Pro Tips Link Copied 03.20.25

Your Spring Self-Care Horoscope

No judgment for that Mercury retrograde-based mental health day. ByLisa Stardust

Welcome to spring 2025! While the vibes are mixed, per usual, the planets will give us the opportunity to learn, grow, and change for the better. Those adjustments aren’t always easy, but there are plenty of ways to take care of yourself through the chaos. Here’s what we’re in for once the spring equinox hits on March 20th.

We begin the astrological year of 2025 as we always do, with Aries season. And this one starts with a bang. More specifically, we’ll be in the thick of two major planetary retrogrades. 

Venus, which has been retrograde since March 1st, continues to backslide. On March 27th, the planet ruling romantic love and creativity enters the sign of Pisces, heightening emotions and making us extra sensitive until April 12th. 

Mercury retrograde has also been causing a ruckus since March 15th. And on March 29th, the planet of communication and technology moonwalks into intuitive Pisces. Despite the mess, this is a good time to listen to your gut as you process new information. 

On the same day Mercury enters Pisces, we’ll have a solar eclipse in Aries. Unlike the lunar eclipse in Virgo on March 14th, which asked us to lean into mindfulness, the solar eclipse in Aries is all about action. Don’t be surprised if an eclipse-fueled shake-up inspires you to pursue the things you’ve wanted for a while. 

On March 30th, Neptune, the planet of spirituality and idealism, also enters fiery Aries. That transit invites us to fight for our dreams and do the self-discovery work it takes to learn more about ourselves. 

Taurus season commences on April 19th, allowing us to embrace our creativity. Some of us might even see our hard work finally pay off.

Once we get to May, our sights will be set on ~healing~ as Pluto begins its five-month retrograde, starting on the 4th. This is a great time to look back on the last several months and think about how far we’ve come and what still needs our attention. If you allow yourself to get into your feels, it can be a very cathartic period. 

Then on May 20th, we kick off Gemini season and welcome more playful vibes.

Austere Saturn, known for its strict nature, moves into Aries on May 24th, urging us to be more assertive. It’s a good time to ensure you’re taking all the necessary measures to reach your goals. 

Starting June 9th, Jupiter, who’s been traveling through the sign of Gemini for the first half of 2025, swims into Cancer. And the planet of expansion and luck is happy there. This will be the perfect opportunity to tune into our emotions and offer compassion to those who need it (including ourselves).

JSYK, how these planetary transits impact you depends on your birth chart, or a map of the planets that shows where they were in relation to your time and place of birth. 

Below, you can see what all this means for you based on your sun sign or your rising sign—both good indicators of how these will affect you. Plus, you’ll get insights on the best way to take care of yourself while it all goes down.  

Aries

As a fire sign, it’s easy for you to push through, be bold, and keep up appearances by default. But with all the transits happening in your sun sign this March (Venus retrograde, Mercury retrograde, and the solar eclipse), it’s time to shift gears. 

Your self-care assignment is vulnerability. Be honest about your feelings, ask for help, and try to go with the flow. It’s not easy, but rethinking how you respond to change can help you redefine the terms of your life and make new rules. 

Taurus 

The Venus retrograde wants you to reassess your friendships, Taurus. Once your ruling planet (Venus) ends its backward spin in Pisces on April 12th, you’ll likely find that the quality of your people is more important than the quantity. 

Still, it’s important for you to show up for those you care about too. This spring, think about the ways you can care for the people you love. How can you be more supportive, nurturing, and compassionate? Taking care of your community is a way to care for yourself. 

Gemini 

Ah, Mercury retrograde. When the planet that rules communication, technology, and your sun heads backward, it’s never easy. This time around, from March 15th to April 7th, you’ll feel as chaotic as ever. 

During this time of tech fails and miscommunications, do your best to reflect on how things have been going. Getting grounded via park walks and journaling could be just what you need to get your bearings. Don’t be surprised if this Mercury retrograde delivers new ideas. 

Cancer  

Your career is the focus of this season, Cancer. And while you might be on a path toward attaining major status in your field, you’ll first need to reassess whether your job and values align. The solar eclipse on March 29th and the Mercury and Venus retrogrades are all asking you to do exactly that. Think about your professional visions for the future, your life goals, and whether the road you’re on still makes sense. 

Take these next couple of months to reflect on what you want. By June 9th, when expansive Jupiter enters your sun sign, you’ll have the clarity you need to see those goals through. 

In the meantime, reflecting on what’s important to you, or your values, can usher in some clarity. Spend time journaling or just chatting with a friend about the stuff you’d like to prioritize moving forward. 

Leo

Don’t freak out, but Pluto is here to help you evolve this spring. When the planet of secrets, transformation, and healing goes retrograde on May 4th, feelings you’ve avoided may start to resurface. 

Take this time to rethink how you deal with big emotions. Are you proactively journaling, talking to trusted friends, or seeing a mental health professional? Or are you pushing it all down and hoping for the best?

If it’s the latter, this is your chance to find coping skills that will help you process and manage feelings like jealousy and anger. 

Virgo 

It’s been a lot lately, Virgo. The lunar eclipse in your sun sign on March 14th, the Mercury retrograde in Aries and Pisces, and the Venus retrograde (also in Aries) have shaken things up for you. 

It’s exhausting, but it’s also an opportunity for you to reflect on the types of relationships you want in your life and your communication skills. Looking back is often one of the best ways to move forward. 

Plus, the Aries solar eclipse on March 29th will give you the opportunity (and the energy) to shake off whatever isn’t working. 

As you settle into this new chapter, set some goals for yourself. How do you want this new astrological year to feel? How can you accomplish that?  

Libra 

Venus and Mercury’s retrograde through Aries this spring is hitting your house of partnerships hard. Whether it’s your business partner, your best friend, or your romantic partner, March is a great time to rethink those relationships. 

The solar eclipse in Aries in early March only amplified the drama and likely made you realize how important emotional intimacy is. Love that for you, Libra.

While finding moments of closeness in those tight relationships is important, don’t forget about the one with yourself. Prioritize quality alone time when you can, and get to know yourself as well as you know your loved ones. 

Scorpio

When Pluto, your ruling planet, retrogrades on May 4th, it’s time to embrace the things you don’t love about yourself. As the planet of secrets, transformation, and hidden truths, the Pluto retrograde wants you to reconsider what you hide from the world.

This is the perfect time to do a little shadow work, acknowledging the parts of yourself that feel embarrassing, shameful, or imperfect and embracing them (within reason). 

You could try to speak up for yourself even though you’re afraid of being too much. Or tell someone you trust something you’ve been ashamed about. Whatever you do, make self-compassion the priority. 

Sagittarius 

Jupiter in Gemini, the sign opposite your sun, may be dimming your shine, Sag. Since the planet of expansion and progress will remain there until June 9th, these last few months of the transit are asking you to take stock of all the good stuff in your life. 

Between now and June, start a regular gratitude practice. Making lists of what went well today, naming all the things you’re thankful for before bed, or celebrating your wins—even the ones you’d normally shrug off are all fair game. Relish your accomplishments. Savor the moments that spark joy.

Capricorn 

When Jupiter enters Cancer on June 9th, you can expect to see big changes in your love life. This is the time to be clear about what you want in romantic and platonic relationships and suss out anyone who isn’t throwing green flags. 

To get started, think about the things you value most in yourself, in other people, and in relationships in general. Taking stock of what’s important to you will help clarify who’s aligned and who isn’t—and they’re also a great self-discovery tool.

Aquarius 

With Pluto retrograde in your sun sign from May 4th to October 13th, the next several months are centered on reflection. More specifically, think about the ways you’ve felt slighted and the times when you may have hurt someone else. 

See if there’s an opportunity for you to forgive the people who messed up, including yourself. You’re more than your mistakes. Taking time to sit with what happened and how you feel about it can help you move forward. See if you find a new perspective. 

Pisces

When Jupiter enters your co-water sign, Cancer, on June 9th, you’ll slip into your “No thank you” era. As a chronic people pleaser, Jupiter’s expansive powers are here to help you take up space by prioritizing your own needs. 

Practice setting boundaries this season, Pisces. You can start small, like declining an invite you’d last-minute cancel anyway or waiting an hour before responding to a text. You don’t have to feel guilty for creating limits.

The post Your Spring Self-Care Horoscope appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 03.18.25

31 People Share How They’re Coping Right Now

Jurassic Park, rage singing, and drinking kombucha in a parking lot. It’s all here. BySusie Moore

If you’re feeling off this year, you’re certainly not alone. Things have been happening at a rapid-fire pace, and we can only take so much. 

As a life coach, I know there are plenty of very mindful, healthy ways to relieve anxiety. But I learned never to shame a coping skill years ago. For better or worse, we all have our thing.

Maybe you’re an overachiever who lists 125 things you’re grateful for as soon as you crack an eyelid. That’s impressive and probably effective. But there’s also the healing power of trash TV and fancy candy. Whatever gets you through, gets you through. There’s no need to judge it.

While I wouldn’t exactly recommend a three-hour TikTok scroll at 2 a.m. while eating out of a box of cereal (actually, the cereal is fine; the TikTok spiral, not so much), there are a lot of easy ways to decompress while persisting through this very long year. 

Here, I asked people how they’re coping with stress amid the constant chaos. Some of their answers might surprise you—or at least make you feel less alone. 

1. Running errands

“I go to the grocery store alone. When I’m done, I enjoy a soda or a kombucha in my truck in the parking lot. I break off a piece of my $4 bar of dark chocolate and just take a moment to do nothing.” —Heather, 41

2. Taking a staycation on the couch

“I sometimes struggle with anxiety from world events, politics, and the breakdown of the village around me—especially as a working mom. So, I find comfort in the fictional town of Stars Hollow by rewatching The Gilmore Girls. It feels nostalgic and warm to return to a place where neighbors pitch in and the native language is punchy, quippy, and clever. Call it dissociation or a staycation on the couch, but it works for me!” —Kathy, 44 

3. Checking in

“My friend and I send a voice note to each other every morning stating our positive intentions for the day.” —Francesca, 40

4. Shifting your perspective 

“I sit and visualize the cosmic hierarchy until my problems become small and distant. Going from Earth to our solar system, galaxy, and 13 billion-year-old universe helps me see how small my biggest concerns are.” —Heath, 38

5. Doing something with friends

“Whether it’s lunch with a friend or a night out, getting out of the house helps me cope.  Even if I don’t want to leave, once I’m out I never regret it. It always feels refreshing.” —Danielle, 36

6. Focusing on one thing at a time 

“Being as present as possible in whatever I do keeps my brain from thinking too far ahead, even with so much going on.” —Amy Purdy, 45

7. Dancing for the hell of it

“I’ve been hosting virtual dance parties set to Y2K music and reggaeton (think Missy Elliott and Bad Bunny) and it has brought me so much joy! The positive energy shift helps me feel more creative, embodied, and confident as we all move through uncertainty.” —Kimberly, 32

8. Finding safe spaces

“Going for a drive alone tends to clear my head. Sometimes I’ll call a close friend who is a safe space and allows me to speak freely while I’m out and about. That always gives me a good reset.” —Jamie, 41 

9. Naming your existential anxiety

“I had a therapist who offered an interesting tool: He told me to personify my anxiety. Give it a name, dress it up in an outfit, put it in a real place, and then have a conversation with it like it’s a person. Ask what it wants or what it needs to calm down. Then ask it to go away. Then, the idea of anxiety doesn’t feel like a monster, but a tangible thing you can have a conversation with.” —Tim, 44

10. Just breathing

“Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.” —Cali Rose, 3

11. Watching good TV

“I’m watching Younger (and other fun comfort shows) on Netflix like it’s my job. While I’m cooking, while I’m eating lunch, while I’m folding laundry. It’s turned mundane tasks into something fun. This way, the horrors don’t take over my brain and it’s easier to do the things I need to take care of myself.” —JJ, 40 

12. Getting grounded

“I do the butterfly hug, crossing my arms over my chest and alternately tapping my shoulders in a nice, steady rhythm. Once my body feels safe, my emotions, thoughts, and the world feel more manageable.” —Kate, 41

13. Reading 

“I’ve been reading a lot of fiction whenever the overwhelm starts to creep up on me. Being immersed in another supernatural world allows my mind and body to take a break and just relax.”  —Jody, 36

14. Staying present

“These days I am using the monk, Zen master, and activist, Thich Nhat Hanh’s breath practice: ‘I feel my inhale; I feel my exhale.’ It’s that simple.” —Annmerle, 73

15. Getting out of dodge. 

“Sometimes a change of scenery is all I need to gain a little clarity, perspective, and hope that there will be better times ahead. Also, getting out of town reminds me it’s my responsibility to enjoy my life while I still have one!” —Tara, 37

16. Doing the little things

“Going to bed earlier, wearing my favorite PJs, expressing my gratitude for the day, kissing my husband goodnight, spending more time in nature, noticing the birds and my surroundings, being still, and trying to lift up at least one person each day helps.” —Natalie, 62 

17. Letting that shit go

“I pay attention to any thoughts that are weighing me down or making my head spin, and I intentionally release them. It might sound crazy, but I feel so grounded afterward.” —Lauren, 31 

18. Walking the dog

“I’m loving my daily lunchtime walks. I take my dog and leave my phone. We call it unplugging to recharge, and I swear that I sleep better!” —Krystalyn, 35

19. Matching music to your mood

“I’ll gladly turn to a rage song and scream-sing for as long as I need. Then, I’ll play something calming or joyful to get my body relaxed and grooving to a happy tune.” —Sadie, 41

20. Chilling out

“If it’s cold outside, I open a window or step out. If not, I get an ice pack or cold wash cloth and put it on the back of my neck. Splashing my face with cold water works too.” —Ashley, 38

21. Taking a bubble bath.

“I cope by making time to wind down at the end of every day. My favorite coping routine is a candlelit Epsom salt bubble bath with essential oils, a cup of tea, and a good read.” —Erica, 40

22. Watching movies

“I’ve been rewatching the Jurassic Park movies, which somehow feel very relevant right now. Though things get hectic, our favorite characters live through it.” —Serena, 46

23. Feeling the gratitude 

“I think of a thing I’m grateful for that day, and I try to expand that feeling so it encompasses my whole body.” —Courtney, 48

24. Using all of the tools

“I’m reading all the smutty books I can get my peri-menopausal hands on, staying off social media, and focusing my frustrations on ways I can make an actual change (i.e. local and state-level politics).” —Karen, 47

25. Riding a bike

“Cycling in the forest with my kids is pure magic!” —Carrie, 37

26. Using your phone ~mindfully~

“I am mindful of how I consume the news or social media. A wise woman once told me to treat my phone like a fork, only using it when I truly need to.” —Michelle, 44

27. Going on a walk

“I love walking every day at lunchtime. It gets me out and allows me to reset.” —Krysta, 38

28. Writing 

“Journaling my guts out first thing every morning when I wake up (without my phone) for 45 minutes is what I’ve done for 17 years. It gives my crazy thoughts a place to go.” —Anna, 45 

29. Being silly

“I mimic every funny sound my toddler makes until we both start laughing!” —Andreana, 36

30. Tapping it out

“EFT tapping helps me process my emotions, calm down, and shift my mindset when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious.” —Allie, 37

31. Making time for my friends

“Sisterhood is everything to me and my mental health. I’m not sure if they know how much I rely on them for this.” —Angelina, 39

Susie Moore is host of the Let It Be Easy podcast. 

The post 31 People Share How They’re Coping Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.14.25

15 Tips for Making a Routine You’ll Actually Stick To

Step one: Do it for you…not your social media. ByLexi Inks Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

You might know people who lift weights, make breakfast, work on their novel, and probably contemplate world domination all before sunrise. Or maybe you’ve seen the GRWM and “5 to 9 after my 9 to 5” videos on your social feed. Maybe you’ve spiraled (as one does) about how to create a routine of your own—and here we are!

While your regimen doesn’t have to be that  intense, building a daily routine of any kind can help you meet your goals, stay organized, and stress less about making decisions, explains therapist Risa Williams, LMFT, author of Get Stuff Done Without the Stress  and a professor at Pepperdine University. Plus, creating a routine can give you a sense of control that enables you to cope with chaos, says therapist Sachiko Tate, LCSW. Something you can relate to these days, perhaps?

If you want to learn how to build a routine, these therapist-backed tips will get you started.

1. Be your own motivation.

While those GRWM videos are weirdly satisfying, attempting to live your life like one is much less so. That’s because we can’t count on cheers, likes, or even envy from others to fuel our habits, says Williams. Instead, we need internal sources of motivation to fuel this new routine. Maybe you want to feel more in control of your day or less rushed before and after work. Those are the kinds of goals that can feed your self-esteem and confidence, she adds. 

2. Set intentions you can crush.

The most important part of creating a routine is identifying the goals you want to work toward. Once you know that, it’ll be easier to pinpoint the habits that’ll get you there. And it’s never a bad thing to make those goals very realistic. Because if you feel like the outcome of your new habits is doable, it’s easier to believe in yourself. Then, you may be more motivated to keep going, says psychotherapist Samantha Zhu, LMHC.

Another way to set the bar lower on this whole fresh routine thing (in a good way!) is by giving yourself a chill timeline to achieve your goals. Having ample time to adjust to new habits can help you begin and maintain an effective routine, says licensed psychologist David Tzall, PsyD. Let’s say your goal is to develop an online presence across multiple social platforms so you can get your dream social media job. If you currently stink at posting regularly, don’t set out to hard-launch your new vibe within a month. Instead, focus your routine on posting more consistently to IG and build your content creation cadence from there. Then, you can progress to developing a routine that helps you post regularly on all platforms. 

3. Create a feelings goal.

While goal-setting can look like listing out tangible achievements, like “I want to read the whole Dune  series by the end of summer,” you can and should  think about your emotional goals too, aka what feelings  you hope to have more of by following this routine, Tate says. If you want to read more books because you feel like you should  be reading more, then please see yourself back to step one. But if you want to get your Dune  series on as a way to quiet your mind and feel more peaceful before bed, keeping that feeling goal in mind can help you stick with it when a Netflix binge is calling to you. 

4. Write down your goals and how you’re going to reach them.

Routines serve as a roadmap for getting to your goals (what you want to do or feel), but if you don’t write down your goals and the routine you’ll use to accomplish it, you risk not following through. Zhu’s recommendation? Use a simple checklist or get creative with a calendar or another visual tool (like a bullet journal or habit tracker) to keep track of your habits. You might need to make lists and write things down several times in order to make them “stick” in your mind.

As for the emotional and tangible goals you’re working toward, keeping a journal to get honest about how it’s going can help you see how you’re progressing and if you’ve noticed an improvement.

5. Start with the bare minimum.

Even if you’re very motivated to feel less crazed in the mornings or to get some screenless downtime before bed, that doesn’t always seem important when your alarm goes off or Netflix queues up another episode. You can’t always count on your “why” to keep up with your new habits, which makes starting or restarting a routine hard, says Williams. 

That’s when you can reach for the smallest, easiest task and begin building momentum. Williams calls this “activation energy.” It’s the “bare minimum amount of energy required to get you moving,” she explains.

Once you’ve gotten started by, say, getting up to brush your teeth instead of hitting snooze again, you’re more likely to keep going. You could also lay out your clothes and shoes for your run the night before or place an open book on your couch.

6. Give yourself options.

Having different strategies for accomplishing a goal can make it less intimidating. That’s why a “grab bag” of options is the way to go, says Williams. For example, say you’re writing a memoir. Amazing! But writing 1,000 words a day may not be realistic when you’re low on energy. So, maybe you have a few lower-lift strategies to get you closer to your goal. That could be brainstorming the next chapter or looking at nostalgic photos. “As humans, we have to be flexible. Every day you wake up, your energy and focus are different. So you have to constantly be recalibrating,” Williams says.

7. Focus on your own progress.

Sorry to tell you, but comparing your progress to someone else’s will not help your routine, says Williams. Perhaps your goal is to read one book a month. Yay for you! Getting down on yourself for not keeping up with a BookTok-er who reads an entire series in a week will just make you feel like crap. How motivating is that?

Think of it this way: They’re doing them, and you’re doing you. Plus, you don’t know their life or what they have to sacrifice to accomplish that goal. “Sometimes the people posting all that stuff are very stressed out, and they are one step away from burnout,” Williams notes. “You just don’t see that.”

8. Make the most of your free time.

One helpful way to create consistent, effective routines without going to bed before your fave comfort show airs or waking up at the crack of dawn is to fit new habits into open slots in your schedule, says licensed psychologist Jaci Lopez Witmer, PsyD. 

If you’ve been wanting to spend more time with your friend down the street but can’t bring yourself to go out on a Friday night, see if you can squeeze in recurring walks with them on Sunday evenings after grocery shopping and before your weekly Sunday scaries pampering routine. Whatever your ideal situation might be, see where those new tasks fit most seamlessly into your schedule. 

9. Focus on consistency.

This might shock you, but the actual tasks and timing associated with your new routine aren’t as big of a deal as the fact that you’re making goals and sticking with them, says Dr. Tzall. “Consistency is most important.” 

So even if your ~rituals~ entail flossing your teeth before bed, tracking your sleep, and having a glass of water at noon every day, repeatedly returning to those (even if you miss a few days) can come with a sense of accomplishment, an elevated mood, confidence, and motivation. Keeping that in mind can also take the pressure off of feeling like you need to execute a complicated routine perfectly every single day, Tate explains.

Of course, staying consistent looks different for every person, Tate adds. So if planning out every hour of your day works for you long-term, cool! But if you need more flexibility and just want to commit to a 15-minute mental health walk once a week, that works too.  

10. Lean on your people.

If you’re just starting out and are struggling to build consistency, consider tapping your community for help. “Telling another [person about] your routine or taking a person along can make you more accountable and give you motivation,” Dr. Tzall says. Just like you get up and go to work because someone expects you to be there (and your livelihood probably depends on it), having someone remind you why you started this new routine can make a huge difference. “Social influence can be a strong motivator,” he adds.

Having someone with you or on FaceTime while you’re on a walk, meal prepping, or organizing your closet is often referred to as body doubling, notes Williams. And it can 100% keep you accountable.

11. Don’t forget to be your own cheerleader. 

Discipline does not mean punishing yourself when you slip up. It’s about showing up for yourself even when you don’t feel like it and your goal feels so far away, says Tate.

If you’re feeling discouraged about your progress, return to your journal or just think of how you wanted to feel by committing to these habits when you started. Revisiting your initial goals can encourage you to get back on track. You’re not always going to be excited to drink more water or go on that hike you had planned—and that’s OK! Reference how you want to feel instead of harping on the blah-ness you’re experiencing in the present moment, Tate says.

Celebrating small wins and having visual reminders of your “why” can also keep your morale up, notes Tate. Give yourself a mental or literal high-five for getting outside 10 minutes before it rained. Put encouraging messages on your mirror or set them as your phone’s background. Make a vision board. Whatever feels like you’re cheering yourself on!

12. Embrace a different type of reward. 

One of the most feel-good motivators for sticking with a routine is rewarding yourself when you follow through. But while it’s important to celebrate your progress (whether it’s with a spa day, an extra 30 minutes of TV time, or a long shower), the external stuff is only helpful to a certain degree, Tate explains. The reward that sparks the most motivation (we’re sorry to report) is making progress toward your emotional and tangible goals. Yeah, it’s annoying news, but it is the truth. If you’ve been consistent with your routine, you’ll probably notice that you’re inching closer to those goals, whether it’s feeling calmer before bedtime or having more structure throughout your workday.

13. Keep it balanced.

When you’re laser-focused on your routine, it can be hard to stay flexible with your time and energy. In order to take care of our mental well-being and avoid burnout, you have to find a balance between structure and spontaneity with your time. “We need to have a little bit of both,” says licensed clinical social worker Julia López, PhD, MPH, LCSW. So even if you’re running with your pup three times a week or meditating for 20 minutes every morning, don’t forget to make a point to do unstructured chilling that has nothing to do with your goals or routine. 

A routine should bring you a sense of calm, peace, and stability, so if it’s making you feel even more stressed or out of control, think about whether your plan is too strict or it’s just not exciting you anymore or if it’s really necessary to reach your goals, Tate suggests.  

14. Be gentle with yourself. 

When you deviate from your routine and struggle to tap into your discipline, have a little empathy for yourself. “We can often feel like failing to follow our routine equates to [personal] failure,” says Zhu. And if you consider yourself a big loser for missing a day or even a week, then you might just give up altogether, derailing your routine before you even get the consistency machine in motion. It’s completely fine to take a break, whether you meant to or not. If you feel like this routine is making a positive impact on your life, the important thing is to get after it again.

15. Adjust as needed. 

As exciting and invigorating as it can feel to consistently stick to your routines, making space for adjustments can keep you from burning out. “If sticking with a routine is not effective or is too stressful, then you need to give yourself permission to say, ‘Let me try something else.’ Giving yourself grace to step back and evaluate how it is working for you is healthy for your mental well-being,” Dr. Tzall says.

If it’s hard for you to assess your feelings about your routine while you’re in the thick of it, you can hit pause for a few days or weeks, says Williams. Say you’ve been obsessively meal prepping on weekends. Take a breather this time around. If making lunches the night before or buying $20 salads stresses you out more, then you know what to do. Still, if dedicating your entire Sunday to feeding Future You really isn’t working, try buying groceries and making lunches on different days. Or make less and supplement with a couple of overpriced salads every week. Be honest about what you need, and experiment to find what works best for you.

The post 15 Tips for Making a Routine You’ll Actually Stick To appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 03.14.25

33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary)

Fight the urge to add, "No worries if not!!!" ByShannon Barbour Additional reporting byAshley Oerman

Whether you’re struggling with a work problem or something more personal, figuring out how to ask for help can be daunting. That’s especially true if you’re embarrassed about needing an assist in the first place.

Blame it on ~society~ or the way you were raised, but it’s common to feel like you have to go it alone through the hard stuff. 

For example, you might have been taught that accomplishments are only worthy of celebration if you do it yourself. If others contributed to your efforts, the achievement doesn’t count. With that mindset, who would even consider sending an SOS in the thick of a work project, finals week, or just cleaning out the garage?

On top of that, the idea of seeking support can be tainted by embarrassment, shame, and a fear of rejection. Maybe you reached out to someone for help in the past and were met with crickets or a snarky comment. That can definitely make you think twice before doing it again. 

Honestly, the number of reasons you might hesitate to get help are endless—everyone has their own brand of phone-a-friend phobia. But we’re happy to report that there are just as many strategies to ask for it.

Below, you’ll find a bunch of copy/paste-able ways to send up a verbal smoke signal when you need it (you’ll even learn how to ask for help without asking for help). Get ready to feel a lot better. 

When you’re in your feels 

Here’s a gentle newsflash: People will generally just not respond if they don’t have the time and energy to talk, so don’t be afraid about bothering someone when you’re emotionally underwater. When it’s time to open up, be as direct as possible about your feelings and what might help and consider acknowledging how tough this is for you without being overly, “No worries if not!!!” 

Even if you don’t totally know what you’re feeling at the moment, you’re allowed to just ask a friend to go on a boba run and then try to sift through your stuff together (also that would be *chef’s kiss* if you get the sense your feelings are mainly loneliness).

Whatever route you choose, here are some ways to start the convo. 

1. I don’t mean to burden you, but I’ve been struggling with something, and I think talking to you would really help. Could I share the situation with you?
2. I’m really, really overwhelmed about [insert what’s bugging you here]. Could you let me know what you think?
3. This is hard for me to talk about, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to. But… can we try? 
4. Honestly, I’m not doing OK, but it would really help to talk to you about what’s going on, if you have time. 
5. I’m feeling a little off lately. Would you be down to watch the game later or go to the movies with me?
6. I’m not sure I need advice or anything, but can I word vomit about this issue I’m having? 
7. To be honest, I’m having a hard time right now. 
8. Hey, I need some help.

When you want to ask for help…without asking for help

Listen, being direct and using your words is highly recommended when seeking guidance from others. Communicating clearly helps your people understand the problem, what you need, and how they can help. 

If you’re out here looking to get a hand without coming off too strong, there are ways to ease into the chat.

However, once you’ve got their attention, the key is to be straightforward about the issue and the part they can play. It’s not enough to put yourself out there and hope they read your mind, unfortunately. With those caveats out of the way, here are a few questions to break the ice.

1. It’s been a while since we’ve had a life update! When are you free?
2. Quick question: How much bed rotting is too much bed rotting? 
3. Is Mercury retrograde making your month as unhinged as mine? 
4. I’m in desperate need of some comfort TV. Any recs? 
5. Have I ever told you how good you are at giving advice? 
6. Do you like your therapist? Are they taking new clients? 
7. I haven’t showered in four days. Is that bad? 
8. Is the existential dread coming for you too?

When the stakes aren’t super high

Reaching out isn’t always a make-or-break scenario. So it’s OK to be a little more casual about asks like needing friendship advice or help transporting the amazing, definitely not bed-bug-ridden dresser you spotted on the curb. When the situation is more chill, here are some convo-starters to borrow. 

1. Can I be mean for a sec? I need to vent. 
2. Are you emotionally available for a deep chat, by chance? I need some advice but don’t wanna overwhelm you. Let me know if there’s a good time!
3. Not to be dramatic, but this is an 🆘
4. I need help with _____, and I don’t really know how to deal. Can you brainstorm with me? 
5. Hi! Can I tell you about my awful day?
6. Mind helping me with this thing that’s been bugging me when you get a chance? 
7. I need an assist. Like, right now. 
8. Wait, I need your take on this. 
9. Can you help me with something real quick? 
10. Pls. Send. Help. (Or Uber Eats, but call me.)

When you have to be professional about it 

If your problems are work-related, you’ll probably want to maintain some composure while expressing what’s up to your colleagues. Bursting into tears, while often effective at getting immediate help, isn’t always the way you want to get your point across. Here’s how to touch base/run it up the flagpole/close the loop or whatever corporate jargon your boss speaks. 

1. I’m not quite sure how to manage these new tasks on top of my existing workload. Could you help me prioritize?
2. You’re so good at _____. Can I run something by you for a gut check? 
3. I’ve been working on _____, and I’m feeling a little stuck. Do you have time for a 10-minute chat to answer a few Qs that could help me finish this up? 
4. I’ve been trying to improve on _____, and I really value your input. Would you be open to chatting about this in our next 1:1? 
5. Can I borrow your brain for a few minutes? 
6. Hi, squeaky wheel here. Can we revisit _____? 
7. When _____ doesn’t get done, it impacts _____. Could you help me take care of these tasks more often? 

Also, if you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to or if you’re in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

The post 33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary) appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.06.25

10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure

1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. ByLauren Del Turco Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem. 

So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”

Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks. 

Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.

Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can  learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.

1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.

“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.

2. Find the lesson in comparison.

You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your  dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.

There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.  

The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.

3. Don’t let criticism crush you.

Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally. 

Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!

Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable. 

4. Prove your insecurity wrong.

This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”

You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!

5. Flip the script on self-talk.

Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs,” Dr. Hayes says. “Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you’re feeling insecure.

6. Start asking questions.

When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.

First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.

Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?

Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort. 

Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.

7. Check in with your people. 

When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.  

When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured. 

Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make  you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.

8. Remind your body that you’re good.

Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.

9. Take note of the positives.

Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.

10. Explore the root of the issue.

If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”

Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes. 

The post 10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.05.25

10 Signs You’re Mentally Exhausted

Check, check, and check! BySam Brodsky

It’s usually obvious when your body is just…done. Out of order. Ready for sweet, sweet slumber. But feeling mentally exhausted is a little more complicated to pinpoint—because how can you really  tell when your brain needs a reboot?   

Technically speaking, mental exhaustion is not a clinical term, so there’s no real diagnostic criteria that helps us define it, says licensed psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD. But you can think of it as your brain being out of battery, she says. “It’s like using your phone, using all the apps, all day long. Your battery is going to drain much, much quicker than if you weren’t on your phone all day.” 

Maybe you’ve been doing something mentally taxing or stressful for a while—like focusing on work, multitasking, problem-solving, navigating your or others’ emotions, or making a ton of decisions—without a break, Dr. Rubenstein explains. Or you might feel drained from the emotional and logistical toll of having a physical or mental illness, she adds. 

If you’re thinking that mental exhaustion sounds a lot like burnout, you’re not wrong! They’re similar; they just aren’t necessarily exactly the same. Dr. Rubenstein considers mental exhaustion a part of  burnout or a factor that can lead to  feeling burned out. Burnout is “the natural conclusion to when mental exhaustion is stretched out over a long period of time,” agrees therapist Nathan Luecking, LICSW. Cool, so we want to avoid that, but how can we really know when we’re mentally exhausted? 

Ahead, experts break down telltale signs you’re mentally spent. You may not experience all of these, but you might find a few of them to be especially relatable and consistent in your own life. Let’s get into it—plus, what to do about this type of fatigue if you relate. 

1. You have trouble concentrating.

It’s harder for you to concentrate when you’re mentally drained because your brain’s prefrontal cortex, which is in charge of things like planning and paying attention, is overloaded, explains Dr. Rubenstein. You might find yourself rereading emails over and over, for instance. You see the words! They’re there! You just can’t focus on them, she says. 

It’s especially difficult to focus when you’re mentally exhausted from stress, notes Luecking. You can’t concentrate on anything else because you’re thinking about how to deal or you’re zeroing in on the high-alert physical feelings (rapid heart rate, GI issues, headache, etc.), he explains. Or, if everything is stressing you out, you might suck at paying attention during conversations or work since you’re getting pulled in different directions, Luecking says. 

2. You make mistakes.

You might eff up more when you’re mentally spent—and research even backs that up. In general, that has to do with not being able to focus, say Luecking and Dr. Rubenstein. You might misspell words, put a spoon away in the junk drawer, or use the wrong toothbrush—literally anything! Your brain is tired, Dr. Rubenstein says. That’s it!

3. You have decision fatigue.

When mental exhaustion sets in, your brain can struggle to weigh different options, says Dr. Rubenstein. “You might feel paralyzed when faced with simple choices, like, What do I cook for dinner?  or, How do I respond to this email?  If that’s not something that is usually an issue for you, and it becomes one, then that’s mental exhaustion.” You might notice this after a long day, Dr. Rubenstein notes. And it’s not that you’re in analysis paralysis because you’re scared to make up your mind; you simply don’t have the mental energy to decide. 

4. You’re irritable AF.

As we’ve established, you might have trouble focusing on your to-do list or a yap sesh. But your boss messaging you another assignment or someone texting you about their bad day can also be a tipping point when you feel like you can’t take on anything else. Enter: frustration and irritation, says Luecking. You might get pissed over things that don’t normally bother you (like someone being a little too slow while paying for their takeout ahead of you), notes Dr. Rubenstein. Basically, you are Grumpy Cat.

5. The overwhelm is real.

Just like you may be easily ticked off when you’re mentally checked out, it might be hard to handle your emotions in other ways when your brain’s fatigued. For example, you can feel overwhelmed by things that are usually manageable, like packing your kids’ bags for school, says Dr. Rubenstein. Anything feels like a chore when you’re drained because you don’t have the mental energy to get it done—even something small. “When your emotional load is already heavy, even the slightest addition can feel overwhelming,” Luecking explains. 

6. You procrastinate.

Some people push through and log more hours on their computer when they’re mentally exhausted (risking the chance they’ll make mistakes or burn out). Others tend to put off tasks because just thinking about doing them is stressful, says Luecking. You’re less motivated, so you cope by avoiding stuff that feels daunting, agrees Dr. Rubenstein. Sound familiar? 

7. You don’t even really want to do things you like to do.

Think about it: When you’re out of steam, you may not have the energy to participate in the book club that you, an avid reader, started. You can’t imagine recapping the latest reality TV drama with friends. Sometimes it’s about not being up for it, but it can also just be a feeling of apathy, where you don’t seem to care, notes Luecking. And, yes, that’s frustrating as hell. 

8. You isolate from other people.

It’s pretty obvious by now that a mentally exhausted person is stretched thinner than thin. You can’t really handle one more decision or favor, so you might want to peace out and hide from the world, says Luecking. If you’ve spent a full day bed rotting with your phone on silent, watching your favorite comfort show, you probably know the feeling.

Sure, you most likely care about your inner circle. However, “even if you were to go sit down with a friend, would you have the capacity to connect with them?” Luecking asks. It’s a good question, and the answer is probably not—because it’ll feel like such a heavy lift. 

Plus, being mentally exhausted makes you feel hopeless at times, like there’s no end in sight, which can make you further want to isolate, he notes.  

9. You’re super self-critical.

Being mentally exhausted doesn’t necessarily make you bully yourself. But when you’re messing up or having trouble concentrating because of your mental fatigue, that can stir up some self-criticism, says Luecking. You might be hard on yourself for not fully paying attention to someone’s story over dinner or spiral with you-should-have-known-better  thoughts when you forgot a due date. You might also judge yourself for feeling like you need support from others but not having the energy to reach out, Luecking says. (Psst…you need to be kinder! More on that later.) 

10. Your body is out of whack.

When it’s severe or chronic, mental exhaustion even leads to physical symptoms, says health psychologist Margaret Maher, PhD. (Let’s hear it for the mind-body connection!) You can have headaches and muscle tension, a hard time sleeping, GI issues, and high blood pressure, she says. Then, it’s sort of cyclical, where a lot of these physical symptoms cause more mental exhaustion, she explains. All of this can end up being physically exhausting too. “When we feel intense stress, our bodies have a biological reaction. Levels of chemicals like hormones and neurotransmitters change, our muscles tense, our heart rates fluctuate. These biological changes can add up, leading to feelings of physical fatigue over time,” she explains. 

OK, I’m mentally exhausted. What can I do about it?

Consider these warning signs a reason to slow down, take a break, and reflect on what’s stressing you out. Because, as we said, mental exhaustion that goes unchecked can lead to burnout. 

That might mean taking a mental health day or a vacation if you can, says Luecking. You can also rest and reset in a smaller capacity, such as catching up with a friend or moving your body in a way that feels good to you, he notes.

Sure, you may struggle to get moving or connect with your people if you don’t have the energy—and that’s OK. Maybe your idea of recharging is scrolling Instagram—just don’t clock too much screen time that it jacks up the stress, notes Dr. Rubenstein. In that same vein, try to avoid content, like the news or anything scary, that’ll turn into a doomscroll, says Luecking.

And, of course (as you might have expected), implementing breaks into your work schedule can help you feel less mental fatigue. One technique to try is the Pomodoro method, where you repeat 25-minute working intervals followed by short breaks to get some water or go to the bathroom (or do the above suggestions), says Dr. Rubenstein. Timers or body doubling with someone can keep you on track, she notes. 

If you’re feeling physical symptoms of stress due to mental exhaustion, Dr. Maher recommends doing things that relax you—stuff that’ll slow your heart rate down and ease muscle tension, for example. Think: deep breathing, meditation, and yoga. Perhaps incorporate those into your breaks too. 

If breaks aren’t feasible, switch to a task that doesn’t feel as heavy and still gives your brain a break, Dr. Rubenstein suggests. That might look like checking emails for a few minutes when you feel stuck writing a report. 

Next up is setting boundaries. Being mindful of how much you take on at work or in your personal life helps prevent mental exhaustion in the first place, but it’s also important when you’re already drained. Say no, delegate tasks, or move to-do list items to tomorrow when you’re exhausted so you don’t make things worse, notes Dr. Rubenstein. (You know…time management hacks.)

Talking about your exhaustion can help too. Yes, hiding from the world might seem like a better option, but venting can foster validation, Dr. Rubenstein says. This convo should be with someone who is nonjudgmental and has your best interest at heart, like a pal or a therapist, notes Luecking. 

This is also a good time to practice self-compassion and be less judgy with yourself, Luecking says. Instead of berating yourself for being forgetful because your brain is scrambled eggs, start by just acknowledging how mentally exhausted you are. Then, tell yourself that being under a ton of pressure and stress obviously can make a person (aka, you) eff up. 

Lastly, if you still feel like you’re struggling—especially after trying some of these expert-backed tips—seeing a mental health professional could provide the extra support you need, says Dr. Rubenstein. And, if you’re dealing with physical symptoms that you’re concerned about, you can seek help from a medical doctor or a health psychologist, Dr. Maher says.

The post 10 Signs You’re Mentally Exhausted appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

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