Stories Link Copied 03.13.25

How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much”

…and made more meaningful connections. BySamantha Feher

I think it was “talks too much in class.” That was the first time I’d ever considered that more wasn’t always better.

Growing up, every ride to school was a live Grouplove concert, complete with air guitar and invisible microphones. Easter egg coloring was an extreme sport. “More” was the name of my family’s game, and I wore my team colors proudly—on my heart and on my sleeve.

So I talked too much in class. That I could live with. The demerit came padded with friendship bracelets and birthday party invitations. 

But as the years went by, “too much” became something to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I’d hear people describe me as, “She’s…a lot.” The label, side-eyes, and snarky comments started to sting.

Eventually, I learned that it was more desirable to be “less.” Those who were “less” were invited to parties and asked to dances. So, by the time I got to college, I wore a “chill girl” mask so convincing I even had myself fooled. 

I dated one untameable boy after another (they all thought it was their idea) and joined the cool, we-barely-care sorority. I felt like a fraud, but it was better to feel like a fraud than a spectacle.

One boyfriend stuck around right up until graduation. He’d fallen in love with the chill girl, but he could see the cracks in my mask. He was quick to call them out—in front of friends, family, and strangers—any chance he got. 

One time, I made the mistake of shouting an answer at a rowdy trivia night, and he loudly told me to shut up and stop begging for attention. His friends pulled me aside to apologize on his behalf. The third (or was it fourth?) time we broke up, he said it outright: I was “too much.” What remained of the mask shattered. And thank goodness. 

Six years, 122 therapy sessions, four jobs, three boyfriends, and two apartments later, I’m unapologetically, shamelessly myself. 

I talk a lot in an effort to relate and connect with people through shared experience. I overexplain my intentions so I’m not misunderstood. I want to be heard, so I raise my volume. I’m forward and enthusiastic in a way that sometimes makes other people uncomfortable.

While I work to avoid being perceived as self-absorbed or even rude, I’m just being me. I think most of the “too much” girlies (or anyone who’s been labeled this way) can relate to all that. We’re not shy or placid or “chill” by nature, and sometimes people are put off by our strong personalities. It happens. But it doesn’t mean we’re too much. 

I sing (badly) at karaoke bars full of strangers. I belly laugh loudly and unabashedly. I cry when the tears come, whether it’s someone else’s definition of the right time and place or not. I tell people I love them every time they leave a room because I do. I dance in public, hug people the first time we meet, and call them afterward to see if they want to hang out sometime. I follow first on Instagram. I quadruple-text. I ask, “What are we?” I order another round. I ask the waitress her name. I remember it.

I found people who love me for me. And I’ve learned to embrace the parts of myself I used to think were flawed. Here’s how I did it.

I fell in love with myself.

After that college breakup, I was tempted to double down on my chill facade. But I was exhausted. I was tired of playing contortionist with my personality, constantly trying to fit it into too-tight spaces. Tired of withholding every opinion, every anecdote. Tired of nodding and smiling and laughing (quietly, of course) at the right times and never sharing in return. Tired of being nothing but a receptacle for other people to talk at or a prized accessory.

So, instead, I let go. All the me I’d been pushing down came flooding out of my every pore. It was easier than I thought. Pretending took years of curation, practice, and discipline—kicking myself for too-loud laughs and too-forward questions. Giving myself pep talks in the mirror before an event, promising my reflection that I’d be quiet and accommodating. But after I quit pretending, I discovered that being myself wasn’t hard at all.

It felt like going home. Growing up, I didn’t know anything else—I was me all the time, and I was celebrated for it. But my inner child hadn’t been seen or heard in ages. So when I held her again, she was starved for affection. I reminded her to take up space, to be vulnerable, and to be proud of her zeal for life. Taking care of her felt like the first deep breath after a head cold.

When that little girl was back on her feet, I felt a shift. Survival mode evolved into equilibrium. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I realized, for the first time, that there was room for more of me. 

So I honored my curiosity, saying yes to everything that came my way—even the things I would’ve been shamed for in the past. I filmed funny videos to share online (“attention-seeking”). I did a stint on reality TV (“desperate”). I started a podcast (“nobody asked for this”).

I learned that there is no upper limit on joy and fulfillment. With permission to take up space, I saw a version of myself I was proud of, even impressed by. This one is earnest and passionate and loud and brave and happy—and I fell in love with her.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me.

In high school and college, life was a popularity contest. Were you invited to your favorite frat’s mountain weekend? Did you have a group of friends to pregame the date party with? How many people said hi to you in the library today? 

As such, I entered adulthood thinking that my value was measured by the number of people who loved me.

If I was “too much,” it meant I was too annoying, too emotional, too exhausting to be around all the time, and people would leave. So I spent a lot of time learning how to rein in my personality just enough to make people comfortable. 

I was so swept up in my efforts to make people like me that I rarely stopped to consider whether I liked them.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that, for the most part, I didn’t. Maybe I liked the idea of them (or the idea of them liking me), but these were not people I admired. They were judgy sorority girls, snarky coworkers, and douchebag guys with commitment issues. They made me feel bad about myself, like I needed to change to feel welcome. That’s not the kind of person I want to be or be around.

I started thinking about how other people made me feel, shedding the frenemies and situationships that made me feel small, unworthy, or stupid just for being myself. And when I met someone new who made me feel good—safe, loved, wanted—I held them close. I directed my time and energy toward those relationships because what you water grows. I wanted to grow that feeling forever.

Now, many of my friends have big personalities like mine. But the ones who don’t actually appreciate a big personality in a friend. I can help carry the mental and emotional load at social engagements, bring the energy, and articulate complicated or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We fit like puzzle pieces.

I found community.

Today, I see and love myself for who I am—not who I think I should be. So, in a turn of events my elementary school report card no doubt manifested, I decided to make “talks too much in class” my full-time job. I’m leaning into my big personality.

When people come across me on TV, hear my podcast, or find my videos on their social media feed, they get what they see—in all my honest, extra, vulnerable, nonlinear glory. 

Of course, there are people who don’t like it. There always will be. But there are more who are curious and open, for whom my journey resonates deeply. 

For those people, my content is not a broadcast; it’s a dialogue. We trade stories, struggles, joys, learnings, and heartache. Connection is our currency, and the community just keeps growing.

If I can give you one piece of advice: Feel your big feelings and share them. Make space for others. Cherish them. Talk more. If you’re loud enough, you might just be heard all over the world.

The post How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.06.25

10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure

1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. ByLauren Del Turco Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem. 

So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”

Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks. 

Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.

Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can  learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.

1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.

“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.

2. Find the lesson in comparison.

You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your  dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.

There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.  

The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.

3. Don’t let criticism crush you.

Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally. 

Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!

Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable. 

4. Prove your insecurity wrong.

This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”

You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!

5. Flip the script on self-talk.

Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs,” Dr. Hayes says. “Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you’re feeling insecure.

6. Start asking questions.

When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.

First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.

Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?

Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort. 

Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.

7. Check in with your people. 

When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.  

When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured. 

Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make  you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.

8. Remind your body that you’re good.

Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.

9. Take note of the positives.

Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.

10. Explore the root of the issue.

If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”

Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes. 

The post 10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit

Pregame your next function with these tips. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s rare to find someone who never feels nervous speaking in front of a crowd or making small talk with strangers at a party. (Though, if that’s you, please tell us your secrets.) We all want to make a good impression and genuinely connect with people. That said, if anxious thoughts and feelings become all-consuming, you might be dealing with social anxiety or social anxiety disorder.

ICYMI, social anxiety exists on a spectrum, meaning this is something you can experience a little or lot, even if you don’t fit the criteria for social anxiety disorder. Generally speaking though, if you fear being judged or rejected by others, replay slip-ups in your head, and alter your life to avoid people—and this has been going on consistently for at least six months—you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or you’re just sick of feeling anxious in pretty much every social situation, there are lots of ways to deal with social anxiety. Here, we asked people to share what’s in their social anxiety toolkit. Feel free to borrow their tools for your next dinner party. 

1. A book that breaks down the benefits of being social

“Just like there are books about how to be a better parent or run a better business, there are books about how to be a better friend,” says Smiley Poswolsky, speaker and author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness. 

If your social anxiety gets in the way of making and keeping strong friendships, it might be time to take a beat and explore why these relationships can be such a boon for your health and happiness.

He recommends The Art and Science of Connection by social scientist Kasley Killam, MPH. In the book, Killam lays out why fostering meaningful relationships and prioritizing community boosts your physical and mental well-being. She unpacks the science behind human connection and offers practical tips to help you mingle, chat, or bond better with just about anyone.

2. Meditations that help you be nicer to yourself

If your self-talk sounds like a bully every time you’re getting ready to go be social, cultivating some self-compassion can help manage social anxiety, says Killam (author of the newsletter Social Health With Kasley Killam). 

Killam explains that, back when she struggled to open up to other people, self-compassion meditations taught her how to be kinder and more accepting of herself. That enabled her to become more comfortable around others, she explains. 

And that tracks: When you don’t hold yourself to super high standards or unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to be yourself. Plus, a self-compassion practice can remind you that you’re awesome. That self-esteem boost might make you more likely to believe others think you’re awesome too. All of this can be especially helpful for people with social anxiety. 

If you’re down, Killam recommends these free self-compassion meditations and exercises from researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, as a helpful starting point. 

3. Putting your anxious thoughts on trial

Social anxiety can seriously distort your self-image by fueling the idea that you’re too much or not enough compared to others. So, if your social anxiety has done a number on your self-esteem, Melinde Huez, a confidence coach and host of the podcast Behind the Layers, recommends these journal prompts to flip the script.

1. Write down the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Focus on the ones that carry the most weight. For example: My friends don’t actually like me, I’m not interesting enough to hold good conversations, or, People think I’m weird.
2. Then, write down what you wish you believed about yourself. It could be, My friends love to spend time with me, I ask thoughtful questions, or I make people feel good.
3. For the next couple of weeks, jot down the moments that back up those aspirational beliefs. Did your friends invite you to hang out this week or accept your invite? Did you have a nice conversation with someone new? Did someone thank you for being kind? Over time, you’ll likely notice those positive beliefs are more realistic than you thought. 

4. Convincing yourself you’re actually excited

Anyone who’s ever been told to just “relax” knows this: It’s impossible to calm down when social anxiety jitters hit. So, instead of trying to white-knuckle your way to calm, reframe that energy as something more joyful, says clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety and the newsletter How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. “It’s hard to slow a racing heart and jangling nerves, even when we tell ourselves to calm down,” Dr. Hendriksen explains. 

She points to a study in which participants sang Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ karaoke-style in front of a researcher. Right before they hit the stage, they were told to say one of five different statements: I am anxious, I am excited, I am calm, I am angry, I am sad. Others were asked to say nothing at all.

The “I am anxious” group performed the worst, while the “I am excited” group put on the best show. Why? Before a high-pressure moment, your body revs up. “So, rather than trying to change our physiology, we can change our mindset.” Saying you’re excited helps you believe it, and makes the anxiety-inducing task feel less like a threat and more like a fun opportunity. 

5. Setting a timer

Sarah Wilson is the author of First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, a book that explores her experience with anxiety and bipolar disorder. As a speaker, she knows what it’s like to “turn it on” around others. “I can go out with one or two people and love it. And I can do a presentation on stage in front of 3,000 people,” she says. But she’s also faced the other end of the spectrum: feeling panicky at a party and wanting to leave immediately. 

When that happens, Wilson tells herself, “This is only going to last about 15 minutes. Let’s sit through it. Let’s do this once. Let’s laugh at it.” When it’s over, you’re free to head out—but you might actually feel OK sticking it out for a bit longer.

6. Facing your fears at improv

Hear us out: An improv class might sound emotionally hellish, but it might be just the thing that helps you deal with your social anxiety, says clinical psychologist and friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.

During improv, you might be asked to participate in group games or exercises that feel silly, nonsensical, and yep, a little awkward (see: anxiety-inducing). Still, these scenarios can help you become a better listener, build confidence in a playful and creative environment, and learn to just go with it. “Having finally followed through on a personal goal and registered in an improv course myself, I can attest to the fact that it’s an incredible opportunity for self-reflection and growth,” Dr. Kirmayer says.

7. An affirmation that shifts the spotlight

Keeping an easy-to-remember affirmation in your back pocket can be a game-changer when you’re feeling tense or tongue-tied. Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for our Friendships and host of the podcast Friend Forward, often gives this one to her clients with social anxiety: Curiosity over performance.

“So much anxiety comes from being fretful over the unknown, so we try to make up for that uncertainty by planning, scripting, and performing,” she explains. But these habits tend to do the opposite of what you want (less fun, less genuine connection). So, when you chat with people, take the focus off yourself by being curious. “Ask questions,” Jackson says. Prioritizing curiosity about the other person over your own performance can help you feel less anxious while also making room for you to be surprised and delighted by whoever you’re talking to. 

8. This much-needed pep talk

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it might be you: Perfection is the enemy of the good—and rarely a catalyst for connection, says Dr. Kirmayer, who is part of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. Because a lot of social anxiety is rooted in the fear of being judged, those dealing with it often feel a deep need to appear perfect. But, unfortunately, that internal pressure to be flawless just backfires, she explains. 

So put a note in your phone or a sticky note on your computer reminding you that perfection gets in the way of connection. “We’re drawn to people who are real, who make mistakes, and who are a little quirky,”  Dr. Kirmayer says. “We don’t need perfection in others; we crave authenticity.”

9. Telling your inner critic to eff off 

So, you stumbled over your words, overshared at brunch, or cracked a joke that didn’t land. Now you’re replaying the situation in your head and can’t stop sinking into your personal sea of embarrassment. 

When your mind won’t stop ruminating on the bad, social anxiety and confidence coach Bianca Curley recommends ID’ing one good thing that came out of the interaction or event. Then, tell your inner critic, “At least I did it,” or “At least I tried.”

And when all else fails? Tap a literal “F*ck it!” button. For $12, it’ll always be there to tell you what’s up. As she notes, “Take the seriousness out of it—make light of the situation!”

The post 9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit appeared first on Wondermind.

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5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues

Whether the criticism is coming from yourself or a judgey relative, here’s how to help silence them. ByAnna Borges

As a person with a history of body image issues, I always brace for the usual suspects when looking at old holiday pictures—judgmental thoughts about my appearance, embarrassment about how I looked compared to others, and maybe even some frustration over how much my body has changed since then. But the main thing I feel? Bummed. Because…well, I’m not in that many photos at all. And despite all my past fears that Future Me would cringe at the snapshots later, it turns out my biggest regret isn’t about how I looked—it’s about the memories I missed out on making because I was so caught up in self-criticism.

I’m sure I’m not the only one whose festivities are regularly weighed down by discomfort and insecurity. “We live in a world with so much shame, and that does not stop over the holidays,” says Ally Duvall, senior program development lead at Equip and self-proclaimed fat activist. If anything, she notes, it often ramps way up—whether it’s your mom commenting on your weight, a guest saying how “bad” they’re being as they get a slice of pie, or your own inner monologue critiquing how you measure up to last year’s resolutions. And don’t even get us started on all that unhelpful “New Year, New Me” messaging. 

To help you navigate this season’s many body image traps, we asked experts to share some reminders that can ground you, push back against the noise, or simply give you permission to feel however you feel. Of course, like our bodies themselves, the exact message we need to hear will be unique to each of us. So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and—most importantly—remember that you (and your body) deserve kindness all year round.

1. Your appearance is not the most interesting thing about you.

The way you look might feel like the center of attention during the holidays, when family photos, social media posts, and unsolicited comments about appearances seem to be everywhere. But the truth is, what you see in the mirror says so little about who you are or the impact you have on the people around you.

“If you asked the people you love to name ten things they value about you, I can almost guarantee your body wouldn’t make the list,” Duvall says. “So why is it taking up so much space on yours? There’s so much more to who you are—you’re a complex, unique, and wonderful being.” 

When you catch yourself giving your appearance #1 billing in your mind, Duvall recommends interrupting the spiral out loud—say, by listing other things you love about yourself. But no need to whip out positive affirmations if they feel unnatural. Neutral statements—like, My body is the least interesting thing about me—work just as well, she says. 

2. You—and your body—have unique needs.

Holiday gatherings are rife with opportunities for comparison: how much others are eating, what they’re wearing, how effortlessly they seem to embody holiday cheer. “First, don’t blame yourself—a lot of comparisons happen automatically,” says Brittney Lauro, LCSW, lead therapist and clinical supervisor at Equip. 

That said, you don’t want to take comparisons at face value. For one, we rarely have enough information to draw meaningful conclusions in the first place. “At the end of the day, we’re only around people for a snapshot of their day,” Lauro explains. “We don’t know their full story, just like they don’t know ours.” For example, you might find yourself feeling self-conscious after noticing someone’s half-filled plate—but maybe they ate before coming, don’t like the food, or have their own dietary restrictions or relationship with eating that you’re not privy to.

Instead of fixating on what others are doing, remind yourself that your needs are valid and unique. “It’s wonderful that you’re eating more or differently than others because those are your needs in the moment,” Lauro says. And it’s not just about physical nourishment—enjoying “fun” foods can meet emotional needs, too, she adds, which helps you connect with the experience and savor the holiday. The same goes for stepping away from the action, choosing an outfit that feels comfortable, or sitting far away from your judgey Aunt Karen.

3. There’s no right way to respond to inappropriate comments.

Unfortunately, body image conversations don’t just live in your head—sometimes they come from those around you. From backhanded compliments to unsolicited advice, you might find yourself stuck in a conversation wondering WTF to say. The good news? There are many different ways to respond, and you can choose whatever feels right to you. “It all depends on context, like your relationship with the person, your comfort level with certain topics, and what you want to get into in that moment,” Duvall says. 

Generally, though, Lauro and Duvall both recommend having a few phrases up your sleeve—and practicing them ahead of time. These could include setting a firm boundary (“Let’s not talk about my appearance”), redirecting the conversation (“I think what you mean is you’re happy to see me—how’s work going?”), or even calling the comment out and starting a dialogue (“I’m curious why you feel the need to comment on other people’s bodies.”). Or you might prep a plan of action instead of a script…like how you’ll excuse yourself if the conversation gets too overwhelming. 

4. You don’t need to “earn” your food—or anything else you want.

The holidays are prime time for the idea that enjoyment has to come with conditions—especially when it comes to food. Whether it’s skipping meals to “save” calories, getting pressured into doing a holiday 5K before the festivities begin, or saying, “I’ll need to work this off later,” the message that you need to balance indulgence with restriction is everywhere. And it doesn’t stop at food. This mindset can creep into other areas too, like telling yourself you can only wear a special outfit, pose in pics, or participate in a tradition if you hit a certain goal.

So, in case you need to hear it, “you absolutely deserve to eat and enjoy your food—and every other part of the holiday,” says Lauro. What’s more, the rules and bargains you make with yourself can backfire. “If we’re entering the holiday with a scarcity mindset, we’re actually setting ourselves up to feel more out of control when we have access to the things we’re avoiding,” she explains. In other words, instead of freeing you to enjoy the day “without guilt,” you’ll probably wind up even more preoccupied with food or your body.

5. You can ditch old traditions that no longer serve you. 

Let’s be real: Too many holiday traditions revolve around food, family gatherings, and other elements that can feel overwhelming or stressful if you’re struggling with your body image or relationship with eating. While it’s OK to hope for a time when you feel more at ease with these traditions, it’s just as valid to acknowledge that you might not be there yet—and to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, Lauro says.

Instead of forcing yourself to participate in traditions that feel uncomfortable, Lauro and Duvall recommend giving yourself permission to create new ones that bring you peace, joy, comfort, or whatever else you need this year. You might start a holiday movie marathon, host a cozy crafting night with friends, or volunteer at a local organization to connect with your community.

Whatever you decide—or whatever the season has in store for you anyway—one last reminder: You got this. “You’ve already made it through so many hard things, and you’ll make it through the holidays too,” Duvall says.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, visit equip.health for more information on eating disorders and their virtual treatment.

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Pro Tips Link Copied 11.27.24

Masking for Autism and ADHD Is Exhausting—Here’s How to Take Care of Yourself

Fight burnout, feel better. ByMolly Longman

For neurodivergent folks, the term “masking” refers to much more than just face coverings—it’s the common coping strategy that many people with autism spectrum disorder or ADHD use to mask certain traits associated with these conditions in an effort to downplay any perceived differences.  And, if you can relate to masking autism or ADHD, you know how taxing it can be. 

From sucking all your energy to messing with your self-esteem, masking has plenty of drawbacks. But, for some people and situations, the pros can outweigh the cons. Neurodivergent people might use masking to avoid bullying, judgment, discrimination, the loss of opportunities, and even physical danger, says psychologist Greg Wallace, PhD, an associate professor at The George Washington University who studies autism spectrum disorder across the lifespan. 

Masking can happen in public places, at work, or anytime a neurodivergent person feels unsafe or uncomfortable, explains Dr. Wallace. Sometimes it can mean making an effort to hold eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable, changing the way you speak, and shifting your body language or even your tone of voice, says Zoe Gross, director of advocacy at the Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Of course, because masking is a means of covering up your specific traits of autism and ADHD, masking can look different for everyone. 

Ideally, we could use a magic wand to build a more accepting society so no one would feel the need to mask. But, until we get there, it’s not uncommon for neurodivergent folks to turn to masking for things like impressing their boss at work, pacifying a cranky customer, or getting a drink at a bar. The important thing is that you take care of yourself before, during, and after, says  Valerie L. Gaus, PhD, a clinical psychologist who works mostly with autistic clients. “A period of masking is just like any physically or mentally draining activity,” Dr. Gaus explains. And just as you’d prep and rest after a run or painting your house, you should take care of yourself before and after masking, she adds.

If you find yourself masking frequently, these self-care tips from experts and people who get it can help you stay energized, boost your confidence, and prevent burnout. 

1. Meet your basic needs.

Like we said, masking can be exhausting. So if you want to fend off things like burnout or fatigue, make sure you’re doing the things that keep you afloat. Dr. Gaus recommends that people who mask prioritize sleep, make sure they’re not skipping meals, and stay hydrated. Meeting those small benchmarks can help you stay energized while masking and feel less drained afterward, she adds. “When you’re compassionate toward yourself, it frees you up to do more of what you want with your time and energy,” says Dr. Gaus. “Then, you can be more available for connection and sharing when you so choose.”

2. Optimize your downtime.

After masking all day, it can be helpful to find a safe place where you can decompress, says Jules Edwards, a writer and disability advocate with autism. Maybe that means skipping after-work drinks or the gym to head home. In Edwards’ experience, being intentional about how you spend your unmasked time can supercharge you after a long day. Think about what spaces and activities feel most energizing. Maybe it’s lying in a dark room or coloring in an adult coloring book. Maybe baths give you life. Anything that helps you feel more regulated or calm is fair game. 

3. Lean on community. 

Masking can make neurodivergent people feel ashamed of their traits or whatever makes them unique. When you’re constantly covering up who you really are, it’s easy to feel like you’ll never be good enough or fit in. That’s where finding people who understand can help, says Lei Wiley Mydske, the community outreach coordinator for the Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network. 

Wiley Mydske says that leaning on others in the autistic community has been a game-changer for them. “When you know a lot of autistic people, you come to the realization that you’re not alone.” And, they add, spending time with like-minded people helps them unlearn the shame they felt about masking: “At some point, it dawned on me, Other people mask too and it’s OK.”  

However you find community, spending more time with other neurodivergent folks can help you feel seen and heard. Social media and online forums are great places to connect with your people. You could join a Facebook group, follow folks with autism on Instagram or TikTok, or just chime in on a Reddit thread.

4. Find new safe spaces.

While online communities are a great place to find connections, meeting like-minded people out in the wild can be even more empowering, says Anita Robertson, LCSW, a therapist who works with ADHD-ers and has ADHD. You could join a theater club, go to a Renaissance festival, or join an improv group. Maybe not everyone there is neurodivergent like you, but your common interests can help foster a safe space outside your home. 

To be clear, you might not feel comfortable fully unmasking in these spaces (at least at first), but you might feel compelled to play with your boundaries more than you might in other situations. “The world can feel so rigid at times, but there are these beautiful, healing environments where people can begin to feel safe being themselves,” Robertson says. 

If you’re looking for a new third space, reach out to people in those online communities to see if there are any IRL groups they like. If their suggestions aren’t a fit, don’t sweat it. But it’s worth a shot, says Robertson.

5. Set some helpful boundaries.

Sometimes trying to blend in keeps you from requesting an assist when you really need it. Sure, it’s tough to ask for an accommodation without revealing your diagnosis. And that’s a problem if opening up about your neurodivergent status doesn’t feel safe. 

In those cases, Edwards suggests finding a middle ground: asking for help without disclosing your origin story. That could look like kindly requesting your coworkers send calendar invites when they want to meet (instead of just swinging by your desk). You can say you’re trying a new productivity hack you read about or you’re behind a major deadline. You don’t need to tell them you’re neurodivergent.

You can get creative coming up with accommodations that don’t fully unmask you—just make sure they’re relatively reasonable and help you in an obvious way. For instance, taking a lunch break away from your desk is probably a thing you can do without even asking. Declining an invite to the work happy hour is another one. If you’re unsure whether your self-imposed accommodation is out of line, check in with your boss over email or DM to get their take. Again, you don’t have to tell them you’re dealing with ADHD or autism. Just let them know it helps you focus, decompress, or whatever else you’re seeking.

6. Experiment with unmasking.

Finding moments to be more of your full self in front of others can feel fortifying, like a release, or even relaxing, says Dr. Gaus. It can also help you feel more confident, says Edwards. “Unmasking took time, but now I’ve found other neurodivergent friends who I feel safe around,” she says. “The more I was myself around them, the more I realized people love me for just being myself.” 

Plus, masking doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Start by asking yourself, Is unmasking in this environment going to help me or hurt me? Think about the short and long-term consequences. Is your physical safety at risk? What about your job security or even your self-esteem? 

If you’re with people you trust and you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, try peeking out from behind that mask, says Dr. Gaus. You don’t have to fully out yourself or put your neurodivergent traits on display if you don’t want to, but inching toward a more authentic version of you might feel pretty damn good.

The post Masking for Autism and ADHD Is Exhausting—Here’s How to Take Care of Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.15.24

How to Be More Vulnerable—And Why It Matters in Relationships

No, it doesn't make you look weak. ByKylie Gilbert

Vulnerability is one of those buzzwords that seems to be everywhere these days. We see it in headlines celebrating celebrities for being open about their health struggles. It comes up at work, where vulnerability is touted as a “soft skill” that can make us more effective leaders. And, if you’re in therapy (or watch one of the many popular shows about therapy like Shrinking), maybe you’ve heard that vulnerability is a superpower that can deepen our relationships. 

Sounds great in theory, but actually being vulnerable can often leave us with the anxious feeling that we’ve revealed too much (AKA a vulnerability hangover). Brené Brown, a leading researcher on the topic, has described vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” In other words, it’s not something most of us are super comfortable doling out to just anyone. 

So, why should we risk putting ourselves out there? We asked mental health pros how being vulnerable can benefit our relationships, and what it might actually look and feel like in practice (because, no, it’s not the same as trauma dumping). Plus, they share some expert tips for being more vulnerable—even if it doesn’t come naturally to you. 

What is vulnerability? 

“Vulnerability is our willingness to be open, honest, and transparent—even when there is potential for harm or rejection to come our way,” says relationship expert Morgan Cutlip, PhD. 

By definition, being vulnerable requires taking a risk and opening yourself up to emotional wounds—for example, you might be judged, misunderstood, or not get the response you were hoping for, says psychologist Jessica January Behr, PsyD. (According to Merriam-Webster, vulnerability is derived from the Latin noun vulnus, meaning “wound.”)

Of course, vulnerability can take on many forms depending on the situation and relationship, but at its core it’s about showing up as our true selves, “without hiding behind a polished version of who we think we should be,” says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. 

“In a romantic or sexual relationship, it might mean sharing your fears or insecurities or discussing your needs or desires,” Wright says. Maybe that’s sharing something you want to try in bed at the risk they’ll laugh or judge you. Or maybe it’s admitting that you felt insecure when you saw your partner talking to their attractive colleague at their work dinner—at the risk of them getting irritated or even offended.

With friends or family, vulnerability might look like asking for support when you’re going through something hard and you’re not OK, or opening up about something deeply personal, Wright says. For example, maybe that’s sharing with a parent or sibling that you’ve been struggling with depression—at the risk that they might brush you off or minimize your symptoms.

At work, it might mean opening up to your boss or coworkers about something going on in your personal life that’s affecting your performance—even if you’re worried that it might impact how they think of you and your work. You could also show vulnerability by owning up to a mistake or speaking up about an idea that feels risky but important to you, Wright says. 

It probably goes without saying that being vulnerable can be scary. “Vulnerability can often leave us feeling ‘naked’ or highly visible in ways that feel uncomfortable if we are not used to allowing ourselves to be seen,” says Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. “People often see vulnerability as a weakness to be hidden.” In reality, it’s quite the opposite. And, sometimes, being vulnerable can even feel freeing, exhilarating, and empowering, Wright says. 

Why is vulnerability important in relationships? 

Considering how uncomfortable it can be to get vulnerable, you’re probably wondering what the pay-off is. Here’s the gist: “While you risk getting hurt, you also give yourself the chance to grow closer to someone,” Dr. Behr says. It makes sense: If we aren’t able to let our guard down and express how we really feel, it’s hard to build authentic bonds or have relationships that go deeper than surface level, she says.

When you share your worries or fears, even at the risk of rejection, you’re also showing the other person that you can trust them with your innermost feelings, Dr. Cutlip says. And despite those worst-case scenarios you’ve worked out in your head, people often respond to vulnerability with compassion and empathy, she says. 

Vulnerability can also be a helpful, productive way to approach confrontation in relationships, says Dr. Cutlip. Instead of coming in hot with anger or resentment, taking a softer and more vulnerable approach can foster connection and intimacy and make the other person feel less defensive. 

Lastly, trusting someone with your emotions also shows that you’re a safe person to share with as well. This builds emotional reciprocity—one of the most important factors in any kind of relationship, Dr. Behr says.

How to be more vulnerable. 

If you struggle with sharing your emotions or allowing others to help you, you might need to strengthen your vulnerability muscles. Here’s what the experts recommend.  

1. Don’t confuse vulnerability with oversharing. 

“Vulnerability isn’t about oversharing or putting it all out there with everyone we meet—it’s about mindfully allowing others to see parts of us that are genuine and sometimes tender or sensitive or scary to share,” says Wright.

How to tell the difference? “Oversharing” usually happens when what we’re sharing isn’t appropriate for the type of relationship or the level of the relationship, Brown says. For instance, let’s say you have ADHD and are running late for a first date. Sharing the ins and outs of your diagnosis or current medications would be oversharing—you just met this person! On the other hand, Brown says, being vulnerable could mean apologizing and sharing that your ADHD symptoms sometimes impact your ability to be on time.

Vulnerability should allow the other person to understand you better but it should also strengthen the connection between you—this is a key difference with oversharing or trauma dumping, which tend to have the opposite effect, Brown says. 

2. Start small.

“Like any skill, getting better at vulnerability requires practice,” Dr. Cutlip says. “Start by sharing something small and meaningful with the person in your life who feels safest and most understanding.” 

For example, maybe instead of defaulting to “I’m fine” when a friend asks you about your day, you share that actually, you’re really struggling with negative self-talk right now.

This practice will make it easier to be vulnerable in relationships that aren’t your “safest.” For example, when your coworker asks how things are going on the project you’re working on, instead of pretending you aren’t drowning, maybe you’ll feel comfortable saying that you’re overwhelmed with the workload and could use help. 

3. Stop and think—then use “I” statements. 

When you’re doing it right, vulnerability invites people into your experiences and keeps them from going on the defense, Brown says. The problem is, we tend to use observations and judgments rather than sharing our own feelings and desires—think: “you feel” or “you seem” statements rather ”I feel” or “I want” statements. 

For example, maybe you’re unhappy with the way things are going with someone you’re dating. You’re worried about showing how much you care, so you send a nonchalant text like, “You seem distant. I’m guessing from how spotty your communication has been, you don’t want to talk anymore. I’m not sure how you feel because you never text back!” 

By avoiding sharing your wants or desires or opening up a conversation, you’re not being vulnerable or inviting it in return. Instead, Brown suggests trying something like, “I want to keep talking to you and getting to know you. What works best for me in relationships is consistent communication where we have some touch base throughout the week. I feel sad when you don’t text back because I want to hear from you. Is there a reason for that?”

Especially if you’re feeling frustrated or angry, stop and reframe before you speak—the most vulnerable thing to say probably isn’t the thing that pops in your head first, Brown says. 

4. Don’t wait for the right moment. 

You know how everyone always says you’ll never feel fully ready to have kids? Well, vulnerability is a bit like that too in that you may never feel completely comfortable before taking the leap. 

Rather than waiting until you feel fully ready, Dr. Cutlip suggests taking action before the “right” feeling arrives to build your confidence. Most of the time, she says, those feelings of readiness will develop after you take the first step. 

“Too often, we listen to the fear that tells us that vulnerability will expose us, so we should just be quiet or something bad will happen,” Brown says. When that happens, try to silence that inner critic, and remember: It’s normal to feel scared or a little cringe, Brown says. “Do it scared.”

5. Remember to listen. 

When we finally get something off our chest we’ve been wanting to share, it might feel like we should get a vulnerability gold star and pack it in. But real, connection-building vulnerability isn’t a one-way street. “It’s important to encourage others to be vulnerable back by listening as much as you share,” Wright says. 

Sometimes, vulnerability means asking hard questions when you are afraid of the answers, Dr. Behr says. Still, it’s important to listen. If you’re struggling to see the other person’s POV (for example, when talking about your differing political views), lean into curiosity. 

“Curiosity supercharges your ability to remain open, especially when experiencing conflict,” Brown says. “Curiosity is a powerful tool for vulnerability.” 

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