Q&A Link Copied 01.22.25

Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No

“When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor's cousin’s little sister's birthday party." ByCasey Gueren

When you stop to consider her incredible career—spanning several decades and creative mediums—it’s hard to imagine Kristin Chenoweth ever sitting down, let alone resting. And she’s the first to admit that it’s something she’s struggled with over the years. 

“I’m an adrenaline junkie,” Chenoweth tells Wondermind, in the calm and grounded tone of someone who has clearly done some self-reflection on the matter. “I do best under pressure—that’s where I really shine. That’s probably why I like a live audience and performing live best.” 

Whether you know Chenoweth from her iconic stage performances, countless film and TV roles, singing, writing, or hilarious cooking videos on social media, there’s a very strong chance you’ve been inspired by her work at least once (and probably much more than that). As the original Glinda in Wicked, Chenoweth is Broadway royalty, and she’s gearing up for a return to the stage this year in the new musical Queen of Versailles. 

But despite her seemingly nonstop career, Chenoweth says she’s been prioritizing self-care more and more lately. It’s a habit that’s become even more crucial after what she describes as “crashing and burning” two years ago, thanks to her packed schedule. 

Here, Chenoweth shares how her outlook on mental health and rest changed over the course of her career, how she prepared emotionally and physically to revisit Wicked more than 20 years later, and the advice she wishes she could give her younger self.  

WM: How are you today, really? 

Kristin Chenoweth: Well, today we’re watching California burn. I was a resident of California for 24 years, and some of my friends have lost their homes. So how I’m feeling today is grateful. I’m in a prayerful mood because that’s what I tend to do when things like this happen. 

WM: You’re someone who has been so outspoken about mental health—in interviews, a Super Bowl commercial, and your last book. Were you always this comfortable talking about mental health? 

KC: I never felt really safe talking about depression. Because, remember, my era was: Suck it up, buttercup. Pull up your big girl panties. Leave the tears on the pillow when you’re by yourself. And I grew up very much doing that. I think that fed into a problem with perfectionism and an eating disorder and depression. Just the perfect little storm of your average nightmare is me. 

There’s a misconception about me that everything’s perfect and rainbows and pink. And you know what? I am overall happy, but I do battle—just like millions of people in the world—with depression. And nobody wants to hear my problems because I have a good life, right? A lot of people don’t understand what’s going on behind the scenes. 

The truth is, this generation is allowing me to say: You don’t have to suck it up, buttercup. You don’t have to save your tears for when you’re by yourself. It’s OK to be sad. A lot of people go through it. You’re not alone. All of these things have really helped me the past several years since our world has been in upheaval. And so I’m grateful for what I’m learning from the younger generation. 

WM: Has your perspective on rest also changed over the course of your career?

KC: Being from the South, there was often a feeling of: You rest when you deserve it. You have downtime once you’ve done your work. If you don’t get your work done, there is no downtime. Rest has almost been equated with laziness. What I’ve come to really understand is, it’s just like they say on the plane: You’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on first. And for years, I put everybody else’s oxygen mask on. 

I’ve been working so hard for so long because I don’t just do one thing—I’m blessed enough to be able to sing and act and be a host and make records and do Broadway and write. And I love this. But because I don’t just do one thing, I have a lot to get done and a lot of people to pay, and I take that responsibility very seriously. And then who suffers is me. 

What happened is I crashed and burned, had two seizures, and ended up in the hospital—literally from my schedule. There were a couple of other problems, but really the schedule was the big thing. When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor’s cousin’s little sister’s birthday party, because I love people. But what happens is when you start giving so much of yourself out, you’ve got nothing left. And this is, I’m sure, a very common theme that comes up here. 

I’m still retraining my brain to know that I deserve to sit on my couch today with no makeup and hair and a T-shirt with no pants, and watch the news and take a beat and feel what I need to feel. I’m very empathic—like a lot of artists are—and as I’m watching the fires lately, I’m just devastated. So I’m going to do that, and it’s OK. Rest is OK. Getting a massage isn’t just a reward after you’ve done amazing things—the massage should be along the way because I have a bad neck and a bad knee. 

These are things you’ve got to do to take care of yourself, Kristin. If you don’t, you will give yourself seizures and end up in a place where you have to take three months off where nobody gets paid and you’re just resting and dealing with your own crap. So I’d like to not get there again. And since that time, I’ve been working very diligently with some tools that have helped me figure that out.

WM: Speaking of lessons learned over the last few decades, what was it like revisiting Wicked after all this time in a completely new way? How did you prepare emotionally and physically to be involved in this production and press tour? 

KC: It was amazing. I’m a part of something in my career that lasts, and not a lot of artists can say that. I’m grateful to have something attached to my name forever. And my girl [Ariana Grande] is playing the part I created, and I wanted that. And my other girl [Cynthia Erivo] is playing the other most amazing part. And then me and Idina [Menzel] are watching this go on and we’re holding each other’s hands. 

That all being said, it’s very layered for me. I’m so happy with how it is. But the very real, honest truth is: Oh my gosh, I hope they remember us. That’s a very vulnerable thing to say. Because I’m human. But at the same time, I’m evolved enough to know that part of the fun of having been here a minute is getting to watch somebody who admires and loves you want to make you proud. Just like I did in the past with people I’ve looked up to—Carol Burnett, Sandi Patty, Julie Andrews, Dolly Parton.

When you’re putting a new Broadway show together, not everything’s fun. It’s a lot of pressure. It’s very creative. It can be wonky. You’re trying things out in front of the audience that’s not buying it, and then you’ve got to change it and try something else. It was stressful. But because of the work that we all did, now they have this movie, and I’m so very proud of it. 

Some people asked, “Does it feel weird to you that you’re not the part [of Glinda]?” And I said, “I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t play that part again, so it doesn’t make me sad that I’m not playing it.” Very frankly, I thought it was a lovely gesture that they reached out to Idina and I and had us in it.  

WM: What are some tools that you lean on to help you during a particularly busy season like the one you just had? 

KC: This fall was a warning sign to me. I was getting back into some old habits that I want to avoid so I don’t have to stop for three months. One of the things I learned is that, while I’m a big prayer person, meditation is a different skill. So I do my prayer and I also do meditation, which really helps me. That’s actually a really big one. 

Obviously I’m a person that does therapy—I’m a big believer in that. As a Christian woman, you grow up hearing the only therapist you need is God. And the way I view it now is: God made these people interested in people like me to help me with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and getting through life with the way it is. And so, yeah, He is my best friend, but therapy helps. 

I have a core group of people that are my people that understand and love me no matter what, and I rely on them. I have a very real relationship with my mom and dad. We don’t mince words. We talk for real. And that’s helpful. 

And I always go back to the music. I tell people all the time who suffer with depression or bipolar or personality stuff or just all of it: Go back to the thing that you love—whether you get paid a lot of money to do it or zero money to do it. For me, that’s music.

WM: If you could wave a wand and speak with your younger self, what advice would you give her? 

KC: Oh, there’s so many. But the main one that sticks out is that, in my job, I’ve been injured pretty severely a couple times, and rushing back to work has caused me more pain. 

[I wish I could go back and tell myself]: “A set piece nearly killed you, don’t worry about going into work with your face rearranged. You have cracked ribs, you have broken teeth, you have a skull fracture.” 

I didn’t want anyone to see fear and I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t going to be on top of my game. And that’s happened a couple times throughout my career with Broadway, dancing, being on set. I’ve had some injury and it has caused me a lot of pain. I wish I could have just said: “I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m going to heal properly first.” 

WM: What advice would you give to people who are struggling to slow down and take time for themselves? 

KC: Something I’m working on now and is a constant work in progress is this: Be OK with saying no. That can mean saying no to a visit to your friend’s house at five o’clock because you don’t want to do the traffic and you’re tired, you’ve had a long day. It can be: I don’t want to take this movie because I need to be with my parents who are elderly and I need to help them move. Don’t be afraid to say no. 

I would also say find your higher power. It doesn’t have to be God. That’s just what works for me. Find your higher power and lean into it, because the only thing we can take with us is our spirit. That’s what we came on this Earth with: our spirit. 

Take care of yourself first. It’s not selfish, because then you can be the best version of you for all the people that you know and love that you want to be there for. Easier said than done, though.

And I will leave you with this one thing: For me, rescuing an animal has been the best thing. I’m looking at her now. I’m a very scared flyer and I have to fly two or three times a week. My dog knows I’m scared and knows I can have seizures sometimes and is with me. My dog can look at me and be like, I got you. When I had my first seizure at home, she would not leave my side. I would encourage, if people are in a place where they can adopt a pet, it could be—if they are prepared—one of the best decisions they’ve ever made.   

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.15.25

How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much

Until we find a way to clone you, try this. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s no secret that life can be…a lot. Keeping up with your job, maintaining relationships, and tackling adult responsibilities can easily fill an entire weekend. We’ve all got stuff to do and limited time to do it, but sometimes that mountain of tasks seems totally insurmountable. You know that prioritizing is the only way you’ll get it all done. But how exactly do you prioritize when everything feels equally urgent and the list just keeps getting longer? 

Here, experts explain the most common prioritizing roadblocks and how to get things done anyway (even the stuff you’d normally skip).

Why prioritizing sometimes feels impossible.

For those wading through a particularly overwhelming season of life, organizing what needs to be done and in what order is extra challenging, says Kathryn Lee, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and burnout. Becoming a new parent, caregiving for aging parents, or picking up chores for a sick partner or roommate is hard when life is already brimming with to-dos.

For others, doing all the things all the time is a way of life, says Lee. “Overextending is the only way they have felt valued, wanted, or needed in life,” she explains. For instance, people who grew up anticipating the needs and feelings of others to maintain peace in their household or avoid conflict may have internalized the belief that their needs aren’t important, and they’re constantly deprioritizing themselves. But that doesn’t make prioritizing any easier, even for the chronic overachievers.

Being burned out can also make it hard to plan and execute tasks, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System and author of How Do You Feel? “One of the symptoms of burnout is a reduced sense of personal achievement,” she explains. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you become unproductive, it means you feel unproductive. And feeling unproductive can sometimes make you unproductive. Then you get frustrated and don’t get stuff done.” That vicious cycle can quickly make your to-do list feel never-ending, she adds.

How to start prioritizing more effectively.

No matter what’s getting in the way of you getting things done, here’s how to start moving through your to-do list without panicking (or putting yourself last). 

1. Start with a quick feelings audit to figure out the biggest burden. 

Instead of diving right into an arbitrary task, take a beat to consider what you’re feeling and all the factors contributing to that. Your answers will help you map out where to direct your time and energy, says Dr. Gold.

Are you spiraling because you don’t know how everything on your calendar will get done or because you don’t know where to start? Are you frustrated with your partner for slacking on chores? Are you angry because you don’t feel valued by your boss or a friend who keeps bailing on plans?

For example, if your partner isn’t pulling their weight, you might be better off having a conversation rather than reorganizing your to-do list. If feeling under-appreciated at work is the source of your frustration, maybe spending more time looking for a new role should move to the top of your agenda.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by some massive or traumatic event outside of your control, it’s probably worth reaching out for some support (friends, family, a therapist, whoever) first so you aren’t going through the next steps alone. 

2. Don’t skip over the basics.

Not to add more to your to-do list, but making time for some very basic self-care tasks isn’t going to derail your whole day. Actually, it can help you better show up for everyone and everything on your list. 

So if you’re not sure what to prioritize first, start here: eat breakfast, brush your teeth, spend five minutes journaling (or meditate, go on a walk, or whatever activity boosts your mental health). Then take on the rest of your day. 

If you’ve consistently neglected those basic feel-good habits, it’s probably contributing to how ill-prepared you feel to tackle your to-do list. So, going forward, try some little adjustments to help make sure you’re well-rested, fed, hydrated, and fueled for whatever you have to do next. That might look like putting your phone on “do not disturb” at 8 p.m. every night, going to bed just a smidge earlier instead of starting another episode, blocking 30 minutes on your calendar to eat lunch or go for a walk each day. (You wouldn’t skip a work meeting, right?)

3. Do a brain dump of everything weighing on you.

Now, it’s time to make The List. Jot down all the things you need (or want) to take care of that are cluttering your mental space. Don’t hold back—include your work responsibilities, commitments to friends and family, the habits you’re trying to start or sustain, and the random projects you want to take on.

Even if you can’t realistically do all of that today (or even this year), the goal is to relieve the pressure to remember everything you want to get done, says psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at New York University Langone Health. 

4. Find the to-dos that fuel you.

Think of yourself as a battery containing emotional energy. “Some things drain us, some things charge us, some things have no impact,” says Dr. Gold. Being aware of that can help you pinpoint the tasks and goals that matter most to you. 

Take a beat to reflect on that massive list you just made. What gives you life? Ask yourself: Am I excited for this? Do I look forward to it? Is this something I want to make time for? Lee says. Make a note of the ones you’re hyped about. 

By the way, if nothing on this list excites you, add in things that do! It could be as simple as watching more reality TV or reading a new fantasy novel.

It might even be worth highlighting these in a certain color so you can make sure to sprinkle them into your prioritized list, even if they aren’t the most pressing things. 

5. Organize what’s important and urgent—and what’s not.

OK, we’ve finally arrived at prioritization station. To manage everything on your giant list, Dr. Stern suggests categorizing every task using two criteria: important and urgent. This breaks down into four buckets: important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent. (She recommends using the Eisenhower Matrix as a helpful visual.) 

The things that are both important and urgent, like paying bills and feeding yourself/your family, should stay on your list and move toward the top. The stuff that’s important but not urgent, like, say, negotiating your cable bill, can get pushed down the list. The urgent things that aren’t super important, like your favorite spin class or that pile of dirty laundry, are things you might be able to skip, delay, or delegate.  This is the time for you to practice saying no and asking for help. 

The rest of your list should be things that are not important and not urgent. All of these (with the exception of those basic self-care tasks and a few things that truly fuel you) can be moved to the bottom of the list or deleted altogether. Now we’re cooking! 

6. Zap the energy suckers.

Even with a consolidated list, try to stay flexible, says Lee. Instead of mandating that everything must happen, use your feelings and your bandwidth to determine what habits or tasks are working and what aren’t. For example, if you’re blocking out time for a new hobby but it’s not as fun as you imagined, don’t force it, she adds. It’s OK if it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That said, it’s worth digging deeper when your gut reaction is to avoid something you know brings you joy. “Sometimes when we say no, it’s just because we’re overwhelmed and don’t recognize that,” Dr. Gold says. In those cases, it could be worth delegating some of your other tasks or finding a smaller-scale way to make that activity work. Maybe you read a book a month instead of a book a week or train for a 5k instead of a half marathon.

7. Give yourself a break.

Prioritizing every part of life is hard and everyone struggles with it, Dr. Gold says. So a little self-compassion goes a long way when you’re running on empty and pummeled by calendar invites. 

When that happens, take a break from your agenda and get grounded by taking a walk outside, hopping in the bathtub, or doing a mindfulness exercise. If that’s not possible, try responding to negative thoughts and rude self-talk the way you’d speak to a friend. You can recite some realistic positive affirmations. 

And, of course, if this becomes a pattern or you’re dealing with mental health symptoms that make it hard to function, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Maybe this process isn’t working or it’s bringing up other stuff, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, distraction, anxiety, or whatever, a mental health pro can help you get to the root of the issue, says Dr. Stern.

The post How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.12.24

Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal

It’s like trying to fight off a fire-breathing dragon with a pair of tweezers. ByLauren Del Turco

If you feel like you’ve been on the verge of losing your shit for, I don’t know, the last month or so, welcome to the club. Our impossibly short fuse can’t handle one more panic-inducing headline or racist comment from Grandpa Joe. According to the youth (and social media), we’re all seconds away from “crashing out.” 

For the uninitiated, crashing out—at least this version of the phrase—means losing your shit in a big, impulsive, or reckless way. It’s flipping a table when someone tells you to pay attention (IYKYK). It’s sporadically quitting your job without a backup plan because you just can’t anymore. It’s throwing a drink in someone’s face after they insult you. 

The trend is likely a reflection of how some people (or all people?) are grappling with feelings of overwhelm, burnout, and exhaustion right now, says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “The fact that it is a viral trend speaks volumes about the collective state of mental wellbeing,” says Estrin. Yikes.

If the state of the world, your on-again-off-again relationship, holiday family drama, or end-of-year expectations have pushed you over the edge, you might relate to that crashing-out feeling. Here’s more about what that means and, most importantly, how to deal.

What does crashing out really mean? 

The experience isn’t a new one. “Essentially, crashing out is when you get so overwhelmed that you stop thinking about consequences and just react,” explains Alo Johnston, LMFT. Before TikTok made this thing a thing, you’d probably refer to that feeling as “losing it” or “snapping.” It’s the same deal, just a new name.

Simply put, when you’re so overwhelmed or triggered that you do something impulsive or irrational, you’re crashing out, says Estrin. However a crash plays out, it generally starts like this: An event, situation, thought, or something else brings up intense emotions. You feel completely out of control, then you lash out or act out in response. 

Basically half the internet claims to be crashing out right now, and they’re probably not wrong. That’s because crashing-out behavior can take a lot of forms. Sometimes it’s self-destructive but relatively tame, like staying up all night to watch a show. But it could also be more serious, like quitting your job on the fly or throwing a punch. All of these count!

JSYK, the term is also used in the bipolar community to describe the transition from a high-energy manic episode to a depressive period, says Estrin. That said, most people in your feed likely aren’t using it that way, Estrin adds.

Why do we crash out?

Crashing out is more than just getting mad or upset, it’s a full-on system overload in which, “a single event or trigger, or the build-up of multiple events or triggers, overwhelms your capacity to cope, self-soothe, and process your emotions,” explains Johnston.

But what causes a crash-out depends on the person experiencing it. “Often, unresolved inner wounds—like trauma—or unmet emotional needs are exposed by specific situations,” explains Estrin. “Beneath the surface, it’s a mix of external triggers and inner vulnerabilities coming to a head.”

The thing that sets you off might be a mystery until it happens, but when it does, it can shed some light on the parts of you that need some TLC, says Estrin. If you find that certain situations provoke a big reaction, you can use that info to investigate what might be behind this emotional response, she says. It’s possible you might find something like a fear of abandonment, rejection, or inferiority that needs to be processed a bit more, Estrin explains.

If you can’t Nancy Drew your way to a clear pattern, crashing out in itself is a solid sign that you’re feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, Johnston notes. When you’re hanging on by a thread and a double espresso, “anything that causes an emotional reaction could be the thing that pushes you over the edge,” he says. In other words, it’s a warning worth taking seriously.

What to do if you’re currently (or on the verge of) crashing out

Based on the number of people sharing their breakdowns on the interwebs, you’re in good company. Here’s what to do the next time you’re seeing red.

1. Get out of your brain and into your body.

Ration and logic won’t do much for you if you’re slipping into a crash-out, says Johnston. The volume of your emotions is turned up too high to think your way out of the panic, rage, hopelessness, or whatever feeling has you on edge.

Your best bet here is to ground into your body, the experts agree. That could look like a few minutes of deep breathing (inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six) or focusing on something you can see, hear, touch, or smell until you feel more present. Holding an ice cube or taking a cold shower is effective too, Johnston says. Whatever route you take, getting back into the present moment “offers an intense enough sensory experience (without being dangerous) to disrupt the crash-out and allow you to eventually get back to other kinds of problem-solving,” he explains.

2. Punch a pillow (yeah, really).

If you’re shifting into Hulk mode, take it out on a pillow. “This can help you let go of pent-up physical energy and process your emotions in a way that will not harm you or someone else,” Estrin says. Feel a little weird about doing that? Don’t! Although many of us were taught that anger and frustration are bad, there is no shame in them. Fully feeling and expressing those aggressive emotions is totally fine with the right outlet, she explains.

3. Take a walk.

Throwing on your sneakers and busting out the door can keep you from completely spiraling, Estrin says. For example, an analysis of previous research found that consistently exercising for at least four weeks reduced peoples’ blood pressure response to stressful situations. Plus, going for a walk when you’re fully on the brim of freaking out gives you a chance to take a beat before doing something you’ll regret, adds Estrin. 

4. Talk it out or write down what you’re feeling.

Naming your emotions can be a powerful first step in releasing their white-knuckle grip on you, says Estrin. When you’re feeling unhinged, jot it down in a journal, vent to a friend, or just mentally note that you’re spiraling. 

If you’re not even sure what you’re feeling, take a peek at a feelings wheel, adds Estrin. This is a visual tool that looks like a giant circle divided up into slices (check out this one from Gloria Willcox, PhD). Therapists sometimes use these to help their clients ID what’s going on for them. At the center, you’ll find the overarching categories of emotions, the ones you’re probably most familiar with. As you move outward, the feels get more specific. So, start at the center and work your way out until you’ve found the ones that are most relevant to you. 

5. Get cozy.

Crashing out might leave you feeling pretty powerless, but helping your body feel safe by soothing your system can help with that, says Johnston. What feels most chill will vary from person to person, so ask yourself what your body needs. It could be a long hug or cuddle from someone you love or crawling under a pile of blankets to watch Love Actually for the thousandth time. Warming up something comforting like soup or cocoa works too! 

6. Set some boundaries.

OK, save this one for the post-crash-out period. Once you’ve emerged from your cave, audit the factors that contributed to you losing it. Then, use those observations to create some boundaries that will keep you from getting pulled under again, Johnston suggests. That might look like setting strict limits on how much news you read, letting your brother know you absolutely will not discuss politics with him, or scheduling time to make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving enough. 

7. Call in reinforcements.

If crashing out is just another Tuesday for you, consider it a not-so-subtle nudge to check in with a mental health professional, the experts say. “Doing so can help you uncover underlying issues such as trauma, stress, or unmet needs,” Estrin explains. From there, you can work together to build out your menu of go-to coping skills and see yourself out of the crash-out trend.

The post Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.23.24

How to Believe in Yourself When it Feels Impossible

It’s tough out there, kid. ByIsabel Mata

At the start of my freelance writing career, I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to. I fearlessly reached out to my favorite publications, pitching stories I wanted to write for them. I dreamed big and went for it! But then the rejections started to fill my inbox. How can you believe in yourself when those “thanks, but no thanks” feel like a punch to the gut? I seriously considered giving up.

Life setbacks, like breakups, job loss, missed opportunities, health issues—or any kind of rejection really—can trigger self-doubt. Feeling down about yourself can also happen when relatively cool, exciting things bubble up, like running a race, moving to a new place, or applying for your dream job. Basically, the reasons to feel bad about yourself and your abilities are endless. 

No matter the circumstances though, there are lots of ways this mindset can show up, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, a Wondermind Advisory Committee member. 

One of them is measuring yourself against others and deciding that you’re less than them, says Tsilimparis. Maybe you see that your high school nemesis has a thriving real estate career, while you’re still trying to sort out what you want to do with your life. That can make it tough to believe in yourself.

Another common way insecurity shows up in the face of setbacks is focusing solely on our failures. It’s kind of like having tunnel vision. The possibility that you might not suck at whatever you’re pursuing or that you’re valuable in general may not occur to you. 

While you’d probably never tell a friend that they’re a terrible person because they didn’t get a promotion, it’s very easy to say that to yourself. This double standard, where we treat ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else, is extremely common in the face of adversity, says Tsilimparis. 

Despite the usual pitfalls of uncertainty, life transitions (good and bad) give us an opportunity to develop healthy coping skills we can use to believe in ourselves in the future, says Tsilimparis. Then, moving forward, we can tolerate whatever the world hands us with a little more ease, he adds. Voila! 

My healthy coping tool turned out to be phoning a friend. I reached out to a writer I admired to talk about my struggles and they said, “It only takes one yes to start your freelance career, so keep going.” This helped me push through the rejections, boost my self-esteem, and learn that setbacks don’t define us—how we respond to them does. 

Here, we spoke to mental health pros to find out the best ways to believe in yourself when you feel hopeless, doubtful, or just down in the dumps. Keep reading to find out how you can up your confidence now and prepare for future challenges like a damn champ.

1. Practice acceptance.

One of the hardest parts of experiencing a setback or going after a massive goal is getting bogged down by negative emotions and/or unrealistic expectations. That’s where coming to terms with whatever’s just happened (or didn’t happen) comes in handy. 

Instead of dwelling on that goal you didn’t hit or the next challenge in your way, try sitting with the reality of the situation. If you didn’t get the job, spend some time with that fact. How does that truth make you feel? Can you get used to that uncomfortable emotion instead of fighting it? It’s not fun to hang out with defeat or fear of the next chapter, but doing so helps you navigate transitions and challenges with greater ease. 

That’s because fighting those feelings or obsessing over how to change an unchangeable situation takes lots of mental and emotional energy. So, when you stop, you have more space to adapt and move forward in a positive way. 

Plus, acknowledging your experience enables you to accept the emotional pain as a part of life. Over time, that reduces the intensity of your response to setbacks, helping you manage them more effectively, Tsilimparis says. That practice is essential for believing in yourself and building confidence, he adds.

2. Challenge self-criticism with self-compassion.

While getting to a place of acceptance sounds great, it’s not always that easy. Sometimes, sitting with your emotions sends you into a spiral of negative thought patterns—and that’s not going to get you any closer to finding peace. 

So if you find yourself saying things like, “This sucks because I suck, and others don’t,” or “This will suck forever,” it’s time to fight back. 

While facing setbacks or a large goal can threaten your sense of identity, safety, and community, you can counteract these patterns by leaning into self-compassion, says psychotherapist Ellie Wilde, PhD. 

Here’s how it works: When you notice that your brain is throwing a lot of shade, take a pause. Then, ask if this judgey comment is truly realistic and/or if this is the way you’d speak to a friend. For example, if you’re hearing, “This sucks because I suck, and others don’t,” you can respond with, “Actually, this moment is hard, and everyone experiences tough times at some point.” This practice helps shift your mindset from self-criticism to self-compassion, making it easier to navigate challenges and maintain a more balanced view of your situation.

3. Lean on your support system.

Whether it’s talking to friends, family, or a therapist, external support can provide a fresh perspective and reassurance during tough times, says therapist Hallie Kritsas, LMHC. That’s especially helpful when you’re struggling to get out of your head or you’re beating yourself up since, as we know, it’s easier to give compassionate feedback to other people than ourselves.

When that happens, people you trust can offer encouragement, validate your feelings, and remind you of your strengths and past successes. Over the long run, that can help you gradually begin to believe in yourself. 

4. Do something fun.

It sucks to be bogged down in your own brain. And while it might feel impossible to enjoy yourself in the thick of The Situation, focusing on something unrelated (that you like doing) might shake you out of that “I hate myself” mindset. 

By going to a movie, starting a creative side project (pottery, anyone?), or just laying in some grass can make you feel less stressed about whatever you’re going through, says Kritsas. But if you don’t have the time or energy to take the day, making time for breaks to stare off into space or watch trash TV can create some small pockets of relief, she adds. 

When you’re not constantly ruminating on whatever’s stressing you out, you make room to feel good, which builds resilience, manages self-doubt, and keeps you grounded, says Kritsas. Love that for you. 

5. Give yourself a hug (it’s not that weird).

Aside from rebutting those rude, critical thoughts, self-compassion can also come in the form of physical touch, says Prerna Menon, LCSW, a psychotherapist and co-founder of Boundless Therapy. “If you are able to harness the power of self-compassion, you will grow to allow yourself grace, be curious in defeat, and feel resilient,” she explains.

That’s where the self-compassion hug enters the chat. When you’re feeling crappy, wrap your arms tightly around your body and take six or seven deep breaths. “Let the air fully fill your chest before you exhale, and make sure to hold on tight!” says Menon.

While it might seem simple (or even a little cheesy), a self-hug can help calm your mind and counteract harsh self-criticism by getting you into a more supportive, positive mindset. From there, it can be easier to build confidence and handle tough times.

6. Take a beat.

When shit goes down, it can be easy to let your negative emotions dictate your next move, says Tsilimparis. But feelings like anger, despair, frustration, and discouragement aren’t the most reliable (or rational), so following their lead might not get the results you’re after. 

For example, say you’re at work, and your manager gives you some constructive criticism on a project. If you’re emotionally reactive, you might perceive the feedback as a personal attack, even if it’s meant to help you improve. Instead of thinking, “This is a chance to get better at my job,” you might feel a surge of anxiety and self-doubt, leading you to believe that you’re not good enough or that you should quit. But taking a minute to assess the situation more rationally and respond in a balanced way can help you believe in yourself and work through whatever struggle comes up. 

7. Seek out positivity.

Generally speaking, people are wired to be more alert to negative outcomes and risks as a way to protect themselves against harm, says Dr. Wilde. After a setback, this negativity bias can make you overly cautious about new opportunities, they add. That’s kind of a problem if you’re going after a big goal. 

But by training your mind to notice positive cues—like small achievements, good feedback, or glimmers—you can significantly up your confidence and overcome negativity that follows rejection or failure. These positive signals reset your focus so you can start believing in yourself.

Start by keeping an eye out for positive experiences, even if they’re unrelated to whatever you’re trying to accomplish. Maybe the barista spells your name right. It’s a win! Perhaps your long-distance friend texts to check in on you. People love you! Maybe your boss compliments your latest project. You’re smart and capable!

8. Set SMART goals.

OK, you’ve probably heard of these, but hear us out. Breaking down big goals into smaller, manageable steps enables you to experience lots of little successes. That can build momentum, motivation, and reinforce your confidence in reaching a major achievement, says Tsilimparis. 

After you set out to do something major, see if you can make it even more effective by ensuring it follows the guidelines below.

• Make it specific. Define your goal with precise steps that are easy to understand. For example, “I will build my client roster,” becomes, “I will reach out to new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
• Make it measurable: Ensure your goal is easily quantifiable so you can track your progress. That might look like, “I will reach out to three new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
• Achievable: Ask yourself, is this measurement or benchmark too high? Too low? What would make it realistic given what the rest of my life looks like? 
• Relevant: Your measurable steps to achieving your goal should align with the big thing you’re trying to accomplish. So if your goal is to get a promotion, will having more clients get you there? Or is it actually not that important for the next professional step you want to take?
• Time-bound: Set an end date. What’s an appropriate deadline for you to assess your progress? If you’re not happy with your outcome, what can you do to move forward at that time?

9. Remember: This too shall pass

Even if it feels unchangeable, tough times are temporary setbacks, they’re not indicative of the rest of your life, says Tsilimparis. 

Sounds nice, but if you’re struggling to see beyond your current situation, journaling on past situations and how you overcame them can help you see that this won’t be forever either. Think about how you felt back then, how you dealt with it, and how long it took to start feeling better. This practice helps you reflect on past successes and reinforce your resilience.

If you’re in a spot where journaling just isn’t an option (or you don’t like it), you can also come up with a phrase that reminds you this is just temporary, says Tsilimaparis. Maybe it’s, This is a tough time right now. Or, I’m in survival mode, and that’s OK for now. You can repeat that anytime you’re feeling overwhelmed or knee-deep in self-doubt. You got this!

The post How to Believe in Yourself When it Feels Impossible appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.20.24

How to Spot an Inferiority Complex in the Wild

Out of pocket and insecure. BySamantha Leal

We all occasionally get down on ourselves and worry if we’re measuring up to the people around us. That’s a common experience. (Right?!) But an inferiority complex, characterized by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a “basic feeling of inadequacy and insecurity” based on an “actual or imagined physical or psychological deficiency,” is a bit deeper than that. 

Think of it like a persistent boogeyman constantly lurking in the shadows reminding you that you’re not as good as the people around you, either in one specific thing (like running or flirting) or in general. “An inferiority complex is a kind of chronic feeling like you’re inadequate, you’re under equipped, you’re not good enough compared to other people,” says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, a member of the Wondermind Advisory Committee. 

This constant feeling of falling short compared to others can be a huge burden and keep you from living your life the way you want. Whether it’s sitting out social events, trying to just blend in at work, or going to extremes to make up for feeling unqualified for everyday tasks, an inferiority complex can keep you stuck and unsatisfied. 

So what can you do about it? We asked the experts to explain more about what an inferiority complex is, why it happens, and how you can work through it. 

What is an inferiority complex? 

Like we said, an inferiority complex is an unshakeable feeling of not being good enough. And it’s also a theoretical framework, coined by psychologist Alfred Adler in 1907, that tries to explain how a person may behave when they feel less than others, says psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, another member of the Wondermind Advisory Committee. 

Though it’s not a clinical diagnosis you’d find in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), this is definitely a thought pattern mental health pros see in their practice, says Dr. Wang. That can show up as a client believing that they’re somehow less competent, less capable, or less equipped to address certain roles or tasks in their life than others, she explains.

Yeah, this does sound a lot like low self-esteem, and an inferiority complex definitely falls under that umbrella. That said, this mental health struggle is specific to how someone feels about themselves in comparison to others, whether that’s in one area or life in general, says Dr. Howes. “The term inferior is always used in relation to someone else,” he says. “It’s about, ‘How do I measure up to other people?’” 

What causes an inferiority complex? 

This brand of low self-esteem is often rooted in the things we’re told about ourselves, the way we’re treated, and the stories we hear about others and how they’re treated. “When you’re a baby, you don’t have these stories just yet, but as you grow, you’re constantly internalizing data points from the world around you,” says Dr. Wang. 

We might subscribe to the idea that we’re not as smart or good looking or athletic as our siblings or other kids in class. It could come from a direct comment, like a parent complaining about how much help you need with your homework. But you might also pick up those stories from the way your teachers or peers treat kids who are better at sports or wear cooler clothes or get higher grades than you. “It can be grade school playground stuff or being told you were not very good at something when you were in high school or during any of your formative years,” says Dr. Howes. 

Of course, it’s not just others’ looks, intelligence, and athleticism that can make us feel inferior, we can have an inferiority complex about literally anything—including our race or religion, says Dr. Wang. When you witness racism and discrimination in your community or happening to people you care about (or if it happens to you), you can start to feel lesser than others because of your intersectional identity, says Dr. Wang.

When we start to believe that we’re inferior to others, we notice the evidence that confirms those stories or biases, even if they’re not true, adds Dr. Wang. It can really snowball from there.

How to tell if you have an inferiority complex.

The best way to find out what you’re dealing with is to start working with a mental health pro who can assess your symptoms and how they’re interfering with your life. That said, here are some good indicators you could be struggling with an inferiority complex.

There’s one area of your identity that you always feel self-conscious about.

Yes, you could feel inferior on several fronts, but if you find that there’s one or a few things that you’re always trying to compensate for or hide, that’s a good indicator of an inferiority complex, says Dr. Howes. So take a sec to assess some of your biggest insecurities, the ones you’re never not self-conscious about. Maybe it’s not being up on all the TV your coworkers yap about in front of the Nespresso machine or how your project compares to others’ on your team. If those situations always make you feel less than, that’s a solid sign.

You hold yourself back.

When you feel like you suck compared to others, it can seem easier to pass up challenges at work, within your social circle, or even in your relationships, says Dr. Wang. In her experience, it’s common for clients with inferiority complexes to avoid taking risks to cover for feeling less competent or because they don’t believe they can meet the goal, she adds.

You might also hold yourself back because you don’t feel worthy of opportunities, says Dr. Wang. “People with an inferiority complex may actually avoid opportunities because they don’t feel they deserve to have them,” she explains. 

You overcompensate for those deficits. 

The APA says that an inferiority complex “may result in behavioral expression ranging from the withdrawal of immobilizing timidity to the overcompensation of excessive competition and aggression.” So, yeah, your inferiority complex might hold you back, but it could also make you act out to cover for your insecurities. 

Say you feel insecure about your physical appearance compared to others. Maybe you challenge someone to a pushup contest at the gym or snap at anyone who says anything about how you look—good or bad. It happens! 

You can’t take a compliment.

In Dr. Wang’s experience, people with an inferiority complex have an all or nothing mindset that gets in the way of accepting praise. So when someone gives you a pat on the back for the thing you’re insecure about, you tell yourself, Yeah, but that other person has done it better than me before, so this compliment is meaningless, says Dr. Wang. Your mindset is basically, If I’m not the best, then I’m the worst, she adds. What you’re missing is that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and others’ abilities don’t diminish yours. Life is not a zero sum game. 

How do you treat an inferiority complex? 

Both Dr. Wang and Dr. Howes say that identifying where this story first came from or the first time you felt inferior can start the process of letting go and healing. “A lot of these stories develop without our awareness,” says Dr. Wang. “They’re just ways that we believe the world sees us.” So by acknowledging that you might be struggling with an inferiority complex, you can start to question whether those assumptions are true.

She notes working with a professional can be helpful in unpacking those beliefs. They can ask, “Is this idea based in truth? What are the data points?” From there, they can teach you to confirm or deny the stories you tell yourself consistently. Over time, you’ll find evidence that you’re actually good or at least fine in the areas of life you feel inferior. “Then, your identity starts to reshape itself. The story starts to evolve,” says Dr. Wang.

Focusing on the qualities you value in yourself can be helpful too, says Dr. Howes. You can spend time journaling on them, coming up with realistic affirmations around them, or creating a gratitude practice based on them. “Affirming some components of who you are can help you accept yourself and move beyond an inferiority complex,” he says. 

“What we really need is to be able to tell ourselves that I’m good enough. I’m not perfect, I’m not horrible, but I’m trying, and I really like this,” says Dr. Howes. “Instead of doing comparisons with other people, it’s about developing a stronger sense of who you are.”

The post How to Spot an Inferiority Complex in the Wild appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 05.17.24

Do You Have Social Anxiety or Are You Just Shy?

If you know, you might already know, you know? ByElizabeth Gulino

Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought Why did I say that? immediately after walking away from a conversation. (You can’t tell through the screen, but my hand is raised—very high.) The fear of being judged by others before, during, or after a social interaction is real, but most people can shake off an awkward moment on a first date (see: dating anxiety) or lingering nervousness from a high-stakes meeting. With social anxiety, or social anxiety disorder, those moments can wreck your whole day and kick off non-stop racing thoughts for weeks. It could even get in the way of making friends as an adult.

Maybe that feels relatable, but there’s a lot more to the mental health condition than overthinking the last thing you said. Sure, most of us feel at least a little awkward in lots of social circumstances. And, of course, the more important the interaction—a job interview, meeting your partner’s friends, pitching a new idea to your boss—the more on edge you might feel.

But if you spend a pretty significant amount of time freaking out about social interactions at work, school, or out with your friends, you might wonder whether something bigger, like social anxiety or social anxiety disorder, is at play. And it might be!

To help you sort through the difference between being shy or introverted and having social anxiety disorder, we asked mental health pros for the signs that help them spot this mental health condition. Plus, what to do if you’re having a hard time. 

One quick thing before we dive into the details: Mental health is complex and everyone has a unique experience, so don’t go diagnosing yourself just because you read a few articles on the internet (though, we do appreciate you stopping by to learn a few things). If this resonates with you, consider it a jumping-off point in your journey to getting care. OK, let’s get into it…

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety exists on a spectrum. On one end, you might feel very anxious about social situations occasionally. On the more intense end, that kind of anxiety could keep happening for months or even years, making a significant impact on your day-to-day functioning. If the latter is the case for you, you might meet the criteria for social anxiety disorder. 

Technically, social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia) is a mental health condition characterized by intense, overwhelming fear of everyday social interactions and situations, and those anxieties get in the way of living your life the way you want, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

Unlike shyness, which is a personality trait that might make you feel more reserved in social situations, social anxiety is a fear of doing something wrong in front of others that keeps you from being as outgoing as you want to be. “If somebody’s shy, they might walk into a room and not feel the need to speak,” says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW. “They’re not walking into this room and feeling a sense of panic or anxiety.”

The same is true for introverts. If you consider yourself part of that club, you likely find downtime alone more energizing than being with others. It’s not that you’re freaked out by social situations (like with social anxiety disorder), you just need more solo dolo time to recharge. While introverts can have social anxiety, as psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, previously told Wondermind, they don’t go hand in hand (same goes for extroverts, BTW).

How can I tell if I have social anxiety disorder?

Now that you have a better idea of what social anxiety is (and what it’s not), let’s talk about what it can look and feel like out in the wild. Here are the signs you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder. 

1 . You feel physically awful before, during, and after.

Leading up to a Big Social Thing (or even a small one) you might get sweaty, start shaking, and feel your heart beating really intensely. You could also feel sick, short of breath, or hot, says therapist Monica Cwynar, LCSW. That can happen in the days or even weeks before the thing actually happens, per the DSM-5-TR. If you don’t avoid that event or task entirely, those feelings stick with you or get worse as you go through the motions. By the time it’s all over, you likely feel ex-haus-ted by those physical symptoms.

2. You can’t get shit done without freaking out.

Sure, giving a speech at your friend’s 300-person wedding or interviewing for a job are definitely anxiety fuel for most of us, says Estrin. Those are totally rational things to get a little anxious about—these moments are big deals and you want to get it right.

With social anxiety disorder, you’ll stress about being judged by others, humiliated, or embarrassed to the point where it becomes extremely difficult to engage in everyday situations like prepping for a work meeting, making small talk at the office, eating lunch with a friend, or making new friends, per the DSM-5-TR.  That can make existing among other people, even people you don’t know or those who care about you, really, really challenging. 

3. You change your behavior to avoid feeling or looking anxious.

Because doing life in front of others feels physically and emotionally daunting, severe cases of social anxiety might inspire you to avoid people as much as possible, says Cwynar. You might have your groceries delivered instead of shopping at the store, skip family gatherings, or avoid leaving the house in general. 

But shifting your behavior for the sake of your social anxiety can also be more subtle. Maybe you avoid making eye contact, initiating small talk, or becoming the center of attention at all costs (even if you actually enjoy the idea of being noticed). 

You might also take precautions to mask your anxiety symptoms. For example, you might avoid sipping water in your meeting or holding your notes to cover for shaky hands. Or maybe you avoid wearing certain colors to make it harder for people to see you sweating, per the DSM-5-TR.

4 . Anxiety runs in your family.

Listen, genetics don’t determine whether you’ll have social anxiety or not. Your family tree could have lots of people with the disorder and you don’t or vice versa. That said, there is a higher risk associated with social anxiety disorder when any of your first-degree relatives have the condition, per the DSM-5-TR.

5. You suspect or know that your social anxiety is excessive.

Estrin says that, in her experience, people with social anxiety often recognize that their anxiety in normal social situations is over-the-top and unreasonable. For example, you might notice that your coworkers don’t seem as anxious before or during your monthly status update meeting as you do. People with social anxiety know they shouldn’t feel this way, but they can’t help it, she adds.

6. This has been going on for a while.

Most of us can relate to feeling anxious and awkward in social situations some of the time. But in order to be diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, these intense, irrational feelings have to be happening for six months or more. 

How is social anxiety treated? 

Step one: Remember that social anxiety is not uncommon, and you’re not weird or gross for dealing with it. After all, acceptance is the first step in any healing process, and how you treat yourself can play a significant role in your journey. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 

Whether you think you have the diagnosable form of social anxiety or not, if you’re feeling weird about your social interactions or they’re getting in the way of your goals or just how you want to live, talking to a mental health pro can help you deal with social anxiety.

Cwynar and Estrin both recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapeutic modality that teaches you to challenge the negative thoughts and self-talk that come with social anxiety. With the help of a therapist you can also do gradual exposure therapy, which is all about “facing your fear of social situations in a controlled manner,” according to Cwynar. “This can help individuals learn how to be more confident and reduce anxiety over time,” she adds. If you’re comfortable, you could also DIY your own exposure therapy, making a list of social things that scare you and working your way from least terrifying to most (within reason).

Therapy will also help you rethink the narratives fueling your social anxiety by challenging your thoughts. Estrin says a therapist may ask questions like, “Where is your evidence of this? Why did you think everyone’s eyes were on you in this big crowded room?” And you can learn to do this on your own.

She also adds that joining a social anxiety therapy group can be helpful as well. “It’s nice to put yourself in a situation with like-minded people who feel the same way you do so you feel validated and less alone in your experience,” Estrin says. If appropriate, a health care provider may also prescribe medication to help treat social anxiety.

No matter where you stand on the social anxiety scale, know that you’re not alone. “I know social anxiety is hard for people,” Cwynar says. “We have to keep showing up and keep trying, because life is so amazing… we don’t want people missing out on their lives.”

The post Do You Have Social Anxiety or Are You Just Shy? appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 03.19.24

7 Tips for Anyone Struggling with Chronic Illness Burnout

When your physical health f*cks with your mental health, let’s talk. ByChristina Heiser

When my GI doc told me I had celiac disease—a genetic autoimmune disorder that has no cure—I didn’t realize how this diagnosis would radically impact how I felt about myself and my life, thanks to chronic illness burnout.

At first, I felt incredibly relieved. I’d experienced bloating, acid reflux, constipation, and abdominal discomfort throughout my teens, 20s, and early 30s. Apparently, these symptoms were all caused by my new diagnosis, according to my doctor. They said that when I (or anyone with celiac disease) eats gluten, it triggers an immune system response, damaging cells that line the small intestine. It’s also been associated with long-term issues like intestinal cancer, infertility, osteoporosis, and a higher risk of developing other autoimmune conditions, according to research on the condition. Not super fun information, but the intel was more than I’d had before.

I also learned the only “treatment” for celiac is adhering to a strict gluten-free diet—for life. It sounds like a lot, but I was all in. And eating anything but gluten didn’t seem that hard. There are entire grocery aisles dedicated to people who go gluten-free, right?

When I got home and started researching how to eat in this new way, I quickly realized that managing celiac disease was way different than going gluten-free for non-medical reasons. 

In order to eat anything, my new reality involved a long list of tasks including (but not limited to): scrutinizing labels on packaged foods for hidden sources of gluten, cooking the majority of my meals at home (takeout in my neighborhood could be risky), thoroughly researching restaurant menus and reviews before I went anywhere, interrogating waiters about food preparation, and educating everyone I hang out with about celiac disease. It quickly became my whole personality. 

I was so overwhelmed by all of that. I remember telling my partner that I felt like managing my celiac disease was a second full-time job. So it’s no surprise to me that people with celiac disease reported feeling more burdened by treating their condition than people with some other chronic illnesses, according to a survey published in the American Journal of Gastroenterology.

While I felt physically better within a few months of going gluten-free, I wasn’t prepared for the mental and emotional toll it would take. I dreaded having to read another food label. I was paralyzed by indecision when it came to choosing a recipe. I started to cancel plans because I didn’t want to ask more questions about the food. 

On the rare occasion I accidentally ate something with gluten in it, I beat myself up. I melted down anytime things didn’t go according to my plan. If I was traveling and a gluten-safe restaurant I planned to visit was unexpectedly closed, it consumed me. All I thought about was food. It was hard to focus on anything else.

Within a year of receiving my diagnosis, I reached my breaking point. I was burned out and felt totally alone. Luckily, a quick Google led me to message board threads and articles from people who said they felt just as depleted managing their chronic illnesses, celiac or not. 

I decided I wanted to break this cycle, so I made a concerted effort to relieve my celiac-related stress and heal my burnout. Turns out, I didn’t have to be exhausted and miserable forever. In the four years since receiving my diagnosis, here are the tips I’ve found to be most helpful. 

1. Seek support from a professional and others with your condition.

A lot of times, I felt like my friends and family didn’t fully understand how big of a deal celiac disease was—no matter how many times I tried to explain it to them. But when I found a professional dietitian who both lives with and specializes in treating my condition, I finally felt seen.

Obviously, it’s not the same as therapy, but working with a dietitian who deeply understood my condition went a long way toward improving my mental state. She validated my experiences, answered any questions I had about gluten-free living, and gave me advice for navigating social situations that revolved around food. 

I also started volunteering with a celiac nonprofit group to connect with people who know what this life is like. I made some friends I could email or text when I was struggling, and that was huge. The people in this group didn’t minimize my experiences or need me to explain any basic celiac 101 knowledge. They already knew what I was going through.

2. Ask friends and family for help. 

After I was diagnosed, I was afraid of being annoying or a burden to my people. I prided myself on being independent and self-sufficient, but I really needed an assist to get by. Managing a chronic condition is just harder on your own. In the end, this was the biggest step in mitigating my chronic illness burnout. 

Sometimes asking for help meant having my partner or friends advocate on my behalf at restaurants or do some initial restaurant research if we were planning a night out. My mom even bought me an air fryer and sent me gift cards for gluten-free prepared meals (less cooking = less stress). 

Outside of my IRL friends and family, I joined a bunch of online celiac groups and connected virtually. In these groups, I’d scroll through posts to find celiac-safe restaurant recommendations in my area, crowdsource budget-friendly gluten-free recipe ideas, and get tips on how to make traveling with celiac easier. These groups became a safe haven whenever I needed help—I couldn’t believe how much info I could get for free!  

3. Find ways to ground yourself.

I was so focused on avoiding gluten at the beginning of my diagnosis that I completely neglected activities that made me feel mentally good. Spending so much time researching and cooking almost everything I ate (on top of working a full-time job eight hours a day) put my mental health on the back burner. 

When I hit my burnout point, I knew I needed to add meditation, yoga, and journaling back into my routine. So I found free guided meditations and yoga classes online and an anxiety journal from Amazon. 

For me, getting grounded was most helpful at the end of the day, when I basically had nothing left to give. Meditation and yoga forced me to focus on my breath and body in that present moment, rather than spiraling about my health. I’ve even started using a couple of chronic illness affirmations during those mindfulness activities, like “My body is capable of healing,” and, “I’m learning what my body needs and how to take care of it. When I’m done, I immediately feel less tense and often sleep better that night. Always a good thing, especially for burnout. 

When it comes to journaling, I don’t spend a ton of time on it, but I’ve found that jotting down whatever is going through my head helps me to process my emotions and gives me an opportunity to write about the things I’m grateful for. 

4. Try to build some movement into your routine. 

I stopped exercising when I got my celiac diagnosis and barely left my apartment. This was in the early days of the Covid pandemic, so there was that. But I also felt depressed about my celiac disease and lost the motivation to exercise or even go on a mental health walk.

But movement has always been a big mood booster for me, so I knew I needed to add it back to my life. Pre-celiac diagnosis, I’d leave an indoor cycling class with endorphins, more confidence in my body, and an easier time adapting to work. Now that I was navigating a chronic illness, I needed those benefits more than ever. So I started by blocking off time on my calendar every day to take a walk or do a short burst of cardio. When I felt ready, I signed up for an online fitness app for $20 a month (cheaper than a gym membership). I started slow with 10-minute classes and walks around the block until I built up my stamina to do longer workouts. It was a process, but I felt so much better.

Exercise provided an outlet for my celiac-based frustrations, distracted me from my health concerns, improved my self-esteem (if I could crush a tough workout, I could manage this autoimmune disorder!), and chilled me out so I could sleep better.  

Setting time aside on my calendar specifically for movement kept me accountable, and once I got into a daily routine, it became easier to keep it going. Now, I usually get in three solid 30-minute workouts a week, in addition to daily walks.

5. Look for little ways to lessen the day-to-day struggle. 

Much of my stress was related to cooking ev-er-y-thing. In order to make that process easier, I started thinking about how I could cut some corners. The first step was having my groceries delivered. That way, I didn’t have to spend time in the supermarket, where I would get overwhelmed by all of the choices or reading labels in a cramped aisle. When I have to go to the store for whatever reason, I make a list of what I need and try to go during off-peak times.

The next move was sticking to simple dinners with three ingredients or less, like a gluten-free protein, vegetable, and starch. That could look like boneless chicken breast with a side of broccoli and rice, or whatever fits those criteria. Yeah, this can be boring, but it means I don’t have to deal with a new recipe that may or may not turn out to be edible. It’s all about working smarter, not harder.

I also signed up for a few gluten-free meal kits to make dinners for the week. It is not cheap, but it’s seriously helped with my recipe-decision fatigue. Hot tip: You can often find coupon codes for different meal kits online that apply to your first few orders. After your discount is up, you can always cancel your subscription and sign up for another kit with a discount. I’ve done this multiple times.  

6. Set boundaries and practice speaking up for yourself.

I really missed participating in social activities like post-work happy hours, book club meetups, and holiday potlucks, but I didn’t want to put myself in a situation where I could get “glutened” and feel sick for days. 

This, unfortunately, did happen to me early on in my diagnosis when I wasn’t comfortable advocating for myself yet. Some friends invited me to grab pizza with them at a place in our neighborhood, and I knew this spot offered gluten-free pizza. I also knew their kitchen was too small to prevent cross-contamination, so it was a risk. Still, I didn’t want to seem annoying by asking my friends if we could go someplace else or ask the waiter a bunch of questions. I went ahead and ordered the gluten-free pizza and had an upset stomach for 24 hours. 

Now, if friends want to go out to brunch, I kindly ask if I can choose the restaurant. I usually say something like, “Hey, dining out is really tricky for me because of my dietary restrictions, so would it be OK if I choose the restaurant this time? I have a couple of yummy places in mind!” 

If I ever have a gut feeling that something won’t be safe, I’m not afraid to push back or say no. I might offer something like, “I don’t feel comfortable eating at that restaurant because of my dietary restrictions, so I’d prefer to go somewhere else if possible. How about we meet at X venue instead or do X non-food-related activity?” When I phrase it like that, I find most are pretty understanding. Most people don’t want to poison their friends.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that there’s no room for flexibility. If a friend is hosting a birthday party or a wedding, I’m not going to ask them to base their food choices around me. In those cases, I’ll eat beforehand, order a drink, and keep a few emergency snacks in my bag. That way, I can have fun without being tempted to take risks and eat food that might get me sick.

Having these boundaries in place has been key, but it’s not always easy! I still sometimes feel awkward having conversations about food and don’t want to come across as a pest. One thing that helps make this less scary, IMO, is having the conversation over text or email before things go down. It’s a bit removed and less weird than talking to someone face-to-face. After I practiced speaking up for myself over text and email during the first year of living with celiac disease, I felt less awkward about having these conversations in person. It gets easier the more you do it! 

7. Give yourself (and others) grace. 

Boundaries are great, but I keep them flexible by reminding myself that it’s not personal if someone doesn’t remember that I have celiac disease or if they don’t know the ins and outs of the gluten-free diet. It’s not like I know everything about other chronic conditions, after all. That’s why I cut people slack if they miss the mark.

I’ve also tried to be more compassionate with myself, making sure I’m not engaging in negative self-talk if I accidentally eat gluten, mess up a recipe, or have a stilted conversation with a waiter. Beating myself up doesn’t help anyone, and it only leads to burnout.

Four years in, I know that there are ups and downs in this journey, and I deserve grace. Seriously, it’s a lot to manage celiac disease (or any other chronic illness)! I tell myself often that I’m doing the best I can—and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. If you’re navigating a chronic condition, I’m proud of you too.

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