Stories Link Copied 03.13.25

How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much”

…and made more meaningful connections. BySamantha Feher

I think it was “talks too much in class.” That was the first time I’d ever considered that more wasn’t always better.

Growing up, every ride to school was a live Grouplove concert, complete with air guitar and invisible microphones. Easter egg coloring was an extreme sport. “More” was the name of my family’s game, and I wore my team colors proudly—on my heart and on my sleeve.

So I talked too much in class. That I could live with. The demerit came padded with friendship bracelets and birthday party invitations. 

But as the years went by, “too much” became something to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I’d hear people describe me as, “She’s…a lot.” The label, side-eyes, and snarky comments started to sting.

Eventually, I learned that it was more desirable to be “less.” Those who were “less” were invited to parties and asked to dances. So, by the time I got to college, I wore a “chill girl” mask so convincing I even had myself fooled. 

I dated one untameable boy after another (they all thought it was their idea) and joined the cool, we-barely-care sorority. I felt like a fraud, but it was better to feel like a fraud than a spectacle.

One boyfriend stuck around right up until graduation. He’d fallen in love with the chill girl, but he could see the cracks in my mask. He was quick to call them out—in front of friends, family, and strangers—any chance he got. 

One time, I made the mistake of shouting an answer at a rowdy trivia night, and he loudly told me to shut up and stop begging for attention. His friends pulled me aside to apologize on his behalf. The third (or was it fourth?) time we broke up, he said it outright: I was “too much.” What remained of the mask shattered. And thank goodness. 

Six years, 122 therapy sessions, four jobs, three boyfriends, and two apartments later, I’m unapologetically, shamelessly myself. 

I talk a lot in an effort to relate and connect with people through shared experience. I overexplain my intentions so I’m not misunderstood. I want to be heard, so I raise my volume. I’m forward and enthusiastic in a way that sometimes makes other people uncomfortable.

While I work to avoid being perceived as self-absorbed or even rude, I’m just being me. I think most of the “too much” girlies (or anyone who’s been labeled this way) can relate to all that. We’re not shy or placid or “chill” by nature, and sometimes people are put off by our strong personalities. It happens. But it doesn’t mean we’re too much. 

I sing (badly) at karaoke bars full of strangers. I belly laugh loudly and unabashedly. I cry when the tears come, whether it’s someone else’s definition of the right time and place or not. I tell people I love them every time they leave a room because I do. I dance in public, hug people the first time we meet, and call them afterward to see if they want to hang out sometime. I follow first on Instagram. I quadruple-text. I ask, “What are we?” I order another round. I ask the waitress her name. I remember it.

I found people who love me for me. And I’ve learned to embrace the parts of myself I used to think were flawed. Here’s how I did it.

I fell in love with myself.

After that college breakup, I was tempted to double down on my chill facade. But I was exhausted. I was tired of playing contortionist with my personality, constantly trying to fit it into too-tight spaces. Tired of withholding every opinion, every anecdote. Tired of nodding and smiling and laughing (quietly, of course) at the right times and never sharing in return. Tired of being nothing but a receptacle for other people to talk at or a prized accessory.

So, instead, I let go. All the me I’d been pushing down came flooding out of my every pore. It was easier than I thought. Pretending took years of curation, practice, and discipline—kicking myself for too-loud laughs and too-forward questions. Giving myself pep talks in the mirror before an event, promising my reflection that I’d be quiet and accommodating. But after I quit pretending, I discovered that being myself wasn’t hard at all.

It felt like going home. Growing up, I didn’t know anything else—I was me all the time, and I was celebrated for it. But my inner child hadn’t been seen or heard in ages. So when I held her again, she was starved for affection. I reminded her to take up space, to be vulnerable, and to be proud of her zeal for life. Taking care of her felt like the first deep breath after a head cold.

When that little girl was back on her feet, I felt a shift. Survival mode evolved into equilibrium. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I realized, for the first time, that there was room for more of me. 

So I honored my curiosity, saying yes to everything that came my way—even the things I would’ve been shamed for in the past. I filmed funny videos to share online (“attention-seeking”). I did a stint on reality TV (“desperate”). I started a podcast (“nobody asked for this”).

I learned that there is no upper limit on joy and fulfillment. With permission to take up space, I saw a version of myself I was proud of, even impressed by. This one is earnest and passionate and loud and brave and happy—and I fell in love with her.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me.

In high school and college, life was a popularity contest. Were you invited to your favorite frat’s mountain weekend? Did you have a group of friends to pregame the date party with? How many people said hi to you in the library today? 

As such, I entered adulthood thinking that my value was measured by the number of people who loved me.

If I was “too much,” it meant I was too annoying, too emotional, too exhausting to be around all the time, and people would leave. So I spent a lot of time learning how to rein in my personality just enough to make people comfortable. 

I was so swept up in my efforts to make people like me that I rarely stopped to consider whether I liked them.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that, for the most part, I didn’t. Maybe I liked the idea of them (or the idea of them liking me), but these were not people I admired. They were judgy sorority girls, snarky coworkers, and douchebag guys with commitment issues. They made me feel bad about myself, like I needed to change to feel welcome. That’s not the kind of person I want to be or be around.

I started thinking about how other people made me feel, shedding the frenemies and situationships that made me feel small, unworthy, or stupid just for being myself. And when I met someone new who made me feel good—safe, loved, wanted—I held them close. I directed my time and energy toward those relationships because what you water grows. I wanted to grow that feeling forever.

Now, many of my friends have big personalities like mine. But the ones who don’t actually appreciate a big personality in a friend. I can help carry the mental and emotional load at social engagements, bring the energy, and articulate complicated or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We fit like puzzle pieces.

I found community.

Today, I see and love myself for who I am—not who I think I should be. So, in a turn of events my elementary school report card no doubt manifested, I decided to make “talks too much in class” my full-time job. I’m leaning into my big personality.

When people come across me on TV, hear my podcast, or find my videos on their social media feed, they get what they see—in all my honest, extra, vulnerable, nonlinear glory. 

Of course, there are people who don’t like it. There always will be. But there are more who are curious and open, for whom my journey resonates deeply. 

For those people, my content is not a broadcast; it’s a dialogue. We trade stories, struggles, joys, learnings, and heartache. Connection is our currency, and the community just keeps growing.

If I can give you one piece of advice: Feel your big feelings and share them. Make space for others. Cherish them. Talk more. If you’re loud enough, you might just be heard all over the world.

The post How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.06.25

10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure

1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. ByLauren Del Turco Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem. 

So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”

Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks. 

Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.

Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can  learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.

1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.

“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.

2. Find the lesson in comparison.

You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your  dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.

There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.  

The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.

3. Don’t let criticism crush you.

Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally. 

Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!

Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable. 

4. Prove your insecurity wrong.

This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”

You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!

5. Flip the script on self-talk.

Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs,” Dr. Hayes says. “Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you’re feeling insecure.

6. Start asking questions.

When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.

First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.

Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?

Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort. 

Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.

7. Check in with your people. 

When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.  

When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured. 

Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make  you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.

8. Remind your body that you’re good.

Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.

9. Take note of the positives.

Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.

10. Explore the root of the issue.

If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”

Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes. 

The post 10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.21.25

The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025

Control freaks, this one’s for you! BySam Brodsky

Your friends hung out without you. Your dad judges your job. The traffic? Freaking horrible. These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, angry, or stressed out. (Probably all the above, if you’re being honest.) But, according to author and podcast host Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory can help you rise above it all. 

The idea is that what’s done is done: Your pals didn’t think to (or want to) invite you, you can’t magically change your dad’s mind, and you cannot bibbidi-bobbidi-boo bumper-to-bumper delays. But you can talk to your friends about your FOMO (or prioritize other connections), focus on all the things you love about your career, and use your travel delays to call someone back (safely, on speakerphone). 

Sounds simple enough, though there’s a bit more to it. And that’s the subject of Robbins’ newest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, which she co-wrote with her daughter Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time worrying about what other people do or think sounds a little familiar, that’s because it is, says Robbins. The concept of giving up control has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. 

Here, Robbins explains how this concept works and why it can benefit your career, your relationships, and your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. Let us get into it. 

WM: What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?

Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. The first part is telling yourself to, Let them, during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a situation or another person. As soon as you say those two words, you are releasing control of what another person thinks, says, does, believes, and feels. 

Any psychologist will tell you that whenever you try to control something that you can’t, it just creates more stress and frustration and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of my life, I didn’t know this. I mean, I’m a very smart person, but I had no idea that my attempt to control other people and little things that were happening all around me—long lines or traffic or somebody being rude—drained my energy.

Once you say, Let them, you recognize you can’t control what another person thinks, says, or does. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy to try. Then you say, Let me, reminding yourself of the things that are in your control: what you think about another person or situation, what you do or don’t do in response to another person or situation, and what you do in response to your emotions. 

Every time you say, Let them, it’s the ultimate boundary between you and the rest of the world. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. You recognize that your time and energy is worth protecting. Then you say, Let me, and you pull your time and energy back and you get to choose what you do with it. 

If you’re standing in a long line, they’ve got one cash register open, and there are five people in front of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger means you just gave power to that situation. But, you have so much more power when you say, Let them run the store however they want. Let them take some time. And then you come to the let me part: Let me remind myself I can leave. Let me remind myself I can listen to something [while I wait]. Let me remind myself I could call my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate for a minute. You have control over that.

WM: What about dealing with a boss who’s in a bad mood?

MR: Let them be in a bad mood, and remind yourself that you’re not your boss’s mom and their mood is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this is something that’s happening this week or if it’s who this person is. Because if they’re like this all the time, no job is worth coming in and dealing with this. And instead of going home and griping to everybody, it is within your power to find a different place to work. But if you cower to their mood, you give all your power to your boss. 

And I think the bigger thing for your readers is learning how to use this around other people’s opinions. 

WM: Can the Let Them Theory help you care less about other people’s opinions? 

MR: You will always care what other people think. It’s a sign that you’re mentally well, you want to belong, and you want people to like you. That’s a good thing. The issue is when you give more weight to what other people think than you give to what you think about yourself.

Here’s the sad truth. You can’t control what somebody else is ever going to think or do. People might unfollow you, they might roll their eyes, they might smile to your face and then gossip behind your back. And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself and say, Well, I don’t really care what people think, just say to yourself, Let them think something negative. I mean, that’s what you’re afraid of. 

The average person has thousands of thoughts a day, many of which they can barely control. And learning to say, Let them be disappointed, let them unfollow me, let them think something negative, has been liberating because I’m creating space for somebody to think whatever they want. And I’m also acknowledging that I can’t control it anyway. The only thing that I can control is what I think of myself. 

What I found is that the more I just let myself show up in a way that was consistent with what I value and what my goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the less I even thought about what other people were thinking. And here’s why: I actually know the truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know what my intentions are. And so even if I do something out in the world that hurts somebody’s feelings or they misunderstand something, I just let them and then I let me clean it up because that’s not what I intended. But I don’t allow someone else’s opinion or someone else’s disappointment to actually impact how I feel about myself.

WM: How can the Let Them Theory help with decision-making—especially when you’re worried about what other people will think? 

MR: The reason why we don’t make decisions we know in our hearts are right is because we’re afraid of how other people will feel or react. But, most of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate is going to be upset that you want to move in with your partner. Your parents are going to be upset that you want to move across the country or change your major. Your boss is going to be upset if you say you can’t work this weekend. 

I personally believe you know what the right decision is for you. You’re just scared to make it because you don’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. 

This theory will teach you two things can be true at once. Your boss can be disappointed that you can’t take a weekend shift, and you can still be a great employee they deeply respect. Your parents can be upset that you’re moving across the country, and you can still move across the country. Your roommate can be really bummed and give you the cold shoulder and sulk around for a month, and your friendship’s going to be OK. Let them sulk, let them be disappointed, let them be upset. Let adults have their normal emotions. 

WM: But what if you’re a people pleaser who hates disappointing others?

MR: This is something you were [probably] trained to do during your childhood. Well, now it’s time to fucking grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. Because when you say, Let them be disappointed, you’re breaking that pattern. You are separating yourself from another adult’s emotions. You’re recognizing it is not your job to parent other people. Other adults are capable of handling their emotions—if you let them.

Your mother will get over it. Your friend will get over it. Your boss will get over it. So when you say, Let them, you are breaking this pattern of people pleasing. You’re drawing a boundary and you’re separating yourself from this other person. 

Then you say, Let me remind myself I have one job as an adult: to make decisions that make me proud of myself. I’m exhausted from work, and I don’t want to go to a party with 12 people where we’re shouting over the music and I don’t even see my friend. Let me decline the invitation, and let me reach out to my friend and say, “How about I take you out to all the vintage stores we love and out for lunch, my treat, next Saturday?”

WM: OK, but what if the person you disappoint doesn’t get over it? 

MR: Let them! You get to choose whether or not you’re going to give this person time. You get to choose whether or not their emotions are your job. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to prioritize this friendship. And so that’s why you always have power. 

WM: What’s a common mistake you’ve seen people make when trying to implement the Let Them Theory? 

MR: The single biggest mistake people make is they only do step one.

If you don’t say, Let me, it’s very common to feel a little lonely: Let my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. And then you’re going to sit there in your judgment, and that is the biggest danger of this. You have to do the let me part. And a lot of people don’t like this part because this is where you look in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, and you truly have to take responsibility for what you do about it. This is where compassion comes into play.

Let’s say you start to notice you’re the one who makes the effort and people don’t return your calls, they’re not great about texting, or they don’t initiate the plans. Well, you’re going to say, Let them, because getting upset and judging isn’t going to help you, and it makes you stressed. Let them be who they are. They’re revealing who they are and what they care about.

Now you come to the let me part, and you’ve got a lot of things in your control. For example: Let me really look in the mirror and ask myself: What do I value? If you value friendship and family and a social life, then it’s your responsibility to create it. And you get to choose whether or not you continue to pour time into the friendships [that aren’t reciprocal] or if you’re going to take that time and go make new friends as an adult.

You also get to choose, by the way, to look at things with a level of maturity and grace and say, I’m actually friends with a lot of introverted people or a lot of people who don’t have the energy right now to reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is the glue that keeps our family together. 

WM: What’s your advice for people trying to implement this theory into their lives?

MR: Anytime somebody’s annoying you or stressing you out, just say, Let them. You’re going to feel instant freedom and power. Then say, Let me, and remind yourself, I have control here. What do I want to do in response?

If you’re in a very triggering situation or something that is ongoing—like you just broke up and you’re trying to move through heartbreak—you’re going to have to say, Let them walk out the door, let them sleep with other people, let them move on, let them not love me, over and over and over again, because the hurt doesn’t just go away. You need this to respond to emotions that keep rising up. 

WM: And any advice for people who are scared to give up control and just “let them” do their thing?  

MR: I’m going to let you hold onto control. Here’s why: I can’t change you. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. But if you’re sick and tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated and exhausted, this theory will change your life.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025 appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.31.24

9 Not-Awkward Ice Breakers for Work, According to Therapists

We promise these aren’t cringe. BySam Brodsky

You don’t have to be friends with your colleagues, but connecting with them can help you find common ground, learn about each other, and remember that you’re all just humans, says clinical psychologist Marianna Strongin, PsyD. But how? Ice breaker questions for work can help with that. 

These types of conversation starters are meant to break through silence or awkwardness (hence the name) so people can start connecting. In theory, ice breaker questions enable people to let their guards down and see how they’re similar, explains licensed psychologist Richard Orbé-Austin, PhD, who’s also an organizational consultant and career coach. 

Aside from the human connection benefits, learning about your coworkers on a personal level can deepen trust, make you feel safe to share opinions, and reduce stress at work, says Dr. Orbé-Austin. Those perks can motivate you and your team to hit company goals, he adds. All good things.

While they’re meant to free the flow of conversation, anyone who has experienced a round of ice breakers knows they can make things more  awkward. That’s why we asked mental health pros for their favorite not-weird ice breaker questions for work. Here are their go-tos and why they like them for non-cringe office chitchat.

1. What’s something funny you saw on social media this week? 

If you’re chronically online, your group chats or DMs are probably filled with memes, Reels, and TikToks. Why use words when you can sum up how you’re feeling in a six-second, hilariously relatable clip? 

Since these keep you and your friends connected, sharing memes and videos with your colleagues (who are also humans with phones) is a solid ice breaker. Laughing at the same thing feels good. It’s validating when someone shares your sense of humor, Dr. Strongin explains. As a bonus, LOL-ing with your team can boost everyone’s moods and kick off inside jokes you can message about later, she says. 

2. How do you feel about [insert current pop culture moment]?

There’s nothing more chill than giving people a chance to talk about stuff that’s already living rent-free in their brains. That said, we’re not suggesting you dive into the political talk or start debating religion. But chatting about big sports news, a new movie, or the latest internet trend (the dress was  black and blue) can help you bond, says psychotherapist and performance coach, Jonathan Alpert, LPC, LMHC, author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. Sure, there’s always someone with a Hot Take, but the discourse should be mostly friendly banter.

3. What’s one place you’ve always dreamed of visiting and why?

Thanks to Instagram, Airbnb, and pandemic living, we’re all pretty much Rick Steves at this point. That’s why asking a group of coworkers about their ideal vacay opens the floor to casual (and sometimes passionate) conversation. Maybe someone has been to a place you want to go. In that case, you can ask them for more details (is it worth the hype?). You might also chime in with recs for somebody else’s dream trip, says Dr. Strongin. If people wind up booking that voyage, you can continue the convo after they use that PTO, she notes. 

4. What’s one of your favorite memories from work?

Whether it’s a huge accomplishment or something kind of silly, chatting about career highlights of any kind can get the convo flowing in a positive direction. For some, it could be a major promotion, yes, but someone else might reference the surprise engagement party they threw their colleague. Plus, listening to others’ happy mems can help you learn about what matters to your coworkers and reframe what success at work looks like, notes Dr. Orbé-Austin. Whatever people bring up, the vibes will stay high.

5. If you could have another career or job for a day, what would you do?

This ice breaker can give you insight into what people are interested in outside of work, says Dr. Strongin. You might learn that Ben from marketing is an excellent baker. Or, you might realize that you and a coworker you don’t spend much time with both have a passion for photography. That’s cool—and something you can keep discussing later on! 

6. What did you do this weekend?

This question is a low-stakes way to help everyone get to know each other on a more personal level. It’s basic, sure, but it’s a relatively easy one to answer. That keeps the awkwardness to a minimum. Like any good ice breaker question for work, it also enables you to connect on shared interests, says Alpert. Maybe you’ll discover that David shares your love of pointless Target runs or that Beth does half marathons for fun. Go, Beth, go!

7. If you could have a different name, what would it be and why?

A smart ice breaker question gives the respondents an opportunity to share the story behind their answer—and this is one of them, says Dr. Strongin. Maybe someone wanted to be named after their favorite cartoon, or they found out their parents had an alternate name picked out but didn’t use it. Don’t be surprised if everyone’s responses spark more conversation.

8. What’s something no one here knows about you? 

We’ve all heard the “share a fun fact about yourself” prompt. But what counts as ~fun~ can trip people up. That’s why this is slightly more open-ended. The only requirement, as the question suggests, is that no one knew the fact about you before right now. This ice breaker (like all of the ones mentioned) lets you find common ground with your coworkers and get a well-rounded idea of who they are as people, says organizational psychologist Courtney Keim, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Bellarmine University.

Perhaps no one knew that Kevin was a nationally ranked tennis player in high school or Taylor went skydiving with her 80-year-old grandma. It doesn’t have to be shocking or extreme like those though; any new information gets the job done.

9. If today was a skip work day, what would you do?

It’s probably safe to say that nobody’s perfect day involves their job. (Of course, IDK your life.) So the best ice breaker questions for work invite people to disclose what their life is like after hours. That’s the stuff that helps foster connection and enables you to build healthier relationships during your 9-to-5, says Dr. Orbé-Austin. 

Whether the answer is a full-on bed-rot day or involves frolicking in the city, this Q makes space for everyone to talk about what they love doing for fun and the people (or pets) most important to them.

The post 9 Not-Awkward Ice Breakers for Work, According to Therapists appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.23.24

4 Tips for Becoming Rejection-Proof, From a Life Coach Who Helps People Do This Every Day

Gotta risk it for the biscuit. BySusie Moore

My first full-time job was as a receptionist at a Volkswagen dealership, but I had my sights set on the sales team. They had freedom from their desks, and their success was reflected in the money they made. I spent every spare moment shadowing them, helping their clients, and absorbing all the knowledge I could (never mind that I completely neglected my receptionist duties).

So, when I was called to my boss’s office two months after starting, I felt a surge of adrenaline. This is it! I thought. I’m getting promoted! I was sure someone must have noticed my initiative. I excitedly strode up the stairs to the boss’s office. Should I negotiate? Will this be an immediate transition? What about getting business cards? Stay gracious, Susie. Shoulders back!

My high vibe was thrown off a cliff the second I sat down. “Susie, there’s no easy way to say this—we’re letting you go. You’re not doing the job we hired you for.” I cried after I left the building. I was too embarrassed to tell my coworkers I’d been fired. 

Seeing rejection as redirection 

When I called the headhunter who’d placed me in the position, I told the truth: “I don’t think I’m cut out for admin work, not even as a stepping stone.” I was surprised when she agreed. And—get this—she immediately hired me for a sales role at her firm. I was actually rejected into a better job. That moment became a turning point in my adult life. I learned not to label rejection as “bad” so quickly. I had more trust that things often work out.

That sales role helped me land a new gig at a larger recruitment company—and, eventually, I was hired for two more big roles I wasn’t necessarily the most qualified for. Despite the risk of rejection, going after what I wanted continued to pay off. 

By the time I was 30, I started reflecting on my goals. I enjoyed and appreciated my job, but I knew it wasn’t my life’s work. I wanted to help people progress, problem-solve, and make big strides forward in their lives. I wanted to be a life coach.

At that point, the life coaching industry was still pretty new. Not everyone knew what a coach was or why you might hire one (“Cool, what sport?” was a question I got more than once). Some of the most successful coaches were well-known authors and seminar leaders who were oceans ahead of me. Rejection felt like a not-impossible fate. 

Like any career change I’d made in the past, I knew this one would make me vulnerable to others’ opinions about what I had to offer. Still, I reasoned, the worst-case scenario was ending up back in a sales role. And if that was the worst outcome, I was already living my worst-case life. Rejection was worth the risk.

So I signed up for life coaching classes at New York University. After nearly a decade of coaching, I’ve helped thousands of clients face rejection, rebound, and get after their goals no matter the setback. Here are my tried-and-true tips for rejection-proofing your life. 

1. Notice when you’re the one doing the rejecting.  

You’ve probably already rejected someone today. Maybe you ignored a text, canceled plans, dismissed someone’s idea, declined an invitation, forgot to invite a friend to a party, zoned out during a conversation, scrolled past a friend’s Instagram post, or just avoided eye contact with someone.

For the most part, it’s all pretty harmless. And yet, when we feel rejected, we rarely see it in the same innocuous way. Instead, we spiral, overthinking it for hours. 

It’s like the time I was ghosted by a new friend. We were supposed to meet up on a recent trip of mine (I picked the cutest outfit!). But in the days leading up to lunch, she went radio silent. The cells in my body recalled the sting of being snubbed. Then I remembered that her silence probably had nothing to do with me—and I snapped out of it.

Weeks later, I received a heartbreaking WhatsApp apology from her. She’d been going through a miscarriage. 

It goes to show how wrong our assumptions can be when someone lets us down. We don’t always know the whole story, so we can’t assume we were ignored or fired or ditched because we’re despicable and everyone hates us. Instead of believing the worst, why not give everyone the benefit of the doubt? Shit happens.

2. Start collecting rejections.  

I consider all rejections proof of something, so I treasure each one. You went for it! You tried something new! You were brave! Every “no” is a testament to you and something to be proud of. Bravo! 

Because I celebrate the courage to act more than the outcome, I love to set up “rejection challenges” in my work as a life coach. To complete the challenge, my clients have to be rejected 10 times within one week. Whether you get a win along the way or not, collecting your rejections like little trophies helps you separate your self-worth from the setbacks. You see them as a part of the process—not the end result.

And when you keep taking action, what once seemed impossible suddenly becomes possible! Thanks to my challenge, one client got her first paid speaking gig. Another had an incredible day shadowing a TV producer friend (she wants to get into the entertainment biz). One saved $300 asking for a Memorial Day sale to be extended to her outdoor furniture purchase. You can’t win without the possibility of failure. 

3. Think of what rejection might be moving you toward.

When my boss gave me the boot, he found a suitable receptionist for the company, and I was redirected toward a career path that was more aligned with my abilities and interests. It was an eventual double win.

There are so many examples like this throughout our lives, and I see it all the time. One of my life coaching clients was devastated when her fiancé called off their wedding. But she soon fell in love with someone wonderful she met getting her Master of Business Administration degree. They now have a daughter and live happily abroad.

My husband was disappointed for weeks when he wasn’t chosen for a lateral position within the bank where he worked. Not long afterward, he was approached for a better role that led us to New York City! His rejection was the catalyst for our next chapter. 

In my experience working with thousands of clients (and within my own life), rejections and setbacks are often a nudge in the right direction. This can sound annoyingly optimistic when we’re going through it. We want what we want when we want it. But it’s soothing to remember that a delay isn’t necessarily a denial. Give it time.

4. Do a vulnerability cost-benefit analysis.

In the early days of building my life coaching business and marketing myself to potential clients, I knew I had to post videos to YouTube and create social media content to reach my audience. But, even with a healthy relationship with rejection, I was nervous. I worried about negative comments and trolls. 

Around that time, I received some strength from a surprising source: Kris Jenner. I interviewed Kris for an article I wrote as a freelancer. When it went live, she Tweeted it and tagged me. While the shoutout was amazing, I was more preoccupied with the flood of comments. I’ve never read such disgusting commentary in my life. I thought, Trolls happen to everyone. Kris shakes it off and launches a new brand by lunchtime.

That experience led to an epiphany: The key to pressing on is having something more important than fear in the driver’s seat. So, instead of avoiding vulnerability, I weighed the benefits of posting content against the risk of doing it. I asked myself, Is this worth being rejected for? In the end, my goal (succeeding as a life coach) was more important than my sensitivity. 

Susie Moore hosts the top-rated podcast, Let It Be Easy.

The post 4 Tips for Becoming Rejection-Proof, From a Life Coach Who Helps People Do This Every Day appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 10.11.24

How Coming Out Changed My Relationship With My Body

TikTok creator and host of the Made It Out podcast Mal Glowenke explains the ripple effect of being true to herself. ByMal Glowenke

I’ve known since I was very little that I take zero interest in boys. I always married the girls during our neighborhood play pretend wedding ceremonies, and it wasn’t until I moved to Texas in the second grade that I started to feel like that was wrong.

My gayness, an affront to the heteronormative, Christian lifestyle in the sheltered Texas suburbia I grew up in, never had a fighting chance. I couldn’t even consider what I thought my sexual identity to be before survival instinct unconsciously took over. In a culture that didn’t embrace individuality, conformity became my hard wiring. 

I wondered, If who I am isn’t correct, then what is? I desperately searched outside myself to find my identity. What I discovered was the perfect storm of “traditional family values” and ’90s diet culture. It became obvious to me that the person I should become was a pretty, skinny blonde who married an average man and became a mother by 25. 

In hindsight it’s easy to see how I allowed my childhood bubble to influence my whole identity. It grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to turn my back on the beautiful, wide open, rainbow road I was destined to be cruising down.

Unfortunately, denying my queerness led to a cascade of self-suppression and self-destruction—and my body bore the brunt of it.

Fighting my identity

As I set out to become that perfect straight woman, actively denying who I really was created endless internal conflict. That struggle, fueled by an environment focused on diet and exercise, led to what I now understand as binge eating disorder.

Around the age of 15, I was trapped in a vicious cycle with food, desperate for something to control. I’d go to the drive through, order enough to justify my last “bad” meal, and vow to count every calorie from then on. I’d restrict myself to certain foods for weeks before breaking down. That turned into another binge and the cycle would begin again. 

In an attempt to break the pattern, I turned to amphetamines and became enamored with the pills that helped me restrict. Over time, I developed a dependence that would last well into my twenties. 

In my late teens and early twenties, I leaned deeper into the promise that happiness would come after I had the perfect body, a man, and a white picket fence. While I was still obsessed with becoming smaller, I started to orient my appearance to the male gaze. Studying what turned a man on or away became my obsession. I was sure that once I looked the way straight men wanted to see me, everything would be fixed. I would never have to deal with my feelings toward women or feel unsatisfied with my life.

Of course, my preoccupation with appeasing the male gaze just encouraged more dissatisfaction with my appearance. By 23, I began taking more drastic measures, ushering in my elective surgery era. One quick google search had me booking a breast augmentation.

I arrived on the day of surgery to meet the doctor for the first time (do not do this) and chose an implant size moments before going under. I went into surgery as a B cup and woke up a DDD. The perceived ease at which this changed my body and people’s view of it had me craving more. It wasn’t long before I received liposuction on almost every major area of my body and underwent a Brazilian Butt Lift. 

I dressed my new body in tight dresses and high heels and chased man after man. I hoped they’d be the one to complete the misguided picture I’d attempted to paint for years. 

At that time, I never considered that being a lesbian was an option. Despite the fact that I kissed girls in bars, fantasized about them, and even secretly met up with other curious women from the internet to experiment with, I still bought into the promise of heteronormativity. 

Hitting my breaking point

Around the age of 25, my body began signaling a misalignment, manifesting symptoms that demanded attention no matter how long I ran from them. When I tried to ignore or silence them, they only got louder. The surgeries were catching up to me, causing numbness all over my body and complete loss of sensation in my nipples, and the pressure from my implants began to impact my breathing. 

My mental health was also in decline. My relationship to food was worse than it had ever been before. And I found myself scrolling through dating apps for countless hours, matching and chatting with men for small hits of validation. 

My dad has instilled in me that when something isn’t working, you need to make a change. The shift can be big or small, but the goal is “pattern interruption,” as he calls it. So, at 25, I decided it was time to pack up my entire life and move to Los Angeles on what most would call a whim. 

Within weeks of being in my new city, I learned that there’s something undeniably liberating about starting anew in a place where you’re a complete stranger. It felt like shedding my skin, leaving the baggage of the past behind and stepping into a world of possibility. I got the sense that this was a unique opportunity to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. 

The first thing I did upon settling in LA was add women as an option to my dating apps. I hoped to find another secret hookup, but I wound up on a seven-hour date with a lesbian. That night, I felt more seen and understood than I had my entire life. Being around someone who identified as an out lesbian made me realize that it was a real possibility for me. It was the first time I even considered it.

This is what I now refer to as my “gay panic” moment. I was shocked to realize there was no turning back. I am gay, and I always have been. 

Even though this moment brought so much relief and excitement for the future it also brought the fear of leaving everything I had ever thought to be right behind. This was the beginning of an unraveling.   

Making amends with my body

Being able to enjoy sex with a woman openly and freely was daunting after hiding my desires for 27 years. Surrendering to something that was labeled wrong or shameful by the heteronormative, conservative, relgious community I was raised in went against my instincts. But once I gave in, that was it. 

Part of that was because sex finally made sense to me. After years of listening to women talk about it and never relating to a word, I finally understood. When I slept with a woman, I felt real pleasure for the first time. It was uninhibited and guilt-free pleasure. 

That experience opened me up to a world of possibility. What else had I been denying myself based on other people’s expectations and religious standards I never agreed with? 

Coming out and living authentically gave me a deeper understanding of just how much I’d done to my body out of obligation and validation seeking. I was so caught up in pleasing others and attempting to meet their criteria, I never felt the agency to say no to them or yes to myself. Instead of giving my body what it wanted or needed, I chased an idealized, hetero version of me that made everyone else happy. 

That self-sacrifice made it easy for my disordered eating to take over. It also made impulsively altering my body with surgical procedures a no-brainer. Conformity trumped authenticity at every turn. 

But, ultimately, embracing my sexuality was the catalyst to radically accepting every part of myself. It quieted the noise telling me to change, making it easier to hear my own desires. That gave me the clarity to finally address my disordered eating and find internal sources of self-worth.

I started by mourning how I’d treated my body up to this point. I sat with my anger, sorrow, and regret and gained a deeper understanding of what parts of myself were truly important to me. Turns out, being pretty, blonde, and skinny weren’t actually at the top of my list. 

Letting go of those standards helped loosen my need for control over what I ate. Before I came out, I thought having the perfect body (and a man and suburban Texas life) would lead to happiness. But when I let that idea go, my mindset shifted. I didn’t feel compelled to punish my body in the pursuit of an ideal I no longer subscribed to. While it wasn’t an instant fix for my disordered eating, it kicked off a healing process that eventually led me to talk to my therapist about my relationship with food and my body.

I also underwent explant surgery two years after coming out. It became obvious that the alterations I made to my body were the last piece of my straight identity I needed to shed to fully move on. Afterward, a literal and figurative weight was lifted off of my chest. 

Coming out has been the single most profound thing I have ever experienced. It has helped me restore my relationship to myself, teaching me to rely on my inner knowing and forgive my missteps. Overall, being true to myself has forced me out of deep neglect and disconnection into a life centered on self-love. 

But queer people aren’t the only ones who can come back home to themselves. I encourage anyone to think about what aspects of yourself you’ve been denying or neglecting. When you’re ready, lean into the parts you’ve been trying to hide from. Own them, embrace them in broad daylight, shout them from the rooftops. Find your own rainbow road and take the next exit onto it.

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