Pro Tips Link Copied 01.24.25

How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships

Set your grudges free! ByMekita Rivas

You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.

While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?” 

Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next. 

What is resentment? 

Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t). 

On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.  

At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.

When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while. 

You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.

Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.” 

That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.

How does resentment damage relationships? 

Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.

When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.

And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking. 

Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship. 

How do I deal with resentment?

Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. 

No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships. 

1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.

When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry. 

So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue. 

Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.  

When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from. 

But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.

2. Communicate compassionately.

With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.

That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné. 

You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out. 

Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.

During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné. 

That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you. 

3. Celebrate the small wins.

Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.

So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time. 

If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.

For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says. 

4. Find a mental health pro.

A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.” 

That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.

The post How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.15.25

How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much

Until we find a way to clone you, try this. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s no secret that life can be…a lot. Keeping up with your job, maintaining relationships, and tackling adult responsibilities can easily fill an entire weekend. We’ve all got stuff to do and limited time to do it, but sometimes that mountain of tasks seems totally insurmountable. You know that prioritizing is the only way you’ll get it all done. But how exactly do you prioritize when everything feels equally urgent and the list just keeps getting longer? 

Here, experts explain the most common prioritizing roadblocks and how to get things done anyway (even the stuff you’d normally skip).

Why prioritizing sometimes feels impossible.

For those wading through a particularly overwhelming season of life, organizing what needs to be done and in what order is extra challenging, says Kathryn Lee, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and burnout. Becoming a new parent, caregiving for aging parents, or picking up chores for a sick partner or roommate is hard when life is already brimming with to-dos.

For others, doing all the things all the time is a way of life, says Lee. “Overextending is the only way they have felt valued, wanted, or needed in life,” she explains. For instance, people who grew up anticipating the needs and feelings of others to maintain peace in their household or avoid conflict may have internalized the belief that their needs aren’t important, and they’re constantly deprioritizing themselves. But that doesn’t make prioritizing any easier, even for the chronic overachievers.

Being burned out can also make it hard to plan and execute tasks, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System and author of How Do You Feel? “One of the symptoms of burnout is a reduced sense of personal achievement,” she explains. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you become unproductive, it means you feel unproductive. And feeling unproductive can sometimes make you unproductive. Then you get frustrated and don’t get stuff done.” That vicious cycle can quickly make your to-do list feel never-ending, she adds.

How to start prioritizing more effectively.

No matter what’s getting in the way of you getting things done, here’s how to start moving through your to-do list without panicking (or putting yourself last). 

1. Start with a quick feelings audit to figure out the biggest burden. 

Instead of diving right into an arbitrary task, take a beat to consider what you’re feeling and all the factors contributing to that. Your answers will help you map out where to direct your time and energy, says Dr. Gold.

Are you spiraling because you don’t know how everything on your calendar will get done or because you don’t know where to start? Are you frustrated with your partner for slacking on chores? Are you angry because you don’t feel valued by your boss or a friend who keeps bailing on plans?

For example, if your partner isn’t pulling their weight, you might be better off having a conversation rather than reorganizing your to-do list. If feeling under-appreciated at work is the source of your frustration, maybe spending more time looking for a new role should move to the top of your agenda.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by some massive or traumatic event outside of your control, it’s probably worth reaching out for some support (friends, family, a therapist, whoever) first so you aren’t going through the next steps alone. 

2. Don’t skip over the basics.

Not to add more to your to-do list, but making time for some very basic self-care tasks isn’t going to derail your whole day. Actually, it can help you better show up for everyone and everything on your list. 

So if you’re not sure what to prioritize first, start here: eat breakfast, brush your teeth, spend five minutes journaling (or meditate, go on a walk, or whatever activity boosts your mental health). Then take on the rest of your day. 

If you’ve consistently neglected those basic feel-good habits, it’s probably contributing to how ill-prepared you feel to tackle your to-do list. So, going forward, try some little adjustments to help make sure you’re well-rested, fed, hydrated, and fueled for whatever you have to do next. That might look like putting your phone on “do not disturb” at 8 p.m. every night, going to bed just a smidge earlier instead of starting another episode, blocking 30 minutes on your calendar to eat lunch or go for a walk each day. (You wouldn’t skip a work meeting, right?)

3. Do a brain dump of everything weighing on you.

Now, it’s time to make The List. Jot down all the things you need (or want) to take care of that are cluttering your mental space. Don’t hold back—include your work responsibilities, commitments to friends and family, the habits you’re trying to start or sustain, and the random projects you want to take on.

Even if you can’t realistically do all of that today (or even this year), the goal is to relieve the pressure to remember everything you want to get done, says psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at New York University Langone Health. 

4. Find the to-dos that fuel you.

Think of yourself as a battery containing emotional energy. “Some things drain us, some things charge us, some things have no impact,” says Dr. Gold. Being aware of that can help you pinpoint the tasks and goals that matter most to you. 

Take a beat to reflect on that massive list you just made. What gives you life? Ask yourself: Am I excited for this? Do I look forward to it? Is this something I want to make time for? Lee says. Make a note of the ones you’re hyped about. 

By the way, if nothing on this list excites you, add in things that do! It could be as simple as watching more reality TV or reading a new fantasy novel.

It might even be worth highlighting these in a certain color so you can make sure to sprinkle them into your prioritized list, even if they aren’t the most pressing things. 

5. Organize what’s important and urgent—and what’s not.

OK, we’ve finally arrived at prioritization station. To manage everything on your giant list, Dr. Stern suggests categorizing every task using two criteria: important and urgent. This breaks down into four buckets: important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent. (She recommends using the Eisenhower Matrix as a helpful visual.) 

The things that are both important and urgent, like paying bills and feeding yourself/your family, should stay on your list and move toward the top. The stuff that’s important but not urgent, like, say, negotiating your cable bill, can get pushed down the list. The urgent things that aren’t super important, like your favorite spin class or that pile of dirty laundry, are things you might be able to skip, delay, or delegate.  This is the time for you to practice saying no and asking for help. 

The rest of your list should be things that are not important and not urgent. All of these (with the exception of those basic self-care tasks and a few things that truly fuel you) can be moved to the bottom of the list or deleted altogether. Now we’re cooking! 

6. Zap the energy suckers.

Even with a consolidated list, try to stay flexible, says Lee. Instead of mandating that everything must happen, use your feelings and your bandwidth to determine what habits or tasks are working and what aren’t. For example, if you’re blocking out time for a new hobby but it’s not as fun as you imagined, don’t force it, she adds. It’s OK if it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That said, it’s worth digging deeper when your gut reaction is to avoid something you know brings you joy. “Sometimes when we say no, it’s just because we’re overwhelmed and don’t recognize that,” Dr. Gold says. In those cases, it could be worth delegating some of your other tasks or finding a smaller-scale way to make that activity work. Maybe you read a book a month instead of a book a week or train for a 5k instead of a half marathon.

7. Give yourself a break.

Prioritizing every part of life is hard and everyone struggles with it, Dr. Gold says. So a little self-compassion goes a long way when you’re running on empty and pummeled by calendar invites. 

When that happens, take a break from your agenda and get grounded by taking a walk outside, hopping in the bathtub, or doing a mindfulness exercise. If that’s not possible, try responding to negative thoughts and rude self-talk the way you’d speak to a friend. You can recite some realistic positive affirmations. 

And, of course, if this becomes a pattern or you’re dealing with mental health symptoms that make it hard to function, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Maybe this process isn’t working or it’s bringing up other stuff, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, distraction, anxiety, or whatever, a mental health pro can help you get to the root of the issue, says Dr. Stern.

The post How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 10.23.24

How to Deal With the Mental Health Toll of Menopause—From People Who Know 

If you know, you know. ByHeather Morgan Shott

Ah menopause, the point in time when people with a uterus stop getting their period and start getting a lot of unexpected health symptoms. Ask anyone who’s been through it or currently going through it and you’ll hear that the experience is a whole lot more than just the end of your fertility.

In addition to loads of stressful physical issues (like hot flashes, insomnia, wonky menstrual cycles, and heart palpitations), more recent research suggests that mental health symptoms can come with the territory too. And it usually starts in your mid-to-late 40s, thanks to perimenopause (the time leading up to menopause when the levels of estrogen produced by your ovaries fluctuate and your cycle begins to change, per the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists).

The link between menopause and mental health

A 2023 systematic review published in the journal Australasian Psychiatry concluded that “there is a ‘window of vulnerability’ for depression and anxiety during menopause.” Some of the risk factors they found included a history of depression and anxiety, physical symptoms (like hot flashes and trouble sleeping), stressful life events, and a lack of social support. Similarly, a recent systematic review and meta-analysis found that perimenopausal people had a higher risk of depression than premenopausal people. 

So, what might be causing this link—aside from the horrible physical symptoms? Experts say hormones are likely to play a role. Unlike the weekly hormonal shifts that happen to premenopausal people, the levels of estrogen and progesterone vary over the course of years during perimenopause and menopause, explains psychiatrist and researcher Judith Joseph, MD, a board member of the non-profit Let’s Talk Menopause. Those long-term hormonal fluctuations may disrupt the neurotransmitters serotonin and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), which impact your mood, anxiety, and sleep, says Dr. Joseph. 

Unfortunately, all of this can strike amid typical midlife stress: raising teenagers, caring for aging parents, career changes, and facing age discrimination at work, says Melissa Greenberg, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and founder of Princeton Psychotherapy. Add in endless doctor appointments, sleepless nights, and other seemingly random physical symptoms, and you’ve got a serious mental struggle on your hands. 

If you can relate, Dr. Joseph says metacognitive therapy (MCT) and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be helpful, though pretty much any kind of work with a mental health professional is a great choice for navigating the unexpected challenges of perimenopause or menopause. Even if you never thought to seek out therapy before, having a designated time, place, and person to share your challenges and emotions can make you feel less overwhelmed and alone. 

In the spirit of sharing what’s worked for others in your shoes, we asked people to share how they coped with the mental and physical toll of menopause, learned to advocate for themselves, and—ultimately—thrived. Here are their stories. 

I built a support system.

“At the age of 39, I went through a very difficult divorce and my anxiety went through the roof. I felt rage. I would fly off the handle at something very small, and then after, I would sob in my room because I had gotten so mad at my children over something so small. I would get so upset with anyone who was unkind or rude to me. My heart would start pounding, and I could feel my face getting hot. I didn’t trust myself to go to social gatherings because I was afraid I would show my rage and lose friends. I became reclusive and would go days without talking to anyone, especially when my kids were at their father’s house. I had never acted this way before. I later learned that these symptoms were a direct result of perimenopause.

I remarried and, luckily, I have an amazing husband and kids and friends, who help me feel supported and less alone. This stage in life can feel like a roller coaster. But my support system also includes a psychiatrist I see sometimes weekly during really stressful times. I will sit in his office and just cry without saying a word and he will wait. We then talk through events and how I responded to them over the past week. I have walked in during a panic attack and he has talked me through it to relieve the pressure in my chest and settle my mind. 

I am now on medication to help with anxiety, and I have no regrets taking it. I also found a midwife who truly gets me (just as they help people in the labor and delivery process, midwives can help people spot the signs of menopause and manage the physical impact), and we’re working together to find a treatment plan that will relieve my symptoms. She says things like, ‘I understand how you feel. This is normal. I have felt this, and we will get through this,’ which helps calm my anxiety about my physical symptoms.” —Elizabeth C., 48

I changed my routine.

“I was put on antidepressants in my mid-forties. I was really anxious, and I had a low- grade depression. I was tired a lot, and I didn’t have the desire to work out even though I was gaining weight. I had brain fog. I was having really heavy periods. Then, one night I was on air anchoring a newscast and my heart was racing out of control. I was hot all over. I thought I was going to pass out or throw up. During a commercial break, the sports anchor helped me get up. I went to the bathroom and laid on the floor for 15 minutes and eventually felt better.

I blamed how I was feeling mentally on my divorce, but after that incident at work, I saw my gynecologist of 20+ years. After my appointment, I got an email that said, ‘You’re in menopause. Let me know if you have any questions.’ No advice, just that dismissive message. I saw five different doctors in search of answers. I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and I don’t have mood swings or anxiety like I did before. I sleep better and I feel more focused. My mind is clearer.

I’ve changed my lifestyle as well. I swear by cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) because it has helped me understand and change negative patterns of thoughts, behaviors, and feelings into positive ones. Working out stimulates me on so many levels—it’s how I start my day. It has also given me confidence, since I’ve become stronger, have better balance, and am healthier overall. I used to think of self-care as a luxury, but it’s actually a necessity.” —Tamsen Fadal, 53, TV journalist and author of How to Menopause: Take Charge of Your Health, Reclaim Your Life, and Feel Even Better than Before, and producer of the documentary The M Factor 

I learned to take a pause.

“I had to have my ovaries and tubes surgically removed, which immediately put me into menopause. Educating myself about what was to come by reading (The Menopause Manifesto,  The Vagina Bible, and What Fresh Hell Is This?) and talking to my therapist about what to expect after surgery helped me feel more empowered because I wasn’t going into menopause blindly.

After my surgery, it was like a punch in the face. I was mad about things that weren’t a big deal—like, I wanted bread but we didn’t have any because someone in my family ate the last piece and didn’t replace the loaf. I felt like I wanted to murder everyone. On top of all that, I was coping with all these layers of grief from my sister’s and mother’s recent deaths, as well as figuring out college for one child, high school for another, and caring for my husband’s aging parents. 

My therapist taught me how to cope with it all. If I got upset about something, I used mindfulness skills that I learned in therapy to observe how I felt, take a deep breath, and realize that whatever was upsetting me wasn’t that big of a deal. My therapist also told me to walk to help clear my mind, so I was really proactive about going outside in the morning with a friend and getting vitamin D. Taking this break from my responsibilities helped lower my stress levels. It’s been over a year now, and I’m in a really good place.” —Kim B., 48

I exercised to stay calm.

“It was like going through a second puberty. I had a ton of anxiety and I felt gaslit every time I asked my doctor questions about new physical symptoms. For example, I have a hereditary heart arrhythmia and my palpitations got much worse as I entered the later stages of perimenopause, which led to a surgery I now think was unnecessary. Much later, I learned that the loss of estrogen during peri/menopause may be correlated with cardiovascular disease. Disrupted sleep also contributed to my anxiety, due to recurring hot flashes at night, and I took melatonin for about a year to cope.

Exercise definitely helped my heart issues and my mental health—especially yoga. Focusing on my breathing and staying trained on whatever flow I was doing that day helped keep me in the present, which in turn calmed my mind. I rode my recumbent cycle or hit the treadmill, and both boosted my sense of well-being. I also went on long walks with my dog in a park with lots of trees and birds and focused on the sounds of nature around me. Mindfulness exercises, like being in nature, really do soothe the soul. As my body rebalanced itself, my mood improved.” —Lauren D., 56

I worked with my doctor to ease my mental health symptoms.

“My first perimenopausal mood swing scared me. I had a very extreme reaction to something that was such a non-incident. I don’t even remember what it was. I’ve never even gotten crabby during my periods. When I was pregnant, it was like someone gave me a happy pill. As time has gone on I’ve had trouble with emotional regulation—like crying during a commercial I would have barely noticed before. I’ll stress about things way more than I otherwise would and get overwhelmed easily, even by something as simple as cooking dinner—and I really enjoy cooking.

After speaking to my doctor about functional medicine for menopause I started taking supplements my doctor approves of, and they’ve helped me feel more calm.” —Anonymous, 47

I used cognitive behavioral therapy.

“By the time I was 40 or so, I was experiencing vaginal dryness, painful sex, and my period went from totally manageable to incredibly heavy. I started to experience brain fog, which felt like sifting through layers of thick mist in an effort to access memories, especially things that just happened a few days ago, which was incredibly frustrating.

I have taken medication for anxiety for a long time, but I began experiencing more defined mood swings while adjusting to hormone replacement therapy. I am a therapist, so I use the basic principle of cognitive behavioral therapy to cope: I observe what I’m feeling but recognize what I’m going through will pass. Speaking with other women who are experiencing perimenopause symptoms helps me cope as well. I also take long vigorous walks to get my heart pumping and produce mood-regulating endorphins.” —Francesca B., 44

I started sleep meds.

“For me, menopause happened all at once about 10 years ago. I became a completely different person. I got extremely anxious about my children’s test grades in high school, and that anxiety persisted until they both graduated from college. On top of that, there were many nights when I only got three hours of sleep. My doctor prescribed sleeping medicine, which helped me rest better. With more energy, I was able to keep up with Pilates, which soothed my nerves and boosted my confidence.” —Maddie A., 59

The post How to Deal With the Mental Health Toll of Menopause—From People Who Know  appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.26.24

How To Be There For Someone With Primary Progressive Aphasia

I've learned that presence is so much more powerful than communication. ByLauren Wisniewski

Like many, I was saddened to hear the recent news that Wendy Williams was diagnosed with primary progressive aphasia (PPA) and frontotemporal dementia (FTD). My heart sank with familiarity. I know this diagnosis and I know the devastatingly long road that comes with it. 

My father was diagnosed with PPA/FTD over 10 years ago, and my family has been navigating this new reality ever since. I’ve also become involved with the National Aphasia Association (NAA) in an effort to broaden advocacy and awareness of the disease because I know how hard it is for those who are diagnosed, their loved ones, and the broader community to understand. 

When my dad was diagnosed, he was only 50 years old. He had been working as a top executive for General Motors, traveling the world, emanating hard work and success. The retirement phase of his life was not even on the horizon. The diagnosis was a shock. It was too early for something like this. He was so young and had lived an exciting, adventurous, and healthy life. When his diagnosis came, my family felt like we had more questions than answers. My dad, my mom, my brother, and I had no idea what this diagnosis meant, what it meant for his lifespan and quality of life, or how it would impact our lifestyles. My parents walked out of the doctor’s office with a diagnosis but no real information to answer all of those “What now?” questions. 

So, now, when I hear of the diagnosis in the news, similarly to when Bruce Willis’ FTD diagnosis was shared, I feel immense empathy. There are so many unknowns that must be swirling for that person and their community. It is a scary, unclear tunnel to be walking into. I also feel a sense of gratitude. As a celebrity, they are able to significantly raise awareness about the disease, which will hopefully have a ripple effect. This announcement is an opportunity to create more understanding and improve care for those diagnosed. 

What is primary progressive aphasia and frontotemporal dementia? 

The NAA describes PPA as a neurological syndrome that is caused by a neurodegenerative disease, such as Alzheimer’s disease or FTD. FTD, also sometimes called frontotemporal lobar degeneration or frontotemporal disorders, is an umbrella term for a group of rare and progressive disorders caused by nerve cell loss in specific areas of the brain, according to the National Institute on Aging (NIA). 

That’s a mouthful, but what it boils down to is that PPA impacts the part of the brain that deals with communication. The ability to speak continuously declines over time, according to the NAA. And, with this type of frontotemporal disorder, many also experience decreases in memory and bodily functions as the disease progresses, according to the NIA. 

A critical piece to understand, however, is that people with PPA maintain their personality. Internally, they may be able to comprehend for a longer period of time than they can communicate outwardly. 

My dad initially lost the ability to read and write, followed by a loss of vocabulary. After 10 years, he has only a handful of words that he can say, which, along with some sounds, can be used to describe any number of things. He will say, “I’m going to go biking,” and that can refer to anything from “Hi, it’s nice to see you” or “I’m going to go for a walk” or “I have a problem. Can you take a look at this?” 

I have to focus on his inflection, routine, and body language to understand what he is trying to communicate. I can see the emotion in his eyes when I come in the door with my sons to spend time with him. I can see in his body language when it is too cold outside or when he furrows his brow to indicate a problem. I know his daily routine and what activity might be next for him. By knowing him—the personality that I have always known—I can help care for him on this PPA journey. 

How to be there for someone with primary progressive aphasia 

This disease and how it impacts someone (and their support system) will look different for everyone. Never was that more apparent than when the NAA began holding regular virtual chats for people living with PPA and their caregivers. I was stunned to see dozens, sometimes even hundreds of participants sign up. There were similarities in the stories shared, but there were also different experiences, tips, stages of progression, and resources that worked for each person. 

The NAA recommends strong family support and expert professional services, including speech-language pathologists. I echo that advice, but I also know how hard it can be to navigate this new normal. Here are a few lessons that have helped my family as we learned how to be there for my dad through his diagnosis. 

1. Follow their lead. 

When my dad was diagnosed over a decade ago, there was little information on care available to us. However, the neurologist did make a powerful statement to my mom: “Let him live in peace.” For us, that meant take him home, go slowly, and help him find comfort. 

This has been our guiding principle ever since. What we have learned: Let the person with PPA/FTD take the lead in regard to their care. What activities do they prefer? How do they normally feel connected? What kind of support would make them feel comfortable? How do they find joy in the everyday?

2. Showing up matters. 

I’ve learned that presence is much more powerful than communication. I may not be able to fully relay to my dad that I am sorry for what he has to go through or that I am here to help, but I can see that he brightens up when I show up. He is more aware and he tries to do simple things that he doesn’t normally do, like offer me a cup of coffee. I usually have my kids in tow, so he gets to watch their brightness, curiosity, and playfulness. My presence can be reassuring to him in navigating tricky situations too—like getting a vaccine. 

I have realized just how much I can say through body language, so that is primarily the way I communicate with him now. That said, calling him on the phone is also a way to show up for him. The vocal interaction may be a bit awkward, but what is said is not what matters. What matters is that we are there and he feels a sense of love and connection. 

3. Get creative when it comes to language development.  

My dad has always been incredible at conducting experiments. His career as an engineer was built on testing and improving. Early on in his diagnosis, he experimented with different ways of maintaining his vocabulary. He tried language development apps and games, but he quickly preferred his own methods of note taking and mimicking words. 

My family and I continue to take his cues and experiment with ways to help him too. We learn his language and nonverbal communication. Puzzles used to be his best means of brain development, so we integrated family member recognition by printing pictures of his close family members onto puzzles.  

4. Maintain a routine. 

My dad’s daily routine is his lifeline. It is the thing that allows him to not only extend his life but live in a way that feels comforting and supportive. He used to love biking every day. It was always a part of his life and it gave him a sense of normalcy, activity, and community. For as long as possible, we made sure that he could continue to bike safely, monitoring his bike path with phone apps and luggage trackers attached to his bike and shoes. These days, he can no longer physically go biking, but he maintains his routine by going for short walks or following his bike path in the car as my mom drives him around. 

His routine also allows him to communicate when something is not right. About a year ago, he had a major shift in routine where he would not get out of bed and was not eating what he used to eat or enjoying what he used to enjoy. We understood something was significantly wrong and ended up in the emergency room to resolve a physical pain issue he was experiencing. Changes in his routine are not always an emergency, but they do help us understand his progression. 

5. Above all, be empathetic and understanding. 

I cannot begin to imagine how imprisoning it must feel to have thoughts inside but not be able to communicate them outwardly. The best thing I know that I can do to care for my dad is continue to respect him and love him as the dad I have always known him to be. The symptoms of the disease continue to get worse, and as it gets harder to understand him or to help navigate his new behaviors, I remind myself that what he may need most is for us to keep showing up for him and treating him with compassion. 

Empathy is the message I hope to share with anyone who encounters someone with PPA—from medical providers to restaurant employees to neighbors. Even if someone is not a family member or caregiver of someone with PPA, it is helpful for any community member to know that while this person cannot communicate, they still long for connection, presence, and understanding. Patience, respect, and attention to nonverbal cues are essential in the interaction.

6. Remember to care for yourself too. 

The final piece of my family’s story is the importance of self-care for caregivers. There is no easy way to say that PPA/FTD is a long and devastating disease. It is a mentally, logistically, and emotionally heavy burden, and caregiver burnout is real. Maintaining a routine and making sure that the person diagnosed lives comfortably takes incredible effort from those in the supporting role. 

That caregiver also needs a chance to take breaks now and then. They need laughter and lightness. They need comfort and recognition that being sad is OK, especially on tough days. They need a sense of connection themselves. My family members and I all navigate this journey in different ways, but it is essential that we all support ourselves and our own sanity. We can show up best for my dad when our cups are full. We need support, comfort, and connection so that we can bring that light to him too. 

Showing up for someone with PPA/FTD has been a profound journey. My family has learned so much since the day we found out about the diagnosis. Our journey has gone from complete unfamiliarity to a unique expertise in care, and we hold tight to the connection that we have with my dad: a special connection, even without words.

The post How To Be There For Someone With Primary Progressive Aphasia appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.01.23

7 Actually Realistic Ways to Deal With Burnout

No hustle culture allowed. ByMara Santilli

Exhausted by Wednesday even though you slept for 10 hours and snoozed your alarm twice? Tapped that “do not disturb” button on your phone and skipped plans with friends on the weekend to bed rot until further notice? Can’t actually do any of that because you’re too busy doing the things that are making you feel this way in the first place? This cycle can make you feel hopeless, exhausted, and curious if literally anyone knows how to recover from burnout.

The answer is yes (yay!). But first, here are the basics of what’s going on. Unsurprisingly, burnout is caused by a very obscure, very unique condition called…stress (ever heard of her?). “Burnout is the result of unmanaged chronic stress. It happens over time (not just overnight) and is typically caused by being hyper-focused on meeting the needs of others or pushing yourself to the max,” says psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD. And even though the World Health Organization’s definition of burnout is specifically related to work, the concept also applies to other life obligations, like with caregiver burnout. 

It feels like wanting to hibernate in bed and avoid your to-do list, that’s for sure, but the anxiety and mental exhaustion associated with burnout and not doing enough work also can manifest in physical symptoms. It’s not uncommon for people dealing with this issue to have a hard time sleeping, a weaker immune system, and even stomach issues, explains therapist Angela Wu, LMFT, who specializes in Asian mental health issues, anxiety, burnout, and depression. 

Some types of people are more prone to burnout. For example, if you’re chronically people-pleasing or hard on yourself, it might be difficult for you to honor your need for a break or set clear boundaries around saying no when you’re at capacity, explains Wu. If you have a case of imposter syndrome or feel really competitive at work, you might be susceptible. Anyone who feels like their worth is based on how much they get done at work or in life might be more likely to feel crispy over time. 

Burnout in the workplace might affect people with marginalized identities most, including people who identify as Black, Indigenous, People of Color, and women. That’s because things like discrimination, microaggressions, bias, sexism, stereotyping, isolation, or lack of representation can all likely contribute to burnout, explains licensed psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD, assistant clinical professor in the department of psychiatry at University of California, San Diego and Wondermind Advisory Committee Member. So can feeling extra pressure to defy cultural expectations and stereotypes in order to feel valued, she adds. And just being in that unfair position might make it even more of a challenge to tell your boss that you’re burned out. 

So, yeah, there’s a lot more to burnout than just ~being busy~ and putting out the flames isn’t as easy as just slowing down or doing yoga. There might be a lot of systemic bullshit that’s contributing to your burnout that’s fully out of your control, which is why the usual advice for fighting burnout can often feel impossible or low-key delusional. (Sorry, we can’t all just quit our jobs or take a week off to fill our cups!) So, we asked the experts to give us actually realistic strategies to help deal with burnout…without burning your whole life down. 

1. Acknowledge that you’re on fire.

A tip for future you: You can’t address burnout if you don’t acknowledge that it’s happening. So when you start to notice things like insomnia, extra negative self-talk, avoiding social things, or just less enthusiasm for life, take a beat to check in with yourself. 

If you’re already fully aware of your burned-out state, getting more familiar with what that feels like for you can help prevent burnout from getting worse before you start taking action. So start journaling about what’s going on in your life and how you’re feeling physically and emotionally, says Wu. Do you have a lot of guilt about turning down the extra project you were asked about or can’t seem to set a boundary to stop checking your email after 6 p.m.? Jot that down.

2. Do something pointless. 

When you’re totally focused on what you need to do and not what you want to do, you’re on a path to Burnout Mountain. Sure, this is a little oversimplified, and some of us literally cannot do less because of life or money obligations. That said, finding a balance between need-to-do and want-to-do activities can help you avoid feeling fried.

If you’ve already arrived at this destination, that’s OK. You can climb out of that rut by trying to work in more stuff that energizes, motivates, and calms you. You know, the things you do just because they’re fun, explains Dr. Rubenstein. 

Even if your schedule is at max capacity, you can start with a small fueling activity in your downtime, Dr. Rubenstein suggests. If you’re craving a catch up, call a friend on your commute home. If you’re looking for a little solitude or a distraction, make that commute designated podcast or audiobook time. Or, if movement helps you feel better, try to squeeze in a little morning mental health walk (without checking email or Slack) before your day gets going. The goal is to balance draining tasks you’d describe as “should do’s” or “have tos”’ with the “get to dos.”

3. Take timed breaks. 

When you’re in the thick of it, penciling actual breaks into your schedule can help ensure that you’re getting enough mental rest to start feeling better, says Wu. Even if you feel guilty about taking a breather or have no idea how to relax, this IS a must-do if you want to recover from burnout. But because burnout can make you super distractible, be sure to set a timer to keep it short and sweet. The goal is to have more conscious, restorative breaks throughout your day, rather than one unhinged TikTok binge that leaves you feeling more stressed.

Sure, a break could mean just lying down for 20 minutes once a day. But they can also look like meditating (for those who partake) or watching a funny TikTok, says Dr. Polyné. Anything that shifts your focus onto something that doesn’t feel like work is fair game. 

4. Check-in on yourself.  

When we get burned out, it’s usually not until we’re feeling completely exhausted or even ill that we think, Hm, is something wrong here? That’s partially because “when dealing with burnout it’s easy to disconnect from yourself and your needs,” says Dr. Rubenstein. And when you ignore the physical signs of stress—like muscle tension, fatigue, and headaches—you’re missing key warning signs that you need to slow down and give your bod (and your mind) some attention. “By tuning into your body and noticing things like tension in your neck you can address small signs of stress before they become bigger,” adds Dr. Rubenstein.

So now that you’re fully in it, try to work more mind-body practices into your routine whenever you can. That could mean getting up from your computer to stretch your arms, neck, and roll your shoulders a few times or following a progressive muscle relaxation on YouTube or Spotify before bed. You could even just check in with yourself once an hour to see if you’re thirsty or hungry. All of those little things can help you start feeling better.

5. Say no to something—anything!

When you’re nearing burnout or already there, you might feel like you can’t take on one more thing, but you end up doing it anyway. Sometimes that means hustle culture-ing yourself into getting one last project in before you sign off for the week or forcing yourself to meet up with friends even though you’re beat. 

Though it can feel like doing the thing is easier than giving an excuse to skip out, the long-term repercussions can make burnout worse. So even if you have FOMO or feel weird asking your boss for an extension, remind yourself that there will be more opps for you to show up—and you’ll be able to do that as your best self then. It’s not up to you to do everything, says Wu. The more you practice turning down things, the easier it will be when you feel like your mental state is overwhelmed. It’ll help you recover from burnout now and hopefully avoid it in the future.

6. Make self-compassion your go-to.

Let’s assume you did something kinda tough like turning down that work assignment or birthday brunch. While you are crushing the self-care game with that one small move, it might not feel like it. In those cases, when you do something hard that’s good for Future You, it can be helpful to give yourself a positive affirmation, Dr. Rubenstein. “Extend kindness to yourself in tough moments like you would with a friend,” she adds.

For example, you might say, “This is really hard, so I am going to be gentler to myself today,” suggests Dr. Rubenstein. Or, “Putting my needs first helps me take care of me.” You can rely on this little go-to whenever you need some inner support. 

7. Explore your relationship to work. 

It might be hard to muster the strength to analyze why you’re doing what you’re doing, but that little reflective moment can help you change the patterns that got you here. Think about why and how you prioritize work over your well-being, whether that’s the work you do in your career or taking care of your family or other emotional labor. Do you let those tasks or responsibilities define who you are? Do they feel like the most important things in your life? If so, why? Then, write out a list of values to get more clarity on the other things that matter to you, Dr. Polyné suggests. Those could be your health, fun, quality of life, and gratitude. See if there are things as worthy of your time and energy as your job or responsibilities.

The post 7 Actually Realistic Ways to Deal With Burnout appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.28.23

8 Ways to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

Aka, how to not make things even worse. ByChantelle Pattemore

I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles to find the words to comfort a grieving friend. You get so worked up about potentially saying the wrong thing that you end up fumbling over your words, not saying anything at all, or making a too-soon type of joke that nobody wants to hear. Who else here is still cringing hard at Lilly in Princess Diaries (you know, when she tells Mia to basically get over her dead dad because it’s been two months)? But we know you are not Lilly! You just…never really got a manual on what to say to a grieving friend.

Grief is so multifaceted and, unfortunately, common. Basically, grief is your reaction to losing anything that’s meaningful to you, explains Gina Moffa, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and grief and author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide To Navigating Loss. So, while grief obviously includes the loss of life, it can also mean anticipatory grief (like when someone is alive but has a terminal illness), a friendship breakup, a job loss, or a major change in your financial circumstances or quality of life. When you throw all those different scenarios into the mix, knowing how to support someone who is feeling down becomes even more complex.

The other super tricky part of grief (especially for all the let-me-fix-that-for-you type of friends) is the fact that “there’s no problem to be solved,” says Litsa Williams, LCSW-C, a clinical social worker, grief therapist, and co-founder of the What’s Your Grief online community. “It’s really difficult for a lot of people to sit with the fact there are no solutions to a loss.” We can’t raise the dead or make our sibling’s ex fall back in love with them or tell your bestie’s boss they made a big mistake (huge!) and force HR to rehire your bud. Predictably, that can make us feel useless and out of control.

And when conversations around grief are far from normalized, how are we supposed to know WTF to do!? “If we could have grief education and literacy in our culture, we wouldn’t have people afraid of not knowing how to connect, and we would not have people experiencing grief alone, wondering how to navigate it,” Moffa adds.

So, because most of us are out here winging it, here are eight expert-backed ways to be there for someone who is grief-stricken—without making things suck even more. 

1. You have to actually be there—whatever that looks like. 

This is as simple as it sounds: Regularly show up for the person, either IRL or virtually. “Just showing up is really half the battle,” Moffa says, explaining that remembering to connect with a loved one during the grieving process isn’t always the default and can be tough. “The deepest, most powerful healing tool we have is connection. Something that fills that void with love in some form or another, that witnesses [their] pain so [they’re] not suffering alone.” 

What you say when you’re with the person can be equally straightforward too. Remember: Your loved one isn’t expecting you to fix their pain or reverse their loss; they’ll simply appreciate that you’re there. Moffa suggests simple phrases like, “How are you doing?” or “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?” since these “give people permission to share with you.” 

At the same time, you want to avoid clichés that naturally come to mind when something bad happens, because they can make the person feel worse, says Megan Devine, LPC, a therapist, grief advocate, and author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK. So maybe don’t say stuff like, “Everything happens for a reason,” which can be hurtful if a person died or an eviction notice is right around the corner thanks to a sudden loss of income. Also, consider ditching the “You’re stronger than you think” vibes, because that might make them think they need to buck up and rub some dirt on their emotional wounds. 

While there’s no definitive endpoint for grief, your loved one might share that they’re doing OK after a while and no longer need as much support in this arena. So, to transition from grief check-in to general check-in, try blending the two. “Don’t stop checking [about the loss], just begin to add in other life questions,” suggests Moffa. 

2. Reframe how you think of helping.  

Wanting to comfort someone comes with a lot of pressure to take away someone’s pain, says Williams. And when you’re stressed about how to act and what to say, that can keep you from being there in their time of need. (Anyone else guilty of putting off a text when you don’t know what to write?) To get through that mental roadblock, try shifting “from comfort to support: the idea that you’re not going to fix it; you’re just going to be there,” Williams suggests. By accepting that you can’t “fix” feelings, you can ease some of your own anxieties and be fully present for the person when they need you most.

3. Please, please, please don’t change!

If you’ve ever ramped up the jokes to make a grieving friend smile or toned down your bubbly self to not offend anyone, you’re forgiven. But as tempting as it can be to adjust your personality during these times, Moffa says this isn’t the best approach to take. That’s because, after a loss, your loved one will likely feel as if everything is totally up-ended and “off”—and you suddenly acting brand new will probably make them feel even more confused. 

“I have a friend who’s a super jokester, but when my mom died, he was really serious,” recalls Moffa when thinking back to losing a parent. “And I was like, ‘Oh, no. Don’t do this.’” So show up as the person they know and love, not the person you think they want, and you’ll both feel a lot more comfortable.

4. Remember that what works for you isn’t always what works for them.  

When talking to someone who’s going through it, we tend to model what was helpful when we were experiencing something similar, or we think about what we’d like someone to do for us. But in this instance, you should treat others how they’d like to be treated, says Williams. Maybe your BFF brought ’round popcorn and a movie every other night when you were going through a breakup, which helped distract you. But, for someone else, these same actions might feel smothering or make them feel like a burden. 

While we can learn from past experiences, “keep in mind that we’re all different people,” Williams adds. “There is no magic checklist for what’s going to be helpful. A lot of it is about being able to engage in conversations and taking feedback. Really listen to what they’re telling you.” So, if someone tells you twice-weekly movie nights aren’t for them, ask if they’d prefer to have them every other week or monthly. Or maybe they’d prefer you didn’t come over but just sent funny TikToks that they can watch when they feel up to it. Whatever they communicate, respect it. 

5. But also see what you can take off their plate.

Along with any kind of loss comes a whole lot of extra baggage, like making funeral arrangements, deciding what to do with gifts from your ex, or reworking an old resume. The combo of overpowering feelings and a long list of tasks can make everyday activities (that unfortunately can’t be put on pause) seem unmanageable. That’s where you come in.  

Offering tangible support by bringing over pre-made meals, helping bookmark job listings, or hitting “block” on the ex’s social accounts shows you care while simultaneously taking a load off their plate. If you want to help in this way, just make sure you ask first (you don’t want to accidentally create extra work for them) and offer specific things you can do, Williams suggests—because saying, “Let me know what I can do” is vague, ambiguous, and can feel overwhelming for the other person.

6. Get a little nostalgic. 

If your loved one is mourning someone who passed away, sharing memories is a great way to show care and that you were also positively impacted by them. You might worry that talking about them will upset the person you’re comforting, but “the thing that often becomes most upsetting to people is feeling like everyone else stopped remembering that person,” Williams says. 

And the same goes for helping people through a friendship or romantic breakup. “Being able to remember that the ending of the relationship does not undo or redefine [its] value can actually be important and helpful,” Williams encourages. “The idea that a breakup means you now have to avoid or give up years of memories of your life together is almost another loss. We can (eventually) come to a place of appreciating the memories and what the relationship gave us.”     

If you’re questioning whether it’s OK to share, be open about that. Williams suggests saying something like, “I hesitated a little to share this with you because I was worried about it potentially feeling upsetting or making you upset. Is this OK?” That way, you’ll know where you stand and have potentially created an opportunity for your friend or family member to reminisce. 

7. Don’t assume they’ve “moved on.”

Again, don’t be like Lilly! If it’s been a while since your loved one’s loss and they appear mostly happy, don’t assume this is how they feel inside. “We often mistake people laughing or going to parties or going on with their life as somebody that’s ‘gotten over’ grief,” Moffa says, adding, “It’s a huge misconception.” 

So saying something like, “You looked great at this party last week; I’m so glad you’re feeling better,” might come with the best intentions, but it takes away the permission and opportunity for the other person to share, “Actually, things still aren’t so great.” Instead, go with something more neutral, Moffa says. You don’t have to be all, “Hey, are you still grieving?” But a casual, “Hey, how have you been doing? How is this all feeling to you lately?’” does the trick.  

8. Look after yourself too. 

You’ve probably heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” and it’s absolutely true, Moffa says. Supporting someone who’s in a funk can be an intense and emotionally draining process. If you don’t show yourself enough TLC, there’s no way you’ll be able to give any to anyone else. 

If you’re stuck in caregiver mode and don’t even know where to start when it comes to prioritizing yourself, a healthy dose of self-care can be as simple as eating a good meal, getting in some gentle exercise, sleeping, or playing a board game, says Moffa. 

But keep in mind that self-care might also look like setting boundaries, Williams adds. Boundaries are important when you’re comforting someone because while you want to support your person, you have to make sure you’re not overextending yourself—and it can be hard to say no to a grieving friend without feeling like a horrible person.  But to make showing up for them actually sustainable for you over the long term, you have to recognize that you won’t always be able to meet their needs when they want you to. When you struggle with this, keeping in touch with the people who support and uplift you is equally important, Williams adds.

The post 8 Ways to Help Someone Who Is Grieving appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.03.23

6 Tips for Dealing With Burnout as a Caregiver

These strategies can help when you’re in the thick of it. BySam Brodsky

If you’re the primary caretaker for your S.O., your parents, your kid, or whomever, you probably know that the stressful, overwhelming work of being responsible for another human (or humans!) can often lead to hardcore burnout, or, as the American Psychological Association puts it, physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that affects your motivation and mood. Yes, caregiver burnout is real.

When you’re going through it, you might notice that burnout makes you feel generally irritable and resentful of your situation or even the people you’re looking out for (or both), says Kelsie Scott, LCSW, owner of Therapy for Caregivers. Being fried can also come with a sense of helplessness or feeling isolated, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. Plus, and not to freak you out, burnout sometimes leads to anxiety and depression too, Scott adds. 

So, yeah, given all of the appointments, bills, cooking, and other responsibilities that come with caregiving, not having the drive or emotional bandwidth to tackle it all can be a pretty massive problem. But, even if you’re currently in bed hating life, it doesn’t have to be like this forever. 

The first step toward combating burnout, whether you’re on fire right now or just trying to avoid that, is to actually acknowledge that you’re going through a hard time, Scott says. Instead of pushing your feelings all the way down to get through the day, recognizing that there’s a problem sets you up to navigate those emotions and move forward.

Other than that, we’ve got a bunch of ways you can get back on track mid-burnout by taking care of your mental health. Sure, not every one of these expert-backed strategies will work for you, but take whatever seems doable. In the end, prioritizing your mind with the help of these tips enables you to get more done—or at least feel better while you get after it.

1. Practice saying no.

Since essential caregiving obligations are nearly impossible to take a break from, saying no in other areas of your life helps you conserve energy in the long run, says Hatch. Sure, it’s good to have some kind of life outside of caregiving (if you can), but if you find yourself reluctantly agreeing to plan a baby shower or help your cousin move, it’s time to change that. Burnt-out caregivers often agree to stuff like this since explaining why you can’t do it, aka setting that boundary, can feel harder than just doing it, says Hatch. 

That’s because oftentimes we feel guilty for setting boundaries or saying no thanks to society telling us we’re responsible for making sure other people are happy and taken care of, says Hatch. But, spoiler, you’re not! And feeling guilty doesn’t mean you did something wrong, notes Scott. Let yourself off the hook. 

2. Reclaim small moments in your day. 

Taking breaks isn’t going to magically cure your burnout, but spending 20 to 30 minutes doing something for yourself (like soaking in a bath, phoning a friend, checking emails, or sweating it out) can help you decompress and get a bit of energy back, says Scott. For example, if heading to a doctor’s appointment with the person you’re taking care of opens your anxiety floodgates, going on a walk or doing anything unrelated to caregiving—even for a short time—can give you a break from the anxiety, she explains.

You might feel off claiming time for yourself when you spend most of your free time taking care of someone who needs you—that’s normal, says Hatch. But giving yourself just a tiny bit of physical or emotional rest can help your body get out of overdrive mode and regulate your nervous system, she notes.

Now, if you’re not sure when you can even take a break, try tracking your schedule for a few days, suggests Scott. This can shed some light on how much “me time” you already take (or don’t take) and when you might be able to realistically hit pause, says Scott. 

She recommends writing out the things you do for a few consecutive days on paper or in your phone. If timing each task is too stressful, you can skip that. Just note when you took care of other people vs. yourself. When you look it over, see if you can erase a non-essential item from your to-do list and squeeze in a you  task, like journaling, working on a little creative project, or just sitting in a dark room with your eyes closed (it counts!).

3. Ask for help.

Not everyone has access to friends, family, or paid caregivers who can chip in, but if those options are available to you, use them! If not, see if you can access other kinds of help. Fill your manager in on what’s going on at home and ask if you can get a little more support with assignments, says Scott. Get some emotional backup by asking your best friend if you can vent for a few minutes or checking out support groups in your area. (FWIW, anger, frustration, grief, and other tough emotions can build up and feel painful to hold on to, which can make you even more burnt-out.)

Obviously, it can feel impossible to reach out for help when you’re in a whirlwind. But if you’re not completely tapped out, tell your close friends or fam about your situation and ask if they can make an effort to stop by, call, or text when they have a sec, suggests Hatch. Even if you can’t reply to their texts or calls, knowing they’re thinking of you can make you feel supported.

4. Ground yourself.

You can’t deep-breath your way out of burnout. But grounding exercises can be helpful tools for getting out of your head and away from your anxiety, says Scott. You know, like when the insurance company puts you on hold for the fifth time today. 

There are a few tools you can try: Go for a walk and pay extra attention to what you can see and hear and smell, focus on what’s around you in the room you’re in right now, tune into your breath, or use a technique like box breathing. 

5. Give yourself room to mess up. 

When you eff up as a caregiver, it can be hard to make peace with that mistake. But if you don’t, you might find it impossible to get things done. Instead of judging yourself for being a human with a lot on their plate, try to find a little self-compassion and give yourself a pass so you can cross off the next thing on your to-do list, says Scott. 

You might have had a bad morning at home and so you were super short with your boss. Instead of beating yourself up about it, apologize to your boss (if you feel like that’s necessary) and try to give yourself grace, Scott explains. “There’s no perfection in caregiving. Getting things wrong, because that will happen, is OK. Not knowing is OK. Asking for help is OK,” she says.

6. Create a caregiver constitution.

Another great way to prevent burnout is to make a list of realistic expectations for this role and remind yourself of them when you’re feeling overwhelmed (Scott calls this a “caregiver constitution”). These can be guidelines for how you’ll make time for yourself, which of your strengths you’ll utilize as a caregiver, what responsibilities you’ll tackle and which ones you’ll outsource, or whatever you think will be important to remember while you’re taking this on. 

For example, you might promise yourself that you’ll only let yourself be mad about a mistake for two minutes instead of the whole day or that you’ll attempt to squeeze in a mental health walk at least once a week. This list isn’t a cure for burnout, and it might even be tough to get on paper if you’re struggling right now, but  reminding yourself of these goals can keep you from falling into unhelpful patterns. And you can always switch it up to reflect new goals, boundaries, or whatever you want to keep in mind as a caregiver, says Scott.

The post 6 Tips for Dealing With Burnout as a Caregiver appeared first on Wondermind.