Pro Tips Link Copied 03.20.24

How to Be There for the New Parent Who’s Barely Hanging On

That newborn smell? Heavenly. Anxiety, depression, and overwhelm? Not so much. ByJessica Estrada

I had my first child four months ago, and postpartum was by far the most overwhelming and darkest season of my life. While I was thrilled to finally snuggle with my newborn baby, I wasn’t prepared to recover from the birth, deal with hormonal changes, and figure out how to take care of a tiny, precious human—all while running on very little sleep. I also wasn’t prepared for what it would do to my mental health. 

I knew those first few months would be difficult, sure, but I didn’t expect daily crying, questioning whether I made a mistake, and feeling guilty for thinking that way. I thought this should be one of the happiest moments of my life. 

I felt alone at the time, but I now know these feelings are really so common in new parents. A quick rundown: 1 in 8 new moms struggle with depression in the year after giving birth, per the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Those symptoms can also happen during pregnancy (it’s called peripartum depression), and researchers have reported that dads can experience them too. Postpartum anxiety is another biggie, with about 17% of women experiencing symptoms post birth, according to one Canadian study. 

Even without a diagnosed condition, most parents could use some assistance—like a lot. And while finding childcare or a quick hand when we need a break is helpful, it doesn’t always enable us to take care of our perinatal mental health. Instead, ongoing support and check-ins that focus on us parents—not just the baby—are even more vital. “Parenthood can be isolating, and support is one of the most important protective factors in postpartum,” says Jessica Sorensen, LCSW, a reproductive and perinatal therapist. 

So if you’re trying to help someone who just had or is about to have a baby,  here are five actually beneficial ways to lend a hand, according to mental health pros. Trust me: These small but mighty gestures will make a world of difference to caregivers.

1. Focus on the parents’ well-being. 

Babies are super cute, and it’s very understandable if you’re just excited to meet and snuggle the new member of your circle. However, the people responsible for this nugget need even more attention. That’s because new parents often feel easily dismissed or like the last priority during this time, Sorensen says. Postpartum therapist Robyn Alagona Cutler, LMFT, agrees, adding, “They need to feel seen, heard, and understood.” If they don’t, they could start to feel lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed. And nobody wants to be in that mindset, Cutler explains. 

Making an effort to ask about or just acknowledge your new-to-parenting friends’ emotions can go a long way.  Be curious about how they’re really feeling. The next (and maybe most important part) is listening without giving side-eye or unsolicited advice, Cutler says. When you do, you’ll help meet their emotional needs during this challenging and literally life-changing time. 

2. Steer clear of platitudes.  

When someone’s freshly postpartum (or going through anything difficult, really), the last thing they probably want to hear is an optimistic, cliché phrase. Think: “Enjoy every moment,” or “At least you and the baby are healthy.” My least favorite: “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.” Cool. Thanks. 

Even if you have good intentions, these pep talks minimize someone’s feelings, Sorensen says. And it can make new parents feel guilty when they don’t enjoy every aspect of parenting, adds psychotherapist Sarah Levine-Miles, LCSW. JFYI: It’s totally possible to love your kid and also miss your old life and hate things like being tired all the time, navigating feeding difficulties, and the physical aftermath of giving birth.

When a caregiver is going through the wringer, or even if they’re not, Cutler recommends avoiding any words of wisdom that encourage the new parents to look on the bright side. Instead, try to find words of affirmation that validate their emotions, enable them to feel less alone, and ease some of their overwhelm, Sorensen says. Here’s a freebie: “It seems like this stage is so difficult, and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” 

Another thing parents—especially first-time parents—really need to hear is that they’re doing a great job, Levine-Miles says. Channel your inner hype person and remind them that they’re top-notch guardians, regardless of how they may feel. 

3. Encourage them to take care of themselves. 

When someone’s life currently revolves around keeping their sweet little angel babe alive and thriving, it’s hard to snap out of caregiver mode and refill their cup. If you sense that’s happening, Sorensen suggests asking them how they’re taking personal time and encouraging them to take more mental health breaks. 

Self-care looks different for everyone, but you could recommend they take a looong everything shower or spend time in a park, which Sorensen says can prompt that recharged feeling. You could also gift them a journal to help them get grounded, let out all their emotions, and reflect on their journey, Sorensen adds. 

4. Share the load. 

When you bring up things like an everything shower, their response might be, “I literally can’t.” Since babies are pretty demanding, that’s valid. In that case, one big way to support their mental health is by taking things off their plate. 

But don’t be all, “LMK if you need anything!” which can seem non-committal. Instead, make it easier for caregivers struggling to ask for a hand by offering specific ways to pitch in, Sorensen says. 

Ask if you can bring over a meal so they don’t have to cook. Offer to wash bottles, do laundry, or clean the house. “A clean space can help take away the stressors many parents feel at home with their baby,” Sorensen adds. Another one: See if they want you to watch the kiddo while they get some much-needed sleep, she adds. Basically, chipping in with any and every life task (baby-focused or not) will give them more time for rest and self-care. 

5. Be available and stay available.

When people first bring home a new baby, their phone may buzz with friends and family checking in to see the goods. Then, life gets busy, and all the support they had disappears. But postpartum parents need ongoing assistance of all kinds, so it’s important to keep showing up for them physically and emotionally when you can, Cutler says. Try checking in about once a week. Even if they’re all good, show them you’re thinking about them and are available if they need you, Sorensen says. 

If needed, Levine-Miles recommends helping parents access professional resources like therapists, doctors, or lactation consultants, which can ease the stress of growing a family. Doing some legwork can relieve some of the mental load of project managing their life with a new kiddo. Levine-Miles recommends dropping links to or contact info for Postpartum Support International (their helpline is 800-944-4773). For breastfeeding support, look to resources such as La Leche International and the federal WIC program.  

The bottom line: Helping parents with their mental health and growing families isn’t as complicated as it may seem. It’s OK if you can’t follow every single tip all the time, but continually checking in and listening with an open mind can mean a lot more than you think. 

The post How to Be There for the New Parent Who’s Barely Hanging On appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.12.23

7 Ways to Be There for Someone Dealing With Infertility or Miscarriage

Keep the silver linings to yourself. ByKaty Huie Harrison, PhD

After my first miscarriage, a friend’s well-meaning but extremely awkward comment left me reeling. I was mid-sob, recounting an ultrasound that showed emptiness where my baby should have been. Before I could even get to the part where I had to walk through a waiting room full of expectant moms, she cut in with, “Wait, there wasn’t really a baby? Doesn’t that make it easier?” 

That one floored me. My grief felt completely dismissed. But I also knew that a lot of us just don’t know how to support someone through infertility or miscarriage. It’s not that my friend meant to make me feel shitty or be insensitive, she just didn’t have the words or understanding to be there for me. 

Miscarriage is incredibly common, yet it’s a type of loss that’s not widely recognized or supported, explains psychotherapist Loree Johnson, PhD, LMFT. So, whether you know someone dealing with this right now or not, it can be really helpful to give yourself a refresher on the best way to help someone struggling with issues of pregnancy loss or infertility and the feelings that come with them.

Take it from someone who spent a year-and-a-half trying to conceive before losing four pregnancies in a row—there are ways to support people dealing with fertility trauma. Here, experts (and yours truly) explain how to be there without the unhelpful “at leasts.” 

1. Just listen.

This is one of the most important things you can do when someone is struggling, but it’s surprisingly hard. That’s because listening means fighting the urge to say something—anything—to make the situation better. But by sitting in silence, you’re actually prioritizing their voice over your own, says Dr. Johnson, who works with clients experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Plus, you’re gaining valuable insight into how they feel and the best way to be there for them.

Sitting with others in their feelings is an integral part of supporting any emotional struggle, especially one you might not fully understand, explains Dr. Johnson. So by physically being there without chiming in, you’re letting the person in pain feel validated and heard, she adds. 

In real life, this could look like asking your friend how they’re doing and shutting up as long as you can. “Just be with the person you love,” says Jessica Zucker, PhD, a psychologist specializing in reproductive health and author of I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement. It’s OK if you’re uncomfortable, she adds. 

2. Avoid empty optimism.

Yeah, it’s tough not to cut through the discomfort with a silver lining, but it’s worth holding back, says Dr. Zucker. “Our culture often demands we focus on the bright side, and when you offer platitudes, you become part of that chorus,” she explains. So sayings like, “everything happens for a reason,” or “God has a plan,” or pretty much any statement beginning with “at least” is probably not what a person in this situation wants to hear. 

This well-meaning brand of toxic positivity invalidates negative emotions, which can wind up being hurtful. “When we rush to offer words we hope will be comforting, it can undermine the process a grieving person needs to experience,” explains Dr. Johnson. 

So even if the stuff that comes after your “at least” is true, you’re not meeting the person where they are, Dr. Zucker says. Your friend might feel like they have to believe in this silver lining narrative, which keeps them from sitting with their tough emotions. They might even feel more alone because no one seems to get why they feel the way that they do. 

All of this is to say that, when you do offer words of support, Dr. Johnson suggests language like “I’m so sorry,” and “I’m here for you,” rather than positive-vibes-only lingo.

3. Remind them it’s not their fault.

People dealing with infertility or loss often experience feelings of guilt. And many times, our comments unintentionally exacerbate that self-blame. “Just relax and it’ll happen,” can sound a bit like, “You’ve been too stressed, and that’s the problem.”

As support people, we can help them remember that infertility and miscarriage are no one’s fault. They didn’t choose to go through this pain, and that cup of coffee they drank had nothing to do with their negative pregnancy test or miscarriage. 

4. Don’t try to fix it.

When someone you love is struggling, you may be tempted to give them suggestions or solutions. But, chances are, your person is already working with medical providers, undergoing invasive testing, or spending hours in a Google rabbit hole. Unless they’re asking for it, they probably don’t need your advice.

Even if you’ve been in their shoes, success stories from people like you may also be unhelpful. “Sharing a hopeful story is a way of inadvertently bypassing someone’s feelings or their actual lived experience,” explains Dr. Zucker. On the flip side, “hearing other’s traumatic stories, especially in the immediate aftermath of your own, can be incredibly frightening and retraumatizing. Even if the story you’re telling has a happy ending, we can’t predict other people’s endings.”

So, just pause to remind yourself that there’s nothing for you to fix here, says Dr. Zucker.

5. Make small but specific gestures of kindness.

If you want to do something, small acts can lighten your friend’s load and also remind them they’re not alone, which is huge in times like these. “Basic needs are really hard to take care of when you’re bereaved or going through a chaotic emotional process,” says Dr. Johnson. Making a meal, walking their dog, or running an errand for them can make a difference. That said, it’s even more helpful for you to offer to help with a specific thing rather than asking vaguely how you can help. 

“This takes the pressure off the person having to decide what they need when they’re in a crisis and unable to think about it,” explains Dr. Johnson. “Having someone offer a plan that covers a basic need can be very orienting when you’re going through a disorienting life experience.”

6. Make it easier for them to set boundaries.

People navigating infertility and miscarriage need to establish personal boundaries around what information they’re comfortable sharing, who they share it with, what information they’re open to receiving, what events they feel comfortable attending, and more. Those do-not-cross lines create an emotionally safe space for them to do the hard work of processing their feelings, says Dr. Johnson. 

Since a lot of people aren’t comfortable doing that, you can take steps to understand where the lines are. Dr. Johnson recommends framing conversations in a way that respects the other person’s boundaries, even if you aren’t sure what they are. For example, you can offer to be a sounding board as they go through the IVF process and need to vent. Make that suggestion and then ask, “Does this work for you? If not, what does?” That opens a window for the person who’s struggling to say, “Thank you, but here’s actually what works better for me.” 

7. Include them, but give ‘em a pass if they need it.

It’s important for your struggling friends to still feel wanted, and fun outings can get their minds off their fertility struggles. But social occasions, especially celebratory ones, can also be hard for people who don’t feel like celebrating. 

You can and should still invite them to dinner, parties, holiday events, and even baby showers. But you can also remind them that it’s OK to sit it out, especially when it’s an event you know might be hard on them. 

For example, being around pregnant people or parents and their children can trigger people struggling with fertility challenges because it’s the epitome of what they’re trying to achieve, Dr. Johnson explains. “When a story hasn’t unfolded the way someone anticipated, it’s a source of great pain, and probably ultimately the biggest life crisis they’ve had to endure up to that point,” she adds.

And what if we did our friends one better? Dr. Johnson suggests sending a text before the actual invitation, “Tell them that you know it might be difficult, and you want to honor that difficulty, while also honoring the relationship by including them. Give them permission to respond in whatever way that they need to, and also to change their mind.” That permission slip is worth more than any gift you could possibly send.

The post 7 Ways to Be There for Someone Dealing With Infertility or Miscarriage appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 11.03.23

How Chef Sohla El-Waylly Is Navigating Life With Her Book Baby and Real Baby

Plus, the food media veteran talks about learning from failure. BySam Brodsky

Whether you’ve been a hardcore Sohla fan since her early YouTube days or you jumped on the bandwagon after watching her as a judge on The Big Brunch, you’re about to start seeing a whole lot more of Sohla El-Waylly.

That’s because she just released her debut cookbook, Start Here: Instructions for Becoming a Better Cook, a massive feat that was sorta like birthing a kid, El-Waylly tells Wondermind. “It’s kind of like you have this baby, then they go off into the world, and so now the baby’s gone and I [get to] see how people react to it. It’s scary.”

This book baby metaphor makes even more sense when you realize that El-Waylly also just had a real-life baby (yes, she’s been busy). “Hanging out with this kid’s been fun,” she says. “I think it’s going to get more fun when she knows I exist and makes facial expressions that aren’t just gas.” 

We caught up with El-Waylly before her book launch to talk about therapy, failure, and all the emotions of raising a new baby (the human kind, not the book kind).   

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WM: Congrats on becoming a new mom! How are you doing lately?

Sohla El-Waylly: I am sleepy. That is the main thing. We have a not-yet-five-weeks-old baby, so she hasn’t gotten to the point where she sleeps more than two hours at a time. You know, we’re just sleepy [laughs].

Right after having her, I specifically remember, on day four, it must’ve been peak hormone crash because I had a weird mix of emotions and highs and lows. I was just sitting there crying, being like, She’s never going to be this small again!  But … it’s been mostly good. There’s been a couple of nights where it just feels like she is crying constantly, where I’ll wake up and feel really frustrated and feel like I can’t do this. Then, two seconds later, she’ll be really cute and sleep in my arms and I’m over it.

My mental health throughout the pregnancy and postpartum was top of mind for both me and my husband. [Editor’s note: She’s married to fellow chef Ham El-Waylly.] So I found a therapist that was specific for working with new mothers, and that really helped a lot. … And I also found a midwife team that’s very trauma aware.

One big reason I waited to have a child was because I was really worried about my mental health. It’s a lot happening to you, to your body, and I wanted to make sure that it was as pleasant an experience as possible. And I think all of that work really paid off because the whole pregnancy was really smooth. I was really good emotionally. The whole labor and delivery was really smooth. Even now it is. 

I was really worried that I would lose my identity. Your identity changes when you have a kid, and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be me anymore. I feel like I really prepared for that. And I have had to slow down, and it’s been OK, but I think it was because of all the therapy. 

WM: Is this the first time you’ve worked with a therapist?

SE: No, I have in the past, but this is the first one that I really like and click with. I also think part of that’s because I took it really seriously. I go in with a checklist every week of what I want to talk about, and I make sure I think about everything during the week. It’s like if you have a personal trainer—I don’t have one, but if you have one—and you only work out that one time a week with them, it’s not going to do anything. It’s about doing the work on your own. I think I just took it more seriously because there are some stakes. So it really has worked well for me this time around. 

WM: What made you want to look for a therapist who specializes in the pregnancy and the postpartum period?

SE: Well, it was something that I was really thinking about even before conceiving, but I didn’t immediately go for the therapist. I thought I could do it on my own. And then there was a point, I think at the end of the first trimester, where I was just getting really overwhelmed and having a lot of nightmares. Then I was like, No, it’s time to get some help. 

WM: What’s the best thing your therapist has taught you about motherhood?

SE: So many things, honestly. But I guess constantly reminding me that whatever I do, I’m doing a good job, I’m trying, I’m doing the right things. It’s just a lot of reassurance because it’s easy to feel like you’re messing up even before you get started. 

Before giving birth, I was just terrified. So we were talking through all my fears and all the bad things that I think could happen. And now, I feel like I’m over the big scary hump, and it’s more day-to-day stuff rather than these big, scary things. But it’s still very helpful.

WM: You mentioned your identity changing when you have a kid. Who is Sohla, the mom? 

SE: I still feel like me! I was even able to work part-time after the first week, which is really important to me because a big part of who I am is the work that I do. I was even talking to my husband. We’re like, “Oh, it’s just our life, but there’s a baby now.” It’s great. It doesn’t feel like much has changed.  

WM: Speaking of work, tell me about the highs and lows, if there were any, of creating your new cookbook. 

SE: [Laughs] It was pretty much all lows. I don’t feel any highs from it yet. Maybe I will when it’s out, but it was really hard. I think the biggest thing was self-doubt. A lot of, How could I possibly do this? Who am I to write this? 

Towards the end, I did a lot of the writing in one big chunk like three months before it was due. The first year of working on it, I pretty much did research and outlines, but the bulk of the writing happened towards the end. I was just at home, not sleeping, not getting any sunlight, not on a normal person’s schedule, writing through the night and then sleeping during the day. I really got lost in my head because there was nothing else. I was just doing this. So when I finished the manuscript, I did get very, very depressed. 

I thought I’d feel like a big sense of accomplishment and instead I felt burnt out. And it took a few weeks of just doing absolutely nothing to recharge. I think a big part of it was that I hadn’t left the house, so I would just lie in the backyard in the sun like a solar panel and recharge.

WM: What do you want people to get out of this book?

SE: I really want people to learn from this cookbook. It’s not just a collection of recipes. I really want people to take away techniques. [Editor’s note: The book is like an awesome master class. Each chapter teaches you one core cooking or baking technique, like how to stew and braise, and has a list of recipes to help you practice that lesson. It’s not JUST recipes, people!] 

My favorite thing is when I learn something from somewhere or from someone and I carry it with me. Like, I’ll be cooking, and I remember this chef who taught me how to blanch peas 20 years ago or I remember when I read about how to dice potatoes when I was a kid. I really hope that there’s something in the book that people carry with them and it can be part of their life. 

WM: In the intro of the cookbook, you talk about the importance of failure. When was the last time that you failed? 

SE: Well, I failed yesterday. I was working on a new recipe for pumpkin cheesecake. I have a problem with springform pans. You know where it has a detachable bottom? You typically use it for cheesecake, and you wrap it in foil and bake it in a water bath. But I feel like it always leaks, so I tried to just bake a cheesecake in a regular pan to see if I could flip it out, and I couldn’t, and the whole thing fell apart. And then we scraped it out of there and ate it anyways. From that, I learned there is  a point to the springform pan, and you don’t really know until you try.

That’s a little failure that happened, and then big failures happen too. One of the biggest public failures I’ve had was our restaurant [Hail Mary] closing, and I think it’s something that I learned the most from. So I think that you can’t be scared of it. Yes, you’re probably going to fail. I feel like I fail 99% of the time, and it’s cool. You learn from it. That makes that 1% even more exciting. … It’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. 

WM: How do you learn to keep believing in yourself through failure? 

SE: It’s like a self-perpetuating kind of thing, you know? You fail, and then you try again on something small. And then the more you get back up, the more you realize it’s easy to come back from stuff. I feel like the more times I fuck up, the more I realize that I can get over anything. And the bigger the failure, the more confidence it gives me, because I know no matter what, I can always bounce back like a cockroach [laughs]. I think every time is very scary, but what’s the other option? There’s no other route but to just keep moving forward. 

WM: Is there anything about mental health that you want to teach your kid?

SE: A big reason why I got really focused on my own mental health before and during the pregnancy was because I don’t want to teach her my bad habits. I get really anxious about things and stressed about stuff, and there was a point after the pandemic where I was having panic attacks. So I really want to get all that under control. I want to teach her by example. I want to be very thoughtful and levelheaded about my decisions, and hopefully I can show her that as well. 

WM: How do you personally cope with panic attacks?

SE: I do a daily check-in. That really helps me see where I am mentally and try to be present. And I think that’s the main thing, just trying to be present with everything, which is harder to do than it sounds. Just taking a second every morning, checking in with myself and also checking in with my husband, because sometimes you spiral in your head and I need to talk it through with someone who I trust and be like, “Is this really a problem or am I getting lost?” So that really helps too. 

[When I’m in an actual panic attack,] I find that any kind of stimulation makes it worse. I don’t even want someone to touch me, so it’s more just getting in a quiet place and shutting everything off and just being alone with myself. 

WM: What’s the best mental health advice you’ve ever received?

SE: I think a big thing that I’ve gotten from this therapist was just forgiving myself. I think that was at the core of a lot of things. I just wallow in regret and guilt sometimes, and I need to get out of that hole because it doesn’t do you any good. 

WM: A little bit of a lighter question! As a chef, can you explain how emotion ties into the food that you cook?

SE: I think if it’s good, it should have some emotion behind it. It doesn’t have to be a [big] meal—it can even be a bowl of cereal—but if you’re enjoying it, it’s gonna evoke some emotion. Nostalgia or comfort or something like that. I think when I’ve had a meal and I don’t feel satisfied, it’s because it didn’t give me that. I think that you get that when the food is coming from a place that matters. You know what I mean? There’s a story behind a dish or a restaurant or a recipe, and it really comes through when you sit down and eat.

I’m a big fan of Thanksgiving. I always get lots of warm, fuzzy feelings for Thanksgiving because, growing up, that was the first time I got to cook unsupervised since my family kind of let the kids take over. So anytime I have box stuffing—not even a fancy stuffing—or gravy from a jar, it just gives me those nostalgic feelings.

WM: What are you most proud of?

SE: I think the relationship I have with my husband is the best thing, and it’s what keeps me grounded. It’s like the foundation in my life. We have a great relationship, and we worked really hard to get there. It didn’t just magically appear. I think a lot of people see us and how well we communicate, and they think that we just found each other and it’s like a fairytale, and it’s like: No, we worked really hard for it, and I’m really happy we have it. 

We are constantly communicating, and sometimes it’s frustrating, but it’s really important. You can’t just leave things unsaid or lingering. You got to talk through everything and you got to work through everything, and it’s going to be worth it in the end.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post How Chef Sohla El-Waylly Is Navigating Life With Her Book Baby and Real Baby appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 01.31.23

8 People Share What Really Helped Them With Peripartum Depression

"Just because you feel bad doesn't mean you are bad." BySam Brodsky

If you’re going through it, peripartum depression can seem like a thing no one really warned you about, but it’s actually pretty common. About 9% of women experience depression in pregnancy—and around 7% go through a depressive episode within the first 12 months after giving birth, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). (It’s worth noting here that people of different gender identities can give birth, but these stats from the DSM-5-TR  were gathered in a way that doesn’t seem to have taken that into consideration.)

For those unfamiliar with the term, peripartum depression refers to depression that happens during or after pregnancy. You may have also heard it called postpartum depression or perinatal depression, or, more generally, referred to as part of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). In the DSM-5-TR, it’s listed as “major depressive disorder with peripartum onset.” The phrasing may change a bit depending on who you’re talking to, but the overall gist is the same. 

Peripartum depression can feel like you’re “paddling as hard as you can to keep your head above water. You’re just waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to throw you a life preserver and pull you out on the shore and save you,” says licensed social worker Paige Bellenbaum, LMSW, founding director and chief external relations officer at The Motherhood Center of New York. 

The exact symptoms can vary from person to person, though you may feel sad, worthless, or fatigued, and your sleeping schedule and appetite might also be off. That might sound like it’s just par for the course of being a sleep-deprived new parent, but, in the case of peripartum depression, these symptoms are debilitating and long-lasting, going far beyond what most consider to be the “baby blues.” 

In a lot of cases, there’s also an added layer of guilt since you’re in charge of this brand new human at a time that’s “supposed” to be THE best (whatever that means), says perinatal psychologist Katayune Kaeni, PsyD, PMH-C. Remember this though: “What you’re going through [does not mean anything] about who you are. It’s about being under high stress during this major life transition. Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean you are bad,” Dr. Kaeni assures. 

Many people’s peripartum depression symptoms begin during pregnancy or within the first four weeks following delivery, according to the DSM-5-TR,  but they can start up anytime within the first year of giving birth, and, if left untreated, may last for years, says Dr. Kaeni. Other types of PMADs can happen alongside depression, whether that’s OCD, an anxiety disorder, or postpartum psychosis, Dr. Kaeni explains. (And just so you know, partners of people who’ve given birth can experience postpartum depression too, says Dr. Kaeni.)

The recovery process may be slow, but treatments like therapy and antidepressants, along with support from your loved ones and those who’ve been there, can help. “When you’re on the road to recovery, it’s never a straight line to the finish line. But there comes a time where you look back and say, ‘I’m past it,’” Bellenbaum says. She knows because she’s been through it—and so has Dr. Kaeni. Ahead, you’ll hear from both of these mental health pros and other parents about what helped them navigate this type of depression. 

Heads up: There’s some discussion around suicidal ideation below.

1. Therapy and meds.

“When my daughter was about 12 months, I started feeling it. There was so much excitement and new changes with her that I relished in. Then, there was a shift—whether gradual or overnight I couldn’t say—where I would look at her do something cute and know I should smile or photograph this and be excited, but I just couldn’t. Then guilt and shame would set in because all I wanted was to be a mom and now it seemed like I didn’t like it.  

Luckily, my general practitioner listened to me when I broke down in his office. He gave me a prescription for antidepressants and encouraged me to go back to counseling. The medication gave me a boost and the counseling helped change my perspective. I was doing a lot of circular thinking by comparing myself to other moms (including celebrities) and feeling like a failure. Counseling helped me practice gratitude for what I had, celebrate what I was doing, and not do the comparison thing. I could feel myself reconnecting with some of the simple moments. I found my rhythm and balance of life. I no longer felt like an outsider to our family.” —Amanda T., 45

2. Faking it till I made it.

“After my first pregnancy, I had suicidal thoughts and was going through severe anxiety and depression, but I didn’t realize what was going on. When I expected my second child, I prepared with regular therapy sessions. I thought I avoided postpartum depression until I hit rock bottom when my baby was 5 months old.

What has helped me is dialectical behavior therapy—specifically a skill I learned from it, called opposite action, where you do the opposite of what your emotions urge you to do. For example, I was terrified of traveling because it felt like a mountain of things could go wrong and hurt my kids. I checked the facts, made a safety plan with my husband, and traveled. At first I didn’t enjoy it. I was stressed, tired, and numb. But after a few trips, I started feeling joy again. 

The exposure is the key. If I fear something, I check the facts about it. If my fear is not justified, then I do the opposite. It’s like faking it until you make it.” —Anonymous

3. Doing things I liked.

“I experienced depression both during and after my pregnancy. During my pregnancy, feelings crept up on me. I would experience heavy thoughts one day, a normal day or so would pass, and then I would feel a desire for extreme isolation away from everyone. In mentioning these thoughts and feelings to my therapist and doctor, they advised that this was clinically diagnosable as depression. 

After birth, the depression hit me like a train. My sleep was impacted; my mood was impacted; and the ability to feel like a present mother, friend, sister, and employee all became a struggle. So did attending social events and simple tasks such as getting dressed or brushing my hair.

Aside from prescribed medication, fresh air, and alone time, participating in activities that I enjoyed before pregnancy, such as watching gymnastics and coaching when physically able, helped. I returned to coaching a few months after giving birth, and it did help my mood significantly. Being active and outside of the house made a world of difference when I had the strength, because it gave me an opportunity to do something I love and be around people.” —Indira, P., 27

4. Reaching out for help.

“My symptoms started during pregnancy, but it wasn’t until about six weeks postpartum where I really crashed. I became increasingly anxious and convinced that something terrible was going to happen to my son. At the apogee of that anxiety, I also became incredibly depressed. I stopped taking care of myself. I wasn’t able to sleep at all. I stopped eating. I felt hopeless. I felt helpless. I felt like I’d made a huge mistake. I felt like I didn’t like my baby and I didn’t want him. I wanted to run away somewhere and never come back. I had nothing to look forward to. I was convinced that this is what my life was going to look like forever.

The critical point for me was when I was pushing my son in a stroller one day. I hadn’t been outside in a long, long time. As I was approaching the corner, I just felt like I was surrounded by this gray, depressing fog. I saw this bus starting to pass in front of me, and every part of my body wanted to just end my life. I remember looking at the reflection of myself in the glass and not recognizing who I saw. That’s when I made the decision to get the help I needed.

I had been in therapy, but I found a therapist who specialized in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. I had been on an antidepressant prior, and I went back on one. As with any medication, I started to feel better slowly. At one point, I went to a support group for women experiencing postpartum depression, which I thought to be incredibly empowering and validating and normalizing—to realize I wasn’t alone.” —Paige Bellenbaum, LMSW, 49

5. Leaning into self-compassion.

“The thing that was the scariest for me about experiencing postpartum depression with my first child was that it didn’t show up like ‘normal’ depression. I didn’t notice that the intrusive thoughts had taken a permanent residence in my brain. I thought crying all day and berating myself for not being a better mom was just a normal part of being a new parent. I think this was compounded by the messages I was receiving in American culture about how this should be the best time in my life.

The biggest lesson during my first round of PMAD was that I needed to be kinder to myself. Motherhood is an ancient practice that takes time and tenderness to learn. I expected to master sleep schedules and keep my career going while raising a baby full time. When those things didn’t happen as planned, it felt like my life and my identity in the world was crashing all around me. But, in reality, I was building a new life. I was learning new priorities, new routines, and how to live with a brand new person in the world. 

The second time, I had to learn to cope with anxiety and panic attacks as well as my depressive episodes. One practice that’s helped me is to talk to my anxiety and tell her that everything is OK and ‘I got this.’ Once I allow her the space to feel safe, I feel more grounded and able to move through the panic attack quickly or avoid it altogether.” —Erin B., 35

6. Getting support.

“I experienced depression and anxiety following the birth of both of my girls, and, as I look back, there’s an incredible amount I didn’t know. The most heartbreaking thing was that I didn’t think anything was wrong and I definitely didn’t feel comfortable speaking up about it. That truly almost cost me absolutely everything when I went through postpartum psychosis and spent two weeks in a psychiatric unit. I went completely outside of reality and, at times, didn’t recognize my husband. 

Essentially, being forced to get help enabled me to understand how important self-care, being honest, and asking for (and accepting) help was. Having a support system and people to help you is absolutely imperative. 

My husband had to work during my episode and immediately became the full-time caregiver to our two kids (age 2 and 5 months at the time) and to me. Our families would alternate weeks to come help, and I wouldn’t have made it without everyone’s support.” —Kristina D., 37

7. Approaching the day in bite-sized bits.

“I developed my postpartum depression nine months after I gave birth to my daughter. I chalked my symptoms up to life stressors. But once those events passed, I was left feeling so alone and sad.

Every morning was grueling. I knew I needed to get up to take care of my baby and myself, but my body was fighting my mind. It felt like every little task and chore was so overwhelming. It was exhausting knowing everything I needed to do to provide for my little one but feeling so sad and wanting to cry. It was also incredibly hard to ask for help—from anyone. I opened up to my husband a little bit, but he had his plate full too and he was already so incredible in helping me whenever he could. I felt guilty adding anything more. Secretly, I was screaming for help in my head and wishing anyone would offer any ounce of help at all.

I really took some time at the start of the day to mentally prepare. That meant waking up an hour earlier than I normally would to allow myself to lay there, watch a show, and hype myself up. Another small thing I did was break down my day into 10-minute increments. I wouldn’t think about all the things I needed to do that day all at once. I would say to myself, ‘In the next 10 minutes, all you need to do is change her diaper.’ It helped in the long run.” —Joy K., 27

8. Challenging my thoughts.

“It took me about a year to realize what was going on because, as a therapist, there was this additional layer of pressure that I should have been able to figure this out. There’s also a little bit of denial. I did not want to be depressed. So, for me, the light bulb came on when I decided to just honestly sit down and fill out a depression screening myself so that I could objectively see: OK, yeah, you are actually dealing with something. Seeing that objectively on that piece of paper really made me see that I needed help.

So I went back to therapy. They were helpful, but it wasn’t a great fit, so I decided to use the skills that I know—and help people learn—to change my thought process. 

I had a colleague that used a catchphrase to describe this process: ‘Catch it, check it, change it.’ The first part is essentially building an awareness of your own thought process and trying to catch your negative self-judgmental thoughts. Checking it is: Is that really a true statement? Is it a true thought or feeling about something that’s happening? And then changing it is offering yourself an alternative. So let’s say I’m feeling like I’m a bad mom, and I catch myself saying that to myself. I check it: Am I really a bad mom? What are the things I’m doing to help my child?  Then, change it to something that’s either neutral or positive like, I’m doing my best right now. Or even a positive one would be, I am a good mom.” —Katayune Kaeni, PsyD, PMH-C, 44

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 8 People Share What Really Helped Them With Peripartum Depression appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.14.22

Let’s Talk About Peripartum Depression

Think postpartum depression but…earlier. ByClaire Gillespie

When I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after the birth of my first child, it was 2008 and the condition wasn’t exactly a hot topic of conversation at the new baby classes I attended, within my wider circle of mom friends, or even in the media. But, still, I knew what it was. I’d been through the questionnaire with my midwife as part of my postpartum checks (and the result was pretty conclusive). Plus I had a history of depression, so none of my symptoms were actually new to me. It was a case of finally admitting that it was more than just sleep deprivation or the “baby blues,” and that I needed some help if I was going to show up for my son every day. 

Things were a little different two years later when I was pregnant with my daughter. My depression symptoms—anxiety, overwhelming sadness, and an inability to sleep—were back, but I didn’t have my baby in my arms yet. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, so it couldn’t possibly be postpartum depression. That came after the birth, right? 

So, what is peripartum depression? 

It turns out that postpartum depression is pretty off-base as a name for a serious mental health condition that can actually strike at any point before the baby is born. And the medical community finally decided to acknowledge that in recent years—hence the name change. In 2013, the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) officially recognized the fact that depression associated with having a baby often begins during  pregnancy. 

Today, you’ll probably hear these words used interchangeably: postpartum depression (PPD), peripartum depression, perinatal depression, and major depressive disorder with peripartum onset. The DSM-5 calls it a subtype of depression that occurs during pregnancy or in the first four weeks after delivery, but people are actually at risk for developing depression up to several months following delivery, per the American Psychiatric Association (APA). 

“Peripartum depression is a more accurate descriptor of what we see clinically: Women can start experiencing symptoms of depression at any point during pregnancy or the postpartum period,” says board-certified psychiatrist and neurologist Elisabeth Netherton, MD, who is the regional medical director with Mindpath Health and specializes in maternal mental health issues and psychiatric treatment before, during, and after the birth of a baby.

More and more people are aware of postpartum depression, Dr. Netherton adds, but we might need to do a better job of talking about symptoms that start during  the actual pregnancy. 

What are the symptoms of peripartum depression?  

So, how do you know if what you’re experiencing actually meets the criteria for peripartum depression? This is a super common question because most pregnant people or new parents are drowning in unsolicited opinions and advice that can often make it sound like constant exhaustion, overwhelm, and crying are just kind of par for the course. But that’s not really the case. 

According to the APA, symptoms of peripartum depression can include things like depressed mood, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, changes in sleep or appetite, crying for no apparent reason, feeling really anxious or detached from the baby, feeling like you’re worthless or a bad parent, fear of harming yourself or the baby, and thoughts of death or suicide. 

While it’s a good idea to keep an eye out for these symptoms, you shouldn’t feel pressure to self-diagnose before you seek out help, says Dr. Netherton. “We are highly trained in working with mothers and assessing them for symptoms of depression (among many other things), as well as telling the difference between concerning symptoms and what may be more routine difficulties adjusting to having a new baby,” she explains. 

“Women are often culturally taught to minimize their symptoms, or wonder if they’re really suffering ‘enough’ to warrant seeking care for themselves,” Dr. Netherton says. “Rather than trying to find a one-size-fits-all benchmark for whether to seek guidance, I would say that if you’re wondering whether your symptoms meet criteria, that is in and of itself enough of a reason to see someone.” So if you have any doubts or concerns, it’s always a good idea to get a professional opinion from a psychiatrist or therapist who is trained in caring for pregnant and postpartum mothers, or from your ob-gyn or midwife. 

What are the risk factors for peripartum depression? 

Peripartum depression is probably more common than you think. According to the DSM-5, about 9% of people will experience a major depressive episode while pregnant, and about 7% will experience it in the first year after they give birth. And while peripartum depression doesn’t discriminate. certain things may put someone at a higher risk for peripartum depression, says Thalia Robakis, MD, PhD, associate clinical professor at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, New York, who specializes in perinatal mood disorders. 

Some of those risk factors include: age (younger parents are at a higher risk), a history of depression or other mental health conditions, relationship issues, experiencing poverty or other major stressors, and a family history of peripartum depression, explains Dr. Robakis.

Social support (or lack thereof) is another huge factor, says Dr. Netherton. And support from a partner is particularly crucial. One study found that mothers who have a good deal of social support, in general, but none from their partner showed significant risk for postpartum depression.

Having these factors don’t mean you’re doomed to experience depression during or after your pregnancy, but knowing your risk might help you beef up some protective factors too. For instance, you could try to make your mental health just as much of a priority as your physical health during pregnancy—and beyond. Sleep habits, in particular, are super important, says Dr. Robakis. Aim for at least five hours of consecutive, uninterrupted sleep each night, and when baby is born, get someone to help you feed the baby overnight if you can. It’s also not a bad idea to check in with a mental health provider before or during your pregnancy if you think you could develop peripartum depression. After having peripartum depression with my first two pregnancies, I made sure I got plenty of rest, relied on my social support system more than ever (both practically and emotionally), and scheduled regular sessions with my counselor—things I know from experience help keep my mental health in good shape. 

How can you get help for peripartum depression? 

If you think you have any symptoms of peripartum depression, reach out for help. And it’s important to know that you don’t have to be “sure” you meet the criteria for depression to speak with someone about it, says Dr. Netherton. 

“The best people to see are mental health care providers with a focus on reproductive mental health—this can be an MD, PhD, PsyD, or LCSW,” says Dr. Robakis. If you’ve never seen anyone for mental health care before and are having trouble locating someone, your ob-gyn, midwife, or doula may be able to help out with a recommendation. 

Postpartum Support International is one great resource that maintains an online database of providers and offers both local and online support groups, adds Dr. Netherton. There’s also the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-9-HELP4MOMS), which offers a free, confidential hotline for pregnant and new moms 24/7 in English and Spanish. 

“There is no one best place for help with perinatal mental health,” Dr. Netherton points out. “What is important is that your provider is comfortable working with pregnant and postpartum moms and maintains a nonjudgmental space for you to seek support.” So if you can’t afford or access a licensed mental health provider, maybe you can find a local support group or community health center that provides you with a safe space to vent and ask for help. And don’t be afraid to talk to other new parents you know to see if something worked for them (just because their experience looks incredibly easy and carefree on social media doesn’t mean it actually is). 

Treatment for peripartum depression may look different from person to person since it’ll take into account your unique symptoms, circumstance, and medical history. “Some moms might do well with therapy as an additional support and some moms might benefit from starting medication in addition to therapy,” says Dr. Netherton.  

And yes, taking mental health medications while pregnant or breastfeeding is recommended for some people, and there are many options that are safe and effective to use during this period. So while it’s normal to have some apprehension about anything you’re putting into your body while pregnant or breastfeeding, chatting with your doctor can help put your concerns at ease and find the right option for you.

It’s also important to highlight that depression isn’t the only peripartum mental health concern. “Anxiety disorders are also very common among pregnant or postpartum moms, as are symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mood disorders,” says Dr. Netherton. “A trained clinician can help guide you to the right diagnosis and treatment for each.”  

The bottom line: It’s great that we’re finally starting to recognize that the “baby blues” might actually be a serious (and treatable!) mental health condition. But it’s just as important to recognize that these symptoms often start well before your due date. If you have a hunch that you might be experiencing peripartum depression, check in with a health care provider sooner rather than later for support.

The post Let’s Talk About Peripartum Depression appeared first on Wondermind.