Stories Link Copied 02.26.25

15 People Get Real About Mental Health Medication

The harmful stigma around medication and mental health needs to end. ByCarina Hsieh Additional Reporting ByCasey Gueren

If it seems like the stigma around mental health medications is suddenly getting worse, you’re not wrong. Medications like SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety meds, and others have been the subject of some wild claims from Robert F. Kennedy Jr., newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Health & Human Services. During and since his confirmation hearing, RFK Jr. spread harmful misconceptions about these evidence-based mental health medications used to treat conditions like depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. 

“Research has continuously demonstrated the safety and efficacy of antidepressants and antipsychotics,” Chase T.M. Anderson, MD, MS, assistant professor in child and adolescent psychiatrist at University of California at San Francisco, tells Wondermind. “Every medication has benefits and risks, so physicians have a ‘risks and benefits’ talk before prescribing and allow space for questions. After prescribing, we monitor for adverse events with regular appointments. With the children, adolescents, and young adults I work with, we meet a few days or a week after. As time goes on and symptoms improve, we space check-ins out more so they can be off living their lives.” 

Despite the fact that RFK Jr.’s criticism of these meds isn’t based in science (more on that here), spreading misinformation can lead to increased stigma and stereotypes about mental health medications and the people who take them. 

If you think you might benefit from mental health medication, it’s worth talking to your primary care provider or a mental health professional to address any concerns floating in the back of your mind. In the meantime, here’s what 15 people had to say about their experiences with mental health meds, including how medicine helped life become more vibrant again and the lowdown on side effects.

1. Think of it like any other medicine you’d need…  

“I’ve been taking [medication] to treat my OCD for about 10 years and had tried other medications when I was in high school. I used to be super embarrassed—especially in high school—that people would judge me for it, and I also [had] fears about what taking medicine meant about me. Once my condition got worse, I had a therapist tell me that it was just like taking medicine to treat anything else. Now I am so fucking grateful for it because I don’t think I would be here without it, and I certainly wouldn’t have the life that I do. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that you shouldn’t need it, but it doesn’t make you weak.” —Olivia L., 29

2. …Or like a doctor-prescribed safety net. 

“I was on a variety of antidepressants for roughly a decade, from age 14. There were obviously downsides and side effects, but the medication provided a really important safety net whilst I sorted out [my life]. I was fortunate to have doctors who were receptive when I wanted to try different medications, especially as there is no perfect antidepressant. Being a really young person on mental health medication often gets strange looks, but I knew it was the right choice because of the difference it made.” —Oliver A.*, 25 

3. Remember that feeling 100% perfect isn’t the goal… 

“While dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, I hit my absolute bottom. I experienced huge bouts of rage directed at myself and others, had panic attacks every single day, and was ready to pack up my car and leave my husband and baby without any notice. I talked to my doctor about being put on an antidepressant, and since then, I honestly feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m nowhere near 100% all the time, but being on medication takes the edge off and makes me feel like I can be around people without a panic attack brewing. Since going on medication, I have had only two panic attacks, which is a win for me—I was having at least one a day for months before.” —Kori B., 29 

4. …And that it’s OK if you get frustrated. 

“I have been on psychiatric medications for a variety of mental health issues since I was 16. I haven’t felt the stigma about taking mental health medications (thankfully, I have an amazing family and support system), but I have had to go on a journey within myself to accept that I will probably be on these medications for the rest of my life and that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that will always need this extra attention and care. 

As much as I sometimes hate that I’m taking six to eight pills a day, I know how horrible I felt all the time when I wasn’t on my medications. I truly feel like I deserve a happier, more fulfilled life than that. I have had the darkest depths of depression and the highest highs of manic episodes, but I am blissfully in the middle with this particular cocktail of medications I’m on right now. I still get to experience the full range of human emotion, and I don’t have to be a victim of my mind or scared of my thoughts. These advances in medicine are to make sure we all have the best lives possible, so why not embrace the fact that, yeah, I might be a little ‘off’ on my own, but I have so many resources available to me that can make my life so much better.” —Morgan S., 28 

5. Sometimes therapy isn’t enough.  

“I just started taking medication for depression this year, and I can’t believe I was living for years with the condition and its anxious symptoms when I didn’t have to. As an Asian American, mental health—and especially medication for it—isn’t something that’s talked about in my family. My parents thought I just needed to learn stress relief techniques and go to therapy, but that wasn’t enough. I realized [medication] was a viable and not uncommon option once my partner pointed out that many of my friends were on antidepressants and I asked them about their positive experiences with medication. I cried the first time I took a pill because I felt I was broken, but now I feel I can get so much more of my work done and enjoy being present with others without the compulsion to stay in my room and cry over stressful scenarios I’ve made up in my mind.” —Lauren C., 24 

6. It might take some time to get used to the medication…

“The process of deciding whether or not to start using medication to treat my anxiety and depression was stressful, but my psychiatrist, therapist, and close friends reassured me that it was a valid option to take on, seeing as my condition was worsening earlier in the year. What held me back the most was being seen as weak or broken. I felt like it was my fault for making choices that led me to become ill. But with time, I began to accept the fact that it was just biology, like how diabetics take insulin shots to regulate their blood sugar…taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) would help regulate the chemicals in my brain too. Adjusting to the medication was difficult for me—I dealt with nausea, poor sleep, and stomach problems while getting used to it and changing my dosage. But ultimately, even though the process wasn’t easy, it was also easily one of the best decisions I made all year.” —Rachel H.*, 23, 

7. …And one day, you and your doc might decide to switch it up. 

“I started taking an antidepressant back in 2017 while I was dealing with an excessive amount of panic and anxiety attacks. At first, I was skeptical that a small pill could take away my anxiety attacks, which had been causing me so much stress in my life. I took it anyway, starting off at a low dose and having the dosage raised by a small amount every month. I had a negative experience when my dose reached a certain level, but eventually, my body adjusted. It took a few months to really feel the positive effects of this SSRI, but when I did, it significantly improved my mental health, albeit with the occasional depressive episode. Antidepressants affect everyone differently, and for the most part it truly helped ease the cloud of excessive panic and anxiety attacks that followed me around. I’ve since stopped taking medication after speaking with my provider.” —Nina B., 29 

8. You might have to make some sacrifices… 

“My Sunday scaries used to involve a weekly panic attack about going back to work and the upcoming week ahead. Post medication, I haven’t had any panic attacks and can rationalize that anxiety in a realistic manner without spiraling into a panic. My sex drive and motivation are shot, but my Sunday evenings are better.” —Sera T. 29

9. …But the benefits can be worth it.  

“I avoided getting medicated for potential ADHD for years because my parents didn’t want ‘yet another thing wrong about me.’ I eventually got diagnosed at 30, and since taking medication, I am SO much more productive and honest with people. Some people think medication is a trap that makes you weak. I would say it makes me a stronger person who wants to live their life.” —Rin B., 31

10. It could save your life. 

“I have been lucky in my experience with medications to treat my depression. In high school, I was suicidal, and my mom forced me to see a doctor, which I resented, but it undoubtedly saved my life. I had the fortunate experience of the first med I tried working for me. It took time to find the right dose, but I’ve been on it for a decade now and can’t imagine my life without it. I grew up in a very small town where I think there was likely a lot of mental health stigma, but I have always been very open about it, and I think that worked to my advantage as a teenager and into adulthood. I feel awful on the rare occasions I forget my meds, but, in general, they make me feel like the life I want to build is possible.” —Lexie N., 26

11. It can help you tick off that to-do list.  

“When I actually remember to take my [ADHD meds], I feel like I log back into reality. I have combined type ADHD (as well as autism), and I didn’t realize how much I mentally checked out to cope with the simultaneously buzzing and boring world around me. So much of my body suddenly switched on [the first time I took my meds], and I was finally capable of putting my mind to something and doing it.” —Gates H.*, 27

12. It doesn’t make you weak. 

“In January 2022, I took a leave of absence from grad school for my mental health and began taking psychiatric medications. I spun a harmful narrative about myself that taking a break meant I was less intelligent and capable. The stigma surrounding medications certainly contributed, given the stereotype that if you take meds, you lack ‘mental toughness.’ Now, I’m happy to share my experiences with meds and how they have helped me build stability and resilience.” —Paige T., 26

13. And life might become more vibrant.  

“In 2015, during a period of depression and anxiety, my doctor told me that the most effective treatment for anxiety and depression was talk therapy in tandem with medication, so I started off on a low dose of medication. It was incredibly affirming to be diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and depression because it suggested my pain wasn’t all in my head and was valid. Even so, I was so ashamed that they prescribed psychiatric medication. About two weeks after taking my meds, I felt a 180-degree shift in my mental state. I describe in my book how colors started looking brighter, music started to sound better, and I felt taller both physically and emotionally. Seven years later, I’m in the process of successfully tapering off, but I’ll always be grateful for the way medication rewired some of the chemistry in my brain in a way I wasn’t able to do on my own.” —Marissa M., 30

14. And you can dedicate more energy to other areas of your life.

“I was diagnosed with GAD and depression in late 2019. My psychiatrist placed me on medication as a form of treatment, but I felt the effects of my diagnoses long before then. After years of reducing my symptoms to a ‘personality trait,’ getting a psychiatric diagnosis, treatment, and validation led to what felt like an alteration in my worldview. My depressive symptoms and severe anxiety became much more manageable, and my medication gave me the opportunity to dedicate more time and energy to practicing other forms of mental health and wellness that enhanced the effects of my medication.” —Noelle S., 23 

15. High achievers can benefit from it too. 

“When I was 25, I was a thriving, high-achieving, successful student turned post-grad professional, but my anxiety was crippling me. My primary care doctor prescribed medication to treat generalized anxiety and depression, which at the time, sounded absolutely terrifying. I begrudgingly took my prescribed dosage, which initially felt like admitting ‘defeat.’ 

Once I [found the right dosage], I felt like the medication had finally taken the edge off of life that my brain chemistry so deeply wanted. I’m deeply fortunate that the first prescribed medication worked for me, as I know it can take frustrating trial and error to find what works best for you.” —Taylor O., 32

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 15 People Get Real About Mental Health Medication appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 08.06.24

8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today

It's possible that second cold brew betrayed you. ByAnna Borges

Have you ever been chilling—just minding your own business—when, out of nowhere, anxiety enters the chat? Despite there being no discernable stressor around, it hits you with a bang of sudden panic or creeps up with a sense of dread, sweaty palms, or any number of other fun anxiety symptoms that decide to come along for the ride this time.  

If you’re anything like me, you might start going through the checklist of common culprits: Is there a legit threat around? Something I forgot to be anxious about? A sense memory from that time I puked in front of everyone in fifth-grade gym class? And when you come up blank, you’re left wondering: OK, then why the heck am I freaking out?!

The good news: You’re not alone. The less-good news: There are so many possible anxiety triggers that can set you off at any given time. We checked in with some experts to find out why you might be anxious at this (or any other) moment. 

What does it mean to “trigger” anxiety, anyway? 

Well, first, it’s certainly possible that nothing in particular kicked off your anxiety response—disproportionate or seemingly baseless anxiety is often seen as the hallmark of certain anxiety disorders like general anxiety, social anxiety, or panic disorder. But, most of the time, anxiety pops up or worsens thanks to a specific trigger—some of which you might not even notice or think to connect to anxiety.

“Sometimes we experience something stressful and logically feel real anxiety as a result,” says Ellen Vora, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and author of The Anatomy of Anxiety. Think of common anxiety inducers like speaking in front of a large crowd, taking an important exam, or watching a scary movie. Then there are the less tangible but just as triggering culprits: our own thoughts! These usually come in the shape of cognitive distortions like catastrophizing, ruminating, and jumping to negative conclusions. No surprise if you get anxious when that happens, right?

Other times we get what Dr. Vora calls “false anxiety”—not because it’s any less valid, but because it’s not kicked off by anything conventionally anxiety-inducing. We’ll get into a ton of examples of this in a bit, but basically your body and brain are interpreting your current situation as something to get really freaking anxious about. Dr. Vora emphasizes that being aware of these less common triggers is crucial for tackling anxiety effectively, whether you have an anxiety condition or need help managing anxiety when it occasionally pops up.

Here are some of those lesser-known anxiety triggers to keep an eye out for. 

1. You downed too much caffeine.

OK, if you’re an avid caffeine consumer who also struggles with anxiety, you probably know on some level that the two aren’t exactly a match made in heaven. Consider how caffeine impacts your body: It stimulates your central nervous system, increases your heart rate, and can make you feel jittery and on edge. “When we’re over-caffeinated, the effects feel synonymous with what we call anxiety,” Dr. Vora explains. And, unfortunately, your mind isn’t always great at distinguishing between the two. Sometimes it feels those cold-brew flutters and just assumes the worst. 

As for how much caffeine is too much? The FDA cites 400 milligrams (or roughly four cups of coffee) a day as generally safe, but your personal line between appropriately caffeinated and just plain anxious might be below or above that. So it helps to pay attention to how you feel after slurping coffee, tea, soda, or the caffeine vehicle of your choice. 

“Taking moments to pause and notice, ‘I’m feeling extra restless and on edge—did I have too much caffeine today?’ is a really important piece of monitoring how caffeine affects you,” says Natasha Reynolds, MDiv, a psychotherapist with Bloom Psychology. “Maybe your morning cup is just fine but your afternoon pick-me-up pushes you over the edge.” 

2. You didn’t get enough sleep last night.

You might be used to anxiety and racing thoughts wrecking your sleep, but did you know it can be a two-way street? Sleep helps us function in a zillion different ways—recouping the mental resources we need to regulate our emotions, maintain cognitive function, and support our overall brain health, to name a few. So it’s no surprise that not getting enough sleep can be a recipe for increased anxiety throughout the day. 

“We have a limited reservoir of mental energy that gets depleted during the day and then it gets replenished at night while we sleep,” Dr. Vora says. “So if we’re not getting adequate sleep, we wake up and set out into the day with a limited capacity for executive function.” Meaning we might be way more susceptible to minor stressors that wouldn’t normally get under our skin. 

3. Your blood sugar is low.

Whether you skipped a meal or have a condition associated with hypoglycemia, low blood sugar can lead to symptoms that mimic anxiety, such as shaking, sweating, and irritability. Like a lot of body oddities, that’s by design. According to Dr. Vora, this response is meant to cue us to forage for food (evolutionarily speaking). “It’s a decent design—it just so happens to unfortunately feel the same as anxiety,” Dr. Vora says.  

As for clues your blood sugar is to blame and not some other possible trigger? “If I have a patient who identifies with a feeling of hanger, that’s a pretty good sign that they might also experience anxiety when their blood sugar crashes,” Dr. Vora says. If you’re wondering if low blood sugar might be contributing to your anxiety, Dr. Vora recommends talking to a medical professional about it—whether that’s a primary care provider you trust, a registered dietician, or a holistic psychiatrist like her. 

4 You’re dehydrated. 

Another way you can leave your body extra susceptible to anxiety? Not watering it enough. I know, we really are just complicated plants. But it’s true—dehydration can cause symptoms like dizziness, heart palpitations, and headaches, which can be mistaken for anxiety or make existing anxiety worse, says Dr. Vora.

“A lot of my patients will have a panic attack in a setting like the subway and think, I’m scared of crowded places or being underground,” says Dr. Vora. “In reality, they’ve been standing on a hot subway platform for way too long and aren’t properly hydrated, so their heart starts to race in order to keep pumping enough blood to their brain, and suddenly, their body is back in a stress response.” Even if you do find certain scenarios nerve-wracking, Dr. Vora says staying hydrated is another tool for keeping your body calm and preventing unnecessary anxiety.

5. You’re hungover.

Hangxiety—that overwhelming feeling of dread and worry that hits the day after drinking—can be equal parts physical and emotional. For one, drinking can screw with your sleep, dehydrate you, and mess with your blood sugar levels, so the excess anxiety from the previous three points usually applies here, too, says Dr. Vora. Plus, as we previously reported, there’s a whole booze-fueled shift in neurotransmitters to blame for those morning-after mind games.  

And you might just wake up feeling extra regretful or anxious about what you might have said or done while intoxicated. “There’s often a lot of social anxiety as you reflect back on the night,” Reynolds says. “You’re feeling vulnerable, wondering, Did I do something wrong? Was I more talkative than usual? Should I be embarrassed?” It’s not hard to guess how your hungover brain would take that and run into full-on post-social scaries.

6. Your environment is overstimulating. 

We all have different tolerances for sensory input, whether you get frazzled in loud, crowded, or visually chaotic environments or can’t stand specific sights, sounds, textures, smells, or tastes. “Sometimes, when there’s all this input from different places, you can fall into a state of sensory overload,” Reynolds says, noting how many people describe feeling overstimulated as similar to anxiety. The feeling often lingers too. “You might get home from a really overstimulating day at work and wonder why your heart is still racing and you can’t seem to wind down.” 

You might be more sensitive to sensory triggers and the ensuing anxiety for a few reasons. Maybe your body isn’t up to the task of filtering thanks to another culprit on this list (say, lack of sleep or low blood sugar). Other conditions like ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, and PTSD have been shown to increase your sensitivity to sensory input and exacerbate anxiety too.

7. You’re scrollin’ and scrollin’ and scrollin’. 

You’ve probably noticed that the tiny device in your hand can stress you out—especially when it’s serving up the latest dread-inducing headlines. But it’s not just the content that can make you anxious as you scroll. 

Blue light exposure after sunset is associated with (you guessed it) poor sleep, as well as a feeling of alertness and arousal. The latter isn’t always a bad thing, but as with other things on the list, our body is sometimes quick to translate the sensation as anxiety, Dr. Vora says. So, while it might feel like a harmless habit, scrolling through social media late at night can set off a chain reaction that heightens physical symptoms of anxiety and disrupts your overall well-being.

8. You’ve picked up on some other unconscious cue. 

When you hear the word “trigger,” you might think of highly specific and personal things that are hard to sum up on a list like this—like smells that take you back to a time you feared for your safety, someone’s uncanny demeanor that flips your fight-or-flight switch, or some other deep sense memory that’s associated with something not great. 

In the moment, you’re not always aware of what’s vaulted you back to a stress-inducing time in the past—but you might recognize, “Hey, I’ve felt this way before,” says Reynolds. “No matter how our past traumas get triggered, it leaves us vulnerable to anxiety,” Reynolds says. Even if you can’t stop the wave of anxiety that follows, awareness still helps, she says. Being mindful of your sensitivities can, at the very least, keep you from getting caught off guard when the anxiety hits. 

The bottom line:

Anxious feelings don’t always show up with a clear and obvious explanation. Sometimes the cause is more subtle or personal because, well, bodies are weird. So if you notice your anxiety revving up unexpectedly, do a little investigating. Once you know what sets your anxiety off, Reynolds says, you can learn how to avoid it. 

That’s not to say the lesson here is to avoid all the triggers. “Identifying the seemingly benign aspects of our modern lives that create anxiety allows us to make informed choices,” Dr. Vora says. Maybe you skip that second cold brew or pay more attention to your sleep and alcohol intake if these things tend to set an anxious spiral into motion. “There are no rules about what we do with this information, but we deserve to know how they’re impacting our anxiety levels.”

The post 8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 07.11.24

31 Things Everyone With Anxiety Can Relate To

Unclench your jaw and dive in. ByAnna Borges

Having anxiety can feel like playing life on hard mode, where you’re constantly interpreting mundane events through panic-colored glasses. You are the queen of catastrophizing, a pro in overthinking, and your imagination for nightmarish “what if” scenarios truly knows no bounds. Basically, you could host a Ted Talk on what anxiety feels like—with zero prep work.

If this is all sounding pretty familiar to you so far, then you’ll probably relate to this list of common anxiety experiences. OK, maybe everything on this list won’t resonate with everyone since we all experience anxiety differently. Not only are there different conditions like generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and panic disorder, but we’re all unique humans whose anxiety manifests differently. IDK about you, but my anxiety changes flavor all the time, both over the years and even day to day. 

Still, chances are you’ve stumbled upon at least a few of these classic Anxious People Problems. So take a drink—er, I mean, deep cleansing breath, sip of water, or some other positive coping strategy—for every struggle that makes you say, Ugh, same.   

Just a bunch of experiences that perfectly sum up what anxiety feels like:

1. Assuming someone is either 1) dead or 2) mad at you whenever they don’t respond to your text.
2. Constantly catching yourself clenching your jaw or tensing your shoulders randomly throughout the day.
3. Convincing yourself you’re about to be fired whenever your boss sends an innocuous, “Hey, time to chat?”
4. Knowing caffeine makes your anxiety worse…but throwing gasoline on the fire by slurping down coffee anyway.
5. …Probably because you’re exhausted after staying up all night replaying every embarrassing thing you ever said and did.
6. Oscillating between your Fear of Missing Out and your Fear of Going Out whenever you get an invite.
7. Making a decision and immediately doubting it…then doubting your doubt, no matter how much you thought things through.
8. Getting an alert from your Apple Watch to log this heart-pumping workout, but you’re just…panicking.
9. Sheer disbelief at anyone who buys non-refundable tickets to anything (what if something happens?!).
10. Scrutinizing the punctuation choice in every text you send (was that period too harsh?!) or receive (WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT PERIOD?).
11. Wondering weekly if that new random symptom is the one that’s going to take you out (and convincing yourself yep, yep it is after an hour of Googling).
12. Overthinking your response to a simple “How are you?” because what if you say the wrong thing? And how are you anyway???
13. Politely smiling and nodding when people without anxiety swear meditation and deep breathing will cure you.
14. And fighting the urge to fight anyone who tells you to “just relax.”
15. Procrastinating and stressing about a problem that could easily be solved by a single phone call.
16. Convincing yourself you’re about to be the protagonist in everyone’s gossip the moment you leave the room.
17. Struggling to focus on tasks because your mind is too busy creating fictional disasters.
18. And just straight up earning the gold medal in Highly Imaginative and Improbable What Ifs (that you then convince yourself will for sure happen).
19. Always needing to know the plan so you can mentally prepare for everything—like how you’ll get there, who you’ll talk to, etc. etc. Uncertainty is chaos!
20. Dealing with post-drinking hanxiety on top of your usual hangover, because you’re sure you did or said something humiliating, even if everyone assures you that you didn’t!!!
21. Choosing your outfits before an anxiety-inducing event based on what will best cover up all the sweat.
22. The anxiety poops. Enough said.
23. The conviction that you 100% left the stove on/keys behind/water running, even if you double (and triple) checked before you left.
24. Preparing a mental script no matter the situation—and stumbling over your words anyway.
25. Serving as the unofficial meteorologist in your friend group because you’ve checked the forecast 20 times just in case.
26. Escaping for plenty of bathroom and water breaks to ground yourself. (You just need a sec, OK?)
27. Knowing full well that your anxiety is irrational but still not being able to ignore it completely.
28. Catastrophizing around even the smallest scenarios, because of course that silly mistake you made is going to Ruin Your Life.
29. Spending more time replaying the past or fretting about the future than enjoying the present.
30. Constantly debating with yourself: Is this my anxiety or my intuition talking?
31. And, finally, feeling highly suspicious about the rare times you’re not anxious. And then getting anxious about that instead. Because of course.

The post 31 Things Everyone With Anxiety Can Relate To appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.26.24

5 Things Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety

If one more person tells me to relax…fdsjafdsajfwedaj. BySam Brodsky

Over dinner, your friend says he can’t stop worrying about an upcoming wedding where he won’t know anyone. Imagining awkward small talk or dancing in a crowd of strangers hurts his stomach—bad. To you, it’s really not a huge deal! So, you say that. Plus, “Maybe you’ll meet some cool people.” 

Seems? Fine? But, if your friend is dealing with anxiety, this kind of response and others like it probably aren’t helping. That’s because any feedback minimizing or dismissing their concerns can make them feel misunderstood and potentially more anxious, says therapist Amber Benziger, LPC. That’s true even if you’re trying to be supportive.

For those who feel anxious a lot, especially people with an anxiety disorder, everything—including seemingly random stuff—can feel unsafe, Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, previously told Wondermind. They could also feel like they’re constantly being judged (see: social anxiety). All of that can make sleeping or focusing (or both) tough and might even make them annoyed or frustrated for no apparent reason. So, no, anxiety is not fun, and people who experience it need support from friends like you who care enough to read this. So yay for you!

Obviously, you don’t want to make things harder for your anxiety-prone people, so we asked experts for the most common responses to anxiety that do more harm than good. Here’s what not  to say to someone sharing their anxiety with you, why it’s unhelpful, and what to do instead, according to therapists.

1. “Look on the bright side!”

As we said, it sucks to see your person worry, but offering, “Could be worse!” doesn’t resolve anything. Instead, these kinds of responses are basically dismissing their very real anxiety, which can make them keep these feelings to themselves in the future, Benziger says. In the end, that shame can stop them from getting support to feel better, making the worries even worse, she says.

Also, we shouldn’t make others feel like they’re wrong for experiencing something other than positivity, Benziger adds. That’s true for anyone, of course, but for people with anxiety, toxic positivity like this “can be really invalidating,” she says. “You’re pretty much saying, ‘The way you’re feeling isn’t the right way to feel.’” (It’s the same as saying this to someone who’s depressed—you shouldn’t.)

It’s better just to pay attention to what they’re saying and their body language, says psychotherapist Dustin Chien, LCSW. Then reflect back what they’re expressing to you, he says. You can say something like, “That definitely sounds scary,” or, “I get why that’s making you nervous,” he suggests. This shows them that you understand and that you’re a safe space to talk about the things worrying them. 

After validating their anxiety, you can also ask how you can be supportive, says Benziger. Do they want to talk through what’s causing their anxiety? Are they looking for advice? Take the example of your friend going solo to a wedding. If they’re looking for an assist, you can help them come up with ways to cope with their anxiety during the events. You could brainstorm go-to small talk openers to ease awkwardness or offer to be on call if they need a pep talk when their social anxiety flares. Though, honestly, they might just want to vent, says Benziger. 

2. “Calm down.” 

Never in the history of anxiety has telling someone to relax ever made them calm down. When you’re in worry mode, it’s hard to shake the mind-spinning, sweat-inducing, nausea-triggering anxiety! 

So if you want to actually help this person feel more relaxed, ask if they’re down to do some grounding exercises to make them feel more stable. That could look like taking a few deep breaths together or walking them through tightening and releasing parts of their body (aka progressive muscle relaxation), Benziger suggests. These kinds of tricks can take people out of their anxious spirals and back into the present moment, she explains.

When someone is really anxious or even having a full-blown panic attack, holding their hand or rubbing their back can also help them feel like someone is physically there for them, psychiatrist Shreya Maniar Nagula, MD, previously told Wondermind. (Just make you ask if it’s OK first.)

While grounding exercises can be incredibly helpful here, co-regulation is also at play, says Chien. By staying calm and present with them, you’re kind of communicating that it’s safe here, psychotherapist and somatic coach Yolanda Renteria, LPC, previously explained. And that can help regulate their nervous system. It’s like letting them borrow some of your chill. 

Another way to ease someone into relaxation mode is to get their mind off of their anxiety altogether. Show them a funny photo of your cat or tell them about something wild that happened today, suggests Benziger. If they really want to talk to you about their worries, don’t change the subject. But you can always ask if they want a distraction, she says. 

3. “You’re probably overthinking it.”

Some real talk: People with anxiety often know the things they’re worried about are irrational, says Benziger. But that doesn’t change how their anxiety makes them feel.

Say your sister’s convinced her S.O., who hasn’t texted all day, is in trouble. Telling her she’s overreacting can make her more upset than she already is, says Chien. And, as we explained, it could shame her into shutting up, making her anxiety worse, Benziger notes. On top of all of this, it’s possible your sis may think she’s bothering you and start to worry about that, Benziger adds. 

A better way to help someone reframe their anxious thoughts is to challenge them, Benziger says. The goal is to get into a more rational mindset. Maybe ask if they think there’s a logical reason for whatever is going on, suggests Benziger. Is it possible that your sister’s boo left their phone in their gym bag or they’re busy at work? That can help someone see that their fears are less probable than they’re giving them credit for. 

People with anxiety tend to jump to the negative what-if thoughts, Benziger explains. So by calling their attention to more positive or neutral outcomes, they might be able to quiet their anxieties, she says. 

4. “I know how you feel.” *Proceeds to tell them all about it.*

This is not to say that talking about your experience with anxiety is the worst thing ever. That’s not true. Bringing up your own worries can be an act of vulnerability, which makes you seem more trustworthy to someone with anxiety, says Chien. It also shows them they’re not alone, he adds. 

But if you make the convo entirely about you, you’re taking the focus away from the other person’s situation, which can signal that you don’t think what they’re going through is as important as whatever you’re sharing, says Benziger. You’re also not offering them as much support as you could be, she adds.

So you’re not dismissive, it’s better to, again, ask what they need. If they want you to listen to their worries, do that. Then  you can show them you relate by saying, “I get anxious about stuff like this too,” and ask if they want to hear about what you’ve done in the past for your anxiety, suggests Benziger. If so, that’s your green light. Just don’t forget to hand the mic back to them.

5. “I don’t have time for this.” 

Sometimes you don’t have the mental energy or time to listen to someone vent—and that’s OK! That said, telling someone with anxiety that you can’t talk might imply that you don’t care what they’re going through, says Chien. It feels like a rejection. And, like we said, keeping worries inside when you want to talk about them may make them more intense. 

Since they can’t read your mind, try setting a boundary in a more empathetic way. You can say something like, “I want to hear about this, but I’m busy right now. Can we talk later?” Chien suggests. Or, “It’s important to me that I’m fully present for you when you need me. Can we plan a time to talk when I’m in a better space?” says Benziger. 

This way, the person knows you care and you’re down to chat at some point, but you’re still being honest about what you can handle at the moment. It’s about you, not them, says Benziger. This gives them the option to come back to you when you’re ready or find someone else to talk to ASAP if it’s urgent.

The post 5 Things Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.12.24

10 Ways to Help Someone Having a Panic Attack

Don’t freak out that they’re freaking out. BySam Brodsky

Last month, I had my first panic attack in front of two of my closest friends and my dad. My heart rate skyrocketed, my chest went all stress ball, and I swore I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. My body just didn’t feel like my own, and if you told me I was slowly dying, I would’ve believed you. The worst of it didn’t last too long, but I was drained, disoriented, and really fucking disturbed for the rest of the night (and, to be honest, I’m still anxious about it). 

If you’ve never had one, a panic attack basically feels like a “surge of intense fear or intense discomfort” that peaks in minutes, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). These can come out of nowhere or be triggered by something you’re scared of, per the DSM-5-TR. When it happened to me, I knew my health anxiety was the culprit. For other people, things like social anxiety might kick off an attack before they speak in public, or a fear of bugs might set one off when their apartment’s pet cockroach comes out to play, explains clinical psychologist Terri Bacow, PhD, author of Goodbye, Anxiety: A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry. This is all to say that panic attacks can be sparked by anything, and you might not even know the reason. 

Panic attacks can make you sweaty, shaky, and dizzy and ramp up your heart rate. They can also cause shortness of breath, chest pain, tingling, numbing, and a choking kind of feeling. And all of that can come with an overwhelming fear of losing control or dying, per the DSM-5-TR. 

Yeah, it’s a pretty disturbing experience, but if you’re trying to be there for someone having a panic attack, it might not always be obvious that it’s happening. Sometimes people hyperventilate or look super unwell, but a lot of it is internal chaos, notes Dr. Bacow. During my attack, I was too scared to say anything at its peak. My friends said they noticed I was quieter than usual—that something was wrong—though they had no clue what was going down until I told them. 

Whether you know someone who’s prone to panic attacks or want to be prepared just in case, we spoke to mental health pros and people who’ve been there about how to handle these situations in the moment. So the next time you notice your partner or even a stranger sitting near you on a plane potentially experiencing a panic attack, you’ll know exactly what to do.  

How to help someone having a panic attack.

1. Try to confirm they’re really having a panic attack. 

Like we said, it’s not always clear if your bestie or that lady in Target’s frozen aisle is, in fact, panicking. They might look a little off or they could appear to be having a medical issue—and either of those things might be true.

So, one of the surest ways to figure out if someone is having a panic attack is to ask them. For example, if Target lady looks like she’s hyperventilating, ask, “Do you think you’re having a panic attack?” or just, “Are you OK?” would work, Dr. Bacow says.

It’s very possible that they can’t get the words out to confirm/deny or they might even say they’re having a heart attack, Dr. Bacow notes. So, yeah, this isn’t fail-proof. When it’s unclear what’s going on, you can ask them if they’d like you to call 911, or just do it to be safe. When in doubt, getting medical help is the safest option, says psychiatrist Shreya Maniar Nagula, MD.

2. Choose your words wisely.

Saying the wrong thing might make someone having a panic attack more anxious or annoyed. If you say, “Everything is fine,” or, “You’re OK,” it can feel dismissive of their physical and mental experience, explains Dr. Bacow. And telling them to “calm down” isn’t helpful because they might not know how to actually calm down, says Dr. Maniar Nagula. “We would love to, but saying the words does nothing,” notes Julia, 32, who says she feels like she’s suffocating when she’s having a panic attack.

Instead, you should speak kindly (duh) and focus on validating words that encourage them to work through what they’re feeling, says Dr. Bacow. “A sample script [might be], ‘This will pass in a few minutes. Staying calm will make it go away faster, and I can help you ride this out,’” she suggests. You can also say things like, “I’m here with you,” or, “You’ll get through this,” suggests Dr. Maniar Nagula. And, if you know them, remind them of the other panic attacks they survived as proof they’ll get through this one, Dr. Maniar Nagula says.   

3. Remain calm.

Staying chill in front of someone who isn’t helps a lot, says Dr. Bacow. That’s because how other people react rubs off on how we react (see: co-regulation). Like when, as little kids, our parents were scared of something so we got scared too, she explains. Basically, not freaking out helps reassure the person having a panic attack that things maybe aren’t as terrifying as they seem (even if the panic attack is), she says. Emily T.* says her S.O. talks to her in a gentle and kind tone that feels soothing. If he was panicking or annoyed, it would probably make her  even more anxious, she says.

4. Try to distract them. 

The thing about panic attacks is that people can start freaking out over the physical stuff, like their heart pounding, chest hurting, and the choking sensation, often making those symptoms worse, says Dr. Bacow. So thinking about something not related to what a panic attack feels like gives their nervous system a chance to cool off, she says.

Maybe ask if they’re up for counting backward from 100 by two, suggests Dr. Bacow. Or you can ask what they see around them, what they hear, or what they can touch to ground them, suggests Dr. Maniar Nagula. Whatever the exercise, the goal is to get them focused on what’s happening around them instead of the chaos in their brain. 

While distractions are great, you should also reassure them that you understand what they’re going through and that you’re taking it seriously. Again, we don’t want anyone to feel like we’re dismissing their very real experience, ya know?

5. Walk them through deep breathing.

Sometimes, deep breathing can ease people’s chest tightness, fast heart rate, and shortness of breath when they’re having a panic attack, which, in turn, helps them feel less anxious, says Dr. Maniar Nagula. So take long inhales and exhales with them or count to five each time they breathe in and out, she suggests. Doing it together lets them follow your lead when they’re not sure how to do it themselves. 

For example, when Julia is mid-panic attack, she and her husband do box breathing together: inhaling for four seconds, holding for four seconds, exhaling for four seconds, and holding for four seconds. That little exercise slows her breathing and her racing thoughts, she explains.

That said, if the person having a panic attack can’t seem to breathe deeply and slowly with you and starts taking more shallow breaths, it could make them more panicked, says Dr. Bacow. When that happens, move on to another kind of distraction, like what’s going on around them, she suggests.

6. Ask if you can touch them.

Though physical touch is great for some, others might feel more worked up by it, Dr. Maniar Nagula says. So, ask them if it’s OK to touch their shoulder or arm to calm them, she suggests. 

When you’re in freakout mode, having another person hold your hand or rub your back can calm your stress response. It makes you feel like someone is there for you, says Dr. Maniar Nagula. For Julia, her husband will hold her tight, like being wrapped in a weighted blanket, she says. 

How to help someone after a panic attack.

7. Ask them what they need.

Panic attacks are scary, so it’s common for people to have residual feelings of anxiety when it’s over, says Dr. Maniar Nagula. To guide them through the aftermath, the best thing you can do is ask them what they need—not everyone will want the same thing. When it looks like someone’s symptoms are calming down, try something like, “Do you want water?” or “Do you want a hug?” or “Should we go get some food?” suggests Dr. Bacow. A simple, “What do you need right now?” may be helpful too.

8. Chat about what led up to the panic attack.

Sometimes people want to talk about what happened and sometimes they don’t. But if the person you’re with is up for it, getting into what happened before the attack can enable them to find long-term solutions—I know it did for me. 

To be fair, they might not know what led up to this panic attack, but rehashing what’s been on their mind lately can clue them in. Say their panic attack came after a week of crappy sleep and intense work deadlines—which Dr. Bacow says happens—maybe they’ll realize that they need to take some time off, practice better pre-bed habits, or even find a new job. Sometimes the next step is finding a mental health professional to get to the bottom of it, Dr. Bacow adds. No one needs  to make decisions like that with you, but you can still encourage them to consider their options.

9. Ask (and listen to) how the panic attack made them feel. 

Discussing what the panic attack was like can support people as they regulate their emotions and process what happened, says Dr. Bacow. So, again, if they’re open to it, you could start with something like, “Seems like that was really scary for you.” Then, let them take it from there. 

Assist them as they work through that debilitating experience by reflecting back whatever they say, Dr. Bacow suggests. If they’re like, “OMG I felt like I was dying,” you could respond with, “That sounds really terrifying!” In my experience, having my friends and my dad there to listen as I cried made me feel supported and heard.

10. Find out what helped them come down from the attack. 

When you’re aware of what’s most useful in a moment of panic, you learn how to self-soothe. And verbalizing that with another person can solidify it in your brain.  

If you’re helping someone, encourage them to write down what worked so they can better manage a future attack on their own, suggests Dr. Maniar Nagula. Bonus points if they screenshot that list and set it as their phone background, she says. It’s great to be there for them, but they shouldn’t rely on you, she explains. 

That said, this is still good intel for you as a support person. Julia says now that her husband knows what’s most effective, he feels more confident helping her get back to baseline.

*Name has been changed.

The post 10 Ways to Help Someone Having a Panic Attack appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 11.03.23

How Chef Sohla El-Waylly Is Navigating Life With Her Book Baby and Real Baby

Plus, the food media veteran talks about learning from failure. BySam Brodsky

Whether you’ve been a hardcore Sohla fan since her early YouTube days or you jumped on the bandwagon after watching her as a judge on The Big Brunch, you’re about to start seeing a whole lot more of Sohla El-Waylly.

That’s because she just released her debut cookbook, Start Here: Instructions for Becoming a Better Cook, a massive feat that was sorta like birthing a kid, El-Waylly tells Wondermind. “It’s kind of like you have this baby, then they go off into the world, and so now the baby’s gone and I [get to] see how people react to it. It’s scary.”

This book baby metaphor makes even more sense when you realize that El-Waylly also just had a real-life baby (yes, she’s been busy). “Hanging out with this kid’s been fun,” she says. “I think it’s going to get more fun when she knows I exist and makes facial expressions that aren’t just gas.” 

We caught up with El-Waylly before her book launch to talk about therapy, failure, and all the emotions of raising a new baby (the human kind, not the book kind).   

[Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.]

WM: Congrats on becoming a new mom! How are you doing lately?

Sohla El-Waylly: I am sleepy. That is the main thing. We have a not-yet-five-weeks-old baby, so she hasn’t gotten to the point where she sleeps more than two hours at a time. You know, we’re just sleepy [laughs].

Right after having her, I specifically remember, on day four, it must’ve been peak hormone crash because I had a weird mix of emotions and highs and lows. I was just sitting there crying, being like, She’s never going to be this small again!  But … it’s been mostly good. There’s been a couple of nights where it just feels like she is crying constantly, where I’ll wake up and feel really frustrated and feel like I can’t do this. Then, two seconds later, she’ll be really cute and sleep in my arms and I’m over it.

My mental health throughout the pregnancy and postpartum was top of mind for both me and my husband. [Editor’s note: She’s married to fellow chef Ham El-Waylly.] So I found a therapist that was specific for working with new mothers, and that really helped a lot. … And I also found a midwife team that’s very trauma aware.

One big reason I waited to have a child was because I was really worried about my mental health. It’s a lot happening to you, to your body, and I wanted to make sure that it was as pleasant an experience as possible. And I think all of that work really paid off because the whole pregnancy was really smooth. I was really good emotionally. The whole labor and delivery was really smooth. Even now it is. 

I was really worried that I would lose my identity. Your identity changes when you have a kid, and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be me anymore. I feel like I really prepared for that. And I have had to slow down, and it’s been OK, but I think it was because of all the therapy. 

WM: Is this the first time you’ve worked with a therapist?

SE: No, I have in the past, but this is the first one that I really like and click with. I also think part of that’s because I took it really seriously. I go in with a checklist every week of what I want to talk about, and I make sure I think about everything during the week. It’s like if you have a personal trainer—I don’t have one, but if you have one—and you only work out that one time a week with them, it’s not going to do anything. It’s about doing the work on your own. I think I just took it more seriously because there are some stakes. So it really has worked well for me this time around. 

WM: What made you want to look for a therapist who specializes in the pregnancy and the postpartum period?

SE: Well, it was something that I was really thinking about even before conceiving, but I didn’t immediately go for the therapist. I thought I could do it on my own. And then there was a point, I think at the end of the first trimester, where I was just getting really overwhelmed and having a lot of nightmares. Then I was like, No, it’s time to get some help. 

WM: What’s the best thing your therapist has taught you about motherhood?

SE: So many things, honestly. But I guess constantly reminding me that whatever I do, I’m doing a good job, I’m trying, I’m doing the right things. It’s just a lot of reassurance because it’s easy to feel like you’re messing up even before you get started. 

Before giving birth, I was just terrified. So we were talking through all my fears and all the bad things that I think could happen. And now, I feel like I’m over the big scary hump, and it’s more day-to-day stuff rather than these big, scary things. But it’s still very helpful.

WM: You mentioned your identity changing when you have a kid. Who is Sohla, the mom? 

SE: I still feel like me! I was even able to work part-time after the first week, which is really important to me because a big part of who I am is the work that I do. I was even talking to my husband. We’re like, “Oh, it’s just our life, but there’s a baby now.” It’s great. It doesn’t feel like much has changed.  

WM: Speaking of work, tell me about the highs and lows, if there were any, of creating your new cookbook. 

SE: [Laughs] It was pretty much all lows. I don’t feel any highs from it yet. Maybe I will when it’s out, but it was really hard. I think the biggest thing was self-doubt. A lot of, How could I possibly do this? Who am I to write this? 

Towards the end, I did a lot of the writing in one big chunk like three months before it was due. The first year of working on it, I pretty much did research and outlines, but the bulk of the writing happened towards the end. I was just at home, not sleeping, not getting any sunlight, not on a normal person’s schedule, writing through the night and then sleeping during the day. I really got lost in my head because there was nothing else. I was just doing this. So when I finished the manuscript, I did get very, very depressed. 

I thought I’d feel like a big sense of accomplishment and instead I felt burnt out. And it took a few weeks of just doing absolutely nothing to recharge. I think a big part of it was that I hadn’t left the house, so I would just lie in the backyard in the sun like a solar panel and recharge.

WM: What do you want people to get out of this book?

SE: I really want people to learn from this cookbook. It’s not just a collection of recipes. I really want people to take away techniques. [Editor’s note: The book is like an awesome master class. Each chapter teaches you one core cooking or baking technique, like how to stew and braise, and has a list of recipes to help you practice that lesson. It’s not JUST recipes, people!] 

My favorite thing is when I learn something from somewhere or from someone and I carry it with me. Like, I’ll be cooking, and I remember this chef who taught me how to blanch peas 20 years ago or I remember when I read about how to dice potatoes when I was a kid. I really hope that there’s something in the book that people carry with them and it can be part of their life. 

WM: In the intro of the cookbook, you talk about the importance of failure. When was the last time that you failed? 

SE: Well, I failed yesterday. I was working on a new recipe for pumpkin cheesecake. I have a problem with springform pans. You know where it has a detachable bottom? You typically use it for cheesecake, and you wrap it in foil and bake it in a water bath. But I feel like it always leaks, so I tried to just bake a cheesecake in a regular pan to see if I could flip it out, and I couldn’t, and the whole thing fell apart. And then we scraped it out of there and ate it anyways. From that, I learned there is  a point to the springform pan, and you don’t really know until you try.

That’s a little failure that happened, and then big failures happen too. One of the biggest public failures I’ve had was our restaurant [Hail Mary] closing, and I think it’s something that I learned the most from. So I think that you can’t be scared of it. Yes, you’re probably going to fail. I feel like I fail 99% of the time, and it’s cool. You learn from it. That makes that 1% even more exciting. … It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. 

WM: How do you learn to keep believing in yourself through failure? 

SE: It’s like a self-perpetuating kind of thing, you know? You fail, and then you try again on something small. And then the more you get back up, the more you realize it’s easy to come back from stuff. I feel like the more times I fuck up, the more I realize that I can get over anything. And the bigger the failure, the more confidence it gives me, because I know no matter what, I can always bounce back like a cockroach [laughs]. I think every time is very scary, but what’s the other option? There’s no other route but to just keep moving forward. 

WM: Is there anything about mental health that you want to teach your kid?

SE: A big reason why I got really focused on my own mental health before and during the pregnancy was because I don’t want to teach her my bad habits. I get really anxious about things and stressed about stuff, and there was a point after the pandemic where I was having panic attacks. So I really want to get all that under control. I want to teach her by example. I want to be very thoughtful and levelheaded about my decisions, and hopefully I can show her that as well. 

WM: How do you personally cope with panic attacks?

SE: I do a daily check-in. That really helps me see where I am mentally and try to be present. And I think that’s the main thing, just trying to be present with everything, which is harder to do than it sounds. Just taking a second every morning, checking in with myself and also checking in with my husband, because sometimes you spiral in your head and I need to talk it through with someone who I trust and be like, “Is this really a problem or am I getting lost?” So that really helps too. 

[When I’m in an actual panic attack,] I find that any kind of stimulation makes it worse. I don’t even want someone to touch me, so it’s more just getting in a quiet place and shutting everything off and just being alone with myself. 

WM: What’s the best mental health advice you’ve ever received?

SE: I think a big thing that I’ve gotten from this therapist was just forgiving myself. I think that was at the core of a lot of things. I just wallow in regret and guilt sometimes, and I need to get out of that hole because it doesn’t do you any good. 

WM: A little bit of a lighter question! As a chef, can you explain how emotion ties into the food that you cook?

SE: I think if it’s good, it should have some emotion behind it. It doesn’t have to be a [big] meal—it can even be a bowl of cereal—but if you’re enjoying it, it’s gonna evoke some emotion. Nostalgia or comfort or something like that. I think when I’ve had a meal and I don’t feel satisfied, it’s because it didn’t give me that. I think that you get that when the food is coming from a place that matters. You know what I mean? There’s a story behind a dish or a restaurant or a recipe, and it really comes through when you sit down and eat.

I’m a big fan of Thanksgiving. I always get lots of warm, fuzzy feelings for Thanksgiving because, growing up, that was the first time I got to cook unsupervised since my family kind of let the kids take over. So anytime I have box stuffing—not even a fancy stuffing—or gravy from a jar, it just gives me those nostalgic feelings.

WM: What are you most proud of?

SE: I think the relationship I have with my husband is the best thing, and it’s what keeps me grounded. It’s like the foundation in my life. We have a great relationship, and we worked really hard to get there. It didn’t just magically appear. I think a lot of people see us and how well we communicate, and they think that we just found each other and it’s like a fairytale, and it’s like: No, we worked really hard for it, and I’m really happy we have it. 

We are constantly communicating, and sometimes it’s frustrating, but it’s really important. You can’t just leave things unsaid or lingering. You got to talk through everything and you got to work through everything, and it’s going to be worth it in the end.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post How Chef Sohla El-Waylly Is Navigating Life With Her Book Baby and Real Baby appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.27.23

How to Self-Soothe When Everything Is a Lot

You might not be able to change things, but you can feel a little bit better. ByAmy Marturana Winderl

Sometimes things are just objectively awful. When faced with horrible tragedies and disheartening situations, even the tried-and-true mental health advice (talk to a therapist, check in on your people, get enough sleep, etc.) can feel unhelpful or unrealistic. Maybe you’re going through the motions and getting through the day (which is a huge accomplishment!), but when it comes to regulating your emotions, you’re really struggling. 

In times like these, a little self-soothing can go a long way. “Self-soothing is anything that we do to help regulate our emotional state that we don’t need anyone else for,” says licensed psychologist Rachel Goldman, PhD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. It’s a specific type of coping skill that you can do pretty much whenever and wherever. And while it may not turn a situation around, it can help keep you grounded and emotionally stable in turbulent times. 

So what counts as self-soothing? 

We all learn to self-soothe when we’re very young—like, fresh out of the womb, basically. A classic example: a baby sucking their thumb. As an adult, you may not consciously know that you’re self-soothing when you do it because a lot of these behaviors are subconscious, says clinical psychologist Marilisa Morea, PsyD, owner and director of Monarch Therapy and Wellness Center in Thornhill, Ontario. 

On that note, it’s probably the right time to mention that some self-soothing behaviors can be maladaptive (see: unhealthy coping mechanisms that aren’t exactly helpful and productive), Dr. Morea adds, like tugging on your hair, picking your nails, or numbing out with drugs or alcohol. So you want to be aware if your soothing habits have any negative consequences or turn into compulsions.

But otherwise, self-soothing is generally really great for keeping our internal thermostats in check. “It’s important to remember that there is not one best type of self-soothing technique,” Dr. Goldman says. For instance, some people might calm down when they try a breathing exercise or repeat a specific affirmation while others might just get even more frustrated by those tactics. Find what works for you. 

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few expert-backed self-soothing techniques to try the next time you’re feeling especially anxious, scared, overwhelmed, or hopeless (or all of the above). 

1. Make breathing more of a thing.

“A breathing exercise is one of my go-to recommendations because it immediately slows our breathing down and works on the physiological level,” Dr. Goldman says. Any kind of deep, focused breathing works, but here are a few to try: 

• Diaphragmatic breathing (belly breathing): Focus on the stomach (rather than the chest) moving up and down with each breath. Hot tip: Place a hand on your stomach and your chest to make sure that you’re really engaging your diaphragm. 
• 5-finger breathing: Trace the fingers of one hand with the other hand, inhaling in as you trace up and exhaling as you trace down.
• Box breathing: Breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold for four seconds.
• 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, exhale for eight seconds. 

The goal is to repeat any of these intentional breathing patterns as many times as you need to slow down your breathing and your heart rate, which in turn can help calm your nerves.

2. Give yourself a walking mission.

Going for a walk is a great way to release nervous energy, Dr. Morea notes, but adding some mindfulness into it can help pull you away from your negative emotions and into the calming present. “As you walk, count how many red cars you see, or count trees and describe what they look like to you—how many leaves you think they have, or what shade of green it is,” Dr. Morea says. You can even count how many good dogs you see on the walk. The point is just to focus your attention while you’re also getting a little movement and fresh air. 

3. Fidget away.

Fidget spinners became an overnight phenomenon for a reason: They give you something to focus on and something to do with your hands when you’re teeming with nervous energy. And you don’t need a special device to benefit: A piece of jewelry or clothing that you can play with can also do the trick, Dr. Morea says.

4. Literally chill.  

It may seem like the opposite of soothing, but hear us out. A lot of people describe cold plunges as really soothing. That’s because it essentially shocks your system, Dr. Morea explains. “It literally slows down blood flow, which helps calm down breathing,” she says. It can also provide some welcome distraction because it’s kind of hard to focus on your anxious thoughts when your face or body is submerged in freezing cold water. Not really somewhere you can take a quick dunk? Sucking on an ice cube or rubbing one on your pressure points can have a similar effect, she adds.

5. Think about someone who makes you feel safe.

“When we’re feeling scared, what we want to do is create a sense of safety,” Dr. Morea says. Even if you can’t physically be with or talk to your emotional support person (or animal), try focusing your thoughts on them for a little while, suggest Dr. Morea. That might look like scrolling through photos of your cat, rereading a particularly sweet email from your dad, or journaling about how safe someone in your life makes you feel.  

6. Go full blanket burrito mode.

When there’s no one there to hug you, do the next best thing: Wrap yourself up in a big, warm blanket. Hot tip: Toss that baby in the dryer first, Dr. Morea recommends. Lying on a fluffy pillow or putting on a big, luxurious-feeling sweater can do the trick, too. It’s all about using your sense of touch to feel calm and grounded.

7. Get a little dose of nostalgia.

Another way to feel safe and calm amidst the chaos is to do something nostalgic that brings up happier (or even just less stressful) memories. Cue up your playlist from high school or that trip you had a blast on. Or put on your comfort show from growing up, even if it’s just background noise, Dr. Morea suggests. Hearing a familiar sound that sparks positive memories can have a real impact on your emotional state.

8. Smell all the good smells.

Scent is another great self-soothing technique, Dr. Goldman says. “Oftentimes when we are in a heightened emotional state we need to reground ourselves, and using our senses can help us come back to the present moment.” So light your favorite candle for stress relief. You can also try some aromatherapy for mental health (lavender tends to be calming while peppermint can help with focus). Or you can even make your own feel-good scents by baking. Some people find the actual activity soothing in itself, while others may just benefit from the sweet, sweet smell of cookies or a loaf of bread wafting throughout their home, Dr. Morea says.

9. Move in whatever way feels good to you.

“When we are feeling low, we want to counteract that with behavioral activation,” Dr. Morea says. This can really help get you out of a low point, but it doesn’t need to be a whole sweaty thing. Stretching, yoga, and self-massage are all great options for getting some movement into your body and brain—without adding another (potentially overwhelming) thing to your to-do list. That said, if lifting heavy weights or taking a 45-minute workout class are self-soothing to you, go ahead and pencil that into your day. 

10. Do something mindless.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck, it can be impossible to know how to start moving forward. Dr. Morea suggests doing something mindless and repetitive, whether it’s a to-do item like folding laundry or something you enjoy like crocheting or doing a puzzle. “It’s something that you don’t need to think about but can help you release energy in that moment,” Dr. Morea says. Plus, just the simple act of doing something when you’re otherwise feeling powerless can sometimes take the edge off your anxiety.

11. Name something (anything) that’s going right in your life.

Even when there’s a lot to be mad or sad about, there’s always at least one thing to be grateful for. Focus on that, Dr. Morea recommends. Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have a warm bed to sleep in? Do you have dinner on the table? Do you have a partner who loves and supports you? You don’t have to love everything that’s going on in your life or the world around you to recognize the bits and pieces of good that do exist.

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