Q&A Link Copied 02.28.25

Selma Blair Thought It Might Be Depression—Not MS

“If you’re exhausted enough, it all feels depressing.” ByCasey Gueren

For many of us, it might seem like Selma Blair’s journey with multiple sclerosis (MS) started in 2018, when she shared news of her diagnosis on Instagram. In reality, it started decades before that. Even before she was a teenager, Blair was going to specialists and searching for answers. By the time she was regularly gracing our screens in cult classics like Cruel Intentions, Legally Blonde, and The Sweetest Thing, Blair had been battling symptoms on and off for years. 

After giving birth to her son in 2011, Blair’s search for the cause of her debilitating fatigue continued. “No one knew. I just needed an MRI to give some clarity,” Blair tells Wondermind. “I do urge that to people now: Ask for what you deserve. If that is available and that is something that can be a diagnostic tool for longtime neurological issues, then by all means speak up for yourself.” 

In the years since her diagnosis, Blair has become a powerful advocate for disability rights, chronic illness awareness, and taking care of yourself. But when it comes to extending that same grace and compassion to herself—well, she tells us that’s still a work in progress. 

Here, we spoke with Blair about being dismissed by doctors, how motherhood changed everything for her, and the power of community.   

Wondermind: How are you feeling today, really? 

Selma Blair: I’m doing really well today. It’s rainy, which is of course wonderful after such parched lands, and also terrifying for all the people that will have mudslides. That’s an ongoing theme in life: the good with the bad. But I’m doing really well. I’ve already done school drop off, had a business meeting, got in the bath, so now I’m doing really well. I’m finally focused—after a bath and 10 hours awake. It takes a while.

WM: Sometimes your mind and body need that momentum. That’s what we wanted to talk to you about today: how your physical health impacts your mental health—and vice versa. 

SB: This is totally my wheelhouse as I am someone that is chronically fatigued. I’m doing really well, but I think for anyone who’s had chronic illness or setbacks in life or anything, you are saddled with something. Mine is mostly fatigue and it’s been that way my whole life. 

Think of a baby when you put them down because they need a nap. Everyone’s like, “Ooh, cranky, tired.” And that’s how I feel now as a grownup. I wish someone would just put me down for naptime. They’re essential, I get them in as much as I can. But that is something I’m always kind of battling: how to get past that feeling of wanting to get back in bed so that you can be as productive as you can be and take care of your health. So it is all about those little things for me—having a ritual and telling myself I matter. 

I was always tired, that was a huge part of all my symptoms growing up. For anyone with MS or a chronic health issue or autoimmune condition, there’s usually a big sacrifice—other than the ones that seem obvious. And for me it was fatigue. So I was always on a healing journey before diagnosis. Always cleanses, exercise, getting really fit. And now I have to just build my stamina. 

As much as I advocate for taking care of yourself—and there are times when you really need the time off, you have to find a support system, and you have to do it to get better—you got to keep going. So I fit it in. I make sure I wake up early. I make sure that I go through all those things before the kid sees me. Because that was a really hard part of being a mom: not letting them see you sweat so much so they felt safe. And you’re freaking out in life! That was a part I really had to learn to adapt to, especially with not feeling well. 

But diagnosis really helped for my own knowledge that it was real. Some validity so that I could get my footing.

WM: You lived with symptoms for so long before getting that diagnosis. Did you feel dismissed by doctors during that time? 

SB: Yes, I was dismissed by so many doctors. And this wasn’t just a grownup or she-became-an-actress thing, like, It’s hard to read, they’re so dramatic. This was since I was little. And I have no idea if it really is a girl thing, although I know that is a statistic that seems to be true—that maybe you’re not taken as seriously or maybe most of the men are doctors (at that time especially) so there wasn’t a real understanding of the dynamics that a woman can go through, and that not everything goes under menstruation or depression or emotional things. So I was definitely swimming upstream there against the currents. 

I did see the best doctors and I did visit universities even as a 12-year-old, because it was already flaring up. The MS was already in me then and active, but then it would remit. I have Relapsing-Remitting MS, so it would remit and I’m basically a healthy person. So then you’re confused. But the fatigue was constant. By college, it was hard to stay awake. Even during field hockey practices, I’d try to run and every day the coach was like, “Do you not eat? Why do you have no energy? What’s happening?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. What’s happening with these people? How do they do it?” I just could not get it.

That was actually the thing that really took me out of work. After coming back from Hellboy II, I was on top of the world, and then during Kath & Kim, I got very sick with MS and I lost my hair and my autoimmune was crazy. And I was keeping it in, and that stress was huge.

When I got pregnant, I went into remission and I was like, Oh my God, my child’s hormones are making me feel great. That’s what I needed the whole time. Maybe I won’t be depressed anymore. I really just believed that I was solely, hugely depressed. I was medicated as a child. I was self-medicating with drinking. And so I had kind of lost touch with what my reality really was. And then when I felt great in pregnancy, and of course not drinking or anything, I felt incredible. So I didn’t know what it was. I had no idea that MS can go away when you’re pregnant. And I didn’t know I had MS. 

When I gave birth, I was like a month past my due date, so it was forced and it was painful and it was 37 hours of induced labor. Needless to say, I was exhausted. And MS hit as soon as I gave birth, and then it was just dismissed over and over as, “You’re an exhausted single mom. That’s what the pain is. All women have loosening of their ligaments and then it stretches back. So of course you’re stiff and tight.” But it was brutal. And I’m trying every healing modality. 

It was ultimately falling asleep in the doctor’s office that made the diagnosis actually finally happen. I literally just fell asleep and [the doctor] is like, “Wait, that’s weird.” And he got me up and was like, “Does she always do that?” And my boyfriend at the time was like, “Yeah, she thinks maybe it’s the depression meds. She’s really been struggling with this for years nonstop.” 

It was amazing to be seen for the first time. Because I didn’t know the language. I didn’t know this isn’t normal. Extreme fatigue is not normal. Fatigue you cannot get out of is not normal.  

But it did make me distrust myself, especially when you hear it enough and from doctors you really like and that really do want to help you. No one was just saying, “Oh, you’re totally insane. Go swim in a lake.” It was, “You’re obviously under a lot of distress. You’re depressed. You’re crying all the time and waking up laughing because you’re just under so much pressure.” It was such a relief to be diagnosed, and then you start the journey all over again of what will be your path. 

WM: And there’s so much stigma at play in those conversations too.  

SB: It was already bad enough that it was like, “Oh my God, you’re an emotional rollercoaster of a person. You’re so sad.” You just really do believe it and you feel guilty. I felt shame, like I can’t get past this for this life? I have a child I want to be a mother for. I want to learn to partner with his dad better. I want to get in shape. I need to work. I mean, it’s all very overwhelming—and very relatable, I think.

WM: Absolutely. When you think back to that time, how was your physical health affecting how you showed up in your work or family life? 

SB: For so many years I retreated, because by evening I would feel so awful. In the younger years when I could go out and maybe have a few cocktails—and then go home and sadly probably binge—there was maybe a forced energy I could have. You get a little alcohol, there’s a little sugar, you know, there’s things you can do to kind of numb the discomfort, physically at least. And it really did numb my discomfort, so I got by better. But then when that was obviously not going to work as something that could fit in my life productively or emotionally in any positive way, then you’re like…I don’t know how to do it. 

So nighttime would come around and it was just brutal. And people get angry. When you bow out enough, you’re a flake. So then your world gets smaller and smaller. It’s very common to then feel isolated because you just don’t feel good enough. But yet you don’t have any validity and it’s not obvious, it’s more an inner thing. So it can be really tricky emotionally to not feel lazy.  

It can be lonely and it takes time, but I keep just taking care of myself. And my relationship with my son is ever growing. So thank goodness that I have such a substantial relationship that I value so highly to keep my wish for success and health and emotions in check.

WM: It sounds like that relationship is one of the things that shifted your perspective on your health. 

SB: Yeah, and hearing other people’s stories. Hearing my own son’s experience and how it’s very different from mine as a child. You see, wow, there’s all types! He might’ve come from me, but he’s not depressed at all. And I don’t know if I was ever depressed or if it was exhaustion. I really don’t know. Sometimes they feel one and the same. If you’re exhausted enough, it all feels depressing. 

There’s a new thing I’m doing with Express4MS, and that’s why I love that campaign. People can go on and hear from each other and talk and vent and tell your story safely. 

WM: That must be so validating, and also a good reminder that your diagnosis doesn’t define you. 

SB: It’s a part of you. And it may be a huge part of you to have a diagnosis. And you do have to live your life around some things—at least for a while, or maybe always, depends what your situation is. But it still is never going to be all of you. It is a part of you and there’s so much more to us. 

And that applies for big diagnoses and people of all sorts, of course. But it’s a very important rule to live by. There’s so much more to people than one big diagnosis or one point of view or one anything.

WM: You’re such a powerful advocate in this space. What are some things you’re still learning about taking care of yourself? 

SB: I was so reluctant to think I actually had something really wrong with me. And thank God it wasn’t a bigger thing wrong with me. I’m still here and I found options, so I do feel a real personal obligation to keep saying: Don’t give up. 

But even as much of an advocate as I am, I had no idea it was going to keep changing. Even though I was the biggest advocate for MRIs, [at one point] I didn’t go get MRIs. I was in denial. Then finally I was encouraged—you’re still not right. It even happens to the advocates! 

WM: What part of your mental health still feels like a work in progress? 

SB: Changing the language in my head. I’m 52, but I’ve had a good 48 years probably of a lot of shit-talking to myself. And that takes time to undo. I mean, I really wish it could be overnight, and in huge ways my own attitude adjustments were overnight, but I still don’t know the vocabulary of someone that knows how to be patient and knows that they matter, so that you can take care of your tribe. So that you can have a tribe that’s worth having. 

Because if you’re not treating yourself with respect, it’s not going to extend. I give that courtesy to my friends and people in my life to always change and get better. And I am learning to do it for myself in all ways, but it’s always a work in progress.  

WM: How did motherhood change your relationship with your health and your mind? 

SB: Motherhood? It was wild. Being a mom and not yet diagnosed and feeling horrible for his first five or six years is still something I’m recovering from emotionally, because I still have that guilt of just feeling miserable. But I did have the wherewithal in those moments to be grateful. 

It is very life-changing to give yourself grace. Those glacial years with my son, when my eyes were burning out of my head and I was praying for nap time and wondering, What am I going to do? I think I did recognize, Thank you God for a healthy child. Thank you God for giving me this healthy child to want to live for, because I feel like I want to die. 

And when I was home from work and feeling the fear and sadness of not being able to work and earn money, I was like, Oh my God, what a blessing I’m home with my child. I can remember these years and I can realize I spent every waking second doing the best I could. 

WM: What an amazing mindset shift. 

SB: Mindset is everything. I’ve always been someone that’s had to fall a little deep to bounce off the bottom. And that’s how it is with your emotional and health journey sometimes. But you hope you don’t go too far to the bottom, and that there’s going to be someone—you know, the hand of God—that reaches down. I have been very lucky that I’ve stayed the course and I have had those saviors as well. 

Also, the kindness of strangers—people on Instagram. I feel a real connection with people and a real need to give back because they kind of saved my life—this core team of strangers from Instagram that I’m actually friends with now saved my life when I was first having real challenges many years ago. 

I had a small but loyal fan base who was there when I came up against a wall and had public humiliation years ago with an instance that forced me to get sober again. The shame of that is intense and thank God there wasn’t a horrible thing that came out of it. 

But I also want to tell people—because I know people get in desperate situations out there and I can relate—I don’t want them to give up. Just because you make a choice does not mean you have to make a next set of horrible choices to ruin your life, or your child or the people that care about you. You can get to the other side. And if you break down again, you can still get to the other side. You have to keep trying to get to the other side of the road that’s safer and better for everyone. 

That was huge that people supported me in that time, because I didn’t want to give myself grace. The support that I had from people on IG that could relate or could understand or had a relative that had been in that situation, that got me through. Because you think the whole world hates you if you hear 10 loud voices. And that can really get to a sensitive person. And it’s such a cause of suicide in people, this bullying that can happen if you make a mistake. I credit the human compassion that six young people and two people my age gave to me and are still my core fans and friends off of IG now. It really was a huge gift.

WM: Looking back on those harder times in your life, is there anything you wish you could go back and say to your younger self? 

SB: There always is. There have even been healers in the past that have said, “You have to make a shrine to yourself.” Ew, gross. And then I did. I put a childhood picture and a grownup picture and just some pretty simple things. It’s just a little meditation bench. And when I really had trouble with forgiving myself or for wanting more for myself, I had to look at that little girl that was terrified and didn’t feel well but was also a really loving person with a great imagination and stories in her, and I have to give some respect. You know, better late than never. 

So that was a good idea for me. I’m not someone that does do a lot of shrines, but I do have a little meditation shrine. And I don’t always have a picture of myself on it, but there were a good five years where little baby Selma was up there, and I was like, Let me know you! I’m sorry! I’ve got to forgive that. It’s OK. I’m with you now. And it’s so cheesy to some people, but it also can be really effective.

WM: Definitely. That’s a tip we’ve heard from therapists about countering negative self-talk too. 

SB: Yeah, because the negative self-talk is hard to go away unless you forgive. You might not legitimately have something to forgive. It could be something you built up, but you still have to forgive. And that’s one of the best things I’ve ever gotten from spiritual teachings that I dabbled in. I had to take literal night courses on forgiveness. It’s vulnerable and you have to get in front of people and forgive all these angry feelings, and that’s a work in progress. 

WM: What advice would you give someone who is struggling with their physical and mental health or facing a new health diagnosis? 

SB: The honest and simple advice—even though it sounds vague, but it kind of covers everything—is: This too shall pass. I mean, everything does. Even the most excruciating moments, they will pass, just like the most incredible ones will. So enjoy it, seize the day. 

Also, you’ve got to have grit. I had to find someone I loved more than I hated myself, and that was my son. And he came just in time, because right when he came, the shit hit the fan with the way I felt emotionally and physically, and thank God he was there. Thank God my dog—my beloved soul dog—died when I was pregnant, or else I would’ve drank myself to death. You’ve got to look at those as huge signposts. Don’t stop reading the signposts. 

Each day, pick one good thing to do for someone else and one thing that makes you feel good. Do that. Really simple. No matter how small it is, whether it’s lighting a candle and just saying, “Ahh, breathe in, you deserve it.” It could be that small. Or just saying, “No, this too shall pass,” if you have energy for nothing else.

WM: Right, because everything is temporary. 

SB: Even life! And that’s the curse and the blessing of all of this. But that is something we are all in together, that I can say for sure. The one thing we all share is that we’re all living and we’re all dying. And that somehow puts things in balance sometimes and causes me to have a little more patience when I lose it.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Selma Blair Thought It Might Be Depression—Not MS appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 01.22.25

Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No

“When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor's cousin’s little sister's birthday party." ByCasey Gueren

When you stop to consider her incredible career—spanning several decades and creative mediums—it’s hard to imagine Kristin Chenoweth ever sitting down, let alone resting. And she’s the first to admit that it’s something she’s struggled with over the years. 

“I’m an adrenaline junkie,” Chenoweth tells Wondermind, in the calm and grounded tone of someone who has clearly done some self-reflection on the matter. “I do best under pressure—that’s where I really shine. That’s probably why I like a live audience and performing live best.” 

Whether you know Chenoweth from her iconic stage performances, countless film and TV roles, singing, writing, or hilarious cooking videos on social media, there’s a very strong chance you’ve been inspired by her work at least once (and probably much more than that). As the original Glinda in Wicked, Chenoweth is Broadway royalty, and she’s gearing up for a return to the stage this year in the new musical Queen of Versailles. 

But despite her seemingly nonstop career, Chenoweth says she’s been prioritizing self-care more and more lately. It’s a habit that’s become even more crucial after what she describes as “crashing and burning” two years ago, thanks to her packed schedule. 

Here, Chenoweth shares how her outlook on mental health and rest changed over the course of her career, how she prepared emotionally and physically to revisit Wicked more than 20 years later, and the advice she wishes she could give her younger self.  

WM: How are you today, really? 

Kristin Chenoweth: Well, today we’re watching California burn. I was a resident of California for 24 years, and some of my friends have lost their homes. So how I’m feeling today is grateful. I’m in a prayerful mood because that’s what I tend to do when things like this happen. 

WM: You’re someone who has been so outspoken about mental health—in interviews, a Super Bowl commercial, and your last book. Were you always this comfortable talking about mental health? 

KC: I never felt really safe talking about depression. Because, remember, my era was: Suck it up, buttercup. Pull up your big girl panties. Leave the tears on the pillow when you’re by yourself. And I grew up very much doing that. I think that fed into a problem with perfectionism and an eating disorder and depression. Just the perfect little storm of your average nightmare is me. 

There’s a misconception about me that everything’s perfect and rainbows and pink. And you know what? I am overall happy, but I do battle—just like millions of people in the world—with depression. And nobody wants to hear my problems because I have a good life, right? A lot of people don’t understand what’s going on behind the scenes. 

The truth is, this generation is allowing me to say: You don’t have to suck it up, buttercup. You don’t have to save your tears for when you’re by yourself. It’s OK to be sad. A lot of people go through it. You’re not alone. All of these things have really helped me the past several years since our world has been in upheaval. And so I’m grateful for what I’m learning from the younger generation. 

WM: Has your perspective on rest also changed over the course of your career?

KC: Being from the South, there was often a feeling of: You rest when you deserve it. You have downtime once you’ve done your work. If you don’t get your work done, there is no downtime. Rest has almost been equated with laziness. What I’ve come to really understand is, it’s just like they say on the plane: You’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on first. And for years, I put everybody else’s oxygen mask on. 

I’ve been working so hard for so long because I don’t just do one thing—I’m blessed enough to be able to sing and act and be a host and make records and do Broadway and write. And I love this. But because I don’t just do one thing, I have a lot to get done and a lot of people to pay, and I take that responsibility very seriously. And then who suffers is me. 

What happened is I crashed and burned, had two seizures, and ended up in the hospital—literally from my schedule. There were a couple of other problems, but really the schedule was the big thing. When left to my own devices, I will come over to your house and sing for your next door neighbor’s cousin’s little sister’s birthday party, because I love people. But what happens is when you start giving so much of yourself out, you’ve got nothing left. And this is, I’m sure, a very common theme that comes up here. 

I’m still retraining my brain to know that I deserve to sit on my couch today with no makeup and hair and a T-shirt with no pants, and watch the news and take a beat and feel what I need to feel. I’m very empathic—like a lot of artists are—and as I’m watching the fires lately, I’m just devastated. So I’m going to do that, and it’s OK. Rest is OK. Getting a massage isn’t just a reward after you’ve done amazing things—the massage should be along the way because I have a bad neck and a bad knee. 

These are things you’ve got to do to take care of yourself, Kristin. If you don’t, you will give yourself seizures and end up in a place where you have to take three months off where nobody gets paid and you’re just resting and dealing with your own crap. So I’d like to not get there again. And since that time, I’ve been working very diligently with some tools that have helped me figure that out.

WM: Speaking of lessons learned over the last few decades, what was it like revisiting Wicked after all this time in a completely new way? How did you prepare emotionally and physically to be involved in this production and press tour? 

KC: It was amazing. I’m a part of something in my career that lasts, and not a lot of artists can say that. I’m grateful to have something attached to my name forever. And my girl [Ariana Grande] is playing the part I created, and I wanted that. And my other girl [Cynthia Erivo] is playing the other most amazing part. And then me and Idina [Menzel] are watching this go on and we’re holding each other’s hands. 

That all being said, it’s very layered for me. I’m so happy with how it is. But the very real, honest truth is: Oh my gosh, I hope they remember us. That’s a very vulnerable thing to say. Because I’m human. But at the same time, I’m evolved enough to know that part of the fun of having been here a minute is getting to watch somebody who admires and loves you want to make you proud. Just like I did in the past with people I’ve looked up to—Carol Burnett, Sandi Patty, Julie Andrews, Dolly Parton.

When you’re putting a new Broadway show together, not everything’s fun. It’s a lot of pressure. It’s very creative. It can be wonky. You’re trying things out in front of the audience that’s not buying it, and then you’ve got to change it and try something else. It was stressful. But because of the work that we all did, now they have this movie, and I’m so very proud of it. 

Some people asked, “Does it feel weird to you that you’re not the part [of Glinda]?” And I said, “I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t play that part again, so it doesn’t make me sad that I’m not playing it.” Very frankly, I thought it was a lovely gesture that they reached out to Idina and I and had us in it.  

WM: What are some tools that you lean on to help you during a particularly busy season like the one you just had? 

KC: This fall was a warning sign to me. I was getting back into some old habits that I want to avoid so I don’t have to stop for three months. One of the things I learned is that, while I’m a big prayer person, meditation is a different skill. So I do my prayer and I also do meditation, which really helps me. That’s actually a really big one. 

Obviously I’m a person that does therapy—I’m a big believer in that. As a Christian woman, you grow up hearing the only therapist you need is God. And the way I view it now is: God made these people interested in people like me to help me with my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and getting through life with the way it is. And so, yeah, He is my best friend, but therapy helps. 

I have a core group of people that are my people that understand and love me no matter what, and I rely on them. I have a very real relationship with my mom and dad. We don’t mince words. We talk for real. And that’s helpful. 

And I always go back to the music. I tell people all the time who suffer with depression or bipolar or personality stuff or just all of it: Go back to the thing that you love—whether you get paid a lot of money to do it or zero money to do it. For me, that’s music.

WM: If you could wave a wand and speak with your younger self, what advice would you give her? 

KC: Oh, there’s so many. But the main one that sticks out is that, in my job, I’ve been injured pretty severely a couple times, and rushing back to work has caused me more pain. 

[I wish I could go back and tell myself]: “A set piece nearly killed you, don’t worry about going into work with your face rearranged. You have cracked ribs, you have broken teeth, you have a skull fracture.” 

I didn’t want anyone to see fear and I didn’t want anyone to think that I wasn’t going to be on top of my game. And that’s happened a couple times throughout my career with Broadway, dancing, being on set. I’ve had some injury and it has caused me a lot of pain. I wish I could have just said: “I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m going to heal properly first.” 

WM: What advice would you give to people who are struggling to slow down and take time for themselves? 

KC: Something I’m working on now and is a constant work in progress is this: Be OK with saying no. That can mean saying no to a visit to your friend’s house at five o’clock because you don’t want to do the traffic and you’re tired, you’ve had a long day. It can be: I don’t want to take this movie because I need to be with my parents who are elderly and I need to help them move. Don’t be afraid to say no. 

I would also say find your higher power. It doesn’t have to be God. That’s just what works for me. Find your higher power and lean into it, because the only thing we can take with us is our spirit. That’s what we came on this Earth with: our spirit. 

Take care of yourself first. It’s not selfish, because then you can be the best version of you for all the people that you know and love that you want to be there for. Easier said than done, though.

And I will leave you with this one thing: For me, rescuing an animal has been the best thing. I’m looking at her now. I’m a very scared flyer and I have to fly two or three times a week. My dog knows I’m scared and knows I can have seizures sometimes and is with me. My dog can look at me and be like, I got you. When I had my first seizure at home, she would not leave my side. I would encourage, if people are in a place where they can adopt a pet, it could be—if they are prepared—one of the best decisions they’ve ever made.   

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Kristin Chenoweth Is Working On Saying No appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.16.25

35 Very Good Responses for When You’re Not Actually OK

How *am* I?! ByCasey Gueren Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

You probably get asked, “How’s it going?” several times a day—while grabbing coffee, exchanging pleasantries in a meeting, bumping into your neighbor at the grocery store. And your response is likely pretty reflexive, saying, “Good! How about you?” even if you are, in fact, not good. Who could blame you though? We don’t always have time to get into it, or we don’t want to burden the barista with our shit. I mean, how do  you answer, “How are you?” when you’re not OK?

As awkward as it might seem, sometimes the best answer is an honest one, says therapist Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, author of The Origins of You. Being real helps you feel seen and invites others to be vulnerable too, she explains. That can foster a connection that you wouldn’t have made otherwise.

We’re not saying you have to pour out your life story every time someone asks how you’re doing. But slapping a filter on your emotions so they’re more palatable won’t necessarily make you or the other person feel any better. “There is something reparative that happens when we have another human being hear us, hold us emotionally, and validate what’s going on in our lives,” says Pharaon. Yep, even if it’s your neighbor in the cereal aisle. 

But it’s normal for this to feel weird and uncomfortable. There’s a lot of societal pressure to be easygoing and likable, explains Pharaon. We think those are the qualities that make people want to spend time with us, she adds. So being truthful about your existential dread might make you feel susceptible to people judging or avoiding you.

While the urge to sidestep vulnerability is real (and sometimes super necessary), ditching the filter might help you and everyone else feel more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. That said, you ultimately get to decide how honest you want to be and how much you want to say, notes Pharaon.

How to Answer, “How Are You?” When You’re Not OK

If you’re down to get more honest, we broke down some solid ways to respond to, “How are you?” when you are not  well. Depending on the scenario, you’ve got tons of options for sharing your truth in a way that feels good.

If you want to keep it light-hearted 

1. I feel like I’m trying to survive the Hunger Games.

2. The human equivalent of the “this is fine” meme. 

3. Like my intrusive thoughts are having a rave. 

4. One minor inconvenience away from crying in public. 

5. Just ordered ice cream and tissues (and nothing else) on Postmates.

6. The emotional equivalent of that tangled mess of headphones and trash at the bottom of your tote bag.  

7. Panicking at the disco and also everywhere else. 

8. Like Mercury has been in retrograde for the last 38 months. 

9. In desperate need of puppies, cheese, or a six-hour nap. Or all three.  

10. Not great, Bob! 

11. They don’t have an emoji for me lying on my kitchen floor, blankly staring at the ceiling, but…picture that. 

12. Just waiting for that spin class to kick in and cure my anxiety. 

13. My emotional-support water bottle is all I have right now.

If you aren’t sure what you’re feeling

14. I’m kind of all over the place. 

15. IDK what’s going on with me, but I’m having a hard time. 

16. I’m still processing what I’m feeling. 

17. Pretty meh, but I’m honestly not sure why.

18. I’m still trying to make it make sense. 

19. The vibes are mixed.

20. Having a bit of a menty b.  

21. Currently deciding (with professional help) which DSM-5-TR  criteria best explains my unique constellation of symptoms. 

If you’re ready to get into it

22. Incredibly unchill. Do you have a sec to talk about it? 

23. I’m struggling a little bit. 

24. I could actually use a friend right now. Are you free? 

25. Honestly, not great.

26. Very bad actually.

27. My anxiety has anxiety. Help.

28. Hanging on by a thread and accepting advice.

If you’re not ready to share everything yet

29. LOL…I’ve got a lot to journal about, and we can leave it there for now. 

30. I’m dealing with a lot. I’ll tell you about it later. 

31. Ha! I can’t even go there.

32. Rolling in the deep. What Adele song are you  right now? 

33. I’m not OK. But I will be.

34. I’m having a time. How are you? 

35. Hard pass. Next question?

The post 35 Very Good Responses for When You’re Not Actually OK appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.11.24

12 Things to Keep in Mind When Everything Is Awful

We asked therapists to share their best tips for coping through chaos. ByCasey Gueren

If lately you’ve been feeling like the human equivalent of the “this is fine” meme, you’re not alone. Even the therapists we work with at Wondermind have noticed this common theme coming up in conversations: How do you keep going when the world around you feels like a dumpster fire? Since it doesn’t seem like we’ll be returning to “precedented times” anytime soon, how can we cope with the chaos? 

In case you don’t have your own therapist to pose this question to, we asked 12 mental health professionals to weigh in with any wise words or coping skills that might help. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Prune your panic list. 

“When you’re feeling overwhelmed it can be helpful to ask if you will still care about this issue in two days, two months, or two years. This can help you realize which problems aren’t really problems at all and prioritize the rest. If it’s still something you’ll care about in two years then start there and deprioritize everything else.” —Alo Johnston, LMFT, author of Am I Trans Enough?

2. Give yourself a good shake. 

“When chaos surrounds you, take a moment to pause, find a space, and shake it out. Start by shaking your hands, arms, legs, or even your entire body—just like you’re shaking off water. After about a minute, stop and tune in to how your body feels. This simple yet powerful technique helps release pent-up nervous energy while activating your body’s natural relaxation response.” —Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, board-certified psychiatrist 

3. Acknowledge what’s out of your control. 

“Just like we couldn’t control the pandemic, we can’t control the news and world around us. And if we focus on that, we can feel helpless, angry, and even worse. Instead, find things you can control—your reactions, how you show up for your community, your work—and spend your energy and emotions there. Getting things done and feeling effective, even for the smallest things, can help you find hope—and I have seen this outlook work over and over again in my patients and me! I highly recommend you try it!” —Jessi Gold, MD MS, Chief Wellness Officer of the University of Tennessee System and bestselling author of How Do You Feel?

4. Give radical acceptance a go. 

“There are actionable steps you can take to manage the mental load that comes with uncertainty. Practicing radical acceptance is one sure way to cope with stress. It’s giving yourself permission to feel all your emotions without judgment while honoring your circumstances, especially when you can’t change them. Another practice would be to focus on healthy distractions, such as watching a TV show, reading a novel, co-regulating with friends, or engaging in movement to boost your mood. These practices can be used at any moment when you need a pick-me-up.” —Minaa B. LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles and founder of I’m So Mature

5. Make small moves.

 “When everything feels overwhelming, remember: You don’t have to solve everything at once. Focus on just the next smallest step—whether that’s taking a deep breath, getting up for a glass of water, or reaching out to someone you trust. Even small actions can help break the cycle of stress and create space for clarity. Be gentle with yourself—you’re doing the best you can right now, and that’s more than enough.” —Sasha Hamdani, MD, psychiatrist, ADHD specialist, and author of Self-Care for People with ADHD

6. Focus just on your immediate surroundings. 

“I tell my clients that when we’re feeling overwhelmed: It helps to make our world small whenever possible. Shutting down social media, turning off the news, and focusing on small, manageable tasks like doing the dishes, finishing a puzzle, or reading good fiction has a way of reminding us of the small, manageable tasks of life. The things we can actually control right now, when so many of the world’s problems feel out of our control.

Mr. Rogers once said: ‘When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me: Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ It makes sense to feel overwhelmed and stressed, but there are many people out there who are willing to help. Look to friends, family, therapists, religious leaders, public servants, or community organizers who are dedicated to helping others and finding solutions. By asking around a bit you’ll probably find you’re not alone and at least have others struggling alongside you.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, author of Mental Health Journal for Men

7. Lean on your community, your routines, and hope. 

“The first thing I would tell someone is: You’re not alone, and we will get through this together. Community is one of the most powerful forces we have to navigate stress, mental illness, and hopelessness, and it is beautiful to be vulnerable with each other and lean into supporting one another. With the amazing kids and families I work with (many of whom are racially minoritized and LGBTQ+) we have been discussing: What is your community? Or, if you feel as though you’re alone, how do you find a community that uplifts you, resonates with you, and protects you? Who are your supports as we once again navigate these uncertain times?”

A few things I’ve been doing personally are limiting my time on social media (especially checking the news), going to yoga, meditating every morning, listening to my favorite K-pop songs as I go for long hour walks to process and reflect, going to weekly therapy, and taking my antidepressant every day. Time and again, I keep reminding myself to come back to hope and the magic I’ve seen in my friends, family, and the kids I work with being themselves. And how each time each of us is a bit more our authentic selves, we change the world.” —Chase T.M. Anderson, MD, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry, Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco

8. Go back to the basics. 

“When the world feels like it’s on fire, I encourage my clients (and myself) to focus on a few things. First, stress and chaos greatly impact our nervous systems. During these times, I encourage clients to find ways to physically and mentally ground with mindfulness and sensory exercises. I also protect time for movement, sleep, and nourishing foods. Second, chaos can make us feel out of control and helpless. This is when I ask clients to focus on tangible actions you can control in your life such as taking a walk, helping a neighbor, volunteering, reading a book, or snuggling with a pet. All of these actions benefit mental health. Finally, humans are designed for connection. During times of major stress, human connection can be a balm to remind us we are not alone, and though change can be slow, engaging with community can create a huge impact on our lives and the world.” —Jenny Tzu-Mei Wang, PhD, clinical psychologist, speaker, and author of Permission to Come Home

9. Remember what you’ve already been through. 

“Think back to times in your life when you have faced adversity (loss of job, financial hardship, illness, a bad breakup, death of a family member or friend, natural disaster, etc.) and remember how you got through it. I often ask my patients to make a list. Remember how depressed and scared you were at the time, remember how difficult it was for you. Then remember how good it felt later, how you survived it. Rely on your past experiences of triumph to draw strength in this experience. Maybe that’s your superpower. You’re much more buoyant than you think.” —John Tsilimparis, MFT, psychotherapist and author of Retrain Your Anxious Brain  

10. Be more intentional about connection and gratitude. 

“Find comfort in common humanity. No, this doesn’t mean accepting that we are all doomed! Instead, normalize that your feelings of overwhelm are valid and widely felt—and in a point of connection with others. Be selective (and intentional) about who you turn to for connection. Before calling a friend, think about the kind of support you’re in need of and whether they are the right person to turn to at that moment.

Also, practice gratitude—with and being the operative word. If we’re not careful with our language, gratitude can actually invalidate our feelings. You may think, I am so stressed, but I have a good job so I can’t complain, which sends the not-so subtle message that you shouldn’t feel a certain way. Instead, swap out the ‘but’ (I am so stressed, and I have a good job) to shift your focus while also validating the very real difficult feelings that show up.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, clinical psychologist and friendship expert

11. Let yourself feel your feelings. 

“When facing existential dread, it could be helpful to first, take a deep breath, and remind yourself of your safe spaces (or however you might name them), both physically and/or emotionally. For example, this could be your community, or a room in your home that feels comfortable and serene. Next, name a few of the emotions you are feeling. Are you feeling hopeless, powerless, anxious, etc.? If you are unsure, try using a feelings wheel or free writing to explore. This could ease some of the mental tension you might be experiencing by helping to expand your window of tolerance, and invite some clarity into what you might possibly want to do about the overwhelm.” —Nina Polyné, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist

12. Finally, give yourself some grace—and some joy. 

“It’s OK to pause and just be. Overwhelm doesn’t mean you’re failing; it’s a signal that you might need to give yourself grace and rest. One thing I encourage my clients to do is focus on what anchors you. Maybe that’s connecting with a loved one, journaling, movement/exercise, sitting in silence with reflection, or even stepping outside to connect with nature. You don’t have to solve everything right now—taking small, intentional steps can help bring you back to being grounded.

I also love to share this thought: ‘It’s OK to hold space for your emotions and still seek moments of joy, however small they may seem.’ In times of chaos, those little joys and mindful moments are not trivial—they are acts of resilience. Greatness starts with the mind.” —Thomas A. Vance, PhD, psychologist and founder of ClearMinds

The post 12 Things to Keep in Mind When Everything Is Awful appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 03.06.24

Solomon Thomas Is Talking About His Feelings in the Locker Room

The NFL defensive lineman knows how important—and how brave—it is to be vulnerable. ByCasey Gueren

Solomon Thomas was about seven weeks into the NFL season last year when he started making sourdough bread. “I wasn’t playing well, I wasn’t feeling good mentally. And I was like, I need to do something. I need to break the routine of going home and just thinking about football.” Pretty soon he was making a few loaves a week for his teammates, and some of the other New York Jets players got in on the action too. “I know it doesn’t sound like a mental health thing, but it was so therapeutic for me to have a hobby outside of football to go home to.” 

Baking bread is hardly the only tool in Thomas’s mental fitness toolkit. The defensive lineman tells Wondermind his mental health routine involves therapy, meditation, journaling, exercising, getting outside, and plenty of deep conversations with friends. 

Thomas never expected to be a mental health advocate and co-founder of a mental health foundation. Then, six years ago, he lost his sister Ella to suicide, and everything changed. Out of unthinkable heartache, The Defensive Line was born. “Our mission is to end the epidemic of youth suicide, especially for young people of color, by transforming the way we connect and communicate over mental health,” says Thomas, who was recently awarded the 2023 Heisman Humanitarian Award. 

The foundation, which he co-founded with his parents, brings suicide prevention programs into schools, businesses, and collegiate sports programs to better equip anyone in a mentorship role (teachers, coaches, etc.) to spot the warning signs, respond in a crisis, and create a safe space to share what’s going on. “When I was growing up in school, by the time I got home, I wasn’t going to talk to [my parents] about my feelings. The people who were going to see my changes in behavior were my teachers, my coaches. And it’s the same thing at work,” says Thomas. “Just trying to train everyone to understand mental health and the warning signs and the questions—I think that’s a huge part of suicide prevention and mental health awareness.” 

Here, Thomas shares more about his mental health journey, how he keeps Ella’s memory alive, and his strategy for getting more guys to talk about their feelings in the locker room. 

WM: How are you, really? 

ST: I am good right now, but at the same time—ever since the season ended on January 8th—I’ve been living in a very anxious state because I’m a free agent this year. So that means in March, I don’t have a team. I don’t technically have a job yet. And so I pack up my place in New Jersey, I put it all in storage, and I go live with my parents as a 28-year-old. I go train at home and I just kind of wait to see what’s next.

And I’m a homebody. Home, for me, is peace. So not having a home right now is hard. I’ve been home probably four to six days in February, and I’ve been traveling on the road doing a lot of things. So today’s been a good day, but definitely each day has been a little bit of a different struggle being in this space of the unknown and not knowing what’s next. And I’m just really excited to figure out where I’m going to be playing next, where I’m going to be living. I am good, but I’m also figuring out this anxious state that I’m looking at.

WM: What are some ways that you deal with that uncertainty? 

ST: I’m really thankful that I’ve been in this work the last few years. Now I have things to rely on to deal with my anxiety and to deal with this state of uncertainty so I’m not stuck in this state of being on edge all day. I can journal. I think it helps me out a lot, helps me stay grounded. I’m a big overthinker, so it gets my thoughts out of my head. 

Also I have more time now that we’re not in season, so I’m meeting with my therapist a lot more. We’re probably meeting one to two times a week, and she’s been amazing and really helping me to just get back in the flow of life and understand, hey, we’re in this state right now, but you can still function in this state and you can still have good days in the state.

And, past that, training is a big part of my job, but it also helps me out mentally a lot when I work out. I love training, I love being in the gym. It’s kind of like a peace for me. But also getting outside, getting a lot of sun. In season, we go through a lot of pain and trauma, so getting my basic vitals in—whether it’s vitamins, going on walks in the sun, listening to certain music—helps me be more calm. 

And then just having these conversations with my friends and talking about it. Last night I called a friend and we had a conversation about, “Hey, we know it’s about to come up. We know it’s about to be stressful and anxious, but I got your back. We can get through it. Good things are coming our way.” It’s positive affirmations we’re telling each other, but also just like, “Hey, we’re not alone. We’ve been through this before together, and we’re going to get through it together again.” 

WM: Can you tell us about your mental health journey? Is this something you’ve always been passionate about? 

ST: I really never thought I would be here. I was always sensitive growing up, very emotional. My parents raised us to know our emotions, to love and to be there for each other, and to communicate these things. But, at the same time, being a young man growing up in a locker room a lot and being in competitive sports, it was something that I never really did. … So mental health was never a big thing for me or something that I really believed in growing up, but it became a huge passion of mine. 

In 2018, I lost my sister to suicide, and my family and I were thrown into this mental health world, and it was just a world we knew nothing about. Ella died by suicide, but people never talked about it. They would talk about Ella dying and Ella not being here, but it was never: “Why isn’t Ella here? What signs did we miss? Did you know this about Ella?” It was just something we didn’t talk about, and it kind of threw me and my family into this very empty world where we felt alone. We felt like we couldn’t talk about it. We felt like people weren’t there for us. People were there for us—we had the most amazing support in the world—but around the subject of mental health, we didn’t feel like people were there for us so we could have that conversation. 

There’s no right way to handle that type of death, but I didn’t handle it correctly. I kind of suppressed my emotions. I was told: Be strong for your parents, give it to God, pray about it and you’ll be fine. In my head, I’m like, OK, people go through this all the time. People lose people. I’m going to be OK. And I kept trying to move on that way. I’d lost loved ones before, but my sister was my person. She was my constant in this world of moving around all the time. She was a person who made me feel like I wasn’t weird. She made me feel normal, and she made me feel validated. And not having her here, it was a new feeling and sensation of being alone and being empty.

So I would suppress these emotions, and then my world just kept getting darker and darker. And it got to a point where the season had started and I had just gotten a concussion and I was alone a lot. You have to sit in a dark room after concussion. And I started getting these deep, dark thoughts—thoughts I never thought I would have before. And I kept judging myself for these thoughts. Then you get in this pattern of not wanting to wake up, not wanting to go to sleep, and I’m stuck in suicidal ideation—not even knowing what that meant at the time—and just in a really hard place. 

One morning before work, my general manager, John Lynch, came up to me and he was like, hey, so we know you’re struggling and we got your back, and if you need help, we got you. At this time, I had been refusing to go to therapy. … I had seen a sports psychologist [when I was at Stanford University] for a little bit. And I went back to her for one session and she asked me that question—she said, “How are you doing, really?” And I just started bawling, crying in the session and talking about Ella and how much I missed her and how much I’m struggling. And at the end of the session, she told me, “Hey, Solomon, you need to get better help than me. I’m not cut out for what you’re going through.” After that, I was like, That’s my sign. Therapy’s not for me. If she can’t handle me, who can? And then, going back to John, that conversation lifted the weight off my shoulders. And after that, I was finally able to get help.

From going to therapy, I learned how to understand my depression, understand my sadness, to talk about it, to put it into words. She taught me how to have coping mechanisms when these things come up. She taught me that it’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel this. You don’t have to feel good right now. You’re not supposed to feel good right now. You’re learning how to live again. 

So my philosophy and my family’s philosophy is: If doing this work, having these talks, putting my vulnerability and my deep dark secrets out there—which is something I never thought I’d be doing—if that saves one life, if that saves one person from going through the pain that Ella went through, or if that saves one family from going through the pain that we go through for missing Ella, it’s all worth it. 

Of course, the one thing I would change about this whole journey is Ella being here. I want her here more than anything. But going through this journey, I’ve learned a new way to live, a new way to connect with people, a new way to see life. And I wouldn’t change that, because we get this one life and I want to feel it, and I want to help people, and I want to be here and make a difference. And I think this is my way, and this has been my calling.

WM: As you mentioned, feelings probably don’t come up in the locker room often. What advice would you give to men who are still apprehensive about discussing their mental health or seeking professional help? 

ST: First of all, I would like to say in the locker room we have started to talk about it! We have a corner in the Jets locker room—it’s an older vet group, guys that know my story—and we’ll talk about therapy. And sometimes the younger guys come around and they’ll start listening. So [we’re doing our best] to change the status quo of locker room talk. 

But, to answer the question, for men, I just try to tell ’em: Hey, there’s no shame in talking about your feelings. There’s no weakness in being vulnerable. There’s no weakness in being sensitive or being able to feel. We always talk about being strong, tough men and being masculine, and we want all those things. If you just go through your day and tell someone you’re fine all day—that’s easy. That’s not strength. But how hard is it for a man to go to someone and tell them how they’re feeling? That is strength, that is real vulnerability. That is real power. So I try to tell guys, if you want to be that strong man, you talk about these things. We have these hard conversations. 

Part of being the man that guys talk about all the time is being the best. And if you want to be your best self, you have to know yourself the best. And the best way that I know how to do that is through therapy. You learn: Why do I like these things? Why do I feel these things? How do I put it into words, how do I talk about these things? You get to know yourself so well. 

Another thing that I tell guys is, from an athlete perspective, when I was going through that dark time in San Francisco after my sister died, I wasn’t playing well. I didn’t really care about playing. I was still giving my all, but things weren’t working out. Then I started going to therapy, started getting help, and my mind cleared up. And when that did, I started playing better. My body was moving faster, more explosive, stronger. If you know anything about the NFL season, it’s really treacherous. It’s really hard. There’s no way you can get bigger, faster, stronger during the season. But by just clearing my mind and clearing my mental health, I was able to do that. 

WM: In the years since your sister’s passing, what have you learned about grief and how to navigate it?  

ST: Grief is such an interesting, weird, and crazy thing. I like to describe it like I have this hole in my heart and it’s never going to go away. My mom always says grief is like a wave. You ride the wave for a little bit, then it crashes again, and then you ride it for a little bit, then it crashes again. You don’t get to control grief. It will come and hit you in phases at any time. You never know what’s going to hit you. 

I carry my sister’s death with me a lot better now, six years later, but there’s days that it hurts like it’s day one all over again. I used to run from these feelings of sadness, depression, anger around her death, the anger of missing her, the guilt around missing her, the guilt around learning what to do later and all this stuff. But I learned when I ran from that, I let Ella actually die, and that killed me. But when I accepted those feelings and I felt them, I was able to connect with her. I was able to see what she went through and learn her journey and learn more about her—even though she’s not even here anymore. And that, to me, was the most powerful thing. I was able to feel her still be here. I was able to keep her spirit alive. 

When I cry, I feel like I’m honoring her. I feel like I’m letting her know, “Hey, I miss you and I want you here.” Or when I’m angry about it, I’m just letting her know, “Hey, I’m just frustrated. You’re not here, but I’m going to keep living for you.” 

I don’t know if I call it a coping mechanism, but accepting these feelings is huge for my grief journey and keeping Ella alive with me. 

WM: What is one aspect of your mental health that still feels like a work in progress? 

ST: I would say consistency, but also I would say self-talk. I’m very proud of how much my self-talk has gotten better, but it’s still a theme in therapy. My therapist reminds me all the time, “Hey, why are you judging yourself right now? Why are you judging 8-year-old Solomon? And I’m like, dang, I really am. I need to be nicer to myself. 

I think it’s something we all do—especially people who are in high-performance and high-competitive lifestyles. We’re very hard on ourselves. I can be hard on myself and push myself, but I can also love myself through it. So working on that and not judging myself is something that I’m definitely working on hard right now.

WM: Speaking of 8-year-old Solomon, what advice do you wish you could go back and give your younger self? 

ST: I think the biggest thing that I should have told my 8-year-old self is to love myself unconditionally. I don’t believe I really loved myself until two years ago. I’ve made this habit: the first thing I write in my journal, no matter what I’m writing, is: I love myself unconditionally. Because I went through such a hard time of judging myself, not loving my appearance, whether it’s body dysmorphia, not liking the way I look, not liking the way I make friends or how I feel alone and weird. 

So just to love myself unconditionally and to be authentically and unapologetically Solomon Thomas, however that comes. There’s one me, and I’m unique and great in my own way, and I should love that about myself. I feel like that would have helped me out a lot when I was younger, whether it was moving around and feeling like I couldn’t make friends or feeling weird and awkward, but also to understand that weirdness and awkwardness that I’m feeling makes me who I am and to love that about myself. 

WM: The NFL has been focusing a lot more on mental health recently. As someone in the mental health advocacy space, what do you think they’re doing right, and what would you like them to do more of? 

ST: I’m very proud of the NFL. Three or four years ago, they put out an NFL initiative where they put more funding into making sure players can get therapy, that their family members can get help, and that there are more resources and clinicians available. I’m very proud of them for that. And also, this past year, they’ve been picking up more of The Defensive Line’s work and other foundations, like Dak Prescott’s foundation, Faith Fight Finish. And for the Super Bowl commercials, there was a big mental health push in those as well. So I’m very thankful for that. But I do think the NFL definitely does need to do a better job in a lot of ways. And the first way I’ll say is educating these coaches and the GMs [general managers] and the guys who are making the decisions.

A lot of us now are getting more in tune with our mental health and accepting it, but a lot of the people who are not OK with it are the people who are supposed to be the mentors, the heads of the building making decisions. And I do feel like that plays a role in decision making or small things throughout the season. And I feel that has guys being reluctant to ask for help or to go to the clinician. And I think that’s a mentality that needs to change. The coaches, GMs, player personnel owners need to be educated a lot more and understand that, hey, we’re human beings. I know this is a business, but also you need to care about us in that aspect too. If I’m the owner, if I’m a GM, if I want my team to be the best, I want them to be the best human beings and people, because, like I said, this mental health/physical health connection makes you the best athlete possible. 

Past that, I don’t think enough is done [for guys after they’re done playing]. The game of football—we all know, it’s no secret—it affects our brain and it affects our brain health. And then that affects our mental health and how we act. There needs to be more education and push for players when they’re done playing to make sure they stay on top of their blood work and vitals to see how their chemistry is changing. There needs to be more funding for guys to get therapy and get these mental health resources after they’re done playing. 

Because when we’re done playing, life’s going to get a lot harder, or we’re going to have identity issues, we’re going to not know what to do. We might have financial issues, physical issues, all these things. And this is when we need the mental health help the most, because we lose way too many players. It’s been really unfortunate. We lose way too many players when they’re done playing to these issues—you could call it whatever you want, you could call at CTE [chronic traumatic encephalopathy], you could call it lifestyle choices, but it all stems down to taking care of your mental health. And it’s a big problem. I’m proud of the league, but there is a long way we need to go, and I’m going to do my best to make sure I help the league in any way I can.

WM: What else would you like to share with our readers who might be going through a hard time right now? 

ST: It may seem super dark, but there is a small light of hope in the dark storm you’re going through. And I would say to hold onto that light, to love yourself through it, to know that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you’re feeling. Honor your feelings, honor your emotions, you’re feeling them for a reason, and you’re not crazy for feeling them. 

Just understand that it’s OK not to be OK. It’s OK to feel the way you’re feeling. You’re not going to feel this forever. Things will get better. You are loved and you’re needed to stay here on this Earth. I always like ending with that, because there are too many people out there who are feeling those things right now and who feel like the only way out is to leave. And we need them to stay, because Earth needs them here.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Solomon Thomas Is Talking About His Feelings in the Locker Room appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 04.14.23

Tay and Taylor Lautner Are Great at Talking About Their Feelings

The couple gets candid about fear, stress, and embracing vulnerability. ByCasey Gueren

If you can believe it, there’s something even more charming about husband and wife Taylor Lautner and Taylor (Tay) Lautner than their shared name. It’s the way they open up about their mental health journeys—to each other, friends, and even sometimes complete strangers like me—with ease, vulnerability and a total lack of ego. 

They’re doing a whole lot of that lately on their new podcast, The Squeeze, where the couple gets emotionally deep with guests like Alyson Stoner and Emmanuel Acho. They’re also getting into the mental health space with a blog (LEMONS by Tay) and a nonprofit (The Lemons Foundation). Who doesn’t love a theme?    

The podcast is proving to be deeply healing for two people who have dealt with significant stress from their careers—Tay, as a nurse on the frontlines of the Covid pandemic, and Taylor, as an actor whose early start in entertainment (not to mention Twilight-mania) led to huge successes and equally huge pressure. 

“It has been very cathartic,” says Taylor. “Honestly, we say it all the time, it’s like free therapy.”

Here, Tay and Taylor share the moments that changed the way they think about mental health and how they got so good at talking about their feelings. 

WM: What emoji best describes your mental health right now? 

Tay: I think mine would be the upside down happy face. 

Taylor: Explain. 

Tay: I shall. Because I’m happy and things are great, but we’re just in a very busy season. So everything is good, everything’s going great, but it’s just stressful. So it’s, “I’m happy, but I’m slightly stressed.”

Taylor: That’s a good one. Mine was the salute one. Why am I feeling that? If the salute emoji was smiling, that would be my emoji. Because yeah, I’m happy. I feel good. But there’s a lot going on right now. It’s not a super stressed out salute, it’s a happy salute. We’re all very blessed.

WM: You’re both so open about your mental health journeys, but when did that start for each of you? When was the first time you remember having to think about your own mental health? 

Tay: I definitely think my own would be while I was working in the hospital as a Covid nurse. That was such a heightened time when no one really knew what to do or how to handle it or how to process it. So when I felt myself kind of just dissociating and removing myself altogether from every aspect of life, I realized that—well, actually, I didn’t even notice it. Taylor actually brought it to my attention. 

He was just kind of like, “Hey, are you OK?” And I was like, “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired.” I was working the night shift and it was just a lot picking up extra shifts because we were short-staffed. And he was like, “No, but are you actually OK?” And I was just like, “Oh, that’s a good question. I don’t know.” And the conversation just ended there. But that was kind of the first time—I’d say that was January of 2021—that I really, truly had to look at myself and be like, OK, we need to start figuring out what’s going on here.

Taylor: I feel like both of our mental health journeys maybe didn’t start at the same time but were addressed near the same time. I think it kind of took each other to feel comfortable enough talking about it and having somebody to talk about it with. I think whatever I deal with—I’m still very much in the mix of it today—but I think it starts from an early age. Starting in the entertainment industry when I was 8 years old and just growing up with that life and everything that comes with it, and not talking about it, not speaking about anything, and just thinking that all that is normal. I think it took finding Tay, along with amazing friends that we have in our lives, to really start diving deep and having honest conversations about why we do certain things.

WM: What’s made the biggest impact on your mental health? 

Tay: Something that I’ve really learned is that I need alone time and I need quiet time. I definitely think that stems from me being an only child, which I recently just discovered. I think I need to be by myself to process things and just to have time to myself. It was just always me by myself growing up. So I’m used to quiet time. I’m used to just sitting in my room doing things by myself. And I’m so fortunate that we do get to spend so much time together, but it’s important for the healthiness of our relationship and for myself that I do take time to be alone—go work from wherever today, go get coffee by myself, go get out of the house, have some alone time for my brain. 

Taylor: For me, I think the biggest thing is just starting to talk about it. I wasn’t purposefully not talking about it, I just never really was introduced to the idea of talking about it. And I think what helps that a lot is finding people—friends, family, a loved one, whatever—that you feel comfortable enough with to be your true, authentic self and trust. And also those people that will hold you accountable, that aren’t just “yes” people. People that will challenge you and they love you enough and care for you enough to hold you to it and challenge you to be a better version of yourself. I think that is probably the biggest difference-maker in my life.

WM: What part of your mental health still feels like a work in progress? 

Tay: I think all of it. We’ve been talking about this a lot on The Squeeze and just personally between us. With healing, I feel like a lot of things come to the surface. … So I think it’s just honestly not wanting to quit, if that makes sense? I mean, luckily we do have a mental health podcast and a nonprofit and a blog so we can’t really do that, because that is my job. But in all seriousness, it’s definitely hard. You gotta rip the Band-Aid off, but then the healing process is that you have to keep healing and open those doors that are scary and learn how to organize them and make them pretty or deal with that.

You get more comfortable talking about things, but it’s still hard some days to bring stuff up. You get more used to it, for sure.

Taylor: During the hard days, during the tough days, it’s not something you’re excited to talk about. And probably the worst thing you can do is keep just shoving it down and down. So yeah, just staying resilient.

WM: You’ve both dealt with significant stress from your careers. How did you learn to cope with that? 

Tay: Specifically talking about my career as a nurse, I think maybe it would be just accepting and learning. I make humor a very big thing. My therapist, I’ll laugh with him, and he is like, “No, what you went through is a big deal.” Because I always end it with, “But it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s OK.” And he’s like, “No, you need to understand and accept that what you went through was hard.” And I don’t like doing that. I like to just brush things under the rug. And he’s like, “You need to fully address this. Understand and know and believe that what you went through is hard and what you’re feeling is valid.” 

Taylor: Yeah. I don’t even know where to start for me, to be honest. I’ve talked on the podcast about body image and how that’s been something for me to work through. So that’s definitely been one of the bigger things. I think another thing is just living up to expectations. When the bar is set so high, by you or by strangers, you can’t help but feel the pressure to live up to those expectations. And a lot of times, those expectations are nearly impossible to reach. And then when you don’t reach them, you feel like a failure. And I think that is definitely something that I have had to deal with. And it really used to get to me, so much so that I would be like, “I’m done. I want to be done. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth my mental health.”

But the problem is I was putting value in a place that it shouldn’t be. And it’s taken a long time, years, to figure out for myself that that doesn’t deserve those expectations, those opinions. That doesn’t deserve my time and my energy and my value. We find value where we put it, and I had to shift where I was putting my value, and now I’m in a much healthier place. But I think that was a huge thing for me. Starting this at such a young age and accomplishing amazing things at such a young age. It’s like, Well, where do I go now from here? And then if you don’t reach that again, I was feeling like I was failing. But it’s like, I’m not failing. I’ve done amazing things in my life, and there’s so much more I can do. But you gotta put the value in the right place, and that’s definitely been a journey for me.

WM: How did you get over that fear around failing or not knowing what comes next? 

Taylor: I definitely lived in fear. I still do, but not nearly as much as I used to. I was living in a ton of fear of: Am I going to do the wrong thing? Am I going to make the wrong choice? Am I going to offend or upset or disappoint people? So living in fear was definitely a huge thing for me personally, and having to shift the way that I thought. 

Fear can really hold you back from some amazing things, or you can use it to drive you. I’ve had multiple things in my life that I was terrified of doing and my instant gut reaction was to be like, “No, I can’t do that. No, I’m going to fail.” And it just terrified me. And I pushed myself, or somebody helped push me to do it, and it ended up being one of the best experiences in my life. And I was like, “Thank goodness I did that. I can’t imagine if I didn’t.” So yeah, fear is a tricky thing for me because it’s about finding that balance to not let it control you and dictate you, but use it in a good way, because fear can be helpful as well.

WM: Tay, how did the fear and stress that you experienced as a nurse impact how you show up for yourself? 

Tay: The nursing field is very much [like] you just go, you just do. Especially during the time of Covid. It was like, “Oh, I can’t go to the bathroom for seven hours. OK. Oh, I haven’t had a break to eat in nine. OK.” Because there was no time.

People’s lives were on the line, and you just go. You don’t look back. You just do it. And I’ve seen that kind of transition into my life at home—just the constant go, go, go. And I have such a hard time sitting. Even when I’m cleaning, I’m like, Oh, I’ll grab this and I’ll move this there, and I’ll do this with that. When I go downstairs, I can only make one trip. Just critical thinking constantly in my brain. Now being removed from that—and even in the hospital when I was still working but Covid slowed down—really just learning to set boundaries was a very big thing for me.

Because I am a “yes” girl. I will tend to everyone’s needs before mine. I’m a 2 on the Enneagram. I am a helper. That is very much me to my core. And I honestly feel like it has taught me to be selfish, for lack of a better term. Just be selfish with my time. Obviously, I say that lightly. But I don’t need to go pick up an extra shift for the third time this week. It’s my day off. I need to rest for myself. And now, being out of the hospital and just putting that into everyday life, [I’m] learning to just be like, “No, I actually need that rest day.”

WM: As a couple who hosts a mental health podcast together, you make it look easy to talk about tricky topics. Have you always been this open with each other about your feelings? 

Tay: I think we’ve definitely both had to learn it. I feel like we’re very fortunate in the sense that we both started our mental health journey at the same time. We both started learning about ourselves and started to open up to each other—not for the first time, but about, “Hey, I think I’m depressed,” or the actual heavy stuff. Obviously we’re best friends and we tell each other everything, but really getting into the thick of our mental health, we kind of got to do together. 

It’s been a blessing, but it also has been hard to not take it personally or [think], Oh, why can’t I make them happier? Or things like that. And just learning: Hey, this journey that Taylor’s on, me loving him more than anything, it has nothing to do with me. It is him on his journey, me on my journey. So that’s been something that we’ve learned together and just how to be there for the other when we need it. Some days I wake up and I’m like, “I’m having one of those days,” and I don’t get out of bed. And Taylor, I think the first time that happened, he was probably like, “What is wrong with you?”

Taylor: Yeah, she’s definitely talking more about me with everything she just said. I feel like I’ve had a harder time understanding that when you’re having one of those days or you’re going through whatever, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. It doesn’t mean I’m failing as a husband. It doesn’t mean that I’m not doing my job to make her feel better. That’s been the hard part about working together with this—or just being married or having a relationship with somebody. 

It took me a bit to be able to cope with the idea that, OK, if she’s sad, I can’t just snap my fingers and make her feel better. I can do a song and dance for you, but it’s not magic. So sometimes it is just important to be there for them. And if she says, “I don’t feel great today.” It’s like, “OK, that’s fine. I’ll pick up the slack and do whatever I can.” And then when she’s feeling better, we’ll move forward with life. But not taking offense or feeling like a failure for not making you feel better definitely was something that was more challenging for me to grasp.

WM: What mental health advice do you wish you could go back and tell your younger self? 

Tay: I would tell myself to just trust myself and truly to be confident in who I am. Because now sitting here today, I’m confident in who I am and I just love the person that I am. And I think I’m chugging along here doing pretty well. So I think I would just tell myself to keep trusting in myself.

Taylor: I’m not one of those, “when you know, you know,” and love-at-first-sight type of people, but it’s kind of true. I just would go back and tell myself, “Go through all the life experiences.” And if we didn’t each have our previous relationships and everything we’ve learned, then we wouldn’t be who we are today with each other. I think that is really important. But I don’t think you should put stress on yourself for, “Why haven’t I met that person, settled down, X, Y, and Z?”

You will know. And it’s going to feel right because you’re going to feel respected and you’re going to feel loved, and it’s a different kind of love and respect. And if you’re not being treated that way, it’s probably not the right time. Just be patient for that, because nothing’s better than it. And yeah, I would just tell myself: Go through all the life experiences, learn everything. Take that with you, and grow. But don’t put pressure on yourself. You don’t know the timing of when you’re supposed to settle down or find the perfect person, but you’ll know. And it’s a great feeling. 

WM: What mental health misconception do you want to put to bed forever? 

Taylor: Getting rid of the weakness idea. Men’s mental health has been something that [Tay is] passionate about. Having not only Tay, but close male friends in my life that I feel totally open and able to be vulnerable with—there’s nothing more impactful than that. And not having anybody make you feel weak for talking about it or feeling sad or whatever. Honestly, if you can do that, it’s strength.

Tay: Yeah, men’s mental health is very big to me because, growing up, I had a lot of people in my life struggle with mental health, whether it be addiction or bipolar disorder. I lost a friend to suicide. And they were all males. And I found myself, somewhat recently, kind of looking at that and being like, What’s that saying? The proof is in the pudding. That is showing that this men’s mental health thing, this is an actual thing. We need to genuinely start talking about it. And it’s been really cool to see Taylor and our close guy friends be vulnerable with each other. It’s so attractive to me when Taylor is like, “Hey, I’m kind of feeling like this.” When he opens up to me, I’m like, “Oh my gosh, this is great.”

Taylor: Oh, she loves nothing more than a dinner date where we just talk about our feelings the whole time.

WM: Any advice for people who are nervous to open up about their mental health with their partner? 

Tay: Taylor makes it easy for me to open up because I feel so safe and respected. And I know that, in saying something, I’m not going to be judged. So I think that has been something that has made it easier. Finding a partner, finding a friend, finding a therapist, someone that loves you unconditionally and you can go to, who isn’t going to judge you for whatever you’re about to say. 

But also, I can guarantee you, whatever you’re about to say sounds worse in your head than it will to the person you’re saying it to. Just find that person. The first time’s going to be hard or rough, or you’re not going to get your thoughts out. Maybe write them down before you go into that conversation. Or you can write it down and give it to them in a letter form. I’ve definitely done that before because I’ve had to learn to use my words. Talking does not come easy to me. Which is funny because, why do I have a podcast? 

Taylor: I think judgment is a huge thing. I believe love is one of the greatest gifts that you can receive and also one of the greatest, if not the greatest, gift you can give. Love is powerful and it’s hard to love with judgment, because we all have our own stuff. Nobody is perfect. And as soon as you accept that and realize that judgment is a dangerous thing—I mean, you want to talk about something that’s bad for your own mental health? Judging others. Constantly judging others is exhausting and horrible for your own mental health. So as soon as we can put love way up here and judgment way, way down here, it’s going to fix a lot of things. 

If you love somebody, if you truly love somebody, then judgment doesn’t really exist because you love who that person is no matter what. It’s been a beautiful thing to experience with Tay and all of our close friends and family. It’s powerful. 

The post Tay and Taylor Lautner Are Great at Talking About Their Feelings appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.18.22

Justin Baldoni Is on a Mission to Redefine Masculinity

“We don't realize that we are the burning building, and it's so much harder to run in and save ourselves.” ByCasey Gueren

If you remember Justin Baldoni as the handsome hotelier Rafael in Jane the Virgin  then you probably wouldn’t guess that insecurity and emotional fitness are two issues that have been top of mind for him. As the leading man behind Man Enough—the book series, podcast, newsletter, and legit movement—Baldoni is filled with insightful gems about what it means to be “a good man,” and why we all deserve to throw a tantrum now and then. 

[This interview originally appeared in a May 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations.] 

WM: What advice would you give to men who are struggling to open up about what they’re dealing with emotionally?

JB: We have to, especially as men, redefine what bravery looks like and what strength looks like, because right now so much of it is tied to physical attributes. We have no problem reaching out to a buddy and saying, “Hey, you wanna get a workout in?” or “I’m out of shape,” or whatever it is. We have no problem jumping in sometimes to maybe physically save somebody—to be the hero. If somebody’s in need, we can jump in because there’s a part of that that we’re conditioned to believe is our mission here: to save a damsel in distress. [We’re taught] that’s bravery: to run into a burning building. 

But emotional bravery is not something that we really discuss as men and we really teach. I would argue that it’s much harder, strangely, to reach out to someone when you are in a depression or when you have anxiety or when you feel like you’re going to lose everything, or if you have problems at work or in your marriage; it’s much harder to reach out to another man and admit defeat, if you will, and that you need help, than it is to run into a burning building and try to save somebody’s life. We don’t realize that we are the burning building, and it’s so much harder to run in and save ourselves. 

WM: You have two young kids, a boy and a girl. What conversations are you having with them around mental health? 

JB: For us, it starts with modeling. Before the kids could even talk, we found it very important to talk to our children like they’re adults and to not hide our feelings or our emotions. My kids have seen me cry so many times, whether I’m happy or whether I’m sad. It’s really important for them that they see their father showing emotions and being in touch with his feelings. 

And then I have to allow them the space to feel. Because what happens with children? They’ll have a full-blown tantrum for a few minutes, and then they’re like, “OK, I’m hungry now. Can I eat?” And they’re fine. Why? Because their body has cleansed themselves, it’s purged all of the trauma they experienced that day. All of those stress hormones have come out and now they’re free, they’re able to move, and they’re happy. That is their body actually saying this is what it needed. 

We, as adults, can learn something from our children. We need to create a space to do that. I have had full out-of-body experiences, tantrums, screaming, crying, yelling over the last two years when I’ve allowed and created a safe space for myself to feel. And then right afterwards, I’m exhausted, but I’m like, Oh, I feel amazing. Now, I can’t do that in my everyday life at my job. But at the end of my day, if a lot of little things have happened to me, a lot of little traumas or a lot of frustration, or if I had a bad day and I don’t allow myself to feel those things, if I don’t get in the gym or if I don’t move my body, if I don’t allow myself to process it and scream, and sometimes even cry, it’ll just get stuck in my body. It’ll build up and eventually I’m gonna explode. And this is what happens to all of us. 

WM: You’ve spoken before about dealing with body dysmorphia. What has been most helpful for you in working through that? 

JB: What’s worked the best for me has just been constant reinforcement that those things that I don’t like about myself, those insecurities that I have with my body, have nothing to do with me. They’re coming from a wounded, younger version of me that was bullied or berated or made fun of for something. 

The thing that’s helped me the most has been honestly looking in the mirror and as uncomfortable or weird or awkward as it sounds, making eye contact with myself and saying, “You’re beautiful. You’re handsome. You’re awesome. Your shoulders are big enough. You don’t need to have bigger shoulders. Having bigger shoulders is not gonna make anybody like you more. Look at all the things your body can do.”

It’s telling myself the things that I will tell my 4-year-old. And then writing them down every morning, training myself to actually believe them. And little by little I’ve started looking in the mirror and being like, “Oh, I actually look pretty good today.” Whereas before that was impossible; I would only see the things that were negative about myself. Don’t get me wrong. I still see the things that I wish I could change, but, if I go deep down, the only reason I want to change those parts of my body is to be accepted, liked, and loved. We have to train our minds and our bodies to see the good in ourselves. 

WM: Your next book, Boys Will Be Human, is aimed at a younger crowd. What advice do you wish you could go back and give to your 12-year-old self? 

JB: I think the most important thing for us men or for young boys—for all of us, really—is to learn how to sit with our feelings and our emotions, to actually be able to process them and understand what they are. if I could tell my younger self something—aside from the fact that I would tell him that he’s enough—I would tell him that your feelings, your sensitivity, your empathy, your emotions that other kids make fun of you for are the very things that make you human and will be your superpowers one day. 

WM: I have to ask a Jane the Virgin question as someone who loved the show and sobbed through the finale. Did playing the role of Rafael influence how you think about masculinity or mental health? 

JB: You know, if anything, I think that my personal journey influenced the role versus the other way around. Man Enough was an idea I started before Jane the Virgin, but Jane the Virgin gave me the platform to be able to make it a reality.

Rafael was such a great character because he was a guy who was just stuck in himself and stuck in the cycle. And for many of us men that have been there, it takes a woman telling us the truth to help us get out of it. And really that was the journey of this guy who had a terrible relationship with women … just had so much trauma in his life, and really at his core was a good man, but didn’t know how to be. And through becoming a father and [being with] Jane and all this, he stumbled and stumbled and eventually found his way. 

But what made Rafael also great was he was a deep-feeling, caring man that wanted to be better than he was. And that’s how I feel about myself. I want to be better than I am. I don’t like the fact that I have negative thoughts about myself. I don’t like the anger that comes up, ‘cause I don’t know where it comes from, but I need to process it to understand so I can be better. I don’t like that I’ll interrupt my wife when she’s talking despite knowing that I shouldn’t. These are the things that have been drilled into me for years for survival that I’m constantly unlearning. And that’s what makes Rafael, I think, an interesting character is that he wanted to figure it out and he was willing to figure it out. And also he cared a lot about his family and he wanted to be a good man. 

I think most of us men want to be good men, we just don’t know where to start. And we think being good men is just being the provider and the protector and being all of those things. But there’s so much more to being a good man than that. Being a good man starts with doing this hard work of heart work, as I say in Man Enough, and really working on emotional fitness and mental fitness so that we can not just become the best husbands and fathers and people for the other people in our lives, but also for ourselves. And I go back to that saying: We all should desire to become safe places—not just for everybody else, but for ourselves. And until we do that, nobody’s gonna be safe. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

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