Pro Tips Link Copied 02.28.25

What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?

Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you. ByLauren Del Turco

We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling. 

If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one. 

Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?

But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now. 

Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it. 

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy. 

Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.

Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban. 

Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.

Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban. 

And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate. 

Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says. 

How to stop stonewalling.

If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says. 

Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.

Notice when it’s happening.

Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says. 

On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.

While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.

Communicate that you need a minute.

If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.

Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same. 

Take a (helpful) break.

Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds. 

Share your feelings.

After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part. 

If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says. 

So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe. 

Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.

Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle. 

Seek support if you need it.

If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.

How to deal if someone is stonewalling you. 

When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.

Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next. 

Make some space.

It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing. 

Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse. 

But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.

You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.

Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.

Tend to yourself.

As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.

Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.

Come back to the convo.

After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real. 

Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you. 

Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says. 

If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!

The post What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It? appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.26.25

20 Conversation Starters for Anyone Struggling to Connect

Because you’re not actually bad at socializing. ByIsabel Mata Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

In case you missed it, an important part of being human is connecting with other humans! It makes us feel good! But when you inevitably run out of things to say or don’t know where to begin, keeping some good conversation starters handy can be extra helpful. 

That’s especially true if you’re trying to get to know someone. The right Qs can encourage people to share their thoughts and experiences, which helps build trust, says licensed psychologist Luke Allen, PhD. 

That said, you don’t have to stress too much about asking the most perfect question ever. Any prompt that shows curiosity and openness can create a connection, says psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. “Even a simple question, when asked sincerely, can lead to a meaningful and memorable exchange,” he adds.

Luckily, with the help of mental health pros and chatty people, we’ve come up with a list of smart conversation starters that do all that great stuff. Bookmark these for your next function and find out!

(Plus, if you’re looking for more conversation-starter inspo, check out these Would You Rather questions for adults, first date questions, and ice breakers for work. You’re welcome!)

1. What was the last song you sang out loud or danced to?

“This question is a little silly, which hopefully helps both people relax a bit. You can also learn more about the person—other than what songs they listen to. You might find out whether they like to sing and dance with others or prefer a solo session. Maybe they don’t sing or dance a lot. Maybe they prefer silence, stillness, or quiet spaces. The more you know!” —clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD

2. What’s something that surprised you about yourself in the last year?

“I love this conversation starter because it invites self-reflection and can lead to meaningful discussions about personal growth, unexpected challenges, or even moments of joy. It’s also open-ended enough to allow people to share at whatever depth they’re comfortable with. Be prepared with your own answer too. Nothing kills a conversation quite like asking someone to pour their heart out when you aren’t ready to do the same.” —speaker and licensed clinical psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD

3. If tomorrow morning all of your insecurities were gone, what would you do differently?

“This is inspired by solution-focused therapy. I love it because it gives them permission to open up in an unedited or uninhibited way. It allows them to be more vulnerable about their dreams and passions, letting us peek into their inner world.” —therapist Katie Miles, LMFT

4. What’s something you used to be embarrassed about but now think is cool?

“This question requires some vulnerability, allowing you to ditch perfection, celebrate growth, and relate to the other person. We all have that one thing we wished we could have changed about ourselves as kids, and, with shadow work, we see that our quirks are what make us unique and memorable.” —clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD

5. If you could relive any moment from your past, what would it be?

“This question can prompt deeper storytelling and reflection, allowing the other person to share the experiences that shaped them. Whether it’s a moment of personal triumph, connection, or pure joy, their answer can offer insight into what brings them fulfillment and what they hold dear. It also creates an opportunity for shared nostalgia, which can strengthen a bond.” —speaker and licensed clinical psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD

6. What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?

“If I’m trying to get to know someone better, I want to find out if we share similar values. Since travel, spontaneity, and general zest of life are important to me, I use this to find out what adventure means to them. Whether it’s facing Costco on a Saturday morning or bungee jumping in Costa Rica, their answer will gauge how compatible we are.” —Amanda E., 25

7. If money weren’t a problem, what would you do on your average Tuesday?

“I love asking this because it gets to the core of who someone really is and what they would do if they didn’t have to worry about general survival things like taxes and making dinner. I have met so many people who surprised me because their response was something totally different from what they currently do. Like an engineer who would spend their time running a library or perusing an old bookstore! —Avery B., 23

8. If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you ask them?

“This gets to the heart of someone’s interests. It’s like opening a window into who they admire or find fascinating. Plus, the kind of questions they’d pose say a lot about what matters to them.” —Jacky Q., 34

9. What is the biggest compliment you could receive?

“Someone’s answer reveals how they would like to be perceived. It can give insight into how someone is trying to portray themselves, what personal qualities they respect the most, as well as what their goals might be.” —therapist Hannah Mayderry, LMHC

10. What’s an experience you believe everyone should have at least once?

“I love asking this to new people because it gets someone to talk about themselves and the things they have gone through in a way that isn’t traumatizing. And it gives me an opportunity to share some of my own experiences, potentially finding things in common along the way.” —Isabel C., 26

11. If you had three wishes, what would they be?

“What someone wishes for can signal their values. For example, if they say they wish to win the lottery, this could be a sign that they value financial stability and freedom. Wishing to spend more time with loved ones would indicate the importance they place on quality time. A wish for good health would show signs they prioritize health over material objects.” —therapist Kara Kays, LMFT

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one ability or quality, what would it be?

“If you want to ask someone a deep question but are worried about scaring them off, I like to pick one that’s fun and thought-provoking without crossing personal boundaries. This helps me understand others a bit more while maintaining comfort.” —licensed psychologist Luke Allen, PhD

13. What makes you get up in the morning?

“I like to ask this because it shows what motivates people. You can learn a lot about someone by how they start their day and what they’re passionate about. This helps you identify people you share the same values with. Like if their passion is getting up to run before the sun is up, we may not be a great match.” —Richard M., 30

14. What do you want me to know?

“This shows what someone’s innermost self wants to communicate. As a therapist, I usually ask people what layers, experiences, or thoughts are beneath their interactions, and this prompt helps get at the same idea.” —therapist Nicole Nina, LCSW

15. What are you most proud of?

“Asking someone what they are most proud of gives a glimpse into what experiences or achievements they cherish. It can also show what someone cares about and what they’d want to work toward in the future. Since I really appreciate passion and ambition, this question gets to the deep stuff quickly.” —Gaby S., 23

16. Do you have a favorite quote that inspires you?

“This topic lets you find out where someone gets their inspiration—whether it’s from books, a great movie, famous people, or someone who means a lot to them. It’s a good way to learn what keeps them going and what they find interesting.” —therapist Lana Lipe, LCSW

17. If you could pick one TV show to describe the relationship you have with your family, what would it be?

“Since family is really important to me, I want to know right away whether or not someone shares that belief. This is a fun way to have that conversation—as long as their answer isn’t Succession or something too intense.” —Carly S., 18

18. What’s the most generous thing you’ve ever done for yourself?

“This question is inherently positive and focuses on self-kindness rather than personal shortcomings or negative experiences. It not only generates a more constructive conversation but also motivates and inspires others to be more compassionate with themselves.” —therapist Eden Katz, LCSW

19. You’ve had a rough day at work. What do you do to relax?

“I think how someone recharges and takes care of themself is a beautiful way to see how their mind works. Like, if they relax by scrolling on social media, that tells me something different than someone who says they meditate or read a book.” —Kayla O., 22

20. If there was a museum featuring artifacts from your life, what items would be must-see exhibits, and what stories would they tell?

“Unleashing creativity in conversation can lead to rich and revealing insights. This question not only encourages self-reflection but also allows individuals to share the narrative of their lives through the lens of personal belongings, opening the door to meaningful and unique connections.” —therapist Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post 20 Conversation Starters for Anyone Struggling to Connect appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.24.25

10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better

Get ready to yap it up with literally anyone. ByKylie Gilbert

Whether it’s convenience, a habit, or a crutch, it’s easy to stop a conversation at “How’s it going?” or “The weather is crazy this week, right?” While small talk is a solid way to acknowledge someone in a pinch, like an elevator situation or bumping into someone at CVS, it can only take you so far. That’s why we all need a few questions to get to know someone better in our back pocket. 

Whether you’re on a second date, catching up with friends or family, or sussing out your new coworker, these questions to get to know someone can lead to deeper, more insightful conversations. Love that for us. 

With that in mind, we asked therapists for the Qs that will help you get more familiar with whoever you’re talking to—without making things weird. 

1. What’s something you’re feeling passionate about right now, and why?

Asking someone about what lights them up or gets them excited tells you a lot more about who they are than, “How’s work?” Whether it’s the status of their houseplants, something in the news, or a volunteer group they spend time with, asking what someone is passionate about sheds more light on what their life is like or what’s on their mind at that moment. 

When you understand what excites and motivates someone, you learn about what occupies their brain space, says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. That’s super valuable information for understanding and connection, she adds. “Someone’s passions can often reflect personal values, goals, or emotional investments.” Plus, when people talk about what lights them up, it tends to make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

2. When do you feel the most like yourself?

This question to get to know someone moves beyond what they love to when they feel the most at ease. “Rather than asking about someone’s hobbies or what they do for work, this question uncovers where and when someone feels most authentic,” Wright says. 

Their answers can reveal not just their interests, but the spaces, people, and experiences that bring them comfort, she says. In other words, this insight helps you understand what makes them feel content.

3. If you woke up one day and your life felt truly fulfilling, what would it look like?

This question invites them to imagine their ideal life—beyond the daily routine. “It lets someone break free from the here and now and dream without limits,” says therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. When you invite someone to use their imagination like this, it helps reveal parts of themselves they might usually keep close to the chest, he explains. 

You’re giving them an opportunity to express dreams that feel out of reach to bring up otherwise, Brown adds. It also reveals how much of their life right now is aligned with their goals. That’s useful for them and you (especially if you’re already close to this person and want to support their goals). 

4. What’s a small moment in your life that had a big impact on you?

Maybe it was a random conversation with a stranger that changed the way they see the world. Or perhaps it was a mental health walk in the park that led to a life-changing realization. These smaller moments don’t always get the attention they deserve but they often hold meaning, says Wright. 

Though we’re all pretty quick to spout off our big milestones, those micro-moments can offer a deeper understanding of someone, Wright adds. You might learn more about how their day-to-day shapes their goals, what’s important to them, or how they’ve changed over time.

5. What is an activity that makes you lose track of time? 

ICYMI, when you do something that you’re so deeply engaged with that you forget how much time has passed, that’s called flow, says Brown. Finding out what stuff brings them ~flow~ gives you an idea of the things that bring them joy. Maybe it’s writing or cooking or listening to a certain album, you may discover some common ground, Brown explains. If you both love an Ina Garten recipe, that might bring you closer or strengthen your bond. If their flow state is set off by something totally different than yours, that’s still great intel on who this person is and what lights them up. 

6. What’s something you’ve recently learned about yourself?

This question is all about reflecting on personal growth—something that usually doesn’t come up in small talk. “It helps keep the conversation in the present moment and gives you insight into their journey of self-discovery,” Wright says. You might learn about their emotional growth, new perspectives, or life transitions, and whether they’re open to learning and evolving, she explains.

That could lead to a conversation about emotions, shifting priorities, or boundaries, Brown says. It lets you connect with who they are today, not who they were yesterday—and gives you the chance to do the same. But, hey, even if their answer is something like, “I learned I actually hate kale,” that’s something too! 

7. What always makes you smile? 

“This question might seem chill, but it’s low-key deep,” Brown says. That’s because you’re learning more about what makes them happy. It could be a YouTube video, a meme, a hobby, a TV show, a ritual, or a memory, but, whatever it is, it lets you in on their sense of humor or where they find joy (or both). 

That’s good information, and it’s also an easy way to connect. If it’s a memory they share, validating why they love it is a good way in. If you have a relatable story, you could share that too. If it’s a pop culture moment, you could even watch it together. Close relationships thrive on those small but significant moments, says Brown. 

8. What do your most fulfilling connections feel like?

This question is great because it works in any kind of relationship—romantic, friendship, or even professional, says Brown. It helps you understand what someone truly values in their connections, beyond just surface-level traits. Do they want relationships that feel effortless and lighthearted? Do they thrive on deep, late-night talks? Or do they feel most connected through spontaneous plans? 

If you’re already close, it can open up a conversation about how you show up for each other. If they say their strongest relationships make them feel supported and understood, you can ask, “How do you like people to support you?”

9. What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?

This question is all about exploring personal growth, flexibility, and self-awareness, says Wright. It opens the door to meaningful discussions about evolving beliefs, values, and perspectives. Plus, it reveals how open they are to change and how they approach life. “It’s helpful to know if someone can change their mind when presented with new information,” Wright adds. This question invites growth and connection, without making things awkward.

10. What kind of person do you hope to be in your relationships, and what helps you show up that way?

This question is all about self-awareness, says Brown. After all, most of us focus on what we want from others without stopping to think about how we participate in the relationship, he adds. 

So, their answer could reveal qualities they’re working on—like patience, communication, or being more spontaneous—and what might be holding them back, Brown adds. It’s a great way to get a peek into how someone sees themself and their interactions with others. 

The post 10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists

So hard. So necessary. ByLauren Del Turco

It’s hard to apologize. Whether you’re not used to doing it, trying to find the perfect way to make amends, or struggling to take accountability, acknowledging that you messed up sucks.

Plus, if you’re scared of seeing yourself in a negative light or letting others in on your mistakes, apologizing can be extra triggering, says Amalia Miralrío, LMSW, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. 

You might believe admitting fault is evidence that you’re a bad person who’s undeserving of attention or love. That’s especially true if you weren’t allowed to make mistakes growing up, adds licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. 

If you can relate, remember apologizing is a skill that builds healthier relationships with yourself and others. Over time, you’ll learn that it’s OK to screw up and admit fault. Doing so might even lead to deeper connections with those you care about most. Which, yeah, sounds pretty good. 

You don’t even have to apologize perfectly, says Dr. Shumway. “It’s about intention,” he explains. “What matters most is showing the other person you’re willing to take responsibility and repair the relationship.”

No matter what you’re apologizing for, the goal is to have an open heart and mind—and prove that you care, Dr. Shumway says. In other words, you don’t need the perfect tone or even a script to apologize effectively, he says. 

With that in mind, here’s what you do need to express your regret, make amends, and move forward in a sincere way. You got this! 

Consider your motives

If your goal is to make this problem go away, you’re doing it wrong. Like we said, apologizing is about acknowledging that you messed up and that you care about the person you hurt.

So, if you’re trying to fast-forward through some conflict by owning up to something that wasn’t your fault (it happens) or saying sorry when you’re not, do not pass go. 

Dr. Shumway says those motives can make your delivery seem insincere (maybe? because? it is?). “A meaningful apology comes from caring about the other person and wanting to repair the relationship,” he adds. 

Get grounded.

It’s understandable if the idea of apologizing freaks you out. While that’s not an excuse to avoid fessing up, taking a sec to remind yourself it’s safe before diving in might be warranted.

When your heart is racing or you start to sweat, getting present can help you find some calm, says Dr. Shumway. If you’re into affirmations, tell yourself, “Even though this feels awkward, I will be proud of myself for doing the right thing,” Dr. Shumway suggests. You could also try, “People appreciate when I hold myself accountable.”

If those phrases aren’t doing it for you, a mindfulness exercise might. Try box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Another option, look around you and name as many things as you can see. 

Once you’re feeling mostly normal again, you’re ready to go. 

Ditch the caveats.

Again, if you’re not prepared to take full accountability for your actions, you’re not ready to apologize.

But if you’re prepared to say you’re sorry with your chest, you’ll need to drop any excuses. Unfortunately, anything that starts with, “I’m sorry, but,” is not a genuine apology, says Dr. Shumway. 

When you chase your apology with, “But you knew that would set me off,” or “But I’ve been so stressed lately,” you’re not accepting total responsibility for what you did or said. 

Same goes if your apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” says Miralrío. In both cases, you’re side-stepping ownership. That doesn’t reassure the other person that you actually see the harm you caused or that you won’t do it again. 

In the end, the best way to convey your humility, sincerity, and maturity is to say, “I’m sorry.” The only thing you should be tacking on is the behavior you regret and why you regret it. That’s it. “It’s a simple but powerful way to open the door to repair,” Dr. Shumway adds.

Create a plan of action—and share it.

A top-notch apology also involves changing your behavior to avoid that shit from happening again. This shows the other person that you’re serious about making things better, says Dr. Shumway. 

So think about what you could have done differently before you apologize. Maybe you plan to abstain from judgmental comments about your brother’s new girlfriend. Or perhaps you get better about setting reminders so you’re not late to dinner so often. If you’re not sure what to do, ask the other person how they’d like you to make things right. 

Whether you’re asking for their input or figuring it out yourself, expressing a way to move forward shows them you’re serious about turning this situation around, says Dr. Shumway.

Make space for their feelings.

After you’ve thoroughly apologized and planned to make it right, it’s time to hear the other person out. This is one of the most critical parts of making amends, says Dr. Shumway. 

You can ask, “What do you think about all of that?” or, “Is there anything you’d like to share?” Then, listen without interrupting or defending yourself, says Dr. Shumway. It’s not always easy, but proving you can take feedback when you mess up can deepen relationships over time. It also builds trust. 

This is the perfect moment to use your active listening skills. Listen without planning a rebuttal, make eye contact to show you’re paying attention, repeat what you heard them say, and ask if you’ve got it right. If something doesn’t make sense, it’s OK to ask questions, just keep an open mind.

Let go of the outcome

I’m sorry to tell you this, but apologizing doesn’t reset a relationship. And while it’s very understandable to hope the discomfort of this whole situation disappears after you say your piece, that probably won’t happen.

“There’s no guarantee what will happen in the relationship after the apology,” says Miralrío. It’s very possible that the thing you’re apologizing for was too much for the other person. Or they just need more time, space, or communication before they can move forward, says Dr. Shumway. “Be patient and respectful of their process,” he adds.

Even without the promise of a happy ending though, apologizing is important for everyone involved. The point isn’t to fix things right now but to show up for yourself and the other person. That’s all you can control in the end.

The post The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.06.25

41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level

Go deep without feeling weird. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable, and anxiety-provoking (dating anxiety is a thing, by the way). If you’re not sitting in complete silence or getting hit with the ick, you’re tempted to launch a full-on interview or randomly fire off first date questions like, “So, uh, do you like cheese?” (IYKYK) 

Sure, not all first dates are nightmare fuel, but they’re often exhausting. Meeting a stranger, worrying whether they like you, and trying to keep the conversation flowing with the best questions to ask on a first date is a lot.

And when you feel uncomfortable, you might avoid getting into the topics that matter. Unfortunately for all of us, trying to come across as chill or “someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously” is just a recipe for getting stuck in a situationship. Sigh.

As a licensed psychotherapist who guides folks through a range of relationship and dating concerns, I know we’re not all doomed. Becoming more comfortable starts with having a conversation roadmap that includes questions to ask, when to ask them, and how to ask them. Trust me, that small step can make a huge difference.

So, before your next rendezvous, check out these Qs you can use to steer any first date convo. (If you’re looking for more conversation inspo, these classic conversation starters, deep conversation starters, and Would You Rather questions for adults are very solid options.)

A few reminders before you save all these in your Notes app:

• Don’t fire them off like a job interview; pick the ones most important to you and weave them into your date using whatever language feels natural.
• If you struggle to keep the chat flowing, it’s OK to bring up something else by saying, “I have a question.”
• You should expect to respond to any “what about you?” follow-ups.  

Start with the basics. 

It’s important for both people to ease into a first date and feel comfortable with one another before unpacking trauma, for example. Skip the hard-hitting asks for now and focus on icebreakers that keep things light-hearted and offer clarity on your common interests. These introductory Qs are also a solid opportunity for you to see if they have a good sense of humor, can make polite conversation, and are curious about you too. All! Important! Things! 

1. What type of music do you like, and what’s the last concert you went to?
2. When you travel, do you like to have a packed itinerary for max efficiency or do you prefer a chill vibe with flexible plans? 
3. What’s one thing you’re looking forward to doing this year?
4. What are your top three favorite TV shows of all time?
5. What does a typical weekend look like for you? 

Get to know their values. 

One of the most common mistakes is overemphasizing chemistry and equating it with compatibility. In my experience, people often think that intense attraction or random coincidences (like having the same birthday) are signs that someone is their lobster. The dangerous part of that is developing a premature emotional and psychological attachment to someone you don’t really know. (This can make red flags harder to spot.) 

Meanwhile, true compatibility takes time to assess and unfold. It’s hard to tell if their workaholic tendencies vibe with your bed-rotting habit). Matching with someone would look like your values and long-term goals aligning, healthily navigating conflict together, and co-existing in the same living space. Figuring this out takes time. 

Truth is, we need chemistry and compatibility. While you can generally tell if the vibes are off the charts, determining if someone’s a good fit for you comes from weathering life’s ups and downs and asking lots of questions. Feel free to borrow any of these, and make sure you pay attention to their actions to make sure they’re consistent with the things they say.  

1. What qualities do you value in a romantic relationship?
2. How important is _____ to you? 
3. What’s your preference on paying at the end of a date?
4. If you had the power to address any cause or social issue, which one would you choose?
5. What role do your family and friends play in your life? Do you have a close relationship with them? 
6. Who would you consider your support system?
7. What’s your approach to finding work-life balance? Is that important to you? 

Dive into their past. 

Naturally, when you’re building a relationship, you want to learn everything there is to know about someone’s dating history or lack thereof because it gives you intel on their romantic patterns. Like, if they have a strong sexual attraction to a specific demographic based on some stereotypes, there could be some concerning fetishization going on there. Or if they have a track record of cheating, proceed with extreme caution. 

Unpacking someone’s past can also provide insight into where they’re at in their mental health journey. For instance, if they previously avoided dating altogether, you can learn more about what internal work they’ve done to get to this date with you.  

Of course, talking about the past and exes can be touchy. If you want to go deep on the first date, read the room and make sure the ice is fully broken before you dive in. Approaching these questions with a sensitive tone and adding the disclaimer “feel free to share as much as you’re comfortable with” is a thoughtful way to go.

1. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?
2. What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in?
3. Why did your last relationship end?
4. What’s your perspective on exes remaining friends after a breakup? Are you friends with any of your exes?
5. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself during your single years or from your last relationship? 
6. What are you looking for based on the relationships that you’ve been in or your time being single? 
7. What’s something that often triggered you in your previous relationships?
8. What do all your exes or crushes have in common? What do you think attracts you to them? 

Start the communication conversation. 

Communication is one of the core foundations of a healthy relationship, and knowing how someone conveys their thoughts can help you decide if a relationship with them is worth it. If you’re a talker who loves chatting on the phone while they prefer to limit communication until they see you IRL, you’ll likely end up feeling lonely. And I don’t want that for you! Remember to sprinkle in these questions to ensure you’re on the same page (and, again, see if their behaviors match their words).

1. Are you more of a texter or a caller? 
2. How do you show your appreciation in a relationship? How do you want your partner to show that they appreciate you?
3. How do you typically respond if something is bothering you? Say something? Get quiet? Ask for space? Process the situation for a while?
4. In the beginning of any relationship, how often do you like to talk to the person you’re getting to know?
5. What are your views on gender roles and their stereotypes? Do you feel that one person should take the lead in the relationship more in certain areas or that the relationship should be more collaborative? 

Sus out their intentions. 

Ideally, by the second or third date you’d establish your expectations or any boundaries and get some clarity on the other person’s goals for this connection. Most people are afraid to ask the “what do you want” types of questions because they don’t want to scare the other person. But if someone can’t give you an honest answer or takes this to mean you want to marry them on the second date, then this says more about them than you. To save yourself any wasted time or heartache, try to be direct early in the dating stage.  

1. What are you looking for? Something casual? Long-term? Lifelong? 
2. How would you describe your dating style? Do you tend to get to know one person at a time or multiple people at a time?
3. How long do you typically date someone before becoming exclusive?
4. What are your deal-breakers and non-negotiables for relationships?
5. What are your views on commitment, monogamy, or ethical non-monogamy? 

Cultivate intimacy. 

If you already have the basics down, like if you were friends first or have been dating for a bit, the questions you ask can go deeper. When you talk through these topics, they can help you develop more of a connection and a sense of vulnerability and intimacy with each other.

1. What is something I don’t already know about you?
2. What do you need to feel supported?
3. What are some goals you think we should have for our relationship, and why are those important to you?
4. What aspects of our friendship do you want to make sure is a staple in our relationship?
5. What helps you feel loved, safe, and protected in a romantic relationship?

Assess your post-date feelings.

Now that you’ve gotten to know someone new, it’s time to reflect on how it went—and whether they’re worth more space on your calendar. These prompts, which help you drill down your opinion of them, can do exactly that. Be as honest as you can.

1. How do I feel about the flow of conversation?
2. Did they ask me any questions and seem genuinely interested in getting to know me? Or was it a mostly one-sided experience?
3. Were they respectful of my boundaries and personal space? 
4. How did my interaction with them leave me feeling (hopeful, drained, excited)?
5. Did our time together feel too short or was I waiting for it to end?
6. Are we compatible in the areas of my life that matter most to me?

The post 41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.24.25

How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships

Set your grudges free! ByMekita Rivas

You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.

While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?” 

Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next. 

What is resentment? 

Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t). 

On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.  

At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.

When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while. 

You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.

Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.” 

That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.

How does resentment damage relationships? 

Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.

When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.

And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking. 

Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship. 

How do I deal with resentment?

Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. 

No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships. 

1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.

When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry. 

So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue. 

Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.  

When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from. 

But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.

2. Communicate compassionately.

With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.

That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné. 

You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out. 

Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.

During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné. 

That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you. 

3. Celebrate the small wins.

Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.

So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time. 

If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.

For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says. 

4. Find a mental health pro.

A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.” 

That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.

The post How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.