Stories Link Copied 01.10.23

13 Parents on How They Actually Feel About Having Kids

“Newborns are blobs.” ByBethany Heitman

Maybe you’re considering whether you want to become a parent before you actually do that or perhaps you’re already in the thick of it. Either way, if you’re out here wondering, Will having kids ruin my life or make it infinitely better?   welcome to this safe space. 

You’re not wrong if you feel like Instagram: Baby Edition lies or that every TV series or movie makes parenting look like a thing you’d never want to do on purpose. And that makes it hard to get honest answers as to what raising a small human is actually like. So we’ve gathered here today to explore the emotional gray area that is having a child. 

No matter your situation, hearing different perspectives from parents can help you feel more chill about your own thoughts and feelings on taking care of a bébé. From parents who weren’t sure they wanted kids and are so freakin’ glad they did to people who love their kids but aren’t sure they’d do it over again—these very real takes will give you the full spectrum of feels when it comes to having a kid. 

Do some love that mom-ing or dad-ing has become their entire personality? Yep. Do others get the sense that parenting is a complete drain on their time, energy, and bank statements? Sure. But there’s a lot more in between. Behold: 13 very candid takes on how it feels (mentally, emotionally, and otherwise) to be a parent. 

1. Babies can be boring…until they’re not.

“When my wife and I were dating, she made it clear she wanted kids and it was a deal breaker if I didn’t want them. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I did, but I agreed I’d be willing to have them one day because I loved her. Fast forward, and we had a daughter about a year ago. The first few months, I was worried we made a big mistake. Newborns are blobs. They just sit there and cry. It’s exhausting and a ton of work. But around the 6-month mark, that all changed. Suddenly, this little blob started developing a personality. I have grown to feel so connected and in love with my daughter. I want to be with her all the time and am so glad she’s ours.” —Chris M., 32

2. Surprise! It’s exhausting—like, really exhausting.

“Throughout my childhood, I did a lot of babysitting. As I got older, I spent a lot of time with my friends’ kids. So, I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into when my husband and I had our daughter. I expected to be exhausted and overwhelmed. But even though I knew those things would occur, I was totally unprepared by the velocity of those feelings. I never get to rest. When I am sick, it’s not like I can take a day off—even if I call out of work, I still have to attend to her. If she wakes up early, so do I. The non-stop nature of parenting is something that is impossible to understand until you are in the thick of it. I don’t regret becoming a parent, but I had no idea I’d be bone-tired all day, every day.” —Ann H., 35

3. It can bring buried issues to the surface.

“Becoming a parent put a spotlight on all the areas I need to do work in. For example, when my daughter was a newborn, I felt like I was the only person who could take care of her in the right way. I iced out my partner and barely let him do anything. When I realized what I was doing, it made me look closely at my issues surrounding control. More recently, we started feeding her solids. I have suffered with disordered eating for most of my life but thought I had done the work to get it in check. As I was picking out her first foods, I was dead set against giving her anything sweet. I didn’t want her to develop a sweet tooth. I became really militant about it and realized that was my disordered eating brain rearing its ugly head. Trying to be a good parent has made me realize that I have a lot of work left to do on myself—which has been pretty overwhelming.” —Grace P., 36

4. It sometimes gets better with time.

“The truth is, I was indifferent about having kids. However, it was really important to my partner—so, I agreed. My indifference lasted through the newborn phase. Sure, I loved my son as soon as he was born. But I wasn’t all, ‘I am mother, hear me roar!’ As he grew and started to develop a personality, I became obsessed. Watching this little person grow and figure out the world around him has brought me unspeakable joy. We share a bond that is so pure and real—I am so glad I get to experience being a parent.” —Jane B., 41

5. You may feel like you’re missing out sometimes.

“When I got pregnant unexpectedly in my mid-20s, I debated whether or not to terminate. Ultimately, I decided to move forward with the pregnancy. I knew I wanted to be a mother and, though the timing wasn’t ideal, my boyfriend and I were committed to one another. I don’t regret my daughter at all—but I do often wonder what my life would have looked like if I had waited. I feel like I missed out on being carefree in my 20s.” —Inez G., 32

6. It can be kind of healing.

“I experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood—an alcoholic father, an emotionally abusive mother, you get the picture. I’ve done a lot of therapy to work through issues stemming from the way I was raised. When I had my own child, it both triggered me and healed me in ways that therapy didn’t. I felt such a natural protective urge toward my daughter and it made me sad that I didn’t have parents that felt that toward me. On the flip side, it gave me a chance to give my kid the childhood I didn’t have. Being able to provide the safe, supportive space I never had was like a balm on those emotional wounds.” —Janelle P., 33

7. Being an older parent can be tough.

“I was hyper-focused on my career in my 20s and 30s, so I waited until my early 40s to have a kid. My age meant that it was only possible for me to have one child. I’d have loved to have given my son a sibling, but it just wasn’t in the cards. I’m glad that I was able to focus on my work for so long, but sometimes I regret waiting. As an older mom, I find that I’m more exhausted at the end of the day and have less energy for my kid. I also worry that I won’t be around as long for him as I would have been had I given birth at a younger age.” —Claire D., 46

8. You might envy your kids.

“I had a very difficult childhood. I was raised by a single mother, and we didn’t have much money. My mom was stressed all of the time and wasn’t there for me. Not only that, it was clear from a young age that I was gay and she didn’t accept that. I always knew that when I had kids, I’d be the kind of parent I wanted to have. I’m proud to say that I’ve made good on that promise. I’m happy that I can give my two kids what I never had. But, if I am being honest, I also feel jealous of them sometimes. Giving them what I always wanted highlights all the things I never got and I really have to check myself and that jealousy on a regular basis.” —Jeremy D., 38

9. It’s awesome, but other relationships can take a hit.

“Having kids? I love it. Being a mother is a role that comes naturally to me. What surprised me more about having a kid is that it changed how I interacted with my girlfriend. Before having kids, I was super focused on nurturing our relationship and, honestly, doing anything I could to make her feel good and supported. Once I had kids, all that energy went toward them. I no longer had the patience to do all the things she was used to me doing for her. (I legit used to pack her lunch for work each day.) It’s been bumpy figuring out our new dynamic, and I think sometimes she resents our kids because it took my focus off of her.” —Eliza S., 37

10. You might become more fun?

“I’m not silly. Never have been. I don’t love comedies, I don’t dance, and I don’t laugh all that much. At least, I never really did those before I had kids. I’m an academic and tend to be pretty subdued and serious. Having my son changed that. Seeing this little kid that was so full of wonder and excitement infected me with a playfulness that I never had before. I am now totally that weird parent who makes funny faces and does ridiculous voices and plays make-believe. It’s been pretty awesome getting to know this new side of myself as a parent, and it has made me really value what having a kid did to my life.” —Rachel W., 30

11. Having one kid might be enough.

“I always thought I wanted a big family—at least four kids! After having one, I decided I was good with stopping there. Being a parent is great. I love my kid. But I don’t want any more. It’s much harder than I thought it would be and it takes so much time. I have very little time left each day to focus on the things that I want to do to better myself. If I had more children, there’d be even less. I feel like to be the best mother to the son I have, I can’t have any more kids. I need to be able to give him the time and energy he deserves while also still nurturing myself—and that just wouldn’t be possible if I had another child.” —Leigh F., 35

12. Being a single parent has some perks.

“Listen, being a single parent isn’t easy. But I made the decision to do it because I wasn’t in a committed relationship, and I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to be a mom just because I hadn’t found love. There’s a lot of stress involved in doing it on your own: All the financial burden is on my one salary, I get no breaks, and I worry about what my kid is missing out on by not having two parents. That said, I also love it. I get to raise my child the way I want to and don’t have to compromise with a partner. It is also so gratifying to know that I am raising this amazing person all on my own.” —Trisha S., 38

13. You’ll figure out that you don’t really know anything. 

“I used to think my parents knew everything—well, until I was a teen and then I thought they knew nothing. Before I had a kid, I figured you just become wiser when you enter parenthood. Nope. I can’t believe how much I just wing. I don’t know what I am doing. With every new milestone my daughter meets, I find myself turning to Dr. Google to figure out what to do. In a way, parenting makes me feel dumb. What should you do when a kid throws a tantrum because you want them to brush their teeth? No clue. Can kids eat raw fish in sushi? Um, beats me. What kind of coat keeps a little person warm? Heck if I know. Being responsible for another person has made me realize how much I don’t know. It’s still freaking fun, though.” —Desiree D., 34

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 13 Parents on How They Actually Feel About Having Kids appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.18.22

How to Deal With Weird Food Convos Around the Holidays

Can we all just charcuterie in peace? ByBethany Heitman

Here are just a few unfortunately common scenarios you might be in for this holiday diet culture season: Mom guilt for denying seconds of her homemade meal. Your aunt lamenting that she’s being “so bad” as she grabs a slice of pie. Your colleague going on about how they worked out to make up for the holiday office party apps.

Basically, these last few months of the year are rife with opportunities to be surrounded by triggering food talk. “Where there is an abundance of food, diet culture does what it does best and swoops in with an abundance of moralizing food comments (i.e., “good” foods and “bad” foods) and body shaming messages,” says Sarah Davis, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist and certified eating disorders specialist. “This can impact our own perception of ourselves based on the food we are eating: I am good because I am eating ‘good’ foods, and I am bad because I am eating ‘bad’ foods. This brings about negative self-talk and wreaks havoc on our body image.” Love! That! For! Us! 

Here’s the thing: Holiday diet culture can make anyone feel some type of way about their body, but they can be particularly tough for people with a history of disordered eating, potentially even triggering a relapse in their symptoms. “Being around these conversations can create heightened anxiety and shame resulting in increased urges to engage in disordered eating behaviors,” says Davis. 

To prevent the spiral, we talked to therapists who specialize in disordered eating for ways you can navigate the diet culture hellscape that is a holiday dinner. 

Don’t go in cold.  

Picture this: You’re at a family gathering enthusiastically getting your charcuterie board on, when—bam!—your diet-obsessed cousin makes a judgey comment about how much cheese is on your plate. Suddenly, the fun flies out the window and you’re in a pit of shame. Even if you logically know you have nothing to be ashamed of, any commentary about what you’re eating can make you feel real bad. 

In this case, the best offense is a good defense. That’s because when we’re taken by surprise, it can heighten the entire experience and make the impact of these types of comments feel even stronger. Simply knowing that you could face something tricky can help you brace yourself—and maybe even come up with a go-to response to shut that shit down.  

So, whether it’s a family meal, a friend’s party, or something else, take a little time beforehand to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what might come up and how you can handle it. Chances are, you’ll easily be able to identify a potential triggering occurrence (like your rude cousin coming for your cheese intake) and your rebuttal.

Enlist an anti-diet ally. 

Some jerks may make stupid food comments, but that doesn’t mean everyone around you is a lost cause. In fact, you likely have a few people in your support system who get just how toxic these comments can be—or who at least have your back enough to sympathize. 

Think about who will be at whatever event you’re going to and identify one or two allies. This can be a friend, cousin, or colleague—really, anyone you trust and feel like just gets it. Tell them what your pain points are and how you’re worried that constant diet culture talk may mess with your head. Having someone you can give a side eye to when you hear something obnoxious or who can help you change the subject can alleviate so much stress. And, hey, you can always repay the favor by asking if there are any topics they’re trying to avoid (Politics! Their dating life! Work issues!) and promise to step in if those come up. 

Consider skipping the truly triggering events. 

Another benefit of preparing yourself for potential landmines before attending an event or gathering is giving yourself permission to stay TF home. So if you feel like fat-phobic comments coming from people at the party are going to mess with your otherwise stable self-esteem, bail if you need to. “If skipping one holiday event gives you time to heal so you can enjoy all the events to come, that is a worthwhile sacrifice,” says Joseph Sciarretta, LCSW, a licensed therapist and member of the International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. 

This is really only a tactic to deploy when you know that putting yourself in a certain situation will be truly damaging to your mental health. Passing up the annual family party may not be that easy—or worth the grief you’ll get from mom. But what about all the other only semi-necessary things filling up your iCal? Sitting out of the random holiday happy hour thrown by an acquaintance when you know it has the potential to upset you is likely fine. 

Again, we’re not telling you to pass on every invite. If you do, you risk feeling lonely and getting resentful that your history of disordered eating is preventing you from having fun. 

Try talking to yourself like a friend.

Let’s say a family member criticizes you for going back for seconds or makes some remark about how they could never eat that much. You may start stressing and assume that everyone in the room is hyper-focused on your eating habits. But, if you heard that family member say the exact same thing to your best friend, you’d probably tell them they’re perfect and to ignore all that noise.

“I ask my clients, ‘What advice would you give to someone else who is having the same thoughts you are having?’” suggests Sciarretta. You’d probably suggest they go take a walk, be kind to themselves, and remember that these comments say more about the other person’s relationship with food and bodies than it does about theirs.

To help snap yourself out of a self-esteem pit of despair, you might tell yourself, “OMG, don’t worry, that’s just aunt Susan’s internalized body shame talking. It has no business making you feel like crap.” 

If you feel comfortable, speak up about holiday diet culture. 

Here’s something you may not realize: You are allowed to ask people to kindly STFU when it comes to food conversations. 

Obviously, this feels more doable with family and friends than it will with acquaintances or strangers you meet at a party. But this tactic can be particularly helpful with people you care for who may not even realize how damaging their words can be—like a pal who makes an off-handed comment about “earning dessert.” “Explain that you would appreciate it if body size and negative food talk were not topics of conversation this holiday season,” says Davis. 

Or maybe just change the subject when someone starts assigning moral value to foods with something like, “Have you ever listened to the Maintenance Phase podcast? It totally changed the way I think about diet culture. Highly recommend.” 

That said, it’s also helpful to manage your expectations around this. Things will probably not change overnight. “You will probably have to set those boundaries more than once and remind them when they slip up,” advises Davis. “Use the broken record technique and stick firmly to your boundaries.”

Get a little extra support if you need it.  

Reminder: The holidays can be A Lot. So if you have a feeling that it’ll be hard for you to navigate conversations about food or weight in the coming months, it’s not a bad idea to seek out help before you truly need it. If you already see a therapist, consider scheduling more frequent check-ins during the winter season to ensure you have support when things get hard. Not seeing someone? Maybe it’s time to look for a therapist who specializes in this so that you know you have someone in your corner who can help. 

While you can’t actually abolish all rude food talk over the holidays (wouldn’t that be nice?!), sharpening the tools in your toolkit before you attend all those holiday events can help you feel more chill when triggers pop up.

The post How to Deal With Weird Food Convos Around the Holidays appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.15.22

You’re Not Weird or Broken If You’re Dreading the Holidays

Not feeling so festive? That’s cool. ByBethany Heitman

It’s the most wonderful time of the year—or so they say. From decking the halls to attending parties and spending quality time with your family, the holiday season is most often associated with joy and good vibes. But if this time of year leaves you feeling more blah than fa-la-la-la-la, you’re certainly not the only one internally screaming, I hate the holidays. “The holidays can be challenging for many people,“ says licensed psychotherapist Amber Robinson, LMFT. “There are so many societal pressures around what the holidays should look like. When people feel like they don’t meet that mold, it can be very defeating.” And it’s not just outside pressures—there are a variety of potential landmines that can trigger holiday sadness, anxiety, just general discomfort, and other emotions.

But, ICYMI, you don’t just have to suck it up. By identifying your holiday triggers and deploying strategies to safeguard yourself from holiday sadness, you’ll have a better chance of finding some peace as we sail through the rest of 2022. Here, everything you need to know.

Let’s just admit that the holidays can be really effing hard.

There are so many things that can make October to February pretty challenging—not the least of which are the unrealistic expectations we put on the holidays.

From everyone’s travel plans to all the happy family pics that fill up your Instagram feed, there are endless messages broadcasting this idea (whether it’s factual or not!) that everyone is happy. 

Then, of course, there’s all that family time. “For adults with childhood trauma or strained family relationships, the expectation of spending time together can feel overwhelming,” explains Robinson. 

Even if the issues with your family don’t go as far back as childhood, certain dynamics can make things tricky. Say, for example, you have a loud uncle who can’t help but voice his questionable political opinions. Knowing you’re going to have to endure his tirades could induce feelings of dread, making you hate the holidays.

Yes, managing the relationships you have can be hard, but dealing with your feelings about the relationships you don’t have can be even harder. Perhaps you’ve lost a loved one. Having to celebrate without them can kick up feelings of grief. Or maybe you’re mourning the fact that you don’t have a relationship you’d really like to have with a family member or even a partner. “There’s often an emphasis on romantic relationships over the holidays—whether it’s needing a date for a party or the endless jewelry commercials highlighting happy couples,” says licensed clinical social worker Alyson Cohen, LCSW. “If you’re not partnered and want to be, there are so many reminders of what you don’t have that it can make you feel extra lonely.”

Last but not least, money stress is very much a thing right now (and kind of all the time). In the American Psychological Association’s 2022 Stress in America Survey, just over half of people surveyed said that they’re stressed about money, which, yeah, checks out. With presents and potential travel costs, this time of year can get real expensive.

Here’s why you might hate the holidays. 

Remember when you were in middle school and someone had a sleepover that you weren’t invited to? That left-out feeling sucked. The holidays can conjure up that feeling times a million. 

Maybe you weren’t invited to a party—or you were and everyone looks like they’re having so much more fun than you are. “When you feel as though you aren’t meeting the societal expectations of what the holidays should look like, it can impact your self-talk,” says Robinson. “This is one of the most prevalent issues I see in my clients.” Unfortunately, we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others, and getting down on yourself can make you feel hopeless and lonely.

Stress is another potential problem. Checking your bank account balance or worrying about potential family blowups can really eat away at you. “All of these inner conflicts that we experience add stress to the body, not to mention potential anxiety or depressive symptoms,” shares Robinson. 

Small moves can lift your spirits.

We can’t promise you’ll go from hating the holidays to Buddy the Elf, but mitigating how challenging the season is for you is def possible. 

First, find ways to give yourself a little grace. If you’re beating yourself up over what you don’t have (whether it’s money, a partner, or a supportive family), it’s important to cut yourself some slack. “How you talk to yourself matters!” says Robinson. “A question I have my clients ask themselves is, ‘Who’s voice is this?’ Is it actually yours or is it your mother’s or your ex’s or someone else’s? This can help quiet that voice.” 

Another tactic that therapists will often share with clients: If you can’t flip a negative thought into something positive, tell yourself you’re going to put a pin in that negative thing for now. 

If others are spurring your sadness, find a way to keep their judgments at arm’s length. Say you are dreading all the holiday parties because you’re miserable at work and the go-to small talk question always seems to be “How’s work?” Cohen says having a go-to phrase can help. “Create an easy answer around questions you know you may be sensitive to,” she says. “The goal should be something neutral that doesn’t feel like a lie, but also doesn’t open the door for further interrogation.” An example of this: If the work question is what you dread, you could say something like, “I’m hoping to really focus on my career needs in the new year, but for now, I’m just trying to experience the holidays in the best way possible. Thanks for asking.”

If you sense a holiday meltdown is coming, do what you can to protect your peace before things get bad. 

Having a prevention-focused mindset can go a long way toward ensuring your holidays don’t put you in a funk. “I like to tell people to embrace the three Bs: balance, boundaries, and breaks,” says Robinson. When planning your holiday schedule and accepting invites, focus on finding a balance between the things you have to do and things you want to do. 

From there, you can figure out what your boundaries are. This could mean avoiding certain people or simply turning certain things down. “Remember, you can not attend an event or not travel back home if it is going to cause you distress,” says Robinson. “Saying no to preserve your mental health is always OK, even when it feels like it isn’t.”

At the end of the day, it’s about knowing what you need to feel well and building in breaks to ensure you don’t overextend yourself. “This may look like having a set time to leave or only spending a certain amount of time with company before getting some alone time in,” says Robinson. By giving yourself some time and space away from the things that cause you stress or sadness, you’ll be more likely to stay even-keeled throughout the season. 

The post You’re Not Weird or Broken If You’re Dreading the Holidays appeared first on Wondermind.