbault explains.

A lot of things can shape that insecure mindset, but your early childhood experiences are a major factor. Caregivers, siblings, and peers can all shape how we see our worthiness in the world, says psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, a member of the Wondermind Advisory Committee. That’s because, during the years we’re still learning so much about ourselves, we’re more likely to believe those who make us feel like we’re not good enough, explains therapist Averry Cox, LMFT, LCMFT. Sometimes, we internalize those messages and they become part of how we see ourselves, notes Dr. Wang. 

Experiencing trauma can also impact your self-worth if you blame yourself for it happening and believe you’re “inherently unworthy or flawed,” says Dr. Wang.

Mental health conditions can play a part too, says Dr. Wang. To be clear, a mental health condition doesn’t always lead to lower self-worth. But if you feel ashamed or judged for having a diagnosis, you might feel like you’re not a valuable asset to society or even your friend group. It’s also possible for a condition to impact how you see yourself. With depression, for example, you might feel generally worthless, per the American Psychiatric Association. If you have anxiety, you might find yourself overanalyzing what people think of you or doubting yourself, says Guilbault.

Whatever the origin of your plummeting self-worth, not feeling valuable as a human being can lead to I-hate-myself vibes, low self-esteem, negative self-talk, shame, and isolation, says Cox. And that objectively sucks. 

If you’re feeling this way though, all hope is not lost. There are lots of ways you can boost your self-worth and start seeing your value in a new light. Here, we asked mental health pros exactly how to do that. Behold!

1. Shift your focus. 

When it feels like your life is going to hell, it’s often due to changes in the external things you identify with, like your job, how you look, your relationships, etc. Placing more stock in those parts of life makes it harder to see ourselves positively when things go wrong, says Guilbault. 

So, when you’re feeling particularly terrible, shift your focus to your values, or the things you think are most important in life, Guilbault suggests. These could be broad concepts, like honesty and authenticity, or more specific, like friendship and financial security. While values might involve other people, places, or things (see: friends, jobs, partners), they don’t become less important when those external factors go away.

Unlike your friends, employers, or partner, your values come from within and only change if you want them to. That makes them particularly helpful in building self-worth amid the chaos of life, says Guilbault.

Now, if you don’t know what your values are, that’s OK! Just ask yourself: How do I want people to describe me in a room I’m not in? Loyal? Kind? Smart? The answers usually show you what you value, says Guilbault. 

Once you’ve identified them, spend some time journaling about how you embody those values and what else you can do to get aligned with the things that are important to you.   

2. Be nicer to yourself. 

The more you repeat something in your head the more you believe it, says Guilbault. That’s why a consistently mean or judgy internal dialogue can keep you feeling unworthy. If you practice saying nice things instead, that’ll help you drown out the negative thoughts and start to believe in yourself. 

There are two things that you can try. One is naming or writing down things that you like about yourself, suggests Guilbault. It might sound cheesy, but that can remind people of their strengths and uniqueness (which they might forget about if they’re feeling worthless), she says.

Another is practicing daily affirmations, Guilbault suggests. You can recite things like, I’m doing the best I can, I have value, I am not unworthy of people’s time and attention. You might notice that these aren’t overly cheery, and that’s because the best kinds of affirmations are ones you believe. So, if you’re down bad, start reciting some neutral and realistic affirmations before bed or as you make your morning coffee. Even, I’m not a piece of garbage, works, Guilbault notes. Over time, you can work up to more optimistic ones. 

3. Check who you’re surrounding yourself with.  

Even as an adult, being around people who don’t value you can feed into your sense of worthlessness, says Guilbault. That could look like dismissing things you say or achievements you make, judging or nitpicking you, or not giving you the same time and attention you give them.

So, take inventory of who you spend time with and how they make you feel, suggests Guilbault. If you find that you’re dedicating too much time to people who aren’t giving you good vibes, think about what would make you feel better within those relationships. Maybe it’s seeing them less in general, limiting the one-on-one hangs, or totally cutting ties. It’s not easy, but taking action proves to yourself that you deserve more, says Dr. Wang.

4. Optimize your time alone.

If being by yourself always involves ruminating, feeling left out, or negative self-talk spirals, it’s time for a vibe shift, says Dr. Wang. To ensure that your self-worth is indestructible in the face of Saturday-night solitude, you have to learn to enjoy your own company. 

The first step is doing things that make you feel good when you’re by yourself, says Dr. Wang. It could be something relaxing, like watching a movie; productive, like making your lunches for the week; or fun, like reading that spicy book your friends recommended. Whatever it is, you should feel content while you’re doing it. If not, try something else.

5. Turn judgment into action.

People with low self-worth tend to judge themselves: I shouldn’t have missed that appointment. I should own a home by now. I should have more friends. These types of thoughts can keep your self-worth down because they put the spotlight on your perceived setbacks and failures, says Guilbault. And when you have low self-worth, it can be extra easy to hold onto proof that you suck, she says. Then, the shame cycle continues. 

But tweaking these ideas to be less judgmental can encourage you to do something about the stuff that’s bothering you, says Guilbault. So, instead of, I should have more friends, maybe it’s, I want more friends (if that’s actually true). Likewise, I shouldn’t have missed that appointment, can become, I’m not going to miss my next appointment. Use that reframe as motivation to take action, which is way more empowering than beating yourself up. 

6. Go do a thing.

When you have poor self-worth, it’s hard to believe in yourself. But accomplishing a task can show you that you are  a capable human being, Dr. Wang says. Set a tiny goal that you can achieve, she suggests. Learn a word in a different language every day for a week, paint an old dresser, or try pickleball. Your sense of accomplishment or creation—even if it’s small—can be extremely empowering, says Dr. Wang.

7. Consider enlisting a professional.

If you feel like you’re struggling with your self-worth, seeing a therapist can help you unpack why you feel this way and set goals for what you want to do about it, says Cox. While pretty much anyone can benefit from the help of a therapist, when your low self-worth gets in the way of doing life, that’s a good sign you could use an assist.

The post 7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.25.24

28 Self-Love Affirmations That Won’t Make You Feel Like a Fraud

Being delulu can only take you so far. ByOludara Adeeyo, LCSW

Practicing self-love in a world that demands a lot of us isn’t easy. At school or work, we’re asked to go above and beyond to succeed. At home, we may have people, animals, or things that depend on our care—even if it’s just a pile of dirty laundry. All of that can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself, depleted, and like you’ll never be enough. That’s where self-love affirmations come in.

As a mental health therapist and affirmation pro (no, for real, I write books full of affirmations), I am here to say that you’re more than enough, no matter what slander your negative thoughts spread. 

If you’re not familiar, self-love affirmations (or any kind of affirmation really) are positive statements you can use as a healthy coping mechanism when life gets you down. These little phrases flip the script on the rude lies you tell yourself or limiting beliefs you subscribe to. Ultimately, kicking off an affirmation practice can help you improve your mental fitness, reconnect with who you are, and start believing in yourself again when your insecurity is raging. You’ll likely find that, yes, you are incredible and unstoppable.

It’s not even that hard. You can incorporate affirmations into your routine by repeating them to yourself in the mirror as you get ready, at your desk, or in your car. If you want to really dig in, set aside a block of time to concentrate on them, quietly writing them down or repeating them out loud to yourself or just in your mind. You can use affirmations as soon as you wake up, during a break in your day, or before you go to bed. Ultimately, the best way to use self-love affirmations is whatever way works for you. That could be every day or as needed to increase your self-esteem. 

When you add affirmations into your self-care strategies, you’ll quickly start to see the effects of speaking positively to yourself. Your self-love will get a boost, you’ll prioritize your needs more easily, and find it easier to help those who need you. 

Sounds amazing, right? Well, the catch is this: In order to be effective, your affirmations need to be realistic. Unfortunately, they won’t work if you don’t actually believe they’re true. 

And that’s where I come in. If you’re ready to get started, here are 28 affirmations that feel down to earth and pragmatic enough for your Debbie downer mindset to accept. Plus, they’re specific to whatever struggle you’re going through. 

As always, choose what works for you, leave the rest, and prepare yourself for some serious self-love. 

When you’re comparing yourself to others

It’s true, comparison is the thief of joy. Still, comparing your looks, life, or aesthetic to others feels unavoidable when social media delivers your high school classmates’ lives straight to your eyeballs. Three kids? New car? Fourth vacation this year? Cool.

But, remember, you don’t know the full story. Everybody’s life has a hard part to it. That’s why it’s best to trust your life’s path and focus on your journey. Your life is yours and nobody else’s—so it deserves your full attention. When you’re stuck in a social media comparison trap (or any kind), use these affirmations to see yourself out.

1. I trust that what’s meant for me will not miss me.
2. My life’s path is uniquely designed for me.
3. Comparing myself to others distracts me from my life’s purpose.
4. I will not envy other people’s lives, as I don’t know the full story.
5. I choose to see the good in my life and trust its journey.
6. My life’s story is still unfolding, and I will not allow comparison to steal my joy.
7. I choose not to judge where I am in life.

When you’re feeling unmotivated 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by life. We’ve all been in that place where it feels impossible to do anything productive or positive, and you can’t predict when it will strike. Whether you’re in a depressive funk, burned out, or just took a couple Ls, try not to let any of these hurdles hold you back. Instead, be gentle with yourself and use these realistic self-love affirmations to inspire self-care and a bit more confidence.

1. I deserve the same love and appreciation I show others.
2. I am capable of tapping into my inner confidence.
3. Doing what feels right for me is OK.
4. I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
5. My mindset can help me reach my goals.
6. I release the negative thoughts that are holding me back.
7. My past does not dictate what my future will be.

When you’re going through a stressful time

In the thick of it, taking care of yourself is probably the last thing on your mind. Self-love? Don’t know her. But to prevent yourself from spiraling deeper into stress-induced emotional despair, you’ll need to make time for yourself and some positive self-talk. Even if you’ve just got two minutes, take a deep breath and repeat one of these self-love affirmations.

1. I will get through this hard time as best as I can.
2. I inhale peace and exhale stress, anxiety, and all the things that are bothering me.
3. Making time for myself in the midst of my stressors is a priority.
4. This feeling is temporary, and I will be at ease again soon.
5. I am in control of my reactions to stressful situations.
6. I deserve rest even when I’m stressed.
7. I will not believe the lies my anxiety tells me.

When work is a lot right now

Most of us have work, coworkers, clients, deadlines, and other tasks that have to be handled in order to pay our bills. But when our job is becoming a little too much, it can impact every area of our lives. If you’re in one of those seasons where the 9-to-5 feels like nonstop nonsense, it’s time to pull out the self-love affirmations so you can finish the week feeling just a little better than when it started. 

1. I am confident in my abilities to complete all my tasks.
2. This job provides me with the means to take care of myself.
3. I am grateful for my job, even when it’s pissing me off.
4. My efforts at work are more than enough.
5. Each day is a new opportunity for me to achieve greatness.
6. I will try to be patient and understanding with difficult situations.
7. I do not have to respond with urgency to everything at work.

The post 28 Self-Love Affirmations That Won’t Make You Feel Like a Fraud appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.26.24

7 Self-Compassion Tips That Aren’t Just Pep Talks in the Mirror

Yes, we actually want you to schedule “mean time.” BySam Brodsky

So you messed up your calendar and completely ghosted your friend at dinner. So you got scary news from your doctor and couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the workday. So *everything* felt extra heavy the past few weeks or months. When shit happens and/or we experience uncomfortable feelings, it’s easy to get down on ourselves. Enter: self-compassion.

According to the American Psychological Association, self-compassion means taking a “noncritical stance toward one’s inadequacies and failures.” Therapists we spoke to see it in a similar light. It’s acknowledging when you’re in emotional pain and being kind to yourself when that’s happening, says Jenna Klein, LCSW. According to Raphael Apter, LMHC, it’s giving ourselves grace and supporting ourselves when where we’re at isn’t where we thought we’d be.    

The tricky thing is, self-criticism might actually come easier to you than self-compassion. We sometimes learn to be hard on ourselves from our environment. If you’re in a friend group where everyone values career success and you’re not doing so hot in that department, hating on yourself might come easy, for example, Klein explains. And, at times, the negativity we pile on ourselves comes out of discrimination and mistreatment from others, says Apter. All this to say: it’s hard to accept yourself and how you move through life when others don’t.  

That’s why self-compassion is so important. When you choose to show up for yourself no matter what, you’re, in a way, expressing self-love, Apter says. You’re combating negative thoughts and judgments you hurl inward when mishaps and disappointments and inevitable hard times happen, says Klein. 

Of course, if you’re not a seasoned pro at being kind to yourself, it might feel unnatural at first, but the more you flex your self-compassion muscle, the easier it’ll be, says Klein. That said, it’ll continue to be something you have to practice because…well…life. “There are always going to be situations where we wish we acted differently or situations that made us feel bad about ourselves, and all of that could result in either judging ourselves for it or treating ourselves with kindness,” notes Klein. You have a choice which avenue to go down, and even if you start to get judgy, you can use what you learn here today to pivot. 

Plus, if you practice this stuff daily, which Apter recommends, you’ll know what works for you when you need it most. Here are seven ways to be more self-compassionate—straight from therapists who help people do just that. 

1. Feel your feelings instead of judging them.

You know what doesn’t help when you’re angry, hurt, or sad? Bullying yourself about what you’re feeling and why you can’t just snap out of it! You’re feeling bad about feeling bad, which isn’t at all helpful, says Klein. On the flip side, sitting in the discomfort and being kind to yourself when you’re not OK can actually help you surf the emotion a bit easier, she notes.

Klein suggests doing something that enables you to process or release the emotion, like journaling or talking with a friend, instead of avoiding it or hating on it. Name that it’s happening—like, “I feel angry” or “I feel disappointed”—and why  it’s happening, she says.

You can then ask yourself what you need in that moment as you’re going through whatever emotion you’re going through, she adds. Do you want to take a bath? Talk to your therapist? Go for a walk? Listen to a Taylor Swift album that matches your mood? Pick something that makes you feel like you’re taking care of yourself, Klein notes.

2. Reframe your “should”s. 

You might not think that using the word “should” or “shouldn’t” counts as negative self-talk that needs a compassionate redirect. But, it totally can—especially when you’re judging or pressuring yourself, notes Apter. “I hear this all the time. ‘I should  have gone to the gym last night. I shouldn’t  have watched The Real Housewives  on my couch,’” he explains. Oftentimes, “should” is a shame-filled statement based on “arbitrary standards created by society,” licensed clinical psychologist Melissa Robinson-Brown, PhD, previously told Wondermind. Instead, focus on what you can do or reasonably have the capacity to do in that moment, suggests Apter. 

Maybe you get home from a long day and you have a long list of chores, but you’re beyond exhausted. Instead of saying things like “I should do everything on this list,” you can say, “I’m able  to do a few things off of this list right now,” suggests Apter. Or you can literally change your “should” statement to, “I give myself permission to take the night off” or “I give myself permission to do three to-do list items tonight.” Either way, this grants you the go-ahead to do (or not do) X, Y, Z thing you’re shaming yourself for, he says.

In these instances, avoid using “only”—as in, “I give myself permission to only do three things”—because that’s also steeped in judgment, Apter says. Saying you only  did three chores on your to-do list is…well…not overtly mean, but it’s still mean enough! You’re not giving yourself credit for what you actually were able to get done. 

It’s great to reframe these judgmental phrases in the moment, but if you need some help, you can always write them down on Post-it notes around your house (or wherever works for you), says Apter. One of his clients even has something like this tattooed on her arm. Sure, that might be a bit extreme, but it’s a nice lil permanent reminder!

3. Treat yourself like your own best friend.

If all of this is hard for you, try to shift your inner dialogue so it sounds more like the way you talk to your friends. We often judge ourselves more harshly than others, says Klein, and you probably wouldn’t tell your friend to just stop feeling so crappy and get over it. You’d let them feel whatever it is, you’d assure them that you get why they feel this way, and you’d check to see what they needed, Klein says. 

So, if one of your friends texted you saying they were super upset they didn’t get a promotion, you wouldn’t tell them they weren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with them. You’d validate their frustration/tears because they work really hard—and of course it’s disappointing to not get a promotion when it seems like everyone on LinkedIn is. Then, you’d maybe tell them that this feeling isn’t going to last forever, give them a pep talk, or ask them what they need to get through this meh time, Klein notes. Now, try that same approach with yourself. 

Another way to practice this is with a self-compassionate letter. Pretend that someone you care about, like a friend, is going through a hard time and shaming themself for it. Fill the letter with positive affirmations and things you know they’d want to read, clinical psychologist at McLean Hospital’s Trauma Continuum Michaela Swee, PhD, previously explained to Wondermind. When you’re finished, cross out the person’s name and replace it with your name. 

4. Find the teaching moment in mistakes. 

Being self-compassionate doesn’t mean you’re ignoring things you need to improve on or escaping regret, says Klein. You’re not letting yourself off the hook. You’re acknowledging that something you did sucked and/or you want to do things differently, but you’re not  treating yourself like your own personal punching bag for messing up, she explains. You’re reminding yourself that all humans make mistakes (cue that one Hannah Montana song) and reflecting on it, she says. 

Instead of beating yourself up for dropping the ball on plans with a friend, you can take accountability, apologize, and contemplate—in a journal, in a voice note, with a friend—what you’d do differently next time, says Klein. Perhaps you would set reminders on your phone so that you didn’t get so caught up in your busy schedule that you forgot about seeing this person. Maybe you’d make plans for a different time of day—or different day of the week. Focus on what’s in your control as opposed to harping on your mistake, Klein notes. Bottom line is that you can take accountability and apologize for mishaps, but the compassionate part is also forgiving yourself, adds Apter.

5. Notice negative self-talk patterns. 

Being able to recognize when we need self-compassion makes it so much easier to give it to ourselves, says Klein. “Without awareness that this is happening, you can’t really do anything about it.” So try to look out for what sets you off on an unkind spiral. Klein suggests asking yourself the following when you’re in mean mode: 

• What do I normally say to myself? 
• How do these judgy comments feel in my body?
• What mood am I usually in when I’m mean to myself?
• When I’m being internally mean, am I comparing myself to others?
• Who’s voice is this? Does it sound like me or like things other people might’ve said to me? 

Once you identify these patterns, you can do some of what we already talked about, like thinking about how you’d talk to a friend, finding lessons in mistakes, or pivoting your language.

6. Remember you are your own person (and you change). 

We’re all very good at comparing ourselves to other people. And when those comparisons send you down a self-criticism spiral, it’s helpful to remind yourself that you are…not them! 

Let’s say you were recently dumped, and you’re giving yourself a hard time because, instead of getting back out there a week later like your friend did during their  breakup, you can’t stop, won’t stop crying and you’re semi-stalking your now-ex on IG. You and your friend are different people, though! Self-compassion would be reminding yourself that everyone’s process is unique and embracing stuff that fits into your  process, says Apter. You might actually need time to get back out there—and that’s OK. 

Self-compassion also means reframing your thoughts when you’re comparing yourself to older versions of you. Instead of saying, “I used to run all the time, and it just doesn’t do it for me anymore. What the hell’s wrong with me?!” try to take the viewpoint of, “Maybe my needs have changed,” notes Apter. Maybe you need to do some self-discovery work to find out what you enjoy now or what coping skills make sense for where you are in your life.  

7. Grant yourself “mean time.”

If flexing your self-compassion muscle has you feeling more  guilty and ashamed when you do get down on yourself, that’s obviously not the intention. When that happens, you might need five or 10 minutes to let out what’s going through your mind, even if it’s a bit harsh, notes Klein. It’s like worry time, if you’ve heard of that, she says. 

Keep in mind that, for some people, this may turn into a spiral of negative self-talk they can’t get out of, which definitely isn’t helpful, says Klein. However! For others, it could be just the thing they need to get the mean stuff out of their system, she says. This way, they can move on to the compassion part by treating themselves like they would a friend or thinking about what they can do better next time. Yeah, that can seem counterproductive, but it actually might work for you. 

The post 7 Self-Compassion Tips That Aren’t Just Pep Talks in the Mirror appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.23.24

33 Very Good Reminders for When You’re Feeling Lonely

If you’ve been impacted by the “loneliness epidemic,” welcome. ByOludara Adeeyo, LCSW

There are so many reasons why you might feel lonely. Maybe you’re physically alone a lot or just geographically distant from your friends and family. But those aren’t the only things that trigger loneliness. Getting the sense that you can’t express yourself or that you’re misunderstood can make you feel lonely, as can the fear of missing out. 

Of course, that’s not an exhaustive list, but the point is that loneliness can happen to anyone at any time. And when it does, you can feel sad and disappointed with your reality, anxious, like a reluctant loner, and even envious of people who have tight connections. 

As a therapist who primarily works with adults experiencing depression and anxiety, I’ve seen this play out plenty of times. I mean, loneliness is so common that, in 2023, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services declared that we’re in an “epidemic of loneliness.” Joy. 

Dealing with loneliness can be tricky. 

When you’re feeling lonely, it can be tempting to sink deeper into it. Solitude typically calls for dimming the lights and queuing up your favorite tearjerker (hi again, This Is Us) or playlist (a little Lana Del Rey and Frank Ocean for good measure). It can feel cathartic to radically accept our lonely fate. It can also feel like the easiest option, especially compared to reaching out for help or saying what’s on your mind. In the end, though, becoming too familiar with loneliness can lead to isolation, negative self-talk, depression, low self-esteem, and feeling kinda empty and stuck. 

On the flip side, you might be the type to push away uncomfortable feelings, like loneliness, and pretend they don’t exist. That might look like constantly distracting yourself with endless screen time or surrounding yourself with people who aren’t good for you (maybe you don’t even like them) just so you can have company. But avoiding or ignoring loneliness means you’re not feeling your feelings and investigating what might help pull you out of this mindset. Say, calling your best friend once a week or joining a rec league if you hate going home to a quiet apartment after work?

So, what can you do?

There is a balance to be had here. To deal with loneliness in a healthy way, try to acknowledge it without internalizing it or getting bogged down by all the sad emotions. When thoughts like, Why does everyone hate me? or I’ll never find people who understand me, so why try? come up, take time to confront these feelings, give yourself a healthy dose of self-compassion, and create a plan of action and connection. 

And, no, combating loneliness doesn’t always have to involve throwing yourself into a pickleball league or texting a bunch of friends until someone responds. One way to not feel as lonely on your own is by giving yourself a pep talk and countering your negative self-talk with more compassionate affirmations. These brief encouraging statements have helped me and my clients pull ourselves out of many a funk. They can remind us that it’s possible to feel more positive (or even neutral) emotions and empower us to make healthy changes to feel better. 

If it feels awkward and forced to look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re awesome and worthy and fun to be around, maybe you just haven’t found the right mantra to validate and navigate your lonely feels. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty. Here’s a virtual hug and some reminders that you can read, set as your screensaver, or say aloud to help you emerge from your solitude and maybe even learn from it. 

1. It’s OK if feeling lonely makes you sad. These feelings are valid, but they’re also temporary. 
2. Sometimes feeling isolated is an opportunity to reflect on the types of connections you truly crave.
3. You are not alone in feeling lonely.
4. You haven’t met all the people who are going to love and support you yet. And that’s a beautiful thing. 
5. If going out and ~finding community~ is the last thing you want to do right now, that’s totally fair. Give yourself grace and patience. 
6. You are unique and deserve to be surrounded by others who recognize and celebrate that.
7. Someone out there is waiting to find a friend like you. 
8. You are allowed to reach out for professional support—even when you’re “just” feeling lonely.
9. It’s OK to miss people…
10. …and it’s OK to tell people you miss them. 
11. Let go of the unhelpful and untrue idea that nobody cares about you.
12. Sometimes our loneliness can be what drives us toward deep and meaningful connections.  
13. You can always treat yourself with the same love and affection you desire from another person.
14. Your presence is missed when you are not around. 
15. Sometimes, you might be misunderstood, but the right people will always get you.
16. Platonic relationships can also have depth and emotional intimacy.  
17. Embracing time alone allows you to learn and grow as a person.
18. You are not a burden for wanting people in your life to show up for you in the best way that they can. Ask for their help. 
19. It’s better to be single than in a relationship that’s not aligned with your true self and values. 
20. If your current circle isn’t serving you, you’re allowed to seek out new connections. 
21. Your value isn’t determined by your relationship status.
22. Being your own best friend is a true talent, and there’s no better time to practice than right now.
23. It’s OK to be hurt when people disappoint you—even when you know that it has nothing to do with you.  
24. Prioritize the friendships that make you feel good. 
25. Be thankful for the people in your life who allow you to be unapologetically you.
26. Loneliness won’t last forever, and you will get through this. 
27. Craving connection is natural—not needy. 
28. Feeling lonely shouldn’t mean accepting less than you normally would or compromising your values. 
29. Connections don’t need to be deep and long-lasting to be meaningful. Don’t discount the power of casual acquaintances.
30. It can be empowering to choose solitude instead of socializing with people that make you feel bad.  
31. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. 
32. Time spent learning more about yourself and what excites you is never wasted time. 
33. You’ve made it through lonely spells before, and you sure as hell can do it again.

The post 33 Very Good Reminders for When You’re Feeling Lonely appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 12.22.23

27 Realistic Affirmations for Anyone Who Isn’t OK Right Now

New year, same struggle. ByOludara Adeeyo, LCSW

*Ominous voice* New Year’s Eve is coming. And if 2023 was very much not your year, it can be really hard to get psyched about what’s next. Instead of setting lofty resolutions, you might just be struggling to get by thanks to grief, unfinished 2023 goals, anxiety that won’t quit, or any other misfortune. So, let’s have a chat about how to navigate 2024 NYE stress with realistic affirmations that don’t sugar-coat your shitshow of a year. 

If you’re new here, I’m a licensed therapist and your resident affirmations girlie. Hell, I even wrote a book filled with them, and I’ve got another one on the way. So yeah, I know a thing or two about how these positive (or sometimes neutral) statements can carry you through dark times, like New Year’s. While affirmations aren’t magic, regularly repeating them (aloud, in your mind, or in a journal) can validate your feelings, help you feel less alone in your struggle, and encourage you to crawl out of whatever funk you’re in. They’re an easily accessible tool to add to your self-care kit, and they can serve as regular reminders that you deserve peace and that happiness is just around the corner. 

[Doing too much? Reset your mindset by signing up for Wondermind’s 7-Day Do-Less Challenge!]

So, if you’re ready to say good riddance to 2023 but nervous about what 2024 has in store, here are some realistic affirmations that will make you feel seen and address some not-so-fun emotions you might be experiencing as the year comes to an end. 

For anyone dealing with a loss

While the end of year should be reserved for enjoying festive lights and watching Andy Cohen tell it like it is on NYE, December can also bring up overwhelming feelings of loss. Instead of sporting matching PJs, you might be grieving a broken engagement. Instead of gathering around a table of delicious food, you might’ve just buried a loved one. Instead of knocking out holiday shopping, maybe you’re dealing with the financial consequences of a “company restructuring.” Jerks. No matter the situation, it’s normal if you’re not feeling the holiday spirit and are wondering, What’s there to look forward to in the new year anyway? 

As you grieve, it’s important to honor your feelings and have grace for yourself as you weather life’s changes and gather your emotional strength. If you’re mourning something or someone, these affirmations might help. 

1. I am gentle with myself as I adjust to life after loss. 
2. Grief has no timeline, so I will be patient with myself. 
3. This is the end of a chapter that meant a lot to me, but there’s still joy ahead.
4. I release judgment of my emotions and call in compassion. 
5. The way I feel is normal, and I honor my emotions. 
6. It is OK for me to experience happiness in the midst of my pain. 
7. The hurt I feel from my loss is temporary, because things will get better. 

For anyone who’s bummed about not completing their goals

It’s that time of the year where you look back at the goals you set 12 months ago and think, Who said that? As much as we hate to admit it, many of us create resolutions at the top of the year and don’t keep any of them. But you know what? That’s OK. (You don’t need six new outdoorsy hobbies anyway.) But what’s not cool is you feeling like a failure or comparing yourself to others who seemingly accomplished their goals. It’s better to embrace life as it happens than to obsess over resolutions you ditched. 

To help you manage the self-loathing and shame that can come with not being where you want to be, keep these affirmations nearby.

1. I have the power to reach my goals when I am ready. 
2. What I do or don’t accomplish does not define my self-worth. 
3. My life’s journey is uniquely designed for me. 
4. There is no expiration date on my goals. 
5. I reject the need to compare myself to others. 
6. A new year gives me another chance to complete my goals. 

For anyone who feels hopeless about basically everything

Raise your hand if you’re tired of living though historic events that shock your system and leave you feeling defeated. Same. It basically feels like the entire world is in shambles at all times and there’s little we can do on an individual level to fix it. (That’s not actually true, but it can feel like it is.) Meanwhile, you could also be going through your own personal hell, which just adds to that existing hopeless feeling. 

If you’re emotionally maxed out while others around you are hyped about 2024 (damn, what’s that like?), try to find some solace in knowing that it’s understandable if you’re not feeling celebratory and don’t know how to fix *gestures wildly* all this. To help you push through and regain a bit of hope, lean on these affirmations.

1. I deserve to have a life that I love. 
2. My best is more than enough. 
3. I’m living through unprecedented times, and it’s OK if I’m struggling to keep up. 
4. I welcome new opportunities and people that bring me joy. 
5. Giving up on myself is not an option. 
6. I must prioritize myself, because it helps me to feel better. 
7. Hopelessness no longer has a home in my heart. 
8. In time, I will find a path to contentment. 

For anyone who feels anxiety creeping in 

While the new year can signal new opportunities and possibly the best year of your life thus far, it could also mean new problems or continuing whatever dumpster fire you’re currently in. The potential for a garbage year can cause anxiety to do a number on you by giving you bubble guts (ah, just what you need for a NYE bash), wreaking havoc on your mind, and causing your perfectionism to flare up. Letting anxiety win isn’t an option, so try making a commitment to building resilience and facing obstacles with more courage in 2024. For some peace of mind, you already know what to do with these affirmations.

1. My anxiety is temporary, and I am safe. 
2. Being anxious about my future is normal, but I won’t let anxiety dictate my every move. 
3. I let go of the things I can’t control and embrace freedom. 
4. I’m inhaling peace and exhaling those anxious BS thoughts. 
5. I am at ease with what’s to come in the new year. 
6. I trust that I can handle any future obstacles. 

The post 27 Realistic Affirmations for Anyone Who Isn’t OK Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 11.20.23

33 Affirmations to Get You Through Whatever Holiday Drama Awaits

Save these for when things get real. ByMeghan Watson, RP

Despite all the joy that comes with the holidays (good company, your fave sports team winning, and cheesy made-for-TV movies!), it can be stressful navigating the less sparkly aspects of the season. Sadly, you can’t always take a break from coping with grief, complex family dynamics, or a boss who refuses to give you the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day off. But some (realistic!) words of affirmation might give you a better shot at finding some joy amid the emotional turmoil.

For anyone who’s not affirmationing their way through life yet, an affirmation is a short, positive or neutral statement that can help you balance out difficult feelings. To get the most juice out of these pep talks, you can reflect on one throughout your day or week by saying it out loud, in your head, or writing down the phrase somewhere you’ll see it. 

Important disclaimer: Affirmations won’t magically banish your stressors, nor are they designed to convince you that negative emotions should disappear (no toxic positivity allowed). The key to nailing this is using the phrases as an opportunity to practice having more compassionate and balanced conversations with yourself and encouraging you to find new ways to look at a situation. TBH, these simple and practical mottos are one of my favorite coping tools to recommend as a licensed therapist—festive season or not. 

To help you weather whatever holiday drama is a-brewin, here are 30 words of affirmation to mull over this winter. 

For anyone stressing about money 

Going off-budget to make the season extra special or keep up with endless white elephant parties can pile on unnecessary strain and financial burdens on top of an already overwhelming time. If your pockets are hurting, try these encouraging words to stay grounded (and keep your budget happy).

1. I am allowed to set boundaries around what I can and cannot afford. 
2. Practicing mindful holiday spending habits makes room for more meaningful financial choices.
3. It’s OK to be disappointed when things are out of my budget. 
4. Gifts are not the only way I show my love or make the holidays special. 
5. I can be creative about the ways I show my care, gratitude, and appreciation for others without overspending.

For anyone dreading tense conversations over dinner

If you have a problematic and extremely talkative uncle, you get it. But even if you don’t, odds are you run into at least one uncomfortable conversation over the next few weeks. Before the horror strikes, these affirmations can help you keep calm and prep how you want to engage (or not) with anyone. 

1. I can use my voice to advocate for my values and what I believe in.
2. I’m allowed to both love and disagree with someone.
3. My mental, emotional, and physical energy are valuable resources to be used wisely. 
4. It’s natural to be frustrated and disappointed when I feel unheard and misunderstood.
5. I can’t control what others say or think, but I do control how I respond and engage.

For anyone struggling with food and self-confidence

When you have complicated relationships with eating and your body image, this time of year can be scary. Thanks to unwanted commentary, judgey relatives, pressure to clear your plate, or any other of the bajillion triggers that exist around food and bodies, you might be dreading any holiday event that involves food. So when shame or stress arises, tap into these statements to balance the emotional load. 

1. My body deserves nourishment, kindness, respect, and care.
2. I listen to my body’s cues around what I need.
3. I’m allowed to eat as much or as little as I want. 
4. Nobody has the right to make me feel bad for eating what I want.
5. My worth and value are not based on what’s on the scale or in the mirror.
6. My appearance is not for open discussion.
7. I will not be taking questions about my body at this time, or ever. 
8. Assigning any food a moral value is silly and unhelpful. 

For anyone wading through grief and loss

It’s normal to feel sad and reflective over how life has changed as another year comes to a close. From dealing with the loss of a loved one, a pet, a job, or a relationship of any kind, there are many forms of grief, heartache, and disappointment that can make this time of year tough to manage. If you’re mourning something or someone, lean on these phrases to process whatever comes up.  

1. I am allowed to grieve without having to feel grateful or find a silver lining.
2. I am learning to accept the emotional ups and downs of loss.
3. My grief does not have to follow an arbitrary timeline.
4. Experiencing grief makes me human.
5. I am choosing to be fully present in my life by honoring my loss as it comes up. 

For anyone spending the holidays alone 

Feeling lonely suck any time of the year, but it can be especially rough around the holidays. Plus, you might also feel like people are judging you for riding solo. When it seems like everyone around you is coupled up, surrounded by loved ones, or busy with plans, it’s hard to ignore feelings of emptiness. If you can relate, consider these words of affirmation to self-soothe. 

1. Being alone does not diminish my inherent value. I am enough.
2. My relationship status does not define me.
3. I am allowed to desire connection and belonging while also acknowledging that I am whole now. 
4. Being alone is not a personal failure.
5. My holidays don’t have to look like everyone else’s in order to be fulfilling and meaningful. 

For anyone who is very serious about their holiday joy 

This time of year is also one of celebration, joy, love, and gratitude. Still, you might feel guilty when you’re all happy and free while others are not. But the great thing about our brains is that there’s room for all of your conflicting vibes. This is your reminder that you’re allowed to make room for unapologetic happiness while acknowledging life’s thorns. Use these lines to help you fully connect to your cheer—whatever that looks like. 

1. I’m allowed to be happy even if other people aren’t.
2. I am open to celebrating holiday traditions and rituals in a way that feels good for me.
3. I deserve space to protect and honor my peace. 
4. When life feels like it’s falling apart, I am allowed to also focus on my joy.
5. Being mindful about the ways I feel happy, connected, and safe is important to my self-care practice.

The post 33 Affirmations to Get You Through Whatever Holiday Drama Awaits appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.28.23

Jordan Chiles Has No Time for Bully Bots

Plus, the Olympic silver medalist explains how she’s healing from a coach body-shaming her and more. BySam Brodsky

You may know Jordan Chiles from her iconic Normani and Doja Cat or ’90s hip-hop floor routines as a UCLA gymnast or her team silver medal at the Tokyo Olympics. Either way, what’s always set her apart from the competition—especially in such an intense, perfectionistic sport—are her good vibes.

And as she continues to compete in the U.S. and abroad, deferring her UCLA studies to train for the Paris 2024 Olympics next summer, she keeps up the positive energy by reminding herself to strive to be the best version of Jordan Chiles and no one else, she tells Wondermind. 

That best-version-of-herself work is exactly what Chiles is all about lately, making time for her friends and family and prioritizing her mental health along the way. 

Here, Chiles talks about how she deals with online bullies, healing from body-shaming, why she decided to see a sports psychologist, and more. 

[Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.]

WM: How are you doing lately?

Jordan Chiles: Lately, I’ve been training, doing everything that I can to stay focused, especially knowing that selection camp is coming up for the World Championships and Pan American Games. [Editor’s note: Right after we caught up with Chiles she found out she’ll be going overseas this October to compete in the Pan American Games.] I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the time with family and my little puppers, Chanel and Versace. So I’ve just been really focusing on myself and making sure I’m mentally and physically OK. I’m taking this year and this time to really just do this for myself. … [Ending my second NCAA gymnastics season] with [two national] titles and then going straight into the elite realm, it’s been really cool and really fun.

WM: How do you make sure you’re having fun as you compete?

JC: The fun comes from, I think, just realizing that the sport isn’t something that should stress you out too much. Obviously, it’s hard physically and mentally when you come from college back into elite [competition] since those are two different atmospheres and expectations. 

I really just kind of go out there. I’m not going to take any negative comments or negative energy that’s going to be thrown at me because, at the end of the day, no matter what you do, there’s going to be a comment about it. So I ignore that, and I really enjoy what I’m doing. My sport is fun. My sport is something that not everybody has the ability to do and has the opportunity [to do]. I really take that into consideration, and I make sure I can remember each and every moment that I have and just be the person I am.

It’s really cool to be able to just be myself. That’s where a lot of that fun comes into play. It’s me being who I am and enjoying those moments that I have, especially with the team, the coaches, the other girls. 

WM: Speaking of negative comments, you’ve talked about online bullying in the past. How do you navigate social media without getting too caught up in that negativity? 

JC: I call them bully bots. For me, when I was younger, my mom handled all of that. But now, I kind of just laugh at it. For a while, it was really hard knowing that people did call me names or said I didn’t deserve to do this or [were] looking [at me] differently, but, in my eyes, it always makes me stronger because I like to prove people wrong. It’s cool to know that I’ve been able to progress with the mental part of it. 

Actually, at the National Championships [a few weeks ago], I had to delete Twitter because there were a lot of comments that did hit me that day. Obviously, it is a day-by-day situation, whether you find good things or you find bad things. … But I look at it as: Not everybody has the ability to do what I’m doing, so they want to be involved as much as they can, whether it’s good or bad. … I either challenge people on [their comments] or just let it be. It depends. 

WM: What’s one thing about your mental health that you’re still working on?

JC: I stress a lot, and I don’t know where it comes from. I just had a conversation with my dad the other night, and he was like, “So what’s going on?” And I’m like, “Yeahhh, I don’t know. I’m just stressing. I’m stressed.” And it can come from many different things, whether it’s within my sport, whether it’s business-wise, whether it’s family or friends. I just never know in that moment where it’s coming from, so I kind of shut down, which is not good because then it’s like, how is somebody supposed to help you? That’s something I’ve been trying to work on—trying to speak to somebody to figure out where the stress is coming from. It’s been a work in progress.

WM: Are there other people aside from your parents you talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed?

JC: Sometimes I’ll talk to my dogs—I’m not gonna to lie. I look at them and be like, “So this is what happened.” But, a lot of times, I will talk to friends or my sisters. I’m the youngest of five, so having older siblings is really cool because they’ve gone through a lot of stuff within their lives as well. My nieces sometimes will get on the phone [too, and] they’ll cheer me up.

Honestly, everybody always asks me, “How is it having your family as your support system? I feel like sometimes it can get overwhelming.” And I’m like, “No, not at all.” I’m very family-oriented, so we tell each other a lot of things.

WM: In the past, you’ve opened up about being body-shamed by a former coach. What have you learned as you’ve healed from that? 

JC: I’m going to be very truthful. The healing process took me a while because that’s something, as a little girl, you don’t want to hear. My body-shaming was about me being African American, my skin color, not looking like everybody, and my weight. So I think it took me all the way until I was 19 years old to heal. When it really, really hit me that this lady [was] really coming at me, I was around 14 or 15. So from that time period until I was 19, it was really hard. But at the end of the day, I learned a lot from it.

I learned affirmations to say to myself. I learned to embrace who I was. Sometimes I still get triggered when people say certain things, but then I have to remember it’s OK. … Healing-wise, I want to say I’m at 95%, but I really focused the last few years on making sure [I tell myself], Everything is not always going to be perfect, but you’re going to be perfect within yourself. You’re beautiful. Your body is perfect how it is. 

I always tell myself, I’m Jordan Chiles for a reason, and I’m just going to keep being her as best [I can]. 

WM: Now that you’ve come to this self-acceptance, how would you complete this sentence? Jordan Chiles is ______. 

JC: I would use the word resilient. I think there have been a lot of times when I’ve been shut down so much. [But] now I’ve been able to use my power, and I feel very resilient and [like] I’m allowed to speak.

WM: I know some athletes go to sports psychologists. Have you gone to any in the past?

JC: Yes, I was with a sports psychologist right before the Tokyo Olympics for about four months. She really helped me. A lot of [our sessions were about] my past history with my old coach. At first, I was like, I’m about to tell this lady my whole entire life and I don’t know who she is, but it helped me a lot. It helped me realize I could let go of things, especially my past. Obviously, it’s really hard when you go to somebody and you’re just like, I don’t know how to let go of it. [Everything’s] triggering. But she was able to [help me] not even think about it. 

I really enjoyed it. I do recommend to a lot of people out there, if you do need a sports psychologist or a therapist, do it. … If you feel like [talking to] your family or your friends isn’t working for you, sometimes it’s easier to rant to somebody you don’t know.

WM: Was that the first time you’d ever talked to a mental health professional?

JC: Fully, yes. The very first time [I saw a mental health professional] I was young. My parents realized that I did need help. It was just like, I don’t know what’s going on with my daughter. But for me, it was like, Why do I need help? I don’t even know this person, so I didn’t complete it. … When I was younger, I was like, I feel like [therapy’s] not going to do anything. It’s not going to benefit me in any way, shape, or form. So what’s the point? 

Even before my first session [this time around], there was still a lot of that back and forth [with] myself, wondering if I wanted to walk through the door or not. 

[But] my mom came to me and presented it in a different way. She said that I should look at it as a tool that’s available to help me, just like physical therapy but for my mind. She said if I felt like I didn’t want to set up another meeting after the first [one] that’s fine because it has to be totally my decision. I think I was just ready.

WM: What was the most important lesson that you learned while working with your sports psychologist?

JC: Knowing that there’s always someone that’s going to be right by your side, no matter any circumstance, whether it’s good or bad. You’re always going to have that shoulder to cry on when you need it. And then knowing that there’s always going to be a good lesson [you can] learn from [situations]. Take that part and not so much the negatives.

WM: We’ll end with a cheesy question. If you could rate your mental health right now out of a perfect 10, what score would you give it?

JC: I think I would give myself a 9.975 because there are still little things that I have to fix within myself mentally, and so giving that extra .025 will [get] me that perfect 10. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Jordan Chiles Has No Time for Bully Bots appeared first on Wondermind.