Stories Link Copied 03.14.25

33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary)

Fight the urge to add, "No worries if not!!!" ByShannon Barbour Additional reporting byAshley Oerman

Whether you’re struggling with a work problem or something more personal, figuring out how to ask for help can be daunting. That’s especially true if you’re embarrassed about needing an assist in the first place.

Blame it on ~society~ or the way you were raised, but it’s common to feel like you have to go it alone through the hard stuff. 

For example, you might have been taught that accomplishments are only worthy of celebration if you do it yourself. If others contributed to your efforts, the achievement doesn’t count. With that mindset, who would even consider sending an SOS in the thick of a work project, finals week, or just cleaning out the garage?

On top of that, the idea of seeking support can be tainted by embarrassment, shame, and a fear of rejection. Maybe you reached out to someone for help in the past and were met with crickets or a snarky comment. That can definitely make you think twice before doing it again. 

Honestly, the number of reasons you might hesitate to get help are endless—everyone has their own brand of phone-a-friend phobia. But we’re happy to report that there are just as many strategies to ask for it.

Below, you’ll find a bunch of copy/paste-able ways to send up a verbal smoke signal when you need it (you’ll even learn how to ask for help without asking for help). Get ready to feel a lot better. 

When you’re in your feels 

Here’s a gentle newsflash: People will generally just not respond if they don’t have the time and energy to talk, so don’t be afraid about bothering someone when you’re emotionally underwater. When it’s time to open up, be as direct as possible about your feelings and what might help and consider acknowledging how tough this is for you without being overly, “No worries if not!!!” 

Even if you don’t totally know what you’re feeling at the moment, you’re allowed to just ask a friend to go on a boba run and then try to sift through your stuff together (also that would be *chef’s kiss* if you get the sense your feelings are mainly loneliness).

Whatever route you choose, here are some ways to start the convo. 

1. I don’t mean to burden you, but I’ve been struggling with something, and I think talking to you would really help. Could I share the situation with you?
2. I’m really, really overwhelmed about [insert what’s bugging you here]. Could you let me know what you think?
3. This is hard for me to talk about, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to. But… can we try? 
4. Honestly, I’m not doing OK, but it would really help to talk to you about what’s going on, if you have time. 
5. I’m feeling a little off lately. Would you be down to watch the game later or go to the movies with me?
6. I’m not sure I need advice or anything, but can I word vomit about this issue I’m having? 
7. To be honest, I’m having a hard time right now. 
8. Hey, I need some help.

When you want to ask for help…without asking for help

Listen, being direct and using your words is highly recommended when seeking guidance from others. Communicating clearly helps your people understand the problem, what you need, and how they can help. 

If you’re out here looking to get a hand without coming off too strong, there are ways to ease into the chat.

However, once you’ve got their attention, the key is to be straightforward about the issue and the part they can play. It’s not enough to put yourself out there and hope they read your mind, unfortunately. With those caveats out of the way, here are a few questions to break the ice.

1. It’s been a while since we’ve had a life update! When are you free?
2. Quick question: How much bed rotting is too much bed rotting? 
3. Is Mercury retrograde making your month as unhinged as mine? 
4. I’m in desperate need of some comfort TV. Any recs? 
5. Have I ever told you how good you are at giving advice? 
6. Do you like your therapist? Are they taking new clients? 
7. I haven’t showered in four days. Is that bad? 
8. Is the existential dread coming for you too?

When the stakes aren’t super high

Reaching out isn’t always a make-or-break scenario. So it’s OK to be a little more casual about asks like needing friendship advice or help transporting the amazing, definitely not bed-bug-ridden dresser you spotted on the curb. When the situation is more chill, here are some convo-starters to borrow. 

1. Can I be mean for a sec? I need to vent. 
2. Are you emotionally available for a deep chat, by chance? I need some advice but don’t wanna overwhelm you. Let me know if there’s a good time!
3. Not to be dramatic, but this is an 🆘
4. I need help with _____, and I don’t really know how to deal. Can you brainstorm with me? 
5. Hi! Can I tell you about my awful day?
6. Mind helping me with this thing that’s been bugging me when you get a chance? 
7. I need an assist. Like, right now. 
8. Wait, I need your take on this. 
9. Can you help me with something real quick? 
10. Pls. Send. Help. (Or Uber Eats, but call me.)

When you have to be professional about it 

If your problems are work-related, you’ll probably want to maintain some composure while expressing what’s up to your colleagues. Bursting into tears, while often effective at getting immediate help, isn’t always the way you want to get your point across. Here’s how to touch base/run it up the flagpole/close the loop or whatever corporate jargon your boss speaks. 

1. I’m not quite sure how to manage these new tasks on top of my existing workload. Could you help me prioritize?
2. You’re so good at _____. Can I run something by you for a gut check? 
3. I’ve been working on _____, and I’m feeling a little stuck. Do you have time for a 10-minute chat to answer a few Qs that could help me finish this up? 
4. I’ve been trying to improve on _____, and I really value your input. Would you be open to chatting about this in our next 1:1? 
5. Can I borrow your brain for a few minutes? 
6. Hi, squeaky wheel here. Can we revisit _____? 
7. When _____ doesn’t get done, it impacts _____. Could you help me take care of these tasks more often? 

Also, if you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to or if you’re in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

The post 33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary) appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.21.25

The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025

Control freaks, this one’s for you! BySam Brodsky

Your friends hung out without you. Your dad judges your job. The traffic? Freaking horrible. These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, angry, or stressed out. (Probably all the above, if you’re being honest.) But, according to author and podcast host Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory can help you rise above it all. 

The idea is that what’s done is done: Your pals didn’t think to (or want to) invite you, you can’t magically change your dad’s mind, and you cannot bibbidi-bobbidi-boo bumper-to-bumper delays. But you can talk to your friends about your FOMO (or prioritize other connections), focus on all the things you love about your career, and use your travel delays to call someone back (safely, on speakerphone). 

Sounds simple enough, though there’s a bit more to it. And that’s the subject of Robbins’ newest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, which she co-wrote with her daughter Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time worrying about what other people do or think sounds a little familiar, that’s because it is, says Robbins. The concept of giving up control has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. 

Here, Robbins explains how this concept works and why it can benefit your career, your relationships, and your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. Let us get into it. 

WM: What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?

Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. The first part is telling yourself to, Let them, during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a situation or another person. As soon as you say those two words, you are releasing control of what another person thinks, says, does, believes, and feels. 

Any psychologist will tell you that whenever you try to control something that you can’t, it just creates more stress and frustration and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of my life, I didn’t know this. I mean, I’m a very smart person, but I had no idea that my attempt to control other people and little things that were happening all around me—long lines or traffic or somebody being rude—drained my energy.

Once you say, Let them, you recognize you can’t control what another person thinks, says, or does. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy to try. Then you say, Let me, reminding yourself of the things that are in your control: what you think about another person or situation, what you do or don’t do in response to another person or situation, and what you do in response to your emotions. 

Every time you say, Let them, it’s the ultimate boundary between you and the rest of the world. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. You recognize that your time and energy is worth protecting. Then you say, Let me, and you pull your time and energy back and you get to choose what you do with it. 

If you’re standing in a long line, they’ve got one cash register open, and there are five people in front of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger means you just gave power to that situation. But, you have so much more power when you say, Let them run the store however they want. Let them take some time. And then you come to the let me part: Let me remind myself I can leave. Let me remind myself I can listen to something [while I wait]. Let me remind myself I could call my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate for a minute. You have control over that.

WM: What about dealing with a boss who’s in a bad mood?

MR: Let them be in a bad mood, and remind yourself that you’re not your boss’s mom and their mood is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this is something that’s happening this week or if it’s who this person is. Because if they’re like this all the time, no job is worth coming in and dealing with this. And instead of going home and griping to everybody, it is within your power to find a different place to work. But if you cower to their mood, you give all your power to your boss. 

And I think the bigger thing for your readers is learning how to use this around other people’s opinions. 

WM: Can the Let Them Theory help you care less about other people’s opinions? 

MR: You will always care what other people think. It’s a sign that you’re mentally well, you want to belong, and you want people to like you. That’s a good thing. The issue is when you give more weight to what other people think than you give to what you think about yourself.

Here’s the sad truth. You can’t control what somebody else is ever going to think or do. People might unfollow you, they might roll their eyes, they might smile to your face and then gossip behind your back. And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself and say, Well, I don’t really care what people think, just say to yourself, Let them think something negative. I mean, that’s what you’re afraid of. 

The average person has thousands of thoughts a day, many of which they can barely control. And learning to say, Let them be disappointed, let them unfollow me, let them think something negative, has been liberating because I’m creating space for somebody to think whatever they want. And I’m also acknowledging that I can’t control it anyway. The only thing that I can control is what I think of myself. 

What I found is that the more I just let myself show up in a way that was consistent with what I value and what my goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the less I even thought about what other people were thinking. And here’s why: I actually know the truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know what my intentions are. And so even if I do something out in the world that hurts somebody’s feelings or they misunderstand something, I just let them and then I let me clean it up because that’s not what I intended. But I don’t allow someone else’s opinion or someone else’s disappointment to actually impact how I feel about myself.

WM: How can the Let Them Theory help with decision-making—especially when you’re worried about what other people will think? 

MR: The reason why we don’t make decisions we know in our hearts are right is because we’re afraid of how other people will feel or react. But, most of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate is going to be upset that you want to move in with your partner. Your parents are going to be upset that you want to move across the country or change your major. Your boss is going to be upset if you say you can’t work this weekend. 

I personally believe you know what the right decision is for you. You’re just scared to make it because you don’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. 

This theory will teach you two things can be true at once. Your boss can be disappointed that you can’t take a weekend shift, and you can still be a great employee they deeply respect. Your parents can be upset that you’re moving across the country, and you can still move across the country. Your roommate can be really bummed and give you the cold shoulder and sulk around for a month, and your friendship’s going to be OK. Let them sulk, let them be disappointed, let them be upset. Let adults have their normal emotions. 

WM: But what if you’re a people pleaser who hates disappointing others?

MR: This is something you were [probably] trained to do during your childhood. Well, now it’s time to fucking grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. Because when you say, Let them be disappointed, you’re breaking that pattern. You are separating yourself from another adult’s emotions. You’re recognizing it is not your job to parent other people. Other adults are capable of handling their emotions—if you let them.

Your mother will get over it. Your friend will get over it. Your boss will get over it. So when you say, Let them, you are breaking this pattern of people pleasing. You’re drawing a boundary and you’re separating yourself from this other person. 

Then you say, Let me remind myself I have one job as an adult: to make decisions that make me proud of myself. I’m exhausted from work, and I don’t want to go to a party with 12 people where we’re shouting over the music and I don’t even see my friend. Let me decline the invitation, and let me reach out to my friend and say, “How about I take you out to all the vintage stores we love and out for lunch, my treat, next Saturday?”

WM: OK, but what if the person you disappoint doesn’t get over it? 

MR: Let them! You get to choose whether or not you’re going to give this person time. You get to choose whether or not their emotions are your job. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to prioritize this friendship. And so that’s why you always have power. 

WM: What’s a common mistake you’ve seen people make when trying to implement the Let Them Theory? 

MR: The single biggest mistake people make is they only do step one.

If you don’t say, Let me, it’s very common to feel a little lonely: Let my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. And then you’re going to sit there in your judgment, and that is the biggest danger of this. You have to do the let me part. And a lot of people don’t like this part because this is where you look in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, and you truly have to take responsibility for what you do about it. This is where compassion comes into play.

Let’s say you start to notice you’re the one who makes the effort and people don’t return your calls, they’re not great about texting, or they don’t initiate the plans. Well, you’re going to say, Let them, because getting upset and judging isn’t going to help you, and it makes you stressed. Let them be who they are. They’re revealing who they are and what they care about.

Now you come to the let me part, and you’ve got a lot of things in your control. For example: Let me really look in the mirror and ask myself: What do I value? If you value friendship and family and a social life, then it’s your responsibility to create it. And you get to choose whether or not you continue to pour time into the friendships [that aren’t reciprocal] or if you’re going to take that time and go make new friends as an adult.

You also get to choose, by the way, to look at things with a level of maturity and grace and say, I’m actually friends with a lot of introverted people or a lot of people who don’t have the energy right now to reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is the glue that keeps our family together. 

WM: What’s your advice for people trying to implement this theory into their lives?

MR: Anytime somebody’s annoying you or stressing you out, just say, Let them. You’re going to feel instant freedom and power. Then say, Let me, and remind yourself, I have control here. What do I want to do in response?

If you’re in a very triggering situation or something that is ongoing—like you just broke up and you’re trying to move through heartbreak—you’re going to have to say, Let them walk out the door, let them sleep with other people, let them move on, let them not love me, over and over and over again, because the hurt doesn’t just go away. You need this to respond to emotions that keep rising up. 

WM: And any advice for people who are scared to give up control and just “let them” do their thing?  

MR: I’m going to let you hold onto control. Here’s why: I can’t change you. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. But if you’re sick and tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated and exhausted, this theory will change your life.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025 appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.23.24

7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

Spoiler: They probably don't. ByAnna Borges

It wasn’t that long ago that “Why does everyone hate me?” could’ve been the title of my memoir. The thought had been on repeat in my head in some form or another since childhood. Sometimes, it was an angsty thought that popped up when I was fighting with my friends and felt like the word was against me. Other times, it was an earnest plea—the rhetorical question I used to sign off in my journal after recounting my latest encounter with bullies. 

Most of the time, though, it was the default explanation behind emotional injuries big and small. I didn’t get invited to that party? Everyone must hate me. Team grabbed lunch without me at work? Wow, why do they hate me? No new texts? They. All. Hate. Me. The spiral was real.

Luckily, this is no longer my default inner monologue. But if all that self-loathing and blame sounds familiar, I get it. And I’ve learned the long and hard way that, a lot of the time, these feelings have more to do with us—our thought patterns, past baggage, or underlying mental health issues—than with whether people actually hate us. (Spoiler alert: Most people probably don’t.) 

Still, the feeling sucks. But before we talk about what you can do about it, let’s get into why you feel this way in the first place.

Why does it feel like everyone hates you? 

Blame evolution, for one. Back in the day, being excluded from the group could mean the difference between life and death, so humans evolved to be sensitive to signs of social rejection. In fact, we’re so attuned to it that feeling ostracized “activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. That’s why even perceived rebuffs hurt: We’re primed to interpret innocuous cues—like a missed text or a resting bitch face—as proof that someone dislikes us. 

While nobody likes feeling rejected, Dr. Kirmayer says some people are extra sensitive to it for a few reasons. Past experiences of being left out or bullied, especially during childhood, can make rejection hit harder. If you have a mental health condition like ADHD (which is associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria), you might also be more prone to feeling like others dislike you. Not to mention, we can be more or less sensitive day to day based on factors like how stressed, tired, anxious, or depressed we are, according to Dr. Kirmayer. 

Speaking of anxiety and depression, both love to stir the pot with cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking (no one likes me) and taking things personally (their change in tone is definitely about me). 

“Anxiety isn’t logical—it doesn’t always need a reason to feed you off-the-wall messages that people hate you,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Same goes for depression, except it prefers to cloud your perception with feelings of unworthiness (I’m not good enough) and defectiveness (something is wrong with me). 

As you’re probably gathering, there are a ton of reasons why you might be feeling like everyone hates you. But even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why, there are steps you can take to get out of this mindset. Here’s what the experts recommend:

1. Look out for evidence that people actually kinda maybe like you.

Right now, your brain is hyper-focused on “proof” that everyone hates you—whether it’s a friend not texting you back or a coworker looking distracted when you talk. “Our brains want to be right more than they want us to be well,” says Dr. Kirmayer. So they’ll filter out evidence that contradicts the story we’ve created and latch onto anything that supports it.

To combat the hate-colored glasses, Dr. Kirmayer encourages people to collect proof of the opposite—and treat it like a scavenger hunt. “We need to be on the lookout for contradictory evidence—micro moments where someone approaches us, strikes up a conversation, smiles in our direction, or gives us positive feedback,” she explains. “Gather all these small but meaningful interactions and savor them.” 

If you want to take it a step further, Dr. Kirmayer recommends keeping a “win file,” whether it’s a note on your phone or something physical. Having something to look back on when you’re spiraling can remind you that not everyone is out to get you.

2. Ask, “What’s another way to look at this?” 

When that why does everyone hate me? thought pops up, it’s tempting to take it at face value. But those feelings are often based on assumptions, not facts. “Remind yourself this is a story you’re telling yourself, and it might not be as true as it feels,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Once you’re aware, you can challenge the narrative by thinking of other possible explanations besides the rude one your brain jumped to first. 

For example, if you’re at a party and find yourself alone, it’s easy to think, Nobody likes me. “But maybe people were already deep in conversation when you arrived,” Dr. Kirmayer points out. “Or maybe others are waiting for you to make the first move.” Or if you’re lamenting your silent phone, is it possible your friends might be wondering why they haven’t heard from you, either? “Getting in the habit of asking, ‘What’s another way to look at this?’ unlocks the door for other possibilities,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

3. But also ask: “What’s this trying to tell me?” 

This isn’t to say that the feeling of being disliked is just something to reframe—it might be a sign that you need a change. “There are times when we shouldn’t just squash that thought,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “It could be telling you something important, like ‘I don’t feel comfortable in this situation,’ or ‘I don’t feel valued by these people.’” In these cases, she says it’s worth exploring whether you need to seek out new people, set boundaries, or make changes to your surroundings. 

This reflection can also be an opportunity for personal growth. “Sometimes, it’s about looking at what you can do differently,” says Dr. Kirmayer. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for feeling excluded, but it could be a chance to strengthen your communication skills, make amends, or learn from past mistakes. Whether it’s trying to become a more supportive friend or volunteering in your community, engaging in prosocial behavior can stop you from ruminating on your personal feelings while reaping the mental health benefits of being around others. 

All that said, sometimes the feeling might be trying to say, “Something else is going on here!” If you’re not sure what it might be…

4. Look for patterns. 

Do you tend to have these spirals at night? Around certain groups of friends? When scrolling social media? In pretty much all social situations? “Getting clear on when and where these thoughts show up can be very helpful in spotting patterns and next steps,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

For example, if you only ever think, Wow, I hate myself and so does everyone else after hanging with a certain friend group or while at work, it might be more about addressing a specific unhealthy relationship or setting boundaries within a triggering environment. You might even find that you have an identifiable trigger to eliminate (like screen time when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable). “If there’s something specific bringing up feelings of insecurity or otherness, that’s something you can work with,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

On the flip side, if these feelings pop up across multiple areas of your life—friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners—that’s a sign there’s a deeper issue, belief, or behavior to address. Figuring it out may take time (and possibly professional help). “There are so many paths people can take to get to the same conclusion,” Dr. Hendriksen says. Anything from self-esteem struggles to a personality disorder can leave you feeling like everyone hates you, but spotting patterns is a solid starting point for unpacking it.

5. Remember: People won’t always like you—and that’s OK.

Actually, Dr. Hendriksen recommends taking it a step further and accepting that some people will full-on dislike you. “Maybe we understand intellectually that not everyone will like us, but it’s also important to realize that some people actively won’t—and that’s part of life,” Dr. Hendriksen says. It’s not like you love everyone you meet either, right? 

If that feels like a hard pill to swallow, remember that people’s feelings often have little to do with you. “There are all sorts of reasons why people may not like us that have nothing to do with who we are,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. You might remind them of someone from their past or trigger a memory that makes them uncomfortable. “Whatever it is, we don’t have control over whether people like us.”

6. Celebrate what you like about yourself.

Instead of fixating on whether people like you, shift your focus to what you like about yourself. Dr. Hendriksen suggests affirming the qualities that make you feel good, even if they have nothing to do with other people’s approval. “Rather than trying to reassure yourself that people like you, affirm the other things you know to be true about yourself, even if they have nothing to do with friendship or approval,” she says. 

Maybe you’re a hilarious storyteller, an amazing cook, or the most attentive dog mom at the park—whatever it is, slip it into your morning affirmations, journal about it, or just remind yourself when the dreaded feeling hits. Plus, long-term, this shift helps build a stronger sense of self-worth and self-love that isn’t dependent on how others feel about you.

7. Whatever you do, don’t isolate.

When you feel like everyone hates you, it’s tempting to pull away from people and turn to self-isolation—but avoiding social situations will only make things worse. “It turns into this self-fulfilling prophecy where people anticipate rejection and close themselves off from the relationships that they need,” Dr. Kirmayer says. From there, it can kick off a vicious cycle—the more we pull away, the more sensitive to rejection we become, the rustier our social skills get, and the more like an outsider we feel, she explains.

Instead, Dr. Kirmayer and Dr. Hendriksen suggest you keep putting yourself out there. And while you’re at it, don’t expect to reach a point where you never feel insecure or disliked. “When the thought pops up, remind yourself, ‘Oh, this is just what my brain does sometimes,’” Dr. Hendriksen says. “That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.”

The post 7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 10.11.24

How Coming Out Changed My Relationship With My Body

TikTok creator and host of the Made It Out podcast Mal Glowenke explains the ripple effect of being true to herself. ByMal Glowenke

I’ve known since I was very little that I take zero interest in boys. I always married the girls during our neighborhood play pretend wedding ceremonies, and it wasn’t until I moved to Texas in the second grade that I started to feel like that was wrong.

My gayness, an affront to the heteronormative, Christian lifestyle in the sheltered Texas suburbia I grew up in, never had a fighting chance. I couldn’t even consider what I thought my sexual identity to be before survival instinct unconsciously took over. In a culture that didn’t embrace individuality, conformity became my hard wiring. 

I wondered, If who I am isn’t correct, then what is? I desperately searched outside myself to find my identity. What I discovered was the perfect storm of “traditional family values” and ’90s diet culture. It became obvious to me that the person I should become was a pretty, skinny blonde who married an average man and became a mother by 25. 

In hindsight it’s easy to see how I allowed my childhood bubble to influence my whole identity. It grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to turn my back on the beautiful, wide open, rainbow road I was destined to be cruising down.

Unfortunately, denying my queerness led to a cascade of self-suppression and self-destruction—and my body bore the brunt of it.

Fighting my identity

As I set out to become that perfect straight woman, actively denying who I really was created endless internal conflict. That struggle, fueled by an environment focused on diet and exercise, led to what I now understand as binge eating disorder.

Around the age of 15, I was trapped in a vicious cycle with food, desperate for something to control. I’d go to the drive through, order enough to justify my last “bad” meal, and vow to count every calorie from then on. I’d restrict myself to certain foods for weeks before breaking down. That turned into another binge and the cycle would begin again. 

In an attempt to break the pattern, I turned to amphetamines and became enamored with the pills that helped me restrict. Over time, I developed a dependence that would last well into my twenties. 

In my late teens and early twenties, I leaned deeper into the promise that happiness would come after I had the perfect body, a man, and a white picket fence. While I was still obsessed with becoming smaller, I started to orient my appearance to the male gaze. Studying what turned a man on or away became my obsession. I was sure that once I looked the way straight men wanted to see me, everything would be fixed. I would never have to deal with my feelings toward women or feel unsatisfied with my life.

Of course, my preoccupation with appeasing the male gaze just encouraged more dissatisfaction with my appearance. By 23, I began taking more drastic measures, ushering in my elective surgery era. One quick google search had me booking a breast augmentation.

I arrived on the day of surgery to meet the doctor for the first time (do not do this) and chose an implant size moments before going under. I went into surgery as a B cup and woke up a DDD. The perceived ease at which this changed my body and people’s view of it had me craving more. It wasn’t long before I received liposuction on almost every major area of my body and underwent a Brazilian Butt Lift. 

I dressed my new body in tight dresses and high heels and chased man after man. I hoped they’d be the one to complete the misguided picture I’d attempted to paint for years. 

At that time, I never considered that being a lesbian was an option. Despite the fact that I kissed girls in bars, fantasized about them, and even secretly met up with other curious women from the internet to experiment with, I still bought into the promise of heteronormativity. 

Hitting my breaking point

Around the age of 25, my body began signaling a misalignment, manifesting symptoms that demanded attention no matter how long I ran from them. When I tried to ignore or silence them, they only got louder. The surgeries were catching up to me, causing numbness all over my body and complete loss of sensation in my nipples, and the pressure from my implants began to impact my breathing. 

My mental health was also in decline. My relationship to food was worse than it had ever been before. And I found myself scrolling through dating apps for countless hours, matching and chatting with men for small hits of validation. 

My dad has instilled in me that when something isn’t working, you need to make a change. The shift can be big or small, but the goal is “pattern interruption,” as he calls it. So, at 25, I decided it was time to pack up my entire life and move to Los Angeles on what most would call a whim. 

Within weeks of being in my new city, I learned that there’s something undeniably liberating about starting anew in a place where you’re a complete stranger. It felt like shedding my skin, leaving the baggage of the past behind and stepping into a world of possibility. I got the sense that this was a unique opportunity to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. 

The first thing I did upon settling in LA was add women as an option to my dating apps. I hoped to find another secret hookup, but I wound up on a seven-hour date with a lesbian. That night, I felt more seen and understood than I had my entire life. Being around someone who identified as an out lesbian made me realize that it was a real possibility for me. It was the first time I even considered it.

This is what I now refer to as my “gay panic” moment. I was shocked to realize there was no turning back. I am gay, and I always have been. 

Even though this moment brought so much relief and excitement for the future it also brought the fear of leaving everything I had ever thought to be right behind. This was the beginning of an unraveling.   

Making amends with my body

Being able to enjoy sex with a woman openly and freely was daunting after hiding my desires for 27 years. Surrendering to something that was labeled wrong or shameful by the heteronormative, conservative, relgious community I was raised in went against my instincts. But once I gave in, that was it. 

Part of that was because sex finally made sense to me. After years of listening to women talk about it and never relating to a word, I finally understood. When I slept with a woman, I felt real pleasure for the first time. It was uninhibited and guilt-free pleasure. 

That experience opened me up to a world of possibility. What else had I been denying myself based on other people’s expectations and religious standards I never agreed with? 

Coming out and living authentically gave me a deeper understanding of just how much I’d done to my body out of obligation and validation seeking. I was so caught up in pleasing others and attempting to meet their criteria, I never felt the agency to say no to them or yes to myself. Instead of giving my body what it wanted or needed, I chased an idealized, hetero version of me that made everyone else happy. 

That self-sacrifice made it easy for my disordered eating to take over. It also made impulsively altering my body with surgical procedures a no-brainer. Conformity trumped authenticity at every turn. 

But, ultimately, embracing my sexuality was the catalyst to radically accepting every part of myself. It quieted the noise telling me to change, making it easier to hear my own desires. That gave me the clarity to finally address my disordered eating and find internal sources of self-worth.

I started by mourning how I’d treated my body up to this point. I sat with my anger, sorrow, and regret and gained a deeper understanding of what parts of myself were truly important to me. Turns out, being pretty, blonde, and skinny weren’t actually at the top of my list. 

Letting go of those standards helped loosen my need for control over what I ate. Before I came out, I thought having the perfect body (and a man and suburban Texas life) would lead to happiness. But when I let that idea go, my mindset shifted. I didn’t feel compelled to punish my body in the pursuit of an ideal I no longer subscribed to. While it wasn’t an instant fix for my disordered eating, it kicked off a healing process that eventually led me to talk to my therapist about my relationship with food and my body.

I also underwent explant surgery two years after coming out. It became obvious that the alterations I made to my body were the last piece of my straight identity I needed to shed to fully move on. Afterward, a literal and figurative weight was lifted off of my chest. 

Coming out has been the single most profound thing I have ever experienced. It has helped me restore my relationship to myself, teaching me to rely on my inner knowing and forgive my missteps. Overall, being true to myself has forced me out of deep neglect and disconnection into a life centered on self-love. 

But queer people aren’t the only ones who can come back home to themselves. I encourage anyone to think about what aspects of yourself you’ve been denying or neglecting. When you’re ready, lean into the parts you’ve been trying to hide from. Own them, embrace them in broad daylight, shout them from the rooftops. Find your own rainbow road and take the next exit onto it.

The post How Coming Out Changed My Relationship With My Body appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.04.24

How to Survive Cheating in a Relationship

Cheaters and the cheated-on-ers are both welcome here. BySam Brodsky

Cheating is not great. Whether you’re the one doing it or the one who finds out, it’s a painful situation that can leave everyone feeling wrecked. It can be hard to come back from that. But surviving infidelity and its aftermath is possible—even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. 

Regardless of what led to the cheating (the reasons why people cheat are vast: relationship issues, attachment wounds, low self-worth, etc.), the shame that hits both parties can be difficult to shake, says clinical psychologist Em Dreiling, PhD. Plus, with your relationship in question after a betrayal like this, your entire reality can feel up in the air. When that’s the case, the best thing you can do is take a beat to take care of yourself, says couples therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW.

Sure, that’s easier said than done, but with therapist-backed tips and a little time, both parties can grow from these crappy circumstances. You may even become a better version of yourself or upgrade your relationship in the process. Here’s what mental health pros want you to know about surviving infidelity, whether you cheated or your partner did.

How to survive infidelity if you cheated

If you’re the one who stepped out on your partner, you might feel like a total garbage human—a worm with a mustache, if you will. That internal shame can be compounded by the stigma of being The One Who Cheated. “Shame is toxic because it doesn’t allow for growth or understanding or compassion,” Dr. Dreiling explains. “Shame simply says you are bad and that’s the end of the story.” But that doesn’t have to be it for you. Here’s how to overcome that shame and move forward in a productive, healthy way. 

1. Feel all the feelings—even the hard ones.

It makes sense if you feel ashamed for what you did. It’s not cool to betray someone’s trust. And while beating yourself up isn’t helpful, acknowledging those uncomfy emotions (shame, embarrassment, regret, grief) can help you feel better faster, says marriage and family therapist Mercedes J Moore, PhD, LMFT-S. 

That’s because the more you try to avoid your feelings, the harder they can come at you. No one wants to be hit with those emotions while out with friends, in the cereal aisle, or at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. So the more time you can devote to processing feels, the faster you’ll be able to accept your actions and their impact and move forward. 

If you’re not sure where to start, try some writing prompts that help you ID what you’re feeling. As the old saying goes, if you can name it, you can tame it. You can also think or write about the situation that caused those emotions. Talking it out with a friend you trust or a mental health pro will help too, says Dr. Dreiling. 

Despite your best intentions, it can be easy to get caught up in a shame spiral. When that happens, try on some self-compassion. That can look like reframing thoughts like, I’m a horrible person, into something you might say to a friend like, I made a mistake by cheating, and I’m holding myself accountable for it, says Dr. Moore. 

Feeling bad about what you did is warranted, but you shouldn’t feel bad about who you are. When you can separate those two things, you’re in a better place to make amends with those you hurt and with yourself, says Brunner. 

2. Reflect on why the cheating happened.

Investigating what factors played a part in your infidelity enables you to learn about yourself and the relationship. That knowledge may make it easier to take accountability and forgive yourself, Dr. Dreiling explains. “We get to learn from our mistakes, move on from them, … [and] integrate the experience into our story, [without] making it who we are.”

So, ask yourself: What was I feeling before I cheated? How did I feel while cheating? Did I get something out of cheating that I felt like I was missing? What was my relationship like before I cheated? What was it like while I cheated?

Most of the time, cheating goes deeper than a drunken hookup. Sometimes it’s a sign of disconnection or issues in a relationship. Perhaps you felt like your partner didn’t appreciate you or they weren’t emotionally available, says Dr. Moore. If that’s the case, it’s easier to see why you leaned on someone other than your partner—and how that evolved into physical and/or emotional cheating, says Dr. Dreiling. 

While recognizing the full picture doesn’t absolve your actions, it can help you understand what influenced your choices. 

3. Move forward with intention.

Once you’ve sat with your feelings and investigated the origin story of your infidelity, you’re ready to find a way forward. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, using your mistakes as an opportunity to change course proves to yourself and others that you’re holding yourself accountable and you’re worthy of trust. Taking action might even help you feel better about yourself too. 

Maybe that means setting boundaries with coworkers or mutual friends or people you DM. It could also look like having an open conversation with your partner about what’s missing from your relationship, says Dr. Dreiling.

For example, if cheating partly stemmed from your partner’s emotional unavailability, that means a close connection is important to you. That intel can help the two of you move forward. If that’s not an option, you can use that info to ensure your next relationship prioritizes openness and vulnerability, Dr. Dreiling notes. 

How to survive infidelity if your partner cheated

When the trust you’ve built with someone gets destroyed, it can leave you feeling many a type of way. It can also make you confused about how to proceed. Can you forgive them? Do they even deserve to be forgiven? Did you have this coming all along? While sorting through these thoughts and emotions can be a long process, these steps can help you do just that. 

1. Get to the bottom of your feelings.

It’s not wrong if your first instinct is to be really, really pissed off when you learn about your partner cheating. But to survive infidelity, you’ve gotta dig deeper to see what else is going on inside, says Brunner. “Go towards that pain,” she explains. “That is how you heal. That is how you move past it.” 

While it might feel more comfortable to sit with how angry you are, that emotion is likely just a distraction from the more painful ones, says Brunner. To get to the bottom of it, think back to your initial reaction to learning about the affair. Did you feel betrayal? Grief for the relationship you used to feel safe in? Fear that you’re not good enough to be with them? Maybe it’s all of those things.

Whatever the case, allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable emotions, suggests Brunner. You can look at old photos, listen to a sad song over and over, write a letter to your partner or ex (even if you don’t send it), or vent to a friend. The goal is to express and feel all of that in order to regulate your emotions. 

2. Focus on the facts.

It’s hard to stop overthinking after being cheated on. You might be embarrassed, anxious about who you can trust, or ashamed that you’re in this situation in the first place. With those worries running through your head, it can be difficult to get through the day-to-day. But you can strip those thoughts of their emotional charge by sticking with the facts, Brunner suggests.

That can look like swapping, I’m worthless and no one wants to be with me, to something like, They cheated on me on X day, says Brunner. It still sucks, but it doesn’t sting as much without the judgment.

Also, Dr. Moore suggests challenging the thoughts that feed into your shame, anxiety, or embarrassment. Maybe the idea that everyone thinks you’re an idiot plays over and over in your head, which makes you avoid your friends and fam. That’s not great! Dr. Moore suggests asking yourself if anyone has actually called you an idiot for being cheated on. Do people treat you like you’re dumb? If you can’t find any evidence, there probably isn’t any, she says. 

3. Consider taking some accountability.

Sure, some people are just assholes who laugh in the face of relationship boundaries. That said, infidelity doesn’t always happen out of the blue. Maybe your partner felt unseen or lonely. Perhaps spending a lot of time apart led you to grow in opposite directions. Maybe the relationship was in a bad place, though neither of you wanted to break up. “Infidelity is often a symptom of underlying problems in a relationship,” says Dr. Dreiling.

So it’s worth looking into whether your actions (or lack thereof) played a part in this situation. Taking accountability can help you grow in your current or next relationship, says Dr. Dreiling. Even if that just means recognizing when a relationship has run its course. 

After some reflection, you might realize you aren’t always present at the end of the day or you’re not very affectionate, notes Dr. Dreiling. You can ask your partner if that was part of the problem or just consider whether it’s something you’d like to change in your next relationship.

4. Give yourself time to figure out next steps.

If cheating is a deal-breaker for you, feel free to see yourself out. If you’re on the fence or your situation is complicated (see: kids, mortgages), it’s OK to take a beat before making up your mind, says Dr. Dreiling.   

To sort things out, start by asking: How much effort are you both willing to put into fixing this? Is your partner remorseful? Could you rebuild trust with them? Can you move past the cheating? 

As you work toward answering these Qs over time (it can take a while), notice how you’re feeling, Dr. Dreiling suggests. If you get the sense that you’re making progress, your anxiety is waning, and your relationship is changing for the better, that’s promising! If you feel uneasy or suspicious, it could be time to go, she adds. 

Coming to this decision isn’t easy or quick—and that’s OK. “For the person who was [cheated on], this type of reflection allows for understanding of yourself and what you want, which is essential for healing,” says Dr. Dreiling. You can’t really rush that. 

The post How to Survive Cheating in a Relationship appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.30.24

How to Deal With Losing a Parent

According to therapists who specialize in grief and know what it’s like. BySam Brodsky

Losing anyone you care about is hard to grapple with, but losing a parent is a uniquely difficult—and often life-altering—experience. For many of us, our parents shaped us and how we view the world in hugely impactful ways, says licensed psychologist Mekel Harris, PhD, CAGCS, author of Relaxing Into the Pain: My Journey Into Grief & Beyond. You might also be losing someone you relied on for advice, safety, and (at one point or another) financial support, which can feel lonely, scary, and destabilizing, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. 

Even if you didn’t have the greatest relationship with them, losing a parent can hurt like hell. You might feel angry, sad, and a ton of regret that you weren’t able to fix things before they died, says Dr. Harris. And, depending on the situation, you might even be a bit relieved, especially if your parent was suffering or if you experienced caregiver burnout from supporting them, Dr. Harris notes. 

But, overwhelmingly, you’re likely experiencing grief. And that’s some heavy stuff to work through. If you’re dealing with this type of loss, here are therapist-backed tips to move through your grief, give yourself grace, and feel connected (if you want to) after your parent has passed away. 

Really let yourself feel the grief.

You might feel like you need to rush through your emotions or avoid them altogether, says Dr. Harris. Aside from the stigma associated with grief in our society, we basically live in a “Band-Aid, quick fix world,” where we want to get rid of any sort of pain, she explains. But that’s not how grief works.  

Rather than bypassing your grief, acknowledging it and expressing whatever emotions come along for the ride will help you move through it, Dr. Harris notes. To do this, lean into what seems best for you. You can talk about your feelings with friends, a support group, or a mental health professional, Dr. Harris suggests. You can also look for ways to externalize what you’re feeling by journaling, making art, or channeling it through movement (walking, Pilates, yoga…whatever), she says.

Look for ways to keep your connection with them. 

Being able to honor your parent who passed, or continue your relationship with them in some way, can help mitigate the pain and help with healing, says Hatch. “It provides an opportunity for the person who has survived to remain connected in a living and breathing way,” Dr. Harris agrees. “If their name is never brought up, it’s almost as if they never lived. So talking about the person, doing things to celebrate them [even] years beyond the loss, can keep their spirit alive.”

For Dr. Harris, this looks like ordering food from her late mom’s favorite restaurant on her birthday and getting together with family on the anniversary of her dad’s death. But the experts say you can foster this connection outside of major events too. On a random Tuesday, you can write to them (whether that’s with life updates or expressing what you wish you could say), read their go-to books, visit their grave, wear their clothes, listen to music they liked, continue a hobby they enjoyed, or go on a walk with a picture of them in your pocket. Dr. Harris will even record voice memos for her parents when she wants to tell them something, for example. 

Tap into something that gives you perspective.

This isn’t about ignoring your grief. Doing things that remind you of life outside of your pain can give you some hope that there is a world beyond it. For Dr. Harris, that meant talking to a higher power and praying—but it doesn’t have to be religious if that’s not what you’re into. Just connecting with nature, which cycles through things in a very visible way, can help you see that you  can cycle through seasons and feelings too, she says. 

“When my mom died, prayer was something that I really dove into as a connection point to her and God, but I also picked up gardening, which I had never done. … I was helping plant seeds to grow life, and it was very symbolic that life could continue beyond a loss,” Dr. Harris explains. 

If nature isn’t your thing, perspective may come in the form of helping others when you’re ready. For Dr. Harris, providing therapy for grieving people has been a consistent act of service, though you don’t have to make a massive career change or anything. You can always donate to organizations that your parent cared about or volunteer in your community, she says. 

Give yourself grace.

It’s easy to judge yourself if you feel like your pain is lasting too long or you’re not grieving the way other people seem to be. But everybody grieves differently—there is no right or wrong way to do so when a parent (or anyone else) dies. This is an especially helpful reminder if you had a weird or nonexistent relationship with your parent—don’t shame yourself for having conflicting feelings about their death, notes Dr. Harris. 

Instead of judging, just notice the emotions that come up and how they feel in your mind and your body, says Hatch. Then, like we talked about earlier, let yourself move through those emotions in whatever way makes sense to you. It’s a good practice in self-compassion, she says.

When Hatch’s dad died, giving herself grace meant mourning privately instead of publicly like some of her siblings. “We all had very different relationships with my dad, and so that is why we grieved in different ways and why we continue to do so,” she explains. “Instead of feeling badly about that or judging … I’ve just given myself a lot of space to do it differently.” 

And remember that grief isn’t linear and it’s normal for it to come in waves, says Hatch. But you may not be able to see some of these waves approaching. For the situations you can’t  plan for—a sign that reminds you of your mom, a song that brings back memories of your dad—let your emotions flow, says Dr. Harris. For her, seeing the laundry detergent that her mom used during a Costco trip triggered a ton of tears. “[If that happens to you,] allow yourself to emote or experience whatever is rising up, knowing that nothing’s wrong with you,” Dr. Harris says.

“Allowing those tears to fall in Costco in front of strangers was actually one of the best things I could do.”

The post How to Deal With Losing a Parent appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.08.24

7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth

You! Matter! BySam Brodsky

Self-worth means thinking of yourself as “a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration,” according to the American Psychological Association. In other words, it’s believing you’re good enough to be loved, seen, and heard, explains therapist Allison Guilbault, LPC. Even though we’re all born with something to offer the world, self-worth is about knowing  we have value, says Guilbault. Self-worth is being able to walk into a room and feel like you’re enough, she adds.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels like that—and maybe you struggle too. When you have low self-worth, you might think, “I’m not interesting enough to have a conversation. I’m not pretty enough to be at this bar. I’m not successful enough to be at this table. There’s so much ‘not enough-ness,’” Guilbault explains.

A lot of things can shape that insecure mindset, but your early childhood experiences are a major factor. Caregivers, siblings, and peers can all shape how we see our worthiness in the world, says psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, a member of the Wondermind Advisory Committee. That’s because, during the years we’re still learning so much about ourselves, we’re more likely to believe those who make us feel like we’re not good enough, explains therapist Averry Cox, LMFT, LCMFT. Sometimes, we internalize those messages and they become part of how we see ourselves, notes Dr. Wang. 

Experiencing trauma can also impact your self-worth if you blame yourself for it happening and believe you’re “inherently unworthy or flawed,” says Dr. Wang.

Mental health conditions can play a part too, says Dr. Wang. To be clear, a mental health condition doesn’t always lead to lower self-worth. But if you feel ashamed or judged for having a diagnosis, you might feel like you’re not a valuable asset to society or even your friend group. It’s also possible for a condition to impact how you see yourself. With depression, for example, you might feel generally worthless, per the American Psychiatric Association. If you have anxiety, you might find yourself overanalyzing what people think of you or doubting yourself, says Guilbault.

Whatever the origin of your plummeting self-worth, not feeling valuable as a human being can lead to I-hate-myself vibes, low self-esteem, negative self-talk, shame, and isolation, says Cox. And that objectively sucks. 

If you’re feeling this way though, all hope is not lost. There are lots of ways you can boost your self-worth and start seeing your value in a new light. Here, we asked mental health pros exactly how to do that. Behold!

1. Shift your focus. 

When it feels like your life is going to hell, it’s often due to changes in the external things you identify with, like your job, how you look, your relationships, etc. Placing more stock in those parts of life makes it harder to see ourselves positively when things go wrong, says Guilbault. 

So, when you’re feeling particularly terrible, shift your focus to your values, or the things you think are most important in life, Guilbault suggests. These could be broad concepts, like honesty and authenticity, or more specific, like friendship and financial security. While values might involve other people, places, or things (see: friends, jobs, partners), they don’t become less important when those external factors go away.

Unlike your friends, employers, or partner, your values come from within and only change if you want them to. That makes them particularly helpful in building self-worth amid the chaos of life, says Guilbault.

Now, if you don’t know what your values are, that’s OK! Just ask yourself: How do I want people to describe me in a room I’m not in? Loyal? Kind? Smart? The answers usually show you what you value, says Guilbault. 

Once you’ve identified them, spend some time journaling about how you embody those values and what else you can do to get aligned with the things that are important to you.   

2. Be nicer to yourself. 

The more you repeat something in your head the more you believe it, says Guilbault. That’s why a consistently mean or judgy internal dialogue can keep you feeling unworthy. If you practice saying nice things instead, that’ll help you drown out the negative thoughts and start to believe in yourself. 

There are two things that you can try. One is naming or writing down things that you like about yourself, suggests Guilbault. It might sound cheesy, but that can remind people of their strengths and uniqueness (which they might forget about if they’re feeling worthless), she says.

Another is practicing daily affirmations, Guilbault suggests. You can recite things like, I’m doing the best I can, I have value, I am not unworthy of people’s time and attention. You might notice that these aren’t overly cheery, and that’s because the best kinds of affirmations are ones you believe. So, if you’re down bad, start reciting some neutral and realistic affirmations before bed or as you make your morning coffee. Even, I’m not a piece of garbage, works, Guilbault notes. Over time, you can work up to more optimistic ones. 

3. Check who you’re surrounding yourself with.  

Even as an adult, being around people who don’t value you can feed into your sense of worthlessness, says Guilbault. That could look like dismissing things you say or achievements you make, judging or nitpicking you, or not giving you the same time and attention you give them.

So, take inventory of who you spend time with and how they make you feel, suggests Guilbault. If you find that you’re dedicating too much time to people who aren’t giving you good vibes, think about what would make you feel better within those relationships. Maybe it’s seeing them less in general, limiting the one-on-one hangs, or totally cutting ties. It’s not easy, but taking action proves to yourself that you deserve more, says Dr. Wang.

4. Optimize your time alone.

If being by yourself always involves ruminating, feeling left out, or negative self-talk spirals, it’s time for a vibe shift, says Dr. Wang. To ensure that your self-worth is indestructible in the face of Saturday-night solitude, you have to learn to enjoy your own company. 

The first step is doing things that make you feel good when you’re by yourself, says Dr. Wang. It could be something relaxing, like watching a movie; productive, like making your lunches for the week; or fun, like reading that spicy book your friends recommended. Whatever it is, you should feel content while you’re doing it. If not, try something else.

5. Turn judgment into action.

People with low self-worth tend to judge themselves: I shouldn’t have missed that appointment. I should own a home by now. I should have more friends. These types of thoughts can keep your self-worth down because they put the spotlight on your perceived setbacks and failures, says Guilbault. And when you have low self-worth, it can be extra easy to hold onto proof that you suck, she says. Then, the shame cycle continues. 

But tweaking these ideas to be less judgmental can encourage you to do something about the stuff that’s bothering you, says Guilbault. So, instead of, I should have more friends, maybe it’s, I want more friends (if that’s actually true). Likewise, I shouldn’t have missed that appointment, can become, I’m not going to miss my next appointment. Use that reframe as motivation to take action, which is way more empowering than beating yourself up. 

6. Go do a thing.

When you have poor self-worth, it’s hard to believe in yourself. But accomplishing a task can show you that you are  a capable human being, Dr. Wang says. Set a tiny goal that you can achieve, she suggests. Learn a word in a different language every day for a week, paint an old dresser, or try pickleball. Your sense of accomplishment or creation—even if it’s small—can be extremely empowering, says Dr. Wang.

7. Consider enlisting a professional.

If you feel like you’re struggling with your self-worth, seeing a therapist can help you unpack why you feel this way and set goals for what you want to do about it, says Cox. While pretty much anyone can benefit from the help of a therapist, when your low self-worth gets in the way of doing life, that’s a good sign you could use an assist.

The post 7 Easy Ways to Improve Your Self-Worth appeared first on Wondermind.