Pro Tips Link Copied 01.24.25

How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships

Set your grudges free! ByMekita Rivas

You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.

While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?” 

Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next. 

What is resentment? 

Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t). 

On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.  

At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.

When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while. 

You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.

Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.” 

That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.

How does resentment damage relationships? 

Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.

When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.

And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking. 

Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship. 

How do I deal with resentment?

Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. 

No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships. 

1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.

When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry. 

So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue. 

Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.  

When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from. 

But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.

2. Communicate compassionately.

With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.

That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné. 

You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out. 

Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.

During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné. 

That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you. 

3. Celebrate the small wins.

Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.

So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time. 

If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.

For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says. 

4. Find a mental health pro.

A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.” 

That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.

The post How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.13.24

How to Be There for Young Trans People

They need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever.  ByAlo Johnston, LMFT

Being a transgender person in the world today is hard, and being a young transgender person is even harder. Recently, it seems like any discussion of gender identity has been extremely politicized, with many lawmakers and school districts appearing dedicated to making it even harder for trans youth to thrive. 

Unfortunately, we know that more than half of trans and nonbinary youth seriously considered suicide in the past year, according to a 2022 survey from The Trevor Project. But that same survey confirmed that having a gender-affirming home or school reduced the risk of suicidal ideation among this group. Clearly, trans youth need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever. 

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and transgender man, I have worked with many families to help them figure out how to support their trans child. So, whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or the cool aunt (who may or may not actually be related), here are some tips for supporting trans and nonbinary youth. 

1. Don’t worry if it’s a phase—support them anyway!

In my therapy practice I’ve talked to many parents who have worried that their adolescent child just thinks they’re trans. They wonder if this is a passing phase like their interest in Minecraft or that year where they were obsessed with wearing vampire teeth. 

But gender is different and something we understand about ourselves in a different way. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children start to be conscious of gender around the age of 2, and usually by the age of 4 they have a stable sense of their gender identity. While not everyone will follow that exact timetable, this means that trans kids might be coming to terms with their gender identity while everyone around them says they’re wrong, confused, or just playing pretend. 

I have a distinct memory of a substitute teacher in elementary school who “mistook” me for a boy. All my friends were outraged on my behalf. And I remember thinking, Oh I guess I’m supposed to be offended by that, but deep down I didn’t understand why. Looking back now I can see that I actually felt affirmed when people saw me as a boy, but every signal I got from adults and other kids was that I couldn’t let people think that about me. 

Whether trans kids are proudly proclaiming “I’m a boy” while their parents and teachers say “no honey, you’re a girl” or are quietly confused as to why they are being separated onto the wrong team of boys vs. girls, trans kids have an internal sense of their gender the same way cisgender kids do. So, chances are, by the time they are sharing their gender identity with you they have spent a long time thinking about it and navigating the difference between what they’ve been told about themselves and how they actually feel internally. 

According to the 2022 U.S. Transgender Survey (the largest survey to date on trans people in the U.S., with 92,329 respondents), nearly all respondents (94%) who live in a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth said they were either a lot more satisfied or a little more satisfied with their life. This echoes the body of research showing that detransition is uncommon. 

Still, you might be wondering if this child’s experience is that uncommon one. The good news is you don’t have to do anything different! Whether it is a phase or not, the most useful thing you can do is support them, affirm them, and be open and interested in their experience. Your support is invaluable either way. It allows them to figure things out for themselves while knowing they have safe supportive adults in their life that they can share with. 

2. Use their chosen name and pronouns.

The simplest way to affirm a trans person’s identity is to use the language that they ask you to use. One study found that using their chosen name reduces the risk of suicidal behavior in trans and gender nonconforming youth by 56%! This is by far the simplest act you can take that will have a huge positive impact on their mental health.

If you know a young person who has come out but hasn’t yet told you what to call them, you may want to ask them privately. You can also ask if there are certain contexts in which they do or don’t want to use that name and those pronouns. You could say something like: “Is there a different name or pronouns you’d like me to use for you? And do you just want me to use them around certain people?” 

Keep in mind that some people use they/them pronouns as a singular pronoun, and that can be a hard adjustment if you’ve never used these pronouns to refer to one person before. It’s OK if it doesn’t come naturally, but you will only get better by practicing. A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns is a great resource for this.

3. Parents, talk to other parents.

If you’re the parent of a child who has just told you they’re trans or nonbinary, you might be scared and confused. That’s totally normal! Where do you even start? It’s a lot to take in and it can be a big adjustment. You have to come to terms with your expectations of what you thought their life would look like. Not only that, but you may have a lot of questions about legal or medical transition (if that is something your child is interested in) and you might not know how to get reputable information.

My biggest piece of advice to parents is: Find a community of other parents to talk to. You might not feel ready to talk to a therapist or a doctor just yet, but you still don’t have to do this alone. There are many parents who have had the same fears and doubts as you and they have also had to work through their complex feelings and figure out what to do next.

PFLAG is a great place to start looking for a community of other parents. You may also find that there are parent groups associated with hospitals that have trans youth programs. Even if you’re in a rural area there are likely online groups that you can attend. Don’t worry, no one is going to make you talk before you feel ready, and no one is going to force you to do anything. Try attending a group and keep an open mind. 

4. Be clear in your support.

What should you do if you suspect a young person you know is questioning their gender identity? Do you say something? Sometimes it feels like the best choice is to just stay quiet until they’re ready, but kids and teens often don’t know if it’s safe to say something. So, make sure you have created an environment of safety and support around them.

That might look like talking about how your family supports the LGBTQIA+ community, mentioning friends and loved ones who are queer and trans in positive ways (and if you don’t have any then it might be the time to expand your social circles), or simply telling them that you’re always available to talk. They need to know you will love them no matter what and that you mean it. And if you live in a community that is not the most affirming, make sure they know you will do everything in your power to keep them safe and advocate for them. 

5. Keep learning.

This article is just a starting point and you will certainly have more questions from here. Try to stay curious and continue to engage with books and educational content about the trans experience. The trans youth in your life will greatly appreciate your efforts.

Some books to help you as an ally include:

• Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond
• Free To Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity
• The Transgender Child
• The Transgender Teen 

And if you want to understand more about the transgender experience and common thoughts and feelings, you can check out my book: Am I Trans Enough?: How to Overcome Your Doubts and Find Your Authentic Self.

The post How to Be There for Young Trans People appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.03.24

8 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Mental Health

It’s OK if you don’t know what to say. ByShani Tran, LPCC

If you’re raising a teenager through what experts are calling a “youth mental health crisis,” then you’re probably wondering if your kid is alright and if you’re checking in with them enough. Maybe you’ve noticed your teen displaying some quirks (like they’re quieter than usual or make distressed expressions when scrolling) that make you wonder, What’s up with my kid? Something is off, but what should I do about it? Well, as a licensed therapist who specializes in assisting teens and young adults, I’m here to walk you through all these scenarios. 

Trying to help your kid with anything can be challenging (ahem, Algebra II homework). When it comes to their mental health, that can be even more daunting, especially if you didn’t grow up in a household where talking about feelings was normal. But, my friends, you are completely capable of helping your kid through this—whether they’ve opened up to you already, they totally shut you out, or  you just want to reinforce that the lines of communication are open. 

Before we get into the nitty gritty, keep in mind that when you get your teen to open up about their feelings, you might hear some ish that you were unaware of and that upsets you. But the focus isn’t on you, OK? It’s about your teen, respecting their bravery for being vulnerable with you, and supporting them no! matter! what! If you don’t go into these talks with that approach in mind and you end up reacting in a judgemental way, you risk making them feel like you’re not a safe person to talk to. And that could mean they try—and, worst-case scenario, fail—at fighting their mental health battles alone. Not what you want, right? 

So stay open minded, embrace the trial-and-error nature of these talks, and if you later realize you messed up and said something you shouldn’t have, go back and make it right. You got this, so let’s dive into how you can help your teenager with their mental health.  

1. Offer a safe space.

You’ll need to consider two things if you want your teen to confide in you: the actual location of your conversation and who’s around. You want to make sure that where you are having this heart-to-heart is a place they would feel comfortable opening up. That means not asking them what’s really going on at the dinner table in front of the whole family—they might not want other people overhearing the conversation, and it’s OK if they need privacy. You’ll also want to choose a quiet place where there are no other distractions. Some great ideas would be going for a car ride together or going for a walk in a park that’s not overrun with other people. Or, you could just ask your teen where they’d feel safe and then go there.

While it’s usually best if the check-in is a 1-to-1 deal, you might need to tell another parent what’s going on with their kiddo too. In that case, before your teen opens up, be transparent and say you plan to share some of the information with the other parent later and that your kid can be present during that talk if they want to be. If your kid is adamant about you not sharing the information, you can let them know that you’ll leave out some of the more sensitive details but that it’s your duty to give the other parent a brief overview of what you two discussed.  

It’s possible your kid still isn’t down with that plan and might feel upset. Feel free to validate their response while reminding yourself (and them!) that by sharing the important bits with the other parent, you’re modeling healthy communication across the household. This is especially important in blended families or co-parenting situations. 

2. Avoid interrogation-style check-ins. 

This is not the time to channel your inner Olivia Benson from Law & Order. When talking to your teen, avoid firing off questions like you’re interviewing a criminal. That can be annoying, exacerbate their emotions, or make them feel like they’re in trouble or did something wrong. Instead, approach this talk with a sense of curiosity that’s focused primarily on listening to how your teen is feeling. 

If you’ve noticed something seems off with your kid, you can start by thinking about how they’re not hanging out with one of their friends as much, for example. Then, you observe and see if you spot any signs, like maybe that friend is hanging out with a different crowd when you do pickup now. 

Next, you can gather more info by asking about your teen’s day in a casual way. One of the things I love to ask my child (even if nothing is obviously wrong) is: “What was your rose and thorn today?” The rose is something that makes them smile, and the thorn is a low point, like something that feels a little prickly or even hurtful. 

It might even be helpful to ask your teen if they have noticed any changes in how they’re behaving. You can bring up what you’ve observed and ask what they think about it. Try: “I noticed that when you got into the car, you weren’t talking to your friend _____ like usual. Is everything OK with y’all?” And be open to the possibility that their mood lately has nothing to do with their friend. 

Or you could say, “I wanted to check in and ask how you’ve been feeling lately because I’ve been feeling down due to all the gloomy days we’ve been having.” Sometimes when you throw in a moment of vulnerability, it builds trust with teens.   

After you’ve observed what’s going on and analyzed all this information, think about if this data implies if your teen is doing well. Or does it imply they’re struggling, and what could they be struggling with? Now you can decide on your next steps. Maybe it’s just checking in more or asking them what resources they need or if they’d consider talking to a mental health professional. 

3. Validate their feelings.

Have you ever heard the “your feelings are valid but not facts” statement? Well, it’s time to sit with that. The goal should be letting your teen know that how they feel is valid and they’re not weird or wrong or silly for feeling a certain way. (If you’ve ever had your parents dismiss your feelings and say there are worse things in life, you know how crappy these conversations can go. Let’s not go down that route.)

Validating your teen’s feelings means putting yourself in their shoes, taking them seriously, and affirming how they feel. This doesn’t mean you agree with them, BTW. To show you’re there for them, you can use phrases like, “I imagine that must be hard” or “Wow that sounds challenging!” when they share. 

And it must be said: This is not the time to tell a “Back in my day…” story, which can make them feel like you’re not really hearing them and how their situation might be different and expecting them to cope just like you, which isn’t fair. 

4. Use the 1-5 scale. 

Learning how to identify your feelings takes time, and—let’s be honest—most of us struggled in this department as teens. I blame puberty, but I digress. It can also be hard to accurately note what you’re feeling because, many times, the initial feeling that you grasp onto (and can likely express a little easier) can mask what’s going on deep inside. Think about a time your friend flaked on your plans at the last minute. Yes, that was messed up and you were probably angry, but why were you angry? What else was going on? Anger can be like an iceberg, where feeling mad is just the tip, but below the surface are feelings about your relationship or yourself. Maybe you were actually disappointed because you missed this person and were looking forward to it. Or you could’ve been feeling lonely and were really counting on this hangout. 

Knowing all that, it can be more helpful to use a 1-5 scale when checking in with your kid instead of asking them to verbalize what’s going on and getting stuck when they say, “Uhhhh…” Prompt them to tell you, on a scale of 1-5 (with 1 being the worst and 5 being the best), how they’re feeling. If they say 3 or below, breaking out a feelings wheel can help them describe what’s distressing them, keep the conversation moving, and help you both figure out next steps.  

5. Ask how you can support them. 

Once you’ve done the work to check in and figure out what’s going on and how your teen is feeling, it’s time to work on solutions. While it may be tempting, don’t assume you know what’s best here. Start by asking your kid how you can support them, which will send the message that you trust them and care about their opinions, wants, and needs. You can do that by asking, “During this conversation, are you looking for me to just listen, offer advice, or problem solve with you?” 

If they don’t know, try taking a listening approach first, and then ask them what they’ve tried so far to address their issue. You may find that they’ve read articles, watched TikToks, or even tried talking to friends, another adult, or you about this before. Then, you can (gently) follow up and ask how those approaches have worked out for them and what they’ve learned so far. 

Once you have a good overview and when it’s your turn to speak, ask them again if they would like you to offer suggestions or brainstorm and research solutions with them. It’s possible just venting helped them, but if they want some actionable tips and to borrow your brain power, go forth and offer what you have! You can even try to role play a solution to their scenario, with you and your kid switching parts and debriefing what it was like, which is a great way to diffuse tension and have fun with a challenging situation.   

Let’s say your teen talks about being offered drugs. You can share some non-cringey ways for them to say no or walk through what finding a new group of friends might look like if their current crew is making them uncomfortable. If they’re actually considering trying drugs, you can ask why they’re interested in substances and then offer your two cents about why that wouldn’t be the best idea—without judging them for being curious, of course. 

Keep in mind that even if you’re totally open to helping, your teen might just want to talk to someone else, like a therapist, so be prepared to help them make an appointment or find other supportive resources.

6. Be OK saying, “I don’t know.”

When you have an open line of communication with your teen, there may be times when they actually *gasp!* come to you for advice. There’s also a chance that you have no clue what to say because their situation is something you never experienced. Maybe they’re dealing with cyberbullying but your social media expertise stops at sending funny animal videos to your friends, and back in your day, the bullying ceased when the bell rang at 3 p.m. But just because you’ve never been there, done that before doesn’t mean you can’t figure it out together and brainstorm a solution that could actually work. 

In these cases, try modeling problem solving skills. That could look like noticing that your teen is upset while discussing the problem and modeling deep breathing to bring them back to a state of calm and discussing solutions after everyone has cooled off. You could even walk them through a pros-and-cons list for the different actions they want to take to solve a problem. For example, what might confronting your bully look like? What would ignoring them look like? And sometimes, a good ol’ this-sucks-let’s-commiserate moment helps too because the only way out is through, and helping them feel their emotions can lead to clarity. 

Ultimately, saying you don’t know something humanizes you, puts things into perspective for your kid, and encourages them to express their emotions while feeling empowered to work on a fix. We all struggle, and we all have had times where we didn’t know what to do. Normalizing that decreases judgment and creates an opportunity for more open dialogues. 

7. Name their strengths. 

When teens are faced with challenges, it can feel overwhelming and like they aren’t capable of handling it. (The same is true for all ages, TBH.) But this is a great opportunity to remind them of how strong they are and point out what they’re good at, which will encourage them to use their strengths to get through the situation. 

Let’s say your teen is struggling with anxiety. Let them know they have the ability to calm themselves down by using coping skills like deep breathing. Or if your teen is grieving a friendship breakup, remind them how good of a friend they are and how anyone would be lucky to be their pal. Hearing these positive statements can give them the confidence to make whatever changes they need to. 

Bonus: You can even slip in a mention of how good they are at showing their emotions and talking to someone about them. You might get hit with a “bruh” and an eye roll, but at least they’ll know their parent sees their mental and emotional strength and will understand that being vulnerable is something to be proud of.  

8. Bring in extra help if needed. 

If your teen gives you the cold shoulder and isn’t down to talk, don’t take it personally. Easier said than done, but remember you probably don’t tell everyone everything about you, so let’s validate that for teens too. 

If they’re not willing to talk but you’re concerned about them, let them know that and offer alternatives to speaking to you. You could say, “Hey I’ve noticed that you have been coming home and going straight to your room. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me, I want to encourage you to meet with your school counselor.” If there’s another adult in the family that you know your teen is close to, tell your kid they can reach out to them and that you can coordinate the call if needed. 

When your teen is against every suggestion, then you can offer to take them to therapy, especially if you think their mental health is fragile. You’ll want to find a therapist that specializes in children and young adults, and when you go, sit outside the office and give them some space. Your kid might not like therapy at first, and if they don’t, ask why. They might need a different therapist or approach to the sessions, and it’s better to get them connected with someone they mesh with sooner rather than later. JFYI: If you think your kid needs immediate attention, like if their well-being or life is in danger, remember that crisis hotlines, like 988, and emergency services are available. 

Even though you may need to outsource some help, continue showering your teen with love and support. It might just take time for them to open up to you directly.

The post 8 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Mental Health appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 05.02.24

Here’s How I Finally Decided Whether or Not I Should Have Kids

Maybe this advice will work for you too. ByJessie Van Amburg

I was in for my annual exam, and my OB/GYN asked me all the usual questions: When was your last period? Any irregular symptoms? How’s the birth control working for you? When I mentioned that I had an IUD that was about to hit its five-year expiration date, she asked, “Well, what do you want to do?”

Indeed, what did I want to do? That simple question set off a chain reaction of doubt and confusion that would plague me for the next three years. My options—get a new IUD, switch to a different method of birth control, or go off birth control entirely—felt deeply tied to what my future could look like and whether there was a baby in it. 

I was turning 30, newly married, and had recently overcome chronic work burnout by making a career pivot. My husband and I were buying our first house, and an obvious next step, as dictated by the American dream, was having children. And yet, here I was deeply confused and full of existential dread. 

At that point, the assumption that I would eventually become a parent was already punctuating my life in a way it hadn’t before getting married. Family members recommended adding baby gates and childproofing measures to our home “just in case” any kids came along. But most of the time, the nudges were subtle: scrolling through Instagram and being inundated with pregnancy announcements and newborn photoshoots. Even getting my period every month felt like a reminder of what my body could do.

So, after that gyno appointment, I thought about motherhood constantly. I imagined Christmas mornings and family Halloween costumes, birthday parties, and bedtime stories. I held my newborn nephew in my arms and wondered what it would feel like to cradle a child of my own. At the same time, I picked at my doubts about having kids like a scab. I learned way too much about all the things that can go wrong in pregnancy. I made mental lists of everything that I wanted to accomplish before the life-changing event of parenting—and then, all of the things I would have to accomplish to justify not having a kid. 

I didn’t fit into the narratives common among aspiring parents or the blissfully childfree. I have zero drive or longing to have a baby (and the girl with the list wasn’t exactly helping me see things differently, IYKYK). But I don’t dislike children either. I fell into some secret third category no one talks about: the ambivalent undecided.

The agony of ambivalence

I could be washing the dishes, going on a walk, taking a shower, or trying to fall asleep, and BAM! My brain asked, Will my husband resent me if we don’t have kids? Would having kids mess up our relationship? Would I be a terrible mother? Rebuttals from my logical brain—He has said multiple times this is not a dealbreaker. You’d probably be a fine mom—didn’t help. The endless worries and questions snowballed totally out of my control.

Not knowing what I wanted made me feel deeply insecure too. I was used to being clear-eyed, prepared for the next step, confident in my skills and abilities (classic overachieving Virgo). But this time, I had no gut feeling or intuition to guide me. I didn’t understand why this was so hard. Why didn’t I know this essential thing that was apparently so obvious to everyone else? 

One of my lowest moments happened a year into my crisis, when my sister-in-law invited my husband and me to celebrate her first Mother’s Day. Normally, I would be thrilled, but this time, my anxious brain imagined fielding endless “You’re next!” comments, feeling like a freak for being the only childless woman present. Just the thought of gatherings dedicated to the question that haunted my every waking moment made me nauseous. 

It’s at least somewhat comforting to know that I’m not alone in feeling lost and confused about potential parenthood. More people are waiting to have kids, and a nationally representative survey estimates that one in five people over the age of 18 are childfree by choice. Those numbers are actually growing, says social psychologist Jennifer Watling Neal, PhD, a professor at Michigan State University who researches childfree adults. 

Despite these stats, the assumption that people should and will have kids still exists in our media, politics, and, of course, our social networks. Because of that societal given, people rarely grant themselves space to explore if they even want to have kids, says psychologist Lisette Sanchez, Ph.D., founder of Calathea Wellness. 

Dr. Sanchez adds that, in her experience, people often conflate their values and desires with those projected onto them by family members, friends, or society at large. So the disconnect between what you want versus what you think you’re supposed to want can lead to cognitive dissonance, or the discomfort of holding conflicting beliefs at once, she explains. 

The book that helped me sort through it all

Last January, a year and a half after that OB/GYN appointment, a text from my friend Janet offered a way forward. “Are you still going back and forth about kids? I feel like I still am,” she wrote. We went on vacation the previous summer and had a long convo about how stuck we felt on this question.  

She’d recently listened to a podcast where Ann Davidman, LMFT, co-author of Motherhood: Is It Meant for Me? shared her experiences working with women struggling with this decision. “I think this book might be worth checking out,” she wrote. 

Normally, I’m not one for self-help books, but after months of obsessive thoughts, conversations with my therapist, and pros and cons lists that went nowhere, it was clear that I needed something to break through my indecisiveness. We decided to read this one together. 

From the first page, my confusion felt validated. “Are you struggling with not knowing if you want to have children? Does it seem like everyone else just knows, and you don’t?” Davidman and her co-author, a former psychotherapist, Denise L. Carlini wrote. Despite fluffy language, like “You are the definer of you,” and “With an open heart and a lucid mind…” I was willing to keep going.

The book, which Davidman describes as a self-guided version of the IRL workshops she and Carlini used to run back in the 90s, is structured into 12 chapters. Janet and I would complete one chapter a week, as the authors recommend, and set a recurring Zoom date to talk about what we learned.  

At the beginning of the book, even before you start week one, the authors set some ground rules: Keep what you’re learning to yourself (with the exception of the buddy system Janet and I were using) and avoid the opinions or needs of people like your partner or your family. 

Next, set aside what they call “externals” or factors like age, a partner’s desire for kids and the desires of extended family, and financial constraints. After all, the goal isn’t to figure out if you could have a kid, it’s whether you want to have one. 

You’re also supposed to hit pause on your fears around procreation too. For me, those included being unhappy or terrible as a mother, pregnancy and childbirth (again, blame the girl with the list), being judged by my family for not having kids, and regretting my choice either way. I wrote them down in my notebook, ripped out the page, and tucked them into my desk. 

Once that was done, we followed the same routine in each chapter: Read an overview of what to expect that week, do a guided visualization exercise, and then journal. We chased that with a short reading about the themes we ~explored~ in those two thought starters and sometimes there’d be an additional activity to do on your own. Honestly, it was a commitment. 

My journey to figuring out what I really wanted

Every week, I would start by turning off the lights in my office and shutting the door. Then I’d sit cross-legged on my couch and cue up the week’s visualization exercise audio from Carlini on my phone.

In theory, these visualization exercises were meant to help you imagine yourself doing or being somewhere else. Over the course of a few minutes, Carlini asked me to conjure up vivid encounters and experiences. In week three, for example, she asked us to walk on the beach. “While strolling along the sand, feel the warm sun on your skin, and the gentle breeze kissing your face,” Carlini said on the recording. She prompted me to look down the beach and see a little girl—aka my younger self. “Ask this little girl the following questions: ‘What do you need?’ ‘What do you want?’ How does she answer?” 

This exercise, and every other visualization, left me seeing and feeling absolutely nothing. My failed attempts made me worry that I wasn’t getting the emotional insights I needed to make the right choice. Thankfully, the journaling part really worked for me. For example, even though I couldn’t picture my younger self in week three, I could write about the idea of her. The words came spilling out onto the page.

Despite pushing through most of the prompts, I questioned how certain themes or activities were helping me decide baby vs no baby. When we were asked to “try on” the decision of being childfree by writing a letter to the child we never had, I thought, Why should I have to apologize to a hypothetical kid in a hypothetical exercise? But Davidman argues, “It’s about slowly uncovering either wounds or unfinished business that needs a little more of your attention,” she says. The idea is that when you know what drives you, what’s important to you, etc., then you can make empowered decisions about your life. 

Clarity finally came on week 11. There was an exercise that asked me to read the following question out loud, then record my first thought or feeling: “Do I want to be a mom, a mother, a parent?” 

The first thought that came to my head: I’m not interested in being a parent. It was like a gut punch—if a gut punch could ever be a good thing. Then the book asked me to stand in front of a mirror, look myself in the eyes, and repeat the question (I know). But the same answer screamed back from inside my head. I’m not interested in being a parent. 

Something deep inside of me clicked into place. I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud. It was really as simple as that: I’m not interested. Davidman says that these aha moments often happen by the time readers get to week 11. At that point in the program, she says, “You’ve done enough work, you’ve peeled back so many layers to see and feel the truth.” 

My truth: This choice wasn’t about disliking kids or really even about being a good parent or a happy parent. The heart of the issue for me was about parenting itself. I quite literally was not interested in any aspect of that experience, good or bad. Baby milestones, tantrums, school pickups, soccer practice, skinned knees, sleepless nights…I could not imagine doing that for the rest of my life. All along, that lack of desire wasn’t confusion—it was a sign. Now, I had the courage to acknowledge it. 

Making the decision

Knowing what I wanted was just the first step. “What feels right for you is one thing; what you decide to do about it is another thing,” Davidman says. For example, you might realize that you really want to have a child but you don’t have the financial stability to make it feasible right now. In my case, I knew that my desire to be childfree was opposite of my husband’s desire to have children. It was time to talk.

We sat on the couch one night, sitting face to face. I gave him an overview of what I’d been doing each week for the past three months. “I realized through all of this that I don’t want to be a parent,” I said finally. “I tried really hard to consider it because I know you want it, and I know you would be a great dad. But I just can’t see myself doing that.” 

His face fell. “I expected this,” he said. And he reiterated that our relationship was more important to him than a hypothetical kid. “But I still feel sad.” To him, the idea of having a kid was so compelling, so visceral. The last thing I wanted to do was make this choice for him. 

“I’ve had months now to work on this and figure this out for myself—I don’t expect you to automatically be OK with this,” I told him. 

After processing his sadness with a therapist over the next few weeks, my husband felt stuck on what a childfree life could look like. I also wasn’t sure what to imagine once traditional, child-oriented milestones were out of the picture either. I suggested that we each identify our values and use those to figure out what a fulfilling life could look like. Then we could come together, share our lists, and see how they meshed. 

My list: Make a legitimate attempt to write a novel, visit a new place every year, cultivate a close “auntie” relationship with my nephew and my friends’ kids, and make my community organizing work more sustainable over the long term.

When my husband and I came back together, I was actually surprised to see how aligned we were. We finally had some direction: We’d live near our nephew, renew my passport and book a trip ASAP, commit to tackling home improvement projects, and create new traditions that were meaningful to us. The work we put in made the future feel like one of possibilities rather than question marks. 

I still worry about certain, more traditional family members treating me differently. But the confidence I have in my own vision (plus, the guidance of my therapist) will help me navigate that with more self-compassion. “You can’t stop someone from being judgemental,” Davidman says. “But you have to keep owning your truth.” 

As with any decision, there’s sadness and grief about closing a door. That’s normal, too. But this time last year, I couldn’t have imagined I’d be free of the pain of ambivalence. 

Well, mostly free. I recently caught myself wondering for a moment during a game with a family friend’s daughter. She was running back and forth between me and her mom, throwing herself into our arms for hugs. Her laughter floated up into the trees and wedged its way into my heart. Is this something I’ll miss? I thought. 

That thought would have put me into an anxious tailspin last year. But I reminded myself that I was enjoying this right now; there was nothing to miss. This moment, and all the others I hope to have as an auntie, were all that I needed.

The post Here’s How I Finally Decided Whether or Not I Should Have Kids appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 04.19.24

Here’s Exactly How Your Birth Order Impacts Your Mental Health

It's not just the eldest daughters out here struggling. ByElizabeth Gulino

You’ve probably seen the influx of internet memes, videos, Tweets, and news coverage about how being the eldest daughter is basically a thankless job you did not apply for. Or maybe you’ve heard the bit about middle child syndrome or even how being the forever baby of the family has made you, well, a baby forever. 

Memes aside, these are not lies. Birth order is one of those undeniable, unchangeable things that you’re quite literally born into, much like who your parents are, where you were raised, and how much money your family had.

Like those other parts of your identity you didn’t ask for, the people ahead or behind you in the line of succession can affect how you deal with conflict, interact with others, and even see yourself. So the stakes are not not high. In her practice, therapist and social worker Crystal Britt, LCSW, says she’s even considered changing her intake forms to include birth order just because there are certain ways birth order can impact how we understand and see ourselves—like eldest daughter syndrome, for example.

But birth order’s intersection with mental health isn’t a new idea. Back in the early 1900s, physician and psychotherapist Alfred Adler, MD, developed a theory that your place among your siblings can inform your psychological development. While the research on this varies a lot, mental health pros generally agree it’s the way your caregivers and siblings treat you based on your birth order that can leave a lasting impact. Basically, how well a kid fits into their family structure depends on the extent that they’re allowed to be themselves, says Britt. “Birth order can impact that,” she adds.

It makes sense: If your parents place more responsibility on you just because you’re the oldest, or if your siblings treat you like a baby just because you’re the youngest, then there’s an opportunity for those experiences to affect your mental health. 

Of course, it’s important to remember that the traits associated with your specific position in the family aren’t set in stone, and there is no birth placement that makes you more likely to experience mental health conditions, explains therapist Meri Wallace, LCSW, author of Birth Order Blues. 

That said! Here are some of the most common mental struggles that come with your particular position in line for the throne and what you can do about it.

You’re the oldest.

OK, let’s address the eldest boy and eldest daughter of it all. As the first born, you’re more likely to take on roles or responsibilities that are not normal for kids, or what therapists call “parentifying,” explains Britt. You might feel like you need to (or are encouraged to) manage everybody’s feelings or become hyper aware of your parents’ emotions and their reactions.

If that’s the case for you, you might have trouble setting boundaries with others, which can impact the health of your relationships as an adult, says Britt. It might also keep you from being your ~authentic self~, which is an important part of living your best life and avoiding people-pleasing pitfalls, she adds.

Whether you tried to keep everyone in your house happy or not, you might also have felt like your parents expected more out of you (and still do), which can be stressful, explains Wallace. Your gender can also play a role in the expectations your family (or your culture or society in general) sets for you as the oldest, says Britt. If you’re an oldest girl, that might mean taking care of or even co-parenting your siblings. For oldest boys, you might be expected to be the “man of the house” before you’re legally an adult. Whatever the case, “those expectations, even if they’re family traditions, don’t consider the person’s needs, which is the most important part of managing mental health.”

Plus, if you feel like you’re not meeting your parents’ standards, your self-esteem could take a hit, Wallace adds. Because of this, in her experience, she’s found that a lot of first borns are very, very anxious.

You’re in the middle.

Despite what you’ve heard, being the middle child might set you up for serious emotional and mental success. Because you’re stuck between the first and the last, you might miss out on the kind of parental attention and care your other siblings get, says child, family, and couples psychotherapist Fran Walfish, PsyD. Which could be a good or bad thing!

That might inspire you to become an attention seeker. It could also prompt you to become more resilient and self-reliant and to develop better coping skills than your siblings, she explains. You’ve also likely learned to accommodate your parents and siblings, which could help you develop mediation skills, Dr. Walfish adds. 

So, while middle children often get the worst rap, that’s usually more of a stereotype than reality, says Dr. Walfish. “In some cases they’re the black sheep, but I find that more the exception than the rule,” she explains.

You’re the youngest.

By the time you become the baby of the fam, your parents have already been taking care of at least one child for a minute, meaning they may have improved their parenting skills along the way. Yay for you! Plus, last-born children also have the opportunity to develop emotional and social skills by interacting with their older siblings. That can translate to a more advanced emotional intelligence as you age.

That said, as you get older, you might experience the same kind of high expectation issues as the eldest children among us. In addition to feeling the pressure to meet those standards, you might also feel like no one takes your accomplishments seriously, says Wallace. Part of that is because the youngest often gets compared to the older siblings, which can make you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough. 

Finally, when you’re the youngest, there are more people older than you willing to lend a hand as you’re growing up, explains Wallace. That’s especially true if you’re a lot younger, like seven years or more, says Dr. Walfish. While that’s kind of awesome as a kid who needs help getting things done, it can make it harder to become an independent adult later in life.

If you’ve got a big age gap between you and the sibs, that can also make it harder for your fam (and yourself) to see you as a grown up, even when you’re like 32. In those cases, it’s possible “that child never really becomes fully independent, and a certain immaturity can remain,” says Dr. Walfish. Alas.

You’re an only child. 

According to Britt, as an only child, you may experience an amalgamation of all birth order roles into one. Fun! “It can be really difficult for only children to be [in] the spotlight and under the microscope of their parents’ expectations, hopes, and dreams,” she explains.

Technically, only children often face issues similar to the oldest kids. But because you don’t have another sibling to interact with, it could be a little more challenging for you to develop communication skills. “An only child tends to be with adults a lot, just like a first born,” Wallace says. Sometimes, that can be lonely.

Still, as an only, you might internalize your parents’ love in a way that boosts your confidence and self-esteem. That’s awesome, but it can also set you up to be a little more challenged by oppositional viewpoints, says Dr. Walfish. When parents don’t oppose your ideas, you might struggle to compromise later in life, she adds. 

You’re a twin (or triplet, etc.)

If this is your situation, you basically have “a person who is exactly the same age as you who had the same set of parents at the same stage of life,” Britt says. That could boost your social skills and make you feel less alone, which are great things. 

But if your parents compare the two of you or favor one of you over the other, that puts your psychological health at risk, adds Britt. If that’s the case, you could feel like you’ll never live up to the other or like you have to compete for attention and love from your parents. 

That said, if you feel like you can separate yourself from your sibling by developing your own identity and sense of self, you can overcome all that. It’s not easy when you’re constantly lumped with another sibling, but it’s possible. 

Now what?

While all of your childhood-based struggles are uniquely yours—even when it comes to birth order—we can all use a similar template to re-calibrate for the better.

The first step is accepting how you were raised. When you’re ready, take a minute to think or journal about the challenges you faced growing up and how they made you who you are—for better or for worse. Talking to someone about all this (whether that’s a friend, family member, or therapist) can help you heal too. “Once you hear your own voice say it out loud, it becomes reality,” says Dr. Walfish. 

When you’ve gotten to a place of acceptance (which can take a while, tbh) and you’ve decided that you don’t love the way those past experiences impact you now, you can figure out the best way to move forward. 

Start by taking accountability for the things you have control over. For example, maybe being the eldest daughter did put a major burden on you growing up. But you don’t have to keep accommodating your parents’ or siblings’ feelings if it’s getting in the way of you being your full self. You can set boundaries that protect those relationships while also looking out for your best interests. You’ve got your own back now.

The post Here’s Exactly How Your Birth Order Impacts Your Mental Health appeared first on Wondermind.

Highly Recommend Link Copied 03.25.24

10 Children’s Books That’ll Boost Their Emotional IQ

Courtesy of therapists who are experts at the child psychology thing. ByJessica Estrada

When I was little, I was a big bookworm (still am, honestly) and devoured titles like The Baby-Sitters Club (IYKYK) and Chicken Soup for the Soul. Those were definitely good reads, but, as someone who’s dealt with anxiety from a very young age, I wish I had books that helped me understand how I felt and how to cope. Today, there are actually tons of them.

And that’s kind of amazing since books that tell relatable stories can validate readers by normalizing their experiences. That makes readers, especially the youths, feel more confident and make sense of the world, says Bobbi Wegner, PsyD, clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and author of Raising Feminist Boys. So when titles lean into topics like complicated feelings, tough life experiences, or coping with mental roadblocks, it makes readers (no matter how old) feel better equipped to take on the emotional obstacles in their lives. 

If you’re on the hunt for emotionally intelligent stories to help the youngsters in your circle feel ready to tackle life, we asked Dr. Wegner and therapist Amanda Campbell, LMFT, who specializes in children and families at the Center for Early Childhood Connections therapy practice, for their top picks. Add these to your kids’ bookshelf and don’t be surprised if they become an emotional genius.

The post 10 Children’s Books That’ll Boost Their Emotional IQ appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.20.24

How to Be There for the New Parent Who’s Barely Hanging On

That newborn smell? Heavenly. Anxiety, depression, and overwhelm? Not so much. ByJessica Estrada

I had my first child four months ago, and postpartum was by far the most overwhelming and darkest season of my life. While I was thrilled to finally snuggle with my newborn baby, I wasn’t prepared to recover from the birth, deal with hormonal changes, and figure out how to take care of a tiny, precious human—all while running on very little sleep. I also wasn’t prepared for what it would do to my mental health. 

I knew those first few months would be difficult, sure, but I didn’t expect daily crying, questioning whether I made a mistake, and feeling guilty for thinking that way. I thought this should be one of the happiest moments of my life. 

I felt alone at the time, but I now know these feelings are really so common in new parents. A quick rundown: 1 in 8 new moms struggle with depression in the year after giving birth, per the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Those symptoms can also happen during pregnancy (it’s called peripartum depression), and researchers have reported that dads can experience them too. Postpartum anxiety is another biggie, with about 17% of women experiencing symptoms post birth, according to one Canadian study. 

Even without a diagnosed condition, most parents could use some assistance—like a lot. And while finding childcare or a quick hand when we need a break is helpful, it doesn’t always enable us to take care of our perinatal mental health. Instead, ongoing support and check-ins that focus on us parents—not just the baby—are even more vital. “Parenthood can be isolating, and support is one of the most important protective factors in postpartum,” says Jessica Sorensen, LCSW, a reproductive and perinatal therapist. 

So if you’re trying to help someone who just had or is about to have a baby,  here are five actually beneficial ways to lend a hand, according to mental health pros. Trust me: These small but mighty gestures will make a world of difference to caregivers.

1. Focus on the parents’ well-being. 

Babies are super cute, and it’s very understandable if you’re just excited to meet and snuggle the new member of your circle. However, the people responsible for this nugget need even more attention. That’s because new parents often feel easily dismissed or like the last priority during this time, Sorensen says. Postpartum therapist Robyn Alagona Cutler, LMFT, agrees, adding, “They need to feel seen, heard, and understood.” If they don’t, they could start to feel lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed. And nobody wants to be in that mindset, Cutler explains. 

Making an effort to ask about or just acknowledge your new-to-parenting friends’ emotions can go a long way.  Be curious about how they’re really feeling. The next (and maybe most important part) is listening without giving side-eye or unsolicited advice, Cutler says. When you do, you’ll help meet their emotional needs during this challenging and literally life-changing time. 

2. Steer clear of platitudes.  

When someone’s freshly postpartum (or going through anything difficult, really), the last thing they probably want to hear is an optimistic, cliché phrase. Think: “Enjoy every moment,” or “At least you and the baby are healthy.” My least favorite: “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.” Cool. Thanks. 

Even if you have good intentions, these pep talks minimize someone’s feelings, Sorensen says. And it can make new parents feel guilty when they don’t enjoy every aspect of parenting, adds psychotherapist Sarah Levine-Miles, LCSW. JFYI: It’s totally possible to love your kid and also miss your old life and hate things like being tired all the time, navigating feeding difficulties, and the physical aftermath of giving birth.

When a caregiver is going through the wringer, or even if they’re not, Cutler recommends avoiding any words of wisdom that encourage the new parents to look on the bright side. Instead, try to find words of affirmation that validate their emotions, enable them to feel less alone, and ease some of their overwhelm, Sorensen says. Here’s a freebie: “It seems like this stage is so difficult, and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” 

Another thing parents—especially first-time parents—really need to hear is that they’re doing a great job, Levine-Miles says. Channel your inner hype person and remind them that they’re top-notch guardians, regardless of how they may feel. 

3. Encourage them to take care of themselves. 

When someone’s life currently revolves around keeping their sweet little angel babe alive and thriving, it’s hard to snap out of caregiver mode and refill their cup. If you sense that’s happening, Sorensen suggests asking them how they’re taking personal time and encouraging them to take more mental health breaks. 

Self-care looks different for everyone, but you could recommend they take a looong everything shower or spend time in a park, which Sorensen says can prompt that recharged feeling. You could also gift them a journal to help them get grounded, let out all their emotions, and reflect on their journey, Sorensen adds. 

4. Share the load. 

When you bring up things like an everything shower, their response might be, “I literally can’t.” Since babies are pretty demanding, that’s valid. In that case, one big way to support their mental health is by taking things off their plate. 

But don’t be all, “LMK if you need anything!” which can seem non-committal. Instead, make it easier for caregivers struggling to ask for a hand by offering specific ways to pitch in, Sorensen says. 

Ask if you can bring over a meal so they don’t have to cook. Offer to wash bottles, do laundry, or clean the house. “A clean space can help take away the stressors many parents feel at home with their baby,” Sorensen adds. Another one: See if they want you to watch the kiddo while they get some much-needed sleep, she adds. Basically, chipping in with any and every life task (baby-focused or not) will give them more time for rest and self-care. 

5. Be available and stay available.

When people first bring home a new baby, their phone may buzz with friends and family checking in to see the goods. Then, life gets busy, and all the support they had disappears. But postpartum parents need ongoing assistance of all kinds, so it’s important to keep showing up for them physically and emotionally when you can, Cutler says. Try checking in about once a week. Even if they’re all good, show them you’re thinking about them and are available if they need you, Sorensen says. 

If needed, Levine-Miles recommends helping parents access professional resources like therapists, doctors, or lactation consultants, which can ease the stress of growing a family. Doing some legwork can relieve some of the mental load of project managing their life with a new kiddo. Levine-Miles recommends dropping links to or contact info for Postpartum Support International (their helpline is 800-944-4773). For breastfeeding support, look to resources such as La Leche International and the federal WIC program.  

The bottom line: Helping parents with their mental health and growing families isn’t as complicated as it may seem. It’s OK if you can’t follow every single tip all the time, but continually checking in and listening with an open mind can mean a lot more than you think. 

The post How to Be There for the New Parent Who’s Barely Hanging On appeared first on Wondermind.