Stories Link Copied 03.13.25

How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much”

…and made more meaningful connections. BySamantha Feher

I think it was “talks too much in class.” That was the first time I’d ever considered that more wasn’t always better.

Growing up, every ride to school was a live Grouplove concert, complete with air guitar and invisible microphones. Easter egg coloring was an extreme sport. “More” was the name of my family’s game, and I wore my team colors proudly—on my heart and on my sleeve.

So I talked too much in class. That I could live with. The demerit came padded with friendship bracelets and birthday party invitations. 

But as the years went by, “too much” became something to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I’d hear people describe me as, “She’s…a lot.” The label, side-eyes, and snarky comments started to sting.

Eventually, I learned that it was more desirable to be “less.” Those who were “less” were invited to parties and asked to dances. So, by the time I got to college, I wore a “chill girl” mask so convincing I even had myself fooled. 

I dated one untameable boy after another (they all thought it was their idea) and joined the cool, we-barely-care sorority. I felt like a fraud, but it was better to feel like a fraud than a spectacle.

One boyfriend stuck around right up until graduation. He’d fallen in love with the chill girl, but he could see the cracks in my mask. He was quick to call them out—in front of friends, family, and strangers—any chance he got. 

One time, I made the mistake of shouting an answer at a rowdy trivia night, and he loudly told me to shut up and stop begging for attention. His friends pulled me aside to apologize on his behalf. The third (or was it fourth?) time we broke up, he said it outright: I was “too much.” What remained of the mask shattered. And thank goodness. 

Six years, 122 therapy sessions, four jobs, three boyfriends, and two apartments later, I’m unapologetically, shamelessly myself. 

I talk a lot in an effort to relate and connect with people through shared experience. I overexplain my intentions so I’m not misunderstood. I want to be heard, so I raise my volume. I’m forward and enthusiastic in a way that sometimes makes other people uncomfortable.

While I work to avoid being perceived as self-absorbed or even rude, I’m just being me. I think most of the “too much” girlies (or anyone who’s been labeled this way) can relate to all that. We’re not shy or placid or “chill” by nature, and sometimes people are put off by our strong personalities. It happens. But it doesn’t mean we’re too much. 

I sing (badly) at karaoke bars full of strangers. I belly laugh loudly and unabashedly. I cry when the tears come, whether it’s someone else’s definition of the right time and place or not. I tell people I love them every time they leave a room because I do. I dance in public, hug people the first time we meet, and call them afterward to see if they want to hang out sometime. I follow first on Instagram. I quadruple-text. I ask, “What are we?” I order another round. I ask the waitress her name. I remember it.

I found people who love me for me. And I’ve learned to embrace the parts of myself I used to think were flawed. Here’s how I did it.

I fell in love with myself.

After that college breakup, I was tempted to double down on my chill facade. But I was exhausted. I was tired of playing contortionist with my personality, constantly trying to fit it into too-tight spaces. Tired of withholding every opinion, every anecdote. Tired of nodding and smiling and laughing (quietly, of course) at the right times and never sharing in return. Tired of being nothing but a receptacle for other people to talk at or a prized accessory.

So, instead, I let go. All the me I’d been pushing down came flooding out of my every pore. It was easier than I thought. Pretending took years of curation, practice, and discipline—kicking myself for too-loud laughs and too-forward questions. Giving myself pep talks in the mirror before an event, promising my reflection that I’d be quiet and accommodating. But after I quit pretending, I discovered that being myself wasn’t hard at all.

It felt like going home. Growing up, I didn’t know anything else—I was me all the time, and I was celebrated for it. But my inner child hadn’t been seen or heard in ages. So when I held her again, she was starved for affection. I reminded her to take up space, to be vulnerable, and to be proud of her zeal for life. Taking care of her felt like the first deep breath after a head cold.

When that little girl was back on her feet, I felt a shift. Survival mode evolved into equilibrium. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I realized, for the first time, that there was room for more of me. 

So I honored my curiosity, saying yes to everything that came my way—even the things I would’ve been shamed for in the past. I filmed funny videos to share online (“attention-seeking”). I did a stint on reality TV (“desperate”). I started a podcast (“nobody asked for this”).

I learned that there is no upper limit on joy and fulfillment. With permission to take up space, I saw a version of myself I was proud of, even impressed by. This one is earnest and passionate and loud and brave and happy—and I fell in love with her.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me.

In high school and college, life was a popularity contest. Were you invited to your favorite frat’s mountain weekend? Did you have a group of friends to pregame the date party with? How many people said hi to you in the library today? 

As such, I entered adulthood thinking that my value was measured by the number of people who loved me.

If I was “too much,” it meant I was too annoying, too emotional, too exhausting to be around all the time, and people would leave. So I spent a lot of time learning how to rein in my personality just enough to make people comfortable. 

I was so swept up in my efforts to make people like me that I rarely stopped to consider whether I liked them.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that, for the most part, I didn’t. Maybe I liked the idea of them (or the idea of them liking me), but these were not people I admired. They were judgy sorority girls, snarky coworkers, and douchebag guys with commitment issues. They made me feel bad about myself, like I needed to change to feel welcome. That’s not the kind of person I want to be or be around.

I started thinking about how other people made me feel, shedding the frenemies and situationships that made me feel small, unworthy, or stupid just for being myself. And when I met someone new who made me feel good—safe, loved, wanted—I held them close. I directed my time and energy toward those relationships because what you water grows. I wanted to grow that feeling forever.

Now, many of my friends have big personalities like mine. But the ones who don’t actually appreciate a big personality in a friend. I can help carry the mental and emotional load at social engagements, bring the energy, and articulate complicated or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We fit like puzzle pieces.

I found community.

Today, I see and love myself for who I am—not who I think I should be. So, in a turn of events my elementary school report card no doubt manifested, I decided to make “talks too much in class” my full-time job. I’m leaning into my big personality.

When people come across me on TV, hear my podcast, or find my videos on their social media feed, they get what they see—in all my honest, extra, vulnerable, nonlinear glory. 

Of course, there are people who don’t like it. There always will be. But there are more who are curious and open, for whom my journey resonates deeply. 

For those people, my content is not a broadcast; it’s a dialogue. We trade stories, struggles, joys, learnings, and heartache. Connection is our currency, and the community just keeps growing.

If I can give you one piece of advice: Feel your big feelings and share them. Make space for others. Cherish them. Talk more. If you’re loud enough, you might just be heard all over the world.

The post How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.28.25

What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?

Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you. ByLauren Del Turco

We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling. 

If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one. 

Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?

But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now. 

Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it. 

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy. 

Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.

Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban. 

Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.

Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban. 

And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate. 

Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says. 

How to stop stonewalling.

If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says. 

Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.

Notice when it’s happening.

Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says. 

On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.

While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.

Communicate that you need a minute.

If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.

Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same. 

Take a (helpful) break.

Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds. 

Share your feelings.

After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part. 

If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says. 

So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe. 

Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.

Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle. 

Seek support if you need it.

If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.

How to deal if someone is stonewalling you. 

When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.

Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next. 

Make some space.

It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing. 

Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse. 

But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.

You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.

Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.

Tend to yourself.

As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.

Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.

Come back to the convo.

After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real. 

Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you. 

Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says. 

If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!

The post What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.24.25

10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better

Get ready to yap it up with literally anyone. ByKylie Gilbert

Whether it’s convenience, a habit, or a crutch, it’s easy to stop a conversation at “How’s it going?” or “The weather is crazy this week, right?” While small talk is a solid way to acknowledge someone in a pinch, like an elevator situation or bumping into someone at CVS, it can only take you so far. That’s why we all need a few questions to get to know someone better in our back pocket. 

Whether you’re on a second date, catching up with friends or family, or sussing out your new coworker, these questions to get to know someone can lead to deeper, more insightful conversations. Love that for us. 

With that in mind, we asked therapists for the Qs that will help you get more familiar with whoever you’re talking to—without making things weird. 

1. What’s something you’re feeling passionate about right now, and why?

Asking someone about what lights them up or gets them excited tells you a lot more about who they are than, “How’s work?” Whether it’s the status of their houseplants, something in the news, or a volunteer group they spend time with, asking what someone is passionate about sheds more light on what their life is like or what’s on their mind at that moment. 

When you understand what excites and motivates someone, you learn about what occupies their brain space, says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. That’s super valuable information for understanding and connection, she adds. “Someone’s passions can often reflect personal values, goals, or emotional investments.” Plus, when people talk about what lights them up, it tends to make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

2. When do you feel the most like yourself?

This question to get to know someone moves beyond what they love to when they feel the most at ease. “Rather than asking about someone’s hobbies or what they do for work, this question uncovers where and when someone feels most authentic,” Wright says. 

Their answers can reveal not just their interests, but the spaces, people, and experiences that bring them comfort, she says. In other words, this insight helps you understand what makes them feel content.

3. If you woke up one day and your life felt truly fulfilling, what would it look like?

This question invites them to imagine their ideal life—beyond the daily routine. “It lets someone break free from the here and now and dream without limits,” says therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. When you invite someone to use their imagination like this, it helps reveal parts of themselves they might usually keep close to the chest, he explains. 

You’re giving them an opportunity to express dreams that feel out of reach to bring up otherwise, Brown adds. It also reveals how much of their life right now is aligned with their goals. That’s useful for them and you (especially if you’re already close to this person and want to support their goals). 

4. What’s a small moment in your life that had a big impact on you?

Maybe it was a random conversation with a stranger that changed the way they see the world. Or perhaps it was a mental health walk in the park that led to a life-changing realization. These smaller moments don’t always get the attention they deserve but they often hold meaning, says Wright. 

Though we’re all pretty quick to spout off our big milestones, those micro-moments can offer a deeper understanding of someone, Wright adds. You might learn more about how their day-to-day shapes their goals, what’s important to them, or how they’ve changed over time.

5. What is an activity that makes you lose track of time? 

ICYMI, when you do something that you’re so deeply engaged with that you forget how much time has passed, that’s called flow, says Brown. Finding out what stuff brings them ~flow~ gives you an idea of the things that bring them joy. Maybe it’s writing or cooking or listening to a certain album, you may discover some common ground, Brown explains. If you both love an Ina Garten recipe, that might bring you closer or strengthen your bond. If their flow state is set off by something totally different than yours, that’s still great intel on who this person is and what lights them up. 

6. What’s something you’ve recently learned about yourself?

This question is all about reflecting on personal growth—something that usually doesn’t come up in small talk. “It helps keep the conversation in the present moment and gives you insight into their journey of self-discovery,” Wright says. You might learn about their emotional growth, new perspectives, or life transitions, and whether they’re open to learning and evolving, she explains.

That could lead to a conversation about emotions, shifting priorities, or boundaries, Brown says. It lets you connect with who they are today, not who they were yesterday—and gives you the chance to do the same. But, hey, even if their answer is something like, “I learned I actually hate kale,” that’s something too! 

7. What always makes you smile? 

“This question might seem chill, but it’s low-key deep,” Brown says. That’s because you’re learning more about what makes them happy. It could be a YouTube video, a meme, a hobby, a TV show, a ritual, or a memory, but, whatever it is, it lets you in on their sense of humor or where they find joy (or both). 

That’s good information, and it’s also an easy way to connect. If it’s a memory they share, validating why they love it is a good way in. If you have a relatable story, you could share that too. If it’s a pop culture moment, you could even watch it together. Close relationships thrive on those small but significant moments, says Brown. 

8. What do your most fulfilling connections feel like?

This question is great because it works in any kind of relationship—romantic, friendship, or even professional, says Brown. It helps you understand what someone truly values in their connections, beyond just surface-level traits. Do they want relationships that feel effortless and lighthearted? Do they thrive on deep, late-night talks? Or do they feel most connected through spontaneous plans? 

If you’re already close, it can open up a conversation about how you show up for each other. If they say their strongest relationships make them feel supported and understood, you can ask, “How do you like people to support you?”

9. What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?

This question is all about exploring personal growth, flexibility, and self-awareness, says Wright. It opens the door to meaningful discussions about evolving beliefs, values, and perspectives. Plus, it reveals how open they are to change and how they approach life. “It’s helpful to know if someone can change their mind when presented with new information,” Wright adds. This question invites growth and connection, without making things awkward.

10. What kind of person do you hope to be in your relationships, and what helps you show up that way?

This question is all about self-awareness, says Brown. After all, most of us focus on what we want from others without stopping to think about how we participate in the relationship, he adds. 

So, their answer could reveal qualities they’re working on—like patience, communication, or being more spontaneous—and what might be holding them back, Brown adds. It’s a great way to get a peek into how someone sees themself and their interactions with others. 

The post 10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.19.25

8 Things You’re Saying Without Even Realizing It

Plus, how to use nonverbal communication to enhance all your conversations. ByCarolyn Todd

When we talk about communication, we’re usually talking about, well, talking. But experts say there’s a ton that we communicate beyond just the words we’re saying. It’s kind of like there’s the verbal conversation, and then there’s a whole other conversation our bodies are having in the background (aka nonverbal communication). 

The problem is, sometimes we’re actually saying stuff nonverbally that we didn’t even mean to, which can lead to mixed signals and miscommunication. So learning how to be more aware and intentional about what vibes your nonverbal cues are giving off can help you become a better communicator—and feel confident that your body is saying what you want it to. Plus, it’ll make you better at reading other people. 

Here’s what the pros want you to know about what nonverbal communication is, why it’s super important to your connections, and some of the things you might be saying without even realizing it.

What is nonverbal communication? 

Nonverbal communication is essentially everything we’re saying to another person without, well, saying it. “It’s any behavior or other kind of cue that can communicate something to the other person,” says Valerie Manuslov, PhD, a professor of communication at the University of Washington who teaches and researches nonverbal communication. That includes eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures, physical touch, and body language. For instance, “how you move your body, how close you are to someone, how much you lean in or away, how you cross your legs, how wide you sit,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Nonverbal communication also includes things like what you’re wearing, how you interact with your environment, throat clearing, and silent pauses, Dr. Manuslov says. And while you might think of your tone of voice and how loud or fast you talk as verbal communication, these actually qualify as nonverbal too—since they’re sending a message outside the literal meaning of your words.

Nonverbal cues “play a large role in our interactions with other people,” Dr. Manuslov says. “We tend to notice nonverbal cues and respond to them, even if it’s not in our conscious mind.” When it comes to your own nonverbal behaviors, there’s likely many you’re completely unaware of, Dr. Manuslov says. For example, your body language can express how you really feel about somebody—even when your head isn’t totally sure how you feel about them (or you don’t want to admit that you don’t like them). 

While these cues can be rich with information, they can also be misleading or misinterpreted. We’re constantly making assumptions about what people’s nonverbals mean. The problem is, pretty much any behavior can mean multiple things (or nothing at all), Dr. Manuslov says. 

Say your boss crosses her arms during a check-in. You might think it means they’re unhappy with you, which is fair, says Dr. Manuslov. But she could also be crossing her arms because she’s chilly. Or feeling defensive. Or trying to cover up a stain on her shirt. Or having cramps. Or just more comfortable like that… You get the idea. 

So, becoming more aware of nonverbal cues can make you more mindful, intentional, and confident about what messages you’re sending people, says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. 

Being a sharp nonverbal communicator is crucial in situations where first impressions really matter (like a job interview). But it can also make you a better friend, partner, or family member. “It’s [about] knowing what behaviors will make other people that we care about feel good,” Dr. Manuslov says. If your bestie opens up and you want to show her you’re really here for her, you can use nonverbals to communicate that. 

What are some examples of nonverbal communication? 

Let’s talk about some common nonverbal cues, what they communicate, and when to use them (or what to do instead). 

1. Facing your whooole body towards who you’re talking to. 

Having your entire body—not just your face!—turned toward somebody is a simple, powerful way to show that you’re present, engaged, and interested, Dr. Manuslov says. It says “I am fully here and available.” (On the other hand, orienting your body away from someone says you’re not available for this conversation, or this conversation is over.) 

Try this when you want to convey that you’re giving someone your full attention. For example, say a colleague comes over to your desk to ask you a question. Instead of just turning your head (which could say you’re only partly available), pull back your chair enough to fully rotate your body their way. “The more you turn toward them, it marks it as, Oh, I was doing this, but now I’m engaging with you,’” Dr. Manuslov says. 

2. Scrolling or having your phone in grabbing distance. 

It’s become pretty normalized to have your phone glued to your palm. Still, looking at your phone subconsciously communicates that whatever’s on there is more important or interesting than what the person in front of you has to say, according to Roberts. It says “my attention is somewhere else.” Even having your phone on the table suggests some of your attention is with it or that you’re OK with being distracted by it, Dr. Manuslov says. This can even limit how deep a conversation goes. (You’re less likely to bring up something vulnerable or serious if your convo partner is one push notification away from responding to a DM.) 

If that’s not what you want to get across, try putting your phone away (in your pocket, your bag, your desk) and turning on do-not-disturb mode (when possible) to signify your full presence. “That can be a real sign that in this moment, I’m talking to you. I’m not gonna have any other distractions. You’re important enough to me, or this topic is important to me, that I’m not going to let anything else bother me,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

3. Looking at everyone and everything except the person you’re talking to. 

Wandering eyes can indicate disinterest, boredom, and distraction. “If you keep looking at other people or around the room, it suggests to someone that you’re not really paying attention—even if you are,” Dr. Manuslov says. Lack of eye contact could also suggest you’re uncomfortable with the topic, shy, annoyed, or intimidated, Roberts says. 

If that’s not what you’re trying to say, try making more eye contact to convey engagement and focus, Roberts says—especially when you’re listening. “The listener is looking toward the person for what they’re saying,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Glancing away occasionally is fine.) When you’re the one doing the talking, too much eye contact can actually be intimidating. It’s more natural to look away while you’re speaking and then return to making eye contact, Dr. Manuslov says. “That makes most people the most comfortable.” 

4. Nodding or shaking your head while listening (but not too much). 

Nodding your head is a great way to indicate that you’re tracking with what somebody is saying, without interrupting them. A nod can signify active listening, understanding, enthusiasm, support, or agreement. It says “I’m really into what you’re saying,” according to Dr. Manuslov. There can be too much of a good thing, though: Vigorous, continuous nodding could be misinterpreted as rushing the other person to hurry up and finish talking, Dr. Manuslov says. 

And while shaking your head means “no” or “I disagree” in some contexts, it can also be a positive cue. “If someone’s telling you a terrible story or something they’re really upset about and you shake your head, that can be a sign of empathy,” Dr. Manuslov says. For example, a well-timed headshake could say “Wow, what a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you,” or “Oh, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” 

Try nodding when you want someone to know you’re on board with what they’re saying, and shaking your head to express empathy when someone is sharing something difficult. 

5. Standing weirdly close to or weirdly far from someone. 

Cultural norms tell us what range of distance we should be to people, depending on our relationship. The more intimate you are, the more physical closeness is expected, Dr. Manuslov explains. Within those zones, people have their own comfort levels. And if you violate someone’s level, “that will likely have an impact on how they see you and what they think you’re trying to communicate, even if you’re not,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Standing or sitting closer to somebody can suggest intimacy and engagement. But getting too close can come off as being aggressive, overly familiar, not respecting their personal space, or trying to intimidate them, Roberts says. On the other hand, standing too far can be perceived as coldness or aloofness, Dr. Manuslov says—like “stay away from me.” 

Pay attention to this one next time you’re at a social event where you’re meeting new people. You’ll know if someone wants to be closer or farther based on their reactions. “What typically happens is the other person will back up,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Or try to move closer.) Follow their lead: If they back up, don’t move closer again. (And, of course, if someone gets too close for your comfort level, you should back up.) 

6. Constantly fidgeting. 

Maybe you tend to play with your hands, tap your feet, or squirm in your seat. “If someone knows you and knows that’s just how you are, they’re less likely to be bothered by it or notice it,” Dr. Manuslov says. But when someone doesn’t know you as well, fidgeting can suggest that you’re bored, impatient, distracted, or nervous. “I may just be tapping my foot, but you may see it as I can’t wait to get away from this conversation,” Roberts says. 

If you’re a big fidgeter, there are a couple of things to try. One is to simply practice fidgeting less. While it can be a tough habit to break, Dr. Manuslov says it’s doable with time. That said, for many people who are neurodivergent, not fidgeting is extremely challenging or impossible, Dr. Manuslov points out. Some research suggests that fidgeting might help people with ADHD pay attention. And individuals with autism may use repetitive movements to self-regulate. 

Another option that Roberts recommends is just mentioning it, like: “Just so you know, I tend to be fidgety. But it doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention to you, that’s just what I do.” 

7. A gentle touch on the arm. 

Physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to make somebody feel cared for, Dr. Manuslov says. In general, a brief, light touch on the arm communicates empathy or emotional support. It says “I’m here for you, I feel for you, and I care.” Stick to the forearm, upper arm, or shoulder. 

While most people appreciate light touch, Dr. Manuslov says, some are touch-avoidant. She recommends paying attention to how they respond—if someone tenses up or pulls away, that’s a no-go. And in the workplace, any touch (especially between different genders) could communicate over-intimacy or a lack of professional boundaries. “If you’re friends with somebody in the office, that’s kind of different,” Dr. Manuslov explains. But in general, play it safe. 

Try offering a gentle touch when you want to be there for somebody who is upset or sharing something tough with you. “In those moments when they really need support, that’s one of the best things, for most people, that you can do,” Dr. Manuslov says.

8.  Speaking in a soft tone.  

Speaking more softly can help set the right tone during a conversation about something serious, Dr. Manuslov says. It generally shows closeness with the person and that you care about what they’re going through. “If someone is upset, you can use a quieter voice to make it a more intimate, serious conversation,” Dr. Manuslov says. A lower volume can also show remorse during an apology, Dr. Manuslov adds.

Try this one next time you want to create more emotional intimacy during a conversation. 

One final rule of nonverbal communication: Stay curious. 

While knowing how people can interpret your nonverbals is super useful, another part of being a good communicator is staying open-minded and curious. 

For one thing, these cues aren’t black-and-white. “Sometimes people believe that nonverbal communication is this universal language,” Dr. Manuslov says. “And there are some biological, automatic things that we may do. But most of the time, they’re affected by our cultural training.” For example, norms around smiling at strangers or how physically affectionate people are can vary a lot from one country to another. And within those cultures, we’re all different. 

And, like we talked about, most nonverbal cues can have multiple meanings. So when you notice what seems like a negative signal, try being curious instead of jumping to conclusions. “Those are moments when it’s really good to notice the meaning that you’re giving to the behavior, and then take a step back and ask yourself, What else could it mean?” Dr. Manuslov says. You can also just ask them. Try something like “Hey, I noticed XYZ. Does that mean you’re upset, or am I totally misreading that?” Dr. Manuslov says. “It can open up a conversation.” 

The post 8 Things You’re Saying Without Even Realizing It appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit

Pregame your next function with these tips. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s rare to find someone who never feels nervous speaking in front of a crowd or making small talk with strangers at a party. (Though, if that’s you, please tell us your secrets.) We all want to make a good impression and genuinely connect with people. That said, if anxious thoughts and feelings become all-consuming, you might be dealing with social anxiety or social anxiety disorder.

ICYMI, social anxiety exists on a spectrum, meaning this is something you can experience a little or lot, even if you don’t fit the criteria for social anxiety disorder. Generally speaking though, if you fear being judged or rejected by others, replay slip-ups in your head, and alter your life to avoid people—and this has been going on consistently for at least six months—you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or you’re just sick of feeling anxious in pretty much every social situation, there are lots of ways to deal with social anxiety. Here, we asked people to share what’s in their social anxiety toolkit. Feel free to borrow their tools for your next dinner party. 

1. A book that breaks down the benefits of being social

“Just like there are books about how to be a better parent or run a better business, there are books about how to be a better friend,” says Smiley Poswolsky, speaker and author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness. 

If your social anxiety gets in the way of making and keeping strong friendships, it might be time to take a beat and explore why these relationships can be such a boon for your health and happiness.

He recommends The Art and Science of Connection by social scientist Kasley Killam, MPH. In the book, Killam lays out why fostering meaningful relationships and prioritizing community boosts your physical and mental well-being. She unpacks the science behind human connection and offers practical tips to help you mingle, chat, or bond better with just about anyone.

2. Meditations that help you be nicer to yourself

If your self-talk sounds like a bully every time you’re getting ready to go be social, cultivating some self-compassion can help manage social anxiety, says Killam (author of the newsletter Social Health With Kasley Killam). 

Killam explains that, back when she struggled to open up to other people, self-compassion meditations taught her how to be kinder and more accepting of herself. That enabled her to become more comfortable around others, she explains. 

And that tracks: When you don’t hold yourself to super high standards or unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to be yourself. Plus, a self-compassion practice can remind you that you’re awesome. That self-esteem boost might make you more likely to believe others think you’re awesome too. All of this can be especially helpful for people with social anxiety. 

If you’re down, Killam recommends these free self-compassion meditations and exercises from researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, as a helpful starting point. 

3. Putting your anxious thoughts on trial

Social anxiety can seriously distort your self-image by fueling the idea that you’re too much or not enough compared to others. So, if your social anxiety has done a number on your self-esteem, Melinde Huez, a confidence coach and host of the podcast Behind the Layers, recommends these journal prompts to flip the script.

1. Write down the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Focus on the ones that carry the most weight. For example: My friends don’t actually like me, I’m not interesting enough to hold good conversations, or, People think I’m weird.
2. Then, write down what you wish you believed about yourself. It could be, My friends love to spend time with me, I ask thoughtful questions, or I make people feel good.
3. For the next couple of weeks, jot down the moments that back up those aspirational beliefs. Did your friends invite you to hang out this week or accept your invite? Did you have a nice conversation with someone new? Did someone thank you for being kind? Over time, you’ll likely notice those positive beliefs are more realistic than you thought. 

4. Convincing yourself you’re actually excited

Anyone who’s ever been told to just “relax” knows this: It’s impossible to calm down when social anxiety jitters hit. So, instead of trying to white-knuckle your way to calm, reframe that energy as something more joyful, says clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety and the newsletter How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. “It’s hard to slow a racing heart and jangling nerves, even when we tell ourselves to calm down,” Dr. Hendriksen explains. 

She points to a study in which participants sang Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ karaoke-style in front of a researcher. Right before they hit the stage, they were told to say one of five different statements: I am anxious, I am excited, I am calm, I am angry, I am sad. Others were asked to say nothing at all.

The “I am anxious” group performed the worst, while the “I am excited” group put on the best show. Why? Before a high-pressure moment, your body revs up. “So, rather than trying to change our physiology, we can change our mindset.” Saying you’re excited helps you believe it, and makes the anxiety-inducing task feel less like a threat and more like a fun opportunity. 

5. Setting a timer

Sarah Wilson is the author of First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, a book that explores her experience with anxiety and bipolar disorder. As a speaker, she knows what it’s like to “turn it on” around others. “I can go out with one or two people and love it. And I can do a presentation on stage in front of 3,000 people,” she says. But she’s also faced the other end of the spectrum: feeling panicky at a party and wanting to leave immediately. 

When that happens, Wilson tells herself, “This is only going to last about 15 minutes. Let’s sit through it. Let’s do this once. Let’s laugh at it.” When it’s over, you’re free to head out—but you might actually feel OK sticking it out for a bit longer.

6. Facing your fears at improv

Hear us out: An improv class might sound emotionally hellish, but it might be just the thing that helps you deal with your social anxiety, says clinical psychologist and friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.

During improv, you might be asked to participate in group games or exercises that feel silly, nonsensical, and yep, a little awkward (see: anxiety-inducing). Still, these scenarios can help you become a better listener, build confidence in a playful and creative environment, and learn to just go with it. “Having finally followed through on a personal goal and registered in an improv course myself, I can attest to the fact that it’s an incredible opportunity for self-reflection and growth,” Dr. Kirmayer says.

7. An affirmation that shifts the spotlight

Keeping an easy-to-remember affirmation in your back pocket can be a game-changer when you’re feeling tense or tongue-tied. Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for our Friendships and host of the podcast Friend Forward, often gives this one to her clients with social anxiety: Curiosity over performance.

“So much anxiety comes from being fretful over the unknown, so we try to make up for that uncertainty by planning, scripting, and performing,” she explains. But these habits tend to do the opposite of what you want (less fun, less genuine connection). So, when you chat with people, take the focus off yourself by being curious. “Ask questions,” Jackson says. Prioritizing curiosity about the other person over your own performance can help you feel less anxious while also making room for you to be surprised and delighted by whoever you’re talking to. 

8. This much-needed pep talk

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it might be you: Perfection is the enemy of the good—and rarely a catalyst for connection, says Dr. Kirmayer, who is part of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. Because a lot of social anxiety is rooted in the fear of being judged, those dealing with it often feel a deep need to appear perfect. But, unfortunately, that internal pressure to be flawless just backfires, she explains. 

So put a note in your phone or a sticky note on your computer reminding you that perfection gets in the way of connection. “We’re drawn to people who are real, who make mistakes, and who are a little quirky,”  Dr. Kirmayer says. “We don’t need perfection in others; we crave authenticity.”

9. Telling your inner critic to eff off 

So, you stumbled over your words, overshared at brunch, or cracked a joke that didn’t land. Now you’re replaying the situation in your head and can’t stop sinking into your personal sea of embarrassment. 

When your mind won’t stop ruminating on the bad, social anxiety and confidence coach Bianca Curley recommends ID’ing one good thing that came out of the interaction or event. Then, tell your inner critic, “At least I did it,” or “At least I tried.”

And when all else fails? Tap a literal “F*ck it!” button. For $12, it’ll always be there to tell you what’s up. As she notes, “Take the seriousness out of it—make light of the situation!”

The post 9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists

So hard. So necessary. ByLauren Del Turco

It’s hard to apologize. Whether you’re not used to doing it, trying to find the perfect way to make amends, or struggling to take accountability, acknowledging that you messed up sucks.

Plus, if you’re scared of seeing yourself in a negative light or letting others in on your mistakes, apologizing can be extra triggering, says Amalia Miralrío, LMSW, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. 

You might believe admitting fault is evidence that you’re a bad person who’s undeserving of attention or love. That’s especially true if you weren’t allowed to make mistakes growing up, adds licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. 

If you can relate, remember apologizing is a skill that builds healthier relationships with yourself and others. Over time, you’ll learn that it’s OK to screw up and admit fault. Doing so might even lead to deeper connections with those you care about most. Which, yeah, sounds pretty good. 

You don’t even have to apologize perfectly, says Dr. Shumway. “It’s about intention,” he explains. “What matters most is showing the other person you’re willing to take responsibility and repair the relationship.”

No matter what you’re apologizing for, the goal is to have an open heart and mind—and prove that you care, Dr. Shumway says. In other words, you don’t need the perfect tone or even a script to apologize effectively, he says. 

With that in mind, here’s what you do need to express your regret, make amends, and move forward in a sincere way. You got this! 

Consider your motives

If your goal is to make this problem go away, you’re doing it wrong. Like we said, apologizing is about acknowledging that you messed up and that you care about the person you hurt.

So, if you’re trying to fast-forward through some conflict by owning up to something that wasn’t your fault (it happens) or saying sorry when you’re not, do not pass go. 

Dr. Shumway says those motives can make your delivery seem insincere (maybe? because? it is?). “A meaningful apology comes from caring about the other person and wanting to repair the relationship,” he adds. 

Get grounded.

It’s understandable if the idea of apologizing freaks you out. While that’s not an excuse to avoid fessing up, taking a sec to remind yourself it’s safe before diving in might be warranted.

When your heart is racing or you start to sweat, getting present can help you find some calm, says Dr. Shumway. If you’re into affirmations, tell yourself, “Even though this feels awkward, I will be proud of myself for doing the right thing,” Dr. Shumway suggests. You could also try, “People appreciate when I hold myself accountable.”

If those phrases aren’t doing it for you, a mindfulness exercise might. Try box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Another option, look around you and name as many things as you can see. 

Once you’re feeling mostly normal again, you’re ready to go. 

Ditch the caveats.

Again, if you’re not prepared to take full accountability for your actions, you’re not ready to apologize.

But if you’re prepared to say you’re sorry with your chest, you’ll need to drop any excuses. Unfortunately, anything that starts with, “I’m sorry, but,” is not a genuine apology, says Dr. Shumway. 

When you chase your apology with, “But you knew that would set me off,” or “But I’ve been so stressed lately,” you’re not accepting total responsibility for what you did or said. 

Same goes if your apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” says Miralrío. In both cases, you’re side-stepping ownership. That doesn’t reassure the other person that you actually see the harm you caused or that you won’t do it again. 

In the end, the best way to convey your humility, sincerity, and maturity is to say, “I’m sorry.” The only thing you should be tacking on is the behavior you regret and why you regret it. That’s it. “It’s a simple but powerful way to open the door to repair,” Dr. Shumway adds.

Create a plan of action—and share it.

A top-notch apology also involves changing your behavior to avoid that shit from happening again. This shows the other person that you’re serious about making things better, says Dr. Shumway. 

So think about what you could have done differently before you apologize. Maybe you plan to abstain from judgmental comments about your brother’s new girlfriend. Or perhaps you get better about setting reminders so you’re not late to dinner so often. If you’re not sure what to do, ask the other person how they’d like you to make things right. 

Whether you’re asking for their input or figuring it out yourself, expressing a way to move forward shows them you’re serious about turning this situation around, says Dr. Shumway.

Make space for their feelings.

After you’ve thoroughly apologized and planned to make it right, it’s time to hear the other person out. This is one of the most critical parts of making amends, says Dr. Shumway. 

You can ask, “What do you think about all of that?” or, “Is there anything you’d like to share?” Then, listen without interrupting or defending yourself, says Dr. Shumway. It’s not always easy, but proving you can take feedback when you mess up can deepen relationships over time. It also builds trust. 

This is the perfect moment to use your active listening skills. Listen without planning a rebuttal, make eye contact to show you’re paying attention, repeat what you heard them say, and ask if you’ve got it right. If something doesn’t make sense, it’s OK to ask questions, just keep an open mind.

Let go of the outcome

I’m sorry to tell you this, but apologizing doesn’t reset a relationship. And while it’s very understandable to hope the discomfort of this whole situation disappears after you say your piece, that probably won’t happen.

“There’s no guarantee what will happen in the relationship after the apology,” says Miralrío. It’s very possible that the thing you’re apologizing for was too much for the other person. Or they just need more time, space, or communication before they can move forward, says Dr. Shumway. “Be patient and respectful of their process,” he adds.

Even without the promise of a happy ending though, apologizing is important for everyone involved. The point isn’t to fix things right now but to show up for yourself and the other person. That’s all you can control in the end.

The post The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 02.13.25

4 Communication Styles That Will Sum Up All of Your Conversations

Plus, what your go-to style says about you. ByCarolyn Todd

If you’ve spent much time around your fellow humans, then you already know we all have very different ways of communicating. Maybe your partner yells when they get upset, while you prefer to wield the silent treatment. You may have even noticed that our communication styles can pivot from one interaction to the next. Maybe you’re usually direct to a fault, except when you’re talking to your parents. 

Lucky for us, there are experts who can help us make sense of all this. Communication pros have identified four primary communication styles that help explain pretty much all of your interactions with other people. Understanding these four styles and what they mean might help you see your conversations in a completely new light. 

Here’s what experts want you to know about the four main communication styles: what they are, what they sound like, when and why we use them, where your go-to style comes from, and whether you can learn to change it.  

What are the four main communication styles? 

The styles are based on “the four different basic ways that people communicate with each other,” says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. It’s not entirely clear where the framework comes from, says Madeleine Holland, PhD, associate professor of communication at The University of Texas at Austin Moody College of Communication. And while it hasn’t been studied much by communication scholars, “that doesn’t mean it’s not useful,” Dr. Holland says. The model is simple, makes intuitive sense to most people, and, most importantly, can be pretty illuminating. 

“Having a framework or words to put around abstract interactions is very helpful for people in understanding and sense-making about that interaction,” Dr. Holland says. It’s kind of like putting on a pair of glasses that help you see not just what the other person is saying but how they’re saying it. So you can look at a tense conversation you just had with a roommate and be able to say, “Hm, that felt passive-aggressive,” Dr. Holland explains. Not to mention, understanding the four styles unlocks self-awareness—the first step in being better at communicating, Roberts says.

Most people dabble in all four communication styles at some point, but you’ll probably notice that one feels the most familiar to you and your connections. “You tend to spend most of your time communicating in one of these categories more than the others,” says Roberts. But you’re not locked into one. “We can move between them,” Roberts explains. 

OK, so let’s get into the four styles. 

1. Passive 

Passive communication is like “taking the backseat in a conversation,” Roberts says. It can sound like being submissive, quiet, appeasing, indirect, fawning, and not stating our feelings and needs. We might constantly defer to the other person (“I’m totally good with whatever you want to do!”) or minimize our feelings (“It’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it.”), or apologize a lot.

When we’re using passive communication, we might be silently “waiting and hoping for others to read our minds,” says Ali Miller, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist and couples communication coach. For example, if your partner left their dirty dishes in the sink (again), a person who favors a passive communication style might privately be upset and wish their partner would change their behavior, but not say anything at all. 

Some people who favor passive communication may be just more easygoing by nature, Roberts says, and they’ll switch to a different style when they need to. But leaning heavily on this style can also indicate that we believe our needs and feelings don’t matter, Miller says. Or that avoiding potential conflict is more important. It’s also common to use a passive communication style in dynamics where you think you have less power, Miller says—like, say, when communicating with your boss. 

2. Aggressive

The other end of the spectrum is aggressive communication. This can range anywhere from dismissive to overly defensive or even bossy, says Miller. Or it can sound like being loud, demanding, hostile, or downright mean, Roberts says. You might make critical or judgemental comments (“What’s wrong with you?” or “That’s stupid”), raise your voice, or place blame, Miller adds.

If a person with an aggressive style noticed their partner left their dirty dishes in the sink, they might say something like, “You’re so lazy and inconsiderate. Put the dishes in the dishwasher!” Miller says.

Some people simply have more of an aggressive communication style, Miller says. “They might think they’re just expressing themselves. I’m passionate, I’m intense,” Roberts says. But aggressive communication can also stem from an underlying belief that only my needs and feelings matter, Miller says. Or, again, they lack the tools to communicate their needs properly—so they resort to force. 

You’re more likely to use an aggressive communication style when you feel like you have the upper hand. But you can also resort to aggression when you’re in distress and have important needs (like safety or being understood) that aren’t getting met for a long time, Miller says. “A lot of us tend to get louder when we’re not being heard.” So someone who defaults to passive communication—and has a lot of unexpressed needs bottled up—can actually end up exploding into aggressive communication. 

3. Passive-aggressive 

As the name suggests, this style is a mix of the previous two. As with passive communication, this one is characterized by avoiding directly stating your feelings or needs. But there’s a tinge (or more than a tinge) of aggression thrown in, Roberts says. It can sound like terseness, sarcasm, subtle jabs, snarkiness, saying perfectly kind words but in a bitter tone, or giving someone the silent treatment. You might roll your eyes, give a snippy, “Mhm,” or say, “Yup, that’s totally fine” in a tone that says it’s totally not. 

In our dirty dishes scenario, a passive-aggressive communicator might roll their eyes and make a sarcastic jab, Miller says, like, “Guess I’ll do the dishes…again.” Or they might not bring it up with their partner—but then, at a party that night, complain about how messy they are to a friend while the partner is in earshot. 

Unsurprisingly, these mixed signals can “often lead to the other person feeling confused,” Miller says. “Like, Wait, are you mad at me?” Or you might sense some tension, but not be able to put your finger on why. 

A passive-aggressive style often stems from “confusion about when your own needs even matter” or “feeling like you can’t express them directly,” Miller says. (Maybe because you’re afraid, or you just don’t know how.) You’re also more likely to use this style when you feel you have less power than the other party, Miller says. For instance, maybe someone who’s normally more aggressive leans more passive-aggressive in disagreements with their boss. 

4. Assertive 

Assertive communication is when we’re being direct, respectful, clear, calm, collaborative, and curious, Roberts says. We don’t resort to avoidance, intimidation, or mixed signals because we can express ourselves effectively. Assertive communication sounds like directly stating our needs and feelings—while also making space and expressing consideration for the other person’s needs and feelings, Miller says. 

You might say something like this, Miller says: “This is what I see happening. This is what I feel in relation to that. This is what I want or need. Would you be willing to do this?” And despite this being a healthy way of expressing your needs, when someone isn’t as familiar with assertive communication, they might actually mistake the person for being aggressive or “too direct,” Roberts says. 

An assertive person who saw their partner’s sinkful of dishes might say something like, “The dishes piling up in the sink makes me feel overwhelmed, and I’d love some support in keeping the home tidy so I can feel more relaxed and not resentful. Could you please put your dishes in the dishwasher at the end of the night, or can we switch off who does the dishes each day?”  

Miller says the belief at the core of assertive communication is that your needs and feelings truly matter—and so do other people’s. You believe that your desire for a clean sink matters, and you assume that your partner is also getting a need met by leaving their dishes out (like being able to just collapse on the couch after a long day). 

So we’re more inclined to be assertive when we trust that the other party values our needs and will meet them, Miller says. It’s also easier to access when we feel like we’re on equal footing with someone, Roberts says—a healthy friendship, a mutually respectful colleagueship—as well as when we’re feeling emotionally regulated. 

A few caveats about communication styles

These four communication styles aren’t always so cut and dry. Here are a few nuances experts want you to keep in mind about where the styles come from, why we jump around, and how we can learn a new style. 

A lot of factors influence your go-to style. 

So, why might we gravitate towards a particular style? You can blame that on conditioning, Miller says. How you grew up has a massive impact. “We model what we learn in our families,” Roberts says. If your parents or older siblings favored one style, that’s more likely to become your default (and seem pretty normal to you). Or maybe you grew up in a household where you learned your needs don’t matter, Miller says, so you learned to resort to passive communication. 

How we’re socialized also matters—like the communication norms of the country and culture you’re raised in. “There are certain cultures that are generally more passive and others that are more direct and assertive,” Roberts says. Gender dynamics factor in too. Girls, women, and feminine-presenting folks “have been historically socialized to be more passive,” Roberts says. Meanwhile, assertive communication can be especially tough for women, who “often struggle with expressing our needs directly [and] making clear, direct requests,” Miller says. Race can also play a role, especially if racism and racial biases have impacted the way you feel comfortable communicating. “Perceptions, biases, and expectations can influence whether [you’re] seen as confident or aggressive,” Roberts says. For instance, a woman or BIPOC person may be more likely to be accused of being aggressive when they’re being assertive.

You switch between the styles based on several factors.

It’s normal to shift gears depending on the person and scenario. If the other person has a volatile temper or is dominant in the relationship, for example, you’re more likely to tip-toe around them with passive communication. Then there’s the social norms of the environment you’re in, Roberts says—school, the office, the doctor’s office, church. Maybe you’re typically more passive-aggressive, but switch to passive when you’re talking to your teacher or manager because that’s more how you’re expected to behave. 

Your emotional state matters too. “If you’re under stress, if you’re fearful or angry, it can shift how you communicate,” Roberts explains. Maybe you’re pretty good at assertive communication when you’re feeling calm and curious—but flip into aggressive mode when you’re upset. The style you tend to lean on when you’re in distress often corresponds with your typical stress response (or “fight-or-flight” response). For example, “If your default is to go into fight mode, you’re probably more likely to have aggressive communication,” Miller says. “If your default is to go into freeze mode, you’re likely to be more passive.” 

Most of us need to practice assertive communication.  

The most effective communication style is assertive. But it doesn’t come naturally, and it’s not often modeled for us. “I don’t know anyone who is a master of assertive communication without actually working on it,” Miller says. Otherwise, we’re probably going to default to one of the others. “When we don’t know how to be assertive, or we can’t tap into our sense of empowerment or mattering, that’s when we tend to be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive,” Miller explains. 

Luckily, assertive communication is a skill you can get better at with practice. Miller says a good place to start is the Nonviolent Communication model, which is a simple four-step framework. You could also work with a therapist or coach specializing in interpersonal communication. 

None of the communication styles are bad. 

Sure, a lot of us might be aspiring to get better at assertive communication. But “none of these styles are bad or wrong,” Miller points out. “They’re all attempts to meet needs.” For example, being passive may fulfill the need for a sense of safety in a tense or dangerous situation. Being aggressive can be an attempt to be heard or appear strong. So don’t judge yourself. “We’re always doing our best,” Miller says. “Have self-compassion.” 

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