Stories Link Copied 03.13.25

How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much”

…and made more meaningful connections. BySamantha Feher

I think it was “talks too much in class.” That was the first time I’d ever considered that more wasn’t always better.

Growing up, every ride to school was a live Grouplove concert, complete with air guitar and invisible microphones. Easter egg coloring was an extreme sport. “More” was the name of my family’s game, and I wore my team colors proudly—on my heart and on my sleeve.

So I talked too much in class. That I could live with. The demerit came padded with friendship bracelets and birthday party invitations. 

But as the years went by, “too much” became something to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I’d hear people describe me as, “She’s…a lot.” The label, side-eyes, and snarky comments started to sting.

Eventually, I learned that it was more desirable to be “less.” Those who were “less” were invited to parties and asked to dances. So, by the time I got to college, I wore a “chill girl” mask so convincing I even had myself fooled. 

I dated one untameable boy after another (they all thought it was their idea) and joined the cool, we-barely-care sorority. I felt like a fraud, but it was better to feel like a fraud than a spectacle.

One boyfriend stuck around right up until graduation. He’d fallen in love with the chill girl, but he could see the cracks in my mask. He was quick to call them out—in front of friends, family, and strangers—any chance he got. 

One time, I made the mistake of shouting an answer at a rowdy trivia night, and he loudly told me to shut up and stop begging for attention. His friends pulled me aside to apologize on his behalf. The third (or was it fourth?) time we broke up, he said it outright: I was “too much.” What remained of the mask shattered. And thank goodness. 

Six years, 122 therapy sessions, four jobs, three boyfriends, and two apartments later, I’m unapologetically, shamelessly myself. 

I talk a lot in an effort to relate and connect with people through shared experience. I overexplain my intentions so I’m not misunderstood. I want to be heard, so I raise my volume. I’m forward and enthusiastic in a way that sometimes makes other people uncomfortable.

While I work to avoid being perceived as self-absorbed or even rude, I’m just being me. I think most of the “too much” girlies (or anyone who’s been labeled this way) can relate to all that. We’re not shy or placid or “chill” by nature, and sometimes people are put off by our strong personalities. It happens. But it doesn’t mean we’re too much. 

I sing (badly) at karaoke bars full of strangers. I belly laugh loudly and unabashedly. I cry when the tears come, whether it’s someone else’s definition of the right time and place or not. I tell people I love them every time they leave a room because I do. I dance in public, hug people the first time we meet, and call them afterward to see if they want to hang out sometime. I follow first on Instagram. I quadruple-text. I ask, “What are we?” I order another round. I ask the waitress her name. I remember it.

I found people who love me for me. And I’ve learned to embrace the parts of myself I used to think were flawed. Here’s how I did it.

I fell in love with myself.

After that college breakup, I was tempted to double down on my chill facade. But I was exhausted. I was tired of playing contortionist with my personality, constantly trying to fit it into too-tight spaces. Tired of withholding every opinion, every anecdote. Tired of nodding and smiling and laughing (quietly, of course) at the right times and never sharing in return. Tired of being nothing but a receptacle for other people to talk at or a prized accessory.

So, instead, I let go. All the me I’d been pushing down came flooding out of my every pore. It was easier than I thought. Pretending took years of curation, practice, and discipline—kicking myself for too-loud laughs and too-forward questions. Giving myself pep talks in the mirror before an event, promising my reflection that I’d be quiet and accommodating. But after I quit pretending, I discovered that being myself wasn’t hard at all.

It felt like going home. Growing up, I didn’t know anything else—I was me all the time, and I was celebrated for it. But my inner child hadn’t been seen or heard in ages. So when I held her again, she was starved for affection. I reminded her to take up space, to be vulnerable, and to be proud of her zeal for life. Taking care of her felt like the first deep breath after a head cold.

When that little girl was back on her feet, I felt a shift. Survival mode evolved into equilibrium. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I realized, for the first time, that there was room for more of me. 

So I honored my curiosity, saying yes to everything that came my way—even the things I would’ve been shamed for in the past. I filmed funny videos to share online (“attention-seeking”). I did a stint on reality TV (“desperate”). I started a podcast (“nobody asked for this”).

I learned that there is no upper limit on joy and fulfillment. With permission to take up space, I saw a version of myself I was proud of, even impressed by. This one is earnest and passionate and loud and brave and happy—and I fell in love with her.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me.

In high school and college, life was a popularity contest. Were you invited to your favorite frat’s mountain weekend? Did you have a group of friends to pregame the date party with? How many people said hi to you in the library today? 

As such, I entered adulthood thinking that my value was measured by the number of people who loved me.

If I was “too much,” it meant I was too annoying, too emotional, too exhausting to be around all the time, and people would leave. So I spent a lot of time learning how to rein in my personality just enough to make people comfortable. 

I was so swept up in my efforts to make people like me that I rarely stopped to consider whether I liked them.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that, for the most part, I didn’t. Maybe I liked the idea of them (or the idea of them liking me), but these were not people I admired. They were judgy sorority girls, snarky coworkers, and douchebag guys with commitment issues. They made me feel bad about myself, like I needed to change to feel welcome. That’s not the kind of person I want to be or be around.

I started thinking about how other people made me feel, shedding the frenemies and situationships that made me feel small, unworthy, or stupid just for being myself. And when I met someone new who made me feel good—safe, loved, wanted—I held them close. I directed my time and energy toward those relationships because what you water grows. I wanted to grow that feeling forever.

Now, many of my friends have big personalities like mine. But the ones who don’t actually appreciate a big personality in a friend. I can help carry the mental and emotional load at social engagements, bring the energy, and articulate complicated or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We fit like puzzle pieces.

I found community.

Today, I see and love myself for who I am—not who I think I should be. So, in a turn of events my elementary school report card no doubt manifested, I decided to make “talks too much in class” my full-time job. I’m leaning into my big personality.

When people come across me on TV, hear my podcast, or find my videos on their social media feed, they get what they see—in all my honest, extra, vulnerable, nonlinear glory. 

Of course, there are people who don’t like it. There always will be. But there are more who are curious and open, for whom my journey resonates deeply. 

For those people, my content is not a broadcast; it’s a dialogue. We trade stories, struggles, joys, learnings, and heartache. Connection is our currency, and the community just keeps growing.

If I can give you one piece of advice: Feel your big feelings and share them. Make space for others. Cherish them. Talk more. If you’re loud enough, you might just be heard all over the world.

The post How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.28.25

What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?

Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you. ByLauren Del Turco

We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling. 

If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one. 

Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?

But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now. 

Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it. 

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy. 

Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.

Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban. 

Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.

Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban. 

And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate. 

Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says. 

How to stop stonewalling.

If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says. 

Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.

Notice when it’s happening.

Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says. 

On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.

While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.

Communicate that you need a minute.

If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.

Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same. 

Take a (helpful) break.

Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds. 

Share your feelings.

After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part. 

If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says. 

So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe. 

Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.

Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle. 

Seek support if you need it.

If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.

How to deal if someone is stonewalling you. 

When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.

Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next. 

Make some space.

It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing. 

Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse. 

But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.

You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.

Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.

Tend to yourself.

As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.

Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.

Come back to the convo.

After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real. 

Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you. 

Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says. 

If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!

The post What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It? appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.26.25

20 Conversation Starters for Anyone Struggling to Connect

Because you’re not actually bad at socializing. ByIsabel Mata Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

In case you missed it, an important part of being human is connecting with other humans! It makes us feel good! But when you inevitably run out of things to say or don’t know where to begin, keeping some good conversation starters handy can be extra helpful. 

That’s especially true if you’re trying to get to know someone. The right Qs can encourage people to share their thoughts and experiences, which helps build trust, says licensed psychologist Luke Allen, PhD. 

That said, you don’t have to stress too much about asking the most perfect question ever. Any prompt that shows curiosity and openness can create a connection, says psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. “Even a simple question, when asked sincerely, can lead to a meaningful and memorable exchange,” he adds.

Luckily, with the help of mental health pros and chatty people, we’ve come up with a list of smart conversation starters that do all that great stuff. Bookmark these for your next function and find out!

(Plus, if you’re looking for more conversation-starter inspo, check out these Would You Rather questions for adults, first date questions, and ice breakers for work. You’re welcome!)

1. What was the last song you sang out loud or danced to?

“This question is a little silly, which hopefully helps both people relax a bit. You can also learn more about the person—other than what songs they listen to. You might find out whether they like to sing and dance with others or prefer a solo session. Maybe they don’t sing or dance a lot. Maybe they prefer silence, stillness, or quiet spaces. The more you know!” —clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD

2. What’s something that surprised you about yourself in the last year?

“I love this conversation starter because it invites self-reflection and can lead to meaningful discussions about personal growth, unexpected challenges, or even moments of joy. It’s also open-ended enough to allow people to share at whatever depth they’re comfortable with. Be prepared with your own answer too. Nothing kills a conversation quite like asking someone to pour their heart out when you aren’t ready to do the same.” —speaker and licensed clinical psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD

3. If tomorrow morning all of your insecurities were gone, what would you do differently?

“This is inspired by solution-focused therapy. I love it because it gives them permission to open up in an unedited or uninhibited way. It allows them to be more vulnerable about their dreams and passions, letting us peek into their inner world.” —therapist Katie Miles, LMFT

4. What’s something you used to be embarrassed about but now think is cool?

“This question requires some vulnerability, allowing you to ditch perfection, celebrate growth, and relate to the other person. We all have that one thing we wished we could have changed about ourselves as kids, and, with shadow work, we see that our quirks are what make us unique and memorable.” —clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD

5. If you could relive any moment from your past, what would it be?

“This question can prompt deeper storytelling and reflection, allowing the other person to share the experiences that shaped them. Whether it’s a moment of personal triumph, connection, or pure joy, their answer can offer insight into what brings them fulfillment and what they hold dear. It also creates an opportunity for shared nostalgia, which can strengthen a bond.” —speaker and licensed clinical psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD

6. What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?

“If I’m trying to get to know someone better, I want to find out if we share similar values. Since travel, spontaneity, and general zest of life are important to me, I use this to find out what adventure means to them. Whether it’s facing Costco on a Saturday morning or bungee jumping in Costa Rica, their answer will gauge how compatible we are.” —Amanda E., 25

7. If money weren’t a problem, what would you do on your average Tuesday?

“I love asking this because it gets to the core of who someone really is and what they would do if they didn’t have to worry about general survival things like taxes and making dinner. I have met so many people who surprised me because their response was something totally different from what they currently do. Like an engineer who would spend their time running a library or perusing an old bookstore! —Avery B., 23

8. If you could have a conversation with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you ask them?

“This gets to the heart of someone’s interests. It’s like opening a window into who they admire or find fascinating. Plus, the kind of questions they’d pose say a lot about what matters to them.” —Jacky Q., 34

9. What is the biggest compliment you could receive?

“Someone’s answer reveals how they would like to be perceived. It can give insight into how someone is trying to portray themselves, what personal qualities they respect the most, as well as what their goals might be.” —therapist Hannah Mayderry, LMHC

10. What’s an experience you believe everyone should have at least once?

“I love asking this to new people because it gets someone to talk about themselves and the things they have gone through in a way that isn’t traumatizing. And it gives me an opportunity to share some of my own experiences, potentially finding things in common along the way.” —Isabel C., 26

11. If you had three wishes, what would they be?

“What someone wishes for can signal their values. For example, if they say they wish to win the lottery, this could be a sign that they value financial stability and freedom. Wishing to spend more time with loved ones would indicate the importance they place on quality time. A wish for good health would show signs they prioritize health over material objects.” —therapist Kara Kays, LMFT

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one ability or quality, what would it be?

“If you want to ask someone a deep question but are worried about scaring them off, I like to pick one that’s fun and thought-provoking without crossing personal boundaries. This helps me understand others a bit more while maintaining comfort.” —licensed psychologist Luke Allen, PhD

13. What makes you get up in the morning?

“I like to ask this because it shows what motivates people. You can learn a lot about someone by how they start their day and what they’re passionate about. This helps you identify people you share the same values with. Like if their passion is getting up to run before the sun is up, we may not be a great match.” —Richard M., 30

14. What do you want me to know?

“This shows what someone’s innermost self wants to communicate. As a therapist, I usually ask people what layers, experiences, or thoughts are beneath their interactions, and this prompt helps get at the same idea.” —therapist Nicole Nina, LCSW

15. What are you most proud of?

“Asking someone what they are most proud of gives a glimpse into what experiences or achievements they cherish. It can also show what someone cares about and what they’d want to work toward in the future. Since I really appreciate passion and ambition, this question gets to the deep stuff quickly.” —Gaby S., 23

16. Do you have a favorite quote that inspires you?

“This topic lets you find out where someone gets their inspiration—whether it’s from books, a great movie, famous people, or someone who means a lot to them. It’s a good way to learn what keeps them going and what they find interesting.” —therapist Lana Lipe, LCSW

17. If you could pick one TV show to describe the relationship you have with your family, what would it be?

“Since family is really important to me, I want to know right away whether or not someone shares that belief. This is a fun way to have that conversation—as long as their answer isn’t Succession or something too intense.” —Carly S., 18

18. What’s the most generous thing you’ve ever done for yourself?

“This question is inherently positive and focuses on self-kindness rather than personal shortcomings or negative experiences. It not only generates a more constructive conversation but also motivates and inspires others to be more compassionate with themselves.” —therapist Eden Katz, LCSW

19. You’ve had a rough day at work. What do you do to relax?

“I think how someone recharges and takes care of themself is a beautiful way to see how their mind works. Like, if they relax by scrolling on social media, that tells me something different than someone who says they meditate or read a book.” —Kayla O., 22

20. If there was a museum featuring artifacts from your life, what items would be must-see exhibits, and what stories would they tell?

“Unleashing creativity in conversation can lead to rich and revealing insights. This question not only encourages self-reflection but also allows individuals to share the narrative of their lives through the lens of personal belongings, opening the door to meaningful and unique connections.” —therapist Dolly Ferraiuolo, LCSW

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post 20 Conversation Starters for Anyone Struggling to Connect appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.24.25

10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better

Get ready to yap it up with literally anyone. ByKylie Gilbert

Whether it’s convenience, a habit, or a crutch, it’s easy to stop a conversation at “How’s it going?” or “The weather is crazy this week, right?” While small talk is a solid way to acknowledge someone in a pinch, like an elevator situation or bumping into someone at CVS, it can only take you so far. That’s why we all need a few questions to get to know someone better in our back pocket. 

Whether you’re on a second date, catching up with friends or family, or sussing out your new coworker, these questions to get to know someone can lead to deeper, more insightful conversations. Love that for us. 

With that in mind, we asked therapists for the Qs that will help you get more familiar with whoever you’re talking to—without making things weird. 

1. What’s something you’re feeling passionate about right now, and why?

Asking someone about what lights them up or gets them excited tells you a lot more about who they are than, “How’s work?” Whether it’s the status of their houseplants, something in the news, or a volunteer group they spend time with, asking what someone is passionate about sheds more light on what their life is like or what’s on their mind at that moment. 

When you understand what excites and motivates someone, you learn about what occupies their brain space, says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. That’s super valuable information for understanding and connection, she adds. “Someone’s passions can often reflect personal values, goals, or emotional investments.” Plus, when people talk about what lights them up, it tends to make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

2. When do you feel the most like yourself?

This question to get to know someone moves beyond what they love to when they feel the most at ease. “Rather than asking about someone’s hobbies or what they do for work, this question uncovers where and when someone feels most authentic,” Wright says. 

Their answers can reveal not just their interests, but the spaces, people, and experiences that bring them comfort, she says. In other words, this insight helps you understand what makes them feel content.

3. If you woke up one day and your life felt truly fulfilling, what would it look like?

This question invites them to imagine their ideal life—beyond the daily routine. “It lets someone break free from the here and now and dream without limits,” says therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. When you invite someone to use their imagination like this, it helps reveal parts of themselves they might usually keep close to the chest, he explains. 

You’re giving them an opportunity to express dreams that feel out of reach to bring up otherwise, Brown adds. It also reveals how much of their life right now is aligned with their goals. That’s useful for them and you (especially if you’re already close to this person and want to support their goals). 

4. What’s a small moment in your life that had a big impact on you?

Maybe it was a random conversation with a stranger that changed the way they see the world. Or perhaps it was a mental health walk in the park that led to a life-changing realization. These smaller moments don’t always get the attention they deserve but they often hold meaning, says Wright. 

Though we’re all pretty quick to spout off our big milestones, those micro-moments can offer a deeper understanding of someone, Wright adds. You might learn more about how their day-to-day shapes their goals, what’s important to them, or how they’ve changed over time.

5. What is an activity that makes you lose track of time? 

ICYMI, when you do something that you’re so deeply engaged with that you forget how much time has passed, that’s called flow, says Brown. Finding out what stuff brings them ~flow~ gives you an idea of the things that bring them joy. Maybe it’s writing or cooking or listening to a certain album, you may discover some common ground, Brown explains. If you both love an Ina Garten recipe, that might bring you closer or strengthen your bond. If their flow state is set off by something totally different than yours, that’s still great intel on who this person is and what lights them up. 

6. What’s something you’ve recently learned about yourself?

This question is all about reflecting on personal growth—something that usually doesn’t come up in small talk. “It helps keep the conversation in the present moment and gives you insight into their journey of self-discovery,” Wright says. You might learn about their emotional growth, new perspectives, or life transitions, and whether they’re open to learning and evolving, she explains.

That could lead to a conversation about emotions, shifting priorities, or boundaries, Brown says. It lets you connect with who they are today, not who they were yesterday—and gives you the chance to do the same. But, hey, even if their answer is something like, “I learned I actually hate kale,” that’s something too! 

7. What always makes you smile? 

“This question might seem chill, but it’s low-key deep,” Brown says. That’s because you’re learning more about what makes them happy. It could be a YouTube video, a meme, a hobby, a TV show, a ritual, or a memory, but, whatever it is, it lets you in on their sense of humor or where they find joy (or both). 

That’s good information, and it’s also an easy way to connect. If it’s a memory they share, validating why they love it is a good way in. If you have a relatable story, you could share that too. If it’s a pop culture moment, you could even watch it together. Close relationships thrive on those small but significant moments, says Brown. 

8. What do your most fulfilling connections feel like?

This question is great because it works in any kind of relationship—romantic, friendship, or even professional, says Brown. It helps you understand what someone truly values in their connections, beyond just surface-level traits. Do they want relationships that feel effortless and lighthearted? Do they thrive on deep, late-night talks? Or do they feel most connected through spontaneous plans? 

If you’re already close, it can open up a conversation about how you show up for each other. If they say their strongest relationships make them feel supported and understood, you can ask, “How do you like people to support you?”

9. What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?

This question is all about exploring personal growth, flexibility, and self-awareness, says Wright. It opens the door to meaningful discussions about evolving beliefs, values, and perspectives. Plus, it reveals how open they are to change and how they approach life. “It’s helpful to know if someone can change their mind when presented with new information,” Wright adds. This question invites growth and connection, without making things awkward.

10. What kind of person do you hope to be in your relationships, and what helps you show up that way?

This question is all about self-awareness, says Brown. After all, most of us focus on what we want from others without stopping to think about how we participate in the relationship, he adds. 

So, their answer could reveal qualities they’re working on—like patience, communication, or being more spontaneous—and what might be holding them back, Brown adds. It’s a great way to get a peek into how someone sees themself and their interactions with others. 

The post 10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists

So hard. So necessary. ByLauren Del Turco

It’s hard to apologize. Whether you’re not used to doing it, trying to find the perfect way to make amends, or struggling to take accountability, acknowledging that you messed up sucks.

Plus, if you’re scared of seeing yourself in a negative light or letting others in on your mistakes, apologizing can be extra triggering, says Amalia Miralrío, LMSW, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. 

You might believe admitting fault is evidence that you’re a bad person who’s undeserving of attention or love. That’s especially true if you weren’t allowed to make mistakes growing up, adds licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. 

If you can relate, remember apologizing is a skill that builds healthier relationships with yourself and others. Over time, you’ll learn that it’s OK to screw up and admit fault. Doing so might even lead to deeper connections with those you care about most. Which, yeah, sounds pretty good. 

You don’t even have to apologize perfectly, says Dr. Shumway. “It’s about intention,” he explains. “What matters most is showing the other person you’re willing to take responsibility and repair the relationship.”

No matter what you’re apologizing for, the goal is to have an open heart and mind—and prove that you care, Dr. Shumway says. In other words, you don’t need the perfect tone or even a script to apologize effectively, he says. 

With that in mind, here’s what you do need to express your regret, make amends, and move forward in a sincere way. You got this! 

Consider your motives

If your goal is to make this problem go away, you’re doing it wrong. Like we said, apologizing is about acknowledging that you messed up and that you care about the person you hurt.

So, if you’re trying to fast-forward through some conflict by owning up to something that wasn’t your fault (it happens) or saying sorry when you’re not, do not pass go. 

Dr. Shumway says those motives can make your delivery seem insincere (maybe? because? it is?). “A meaningful apology comes from caring about the other person and wanting to repair the relationship,” he adds. 

Get grounded.

It’s understandable if the idea of apologizing freaks you out. While that’s not an excuse to avoid fessing up, taking a sec to remind yourself it’s safe before diving in might be warranted.

When your heart is racing or you start to sweat, getting present can help you find some calm, says Dr. Shumway. If you’re into affirmations, tell yourself, “Even though this feels awkward, I will be proud of myself for doing the right thing,” Dr. Shumway suggests. You could also try, “People appreciate when I hold myself accountable.”

If those phrases aren’t doing it for you, a mindfulness exercise might. Try box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Another option, look around you and name as many things as you can see. 

Once you’re feeling mostly normal again, you’re ready to go. 

Ditch the caveats.

Again, if you’re not prepared to take full accountability for your actions, you’re not ready to apologize.

But if you’re prepared to say you’re sorry with your chest, you’ll need to drop any excuses. Unfortunately, anything that starts with, “I’m sorry, but,” is not a genuine apology, says Dr. Shumway. 

When you chase your apology with, “But you knew that would set me off,” or “But I’ve been so stressed lately,” you’re not accepting total responsibility for what you did or said. 

Same goes if your apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” says Miralrío. In both cases, you’re side-stepping ownership. That doesn’t reassure the other person that you actually see the harm you caused or that you won’t do it again. 

In the end, the best way to convey your humility, sincerity, and maturity is to say, “I’m sorry.” The only thing you should be tacking on is the behavior you regret and why you regret it. That’s it. “It’s a simple but powerful way to open the door to repair,” Dr. Shumway adds.

Create a plan of action—and share it.

A top-notch apology also involves changing your behavior to avoid that shit from happening again. This shows the other person that you’re serious about making things better, says Dr. Shumway. 

So think about what you could have done differently before you apologize. Maybe you plan to abstain from judgmental comments about your brother’s new girlfriend. Or perhaps you get better about setting reminders so you’re not late to dinner so often. If you’re not sure what to do, ask the other person how they’d like you to make things right. 

Whether you’re asking for their input or figuring it out yourself, expressing a way to move forward shows them you’re serious about turning this situation around, says Dr. Shumway.

Make space for their feelings.

After you’ve thoroughly apologized and planned to make it right, it’s time to hear the other person out. This is one of the most critical parts of making amends, says Dr. Shumway. 

You can ask, “What do you think about all of that?” or, “Is there anything you’d like to share?” Then, listen without interrupting or defending yourself, says Dr. Shumway. It’s not always easy, but proving you can take feedback when you mess up can deepen relationships over time. It also builds trust. 

This is the perfect moment to use your active listening skills. Listen without planning a rebuttal, make eye contact to show you’re paying attention, repeat what you heard them say, and ask if you’ve got it right. If something doesn’t make sense, it’s OK to ask questions, just keep an open mind.

Let go of the outcome

I’m sorry to tell you this, but apologizing doesn’t reset a relationship. And while it’s very understandable to hope the discomfort of this whole situation disappears after you say your piece, that probably won’t happen.

“There’s no guarantee what will happen in the relationship after the apology,” says Miralrío. It’s very possible that the thing you’re apologizing for was too much for the other person. Or they just need more time, space, or communication before they can move forward, says Dr. Shumway. “Be patient and respectful of their process,” he adds.

Even without the promise of a happy ending though, apologizing is important for everyone involved. The point isn’t to fix things right now but to show up for yourself and the other person. That’s all you can control in the end.

The post The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.07.25

6 Not-Intimidating Ways to Start a Conversation With Anyone

You’re about to be really good at this. ByEmily Abbate

As a journalist and host of the podcast Hurdle, I’m no stranger to making conversation with people I’ve never met—even those I’m very intimidated by. More than 700 episodes in, one of the biggest things I’ve learned about how to start a conversation is that the nerves dissipate once the convo gets flowing. 

Outside of my job though, kicking off a conversation with new people can still feel scary sometimes. 

And maybe you can relate: Since the pandemic, more of us than ever feel insecure about this everyday social skill, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. If you haven’t been in the habit of connecting with other humans in real life, then of course starting a conversation can seem awkward, she explains 

And even if Covid didn’t directly impact where you work or go to school, things like social anxiety, being extremely online, and losing touch with friends can make us feel socially rusty. 

Still, tiny moments of connection and conversation can sharpen those skills, making you feel less weird talking to someone new (and probably less lonely too), adds Dr. Polyné. 

Don’t freak out, it’s easier than you think! Here, we asked pros for tips to strike up a conversation with anyone. Whether you’re at work, the grocery store, or making a pharmacy run, these pointers will help you feel chill about chatting people up. Look at you go!

1. Check in on yourself first. 

If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it’s hard to confidently approach people and stay present as you chat, says Dr Polyné. Yeah, that’s kind of a given. But it’s also permission to take a beat to get grounded before jumping into the deep end. 

If you’re not feeling your best, an anxiety-fighting mindfulness exercise can help get you there, she adds. 

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is a classic. Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. That will help you get out of your head and back into the present moment. If that’s too much to remember, you can also just name as many blue (or green or whatever) things you can see around you. 

Box breathing is another solid option. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Take as much time as you need to recapture a sense of calm. 

2. Read the room.

Maybe you know this, but the scariest part of starting a conversation is the potential for rejection. While you can’t completely avoid it, you can reduce your risk by using context clues, like body language, to inform your approach, says Dr. Polyné.

Generally speaking, you can usually tell if someone is open to talking—or at least being approached—by the way they carry themselves, she adds. 

For instance, if someone gets into an elevator with their headphones on, grimacing at their phone, they may not be the ideal candidate for small talk. On the other hand, if they’re smiling or at least present in their environment, there’s a stronger chance they’re open to connection, says Dr. Polyné

3. Lead with an open-ended question.

In a perfect world, your opening line—your conversation starter—provides room for a convo to grow. And, most of the time, a yes or no question isn’t it, says Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist.

For example, if you kick it off with, “Did you try that buffalo chicken dip?” you’re likely to get, “Yep,” or, “Nope.” Those answers don’t give you much to work with, which makes it harder to develop a real conversation.

Instead, you can try something like, “What’s the best app you’ve tried so far?” Sure, that could also get you a one-word answer. But you can easily follow, “The meatballs,” with, “Yes, so good! Have you ever tried to make those before?” Or, “Have you ever tried the meatballs from that Italian place down the street?” 

Those open-ended questions give you much more information to build upon, adds Dr. Howes. 

4. When in doubt, ask for an opinion or some help. 

Everyone has an opinion, so asking someone for their perspective or feedback can be a super reliable way to start a conversation with someone new, says Dr. Howes. You can ask the guy at the other table if his sandwich is good, you can ask your neighbor how long they think this stretch of crappy weather will last, or you can ask your cousin’s new girlfriend what podcasts she likes. So! Easy! 

One word of caution though, mentally prepare yourself for opinions that differ from yours, adds Dr. Howes. Instead of rejecting it outright and moving on, stay curious and try to learn how they came to that conclusion, he explains. 

Another simple way to connect with someone is to ask for help, says Dr. Howes. This could be especially helpful if you’re starting a new job or moving to a new place. Asking your coworkers or neighbors for a quick hand or a few pointers can be a great jumping-off point. “I’ve seen many friendships built from this simple tool,” he explains.

5. Show some vulnerability.

While it’s nice to go into a conversation feeling confident or at least grounded, it’s totally fine to acknowledge that you’re low-key freaking out, says Dr. Howes. “One of the most disarming statements is, ‘I feel a little anxious in social gatherings with people I don’t know. Do you ever feel this way?’” says Dr. Howes. 

By saying the quiet part out loud, you’re showing self-awareness and vulnerability, which are easy for other people to engage with, he explains. “You’ll probably be surprised how well it is received,” he adds. 

6. Take rejection like a pro. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is down to chat—and it’s really none of our business why that is. Maybe it’s their personality, life circumstances, a crappy day, or just a mismatch in vibes. Who knows! 

Yeah, getting the cold shoulder feels bad, but the ability to shake it off and move on is an important conversation skill to master. “Remember, one attempt is just one attempt,” says Dr. Polyné. “If it doesn’t go your way, the next one may be great—so keep putting yourself out there.” 

One way to do that is by setting your expectations low. Go into most conversations to get to know someone a little more or just fill time until your buds arrive at the party. If that conversation turns into something amazing, great! If not, that’s fine too. 

If you’re getting the sense that someone isn’t into it, an easy way out is to say, “It was nice to meet you!” and be on your way, says Dr. Howes. “If there was some spark, you might end up talking again. If not, you’ve moved on to meet someone you connect with better,” he adds. 

The post 6 Not-Intimidating Ways to Start a Conversation With Anyone appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.24.25

How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships

Set your grudges free! ByMekita Rivas

You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.

While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?” 

Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next. 

What is resentment? 

Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t). 

On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.  

At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.

When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while. 

You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.

Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.” 

That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.

How does resentment damage relationships? 

Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.

When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.

And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking. 

Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship. 

How do I deal with resentment?

Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else, says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. 

No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships. 

1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.

When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry. 

So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue. 

Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.  

When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from. 

But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.

2. Communicate compassionately.

With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.

That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné. 

You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out. 

Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.

During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné. 

That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you. 

3. Celebrate the small wins.

Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.

So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time. 

If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.

For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says. 

4. Find a mental health pro.

A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.” 

That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.

The post How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.