Stories Link Copied 03.18.25

31 People Share How They’re Coping Right Now

Jurassic Park, rage singing, and drinking kombucha in a parking lot. It’s all here. BySusie Moore

If you’re feeling off this year, you’re certainly not alone. Things have been happening at a rapid-fire pace, and we can only take so much. 

As a life coach, I know there are plenty of very mindful, healthy ways to relieve anxiety. But I learned never to shame a coping skill years ago. For better or worse, we all have our thing.

Maybe you’re an overachiever who lists 125 things you’re grateful for as soon as you crack an eyelid. That’s impressive and probably effective. But there’s also the healing power of trash TV and fancy candy. Whatever gets you through, gets you through. There’s no need to judge it.

While I wouldn’t exactly recommend a three-hour TikTok scroll at 2 a.m. while eating out of a box of cereal (actually, the cereal is fine; the TikTok spiral, not so much), there are a lot of easy ways to decompress while persisting through this very long year. 

Here, I asked people how they’re coping with stress amid the constant chaos. Some of their answers might surprise you—or at least make you feel less alone. 

1. Running errands

“I go to the grocery store alone. When I’m done, I enjoy a soda or a kombucha in my truck in the parking lot. I break off a piece of my $4 bar of dark chocolate and just take a moment to do nothing.” —Heather, 41

2. Taking a staycation on the couch

“I sometimes struggle with anxiety from world events, politics, and the breakdown of the village around me—especially as a working mom. So, I find comfort in the fictional town of Stars Hollow by rewatching The Gilmore Girls. It feels nostalgic and warm to return to a place where neighbors pitch in and the native language is punchy, quippy, and clever. Call it dissociation or a staycation on the couch, but it works for me!” —Kathy, 44 

3. Checking in

“My friend and I send a voice note to each other every morning stating our positive intentions for the day.” —Francesca, 40

4. Shifting your perspective 

“I sit and visualize the cosmic hierarchy until my problems become small and distant. Going from Earth to our solar system, galaxy, and 13 billion-year-old universe helps me see how small my biggest concerns are.” —Heath, 38

5. Doing something with friends

“Whether it’s lunch with a friend or a night out, getting out of the house helps me cope.  Even if I don’t want to leave, once I’m out I never regret it. It always feels refreshing.” —Danielle, 36

6. Focusing on one thing at a time 

“Being as present as possible in whatever I do keeps my brain from thinking too far ahead, even with so much going on.” —Amy Purdy, 45

7. Dancing for the hell of it

“I’ve been hosting virtual dance parties set to Y2K music and reggaeton (think Missy Elliott and Bad Bunny) and it has brought me so much joy! The positive energy shift helps me feel more creative, embodied, and confident as we all move through uncertainty.” —Kimberly, 32

8. Finding safe spaces

“Going for a drive alone tends to clear my head. Sometimes I’ll call a close friend who is a safe space and allows me to speak freely while I’m out and about. That always gives me a good reset.” —Jamie, 41 

9. Naming your existential anxiety

“I had a therapist who offered an interesting tool: He told me to personify my anxiety. Give it a name, dress it up in an outfit, put it in a real place, and then have a conversation with it like it’s a person. Ask what it wants or what it needs to calm down. Then ask it to go away. Then, the idea of anxiety doesn’t feel like a monster, but a tangible thing you can have a conversation with.” —Tim, 44

10. Just breathing

“Smell the flowers, blow out the candles.” —Cali Rose, 3

11. Watching good TV

“I’m watching Younger (and other fun comfort shows) on Netflix like it’s my job. While I’m cooking, while I’m eating lunch, while I’m folding laundry. It’s turned mundane tasks into something fun. This way, the horrors don’t take over my brain and it’s easier to do the things I need to take care of myself.” —JJ, 40 

12. Getting grounded

“I do the butterfly hug, crossing my arms over my chest and alternately tapping my shoulders in a nice, steady rhythm. Once my body feels safe, my emotions, thoughts, and the world feel more manageable.” —Kate, 41

13. Reading 

“I’ve been reading a lot of fiction whenever the overwhelm starts to creep up on me. Being immersed in another supernatural world allows my mind and body to take a break and just relax.”  —Jody, 36

14. Staying present

“These days I am using the monk, Zen master, and activist, Thich Nhat Hanh’s breath practice: ‘I feel my inhale; I feel my exhale.’ It’s that simple.” —Annmerle, 73

15. Getting out of dodge. 

“Sometimes a change of scenery is all I need to gain a little clarity, perspective, and hope that there will be better times ahead. Also, getting out of town reminds me it’s my responsibility to enjoy my life while I still have one!” —Tara, 37

16. Doing the little things

“Going to bed earlier, wearing my favorite PJs, expressing my gratitude for the day, kissing my husband goodnight, spending more time in nature, noticing the birds and my surroundings, being still, and trying to lift up at least one person each day helps.” —Natalie, 62 

17. Letting that shit go

“I pay attention to any thoughts that are weighing me down or making my head spin, and I intentionally release them. It might sound crazy, but I feel so grounded afterward.” —Lauren, 31 

18. Walking the dog

“I’m loving my daily lunchtime walks. I take my dog and leave my phone. We call it unplugging to recharge, and I swear that I sleep better!” —Krystalyn, 35

19. Matching music to your mood

“I’ll gladly turn to a rage song and scream-sing for as long as I need. Then, I’ll play something calming or joyful to get my body relaxed and grooving to a happy tune.” —Sadie, 41

20. Chilling out

“If it’s cold outside, I open a window or step out. If not, I get an ice pack or cold wash cloth and put it on the back of my neck. Splashing my face with cold water works too.” —Ashley, 38

21. Taking a bubble bath.

“I cope by making time to wind down at the end of every day. My favorite coping routine is a candlelit Epsom salt bubble bath with essential oils, a cup of tea, and a good read.” —Erica, 40

22. Watching movies

“I’ve been rewatching the Jurassic Park movies, which somehow feel very relevant right now. Though things get hectic, our favorite characters live through it.” —Serena, 46

23. Feeling the gratitude 

“I think of a thing I’m grateful for that day, and I try to expand that feeling so it encompasses my whole body.” —Courtney, 48

24. Using all of the tools

“I’m reading all the smutty books I can get my peri-menopausal hands on, staying off social media, and focusing my frustrations on ways I can make an actual change (i.e. local and state-level politics).” —Karen, 47

25. Riding a bike

“Cycling in the forest with my kids is pure magic!” —Carrie, 37

26. Using your phone ~mindfully~

“I am mindful of how I consume the news or social media. A wise woman once told me to treat my phone like a fork, only using it when I truly need to.” —Michelle, 44

27. Going on a walk

“I love walking every day at lunchtime. It gets me out and allows me to reset.” —Krysta, 38

28. Writing 

“Journaling my guts out first thing every morning when I wake up (without my phone) for 45 minutes is what I’ve done for 17 years. It gives my crazy thoughts a place to go.” —Anna, 45 

29. Being silly

“I mimic every funny sound my toddler makes until we both start laughing!” —Andreana, 36

30. Tapping it out

“EFT tapping helps me process my emotions, calm down, and shift my mindset when I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious.” —Allie, 37

31. Making time for my friends

“Sisterhood is everything to me and my mental health. I’m not sure if they know how much I rely on them for this.” —Angelina, 39

Susie Moore is host of the Let It Be Easy podcast. 

The post 31 People Share How They’re Coping Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.12.24

Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal

It’s like trying to fight off a fire-breathing dragon with a pair of tweezers. ByLauren Del Turco

If you feel like you’ve been on the verge of losing your shit for, I don’t know, the last month or so, welcome to the club. Our impossibly short fuse can’t handle one more panic-inducing headline or racist comment from Grandpa Joe. According to the youth (and social media), we’re all seconds away from “crashing out.” 

For the uninitiated, crashing out—at least this version of the phrase—means losing your shit in a big, impulsive, or reckless way. It’s flipping a table when someone tells you to pay attention (IYKYK). It’s sporadically quitting your job without a backup plan because you just can’t anymore. It’s throwing a drink in someone’s face after they insult you. 

The trend is likely a reflection of how some people (or all people?) are grappling with feelings of overwhelm, burnout, and exhaustion right now, says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “The fact that it is a viral trend speaks volumes about the collective state of mental wellbeing,” says Estrin. Yikes.

If the state of the world, your on-again-off-again relationship, holiday family drama, or end-of-year expectations have pushed you over the edge, you might relate to that crashing-out feeling. Here’s more about what that means and, most importantly, how to deal.

What does crashing out really mean? 

The experience isn’t a new one. “Essentially, crashing out is when you get so overwhelmed that you stop thinking about consequences and just react,” explains Alo Johnston, LMFT. Before TikTok made this thing a thing, you’d probably refer to that feeling as “losing it” or “snapping.” It’s the same deal, just a new name.

Simply put, when you’re so overwhelmed or triggered that you do something impulsive or irrational, you’re crashing out, says Estrin. However a crash plays out, it generally starts like this: An event, situation, thought, or something else brings up intense emotions. You feel completely out of control, then you lash out or act out in response. 

Basically half the internet claims to be crashing out right now, and they’re probably not wrong. That’s because crashing-out behavior can take a lot of forms. Sometimes it’s self-destructive but relatively tame, like staying up all night to watch a show. But it could also be more serious, like quitting your job on the fly or throwing a punch. All of these count!

JSYK, the term is also used in the bipolar community to describe the transition from a high-energy manic episode to a depressive period, says Estrin. That said, most people in your feed likely aren’t using it that way, Estrin adds.

Why do we crash out?

Crashing out is more than just getting mad or upset, it’s a full-on system overload in which, “a single event or trigger, or the build-up of multiple events or triggers, overwhelms your capacity to cope, self-soothe, and process your emotions,” explains Johnston.

But what causes a crash-out depends on the person experiencing it. “Often, unresolved inner wounds—like trauma—or unmet emotional needs are exposed by specific situations,” explains Estrin. “Beneath the surface, it’s a mix of external triggers and inner vulnerabilities coming to a head.”

The thing that sets you off might be a mystery until it happens, but when it does, it can shed some light on the parts of you that need some TLC, says Estrin. If you find that certain situations provoke a big reaction, you can use that info to investigate what might be behind this emotional response, she says. It’s possible you might find something like a fear of abandonment, rejection, or inferiority that needs to be processed a bit more, Estrin explains.

If you can’t Nancy Drew your way to a clear pattern, crashing out in itself is a solid sign that you’re feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, Johnston notes. When you’re hanging on by a thread and a double espresso, “anything that causes an emotional reaction could be the thing that pushes you over the edge,” he says. In other words, it’s a warning worth taking seriously.

What to do if you’re currently (or on the verge of) crashing out

Based on the number of people sharing their breakdowns on the interwebs, you’re in good company. Here’s what to do the next time you’re seeing red.

1. Get out of your brain and into your body.

Ration and logic won’t do much for you if you’re slipping into a crash-out, says Johnston. The volume of your emotions is turned up too high to think your way out of the panic, rage, hopelessness, or whatever feeling has you on edge.

Your best bet here is to ground into your body, the experts agree. That could look like a few minutes of deep breathing (inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six) or focusing on something you can see, hear, touch, or smell until you feel more present. Holding an ice cube or taking a cold shower is effective too, Johnston says. Whatever route you take, getting back into the present moment “offers an intense enough sensory experience (without being dangerous) to disrupt the crash-out and allow you to eventually get back to other kinds of problem-solving,” he explains.

2. Punch a pillow (yeah, really).

If you’re shifting into Hulk mode, take it out on a pillow. “This can help you let go of pent-up physical energy and process your emotions in a way that will not harm you or someone else,” Estrin says. Feel a little weird about doing that? Don’t! Although many of us were taught that anger and frustration are bad, there is no shame in them. Fully feeling and expressing those aggressive emotions is totally fine with the right outlet, she explains.

3. Take a walk.

Throwing on your sneakers and busting out the door can keep you from completely spiraling, Estrin says. For example, an analysis of previous research found that consistently exercising for at least four weeks reduced peoples’ blood pressure response to stressful situations. Plus, going for a walk when you’re fully on the brim of freaking out gives you a chance to take a beat before doing something you’ll regret, adds Estrin. 

4. Talk it out or write down what you’re feeling.

Naming your emotions can be a powerful first step in releasing their white-knuckle grip on you, says Estrin. When you’re feeling unhinged, jot it down in a journal, vent to a friend, or just mentally note that you’re spiraling. 

If you’re not even sure what you’re feeling, take a peek at a feelings wheel, adds Estrin. This is a visual tool that looks like a giant circle divided up into slices (check out this one from Gloria Willcox, PhD). Therapists sometimes use these to help their clients ID what’s going on for them. At the center, you’ll find the overarching categories of emotions, the ones you’re probably most familiar with. As you move outward, the feels get more specific. So, start at the center and work your way out until you’ve found the ones that are most relevant to you. 

5. Get cozy.

Crashing out might leave you feeling pretty powerless, but helping your body feel safe by soothing your system can help with that, says Johnston. What feels most chill will vary from person to person, so ask yourself what your body needs. It could be a long hug or cuddle from someone you love or crawling under a pile of blankets to watch Love Actually for the thousandth time. Warming up something comforting like soup or cocoa works too! 

6. Set some boundaries.

OK, save this one for the post-crash-out period. Once you’ve emerged from your cave, audit the factors that contributed to you losing it. Then, use those observations to create some boundaries that will keep you from getting pulled under again, Johnston suggests. That might look like setting strict limits on how much news you read, letting your brother know you absolutely will not discuss politics with him, or scheduling time to make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving enough. 

7. Call in reinforcements.

If crashing out is just another Tuesday for you, consider it a not-so-subtle nudge to check in with a mental health professional, the experts say. “Doing so can help you uncover underlying issues such as trauma, stress, or unmet needs,” Estrin explains. From there, you can work together to build out your menu of go-to coping skills and see yourself out of the crash-out trend.

The post Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 06.06.24

Why Is Mental Health Care Still So Damn Expensive?

If you feel like your health insurance hates you, that tracks. Here’s how the government is trying to fix that—and how to deal right now. ByMolly Longman

A thing you’ve probably heard: Using health insurance to pay for therapy is hard. You also might’ve gotten wind that bigger mental health expenses, like in-patient treatment and substance misuse programs, are equally challenging to get covered—even when those services literally save lives. 

In case you haven’t noticed, those barriers mean it’s often way more expensive, time-consuming, and frustrating to treat a mental health issue than it is to treat a physical health concern—regardless of how good (or crappy) your insurance is.

Still, the U.S. government has been trying to get insurance companies to cover mental health like physical health, or what insurance people call “parity,” for decades. I know! In 2008, Congress passed the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act (MHPAEA)—a law that’s been updated a bunch of times since—to make it harder for insurance companies to cheap out on mental health benefits. 

And yet, between 2022 and 2023, 3 in 4 insured adults who sought mental health treatment hit a major coverage roadblock, like having their mental health care claims denied, needing pre-authorization for coverage, or not being able to find a provider who took their insurance, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF) survey. 

But then, late last year, the Biden administration announced plans to make bigger changes to the MHPAEA, cracking down on insurance companies that use loopholes to skimp on mental health benefits. You might’ve seen the headlines last fall, but here’s the recap: Lawmakers are asking insurers to collect data that proves they’re following the parity rules and making mental benefits easier to access. 

Sounds great in theory! But…how’s that going? Here, we’ll get into the plan to fix the existing law, why that’s (obviously) proving to be harder than it should be, and how to hack the coverage you have now. 

Why mental health coverage is still expensive, confusing, and terrible

Since the MHPAEA was passed and amended over the years, insurance plans with drastically different copays and deductibles for mental health care versus physical health care had to make changes or face lawsuits from people who were denied coverage as well as tax penalties from the treasury department (up to $100 per day per patient) and the department of labor.

While that made a difference, it wasn’t enough to force all health insurance companies to treat mental health deductibles, copays, and whatnot the same as physical ones. That’s why, 15 years later, seeing a therapist still isn’t as simple or affordable as, say, seeing a dermatologist for a $50 copay.

It’s also why the new rules are trying to address the harder-to-quantify, less-obvious issues that make health insurance so bad at taking care of mental health, says David Lloyd, chief policy officer at Inseparable, a nonprofit mental health advocacy organization that aims to make mental health care more accessible. .

Here’s what those proposed new rules would mean: 

• Insurance companies need to collect more data on “nonquantitative treatment limitations” (NQTLs), like how many members need prior authorizations to access care, how many go out of network for care, and how many in-network providers currently take new patients.
• Insurance companies have to use a specific “mathematical test” to calculate whether they’ve achieved ~parity~ or not. 
• Government agencies overseeing insurance laws can request this data at any point—and so can people enrolled in that insurance plan. 
• You can request the plan’s data and complain to regulators if you find something wrong, Lloyd adds.

“These new rules [are meant to] address the fundamental issue: Plans are putting barriers in place that result in less mental health and addiction care,” says Lloyd. And yet, because this shit is complicated, these new guidelines still leave a lot to be desired by mental health pros and insurance companies alike. Here are some of the biggest pain points.

There are still plenty of loopholes.

The new proposal is essentially telling insurance companies: OK, show us—with real-world numbers and data we’re now mandating you collect—what mental health services you’ve ~actually~ been covering and how accessible that coverage is to your average person. 

But, even if they get busted, there’s still wiggle room, according to the Mental Health Liaison Group (MHLG), made up of organizations like the American Psychiatric Association, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and National Alliance on Mental Illness. 

The first one: Insurance companies can use confidential “independent professional medical or clinical standards” or their own clinical guidelines to deny coverage. Meaning, even if they’re breaking Biden’s new rules, they can claim their top-secret, proprietary standards justify it—and that would be reason enough. 

That lil loophole could undermine the new rules and maybe weaken the existing law, the liaison group wrote in their comments on Biden’s new requirements. 

Another exception: Insurance companies can say that they’re denying claims, limiting coverage, or breaking any of the parity rules to fight “fraud, waste, and abuse.” According to MHLG, this language is so broad that insurance companies can take advantage of it—and they already are. “We know that many health plans have sought to exploit claims of ‘fraud, waste, and abuse’ to deny or otherwise limit access to medically necessary care,” they write. 

Finally, those fines of $100 per day per policyholder (aka you and the people on your plan who are denied mental health coverage) seem intense, but there’s still a ton of bureaucratic red tape keeping the Department of Labor from issuing fines when insurance companies break the rules. And, even when they are fined, insurers seem to see these fines as “the cost of doing business,” says Lauren Finke, MPP, senior director of policy for  The Kennedy Forum, an organization advocating for better mental health care standards. It’s like a teacher telling you to do homework that only counts for only 1% of your grade—it’s not worth your time, Finke says.

Insurance companies get to self-police.

Turns out, the existing mental health parity laws already mandate that insurance companies audit themselves and send in their compliance receipts “upon request.” In the new proposed rules, the lawmakers acknowledge that a lot of companies often don’t track parity data or analyze it the way they’re supposed to until the government asks for it. Plus, when they do hand it over, a lot of the time the data doesn’t track all the things regulators asked for. Basically, they’re half-assing parity oversight. 

It’s not clear how the new rules will fix that. Insurers still don’t have to turn over data until the regulators ask for it. And, if they’re failing, they have 45 days to explain why they’re making it harder to get mental health care coverage than physical. After that, the proposed rules say that the insurance company “may not” force insured folks to follow their policies that break the new rules, according to the 2023 proposal. The insurance company also has to fix those restrictions. 

Some things we still don’t know: How often will the government ask insurance companies for this info? Is it at random? If so, what happens if companies aren’t compliant and no one knows except the company? And what happens to your denied mental health care claims in the meantime? It’s easy to see why mental health orgs are skeptical about the enforcement of all this. 

The proposed rules also want everyone to have access to the data proving their provider is meeting parity standards—and that’s a good thing, says Kaye Pestaina, vice president at KFF and co-director of their program for patient and consumer protection. Of course, most of us don’t know what we should be looking for in the first place, Pestaina adds. 

What would really help consumers, Pestaina explains, is more publicly available, easy-to-read information about exactly how much different insurance plans will cover for mental health care and which plans actually have available therapists in your area. Also, um, those plans would need to exist, be affordable, and hopefully be subsidized by your employer…

Insurance companies and therapists blame each other for the lack of coverage. 

One of the most helpful parts of these new proposed rules is a bit that requires insurance companies to take “appropriate action” to create a balance of in-network physical health providers and mental health providers. Meaning, in theory, you’d have an equally easy time finding a therapist who takes your insurance as you would finding a dermatologist. 

That said, these new rules also include an out for insurance companies that don’t meet the in-network provider parity standard. Companies can claim that, despite their best efforts, there aren’t enough mental health pros in their area or there aren’t enough willing to join their plan. In other words, “Not our fault! We tried! Sorry!” When that’s the case, there are no consequences in this rule for insurance companies lacking available mental health pros, according to the proposed rules.

To be fair, the insurance companies have to prove they’re attempting to make their mental health care provider network as accessible as their physical health provider network once a year, says Lloyd. Of course, it’s not super clear what happens if companies’ non-compliance goes undetected.

You might be wondering why it would be hard to convince mental health pros to join an insurance network. We’re so glad you asked! The short answer: Getting reimbursed by insurance companies is a huge headache for mental health providers, which is why so many therapists don’t take insurance. 

JaNaè Taylor, PhD, psychotherapist and founder of Minding My Black Business, says, in her experience, insurance plans don’t always follow through on paying providers their portion of the service. “[They] are inconsistent and lowball us with their reimbursement rates,” she notes. A lot of the time that’s because insurance companies don’t recognize mental health care as a preventive, medically necessary measure, Dr. Taylor adds.

When insurance plans don’t pay their part, providers end up in the hole and you may get an unexpected bill, explains Pestaina from KFF. Since someone needs to take that financial hit, this makes for unhappy clients and therapists, she adds. It also means fewer therapists want to deal with insurance at all, Dr. Taylor says.

Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, psychiatrist, therapist, and founder of Equal Mental Health, adds that there is indeed a provider shortage. Reimbursement issues and the administrative work needed to accept insurance means therapists often make more money by not taking insurance, explains Lloyd from Inseparable. Because the U.S. mental health care industry is famously low on providers, per KFF, that exacerbates the issue of uncovered mental health care, Lloyd adds.

But, hey, we’ll take what we can get when it comes to mental health parity.

Despite the significant loopholes, the hope is that these rules keep insurance companies honest about their mental health parity status and force them to fix existing problems. Eventually, that could mean fewer prior authorizations, more mental health providers who take your insurance, fewer surprise denials of coverage after you’ve already received a service, and (hopefully) less expensive mental health care in general, Lloyd says. 

It could take a while to see those effects though. The rules still aren’t finalized, and may not be till later this year. When they are, Pestaina says the rules aren’t enforceable until 2025. But who knows! Maybe plans will start auditing sooner to get ahead. It could happen!

How to navigate the situation we’ve got.

We’re here to say: Don’t give up! We asked experts for the best ways to manage the current system, so you can use your insurance to cover more of your mental health care costs right now.

Get a health savings account.

Some employee benefit programs include health savings accounts (HSA), which is a pre-tax account where you can save money to use on medical-related purchases like sunscreen, doctor’s appointments, and therapy, says Jessica B. Stern, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor at New York University Langone Health. Though the savings aren’t huge, having tax-free dollars to put toward mental health expenses is better than nothing. Obviously, the more money you make, the more you’ll save in taxes, but if you use the account it can’t hurt. Just make sure you spend it within the year, otherwise you’ll lose it to the government. 

Don’t wait to find care.

If you need a new provider, the first step is finding someone who takes your insurance and is actually taking new clients. In theory, you should be able to go through your insurance’s database, click on anyone who looks interesting, and try to book an appointment. In reality, those sites might be very out of date, meaning you might need to try other online therapist directories and do a lot of calling and cross-referencing between Google and your insurance company.  This process can be long, drawn out, and frustrating as hell. And if you’re really struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, or any mental health symptom that makes this process feel like torture, you likely won’t have the energy to get it done. So, if you can, start searching before you really need an assist.

Cross check your insurance database. 

You probably should start by, yes, checking out your insurance company’s database of providers. But it can also help to look at other online provider portals like ZocDoc or Psychology Today for more info on their specialities, availability, and insurance coverage. Scrolling through multiple sites to confirm the facts about one therapist is annoying, but in the long run it could be faster than calling to make an appointment and being told they’re booked up or not taking insurance or both. 

Get the codes.

Once you find an in-network mental health pro you like, take the extra step of asking them how they might bill your insurance, says Dr. Stern. You’re asking specifically for the “billing code,” says Dr. Stern, which will help you verify how your insurance company is going to treat that visit. For instance, your insurance might cover in-person therapy visits one way and teletherapy visits another—annoying! Or they might only cover 10 sessions of either. Knowing this ahead of time can potentially help you avoid a big bill down the line. 

Dr. Stern says you could try something like, “I’m interested in working with you for [therapy/medication management/assessment], but I just want to confirm my coverage of this service with my insurance company. Would you mind sharing the potential or likely billing codes you might use for our work together?”

Then, run those codes by your insurance company via their customer service line, Dr. Stern adds. If they’re all clear, great! If not, you can ask what the limitations are, what they do cover, and then ask them to send you an email with all this info in it so you can refer back. (Heads up: These details can change, so don’t assume this coverage will be solid indefinitely.)

Look into your out-of-network benefits.

Sometimes, you’ve gotta go outside your insurance plan. Whether it’s because you’ve gone over your insurance’s treatment allowance or found a provider who won’t budge on the insurance bit, you should know what it will cost you to get that care. 

First thing to figure out: if you have an out-of-network deductible and how much it is. If you have one of these (FYI: they’re usually higher than your in-network deductible), that means that your insurance will pick up some of the bill for out-of-network costs once you hit that predetermined number. Once you know that, calculate how much your mental health care is going to cost so you can do a little loud budgeting.

For some, that could look like this: Your out-of-network deductible is $5,000. Once you’ve paid that much on your own, your insurance kicks in and reimburses you for 70% of every out-of-network bill after that. Let’s say your therapist doesn’t take your insurance and charges $150 a session. That would mean you’d need to hit that $5,000 out-of-network deductible before you start paying $45 for those sessions instead. It’s not always that simple, so make sure you’ve got all the details on how to get reimbursed by your insurance company.

The post Why Is Mental Health Care Still So Damn Expensive? appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 08.23.23

Skyh Black’s Mental Health Routine Might Make You Blush

The actor opens up about dealing with his feelings and going to couples therapy. ByShannon Barbour

We proudly stand with the WGA and SAG-AFTRA. As such, this interview does not focus on the promotion of any particular project.

For Skyh Black (aka Skyh Alvester Black), the past three years have been a time for leveling-up in every way possible. From valet parking cars just before the pandemic and experiencing financial insecurity to landing a breakout role on a hit series and getting engaged to fellow actor KJ Smith, it’s safe to say there’s a lot going on in Black’s life. 

“No one ever really talks about that transition phase where you’re like, OK, wow. My life is changing, and it’s all great. However, it’s moving really, really fast. You don’t want it to stop, but it’s moving fast,” he tells Wondermind. It’s also been a time to get intentional about his mental health and continue to let go of unhelpful stigmas around getting vulnerable. 

Here, the actor and producer sits down for a mental health check-in and talks about his self-care routine, the importance of believing in yourself, and why couples therapy is actually fun. 

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WM: How are you doing lately? 

Skyh Black: Usually I would say I’m doing great. I honestly am doing great. However, I’m gonna start being more honest, and especially since we’re talking about mental health, which is one of my favorite subjects. I’m mitigating my transition in life as effectively as I can because it’s happening so fast, but I’m doing well. 

WM: What helps you manage those feelings and make sure you’re processing all these changes? 

SB: It’s been a learning process of what I need. Before I was just on the hustle, go, go, go. I still am on the same hustle, but it looks different. I check in with myself pretty much every morning. I have a thing now where I don’t like any disturbance of anything from the time that I wake up to the time that I start whatever I’m gonna do that day. The first hour has to be peace, whatever that peace involves. I talk to God before my feet touch the floor, before I pick up my phone—that’s just me. And honestly, I go out in my backyard in the buff [laughs] and literally just lay in the sun. I do it every morning. And when used effectively, I think medical marijuana is great for mental health and for managing anxiety or anything like that. I’m a huge fan. And recreationally—I’m not gonna sit up here and lie [laughs]. 

WM: What mindset shift helped you change how you look at life? 

SB: When I let go as far as me being a person and auditioning and caring about what the people on the other side wanted. It freed me to just experience life so I can portray life better. I felt like I was getting stifled by, Damn, I don’t know what they want. Did I do what they wanted? Did I get it right for casting? And it’s like, guess what? This is my interpretation. I did the work in investing and trying to investigate as much as I could possibly investigate at this time about this character and this circumstance. And if I’m confident that I did the work and I did it to the best of my ability at this moment, that’s enough.  

What’s for me is for me. No one can take it away and vice versa. I can’t have something that was meant for someone else. That freed my mind so much.

WM: You’re a supporter of going to therapy. What has your experience been like, and how did you find a therapist? 

SB: I asked around, and I listened to people’s conversations a lot. I actually asked a castmate on one of the movies that I did earlier this year. I had an experience, and I said, “Hey, who do you talk to? Because I like the person you are now and the energy you have. How did you get that?” He recommended a therapist to me and I started going and I think it’s essential. 

We take on so much—excuse my language—shit every single day. And how do you unpack that? Think of yourself as a house, right? If you keep putting things in the house and never clean it out, you’re a hoarder and there’s no space to move around effectively. For me, especially as a man and especially as a Black man, it’s never discussed. It’s never talked about. It’s almost taboo, and I don’t know why because we need an outlet. Everybody needs somebody to talk to.

WM: What’s one of your best lessons that you’ve learned in therapy?

SB: To identify the problem right there. What is going on with me right now? Right in this moment and right in this second, can I fix it right now? Am I in a place to be able to fix it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. However, I have to take a moment to just assess what it is so I can deal with it with the effective tools. And also, call yourself on your bullshit. A lot of stuff that happens to us, a lot of times we are the cause. Not all the time, but sometimes there’s something in us that we can work on. 

My fiancée and I, before we get married, we are actively in couples therapy every week to talk about everything that is happening with us in our lives and how it affects us as a unit. We’re very strong on getting to the root of the problem so you can fix it. 

It’s fun, actually. I mean, it’s fun ’cause you learn more about your partner. Are you gonna be laughing and joking the whole time? No, not at all. ‘Cause we’re two individuals, and I’m sure we get on each other’s nerves even though we love the hell out of each other. You need to get that out and talk about it so your space can be clean. We get closer than ever [through therapy]. 

WM: As a Black man who has felt like you have to be extra conscious about how you project your feelings, how do you navigate that while still communicating your emotions or needs?

SB: For me, it’s still a daily process. … I feel that right now in this space in my life as a Black man and being a Black entertainer in the public eye, I feel like there are a lot of “can’ts” that go on with Black men. Black men cannot show anger or emotion in public whatsoever for fear of getting killed. We take on a lot. Every day we take on microaggressions just like everyone else. We take on racism constantly. … We also cannot cry. 

But we are sometimes the root cause of why we can’t. I’m going to make a blanket statement, but more often than not in the Black community, you’re soft if you share vulnerability or emotion. That wasn’t celebrated in our community. So we, in turn, now do it to ourselves. 

So as Black men, how do you release? We hurt, we get sad, and then we don’t know how to express it because we’ve never been taught. We’ve never had the skills. When your daughter falls, you go, “Oh, come here, baby. Are you OK?” When your son falls, you say, “Get up. Don’t be a punk.” You are systematically muting my emotion every single time you do that. As I got older and became an actor and explored my own emotions, it was hard. Effective communication without rage or anger was hard. Just hearing was hard, and loving was hard. 

And how do you now mitigate life when life is telling you what you are, your skin color, how you feel, and everything is wrong and bad? I think starting the conversation is the first step. … You can’t have a solution if the problem is never discovered.

WM: You’ve also been honest about previously struggling to want to be alive. Do you mind sharing what helped you continue on?

SB: Faith. And honestly my grandmother. My grandfather had just passed, and I didn’t want to hurt her. That’s the honest to God truth because I felt that at that point, I was like, Well, God, if my dreams are this big and it’s not happening, just let me know. There’s nothing else I really want to do. But I can’t take much more by myself, and I’m ready to leave. … One night I was literally just on the way to work to the valet job, and I was like, I’m so tired.

I called one of my best friends, and I said, “I’m sorry, bro. I can’t do it anymore.” And he told me, “Remember your grandmother and remember the promise you made to her that you would take care of her.” That is the only thing that kept me going at that vulnerable moment. Then, the faith just kicked in. You have to believe in yourself. You have to believe in yourself more than anybody believes in you. … And having a healthy circle is imperative.

WM: What mental health advice do you want to leave readers with?

SB: Choose to better yourself. Make a choice every day to really be better. … Take time to assess yourself and say, “Hey, what am I contributing to my life in a negative way? And how can I change that?” Because if you change you, everything else around you starts to change. I know that for certain.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or The Trevor Project by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting “START” to 678-678.

The post Skyh Black’s Mental Health Routine Might Make You Blush appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.01.23

7 Actually Realistic Ways to Deal With Burnout

No hustle culture allowed. ByMara Santilli

Exhausted by Wednesday even though you slept for 10 hours and snoozed your alarm twice? Tapped that “do not disturb” button on your phone and skipped plans with friends on the weekend to bed rot until further notice? Can’t actually do any of that because you’re too busy doing the things that are making you feel this way in the first place? This cycle can make you feel hopeless, exhausted, and curious if literally anyone knows how to recover from burnout.

The answer is yes (yay!). But first, here are the basics of what’s going on. Unsurprisingly, burnout is caused by a very obscure, very unique condition called…stress (ever heard of her?). “Burnout is the result of unmanaged chronic stress. It happens over time (not just overnight) and is typically caused by being hyper-focused on meeting the needs of others or pushing yourself to the max,” says psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD. And even though the World Health Organization’s definition of burnout is specifically related to work, the concept also applies to other life obligations, like with caregiver burnout. 

It feels like wanting to hibernate in bed and avoid your to-do list, that’s for sure, but the anxiety and mental exhaustion associated with burnout and not doing enough work also can manifest in physical symptoms. It’s not uncommon for people dealing with this issue to have a hard time sleeping, a weaker immune system, and even stomach issues, explains therapist Angela Wu, LMFT, who specializes in Asian mental health issues, anxiety, burnout, and depression. 

Some types of people are more prone to burnout. For example, if you’re chronically people-pleasing or hard on yourself, it might be difficult for you to honor your need for a break or set clear boundaries around saying no when you’re at capacity, explains Wu. If you have a case of imposter syndrome or feel really competitive at work, you might be susceptible. Anyone who feels like their worth is based on how much they get done at work or in life might be more likely to feel crispy over time. 

Burnout in the workplace might affect people with marginalized identities most, including people who identify as Black, Indigenous, People of Color, and women. That’s because things like discrimination, microaggressions, bias, sexism, stereotyping, isolation, or lack of representation can all likely contribute to burnout, explains licensed psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD, assistant clinical professor in the department of psychiatry at University of California, San Diego and Wondermind Advisory Committee Member. So can feeling extra pressure to defy cultural expectations and stereotypes in order to feel valued, she adds. And just being in that unfair position might make it even more of a challenge to tell your boss that you’re burned out. 

So, yeah, there’s a lot more to burnout than just ~being busy~ and putting out the flames isn’t as easy as just slowing down or doing yoga. There might be a lot of systemic bullshit that’s contributing to your burnout that’s fully out of your control, which is why the usual advice for fighting burnout can often feel impossible or low-key delusional. (Sorry, we can’t all just quit our jobs or take a week off to fill our cups!) So, we asked the experts to give us actually realistic strategies to help deal with burnout…without burning your whole life down. 

1. Acknowledge that you’re on fire.

A tip for future you: You can’t address burnout if you don’t acknowledge that it’s happening. So when you start to notice things like insomnia, extra negative self-talk, avoiding social things, or just less enthusiasm for life, take a beat to check in with yourself. 

If you’re already fully aware of your burned-out state, getting more familiar with what that feels like for you can help prevent burnout from getting worse before you start taking action. So start journaling about what’s going on in your life and how you’re feeling physically and emotionally, says Wu. Do you have a lot of guilt about turning down the extra project you were asked about or can’t seem to set a boundary to stop checking your email after 6 p.m.? Jot that down.

2. Do something pointless. 

When you’re totally focused on what you need to do and not what you want to do, you’re on a path to Burnout Mountain. Sure, this is a little oversimplified, and some of us literally cannot do less because of life or money obligations. That said, finding a balance between need-to-do and want-to-do activities can help you avoid feeling fried.

If you’ve already arrived at this destination, that’s OK. You can climb out of that rut by trying to work in more stuff that energizes, motivates, and calms you. You know, the things you do just because they’re fun, explains Dr. Rubenstein. 

Even if your schedule is at max capacity, you can start with a small fueling activity in your downtime, Dr. Rubenstein suggests. If you’re craving a catch up, call a friend on your commute home. If you’re looking for a little solitude or a distraction, make that commute designated podcast or audiobook time. Or, if movement helps you feel better, try to squeeze in a little morning mental health walk (without checking email or Slack) before your day gets going. The goal is to balance draining tasks you’d describe as “should do’s” or “have tos”’ with the “get to dos.”

3. Take timed breaks. 

When you’re in the thick of it, penciling actual breaks into your schedule can help ensure that you’re getting enough mental rest to start feeling better, says Wu. Even if you feel guilty about taking a breather or have no idea how to relax, this IS a must-do if you want to recover from burnout. But because burnout can make you super distractible, be sure to set a timer to keep it short and sweet. The goal is to have more conscious, restorative breaks throughout your day, rather than one unhinged TikTok binge that leaves you feeling more stressed.

Sure, a break could mean just lying down for 20 minutes once a day. But they can also look like meditating (for those who partake) or watching a funny TikTok, says Dr. Polyné. Anything that shifts your focus onto something that doesn’t feel like work is fair game. 

4. Check-in on yourself.  

When we get burned out, it’s usually not until we’re feeling completely exhausted or even ill that we think, Hm, is something wrong here? That’s partially because “when dealing with burnout it’s easy to disconnect from yourself and your needs,” says Dr. Rubenstein. And when you ignore the physical signs of stress—like muscle tension, fatigue, and headaches—you’re missing key warning signs that you need to slow down and give your bod (and your mind) some attention. “By tuning into your body and noticing things like tension in your neck you can address small signs of stress before they become bigger,” adds Dr. Rubenstein.

So now that you’re fully in it, try to work more mind-body practices into your routine whenever you can. That could mean getting up from your computer to stretch your arms, neck, and roll your shoulders a few times or following a progressive muscle relaxation on YouTube or Spotify before bed. You could even just check in with yourself once an hour to see if you’re thirsty or hungry. All of those little things can help you start feeling better.

5. Say no to something—anything!

When you’re nearing burnout or already there, you might feel like you can’t take on one more thing, but you end up doing it anyway. Sometimes that means hustle culture-ing yourself into getting one last project in before you sign off for the week or forcing yourself to meet up with friends even though you’re beat. 

Though it can feel like doing the thing is easier than giving an excuse to skip out, the long-term repercussions can make burnout worse. So even if you have FOMO or feel weird asking your boss for an extension, remind yourself that there will be more opps for you to show up—and you’ll be able to do that as your best self then. It’s not up to you to do everything, says Wu. The more you practice turning down things, the easier it will be when you feel like your mental state is overwhelmed. It’ll help you recover from burnout now and hopefully avoid it in the future.

6. Make self-compassion your go-to.

Let’s assume you did something kinda tough like turning down that work assignment or birthday brunch. While you are crushing the self-care game with that one small move, it might not feel like it. In those cases, when you do something hard that’s good for Future You, it can be helpful to give yourself a positive affirmation, Dr. Rubenstein. “Extend kindness to yourself in tough moments like you would with a friend,” she adds.

For example, you might say, “This is really hard, so I am going to be gentler to myself today,” suggests Dr. Rubenstein. Or, “Putting my needs first helps me take care of me.” You can rely on this little go-to whenever you need some inner support. 

7. Explore your relationship to work. 

It might be hard to muster the strength to analyze why you’re doing what you’re doing, but that little reflective moment can help you change the patterns that got you here. Think about why and how you prioritize work over your well-being, whether that’s the work you do in your career or taking care of your family or other emotional labor. Do you let those tasks or responsibilities define who you are? Do they feel like the most important things in your life? If so, why? Then, write out a list of values to get more clarity on the other things that matter to you, Dr. Polyné suggests. Those could be your health, fun, quality of life, and gratitude. See if there are things as worthy of your time and energy as your job or responsibilities.

The post 7 Actually Realistic Ways to Deal With Burnout appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.15.23

How to Save Money When You Feel Like the World Is Ending

Soothe your anxiety while stacking some cash. ByLauren Del Turco

If feeling anxious about the future is sorta your everyday aesthetic lately, I get it. Not to trigger you, but with climate change news, natural disasters, and seemingly endless geopolitical conflict (with a side of inflation and unidentified flying objects), it’s no wonder we’re all stressed the heck out. Anxiety about *~all of this~* messes with our lives in a bunch of ways—and our finances are no exception. After all, who gives a fuck about your 401(k)  when it feels like the world is ending? Thing is, thinking about how to save money can actually help ease your mind—especially now.

The next-level stress of the world right now basically shifts us into financial fight or flight, says licensed therapist Alex Melkumian, LMFT, founder of the Financial Psychology Center. Either we buckle down, work a million hours a week, and hoard as much cash as possible (“fight” mode) or say, “screw it” and blow a bunch of money to live like we’re dying (“flight” mode). 

It’s easy to feel completely powerless in the face of a thousand dumpster fires, but what this anxiety really calls for is a sense of control, Melkumian explains. And though we might not be able to commit our lives and livelihoods to trying to fix these problems, taking some action (no matter how small) to support our financial health and mental well-being can really help us feel all-around better about the future.

“When we feel like we have control over our lives, we are more confident and feel at ease,” says clinical psychologist and certified financial therapist, Traci Williams, PsyD.   “By deciding how to spend your money now and how to save for your future, you can regain a sense of control over your life—and with that comes peace of mind.”

In case you were worried, we’re not going to just tell you to become an expert on bitcoin…or even Excel. But these expert tips for taming your anxiety while getting your financial affairs in order can definitely help you feel more optimistic about Future You and your bank account.

1. Consider talking to a pro.

I mean, you saw this one coming. If your anxious feels about the future are hardcore enough to influence how you save and spend that paycheck, talking to a mental health professional is probably a good idea. Counseling can help you manage anxiety and get your quality of life back in the black—and it could ultimately benefit your bank account balance. 

Money beliefs and behaviors run deep, so a modality like cognitive behavioral therapy can help you rewire any limiting thought patterns and behaviors that stand between you and saving some of your hard-earned cash, Kaplan explains.  

2. Tune into the present moment.

Chilling out enough to have a financial strategy that doesn’t involve hiding from your credit card balance requires reeling your brain back into the here and now.

So having a toolbox of practices that help you feel calm when you’re feeling freaked out (about money or whatever sends you spiraling) can help, says licensed therapist Debra Kaplan, LPC, co-author of Coupleship, Inc: From Financial Conflict To Financial Intimacy. 

One of Kaplan’s go-to strategies is a breathing exercise that helps you focus more on what’s going on in your body than the stuff floating around in your head. Try it: Breathe in through your nose for at least three seconds, hold your breath for three seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth for four seconds. Keep that up for a minute and repeat it two to three times a day. The goal is to make it second nature whenever future or money stress (or future money stress) starts to swell.

Another grounding exercise that can snap you right out of any swirly-whirly thinking: “When you find yourself worrying or consumed with negative thinking, pause to notice what is going on around you,” suggests Dr. Williams. “Then name what you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel on your skin.” 

3. Do some good.

If you feel beaten the eff down about the state of the world (and your bank account shows it), do something teeny-tiny to contribute to the good. “Activism and volunteerism are tangible steps you can take to gain some control over your lived experience,” says Dr. Williams. “These actionable steps help you shift from the debilitating thoughts and emotions into more productive uses of your time and skills.”

Whether you volunteer with a local environmental activism group or go grocery shopping for the cute senior citizen next door, “any action, no matter how small, creates a sense of meaning and control that helps to manage anxiety,” says Melkumian. And, hey, freeing up some of the mental space previously dedicated to stressing about the end of the world could translate to making moves toward healthier finances.

4. Add up those small impulse buys.

As for actual financial stuff, a big part of saving money has to do with spending money—and, specifically, spending less of it. Kaplan recommends peeping your most recent credit card and bank statement and adding up all of the random drugstore purchases, takeout orders, and any impulse buys you didn’t think twice about. (Consider yourself warned: You could be very surprised.) Since these types of purchases often add up, creating more awareness around how much cash you spend on random shit can help you spend considerably less moving forward.

5. Budget for splurges.

Once you’ve got a better idea of your spending (and recovered from just how much you’re dedicating to lip balms and Uber Eats), creating a good ol’ budget is a no-brainer. 

You don’t have to go wild, though. Restrictive budgeting is just as toxic and unhelpful as restrictive dieting. “Don’t deprive yourself,” says Melkumian, who actually recommends that his clients have a line item in their personal budget dedicated specifically to buying fun things you don’t truly need. Obviously, how much moola you can allocate here will vary, but the idea is to set some money aside to spend however the heck you want—even if it’s completely frivolous (emotional support candle, anyone?). Otherwise, you’ll inevitably burn through your intense budgeting willpower and yo-yo in the opposite direction.

6. Stop using your phone to pay for stuff.

Another way to get your spending in check without thinking about it too much is using physical cards (or cash, if you actually carry it) to buy things, Kaplan recommends. “It is all too easy to tap your phone and not really connect that to the act of spending,” she says. This simple tweak also helps you become more mindful of where you’re dropping cash so that you don’t get that pit-in-your-stomach feeling once a month when you open your bank statement or look at your Venmo activity. 

7. Rename your savings account.

Shifting your doomsday outlook in order to actually save some dollars might be simpler than you think—even giving your savings account a fun name can help, says Melkumian (who named his “Sleep Well”).  

“If you are stressed about money, you won’t want to put money into an emergency fund because it just reminds you of having an emergency,” he says. “Tweaking what you label your account can put a smile on your face and make you more motivated to save.” Some options: Rich old lady fund; Older, wiser, richer; This one’s on me; I am a luxury. 

8. Switch your savings to autopilot.

If Netflix can bill you automatically each month and auto-refills for your cat’s meds exist, why not capture that autopilot magic for your savings account? 

Automating this shit is the easiest way to grow a nice chunk of change without having to think about it, says Melkumian. Start by automatically sending some cash to a single savings account (directly depositing 10 percent of each paycheck is a good place to start), he suggests. Once you hit your goal there—aim for at least a six-month emergency fund—you can set up automatic deposits for retirement accounts or investment portfolios, or increase the amounts you’re already putting away each month. Choose your own adventure! 

The post How to Save Money When You Feel Like the World Is Ending appeared first on Wondermind.

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The Definitive Guide to Navigating Awkward Money Convos

How about we don’t split the bill? ByColleen Stinchcombe

Who among us has been at a meal with a friend when you realized—gulp—the menu was way over your budget? Or maybe you’re hanging out with a bunch of people and an activity gets suggested (that everyone is clearly stoked about) that will single-handedly demolish your savings. Clueing people into what you can afford can feel so awkward that you want to enter the witness protection program. But we’re here to say that it’s time to end the taboo of talking about money. We consulted the professionals to get their advice for navigating awkward money conversations. 

Know your money situation—and have some go-to phrases. 

First things first, in order to have more productive and comfortable conversations about money, you’ll need to understand your finances. And yet, 57% of young Americans dread the thought of budgeting and 65% admit they avoid thinking about their finances altogether, according to a Fidelity study. But knowing what you can and can’t afford is the first step to beginning to feel better about your finances, says Lorna Kapusta, head of Women and Customer Engagement at Fidelity Investments. “You’re going to feel so much more confident about where you stand with your finances the moment you wrap your head around it,” Kapusta says. 

Having a basic understanding of your budget is so important, agrees Minaa B., LMSW, licensed therapist, social worker, writer, and founder of Minaa B. Consulting. It’s a lot easier to say “let’s go to the cheaper matinee performance” if you know the Friday night outing will eat into your vacation fund or your rent budget, for instance. 

If saying “no” or adjusting money expectations with people is still new for you, try having a few go-to responses in your back pocket, Minaa B. says. For example, “Heads up that I can only pay for my own meal right now so I don’t want to split the check.” Or “Thank you so much for including me, but I’m actually going to opt out [of the baby shower/Secret Santa/surprise party group fund].” 

That might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. But keep in mind, you might not be the only person feeling this way, says Kapusta. In this economy, people are paying more attention to their finances. In fact, a recent Fidelity survey found that more than half of women (53%) cut back on non-essential expenses and entertainment in the past year. So don’t feel bad about saying something is out of your budget for now, says Kapusta. “Others might be feeling similarly and are too nervous to speak up!” 

Trying to make other people happy is “why a lot of people go broke,” Minaa B. says. Finances can be a bit of a loaded topic for many, so here are some tips for having a productive dialogue with your family (or really anyone). 

Be specific to avoid any awkward misunderstandings. 

When trying to navigate money conversations, it’s easy to slip into vague language like “affordable,” “budget-friendly” or “cheap,” says Kapusta. But those words mean something different to everybody and can lead to misunderstandings for people who aren’t on the same page financially. Instead, get specific with what you can afford, like: You can spend $20 on lunch today, or $100 per night for your share of vacation lodging, or $50 on a gift, etc. 

Also be clear about how you’re going to handle shared finances—whether it’s with your partner, roommate, or friends. Will you split things equally or assign responsibility for different costs (like streaming services, groceries, etc.)? Leaving less room for ambiguity is always a good idea. 

Stay focused on shared goals. 

“Money conversations can become more difficult when we don’t understand where the other person is coming from or what they’re trying to achieve,” says Kapusta. So start there. For example, let’s say you’re trying to plan a vacation with friends. Talk about what part of the vacation is most important to them—is it lounging on the beach? Is it doing activities together? Is it partying all night? 

This can help determine where you’re aligned and where you’re not, so you can better communicate about what you can and can’t participate in. Or you might discover that everyone in the group is expecting a very different vacation, in which case, it’s better to realize in advance that maybe you’re not the right companions for that particular trip. 

Reframe your thinking around money conversations. 

For those of us who have spent our whole lives trying not to talk about money, it might take a while to unlearn some of the beliefs that kept us from being frank with family, friends, or partners. Be especially on the lookout for what Minaa B. calls “cognitive distortions,” or unhelpful and untrue thoughts like, They’ll never invite me again if I say I’m not going to dinner, or, My partner/parents/etc. will hate me if I bring this up. 

One way to push back against cognitive distortions is to reframe it into a positive or look for evidence to the contrary. This reframing can help you from spiraling into self-judgment or shame, which are feelings that often keep us quiet about our finances. 

Practice talking about money often. 

Want to know the fastest way to make something less awkward? Do it. A lot. The same goes for money conversations, says Kapusta. “Money has been such a taboo topic, but we’ve got to challenge ourselves and make money part of an ongoing conversation,” she says. 

The first time you start being open with friends or family about money, it might feel a little weird—especially if they’re usually hush-hush about it, too. But with time, the more you practice talking about money, the more comfortable you’ll be. 

Keep in mind that the people around you may be a little shock-horrored about openly talking about money. “People might react emotionally, especially if they aren’t understanding your perspective or comfortable with money conversations,” Kapusta says. That’s OK. For situations like combining finances with your partner or talking to your parents about their finances, it might be worth bringing in a third party like a financial advisor to help guide you. 

And remember there are communities, such as Fidelity’s Women Talk Money, you can join to learn from and talk with others who are committed to figuring out their finances—helping you become more confident in talking about and managing your own money. 

The post The Definitive Guide to Navigating Awkward Money Convos appeared first on Wondermind.