Pro Tips Link Copied 01.21.25

How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires?

“No one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left.” ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

The air in Los Angeles is heavy, both literally and figuratively. The Palisades, Eaton Canyon, and Hurst wildfires burned thousands of acres. That includes homes, small businesses, and wildlife habitats. In an instant, thousands of people lost what took years or even generations to build. The Los Angeles wildfires also stripped away our sense of security, leaving all of us fearful of the future. 

As a Los Angeles resident, I’m anxiously waiting for my cue to evacuate. Living just a few miles from what is now a stretch of ash and debris, I’ve been consumed by messages from loved ones checking in and constantly monitoring evacuation notifications. At this point, the only thing separating me from the fires is the direction of the wind.

As a therapist, I’m surprised that no one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left (there’s no certainty that it will all be there when you return). They also don’t talk about how, even if you’re physically safe, you’re constantly checking for updates on the damage.

At the time of this writing, the fires aren’t yet contained and the psychological toll is fresh and ongoing. However, I want everyone to know that it’s not too early to start coping with the grief, trauma, and anxiety caused by the devastation. 

Whether you lost your home, someone you love lost theirs, you’re waiting to hear if you need to leave your neighborhood, or you’re watching in horror from afar, we’re all feeling helpless. And it’s OK if you’re not ready or able to process your emotions around all of this right now. But, if and when you are, here are a few strategies I recommend.

Prioritize your physical needs.

If you’re directly impacted by the fires, there are an endless number of things competing for your attention. Texts from loved ones, spreadsheets of resources, insurance claims, and other logistical tasks that come with navigating the aftermath.

In the midst of it all, it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself, especially your physical needs. But putting those at the top of your list is actually one of the most helpful ways to recover emotionally and materially. You need energy to take on everything coming your way.

So check in with yourself. Have you eaten? Are you hydrated? Can you take a nap if you need one? Tackle those first. 

Mindfully distract yourself.

Witnessing destruction in your neighborhood and hearing stories of loss can trigger symptoms of stress and anxiety, like nightmares, flashbacks, or persistent fear.  

If you’re experiencing this, know that this response is likely your mind and body processing trauma—and you don’t have to wait until the symptoms worsen to seek relief from the emotional toll.

One helpful tool is called mindful distraction. This can help you cultivate calm by distracting yourself for a bit. JFYI, distraction isn’t the same thing as avoidance. It’s a self-soothing technique and signals a sense of calm to your body. 

You can start by inhaling for four counts and exhaling for six to eight counts until you feel a little more grounded. Another option is called safe havening. Gently stroke your arms or face while visualizing a soothing image. It could be anything! No matter which route you go (maybe you use both), it can help relieve those overwhelming feelings. 

Connect with people who get it. 

Going through a traumatic event like this can make you feel incredibly lonely. That’s why seeking out others who directly relate to what you’re experiencing can be incredibly helpful. Of course, you might not be ready to talk about what’s happened yet. It’s OK to take your time and respect your readiness. 

But, when you’re ready, sharing aspects of your experience can help reduce the weight of the pain, lowering the volume of your big feelings. It also helps you understand what you’ve been through as you create a narrative around it. As you get more grounded, you’ll be in a better place to plan next steps. 

At the same time, when speaking to those who’ve lost their homes, evacuated, or have family members who are affected, you’ll feel more understood and supported. Their experiences help validate your experiences. 

If you’re not sure who to turn to, try reaching out to your neighbors, finding support groups, or visiting local relief organizations.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

Lots of people who weren’t directly affected feel like they aren’t allowed to be anxious, sad, or grieve the devastation of this event. Others, especially those who were impacted, often lean into toxic positivity. 

No matter what your situation, we all need space to feel the full range of emotions cycling through our bodies right now. If we don’t allow them to come up, we can experience psychological distress. 

Having a hard time right now? Take some time to check in with your emotions at the beginning of each day. When things feel too heavy, give yourself permission to sit with the anxiety, grief, sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever’s going on.

Write a letter to what you lost.

Being directly impacted by the fires brings loss on many levels: loss of loved ones, possessions, places tied to special memories, and what could have been. Healing begins when we allow our grief to take up space. Start by asking yourself this question, If my grief could talk, what would it say? This can be a powerful way to honor and process your grief and learn more about what matters to us.

Get clear on what you’re grieving. Is it a loved one? A place? A pet? Your photo albums? The furniture handed down by your grandparents? Write a letter to the person, place, or possession, and share your memories and feelings about them. Talk about what they meant to you. 

Even as you begin to rebuild your life, you may notice a longing for what was. When that happens, acknowledge this as a very normal part of the healing process.

Find comfort in a routine.

Cultivating a routine is an underrated tool for navigating trauma. That’s because doing the same things on a regular basis provides a sense of stability—especially when life is unpredictable. Engaging in consistent and calming activities can combat the fight-or-flight response activated by a traumatic event. 

If you were directly impacted, I want you to honor and respect your capacity with this one. If your bandwidth is limited, start small. Identify something reasonable you can do on a daily basis. This might be waking up at the same time, setting aside 10 minutes to write, or making your to-do list at the start of each day. Any consistent and calming activity can help.

For those who weren’t directly impacted, it might feel odd to go back to your regularly scheduled agenda when other peoples’ lives are so disrupted. But remember this: We can only be of service to others after we tend to ourselves.

Get creative. 

Holding on to your sense of self and the stuff that brings you joy can feel daunting right now, but it’s a powerful tool for coping. That’s because creativity offers an outlet for expressing and processing your emotions. Whether it’s an art project, dancing, creative writing, or just doodling on a napkin, creativity can externalize our internal state, which can reduce stress. Los Angelenos know the power of collective creativity! 

Help others. 

If you’ve been directly impacted by the wildfires, volunteering can give you a sense of control, purpose, and connection during an overwhelming time. However, it’s important to check in with yourself and volunteer when you’re emotionally and physically ready. If you notice that volunteering is leading to burnout or feels triggering, then honor your personal limitations and focus on self-care. 

In my experience, being part of a collective recovery effort with like-minded people creates opportunities to share your experience within a supportive environment. 

If you’re on the outside looking in on this tragic event, you might feel anxious, depressed, or sad (all of which are rightful to experience). To interrupt those states, without bypassing your emotions, taking action can be super helpful for those who have the bandwidth.

For example, when I volunteered at the Santa Anita Racetrack, I met another volunteer, a Palisades resident, whose experience was similar to mine. While her place remained safe, she felt the pain for her neighbors who couldn’t say the same. The opportunity to speak with her was an outlet that I didn’t know I needed. You might need something like that too.

Advocate for change.

What kind of clinical social worker would I be if I didn’t talk about healing from a macro perspective? I believe that it is our social responsibility to care for one another. We heal in community. That’s why coping with the anxiety, grief, and trauma of these fires can also include advocating for changes that prevent future generations from suffering the same experiences. 

There are many approaches for addressing the structural and systemic issues contributing to these disasters: Advocating for equitable rebuilding efforts, collaborating with local organizations to build community care, and pushing for policies that address climate change.

The post How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.30.24

What Is the Gray Rock Method?

It’s you, but much more boring. ByAnna Borges

You’ve probably been there before—stuck in a conversation you never wanted to have with someone who just won’t let up. Maybe it’s your manipulative coworker stirring the pot of office drama. Maybe it’s your gaslighting ex trying to convince you that you’re a horrible parent. Or maybe it’s a narcissistic family member whose arrogant rants make you feel about one inch tall. Whatever the situation, you might feel the urge to defend yourself, explain your side, or defuse their emotions—all extremely human reactions. But what if your strategy was to do…none of that? 

Enter the gray rock method, a simple but apparently powerful way to disengage from someone without fanning the flames of conflict. Whether you first heard it scrolling through TikTok, in a recent episode of Vanderpump Rules, or just now in this article, the gray rock (or grey rock) method is actually a therapist-approved tip—in certain situations, at least. 

What is the gray rock method? 

It’s pretty much what it sounds like—you become an unresponsive, disengaged, boring ol’ blob. “When you’re gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. “You’re not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. You’re not ignoring the other person, but you’re not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.”

Many attribute the term to an anonymous essay about dealing with narcissists that appeared on the website LoveFraud back in 2012. While it’s not exactly a therapeutic technique, the mental health professionals we spoke with do recognize it as a potentially effective way to navigate toxic interactions that you can’t just walk away from (like when you have to work or co-parent or spend holidays with this person). According to Dr. Kelley, you can use it in low-stakes situations—like cutting off your gossipy coworker’s watercooler chat supply—but she says it’s usually employed as a tool against “toxic or manipulative people who thrive on attention and disrespect healthy boundaries,” including narcissists and other emotional abusers.  

If the gray rock imagery doesn’t do it for you, think of it this way: “It’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” says Vanessa M. Reiser, LCSW, therapist and author of Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People. “The narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. If you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.”

Notably, the gray rock method isn’t anyone’s top choice for handling a toxic or abusive dynamic. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to deal with this person at all—but experts acknowledge that leaving is not always possible. “It’s not so simple to say, ‘I’m going no contact with you’ if you’re co-parenting a child or sitting next to each other at the office,” Reiser says.  

So if, for whatever reason, you can’t or aren’t ready to cut this person out of your life, the gray rock method might help you manage interactions with less emotional fallout and avoid fueling further conflict. “It’s a strategy of harm reduction,” says Reiser. 

How do you use the gray rock method? 

According to Dr. Kelley, “you want to give someone as little ammunition as possible.” Leave feelings out of it, stick to the facts, and keep the goal of any given interaction in mind, whether it’s nailing down co-parenting logistics with a manipulative ex or defusing personal attacks from an abusive parent. As you might imagine, the specifics depend on your relationship dynamic and the other person’s tactics. 

Regardless of the scenario, here are some other dos and don’ts to keep in mind: 

Do text or email if possible. 

When it comes to gray rocking your way through a toxic interaction, it might be easier to do if you aren’t face-to-face. Both Dr. Kelley and Reiser emphasized that it’s tougher to hold your boundaries and keep your cool IRL. In writing, you can be deliberate and measured, avoiding the risk of being caught off-guard or attacked in the moment. “You’re not there to receive their venom,” Dr. Kelley says. If you do have to communicate face-to-face, Reiser recommends practicing keeping your tone and expression neutral, and having a plan for self-care or co-regulation after the encounter.

Don’t take the bait. 

“They’re going to poke and prod and try to get a rise out of you however they can,” says Reiser. “They might exploit things you’re sensitive and vulnerable about to get a reaction.” While it can be tempting to defend yourself or strike back, try to recognize when they’re baiting you and get in the habit of pausing before you reply. If you can, do a quick grounding exercise or take a physical break from the conversion—whatever you need to limit the emotional reactivity that they want. 

Do write scripts. 

Keep a few benign statements on repeat that will be easy to remember and boring to hear. For example, if you’re gray rocking a gaslighter who frequently calls your memory into question, try a flat “I don’t see it that way” or “we recall that differently.” For someone who often derails your conversation or flips things on you, get in the habit of saying, “Let’s get back to discussing X.” Whatever’s applicable to your situation, write a few lines and keep them on rotation. 

Don’t over-explain. 

Using the gray rock method can feel counterintuitive, especially when you want to defend yourself or explain your side, but it’s crucial to stick to short, neutral responses. “Someone who’s abusive or manipulative speaks a different emotional language than you,” Dr. Kelley says. “They’re not capable of or interested in seeing things from your point of view, so when you try to defend yourself or explain, you’ll usually walk away feeling a whole lot worse.” 

Do expect some pushback at first. 

If someone disrespects your boundaries enough to need gray rocking, chances are they won’t like being gray rocked—and they’ll likely push back. You may notice an initial increase in their attempts to provoke you, Dr. Kelley warns, so be prepared for this and stay consistent with your neutral responses. 

Don’t forget that other tools are available. 

Gray rocking is just one strategy in a larger toolkit for managing toxic relationships. While it’s effective in limiting emotional engagement, it’s not always the best or only option. Depending on the situation, setting stronger boundaries, seeking external support, or even cutting contact entirely may be more appropriate. 

“If you can remove yourself from the situation safely, that’s always the best course of action,” Reiser says. But short of that, combining gray rocking with these other strategies can help you manage day-to-day interactions and protect your energy in the long term.

The post What Is the Gray Rock Method? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.30.24

How to Deal With Losing a Parent

According to therapists who specialize in grief and know what it’s like. BySam Brodsky

Losing anyone you care about is hard to grapple with, but losing a parent is a uniquely difficult—and often life-altering—experience. For many of us, our parents shaped us and how we view the world in hugely impactful ways, says licensed psychologist Mekel Harris, PhD, CAGCS, author of Relaxing Into the Pain: My Journey Into Grief & Beyond. You might also be losing someone you relied on for advice, safety, and (at one point or another) financial support, which can feel lonely, scary, and destabilizing, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. 

Even if you didn’t have the greatest relationship with them, losing a parent can hurt like hell. You might feel angry, sad, and a ton of regret that you weren’t able to fix things before they died, says Dr. Harris. And, depending on the situation, you might even be a bit relieved, especially if your parent was suffering or if you experienced caregiver burnout from supporting them, Dr. Harris notes. 

But, overwhelmingly, you’re likely experiencing grief. And that’s some heavy stuff to work through. If you’re dealing with this type of loss, here are therapist-backed tips to move through your grief, give yourself grace, and feel connected (if you want to) after your parent has passed away. 

Really let yourself feel the grief.

You might feel like you need to rush through your emotions or avoid them altogether, says Dr. Harris. Aside from the stigma associated with grief in our society, we basically live in a “Band-Aid, quick fix world,” where we want to get rid of any sort of pain, she explains. But that’s not how grief works.  

Rather than bypassing your grief, acknowledging it and expressing whatever emotions come along for the ride will help you move through it, Dr. Harris notes. To do this, lean into what seems best for you. You can talk about your feelings with friends, a support group, or a mental health professional, Dr. Harris suggests. You can also look for ways to externalize what you’re feeling by journaling, making art, or channeling it through movement (walking, Pilates, yoga…whatever), she says.

Look for ways to keep your connection with them. 

Being able to honor your parent who passed, or continue your relationship with them in some way, can help mitigate the pain and help with healing, says Hatch. “It provides an opportunity for the person who has survived to remain connected in a living and breathing way,” Dr. Harris agrees. “If their name is never brought up, it’s almost as if they never lived. So talking about the person, doing things to celebrate them [even] years beyond the loss, can keep their spirit alive.”

For Dr. Harris, this looks like ordering food from her late mom’s favorite restaurant on her birthday and getting together with family on the anniversary of her dad’s death. But the experts say you can foster this connection outside of major events too. On a random Tuesday, you can write to them (whether that’s with life updates or expressing what you wish you could say), read their go-to books, visit their grave, wear their clothes, listen to music they liked, continue a hobby they enjoyed, or go on a walk with a picture of them in your pocket. Dr. Harris will even record voice memos for her parents when she wants to tell them something, for example. 

Tap into something that gives you perspective.

This isn’t about ignoring your grief. Doing things that remind you of life outside of your pain can give you some hope that there is a world beyond it. For Dr. Harris, that meant talking to a higher power and praying—but it doesn’t have to be religious if that’s not what you’re into. Just connecting with nature, which cycles through things in a very visible way, can help you see that you  can cycle through seasons and feelings too, she says. 

“When my mom died, prayer was something that I really dove into as a connection point to her and God, but I also picked up gardening, which I had never done. … I was helping plant seeds to grow life, and it was very symbolic that life could continue beyond a loss,” Dr. Harris explains. 

If nature isn’t your thing, perspective may come in the form of helping others when you’re ready. For Dr. Harris, providing therapy for grieving people has been a consistent act of service, though you don’t have to make a massive career change or anything. You can always donate to organizations that your parent cared about or volunteer in your community, she says. 

Give yourself grace.

It’s easy to judge yourself if you feel like your pain is lasting too long or you’re not grieving the way other people seem to be. But everybody grieves differently—there is no right or wrong way to do so when a parent (or anyone else) dies. This is an especially helpful reminder if you had a weird or nonexistent relationship with your parent—don’t shame yourself for having conflicting feelings about their death, notes Dr. Harris. 

Instead of judging, just notice the emotions that come up and how they feel in your mind and your body, says Hatch. Then, like we talked about earlier, let yourself move through those emotions in whatever way makes sense to you. It’s a good practice in self-compassion, she says.

When Hatch’s dad died, giving herself grace meant mourning privately instead of publicly like some of her siblings. “We all had very different relationships with my dad, and so that is why we grieved in different ways and why we continue to do so,” she explains. “Instead of feeling badly about that or judging … I’ve just given myself a lot of space to do it differently.” 

And remember that grief isn’t linear and it’s normal for it to come in waves, says Hatch. But you may not be able to see some of these waves approaching. For the situations you can’t  plan for—a sign that reminds you of your mom, a song that brings back memories of your dad—let your emotions flow, says Dr. Harris. For her, seeing the laundry detergent that her mom used during a Costco trip triggered a ton of tears. “[If that happens to you,] allow yourself to emote or experience whatever is rising up, knowing that nothing’s wrong with you,” Dr. Harris says.

“Allowing those tears to fall in Costco in front of strangers was actually one of the best things I could do.”

The post How to Deal With Losing a Parent appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.23.24

3 Gaslighting Examples That Will Make You Say, “Ohh, I Get It Now!”

The intention to make you question everything is key. ByAnna Borges

I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard someone say, “Ugh, they’re totally gaslighting me” over the past few years. Many of us are guilty of throwing around self-proclaimed gaslighting examples that may not actually fit the bill in the eyes of experts. But, in our defense, gaslighting has become so ingrained in our cultural lexicon that Merriam-Webster named it the word of the year in 2022.

While growing awareness of any abusive tactic is a good thing, the term’s surge in popularity also kinda made it a catch-all for describing toxic behavior, says Robin Stern, PhD, licensed psychoanalyst and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. From your bestie ranting about her ex over drinks to the explosive cast reunion of your favorite reality show, people started tossing around “gaslighting” to mean everything from lying and misleading to being dismissive and rude.

Here’s where it gets confusing: Gaslighting can involve all of the above. But there are a few key features that distinguish gaslighting from other types of emotional abuse or just plain shitty behavior. 

So what is gaslighting?

An important hallmark of gaslighting is the intention behind the behavior. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation meant to confuse, disorient, or change your perspective for the gaslighter’s benefit,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, licensed therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. More specifically, someone might attempt to gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility, shift blame, exert control, change your behavior, cause pain, or any number of self-serving motives, according to Dr. Kelley. If you’re like, Huh? What does that look like? don’t worry, we’ve got some gaslighting examples coming up.  

Gaslighting can happen in all sorts of relationships, whether romantic, platonic, familial, or professional, though Dr. Stern and Dr. Kelley both note that there’s usually a power imbalance at play. It might stem from authority, group dynamics, financial dependency, or even the desire to be liked or accepted. 

Typically, gaslighting is part of a pattern, but it isn’t always. “Gaslighting is a learned behavior and can be a defensive strategy that we use to restabilize ourselves in the moment,” Dr. Stern says, meaning someone might use gaslighting tactics in a single interaction to dodge accountability or manipulate the situation to their advantage. One key to distinguishing between the occasional gaslighty dick move and malicious gaslighting is whether someone can engage in healthy communication when you push back, share your side, or call them out on their behavior. Are they open to your point of view and feelings…or do they double down and keep employing some of the techniques we’re about to highlight?

With all that in mind, let’s get to some gaslighting examples so you can see what we’re talking about in action. 

Example #1: The boss that’s rewriting history.  

Picture this: You’re in a team meeting, and your manager presents an idea you pitched to them privately. When you professionally point out, “Uh, that was my idea,” they look at you like you’ve grown two heads. “What do you mean? I talked about this with Bob ages ago,” they say. At first, you brush it off as a coincidence, but it keeps happening. Your manager continues hoarding credit or negating your contributions with lines like, “I don’t remember that. Are you sure you didn’t share it with someone else?” or “We probably both came up with it separately. Great minds think alike!” Eventually, you start second-guessing yourself. Did I actually bring that up? Was that really my idea?

Gaslighting red flags: Your manager is either consistently forgetting your ideas (unlikely) or trying to get you to believe their version of events (or at least shut down yours). “Taking credit alone isn’t gaslighting, but if they deny it, rewrite history, or accuse you of misremembering—that’s classic gaslighting,” says Dr. Kelley.

When it’s not gaslighting: If your boss offers other lies or excuses like “Sorry, I forgot to credit you” or “It doesn’t matter who had the idea first, we’re a team.” That’s dismissive or poor management, but it’s less likely to be gaslighting since they aren’t challenging the fact that you previously shared this idea with them. 

Example #2: The parent who makes you question your version of events.  

Picture this: Let’s say you bring up a hurtful childhood memory with a parent or caregiver, like a time they yelled at you in front of your friends or scoffed at a challenge you were facing at school. Instead of acknowledging it, they say something like, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad—you were always so sensitive,” or “How can you possibly think I would do that? I only ever tried to help.” You try to get them to see your POV, but over time, their insistence makes you wonder if you really did make a big deal out of nothing.

Gaslighting red flags: Hello, bringing into question your own perception of reality. “The minimizing of overall emotions is a common tactic to make someone question their experience,” says Dr. Kelley. “When the parent or caregiver doubles down on their version of events enough, an adult child might start to question, Was it really that bad?” 

When it’s not gaslighting: It may not fit the description of gaslighting if they’re simply refusing to take responsibility or engage with your emotions by saying things like, “There’s no reason to dwell on the past” or “I did the best I could—you’ll understand when you’re a parent.” Crappy, but not the same as trying to poke holes in your memory. 

Example #3: The partner who makes you believe you’re the problem.  

Picture this: You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s behavior—maybe they’ve been busier than usual or stopped texting as frequently. When you bring it up with them to see what’s up, they turn it back around on you. They might say something like, “Why are you monitoring me like that?” or “It’s not that big of a deal. You’re so clingy.” This always seems to happen—you try to discuss their actions and somehow wind up defending yourself. 

Gaslighting red flags: “The deflection of responsibility is a gold star tactic,” Dr. Stern says. “It’s characterized by changing the focus of the conversation to pivot and blame you or someone or something else.” Their aim, she says, is to sow seeds of doubt—they may or may not deny your version of events like in some of our other examples, but they are making you question your own reaction and culpability. Are you being too jealous or sensitive? Is their behavior totally fine? Are you the problem? 

On the other hand: Experts wouldn’t call it gaslighting if the person is skirting responsibility or avoiding the issue without also trying to discombobulate you. If their response is more like, “I don’t have time to text,” or “This is just how I am,” you can still call it inconsiderate and flippant but it’s not quite gaslighting. 

The bottom line

Even with the help of examples, it can be really tough to identify gaslighting when you’re on the receiving end of it—after all, the whole goal is to throw off your sense of what’s real. Both experts we spoke to highlighted the importance of gut-checking with the people around you. 

“Seek out someone you trust and who knows you well to say, ‘Hey, I’m really not sure about this constant back and forth with X. It isn’t feeling right. What do you think?’” Dr. Stern suggests.

The post 3 Gaslighting Examples That Will Make You Say, “Ohh, I Get It Now!” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.21.24

Triggered? Here’s How to Deal

911, what’s your emergency? BySam Brodsky

In the year 2024, the internet has had its way with the term triggered. It’s well-traveled territory for mental health TikTok and has been memed to the point of losing all meaning. Alas!

But this term is one mental health pros and the psychological community at large (including the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5-TR) have used to describe people, places, or situations that remind you of traumatic moments you’d rather forget and/or spark all kinds of mental health symptoms.

Whether you were already well-versed in all of that or not, here we asked therapists for more intel on what triggers are and what to do when they arrive.

What are triggers?

Generally speaking, a trigger is a “stimulus that elicits a reaction,” according to the American Psychological Association (APA). Like we said, these can be people, places, things, or situations that set off unhappy memories or emotional responses. 

Sometimes the call is coming from inside the house, meaning those triggers are internal thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations. For example, your heart pounding during a workout could bring you back to a time when you were scared for your life, says trauma psychologist Ayli Carrero Pinedo, PhD. 

Other times, things in your environment—a song, a smell, or the way someone looks—can be external triggers, reminding you of a traumatic event and/or causing an emotional reaction, like anxiety, panic, and depression, says clinical and forensic psychologist Dawn Hughes, PhD. Same goes for holidays or anniversaries, adds Dr. Carrero Pinedo.

Whether the trigger’s within you or around you, sometimes you can’t identify it in the moment, says Dr. Hughes. All you know is that you feel out of control.  

When we’re triggered, we feel intense and overwhelming emotions, memories, or physical feelings or we react impulsively, says clinical psychologist Abigail Percifield, PsyD. Though you might name-drop it casually with something like, “This botched salad order is triggering my trust issues,” that’s not quite right. “I see the term triggered being misused to describe when somebody is feeling bothered or uncomfortable,” Dr. Carrero Pinedo explains. But if you don’t feel overwhelmingly bad or out of control, it’s not the same as being triggered, she adds. 

That said, pretty much anyone can be triggered. You don’t need to experience trauma or have a mental health condition to be set off by something inside of or around you. Your neighbors loudly fighting can make you feel overwhelmingly anxious for no apparent reason. The weeks leading up to Father’s Day could make you feel depressed. A scene in a book could flood you with memories that make it hard to concentrate.

Still, if you have a mental health condition or survived something traumatic, you might be more likely to face triggers, says Dr. Percifield. For instance, someone dealing with a substance use disorder might feel triggered at a stressful family reunion and crave a drink, she says. Someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might be triggered by an intrusive thought about germs in their apartment and feel the uncontrollable need to wash their hands, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. And people with post-traumatic stress disorder could feel triggered when something reminds them of a traumatic moment, says Dr. Hughes.

How to deal when you’re triggered.

No matter your situation, here’s what to do when those triggers infiltrate your life so you can feel better and move on faster. 

1. Acknowledge that your feelings aren’t facts.

When you’re triggered, you can feel like you’re in danger just sitting in your living room. Triggers are fun like that. So telling yourself that you’re being triggered but you’re still safe can disarm whatever’s freaking you out, says Dr. Hughes. 

You’re basically telling the panicked part of yourself that things are actually OK; you’re just going through a tough moment right now, and it will pass soon. That might even help those feelings resolve. You’re also gaining a sense of control when you feel very out of  control. 

2. Ground yourself. 

Once you’ve consciously established that the situation you’re in isn’t as dire as it feels, you can start to turn your attention to the present moment. “When you’re focusing on something else besides the trigger, you’re decreasing the initial overwhelming response that you had,” Dr. Carrero Pinedo explains. That reinforces the idea that you’re gonna be fine, even if you’re panicked (or whatever you’re feeling) right now.

To get more present amidst a freakout, turn to anything that feels soothing. You could quietly repeat, “I am safe,” to yourself; name the current day of the week or year; or put on some hand cream that smells good, suggests Dr. Hughes.  

There’s also the trusty 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Mindfulness exercises like this put the spotlight on your senses, which helps you shift out of your head, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

3. Move around. 

If you find that being triggered makes you feel physically frozen or stuck, doing the opposite can remind you that it’s safe, says Dr. Hughes. By rebelling against what your triggered brain wants, you might be able to shake off that response. You’re sending the message that you’re in control; your fears are not.

It could be as simple as wiggling your toes and fingers or walking to the bathroom, Dr. Hughes says. Do whatever feels easiest and build from there to snap out of it. 

4. Detach from your thoughts.

Sometimes when you’re triggered, you get stuck in your thoughts, says Dr. Percifield. You might catastrophize about all the things that could go wrong in the future or get caught up in a traumatic memory. 

When that happens, the first step is to ask yourself, “Are these thoughts telling me anything useful or important right now?” says Dr. Percifield. The answer is often no. That little step starts to create some distance between you and the mental chatter that’s upsetting you. That takes the power away from those ideas, making you feel less bothered by them.

Of course, that’s not the only way to get some space from the stuff bubbling up in your head. Here are some other strategies that can help you detach from your unhelpful thoughts, according Dr. Percifield:

• Imagine your thoughts passing by as leaves on a stream, words on a news screen, drifting clouds, or floats in a parade 
• Describe the thought, like, “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough”
• Sing your internal dialogue
• Write the ideas on paper and re-read them as an objective outsider
• Visualize putting your thoughts into a container

A quick aside: If you’re finding it hard to separate yourself from your thoughts like this, it might just mean you’re too overwhelmed and grounding techniques (like some of the ones above) might work better in the moment, Dr. Percifield notes.

5. Hold yourself accountable. 

Because being triggered is overwhelming (and we’re only human), we can react in ways that we might regret later. Maybe you snap at your coworker, throw your phone across the room, or make a scene at Starbucks. That can lead to feeling ashamed, which sets off a cycle of more negative emotions, says Dr. Percifield. And that’s not ideal when you’re already feeling a lot of uncomfortable stuff.

But, if you take accountability for what you did when you were triggered, you might be able to move forward faster and use new coping skills down the line. “It also fosters a sense of personal agency, acknowledging that, even when we’re triggered, we still have the power to make choices about how we respond,” Dr. Percifield explains. 

So, if you acted out, apologize, Dr. Percifield suggests. If you relapse, call someone who’s supporting your sobriety, she adds. Whatever you gotta do to repair the harm done and grow from the experience is fair game, she says.

6. Work with a therapist. 

It might be obvious, but being triggered can impact how you function in your daily life. Maybe you can’t concentrate at work, you’re sleeping like shit, your reactions are harmful to yourself or others, or your mental health has been tanking for a long time. Any of that can really mess with your day-to-day. If you can relate, that’s a sign you’d benefit from working with a mental health professional, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

There are lots of different ways a therapist can help you manage your symptoms and develop coping skills to get by when stuff goes down, but that will depend on what you’re dealing with. 

For example, if you have OCD, exposure and response prevention (a kind of exposure therapy) triggers your compulsions with the guidance of a mental health pro. Then, they’ll help you find new ways to manage those urges, explains Dr. Carrero Pinedo. This can help you slowly get used to your triggers and respond differently. 

If you’re experiencing triggers related to something traumatic, trauma therapy, like EMDR or narrative therapy, might be useful, says Dr. Hughes. These modalities can heal your trauma, ultimately eliminating triggers over time, notes Dr. Percifield. 

At the end of the day, “you are worthy of a nervous system that is calm and that is going to allow you to thrive,” assures Dr. Carrero Pinedo.

The post Triggered? Here’s How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.23.24

What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself

You probably aren’t a garbage human! BySam Brodsky

If you often find yourself thinking, Ugh, I hate myself, when shit goes wrong, then you get it. 

Self-hatred is a tough mental state to exist in. Oftentimes, it shows up as an intense inner dislike, feelings of shame, negative thoughts (I hate myself  or I’m not good enough), low self-worth, and isolation, says therapist Emily Myhre, LCSW. And for some people, that self-hate mindset can be hard to shake, Myhre explains.  

While lots of circumstances can lead to self-hatred (also called self-loathing), people who hate themselves generally believe that something is wrong with them, says therapist Allyson Sproul, LCSW, CAADC. 

Sometimes that belief stems from adversity we faced growing up (see: bullying, harsh parenting, racism, etc.), Sproul says. When we can’t explain why bad things or traumas happened to us, we often blame ourselves. That can feed into self-loathing too, Myhre says. As we get older, if we feel like we’re not living up to a certain standard, we can feel bad about who we are. Over time, those thoughts and feelings can lead to self-hatred, Sproul explains. 

Regardless of your upbringing or past experiences, self-hatred can be more common in those dealing with mental health concerns like depression, addiction, or body dysmorphia, says Sproul. 

However you got here, being stuck in this cycle can feel pretty hopeless, but you can work toward a healthier sense of self over time by addressing the symptoms that fuel self-loathing. That progress won’t be quick, since you’re likely undoing decades of negative thought patterns, says Myhre. Still, every small step will get you closer to where you want to be and further from where you are now. Below, therapists explain exactly how to do that. 

1. Find the origins of your negative self-talk. 

Finding out where your self-hatred comes from can help you actually do something about it. Myhre suggests getting to the root cause by asking yourself: When I talk down to myself, whose voice does it sound like? Is it my parents’ or random trolls’ online? Is it a new voice or an old voice?  When you know where that voice is coming from, it gets a little easier to counteract it.

2. Reframe your thoughts.

Like we said, negative thoughts about ourselves stoke self-hatred. So, by trying to make these thoughts more neutral, we can lower the volume on the hate, says Sproul. Take an idea like, I can’t do anything right. You can reframe it as something like, I’m human, and not everything I do is perfect. It’s not super positive, but it’s a more realistic take on whatever went wrong. Ditto for tweaking, Why does everyone hate me? to something more realistic like, I’m not for everyone, just like not everyone is for me. You’ll probably find that neutrality is easier for a self-hating brain to believe than a positive affirmation like, I’m the best!!!!, says Myhre. It’s not as big of a jump.

You can also try editing your rude self-talk to be less blame-y, suggests Sproul. So that might look like, That didn’t go well, instead of, That didn’t go well because I’m an idiot. Again, that reframe isn’t optimistic, but it also doesn’t belittle you for existing. Baby steps.

3. Put your thoughts on trial.   

Another way to lessen the impact of self-deprecating thoughts is to challenge them. A lot of the time our negative internal dialogue is irrational, meaning there’s no actual evidence to support the rude things we’re saying. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop us from believing them anyway, says Myhre. However, when you make an effort to disprove those thoughts, it’s easier to see them as distorted and untrue.

Say you’re thinking, I fail no matter what I do. Ask yourself if that’s definitely the case. Was there ever a time you didn’t  fail, even if you weren’t totally successful? If nothing comes to mind, ask people you trust for their perspective, suggests Myhre. You can text them something like, “I’m in a bad headspace and thinking all I do is fail. Heeelp! Do you remember a time when I actually didn’t fuck up?” Spoiler: They do.

4. Practice gratitude.

By making an effort to notice what you’re grateful for, you’re training your brain to think more positively. And the more you practice finding the good in what’s around you, the easier it is to identify goodness in yourself, Myhre explains. (Also, it helps that gratitude is shown to boost your overall mood, she adds.) 

So, set a reminder to think about a few things you’re grateful for (even if it’s your halfway-decent cup of coffee), Myhre says. Keep doing that until it becomes easier for you to notice nice things unprompted. That’ll help you start to recognize the positive things about yourself.

5. Consider what’s actually in your control.

When you’re in a self-hate cycle, blaming yourself for everything can become a habit—even if you did nothing wrong, notes Myhre. So when you’re in the thick of that, try to objectively analyze the entire story or problem and see how much is really your fault. 

The next time you start to beat yourself up for your boss’s passive-aggressive comment—because you suck, so obviously  you did something wrong—try this out: Open a Google doc or use a pen and paper to write the story from beginning to end. Then, review it and get really skeptical about how much you contributed to the problem. Don’t be surprised if you find that you’re not  the only one to blame, Myhre says. 

6. Tap into your confidence.

As we’ve said, when you hate yourself, you think negatively about You. But doing something you’re good at helps you switch into a more positive frame of mind (without having to be all “I love myself” in the mirror). You feel confident, in control, and maybe even a little happy, Sproul says. 

To get out of self-hate mode, break out a puzzle you know you’ll crush, cook a recipe you always nail, or make a playlist your friend will love. Whatever activity feels like an easy target is fair game.

7. Own up to your mistakes.

Guilt is definitely appropriate when you’ve effed up, but self-hatred can make you hold onto that feeling and ruminate about being a horrible person. In that case, forgiving yourself and making amends can help you release the shame a bit, says Myhre. That’s because owning up to your mistakes proves that you’re worthy of forgiveness and you can learn from your mistakes. “Self-hatred hates that because it wants to keep you [feeling horrible],” Myhre says.

Of course, forgiving yourself isn’t easy when you feel like an awful person. So try some self-compassion by reminding yourself that humans make mistakes, says Myhre. You can also ask yourself, If someone else did the exact thing I did, would I treat them this way?  (Probably not.) Then, say or text an apology to whomever needs to hear it and commit to showing  them you’re sorry by changing how you act, Myhre adds.

8. Examine your coping skills.

Sometimes people dealing with self-hate turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like self-harm, overspending, or substance use) as a form of punishment or because those things feel good in the moment, Myhre and Sproul say. Unfortunately, those behaviors usually cause more shame, which leads to more  self-hatred, they note. Finding positive ways to cope (like going for a walk, taking a soothing shower, talking to someone, or letting yourself feel your feelings) can break that cycle. If you’re having a hard time shifting your coping skills on your own, a therapist can help you figure out why and can support you as you make changes, says Sproul.

9. Seek help.

Depending on what your self-hatred stems from, you might want to look for a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy, body image issues, substance use, or family and relationships. Once you land on a therapist, they can “help you understand how you’re thinking, how you’re behaving, and the impact that has on your life,” says Myhre. “There’s nothing you can’t say to us, truthfully, that we haven’t heard, or, even if we haven’t heard it, we’re never going to judge you for it.”

The post What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 06.28.24

Do I Need Trauma Therapy?

Let’s get healed. BySam Brodsky

If you recently heard about trauma therapy, that makes sense. Over the last few years, for better or for worse, your friends, your fam, and the internet at large have become a lot more acquainted with trauma and how to heal it.

Trauma is any disturbing event that scares you, makes you feel helpless, leaves you confused, or stirs up other hard emotions that are so intense that they negatively impact your “attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning” going forward, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). 

Whether you grew up in an unsafe environment, witnessed a tragic accident, survived one, or experienced something else traumatic, circumstances like these can scare the shit out of us and shift how we feel and function in everyday life. 

But the effects of trauma are as wide-ranging as the things that can traumatize us. On the more intense end of the trauma symptom spectrum, some can have flashbacks, avoid specific people and places, or experience depression, says clinical and forensic psychologist Demara Bennett, PsyD, who specializes in trauma. Some might also develop a trauma- and stressor-related disorder, like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), she says. 

If you can relate (or know someone who can) and you’re interested in learning more about how to treat those symptoms with trauma therapy, we got you. Below, we spoke to mental health pros about what trauma therapy is, how it works, and how to find someone to help you work through your struggles. 

What is trauma therapy? 

Turns out, there’s no official authority that regulates what trauma therapy is, how it’s defined, and who gets to practice it. That makes this question a little tricky to answer. But, on a basic level, trauma therapy is therapy that’s meant to help you heal from thoughts and feelings caused by trauma, says Dr. Bennett. 

Yes, any therapist can help you manage mental health struggles stemming from past events or traumas. But a trauma therapist is a mental health professional who specializes in treating trauma- and stressor-related disorders as well as debilitating symptoms of trauma, says clinical psychologist Jessica Punzo, PsyD, president-elect of the APA’s trauma psychology division.

Even though trauma therapists aren’t regulated, they typically seek extra training, like internships and certification programs, to learn how to treat those conditions and challenges, says Dr. Punzo. That makes them better equipped to work with clients whose trauma symptoms are dramatically interfering with their lives. 

The therapeutic modalities used in trauma therapy are ones that’ve been shown to improve severe symptoms of trauma or were developed to do so (even if there’s not quite enough evidence yet to prove they work). 

Honestly, there are a lot of types of trauma therapy out there, including eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and prolonged exposure, and your trauma therapist will help you figure out which seems most suited for you, says clinical psychologist Abigail Percifield, PsyD, vice president of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. 

How long trauma therapy takes to work depends on many factors, but it could be as little as six weeks, says Dr. Bennett. Of course, sometimes people need years of treatment, especially if they have the type of long-lasting trauma that usually happens in childhood, aka complex PTSD (C-PTSD), says Dr. Percifield. 

How to know if trauma therapy is right for you 

If you’ve been dealing with severe trauma symptoms, you’d definitely benefit from finding a trauma therapist. And that’s true even if you’re not sure what brought them on in the first place, says Dr. Punzo. “Trauma is subjective,” she explains. “Therapists are not detectives; they’re not here to prove that you had a traumatic experience.” Instead, they’re here to help you deal with the aftermath in a way that feels safe and holds space for whatever you went through.

If you’re in therapy already, you might be wondering if it’s worth finding a trauma  therapist to address your symptoms. Ultimately, it’s up to you. If you feel like your therapist is helping you cope with whatever you’ve been through, that’s great! If you’re looking for more trauma-focused treatment from someone with experience treating severe trauma symptoms, it could be worth making the switch. That said, if your therapist suspects you’d benefit from services they can’t provide, it’s best practice for them to refer you to someone who can help, notes trauma psychologist Ayli Carrero Pinedo, PhD. So maybe ask them what they think. 

Types of trauma therapy

Like we said, there are lots of different approaches to treating trauma. Some of them have scientific evidence backing up their trauma-healing efficacy, and others don’t. While there’s some debate about the best standard of treatment for severe trauma, below we explain a few trauma therapies mental health pros generally agree are most helpful. 

Prolonged exposure (PE)

This is a kind of exposure therapy where you gradually face the fears associated with your trauma. PE teaches you that these memories and situations aren’t actually dangerous, according to the APA.  

With your therapist, you’ll describe the trauma as if it’s happening in present tense and record yourself, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. Replaying this outside of the sessions (homework!) enables you to confront and process emotions that you may have been avoiding, she says. 

You’ll also gradually put yourself in real-life situations that trigger your fear associated with the trauma. For example, if crowds really scare you, you might go to the grocery store and just park outside. The next time, you might go to the door and, the time after that, walk in one aisle, Dr. Carrero Pinedo notes. (You get the point!)

Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)

CPT helps you challenge unhelpful beliefs that stem from your trauma, according to the APA. Some of those beliefs might sound like, “I was weak,” or, “I should have done something differently,” or, “If I open up to people, I’ll get hurt.” Whether you’re aware of it or not, these mindsets can keep you stuck, says Dr. Bennett. Over a series of sessions, your therapist can help shift your perspective by prompting you for evidence for or against these thoughts and eventually help you modify your own beliefs around the traumatic event, explains Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

During an EMDR session, a therapist asks you questions about a traumatic memory while you follow their finger or something else from left to right with your eyes, says Dr. Percifield. Other times a therapist may have you hold a device that vibrates in one hand and then the other, or listen to a sound playing in one ear and then the other with headphones, while asking you questions, she explains. These alternating sensations, sounds, or visuals are examples of bilateral stimulation, which may help make your traumatic memories less vivid and emotional, according to the APA.

It’s not 100% clear why EMDR works, but one theory suggests that doing two things at once—the eye movement or other sensory activity, plus recalling the traumatic memory—disrupts your working memory, and this helps make what you’re remembering less emotional and vivid, according to a systematic review. Paying attention to these two things at once also somehow allows you to access more adaptive information about your environment and yourself—aka info you’ve learned from non-traumatic experiences, like looking at situations realistically, Dr. Percifield explains.

FYI, EMDR can potentially stir up traumatic memories you didn’t know you had, so experiencing them in therapy can feel like a lot, Dr. Percifield says. Maybe that’s not something you’re ready for. But EMDR can be a good option for people who don’t want to do in-person exposures or don’t have time for homework.

Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT)

This one is typically utilized by trauma therapists treating kids and adolescents and their parents or caregivers. It involves exposure work and learning coping skills for dealing with the effects of trauma, per the APA. 

The child would also create what Dr. Bennett calls a trauma narrative, where they’d think about the trauma and write about it, paint it, or express it in other ways. “It’s not just a retelling; it’s your opportunity to have more power over the experience,” she says. 

Narrative therapy

This kind of therapy is meant to rewrite your life story with “true but more life-enhancing narratives or stories,” per the APA. The theory is that by deconstructing the events of your life, including your trauma and the problems it’s caused, you can put it back together in a more helpful way.

This could be especially helpful when dealing with intergenerational trauma, or racial trauma, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. “It can really emphasize the resistance of your ancestors, the strength of their survival, and the wisdom that they have carried throughout the years, rather than just focusing solely on the trauma experienced,” she explains. 

FWIW, if you suspect you have intergenerational trauma, consider researching traditional healing practices from your cultural or community background, says Dr. Percifield. “[Trauma treatment] doesn’t always have to be [from] a Western lens; we can have music and movement and dance. All those things are also ways of healing,” adds Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

How to find a trauma therapist

Ultimately, a person who calls themself a trauma therapist should have the training to back it up, which might look like certifications in some of the trauma therapies we talked about above. There’s no one certification that a trauma therapist needs  to get in order to call themself a specialist in trauma, says Dr. Punzo. And even mental health pros without certifications can have training from reputable trauma orgs and years and years of experience treating trauma, so it’s best to look at a therapist’s full skillset and background, notes Dr. Percifield. You can also check out these directories to up your chances of finding a therapist who specializes and is trained in trauma therapy:

• International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation
• EMDR International Association 
• Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy National Therapist Certification Program
• Cognitive Processing Therapy For PTSD  
• International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

Once you find someone, hop on the phone or email them to ask what treatments they’re certified in and the kinds of clients they see (they should say that most of their clients are dealing with severe trauma symptoms, complex PTSD, or trauma- and stressor-related disorders).

As you get started with a trauma therapist, check in to ask yourself  how you feel during your sessions, suggests Dr. Percifield. Is this type of therapy meeting your needs? Does it feel right for you? Do you feel like you can communicate with your therapist? If so, that’s great! If not, maybe keep looking.

Heads up: It might not feel amazing from the get-go. Being nervous about delving into everything  is totally valid, says Dr. Bennett. After all, we tend to avoid things that are emotionally distressing, she notes, and trauma is one of them.

The post Do I Need Trauma Therapy? appeared first on Wondermind.