Stories Link Copied 11.25.24

18 People Get Real About Quitting Their Jobs for Their Mental Health

One woman left an office job after her boss made her clean the toilets. #NoThanks. BySam Brodsky

If you’re on week 12 of asking your group chat, “Should I quit my job?” or you’ve secretly Googled, “quitting job for mental health,” during every shitty meeting, this one’s for you. 

Whether you’re overworked, your company culture is toxic as heck, or your job doesn’t align with what’s important to you, any of that can make you feel burnt to a crisp, says Christina Maslach, PhD, researcher on job burnout and professor of psychology (emerita) at the University of California, Berkeley. And while quiet quitting can sometimes buy you time, it’s probably not a long-term solution to a problematic workplace. 

Maybe you’re tempted to just suck it up and try a little conflict management until something better comes along, so here’s a friendly reminder: Burnout can snowball into negative self-esteem, anxiety, or depression, explains Dr. Maslach, coauthor of The Burnout Challenge: Managing People’s Relationships with Their Jobs. Your crappy work life could spill over into a crappy life  life (see: crashing out).

If you’re self-aware enough to spot the signs that your gig isn’t a fit anymore, quitting a job for mental health reasons might make sense—even if you don’t have a backup plan. Obviously, if you had a stockpile of savings and/or you were sure you could find a less terrible job fast, you would’ve done that by now. We get that. So how do you know if forgoing a paycheck will be less stressful than resenting work? There’s truly no right answer here.

That said, we spoke to people who quit jobs for their mental health (without another lined up) to learn how they navigated that decision and its aftermath. Hopefully, their stories will help you find your own path forward. 

1. Ask yourself what achievement looks like.

“Last year, I left a six-figure sales job because I was so stressed out and unhappy. I had zero passion for what I was doing and had to be available 24/7. I felt trapped in a world that I never wanted to be in and knew that corporate America would drain me of all my sanity if I stayed any longer. It affected my mood at home and heightened my anxiety. My partner felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me because the stress from work would often make me snap.  

I learned that no job is worth losing yourself. I decided to take the time I needed to figure out my next step instead of  jumping into another job that would perpetuate the cycle of unhappiness. In the end, that meant going for a degree in social work, which is a field that actually inspires and fulfills me. Sure, I’ve lost money that took me years to save, but I’m so much happier now. It’s safe to say that quitting a job for my mental health was 100% worth it.” —Mallory H., 29

2. Separate your identity from your job.

“I quit my teaching job because of burnout and anxiety. I taught through the pandemic and the chaotic time that followed. I had to teach two to three curriculums at once to a variety of learning levels and an average of 200 students each year. I felt very little support in my workplace. It got to the point where I was anxious on weekends and breaks because I dreaded going back. Still, I used to always say, ‘I am  a teacher.’ I felt like teaching was part of who I am and that couldn’t change, even with a dark cloud over me at all times.

I had a wake-up call that life is too short to be this miserable when it can end at any point. I spent the next year planning my exit from education and resigned the following winter without anything lined up. After being unemployed for a bit, I started an internship to learn cybersecurity, and that company eventually hired me as a full-time employee.

I’ve learned that a career does not define you. It is so easy to get stuck in the identity of whatever field you choose to pursue. Reframing your mindset and separating your job from who you are is so important for overall mental well-being. A job comes and goes, but your mental health stays with you forever.” —Helen E., 29

3. Notice how your job is affecting you.

“I began to feel a real imbalance between my professional and personal life. My wake-up call was brutal and happened when I worked until 8 p.m. the day I was supposed to celebrate my birthday. After quitting, I learned that prioritizing my mental health was the best decision, even if it felt terrifying at the time. I realized how important it is to set boundaries and recognize when a job is no longer serving you, no matter how much experience or growth it initially offered. Trusting myself, despite not having a clear plan forward, allowed me to rebuild and find opportunities more aligned with my values.

Looking back, I do wish I had leaned more on my support system. It’s easy to isolate yourself when you’re overwhelmed, but reaching out to friends, family, or even a mentor could have made the process less daunting. Finding a community of professionals who’ve faced similar challenges could have been invaluable as well.

My biggest advice is don’t ignore the signs that your work is negatively impacting your mental health. No job is worth sacrificing your well-being. If you’re considering quitting, take time to reflect on what you truly want and, if possible, build a safety net first—financially or by securing another role. However, if you’re at a breaking point, and you can afford it, your mental health 100% has to come first.” —Olivia A., 32

4. Take time to grieve and to plan. 

“I didn’t really notice how much I was suffering until my inner circle voiced how they saw my job impacting my life outside of the office. My family flagged my changes in mood, specifically my irritability and hopelessness. And my friends noticed my absence.

But I knew for certain I needed to quit when work became debilitating. I struggled to sleep and dreaded getting out of bed. Leaving my job was the best decision, even without having another one lined up—and I would absolutely do it again.

I found that taking time off for myself afterward, rather than frantically taking the first opportunity, was critical to recover from the burnout and emotional fatigue of a toxic workplace. Yes, I did grieve a bit. I needed that time to just feel bad about the situation (and feel bad for myself) before I could move on. 

The time off also allowed me to break down what I needed versus what I wanted from work. I made a list of all the things I couldn’t tolerate in a new position. I also wrote out what I thought I’d been good at in my previous role and what duties I struggled with or didn’t enjoy. This made it easier to pick jobs with responsibilities that fit me better.” —Taylor M.

5. Give extra notice (if you can).

“I quit my job because I felt extremely burnt out and dreaded every workday. I found myself unable to separate my personal and work life to the point where I was experiencing anxiety and depression. Aside from resigning, the best choice I made was giving my employer a 30-day notice—which I know not everyone is able to do. When I looked into applying to jobs again, I had a positive relationship with my higher-ups, who wrote me great recommendations. I also knew the company was understaffed, so I used part of my 30 days to help train a new employee. It was a win-win.” —Anonymous

6. Check in with your support system as early as possible. 

“I worked in healthcare PR. At my old job, I felt like a doctor on call, needing to answer my boss and manager at any time. And instead of any positive feedback, my manager and boss only gave me negative feedback. 

I’ll never forget that my boss used to make me draft every single email, including simple response emails that would be sent to the client, directly to her. I once forgot a comma, and instead of telling me the error I had made in my draft and telling me it was only ONE error, my boss wrote back, ‘I can not get past the first paragraph without finding an error. There are multiple spelling and grammatical errors. Please rewrite.’

I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or taking care of my health. I developed horrific stress headaches and would cry when I went to work. My boss and manager were extremely controlling and out-of-control micromanagers. A couple months after quitting, my tension headaches went away, I started putting myself first, and I became a better version of myself and who I am today. 

At the end of the day, I had a good support system. I also had a unique situation because I lived in NYC and was pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, so I was really scared to quit. That being said, getting my parents on board was really important since I wasn’t sure how long it would take for me to get another job and I wasn’t sure if I was going to need help paying rent. I had enough savings, but I get really anxious about money and savings (as we all do). And my friends and other coworkers at the job could not have been more supportive too.” —Emma H. 

7. Do your research before jumping right into another job.  

“I’ve held a few jobs in my life that impacted my mental health mostly in the same ways (no appreciation from management, general discomfort from coworkers, etc.). I left because it came to the point where I didn’t want to get up in the morning, my favorite hobbies and stress-reducers weren’t helping me anymore, and I flat out wasn’t enjoying my time outside of work. I was so worried about what had happened the day before or what would happen when I went in the next day. I had managers micromanaging my every move, every email, and every break. No one likes to be watched like a hawk. And whether it was my paranoia or not, it felt as though coworkers were getting in on this game of ‘we didn’t want to hire her so let’s just run her out of the company.’ It became incredibly anxiety-inducing and depressing to exist in that environment. 

After quitting, it did make me feel better—the weight was lifted. However, I did leave feeling incredibly violated. I became desperate at times, picking up the next best thing just because I thought it would be better. The jobs did look better on the outside, but when you’re in a shitty environment, anything looks better. I signed onto a position to have more money, more stability, a different manager, whatever it was, just to fall into similar traps because I didn’t do enough research. I have learned to trust my gut, get out when I can, and research jobs more (ask questions during interviews, read up on reviews of companies, do deep dives on LinkedIn, etc.) to make better judgements and decisions.” —Sam M., 27

8. Don’t rule out self-employment. 

“The office I worked for was very tight-knit, and I was the newbie. Some people were welcoming and others couldn’t have cared less. I became pregnant shortly after being hired and had pregnancy complications that led to bed rest. Not a single person checked in on me then or when I had my baby. When I returned to work, I got COVID. My whole household did. Even my newborn baby. Again, no one from my office checked in on me or wished me well. The owner’s wife baked a cake for everyone’s birthday—except mine. So this atmosphere of being excluded really led me down a road of hating what I did for a living and questioning what I was doing. It led to ill feelings and self-doubt. For a while, I thought maybe I did something wrong. Eventually, I came to the realization that it wasn’t me and they were losing employees for a reason. I decided to exit the working world and stay home with my kids and become self-employed instead.

I now have an Etsy shop selling essential-oil-related products. I found this passion long before I quit my job but was never able to pursue it as fully as I wanted because I didn’t have the time or energy while working. 

I also do food delivery services like DoorDash and help my husband run his business doing exterior cleaning. My advice to others is to have a heart-to-heart with themselves and to do what is truly best for them. Being self-employed is very scary and requires a lot of passion and research. And it’s a huge leap of faith. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you and your family.” —Ashley W., 32 

9. Set a resignation “due date.”

“My mental health rapidly declined at my first job out of college because I had a bad boss. Everyone knew, but no one supported me. We were an in-house marketing team of two for a company with several subdivisions, which meant lots of work and a constant stream of consciousness from my superior from when I logged on in the morning to when I logged off at night. It wasn’t collaboration that was coming through the team’s chat but consistent negative feedback.

I reached out to HR and had a formal conversation with them about how I was being micromanaged and was unhappy with my treatment. They said they’d escalate it to my boss’s supervisor because they were concerned. The escalation didn’t take place. They went directly to my boss who, in turn, seemed to take it out on me. 

I think the best thing I did for myself was quitting when I did. My only regret is that I didn’t quit sooner because I am still dealing with the mental health impact of my previous role and the self-doubt that it ingrained in me. 

Finances were a huge reason why I stayed in my role. I have prided myself in being financially independent ever since leaving college, and it felt absolutely shameful to put that at risk, especially with rent, car payment, insurance payment, and student loans due each month. My advice for those who feel the same anxieties I did about financial insecurity would be this: Give yourself a resignation letter due date and live significantly below your means until then. Stick to that due date, save your money, and start looking, but whether you have a lead on a new role or not, commit to that date. Be a gig worker (Grubhub, Uber, Wag/Rover, Care.com, etc.) and monetize the skills you do have (graphic design, social media/content, website building, writing…whatever) and figure it out until you find the right role that won’t hurt your mental health.” —Anonymous 

10. Maybe don’t start a new job right away if you’re still struggling mentally.

“I had a harassment situation at a previous job. I took a new one right away, which was amazing, but it turns out that I was not ready to work again. And so I had to quit that new job in order to take care of my mental health.

I was extremely lucky that I had the finances to be able to leave without a plan B, but I also had no choice. I had left a very bad job to go into a great one without taking the time I needed to heal. As a result, I was still feeling terrible and was not able to give my best. When you are in an ideal situation and you still feel horrible, unable to be present or efficient, you have no choice but to stop and take care of yourself. So my advice is this: Take the time you need to heal. Getting into a new job, even if it’s great, will not fix your mental health. Taking care of yourself will. And the next great job will be that much more amazing with you at 100%.” —Juliette C., 32

11. Ask yourself what you truly want before you leave.

“Between experiencing severe burnout and recognizing that I was meant for so much more than just designing emails, creating banner ads for products I didn’t care about, and changing retail prices over and over and over again, I decided to quit. Now, don’t get me wrong…there were still a handful of good things that I learned from this job, like working with a great boss who was always in my corner and learning to be open, honest, and clear with communication skills.

But the job was still the job. It was extremely repetitive and draining. My mental health and way of thinking started to suffer and decline to a deeply resentful, negative, and depressive space. I was choosing the same thing day in and day out, knowing how it made me feel, hoping that one day I would suddenly love my job and love what I did. 

My honest advice for others thinking about quitting without any other job lined up, like I did, would be to ask yourself: Do I love what I do? Does my job make me happy? What do I really want right now? And is this job supporting what I need? 

I think we often associate our happiness or our self-worth so deeply with our job, career, and overall output of work that we forget to pause and check in with ourselves to ask if this is right for us, if it’s helping or hurting us, and what we value most. I would highly recommend doing some reflection for yourself around the topic before jumping to conclusions and taking a leap of faith that may seem like it is for a good and reasonable cause but ends up being a decision that may impact your mental health state even more negatively. It all depends on the person. 

Asking these questions also helps us take one step forward in the right direction and make the changes that we want to make—one being a better, more fitting job that won’t negatively affect our mental health—because we’re thinking more clearly and know what we will and will not tolerate. In the end, you know you  best. Lining up another job before you quit your current one may very well be the best thing for you personally, and that’s OK. But it’s also OK to take time off to get your head clear and your mind right so that you can make better choices in the future.” —Jess S.

12. Treat yourself like the asset you are.

“I ultimately quit my first job out of college toward the beginning of the pandemic. I had been there about four and a half years, long before COVID hit, and I had a toxic relationship with my company. It was a marketing agency with demanding clients and a rather small team, considering the volume of work we were doing. There was a lot of over-promising and over-delivering without any reflection or rest, which snowballed into a heavy amount of stress. I did have a lot of autonomy and responsibility that I enjoyed, but I was exhausted at the end of every day.

I had five bosses in the time I was there, so the lack of interest in my growth or having any sort of stability in my department contributed to the burnout too. Once COVID hit, the business I worked on was restructured and I began reporting into my fifth and last boss. She was unbelievably cold and rude, and she lacked empathy at any level. Dealing with her and the long hours left no time for me to figure out how I was going to get out of the hamster wheel I found myself in.

All of that said, I became awful to be around. I couldn’t sleep, I would find myself sobbing at least once a day, I became nauseous whenever I tried to eat, I started having heart palpitations, and I was mean. I knew I needed to quit.

The complete turnaround in my health and my demeanor upon leaving that job was immediate. Even my final two weeks were so different from what the experience had become. In starting my second job, and the others I’ve had after that, I’ve been very clear with my managers and teams about boundaries. I’m no longer available at any and all hours. It’s now a nonnegotiable that I need to have some movement in my day too, whether that’s a Peloton class, going to the yoga studio, or even just taking a walk around the neighborhood. I’ve learned that I need to put myself first and prioritize my well-being in order to be an asset in the workplace. Tired, mean, hungry Me is not going to produce anything useful. 

My advice for others is to take the leap if they are thinking about quitting their jobs without another lined up. Definitely have an emergency fund of sorts to cover your expenses between roles. I had that, and even though I found a new role relatively quickly, knowing I’d be OK for several months was a big factor in my decision. This also gives you the time to reassess your career with a clear head and determine what the right next step is.” —Anonymous 

13. Quitting may help you realize your value.

“At the time, I was in my 20s as a healthcare manager for a well-known London hospital, and I experienced workplace bullying from hospital consultants. It went on for a number of months, and I was broken. I had gotten myself into very unhealthy working practices so they wouldn’t have any ammunition: working long hours, trying to carry a heavy workload, responding to all emails, working when off sick or on holiday. I was stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and felt awful physically and mentally.

I saw a leadership coach, who made me realize the only thing in this situation that I could control was myself. I had a choice. I did not need to stay in this environment, and I trusted that whatever happened, I would find work and be OK regardless. I took on a temporary role, which was a breath of fresh air, staying for a year until the ideal permanent opportunity came along. I absolutely learned from this that no job was worth my sanity. I also realized my value. This was a lesson that when you trust in yourself, great things happen.” —Merrisha G.

14. Get an outside perspective from someone you trust.

“I quit because I felt disrespected by coworkers and a manager. I was already on the fence before coming into this one specific shift, but after being verbally accosted by a coworker and completely unsupported by management, I didn’t even give a two-week notice. I told them I would finish the shift and then I was done. I was so drained at this job. Between being a student and working three-to-four times a week at this restaurant gig, I had no free time, even though I needed the money. I missed family vacations and left hangouts with friends early to meet the demands of my schedule, which really isolated me. I also had zero energy when I was off the clock. I would sleep all day until my shift, work my ass off for hours, and then go home and crash.

When I quit, I was really freaked out. Even though it would have been a lot less stressful if I had another job lined up, the way I quit spoke to the effects the job had on my mental health. I had messaged my partner earlier that day, asking if he thought we could swing it if I left because I knew this shift was my last straw. I didn’t want to put the bills on him, and I knew this would be a dramatic cut to my already low funds. He told me we would figure it out and that my mental health was more important than money. I am so thankful for him because without him, I would still be there.” —Michaela A., 27

15. Consider therapy to help work through any trauma or uncertainty. 

“I’ve worked in the nonprofit sector most of my life, trying to help others and neglecting myself. I most recently worked in the homeless service sector with people with lots of trauma. Vicarious trauma is real. Thankfully, I saved money in case I decided to leave. I’m glad I did that, and I have a therapist who is helping me navigate the uncertainty of what’s next.” —Anonymous

16. Decide how you want to better approach your next job.

“I’ve been an overachieving perfectionist my whole life (but only recently got diagnosed with OCD). I was so excited to start my first full-time job after college on a small staff. I loved the duties I got to do and enjoyed my team members, but I was always being pulled in so many directions. I stayed at the job for a little over two years. 

When I left, my bosses were shocked, which frustrates me to this day because I had told them at my second annual review (where I received a promotion), several months before, that I was feeling burnt out and needed something to change. Nothing did, so I took matters into my own hands.

I feel fortunate that I was in a financial position to put in my two-weeks notice without knowing what would come next. The giddy euphoria I felt afterwards so outweighed the dread I had felt leading up to it. I was able to put in my last two weeks on a good note and take two weeks off before I started a new job (which I was offered the week after I put my notice in).

During the time off, I looked up healthy habits for the workplace and figured out how I could apply those. Thankfully, my new job environment has its own protections against burnout, but I still stick to my new routine. The best things I’ve done are waking up an hour earlier than I need to for breakfast, doing simple chores like making my bed and unloading dishes, and taking time to snuggle and play with my cats. At my old job, I’d rush to work, arrive just on time, and begrudgingly eat breakfast at my desk feeling like I had no control over my time. Now, I start every morning fueling up and putting myself in charge of my day.” —Ashley F., 24

17. Check out workplace mental health resources if you can.

“I taught behavioral science for eight years. It was extremely rewarding in the beginning, but my relationship with my boss, who had mentored me and was a teacher of mine—because it was the same institution where I’d gone to school—became toxic. That really took a toll on my mental health. A lot of lines were blurred between personal and professional. 

At the same time, I was noticing more and more mental health issues in my students, and our counseling services at the school were not so great. I was in therapy already, but if faculty members wanted to seek any kind of support services at the school, there was really only one school psychologist who was rarely ever there.

Between the toxic relationship with my boss and the students’ stories when they came to me after class, with me taking on their trauma and having my own, it was out of control. I was coming home hysterical every day, and so I ultimately decided to leave. 

I would try to research if there are mental services in your company or what your company has in terms of time off. Also look into that if you’re trying to find another job once you’ve quit. I would like to think the lack of resources has changed.” —Lindsay A., 37

18. Remember your worth and that there’s no one definition of success.

“I quit my job because I worked in a soul-sucking office environment where our bosses constantly looked over our shoulders to ensure we were being productive. They were so obsessed with making sure they didn’t pay us for even a second that we weren’t working that we had to clock out when we went to the bathroom or to microwave our sad frozen meals. 

Obviously, this affected my mental health. Not only did they mistrust us with their time and pressure us to keep constant focus, but they also forced us—most often women—to perform menial tasks like moving boxes in and out of storage and cleaning toilets. In a setting where I felt constantly watched, often doubted, and sometimes demeaned, I began to feel hopeless and disempowered. I was only there for five months. 

The final straw for me was when my boss forced me to clean a toilet and then, in the same week, gave me a measly $1,000 raise, where most people in the office received $2,000 or $3,000 raises. When I asked my boss for the reasoning behind my lower raise, he explained to me that that’s what he thought I was worth. I told him, with tears in my eyes, that I couldn’t continue to work there—even though I didn’t have a job lined up and had just moved into my first apartment with my own lease two months prior, the only saving grace being that I split the rent with my boyfriend at the time. 

I handed out paper résumés, looking for freelance jobs, side gigs, anything I was slightly interested in at places that had positive environments. At the end of the day, I ended up with a part-time job working for a florist and a freelance gig writing blog content for a boutique.

I immediately loved the flower shop. Everyone was nice, the admin work was easy, and I occasionally got to clean and arrange flowers, which genuinely made me happy. And when I realized I was happy, I did another thing: I stopped feeling bad about not achieving my definition of success within two years of college graduation. I stopped feeling bad that I didn’t have a full-time job with a career trajectory outlined, and I gave myself a break. I told myself it was OK to take time and find a corporate environment that could give me a higher salary, job security, and the future career I looked forward to—as long as I kept myself safe, sane, and far away from anywhere like my last job. If I had a job that was making me miserable, I would quit without a backup plan again in a heartbeat—without cleaning a toilet this time.” —Marisa W. 

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 18 People Get Real About Quitting Their Jobs for Their Mental Health appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 06.06.24

Why Is Mental Health Care Still So Damn Expensive?

If you feel like your health insurance hates you, that tracks. Here’s how the government is trying to fix that—and how to deal right now. ByMolly Longman

A thing you’ve probably heard: Using health insurance to pay for therapy is hard. You also might’ve gotten wind that bigger mental health expenses, like in-patient treatment and substance misuse programs, are equally challenging to get covered—even when those services literally save lives. 

In case you haven’t noticed, those barriers mean it’s often way more expensive, time-consuming, and frustrating to treat a mental health issue than it is to treat a physical health concern—regardless of how good (or crappy) your insurance is.

Still, the U.S. government has been trying to get insurance companies to cover mental health like physical health, or what insurance people call “parity,” for decades. I know! In 2008, Congress passed the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act (MHPAEA)—a law that’s been updated a bunch of times since—to make it harder for insurance companies to cheap out on mental health benefits. 

And yet, between 2022 and 2023, 3 in 4 insured adults who sought mental health treatment hit a major coverage roadblock, like having their mental health care claims denied, needing pre-authorization for coverage, or not being able to find a provider who took their insurance, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) survey. 

But then, late last year, the Biden administration announced plans to make bigger changes to the MHPAEA, cracking down on insurance companies that use loopholes to skimp on mental health benefits. You might’ve seen the headlines last fall, but here’s the recap: Lawmakers are asking insurers to collect data that proves they’re following the parity rules and making mental benefits easier to access. 

Sounds great in theory! But…how’s that going? Here, we’ll get into the plan to fix the existing law, why that’s (obviously) proving to be harder than it should be, and how to hack the coverage you have now. 

Why mental health coverage is still expensive, confusing, and terrible

Since the MHPAEA was passed and amended over the years, insurance plans with drastically different copays and deductibles for mental health care versus physical health care had to make changes or face lawsuits from people who were denied coverage as well as tax penalties from the treasury department (up to $100 per day per patient) and the department of labor.

While that made a difference, it wasn’t enough to force all health insurance companies to treat mental health deductibles, copays, and whatnot the same as physical ones. That’s why, 15 years later, seeing a therapist still isn’t as simple or affordable as, say, seeing a dermatologist for a $50 copay.

It’s also why the new rules are trying to address the harder-to-quantify, less-obvious issues that make health insurance so bad at taking care of mental health, says David Lloyd, chief policy officer at Inseparable, a nonprofit mental health advocacy organization that aims to make mental health care more accessible. .

Here’s what those proposed new rules would mean: 

• Insurance companies need to collect more data on “nonquantitative treatment limitations” (NQTLs), like how many members need prior authorizations to access care, how many go out of network for care, and how many in-network providers currently take new patients.
• Insurance companies have to use a specific “mathematical test” to calculate whether they’ve achieved ~parity~ or not. 
• Government agencies overseeing insurance laws can request this data at any point—and so can people enrolled in that insurance plan. 
• You can request the plan’s data and complain to regulators if you find something wrong, Lloyd adds.

“These new rules [are meant to] address the fundamental issue: Plans are putting barriers in place that result in less mental health and addiction care,” says Lloyd. And yet, because this shit is complicated, these new guidelines still leave a lot to be desired by mental health pros and insurance companies alike. Here are some of the biggest pain points.

There are still plenty of loopholes.

The new proposal is essentially telling insurance companies: OK, show us—with real-world numbers and data we’re now mandating you collect—what mental health services you’ve ~actually~ been covering and how accessible that coverage is to your average person. 

But, even if they get busted, there’s still wiggle room, according to the Mental Health Liaison Group (MHLG), made up of organizations like the American Psychiatric Association, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and National Alliance on Mental Illness. 

The first one: Insurance companies can use confidential “independent professional medical or clinical standards” or their own clinical guidelines to deny coverage. Meaning, even if they’re breaking Biden’s new rules, they can claim their top-secret, proprietary standards justify it—and that would be reason enough. 

That lil loophole could undermine the new rules and maybe weaken the existing law, the liaison group wrote in their comments on Biden’s new requirements. 

Another exception: Insurance companies can say that they’re denying claims, limiting coverage, or breaking any of the parity rules to fight “fraud, waste, and abuse.” According to MHLG, this language is so broad that insurance companies can take advantage of it—and they already are. “We know that many health plans have sought to exploit claims of ‘fraud, waste, and abuse’ to deny or otherwise limit access to medically necessary care,” they write. 

Finally, those fines of $100 per day per policyholder (aka you and the people on your plan who are denied mental health coverage) seem intense, but there’s still a ton of bureaucratic red tape keeping the Department of Labor from issuing fines when insurance companies break the rules. And, even when they are fined, insurers seem to see these fines as “the cost of doing business,” says Lauren Finke, MPP, senior director of policy for  The Kennedy Forum, an organization advocating for better mental health care standards. It’s like a teacher telling you to do homework that only counts for only 1% of your grade—it’s not worth your time, Finke says.

Insurance companies get to self-police.

Turns out, the existing mental health parity laws already mandate that insurance companies audit themselves and send in their compliance receipts “upon request.” In the new proposed rules, the lawmakers acknowledge that a lot of companies often don’t track parity data or analyze it the way they’re supposed to until the government asks for it. Plus, when they do hand it over, a lot of the time the data doesn’t track all the things regulators asked for. Basically, they’re half-assing parity oversight. 

It’s not clear how the new rules will fix that. Insurers still don’t have to turn over data until the regulators ask for it. And, if they’re failing, they have 45 days to explain why they’re making it harder to get mental health care coverage than physical. After that, the proposed rules say that the insurance company “may not” force insured folks to follow their policies that break the new rules, according to the 2023 proposal. The insurance company also has to fix those restrictions. 

Some things we still don’t know: How often will the government ask insurance companies for this info? Is it at random? If so, what happens if companies aren’t compliant and no one knows except the company? And what happens to your denied mental health care claims in the meantime? It’s easy to see why mental health orgs are skeptical about the enforcement of all this. 

The proposed rules also want everyone to have access to the data proving their provider is meeting parity standards—and that’s a good thing, says Kaye Pestaina, vice president at KFF and co-director of their program for patient and consumer protection. Of course, most of us don’t know what we should be looking for in the first place, Pestaina adds. 

What would really help consumers, Pestaina explains, is more publicly available, easy-to-read information about exactly how much different insurance plans will cover for mental health care and which plans actually have available therapists in your area. Also, um, those plans would need to exist, be affordable, and hopefully be subsidized by your employer…

Insurance companies and therapists blame each other for the lack of coverage. 

One of the most helpful parts of these new proposed rules is a bit that requires insurance companies to take “appropriate action” to create a balance of in-network physical health providers and mental health providers. Meaning, in theory, you’d have an equally easy time finding a therapist who takes your insurance as you would finding a dermatologist. 

That said, these new rules also include an out for insurance companies that don’t meet the in-network provider parity standard. Companies can claim that, despite their best efforts, there aren’t enough mental health pros in their area or there aren’t enough willing to join their plan. In other words, “Not our fault! We tried! Sorry!” When that’s the case, there are no consequences in this rule for insurance companies lacking available mental health pros, according to the proposed rules.

To be fair, the insurance companies have to prove they’re attempting to make their mental health care provider network as accessible as their physical health provider network once a year, says Lloyd. Of course, it’s not super clear what happens if companies’ non-compliance goes undetected.

You might be wondering why it would be hard to convince mental health pros to join an insurance network. We’re so glad you asked! The short answer: Getting reimbursed by insurance companies is a huge headache for mental health providers, which is why so many therapists don’t take insurance. 

JaNaè Taylor, PhD, psychotherapist and founder of Minding My Black Business, says, in her experience, insurance plans don’t always follow through on paying providers their portion of the service. “[They] are inconsistent and lowball us with their reimbursement rates,” she notes. A lot of the time that’s because insurance companies don’t recognize mental health care as a preventive, medically necessary measure, Dr. Taylor adds.

When insurance plans don’t pay their part, providers end up in the hole and you may get an unexpected bill, explains Pestaina from KFF. Since someone needs to take that financial hit, this makes for unhappy clients and therapists, she adds. It also means fewer therapists want to deal with insurance at all, Dr. Taylor says.

Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, psychiatrist, therapist, and founder of Equal Mental Health, adds that there is indeed a provider shortage. Reimbursement issues and the administrative work needed to accept insurance means therapists often make more money by not taking insurance, explains Lloyd from Inseparable. Because the U.S. mental health care industry is famously low on providers, per KFF, that exacerbates the issue of uncovered mental health care, Lloyd adds.

But, hey, we’ll take what we can get when it comes to mental health parity.

Despite the significant loopholes, the hope is that these rules keep insurance companies honest about their mental health parity status and force them to fix existing problems. Eventually, that could mean fewer prior authorizations, more mental health providers who take your insurance, fewer surprise denials of coverage after you’ve already received a service, and (hopefully) less expensive mental health care in general, Lloyd says. 

It could take a while to see those effects though. The rules still aren’t finalized, and may not be till later this year. When they are, Pestaina says the rules aren’t enforceable until 2025. But who knows! Maybe plans will start auditing sooner to get ahead. It could happen!

How to navigate the situation we’ve got.

We’re here to say: Don’t give up! We asked experts for the best ways to manage the current system, so you can use your insurance to cover more of your mental health care costs right now.

Get a health savings account.

Some employee benefit programs include health savings accounts (HSA), which is a pre-tax account where you can save money to use on medical-related purchases like sunscreen, doctor’s appointments, and therapy, says Jessica B. Stern, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at New York University Langone Health. Though the savings aren’t huge, having tax-free dollars to put toward mental health expenses is better than nothing. Obviously, the more money you make, the more you’ll save in taxes, but if you use the account it can’t hurt. Just make sure you spend it within the year, otherwise you’ll lose it to the government. 

Don’t wait to find care.

If you need a new provider, the first step is finding someone who takes your insurance and is actually taking new clients. In theory, you should be able to go through your insurance’s database, click on anyone who looks interesting, and try to book an appointment. In reality, those sites might be very out of date, meaning you might need to try other online therapist directories and do a lot of calling and cross-referencing between Google and your insurance company.  This process can be long, drawn out, and frustrating as hell. And if you’re really struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, or any mental health symptom that makes this process feel like torture, you likely won’t have the energy to get it done. So, if you can, start searching before you really need an assist.

Cross check your insurance database. 

You probably should start by, yes, checking out your insurance company’s database of providers. But it can also help to look at other online provider portals like ZocDoc or Psychology Today for more info on their specialities, availability, and insurance coverage. Scrolling through multiple sites to confirm the facts about one therapist is annoying, but in the long run it could be faster than calling to make an appointment and being told they’re booked up or not taking insurance or both. 

Get the codes.

Once you find an in-network mental health pro you like, take the extra step of asking them how they might bill your insurance, says Dr. Stern. You’re asking specifically for the “billing code,” says Dr. Stern, which will help you verify how your insurance company is going to treat that visit. For instance, your insurance might cover in-person therapy visits one way and teletherapy visits another—annoying! Or they might only cover 10 sessions of either. Knowing this ahead of time can potentially help you avoid a big bill down the line. 

Dr. Stern says you could try something like, “I’m interested in working with you for [therapy/medication management/assessment], but I just want to confirm my coverage of this service with my insurance company. Would you mind sharing the potential or likely billing codes you might use for our work together?”

Then, run those codes by your insurance company via their customer service line, Dr. Stern adds. If they’re all clear, great! If not, you can ask what the limitations are, what they do cover, and then ask them to send you an email with all this info in it so you can refer back. (Heads up: These details can change, so don’t assume this coverage will be solid indefinitely.)

Look into your out-of-network benefits.

Sometimes, you’ve gotta go outside your insurance plan. Whether it’s because you’ve gone over your insurance’s treatment allowance or found a provider who won’t budge on the insurance bit, you should know what it will cost you to get that care. 

First thing to figure out: if you have an out-of-network deductible and how much it is. If you have one of these (FYI: they’re usually higher than your in-network deductible), that means that your insurance will pick up some of the bill for out-of-network costs once you hit that predetermined number. Once you know that, calculate how much your mental health care is going to cost so you can do a little loud budgeting.

For some, that could look like this: Your out-of-network deductible is $5,000. Once you’ve paid that much on your own, your insurance kicks in and reimburses you for 70% of every out-of-network bill after that. Let’s say your therapist doesn’t take your insurance and charges $150 a session. That would mean you’d need to hit that $5,000 out-of-network deductible before you start paying $45 for those sessions instead. It’s not always that simple, so make sure you’ve got all the details on how to get reimbursed by your insurance company.

The post Why Is Mental Health Care Still So Damn Expensive? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 05.02.24

What Is a Saturn Return and Why Is It Such a Mental Struggle?

Sure, blame the planets for your quarter life crisis. ByLisa Stardust

Your astrology-obsessed friend name drops it, Kacey Musgraves sang about it, and an astrologer on Ariana Grande’s new album gave us a quick lesson on what it means. Chances are you’ve heard about the ~Saturn return~ phenomenon. 

If you’re not a big astrology person™, you should know that when people go through a Saturn return, shit can get messy. Maybe you get laid off, your long-term partner dips out, or you face another seemingly life-altering situation like wanting to change career paths, get divorced, start a family, or augment your overall philosophy on life. 

When people come to me—an astrologer and author of the Saturn Return Survival Guide—for help with a major drama like this, and they’re between the ages of 27 and 29-and-a-half years old, I’m probably going to look at what’s happening with their Saturn.

That’s because this period often involves stepping (or being pushed) out of your comfort zone in order to find purpose in any areas of life where you feel unfulfilled. While it may be tough to learn these lessons, the resulting transformation can help you get closer to the person you hope to become. Yay for progress! 

So, let’s break down why this transit can hit us so hard in the feels, what that means for you, and what therapists say you can do to navigate the mental health hurdles that might come with your Saturn return.

What is a Saturn return?

In astrology, Saturn is known for its strict nature (the planet loves a daily routine) and ability to teach valuable lessons. It wants us to understand the importance of responsibility, obligations, structure, and being realistic in our lives. It’s also often associated with authority and rule-making. The location of Saturn in your birth chart can say a lot about how those themes show up in your life, especially around your Saturn return (you can find your birth chart and Saturn return timeline here.).

ICYMI, everyone has a birth chart, or a literal map of where the planets were in the sky at the time and place you were born. When you’re going through a Saturn return, that means Saturn is returning to the place it is in your birth chart, or its exact placement when you were born. This happens when you’re between 27 to 29-and-a-half years old (it takes Saturn 29-and-a-half years to make one trip around the sun, according to NASA).

Another important point: In our lifetime, we could experience up to three Saturn returns. The first happens in our late 20s, the second in our 50s, and the final in our 80s. Each of these serves up the same opportunities for us to learn those Saturnian lessons, like obligation, routine, and structure. 

The first Saturn return, probably the most famous one, marks our entrance into adulthood. It’s when we start thinking about our future as independent people and set our life goals.

When clients come to me during their first Saturn return, whether they realize it’s happening or not, they’ll often say that they feel like they’re at a crossroads. Some are trying to decide whether they should take time off from their career to travel or switch to another venture entirely. The first Saturn return can also impact friendships, since people feel like they’re outgrowing the ones they used to spend lots of time with. Oftentimes those old friends no longer align with their views and lifestyle.

During the second Saturn return, the same themes can come up, only this time the focus is on how you want to spend the second half of your life. You might be thinking more about moving on from a career you’ve spent decades building or a relationship that may have lasted just as long. You could also be reassessing your relationship with your kids. The financial repercussions of the last several decades can also catch up with you during the second Saturn return. 

During the last Saturn return, the planets might encourage you to reflect on your life and to go after anything on your bucket list you haven’t set out to do yet. You might also feel more compelled to make a habit of sharing your life with others. For example, my grandfather became uncharacteristically vocal about his childhood during his third Saturn return. He wanted to share his memories with us. I’ve witnessed this with clients as well.

Why does a Saturn return feel terrible, and what do I do about it?

In a nutshell: Growing up is hard. No matter how old we are, our Saturn return is a time when we sort through the people, places, and things that matter to us. And when we’re confronted with what no longer matches our energy, it can bring up a lot of feelings about the past, present, and future. 

This astrological transit wants you to become the most authentic version of yourself by understanding what speaks to you on an intimate level and making choices or changes that align with where you want to go in life—even if it’s a rocky process. Saturn doesn’t care if your next phase of life includes certain friends or jobs or habits. If it’s not working, this planetary transit wants you to let it go. 

Before my Saturn Return, I believed I needed to live up to the expectations of my family and friends by doing what I felt they expected of me (working a basic 9 to 5 and trying to get married), but it didn’t feel authentic to me. Once I experienced my Saturn return, I realized that pursuing my true passion (spoiler: astrology) was more important than adhering to a traditional career path. For one of my colleagues, their Saturn return involved getting married and quickly divorced after they realized their partner wasn’t aligned with their goals and aspirations. It can be a lot. 

While, yes, addressing these challenges head on and finding solutions that align with your values is the obvious way forward—and Saturn will love that for you—that doesn’t mean you’ll feel happy and fine as you make those major vibe shifts. 

Actually, the feeling you might experience most during this challenging phase of life is overwhelm, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. Overwhelm feels like moving from task to task without getting anything done or you’re completely frozen. That emotional state can lead to anxious thoughts about the future, fatigue, muscle tension, and may make you want to hide out from your friends and fam till further notice, she explains.

If you can relate, the first step to feeling better is to ask yourself, What do I need right now? says Dr. Polyné. Maybe it’s asking a friend for an assist or meeting your basic needs (have you eaten today? When’s the last time you sipped some water?). Maybe you just need to take a walk to your favorite park or around the block. You can also try a grounding exercise, she adds. Any of those can help you pause and regroup. Then, when you’re ready, you’ll get more clarity around the choices or changes you need to make. 

For me, it took a few years to check myself. With the help of my psychotherapist and many missteps, I saw that I was creating the same cycle over and over. It wasn’t helping me evolve. But taking time to look at those situations and relationships in my life from an outside perspective allowed me to have the awareness of how they were holding me back. Eventually, I was able to let go and surrounded myself with people who lift me up.

While the metamorphosis of a Saturn return can be a heavy burden, by acknowledging what’s not working, slowing down, and taking care of yourself, you’ll ultimately be able to spread your wings and fly. See you on the other side! 

The post What Is a Saturn Return and Why Is It Such a Mental Struggle? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.12.24

How to Actually Be a Happier Person

Gonna go gawk at a sunset. BySam Brodsky

First, a myth worth busting: Learning how to be happy does not mean never feeling shitty ever again. That’s just not realistic. “Life is not frictionless. You’re going to experience loss; you’re going to be frightened or anxious or angry,” says happiness researcher Emiliana R. Simon-Thomas, PhD, science director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. To imagine that even a happy life won’t have unpleasant moments is a major misnomer, she notes. 

Another big misconception about how to be happier is that it involves a higher salary or getting a fancier job, says psychologist Laurie Santos, PhD. Obviously, money makes a difference in your life—especially when you do not have it. But you don’t need a raise to start feeling a bit happier about whatever’s going on for you right now. What matters most is changing your everyday behaviors and mindset, says Dr. Santos, who hosts The Happiness Lab  podcast and teaches Yale’s uber popular course: Psychology and the Good Life.

Also, happiness isn’t usually a thing that you just stumble upon (though anyone who’s found a $20 bill on the street knows it can  happen like that). Most of the time, you’ll become happier by working on it consistently. Dr. Santos says she likes to explain it with a leaky tire analogy her friend and fellow psychologist Nick Epley, PhD, came up with. You have to keep doing things to pump your joy back up over time. “It’s not like you do them once, and then you’re done and happy forever,” Dr. Santos explains.

Of course, if you’ve been feeling super down for a while, these little happy hacks likely won’t address what’s really going on. In that case, think about whether reaching out to a mental health pro for some support could help you ID the root of your hard feelings and help you sort through it, says Dr. Santos. 

But if you’re just looking for some ways to pump up your own joy, try these expert-backed tips.

1. Make someone else’s day.

It’s been well-documented in happiness research that acts of kindness can make people doing those nice things happier because we’re wired that way. One of the reasons altruism makes us happy is because humans evolved to feel good when they made others  feel good. “What we know at the neuroscience level is that kindness, generosity, or actions that serve others activate the reward pathways,” explains Dr. Simon-Thomas. That’s the same system in your brain that makes you feel good when you see something hilarious on TikTok or eat something really delicious. That system’s activated when your brain associates a situation, experience, or object with a positive outcome. “So it is actually innately pleasing just to do something that has a benefit, that brings joy to others,” she adds. 

Another reason why being a good person to others makes us happier: It enables us to feel like we matter, explains Dr. Simon-Thomas. What makes you feel like your actions are important and valuable is knowing they actually help someone, she says. When you contribute to humanity in some way that you can actually name or identify, even something tiny like holding a door, it reminds you of your innate capacity to make a positive difference in the lives of others, says Dr. Simon-Thomas.

2. Get your friend a little treat when you can.

Despite how great an Amazon haul might make you feel, some research suggests that when people spend money on others (what psychologists call “prosocial spending”), they tend to feel happier than when they spend the same money on themselves, says Dr. Santos. She pointed to a review of research where, in one small experiment, people who spent money on others (donations, toys for siblings, or food for friends) reported happier moods throughout the day than those told to spend the cash on themselves. 

Dropping money for others probably feels good because we’re making people happy, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. As she explains, when we see that somebody else is uplifted or pleasantly surprised because of something we did, it ~sparks joy~ for those biological reasons described above.

The researchers also found that participants who spent money on someone else in an in-person social interaction got even more out of their dollars. For example, “participants who received a $10 Starbucks gift card were happier if they spent it on a friend rather than on themselves—but only if they took the time to go to Starbucks with their friend,” the study authors write. Makes sense—connecting with people we like also makes us feel good. 

Whatever and however you choose to spend your money on others, it definitely doesn’t have to be a whole lot (because…you know…life’s expensive). The participants in the experiments above spent as little as $5 or as much as $20. So there’s that! 

3. Make small talk with a stranger.

When you’re out in public, you might feel like an antisocial goblin who doesn’t want to talk to anyone (and…same). But speaking with strangers instead of keeping to yourself can sometimes boost your mood because it’s a type of human connection, says Dr. Simon-Thomas.

Human connection makes us happy because it enables us to rely on each other to survive and accomplish shared goals, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. “As a cooperative, social species, support from the people around us was critical to our success back in the evolutionary day,” agrees Dr. Santos. 

It’s not a great experience to feel excluded or lonely, Dr. Simon-Thomas adds. So even just connecting with a stranger creates a sense of trust and belonging, she says. 

It doesn’t have to be a super deep convo! Keep it simple and ask the person bagging your groceries how their day’s going, Dr. Simon-Thomas suggests. People in Dr. Epley’s experiments, who were told to purposely try connecting with strangers on public transportation, started convos by saying things like “bless you” after someone sneezed or bringing up the news (did you see  that eclipse?!). Turns out, they reported more positive experiences than those who kept to themselves. Basically, don’t discount the joy-pumping potential of connecting with other humans—even in a small way. 

4. Consider all the things that don’t suck.

Yes, a lot of shitty shit happens in this life—and, again, you can’t expect to not  have any setbacks. However! Purposely taking time to appreciate something seemingly small (like your morning coffee) and something a bit bigger (like a friend helping you through a life change) can be a really powerful way to trigger happiness, says Dr. Santos.

Gratitude can help you view life more optimistically, says psychologist and researcher Robert Emmons, PhD, author of The Little Book of Gratitude. Our brains are really good at accentuating the bad, thanks to something called negativity bias, he explains. So, reminding ourselves of stuff we’re grateful for shifts our minds away from the negative and toward things that make our life good in the present, he says, which can also keep us feeling hopeful about more good in the future.

Just to be clear, gratitude doesn’t mean turning something bad into something good, Dr. Simon-Thomas notes. However, it can  take you out of worry spirals you might be stuck in, she says. In other words, it’s not about ignoring any difficult thing you go through, but it may make going through those things suck a little less because you can acknowledge “you’re making your way out of the dark,” Dr. Emmons agrees. 

You can practice gratitude whenever you catch yourself in these negative spirals, suggests psychologist Emma Seppälä, PhD, author of Sovereign. Like, sure, you’re having a horrible day at work, and it’s 100% valid to feel stressed. But, you can take a pause when you’re on your impending doom ride and think about one good thing that your job has given you (your coworkers, financial stability, whatever it is), Dr. Seppälä notes.

Another gratitude practice is literally just writing out things you’re thankful for in the a.m. or p.m., says Dr. Simon-Thomas. You can also write thank you letters to people in your life, she adds. Send them to people as voice memos, emails, or cards in the mail; tell them face-to-face; or keep it to yourself. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with, she says.

As a bonus, when we remind ourselves (and other people) that we’re grateful for the relationships we have in our lives, this drives human connection, says Dr. Emmons. This is fantastic news! 

5. Pump up the JOMO. 

We’ve established that connecting with others is great for your mental health, but saying no to social plans or non-essential meetings can make you happier too. This might seem sort of counterintuitive (see: guilt). But, with a little mental reframe, you can get excited about being alone or having free time, thus boosting your happiness.

To hack your brain into enjoying your own company, focus on the joy of missing out (JOMO) by relishing in the free time you have, suggests Dr. Simon-Thomas. Another neat tip: Once you’ve officially RSVP’d no, write reminders in your calendar of when the canceled plan or meeting or whatever it was would  have been. This makes it easier to appreciate that you don’t have to do that thing anymore, notes Dr. Santos. You’re being like, “Fuck, yeah! I didn’t do this, and that’s actually a potential good thing.” It’s what’s adorably called the “no-yay effect” from University of Toronto professor Dilip Soman. 

6. Soak in some awe. 

Being in awe feels good since it can trigger gratitude, says Dr. Simon-Thomas (it’s all connected!). Imagine seeing something that makes you go, “Oh, wow”—sorta like glimmers on steroids. Maybe it’s a double rainbow outside your window. You might get all tingly and feel lucky to be witnessing such a cool thing, she notes. You might stop where you are and take a picture of it because you’re so blown away.

Awe can also foster a greater sense of connection with others (which, again, makes us happy!!!), adds Dr. Simon-Thomas. You may want to share this double-rainbow moment with a neighbor who came out to see it. Maybe you chat with them about how they’re doing and offer them some banana bread you baked, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. That’s totally possible because people tend to feel more generous when they’re in this OMG-this-universe-is-incredible state, she says. Awe can really bring people together! 

To promote this feeling in your everyday life, go on a hike, literally just look at a video of nature, or jam out to live music, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. Basically, seek out awe-inducing experiences.  As a bonus, other people might also be there to witness these awesome things with you. And, even if they aren’t, you’ll probably still feel super lucky to see what your eyeballs are seeing or hear what your ears are hearing. Yay for you! 

The post How to Actually Be a Happier Person appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.12.24

8 Uncomfy Things That Are Totally Normal to Talk About in Therapy

What you say in therapy stays in therapy. BySam Brodsky

It can be intimidating to divulge dark stuff you’d rather forget (like cheating or suicidal thoughts) to a therapist. But bringing up the random shit that makes you cringe, like the sporadic visual of you punching a baby, isn’t any easier.

It’s valid to feel weird (maybe even embarrassed) about disclosing all this stuff, but it’s a therapist’s job not  to judge you, says relationship therapist Erica Turner, LMFT. That means you can basically talk to your therapist about anything. “Our job is to literally hold your experiences without shame, without judgment, to remain curious, to remain empathetic,” she promises.

That’s cool and all, but, aside from the potential judgery, you might feel like discussing those dark or random things is pointless. Say you’ve been navigating depression with your therapist and aren’t sure if it makes sense to bring up your out-of-the-blue attraction to your best friend. Even if something seems off-topic or NBD to you, if it’s messing with the way you show up in the world or invades your brain more often than you’d like, your therapist wants to know about it. Worst-case scenario is they don’t feel equipped to address that particular issue and they refer you to a specialist who can offer more help, says certified sex therapist Donna Oriowo, PhD, LICSW, MEd. 

In case you need more convincing, we talked to mental health pros about the things their clients are often nervous to discuss but 100% can (and should) bring into the room. Consider this permission to let it all out, friends. 

1. Intrusive thoughts 

The uncomfy brain montage of you and a stranger making out? Weird! But, also, it’s normal. Bizarre ideas like that can pop into your head even if you don’t want those things to happen or truly have no idea where they came from, says psychotherapist Chris Trondsen, LMFT. And your therapist wants to hear about it—especially if it’s bothering you. 

When you broach the subject, you can be as specific as you want about the intrusive thoughts. If you’re uncomfortable saying them out loud, you can always write them down, suggests licensed therapist Jessica Shoflick, LCSW. If that’s still too much, just talk about how they’re affecting you so your therapist can help you deal, notes Trondsen. They’ll be able to remind you that you are not your thoughts and thinking something isn’t the same thing as doing it, he says.

2. Sex

Talking about sex can feel embarrassing as fuck. But therapists have literally heard it all, says Dr. Oriowo. Therapy’s supposed to help you create a life that feels good, and, for a lot of people, sex is part of that, agrees certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

If you’re still unsure, you can start by asking if sex is a topic your therapist is fine talking about, says Francis. For example, you can say, “I might want to ask you about some sex fantasies I’ve been having. Is that OK?” From there, if they’re down, your therapist can help you unpack it all. They might empower you to release the shame you feel, notes Francis. Or, they can help you figure out what to do about an issue.  

3. Race-based concerns

If you’ve experienced microaggressions or any other discrimination based on what you look like, you might be nervous to talk about it in therapy. Sometimes that’s because, in the past, someone told you that you’re being sensitive for calling it out or you internalized it as “not a real problem,” says Dr. Oriowo. You also may hesitate to bring it up if you think your therapist can’t relate, she says. 

Still, if you’re comfortable talking about it, a mental health pro can help you unpack the ways colorism and texturism impact your life and relationships, Dr. Oriowo says. “We have been taught that certain people should be devalued based on what the color of their skin is or what the texture of their hair is,” she says. “So in doing the work to unravel the messages that they have internalized about themselves and learning about beauty diversity, they can start to feel better about themselves.”

4. Cheating on a partner 

If Scandoval taught us anything, it’s that people hate cheaters. So it’s no wonder you’d be nervous to bring your own infidelity (not to be confused with ethical non-monogamy) up in therapy. Though, if you don’t, you might be missing out on some helpful or even healing insights from your mental health pro. 

To bring it up, you can start broad and let the therapist ask the followups, says Turner. They’re not going to boo you or refuse to meet with you ever again. They’ll help you get to the bottom of why you cheated, which could be seeking excitement or feeling disconnected from your partner, she notes. Whatever it was, they’ll help you explore that and what you want to do about it, she says. 

5. Suicidal ideation 

Having thoughts about not wanting to be alive is probably not something you’re thrilled to admit, but it’s intel your therapist will want to know. Depending on what you’re comfortable with, you can lead with something vague like, “I’ve been having suicidal thoughts,” or, “I’ve been thinking about not wanting to be alive anymore,” suggests Turner. Of course, you can be more specific with, “I wish I wouldn’t wake up,” but it’s ultimately on your therapist to ask what’s going on, she says. Don’t put pressure on yourself to get the words right.  

Your therapist will likely help you come up with a game plan for staying safe when you have those thoughts, aka a safety plan, says Turner. You might jot down friends and family who always know what to say or how to listen, things that calm you or distract you in the moment, or crisis hotlines to call, she explains.

A mental health pro will also help you suss out your triggers and how to deal, Turner adds. Instead of staying in a spiral, you might plan to go for a walk, journal, or talk to a friend. If your trigger is past trauma, your therapist can help you “bring your brain and body into the present so you are no longer reacting to the situation you already have escaped from,” notes licensed therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT. 

FYI: If you’re worried that bringing this up will result in a one-way ticket to mandatory hospitalization, here’s some helpful info on how to talk about suicidal ideation in therapy and what might lead a therapist to break confidentiality and act on your behalf. 

6. Abuse

Oftentimes people blame themselves or think their therapist will judge them for past or ongoing abuse, Turner says. You might also believe that talking about it will get the abuser in trouble, she adds. (Just so you know, elder and child abuse are typically the only cases of abuse that therapists are required to report, Turner says. Anything other than that would be breaking confidentiality.) 

Because of all of these complicated feelings, it takes a lot of trust to talk about being intentionally harmed physically, emotionally, or sexually, Turner notes. But when you’re ready to bring it up, do it in whatever way feels safe for you, she says. “Therapy, for better or for worse, is a place to bring your pain and to be seen as worthwhile and whole and to have someone hold possibility and hope for your healing,” assures Francis.  

7. Financial issues 

Money struggles can stir up tons of shame and stigma. That can make it difficult to talk to your therapist about financial problems, says Johnston. But therapy can help you process those hard feelings and confront the practical issues. Your therapist can also clue you in on what fears are stopping you from talking about money with other  people, like your partner, says Johnston. The convos might still be hard to have, but you can learn to manage them.

It can also be awkward to bring up your ability to pay for therapy with your therapist, says Johnston. But, instead of just ignoring it and ghosting when it gets too expensive, talk about it. See if they’re willing to work with you. You could say, “I don’t have a job anymore, but I’d like to continue seeing you. Can we work something out?” he suggests. It’s worth a shot!

8. Issues you have with therapy—or your therapist 

Sometimes a therapist might say something you don’t like. You might even feel like therapy’s run out of juice and isn’t helping you anymore. It can seem awkward, but a mental health pro can’t help you if you’re not being fully honest about how it’s going. 

When it comes to correcting their assessments, you can say, “By the way, that’s not what I meant,” or, “I actually think something else is going on,” says Johnston. If confrontation freaks you out, you can email your therapist rather than say this in person, says Dr. Oriowo. Or, you can try a “sandwich” approach, where you put your feedback between two nice statements, suggests Shoflick. That could sound like, “Hey, it’s been great having your support, but I feel X way when you say Y to me. I’m grateful for the space you’ve given me to be so open, but I wanted to tell you that.” However you give feedback, “this is an opportunity to address issues directly and try new skills with someone who wants to do that work with you,” Johnston says. 

You can also break up with your therapist if things aren’t going great or you don’t think you need them anymore. Usually, your therapist should be checking in with you anyway, and they know they won’t be with you forever, assures Dr. Oriowo. Use the last 15 minutes of a session to bring this up with something like, “I’m thinking about maybe not coming to therapy anymore. I’m feeling OK and don’t think that I need it,” she suggests. Then, you’ll probably chat about how you came to this decision and if this should be your final session, she notes. There’s no shame in saying goodbye!

The post 8 Uncomfy Things That Are Totally Normal to Talk About in Therapy appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 12.14.23

10 Cheap but Meaningful Gift Ideas People Swear By

Financial stress, where? BySam Brodsky

Gifts are great! But if your finances are fa-la-la-la-fucked right now, you might be losing sleep over how to actually show your love this holiday season without going in the red. Financial therapist Aja Evans, LMHC, says that her clients often feel pressured to buy expensive stuff instead of cheap gifts because they think spending big bucks shows people they care—even though the two aren’t correlated, she notes. “You can be a good person and love your family no matter how much or little you spend,” she says.

And hey, maybe buying pricey things is, in fact, your love language. That’s cool! But in case you needed reminding, dropping money you might not have for the sake of showing love is…not worth it. “It’s very stressful because the added pressure to spend during the [holiday] season can push people further into a financially precarious place. They do it because they love their people and don’t want them to feel slighted even though they can’t afford it,” Evans says.

It’s also just not great for your mental health. For one, it can make you feel guilty and—maybe without realizing it—make you resent the people you’re shopping for, says therapist and accredited financial counselor LaQueshia Clemons, LCSW. It can also add to the anxiety or depression you might already experience thanks to your money situation, she notes. 

If you can relate, both therapists say you don’t need to spend a ton to enjoy this time of year and you can set boundaries to get through the pains of gift-gifting. They suggest making—and sticking to—a budget and, if you’re comfortable, just being honest with people in your life that you’re not in the best place to get them pricey presents they might’ve asked for (or are expecting).  

So, in the spirit of soothing the pressure to spend a lot on presents, here are cheap gifts people gave or received that were still super meaningful. (We’re talking under $20 or even free.)  Whatever you celebrate, use these ideas as inspo for your own shopping adventures. Good luck to you and your bank accounts!

1. Write letters for every occasion.

“I’ve made ‘open when’ letters for boyfriends and a friend in the past. They’ve been, without a doubt, the best gifts I’ve ever given and received. Basically, you write notes for someone to open when they’re sad or mad or bored, when they miss you, etc. All you need is access to a printer and maybe some scissors, notecards, and envelopes.

I go all out and add extra things like jewelry and tea [which costs money], but you don’t need to. You can always cut out some memes or inspiring quotes that make you think of them instead. Or, you can even print coloring pages or word searches for them to do. I actually had a friend make me some of these once, and she didn’t spend any money—she just wrote the letters and included quotes and songs I could listen to that corresponded with each mood.” —Chrysta G., 25 

2. You can never go wrong with photos.

“My boyfriend’s parents are really tough to buy for, but I know they wish they got to see him more often. So, this year I enlarged and framed a beautiful photo my boyfriend took of the three of them in their favorite state park. Even though it cost very little, I know it’ll have a bigger impact than anything money can buy. It was a bit more than $20 because I had it framed by Framebridge, but I’ve done it before for cheaper. You can enlarge a photo at a Staples or similar printing store for a few dollars and buy a cheaper frame for, like, $10.” —Jessica S., 32

3. Family recipes are meaningful too.

“We didn’t grow up with a ton of money, and I remember one year my mom bought three small notebooks—one for each of us (like this)—and wrote down all our favorite family recipes. She’d been working on it all year, slowly compiling everything, and it’s still the most meaningful gift I’ve ever gotten. I use it all the time!” —Marilyn L., 29

4. Give someone something to feel connected to you.

“I’m a writer, but, in the age of technology, all of my work is published online. My grandma doesn’t own a computer, and every time I saw her, she would tell me she wanted to read my work. So, for Christmas last year, I printed out a bunch of my articles and put them in a binder for her, and she was so excited. She said it was her favorite present she got that year.

It cost very little to do. I don’t remember the exact cost of everything, but I used the same type of binder you can find on Target’s website for around $12. Plastic refills from Hobby Lobby are under $4, and wrapping paper from the dollar store is usually $1 or $1.25. I have a printer at home that already had paper in it, so printing didn’t cost me anything.” —Gina W., 26

5. Lean into nostalgia. 

“The most meaningful gift I gave my husband was pictures of his parents who passed away when he was a baby, before he could really remember them. I was able to get old pictures from a relative, and I got them framed. It cost me a few dollars at Walgreens to print the pictures, and the frame was maybe $15. My husband cried and said it was the best gift he’d ever received.” —LaQueshia Clemons, LCSW, therapist and accredited financial counselor  

6. Get your friend something they can use to make their own memories.

“I bought a pocket-sized Lonely Planet travel guide to Vienna for my friend who’s been learning German. I think it was about 9 pounds [about $11]. I got my undergraduate degree there, so I filled the guide with notes about my favorite places in the city. It was a meaningful gift because my friend really wanted to go to Austria but had no idea where to start, so I thought: What better way to motivate them than giving them a travel guide of the capital with my own personal faves in it? I included notes like, ‘This place in the university building is a must-see,’ and ‘These cafes will give you a real, authentic Viennese experience.’ 

Since my friend has been learning Standard German mostly spoken in Germany, I also included little facts about Austrian German and specific words you would hear only in Vienna. They really appreciated my notes and said they were excited to check out all the places I mentioned, so I’d say it was a successful gift!” —Alessa D., 25 

7. You can try stuff that’s homemade.

“I like to give little things that are handmade or can be eaten because I feel like it shows more effort. I’ve given my friends and their families homemade granola in IKEA jars that they loved so much they’ve asked for more. 

This year, I’ll be making scrunchies for friends with scrap fabric I have on hand. They won’t cost me anything to make because I have an old sewing machine from my mom and I already have elastic. You could thrift the fabric and repurpose it from clothes, but Joann’s also sells some precut fabric and elastic for cheap. [In case you were wondering,] this is the tutorial I’ve used before, and this is one I’d use if I didn’t have a sewing machine.” —Isela L., 32

8. Getting creative with their favorite things goes a long way.

“Last Christmas, my little sister got me a letter from Chris Evans himself! (She wrote it, but it was the thought that counted!) My uncle also gave me my favorite soft drink with a picture of my fave band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, wrapped around the bottle—he pretended that it was a limited edition drink. Both of these gifts were funny and thoughtful because people were paying attention to me and what I like. They didn’t cost much at all, but they’re worth billions to me.” —Sabína K., 24

9. Make memories into keepsakes.

“A gift that I felt so great giving was when I turned a friend’s hospital bracelets from having their baby into an ornament. It cost maybe $10 total for the glass ornament and colored ribbon from Michaels. I was so excited to give it to them, and it’s an amazing keepsake of a special moment.” —Aja Evans, LMHC, financial therapist 

10. Do them a favor. 

“I usually spend the holidays visiting my sisters in another state, and while we’ve made a pact to skip gift-giving with each other in favor of just spending time together, I also try to volunteer for childcare duties when I’m there. It saves them money on babysitters and gives them each an excuse to have a date night, take a day for themselves, or get a bunch of work done uninterrupted. Plus, I get to spend time with my cute nieces and nephews—and dominate in board games.” —Casey G., 34

The post 10 Cheap but Meaningful Gift Ideas People Swear By appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 08.23.23

Skyh Black’s Mental Health Routine Might Make You Blush

The actor opens up about dealing with his feelings and going to couples therapy. ByShannon Barbour

We proudly stand with the WGA and SAG-AFTRA. As such, this interview does not focus on the promotion of any particular project.

For Skyh Black (aka Skyh Alvester Black), the past three years have been a time for leveling-up in every way possible. From valet parking cars just before the pandemic and experiencing financial insecurity to landing a breakout role on a hit series and getting engaged to fellow actor KJ Smith, it’s safe to say there’s a lot going on in Black’s life. 

“No one ever really talks about that transition phase where you’re like, OK, wow. My life is changing, and it’s all great. However, it’s moving really, really fast. You don’t want it to stop, but it’s moving fast,” he tells Wondermind. It’s also been a time to get intentional about his mental health and continue to let go of unhelpful stigmas around getting vulnerable. 

Here, the actor and producer sits down for a mental health check-in and talks about his self-care routine, the importance of believing in yourself, and why couples therapy is actually fun. 

[Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.]

WM: How are you doing lately? 

Skyh Black: Usually I would say I’m doing great. I honestly am doing great. However, I’m gonna start being more honest, and especially since we’re talking about mental health, which is one of my favorite subjects. I’m mitigating my transition in life as effectively as I can because it’s happening so fast, but I’m doing well. 

WM: What helps you manage those feelings and make sure you’re processing all these changes? 

SB: It’s been a learning process of what I need. Before I was just on the hustle, go, go, go. I still am on the same hustle, but it looks different. I check in with myself pretty much every morning. I have a thing now where I don’t like any disturbance of anything from the time that I wake up to the time that I start whatever I’m gonna do that day. The first hour has to be peace, whatever that peace involves. I talk to God before my feet touch the floor, before I pick up my phone—that’s just me. And honestly, I go out in my backyard in the buff [laughs] and literally just lay in the sun. I do it every morning. And when used effectively, I think medical marijuana is great for mental health and for managing anxiety or anything like that. I’m a huge fan. And recreationally—I’m not gonna sit up here and lie [laughs]. 

WM: What mindset shift helped you change how you look at life? 

SB: When I let go as far as me being a person and auditioning and caring about what the people on the other side wanted. It freed me to just experience life so I can portray life better. I felt like I was getting stifled by, Damn, I don’t know what they want. Did I do what they wanted? Did I get it right for casting? And it’s like, guess what? This is my interpretation. I did the work in investing and trying to investigate as much as I could possibly investigate at this time about this character and this circumstance. And if I’m confident that I did the work and I did it to the best of my ability at this moment, that’s enough.  

What’s for me is for me. No one can take it away and vice versa. I can’t have something that was meant for someone else. That freed my mind so much.

WM: You’re a supporter of going to therapy. What has your experience been like, and how did you find a therapist? 

SB: I asked around, and I listened to people’s conversations a lot. I actually asked a castmate on one of the movies that I did earlier this year. I had an experience, and I said, “Hey, who do you talk to? Because I like the person you are now and the energy you have. How did you get that?” He recommended a therapist to me and I started going and I think it’s essential. 

We take on so much—excuse my language—shit every single day. And how do you unpack that? Think of yourself as a house, right? If you keep putting things in the house and never clean it out, you’re a hoarder and there’s no space to move around effectively. For me, especially as a man and especially as a Black man, it’s never discussed. It’s never talked about. It’s almost taboo, and I don’t know why because we need an outlet. Everybody needs somebody to talk to.

WM: What’s one of your best lessons that you’ve learned in therapy?

SB: To identify the problem right there. What is going on with me right now? Right in this moment and right in this second, can I fix it right now? Am I in a place to be able to fix it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. However, I have to take a moment to just assess what it is so I can deal with it with the effective tools. And also, call yourself on your bullshit. A lot of stuff that happens to us, a lot of times we are the cause. Not all the time, but sometimes there’s something in us that we can work on. 

My fiancée and I, before we get married, we are actively in couples therapy every week to talk about everything that is happening with us in our lives and how it affects us as a unit. We’re very strong on getting to the root of the problem so you can fix it. 

It’s fun, actually. I mean, it’s fun ’cause you learn more about your partner. Are you gonna be laughing and joking the whole time? No, not at all. ‘Cause we’re two individuals, and I’m sure we get on each other’s nerves even though we love the hell out of each other. You need to get that out and talk about it so your space can be clean. We get closer than ever [through therapy]. 

WM: As a Black man who has felt like you have to be extra conscious about how you project your feelings, how do you navigate that while still communicating your emotions or needs?

SB: For me, it’s still a daily process. … I feel that right now in this space in my life as a Black man and being a Black entertainer in the public eye, I feel like there are a lot of “can’ts” that go on with Black men. Black men cannot show anger or emotion in public whatsoever for fear of getting killed. We take on a lot. Every day we take on microaggressions just like everyone else. We take on racism constantly. … We also cannot cry. 

But we are sometimes the root cause of why we can’t. I’m going to make a blanket statement, but more often than not in the Black community, you’re soft if you share vulnerability or emotion. That wasn’t celebrated in our community. So we, in turn, now do it to ourselves. 

So as Black men, how do you release? We hurt, we get sad, and then we don’t know how to express it because we’ve never been taught. We’ve never had the skills. When your daughter falls, you go, “Oh, come here, baby. Are you OK?” When your son falls, you say, “Get up. Don’t be a punk.” You are systematically muting my emotion every single time you do that. As I got older and became an actor and explored my own emotions, it was hard. Effective communication without rage or anger was hard. Just hearing was hard, and loving was hard. 

And how do you now mitigate life when life is telling you what you are, your skin color, how you feel, and everything is wrong and bad? I think starting the conversation is the first step. … You can’t have a solution if the problem is never discovered.

WM: You’ve also been honest about previously struggling to want to be alive. Do you mind sharing what helped you continue on?

SB: Faith. And honestly my grandmother. My grandfather had just passed, and I didn’t want to hurt her. That’s the honest to God truth because I felt that at that point, I was like, Well, God, if my dreams are this big and it’s not happening, just let me know. There’s nothing else I really want to do. But I can’t take much more by myself, and I’m ready to leave. … One night I was literally just on the way to work to the valet job, and I was like, I’m so tired.

I called one of my best friends, and I said, “I’m sorry, bro. I can’t do it anymore.” And he told me, “Remember your grandmother and remember the promise you made to her that you would take care of her.” That is the only thing that kept me going at that vulnerable moment. Then, the faith just kicked in. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe in yourself more than anybody believes in you. … And having a healthy circle is imperative.

WM: What mental health advice do you want to leave readers with?

SB: Choose to better yourself. Make a choice every day to really be better. … Take time to assess yourself and say, “Hey, what am I contributing to my life in a negative way? And how can I change that?” Because if you change you, everything else around you starts to change. I know that for certain.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or The Trevor Project by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting “START” to 678-678.

The post Skyh Black’s Mental Health Routine Might Make You Blush appeared first on Wondermind.