Pro Tips Link Copied 02.28.25

What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?

Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you. ByLauren Del Turco

We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling. 

If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one. 

Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?

But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now. 

Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it. 

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy. 

Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.

Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban. 

Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.

Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban. 

And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate. 

Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says. 

How to stop stonewalling.

If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says. 

Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.

Notice when it’s happening.

Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says. 

On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.

While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.

Communicate that you need a minute.

If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.

Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same. 

Take a (helpful) break.

Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds. 

Share your feelings.

After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part. 

If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says. 

So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe. 

Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.

Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle. 

Seek support if you need it.

If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.

How to deal if someone is stonewalling you. 

When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.

Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next. 

Make some space.

It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing. 

Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse. 

But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.

You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.

Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.

Tend to yourself.

As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.

Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.

Come back to the convo.

After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real. 

Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you. 

Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says. 

If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!

The post What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.24.25

10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better

Get ready to yap it up with literally anyone. ByKylie Gilbert

Whether it’s convenience, a habit, or a crutch, it’s easy to stop a conversation at “How’s it going?” or “The weather is crazy this week, right?” While small talk is a solid way to acknowledge someone in a pinch, like an elevator situation or bumping into someone at CVS, it can only take you so far. That’s why we all need a few questions to get to know someone better in our back pocket. 

Whether you’re on a second date, catching up with friends or family, or sussing out your new coworker, these questions to get to know someone can lead to deeper, more insightful conversations. Love that for us. 

With that in mind, we asked therapists for the Qs that will help you get more familiar with whoever you’re talking to—without making things weird. 

1. What’s something you’re feeling passionate about right now, and why?

Asking someone about what lights them up or gets them excited tells you a lot more about who they are than, “How’s work?” Whether it’s the status of their houseplants, something in the news, or a volunteer group they spend time with, asking what someone is passionate about sheds more light on what their life is like or what’s on their mind at that moment. 

When you understand what excites and motivates someone, you learn about what occupies their brain space, says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. That’s super valuable information for understanding and connection, she adds. “Someone’s passions can often reflect personal values, goals, or emotional investments.” Plus, when people talk about what lights them up, it tends to make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

2. When do you feel the most like yourself?

This question to get to know someone moves beyond what they love to when they feel the most at ease. “Rather than asking about someone’s hobbies or what they do for work, this question uncovers where and when someone feels most authentic,” Wright says. 

Their answers can reveal not just their interests, but the spaces, people, and experiences that bring them comfort, she says. In other words, this insight helps you understand what makes them feel content.

3. If you woke up one day and your life felt truly fulfilling, what would it look like?

This question invites them to imagine their ideal life—beyond the daily routine. “It lets someone break free from the here and now and dream without limits,” says therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. When you invite someone to use their imagination like this, it helps reveal parts of themselves they might usually keep close to the chest, he explains. 

You’re giving them an opportunity to express dreams that feel out of reach to bring up otherwise, Brown adds. It also reveals how much of their life right now is aligned with their goals. That’s useful for them and you (especially if you’re already close to this person and want to support their goals). 

4. What’s a small moment in your life that had a big impact on you?

Maybe it was a random conversation with a stranger that changed the way they see the world. Or perhaps it was a mental health walk in the park that led to a life-changing realization. These smaller moments don’t always get the attention they deserve but they often hold meaning, says Wright. 

Though we’re all pretty quick to spout off our big milestones, those micro-moments can offer a deeper understanding of someone, Wright adds. You might learn more about how their day-to-day shapes their goals, what’s important to them, or how they’ve changed over time.

5. What is an activity that makes you lose track of time? 

ICYMI, when you do something that you’re so deeply engaged with that you forget how much time has passed, that’s called flow, says Brown. Finding out what stuff brings them ~flow~ gives you an idea of the things that bring them joy. Maybe it’s writing or cooking or listening to a certain album, you may discover some common ground, Brown explains. If you both love an Ina Garten recipe, that might bring you closer or strengthen your bond. If their flow state is set off by something totally different than yours, that’s still great intel on who this person is and what lights them up. 

6. What’s something you’ve recently learned about yourself?

This question is all about reflecting on personal growth—something that usually doesn’t come up in small talk. “It helps keep the conversation in the present moment and gives you insight into their journey of self-discovery,” Wright says. You might learn about their emotional growth, new perspectives, or life transitions, and whether they’re open to learning and evolving, she explains.

That could lead to a conversation about emotions, shifting priorities, or boundaries, Brown says. It lets you connect with who they are today, not who they were yesterday—and gives you the chance to do the same. But, hey, even if their answer is something like, “I learned I actually hate kale,” that’s something too! 

7. What always makes you smile? 

“This question might seem chill, but it’s low-key deep,” Brown says. That’s because you’re learning more about what makes them happy. It could be a YouTube video, a meme, a hobby, a TV show, a ritual, or a memory, but, whatever it is, it lets you in on their sense of humor or where they find joy (or both). 

That’s good information, and it’s also an easy way to connect. If it’s a memory they share, validating why they love it is a good way in. If you have a relatable story, you could share that too. If it’s a pop culture moment, you could even watch it together. Close relationships thrive on those small but significant moments, says Brown. 

8. What do your most fulfilling connections feel like?

This question is great because it works in any kind of relationship—romantic, friendship, or even professional, says Brown. It helps you understand what someone truly values in their connections, beyond just surface-level traits. Do they want relationships that feel effortless and lighthearted? Do they thrive on deep, late-night talks? Or do they feel most connected through spontaneous plans? 

If you’re already close, it can open up a conversation about how you show up for each other. If they say their strongest relationships make them feel supported and understood, you can ask, “How do you like people to support you?”

9. What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?

This question is all about exploring personal growth, flexibility, and self-awareness, says Wright. It opens the door to meaningful discussions about evolving beliefs, values, and perspectives. Plus, it reveals how open they are to change and how they approach life. “It’s helpful to know if someone can change their mind when presented with new information,” Wright adds. This question invites growth and connection, without making things awkward.

10. What kind of person do you hope to be in your relationships, and what helps you show up that way?

This question is all about self-awareness, says Brown. After all, most of us focus on what we want from others without stopping to think about how we participate in the relationship, he adds. 

So, their answer could reveal qualities they’re working on—like patience, communication, or being more spontaneous—and what might be holding them back, Brown adds. It’s a great way to get a peek into how someone sees themself and their interactions with others. 

The post 10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.21.25

The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025

Control freaks, this one’s for you! BySam Brodsky

Your friends hung out without you. Your dad judges your job. The traffic? Freaking horrible. These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, angry, or stressed out. (Probably all the above, if you’re being honest.) But, according to author and podcast host Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory can help you rise above it all. 

The idea is that what’s done is done: Your pals didn’t think to (or want to) invite you, you can’t magically change your dad’s mind, and you cannot bibbidi-bobbidi-boo bumper-to-bumper delays. But you can talk to your friends about your FOMO (or prioritize other connections), focus on all the things you love about your career, and use your travel delays to call someone back (safely, on speakerphone). 

Sounds simple enough, though there’s a bit more to it. And that’s the subject of Robbins’ newest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, which she co-wrote with her daughter Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time worrying about what other people do or think sounds a little familiar, that’s because it is, says Robbins. The concept of giving up control has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. 

Here, Robbins explains how this concept works and why it can benefit your career, your relationships, and your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. Let us get into it. 

WM: What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?

Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. The first part is telling yourself to, Let them, during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a situation or another person. As soon as you say those two words, you are releasing control of what another person thinks, says, does, believes, and feels. 

Any psychologist will tell you that whenever you try to control something that you can’t, it just creates more stress and frustration and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of my life, I didn’t know this. I mean, I’m a very smart person, but I had no idea that my attempt to control other people and little things that were happening all around me—long lines or traffic or somebody being rude—drained my energy.

Once you say, Let them, you recognize you can’t control what another person thinks, says, or does. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy to try. Then you say, Let me, reminding yourself of the things that are in your control: what you think about another person or situation, what you do or don’t do in response to another person or situation, and what you do in response to your emotions. 

Every time you say, Let them, it’s the ultimate boundary between you and the rest of the world. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. You recognize that your time and energy is worth protecting. Then you say, Let me, and you pull your time and energy back and you get to choose what you do with it. 

If you’re standing in a long line, they’ve got one cash register open, and there are five people in front of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger means you just gave power to that situation. But, you have so much more power when you say, Let them run the store however they want. Let them take some time. And then you come to the let me part: Let me remind myself I can leave. Let me remind myself I can listen to something [while I wait]. Let me remind myself I could call my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate for a minute. You have control over that.

WM: What about dealing with a boss who’s in a bad mood?

MR: Let them be in a bad mood, and remind yourself that you’re not your boss’s mom and their mood is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this is something that’s happening this week or if it’s who this person is. Because if they’re like this all the time, no job is worth coming in and dealing with this. And instead of going home and griping to everybody, it is within your power to find a different place to work. But if you cower to their mood, you give all your power to your boss. 

And I think the bigger thing for your readers is learning how to use this around other people’s opinions. 

WM: Can the Let Them Theory help you care less about other people’s opinions? 

MR: You will always care what other people think. It’s a sign that you’re mentally well, you want to belong, and you want people to like you. That’s a good thing. The issue is when you give more weight to what other people think than you give to what you think about yourself.

Here’s the sad truth. You can’t control what somebody else is ever going to think or do. People might unfollow you, they might roll their eyes, they might smile to your face and then gossip behind your back. And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself and say, Well, I don’t really care what people think, just say to yourself, Let them think something negative. I mean, that’s what you’re afraid of. 

The average person has thousands of thoughts a day, many of which they can barely control. And learning to say, Let them be disappointed, let them unfollow me, let them think something negative, has been liberating because I’m creating space for somebody to think whatever they want. And I’m also acknowledging that I can’t control it anyway. The only thing that I can control is what I think of myself. 

What I found is that the more I just let myself show up in a way that was consistent with what I value and what my goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the less I even thought about what other people were thinking. And here’s why: I actually know the truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know what my intentions are. And so even if I do something out in the world that hurts somebody’s feelings or they misunderstand something, I just let them and then I let me clean it up because that’s not what I intended. But I don’t allow someone else’s opinion or someone else’s disappointment to actually impact how I feel about myself.

WM: How can the Let Them Theory help with decision-making—especially when you’re worried about what other people will think? 

MR: The reason why we don’t make decisions we know in our hearts are right is because we’re afraid of how other people will feel or react. But, most of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate is going to be upset that you want to move in with your partner. Your parents are going to be upset that you want to move across the country or change your major. Your boss is going to be upset if you say you can’t work this weekend. 

I personally believe you know what the right decision is for you. You’re just scared to make it because you don’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. 

This theory will teach you two things can be true at once. Your boss can be disappointed that you can’t take a weekend shift, and you can still be a great employee they deeply respect. Your parents can be upset that you’re moving across the country, and you can still move across the country. Your roommate can be really bummed and give you the cold shoulder and sulk around for a month, and your friendship’s going to be OK. Let them sulk, let them be disappointed, let them be upset. Let adults have their normal emotions. 

WM: But what if you’re a people pleaser who hates disappointing others?

MR: This is something you were [probably] trained to do during your childhood. Well, now it’s time to fucking grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. Because when you say, Let them be disappointed, you’re breaking that pattern. You are separating yourself from another adult’s emotions. You’re recognizing it is not your job to parent other people. Other adults are capable of handling their emotions—if you let them.

Your mother will get over it. Your friend will get over it. Your boss will get over it. So when you say, Let them, you are breaking this pattern of people pleasing. You’re drawing a boundary and you’re separating yourself from this other person. 

Then you say, Let me remind myself I have one job as an adult: to make decisions that make me proud of myself. I’m exhausted from work, and I don’t want to go to a party with 12 people where we’re shouting over the music and I don’t even see my friend. Let me decline the invitation, and let me reach out to my friend and say, “How about I take you out to all the vintage stores we love and out for lunch, my treat, next Saturday?”

WM: OK, but what if the person you disappoint doesn’t get over it? 

MR: Let them! You get to choose whether or not you’re going to give this person time. You get to choose whether or not their emotions are your job. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to prioritize this friendship. And so that’s why you always have power. 

WM: What’s a common mistake you’ve seen people make when trying to implement the Let Them Theory? 

MR: The single biggest mistake people make is they only do step one.

If you don’t say, Let me, it’s very common to feel a little lonely: Let my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. And then you’re going to sit there in your judgment, and that is the biggest danger of this. You have to do the let me part. And a lot of people don’t like this part because this is where you look in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, and you truly have to take responsibility for what you do about it. This is where compassion comes into play.

Let’s say you start to notice you’re the one who makes the effort and people don’t return your calls, they’re not great about texting, or they don’t initiate the plans. Well, you’re going to say, Let them, because getting upset and judging isn’t going to help you, and it makes you stressed. Let them be who they are. They’re revealing who they are and what they care about.

Now you come to the let me part, and you’ve got a lot of things in your control. For example: Let me really look in the mirror and ask myself: What do I value? If you value friendship and family and a social life, then it’s your responsibility to create it. And you get to choose whether or not you continue to pour time into the friendships [that aren’t reciprocal] or if you’re going to take that time and go make new friends as an adult.

You also get to choose, by the way, to look at things with a level of maturity and grace and say, I’m actually friends with a lot of introverted people or a lot of people who don’t have the energy right now to reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is the glue that keeps our family together. 

WM: What’s your advice for people trying to implement this theory into their lives?

MR: Anytime somebody’s annoying you or stressing you out, just say, Let them. You’re going to feel instant freedom and power. Then say, Let me, and remind yourself, I have control here. What do I want to do in response?

If you’re in a very triggering situation or something that is ongoing—like you just broke up and you’re trying to move through heartbreak—you’re going to have to say, Let them walk out the door, let them sleep with other people, let them move on, let them not love me, over and over and over again, because the hurt doesn’t just go away. You need this to respond to emotions that keep rising up. 

WM: And any advice for people who are scared to give up control and just “let them” do their thing?  

MR: I’m going to let you hold onto control. Here’s why: I can’t change you. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. But if you’re sick and tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated and exhausted, this theory will change your life.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025 appeared first on Wondermind.

WM x Equip Link Copied 12.16.24 Powered By

5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues

Whether the criticism is coming from yourself or a judgey relative, here’s how to help silence them. ByAnna Borges

As a person with a history of body image issues, I always brace for the usual suspects when looking at old holiday pictures—judgmental thoughts about my appearance, embarrassment about how I looked compared to others, and maybe even some frustration over how much my body has changed since then. But the main thing I feel? Bummed. Because…well, I’m not in that many photos at all. And despite all my past fears that Future Me would cringe at the snapshots later, it turns out my biggest regret isn’t about how I looked—it’s about the memories I missed out on making because I was so caught up in self-criticism.

I’m sure I’m not the only one whose festivities are regularly weighed down by discomfort and insecurity. “We live in a world with so much shame, and that does not stop over the holidays,” says Ally Duvall, senior program development lead at Equip and self-proclaimed fat activist. If anything, she notes, it often ramps way up—whether it’s your mom commenting on your weight, a guest saying how “bad” they’re being as they get a slice of pie, or your own inner monologue critiquing how you measure up to last year’s resolutions. And don’t even get us started on all that unhelpful “New Year, New Me” messaging. 

To help you navigate this season’s many body image traps, we asked experts to share some reminders that can ground you, push back against the noise, or simply give you permission to feel however you feel. Of course, like our bodies themselves, the exact message we need to hear will be unique to each of us. So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and—most importantly—remember that you (and your body) deserve kindness all year round.

1. Your appearance is not the most interesting thing about you.

The way you look might feel like the center of attention during the holidays, when family photos, social media posts, and unsolicited comments about appearances seem to be everywhere. But the truth is, what you see in the mirror says so little about who you are or the impact you have on the people around you.

“If you asked the people you love to name ten things they value about you, I can almost guarantee your body wouldn’t make the list,” Duvall says. “So why is it taking up so much space on yours? There’s so much more to who you are—you’re a complex, unique, and wonderful being.” 

When you catch yourself giving your appearance #1 billing in your mind, Duvall recommends interrupting the spiral out loud—say, by listing other things you love about yourself. But no need to whip out positive affirmations if they feel unnatural. Neutral statements—like, My body is the least interesting thing about me—work just as well, she says. 

2. You—and your body—have unique needs.

Holiday gatherings are rife with opportunities for comparison: how much others are eating, what they’re wearing, how effortlessly they seem to embody holiday cheer. “First, don’t blame yourself—a lot of comparisons happen automatically,” says Brittney Lauro, LCSW, lead therapist and clinical supervisor at Equip. 

That said, you don’t want to take comparisons at face value. For one, we rarely have enough information to draw meaningful conclusions in the first place. “At the end of the day, we’re only around people for a snapshot of their day,” Lauro explains. “We don’t know their full story, just like they don’t know ours.” For example, you might find yourself feeling self-conscious after noticing someone’s half-filled plate—but maybe they ate before coming, don’t like the food, or have their own dietary restrictions or relationship with eating that you’re not privy to.

Instead of fixating on what others are doing, remind yourself that your needs are valid and unique. “It’s wonderful that you’re eating more or differently than others because those are your needs in the moment,” Lauro says. And it’s not just about physical nourishment—enjoying “fun” foods can meet emotional needs, too, she adds, which helps you connect with the experience and savor the holiday. The same goes for stepping away from the action, choosing an outfit that feels comfortable, or sitting far away from your judgey Aunt Karen.

3. There’s no right way to respond to inappropriate comments.

Unfortunately, body image conversations don’t just live in your head—sometimes they come from those around you. From backhanded compliments to unsolicited advice, you might find yourself stuck in a conversation wondering WTF to say. The good news? There are many different ways to respond, and you can choose whatever feels right to you. “It all depends on context, like your relationship with the person, your comfort level with certain topics, and what you want to get into in that moment,” Duvall says. 

Generally, though, Lauro and Duvall both recommend having a few phrases up your sleeve—and practicing them ahead of time. These could include setting a firm boundary (“Let’s not talk about my appearance”), redirecting the conversation (“I think what you mean is you’re happy to see me—how’s work going?”), or even calling the comment out and starting a dialogue (“I’m curious why you feel the need to comment on other people’s bodies.”). Or you might prep a plan of action instead of a script…like how you’ll excuse yourself if the conversation gets too overwhelming. 

4. You don’t need to “earn” your food—or anything else you want.

The holidays are prime time for the idea that enjoyment has to come with conditions—especially when it comes to food. Whether it’s skipping meals to “save” calories, getting pressured into doing a holiday 5K before the festivities begin, or saying, “I’ll need to work this off later,” the message that you need to balance indulgence with restriction is everywhere. And it doesn’t stop at food. This mindset can creep into other areas too, like telling yourself you can only wear a special outfit, pose in pics, or participate in a tradition if you hit a certain goal.

So, in case you need to hear it, “you absolutely deserve to eat and enjoy your food—and every other part of the holiday,” says Lauro. What’s more, the rules and bargains you make with yourself can backfire. “If we’re entering the holiday with a scarcity mindset, we’re actually setting ourselves up to feel more out of control when we have access to the things we’re avoiding,” she explains. In other words, instead of freeing you to enjoy the day “without guilt,” you’ll probably wind up even more preoccupied with food or your body.

5. You can ditch old traditions that no longer serve you. 

Let’s be real: Too many holiday traditions revolve around food, family gatherings, and other elements that can feel overwhelming or stressful if you’re struggling with your body image or relationship with eating. While it’s OK to hope for a time when you feel more at ease with these traditions, it’s just as valid to acknowledge that you might not be there yet—and to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, Lauro says.

Instead of forcing yourself to participate in traditions that feel uncomfortable, Lauro and Duvall recommend giving yourself permission to create new ones that bring you peace, joy, comfort, or whatever else you need this year. You might start a holiday movie marathon, host a cozy crafting night with friends, or volunteer at a local organization to connect with your community.

Whatever you decide—or whatever the season has in store for you anyway—one last reminder: You got this. “You’ve already made it through so many hard things, and you’ll make it through the holidays too,” Duvall says.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, visit equip.health for more information on eating disorders and their virtual treatment.

The post 5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.05.24

What Is Radical Acceptance and Can It Change Your Life?

It’s not magic, but it’s close. ByEmily Laurence

If you’re into mental health memes and love a therapy influencer, you might have heard this little hack floating around the ether. It’s called radical acceptance, and it’s a thing many mental health pros swear is key to living a chiller life. 

And, in a time when things may not be going your way—personally, politically, existentially—who wouldn’t be willing to try anything to get some relief from the chaos? That’s exactly what proponents of radical acceptance offer. Allegedly this skill can help you deal with everything from family drama and grief to existential dread and any other big scary thing happening in your life. 

But is this shit for real? Honestly, maybe. Here, we spoke to mental health pros about what radical acceptance is, what it isn’t, and how to do it. 

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is a big part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a therapeutic modality created in the 1990s by psychologist Marsha Linehan, PhD, to treat borderline personality disorder, according to the American Psychological Association. Today, DBT is widely used to help people manage a bunch of different mental health struggles.

The premise of DBT is accepting stuff we don’t like and changing our response based on that reality. The acceptance part is rooted in Zen Buddhism and encourages people to use mindfulness to get present with what is—however uncomfortable that might be. That practice is basically radical acceptance’s whole deal.

Technically speaking though, radical acceptance is about acknowledging your reality as it is (rather than trying to avoid or change it), honoring your feelings about what’s going on, and figuring out how to move forward from there. In her book, DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Dr. Linehan describes it as the complete acceptance of what is, and goes on to explain one of the key takeaways: “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.” 

It may sound like a simple concept, but it’s not always easy in practice. That’s because, when something shitty happens or keeps happening, your first instinct might be to try to control the situation somehow (e.g. planning the perfect holiday gathering for your dysfunctional family who fights no matter the tablescape). Or you might deny that it’s happening, persuade yourself that you can change it, or ignore it completely. 

All of these attempts at avoiding the reality of the situation are coping mechanisms, says Minaa B., LMSW, a licensed therapist, social worker, and author of Owning Our Struggles.  If you convince yourself it’s not happening or that you can change it with enough hard work, you don’t have to endure painful feelings caused by this reality, she says. I mean, it’s a lot easier to obsess over place settings and holiday decor than to accept that family time isn’t what you’d like it to be. Whether you call it denial or delulu, it’s a way to feel less terrible. 

Radical acceptance, on the other hand, would look like coming to terms with the fact that your family is a chaotic mess, that you feel really sad and frustrated when you’re with them, and that no amount of holiday cheer will change that. Then, knowing that your historically sucky family will likely behave the same this year, you can make choices that protect your peace. You could preemptively schedule therapy sessions right before and after your holiday break, suggest activities that get you all out of the house (movies are a great way to kill time without talking), or shorten your trip (or cancel it altogether). Choose your own sanity-saving adventure! 

What isn’t radical acceptance?

To the untrained eye, radical acceptance can sound like condoning bad behavior, pretending everything is fine (see: toxic positivity), or being apathetic. The difference between all of these and radical acceptance is that the latter includes feeling your feelings and taking action based on those feelings. 

Take toxic positivity for example. Unlike radical acceptance, toxic positivity means keeping up a positive attitude no matter the situation or what you’re truly feeling. It’s holding onto a no-bad-vibes mentality, even when you want to cry. 

With radical acceptance, you first accept what’s happening and the tough emotions (fear, anger, anxiety) that come with it, says Gordon Gooding, LCSW, ACSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Gooding Wellness Group. With a clearer picture of what’s going on and how you feel about it, you’re better equipped to take action. You’re making moves based on reality—not what you hope will happen, Gooding adds.

Likewise, radically accepting a situation doesn’t mean you no longer care about it. It’s kind of the opposite. You’re facing the issue and your feelings about it head-on because you do care. Then, with those facts and feels in mind, you can decide the best way to move forward. 

Maybe that means disengaging from the situation (see: stalking your ex’s Instagram), but it could also look like taking action (especially if the things stressing you out are massive issues, like climate anxiety or political drama). 

How does radical acceptance work?

It sounds like a magic trick, but it’s not. The idea is: The more we deny or avoid the truth of what we’re going through and our feelings about it, the harder it is to move forward and find some peace, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. When we try to work around what’s really going on or try to change it, it usually just triggers more anxiety and uncomfortable feelings, she adds. In Dr. Polyné’s experience, that can even manifest as physical symptoms like stomach pains or fatigue.

It makes sense. When you keep trying to ignore something that sucks or trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, you’re bound to feel extra terrible when you’re eventually confronted with the reality of the situation. In short, resisting the truth just makes us feel worse. Instead, when you acknowledge and react to what’s actually happening without judgement, you can make choices that align with what’s really going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Of course, depending on the situation, the radical acceptance wizardry might not happen all in one go, according to the experts we spoke with. Most of the time, you’ll have to sit in your feelings for a while before you achieve acceptance and make changes accordingly. That’s totally normal.

How to do radical acceptance

First, it’s important to know that radical acceptance is a skill, which means it’s something you have to practice over time, says therapist Sage Grazer, LCSW. That’s especially true if you’ve become a pro at avoiding uncomfy feelings or sugarcoating bad situations, she adds.

Step one is facing the issue. “Instead of putting energy into ignoring, denying, or wishing it were different, you can redirect it toward acceptance and making choices that align with the present,” Grazer says.

There are a few ways you can do that. Journaling is a solid option, says Minaa B. She suggests journaling about whatever circumstances are hard for you to experience. Maybe it’s a conflict at work, a relationship with someone in your family, or a fight you keep having with your partner. Ask yourself: What’s so hard about this situation and why is it so hard for me to make peace with it? Then, write about what fears this problem brings up (what are you afraid of happening?) and why you’re having such a hard time accepting it. Journaling out your answers and seeing what comes up is a great way to confront your thoughts and feelings instead of avoiding them, Minaa B. adds. 

You can tackle the same questions with a trusted friend or a therapist if you’ve got one. “Healthy venting can help you embrace what’s going on and validate that your feelings are justified,” Minaa B. says. 

While acknowledging how you’re feeling is an important part of radical acceptance, you also have to move on to the “OK, now what?” phase, says Gooding. That’s step two. 

To start troubleshooting, even if you haven’t totally gotten to a place of complete acceptance, imagine yourself after you’ve made peace with the situation. What would your life look like if you knew this thing would never change? What would you do differently than you are now? This goes back to Dr. Linehan’s message that life can still be worth living even in the presence of painful events.

For example, say you know that your family’s political talk are going to come up at the white elephant swap this holiday season. How can you prepare or plan ahead for that experience knowing it happens every four years or so? Do you come prepared with a list of ways to change the subject? Do you find an ally in the family to commiserate with afterward? Do you skip the party altogether? Radical acceptance can help you feel less triggered when those hard-to-endure moments happen and more equipped to take them on. A double whammy.

All of the therapists emphasize that this isn’t a one-and-done type of thing. Especially if a situation is particularly devastating. Chances are you’ll have to keep accepting what happened/is happening, reevaluate your feelings, and adjust your coping skills and response as needed. 

If it feels uncomfortable at first, that’s OK, Dr. Polyné says. But you’ll know you’re making progress when you start to notice small shifts in how you feel about the situation and how you respond to it. 

Having trouble moving forward? That might be a sign that you’d benefit from the help of a trained mental health professional. They can give you tools to cope and help you get to the bottom of whatever’s blocking you from acceptance. 

Remember, radical acceptance doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy about a situation. It’s about facing it, acknowledging how you feel about it, and figuring out how to move forward. It’s not easy, but the reward is better than denial. It’s peace.

The post What Is Radical Acceptance and Can It Change Your Life? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact”

If you’ve done the work and it’s still not working, read this. ByJessie Van Amburg

“The last time I saw my mom, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her. And no, she’s not dead. We’re just no contact.” So begins a five-minute TikTok video. In it, a woman shares exactly what went down when she decided to cut things off with her mom for good: “I was fed up,” the creator Ashley D. said. “I’m just done with it, I’m not about to stay here to take this mental and verbal abuse just because I’m scared to be by myself.” 

Ashley’s story, sadly, is not unique. Going no contact—the idea of having limited to zero communication or interactions with a person—is the subject of hundreds of thousands of videos on TikTok. Whether it’s adult children talking about cutting off their parents after years of mistreatment, therapists weighing in on why it happens and how to navigate it, or parents grieving their children’s estrangement, the anecdotes keep rolling in.

It’s fairly taboo in most cultures to just cut ties with your family. (Blood is thicker than water, yadda, yadda, yadda.) But, sometimes, ending a relationship is necessary to protect your peace. “[No contact is] ultimately a person saying, ‘This relationship has become so unmanageable for me, and staying in contact is no longer an option,’” says Whitney Goodman, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and co-founder at Calling Home who specializes in adult family relationships. 

In other words, no contact is kind of like a “break glass in case of emergency” option for truly toxic relationships. “A lot of people who do not have experience with it assume that people go no contact after one disagreement,” says Kristen Gingrich, LCSW, a therapist and co-host of the Welcome to Group Therapy podcast. “The reality is that most of the time…it is after months, weeks, years of constant boundary violations, toxic behaviors, unsafe interactions, that have finally reached a peak.”  

How do you know if it’s right for you? We talked to some therapists to get the lowdown. 

What does no contact mean?

In its simplest terms, going no contact means that you’re no longer speaking to someone, says Goodman. It’s something someone does when a relationship cannot continue in its current form (or exist at all) because of how it’s affecting your mental health and well-being, says Gingrich. She says it typically applies to family relationships, but it can also be used in the context of romantic relationships or friendships.

Even though “no contact” sounds pretty cut and dry, it can actually exist on a spectrum (much like family estrangement). On one end is the total cut off, says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist. “You’re not talking to the person. You’re not answering any emails, phone calls, any outreach, and there’s literally no contact,” she says. Then you have more of a partial cut-off, where you might still see that person at Thanksgiving or Grandma’s 80th birthday party, but otherwise you don’t interact with them, she says. 

At the other end is what Gingrich calls “low contact,” where a person makes very intentional, limited decisions on when to engage with someone—say, a short phone call on birthdays or exchanging cards on the holidays. 

Going no contact might be based on specific conditions rather than a permanent state, adds Goodman. You might decide not to speak to a person unless a problematic behavior changes, or until they commit to attending therapy with you.

How a person defines no contact ultimately depends on their specific circumstances. Say you want to go no contact with your estranged father, but don’t want to lose ties with his side of the family. You might have to accept that you will still see him on holidays and proceed accordingly. Basically, your interpretation  of no contact is valid, Gingrich says. 

That said, remember that no contact is meant to be a last-case scenario, not something you invoke right away with difficult family members or the friend that posts questionable stuff on Facebook. No contact is essentially the end of that relationship as you both know it—and experts caution against using that to avoid an awkward or uncomfortable conversation with every person you don’t get along with. “I would not cut off before giving [the relationship] a real try, and seeing if the person is open to understanding or willing to take responsibility,” says Ross. “Try to address the conflict.” Because, as we’ll discuss shortly, the consequences for no contact can be steep—and require some very serious consideration. 

6 signs no contact could be right for you

Deciding whether to cut someone out of your life (completely or partially) ) can feel complicated and loaded, even if you know it’s a solid option. Here, experts share several scenarios when it’s worth reevaluating how much contact you have with them.

1. It’s a physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive relationship.

All three experts say going no contact with someone who is consistently causing harm—whether it’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, or other cruel treatment—might be your best option to stay safe. They’re not entitled to treat you this way, says Goodman. 

2. Spending time with them sends you into self-destruction mode. 

“If someone is encouraging you to harm yourself or promotes self-destructive behavior, they’re likely not a positive influence in your life,” says Goodman. This could manifest in a bunch of different ways—say, a risk-loving friend constantly peer-pressures you into doing dangerous stuff when you’re together, or your mom’s constant criticism or cruelty triggers you and makes it hard to maintain your sobriety. (Not liking who you are or what you turn into with that person is another troubling sign, adds Gingrich.) In those kinds of cases, going no contact or low contact would likely be essential for your mental or physical health. 

3. They’re legit ruining your mental health. 

If you consistently feel like spending time with someone leaves you “more harmed than helped,” limiting contact with them might improve your life, Gingrich says. 

This might not seem that serious in one-off incidents, but over time, sustained contact with a person who makes you feel awful can be toxic to your well-being and your shared relationships, says Ross. Take an overly-involved mother who uses you like a free therapist, she says—without boundaries, you might struggle to have your own life because you’re so caught up in hers. Or if your super conservative father-in-law always picks on you at family gatherings, it could cause tension between you and your partner and other relationships. 

Since this isn’t straight-up abuse, you might feel conflicted. When that’s the case, you can ask yourself, How does this person behave 90 percent of the time? What is it like when you see them? How does it feel after you’ve spent time with them? says Goodman. Those Qs can help you get a clearer picture of how they’re affecting you. “Limiting your time with these people and setting specific boundaries if you need to be around them is important,” she adds.

4. They constantly dismiss your boundaries and they refuse to take accountability or work to salvage the relationship. 

The goal of boundaries is to help people maintain healthy relationships—not keep them apart. Of course, creating guardrails doesn’t necessarily mean the people in your life will stay within them. And if they keep disrespecting those boundaries, even with reminders, they might just not be willing to change their behavior. 

“I believe that if someone is being hateful and they have been told how this is hurting you, yet they continue to do so, this is a person who does not have your best interest at heart,” says Goodman. “They are likely not capable of having a reciprocal healthy relationship with you.”

This can be really disheartening when you want this person in your life, but sometimes there may be specific things you need and they’re unwilling to budge on—whether it’s finally accepting your sexuality, not criticizing your weight every chance they get, or simply avoiding the topic of politics or religion when you get together. If they know how important this boundary is to you and they still refuse to compromise in a way that lets you maintain a relationship, it’s hard to find a path forward. 

5. You’ve tried literally everything to make a relationship work. 

To an outside observer, completely cutting someone off might seem extreme. But, as we said, people rarely go no contact because of one disagreement. Going no contact usually happens after someone has done everything in their power to repair the relationship, says Goodman. 

Things like setting boundaries, seeing someone less often, and addressing their behavior head-on can all help to heal a messy relationship. But if they don’t make a dent in the chaos, change might not be possible for them. That means you’d have to sacrifice your own needs and emotional health for the sake of staying in contact with them. Is that worth it? Maybe! But also maybe not. 

“I think once people accept who the other person is, and maybe get clear on, ‘I can’t make them change,’ they’re able to make the best decision for themselves,” Goodman says.

6. You’ve accepted the consequences.

Regardless of how necessary it may be for you or your family, all three experts say that going no contact can come with steep ramifications. “There’s a lot of loss,” Ross says. Sometimes that loss is the relationship with the person you’re going no contact with, other times it’s the loss of connection to the other people involved in your relationship, like extended family or mutual friends. 

When it comes to family, siblings can get caught in the middle, as can family gatherings, funerals, and sick family members. “All of this stuff becomes really complicated in a different way when you’ve gone no contact with someone.” 

“Going no contact for me meant that I lost my mother,” says Gingrich. “My child will never know his grandmother.” 

OK, so what do I do now? 

Feeling personally victimized by everything on this list? It’s time to start talking about this with a trusted person—a therapist, a support group, or a really good friend, says Goodman. This can help you work through the decision and process the consequences.

Sometimes, people find that all of the therapy and boundary resetting in the world isn’t enough. “A lot of people start this process from the lens of, ‘How can I make this person change so that they can be in my life?’” Goodman says. But that doesn’t always work, she adds.

Instead, consider what you can do to protect yourself or shift the terms of the relationship so it works better for you. Sometimes that means going no contact, says Goodman. Other times, it might mean just seeing someone periodically, or only talking to them on the phone once a year. 

If you’re really struggling in a relationship with someone toxic, it’s good to know this option exists if you need it. And it’s a valid one. “Adults get to decide who’s in their life no matter what,” says Goodman.

The post 6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact” appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 11.26.24

How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style

You’re not doomed, but here’s what to do about it. ByAshley Laderer

If you haven’t spent a significant amount of time talking or thinking about attachment styles lately, then you probably have a much healthier screen time report than we do. Thanks to social media, everybody and their mom has heard about attachment theory and the ways it can show up in our interactions with others. One of the biggest sources of drama, according to the internet, is an insecure attachment style. 

Whether you just surfaced from an #attachmentstyles rabbit hole on TikTok or never heard of her, here we explain what an insecure attachment style is, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do next. Here we go! 

What is an insecure attachment style?

The short answer: It’s anything that isn’t a secure attachment style. But to understand what that means, we need to rewind a bit and cover attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on years later by psychologist Mary D. Ainsworth, PhD, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). The theory suggests that humans need to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers (and with people in general) to survive. It also surmises that there are different types of relationships between infants and caregivers (some healthier than others), and those relationships can go on to affect that child’s emotional growth as they get older, per the APA.

Dr. Ainsworth reported that the more sensitive and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, the more likely that child is to have a secure attachment—aka the best kind of attachment. And that idea has been backed up by lots of research since.

Babies develop a secure attachment when their caregivers consistently meet their physical and emotional needs during their first year, says therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, who treats clients with insecure attachment. When parents don’t respond to a child’s cries or provide a safe and stable environment, it can lead to an insecure attachment, Groskopf says. “Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains.

The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents’ attention, she explains. Other times, you might avoid displaying emotion because your parents have consistently let you down when you’ve shown distress in the past, she adds. 

Over the years, psychologists found that attachment theory also applied to romantic relationships. And while the attachment styles we have in our adult relationships might be the same ones we developed with our caregivers early on in life, that’s not always the case for everyone. Plus, an insecure attachment style in dating isn’t always caused by caretakers—you can also develop an insecure attachment from unhealthy relationships, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Finally, It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t necessarily static. “Although people who are secure in one relationship—such as relationships with parents—tend to be secure in other relationships too—such as relationships with partners—there is nothing deterministic about this pattern,” says R. Chris Fraley, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “Indeed, many people have different kinds of attachments with different people in their lives. It is quite common for people to have a secure relationship with a parent but an insecure relationship with their current partner.”

Types of insecure attachment styles 

According to Dr. Ainsworth’s research and the attachment studies that followed, insecure attachment styles fall into one of three categories: avoidant attachment, resistant/ambivalent attachment (now often referred to as anxious attachment), and disorganized attachment.

Here’s the difference between these three types of insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment: “People with an anxious attachment style crave and desire intimacy, but they’re fixated on whether the other person likes them back,” says Mouhtis. If you have this style, you probably struggle with a fear of abandonment too. 

Anxious attachment is typically the result of a caretaker who’s inconsistent, Mouhtis says. Maybe they were loving and attentive some of the time, but they could also be MIA, moody, or angry. As a result, you can become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, work to anticipate their needs, and abandon your own. 

Avoidant attachment: It’s not that people with an avoidant attachment don’t want intimacy, it’s just super uncomfy for them, Mouhtis says. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely ~avoid~ emotional intimacy, distance yourself, and keep your relationships surface level to prevent getting hurt.

This attachment style is often a result of caregivers rejecting or dismissing a child’s needs, teaching them that emotion leads to rejection, Groskopf says. So, to protect themselves, the child might suppress their emotions and keep feelings out of their relationships moving forward, she adds.

Disorganized attachment: This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment tropes. You go back and forth between craving intimacy (see: being “needy”) and pushing intimacy away in an unpredictable pattern, says Mouhtis. Sometimes you’re distant, sometimes you’re clingy. 

This kind of attachment is often thought to be linked to childhood trauma. “Typically with disorganized attachment, there was a parent who was both a comfort to the child and a threat,” Mouhtis says. That can create a lot of confusion for a kid and how they see their role in relationships. 

How can I tell if I have an insecure attachment style?

While it’s easy to take these at face value, attachment styles are incredibly nuanced. You likely have a global attachment style that dictates how you’ll generally respond in relationships, but there may be variations in how you act from relationship to relationship, says Dr. Claudia Brumbaugh, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “This variation is based on how the partner treats you. A very secure person is unlikely to become super-avoidant with one person in their life, but they may be more avoidant with one person than they normally are because that person tends to be emotionally cold toward them.”

That said, here are some indicators that you’ve got an insecure attachment situation going on, according to Groskopf. 

Signs of anxious attachment:

• You constantly seek reassurance
• You frequently ask your partner if they still love you 
• You worry excessively that your partner will leave you
• You panic when people don’t respond quickly to texts
• You’re a people pleaser
• You often sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships 

Signs of avoidant attachment: 

• You often keep your feelings to yourself
• You avoid emotional conversations
• You pull away when relationships get too close
• You think keeping an emotional distance is the safest
• You don’t like to rely on others
• You feel more secure being independent 

Signs of disorganized attachment:

• You push people away when they get close, but feel distress when they’re distanced
• You struggle with trust
• You’re torn between wanting emotional closeness and fearing it
• Your reactions in relationships feel inconsistent 
• There’s a lot of instability in your relationships
• You sabotage your relationships 

How can I fix an insecure attachment style? 

The most important thing to remember about an insecure attachment style is that it isn’t a life sentence. It’s definitely possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Here’s how. 

Identify your biggest struggles.

It’s hard to say what kind of insecure attachment style you have without working with a therapist. That said, assessing how you show up in relationships can help you notice unhelpful patterns, Groskopf says. For example, do you constantly seek reassurance from a partner and fear abandonment? Do you avoid vulnerability and keep your partner at arm’s length? This awareness is the first step to making changes.

Because these patterns aren’t your fault, you also need to prioritize self-compassion through this process, says Groskopf. Instead of judging yourself for your attachment style, recognize that these patterns once helped you survive and connect, Groskopf says. “You don’t need to blame yourself.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Building a secure attachment style takes major changes, and it’s not easy. As with anything new, approaching your relationships differently can feel weird or uncomfortable at first. And yet, pushing through can help you grow and develop new relationship and communication skills. 

For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, try to stay present and sit with the feelings that come up when a partner expresses affection. “In the moment, you can remind yourself that receiving a partner’s love doesn’t mean losing yourself or your independence,” Mouhtis says. With practice, you’ll learn to associate intimacy with pleasure and joy rather than loss, she adds.

On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work toward feeling more comfortable with being alone and learn to reassure yourself instead of depending on others,  Mouhtis explains. Over time, you can feel less dependent on reassurance from others and trust that people aren’t always going to leave you. 

Find a professional. 

Working with a pro is your best bet for developing a secure attachment style that sticks. “Therapy, especially with an attachment-focused therapist, can help you learn why you adopted these coping strategies and how to form healthier connections as an adult,” says Groskopf.

Mouhtis says that she often uses internal family systems (IFS) therapy with clients who have attachment issues. This kind of psychotherapy encourages people to see themselves as made up of various parts with different roles in order to heal childhood wounds (like insecure attachment). No matter what type of therapy your mental health pro uses, know that these changes take time. But stick with it! Secure attachment, here we come! 

The post How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style appeared first on Wondermind.