Pro Tips Link Copied 09.23.24

How to Believe in Yourself When it Feels Impossible

It’s tough out there, kid. ByIsabel Mata

At the start of my freelance writing career, I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to. I fearlessly reached out to my favorite publications, pitching stories I wanted to write for them. I dreamed big and went for it! But then the rejections started to fill my inbox. How can you believe in yourself when those “thanks, but no thanks” feel like a punch to the gut? I seriously considered giving up.

Life setbacks, like breakups, job loss, missed opportunities, health issues—or any kind of rejection really—can trigger self-doubt. Feeling down about yourself can also happen when relatively cool, exciting things bubble up, like running a race, moving to a new place, or applying for your dream job. Basically, the reasons to feel bad about yourself and your abilities are endless. 

No matter the circumstances though, there are lots of ways this mindset can show up, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, a Wondermind Advisory Committee member. 

One of them is measuring yourself against others and deciding that you’re less than them, says Tsilimparis. Maybe you see that your high school nemesis has a thriving real estate career, while you’re still trying to sort out what you want to do with your life. That can make it tough to believe in yourself.

Another common way insecurity shows up in the face of setbacks is focusing solely on our failures. It’s kind of like having tunnel vision. The possibility that you might not suck at whatever you’re pursuing or that you’re valuable in general may not occur to you. 

While you’d probably never tell a friend that they’re a terrible person because they didn’t get a promotion, it’s very easy to say that to yourself. This double standard, where we treat ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else, is extremely common in the face of adversity, says Tsilimparis. 

Despite the usual pitfalls of uncertainty, life transitions (good and bad) give us an opportunity to develop healthy coping skills we can use to believe in ourselves in the future, says Tsilimparis. Then, moving forward, we can tolerate whatever the world hands us with a little more ease, he adds. Voila! 

My healthy coping tool turned out to be phoning a friend. I reached out to a writer I admired to talk about my struggles and they said, “It only takes one yes to start your freelance career, so keep going.” This helped me push through the rejections, boost my self-esteem, and learn that setbacks don’t define us—how we respond to them does. 

Here, we spoke to mental health pros to find out the best ways to believe in yourself when you feel hopeless, doubtful, or just down in the dumps. Keep reading to find out how you can up your confidence now and prepare for future challenges like a damn champ.

1. Practice acceptance.

One of the hardest parts of experiencing a setback or going after a massive goal is getting bogged down by negative emotions and/or unrealistic expectations. That’s where coming to terms with whatever’s just happened (or didn’t happen) comes in handy. 

Instead of dwelling on that goal you didn’t hit or the next challenge in your way, try sitting with the reality of the situation. If you didn’t get the job, spend some time with that fact. How does that truth make you feel? Can you get used to that uncomfortable emotion instead of fighting it? It’s not fun to hang out with defeat or fear of the next chapter, but doing so helps you navigate transitions and challenges with greater ease. 

That’s because fighting those feelings or obsessing over how to change an unchangeable situation takes lots of mental and emotional energy. So, when you stop, you have more space to adapt and move forward in a positive way. 

Plus, acknowledging your experience enables you to accept the emotional pain as a part of life. Over time, that reduces the intensity of your response to setbacks, helping you manage them more effectively, Tsilimparis says. That practice is essential for believing in yourself and building confidence, he adds.

2. Challenge self-criticism with self-compassion.

While getting to a place of acceptance sounds great, it’s not always that easy. Sometimes, sitting with your emotions sends you into a spiral of negative thought patterns—and that’s not going to get you any closer to finding peace. 

So if you find yourself saying things like, “This sucks because I suck, and others don’t,” or “This will suck forever,” it’s time to fight back. 

While facing setbacks or a large goal can threaten your sense of identity, safety, and community, you can counteract these patterns by leaning into self-compassion, says psychotherapist Ellie Wilde, PhD. 

Here’s how it works: When you notice that your brain is throwing a lot of shade, take a pause. Then, ask if this judgey comment is truly realistic and/or if this is the way you’d speak to a friend. For example, if you’re hearing, “This sucks because I suck, and others don’t,” you can respond with, “Actually, this moment is hard, and everyone experiences tough times at some point.” This practice helps shift your mindset from self-criticism to self-compassion, making it easier to navigate challenges and maintain a more balanced view of your situation.

3. Lean on your support system.

Whether it’s talking to friends, family, or a therapist, external support can provide a fresh perspective and reassurance during tough times, says therapist Hallie Kritsas, LMHC. That’s especially helpful when you’re struggling to get out of your head or you’re beating yourself up since, as we know, it’s easier to give compassionate feedback to other people than ourselves.

When that happens, people you trust can offer encouragement, validate your feelings, and remind you of your strengths and past successes. Over the long run, that can help you gradually begin to believe in yourself. 

4. Do something fun.

It sucks to be bogged down in your own brain. And while it might feel impossible to enjoy yourself in the thick of The Situation, focusing on something unrelated (that you like doing) might shake you out of that “I hate myself” mindset. 

By going to a movie, starting a creative side project (pottery, anyone?), or just laying in some grass can make you feel less stressed about whatever you’re going through, says Kritsas. But if you don’t have the time or energy to take the day, making time for breaks to stare off into space or watch trash TV can create some small pockets of relief, she adds. 

When you’re not constantly ruminating on whatever’s stressing you out, you make room to feel good, which builds resilience, manages self-doubt, and keeps you grounded, says Kritsas. Love that for you. 

5. Give yourself a hug (it’s not that weird).

Aside from rebutting those rude, critical thoughts, self-compassion can also come in the form of physical touch, says Prerna Menon, LCSW, a psychotherapist and co-founder of Boundless Therapy. “If you are able to harness the power of self-compassion, you will grow to allow yourself grace, be curious in defeat, and feel resilient,” she explains.

That’s where the self-compassion hug enters the chat. When you’re feeling crappy, wrap your arms tightly around your body and take six or seven deep breaths. “Let the air fully fill your chest before you exhale, and make sure to hold on tight!” says Menon.

While it might seem simple (or even a little cheesy), a self-hug can help calm your mind and counteract harsh self-criticism by getting you into a more supportive, positive mindset. From there, it can be easier to build confidence and handle tough times.

6. Take a beat.

When shit goes down, it can be easy to let your negative emotions dictate your next move, says Tsilimparis. But feelings like anger, despair, frustration, and discouragement aren’t the most reliable (or rational), so following their lead might not get the results you’re after. 

For example, say you’re at work, and your manager gives you some constructive criticism on a project. If you’re emotionally reactive, you might perceive the feedback as a personal attack, even if it’s meant to help you improve. Instead of thinking, “This is a chance to get better at my job,” you might feel a surge of anxiety and self-doubt, leading you to believe that you’re not good enough or that you should quit. But taking a minute to assess the situation more rationally and respond in a balanced way can help you believe in yourself and work through whatever struggle comes up. 

7. Seek out positivity.

Generally speaking, people are wired to be more alert to negative outcomes and risks as a way to protect themselves against harm, says Dr. Wilde. After a setback, this negativity bias can make you overly cautious about new opportunities, they add. That’s kind of a problem if you’re going after a big goal. 

But by training your mind to notice positive cues—like small achievements, good feedback, or glimmers—you can significantly up your confidence and overcome negativity that follows rejection or failure. These positive signals reset your focus so you can start believing in yourself.

Start by keeping an eye out for positive experiences, even if they’re unrelated to whatever you’re trying to accomplish. Maybe the barista spells your name right. It’s a win! Perhaps your long-distance friend texts to check in on you. People love you! Maybe your boss compliments your latest project. You’re smart and capable!

8. Set SMART goals.

OK, you’ve probably heard of these, but hear us out. Breaking down big goals into smaller, manageable steps enables you to experience lots of little successes. That can build momentum, motivation, and reinforce your confidence in reaching a major achievement, says Tsilimparis. 

After you set out to do something major, see if you can make it even more effective by ensuring it follows the guidelines below.

• Make it specific. Define your goal with precise steps that are easy to understand. For example, “I will build my client roster,” becomes, “I will reach out to new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
• Make it measurable: Ensure your goal is easily quantifiable so you can track your progress. That might look like, “I will reach out to three new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
• Achievable: Ask yourself, is this measurement or benchmark too high? Too low? What would make it realistic given what the rest of my life looks like? 
• Relevant: Your measurable steps to achieving your goal should align with the big thing you’re trying to accomplish. So if your goal is to get a promotion, will having more clients get you there? Or is it actually not that important for the next professional step you want to take?
• Time-bound: Set an end date. What’s an appropriate deadline for you to assess your progress? If you’re not happy with your outcome, what can you do to move forward at that time?

9. Remember: This too shall pass

Even if it feels unchangeable, tough times are temporary setbacks, they’re not indicative of the rest of your life, says Tsilimparis. 

Sounds nice, but if you’re struggling to see beyond your current situation, journaling on past situations and how you overcame them can help you see that this won’t be forever either. Think about how you felt back then, how you dealt with it, and how long it took to start feeling better. This practice helps you reflect on past successes and reinforce your resilience.

If you’re in a spot where journaling just isn’t an option (or you don’t like it), you can also come up with a phrase that reminds you this is just temporary, says Tsilimaparis. Maybe it’s, This is a tough time right now. Or, I’m in survival mode, and that’s OK for now. You can repeat that anytime you’re feeling overwhelmed or knee-deep in self-doubt. You got this!

The post How to Believe in Yourself When it Feels Impossible appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.09.24

10 Signs Your Life Needs a Change

We’re not suggesting you burn it all down. But maybe a gentle refresh is in order? ByAnna Borges

I’m no stranger to the urge to overhaul my life. No matter how things are going, it hits like clockwork several times a year—around my birthday, on New Year’s Eve, whenever my loved ones are thriving in particularly envy-inducing ways, you get it. Heck, even back-to-school season sends me into a tailspin and I haven’t been a student in a decade. Sometimes I panic-text my friends:  “What if I get my masters?” and other times I google “underrated beach towns low cost of living please help” late into the night, but either way, I get restless if I go too long without humoring the idea of switching things up. 

But on the flip side of that are all the times that I find myself coasting through life on autopilot for months—or years?!—at a time, not entirely sure if things are actually good or if I’m just too afraid or unmotivated to make some moves. 

If you can relate to that push-and-pull between wanting to overhaul your life and wanting to avoid the topic of change altogether, then—congrats—you are probably definitely human. So, how do you know when it’s actually time for a change? And not just, you know, boredom or running away or succumbing to the societal messaging that says we should always be moving and growing and improving? 

First things first, a “change” doesn’t necessarily mean blowing up your life. 

No one’s here to encourage you to burn it all down and start fresh. Not only is that unfeasible and intimidating for most of us, but it’s also rarely the best first step even when we do want our lives to feel dramatically different. Baby steps, you know? 

Not to mention, the impulse to overhaul usually emphasizes external parts of your life when you may benefit from looking inward first. “Sometimes the change you need isn’t switching jobs, moving cities, or ending relationships—it’s a change in mindset,” says Belle Liang, PhD, founder of the Purpose Lab at Boston College and coauthor of How to Navigate Life. 

With that in mind, let’s talk about some signs it’s time to shake things up—internally or externally—and where to start if they hit a little too close to home. 

1. You can’t name your why. 

“Why?” doesn’t have to be a huge question if you don’t want it to be. You can break it down by areas of your life. Why do you spend your free time the way you do? Why are you with your partner? Why do you hang out with your friends? (“Why are you writing this article?” Dr. Liang posed on our call.) 

Digging deeper into “why” can help you identify your mindset, which can then highlight where you might need to make some changes. “What’s the compass you’re using to make decisions in your life?” Dr. Liang asks. If you’re coming up blank or don’t like the answers that come to you, it might be time to reevaluate and make some adjustments. 

2. Happiness is your #1 priority.

Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. But interestingly, in her research, Dr. Liang found a singular focus on personal happiness above all else doesn’t actually lead to lasting happiness. For one, people tend to confuse happiness with feeling good all the time, which isn’t how life works. “You wind up prioritizing avoiding negative affect and maximizing positive affect, but overlook a deeper sense of fulfillment,” Dr. Liang says.

Other ways this happiness-above-all-else mentality shows up might be: avoiding challenges or uncomfortable situations, seeking instant gratification over long-term rewards, and prioritizing personal pleasure at the expense of meaningful connections and responsibilities.

3. You spend your days on autopilot.

Don’t get me wrong, we can’t operate at 100% all the time. We have schedules and responsibilities to keep, and not every day can be one for the history books. But often, autopilot is a feeling of going through the motions and treading water. 

If you feel checked out more often than not, it could indicate that you need to switch things up so you can feel like an active participant in your own life. “When we’re on autopilot, we’re not exercising agency, we’re not directing our lives—we’re just passive,” Dr. Liang says. 

4. You distract yourself. A lot. 

Dr. Liang suggests paying attention to mindless behaviors—binge-watching your shows, constantly scrolling social media, or otherwise seeking out ways to get out of your head. 

For one, they’re things we do when we’re falling prey to aforementioned autopilot and short-term pleasure-seeking. 

There’s also the question of what thoughts you’re keeping at bay via mindless consumption. “Where there’s avoidance, there are changes and choices we don’t want to make—but probably need to,” says Britt Frank, LSCSW, neuropsychotherapist and author of The Science of Stuck.

5. You’re thinking in black and white. 

Always vs. never, every vs. none, easy vs. impossible—keep an ear out for absolute language that subtly signals you’ve fallen into some sort of pattern that isn’t working for you. “I’ll never find someone to date; my friendships always end in drama; none of my coworkers know what they’re doing—these kinds of phrases suggest we’re stuck somewhere,” Frank says. 

6. You often find yourself thinking, Ugh, why can’t that be me? 

Envy—the sense of wanting something that someone else has—can provide a lot of useful information when you pay attention. It’s easy to dismiss it as a negative emotion, but it can actually be a powerful indicator of what you desire or feel is missing in your life—aka areas of potential change. It’s not always one-to-one, of course. Seeing green when your friend gets a promotion doesn’t have to mean, “Time to work even harder for my own promotion!” It might say, “Wow, I wish I liked my job half as much as she does.” 

7. You feel like a failure unless you’re constantly winning. 

On the other hand, comparing yourself all the time might also signal you’re hyper-focused on success, rather than fulfillment and purpose. “It’s a scarcity mindset where there are winners and losers in life, and it’s another internal warning sign that things need to change,” Dr. Liang says. 

Envy’s not the only signal you’re seeing the world through this unfulfilling lens: Consider if you treat your life like one long self-improvement project, always asking, How do I succeed? How do I come out on top? How do I get better?

8. You’re disconnected from the world around you. 

You probably don’t need us to tell you that connections with other people are super important to mental health and life satisfaction. And unfortunately, it’s all too common these days to lack that sense of belonging. “People are disconnected from themselves, from each other, from their work, from a larger sense of purpose,” Dr. Liang says, noting that it’s a common source of dissatisfaction. 

She notes that this sense of disconnection can manifest in various ways, like strained relationships, conflicts, or a general feeling of apathy in your interactions with loved ones. However it shows up, something may need to shift to help you establish—or strengthen—vital connections, whether it’s putting yourself out there to make new friends, evaluating your current relationships, or putting in more effort where you dropped the ball. 

9. There’s just no spark, you know? 

We all go through phases where life feels a bit dull, but if the things that once excited you now feel like chores, pay attention. “You might feel meh, even if you have success, even if you’re surrounded by things you find personally meaningful—there’s just a restless, nagging sense that something is missing,” Dr. Liang says. 

10. Lastly, you clicked on this article, didn’t you? 

Not for nothing, but if you’ve started wondering if it’s time for a change, that’s a pretty decent sign that it is. You don’t need to wait to see CHANGE YOUR LIFE written in the clouds—your gut can tell you just as much. 

“If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know,” Frank says. “If you are content, I’m not here to tell you otherwise. But if you take an inventory of the major areas of your life and you’re not happy with how things feel, it’s time for a change.”

Great, I’m having an existential crisis. What now?

Deep breaths. You can start really small. “Even if you’re just switching up what you eat for lunch or what you wear when you work from home, that tiny change deactivates your brain’s autopilot setting,” says Frank. “You can’t make big changes on autopilot. But changing things up a little every day keeps your brain in manual mode where you have more power, more control, and more choices available.”  

Then there’s the whole…finding your purpose thing. Whether you’re asking, “Does my life need a change?” or “How does my life need to change?” your purpose is a solid north star, one associated with an overall sense of well-being and fulfillment in Dr. Liang’s research. 

Before you freak out, Dr. Liang recommends cultivating a more accessible “purpose mindset” rather than naming your One True Purpose. She encourages reflecting on what she considers the four elements of purpose: your character strengths, the skills you want to develop, the core values that you stand for, and the impact you wish to make in the world.

“If you know those things about yourself, those four anchors to who you are, you’re going to deepen the connection you have with yourself,” Dr. Liang says. The more in-touch you are with yourself, the easier it will be to recognize when you need a change and when you’re content with just the way things are, thanks.

The post 10 Signs Your Life Needs a Change appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.16.24

5 Ways to Give Yourself a Damn Break Today

Dooooooo lessssssss. ByAshley Laderer

Life really kicks your ass sometimes, so the least you can do is not add to the misery by being unnecessarily hard on yourself.  While sometimes you do need a little tough love, shame isn’t the only motivator for change, says therapist Abby Wilson, LCSW. Yeah, in theory, you could shit-talk yourself into “being better,” but that doesn’t feel as good as taking care of yourself.

It’s also a massive problem because basing your value on external factors, like productivity or pleasing people, can make you feel like you always have to prove your worth to yourself and others. Over time, that creates a very fragile self-esteem, Wilson explains.

Sure, it can be hard to scrape together self-compassion, especially when you feel like you’re missing the mark. But kindly acknowledging your mistakes and moving on allows you to maintain perspective about this very relatable human experience. “Mistakes are a natural part of growth and learning,” says therapist and coach Meredith Van Ness, LCSW. “By accepting them without judgment, you free up mental energy that would otherwise be spent on self-criticism,” she says. 

With all that extra mental energy you can better focus on what’s needed to relieve stress, support yourself, and problem solve, Van Ness adds. 

Finally, giving yourself a break when things get hard can help you bounce back from failures or missteps quicker than when you try to rise and grind through it. “Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself understanding and encouragement. This creates a sense of inner calm and resilience, making it easier to cope with challenges over the long run,” Van Ness says.

With that in mind, we asked mental health pros how to take care of yourself when things really suck so you can preserve your mental and emotional resources, maintain perspective, and move the hell on. 

1. Check the voice in your head. 

Cutting yourself some slack doesn’t have to mean doing less (though it can!). All you might need in a pinch is a mental reframe to help you feel a little better about whatever’s going on. 

Next time you’re hit with stress, overwhelm, or a nagging feeling of failure, tap into your inner dialogue and listen closely to what you’re telling yourself. If it’s straight up mean, think about whether it’s part of an ongoing pattern, says Wilson. Ask, How often do I think this way? What are the mean things I’m always telling myself? When was the last time I thought this way about myself?

Once you’ve got a sense of how often this happens, investigate whether these thoughts support how you want to feel about yourself or how you feel in general, Wilson suggests. Say, in a perfect world, you’d like to feel more confident at work. If, I’m an idiot, or, I suck, keeps running through your head, that’s unlikely to help you reach self-assured status, right?

Next, it’s time to reframe your negative thoughts into more kind, empowering ones, but there’s a caveat: You have to believe them. So come up with statements or affirmations that sound like you, acknowledge the difficulty you’re facing, and affirm your ability to cope, says Van Ness. 

For example, if your go-to is, This is impossible. I’m not good at this, opt for something like, This is a challenge, but I’ve done hard things before, so I can probably do this too. 

2. Procrastinate responsibly. 

I’m very sorry to inform you that we’re humans, not robots, and there’s only so much we can do in a day. That said, it’s easy to get swept up in hundreds of to-dos that seem urgently urgent. But do you really need to get it alllll done right now? Maybe not.

Say it’s a Tuesday and your work schedule is packed with meetings and assignments, plus you wanted to make that killer roast chicken from your Pinterest board tonight—and the supplies for your weekend project won’t purchase themselves. Oh, and what about that bathtub deep clean you’ve been meaning to tackle for months now? This is definitely the time to obsess about that too, right? 

If this is the inside of your brain, please take a step back to figure out what’s most important today or even within the next couple of hours. Maybe the goal is just to get through the last few meetings in one piece or turn one of your reports in by EOD. It’s OK to set the bar lower than you’d like. “Challenging perfectionism frees up our brain to experience more happiness and more realistic expectations for ourselves,” says licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

So cut yourself some slack and make a conscious choice to put off anything that’s not time sensitive, Dr. Hayes suggests. Instead of letting those lingering tasks haunt you for the rest of the day, assign new deadlines that are in line with their importance, adds Dr. Hayes. 

Maybe the roast chicken is a next weekend thing, shopping for your project happens during your lunch break next Thursday, and the bathtub cleaning commences on the following Saturday. Add them to your calendar for a future, far-less stressed version of you to deal with.

3. Vent it out.

When we shame ourselves for doing something wrong and secretly ruminate on it, those feelings can get stronger, says Wilson. “Shame thrives on secrecy and isolation,” she adds.

But if we lean on our support system when we’re feeling ashamed or down on ourselves, we often receive empathy, validation, fresh perspectives, and rebuttals to some of our most irrational thoughts, explains Wilson. 

So give your people a call, take your office bud to lunch, or send that five-minute long voice note to your friend who gets it. Venting to someone you trust and being open to their feedback can bring you back to reality, remind you that you’re capable of doing hard things, and hype you up again.

4. Write it down and rip it up.

Unfortunately, negative feedback and constructive criticism are a part of life. To make matters worse, we often remember way more of the bad things people say about us than the good. That’s especially true if you already have distorted beliefs about yourself (i.e., “I’m a failure”), says Dr. Hayes. 

So the next time you can’t stop thinking about someone’s negative response, write it on a piece of paper and tear it up, Dr. Hayes says. Ripping up those words on the page can trick your brain into feeling done with whatever was said. “It’s a physical manifestation of not letting those ideas stay with you,” says Dr. Hayes. This comment doesn’t get to define you—only you do.

To internalize the good things people say (or the kind things you think about yourself), Dr. Hayes recommends writing that positive feedback on a slip of paper and putting them into a jar on your desk. Then, whenever you need to take care of yourself, pull one out and read it. 

5. Let yourself be human.

A huge part of self-compassion is acknowledging that everyone messes up and experiences feelings of shame or unworthiness, says Wilson. No matter how bad you feel, it isn’t just you. 

Also, doing hard things and learning from negative life experiences (while being kind to ourselves, of course) is how we grow, says Wilson. Giving yourself permission to mess up, be human, and engage in self-compassion as you hit those bumps in the road helps us develop core confidence, she says.

So, instead of beating yourself up for a mistake, reframe it as a learning opportunity and a moment to take care of yourself. When you do, you’ll continue to evolve into the person you want to be rather than dwell on who you’re not.

The post 5 Ways to Give Yourself a Damn Break Today appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.08.24

How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything

Free joy available here while supplies last! ByLauren Del Turco

When you’re feeling lost or frustrated or stuck (or all of the above), it can be hard to find joy in life. Sometimes life sucks and that’s just where you’re at—whether your job is going nowhere, your dating life is laughable, or you’re reeling from setback after setback. When this happens, it can feel like there’s no possible way to get happy again. 

First of all, that scenario is totally normal. Garbage, but normal. In fact, our brains are pretty much wired to latch onto negative information, according to positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, MD, author of Everyday Vitality. At some point, this may have been helpful to our ancestors, who needed to be on edge about lions or extra concerned about fitting in to avoid banishment from their clan—but it’s definitely less than ideal when you’re just trying to get through the day without hating where you are in life.

And, second, the currently awful state of affairs in your life likely isn’t going to be your forever reality. It might be hard to believe right now, but you can baby-step your way out of the “I hate everything” hole and even feel good (gasp) about your current circumstances and where you’re headed. Here’s how.

1. Drop the pressure to be happy all the time.

Let’s clear something up right now: No one feels constantly amazing, and we’re actually not meant to. “Culturally, we’ve developed this sense that if we’re not happy or stress-free all the time, there’s something wrong with us,” Dr. Boardman says.

Like we said, it’s natural to feel sad, angry, worried, down, or like life sucks in general. The issue isn’t the fact that we feel these emotions but how we perceive them, says clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD, who specializes in helping people live according to their values. If you see any negative emotions as a sign of personal failure, you could feel ashamed on top of everything else. So pressuring yourself to be happy all the time actually makes you feel so much worse, she explains. 

By giving emotions that aren’t pure bliss a seat at the table instead of avoiding them, you’ll likely feel a lot less worn down. Repeat after us: It is OK to feel shitty.

2. Mine your misery for helpful info.

Once you get a little comfier with these not-ideal feels, you can start to see them as internal flashing traffic signs giving you some helpful direction.

On the most basic level, feeling like you hate everything (especially if it happens often) could indicate that your negativity filter is stuck in the on position, says Dr. Stern. If that’s the case, your inner world could likely use an assist in the form of self-compassion, self-care strategies, or a mental health pro to help you find a better balance between positive and critical thinking. (Just a heads up, it could also be a sign that you’re dealing with dysthymia, a long-term depression that’s usually considered milder than an episode of major depression.)

Of course, those feelings could also be indicators that something in your life desperately needs tweaking. When you feel like nothing makes you happy, take the opportunity to do some auditing, suggests Dr. Stern. Try to drill down to what feels the most wrong and what it says about the things that are important to you. If there’s a mismatch between your actual circumstances and your values, that’s info you can use. 

Say you’re feeling left out. It could indicate that close platonic relationships are a big deal to you. So, with that in mind, think about what you can do to prioritize those connections. Maybe it’s chiming in on the dormant group chat or sending a meme to the friend it reminded you of. See if you can kick off a new habit that makes friendship a bigger part of your everyday life. 

3. Do a reality check.

When you’re stuck in a negativity spiral, challenging your perspective can help too. Dr. Boardman loves using an exercise created by Martin Seligsman, PhD, director of the positive psychology center at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Start by imagining the worst-case outcome of whatever’s bringing you down. If your relationship just went up in flames and you’re scared you’ll be alone forever, picture your 70-year-old self surrounded by cats featured on an episode of Hoarders. 

Next, indulge yourself in the absolute best-case scenario, she says. Maybe you go all Eat, Pray, Love, meet someone amazing while stuffing your face with pizza in Italy, and live happily ever after. 

Then, find the middle ground. Yeah, maybe you’ll be single for a while. But you don’t even like cats and are OK with meeting the right person later instead of the wrong person right now—even if a whirlwind European romance isn’t in the cards. 

Silly as this exercise might seem when you’re in a funk, it can help you consider that your worst fears may be somewhat unrealistic, Dr. Boardman explains.

4. Take baby steps toward solving a bigger problem.

Weirdly, we often get stuck in the mud of our own misery because it’s easier to say, “Welp, everything sucks,” than do something about it, explains Dr. Boardman. If you feel called out, don’t judge yourself, but get curious: Are there things you can do to feel better that you’re avoiding? (Hint: Probably.)

Consider this your cue to come up with one or two concrete steps you can take (they can be so small!) to make the puzzle pieces of your life fit better. Maybe you don’t take on an extra work project right now, or you carve out 10 minutes for that hobby you love, or you reschedule a hang with a friend who’s been draining your energy, Dr. Stern says. These aren’t dramatic changes, but they might be the tiny shifts you need to make progress toward a happier existence. 

Plus, caring for yourself in non-fancy ways can give you a sense of authority over your life when everything feels like shit. Deciding to do the healthiest thing for yourself now (silence your phone after 9 p.m., don’t start that next episode on Netflix before bed, don’t skip dinner because you’re tired) can go a long way, Dr. Boardman says.

If you’re not sure where to start, think about your basic human needs that aren’t being met and how you can fix that. Feeling worn out? Check your bedtime and the last time you ate something that fueled you. You might find that the solution to your crummy mindset is easier to solve than you thought.

5. Do some good.

No judgment, but negativity ruts have a funny way of making you pretty self-absorbed, says Dr. Boardman. But even if you’re constantly comparing yourself to your seemingly super-happy friends, feel absolutely miserable at work or generally down bad about life, you’re not a selfish person. 

That said, shifting your focus from your life to others’ is a great way to climb out of a “woe is me” cave. “It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s one of the best antidotes we have when we’re in a dark place,” Dr. Boardman says.

It doesn’t have to be anything major. Pick up some garbage in your neighborhood the next time you’re out or help a neighbor carry their groceries inside. Itty-bitty good deeds can really make life feel slightly sunnier.

6. Call for backup.

When things feel bleak, you might want to isolate, cancel plans, or keep your business to yourself, but doing the opposite can shift the vibes. “We have this idea that happiness comes from within, and that it’s all about the individual,” says Dr. Boardman. Humans are social creatures, and it’s OK to need others. In fact, leaning on your friends and community is probably your ticket out of Everything Sucksville. 

So, as you’re finding little ways to show up for others, give your people a chance to show up for you! Ask yourself: “Who can you reach out to to navigate this challenge?” Dr. Boardman suggests. “Check in with a trusted friend or family member who is balanced, helpful, and supportive,” agrees Dr. Stern. “A bit of venting and a lot of problem-solving can pull you out of a cloudy, I-hate-everything storm.” Chances are, they’ve been there, too.

The post How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.02.24

5 Signs You’re Actually Going Too Easy on Yourself

Am I *checks notes* the problem? ByKylie Gilbert

We can all agree that self-care and self-compassion are good things that most of us could use more of, right? Cool. And yet! There seems to be a recent trend (on social media, in pop culture, and maybe even in your group chat) where people are self-caring a bit too close to the sun, leaving a scorched trail of social norms, life goals, and basic responsibilities in their wake.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-compassion, especially if your default mode is beating yourself up. Being kind and supportive toward ourselves when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate—just as we would a friend we care about—is a great habit. When we’re dealing with heartbreak, a health issue, or even everyday life stressors, practicing self-compassion enables us to recognize that suffering and setbacks are a part of the human experience, explains Kristin Neff, PhD, a self-compassion researcher and associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas Austin. 

Similarly, prioritizing self-care, positive affirmations, and sitting with uncomfy feelings without judging them are all fantastic self-love strategies, but…sometimes it can go too far. Always putting your needs first or letting yourself off the hook can really backfire—hurting your relationships and personal growth in the process. 

So, if you consider yourself a self-care connoisseur, you might be wondering if you’re actually cutting yourself too much slack. Here are some signs from the experts that you might be overdoing this whole self-compassion thing. 

1. You flake on things in the name of self-care.

 We’ve all heard the metaphor about putting your own oxygen mask on first. And it’s true that the more we care for ourselves, the easier it is to care for others, says Dr. Neff. Maybe that means muting your text notifications after 9 p.m. or rescheduling plans to recharge your social battery when you’re exhausted. 

But, as Dr. Neff points out, self-compassion is not about prioritizing our own needs at the expense of everyone else. When you do that, you’re conflating self-compassion with self-centeredness, says therapist Jeff Guenther, LPC, author of the forthcoming book, Big Dating Energy: How to Create Lasting Love by Tapping Into Your Authentic Self. 

For example, if you’re feeling burnt out at work, taking that bed-rotting day is a solid self-care strategy (a cornerstone of self-compassion), as long as it doesn’t require that your coworkers pull an all-nighter to pick up your slack. And if you really want to spend a night on the couch catching up on Bravo, by all means, do it. But maybe not on the same night you promised to be there for your friend’s big improv show. In other words, your self-compassion is problematic when it’s used as an avoidance tactic, an excuse to break commitments, or a way to bail on responsibilities instead of genuinely supporting yourself. 

If this kinda sounds familiar, ask yourself a few questions before you cancel on your next commitment: Does my self-care negatively impact someone else or require them to make a sacrifice? Am I ignoring or dismissing someone else’s needs or feelings? Sometimes the answer might be yes because shit happens and you’re only human. That said, if taking care of yourself means being unreliable more often than not, that’s not self-compassion.

2. You’re hurting Future You.

If your idea of self-care after a tough week is a bottle of wine or retail therapy with money you don’t have, you might be headed in the wrong direction, Dr. Neff says. Sure, these activities ~spark joy~, but they also have repercussions that can fuck with Future You. 

Because of that annoying truth, any “self-care” that’s more about short-term gain despite long-term pain is not earning you self-compassion points—even if you feel amazing while you’re doing it. After all, the whole premise of self-compassion is to be nice to yourself when you fail, not to set yourself up to fail in the first place. 

While you certainly don’t need to be the picture of health and good choices 24/7—that’s not self-compassion either—try to center your self-care on preventive measures that stave off stress, anxiety, burnout, or whatever mental health struggles you often face. That’s way more effective than attempting to put out a dumpster fire once it’s fully ablaze.

This could look like limiting your screen time so you’re not tempted to blow all your money after a bad day. Or maybe you could look for a job that doesn’t make you so frustrated and stressed to begin with. The closer you can get to the origin of the issue, the better.

3. You have a no-apologies policy. 

It’s always reassuring to remind our inner-people-pleaser that we don’t need to apologize for existing. But if we use that ethos to avoid apologizing in general (even when something is definitely our fault), that’s not self-compassion—that’s being a jerk.

Listen, you don’t need to hold yourself responsible for any minor inconvenience to human kind. However, balancing accountability with self-compassion means admitting when you did something that hurt or negatively impacted someone else, reflecting on that, and apologizing without beating yourself up about it, Guenther says. That last part is where self-compassion comes in.

Interestingly, people with more self-compassion can have an easier time saying they’re sorry. That’s because, when you’re extra hard on yourself for messing up, guilt and shame can make apologizing feel unsafe, explains Dr. Neff. On the other hand, Self-compassion pros know that “admitting a mistake doesn’t mean you’re a less worthy person. You’re just a human being,” she adds.

Maybe you lost your temper with your partner and said something rude or shared some news that wasn’t yours to tell. If you’re someone who doesn’t have “I’m sorry” in your vocabulary or feels so bad that you avoid those hard conversations entirely, remind yourself that you’re not a bad person for doing something you regret. See if the apology comes more easily after that.

4. You’re cycling through relationships. 

Maybe it’s pretty clear by now that self-compassion is not the same as being selfish. Still, if you’ve been confusing the two up until now, it’s possible you’ve become a “little island that nobody wants to be close to,” says Guenther. 

Harsh, but it makes sense. “When self-compassion turns into self-centeredness, you’re not going to have consistent, long-term, close friendships,” he explains. And if you do, they’ll likely be more surface level. After all, relationships require balancing your needs with the needs of those you care about (see tip #1). It’s a healthy give and take.

So, if you find yourself quickly going through romantic partners or sense your friends are pulling away, it’s time to focus on extending compassion to others. Make it a point to really listen to your friends when they’re venting and show some empathy. Ask them to hang out at a time and place that’s easy for them (and you!), and show up for them when they ask you to. Basically, treat them the way you would want to be treated.

5. You can’t remember the last time you did something scary or challenging.

When we think of self-compassion, we often think of the soft, gentle, and nurturing side, like giving yourself time to get over a breakup or being passed over for a promotion at work. That’s not the only way to do it though, Dr. Neff says.

The other equally important way to show yourself love is to push yourself toward your goals like a parent, coach, or mentor who wants the best for you. Dr. Neff calls this fierce compassion. When you make moves to protect, provide for, or motivate yourself to make positive changes, you’re also being kind to yourself.

If you’ve only been focusing on the sweet side of self-compassion, you might be limiting your growth. Sound like you? Dr. Neff suggests challenging yourself to do something exciting (and maybe scary). Start by reflecting on how you could be falling short of your life goals and then create a plan to go after them. Look into grad school, sign up for a race, take that solo trip, make small talk with your barista. Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short.

The post 5 Signs You’re Actually Going Too Easy on Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.18.24

5 Self-Discovery Tips Therapists Swear By

Consider this a crash course in…you. BySam Brodsky

We’re all just out here trying to ~find ourselves~, right? It’s very human to be curious about what moves you, motivates you, and makes you…well…you. Which brings us to the fun and sometimes frightening practice of self-discovery. 

The American Psychological Association defines self-discovery as “the process of searching for and finding one’s unique self or identity.” In other words, it’s everything that makes you who you are, like your personality, interests, goals, beliefs, values, and cultural background, says psychotherapist Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW. 

Yeah, there’s a lot of ground to cover. And because we’re constantly changing, it’s very unlikely that your journey of self-discovery will be wrapped up in a little bow anytime soon. Honestly, we all might still be discovering things about ourselves when we’re 80, and that’s OK. The goal isn’t to figure yourself out as fast as possible. So, what is  the point, and how will you know you’re on the right track? 

Self-discovery is important for your mental health and self-love for a few reasons. When you know what matters to you and you lean into that, you feel like you have purpose, says Dr. Martin. Also, knowing who you are means you can find people you share similarities with, says licensed psychologist Jeannette Craigfeld, PsyD, helping you feel seen and supported. According to the experts, you’ll know you’re getting somewhere when you find yourself doing more of what lights you up and you just generally feel more comfortable with how you show up in the world. 

All that said, self-discovery can be a scary or lonely place. You might not feel like you can safely express yourself to others or you might have a hard time accepting what makes you who you are. If that’s true for you, talking to a mental health professional—or even going to group therapy—might be something to consider doing, Dr. Craigfeld notes. 

But you don’t need  to be in therapy to learn more about yourself. You can do a ton of self-discovery work on your own, without the help of a mental health pro. Here’s how. 

1. Spend time reflecting on yourself—by yourself.

It’s easy to get caught up in what your family, friends, or society at large thinks is best for you. And it can sometimes be hard to separate those narratives from what you actually desire out of life. So, solo time can give you space to reflect on things that make you who you are, like your interests and values (which we’ll get into in a bit!), without feeling like you need to meet others’ expectations, says Dr. Craigfeld. 

While you’re by yourself, try journaling or thinking about these get-to-know-you questions from Dr. Martin: 

• What’s something I believe in strongly? 
• Am I a morning person or a night person? 
• What’s been the most meaningful experience so far in my life? 
• What do I like to do for fun? 
• What are some things I’m worried about? 
• What are my goals? 
• What am I feeling? 
• If I’m not feeling great, is there anything I need to do right now to feel better?  

You don’t have to ask yourself the same questions every single day, but if you haven’t reflected like this before, you might want to start by checking in more frequently (maybe once a week) before scaling back to once a quarter or even once a year, suggests Dr. Martin.

Really try to limit distractions while you’re checking in with yourself, says Dr. Craigfeld. That way, you have more room to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.

2. Notice how you are alone vs. with other people.

Listen, not everyone needs to see the deepest bed rot version of yourself. But it’s worth noting if you routinely present yourself (and your interests/goals/values) to others in a way that’s not totally aligned with how you really view yourself. So, Dr. Craigfeld suggests you start by imagining you’re spending the day in the house alone. What would you wear? How would you act? How would you spend your time? 

Then, think about how you present yourself when you’re out in the world and around other people, suggests Dr. Craigfeld. “Basically, how do you want other people to see you or look at you, and how much does that match with the person you are when you’re just you by yourself?” she says.

Even if you notice a mismatch, you might not want to change anything, Dr. Craigfeld notes. Maybe you’re not ready to let certain people in your life see the more authentic side of you. Noticing the difference might just be enough for you right now. 

But, if you do want to fix this disconnect, you can play around with how you physically express yourself—your hair, makeup, clothes, whatever—in front of others, Dr. Craigfeld suggests. Then, do the same for how you act. You can ease into this by starting with people you feel especially safe and comfortable around and lean into a side of yourself you wouldn’t normally show them, she says. 

3. Write or create something.

Creative outlets can be great pathways to self-discovery because they can help you explore what you think and feel without any input from other people, Dr. Craigfeld says. It’s just you and your writing or whatever it is you’re doing, she says. 

There’s also something about getting creative that can help you express what’s in your head when you’re stuck in an unproductive loop of thoughts, says Dr. Craigfeld. Creativity lets us connect with emotions in an easier, non-judgmental way because it’s not as filtered or censored as speaking out loud, art therapist Marygrace Berberian, PhD, LCAT, LCSW, previously told Wondermind. 

So if your self-discovery journey is feeling stalled, sign up for an art class or try out some painting or free-writing by yourself. You might be surprised by how into it you get, notes Dr. Craigfeld. 

4. Do a values audit.

Think of your values as the blueprint for how you want to dedicate your time or, as Dr. Martin notes, the “building blocks of who you are as a person.” Figuring out what actually matters to you—instead of what you think you’re supposed to do or what other people want you to do—is a way to tune into what makes you you, says Dr. Craigfeld. On the other hand, being disconnected from your values can make you feel unhappy and like your life isn’t on track, says Dr. Martin.

You can do a values audit by writing down what you’ve been spending your time and energy on lately and rating (on a scale of 1 to 10) how significant that stuff is to you, suggests Dr. Craigfeld. Then, you can set goals for what you want to be spending more (or less) time and energy on, she says. In other words, assessing what’s important to us can help us make choices that honor those things, says Dr. Martin. 

Another fun way to think about what you want to prioritize in life is asking yourself the following, courtesy of Dr. Craigfeld: If I could wave a magic wand, what would I want to change about my life? Who knows! That might mean dedicating more time to your family or finding a different job.

5. Give yourself wiggle room.

Maybe you literally don’t know the answers to some of these very big questions. Or maybe you feel like you have so many answers and you don’t know what to do with them—or if they’re even actually true to you. That’s when trial and error comes into play, says Dr. Martin. 

You can start by seeing if doing stuff that you used to enjoy still gives you the same feelings of joy and purpose it once did, suggests Dr. Martin. Again, what mattered to you in your teenage years might be completely different from what matters to you now in your thriving 30s, so don’t be surprised if you’ve changed, she says. But, also, maybe you still freaking love playing with animals, riding your bike, or connecting with people. 

If you’ve stumbled upon some vague realizations in your self-discovery journey—like, Maybe some spirituality is missing in my life—don’t be afraid to brainstorm and workshop around that theme, notes Dr. Martin. You can try out different religions or various places of worship within  a specific religion. Or, hey, maybe astrology ends up being more your vibe.

Finally, be patient and have some grace for yourself during this process. Remember that you are one brilliant, ever-evolving enigma on a floating rock in space, and there is no rush in figuring it all out right this second.

The post 5 Self-Discovery Tips Therapists Swear By appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 01.03.24

We Asked 8 Therapists for the New Year’s Resolutions They Totally Abandoned

Welcome to Club Fail. It’s chiller here. ByAli Finney

Around week two or three of January, the New Year, New You magic wears off, and we revert to being the same people as ever. We eat like humans eat. We exercise as it fits our schedule. And the chair in the corner? Yeah, there are clothes on it.

That’s because setting big, arbitrary goals usually doesn’t address the heart of whatever problem you’re trying to solve. For example, wanting to be less messy doesn’t magically put more hours in the day for you to straighten up your living room and put the dishes away and finally do that giant load of laundry. Other times those high hopes are just too broad.

Sure, sticking with goals that are more specific and achievable can better set you up for success. But it’s also worth noting that the lack of a resolution (or the inability—or, frankly, disinterest—in sticking with one) doesn’t make you a bad, lazy, unmotivated person. Despite what wellness influencers may have told you, taking care of yourself doesn’t require a lifetime of constant self-improvements. 

So, to make you feel less alone and less pressured to achieve big things in the year ahead, we asked therapists to tell us about their failed or forgotten New Year’s resolutions. Look at that, they’re just like us. 

1. Meditate every day.

“About 20 years ago I planned a New Year’s resolution to meditate for 30 minutes every day and to stick to it with discipline. I did pretty well for the first week, but I immediately noticed that I had attached a great deal of perfectionism to it. I chose to meditate for way too long, proving to be too ambitious. Time constraints, work, travel, illness, forgetting to do it, and all kinds of other things distracted me from that.

Every time I only partially completed 30 minutes each day—or when I completely forgot to do it—I felt like a failure. Moderate feelings of shame also popped up. Eventually, I abandoned it. I later realized that my perfectionism was way too unforgiving. It was all or nothing. So, I went back to the drawing board.

I learned that the only way to achieve a New Year’s resolution is to play the short game. The short game is easier to accomplish. I broke it down into smaller increments and made it measurable and achievable. This gave me the best chance for success. The all-or-nothing mentality is too rigid. Plus, meditation is a process orientation exercise, not a results orientation exercise. It doesn’t seek excellence or exactness. It’s a choice, not an obligation.” —John Tsilimparis, MFT, psychotherapist 

2. Literally any resolution.

“I’ve let go of making resolutions. I used to make them, but they always felt like an assignment rather than an inspiration. I’m naturally goal-oriented. But that means a lot of my bandwidth is taken up with working towards goals, so I certainly don’t need to layer on more by making resolutions. Instead, I’m leaning into the opposite of my temperament, which means making more room for doing things simply because I like them or because I love the people I do them with.” —Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, clinical psychologist 

3. Make new friends.

“When I think about the year ahead, I often think about my social life, and how it takes a backseat to my career and family. I think this resolution usually comes with good intentions of being more than just a therapist, wife, and mom. But this year, I’m going to try to nurture and deepen existing friendships that may have gotten lost in the shuffle with busy schedules and work commitments.” —Krystal Shipps, LCPC, therapist 

4. Be healthier.

“For many years, I vaguely challenged myself to ‘become healthier’, but until I set up an optimal morning with a specific routine in addition to rituals around sleep, meditation, movement, and nutrition, I did not see the results I was looking for to optimize my vitality. In my personal experience, grouping together key actions and activities in the morning and evening helped to program the daily habits into my implicit procedural memory. 

For example, when I wake up at the same time each day, my water and vitamins are near my gym clothes, my headphones are charged, and I have already Identified a podcast or playlist I am excited to listen to while I workout. The practice of setting up a ritual and environment conducive to your larger goals will get you to where you want to be.” —Gillian O’Shea Brown, LCSW, psychotherapist 

5. Setting goals for the year.

“I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions and can’t remember the last time I set one. My tradition is to write down and find ways to celebrate the past year. This feels more helpful than looking ahead. So now my approach to the future is to focus on wonder. For example, ‘I wonder where life will take me this year,’ which brings a feeling of curiosity and enthusiasm.”—Nina Polyne, PsyD, clinical psychologist 

6. Reading one book a month.

“I failed my goal pretty early on and was down on myself. I have found that goals are harder to attain than healthy habits. I try to now adjust my resolutions to reflect a habit I would like to integrate into my life more regularly, rather than a finite goal. So, for example, I like to read 10 minutes a day. It’s manageable and small but adds up over time, and it’s about adding more reading into my life versus book completion. Also, I’m happy if I do it four or five days a week versus every day. The consistency helps the habit to be more a part of my routine. Being less rigid with the outcome is key!” —Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical psychologist 

7. Journaling every day.

“I’ve always loved journaling as a way to clarify my thoughts and process experiences and memories. So a few years ago, I made a resolution to do it every day. This plan seemed like a good idea, but, for me, it wasn’t. Before the first week was over, I found myself dreading my time writing in the journal, as it became an obligation instead of a helpful resource. I changed my resolution to ‘journal whenever I need to process a problem or emotion,’ and that worked much better. I probably journaled once every three days and felt like the time was much better spent. Making this minor adjustment helped me feel like the journal was serving me rather than me serving the journal.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, clinical psychologist

8. Working out way more often.

“I have so many failed New Year’s resolutions in the past—regular exercise being the most frequent—but the biggest mistake has been to expect ‘perfect’ and jump into a 1-hour 5-days-per-week routine during a season when we get barely any sunlight, energy tends to be low, there’s post-holiday stress, and gyms are extremely crowded. Over time, I realized that making small changes that are more likely to become permanent and finding the right time to make them is the key to being successful!” —Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, psychiatrist

The post We Asked 8 Therapists for the New Year’s Resolutions They Totally Abandoned appeared first on Wondermind.