Pro Tips Link Copied 03.06.25

10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure

1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. ByLauren Del Turco Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem. 

So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”

Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks. 

Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.

Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can  learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.

1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.

“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.

2. Find the lesson in comparison.

You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your  dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.

There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.  

The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.

3. Don’t let criticism crush you.

Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally. 

Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!

Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable. 

4. Prove your insecurity wrong.

This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”

You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!

5. Flip the script on self-talk.

Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs,” Dr. Hayes says. “Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you’re feeling insecure.

6. Start asking questions.

When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.

First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.

Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?

Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort. 

Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.

7. Check in with your people. 

When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.  

When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured. 

Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make  you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.

8. Remind your body that you’re good.

Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.

9. Take note of the positives.

Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.

10. Explore the root of the issue.

If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”

Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes. 

The post 10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.05.25

10 Signs You’re Mentally Exhausted

Check, check, and check! BySam Brodsky

It’s usually obvious when your body is just…done. Out of order. Ready for sweet, sweet slumber. But feeling mentally exhausted is a little more complicated to pinpoint—because how can you really  tell when your brain needs a reboot?   

Technically speaking, mental exhaustion is not a clinical term, so there’s no real diagnostic criteria that helps us define it, says licensed psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD. But you can think of it as your brain being out of battery, she says. “It’s like using your phone, using all the apps, all day long. Your battery is going to drain much, much quicker than if you weren’t on your phone all day.” 

Maybe you’ve been doing something mentally taxing or stressful for a while—like focusing on work, multitasking, problem-solving, navigating your or others’ emotions, or making a ton of decisions—without a break, Dr. Rubenstein explains. Or you might feel drained from the emotional and logistical toll of having a physical or mental illness, she adds. 

If you’re thinking that mental exhaustion sounds a lot like burnout, you’re not wrong! They’re similar; they just aren’t necessarily exactly the same. Dr. Rubenstein considers mental exhaustion a part of  burnout or a factor that can lead to  feeling burned out. Burnout is “the natural conclusion to when mental exhaustion is stretched out over a long period of time,” agrees therapist Nathan Luecking, LICSW. Cool, so we want to avoid that, but how can we really know when we’re mentally exhausted? 

Ahead, experts break down telltale signs you’re mentally spent. You may not experience all of these, but you might find a few of them to be especially relatable and consistent in your own life. Let’s get into it—plus, what to do about this type of fatigue if you relate. 

1. You have trouble concentrating.

It’s harder for you to concentrate when you’re mentally drained because your brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of things like planning and paying attention, is overloaded, explains Dr. Rubenstein. You might find yourself rereading emails over and over, for instance. You see the words! They’re there! You just can’t focus on them, she says. 

It’s especially difficult to focus when you’re mentally exhausted from stress, notes Luecking. You can’t concentrate on anything else because you’re thinking about how to deal or you’re zeroing in on the high-alert physical feelings (rapid heart rate, GI issues, headache, etc.), he explains. Or, if everything is stressing you out, you might suck at paying attention during conversations or work since you’re getting pulled in different directions, Luecking says. 

2. You make mistakes.

You might eff up more when you’re mentally spent—and research even backs that up. In general, that has to do with not being able to focus, say Luecking and Dr. Rubenstein. You might misspell words, put a spoon away in the junk drawer, or use the wrong toothbrush—literally anything! Your brain is tired, Dr. Rubenstein says. That’s it!

3. You have decision fatigue.

When mental exhaustion sets in, your brain can struggle to weigh different options, says Dr. Rubenstein. “You might feel paralyzed when faced with simple choices, like, What do I cook for dinner?  or, How do I respond to this email?  If that’s not something that is usually an issue for you, and it becomes one, then that’s mental exhaustion.” You might notice this after a long day, Dr. Rubenstein notes. And it’s not that you’re in analysis paralysis because you’re scared to make up your mind; you simply don’t have the mental energy to decide. 

4. You’re irritable AF.

As we’ve established, you might have trouble focusing on your to-do list or a yap sesh. But your boss messaging you another assignment or someone texting you about their bad day can also be a tipping point when you feel like you can’t take on anything else. Enter: frustration and irritation, says Luecking. You might get pissed over things that don’t normally bother you (like someone being a little too slow while paying for their takeout ahead of you), notes Dr. Rubenstein. Basically, you are Grumpy Cat.

5. The overwhelm is real.

Just like you may be easily ticked off when you’re mentally checked out, it might be hard to handle your emotions in other ways when your brain’s fatigued. For example, you can feel overwhelmed by things that are usually manageable, like packing your kids’ bags for school, says Dr. Rubenstein. Anything feels like a chore when you’re drained because you don’t have the mental energy to get it done—even something small. “When your emotional load is already heavy, even the slightest addition can feel overwhelming,” Luecking explains. 

6. You procrastinate.

Some people push through and log more hours on their computer when they’re mentally exhausted (risking the chance they’ll make mistakes or burn out). Others tend to put off tasks because just thinking about doing them is stressful, says Luecking. You’re less motivated, so you cope by avoiding stuff that feels daunting, agrees Dr. Rubenstein. Sound familiar? 

7. You don’t even really want to do things you like to do.

Think about it: When you’re out of steam, you may not have the energy to participate in the book club that you, an avid reader, started. You can’t imagine recapping the latest reality TV drama with friends. Sometimes it’s about not being up for it, but it can also just be a feeling of apathy, where you don’t seem to care, notes Luecking. And, yes, that’s frustrating as hell. 

8. You isolate from other people.

It’s pretty obvious by now that a mentally exhausted person is stretched thinner than thin. You can’t really handle one more decision or favor, so you might want to peace out and hide from the world, says Luecking. If you’ve spent a full day bed rotting with your phone on silent, watching your favorite comfort show, you probably know the feeling.

Sure, you most likely care about your inner circle. However, “even if you were to go sit down with a friend, would you have the capacity to connect with them?” Luecking asks. It’s a good question, and the answer is probably not—because it’ll feel like such a heavy lift. 

Plus, being mentally exhausted makes you feel hopeless at times, like there’s no end in sight, which can make you further want to isolate, he notes.  

9. You’re super self-critical.

Being mentally exhausted doesn’t necessarily make you bully yourself. But when you’re messing up or having trouble concentrating because of your mental fatigue, that can stir up some self-criticism, says Luecking. You might be hard on yourself for not fully paying attention to someone’s story over dinner or spiral with you-should-have-known-better  thoughts when you forgot a due date. You might also judge yourself for feeling like you need support from others but not having the energy to reach out, Luecking says. (Psst…you need to be kinder! More on that later.) 

10. Your body is out of whack.

When it’s severe or chronic, mental exhaustion even leads to physical symptoms, says health psychologist Margaret Maher, PhD. (Let’s hear it for the mind-body connection!) You can have headaches and muscle tension, a hard time sleeping, GI issues, and high blood pressure, she says. Then, it’s sort of cyclical, where a lot of these physical symptoms cause more mental exhaustion, she explains. All of this can end up being physically exhausting too. “When we feel intense stress, our bodies have a biological reaction. Levels of chemicals like hormones and neurotransmitters change, our muscles tense, our heart rates fluctuate. These biological changes can add up, leading to feelings of physical fatigue over time,” she explains. 

OK, I’m mentally exhausted. What can I do about it?

Consider these warning signs a reason to slow down, take a break, and reflect on what’s stressing you out. Because, as we said, mental exhaustion that goes unchecked can lead to burnout. 

That might mean taking a mental health day or a vacation if you can, says Luecking. You can also rest and reset in a smaller capacity, such as catching up with a friend or moving your body in a way that feels good to you, he notes.

Sure, you may struggle to get moving or connect with your people if you don’t have the energy—and that’s OK. Maybe your idea of recharging is scrolling Instagram—just don’t clock too much screen time that it jacks up the stress, notes Dr. Rubenstein. In that same vein, try to avoid content, like the news or anything scary, that’ll turn into a doomscroll, says Luecking.

And, of course (as you might have expected), implementing breaks into your work schedule can help you feel less mental fatigue. One technique to try is the Pomodoro method, where you repeat 25-minute working intervals followed by short breaks to get some water or go to the bathroom (or do the above suggestions), says Dr. Rubenstein. Timers or body doubling with someone can keep you on track, she notes. 

If you’re feeling physical symptoms of stress due to mental exhaustion, Dr. Maher recommends doing things that relax you—stuff that’ll slow your heart rate down and ease muscle tension, for example. Think: deep breathing, meditation, and yoga. Perhaps incorporate those into your breaks too. 

If breaks aren’t feasible, switch to a task that doesn’t feel as heavy and still gives your brain a break, Dr. Rubenstein suggests. That might look like checking emails for a few minutes when you feel stuck writing a report. 

Next up is setting boundaries. Being mindful of how much you take on at work or in your personal life helps prevent mental exhaustion in the first place, but it’s also important when you’re already drained. Say no, delegate tasks, or move to-do list items to tomorrow when you’re exhausted so you don’t make things worse, notes Dr. Rubenstein. (You know…time management hacks.)

Talking about your exhaustion can help too. Yes, hiding from the world might seem like a better option, but venting can foster validation, Dr. Rubenstein says. This convo should be with someone who is nonjudgmental and has your best interest at heart, like a pal or a therapist, notes Luecking. 

This is also a good time to practice self-compassion and be less judgy with yourself, Luecking says. Instead of berating yourself for being forgetful because your brain is scrambled eggs, start by just acknowledging how mentally exhausted you are. Then, tell yourself that being under a ton of pressure and stress obviously can make a person (aka, you) eff up. 

Lastly, if you still feel like you’re struggling—especially after trying some of these expert-backed tips—seeing a mental health professional could provide the extra support you need, says Dr. Rubenstein. And, if you’re dealing with physical symptoms that you’re concerned about, you can seek help from a medical doctor or a health psychologist, Dr. Maher says.

The post 10 Signs You’re Mentally Exhausted appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 01.30.25

Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

You’re fully aware sleep is good for you. And yet! BySam Brodsky

You know the feeling. It’s been a long day, and you’re exhausted. But instead of sleeping, you scroll. You organize your Pinterest boards. You shop online for light bulbs. You hit up your Netflix list. You’ve fully entered the revenge bedtime procrastination zone.

You’re sure that you’ll regret staying up, but some part of you says, Fuck it, and you keep going. Next thing you know, you’ve watched two episodes since you first thought, Wait, I should go to bed. I’m exhausted. You need sleep, you want sleep, and yet you’re scrolling through stupid cat videos until 1 a.m. 

It makes no logical sense why we’re like this, but here we are! If you can relate, we asked sleep experts and psychologists to explain why revenge bedtime procrastination happens and how to quit sabotaging your sleep.

What is revenge bedtime procrastination?

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t a legit sleep disorder, but it’s a very relatable phenomenon that went viral in 2020 after journalist Daphne K. Lee translated it from a Chinese expression describing the same concept, according to the BBC.

“It’s a way of pushing back against a busy schedule or lack of control over your time,” sleep psychologist Shelby Harris, PsyD, DBSM, explains.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, revenge bedtime procrastination happens when you don’t make time for rest, relaxation, or fun during the day (hence the “revenge”), says behavioral sleep medicine specialist and licensed psychologist Sarah Silverman, PsyD. Then, without a chance to recoup all day, craving downtime outweighs getting to bed when you’re sleepy. 

Psychologically speaking, it’s much easier to prioritize what feels good in the moment (TV) than what might happen the next day (being tired), explains Brad Wolgast, PhD, CBSM, DBSM, a licensed psychologist who’s board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine. 

Revenge bedtime procrastination can also strike when you’re trying to avoid thinking about what horrors may persist tomorrow, notes Dr. Silverman. Sabotaging your slumber to do something fun can “slow down time and avoid the inevitable,” she explains. 

How can I tell if I have revenge bedtime procrastination?

The biggest indicator that you’re a revenge bedtime procrastinator is that you recognize you’re very tired, but you’re still engaging in extracurricular activities, says Dr. Silverman. If this keeps happening on days when you’ve been swamped at work or doing things for other people, that’s another red flag. 

To be clear though, revenge bedtime procrastination is different from being a night owl. If you’re a person who normally feels more alert and productive later in the day, staying up late to scroll is just a normal Tuesday. You can thank your circadian rhythm (aka your internal body clock) for that, Dr. Silverman explains.

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t the same as insomnia either. Insomnia is a sleep disorder that makes it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep at least three nights per week for three months or longer, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). That’s very different than keeping yourself awake to soak in “me time” a la revenge bedtime procrastination, explains Dr. Silverman. 

How can I quit revenge bedtime procrastination?

The key to overcoming this nonsensical habit is to get out of your own damn way. It sounds easier said than done, but with a little motivation and a few hacks, you can totally conquer this struggle.

Your brain is craving some OOO time for a reason, so the answer isn’t to deny yourself TV, social media, video games, or whatever you want to do. Instead, find ways to integrate more fun downtime into your day. That can make the need less urgent at night, notes Dr. Harris.

Read in between meetings, call your friend before your next errand, or watch a show while you eat dinner. In a perfect world, you could also replace non-pressing things on your to-do list with personal time, notes Dr. Silverman. “When you create space for self-care during your day, you’re less likely to create space for revenge procrastination before bed.”

If you have to save your Netflix, Instagram, or FaceTime sessions for the evening hours, that’s OK (and understandable). In that case, using an alarm can help you remember your bedtime schedule, says Dr. Silverman. She recommends setting one for 30 minutes or an hour before you want to be asleep. That’s your cue to start winding down. If you’re prone to hitting snooze, set backup alarms for 15-minute intervals to really annoy yourself into prioritizing sleep.  

Having a bedtime routine or ritual that feels like a treat can also help, says Dr. Silverman. You know, something you’ll actually want to stop scrolling for. Maybe you change into the world’s most comfy PJs, drink tea, put on a podcast while you brush your teeth, or diffuse essential oils.

Of course, some of us can push off even the most relaxing bedtime routine for more TV time. That’s why planning something to look forward to in the morning, like a workout class or coffee run with a friend, can help, Dr. Silverman says. That can make you more excited to get to bed. 

Gamifying your bedtime routine can work too. If you get to bed on time five days in a row, reward yourself with something nice, suggests Dr. Silverman. “It’s not just about repeating a routine. It’s about making your routine feel rewarding so that sleep becomes something your mind and body crave rather than resist,” she adds.   

If none of this seems to topple the revenge goblin living in your head, you likely need to find your personal brand of motivation for prioritizing sleep, says Dr. Wolgast. Overcoming bedtime procrastination doesn’t happen just because you know it’s bad for you. It happens when you find the motivation to overcome it and maintain that motivation because you know it’s the best thing for you, he explains. 

Maybe waking up to go for a walk in the morning is easier when you go to bed at 9 p.m. Or perhaps feeling more alert during the workday helps you accomplish tasks faster, which means you have a better chance of doing something fun before dinner. Then, when Netflix starts another episode, you remember your why, turn off the TV, and go brush your teeth with less mental pushback. 

When all else fails, you can always see a sleep specialist if you feel like revenge bedtime procrastination is taking over your (night) life and impacting how you function on the day-to-day, notes Dr. Silverman. These experts can better assess what’s causing your revenge bedtime procrastination and pinpoint other sleep issues.

The post Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.24.25

How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships

Set your grudges free! ByMekita Rivas

You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.

While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?” 

Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next. 

What is resentment? 

Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t). 

On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.  

At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.

When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while. 

You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.

Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.” 

That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.

How does resentment damage relationships? 

Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.

When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.

And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking. 

Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship. 

How do I deal with resentment?

Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. 

No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships. 

1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.

When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry. 

So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue. 

Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.  

When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from. 

But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.

2. Communicate compassionately.

With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.

That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné. 

You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out. 

Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.

During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné. 

That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you. 

3. Celebrate the small wins.

Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.

So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time. 

If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.

For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says. 

4. Find a mental health pro.

A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.” 

That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.

The post How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.21.25

The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025

Control freaks, this one’s for you! BySam Brodsky

Your friends hung out without you. Your dad judges your job. The traffic? Freaking horrible. These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, angry, or stressed out. (Probably all the above, if you’re being honest.) But, according to author and podcast host Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory can help you rise above it all. 

The idea is that what’s done is done: Your pals didn’t think to (or want to) invite you, you can’t magically change your dad’s mind, and you cannot bibbidi-bobbidi-boo bumper-to-bumper delays. But you can talk to your friends about your FOMO (or prioritize other connections), focus on all the things you love about your career, and use your travel delays to call someone back (safely, on speakerphone). 

Sounds simple enough, though there’s a bit more to it. And that’s the subject of Robbins’ newest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, which she co-wrote with her daughter Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time worrying about what other people do or think sounds a little familiar, that’s because it is, says Robbins. The concept of giving up control has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. 

Here, Robbins explains how this concept works and why it can benefit your career, your relationships, and your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. Let us get into it. 

WM: What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?

Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. The first part is telling yourself to, Let them, during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a situation or another person. As soon as you say those two words, you are releasing control of what another person thinks, says, does, believes, and feels. 

Any psychologist will tell you that whenever you try to control something that you can’t, it just creates more stress and frustration and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of my life, I didn’t know this. I mean, I’m a very smart person, but I had no idea that my attempt to control other people and little things that were happening all around me—long lines or traffic or somebody being rude—drained my energy.

Once you say, Let them, you recognize you can’t control what another person thinks, says, or does. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy to try. Then you say, Let me, reminding yourself of the things that are in your control: what you think about another person or situation, what you do or don’t do in response to another person or situation, and what you do in response to your emotions. 

Every time you say, Let them, it’s the ultimate boundary between you and the rest of the world. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. You recognize that your time and energy is worth protecting. Then you say, Let me, and you pull your time and energy back and you get to choose what you do with it. 

If you’re standing in a long line, they’ve got one cash register open, and there are five people in front of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger means you just gave power to that situation. But, you have so much more power when you say, Let them run the store however they want. Let them take some time. And then you come to the let me part: Let me remind myself I can leave. Let me remind myself I can listen to something [while I wait]. Let me remind myself I could call my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate for a minute. You have control over that.

WM: What about dealing with a boss who’s in a bad mood?

MR: Let them be in a bad mood, and remind yourself that you’re not your boss’s mom and their mood is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this is something that’s happening this week or if it’s who this person is. Because if they’re like this all the time, no job is worth coming in and dealing with this. And instead of going home and griping to everybody, it is within your power to find a different place to work. But if you cower to their mood, you give all your power to your boss. 

And I think the bigger thing for your readers is learning how to use this around other people’s opinions. 

WM: Can the Let Them Theory help you care less about other people’s opinions? 

MR: You will always care what other people think. It’s a sign that you’re mentally well, you want to belong, and you want people to like you. That’s a good thing. The issue is when you give more weight to what other people think than you give to what you think about yourself.

Here’s the sad truth. You can’t control what somebody else is ever going to think or do. People might unfollow you, they might roll their eyes, they might smile to your face and then gossip behind your back. And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself and say, Well, I don’t really care what people think, just say to yourself, Let them think something negative. I mean, that’s what you’re afraid of. 

The average person has thousands of thoughts a day, many of which they can barely control. And learning to say, Let them be disappointed, let them unfollow me, let them think something negative, has been liberating because I’m creating space for somebody to think whatever they want. And I’m also acknowledging that I can’t control it anyway. The only thing that I can control is what I think of myself. 

What I found is that the more I just let myself show up in a way that was consistent with what I value and what my goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the less I even thought about what other people were thinking. And here’s why: I actually know the truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know what my intentions are. And so even if I do something out in the world that hurts somebody’s feelings or they misunderstand something, I just let them and then I let me clean it up because that’s not what I intended. But I don’t allow someone else’s opinion or someone else’s disappointment to actually impact how I feel about myself.

WM: How can the Let Them Theory help with decision-making—especially when you’re worried about what other people will think? 

MR: The reason why we don’t make decisions we know in our hearts are right is because we’re afraid of how other people will feel or react. But, most of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate is going to be upset that you want to move in with your partner. Your parents are going to be upset that you want to move across the country or change your major. Your boss is going to be upset if you say you can’t work this weekend. 

I personally believe you know what the right decision is for you. You’re just scared to make it because you don’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. 

This theory will teach you two things can be true at once. Your boss can be disappointed that you can’t take a weekend shift, and you can still be a great employee they deeply respect. Your parents can be upset that you’re moving across the country, and you can still move across the country. Your roommate can be really bummed and give you the cold shoulder and sulk around for a month, and your friendship’s going to be OK. Let them sulk, let them be disappointed, let them be upset. Let adults have their normal emotions. 

WM: But what if you’re a people pleaser who hates disappointing others?

MR: This is something you were [probably] trained to do during your childhood. Well, now it’s time to fucking grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. Because when you say, Let them be disappointed, you’re breaking that pattern. You are separating yourself from another adult’s emotions. You’re recognizing it is not your job to parent other people. Other adults are capable of handling their emotions—if you let them.

Your mother will get over it. Your friend will get over it. Your boss will get over it. So when you say, Let them, you are breaking this pattern of people pleasing. You’re drawing a boundary and you’re separating yourself from this other person. 

Then you say, Let me remind myself I have one job as an adult: to make decisions that make me proud of myself. I’m exhausted from work, and I don’t want to go to a party with 12 people where we’re shouting over the music and I don’t even see my friend. Let me decline the invitation, and let me reach out to my friend and say, “How about I take you out to all the vintage stores we love and out for lunch, my treat, next Saturday?”

WM: OK, but what if the person you disappoint doesn’t get over it? 

MR: Let them! You get to choose whether or not you’re going to give this person time. You get to choose whether or not their emotions are your job. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to prioritize this friendship. And so that’s why you always have power. 

WM: What’s a common mistake you’ve seen people make when trying to implement the Let Them Theory? 

MR: The single biggest mistake people make is they only do step one.

If you don’t say, Let me, it’s very common to feel a little lonely: Let my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. And then you’re going to sit there in your judgment, and that is the biggest danger of this. You have to do the let me part. And a lot of people don’t like this part because this is where you look in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, and you truly have to take responsibility for what you do about it. This is where compassion comes into play.

Let’s say you start to notice you’re the one who makes the effort and people don’t return your calls, they’re not great about texting, or they don’t initiate the plans. Well, you’re going to say, Let them, because getting upset and judging isn’t going to help you, and it makes you stressed. Let them be who they are. They’re revealing who they are and what they care about.

Now you come to the let me part, and you’ve got a lot of things in your control. For example: Let me really look in the mirror and ask myself: What do I value? If you value friendship and family and a social life, then it’s your responsibility to create it. And you get to choose whether or not you continue to pour time into the friendships [that aren’t reciprocal] or if you’re going to take that time and go make new friends as an adult.

You also get to choose, by the way, to look at things with a level of maturity and grace and say, I’m actually friends with a lot of introverted people or a lot of people who don’t have the energy right now to reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is the glue that keeps our family together. 

WM: What’s your advice for people trying to implement this theory into their lives?

MR: Anytime somebody’s annoying you or stressing you out, just say, Let them. You’re going to feel instant freedom and power. Then say, Let me, and remind yourself, I have control here. What do I want to do in response?

If you’re in a very triggering situation or something that is ongoing—like you just broke up and you’re trying to move through heartbreak—you’re going to have to say, Let them walk out the door, let them sleep with other people, let them move on, let them not love me, over and over and over again, because the hurt doesn’t just go away. You need this to respond to emotions that keep rising up. 

WM: And any advice for people who are scared to give up control and just “let them” do their thing?  

MR: I’m going to let you hold onto control. Here’s why: I can’t change you. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. But if you’re sick and tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated and exhausted, this theory will change your life.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025 appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.15.25

How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much

Until we find a way to clone you, try this. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s no secret that life can be…a lot. Keeping up with your job, maintaining relationships, and tackling adult responsibilities can easily fill an entire weekend. We’ve all got stuff to do and limited time to do it, but sometimes that mountain of tasks seems totally insurmountable. You know that prioritizing is the only way you’ll get it all done. But how exactly do you prioritize when everything feels equally urgent and the list just keeps getting longer? 

Here, experts explain the most common prioritizing roadblocks and how to get things done anyway (even the stuff you’d normally skip).

Why prioritizing sometimes feels impossible.

For those wading through a particularly overwhelming season of life, organizing what needs to be done and in what order is extra challenging, says Kathryn Lee, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and burnout. Becoming a new parent, caregiving for aging parents, or picking up chores for a sick partner or roommate is hard when life is already brimming with to-dos.

For others, doing all the things all the time is a way of life, says Lee. “Overextending is the only way they have felt valued, wanted, or needed in life,” she explains. For instance, people who grew up anticipating the needs and feelings of others to maintain peace in their household or avoid conflict may have internalized the belief that their needs aren’t important, and they’re constantly deprioritizing themselves. But that doesn’t make prioritizing any easier, even for the chronic overachievers.

Being burned out can also make it hard to plan and execute tasks, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System and author of How Do You Feel? “One of the symptoms of burnout is a reduced sense of personal achievement,” she explains. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you become unproductive, it means you feel unproductive. And feeling unproductive can sometimes make you unproductive. Then you get frustrated and don’t get stuff done.” That vicious cycle can quickly make your to-do list feel never-ending, she adds.

How to start prioritizing more effectively.

No matter what’s getting in the way of you getting things done, here’s how to start moving through your to-do list without panicking (or putting yourself last). 

1. Start with a quick feelings audit to figure out the biggest burden. 

Instead of diving right into an arbitrary task, take a beat to consider what you’re feeling and all the factors contributing to that. Your answers will help you map out where to direct your time and energy, says Dr. Gold.

Are you spiraling because you don’t know how everything on your calendar will get done or because you don’t know where to start? Are you frustrated with your partner for slacking on chores? Are you angry because you don’t feel valued by your boss or a friend who keeps bailing on plans?

For example, if your partner isn’t pulling their weight, you might be better off having a conversation rather than reorganizing your to-do list. If feeling under-appreciated at work is the source of your frustration, maybe spending more time looking for a new role should move to the top of your agenda.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by some massive or traumatic event outside of your control, it’s probably worth reaching out for some support (friends, family, a therapist, whoever) first so you aren’t going through the next steps alone. 

2. Don’t skip over the basics.

Not to add more to your to-do list, but making time for some very basic self-care tasks isn’t going to derail your whole day. Actually, it can help you better show up for everyone and everything on your list. 

So if you’re not sure what to prioritize first, start here: eat breakfast, brush your teeth, spend five minutes journaling (or meditate, go on a walk, or whatever activity boosts your mental health). Then take on the rest of your day. 

If you’ve consistently neglected those basic feel-good habits, it’s probably contributing to how ill-prepared you feel to tackle your to-do list. So, going forward, try some little adjustments to help make sure you’re well-rested, fed, hydrated, and fueled for whatever you have to do next. That might look like putting your phone on “do not disturb” at 8 p.m. every night, going to bed just a smidge earlier instead of starting another episode, blocking 30 minutes on your calendar to eat lunch or go for a walk each day. (You wouldn’t skip a work meeting, right?)

3. Do a brain dump of everything weighing on you.

Now, it’s time to make The List. Jot down all the things you need (or want) to take care of that are cluttering your mental space. Don’t hold back—include your work responsibilities, commitments to friends and family, the habits you’re trying to start or sustain, and the random projects you want to take on.

Even if you can’t realistically do all of that today (or even this year), the goal is to relieve the pressure to remember everything you want to get done, says psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at New York University Langone Health. 

4. Find the to-dos that fuel you.

Think of yourself as a battery containing emotional energy. “Some things drain us, some things charge us, some things have no impact,” says Dr. Gold. Being aware of that can help you pinpoint the tasks and goals that matter most to you. 

Take a beat to reflect on that massive list you just made. What gives you life? Ask yourself: Am I excited for this? Do I look forward to it? Is this something I want to make time for? Lee says. Make a note of the ones you’re hyped about. 

By the way, if nothing on this list excites you, add in things that do! It could be as simple as watching more reality TV or reading a new fantasy novel.

It might even be worth highlighting these in a certain color so you can make sure to sprinkle them into your prioritized list, even if they aren’t the most pressing things. 

5. Organize what’s important and urgent—and what’s not.

OK, we’ve finally arrived at prioritization station. To manage everything on your giant list, Dr. Stern suggests categorizing every task using two criteria: important and urgent. This breaks down into four buckets: important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent. (She recommends using the Eisenhower Matrix as a helpful visual.) 

The things that are both important and urgent, like paying bills and feeding yourself/your family, should stay on your list and move toward the top. The stuff that’s important but not urgent, like, say, negotiating your cable bill, can get pushed down the list. The urgent things that aren’t super important, like your favorite spin class or that pile of dirty laundry, are things you might be able to skip, delay, or delegate.  This is the time for you to practice saying no and asking for help. 

The rest of your list should be things that are not important and not urgent. All of these (with the exception of those basic self-care tasks and a few things that truly fuel you) can be moved to the bottom of the list or deleted altogether. Now we’re cooking! 

6. Zap the energy suckers.

Even with a consolidated list, try to stay flexible, says Lee. Instead of mandating that everything must happen, use your feelings and your bandwidth to determine what habits or tasks are working and what aren’t. For example, if you’re blocking out time for a new hobby but it’s not as fun as you imagined, don’t force it, she adds. It’s OK if it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That said, it’s worth digging deeper when your gut reaction is to avoid something you know brings you joy. “Sometimes when we say no, it’s just because we’re overwhelmed and don’t recognize that,” Dr. Gold says. In those cases, it could be worth delegating some of your other tasks or finding a smaller-scale way to make that activity work. Maybe you read a book a month instead of a book a week or train for a 5k instead of a half marathon.

7. Give yourself a break.

Prioritizing every part of life is hard and everyone struggles with it, Dr. Gold says. So a little self-compassion goes a long way when you’re running on empty and pummeled by calendar invites. 

When that happens, take a break from your agenda and get grounded by taking a walk outside, hopping in the bathtub, or doing a mindfulness exercise. If that’s not possible, try responding to negative thoughts and rude self-talk the way you’d speak to a friend. You can recite some realistic positive affirmations. 

And, of course, if this becomes a pattern or you’re dealing with mental health symptoms that make it hard to function, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Maybe this process isn’t working or it’s bringing up other stuff, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, distraction, anxiety, or whatever, a mental health pro can help you get to the root of the issue, says Dr. Stern.

The post How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.10.25

How to Finally Stop Being a Workaholic (Without Losing Your Identity)

Because answering work emails at all hours of the day (and night) is not a personality trait. ByKylie Gilbert

When you think of a workaholic you probably picture someone tethered to their phone or staring at their computer screen into the wee hours of the night. But the term workaholic has been around long before the internet and smartphones. American psychologist and pastor Wayne Edward Oates first coined it in the late 1960s, defining workaholism as an uncontrollable need to work. He believed working can become an addiction, sorta like alcoholism, hence the name. 

Despite the negative connotation, it’s easy to see how being a workaholic is often celebrated via a “hustle culture,” which glorifies productivity. That can make those always-logged-on habits hard to shake. Overdoing it at work might even give you a self-esteem boost. 

So how can you tell if you’re a workaholic or if you just have a solid work ethic? We spoke to mental health pros to break it down and share realistic tips for achieving more work-life balance.

What is a workaholic? 

A workaholic isn’t a clinical term or an actual diagnosis you’ll find in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), but the urge to work excessively is a very real phenomenon that psychologists have studied for decades. 

A workaholic could be someone with a high-pressure, high-powered job who works until 3 a.m., but it isn’t just about long hours or titles. Someone with workaholism struggles to detach from their job mentally and be fully present in their life no matter their schedule or role, says psychologist Rachel Goldman, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Grossman School of Medicine, who specializes in stress reduction and burnout. 

“It’s this feeling of needing to be on and working all the time,” she explains. For example, maybe you’re out to dinner on a Saturday night with your friends… but you’ve tuned out half the conversation because all you can think about is the email you need to reply to. 

You might even feel frustrated or pissed off if you’re in a situation where you can’t work, says licensed psychologist and career coach Lauren Appio, PhD. “I see a lot of disrupted sleep and people who are very irritable or very anxious or very depressed,” Dr. Appio says. 

Here’s the thing: There are times when work becomes a primary focus and takes up more space in our lives—and that isn’t always such a terrible or unhealthy thing, Dr. Appio says. “Some people are very passionate about the work that they do, or they have a short-term goal that they’re working really hard to accomplish, whether it’s a promotion or a project.” 

What sets workaholism apart from just being really locked is the negative impact on other areas of your life, like your health and relationships. Dr. Goldman suggests asking yourself: Am I canceling plans? Am I isolating myself? Am I not social anymore? Am I forgetting to eat or drink?

You might also be in problematic territory if other responsibilities, including self-care, are falling through the cracks. Oh and if you feel too much anxiety or guilt to use your PTO or take a sick day when you’re actually sick? That’s a big red flag too.

Workaholism can definitely be a byproduct of your industry or company culture, but there are often internal factors at play too. For example, people with perfectionist tendencies who feel like they always have to go above and beyond and be the best could be prone to workaholism, Dr. Goldman says. That’s especially true if you believe your self-worth is tied to your productivity, she adds.  

People-pleasers are more susceptible to work addiction too, Dr. Appio says. Obviously, no one wants to upset their boss or let people down, but blowing through your boundaries or overworking to keep people happy can slip into workaholism, she explains.

Workaholism can also start as a temporary coping mechanism, says Dr. Appio. That can definitely be helpful when you need a distraction from, say, a breakup. However, if getting wrapped up in work becomes a long-term pattern to avoid your feelings, that’s not so useful. 

How to stop being a workaholic.

Don’t freak out, but being a workaholic is actually probably making you worse at your job.  That’s because people work best when they’re well-rested and they’re happy in their lives, Dr. Appio says. You can’t think critically when you’re in survival mode, she adds.

Still, if you’re used to overworking, it can feel scary to take your foot off the gas—even just a little. Who are you if you’re not the one in the office past 8 p.m. every night? That said, you can totally do less without losing your edge or identity. Here’s how.

1. Start with small limits.

If you’re a perfectionist or a people pleaser, it can be hard to set personal boundaries, like ignoring DMs and emails after hours. If that’s you, taking baby steps can help rewire your brain to be OK with saying no, says Dr. Appio. “Start with implementing one new limit and see what happens,” she explains. This will help you gather new data on how people respond when you put yourself first. That’s really helpful if you’ve been caught up worrying that you’re going to lose your job or reputation if you’re not giving 110 percent. 

Notice how your boss or coworkers react (or don’t). Do they explode and tell you that you’re the worst? Probably not! Most likely, you’ll see that your fears were overblown, Dr. Goldman says. 

2. Try a self-soothing activity. 

Even once you set a limit, like not checking your email on PTO, it can be really hard to follow through. “You’re gonna feel that urge to work build up, and it can be really unbearable for people, Dr. Appio says. 

That’s where self-soothing practices come in. These sensory activities serve as gentle distractions that calm your body down until the urge goes away, Dr. Appio explains. You could try a mindfulness exercise, take a bath, or listen to music.

Over time, you might notice that nothing bad actually happens when you spend less time working. And if something goes wrong, you’ll find that you’re capable of managing the feelings that come with it, says Dr. Appio.

3. Find allies.

Breaking a work addiction requires a lot of focus and intention—especially if it’s always been your thing. But having people in your corner can help hold you accountable to your boundaries, remind you to take breaks, or just give you an excuse to take a lunch for once, says Dr. Appio. “Whether it’s friends, a therapist, or people at work, it helps to have allies who can support you.” 

Enlist a coworker for a regular coffee walk at the same time every week (or every day, if you dare!) Put time on your cal to text a close friend to check-in. Plan a meetup after the workday with someone who won’t ask about your job. 

4. Catch and redirect your thoughts. 

In those moments when you just can’t seem to turn your work brain off, Dr. Goldman suggests noticing the negative thoughts and interrupting them with a mindfulness exercise. This can help you get back to the present moment without judging your mental spiral. 

Let’s say you’re taking a hot shower at the end of the day, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow’s team meeting or the pitch you’re working on. First, acknowledge that you’re having lots of work-related thoughts. You could even say, “I’m worried about my meeting tomorrow.” Then, turn your attention to what’s going on around you. You can sense how the water feels on your skin, notice how your soap smells, or listen to the water hitting the ground. 

5. Prioritize the things that bring you joy outside of work.

If you’re a perfectionist, it can be hard to end the day without sending one more email, reviewing that presentation one more time, or making one last call. But, if you have other interests that need your attention, like a volunteering gig, relationships, or just a new love of baking, that can help you shut it down when things are good enough, Dr. Goldman says. 

So, it’s time to find a hobby or start prioritizing stuff in your life that could use more love. Want to join that run club or book club? Get after it! Suddenly very interested in the Roman Empire? Take an online course. Feel out of touch with your friend group? Schedule a recurring hang! 

6. Work on that harsh inner dialogue. 

Even on their best day, it’s easy for workaholics to beat themselves up about the little things that go wrong during the workday. You said the wrong thing in a meeting, you didn’t accomplish as much today as you wanted to, that comment from your boss means they maybe hate you. Ugh. 

When you’re burned out, that dialogue can get even more rude, Dr. Appio says. That’s not good for your mental health either.

Whether you’re having the worst or best day, keep an ear out for negative self-talk. When you notice that jerk in your brain chiming in with unhelpful insights or critiques, kindly rebut them the way you would a friend, Dr Appio suggests. Maybe no one noticed your miss

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