Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.21.25

How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires?

“No one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left.” ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

The air in Los Angeles is heavy, both literally and figuratively. The Palisades, Eaton Canyon, and Hurst wildfires burned thousands of acres. That includes homes, small businesses, and wildlife habitats. In an instant, thousands of people lost what took years or even generations to build. The Los Angeles wildfires also stripped away our sense of security, leaving all of us fearful of the future. 

As a Los Angeles resident, I’m anxiously waiting for my cue to evacuate. Living just a few miles from what is now a stretch of ash and debris, I’ve been consumed by messages from loved ones checking in and constantly monitoring evacuation notifications. At this point, the only thing separating me from the fires is the direction of the wind.

As a therapist, I’m surprised that no one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left (there’s no certainty that it will all be there when you return). They also don’t talk about how, even if you’re physically safe, you’re constantly checking for updates on the damage.

At the time of this writing, the fires aren’t yet contained and the psychological toll is fresh and ongoing. However, I want everyone to know that it’s not too early to start coping with the grief, trauma, and anxiety caused by the devastation. 

Whether you lost your home, someone you love lost theirs, you’re waiting to hear if you need to leave your neighborhood, or you’re watching in horror from afar, we’re all feeling helpless. And it’s OK if you’re not ready or able to process your emotions around all of this right now. But, if and when you are, here are a few strategies I recommend.

Prioritize your physical needs.

If you’re directly impacted by the fires, there are an endless number of things competing for your attention. Texts from loved ones, spreadsheets of resources, insurance claims, and other logistical tasks that come with navigating the aftermath.

In the midst of it all, it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself, especially your physical needs. But putting those at the top of your list is actually one of the most helpful ways to recover emotionally and materially. You need energy to take on everything coming your way.

So check in with yourself. Have you eaten? Are you hydrated? Can you take a nap if you need one? Tackle those first. 

Mindfully distract yourself.

Witnessing destruction in your neighborhood and hearing stories of loss can trigger symptoms of stress and anxiety, like nightmares, flashbacks, or persistent fear.  

If you’re experiencing this, know that this response is likely your mind and body processing trauma—and you don’t have to wait until the symptoms worsen to seek relief from the emotional toll.

One helpful tool is called mindful distraction. This can help you cultivate calm by distracting yourself for a bit. JFYI, distraction isn’t the same thing as avoidance. It’s a self-soothing technique and signals a sense of calm to your body. 

You can start by inhaling for four counts and exhaling for six to eight counts until you feel a little more grounded. Another option is called safe havening. Gently stroke your arms or face while visualizing a soothing image. It could be anything! No matter which route you go (maybe you use both), it can help relieve those overwhelming feelings. 

Connect with people who get it. 

Going through a traumatic event like this can make you feel incredibly lonely. That’s why seeking out others who directly relate to what you’re experiencing can be incredibly helpful. Of course, you might not be ready to talk about what’s happened yet. It’s OK to take your time and respect your readiness. 

But, when you’re ready, sharing aspects of your experience can help reduce the weight of the pain, lowering the volume of your big feelings. It also helps you understand what you’ve been through as you create a narrative around it. As you get more grounded, you’ll be in a better place to plan next steps. 

At the same time, when speaking to those who’ve lost their homes, evacuated, or have family members who are affected, you’ll feel more understood and supported. Their experiences help validate your experiences. 

If you’re not sure who to turn to, try reaching out to your neighbors, finding support groups, or visiting local relief organizations.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

Lots of people who weren’t directly affected feel like they aren’t allowed to be anxious, sad, or grieve the devastation of this event. Others, especially those who were impacted, often lean into toxic positivity. 

No matter what your situation, we all need space to feel the full range of emotions cycling through our bodies right now. If we don’t allow them to come up, we can experience psychological distress. 

Having a hard time right now? Take some time to check in with your emotions at the beginning of each day. When things feel too heavy, give yourself permission to sit with the anxiety, grief, sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever’s going on.

Write a letter to what you lost.

Being directly impacted by the fires brings loss on many levels: loss of loved ones, possessions, places tied to special memories, and what could have been. Healing begins when we allow our grief to take up space. Start by asking yourself this question, If my grief could talk, what would it say? This can be a powerful way to honor and process your grief and learn more about what matters to us.

Get clear on what you’re grieving. Is it a loved one? A place? A pet? Your photo albums? The furniture handed down by your grandparents? Write a letter to the person, place, or possession, and share your memories and feelings about them. Talk about what they meant to you. 

Even as you begin to rebuild your life, you may notice a longing for what was. When that happens, acknowledge this as a very normal part of the healing process.

Find comfort in a routine.

Cultivating a routine is an underrated tool for navigating trauma. That’s because doing the same things on a regular basis provides a sense of stability—especially when life is unpredictable. Engaging in consistent and calming activities can combat the fight-or-flight response activated by a traumatic event. 

If you were directly impacted, I want you to honor and respect your capacity with this one. If your bandwidth is limited, start small. Identify something reasonable you can do on a daily basis. This might be waking up at the same time, setting aside 10 minutes to write, or making your to-do list at the start of each day. Any consistent and calming activity can help.

For those who weren’t directly impacted, it might feel odd to go back to your regularly scheduled agenda when other peoples’ lives are so disrupted. But remember this: We can only be of service to others after we tend to ourselves.

Get creative. 

Holding on to your sense of self and the stuff that brings you joy can feel daunting right now, but it’s a powerful tool for coping. That’s because creativity offers an outlet for expressing and processing your emotions. Whether it’s an art project, dancing, creative writing, or just doodling on a napkin, creativity can externalize our internal state, which can reduce stress. Los Angelenos know the power of collective creativity! 

Help others. 

If you’ve been directly impacted by the wildfires, volunteering can give you a sense of control, purpose, and connection during an overwhelming time. However, it’s important to check in with yourself and volunteer when you’re emotionally and physically ready. If you notice that volunteering is leading to burnout or feels triggering, then honor your personal limitations and focus on self-care. 

In my experience, being part of a collective recovery effort with like-minded people creates opportunities to share your experience within a supportive environment. 

If you’re on the outside looking in on this tragic event, you might feel anxious, depressed, or sad (all of which are rightful to experience). To interrupt those states, without bypassing your emotions, taking action can be super helpful for those who have the bandwidth.

For example, when I volunteered at the Santa Anita Racetrack, I met another volunteer, a Palisades resident, whose experience was similar to mine. While her place remained safe, she felt the pain for her neighbors who couldn’t say the same. The opportunity to speak with her was an outlet that I didn’t know I needed. You might need something like that too.

Advocate for change.

What kind of clinical social worker would I be if I didn’t talk about healing from a macro perspective? I believe that it is our social responsibility to care for one another. We heal in community. That’s why coping with the anxiety, grief, and trauma of these fires can also include advocating for changes that prevent future generations from suffering the same experiences. 

There are many approaches for addressing the structural and systemic issues contributing to these disasters: Advocating for equitable rebuilding efforts, collaborating with local organizations to build community care, and pushing for policies that address climate change.

The post How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires? appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 11.07.24

23 Ways to Help a Friend Through a Breakup

Encouraging physical violence against pillows is encouraged. BySam Brodsky

My support system made a huge difference after I broke up with a college ex. They reassured me that I was making the right choice (even if I didn’t always feel like it). They let me vent and sent me encouraging texts. For example, a close pal texted: “Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same.” Turns out, they knew just ​​how to help a friend through a breakup.

When we’re navigating the end of a relationship, our friends can help us feel seen, more optimistic about the future, and less alone in the moment, says psychotherapist Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C. 

Some of our people get us out of the house when we’d rather wallow, some support us during those crying sessions, and others hype us up about being single, says therapist Jennifer Klesman, LCSW, author of You Can’t Stay There: Surviving a Breakup One Moment at a Time. But the ways to help a friend through a breakup are kind of endless. 

If you’re not sure what to say or how to comfort a friend after a breakup, the best move is to ask what they need, notes psychotherapist Natasha Camille, LCSW. Maybe it’s obvious, but you’ll be most supportive when you show up in a way you know they’ll appreciate—rather than taking a stab in the dark. 

It’s OK if they’re not sure what they need! Give them options. Offer to cook for them, talk on the phone, or drop their ex’s stuff off, Camille suggests. All of these are helpful ways to comfort somebody till the reach the point of radical acceptance.

If you’re looking for more inspo, we spoke to folks whose buddies knew exactly what to say to someone going through a breakup—and how to be there for them. Here’s how they helped their friends navigate breakups.

1. Provide the good vibes.

“One of the most impactful things a friend did for me during a tough breakup was show up at my apartment with ice cream and Kit Kats and binge-watch all the High School Musical  movies with me. It created a happy memory and gave me a break from thinking about my ex.” —Jessie H., 27

2. Encourage self-compassion. 

“A friend I’ve known since college told me that I should give myself grace for not spotting red flags in my relationship. Thinking you should have known better or been smarter isn’t fair or helpful. Forgiving myself allowed me to release feelings of shame and judgment.” —Piera V., 35

3. Validate them.

“If you’re wondering how to help a friend through a breakup, the best thing someone ever said to me was, ‘Sure, it’ll get better, but right now it just fucking sucks.’ I wasn’t ready to look on the bright side and get over my breakup because it was so fresh, and hearing this made me feel like they actually understood what I was going through. They were in the thick of it with me.” —Kimberly C., 33 

4. Offer a safe space.

“My best friend let me use their guest room whenever it was too hard to be in my own space. I could process away from things that reminded me of my ex. It was the kindest thing in the world.” —Anonymous, 27

5. Be physically present.

“My closest loved ones kept dropping by with zero expectations. They would preface their visit by saying we didn’t have to talk about it or do anything; they just wanted to physically be there with me. Having the company got me out of my head, grounded me in the present, and helped me realize I am not alone.” —Kristin, 43

6. Let them vent.

“They just listened to me over and over and over and validated my feelings of hurt, sadness, and heartbreak.” —Emily Y., 42

7. Hold your judgment.

“I liked it when friends didn’t judge me for my feelings being all over the place. From wanting my ex back to never wanting to speak to him again, it changed by the hour at times, and having someone be patient with me was so helpful. It’s dramatically easier to get through these ups and downs if no one is judging you.” —Jennifer Klesman, LCSW, therapist

8. Tell them it’s OK to want something better. 

“I went through a breakup my junior year of college after I’d just turned 21. My sister told me that choosing who we spend our life with is something we can be completely selfish about. It put things into perspective for me: The relationship wasn’t the best for me or my ex and we deserved to be happy.” —Julia, 32

9. Be open to helping in whatever way they need.

“Different friends took care of different needs. I cried to one of them, and another helped me not  think about the breakup. When that friend told me he was worried because I wasn’t talking about my feelings, I told him he was helping me by not talking about it. He was the person I could focus on something else with. So, basically, I think the best thing your loved ones can do for you during a breakup is to ask what you need from them. It might not be what you expect, but everyone helps in their own ways.” —Andrea A., 25

10. Help them shake bad thoughts. 

“After my breakup happened on New Year’s Eve, I felt like it was entirely my fault and I should’ve changed myself to meet his wants and needs. I was left feeling like I wasn’t enough (see: relationship anxiety). My friends really helped me get unstuck from these negative thoughts. They opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t need to change for anyone.” —Angelo C., 22

11. Give them space to make decisions.

“I was in a toxic relationship for a few years. My best friend was there for me every single day and always made me realize my worth, but eventually, she said, ‘I can’t keep telling you to leave him ’cause you’ll only do that when you’re ready. Until then, I’m here to support you.’ At that moment, I realized I was more than ready to leave, and I left him not even a month later.” —VB, 27

12. Encourage them to get curious about themselves.

“After a string of attempts at dating post-divorce, I was beyond frustrated as I tried to figure this new life out. A good friend told me I had an unfortunate circumstance that put me in an amazing position to learn more about myself. After that conversation, those words defined me. I took a two-year break to find out who I am and what I live for. I learned to love me more and realized that I didn’t have to settle for anything I didn’t want in my life.” —Alicia P., 40

13. Join in on their new hobbies.

“I went through a very difficult breakup 14 years ago when my engagement ended. I didn’t notice the loss as much on weekdays, but I struggled on weekends when I had more free time. So, I decided to do things that would make me feel accomplished. When I started training for a sprint triathlon, my friends and family cheered me on every step of the way and swam, ran, and biked with me. I also trained to do an 18-mile walk for suicide prevention with my sister. We would have huge blisters, but she still did it with me so I wouldn’t be alone.” —Brianna Brunner, LCSW, therapist

14. Never underestimate a good hype session.

“A few years ago, I was feeling really bad about myself after going through a breakup. My amazing friend, who I always go to when I need a pep talk, reminded me how amazing I am. I think a lot of us feel like ending a relationship means we’re left with nothing. But when I remembered my own worth, I realized that I was going to be OK even though I was sad.” —Gina W., 26

15. Continue checking in. 

“When I went through a friendship breakup, the absolute most helpful thing for me was people checking in even months later. This is typically the time that’s most isolating after any breakup because outside people move on. But my friends and family know grief like that doesn’t go away. When they kept offering to talk about it, it made me feel like I wasn’t burdening them.” —Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C, psychotherapist

16. Remind them this won’t suck forever. 

“After a breakup a few years ago, my friend said something like, ‘This too shall pass.’ It sounds like a cliché, but it pulled me out of my self-pity. It made me realize that, although the hurt felt all-consuming, it wouldn’t last forever. It’s not like you don’t care about it anymore, but the hurt wanes.” —Cara R., 32

17. Be on call for them.

“When my boyfriend broke up with me three days before Valentine’s Day, one of my friends told me to blow up her phone. She said she knew how hard it was to go from texting your partner 24/7 to not texting them at all, so she gave me permission to do that with her.” —Molly S., 25 

18. Help them stay off of their social feeds.

“After my engagement was called off, my twin sister told me not to post about it, and she and my friends encouraged me to just stay away from social media. This helped me realize that I didn’t have to explain myself to other people—I didn’t owe anyone anything. It also protected me from the negativity of the internet. Then, I started fresh with new accounts so I could enjoy social media without being reminded of the past.” —Anonymous, 41

19. Make plans.

“When I felt completely numb after my breakup, my best friends got me out of the house and kept me smiling, laughing, and positive. We shopped at Sephora, Barnes & Noble, and Target and went to the gym. We even took walks around our apartment complex to just talk about my feelings while being outside, unplugged, and in the fresh air. This was truly the best type of medicine, and going on little adventures together was a good distraction.” —Angelo C., 22

20. Be their instant replay. 

“The most helpful thing that my friends did during my breakup was remind me this was a healthy decision. They brought up things I told them about my relationship when I was still in it, and it felt good knowing my friends remembered these important details. They shared their opinions and reminded me why I can stand behind this choice.” —Natasha Camille, LCSW, psychotherapist

21. Point out the bigger picture.

“I was devastated when my first (and only) serious relationship ended. Looking back on it, I tied a lot of my self-worth to being with them. The best thing that my friends and family told me was that I dodged a bullet. We broke up due to poor communication and that would have been very problematic down the line.” —Casey C., 24

22. Remind them about fate (if that’s what they’re into). 

“I went through a breakup a month after I graduated college—an already uncertain and stressful time. The most helpful thing my mom told me was that it would have worked out if it was meant to be. It seems basic, but that idea kept my head above water! It stuck with me as I healed.” —Katelyn A., 27

23. Encourage them to keep doing life (or punch shit).

“After a breakup with someone I assumed I’d spend my life with, my best friend knew exactly what I needed. First, we went to a boxing class and punched the hell out of some heavy bags. Then, over dinner and a few glasses of wine, I said I felt like someone hit pause on my life right when it was getting good. I told her I wanted to fast-forward out of this period of uncertainty. That’s when she reminded me that my life wasn’t on pause; it was happening right now, and it would be a shame to waste it by waiting around for some magical level of certainty that would probably never come. That shifted my perspective. Despite our best efforts and intentions, we can’t control what happens to us. And when bad shit happens, we can’t just wait around for things to get good again. We have to keep living through it. And, sure enough, it got good again—even better, actually.” —Casey G., 35 

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 23 Ways to Help a Friend Through a Breakup appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.30.24

How to Deal With Losing a Parent

According to therapists who specialize in grief and know what it’s like. BySam Brodsky

Losing anyone you care about is hard to grapple with, but losing a parent is a uniquely difficult—and often life-altering—experience. For many of us, our parents shaped us and how we view the world in hugely impactful ways, says licensed psychologist Mekel Harris, PhD, CAGCS, author of Relaxing Into the Pain: My Journey Into Grief & Beyond. You might also be losing someone you relied on for advice, safety, and (at one point or another) financial support, which can feel lonely, scary, and destabilizing, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. 

Even if you didn’t have the greatest relationship with them, losing a parent can hurt like hell. You might feel angry, sad, and a ton of regret that you weren’t able to fix things before they died, says Dr. Harris. And, depending on the situation, you might even be a bit relieved, especially if your parent was suffering or if you experienced caregiver burnout from supporting them, Dr. Harris notes. 

But, overwhelmingly, you’re likely experiencing grief. And that’s some heavy stuff to work through. If you’re dealing with this type of loss, here are therapist-backed tips to move through your grief, give yourself grace, and feel connected (if you want to) after your parent has passed away. 

Really let yourself feel the grief.

You might feel like you need to rush through your emotions or avoid them altogether, says Dr. Harris. Aside from the stigma associated with grief in our society, we basically live in a “Band-Aid, quick fix world,” where we want to get rid of any sort of pain, she explains. But that’s not how grief works.  

Rather than bypassing your grief, acknowledging it and expressing whatever emotions come along for the ride will help you move through it, Dr. Harris notes. To do this, lean into what seems best for you. You can talk about your feelings with friends, a support group, or a mental health professional, Dr. Harris suggests. You can also look for ways to externalize what you’re feeling by journaling, making art, or channeling it through movement (walking, Pilates, yoga…whatever), she says.

Look for ways to keep your connection with them. 

Being able to honor your parent who passed, or continue your relationship with them in some way, can help mitigate the pain and help with healing, says Hatch. “It provides an opportunity for the person who has survived to remain connected in a living and breathing way,” Dr. Harris agrees. “If their name is never brought up, it’s almost as if they never lived. So talking about the person, doing things to celebrate them [even] years beyond the loss, can keep their spirit alive.”

For Dr. Harris, this looks like ordering food from her late mom’s favorite restaurant on her birthday and getting together with family on the anniversary of her dad’s death. But the experts say you can foster this connection outside of major events too. On a random Tuesday, you can write to them (whether that’s with life updates or expressing what you wish you could say), read their go-to books, visit their grave, wear their clothes, listen to music they liked, continue a hobby they enjoyed, or go on a walk with a picture of them in your pocket. Dr. Harris will even record voice memos for her parents when she wants to tell them something, for example. 

Tap into something that gives you perspective.

This isn’t about ignoring your grief. Doing things that remind you of life outside of your pain can give you some hope that there is a world beyond it. For Dr. Harris, that meant talking to a higher power and praying—but it doesn’t have to be religious if that’s not what you’re into. Just connecting with nature, which cycles through things in a very visible way, can help you see that you  can cycle through seasons and feelings too, she says. 

“When my mom died, prayer was something that I really dove into as a connection point to her and God, but I also picked up gardening, which I had never done. … I was helping plant seeds to grow life, and it was very symbolic that life could continue beyond a loss,” Dr. Harris explains. 

If nature isn’t your thing, perspective may come in the form of helping others when you’re ready. For Dr. Harris, providing therapy for grieving people has been a consistent act of service, though you don’t have to make a massive career change or anything. You can always donate to organizations that your parent cared about or volunteer in your community, she says. 

Give yourself grace.

It’s easy to judge yourself if you feel like your pain is lasting too long or you’re not grieving the way other people seem to be. But everybody grieves differently—there is no right or wrong way to do so when a parent (or anyone else) dies. This is an especially helpful reminder if you had a weird or nonexistent relationship with your parent—don’t shame yourself for having conflicting feelings about their death, notes Dr. Harris. 

Instead of judging, just notice the emotions that come up and how they feel in your mind and your body, says Hatch. Then, like we talked about earlier, let yourself move through those emotions in whatever way makes sense to you. It’s a good practice in self-compassion, she says.

When Hatch’s dad died, giving herself grace meant mourning privately instead of publicly like some of her siblings. “We all had very different relationships with my dad, and so that is why we grieved in different ways and why we continue to do so,” she explains. “Instead of feeling badly about that or judging … I’ve just given myself a lot of space to do it differently.” 

And remember that grief isn’t linear and it’s normal for it to come in waves, says Hatch. But you may not be able to see some of these waves approaching. For the situations you can’t  plan for—a sign that reminds you of your mom, a song that brings back memories of your dad—let your emotions flow, says Dr. Harris. For her, seeing the laundry detergent that her mom used during a Costco trip triggered a ton of tears. “[If that happens to you,] allow yourself to emote or experience whatever is rising up, knowing that nothing’s wrong with you,” Dr. Harris says.

“Allowing those tears to fall in Costco in front of strangers was actually one of the best things I could do.”

The post How to Deal With Losing a Parent appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 04.30.24

Ashley Judd on Healing From Grief and Trauma

The actor talks suicide prevention and coping with the latest Harvey Weinstein news. ByShannon Barbour

On April 30, 2022, Ashley Judd found her mom, country singer Naomi Judd, and was there in her final moments before she died by suicide. In the years since, the longtime actor and social justice advocate has continued destigmatizing mental health, shared more about her personal challenges, and, most recently, teamed up with the Biden-Harris Administration to roll out the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention. Developed alongside organizations like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, the three-year plan includes 200 actions to address the prevalence of suicide in America and mental health crises in at-risk populations. 

In an April 23 White House panel with the U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy, Judd shared, “[My mom] lived most of her life with an untreated and undiagnosed mental illness that lied to her and stole from her, and it stole from our family, and she deserved better. I’m also here because I was molested by a man—for the first time that I remember—when I was 7 years old, and that’s when I had the onset of childhood depression.” She continued, “I know the feeling of not wanting to be here, but I had a different experience because I went to treatment in 2006 for unresolved childhood grief and sexual trauma. I’ve been in good recovery for 18 years, and I’ve had a different outcome than my mother, and I carry a message of hope and recovery.” 

Two days after the White House event, Judd’s day was interrupted with the news that Harvey Weinstein’s 2020 sexual assault conviction (which resulted in a 23-year prison sentence) was overturned by the New York Court of Appeals. A quick #MeToo movement refresher: In 2017, Judd was among the first actors to publicly accuse the former film producer of sexual harassment, bringing the #MeToo movement, which dates back to Tarana Burke in 2006, to the forefront. In 2018, Judd sued Weinstein, saying he purposely sabotaged her career after she rejected his advances. (Weinstein maintains that he is not guilty.) 

Here, Judd shares more of what’s on her mind as the second anniversary of her mother’s death approaches, the Weinstein news garners intense backlash, and the Biden-Harris plan rolls out. 

WM: How are you doing lately, considering everything that’s going on in your world right now? 

Ashley Judd: Intellectually, I feel really robust. I’ve had a lot of thoughts and insights. For example, I’ve been thunderstruck at the realization that male sexual violence is a thief. Since the announcement that Harvey Weinstein’s conviction for rape in New York has been overturned, it has really stolen my time. For example, we had to reschedule this interview because I was responding to this institutional betrayal and going on CBS morning news with Jodi Kantor. Then I went bigger and [thought], So much of my life is defined by the principle of freeing women from male sexual harm. What else would I have done with my life if there was no male sexual violence?

From a feeling perspective, I’m not feeling as much because I’m very much in the idea sphere right now. I [do] feel very connected to my community, so that’s a place where I’m really feeling a lot of joy. I’m staying with a great friend, and a great friend Amber Tamblyn just came over and we had an hour together. My partner and my bonus daughter were here for the weekend, and I saw New York from perspectives I’ve never enjoyed. They’re Swiss and had all these ideas that have never occurred to me. 

It’s my mom’s anniversary [on Tuesday], and I’m feeling very sensitive toward myself and self-caring towards myself. So there’s a lot going on there.

WM: This week you are also helping to advocate for the Biden-Harris National Strategy for Suicide Prevention. What points in the strategy are you most excited about?

AJ: What I particularly appreciate is the emphatic inclusion of equity and how they literally baked it into every line. And [Shelby R. Rowe], the Chickasaw woman who was on the panel with me, was invited to review all of the language to specifically ensure that all folks’ mental health was addressed. Suicide disproportionately affects different groups, and everyone deserves to have good mental health and equal access to resources.

WM: One of the other goals involves expanding support for people who have lost someone to suicide. What do you think would’ve been helpful for you and your family following your mom’s passing?

AJ: I think it’s very prudent, wise, and compassionate that postvention is a part of the action plan. I was fortunate because I was already pretty grief- and trauma- literate when Mom died. I knew the difference, for example, between trauma and grief because of my work both on recovering from unresolved childhood grief and sexual trauma, and because of my international feminist social justice humanitarian work. So I had a leg up, and I knew, for example, that I had to address my trauma before I could actually start the organic grieving process.

But a lot of people are bewildered and crushed by their trauma and their grief. And these tools and supports will allow people to believe that they have a right to be happy. They’re not betraying their loved one if they live a good life, and the maelstrom of emotions that they feel are natural and appropriate and they do go through stages. It can be so helpful to have a perspective and go, Oh, the bargaining stage, that’s what’s happening right now. And oh my gosh, I’m in shock. That’s why I’m having this iterative, intrusive memory. It’s shock. Just to get that little bit of space and have that perspective makes all the difference between feeling crushed and paralyzed and being able to reach out for some support and community.

WM: How has your grief journey morphed over the last couple years?

AJ: I knew that I was holding the complexity of both trauma and grief and that being the one who found Mom was a blow to my brain and an insult to my neurobiology. It was also a precious gift because I had the blessing of walking her home. She was breathed into the infinite mercy of God. And to be able to live in the blessing and the honor of midwifing her, I first had to give my brain the opportunity to resolve the trauma.

I started doing work on the trauma within days, and I vomited during my first piece of work. It was like, in the cells of my body. It was in the tissues of my muscles. And that fall, I did an intensive series of EMDR [eye movement desensitization and reprocessing]. … I did two sessions a week for three months; I really leaned hard into that experience. 

When the trauma was resolved, I noticed that then I started the natural grieving process, which was the observable stages. And now I feel this mirth and delight when I think about Mom kicking around in the mystery. She was so fascinated by the cosmos and neuroscience and what happens in the universe, and now she knows.

WM: You’ve been open about getting treatment in 2006 for your mental health. What’s something that gave you hope and made you want to keep going even in your darkest times?

AJ: I felt better. I think I came for relief, and then I got recovery and thriving. That’s an enormous incentive.

WM: What message would you like to share with anyone who has been impacted by suicide or suicidal ideation?

AJ: It’s helpful to talk about it. There are many of us who understand and identify, and we just listened to this the other night. My experience, taken from the James Taylor song “Shower the People,” is when I tell someone the way that I feel, I can feel it beginning to ease. The disease of mental illness, it’s been helpful for me to think of it as a thief and a liar. It creates distorted thinking, and it lies to me. In its most convincing darkness, it whispers, “It will never get any better than this.” If I can have this tiny sliver of memory that this is a disease—it’s not me—it’s a disease that is lying to me, I create a beat where I can reach out to someone. [I can] share the way that I’m feeling, and they will help me, text 988, or give me a little bit of support that will help me reach for a tool.

WM: What else would you like to leave readers with?

AJ: I love the quote from my daily reader today. A truth I really stand by is that the trauma I don’t transform is trauma I will transfer, and I can’t transmit what I do not have. So the most radical thing I can do for the world is to take care of myself. And I really appreciated the way this reading put it: “Being true to myself is one of the greatest gifts I can give to those around me.”

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Ashley Judd on Healing From Grief and Trauma appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.03.24

How to Break Up With Someone Without Being a Dick

"I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me." BySam Brodsky

No matter how long you’ve been together, breakups are awful. It’s the end of a relationship that—at one point—brought you a lot of joy. And, despite whatever reasons you have for breaking up, this person probably also has some great qualities that you’re sad to lose, says dating and relationship therapist Rebecca Marcus, LCSW. After all, you chose them for a reason. Since there’s no manual for how to break up with someone in the least awful and messy way possible, we brought in some experts to help. 

Even if you know splitting up is the right thing to do, the idea of hurting their feelings can stop you from moving forward, Marcus adds. But in case you needed reminding, “you get to decide what’s the best thing for you, and you don’t have to tolerate a relationship that’s not working,” she says. In other words, trust what your gut is saying and don’t stay with someone for the sake of comfort (or because breaking up is hard), says therapist Levi Rhodes, LMFT. 

While it’s great that you want to avoid hurting their feelings, you really can’t sidestep that part. But you can  try to make this breakup talk as thoughtful and considerate as possible without sacrificing yourself in the process.

Here, we asked therapists how to break up with someone without being a jerk to your ex or yourself. You’ve got this!

Use “I” statements.

The first thing to figure out is your delivery. Saying how you  feel about the relationship (an “I” statement) instead of hitting them with how they  make you feel (a “you” statement) is a less shamey way to deliver the news, Marcus explains. For example, instead of saying, “You’re not making me happy,” you can try, “I’m not feeling happy in our relationship,” she says. Or instead of, “You’re not putting in effort,” maybe try, “We talked about what I need in this relationship [assuming you have  talked about it], and nothing’s changed, so I gotta take care of myself,” Marcus suggests. You’re basically saying the same things in a way that’s less accusatory, even if they’re still somewhat upset. 

Be direct.

Of course, if you feel like “I” statements are keeping you from being direct about how you feel and why you’re ending this relationship, you don’t need to use them, says couples therapist Sonjia Smith, LMFT. Sometimes you just need to say, “You  have done this thing, and, because of that, I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” she notes. However you say it, the goal is to tell them exactly why you’re over it. 

This might seem harsh, and you could think that being less honest is the nice thing to do, but that can lead to a lot of gray areas. “If the focus is on being nice as opposed to being direct, your message may not be received the way it’s intended,” explains Rhodes. They might not take you seriously or they might be left thinking these issues are fixable, he says. 

Try something like, “I feel ___ when ___, and I don’t want that in a relationship,” Rhodes suggests. Or, “I don’t see us together long term because of X, Y, Z,” suggests Marcus. 

Validate their feelings without emotionally supporting them.

Depending on how your relationship went down, seeing them upset over your breakup might make you want to be there for them—but that’s not great for either of you, says Marcus. You can’t really move on if you’re in a caretaker role, and they won’t be able to deal with emotions like grief when you’re around, she says. “Each person needs to take responsibility for their own feelings and reactions and soothe themselves.” 

Instead, you can totally validate what they’re going through with something like, “This is really painful. I’m sad about it too, but I can’t be there for you,” says Marcus. Then, suggest people they can  reach out to like a friend or even a therapist, she adds.

Write out reminders.

If you’re nervous about whether you’ll get your point across or stand your ground during a breakup, it might help to keep a list of reasons why you’ve made this decision, says Marcus. When you end a relationship, you can feel confused and guilty or you can second-guess yourself. So, having these reminders handy is a very visual way of staying focused on the point—aka breaking up, she says.

Have a breakup time limit.

Sometimes it’s hard to end a breakup conversation because you’re trying to be there for the other person (careful!) or you’re stuck in a cycle of hashing out old arguments (never helpful!), says Marcus. Whatever the cause, talking in circles or dragging out the conversation can sometimes suck you back in, she notes. Going into the convo with a time limit in mind can help you stay focused on expressing that you want to end things and telling the other person why that is, she suggests. 

Don’t leave things open unless you mean it.

After a breakup, it’s common for people who were broken up with to make the positive changes their ex recommended, Marcus says. And if you’re open to giving it another go after they figure some things out, that’s fine. However! If you do not want to reconnect even if they level up, don’t throw out an ambiguous, “Maybe later in life things will work out…” You don’t want to promise them something you don’t mean, says Smith. When you do that, you’re being a dick to them and to yourself. 

Consider your safety.

Obviously, breaking up with someone face-to-face is ideal. But because ending a relationship is a huge loss, “people aren’t necessarily going to respond as their most centered, calm, rational selves,” Marcus says. So, if you’re nervous about how your partner will react, especially if you’re concerned about your safety, you don’t have to do it in person, says Smith. You can also meet up in a public place and/or have a friend waiting nearby, she suggests. 

Go no-contact if you can.

Again, a breakup can feel like a loss because…well…it is. Even if you stay friends (or friendly) in the future, the dynamic you once had with the other person is over. Both of you have to grieve that loss in order to move on. And, obviously, you can’t do that if you’re talking every day, says Marcus. Basically, your feelings about the breakup—sadness, anger, denial, acceptance—will ebb and flow, but it’s easier to process them without the other person, she says. 

That’s why she suggests at least a month-long no-contact period. That means no texting or calling or any communication. You can also unfollow or mute them on social media since seeing them on your feed can get in the way of healing, Marcus says. It’s almost like if you have a broken foot and you walk on it too soon before it’s better. You need that time to heal, she notes. 

Of course, if you live together, work together, or share kids or pets, you can’t always go no-contact, says Smith. In those cases, you can set rules around when you’ll communicate and what you can discuss, she suggests. Maybe that means one of you sleeps on the couch until you move out or you only speak about the logistics of daycare pickups and drop-offs. The most important thing is that you give each other as much space to grieve as possible.

The post How to Break Up With Someone Without Being a Dick appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 03.01.24

Do You Actually Need Closure?

Stuck in WTF mode? Read this. BySam Brodsky

Your Tinder fling leaves you on read after your fourth date. Your job sends you an email with a vague reason for laying you off. Your longest friendship fizzles out even though you’ve tried texting and calling. Whenever things happen that we don’t understand, it’s 100% human to look for closure, says therapist Benu Lahiry, LMFT, chief clinical officer of Ours. 

We’re wired to want to make sense of things, agrees therapist Tina Setteducate, LMFT, coauthor of BreakUp & BreakOut. And a lot of what we try to understand usually involves other people in some way: family, partners, friends, co-workers, anyone we have a relationship with, Setteducate says. 

If you’re here, you’re probably dealing with some unresolved emotions or questions that make it hard for you to accept that something is really over. You’re searching for that elusive ~closure~. Welcome, friends! We know how it goes, and we’re here for you. 

Ahead, we talked to mental health professionals about what closure is, how to find it, plus why you may not even really need it to move on after all.  

What is closure?

Closure is “the act, achievement, or sense of completing or resolving something,” according to the American Psychological Association. Oftentimes, that resolution looks like saying your piece or getting answers about why something happened, says Lahiry. Basically, you feel like you have unfinished business and can’t move on unless you address it. Like, maybe you left a job without getting to tell your manager just how awful he was, or your ex ended things without giving you clarity as to why (or if there was someone else). Maybe you just want to know that you and a friend you lost touch with are cool. Makes sense!

Shit happens. People ghost or…pass away. Or someone thinks  they’re being clear, but you still have stuff you wanna ask or say. When this happens, the desire for closure can be so intense because it’s hard to accept something when there’s so much uncertainty and question marks left. You may feel like you don’t have any control over the situation—and that the only way you’ll get control is through closure, says Setteducate. 

You’re stuck in this uncomfortable limbo, where you’re ruminating over things you have left to say or figure out, says Lahiry. And all that rumination can drain you of the mental energy you need to take care of yourself, she says. Talk about exhausting! 

To someone on the outside, you might look like you’re moving on with a new job, a date, or just your everyday life. But because you’re still hung up on the past, it’s hard to put your 100% into those things. “You’re not fully present in any sort of important dimension in your life,” says Lahiry. You’re not actually moving on—and that can leave you feeling super confused, sad, or anxious, says Setteducate.  

How to find closure. 

We typically think of closure as a long-winded text to an ex in which you air your grievances and ask for answers. And, sure, that’s one way of doing it (more on that in a sec). But sometimes you can’t go straight to the source—like if you and your ex went no-contact or if you have lingering questions for an estranged family member who passed away. So, because you can’t control factors like this, you’d have to pivot and get some type of resolution on our own, says Lahiry. Both are paths you can take.

First, let’s talk about talking it out (when possible). If you’re feeling completely blindsided by a situation or just think you’re missing info that can help you get a clearer picture of what happened, it may be worth reaching out to the other person involved for answers, Lahiry explains. At least if you get clarity about why your partner dumped you, you might be like: OK, well they weren’t the right person for me anyway. Or: Ah, maybe I do need to work on X, Y, Z.

That said, talking about what went down can do more harm than good if you aren’t willing to hear things that might hurt your feelings, Lahiry notes. So, it may be best to skip it altogether if you don’t think you’ll be able to handle that. 

To help you decide if it’s worth reaching out, you can role-play with a friend or therapist, practicing how you’d respond to different things the other person might say, suggests Setteducate. If you get really worked up over this pretend convo, that could be your sign that reaching out for a real chat might make you feel even worse. But if you’re fine with how things went, you just got some good practice in for the real thing. 

When it comes to reaching out, get in touch in whatever way feels most comfortable, Lahiry says. Call them, meet up for coffee, shoot them a text. Send a carrier pigeon! However you reach out, be clear about what you want and why, like, “I want to understand what happened from your point of view, and I feel like I need this to feel better and move forward,” says Setteducate. You can also share what things looked like from your side to see if there’s a disconnect. Say, “In my perspective, this happened. Do you agree?” suggests Lahiry.

So what happens when they don’t respond (or you can’t reach out in the first place)? Try to focus on your own perspective, says Setteducate. “If we assume what the other person’s thinking, sometimes we’re right and sometimes we’re wrong. But we know what’s true for us,” she notes. You can think or journal about any of the following: What did I like about the person or situation? What didn’t I like? What did I learn about myself? What do I want to take into the next stage of my life? Is there anything I need to forgive myself or the other person for? This is a very final way of making sense of the situation without the other person and acknowledging that this part of your life is ending, Setteducate says. 

If you have stuff you still want to get off your chest, you can record that in a voice memo or write it down in a letter, suggests Lahiry. “It’s a simple way to get all of your thoughts and feelings out without having to hold them in and ruminate over them,” she says. Sometimes even ripping up and throwing away the letter can give you enough closure because it signifies getting everything out of your system for good, says Setteducate. 

If all that solo introspection feels unsatisfying and not very closure-like to you, we get it. Unfortunately, closure isn’t always possible. Which brings us to…

What to do if you can’t get closure.   

Oftentimes people want closure to stop spiraling, to feel hopeful, and to just feel better overall, Setteducate says. In fact, they often conflate closure with the relief from pain. But it’s possible to get that relief even without tying everything together in a neat little bow, notes Setteducate. You don’t actually need all that stuff to move on or get to a place of less pain.  

A lot of it has to do with radical acceptance, grieving, and taking care of yourself. FWIW, even if you did know all the answers to every question, you’d still have to grieve a part of your life that’s over—whatever it is. For example, you might know exactly how your ex-partner’s feeling, but you’d still have to confront the hard truth of being alone, says Setteducate. 

Grief isn’t linear and it looks different for everyone, so there’s no step-by-step process you can follow. That said, one thing you might want to try is letting yourself feel your feelings instead of avoiding them. Give yourself permission to fall apart by yourself and in front of others, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. “Pain is something that might be around for a long time. By allowing it to be part of us instead of working so hard to numb it out, we can begin to see how our lives can grow around the pain,” Hatch says. 

Some people previously told Wondermind that they like to celebrate someone they’ve lost or do things the person used to enjoy as a way to grieve them. But obviously it depends on the situation. If you’re going through a breakup, for example, sometimes you need to physically cut ties by getting rid of their stuff or deleting them on social media, says Setteducate. 

To help you accept the reality of any big change, you can also plan for the future. Setteducate suggests journaling or talking to a therapist or loved one about what you want your life to look like moving forward. Do you want to date? Do you want to apply for a new job? How do you want to fill your time with things that make you happy? You can hang with friends, get back into old hobbies, and make plans you’re looking forward to, suggests Setteducate. 

Of course, if you feel like you need extra support, you can find that in therapy. A mental health pro can help you work through the grieving process and the feelings of sadness, anxiety, and anger that come with it, says Setteducate. And they can help you be more OK with not  getting the answers you’re looking for, she says.

That said, don’t expect to feel solid right away. It can take months for your heart to acknowledge what your head already knows, says Hatch. “The heart doesn’t accept unwanted change quickly,” she explains. “And it takes time for it to come to know and learn this massive change on a daily basis.” 

The post Do You Actually Need Closure? appeared first on Wondermind.