Essay Link Copied 02.06.25

7 Distractions That Make My Winter Anxiety More Bearable

Behold, Jake Shane’s guide to escapism. ByJake Shane

As the days grow shorter and the air becomes sharper, it’s only natural for many of us to feel mentally taxed. At least, I’ve always struggled with staying inside and slowing down in the winter. As someone with extreme anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I often ruminate on negative thoughts and let my anxiety win when I have too much time to think. 

It’s strange because, even when things begin to go well for me, winter somehow brings this sense of catastrophe I can’t escape. I begin to feel uncomfortable in my body, and all I want to do is sleep. It must be the cold air that begs me not to move my body, bringing me back to that sense of insecurity I had in high school.

While I take medication for my mental health symptoms, there’s only so much big pharma can do to save me from The Dark Ages (see: November through March). That’s why, over the years, I’ve come up with a few reliable ways to get relief from the negativity—or at least channel it into something else. 

Winter is always tough, but 2025 has been tougher than usual. So, if you’re in need of a little assist, feel free to borrow one of my strategies for coping. As with everything, this winter too will pass.

Throw yourself into a TV show.

It’s funny because I actually don’t know if bingeing a show and rotting on your couch is the healthiest way to go about seasonal depression. But, hey, if it works, it works. And, for me, it fucking works. 

When I find a TV show I love—especially in the winter—I completely immerse myself in that world. Last year, it was Girls. In case you missed it, the show follows four young women navigating their 20s in Brooklyn, New York. Between seasons one and six, I completely became the show. Even if it was just for brief 30-minute interludes, I forgot about the wallowing depression I was accustomed to during most Decembers. 

A few years back, my winter show was the German science fiction series called Dark (on Netflix).  I don’t even know how to explain the plot or why it was so incredible, but just please trust me and watch it. I would talk to an inanimate object about this show.

It’s not every year that a show becomes my personality. We can only be so lucky. But trying to find my next TV obsession has started to feel like playing the lottery this time of year. When I find one I like, and it has multiple seasons, it’s an adrenaline rush. 

Listen to a comfort album.

Ever since I was a kid, I always found solace in music. Though it wasn’t until the Covid winter of 2021 that music changed how I existed—especially amid my winter blues. Back then, I started walking and listening to Taylor Swift’s evermore album front to back. I learned that immersing myself in one of my favorite albums was a simple way to add more predictability to the darker months. I didn’t know what would happen to me tomorrow (anxiety fuel), but I knew that after “gold rush” came “‘tis the damn season.” That was more than enough. 

When you know an album from front to back you know that for the next however many minutes, you are transporting into another world entirely. Unlike a new show, in this one, you know what has happened, what is happening, and what’s next. That’s very soothing.

I’ve spent a lot of this winter thinking about how lonely I am (sorry), and immersing myself in one of my favorite albums (Ryan Beatty’s 2023 masterpiece, Calico) helps me pretend I am not. It’s an escape, even for a second.

If you’re looking for options, I’d suggest starting with Taylor Swift. I don’t even know if I need to explain why, but I will. Listening to Taylor’s work is like sitting in English class all over again—and I mean that in the best way possible. With 10 albums and 20 years of pure musical history, there’s always a line you’re missing or a melody you haven’t nuzzled your brain into yet.  

Also, being part of the Swifties is really fun. It’s a community full of easter eggs, which are always a joy to speculate on—even if they’re never correct.

Move your body.

I struggle with how I view my body, and I always have. In years past, my body dysmorphia grew so intense during the winter months that I could barely get out of bed—let alone work out. It got to the point where I was uncomfortable moving at all because I hated my body so much.

And I used to scoff at people who said working out was like medicine. I didn’t get it. However, I’ve since learned never to underestimate the power of moving my body. 

This year specifically, I’ve continued my warm-weather streak of working out. Without fail, every single time I do it, I feel better than before I started. Even if it’s just a walk. I’m grateful to myself for that. 

Become a cinephile.

With the Oscars coming in at the end of winter (March!), there’s no better time to catch up on movies. More specifically, the movies that made noise this past year. Similar to throwing yourself into a television show, movies provide a space to lose yourself—with much less commitment. 

Because one of my goals for 2025 is to be an intellectual, I like to watch these films as if I’m back in school, analyzing the details and hidden meanings. Again, it feels like I’m back in English class. 

Maybe you’re noticing a theme here. I think I always loved English class because, despite the weather, I could escape into art. Analyzing literature and media allowed me to enter worlds that were not my own. I could leave my body for a short while.  Plus, if I’m feeling outgoing, I can hop on Letterboxd, a social media platform for people to talk about movies with fellow cinephiles. That’s always enjoyable.

For example, I watched Anora the other night and have hyperfixated so much that Anora has become my entire personality. I’ve decided that I will personally fund Mikey Madison’s campaign for Best Actress at the Oscars. Is this productive at all? Probably not. Am I thinking about my looming depression over these next few months? Also no. 

Cook something.

As someone who has struggled with debilitating anxiety since I was young, cooking always provided a sense of relief. I was still anxious, but in a different way. I wasn’t anxious about my friends leaving me or my family getting sick, I was anxious about burning the chicken. Weirdly, this kind of anxiety made me feel better. While I’m cooking, I follow a recipe and finish with a satisfying result. 

If you can’t cook though, watch The Bear on Hulu. You’ll get that same anxious-about-cooking-and-nothing-else feeling without the mess. 

Sleep.

OK, it’s easy to overdo this one—and I do. But when the winter blues hit hard, just fucking sleep. Going to bed is one of the best feelings in the entire world, well, until my anxieties infiltrate my dreams. Still, when I wake up, I automatically feel better.  

What feels better than sleep at night? A fucking nap during the day. Pop a squat on the couch, put on the TV, put away your phone, and close your eyes. Waking up and realizing you fast-forwarded through an otherwise long day is another great feeling in the Dark Times.

Also, don’t feel bad about it. When you wake up, you’ll be refreshed and a few steps closer to warmer days. While it’s not the healthiest coping mechanism, sometimes it’s the only thing that works. 

Find gratitude.

This one seems hard, and it is. However, sometimes life forces you to do it. When I was in Los Angeles during the wildfires, I was in my normal selfish winter routine, and I was forced to look outward. While I had to evacuate, my house and loved ones were safe. I was grateful—a feeling I often forget to seek out.

This year I learned that practicing gratitude, no matter the situation, is always a grounding exercise. It’s one that helps us remember that, even at rock bottom, there’s something to love. 

The post 7 Distractions That Make My Winter Anxiety More Bearable appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 01.31.25

How to Care for Yourself in the Waiting

There will always be a part of you that reaches toward what might one day be. ByBrianna Wiest

If you think back to the moments you feel most nostalgic about, most sunken-hearted to realize have passed, you will often find that they are not the milestone moments that summed up that chapter in your life, but the quiet hours that actually defined it.

Your favorite song, and how it sounded, and where it brings you to listen to those verses again. The little routines you established for yourself. The little corners of the world that temporarily became home, and the people there with you. The ones you found joy with in the empty hours, in the smallest and most unsuspecting ways. That is the essence of what would ultimately define that era of your life, that made life actually feel lived.

It is easy to get trapped inside the illusion of constant forward-thinking.

To think that if our eyes do not remain fixed on the horizon at all times, we will never go anywhere. To an extent, that is true. But what is also true is that if we only think of our lives as a series of things we’re trying to get to, and then periods we have to endure in order to arrive there, we often come to find that the majority of our days are overshadowed by a kind of emptiness we can’t always describe or understand.

We look to those benchmark moments—going back to school, landing the job, stumbling upon someone we come to care about in so many different ways—often as a way of escaping discomfort. The kind of discomfort that has little to do with the fact that we are still in-between where we have been and where we are going, but is actually an unmovable part of being human. The kind of discomfort we have to refine our attention to embrace and then become discerning about.

There will always be something to worry about, something that is undone or unfinished.

There will always be something that is not quite yet, or not all there, or close but not close enough. There will always be something within that realm because there will always be a part of you that is open and hungry and ready for more. There will always be a part of you that reaches toward what might one day be.

But you cannot allow it to eclipse the part of you that sometimes doesn’t realize you’ve landed in the things you were once reaching for.

If we do not gradually train ourselves to notice, to pay attention, to carve out spaces where we nestle ourselves into our lives just as they are, and make them feel like home, we spend eternity on a trajectory that allows us to postpone not only our joy, but also, our inner work. Our reconciliation with ourselves. If we are only just waiting for the next big thing to fall into place to put our shoulders down, we are probably also waiting until that point to clean up the aspects of our lives that most need our attention.

The waiting periods of our lives are not only to be dealt with, but they are also to be embraced.

Within them, the most beautiful things of all often emerge.

This is the time life has given you to self-invest. This is the time life has given you to be alone, and when you get to be alone, you get to experience who you really are. You get to hear the sound of your own voice, the pull and push of your own intuition, your own opinion, your own truth. Unaltered from how you think you must be for others, in the very times when you think you have been abandoned, you have often been given the gift to be set free. This is the time life has given you to decide what version of you is going to meet that future you’re waiting for when it eventually, and inevitably, arrives. 

This is the time when you’re going to define the depth of your bandwidth, of your ability to receive and hold and be. If you don’t practice on the small things, when the big things arrive, they never fully reach you. They never completely land. This is because you were never really waiting on one more thing to come into the picture to feel at peace. You were waiting on your own readiness, your own capacity to notice a good thing when it’s there, and before it’s gone.

The point is that the waiting period is also the landing plane of a past waiting period you never thought you’d get through, you feared would never come. The point is that the waiting period is also the place where the most unexpected and beautiful aspects of your story can and will unfold. The point is that you don’t know what you don’t know. 

Very few of us actually make it through all of our years and discover the timeline unfolded in perfect accordance with our initial expectations of it. None of us, in fact. But therein lies the magic. Because in the space where you weren’t given what you wanted, you were handed what you needed. In the time you were given before the next thing came, you grew. You expanded. You changed. And if you use that time to become a version of yourself that is more authentic, the things you will find yourself reaching for will change as well.

You must have enough resolve to know you’re not unconsciously going through the dance of life and getting judged and graded upon your performance.

You’re engineering something that’s never existed before, because no being exactly like you has ever been here before or will ever be again. Within this instant, and within you, there is something that can be uncovered, and you may never have the exact same opportunity to do so again.

Will you meet this moment with your full chest?

The post How to Care for Yourself in the Waiting appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.22.25

Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No

“When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor's cousin’s little sister's birthday party." ByCasey Gueren

When you stop to consider her incredible career—spanning several decades and creative mediums—it’s hard to imagine Kristin Chenoweth ever sitting down, let alone resting. And she’s the first to admit that it’s something she’s struggled with over the years. 

“I’m an adrenaline junkie,” Chenoweth tells Wondermind, in the calm and grounded tone of someone who has clearly done some self-reflection on the matter. “I do best under pressure—that’s where I really shine. That’s probably why I like a live audience and performing live best.” 

Whether you know Chenoweth from her iconic stage performances, countless film and TV roles, singing, writing, or hilarious cooking videos on social media, there’s a very strong chance you’ve been inspired by her work at least once (and probably much more than that). As the original Glinda in Wicked, Chenoweth is Broadway royalty, and she’s gearing up for a return to the stage this year in the new musical Queen of Versailles. 

But despite her seemingly nonstop career, Chenoweth says she’s been prioritizing self-care more and more lately. It’s a habit that’s become even more crucial after what she describes as “crashing and burning” two years ago, thanks to her packed schedule. 

Here, Chenoweth shares how her outlook on mental health and rest changed over the course of her career, how she prepared emotionally and physically to revisit Wicked more than 20 years later, and the advice she wishes she could give her younger self.  

WM: How are you today, really? 

Kristin Chenoweth: Well, today we’re watching California burn. I was a resident of California for 24 years, and some of my friends have lost their homes. So how I’m feeling today is grateful. I’m in a prayerful mood because that’s what I tend to do when things like this happen. 

WM: You’re someone who has been so outspoken about mental health—in interviews, a Super Bowl commercial, and your last book. Were you always this comfortable talking about mental health? 

KC: I never felt really safe talking about depression. Because, remember, my era was: Suck it up, buttercup. Pull up your big girl panties. Leave the tears on the pillow when you’re by yourself. And I grew up very much doing that. I think that fed into a problem with perfectionism and an eating disorder and depression. Just the perfect little storm of your average nightmare is me. 

There’s a misconception about me that everything’s perfect and rainbows and pink. And you know what? I am overall happy, but I do battle—just like millions of people in the world—with depression. And nobody wants to hear my problems because I have a good life, right? A lot of people don’t understand what’s going on behind the scenes. 

The truth is, this generation is allowing me to say: You don’t have to suck it up, buttercup. You don’t have to save your tears for when you’re by yourself. It’s OK to be sad. A lot of people go through it. You’re not alone. All of these things have really helped me the past several years since our world has been in upheaval. And so I’m grateful for what I’m learning from the younger generation. 

WM: Has your perspective on rest also changed over the course of your career?

KC: Being from the South, there was often a feeling of: You rest when you deserve it. You have downtime once you’ve done your work. If you don’t get your work done, there is no downtime. Rest has almost been equated with laziness. What I’ve come to really understand is, it’s just like they say on the plane: You’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on first. And for years, I put everybody else’s oxygen mask on. 

I’ve been working so hard for so long because I don’t just do one thing—I’m blessed enough to be able to sing and act and be a host and make records and do Broadway and write. And I love this. But because I don’t just do one thing, I have a lot to get done and a lot of people to pay, and I take that responsibility very seriously. And then who suffers is me. 

What happened is I crashed and burned, had two seizures, and ended up in the hospital—literally from my schedule. There were a couple of other problems, but really the schedule was the big thing. When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor’s cousin’s little sister’s birthday party, because I love people. But what happens is when you start giving so much of yourself out, you’ve got nothing left. And this is, I’m sure, a very common theme that comes up here. 

I’m still retraining my brain to know that I deserve to sit on my couch today with no makeup and hair and a T-shirt with no pants, and watch the news and take a beat and feel what I need to feel. I’m very empathic—like a lot of artists are—and as I’m watching the fires lately, I’m just devastated. So I’m going to do that, and it’s OK. Rest is OK. Getting a massage isn’t just a reward after you’ve done amazing things—the massage should be along the way because I have a bad neck and a bad knee. 

These are things you’ve got to do to take care of yourself, Kristin. If you don’t, you will give yourself seizures and end up in a place where you have to take three months off where nobody gets paid and you’re just resting and dealing with your own crap. So I’d like to not get there again. And since that time, I’ve been working very diligently with some tools that have helped me figure that out.

WM: Speaking of lessons learned over the last few decades, what was it like revisiting Wicked after all this time in a completely new way? How did you prepare emotionally and physically to be involved in this production and press tour? 

KC: It was amazing. I’m a part of something in my career that lasts, and not a lot of artists can say that. I’m grateful to have something attached to my name forever. And my girl [Ariana Grande] is playing the part I created, and I wanted that. And my other girl [Cynthia Erivo] is playing the other most amazing part. And then me and Idina [Menzel] are watching this go on and we’re holding each other’s hands. 

That all being said, it’s very layered for me. I’m so happy with how it is. But the very real, honest truth is: Oh my gosh, I hope they remember us. That’s a very vulnerable thing to say. Because I’m human. But at the same time, I’m evolved enough to know that part of the fun of having been here a minute is getting to watch somebody who admires and loves you want to make you proud. Just like I did in the past with people I’ve looked up to—Carol Burnett, Sandi Patty, Julie Andrews, Dolly Parton.

When you’re putting a new Broadway show together, not everything’s fun. It’s a lot of pressure. It’s very creative. It can be wonky. You’re trying things out in front of the audience that’s not buying it, and then you’ve got to change it and try something else. It was stressful. But because of the work that we all did, now they have this movie, and I’m so very proud of it. 

Some people asked, “Does it feel weird to you that you’re not the part [of Glinda]?” And I said, “I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t play that part again, so it doesn’t make me sad that I’m not playing it.” Very frankly, I thought it was a lovely gesture that they reached out to Idina and I and had us in it.  

WM: What are some tools that you lean on to help you during a particularly busy season like the one you just had? 

KC: This fall was a warning sign to me. I was getting back into some old habits that I want to avoid so I don’t have to stop for three months. One of the things I learned is that, while I’m a big prayer person, meditation is a different skill. So I do my prayer and I also do meditation, which really helps me. That’s actually a really big one. 

Obviously I’m a person that does therapy—I’m a big believer in that. As a Christian woman, you grow up hearing the only therapist you need is God. And the way I view it now is: God made these people interested in people like me to help me with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and getting through life with the way it is. And so, yeah, He is my best friend, but therapy helps. 

I have a core group of people that are my people that understand and love me no matter what, and I rely on them. I have a very real relationship with my mom and dad. We don’t mince words. We talk for real. And that’s helpful. 

And I always go back to the music. I tell people all the time who suffer with depression or bipolar or personality stuff or just all of it: Go back to the thing that you love—whether you get paid a lot of money to do it or zero money to do it. For me, that’s music.

WM: If you could wave a wand and speak with your younger self, what advice would you give her? 

KC: Oh, there’s so many. But the main one that sticks out is that, in my job, I’ve been injured pretty severely a couple times, and rushing back to work has caused me more pain. 

[I wish I could go back and tell myself]: “A set piece nearly killed you, don’t worry about going into work with your face rearranged. You have cracked ribs, you have broken teeth, you have a skull fracture.” 

I didn’t want anyone to see fear and I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t going to be on top of my game. And that’s happened a couple times throughout my career with Broadway, dancing, being on set. I’ve had some injury and it has caused me a lot of pain. I wish I could have just said: “I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m going to heal properly first.” 

WM: What advice would you give to people who are struggling to slow down and take time for themselves? 

KC: Something I’m working on now and is a constant work in progress is this: Be OK with saying no. That can mean saying no to a visit to your friend’s house at five o’clock because you don’t want to do the traffic and you’re tired, you’ve had a long day. It can be: I don’t want to take this movie because I need to be with my parents who are elderly and I need to help them move. Don’t be afraid to say no. 

I would also say find your higher power. It doesn’t have to be God. That’s just what works for me. Find your higher power and lean into it, because the only thing we can take with us is our spirit. That’s what we came on this Earth with: our spirit. 

Take care of yourself first. It’s not selfish, because then you can be the best version of you for all the people that you know and love that you want to be there for. Easier said than done, though.

And I will leave you with this one thing: For me, rescuing an animal has been the best thing. I’m looking at her now. I’m a very scared flyer and I have to fly two or three times a week. My dog knows I’m scared and knows I can have seizures sometimes and is with me. My dog can look at me and be like, I got you. When I had my first seizure at home, she would not leave my side. I would encourage, if people are in a place where they can adopt a pet, it could be—if they are prepared—one of the best decisions they’ve ever made.   

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.21.25

The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025

Control freaks, this one’s for you! BySam Brodsky

Your friends hung out without you. Your dad judges your job. The traffic? Freaking horrible. These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, angry, or stressed out. (Probably all the above, if you’re being honest.) But, according to author and podcast host Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory can help you rise above it all. 

The idea is that what’s done is done: Your pals didn’t think to (or want to) invite you, you can’t magically change your dad’s mind, and you cannot bibbidi-bobbidi-boo bumper-to-bumper delays. But you can talk to your friends about your FOMO (or prioritize other connections), focus on all the things you love about your career, and use your travel delays to call someone back (safely, on speakerphone). 

Sounds simple enough, though there’s a bit more to it. And that’s the subject of Robbins’ newest self-help book, The Let Them Theory, which she co-wrote with her daughter Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time worrying about what other people do or think sounds a little familiar, that’s because it is, says Robbins. The concept of giving up control has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. 

Here, Robbins explains how this concept works and why it can benefit your career, your relationships, and your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. Let us get into it. 

WM: What is the Let Them Theory, and how does it work?

Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. The first part is telling yourself to, Let them, during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a situation or another person. As soon as you say those two words, you are releasing control of what another person thinks, says, does, believes, and feels. 

Any psychologist will tell you that whenever you try to control something that you can’t, it just creates more stress and frustration and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of my life, I didn’t know this. I mean, I’m a very smart person, but I had no idea that my attempt to control other people and little things that were happening all around me—long lines or traffic or somebody being rude—drained my energy.

Once you say, Let them, you recognize you can’t control what another person thinks, says, or does. Therefore, it is not worth your time and energy to try. Then you say, Let me, reminding yourself of the things that are in your control: what you think about another person or situation, what you do or don’t do in response to another person or situation, and what you do in response to your emotions. 

Every time you say, Let them, it’s the ultimate boundary between you and the rest of the world. It is an act of self-love and self-protection. You recognize that your time and energy is worth protecting. Then you say, Let me, and you pull your time and energy back and you get to choose what you do with it. 

If you’re standing in a long line, they’ve got one cash register open, and there are five people in front of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger means you just gave power to that situation. But, you have so much more power when you say, Let them run the store however they want. Let them take some time. And then you come to the let me part: Let me remind myself I can leave. Let me remind myself I can listen to something [while I wait]. Let me remind myself I could call my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate for a minute. You have control over that.

WM: What about dealing with a boss who’s in a bad mood?

MR: Let them be in a bad mood, and remind yourself that you’re not your boss’s mom and their mood is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this is something that’s happening this week or if it’s who this person is. Because if they’re like this all the time, no job is worth coming in and dealing with this. And instead of going home and griping to everybody, it is within your power to find a different place to work. But if you cower to their mood, you give all your power to your boss. 

And I think the bigger thing for your readers is learning how to use this around other people’s opinions. 

WM: Can the Let Them Theory help you care less about other people’s opinions? 

MR: You will always care what other people think. It’s a sign that you’re mentally well, you want to belong, and you want people to like you. That’s a good thing. The issue is when you give more weight to what other people think than you give to what you think about yourself.

Here’s the sad truth. You can’t control what somebody else is ever going to think or do. People might unfollow you, they might roll their eyes, they might smile to your face and then gossip behind your back. And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself and say, Well, I don’t really care what people think, just say to yourself, Let them think something negative. I mean, that’s what you’re afraid of. 

The average person has thousands of thoughts a day, many of which they can barely control. And learning to say, Let them be disappointed, let them unfollow me, let them think something negative, has been liberating because I’m creating space for somebody to think whatever they want. And I’m also acknowledging that I can’t control it anyway. The only thing that I can control is what I think of myself. 

What I found is that the more I just let myself show up in a way that was consistent with what I value and what my goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the less I even thought about what other people were thinking. And here’s why: I actually know the truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know what my intentions are. And so even if I do something out in the world that hurts somebody’s feelings or they misunderstand something, I just let them and then I let me clean it up because that’s not what I intended. But I don’t allow someone else’s opinion or someone else’s disappointment to actually impact how I feel about myself.

WM: How can the Let Them Theory help with decision-making—especially when you’re worried about what other people will think? 

MR: The reason why we don’t make decisions we know in our hearts are right is because we’re afraid of how other people will feel or react. But, most of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate is going to be upset that you want to move in with your partner. Your parents are going to be upset that you want to move across the country or change your major. Your boss is going to be upset if you say you can’t work this weekend. 

I personally believe you know what the right decision is for you. You’re just scared to make it because you don’t want to deal with other people’s emotions. 

This theory will teach you two things can be true at once. Your boss can be disappointed that you can’t take a weekend shift, and you can still be a great employee they deeply respect. Your parents can be upset that you’re moving across the country, and you can still move across the country. Your roommate can be really bummed and give you the cold shoulder and sulk around for a month, and your friendship’s going to be OK. Let them sulk, let them be disappointed, let them be upset. Let adults have their normal emotions. 

WM: But what if you’re a people pleaser who hates disappointing others?

MR: This is something you were [probably] trained to do during your childhood. Well, now it’s time to fucking grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. Because when you say, Let them be disappointed, you’re breaking that pattern. You are separating yourself from another adult’s emotions. You’re recognizing it is not your job to parent other people. Other adults are capable of handling their emotions—if you let them.

Your mother will get over it. Your friend will get over it. Your boss will get over it. So when you say, Let them, you are breaking this pattern of people pleasing. You’re drawing a boundary and you’re separating yourself from this other person. 

Then you say, Let me remind myself I have one job as an adult: to make decisions that make me proud of myself. I’m exhausted from work, and I don’t want to go to a party with 12 people where we’re shouting over the music and I don’t even see my friend. Let me decline the invitation, and let me reach out to my friend and say, “How about I take you out to all the vintage stores we love and out for lunch, my treat, next Saturday?”

WM: OK, but what if the person you disappoint doesn’t get over it? 

MR: Let them! You get to choose whether or not you’re going to give this person time. You get to choose whether or not their emotions are your job. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to prioritize this friendship. And so that’s why you always have power. 

WM: What’s a common mistake you’ve seen people make when trying to implement the Let Them Theory? 

MR: The single biggest mistake people make is they only do step one.

If you don’t say, Let me, it’s very common to feel a little lonely: Let my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. And then you’re going to sit there in your judgment, and that is the biggest danger of this. You have to do the let me part. And a lot of people don’t like this part because this is where you look in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, and you truly have to take responsibility for what you do about it. This is where compassion comes into play.

Let’s say you start to notice you’re the one who makes the effort and people don’t return your calls, they’re not great about texting, or they don’t initiate the plans. Well, you’re going to say, Let them, because getting upset and judging isn’t going to help you, and it makes you stressed. Let them be who they are. They’re revealing who they are and what they care about.

Now you come to the let me part, and you’ve got a lot of things in your control. For example: Let me really look in the mirror and ask myself: What do I value? If you value friendship and family and a social life, then it’s your responsibility to create it. And you get to choose whether or not you continue to pour time into the friendships [that aren’t reciprocal] or if you’re going to take that time and go make new friends as an adult.

You also get to choose, by the way, to look at things with a level of maturity and grace and say, I’m actually friends with a lot of introverted people or a lot of people who don’t have the energy right now to reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is the glue that keeps our family together. 

WM: What’s your advice for people trying to implement this theory into their lives?

MR: Anytime somebody’s annoying you or stressing you out, just say, Let them. You’re going to feel instant freedom and power. Then say, Let me, and remind yourself, I have control here. What do I want to do in response?

If you’re in a very triggering situation or something that is ongoing—like you just broke up and you’re trying to move through heartbreak—you’re going to have to say, Let them walk out the door, let them sleep with other people, let them move on, let them not love me, over and over and over again, because the hurt doesn’t just go away. You need this to respond to emotions that keep rising up. 

WM: And any advice for people who are scared to give up control and just “let them” do their thing?  

MR: I’m going to let you hold onto control. Here’s why: I can’t change you. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. But if you’re sick and tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated and exhausted, this theory will change your life.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post The Let Them Theory Is the Secret to Giving Less F*cks in 2025 appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.16.25

35 Very Good Responses for When You’re Not Actually OK

How *am* I?! ByCasey Gueren Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

You probably get asked, “How’s it going?” several times a day—while grabbing coffee, exchanging pleasantries in a meeting, bumping into your neighbor at the grocery store. And your response is likely pretty reflexive, saying, “Good! How about you?” even if you are, in fact, not good. Who could blame you though? We don’t always have time to get into it, or we don’t want to burden the barista with our shit. I mean, how do  you answer, “How are you?” when you’re not OK?

As awkward as it might seem, sometimes the best answer is an honest one, says therapist Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, author of The Origins of You. Being real helps you feel seen and invites others to be vulnerable too, she explains. That can foster a connection that you wouldn’t have made otherwise.

We’re not saying you have to pour out your life story every time someone asks how you’re doing. But slapping a filter on your emotions so they’re more palatable won’t necessarily make you or the other person feel any better. “There is something reparative that happens when we have another human being hear us, hold us emotionally, and validate what’s going on in our lives,” says Pharaon. Yep, even if it’s your neighbor in the cereal aisle. 

But it’s normal for this to feel weird and uncomfortable. There’s a lot of societal pressure to be easygoing and likable, explains Pharaon. We think those are the qualities that make people want to spend time with us, she adds. So being truthful about your existential dread might make you feel susceptible to people judging or avoiding you.

While the urge to sidestep vulnerability is real (and sometimes super necessary), ditching the filter might help you and everyone else feel more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. That said, you ultimately get to decide how honest you want to be and how much you want to say, notes Pharaon.

How to Answer, “How Are You?” When You’re Not OK

If you’re down to get more honest, we broke down some solid ways to respond to, “How are you?” when you are not  well. Depending on the scenario, you’ve got tons of options for sharing your truth in a way that feels good.

If you want to keep it light-hearted 

1. I feel like I’m trying to survive the Hunger Games.

2. The human equivalent of the “this is fine” meme. 

3. Like my intrusive thoughts are having a rave. 

4. One minor inconvenience away from crying in public. 

5. Just ordered ice cream and tissues (and nothing else) on Postmates.

6. The emotional equivalent of that tangled mess of headphones and trash at the bottom of your tote bag.  

7. Panicking at the disco and also everywhere else. 

8. Like Mercury has been in retrograde for the last 38 months. 

9. In desperate need of puppies, cheese, or a six-hour nap. Or all three.  

10. Not great, Bob! 

11. They don’t have an emoji for me lying on my kitchen floor, blankly staring at the ceiling, but…picture that. 

12. Just waiting for that spin class to kick in and cure my anxiety. 

13. My emotional-support water bottle is all I have right now.

If you aren’t sure what you’re feeling

14. I’m kind of all over the place. 

15. IDK what’s going on with me, but I’m having a hard time. 

16. I’m still processing what I’m feeling. 

17. Pretty meh, but I’m honestly not sure why.

18. I’m still trying to make it make sense. 

19. The vibes are mixed.

20. Having a bit of a menty b.  

21. Currently deciding (with professional help) which DSM-5-TR  criteria best explains my unique constellation of symptoms. 

If you’re ready to get into it

22. Incredibly unchill. Do you have a sec to talk about it? 

23. I’m struggling a little bit. 

24. I could actually use a friend right now. Are you free? 

25. Honestly, not great.

26. Very bad actually.

27. My anxiety has anxiety. Help.

28. Hanging on by a thread and accepting advice.

If you’re not ready to share everything yet

29. LOL…I’ve got a lot to journal about, and we can leave it there for now. 

30. I’m dealing with a lot. I’ll tell you about it later. 

31. Ha! I can’t even go there.

32. Rolling in the deep. What Adele song are you  right now? 

33. I’m not OK. But I will be.

34. I’m having a time. How are you? 

35. Hard pass. Next question?

The post 35 Very Good Responses for When You’re Not Actually OK appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.15.25

How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much

Until we find a way to clone you, try this. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s no secret that life can be…a lot. Keeping up with your job, maintaining relationships, and tackling adult responsibilities can easily fill an entire weekend. We’ve all got stuff to do and limited time to do it, but sometimes that mountain of tasks seems totally insurmountable. You know that prioritizing is the only way you’ll get it all done. But how exactly do you prioritize when everything feels equally urgent and the list just keeps getting longer? 

Here, experts explain the most common prioritizing roadblocks and how to get things done anyway (even the stuff you’d normally skip).

Why prioritizing sometimes feels impossible.

For those wading through a particularly overwhelming season of life, organizing what needs to be done and in what order is extra challenging, says Kathryn Lee, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and burnout. Becoming a new parent, caregiving for aging parents, or picking up chores for a sick partner or roommate is hard when life is already brimming with to-dos.

For others, doing all the things all the time is a way of life, says Lee. “Overextending is the only way they have felt valued, wanted, or needed in life,” she explains. For instance, people who grew up anticipating the needs and feelings of others to maintain peace in their household or avoid conflict may have internalized the belief that their needs aren’t important, and they’re constantly deprioritizing themselves. But that doesn’t make prioritizing any easier, even for the chronic overachievers.

Being burned out can also make it hard to plan and execute tasks, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System and author of How Do You Feel? “One of the symptoms of burnout is a reduced sense of personal achievement,” she explains. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you become unproductive, it means you feel unproductive. And feeling unproductive can sometimes make you unproductive. Then you get frustrated and don’t get stuff done.” That vicious cycle can quickly make your to-do list feel never-ending, she adds.

How to start prioritizing more effectively.

No matter what’s getting in the way of you getting things done, here’s how to start moving through your to-do list without panicking (or putting yourself last). 

1. Start with a quick feelings audit to figure out the biggest burden. 

Instead of diving right into an arbitrary task, take a beat to consider what you’re feeling and all the factors contributing to that. Your answers will help you map out where to direct your time and energy, says Dr. Gold.

Are you spiraling because you don’t know how everything on your calendar will get done or because you don’t know where to start? Are you frustrated with your partner for slacking on chores? Are you angry because you don’t feel valued by your boss or a friend who keeps bailing on plans?

For example, if your partner isn’t pulling their weight, you might be better off having a conversation rather than reorganizing your to-do list. If feeling under-appreciated at work is the source of your frustration, maybe spending more time looking for a new role should move to the top of your agenda.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by some massive or traumatic event outside of your control, it’s probably worth reaching out for some support (friends, family, a therapist, whoever) first so you aren’t going through the next steps alone. 

2. Don’t skip over the basics.

Not to add more to your to-do list, but making time for some very basic self-care tasks isn’t going to derail your whole day. Actually, it can help you better show up for everyone and everything on your list. 

So if you’re not sure what to prioritize first, start here: eat breakfast, brush your teeth, spend five minutes journaling (or meditate, go on a walk, or whatever activity boosts your mental health). Then take on the rest of your day. 

If you’ve consistently neglected those basic feel-good habits, it’s probably contributing to how ill-prepared you feel to tackle your to-do list. So, going forward, try some little adjustments to help make sure you’re well-rested, fed, hydrated, and fueled for whatever you have to do next. That might look like putting your phone on “do not disturb” at 8 p.m. every night, going to bed just a smidge earlier instead of starting another episode, blocking 30 minutes on your calendar to eat lunch or go for a walk each day. (You wouldn’t skip a work meeting, right?)

3. Do a brain dump of everything weighing on you.

Now, it’s time to make The List. Jot down all the things you need (or want) to take care of that are cluttering your mental space. Don’t hold back—include your work responsibilities, commitments to friends and family, the habits you’re trying to start or sustain, and the random projects you want to take on.

Even if you can’t realistically do all of that today (or even this year), the goal is to relieve the pressure to remember everything you want to get done, says psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at New York University Langone Health. 

4. Find the to-dos that fuel you.

Think of yourself as a battery containing emotional energy. “Some things drain us, some things charge us, some things have no impact,” says Dr. Gold. Being aware of that can help you pinpoint the tasks and goals that matter most to you. 

Take a beat to reflect on that massive list you just made. What gives you life? Ask yourself: Am I excited for this? Do I look forward to it? Is this something I want to make time for? Lee says. Make a note of the ones you’re hyped about. 

By the way, if nothing on this list excites you, add in things that do! It could be as simple as watching more reality TV or reading a new fantasy novel.

It might even be worth highlighting these in a certain color so you can make sure to sprinkle them into your prioritized list, even if they aren’t the most pressing things. 

5. Organize what’s important and urgent—and what’s not.

OK, we’ve finally arrived at prioritization station. To manage everything on your giant list, Dr. Stern suggests categorizing every task using two criteria: important and urgent. This breaks down into four buckets: important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent. (She recommends using the Eisenhower Matrix as a helpful visual.) 

The things that are both important and urgent, like paying bills and feeding yourself/your family, should stay on your list and move toward the top. The stuff that’s important but not urgent, like, say, negotiating your cable bill, can get pushed down the list. The urgent things that aren’t super important, like your favorite spin class or that pile of dirty laundry, are things you might be able to skip, delay, or delegate.  This is the time for you to practice saying no and asking for help. 

The rest of your list should be things that are not important and not urgent. All of these (with the exception of those basic self-care tasks and a few things that truly fuel you) can be moved to the bottom of the list or deleted altogether. Now we’re cooking! 

6. Zap the energy suckers.

Even with a consolidated list, try to stay flexible, says Lee. Instead of mandating that everything must happen, use your feelings and your bandwidth to determine what habits or tasks are working and what aren’t. For example, if you’re blocking out time for a new hobby but it’s not as fun as you imagined, don’t force it, she adds. It’s OK if it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That said, it’s worth digging deeper when your gut reaction is to avoid something you know brings you joy. “Sometimes when we say no, it’s just because we’re overwhelmed and don’t recognize that,” Dr. Gold says. In those cases, it could be worth delegating some of your other tasks or finding a smaller-scale way to make that activity work. Maybe you read a book a month instead of a book a week or train for a 5k instead of a half marathon.

7. Give yourself a break.

Prioritizing every part of life is hard and everyone struggles with it, Dr. Gold says. So a little self-compassion goes a long way when you’re running on empty and pummeled by calendar invites. 

When that happens, take a break from your agenda and get grounded by taking a walk outside, hopping in the bathtub, or doing a mindfulness exercise. If that’s not possible, try responding to negative thoughts and rude self-talk the way you’d speak to a friend. You can recite some realistic positive affirmations. 

And, of course, if this becomes a pattern or you’re dealing with mental health symptoms that make it hard to function, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Maybe this process isn’t working or it’s bringing up other stuff, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, distraction, anxiety, or whatever, a mental health pro can help you get to the root of the issue, says Dr. Stern.

The post How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.10.25

How to Finally Stop Being a Workaholic (Without Losing Your Identity)

Because answering work emails at all hours of the day (and night) is not a personality trait. ByKylie Gilbert

When you think of a workaholic you probably picture someone tethered to their phone or staring at their computer screen into the wee hours of the night. But the term workaholic has been around long before the internet and smartphones. American psychologist and pastor Wayne Edward Oates first coined it in the late 1960s, defining workaholism as an uncontrollable need to work. He believed working can become an addiction, sorta like alcoholism, hence the name. 

Despite the negative connotation, it’s easy to see how being a workaholic is often celebrated via a “hustle culture,” which glorifies productivity. That can make those always-logged-on habits hard to shake. Overdoing it at work might even give you a self-esteem boost. 

So how can you tell if you’re a workaholic or if you just have a solid work ethic? We spoke to mental health pros to break it down and share realistic tips for achieving more work-life balance.

What is a workaholic? 

A workaholic isn’t a clinical term or an actual diagnosis you’ll find in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), but the urge to work excessively is a very real phenomenon that psychologists have studied for decades. 

A workaholic could be someone with a high-pressure, high-powered job who works until 3 a.m., but it isn’t just about long hours or titles. Someone with workaholism struggles to detach from their job mentally and be fully present in their life no matter their schedule or role, says psychologist Rachel Goldman, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Grossman School of Medicine, who specializes in stress reduction and burnout. 

“It’s this feeling of needing to be on and working all the time,” she explains. For example, maybe you’re out to dinner on a Saturday night with your friends… but you’ve tuned out half the conversation because all you can think about is the email you need to reply to. 

You might even feel frustrated or pissed off if you’re in a situation where you can’t work, says licensed psychologist and career coach Lauren Appio, PhD. “I see a lot of disrupted sleep and people who are very irritable or very anxious or very depressed,” Dr. Appio says. 

Here’s the thing: There are times when work becomes a primary focus and takes up more space in our lives—and that isn’t always such a terrible or unhealthy thing, Dr. Appio says. “Some people are very passionate about the work that they do, or they have a short-term goal that they’re working really hard to accomplish, whether it’s a promotion or a project.” 

What sets workaholism apart from just being really locked is the negative impact on other areas of your life, like your health and relationships. Dr. Goldman suggests asking yourself: Am I canceling plans? Am I isolating myself? Am I not social anymore? Am I forgetting to eat or drink?

You might also be in problematic territory if other responsibilities, including self-care, are falling through the cracks. Oh and if you feel too much anxiety or guilt to use your PTO or take a sick day when you’re actually sick? That’s a big red flag too.

Workaholism can definitely be a byproduct of your industry or company culture, but there are often internal factors at play too. For example, people with perfectionist tendencies who feel like they always have to go above and beyond and be the best could be prone to workaholism, Dr. Goldman says. That’s especially true if you believe your self-worth is tied to your productivity, she adds.  

People-pleasers are more susceptible to work addiction too, Dr. Appio says. Obviously, no one wants to upset their boss or let people down, but blowing through your boundaries or overworking to keep people happy can slip into workaholism, she explains.

Workaholism can also start as a temporary coping mechanism, says Dr. Appio. That can definitely be helpful when you need a distraction from, say, a breakup. However, if getting wrapped up in work becomes a long-term pattern to avoid your feelings, that’s not so useful. 

How to stop being a workaholic.

Don’t freak out, but being a workaholic is actually probably making you worse at your job.  That’s because people work best when they’re well-rested and they’re happy in their lives, Dr. Appio says. You can’t think critically when you’re in survival mode, she adds.

Still, if you’re used to overworking, it can feel scary to take your foot off the gas—even just a little. Who are you if you’re not the one in the office past 8 p.m. every night? That said, you can totally do less without losing your edge or identity. Here’s how.

1. Start with small limits.

If you’re a perfectionist or a people pleaser, it can be hard to set personal boundaries, like ignoring DMs and emails after hours. If that’s you, taking baby steps can help rewire your brain to be OK with saying no, says Dr. Appio. “Start with implementing one new limit and see what happens,” she explains. This will help you gather new data on how people respond when you put yourself first. That’s really helpful if you’ve been caught up worrying that you’re going to lose your job or reputation if you’re not giving 110 percent. 

Notice how your boss or coworkers react (or don’t). Do they explode and tell you that you’re the worst? Probably not! Most likely, you’ll see that your fears were overblown, Dr. Goldman says. 

2. Try a self-soothing activity. 

Even once you set a limit, like not checking your email on PTO, it can be really hard to follow through. “You’re gonna feel that urge to work build up, and it can be really unbearable for people, Dr. Appio says. 

That’s where self-soothing practices come in. These sensory activities serve as gentle distractions that calm your body down until the urge goes away, Dr. Appio explains. You could try a mindfulness exercise, take a bath, or listen to music.

Over time, you might notice that nothing bad actually happens when you spend less time working. And if something goes wrong, you’ll find that you’re capable of managing the feelings that come with it, says Dr. Appio.

3. Find allies.

Breaking a work addiction requires a lot of focus and intention—especially if it’s always been your thing. But having people in your corner can help hold you accountable to your boundaries, remind you to take breaks, or just give you an excuse to take a lunch for once, says Dr. Appio. “Whether it’s friends, a therapist, or people at work, it helps to have allies who can support you.” 

Enlist a coworker for a regular coffee walk at the same time every week (or every day, if you dare!) Put time on your cal to text a close friend to check-in. Plan a meetup after the workday with someone who won’t ask about your job. 

4. Catch and redirect your thoughts. 

In those moments when you just can’t seem to turn your work brain off, Dr. Goldman suggests noticing the negative thoughts and interrupting them with a mindfulness exercise. This can help you get back to the present moment without judging your mental spiral. 

Let’s say you’re taking a hot shower at the end of the day, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow’s team meeting or the pitch you’re working on. First, acknowledge that you’re having lots of work-related thoughts. You could even say, “I’m worried about my meeting tomorrow.” Then, turn your attention to what’s going on around you. You can sense how the water feels on your skin, notice how your soap smells, or listen to the water hitting the ground. 

5. Prioritize the things that bring you joy outside of work.

If you’re a perfectionist, it can be hard to end the day without sending one more email, reviewing that presentation one more time, or making one last call. But, if you have other interests that need your attention, like a volunteering gig, relationships, or just a new love of baking, that can help you shut it down when things are good enough, Dr. Goldman says. 

So, it’s time to find a hobby or start prioritizing stuff in your life that could use more love. Want to join that run club or book club? Get after it! Suddenly very interested in the Roman Empire? Take an online course. Feel out of touch with your friend group? Schedule a recurring hang! 

6. Work on that harsh inner dialogue. 

Even on their best day, it’s easy for workaholics to beat themselves up about the little things that go wrong during the workday. You said the wrong thing in a meeting, you didn’t accomplish as much today as you wanted to, that comment from your boss means they maybe hate you. Ugh. 

When you’re burned out, that dialogue can get even more rude, Dr. Appio says. That’s not good for your mental health either.

Whether you’re having the worst or best day, keep an ear out for negative self-talk. When you notice that jerk in your brain chiming in with unhelpful insights or critiques, kindly rebut them the way you would a friend, Dr Appio suggests. Maybe no one noticed your miss

The post How to Finally Stop Being a Workaholic (Without Losing Your Identity) appeared first on Wondermind.