Explainer Link Copied 01.30.25

Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

You’re fully aware sleep is good for you. And yet! BySam Brodsky

You know the feeling. It’s been a long day, and you’re exhausted. But instead of sleeping, you scroll. You organize your Pinterest boards. You shop online for light bulbs. You hit up your Netflix list. You’ve fully entered the revenge bedtime procrastination zone.

You’re sure that you’ll regret staying up, but some part of you says, Fuck it, and you keep going. Next thing you know, you’ve watched two episodes since you first thought, Wait, I should go to bed. I’m exhausted. You need sleep, you want sleep, and yet you’re scrolling through stupid cat videos until 1 a.m. 

It makes no logical sense why we’re like this, but here we are! If you can relate, we asked sleep experts and psychologists to explain why revenge bedtime procrastination happens and how to quit sabotaging your sleep.

What is revenge bedtime procrastination?

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t a legit sleep disorder, but it’s a very relatable phenomenon that went viral in 2020 after journalist Daphne K. Lee translated it from a Chinese expression describing the same concept, according to the BBC.

“It’s a way of pushing back against a busy schedule or lack of control over your time,” sleep psychologist Shelby Harris, PsyD, DBSM, explains.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, revenge bedtime procrastination happens when you don’t make time for rest, relaxation, or fun during the day (hence the “revenge”), says behavioral sleep medicine specialist and licensed psychologist Sarah Silverman, PsyD. Then, without a chance to recoup all day, craving downtime outweighs getting to bed when you’re sleepy. 

Psychologically speaking, it’s much easier to prioritize what feels good in the moment (TV) than what might happen the next day (being tired), explains Brad Wolgast, PhD, CBSM, DBSM, a licensed psychologist who’s board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine. 

Revenge bedtime procrastination can also strike when you’re trying to avoid thinking about what horrors may persist tomorrow, notes Dr. Silverman. Sabotaging your slumber to do something fun can “slow down time and avoid the inevitable,” she explains. 

How can I tell if I have revenge bedtime procrastination?

The biggest indicator that you’re a revenge bedtime procrastinator is that you recognize you’re very tired, but you’re still engaging in extracurricular activities, says Dr. Silverman. If this keeps happening on days when you’ve been swamped at work or doing things for other people, that’s another red flag. 

To be clear though, revenge bedtime procrastination is different from being a night owl. If you’re a person who normally feels more alert and productive later in the day, staying up late to scroll is just a normal Tuesday. You can thank your circadian rhythm (aka your internal body clock) for that, Dr. Silverman explains.

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t the same as insomnia either. Insomnia is a sleep disorder that makes it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep at least three nights per week for three months or longer, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). That’s very different than keeping yourself awake to soak in “me time” a la revenge bedtime procrastination, explains Dr. Silverman. 

How can I quit revenge bedtime procrastination?

The key to overcoming this nonsensical habit is to get out of your own damn way. It sounds easier said than done, but with a little motivation and a few hacks, you can totally conquer this struggle.

Your brain is craving some OOO time for a reason, so the answer isn’t to deny yourself TV, social media, video games, or whatever you want to do. Instead, find ways to integrate more fun downtime into your day. That can make the need less urgent at night, notes Dr. Harris.

Read in between meetings, call your friend before your next errand, or watch a show while you eat dinner. In a perfect world, you could also replace non-pressing things on your to-do list with personal time, notes Dr. Silverman. “When you create space for self-care during your day, you’re less likely to create space for revenge procrastination before bed.”

If you have to save your Netflix, Instagram, or FaceTime sessions for the evening hours, that’s OK (and understandable). In that case, using an alarm can help you remember your bedtime schedule, says Dr. Silverman. She recommends setting one for 30 minutes or an hour before you want to be asleep. That’s your cue to start winding down. If you’re prone to hitting snooze, set backup alarms for 15-minute intervals to really annoy yourself into prioritizing sleep.  

Having a bedtime routine or ritual that feels like a treat can also help, says Dr. Silverman. You know, something you’ll actually want to stop scrolling for. Maybe you change into the world’s most comfy PJs, drink tea, put on a podcast while you brush your teeth, or diffuse essential oils.

Of course, some of us can push off even the most relaxing bedtime routine for more TV time. That’s why planning something to look forward to in the morning, like a workout class or coffee run with a friend, can help, Dr. Silverman says. That can make you more excited to get to bed. 

Gamifying your bedtime routine can work too. If you get to bed on time five days in a row, reward yourself with something nice, suggests Dr. Silverman. “It’s not just about repeating a routine. It’s about making your routine feel rewarding so that sleep becomes something your mind and body crave rather than resist,” she adds.   

If none of this seems to topple the revenge goblin living in your head, you likely need to find your personal brand of motivation for prioritizing sleep, says Dr. Wolgast. Overcoming bedtime procrastination doesn’t happen just because you know it’s bad for you. It happens when you find the motivation to overcome it and maintain that motivation because you know it’s the best thing for you, he explains. 

Maybe waking up to go for a walk in the morning is easier when you go to bed at 9 p.m. Or perhaps feeling more alert during the workday helps you accomplish tasks faster, which means you have a better chance of doing something fun before dinner. Then, when Netflix starts another episode, you remember your why, turn off the TV, and go brush your teeth with less mental pushback. 

When all else fails, you can always see a sleep specialist if you feel like revenge bedtime procrastination is taking over your (night) life and impacting how you function on the day-to-day, notes Dr. Silverman. These experts can better assess what’s causing your revenge bedtime procrastination and pinpoint other sleep issues.

The post Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.16.25

If TikTok Gets Banned, Are We All Going to Have a Breakdown? 

Your favorite way to feel something or nothing at all might be signing off. Here's how to deal. ByMolly Longman

TikTok can feel like lip balm for your brain. Soothing. Easy. Immediate gratification. And, by now, years after it first launched in the U.S., TikTok has easily become one of our most reliable coping tools. For better or worse, the social platform swoops in to save us from our feelings. Boredom, stress, loneliness, or anxiety are defenseless against the random life hacks, landscaping makeovers, GRWM vids, and mental health advice from experts (…and some people who are definitely not experts). Maybe that’s why the possibility of TikTok going away seems like a personal attack.

ICYMI, this is all happening because of a bill passed last April, the goal of which was to combat “a significant threat to national security,” according to the bill H.R.815. This comes after reports of serious societal harms like misinformation, problematic algorithms, and extreme privacy issues allegedly caused by the app. 

This means that TikTok’s parent company (based in China) would need to sell the app to a company based in a country that’s not a “foreign adversary” by January 19th 2025. If not, the app will become unavailable to U.S. users, according to the proposed bill. Exactly what that means is a little murky, but experts guess that, since the app stores will no longer carry TikTok, new users won’t be able to download the app and existing users’ apps will get so buggy they become unusable after January 19th.

 If just the idea of life without TikTok makes you feel A LOT of feelings, that makes sense. 

Here, we explain why we’re so attached to that sweet, sweet TikTok algo, why it’s OK to be legit freaked out by the potential loss, and how to use that emotional intel to set yourself up for success if it does go  away.

Why does TikTok have such a chokehold on us?

If you learned about dopamine detoxes (on TikTok lol), then you probably know that social media can be one of your brain’s favorite sources of the feel-good neurotransmitter, dopamine. 

ICYMI, dopamine is part of our internal reward system and enables us to feel pleasure. It’s the same response we get when we hear the intro to a song we like or take the first bite of something delicious. That’s why psychotherapist Courtney Tracy, LCSW, PsyD, founder of Exist mental health and substance use treatment center, refers to the platform as “brain candy.”

While dopamine is the thing our brains want, it’s the “intermittent rewards,” or inconsistent hits of the neurotransmitter that keep us scrolling or mindlessly opening the app without even realizing it, explains media psychologist Don Grant, PhD, who researches digital engagement behaviors and their possible impacts on mental health. Our brain gets bored if the positive reinforcement is too predictable, so it seeks out experiences in which there’s potential for the prize that is dopamine, Dr. Grant adds. 

Although there isn’t enough scientific evidence to prove TikTok (or any other social platform) is addictive, using TikTok can supply the same neurological rewards that have been proven to lead to other habit-forming behaviors, says Dr. Grant. 

TikTok’s algorithm is particularly “sticky” or engaging because it’s serving up stuff that’s already made you feel good in the past, Dr. Grant explains. Ah yes, the algorithm. And even though other social and streaming platforms rely on a similar algorithm of suggestions based on stuff you like, TikTok seems to do this especially quickly and seamlessly. “This property correlates with other established substance- and process-type dependencies and addictive-type behaviors,” says Dr. Grant.

That feel-good effect could be amplified for those who lean on TikTok for a sense of community. Whether you have a disability, are a stay-at-home parent, are an LGBTQ+ person in a small town, or feel generally isolated in real life, you might feel more validated and less alone among these pockets of content, creators, or commenters who remind you of you, per a small scientific survey published for a conference of the Association of Computing Machinery. 

Even if you’re not coming to TikTok to meet people who get you, the “seemingly raw, uncut, and unpolished” nature of the creators and content (vs what you see on other social media platforms) “makes us feel like we know the people in these videos on this deep level—even if it’s all curated,” says therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare, LMFT.

It’s a kind of parasocial voyeurism, DeGeare explains, which can make us feel close to the people and things we see on the app without much effort. That could be why you kept coming back to the app to see if Charlotte the stingray was impregnated by sharks or through immaculate conception.

All of this, plus the entertainment value, makes TikTok the ultimate place to dissociate, which can be good and bad, Dr. Tracy (aka The.Truth.Doctor on TikTok) explains. 

Here’s what a TikTok withdrawal could feel like.

Don’t worry, “TIkTok withdrawal” is not an actual mental health symptom. But if you spend a lot of time on the app or use it in any of the scenarios above, you could experience some uncomfortable emotions if you stop using it. That could look like a sense of loss or emptiness, says Dr. Tracy. Others might just feel bored. There could also be a certain level of anxiety that stems from the disruption of your daily TikTok routine. As you’re falling asleep at night without scrolling, you might feel a dissatisfaction you can’t quite put your finger on, explains DeGeare. You might find yourself mindlessly toggling through other apps seeking the same dopamine rush you got from TikTok.

If you’ve found a TikTok community you interact with frequently, the feelings of distress could be more intense, almost like a mini-version of losing a friend, Dr. Tracy adds. “It’s totally understandable to be outraged [by the potential loss of TikTok], especially if you feel someone is taking away your community, your access to information, or your ability to understand people on the other side of the world,” DeGeare says. “Especially now.” 

How can you emotionally prep for a TikTok ban? 

It’s not a bad idea to prepare thyself for the worst, Dr. Tracy says. Anytime we’re losing something that means a lot to us (yes, even the thing that makes long lines for the bathroom more bearable), it‘s helpful to create a plan. 

That’s especially true if you’re upset just thinking about what could happen next. Here, we asked experts how to manage that outrage whether the platform exists or not, so you can get into a more positive headspace without the Tok.

1. Assess how TikTok is serving you.

Sure, you could just find another go-to social app to lean on instead of TikTok, but you’re setting yourself up for the same infinite scroll issues by relying on any one thing for joy, entertainment, or to relieve stress, explains Sarah Domoff, PhD, a clinical child psychologist and an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Albany. 

This moment of TikTok peril could be an opportunity to assess your mental and emotional needs and the tools you use to meet them. The more options you have, the better off you’ll be when you need to use them, says Dr. Domoff, who studies problematic media use during childhood. 

To figure out what you’re actually getting out of TikTok, think about what’s making you react so strongly to a possible ban. Do you get validation from the app? Community? A boredom-free life? Do you learn new facts or recipes? Do you get your news here?

It can help to journal on this, DeGeare says. Spend 15 minutes on the app to refresh your memory (or think about the things you miss the most about it), then put your phone down and start writing down what you liked about this experience. 

2. Fill those voids.

Then, make another list detailing what activities or outlets could provide similar (or maybe even better!) benefits, DeGeare suggests. You don’t need to “mine for dopamine” on TikTok when “there’s a river of feel-good chemicals out in the real world,” Dr. Tracy says.

If you opened the app to take a break from real life (work, kids, school, your general existence, etc.), try listening to a podcast and going for a walk or taking a bath with good music. These feel-good breaks have benefits that last long after you’re done with them (unlike scrolling).

You can also practice some grounding exercises to become more OK doing nothing, like focusing on one object, smell, or sound for a while, DeGeare says. We often get the message that our worth is related to accomplishing things. So doing nothing is uncomfortable and powerful, she adds. 

When in doubt, focus on activities that provide human contact. When we’re feeling low, the things that help us get back to baseline are almost always real personal connections, says Dr. Grant. “When we laugh, cry, celebrate, grieve, mourn, and build each other up in real life—that’s what makes us human,” Dr. Grant says. 

So if you had a group of friends you followed online, schedule a Zoom with them, or use this as an excuse to organize an overdue in-person catch-up. You can also call any friend up to commiserate over coffee, go on a walk with your neighbor, or call your mom, DeGeare says. 

Still, we hear you: These require more effort and we’re all busy and tired. But despite the legwork, bonding with others (or even yourself) outside of the internet is a positive way to cope with life. And if it involves other people, those actions can provide a longer-lasting benefit in the form of positive memories, Dr. Grant says. That tops the quick buzz or escapism you get from swiping up on social, Dr. Grant explains.

3. Cut back on screen time.

Yes, adding in other apps or experiences to manage your feels is a good move, but if journaling made you realize that your emotions or mood are maybe, kind of dependent on social media in general, it can’t hurt to taper your time spent on it. 

Try timing yourself. How many minutes or hours do you spend on social  apps each week? (You can also just check your usage through the Apple Screen Time app or in your Android settings app.) Then, see if you can cut it down by 20, 10, or just 5 minutes a week. Baby steps. 

If you can’t stick to that time limit, that could be a red flag, says Dr. Tracy. In that case, you could delete or log out of the apps after you use it, since the annoyance of re-entering your password may be enough to deter you. Take that, instant gratification! self. How many minutes or hours do you spend on the app each week? (You can also just check your usage through the Apple Screen Time app or in your Android settings app.) Then, see if you can cut it down by 20, 10, or just 5 minutes a week. Baby steps. 

If you can’t stick to that time limit, that could be a red flag, says Dr. Tracy. In that case, you could delete or log out of the app after you use it, since the annoyance of re-entering your password may be enough to deter you. Take that, instant gratification! 

The post If TikTok Gets Banned, Are We All Going to Have a Breakdown?  appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.23.24

4 Tips for Becoming Rejection-Proof, From a Life Coach Who Helps People Do This Every Day

Gotta risk it for the biscuit. BySusie Moore

My first full-time job was as a receptionist at a Volkswagen dealership, but I had my sights set on the sales team. They had freedom from their desks, and their success was reflected in the money they made. I spent every spare moment shadowing them, helping their clients, and absorbing all the knowledge I could (never mind that I completely neglected my receptionist duties).

So, when I was called to my boss’s office two months after starting, I felt a surge of adrenaline. This is it! I thought. I’m getting promoted! I was sure someone must have noticed my initiative. I excitedly strode up the stairs to the boss’s office. Should I negotiate? Will this be an immediate transition? What about getting business cards? Stay gracious, Susie. Shoulders back!

My high vibe was thrown off a cliff the second I sat down. “Susie, there’s no easy way to say this—we’re letting you go. You’re not doing the job we hired you for.” I cried after I left the building. I was too embarrassed to tell my coworkers I’d been fired. 

Seeing rejection as redirection 

When I called the headhunter who’d placed me in the position, I told the truth: “I don’t think I’m cut out for admin work, not even as a stepping stone.” I was surprised when she agreed. And—get this—she immediately hired me for a sales role at her firm. I was actually rejected into a better job. That moment became a turning point in my adult life. I learned not to label rejection as “bad” so quickly. I had more trust that things often work out.

That sales role helped me land a new gig at a larger recruitment company—and, eventually, I was hired for two more big roles I wasn’t necessarily the most qualified for. Despite the risk of rejection, going after what I wanted continued to pay off. 

By the time I was 30, I started reflecting on my goals. I enjoyed and appreciated my job, but I knew it wasn’t my life’s work. I wanted to help people progress, problem-solve, and make big strides forward in their lives. I wanted to be a life coach.

At that point, the life coaching industry was still pretty new. Not everyone knew what a coach was or why you might hire one (“Cool, what sport?” was a question I got more than once). Some of the most successful coaches were well-known authors and seminar leaders who were oceans ahead of me. Rejection felt like a not-impossible fate. 

Like any career change I’d made in the past, I knew this one would make me vulnerable to others’ opinions about what I had to offer. Still, I reasoned, the worst-case scenario was ending up back in a sales role. And if that was the worst outcome, I was already living my worst-case life. Rejection was worth the risk.

So I signed up for life coaching classes at New York University. After nearly a decade of coaching, I’ve helped thousands of clients face rejection, rebound, and get after their goals no matter the setback. Here are my tried-and-true tips for rejection-proofing your life. 

1. Notice when you’re the one doing the rejecting.  

You’ve probably already rejected someone today. Maybe you ignored a text, canceled plans, dismissed someone’s idea, declined an invitation, forgot to invite a friend to a party, zoned out during a conversation, scrolled past a friend’s Instagram post, or just avoided eye contact with someone.

For the most part, it’s all pretty harmless. And yet, when we feel rejected, we rarely see it in the same innocuous way. Instead, we spiral, overthinking it for hours. 

It’s like the time I was ghosted by a new friend. We were supposed to meet up on a recent trip of mine (I picked the cutest outfit!). But in the days leading up to lunch, she went radio silent. The cells in my body recalled the sting of being snubbed. Then I remembered that her silence probably had nothing to do with me—and I snapped out of it.

Weeks later, I received a heartbreaking WhatsApp apology from her. She’d been going through a miscarriage. 

It goes to show how wrong our assumptions can be when someone lets us down. We don’t always know the whole story, so we can’t assume we were ignored or fired or ditched because we’re despicable and everyone hates us. Instead of believing the worst, why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt? Shit happens.

2. Start collecting rejections.  

I consider all rejections proof of something, so I treasure each one. You went for it! You tried something new! You were brave! Every “no” is a testament to you and something to be proud of. Bravo! 

Because I celebrate the courage to act more than the outcome, I love to set up “rejection challenges” in my work as a life coach. To complete the challenge, my clients have to be rejected 10 times within one week. Whether you get a win along the way or not, collecting your rejections like little trophies helps you separate your self-worth from the setbacks. You see them as a part of the process—not the end result.

And when you keep taking action, what once seemed impossible suddenly becomes possible! Thanks to my challenge, one client got her first paid speaking gig. Another had an incredible day shadowing a TV producer friend (she wants to get into the entertainment biz). One saved $300 asking for a Memorial Day sale to be extended to her outdoor furniture purchase. You can’t win without the possibility of failure. 

3. Think of what rejection might be moving you toward.

When my boss gave me the boot, he found a suitable receptionist for the company, and I was redirected toward a career path that was more aligned with my abilities and interests. It was an eventual double win.

There are so many examples like this throughout our lives, and I see it all the time. One of my life coaching clients was devastated when her fiancé called off their wedding. But she soon fell in love with someone wonderful she met getting her Master of Business Administration degree. They now have a daughter and live happily abroad.

My husband was disappointed for weeks when he wasn’t chosen for a lateral position within the bank where he worked. Not long afterward, he was approached for a better role that led us to New York City! His rejection was the catalyst for our next chapter. 

In my experience working with thousands of clients (and within my own life), rejections and setbacks are often a nudge in the right direction. This can sound annoyingly optimistic when we’re going through it. We want what we want when we want it. But it’s soothing to remember that a delay isn’t necessarily a denial. Give it time.

4. Do a vulnerability cost-benefit analysis.

In the early days of building my life coaching business and marketing myself to potential clients, I knew I had to post videos to YouTube and create social media content to reach my audience. But, even with a healthy relationship with rejection, I was nervous. I worried about negative comments and trolls. 

Around that time, I received some strength from a surprising source: Kris Jenner. I interviewed Kris for an article I wrote as a freelancer. When it went live, she Tweeted it and tagged me. While the shoutout was amazing, I was more preoccupied with the flood of comments. I’ve never read such disgusting commentary in my life. I thought, Trolls happen to everyone. Kris shakes it off and launches a new brand by lunchtime.

That experience led to an epiphany: The key to pressing on is having something more important than fear in the driver’s seat. So, instead of avoiding vulnerability, I weighed the benefits of posting content against the risk of doing it. I asked myself, Is this worth being rejected for? In the end, my goal (succeeding as a life coach) was more important than my sensitivity. 

Susie Moore hosts the top-rated podcast, Let It Be Easy.

The post 4 Tips for Becoming Rejection-Proof, From a Life Coach Who Helps People Do This Every Day appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.30.24

7 Toxic Dating Rules You Can Stop Following Immediately

No, you don't need to be fully healed before you can date. ByJeff Guenther, LPC

Social media is filled with so many strict dating rules lately, and I’d love to cancel every single one of them. As a licensed therapist who specializes in relationships and just wrote a whole book about them called Big Dating Energy, I’m not a fan of any dating advice that doesn’t allow for nuance—because we’re all messy and complicated beings.  

Before I eviscerate the latest dating rules that are floating around or being shared by way too many people that live inside your phone, I will say that if these rules work for you and you feel good applying them to your dating life, then I love that for you. I don’t want to poop all over something that’s benefiting you. If you disagree with one of my takes, I will not be offended. Also, a scaled-down and less intense version of these dating rules is sometimes a perfect fit for someone trying to figure out the hellscape that is modern dating.

With that said, let’s dive into the no-nuance dating rules that probably aren’t worth your time: 

1. You shouldn’t date anyone until you’re fully healed.

Newsflash! You’re never going to be fully healed! Even your favorite internet therapist (moi) isn’t fully healed and he’s an amazing partner! Ask (almost) anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with. But, I get it, you’re being told that if you fix yourself up by getting rid of all your intimacy issues (impossible and also, what a snoozefest) and resolve all your trauma history that’s getting in the way of fully accepting love into your life (ahem, having trauma ≠ being unlovable) and most likely BUY THIS COURSE FOR $149.97 TO HEAL YOURSELF INTO THE BEST RELATIONSHIP YOU’LL EVER HAVE, then you’ll find your person and it’ll be honeymoon vibes with zero conflicts forever. 

Besides that being a load of crap that consumerism needs you to believe so that love coach hacks on TikTok can make money off your desperate heart, it’s just not how it works. We heal inside of relationships, not outside of them. The most important relationship work you’re going to do is with a caring partner that’s decided to go on a healing journey together. So don’t fall for the scam. You’re healed enough at this very moment to start a healthy relationship. Promise.

2. If they wanted to, they would.

Hey, guess what, I officially changed it to “If they had the bandwidth for it, they would.” Because the phrase “If they wanted to, they would,” lacks compassion and understanding. How many times have you wanted to do something but you just couldn’t? Maybe it was because you were paralyzed by fear, gripped by anxiety, or had absolutely no idea how to get from point A to point B. There are plenty of valid reasons that get in the way of doing something that you really want to do, which could include showing your love to someone you care about. 

Sure, if this is someone brand new and they’re doing the least, it’s possible they’re just not that into you. But if this is your partner or someone who has otherwise shown interest in being there for you, it’s possible they’re struggling and simply don’t have the bandwidth to meet your needs.

So instead of being like, “red flag!” and then pulling away, ask them again to meet your needs when they have more emotional capacity and offer them support if they’re struggling with something because, you know, you’re a caring and compassionate person who doesn’t quickly judge someone on their instant ability to meet your needs.

3. Never chase, only attract.

I mean, it is BRAT GIRL SUMMER so go off, manifestation queen. But once you come back to reality, you may want to decide to put in, oh I dunno, maybe just the slightest bit of effort when going after a partner you want? I understand the sentiment here and it’s not the worst one I’ve ever seen. You don’t wanna be the one desperately chasing someone who’s not the least bit interested in you. I support that. But sitting on your butt without putting an ounce of effort into going after what you want is equally silly.

The “never chase” rule can make you come off as disinterested and hard to get. And if that’s your game, you’re most likely not going to attract healthy matches that are into babes that put in the appropriate amount of energy to make someone feel liked and wanted.

4. If you have to wonder if they’re into you, they’re not.

Look, I’d love to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly showering me with praise and validation and never gets swept up in life stress or has any other interests other than giving me reassurance about how lovable and sexy I am so that my ruminating brain never has enough time to wonder if my partner is 100% infatuated with me. But that’s not how life, or my psyche, works! Which is a real shame. Why hasn’t science done something about this yet?! 

In the meantime, if you want to be in a long-term relationship (and absolutely no judgment if you don’t!), you’re going to have to normalize the fact that sometimes you’re gonna wonder if your sweetie is into you. And guess what?! Even if they’re having doubts that day or that week, doubts are normal and don’t need to spell doom! Embracing uncertainty is a thing in dating and relationships, and not getting constant reassurance whenever your cute little heart wants it will set you free from constantly scanning for reasons you should question the relationship.

Even in the early stages of dating, it’s common to feel unsure about someone’s level of interest after just a few dates, and that’s not an immediate red flag. Just because the person you went on three dates with isn’t obsessed with locking things down yet doesn’t mean they’re not interested. Early dating is a time to get to know each other and see if there’s potential for something more. Jumping to conclusions can prematurely end something that might have blossomed with a bit more patience and open-mindedness. Embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the process of getting to know someone new without the pressure of immediate validation.

5. Always date multiple people or have a roster until becoming exclusive.

Honestly, I don’t hate this one. But I don’t love that it’s becoming a blanket rule for everyone, because your mileage may vary. My personal opinion and experience is that if you date multiple people at the start then it can lessen your dating anxiety and put less pressure on the whole dating experience. But that’s what works for me, and there’s no reason it should work for everyone.

Dating multiple people might cause confusion, overwhelm, and more broken hearts if you have to end things with folks that you’re just not into. The intention with this advice is that you might be less anxious if you’re putting your eggs into multiple baskets. So if that works for you, cool! But if that actually makes you more stressed, then maybe seeing one person at a time will quell your nerves. No hard and fast rules here. You do you, babe.

6. Someone with anxious attachment can never date someone with an avoidant attachment style.

This is bullshit. An anxious cutie can have a very happy and healthy relationship with an avoidant babe as long as they’re compassionate and understanding of the way they show up in a relationship and know how to communicate their needs and respect their partner’s boundaries, which just so happens to be the same skills that you’ll need to make any relationship work no matter what trending attachment style you identify with. 

Also, these seemingly opposite attached styles can make for a really healing relationship and allow everyone involved to grow and evolve in ways that might not be available if you date someone who is secure or has the same attachment style as you.

7. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Sure, loving yourself is great and can definitely enhance your relationships, but it’s not a prerequisite for being in a healthy and loving partnership. We often learn to love ourselves more deeply through the eyes of a caring partner.

Waiting until you’ve achieved some mythical state of perfect self-love before entering into a relationship can keep you from experiencing the growth and support that comes from loving and being loved by someone else. So, give yourself a break and let love in, even if you’re still working on that self-love journey.

The post 7 Toxic Dating Rules You Can Stop Following Immediately appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.11.24

5 Ways to Soothe Your Vulnerability Hangover

You’re gonna be fine! BySamantha Leal

We’ve all been there. You’re chatting with a new friend, or friend of a friend, or a coworker, and you find yourself getting into the details of your life. That vulnerability starts to feel good, and suddenly you’re sharing stories, experiences, or opinions that maybe you normally wouldn’t. Maybe it’s alcohol-induced, maybe it’s not, but you still wake up thinking, Shit. 

While you likely did nothing wrong, you may feel anxious about the possibility that you said too much. This experience is what’s known as a vulnerability hangover—and it sucks.

While it’s not a clinical term, a vulnerability hangover refers to the feelings of regret or discomfort that come after discussing something personal or intimate about yourself (see: being vulnerable), says Michaela Dunbar, PsychD, HCPC, clinical psychologist and founder of My Easy Therapy. “It’s like an emotional comedown from the high of connecting deeply with someone,” Dr. Dunbar explains. 

Even if you didn’t trauma dump all over the party or go into great detail about your sex life with coworkers, a vulnerability hangover can sneak up on you, says Jenny Wang, PhD, licensed psychologist and member of The Wondermind Advisory Committee. This feeling can stem from a fear of judgment or social anxiety, but it’s also a natural reaction to stepping out of your comfort zone with other people, Dr. Dunbar adds. And sometimes this vulnerability hangover is piggybacking off an actual hangover if you’re also someone who deals with day-after-drinking hangxiety. 

Generally speaking, a vulnerable moment turns into a vulnerability hangover when you worry that your comments or actions were inappropriate or that they’ll change peoples’ perception of you, explains Dr. Wang. “Ultimately, when there’s a risk that somebody could withdraw connection as a result of what you share, it can trigger that hangover.” Unfortunately, that risk is almost always possible.

On top of that, some cultures and communities have very strong values that may impact how free you feel to be vulnerable, explains Dr. Wang. For example, in many Asian cultures, individuals believe their actions represent themselves, their family, other loved ones, and their community at large, she says. So the possibility of ruining an entire family’s reputation can make the stakes of being vulnerable feel so much higher.

Plus, if you come from a marginalized community, you might worry about vulnerability being used against you. You could feel like you have to be way more careful because you don’t get the benefit of the doubt like people with dominant identities do, says Dr. Wang.

Whatever the root of your vulnerability hangover, you don’t have to white knuckle your way through those feelings. Here, Dr. Wang and Dr. Dunbar explain the best ways to self-soothe and move the f*ck on. Let’s get down to it.

Ask yourself, Was that vulnerability or oversharing?

OK, so there’s a big difference between these two types of interactions. While vulnerability is sharing your truth with intention, self-awareness, and perhaps a hope for connection, oversharing doesn’t consider the context, boundaries, or comfort levels of others, says Dr. Dunbar. “When we’re vulnerable, we’re not sharing unfiltered thoughts without sensing the other person’s emotional state, their reactions, or their body language,” adds Dr. Wang. 

If you find that your ~vulnerable~ moment was actually an overshare, don’t beat yourself up, but it might be helpful to do a little damage control. Reach out to whoever you were speaking with and say, “Hey, I feel like I might have overstepped by sharing a little too much the other day, and I just wanted to apologize if I made you uncomfortable. Thank you so much for understanding, and I appreciate you.” That quick message can cut the tension you feel and hold yourself accountable for missing context clues in the moment.

If you didn’t overshare, keep reading.

Congratulate yourself for being open.

While giving yourself kudos in the thick of a vulnerability hangover might not feel natural, the truth is that it’s no small feat to share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and experiences with others. And reminding yourself that being open takes strength and is a valuable tool for making connections might  ease those hard feelings, says Dr. Dunbar. You were upfront with others about yourself or things you care about, and that’s a big deal, adds Dr. Wang. 

So take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back (literally or not), and celebrate doing a hard thing regardless of the risk, suggests Dr. Dunbar. Yay for you! 

Normalize the awkwardness.

While cheering yourself on can make you feel less cringe, you don’t want to bypass that feeling or other tough emotions altogether, says Dr. Wang. That’s because sitting with embarrassment, shame, fear, or disappointment can help you get to the root of why you feel this way in the first place. Good info to have, right?

Dr. Wang recommends asking yourself: What emotion or emotions am I feeling right now? What is it trying to tell me about the person I was vulnerable with, the relationship in general, or the context in which I was open and honest? “Each act of sharing is a step towards understanding ourselves and others better,” adds Dr. Dunbar. 

This exercise also enables you to normalize the big feelings that come with being vulnerable, which are, in fact, normal. As tribal beings, we’re highly aware of how other people might judge us, says Dr. Wang. But when we avoid vulnerability because it feels yucky and uncomfortable, we miss out on deeper connections and more meaningful relationships in addition to that other intel, she adds. 

Touch base with whoever you opened up to.

Even if you’re 100% certain that you didn’t overshare, you can still check in with those who witnessed your truth telling, says Dr. Wang. It’s highly likely that the way they perceived whatever you said was different than how you think they did. It may not have impacted them or your relationship at all, she adds. 

Dr. Wang suggests texting or just checking in the next time you see them. Try, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about what I shared last time we were together, and I am a little concerned that it might’ve impacted how you saw me or our relationship. Obviously, I would never want that to be the case. Did the things I said bring anything up for you?” It’s assertive, but keeps the dialogue open without calling out your worst fears right away. 

Consider your vulnerability bandwidth.

Again, vulnerability comes with amazing benefits like deeper connections, trusting relationships, and a sense of acceptance when people stick around after you get very honest. That said, it’s OK if you think that your vulnerability skills could use a little refining. After all, Dr. Dunbar says vulnerability is like a muscle that needs to be worked in order to grow. 

The more we use our past experiences to inform how vulnerable we are in the future, the better we’ll be at distinguishing when and with whom to share, explains Dr. Wang. That might even prevent future vulnerability hangovers.

Something to consider: How were you feeling physically and mentally when you opened up? When you’re well rested, healthy, and feeling engaged and purposeful in your life, then you’ll likely have more of a tolerance to do hard things like be vulnerable, explains Dr. Wang. 

On the other hand, if you’re sick, stressed about work, or generally feeling lost, your psychological tolerance is likely way lower, Dr. Wang adds. That can keep you from feeling resilient after sharing something personal. “We would almost expect that this might trigger a dysregulated emotional response,” she says. 

With that intel, you can censor yourself (or not!) knowing how it might impact you. Of course, in the end, vulnerability is still almost always a good idea. 

The post 5 Ways to Soothe Your Vulnerability Hangover appeared first on Wondermind.

WM | Lenovo Link Copied 06.13.24 Powered By

Digital Disconnect: When Your Online and IRL Personas Meet

How to be your full authentic self—even offline. ByWondermind

Many of us feel like we can be a little bit bolder and braver online than we can be in our everyday lives. But, for some people, that chasm can make it difficult to be genuine with the people closest to them.

Born from this insight, leading tech company Lenovo developed a first-of-its-kind social experiment using smarter technology and AI to bring life to the entire online personas of two Gen Z individuals as lifelike avatars capable of having an unscripted, natural conversation. 

The experiment facilitated impactful, heartfelt conversations between the participants, their family members, and the avatars with the goal of illustrating how smarter technology can support mental wellness. 

Why it’s easier to be ourselves online

The internet and social media have made it easier than ever to find like-minded folks and validating spaces. So, it’s no wonder so many of us feel a greater sense of safety and connection online than we do in our everyday lives. According to research from Lenovo and SWNS, almost half (49%) of Gen Zs say it’s easier to express themselves online than offline, but 60% wish they could have difficult conversations with family and loved ones in real life.

“Online spaces have been a safety net for some people to freely be themselves and be open about who they are,” says Minaa B., LMSW, licensed therapist, social worker, writer, and founder of Minaa B. Consulting. “You’re following people who are modeling for you what it looks like to exist in this identity without having to wear a mask.” And that can be refreshing if you don’t feel seen, heard, or accepted by the people in your immediate surroundings.

For many, compartmentalizing in this way is a safe and satisfying way to feel supported. That said, it can also hold you back from experiencing more meaningful connections in your day-to-day life.

“It’s great to be able to find an online community where you can show up as you are and be your free self. But I often find these people are also wanting the same level of belonging and connection in real life,” says Minaa B. “If you are not letting people know who you truly are, it’s possible you’re always going to feel exiled from certain communities because you’re not allowing the community to embrace the fullness of who you are.”

As part of Lenovo’s social experiment, one participant named Chinatsu was able to connect with her mother, Rie, in a new way. Rie was able to ask the avatar what inspires her, how her modeling career has evolved, and how they can have more open and honest conversations going forward, giving her a deeper understanding of Chinatsu’s online persona.

Lenovo made these conversations possible with a wide range of smarter technology, such as ThinkVision monitors, ThinCentre desktop PCs, ThinkBook laptops, moto razr+ devices, Lenovo’s DropCloud Storage, and more. These innovative Lenovo technologies and servers were behind the avatars’ ability to move, communicate, and function as a mirror of the participants’ online personas. Ultimately, the social experiment serves as an important reminder of the mental health issues impacting young people around the world and the ways that we can use technology more mindfully to bridge the gap between our online and offline worlds.

How to feel better showing up as your full self offline

Expressing yourself online might seem less intimidating because it’s easier to block, mute, or scroll away from unsupportive people and comments. In reality, it’s a lot harder to tune out that noise, but Minaa B. has a few tips that can help.

Seek out supportive spaces IRL. Look for groups and meet-ups that mimic the online spaces you feel safe in, suggests Minaa B. You could even ask your online connections for recommendations. Connecting with like-minded folks offline can help bridge the digital divide between your online world and your everyday life.

Practice acceptance. “You can’t move through the world hoping that people are going to make space for you. You have to move through the world learning to make space for yourself,” says Minaa B. That starts with accepting that not everyone is going to like you, accept you, or agree with you, “but that doesn’t shift the foundation of who you are,” she says. Reminding yourself of your inherent self-worth is key.

Enforce your boundaries. While we can’t exactly mute or block people IRL, setting and maintaining boundaries is the next best thing. Boundaries are all about following through on a rule you’ve set for how you want to be treated. For instance, you might set a boundary that if someone continues to bring up a certain topic after you’ve asked them not to, you’ll leave the conversation. Remember that you are not powerless, and you get to decide how you’re going to react in situations that don’t feel supportive, says Minaa B.

When big emotions come up, have a plan. Expressing parts of yourself that you haven’t shown before can be scary, so it’s helpful to have some self-soothing strategies to turn to. Minaa B. suggests deep breathing, journaling, or audio journaling to release some tension. If you’re the type to get overheated when you feel anxious, it can help to drink something cold or run your hands under chilly water to help bring down your body temperature.

Reach out for help. Tapping into your support system—whether that involves a therapist, a friend, or an online ally—can help calm you down and remind you of your worth when things get hard. If you don’t have someone to talk to, consider reaching out to the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741 to chat with a live, trained crisis counselor on a secure platform.

Lenovo partnered with the Crisis Text Line (in the U.S.) to provide funding and technology to expand access to 24/7 mental health support.

You can also visit LenovoWFH.com to explore the role technology can play in supporting a healthy digital balance.

The post Digital Disconnect: When Your Online and IRL Personas Meet appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.15.23

11 Things to Keep in Mind If You’re Feeling Behind in Life

No one knows WTF they’re doing anyway. ByAli Finney

Open your Instagram on any given day and you’re bound to find about 50 people doing cool shit or reaching life milestones you haven’t even thought about yet. Big jobs, cool vacations, mortgages, kids, it’s all there. So, yeah, it makes sense if you’re feeling lost. 

No matter how much you’ve achieved or where you find yourself, “if you compare, you despair—it’s just a fact,” says psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT. This is yet another thing you can blame on ~society~. Between the 30 Under 30 lists and the social media comparison trap, it can feel like we’ve turned life into a competition, says licensed clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. 

So how do you deal? First, experts want you to know that these feelings are fairly universal. “Many clients describe it as a ‘hamster wheel’ effect,” says clinical psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. You’re working hard but feel like you’re getting nowhere. 

Then, try to set that arbitrary timeline to the side, suggests licensed clinical psychologist Thomas Vance, PhD. “There were moments when I felt like I had gone down the wrong path; I hadn’t ‘started life’ yet, and I needed to catch up,” he says. “Over time, I realized that ‘fast is not always good’ and that ‘life is a journey, not a destination,’ meaning that we are all on our path and that there is no time clock for one’s growth.”

That’s solid advice, but obviously it’s all easier said than done when you’re in the thick of a  what-was-I-made-for type of mood. So we asked these experts and people who’ve been there for some helpful reminders that anyone feeling lost or behind in life needs to hear. It might not cure your existential or mid-life crisis, but it’s a solid start. 

1. Failure is just part of the process.

“A common misconception is that success is a linear, failure-free journey, which is not true. When we’re trying to achieve our life goals, we will come across setbacks, and overcoming adversity is necessary for growth and building mental and emotional resilience. If you are trying to succeed in life, it’s important to be open to obstacles. When they come up, remember you can do hard things.” —Minaa B., LSW, mental health educator, and author of Owning Our Struggles.

2. Let your interests guide you.

“When we compare our progress in life to others, we can sometimes bypass ourselves, our interests, desires, goals, and dreams to stay on the well-marked path. But if this path is not aligned with who you are, it becomes routine and mundane and we begin to resent it. If we work toward goals that allow us to feel a connection between our talents and overall purpose in this world, we will feel fulfilled even with the bumps along the way.” —Dr. Wang

3. Do something nice for yourself.

“When I’m feeling existential about my goals and how far I am in life, I do something that makes me feel good and less stressed out. Instead of being paralyzed or overwhelmed by the fear of being left behind, I use it as an opportunity to alleviate that angst.” —Paige W., 45

4. Lend a hand to someone else.

“I know it seems counterintuitive to give up time when I feel like life is passing me by, but there’s nothing quite like helping my friends or a stranger to remind me of my skills and talents.” —Erica S. 28

5.  Normalize comparison, and then forget it.

“It’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but it can make us feel inadequate and prevent us from growing. Instead of focusing on how far along others are, concentrate on setting personal goals based on your values and aspirations (not anyone else’s). Then, try to find some gratitude for your journey and accomplishments.” —Dr. Vance

6. Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

“Take note of how you feel in your body when you see posts from individuals you know personally or individuals you follow on social media who navigate life in a way that excites you. Ditto if you meet them in person. If you feel expanded and energetic, that might be a sign that you can or want to accomplish goals similar to theirs in the future. Spending time with them or with their content may help encourage you.” —Dr. Polyné 

7. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

“There are so many successful people in my industry who are the same age or younger than me making bank, publishing books, or running entire brands. That can be a real mind fuck. But before I can spiral too far, I remember that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. And who’s to say I won’t be just as successful as those people in the future?” —Ashley O., 33

8. Just existing is impressive.

“It’s great that activists and entrepreneurs exist and are all about chasing their passions, but my life isn’t any less important or valid because I’m content prioritizing values like safety! financial security! And, like, realizing stuff! IMO, that’s a way more reliable and less intimidating way to exist than a vague guiding light.” —Anonymous 

9. Throw a damn party for paying your rent on time

“When you’re only focused on what you have yet to accomplish, it impacts your self-worth. So by focusing on what you’ve already done, no matter how big or small, you’re honoring your resilience. That’s why celebrating yourself is key!” —Dr. Polyné

10. Focusing on results sucks.

“A lot of us adhere to a results-oriented outlook on life. That’s when you feel like you have to have the right answers all of the time, those answers have to come quickly, and they must be diligently followed. When you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes, you can become unforgiving of yourself, controlling, and perfectionistic. You can also rely on others for approval rather than yourself. Instead of subscribing to that unsustainable lifestyle, remember that good things come via growth. You don’t always have to have the answer.” —Tsilimparis

11. Being happy is enough.

“When I’m happy and enjoying where I’m at, that’s great! I just continue to enjoy it. If not, I look for opportunities to find happiness and set goals that will get me there.” —Kelly L., 31

The post 11 Things to Keep in Mind If You’re Feeling Behind in Life appeared first on Wondermind.