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Everything You Need to Know About the Mind-Body Connection

No, it's not all in your head. ByCarolyn Todd

It’s pretty common these days to hear people talk about the mind-body connection. Maybe you’ve heard about it on social media, in a yoga class or run club, or from your friend who swears their lower back pain gets worse whenever they’re super stressed. 

So what exactly are we actually talking about when we talk about the mind-body connection? How real is it? Can you truly blame your physical symptoms on your emotions or the job that’s stressing you out? And what does all of this mean for your health and well-being? We tapped a few mind-body experts to find out. 

What is the mind-body connection? 

“The ‘mind-body connection’ refers to the interplay of the mind and body,” says Chiara Gasteiger, PhD, postdoctoral scholar in psychology in the Mind & Body Lab at Stanford University. The two are deeply connected in lots of ways, Dr. Gasteiger explains, so what’s going on in one naturally influences what’s going on in the other. “Our mind—through our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions—influences our physiological responses, health, and well-being,” Dr. Gasteiger says. “And at the same time, the state of your body profoundly shapes your thoughts and mood.” 

Despite how woo-woo this might sound, it’s grounded in tons of research, says Elyse R. Park, PhD, MPH, professor of psychiatry and medicine at Harvard Medical School and director of research at the Massachusetts General Hospital Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine. We’ll get into that science in a bit, but you don’t have to pore through studies to know the connection is real. “You can see the mind-body connection in action all the time,” Dr. Gasteiger says. 

For example: “If you’re nervous before a presentation, you might suddenly get an upset stomach or sweaty hands,” Dr. Gasteiger says. (That’s mind influencing body.) Another one: When you’re sick in bed with a migraine or the flu, your mood may tank too. (That’s body influencing mind.) 

If you deal with depression, maybe you’ve noticed that it can impact not just your thoughts and emotions, but also your appetite or energy levels. Maybe you know that exercise (or even just a silly little mental health walk) does wonders for your mood. Something almost everyone can relate to is the connection between sleep and mental health, says Dr. Park. Your racing mind can keep your body from resting. And a crappy night of sleep can make you not only physically exhausted the next day, but also crabby and mentally sluggish. 

Where did the mind-body connection come from? 

The idea that your physical and mental states are linked seemed pretty out there just a few decades ago, says Dr. Park. But the mind-body connection isn’t actually new at all. For centuries, ancient healing practices and cultures (like Traditional Chinese Medicine, Ayurvedic medicine, and Ancient Greece) emphasized that the health of your body and your psyche were deeply intertwined, Dr. Gasteiger points out.

But around the 17th century, “Western medicine shifted toward viewing the mind and body as separate entities,” explains Dr. Gasteiger. It wasn’t until the 1960s and 1970s that doctors started becoming seriously interested in the mind-body connection—and finding scientific evidence to support it. During that time, a Harvard cardiologist began studying mind-body links like the effects of stress on blood pressure and the impact of meditation on your breathing and heart rate, Dr. Park explains. By 1975, a new field called psychoneuroimmunology (psychology + neurology + immunology) was illuminating how stress and emotions can affect the immune system, Dr. Gasteiger says. 

In the late 1970s, a new “biopsychosocial” model of health gave medical providers a way to conceptualize well-being as more than just your biology, but also your psychology and social environment, Dr. Gasteiger explains. Advances in fields like neuroscience also led to a deeper understanding of the mind-body connection. Today, the concept is widely accepted in Western medicine, Dr. Park says. Just ask anyone who’s had a medical professional tell them to “try yoga” after coming in with a host of physical symptoms. 

5 fascinating examples of the mind-body connection

So, how does the mind-body connection shape our health? What does the research say? There are too many examples out there to count but here are a few cool ones. 

The gut-brain axis

Ever notice how much we talk about the gut in relation to our emotions? You get a gut feeling about somebody, you’re gutted by a breakup, you go with your gut when making a tough call. Turns out, there’s actually science behind that. The gut-brain axis is the two-way communication stream between your brain and your digestive system, Dr. Gasteiger explains (largely through a big nerve called the vagus nerve). In fact, more information gets exchanged between the brain and gut than any other system, according to the Cleveland Clinic. 

In case you haven’t noticed, stress, anxiety, and depression can all affect your digestion, Dr. Gasteiger says. Meanwhile, imbalances in the gut microbiome (the community of healthy microorganisms living in your intestines) can influence your mood and mental health. Research also shows that people with IBS are at much higher risk for anxiety and depression—and that the conditions might even share some underlying causes. 

Skin and mood 

Anyone who’s ever dealt with bad acne—or just an ill-timed volcanic zit—knows your skin can affect your mood. But have you ever noticed you’re also more likely to break out (or have a skin condition flare up) after an especially chaotic week? 

The skin is so connected to the mind that there’s a whole field called psychodermatology (psychology + dermatology). Conditions like acne, rosacea, psoriasis, and atopic dermatitis are all linked to mental health conditions like anxiety and depression, according to research. And stress has been shown to make skin symptoms worse. The good news? Mental health interventions like therapy have been shown to help skin symptoms or flare-ups that may be exacerbated by stress. (Scientists think this has to do with the complex connections between your nervous system, hormones, immune system, and skin.)

The placebo effect 

One of the weirdest examples of the mind-body connection is the placebo effect. When you see a doctor and get medication, you generally expect to feel better, right? The placebo effect is the idea that this alone—simply believing a treatment will work—can actually make you feel better, Dr. Gasteiger explains. 

We’ve got tons of hard proof this is true. Researchers test out new drugs by giving one group of people the real medication and one group of people a sugar pill (without telling them which one they’re getting). By seeing how much the people on the real drug improve compared to the people taking the placebo, scientists can tease out the effects of the drug itself from the placebo effect.

Amazingly, researchers often find that a good number of the people who take nothing but a sugar pill get some relief. Placebos have resulted in improvements in conditions like high blood pressure, chronic pain, allergies, migraine, nausea, and chronic itchiness from skin conditions. One review looking at 186 clinical trials (including 16,655 people) found that, on average, the placebo response accounted for about half of the overall effect of a treatment. 

It’s not just your mind playing tricks on you either. Placebos have been shown to trigger real, measurable changes in your body, Dr. Gasteiger says—like the release of its own opioids (natural painkillers). So it’s possible that if you believe a new stretching or movement routine is going to help your mood, it really might. 

The role of mindset in healing 

The placebo effect is just one example of how your thoughts and beliefs can influence your health. Here’s another: Being optimistic about your recovery from an illness or injury can enhance the healing process, Dr. Gasteiger says. A review of 30 studies, totaling 28,741 people with musculoskeletal pain (like back pain, whiplash, or a leg injury), found that those who had low expectations about their recovery were over twice as likely to later be on disability leave from work than people who had high expectations for their recovery. 

Even your perception of time can influence the healing process. In one small study, the rate of wound healing was influenced by how much time a person believed had passed. Researchers had people receive cupping therapy (which causes bruise-like marks), and then left them alone in a room with a clock for 28 minutes. For a third of the people, the clock was rigged to run at half speed—so they thought only 14 minutes had passed. For another third, the clock was rigged to run twice as fast as real time, so they thought 56 minutes had passed. (The final third had normal-running clocks.) The results? The researchers actually saw improved wound healing in the groups that thought more time had passed. 

The stress and relaxation response 

Mental and emotional stressors can cause your body to release hormones that trigger a “fight-or-flight” response, explains the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH). Your heart rate, breathing rate, and blood pressure go up; your muscles get tense. That can be tough on your body and brain—especially when it becomes chronic, Dr. Park says. “When you’re always in the stress response… it’s hard to function, it’s hard to be healthy.” As a result, chronic stress plays a role in causing or worsening a bunch of conditions (including many of the ones we’ve mentioned). 

Thankfully, we also have the relaxation response (phew!), which helps to counter the stress response. “Everything comes down,” Dr. Park explains: your heart rate, your blood pressure, your stress hormones, and your risk of exacerbating physical symptoms. You can bring on this relaxation response through a variety of mind-body strategies, Dr. Park says. You can try things like breathing exercises, a body scan like progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, gentle movement, and guided imagery. By directing your breath, muscles, awareness, or imagination, you can shift the state of your mind and body. 

According to the NCCIH, research shows techniques that elicit the relaxation response can be helpful for a wide variety of health conditions. For example, breathing exercises and clinical hypnosis can reduce hot flashes. Progressive muscle relaxation and diaphragmatic breathing may help manage IBS symptoms. Guided imagery can benefit people with arthritis pain. And various relaxation techniques may decrease nausea and vomiting in people undergoing chemotherapy.

No, it’s not “all in your head.” 

So, hang on a minute… Does all this mean you’re basically making your health problems up? That if you just thought more positively or went for enough mental health walks, you wouldn’t be sick? That it’s “all in your head,” as people say? Not even close. 

“The phrase ‘it’s all in your head’ implies that some symptoms and health problems are imaginary, which can feel very dismissive,” Dr. Gasteiger says. Recognizing the importance of the mind-body connection doesn’t make your symptoms any less real or valid, Dr. Park says. On the contrary, understanding the role of the mind deepens our understanding of those symptoms and helps us appreciate the many dimensions of well-being. “It’s a great reminder of how complex the human body is, and the profound ways our psychological states can shape our physical health,” says Dr. Gasteiger. In reality, the mind-body connection should motivate and empower you to take better care of your mind, Dr. Park says—to watch those negative thought spirals, lean into optimism where you can, get the support and treatment you need, and engage in whatever self-care practices help you manage stress. And, similarly, it should remind you of all the ways your body (and the way you move it and treat it) can impact your mental health too.

The post Everything You Need to Know About the Mind-Body Connection appeared first on Wondermind.

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8 Things You’re Saying Without Even Realizing It

Plus, how to use nonverbal communication to enhance all your conversations. ByCarolyn Todd

When we talk about communication, we’re usually talking about, well, talking. But experts say there’s a ton that we communicate beyond just the words we’re saying. It’s kind of like there’s the verbal conversation, and then there’s a whole other conversation our bodies are having in the background (aka nonverbal communication). 

The problem is, sometimes we’re actually saying stuff nonverbally that we didn’t even mean to, which can lead to mixed signals and miscommunication. So learning how to be more aware and intentional about what vibes your nonverbal cues are giving off can help you become a better communicator—and feel confident that your body is saying what you want it to. Plus, it’ll make you better at reading other people. 

Here’s what the pros want you to know about what nonverbal communication is, why it’s super important to your connections, and some of the things you might be saying without even realizing it.

What is nonverbal communication? 

Nonverbal communication is essentially everything we’re saying to another person without, well, saying it. “It’s any behavior or other kind of cue that can communicate something to the other person,” says Valerie Manuslov, PhD, a professor of communication at the University of Washington who teaches and researches nonverbal communication. That includes eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures, physical touch, and body language. For instance, “how you move your body, how close you are to someone, how much you lean in or away, how you cross your legs, how wide you sit,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Nonverbal communication also includes things like what you’re wearing, how you interact with your environment, throat clearing, and silent pauses, Dr. Manuslov says. And while you might think of your tone of voice and how loud or fast you talk as verbal communication, these actually qualify as nonverbal too—since they’re sending a message outside the literal meaning of your words.

Nonverbal cues “play a large role in our interactions with other people,” Dr. Manuslov says. “We tend to notice nonverbal cues and respond to them, even if it’s not in our conscious mind.” When it comes to your own nonverbal behaviors, there’s likely many you’re completely unaware of, Dr. Manuslov says. For example, your body language can express how you really feel about somebody—even when your head isn’t totally sure how you feel about them (or you don’t want to admit that you don’t like them). 

While these cues can be rich with information, they can also be misleading or misinterpreted. We’re constantly making assumptions about what people’s nonverbals mean. The problem is, pretty much any behavior can mean multiple things (or nothing at all), Dr. Manuslov says. 

Say your boss crosses her arms during a check-in. You might think it means they’re unhappy with you, which is fair, says Dr. Manuslov. But she could also be crossing her arms because she’s chilly. Or feeling defensive. Or trying to cover up a stain on her shirt. Or having cramps. Or just more comfortable like that… You get the idea. 

So, becoming more aware of nonverbal cues can make you more mindful, intentional, and confident about what messages you’re sending people, says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. 

Being a sharp nonverbal communicator is crucial in situations where first impressions really matter (like a job interview). But it can also make you a better friend, partner, or family member. “It’s [about] knowing what behaviors will make other people that we care about feel good,” Dr. Manuslov says. If your bestie opens up and you want to show her you’re really here for her, you can use nonverbals to communicate that. 

What are some examples of nonverbal communication? 

Let’s talk about some common nonverbal cues, what they communicate, and when to use them (or what to do instead). 

1. Facing your whooole body towards who you’re talking to. 

Having your entire body—not just your face!—turned toward somebody is a simple, powerful way to show that you’re present, engaged, and interested, Dr. Manuslov says. It says “I am fully here and available.” (On the other hand, orienting your body away from someone says you’re not available for this conversation, or this conversation is over.) 

Try this when you want to convey that you’re giving someone your full attention. For example, say a colleague comes over to your desk to ask you a question. Instead of just turning your head (which could say you’re only partly available), pull back your chair enough to fully rotate your body their way. “The more you turn toward them, it marks it as, Oh, I was doing this, but now I’m engaging with you,’” Dr. Manuslov says. 

2. Scrolling or having your phone in grabbing distance. 

It’s become pretty normalized to have your phone glued to your palm. Still, looking at your phone subconsciously communicates that whatever’s on there is more important or interesting than what the person in front of you has to say, according to Roberts. It says “my attention is somewhere else.” Even having your phone on the table suggests some of your attention is with it or that you’re OK with being distracted by it, Dr. Manuslov says. This can even limit how deep a conversation goes. (You’re less likely to bring up something vulnerable or serious if your convo partner is one push notification away from responding to a DM.) 

If that’s not what you want to get across, try putting your phone away (in your pocket, your bag, your desk) and turning on do-not-disturb mode (when possible) to signify your full presence. “That can be a real sign that in this moment, I’m talking to you. I’m not gonna have any other distractions. You’re important enough to me, or this topic is important to me, that I’m not going to let anything else bother me,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

3. Looking at everyone and everything except the person you’re talking to. 

Wandering eyes can indicate disinterest, boredom, and distraction. “If you keep looking at other people or around the room, it suggests to someone that you’re not really paying attention—even if you are,” Dr. Manuslov says. Lack of eye contact could also suggest you’re uncomfortable with the topic, shy, annoyed, or intimidated, Roberts says. 

If that’s not what you’re trying to say, try making more eye contact to convey engagement and focus, Roberts says—especially when you’re listening. “The listener is looking toward the person for what they’re saying,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Glancing away occasionally is fine.) When you’re the one doing the talking, too much eye contact can actually be intimidating. It’s more natural to look away while you’re speaking and then return to making eye contact, Dr. Manuslov says. “That makes most people the most comfortable.” 

4. Nodding or shaking your head while listening (but not too much). 

Nodding your head is a great way to indicate that you’re tracking with what somebody is saying, without interrupting them. A nod can signify active listening, understanding, enthusiasm, support, or agreement. It says “I’m really into what you’re saying,” according to Dr. Manuslov. There can be too much of a good thing, though: Vigorous, continuous nodding could be misinterpreted as rushing the other person to hurry up and finish talking, Dr. Manuslov says. 

And while shaking your head means “no” or “I disagree” in some contexts, it can also be a positive cue. “If someone’s telling you a terrible story or something they’re really upset about and you shake your head, that can be a sign of empathy,” Dr. Manuslov says. For example, a well-timed headshake could say “Wow, what a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you,” or “Oh, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” 

Try nodding when you want someone to know you’re on board with what they’re saying, and shaking your head to express empathy when someone is sharing something difficult. 

5. Standing weirdly close to or weirdly far from someone. 

Cultural norms tell us what range of distance we should be to people, depending on our relationship. The more intimate you are, the more physical closeness is expected, Dr. Manuslov explains. Within those zones, people have their own comfort levels. And if you violate someone’s level, “that will likely have an impact on how they see you and what they think you’re trying to communicate, even if you’re not,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Standing or sitting closer to somebody can suggest intimacy and engagement. But getting too close can come off as being aggressive, overly familiar, not respecting their personal space, or trying to intimidate them, Roberts says. On the other hand, standing too far can be perceived as coldness or aloofness, Dr. Manuslov says—like “stay away from me.” 

Pay attention to this one next time you’re at a social event where you’re meeting new people. You’ll know if someone wants to be closer or farther based on their reactions. “What typically happens is the other person will back up,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Or try to move closer.) Follow their lead: If they back up, don’t move closer again. (And, of course, if someone gets too close for your comfort level, you should back up.) 

6. Constantly fidgeting. 

Maybe you tend to play with your hands, tap your feet, or squirm in your seat. “If someone knows you and knows that’s just how you are, they’re less likely to be bothered by it or notice it,” Dr. Manuslov says. But when someone doesn’t know you as well, fidgeting can suggest that you’re bored, impatient, distracted, or nervous. “I may just be tapping my foot, but you may see it as I can’t wait to get away from this conversation,” Roberts says. 

If you’re a big fidgeter, there are a couple of things to try. One is to simply practice fidgeting less. While it can be a tough habit to break, Dr. Manuslov says it’s doable with time. That said, for many people who are neurodivergent, not fidgeting is extremely challenging or impossible, Dr. Manuslov points out. Some research suggests that fidgeting might help people with ADHD pay attention. And individuals with autism may use repetitive movements to self-regulate. 

Another option that Roberts recommends is just mentioning it, like: “Just so you know, I tend to be fidgety. But it doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention to you, that’s just what I do.” 

7. A gentle touch on the arm. 

Physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to make somebody feel cared for, Dr. Manuslov says. In general, a brief, light touch on the arm communicates empathy or emotional support. It says “I’m here for you, I feel for you, and I care.” Stick to the forearm, upper arm, or shoulder. 

While most people appreciate light touch, Dr. Manuslov says, some are touch-avoidant. She recommends paying attention to how they respond—if someone tenses up or pulls away, that’s a no-go. And in the workplace, any touch (especially between different genders) could communicate over-intimacy or a lack of professional boundaries. “If you’re friends with somebody in the office, that’s kind of different,” Dr. Manuslov explains. But in general, play it safe. 

Try offering a gentle touch when you want to be there for somebody who is upset or sharing something tough with you. “In those moments when they really need support, that’s one of the best things, for most people, that you can do,” Dr. Manuslov says.

8.  Speaking in a soft tone.  

Speaking more softly can help set the right tone during a conversation about something serious, Dr. Manuslov says. It generally shows closeness with the person and that you care about what they’re going through. “If someone is upset, you can use a quieter voice to make it a more intimate, serious conversation,” Dr. Manuslov says. A lower volume can also show remorse during an apology, Dr. Manuslov adds.

Try this one next time you want to create more emotional intimacy during a conversation. 

One final rule of nonverbal communication: Stay curious. 

While knowing how people can interpret your nonverbals is super useful, another part of being a good communicator is staying open-minded and curious. 

For one thing, these cues aren’t black-and-white. “Sometimes people believe that nonverbal communication is this universal language,” Dr. Manuslov says. “And there are some biological, automatic things that we may do. But most of the time, they’re affected by our cultural training.” For example, norms around smiling at strangers or how physically affectionate people are can vary a lot from one country to another. And within those cultures, we’re all different. 

And, like we talked about, most nonverbal cues can have multiple meanings. So when you notice what seems like a negative signal, try being curious instead of jumping to conclusions. “Those are moments when it’s really good to notice the meaning that you’re giving to the behavior, and then take a step back and ask yourself, What else could it mean?” Dr. Manuslov says. You can also just ask them. Try something like “Hey, I noticed XYZ. Does that mean you’re upset, or am I totally misreading that?” Dr. Manuslov says. “It can open up a conversation.” 

The post 8 Things You’re Saying Without Even Realizing It appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 02.13.25

4 Communication Styles That Will Sum Up All of Your Conversations

Plus, what your go-to style says about you. ByCarolyn Todd

If you’ve spent much time around your fellow humans, then you already know we all have very different ways of communicating. Maybe your partner yells when they get upset, while you prefer to wield the silent treatment. You may have even noticed that our communication styles can pivot from one interaction to the next. Maybe you’re usually direct to a fault, except when you’re talking to your parents. 

Lucky for us, there are experts who can help us make sense of all this. Communication pros have identified four primary communication styles that help explain pretty much all of your interactions with other people. Understanding these four styles and what they mean might help you see your conversations in a completely new light. 

Here’s what experts want you to know about the four main communication styles: what they are, what they sound like, when and why we use them, where your go-to style comes from, and whether you can learn to change it.  

What are the four main communication styles? 

The styles are based on “the four different basic ways that people communicate with each other,” says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. It’s not entirely clear where the framework comes from, says Madeleine Holland, PhD, associate professor of communication at The University of Texas at Austin Moody College of Communication. And while it hasn’t been studied much by communication scholars, “that doesn’t mean it’s not useful,” Dr. Holland says. The model is simple, makes intuitive sense to most people, and, most importantly, can be pretty illuminating. 

“Having a framework or words to put around abstract interactions is very helpful for people in understanding and sense-making about that interaction,” Dr. Holland says. It’s kind of like putting on a pair of glasses that help you see not just what the other person is saying but how they’re saying it. So you can look at a tense conversation you just had with a roommate and be able to say, “Hm, that felt passive-aggressive,” Dr. Holland explains. Not to mention, understanding the four styles unlocks self-awareness—the first step in being better at communicating, Roberts says.

Most people dabble in all four communication styles at some point, but you’ll probably notice that one feels the most familiar to you and your connections. “You tend to spend most of your time communicating in one of these categories more than the others,” says Roberts. But you’re not locked into one. “We can move between them,” Roberts explains. 

OK, so let’s get into the four styles. 

1. Passive 

Passive communication is like “taking the backseat in a conversation,” Roberts says. It can sound like being submissive, quiet, appeasing, indirect, fawning, and not stating our feelings and needs. We might constantly defer to the other person (“I’m totally good with whatever you want to do!”) or minimize our feelings (“It’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it.”), or apologize a lot.

When we’re using passive communication, we might be silently “waiting and hoping for others to read our minds,” says Ali Miller, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist and couples communication coach. For example, if your partner left their dirty dishes in the sink (again), a person who favors a passive communication style might privately be upset and wish their partner would change their behavior, but not say anything at all. 

Some people who favor passive communication may be just more easygoing by nature, Roberts says, and they’ll switch to a different style when they need to. But leaning heavily on this style can also indicate that we believe our needs and feelings don’t matter, Miller says. Or that avoiding potential conflict is more important. It’s also common to use a passive communication style in dynamics where you think you have less power, Miller says—like, say, when communicating with your boss. 

2. Aggressive

The other end of the spectrum is aggressive communication. This can range anywhere from dismissive to overly defensive or even bossy, says Miller. Or it can sound like being loud, demanding, hostile, or downright mean, Roberts says. You might make critical or judgemental comments (“What’s wrong with you?” or “That’s stupid”), raise your voice, or place blame, Miller adds.

If a person with an aggressive style noticed their partner left their dirty dishes in the sink, they might say something like, “You’re so lazy and inconsiderate. Put the dishes in the dishwasher!” Miller says.

Some people simply have more of an aggressive communication style, Miller says. “They might think they’re just expressing themselves. I’m passionate, I’m intense,” Roberts says. But aggressive communication can also stem from an underlying belief that only my needs and feelings matter, Miller says. Or, again, they lack the tools to communicate their needs properly—so they resort to force. 

You’re more likely to use an aggressive communication style when you feel like you have the upper hand. But you can also resort to aggression when you’re in distress and have important needs (like safety or being understood) that aren’t getting met for a long time, Miller says. “A lot of us tend to get louder when we’re not being heard.” So someone who defaults to passive communication—and has a lot of unexpressed needs bottled up—can actually end up exploding into aggressive communication. 

3. Passive-aggressive 

As the name suggests, this style is a mix of the previous two. As with passive communication, this one is characterized by avoiding directly stating your feelings or needs. But there’s a tinge (or more than a tinge) of aggression thrown in, Roberts says. It can sound like terseness, sarcasm, subtle jabs, snarkiness, saying perfectly kind words but in a bitter tone, or giving someone the silent treatment. You might roll your eyes, give a snippy, “Mhm,” or say, “Yup, that’s totally fine” in a tone that says it’s totally not. 

In our dirty dishes scenario, a passive-aggressive communicator might roll their eyes and make a sarcastic jab, Miller says, like, “Guess I’ll do the dishes…again.” Or they might not bring it up with their partner—but then, at a party that night, complain about how messy they are to a friend while the partner is in earshot. 

Unsurprisingly, these mixed signals can “often lead to the other person feeling confused,” Miller says. “Like, Wait, are you mad at me?” Or you might sense some tension, but not be able to put your finger on why. 

A passive-aggressive style often stems from “confusion about when your own needs even matter” or “feeling like you can’t express them directly,” Miller says. (Maybe because you’re afraid, or you just don’t know how.) You’re also more likely to use this style when you feel you have less power than the other party, Miller says. For instance, maybe someone who’s normally more aggressive leans more passive-aggressive in disagreements with their boss. 

4. Assertive 

Assertive communication is when we’re being direct, respectful, clear, calm, collaborative, and curious, Roberts says. We don’t resort to avoidance, intimidation, or mixed signals because we can express ourselves effectively. Assertive communication sounds like directly stating our needs and feelings—while also making space and expressing consideration for the other person’s needs and feelings, Miller says. 

You might say something like this, Miller says: “This is what I see happening. This is what I feel in relation to that. This is what I want or need. Would you be willing to do this?” And despite this being a healthy way of expressing your needs, when someone isn’t as familiar with assertive communication, they might actually mistake the person for being aggressive or “too direct,” Roberts says. 

An assertive person who saw their partner’s sinkful of dishes might say something like, “The dishes piling up in the sink makes me feel overwhelmed, and I’d love some support in keeping the home tidy so I can feel more relaxed and not resentful. Could you please put your dishes in the dishwasher at the end of the night, or can we switch off who does the dishes each day?”  

Miller says the belief at the core of assertive communication is that your needs and feelings truly matter—and so do other people’s. You believe that your desire for a clean sink matters, and you assume that your partner is also getting a need met by leaving their dishes out (like being able to just collapse on the couch after a long day). 

So we’re more inclined to be assertive when we trust that the other party values our needs and will meet them, Miller says. It’s also easier to access when we feel like we’re on equal footing with someone, Roberts says—a healthy friendship, a mutually respectful colleagueship—as well as when we’re feeling emotionally regulated. 

A few caveats about communication styles

These four communication styles aren’t always so cut and dry. Here are a few nuances experts want you to keep in mind about where the styles come from, why we jump around, and how we can learn a new style. 

A lot of factors influence your go-to style. 

So, why might we gravitate towards a particular style? You can blame that on conditioning, Miller says. How you grew up has a massive impact. “We model what we learn in our families,” Roberts says. If your parents or older siblings favored one style, that’s more likely to become your default (and seem pretty normal to you). Or maybe you grew up in a household where you learned your needs don’t matter, Miller says, so you learned to resort to passive communication. 

How we’re socialized also matters—like the communication norms of the country and culture you’re raised in. “There are certain cultures that are generally more passive and others that are more direct and assertive,” Roberts says. Gender dynamics factor in too. Girls, women, and feminine-presenting folks “have been historically socialized to be more passive,” Roberts says. Meanwhile, assertive communication can be especially tough for women, who “often struggle with expressing our needs directly [and] making clear, direct requests,” Miller says. Race can also play a role, especially if racism and racial biases have impacted the way you feel comfortable communicating. “Perceptions, biases, and expectations can influence whether [you’re] seen as confident or aggressive,” Roberts says. For instance, a woman or BIPOC person may be more likely to be accused of being aggressive when they’re being assertive.

You switch between the styles based on several factors.

It’s normal to shift gears depending on the person and scenario. If the other person has a volatile temper or is dominant in the relationship, for example, you’re more likely to tip-toe around them with passive communication. Then there’s the social norms of the environment you’re in, Roberts says—school, the office, the doctor’s office, church. Maybe you’re typically more passive-aggressive, but switch to passive when you’re talking to your teacher or manager because that’s more how you’re expected to behave. 

Your emotional state matters too. “If you’re under stress, if you’re fearful or angry, it can shift how you communicate,” Roberts explains. Maybe you’re pretty good at assertive communication when you’re feeling calm and curious—but flip into aggressive mode when you’re upset. The style you tend to lean on when you’re in distress often corresponds with your typical stress response (or “fight-or-flight” response). For example, “If your default is to go into fight mode, you’re probably more likely to have aggressive communication,” Miller says. “If your default is to go into freeze mode, you’re likely to be more passive.” 

Most of us need to practice assertive communication.  

The most effective communication style is assertive. But it doesn’t come naturally, and it’s not often modeled for us. “I don’t know anyone who is a master of assertive communication without actually working on it,” Miller says. Otherwise, we’re probably going to default to one of the others. “When we don’t know how to be assertive, or we can’t tap into our sense of empowerment or mattering, that’s when we tend to be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive,” Miller explains. 

Luckily, assertive communication is a skill you can get better at with practice. Miller says a good place to start is the Nonviolent Communication model, which is a simple four-step framework. You could also work with a therapist or coach specializing in interpersonal communication. 

None of the communication styles are bad. 

Sure, a lot of us might be aspiring to get better at assertive communication. But “none of these styles are bad or wrong,” Miller points out. “They’re all attempts to meet needs.” For example, being passive may fulfill the need for a sense of safety in a tense or dangerous situation. Being aggressive can be an attempt to be heard or appear strong. So don’t judge yourself. “We’re always doing our best,” Miller says. “Have self-compassion.” 

The post 4 Communication Styles That Will Sum Up All of Your Conversations appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.31.24

How to Know If You’re Actually Getting Enough Sleep

How much can your sleep tracker really tell you? ByCarolyn Todd

By now, we all know that sleep is pretty damn important. (The endless stream of sleep tracking products has made that abundantly clear!) Getting enough shut-eye is crucial for your mental and physical health—as well as just, you know, feeling like a human. And big shifts in your sleeping patterns can even be a tip-off that you’re dealing with depression or anxiety (among other things). 

But—quick question—how do you actually know if you’re getting enough sleep? Is the magic number really eight hours? Should you use a sleep tracker? (How accurate are those things anyway?) Should we all be getting sleep studies just in case?

We checked in with some sleep experts to answer all these questions and more.  

How much sleep do you really need? 

We hate to tell you that your whole life has been a lie but…that blanket eight-hours recommendation isn’t necessarily right for all of us. 

“Everybody needs a different amount of sleep, and a person needs different amounts of sleep at different times in their life,” says Jade Wu, PhD, a board-certified behavioral sleep medicine psychologist. 

How much rest you need largely depends on your genetics and age, Dr. Wu says. For example, your bestie might biologically need only seven hours of sleep to be well-rested, while your body genuinely requires nine. (Research shows there are even people who feel just peachy on four to six hours, thanks to certain genetic mutations.) 

Also worth noting: “we require less and less sleep as we age,” says Alicia Roth, PhD, a clinical health psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic who is board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine. In general, experts recommend teens ages 14-17 get eight to ten hours, adults 18-64 get at least seven hours, and adults over 65 get seven to eight hours, according to the National Sleep Foundation (NSF). (Again, these are just general recommendations.) 

How to know if you’re getting enough sleep 

OK, so how do you know if you’re getting what your body needs? It’s actually pretty straightforward. “The easiest and really the only way to tell whether you’re getting enough sleep is by how you feel during the day,” says Dr. Wu. “Are you feeling sleepy?” 

Before you roll your eyes and tell us that you’ve been tired since 2019, hear us out. Sleepy isn’t the same as regular tired, experts say. “Tired is like, you’re dragging, you don’t have energy, you don’t feel up to it,” Dr. Wu explains. “You might feel exhausted and lethargic. But if you actually try to lay down and sleep, you can’t. Because you’re not actually sleepy.” 

Being sleepy means that you could legitimately doze off right now if given the opportunity. “Or maybe if someone put on a boring enough movie, you could,” Dr. Wu says. “That means you’re not getting enough sleep.” And if you are actually taking naps and still struggling to keep your eyes open? You’re definitely underslept, says Shelby Harris, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in New York who specializes in behavioral sleep medicine. 

Obviously, it’s common to feel both tired and sleepy if you’re not snoozing enough. But tiredness on its own can be caused by things like stress, boredom or dehydration, Dr. Wu says—whereas sleepiness only comes from not getting enough sleep or enough good quality sleep (more on that later).

A few quick caveats here: If you feel like you could go back to bed right after waking up, don’t sweat it. “Often people judge how well they slept last night by how they feel first thing in the morning. But that first half hour is not supposed to feel good,” Dr. Wu says. Unpleasant as it is, it’s normal to feel groggy and a little out of it for the first 30 minutes or so of your day, Dr. Wu says. It’s OK if you get a bout of drowsiness in the afternoon too, she adds—that’s just the rhythm of your body’s inner clock.

Also: If you’re only able to keep your eyes open with an ungodly amount of cold brew, you could still be underslept. Guzzling a lot of caffeine “might mask your natural sleepiness,” Dr. Wu explains. “So unmedicated alertness is what we’re looking for.”

Other signs you might be underslept include a crabby mood, difficulty concentrating, and shaky short-term memory, Dr. Roth says. But something like moodiness “can be due to a million things,” Dr. Harris points out, like stress or depression. (And it’s pretty common for poor sleep and mental health issues to overlap, Dr. Roth notes.) That’s why sleepiness is the main red flag. 

Can sleep tracking products tell you if you’re sleeping enough? 

“Yes, but with a grain of salt,” Dr. Wu says. For instance, if you just want to know how much sleep you’re getting, “a wearable can probably tell you that,” Dr. Wu says. While some tracking devices are more accurate than others, Dr. Harris says that most have gotten pretty good at telling you the total amount of time your body is asleep. (At least for the average, healthy, young or middle-aged person. Dr. Wu says we don’t have much data on how accurate these devices are in everyone, like people with sleep disorders or older people.)

How do these wearables work, exactly? “None of them are actually directly measuring sleep,” Dr. Wu says. (That would require an EEG to measure your brain waves.) Instead, they’re guesstimating using cues from your body that indicate whether you’re likely asleep or awake—like your body position, movements, heart rate, and heart rate variability. 

Pros caution that the only number you want to really trust is your total sleep time, though. They’re more skeptical when it comes to sleep stages and sleep quality grades (like your sleep score or body battery). These numbers are “kind of arbitrary” and haven’t been vetted by sleep scientists, Dr. Wu says. “I wouldn’t say they’re completely useless for sleep staging, but they’re not very reliable across the board,” Dr. Harris adds.

So a wearable can certainly satisfy your curiosity about sleep quantity. And if you’re working on clocking more hours at night and want to hold yourself accountable to that goal, a tracker can help, Dr. Wu says. 

But what a tracker definitely can’t tell you is whether the amount of sleep you’re getting is enough for you, Dr. Wu says. For example, if your tracker tells you you’re only averaging six hours, but you feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed during the day, you’re probably not sleep-deprived. Or if it says you’re clocking a solid eight hours but you feel sleepy all day, you might be somebody who needs nine hours to function well, or you might even be dealing with an undiagnosed sleep condition. So while these wearables can help validate how you feel during the day and give you something to discuss with a provider, they shouldn’t be the only metric you take into consideration. 

How do you know if you’re getting good quality sleep? 

Let’s say you (and maybe your sleep tracker) are pretty sure you’re getting eight or more hours of sleep a night, but you’re consistently sleepy as hell throughout the day. It’s possible that you’re not getting good quality sleep. The surest sign is if you’re sleeping a lot, but still feeling sleepy all day, Dr. Harris says. 

A few more signs of bad quality sleep include snoring, frequent nightmares, kicking or thrashing a lot, waking up often, grinding your teeth, or getting up to use the bathroom a lot. These are all hints that you might be dealing with a sleep disorder, Dr. Harris says. 

A sleep tracking device could potentially offer some clues, too. While, again, sleep scores or grades might not be totally trustworthy, other data points can indicate less-than-awesome sleep quality. For instance, “It can show that you’re moving around a lot or waking up frequently,” says Dr. Roth. Certain sleep tracking products can also show a drop in oxygen levels or an elevated heart rate, Dr. Harris adds. (All potential symptoms of a sleep disorder.) 

What to do if you’re not getting enough sleep 

If you’re worried you’re slacking in the sleep department, it’s normal to look around for possible solutions. And there are tons out there right now—from natural sleep aids and supplements to various sleep products that promise to turn your bedroom into a bedtime haven. And, of course, sleep studies are an option. 

But before you jump into all that, the experts suggest starting with some free and simple strategies. Like, oh, trying to actually get more sleep (maybe an hour) for a couple weeks and watch what happens. “Even start with 30 minutes more for a few days and see if that helps,” Dr. Harris says. 

To make this happen, you might need to polish up on your sleep hygiene, Dr. Harris says. You know the drill: Stick to a sleep schedule, limit alcohol and caffeine, get some movement during the day, avoid bright screens before bed, have a winddown routine, and keep your room dark, cool, and quiet, per the NSF. (Also, if you’re staying up to push back against a busy schedule, here are some tips for stopping that revenge bedtime procrastination.)

You can also keep a sleep diary for a couple of weeks (using a free app or template) where you record things like your bedtime, wake time, difficulty drifting off, caffeine or alcohol use, exercise, and sleep disturbances. You’re looking for “variables that influence a good night versus a poor night” and “patterns that you may be able to correct on your own,” Dr. Roth says. 

If this helps you get more sleep and curbs the urge to faceplant on your desk during the day: cool, problem solved. You were, in fact, needing more sleep. “But if that’s not helping enough, then you want to see a doctor,” Dr. Harris says. What kind of doctor—and whether you might require a sleep study—depends on your problem.

If you simply can’t sleep more because you’re wide awake in bed for hours, then insomnia is probably to blame. All a sleep study would show is that you’re laying there awake, Dr. Harris points out. (Pretty unhelpful.) Instead, you’ll want to see a sleep psychologist or psychiatrist. They’ll probably treat you with CBT for insomnia, Dr. Harris says—a highly effective short-term therapy that includes behavioral changes and relaxation techniques. (If that’s not enough, medications may also help, she adds.) 

How to know if it’s time for a sleep study 

As comfy as the idea of sleeping hooked up to a bunch of wires in a cold, strange lab might sound, there’s really only one reason you’d need a sleep study: If your doctor suspects that a sleep condition is stopping you from getting enough good-quality sleep. 

So, if you’re getting what seems like enough sleep but you’re still battling daytime sleepiness, or if you’re experiencing any of those signs of poor sleep quality we mentioned (snoring, frequent nightmares, or waking up a lot), a sleep study is a good idea.  

You can start with your primary care provider or go straight to a sleep specialist (depending on your insurance situation). A PCP can screen you for potential sleep disorders, including the most likely culprit, per Dr. Wu: Sleep apnea. (It affects about 26% of people between the ages of 30 and 70, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.)

When you have sleep apnea, your breathing stops and starts, waking you up many times (usually without you remembering), and preventing you from reaching those deep, restorative stages of sleep, according to the Mayo Clinic. “You can sleep nine, ten hours but still feel very sleepy during the day,” Dr. Wu says. 

If your doctor suspects sleep apnea or another type of sleep disorder (like narcolepsy or parasomnias), they’ll send you to a sleep specialist who can order a sleep study and figure out what’s going on.

What do these mystical sleep studies entail? There are two types: At-home and in-lab. Doctors will usually opt for an at-home sleep test if you show signs of sleep apnea, Dr. Wu says. You get to sleep in your own bed and wear some nifty equipment to sleep for two or three nights, which measures things like how often you stop breathing, Dr. Wu explains.

The second kind of sleep study is called an in-lab polysomnogram. This is the whole shebang, or “the gold standard sleep study,” as Dr. Wu puts it, and it can be used to detect sleep apnea and the other sleep disorders we mentioned above. You’ll sleep overnight in a lab wearing a bunch of sensors, while somebody monitors things like your brain waves, eye movements, body movements, and heart rate, according to the Mayo Clinic. 

While this test only captures one night, it provides the full picture of what’s happening whenever you sleep, Dr. Wu says. A sleep study will tell your doctor if you’ve got a condition that’s been wreaking havoc on your sleep. And, of course, how to treat what’s going on—so you can start snoozing smoothly at night, and rejoin the land of the living during the day.

The post How to Know If You’re Actually Getting Enough Sleep appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.10.24

That Sense of Impending Doom? Here’s How to Cope

The horrors may persist but so do your coping skills. ByCarolyn Todd

If you’re living on planet Earth right now, there’s a good chance you’re no stranger to feeling a sense of impending doom. A dear friend of existential dread, impending doom is a similarly dark and uncanny feeling. It can be hard to describe, but you know it when you feel it. It can feel like a slow-moving tidal wave. An eerie mist. An ominous cloud brewing overhead. Maybe this sinister sensation likes to visit you once in a while when you’re lying in bed at night. Or maybe it’s something you’ve been carrying around pretty much all day every day for a while now. 

If there’s one thing you can take comfort in when it comes to this unsettling experience, it’s the fact that you’re not alone. “There are a lot of people who are feeling an impending sense of doom,” says Los Angeles-based psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT. “It’s affecting everybody these days.” 

So, what is this sense of impending doom, exactly? Why do we get it? (Besides, you know, *gestures broadly at everything*.) When should we seek support for it? And, most importantly, what can we do to stop impending doom from totally killing the vibe? 

What is impending doom, exactly? 

“It’s the overwhelming sense that something life-threatening or tragic is going to happen, but without any specific, concrete prediction,” says clinical psychologist, speaker, and consultant Jessica Stern, PhD. “People might say, ‘I’m not sure what I’m afraid of specifically, but I feel worried that something bad is going to happen.’”

It’s basically a mix of worry, fear, sadness, anxiousness, and darkness, Dr. Stern says. Like we mentioned, impending doom also has some overlap with existential dread, that terrible sense of despair and anxiety about the uncertainty of life and inevitability of death. Your doomy feels might come with grim thoughts or far-fetched beliefs about the future, Tsilimparis says. Or you might just notice a vague sense of foreboding. 

Usually this sense of impending doom crops up amid difficult events or changes going on in your life or the world that “feel scary and overwhelming and beyond your control,” Dr. Stern says. (Like, say, a wave of layoffs in your industry or extreme weather events.) But the level of threat you’re registering “feels much bigger and more abstract than what is specifically going on,” Dr. Stern explains. Like, the-whole-world-is-about-to-end big. However, it’s also totally possible to feel a sense of impending doom that doesn’t seem connected to anything specific going on, Dr. Stern says. 

What makes impending doom different from regular ol’ anxiety? How pervasive and intangible it is. Say you’re feeling super anxious about hitting a work deadline, or you have a fear of flying and you’re afraid your flight is going to crash. “That’s not impending doom, because it’s a very specific, very concrete fear that is directly related to something that [you] are actively experiencing,” Dr. Stern explains. Whereas with impending doom, it’s typically harder to pinpoint an exact fear or prediction, or it’s related to stuff outside your immediate experience. (However, impending doom can happen alongside anxiety and other mental health conditions. More on that to come.) 

What causes a sense of impending doom? 

Our brains have basically evolved to be hyper-aware of potential dangers and make negative predictions about the future, Tsilimparis explains. “We’ve stayed alive because we tend to prioritize fear and negativity.” And that’s pretty useful when facing tangible, specific threats we can do something about (like a tiger that might be hiding in the trees or a long, cold winter). 

But in today’s world—where we face so many unknowns and massive, even cataclysmic threats beyond our control—our brain’s tendency to dread the worst can incline us toward a sense of impending doom. “The brain expects that something bad is going to happen… but it can’t latch onto something specific,” Dr. Stern explains. “So it creates this general, abstract dark cloud that we get stuck in.”

That vague sense of doomsday being upon us can be triggered by many different external stressors: Collective traumas, current events, existential threats to humanity. “Election dejection, holiday blues, the state of the economy, wars overseas, you name it,” Tsilimparis says. While personal hardships can contribute, it’s usually forces that “feel much bigger than yourself and out of your control” that send you into catastrophizing mode, Dr. Stern says. Think climate change, racism, recessions, political upheavals, government collapses, global pandemics, artificial intelligence gone awry…you get the idea. 

Speaking of global pandemics—some of the impending doom we’re experiencing now is actually thanks to the imprints Covid left on our collective psyche. “The pandemic primed us for impending doom,” as Tsilimparis puts it. When we experience enduring threats or traumas (like Covid), we’re conditioned to keep expecting more calamities around the corner, Dr. Stern explains. We just know something terrible is about to happen again. Then a new stressor can “retrigger that lingering collective trauma,” Tsilimparis says.  

It’s important to know that the state of the world isn’t the only explanation for a sense of impending doom, though. Sometimes it’s connected to a mental health condition, Tsilimparis points out—like panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, or depression. For instance, impending doom that strikes out of the blue can be a precursor to (or sometimes a symptom of) a panic attack, Dr. Stern says. Similarly, someone in a depressive episode might feel a sense of doom underlying pretty much everything, Tsilimparis says. 

How to deal with a sense of impending doom

Despite all the doom you’re feeling, there are things you can do to manage or lessen that feeling of imminent devastation. Here’s what the experts recommend. 

1. Reel in your news and social media habits. 

“Be careful with saturating yourself with too much news,” Tsilimparis says. Staying informed is important, yes. But exposing yourself to a constant flood of alarmist headlines and images is only going to ramp up your sense of dread. (It’s called doomscrolling for a reason.) A few ideas: Turn off news and social media notifications, unfollow accounts that send you spiraling, or set automatic time limits for app use. 

2. Focus on your immediate responsibilities. 

Instead of spinning out into the future, tend to the things that are present, important to you, and in your sphere of influence. “Take care of your kids, take care of your job, take care of your home, take care of your family,” Tsilimparis says. Redirecting your energy towards what you care about—and can exert some control over—enhances your sense of agency, he explains. 

3. Soothe and ground your body. 

Just like there are physical symptoms of anxiety that can be brought on when you encounter a perceived threat, a sense of impending doom can trigger a physiological stress response too, explains Tsilimparis.  

Grounding techniques and self-care strategies that involve your body can cue to your system that you’re safe and help deactivate that stress response, Tsilimparis says. He recommends things like yoga, stretching, diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and sensory grounding (observing what you can perceive through your five senses). 

4. Do more things that bring you joy. 

This one sounds “so obvious and simple,” Dr. Stern concedes. “But the reason it’s important is that in the state of impending doom, the mind is really primed for negative things to happen.” Like we talked about, you’re pretty sensitized to what’s scary or sad. “So providing your mind with opportunities to explore positive or even neutral experiences can be really helpful,” Dr. Stern says. Think cozying up with your favorite fantasy book, having a fun date night with your partner, or visiting a beautiful place in nature and looking for glimmers. 

This isn’t about toxic positivity-ing your way out of impending doom, BTW. “It’s not to negate it, but to add some dimension or balance to it,” Dr. Stern says. 

5. Write down what you’re feeling. 

Dr. Stern recommends doing some journaling the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by doom, even if you’re not typically a huge journaler. Putting pen to paper can make what you’re experiencing a little more workable. “Impending doom can feel so vague,” Dr. Stern says, “so being able to journal about it and whatever feelings you’re experiencing gives you an opportunity to name them.”

Dumping the gloomy contents of your mind onto paper can also help you start separating fact from fiction. “You want to watch the what-ifs and the projections when we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow,” Tsilimparis says. Seeing these things on paper can show you how unlikely they are, Dr. Stern says. “So it sort of breaks down the fears.” 

6. Add some structure to your days.

It might feel easier to let go of routines when you’re in a doom cloud, but Tsilimparis encourages the opposite. “It helps to maintain a certain degree of consistency,” he says. “Try sticking to routines and maintaining structure as much as possible.” Regularity in your daily life can be a stabilizing counterforce to the chaos of world events or doomsday scenarios in your head. Something as simple as keeping up with your morning gym routine or bedtime ritual can be grounding for your system. 

7. Practice mindfulness. 

“When we get caught in the impending doom, it can feel like we’re being dragged down into a pit,” Dr. Stern says. “We can lose a little bit of our perspective on what’s happening in the moment.” Mindfulness exercises and meditation (where you rest your attention on something in the present, like the feeling of your breath) are ways to bring yourself back up into the moment and reset your perspective, Dr. Stern says. Over time, a mindfulness practice can also teach you to relate to your doomy thoughts and feelings differently. 

8. Talk about it. 

Even though impending doom is such a common feeling lately, “it can be very isolating,” Dr. Stern says. It’s easy to feel like you’re a weirdo or you have to face it by yourself—but bottling your feelings up only makes them more overwhelming. So Dr. Stern recommends confiding in a trusted friend or family member who’s a good listener, empathetic, and balanced in their perspective. 

Sharing your experience can help normalize it. “You might find out you’re not alone with it,”  Tsilimparis says. Talking out your fears might help you see them a little more clearly too. “The more you talk about it, the more it starts to sound a little bit absurd to you,” Tsilimparis says.

9. Think about therapy. 

If what you’re feeling is making it hard to function in your daily life or enjoy things, tanking your mood, or making you feel disconnected in relationships, it’s important to seek mental health support, Dr. Stern says. Not only to help with the sense of impending doom, but you may also be dealing with something bigger like depression or an anxiety disorder. 

That said, feeling a sense of impending doom is a great excuse to start therapy even if it’s not at that level. “You don’t need to reach a certain threshold of distress in order to pursue therapy,” Dr. Stern says. Talking it out with a pro can help you process, cope with, and even start to shift that sense of impending doom. Because it may be a way-too-common experience these days, but it’s not one you have to go through alone.

The post That Sense of Impending Doom? Here’s How to Cope appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By

Because you probably don’t really care how someone’s work is going—do you? ByCarolyn Todd

Want to know the secret ingredient for feeling less awkward and more outgoing at pretty much any social gathering? No, it’s not alcohol—it’s a running list of deep conversation starters that will get people talking, sharing, and connecting.   

“I recommend having a few stored in your back pocket that you can turn to when the conversation runs dry or broaches a topic that feels controversial,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. Ideally, you want prompts and questions that are “simultaneously a safe bet, and also interesting,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

So, what are questions that can take you beyond the usual pleasantries when you’re seated next to somebody you don’t know that well? How can you redirect someone when they broach a hot-button political issue? And what are ways to start a conversation that actually creates a deeper connection, instead of just passing the time? 

For answers, we turned to some professionals who literally make a living getting people to open up: therapists. They shared their favorite deep questions and conversation starters (or conversation changers) that you can keep handy this small-talk season. 

And before we get to their suggestions, here’s one bonus pro tip that several of our experts offered: Be prepared to share answers to these deep conversation starters yourself—or even go first. People generally respond better when you lead with a little self-disclosure upfront, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

1. What were some of your favorite memories from the year?

“A great place to start, this question can spark meaningful exchanges that don’t feel overly personal. People love sharing highlights!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

2. Does your family have any fun or meaningful traditions? 

“Most everyone has a meaningful or quirky holiday tradition to share, and this lets them tell the story. They can reveal as much or as little as they’d like and then compare their experiences with others. Not everyone has good memories of past holidays, though, and if this comes up you can easily change the question to ‘What tradition would you like to start?’” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

3. What’s one thing you’ve overcome that you feel really proud of?

“One of my favorites for going deeper is giving people the opportunity to share a challenge they’ve overcome. Questions like this steer people away from the danger zones, like politics, and can really humanize people. It lets them share something real that they’ve grown from. You can follow up with, ‘Well, how did you do it? Did you overcome it the first time? Did you have to keep trying?’ We all have these stories because we’ve all had tough things in our lives—even the most brilliant, successful people on the planet.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

4. What’s something you’ve recommended to friends recently—like a recipe, movie, book, or show?

“People enjoy sharing their favorite finds and this question can help you find common ground.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

5. What’s the worst holiday present you’ve ever received? 

“Humor is a great way to bond, so asking about the worst presents can make for fun conversational exchanges. As long as your giver isn’t in the room, sharing with others about unique or irreverent gifts can lend a lot of laughter to festive occasions.” —Deborah Serani, PsyD. a psychologist based in Smithtown, New York and professor at Adelphi University

6. What’s been bringing you joy lately? 

“This is the other side of the spectrum. Asking somebody what’s bringing them joy recently is a way of having a shared experience with the person. Because when we dip into our joy reservoirs internally, it’s something that you want to share with another person. More often than not, they’re going to want to hear about the glimmers of joy that are happening in your life, too.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

7. What’s something you learned this year that surprised you?

“Us therapists love a deep chat, but I like this one because it allows the other person to pick if they want to answer in a funny light-hearted way or if they want an opportunity for vulnerability and self-reflection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

8. What movie never fails to make you cry? (And why?)  

“Many people have difficulty talking about emotions, especially crying, but this question provides just enough distance to let their guard down. Most people can relate to movie-inspired tears and say the great acting or powerful story was the real source. The follow-up question allows a person to be a bit more vulnerable if they’d like, sharing how they relate to the story.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

9. How have you been feeling?

“I don’t love the standard ‘How are you?’ because people tend to just say ‘OK’ or ‘fine.’ And neither of those are actual emotions. So I like to ask how they feel. I mean, there’s a reason my book is called that! The question makes people actually pause, hear you, and respond with an actual emotion instead of kind of blowing the question off.”  —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

10. What is one thing you changed your mind about this year?

“This question encourages self-reflection and deeper conversations. It’s also great for shifting the focus from surface-level chatter to something more engaging, and people can choose the level of vulnerability with which they want to approach this question.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

11. What niche hobbies or interests are you really into these days? 

“​​This is a good one if the conversation is turning to politics, because most people do like to talk about themselves. I like to find something that the person is interested in or pretty good at and ask questions about it—like how they got into it or what keeps them going. If you turn the conversation to something they love and give them space to talk about it, they’ll often be happy to change the topic and go a little bit deeper.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

12. What’s something you’re really proud of that isn’t work-related?

“If you get bored to tears by the ‘What do you do?’ small talk, then this convo starter is great for you! Plus it invites the other person to share something personal and meaningful beyond professional success, which allows for a deeper understanding and connection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

13. What are you hopeful about next year?

“Hope and optimism can be powerful antidotes to stress or tension. This question can generate uplifting conversations and open the door to checking in and supporting each other throughout the year.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

14. If money and time were not a factor, what passion would you pursue?

“This question taps into a person’s deeper desires, and by removing time and money barriers they can really let their dreams go wild. Some people reveal an unfulfilled wish, others may talk about charitable work or time with friends and family. It’s a low-stakes question that allows someone to imagine their best life, and you can learn something about them along the way.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

15. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

“Laughter is a quick connector, and this question can lead to lighthearted storytelling or even shared humor (a great litmus test for friendship compatibility!).” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

16. Tell me about a meaningful or surreal experience that you’ll never forget.

“It moves people into reminiscing and savoring past experiences. Also, if you’re in conversation with people that you already know pretty well, there are always pockets of experience that you haven’t actually told each other about. You may not know how a close family member would answer this question.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

17. Tell me a high and low from your day/week.  

“I like this better than ‘How was your day?’ Because usually when we ask that, people think we want to hear about only one or the other, the positive or the negative. If it’s someone you’re close to, they might tell you only the bad things. Or if it’s someone you don’t know as well, they might tell you only the good things. Asking it this way gives them an opportunity to share about both sides and kind of forces a balance.” —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

18. Which fictional character do you think you’d get along with in real life?

“This is a playful way to explore someone’s personality and interests. It often leads to surprising and fun insights—I rotate lighthearted small-talk questions on the contact page of my website and this is the one I’ve gone with most recently!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

The post 18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By appeared first on Wondermind.

Highly Recommend Link Copied 11.18.24

25 Podcasts That Feel Like Self-Care

Some are silly, some are serious, and all pair well with a good mental health walk. ByCarolyn Todd

Your podcast feed is what you make it: It can be a fountain of knowledge and learning, a steady drip of harrowing news (and stress), or an endless supply of entertaining brain candy. For many of us, our podcasts have become something unexpected and quite special: A treasured source of self-care. (Not to mention, a delightfully low-effort one: Just pop in your earbuds and feel good about taking care of yourself.)

Podcasts can fit into your self-care routine in all kinds of ways. Shows hosted by licensed psychologists, for instance, can give you trustworthy mental health insights or support the work you do in therapy sessions. “With the concepts that we learn in therapy, it can be really helpful to hear real-life stories and examples, or hear them fleshed out in long-form,” says Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia. 

There are also tons of shows that dip into the wellness space—where you can learn about meditation, connect to your spiritual side, or get practical tips for taking better care of your mind and body. 

And then there are all the pods that seem to have nothing to do with self-care (from obscure history to pop culture), but they’re so fascinating, funny, or moving that just listening to an episode feels like a potent little dose of self–care. Need a good laugh? A healthy escape? A mood boost? You can nerd out on a niche deep dive, get lost in someone’s inspiring life story, or pretend you’re hanging out with your extremely witty and well-spoken friends. 

If you feel like your podcast feed could use a refresh, you’re in luck. We asked a bunch of people (including some mental health experts) for their top self-care podcast recommendations, from the serious to the silly. Get ready to download a healthy dose of self-care.

1. Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

“This is the chief podcast that I typically recommend to couples. Esther Perel is a powerhouse and an excellent communicator. She has great insights into how our individual life experiences impact our relationships—and how our relationships can be a form of caring for our inner selves. Relationships can really be a form of healing and maturation for us. And so although this podcast is not directly self-care-heavy, it is systemically self-care-heavy. Because if we are able to find growth and healing in our relationships, that’s the ultimate self-care.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

2. Normal Gossip

“As far as podcasts that bring some joy to my day, Normal Gossip actually makes me laugh out loud. It dives into strange, funny, everyday gossip about people you don’t know and will never meet. The true stories are stranger than fiction, which is what I really like about it. There are some wild things you can’t even imagine happening to you, but there’s enough reality in the stories to make them relatable. And the banter between the hosts is really engaging, like listening to gossip between your friends. It’s a nice little escape. I love listening to it when I’m going on a walk, driving, or making lunch.” —Megan F., 33

3. Re:Thinking with Adam Grant

“This one provides such a refreshing take on various topics in psychology. It covers a breadth of interesting aspects of life and allows me to nerd out. I really do like psychology, and I’m fascinated by many different aspects of the field—from navigating relationships to managing burnout. So educating myself is a form of self-care. Often the guests are famous individuals or celebrities and it’s always exciting to hear their take.” —Terri Bacow, PhD, a therapist based in New York City

4. It’s OK That You’re Not OK with Megan Devine

“Megan Devine is a therapist who’s written a book on grief and experienced it firsthand herself. She talks about a lot of different mental health topics—like anger, friendship, boundaries, complex PTSD, and self-care—in a thoughtful way that makes you want to hear more. She comes at everything from her background in grief, but she also has deep conversations with people who have expertise in the particular area she’s talking about.” —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, Chief Wellness Officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

5. No Stupid Questions

“Self-care can sometimes mean feeding your curiosity, and No Stupid Questions does just that! Hosted by research psychologist Angela Duckworth (author of Grit) and executive Mike Maughan, this podcast explores the questions we’ve all pondered—like, when do you really become an adult, and are ultimatums ever effective? They tackle these topics in a fun, evidence-based way, using social psychology research to help us better understand ourselves and others.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

6. 10% Happier with Dan Harris

“I’ve learned a ton about mindfulness and meditation from this podcast—like some of the Buddhist traditions and ideas where these practices come from, and some of the neuroscience behind how they work. The host, Dan Harris, is a really good interviewer—he was a journalist before pivoting to the meditation world—and he does a good job of staying curious and being really human in the conversations. His guests are a good mix of meditation teachers, celebrities, psychologists, and researchers. And I love how he ties all the meditation stuff into how it can actually help you feel better in your daily life—like handling your emotions better, or navigating difficult relationships, or changing your habits.” —Brittany R., 27

7. Therapy for Black Girls

“One of the podcasts that I find to be helpful for the population that I work with is Therapy for Black Girls. Dr. Joy is absolutely amazing. Her voice is super-calming. She talks about everyday experiences that Black women and girls might experience. However, it’s also really helpful for the broad scope of women to learn how to process their own emotions and to sit in healing, and what that actually looks like.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

8. Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

“Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend literally never fails to put me in a better mood. Conan is obviously well-loved, so he snags some fantastic guests. The mood of his interviews is always light, warm-hearted, and hilarious. The bit-filled banter between him and his co-hosts, Sona and Matt, has me laughing out loud while shopping for groceries on the reg. Don’t sleep on this pod, it will make your day!” —Eli T., 31

9. Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting

“This podcast is great for stressed-out moms who are interested in parenting tips and advice. As a mom myself, I really enjoy hearing from other moms and experts in the field who can ‘tell it like it is’ and provide evidence-based strategies for surviving parenthood. Hearing about various experiences other moms have had is stress relieving and a form of self-care for me as I learn so much and have my feelings and fears validated. Dr. Damour is brilliant and articulate, and I religiously follow her work.” —Terri Bacow, PhD, a therapist based in New York City

10. Song Exploder

“This is a podcast for music nerds like myself. Hrishikesh Hirway dissects hit songs to discuss their meaning and how they were recorded, and talks with the artists about their experience with the song. Listening to it helps me step out of the hassles of life and appreciate the musical genius of some of my favorite artists.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

11. The SelfWork Podcast with Dr. Margaret Rutherford

“Listening to this podcast is like enjoying a warm cup of tea with a wise, warm-hearted aunt. I first tuned into SelfWork during a low point in my life. Dr. Rutherford covers a range of topics related to self-awareness and self-care. Her insights have helped me realize some of my self-destructive habits, take responsibility for my self-care, and improve my ability to cope with anxiety, depression, and day-to-day life. Thanks to SelfWork, I’ve cultivated a deeper acceptance of myself and learned to love myself with greater intention and thoughtfulness.” —Hope H., 34

12. The Contemplative Science Podcast

“Blending psychology and mindfulness, this podcast, hosted by philosopher and cognitive scientist Mark Miller, PhD, explores the intersection of science and spirituality. Each episode features enlightening discussions with guests—from neuroscientists to monks—about how contemplative practices can enhance mental health and well-being. Miller’s thoughtful insights and engaging interviews provide listeners with practical tools for cultivating mindfulness and emotional resilience.” —Anna Yusim, MD, a psychiatrist, executive coach, and clinical assistant professor at Yale Medical School

13. The Rich Roll Podcast

“This entertaining podcast about wellness is so inspiring and empowering. The guests have fascinating things to share and truly interesting perspectives. They’re extremely well-versed in various topics related to self-development and self-care, whether it’s succeeding at business or the way that movement changes the brain. I’ve learned a lot of information that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I find that listening gives me good ideas and provides a good ‘escape’ from my daily routine.” —Terri Bacow, PhD, a therapist based in New York City

14. Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus

“The podcast is really about hearing ‘older’ and ‘wiser’ women’s stories and recognizing how much we can learn from them. What wisdom can you get from people who’ve already been through it? What from their lived experiences can you apply moving forward in your life? She has a lot of celebrity guests on, and she asks really good questions about what they felt made them successful, or what they’ve loved about their life. It feels kind of like Tuesdays with Morrie, but funnier.” —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, Chief Wellness Officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

15. Stuff You Should Know

“The night I first listened to Stuff You Should Know, I was going through serious alcohol withdrawal after a few years of daily drinking, plus untreated depression and anxiety. I’ve been sober for six years now, and I still rely on this podcast for times when my brain just won’t slow down. When I’m listening, I can get outside of my own head and feel as if I’m hanging out with the hosts, Josh and Chuck, while they exchange dad jokes and dive into a variety of topics—from ‘How Soil Works’ to ‘How Money Laundering Works.’ I’m able to both shift my focus away from whatever is on my mind, and learn some interesting facts along the way.” —Carolyn S., 28

16. The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

“I work with a lot of folks who are ambitious. Diary of a CEO offers a lot of insight into how these types of people are overcoming challenges, as well as how they’re using that in their everyday service. Sometimes we may not see the intersection of ambition and emotional wellness—meaning, How can I be an ambitious person and, at the same time, have a good sense of emotional wellness in my life? It is possible, and I think Diary of a CEO does a great job exploring that. It is really emotional, candid, and poignant.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

17. Good Inside with Dr. Becky

“If you’re a parent, Dr. Becky Kennedy probably needs no introduction. On Good Inside, she’s not just helping a new generation of parents raise emotionally healthy children—she’s encouraging all of us to strengthen our self-understanding and self-compassion, which is especially helpful for those of us who feel things deeply. It’s a comforting and insightful listen, whether you’re raising kids now or happen to be one once upon a time.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

18. Office Ladies

“I am a huge television geek—watching TV, for me, is a balm and an escape. One of my favorite things to do is to read recaps after watching certain shows, and this podcast takes a deep dive into one of my all-time favorites: The Office. Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey have an amazing rapport and each episode is a joy to listen to. Entertainment is a major form of self-care for me, and I love getting lost in the nitty-gritty details of how shows get made and the ‘behind the scenes’ intel that I didn’t know about the cast and characters.” —Terri Bacow, PhD, a therapist based in New York City

19. Dear Therapists with Lori Gottlieb and Guy Winch

“This is hosted by two therapists and advice columnists who do real therapy sessions with people in each episode. It covers a lot of experiences in the relationship space and really makes mental health relatable. I find that folks who are able to translate some of these heavy psychological concepts into everyday experiences are the ones that people gravitate to and are really finding help in.” —Akua Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

20. Hey Riddle Riddle

“This is probably my most listened-to podcast—I must have listened to the whole show a dozen times or more. It has never, ever failed to bring a smile to my face, if not make me actually laugh out loud. Starring three improv comedians who met on the Chicago comedy scene, HRR presents itself as the hosts attempting to solve riddles, puzzles, and lateral thinking problems—and they do some of that. But there’s also a lot of hilarity—jokes, bits, impressions, scenes. And the hosts aren’t afraid to talk about their own lives and struggles either. No matter how bad things have been or how down I feel, I can always put on an episode, smile, and get a little reminder that other people are going through the same things as me, and that it’s OK to laugh. I put it on to escape, to relax, to pick myself up—and I always feel better afterwards.” —Stephen E., 43

21. Astrology of the Week Ahead with Chani Nicholas 

“This podcast is a short and sweet forecast for the week where Chani explains what’s happening in the sky and how it might impact you on a personal or collective level. I’ve started making it a weekly ritual to listen to this while I shower and get ready every Monday morning, which is a great little self-care moment and soothing pep-talk before diving into my week.” —Casey Gueren, VP, Head of Content at Wondermind

22. We Can Do Hard Things

“Writer Glennon Doyle’s empowering podcast is a celebration of vulnerability and resilience. Through heartfelt conversations with guests ranging from celebrities to everyday heroes, Doyle inspires listeners to embrace their challenges and pursue their authentic selves. The warmth and authenticity of the discussions create a comforting space for self-exploration and personal growth. Listening to this podcast feels like an uplifting hug for the soul.” —Anna Yusim, MD, a psychiatrist, executive coach, and clinical assistant professor at Yale Medical School

23. The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

“The Happiness Lab first caught my attention thanks to Dr. Santos’ course The Science of Well-Being, which went viral during her time at Yale University and is now freely available online. The Happiness Lab offers evidence-based strategies and practical advice designed to enhance happiness in everyday life. While not every tip may resonate with everyone—it’s a journey to discover what works for you—the process is rewarding and often enjoyable. Personally, I’ve gained a profound perspective about the mysteries of the mind from this podcast, and I’ve become a lot more receptive to trying new tools to generate more joy in my daily life.” —Hope H., 34

24. Hidden Brain

“Science journalist Shankar Vedantam will talk to researchers in psychology or neuroscience or whatnot, and have them tell the story that their research tells. Rather than carving it into little soundbites saying ‘This is bad’ and ‘That’s good,’ he lets his guests explain the fascinating nuances and subtleties in the research. So it’s really science-driven—it’s not pop psychology. But it’s also very accessible, and he comes to concrete conclusions that you can take away for everyday life. Vedantam carries the conversation along beautifully, and his voice is very soothing. I love listening to this on long drives, on flights, and on the treadmill. The hour goes quickly for me.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

25. Tarot for the Wild Soul with Lindsay Mack 

“This podcast is basically Tarot 101 for people interested in that practice, but the host Lindsay Mack also does a month ahead episode, called Monthly Medicine, for the listeners. It’s kind of like a horoscope reading for the month—but with tarot cards. In these episodes, she sums up the vibes of the upcoming month. She also pulls cards for advice on how to mentally and emotionally handle all that. She’s not a therapist, but listening to her very soothing voice and practical guidance is a treat I always look forward to. It feels like a soothing little pep talk full of helpful reminders.” —Ashley Oerman, Deputy Editor at Wondermind 

The post 25 Podcasts That Feel Like Self-Care appeared first on Wondermind.