Stories Link Copied 05.23.24

9 People Who Aren’t Lonely Share Their Secret

You don’t even have to join a club. ByAshley Oerman

It’s 2024 and we’re all well aware that there’s a new epidemic called loneliness in town. Maybe you’re quite familiar or maybe you’re new to this uncomfortable state of being. Either way, that I’m-feeling-lonely type of feel sucks. 

But it turns out there are some people out there who are completely unaffected by this emotional plague. They are: the un-lonely. To those of us who’ve ever been seriously disturbed by a lack of plans on a Saturday evening, this may be shocking news. And yet, it is truth. 

So, how does one gain un-lonely status? Well, psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, says the biggest thing to not feel lonely comes down to is one’s comfortability with loneliness and alone time. The more chill you feel about being literally by yourself or feeling lonely, the less power it has over you. 

How you feel about loneliness could be tied to your attachment style, says Tsilimparis, which is a psychological explanation for how our early bonds impact how we show up in relationships in the future. But it also might not be that deep for everyone! You might have a strong aversion to being alone for all types of reasons—like that society and sitcoms make it seem like you have to be surrounded by your friend group all the time or because you’re avoiding stuff that’s harder to ignore when you’re on your own. 

The secret to feeling less lonely is shifting your mindset from, “I’m alone and hating it,” to “I’m alone and not hating it.” Tsilimparis says this works because you’re retraining your brain to be OK with alone time and OK with yourself in general. “You’re flipping the script on the old narrative, then it gives you control,” he explains. 

To be happy alone, you’ll need to work toward accepting your alone-ness and working toward seeing it in a neutral or even a positive light, psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, shared in a workshop on loneliness for Wondermind. The first thing you can do is think about where you got the idea that being alone or being by yourself within a group of people is a bad thing. How you feel when alone is all about how you interpret your aloneness. When you identify where that narrative began, you can start to see how it’s impacting your here-and-now experiences with aloneness and how you might consider other interpretations or frameworks about being alone, Dr. Wang added.  Then, hopefully, you can decide to stop subscribing to that idea. 

Tsilimparis also recommends designating five minutes to being alone whenever you can. During that solo time, acknowledge that you are, indeed, alone and remind yourself that it’s fine to be uncomfortable about that. From there, try reciting some healthy aloneness affirmations, like:

• What I’m feeling isn’t loneliness but healthy aloneness.
• To build emotional resilience, I need to experience uncomfortable feelings without fighting them.
• It’s OK for me to be unattached right now.
• It’s OK that my evening isn’t perfect or like what I see on social media.

The goal is to find the beauty in being alone instead of rejecting it. With that in mind, we asked people who describe themselves as un-lonely for their tips. Maybe not surprisingly, all of their advice centers around accepting themselves, their relationships, and alone time in general. Steal some for yourself. 

Accept aloneness as part of life.

“I was taught as a kid that life is full of situations where we have to go things alone. It happens to everyone. But being alone doesn’t mean you’re isolated or without support from others. It’s just a chance to go inward, reflect, and communicate with yourself.” —Millicent F., 30

See it as a chance to recharge and do you.

“I’m a very introverted and shy person, so I need alone time to help me recharge—even if it’s just for an hour before I go to sleep. When I’m alone I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to worry about whether everyone is enjoying themselves. I just think about all the things that I want to do that are so much easier and more enjoyable to do by myself.” —Kellie C., 30

Invest in your relationship with yourself.

“When you realize that your own company is more important than being with others, you start to look forward to spending more time with yourself. This way, we don’t feel lonely.” —Anonymous, 23

Make time for long-distance relationships.

“I have nightly FaceTimes with my immediate family (my mom, dad, and twin sister). I don’t see them as often as I used to when I was living at home, so it’s nice to catch up over dinner even if it’s just for a few minutes. We talk about our days, family gossip/news, and funny things we saw on our social feeds. It’s a nice reminder that even when we’re apart, we can connect in a consistent way. It’s something I can depend on.” —Sam B., 28

Remind yourself how great you are.

“I’ve never felt lonely because I like myself, and using my imagination means I’m never bored.” —Abigail W., 45

Investigate what you like and what you don’t.

“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve thought a lot about what serves me and what doesn’t. Learning to embrace alone time and doing what feels right for me in the moment fills my cup, whether it’s something fun or relaxing or new or out of my norm. It’s been good for me to learn more about myself because we all change over time.”  —Courtney H., 44

See friendship as a continuum. 

“I also feel unlonely because I’ve leaned into meaningful relationships, by tending to those bonds and also making room for new friends. Though it’s not easy to make friends as an adult, I’m able to see this process as an ongoing journey that helps me fill my cup.” —Courtney H., 44

Don’t belittle the small stuff.

“I don’t see friends as often as I used to (adulting will do that). This might seem small, but we send each other memes or nostalgic/funny TikToks pretty often even if we don’t have the time to send full texts to the group chat. Those interactions still remind me that we can bond over seemingly silly stuff that isn’t actually silly at all. It’s great to have deep convos about life changes or big emotions, but acknowledging each other’s internet humor is a nice way to connect amid the craziness of adulting.” —Sam B., 28

Focus on the friends who get you.

“I feel the most lonely when I‘m with people that I can’t connect with. So I try to choose my environment carefully. I have a few very good friends who I can call when I’m not feeling well, need advice, or have exciting news. I can share anything with them and vice versa without judgment.” —Anonymous, 22

Get to know your limits. 

“I’m pretty secure with myself. I know I’m a good mother, I have a good job, and I can provide and show up for others. I also know when I’m reaching my mental capacity and need time alone. When that happens, I’ll sit with myself and crochet. It’s taken years for me to get here, and therapy gave me the tools I needed to get to this point.” —Jaime M., 37

Be real with yourself and others.

“I think being un-lonely is feeling like you’re not lonely when you really are. What helps me do that is using meditation and yoga to process those feelings, and being vulnerable in my relationships helps me feel more secure within them.” —Anna K., 23

Set up go-to alone time activities.

“I feel like loneliness ebbs and flows. That said, in recent years I’ve felt particularly secure in my alone time. I use it to do things that make me happy. Sure, I might not be hanging out with friends on a Saturday night, but I’m cuddling with my dogs and laughing along to a good Netflix show. I fill my alone time with poetry, good books, and workouts where inspiring Peloton instructors feel like my best buds. Because these things bring me joy, it makes me confident that I can find happiness when I’m alone! Being alone isn’t a bad thing.” —Sam B., 28

The post 9 People Who Aren’t Lonely Share Their Secret appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.15.23

7 Ways to Make Traveling Less of a Nightmare 

Or? maybe? even? fun? ByAshley Oerman

Who doesn’t love piling into a car/plane/train/bus with tons of chatty humans, settling in for a day of traffic, delays, and motion sickness, and capping it all off with things like jet lag and lost baggage? The best! There’s also the mental preparation for the chaos of holiday travel (or basically any travel) that sparks things other than joy. The anxiety about what to pack or being late or the possibility of TSA publicly humiliating you while they scream, “Laptops out!” is enough to make anyone crave therapy or a sedative or both.

Even if everything somehow goes right, the nature of travel itself can be exhausting, says clinical psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. “When we travel, going long distances into new time zones or just new environments is stressful, and that can take a toll on you,” Dr. Wang explains. “When it’s physically uncomfortable, that adds to your stress,” she says. 

So how can we make whatever way we’re getting from point A to B a much less overwhelming experience? Here, we explain how you can feel like your calmest, comfiest (maybe even happiest?) traveling self. 

1. Go early.

If you haven’t booked your trip yet, consider building extra hours or even days into your travel schedule to ease into the trip, suggests Dr. Wang. A lot of the time, we work up until the very last second (PTO rationing is real), which means your work drama butts right up against travel drama. That doesn’t leave much room for you to catch your breath—a thing anyone who’s tried to make an after-work flight understands completely. 

Instead of doing that, maybe take the day before your trip off so you can dedicate eight full hours to packing or getting hyped about wherever you’re going. You could also start your trip a day early so you have time to put your toothbrush in its designated place, unpack, or pass out in your hotel room that first night (or all of the above). Those settling-in activities work as little grounding moments that can help combat stress, overwhelm, and anxiety to come. That’s PTO well-spent.

2. Set some expectations.

There’s a reason The Amazing Race is still on TV: Traveling with other people is dramatic. Whether you’ve been hitting the road with someone for years or are about to commute long-distance with a new friend, there’s a solid chance you have different styles of getting places and dealing with (literal) roadblocks. 

This is where communication basically solves everything. Before your trip (the earlier the better), connect with whoever dared to join you about how you like to do this whole thing, suggests psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT. 

Be clear and detailed as you chat through things like: 

• When you want to leave home
• How much money you want to spend (while traveling and on the trip itself)
• How much of the trip you want to be relaxing vs active
• How much you like to talk while traveling 
• If you plan to sleep en route
• If you want to stop at a specific spot in the airport or on the highway
• How you’d handle a delay or any other unexpected issue 

By sharing where your head is at and asking your travel companion where theirs is, you’ll know what you’re in for, avoid any potential awkwardness, and mentally prepare to do you (and they can do the same). 

3. Tackle your sleep stress.

If you struggle to rest up the night before your travel day, first consider why that is. If it’s just always been this way before a big event, mixing up your schedule leading up to that pre-travel slumber can help, says Tsilimparis. That’s because changing your routine can sometimes alter your thinking patterns, he says. Instead of spending the night before the trip checking and rechecking your packing list, maybe go out for dinner or put on a movie you’ve been wanting to watch. By confusing yourself, you might trick your brain into relaxing. 

If that stresses you out even more (I get it), perhaps the reason you can’t sleep is because you’re worried you’ll miss your alarm and ruin the whole trip before it starts. Ask yourself if you’ve ever missed an alarm before a trip and messed up everything. Chances are, you haven’t and it’s probably pretty unlikely that you would suddenly do that now, explains Tsilimparis. When that’s not enough, setting multiple alarms and taking a little something to help you sleep might be the move. 

4. Assume the worst.

One of the most annoying things about traveling is that so much is out of your control. So if you accept that it’s not going to be great from the start, you might have a better time, says Dr. Wang. “As someone who travels with kids, this has really expanded my tolerance for anything bad that might happen,” she explains. That’s because, when you expect that this could really suck, you’re letting yourself get comfortable with the uncomfortable, she adds. Then, instead of dwelling on the fact that the traffic is trash or your seatmate is a chatterbox, you can focus on trying to make the best of whatever you’re dealing with. 

5. Reframe this as something you GET to do, rather than something you HAVE to do. 

As you gear up to enter the shitshow that is post-2020 travel, remind yourself that you have the time off and funds to go on this trip, even if the process of getting there isn’t the most peaceful. In other words, you get to do this. Holding those two ideas at once makes the bad stuff seem like not such a big deal while also enabling you to find the good in this experience, explains Dr. Wang. 

Not to be all, “throw some money at this situation,” but romanticizing your travel experience can help too. Dress like you’re taking the PJ to the south of France, buy that overpriced coffee, use that flight delay to justify $25 airport nachos. Whatever you need to make this mixed bag feel like a privilege is fair game. 

6. Get weird.

If you have travel anxiety, the pressure to act normal despite feeling incredibly uncomfortable can be intense, says therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT. But, most of the time, no one is paying attention to us. And even if they were, there’s nothing wrong with doing whatever you need to feel comfortable when you’re in the thick of a travel day. “If you sit down on the floor, put on an eye mask, and do deep breathing exercises in the airport, most likely no one will even notice or care at all,” explains Johnston. Maybe that little routine is exactly what you need to make the rest of your trip or the next 20 minutes bearable, and that’s worth it. 

7. Just go ahead and assume you’ll have a panic attack.

“A lot of times people start to feel panicked and they think, Having a panic attack while traveling is the worst thing that could happen right now. Don’t have a panic attack, don’t have a panic attack, don’t have a panic attack. Which usually causes more anxiety and can actually lead to a panic attack,” explains Johnston. The solution: Be open to the idea that, yep, you could definitely have a panic attack during this travel adventure. 

Then, make a plan for how you’d manage it if it happened, says Johnston. That could look like having your anxiety meds handy (read: not in a checked bag), using an app to do a guided meditation or breathing exercise, turning on a specific playlist, closing your eyes, taking off a layer of clothing, having some cold water handy, anything that helps you feel more grounded, says Johnston. And if it does happen, “Saying to yourself, ‘I think I’m having a panic attack’ and reminding yourself that it’s temporary and survivable can reduce the power it holds over you,” he adds. You got this, baby! 

The post 7 Ways to Make Traveling Less of a Nightmare  appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 11.07.23

I Tried Energy Healing So You Don’t Have To

The vibes are vibing. ByAshley Oerman

If your Google search history or social media feed includes things like “benefits of selenite” or “sound baths for energy clearing,” you get it. If not, consider this your official notice: The energy-healing era hath commenced. 

Case in point: Wellness TikTok recently finished up its hot girl walk and moved on to deeper topics like reparenting yourself and healing from intergenerational trauma. Energy healing services are starting to pop up at some wellness spas and therapy practices. Even the fitness-focused Alo Moves app dropped a Reiki series complete with meditation and sound baths recently. Honestly, it’s enough to make anyone facing an existential crisis ready to throw down some cash—or at least pick up a few crystals.

I may look like a seasoned health editor who can Where’s Waldo a wellness scam from many a social feed—and I am—but I’m also an energy-curious gal just looking to heal her shit. 

So when I had the chance to work with an energy healer back in March (Hi, Johnlyn!), I was like, “Sure.” Eight months and many sessions later, I’ve become the friend who says, “You know what my energy healer would say about that?” 

I feel like this is probably a good time to mention that I am and will continue to be talk therapy’s number one fan. I’ve been seeing my licensed therapist (a cognitive behavioral wizard) for half a decade, and she’s helped me manage or overcome a ton of life drama. 

But this past winter/spring was an especially tough one. Without risking a vulnerability hangover, it’s safe to say that I’ve been navigating some super-important relationships and figuring out how to set boundaries within them. And while my therapist continued to help me deconstruct my brain and put it back together, I felt really stuck. I was in my own way but didn’t know what my next move should be.

Healing, but make it energetic

Anyway, enter energy healing. During my first session with Johnlyn over Zoom, she tells me a little bit about her process. It starts with chit-chatting about anything that’s bugging me, then she spiritually tunes into the universe/God/whatever you’d like to label a higher power, and she takes note of things that might be helpful to bring up later in the process. 

Then we started getting weird. She tells me to close my eyes, put my left hand on my heart, and just breathe normally before asking me to picture myself (or maybe my younger self? I forget, to be honest) at a park and to pick something fun to do. I immediately make the only correct choice and select the swings (kidding, but also, swings rule). She explains that I should picture myself on the swings just hanging out. 

Then she asks me to scan my body from head to toe, noticing any sensations coming up. At the time, my eyelids felt really heavy and my brain was foggy, a thing that had been going on for a couple of weeks. We sit with that for a sec, and she says that she’s noticing some energy coming up within me that wants to be moved. She asks if it’s OK for her to shift it for me. I’m like, let’s do this, and she waves her hands to clear the stale vibes that are ready to see themselves out. 

After our 90-minute session, she left me with some homework: Pay attention to the physical sensations that come up for no apparent reason, like my heavy eyelids or nauseous stomach. Instead of trying to explain why those sensations are happening, just feel that they’re there. According to Johnlyn, doing this can help you start to shift your own energy, which helps you process the underlying emotions without having to verbalize what you’re feeling or why.

What is happening?

Just a little background: While energy healing modalities are not new (more on that in sec), some Western researchers began categorizing practices like Johnlyn’s as “energy medicine” in the 1980s, according to an article published in the International Journal of Yoga. 

Researchers and practitioners have also tried to come up with an explanation as to what “energy” even is. Ultimately, they landed on “a massless field, not necessarily electromagnetic, that surrounds and permeates living bodies and affects the body,” according to an overview of research published in the journal Global Advances in Health and Medicine. Smart people call this a biofield.

The idea is that those who work with energy to make you feel better are “channeling healing energy” through their hands “into the client’s body to restore a normal energy balance and, therefore, health,” according to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health. While Johnlyn’s style (and probably every healer’s) is unique, achieving that “energy balance” seems to be the goal of any kind of energetic healing—even the kind over Zoom. 

If you’re like, OK, but how? Same. There are a lot of hypotheses but they mostly come back to theories in quantum physics, according to a paper published in Global Advances in Health and Medicine.

I get that this sounds suspicious, but some data suggests that energy healing can lead to some noticeable changes in people’s well-being. Take this review of research from Frontiers in Psychology, which says that the (very limited) existing studies about Reiki, a form of energy healing, suggest it’s more effective at treating things like stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout than a placebo.

And, for what it’s worth, this small observational study found that health care workers who received four 20-minute sessions of remote Reiki reported better sleep and less anxiety, stress, and pain. So there’s something to say Zoom energy healing is not a scam. 

Physics and research aside, people have practiced energy healing in many forms, including classical Chinese medicine (CCM), for thousands of years, says Niko Karelas, LAc, an energetic and spiritual healer with a masters in acupuncture who studied Classical Chinese medicine, Reiki, cupping, sound healing, and other energy healing methods. CCM is intended to treat the body, spirit, and soul together by clearing a path for Qi, or “life force energy,” to flow through you, Karelas explains. 

The philosophy is that certain points in your body (called meridians in Chinese medicine) correspond to different physical and emotional parts of you. And when energy can flow freely to these points and throughout your system, it positively impacts your physical body and your emotions, says Karelas. 

Achieving that flow is also part of other energy healing modalities, like the ones that utilize chakras, explains Victoria Kirtley, MA, an Akashic medium and spiritual coach who received her master’s degree from Oxford’s school of experimental psychology.

Karelas says that, in his practice (which often includes Reiki, crystals, sound therapy, cupping, and acupuncture) energy healing gets your body to a very chill homeostasis by clearing physical and emotional knots or blockages. It’s like a spiritual massage, if you will. And, by getting you into rest mode, energy healing is thought to promote physical and emotional healing, Karelas adds. 

Not to be a downer, but the scientific proof energy healing works that way is definitely lacking. Though some studies looked at the biological changes in humans before and after energy healing therapies—like this 2021 randomized controlled trial—the evidence isn’t quite there. 

That said, one study found that burned out health care workers who received Reiki treatments had changes in their body temp and heart rate variability afterward. That could indicate the treatment impacted their parasympathetic nervous system—or the part of your nervous system that helps you “rest and digest.” And, in a rat study, lab rats who received Reiki (love that for them) were less likely to be stressed out by loud noises than ones who didn’t. 

What energy healing feels like

Karelas recommended I try a session with him to do my own energy healing study. Naturally, I was on board.

I filled out roughly 10 pages of health info at Sage and Sound, a spa-like situation that offers (kind of expensive but seemingly worth it) energy healing, sound baths, and classes on things like breathwork and meditation. Afterward, Karelas looked at my tongue, took my pulse in three places, and read my face—all very standard classical Chinese medicine stuff, he says. Then I got up on the table face-down (this is a clothes-on experience, by the way) and the search for homeostasis began. 

It started with Karelas putting one of my hands between his palms saying, “You are safe, you are safe,” a few times. The hands are related to the heart chakra, he says, so this is an important step in letting your body know it’s OK to calm the fuck down. Then he used this back massager-like thing that, I assume, shook up my internal vibes. After that, he placed sound bowls on each of my chakras and gonged them several times. At some point Karelas also gonged (this a verb, yes?) a really big gong to the left of the table too. All of this was to get those energies moving and tune them to the same frequency as the sound itself, he explains.

Then the Reiki started. He placed hands along my chakras one at a time with some gentle pressure. Honestly, the rest of this process got a little foggy (assuming that was the homeostasis kicking in), but I started to notice a weird tightness in the front of my throat. It kept up through the craniosacral work, where Karelas massaged my head and kind of cradled it before doing the same with my feet. Karelas also did some really beautiful chanting toward the end.

When it was all over, he told me my assignment was to sing and/or dance for five minutes a day to express energies and emotions, and also to take Epsom salt baths once a week with a teaspoon of baking soda in the water. Oh, and that tightness? That was my throat chakra coming to life to express energy that I’d kept on the DL, Karelas explained. “That’s incredible,” he added. (Cut to me shrug smiling like Kevin James.)

On my way home, I was so, so tired. I felt like I took a Benadryl. I texted Karelas who said this is common and means my body is in that sweet rest and digest mode, which is a great sign of potential healing to come. 

Yeah, but does it work? 

Um, not no? Listen, I have not lived in an energy-healing clinical trial for the last eight months, but what I can say is that I’ve made some massive changes since this whole thing began. 

Admittedly, at least some of those shifts had something to do with the time-spent-focusing-on-my-energy factor increasing approximately 100% since January 2023. But I also gained a new perspective on the same old problems I’d been talking circles around in talk therapy (like, why don’t I stop communicating with this person who’s been making me feel shitty? What’s holding me back from doing that?) And these services/treatments//divine-energy channeling experiences gave me another way to come at those issues with fresh eyes.

To be honest, the answers didn’t always come up right away. Most of the time, I didn’t leave the Zoom room full of wise intel from my inner child. But, over the next several months, I found myself finally making moves on things that I’d felt stuck on for literally years. I blocked the number of someone who deserved it ages ago. I turned down a commitment I made a year and a half ago because it no longer felt like something I wanted (and maybe never did). The amount of aha moments I’ve experienced since starting this whole thing seems significant.  

It’s fair to ask if this is all just a coincidence. But, to me, combining energy healing with my usual therapy added a little spiritual or energetic push to get me to do the things I’d been dragging my feet about for years. 

Yes, it can be incredibly beneficial to talk it out with a licensed mental health pro. They can help you recognize and change unhelpful thought patterns and beliefs and develop healthier coping skills, says Kirtley. And also, we might not always be able to verbalize or consciously recognize everything that’s happened to us, especially deep traumas, she adds. And that’s where energy healing might provide a fresh perspective.

With energy work, “you get the benefit of being able to heal really deep unconscious programming and traumas that are tough to reach through dialogue,” Kirtley explains. “But [through talk therapy] you also have the awareness of what the hell is going on.” 

That’s why Karelas also tells his clients to seek therapy if they aren’t already doing it. He says that when the people he treats are already working through their thoughts and feelings with a licensed therapist, they might get more out of his healing sessions. 

Kirtley says my aha moments are evidence of this therapy cocktail working its magic. “Maybe there was an energetic/emotional blockage or misalignment that prevented you from seeing things the way that you do now, and when that was released, the answer became glaringly obvious,” she says. “Having the insight that you actually don’t want to do something indicates that the choice wasn’t authentic; it stemmed from a pattern, belief, or construct that wasn’t working in your favor.” In summary, once that bullshit is cleared, there’s nothing to persuade me from doing anything other than what I wanted.

So, should you designate a dump truck of money to these sessions? As a health editor who loves some double-blind clinical trials, I can’t say that there is proof that energy healing will fix your life. But if, like me, you’ve been working with a therapist for a while and you still can’t figure out why you’re like this, maybe an energy healing-fueled epiphany is what you need. What I’m saying is, if you have the money and can responsibly spend it on a healer who helps you learn more about yourself, then why the hell not?

The post I Tried Energy Healing So You Don’t Have To appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 07.06.23

I’m Convinced the Cure for Loneliness Is More Surface-Level Friendships

Let's crack the f*cking code, guys. ByAshley Oerman

Maybe it’s the fact that the pandemic and my 30th birthday hit around the same time, but my social life looks way less, um, busy than it did in 2019. Back in ye olden 2010s, I had (IMO) one of the funnest, coolest, most hilarious group of frands to ever take the streets of my city. So great, in fact, that I often had to cancel plans to recover. 

These magical people were also the same ones I’d turn to when drama went down at work, when my unhinged roommate would talk shit about me…to herself…in the shower…again, or when I wanted to watch the Oscars with someone other than said roommate. Basically, they were my emotional-support humans, accessible at all times.

But because of things like big new jobs, a desire to have kids in a place that isn’t run by rats, and just general life vibe shifts, my people scattered. And that’s kind of left me in a weird, lonely-ish headspace—even as someone whose main fuel source is watching The Kardashians in solitary darkness. 

So, last fall, when I was editing this piece about how to make friends as an adult, I was already mentally, emotionally, and spiritually invested by the time I got to tip number four. Like a venti cold brew straight to the face, these words made me feel like the smartest man alive: “There’s different levels [of friendship]. … and people can serve different purposes in your life.” Basically, soft connections still count. 

What?! Acquaintances?! Yes!!

The art of the surface-level friendship. 

If you needed like five whole minutes to soak in that idea, I get it. It’s the total opposite of how I was living my life up until that point. I’m going to go ahead and blame ~society~ (specifically Lizzie McGuire, Gordo, and Miranda) for my long-standing belief that the only people worth calling “friends” are the ones who know that you’re prone to UTIs, the name of your brother’s dog, and your boss’s worst quirks. But apparently, as licensed clinical psychologist Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, previously told Wondermind, a healthy social life involves doesn’t have to be that deep.

Per Dr. Zuckerman, most of us have our close friends, like my beloveds who now exist mostly in my IG DMs and group chats. But you likely also have your social friends, aka the ones you’ll call for drinks, a movie, or just consistently attend their annual Halloween party. You also probably have acquaintances, which fully count as friend-like people! Yes! For real! And all of these types of friends can make you feel more connected to humankind in their own unique way, she explained. This idea can be especially helpful when you’re trying to stave off a case of the lonelies. And considering that we’re living through a loneliness epidemic, realizing that you’re surrounded by friendlies can be life-changing if you’re really struggling right now. 

No New friends.

After reading that tip, every social friend and random acquaintance that’s been in my life for the last few years flashed before my eyes. All this time I was racking up anti-loneliness human connection points without even realizing it. (It’s not a game, but also maybe it is.)

First, I thought about my social friends who I mostly spent time with while crushing rosé and singing Broadway tunes. This group has a long history (and an intimidating knowledge of show tunes), so I felt like I had to catch up on the last five years of their lives to be worthy of their time and wine. But after realizing that our fun hangouts are just as important as the deep convos they may or may not be having without me, I could enjoy our time together without the FOMO. 

I also considered my variety pack of “soft connections” or acquaintances: The woman who goes to my gym and tells me to, “Stay safe!” after I wish her a good day in the locker room. The barista who always asks if I live in the neighborhood. I sure do, girl!  Victor from my running club who I mostly see on Instagram. They all count toward my human connection quota. There are no rules anymore.

Sure, call me shallow.

Before this epiphany, I’d say things like, “Yeah, I don’t have that many friends,” when my out-of-state bestie and I talked about our weekend plans. When my in-laws ask how we’d be celebrating any given holiday, I’d make the same joke about how my husband and I would probably just high-five and order takeout (to be fair, that joke kills every time). 

While, yeah, we did spend the Fourth of July eating hot dogs and watching a true crime doc by ourselves, we do have friends! Our “friends” are everywhere! My neighbor and her dog son Winston: Friend x 2! The cashier at my grocery store doesn’t know it, but she’s also my friend. I’m basically a golden retriever now.

Obviously, I’m using the term “friend” very generously here (except in the case of Victor who is the coolest), but I’ve found that reminding yourself that you’re surrounded by people that give a fuck about you—or at least would notice if you’ve been missing from the gym locker room for a while—definitely takes the edge off of spending less time with those closest to you. 

More connection means less pressure.

Up until the fall of 2022, I thought of friendships like a zero-sum game. No connection was a true friendship unless you reached a deep level like I had with my best people. 

That idea put a ton of pressure on me to achieve close-friend status with my new friends and look past anyone who didn’t have best-friend potential. After we’d hang out, I’d get wrapped up wondering, Could these be my people? rather than, Damn, that was fun! It’s a bummer to know how much I was overthinking a good time. 

This philosophy has also made me feel a little less annoyed with the fact that my best friends have other friends who aren’t my friends. It sounds petty, and it probably is, but I’ve felt jealous after seeing a friend post an HBD shout-out to someone I don’t know on their IG story. (Don’t lie! You have too!) But because friendship and human connection are not a zero-sum game, there’s nothing to be jealous about. Our friendship isn’t less important because Tiffany in Columbus, Ohio exists. We both add value to our mutual friend’s life. 

And that’s the whole point of human connection in the first place, right? We make each others’ lives better just by being a part of it, no matter how big or small that part is.

The post I’m Convinced the Cure for Loneliness Is More Surface-Level Friendships appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.14.23

16 Comfort Shows People Highly Recommend

Mmmm, screen time. ByAshley Oerman

Whether you’re obsessed with TV or barely use your parent’s Netflix password, there’s a solid chance you’ve got at least one show you turn to when the world is getting a little too real. The scientific (not really) term for this phenomenon is “the comfort show.” 

To qualify as such, experts say (OK, literally just me) a television or streaming program must have the following characteristics: 1. It must make you feel better than you did before you turned it on. Maybe it’s a hilarious mockumentary that reminds you of hanging out with college friends or a reality show that some might classify as “garbage” but makes you feel like your life is actually pretty great. It could also be a moody drama that reciprocates the sad, melancholy feels currently circulating in your body. 2. It must be so reliable in making you feel better that you turn to it again and again. 

Perhaps you’re familiar with the magical powers of comfort shows (and feel-good movies) and you’re looking to validate its effectiveness by comparing it to our list—and you are welcome to do so! Or maybe you’re searching for a new comfort watch to add to your rotation—you too are welcome in this safe space.

Of course, I do not know your life or what brought you to this calming TV sanctuary. But what I do know is that this list of comfort shows curated by Wondermind staffers with excellent taste in soothing TV is a work of art. Behold. 

1. Cash Cab

“Few things are more comforting to me than knowing I’m right, and that’s why I’m obsessed with rewatching episodes of Cash Cab that I’ve already memorized. While random groups try to answer as many trivia questions as possible (or else face being kicked to the curb!), I’m snuggled in my blanket on a Sunday afternoon shouting out all possible answers to the Red Light Challenge. If regular trivia games are too stressful for you, try rewatching ones you already know the answers to.” —Shannon Barbour, Features Editor

2. Futurama 

“This animated sci-fi drama follows the life of an accidentally frozen pizza deliverer after he’s thawed—a thousand years later. Filled with an eclectic group of oddball mutants, otherworldly aliens, mad scientists, and robots, Futurama never fails to make me laugh, and I always notice something new, even though I’ve seen the show all the way through half-a-dozen times. I used to watch it to help me fall asleep in high school and college (seriously, there’s a whole Reddit dedicated to Futurama sleepers, it’s a thing) because it wasn’t super crude and the characters felt oddly familiar—comforting almost. It’s the perfect comfort show for people who are looking for a show like Family Guy and Rick and Morty but on a more wholesome level.” —Marilyn La Jeunesse, Newsletter Editor

3. Will and Grace

“When I met one of my best friends in college, we bonded over watching reruns of this show that originally aired when we were in elementary, middle, and high school (when most of the references flew over our heads). We roomed together in college and then again through most of our twenties, and this show became the go-to background noise of our apartments and an endless supply of one-liners that worked their way into casual conversation. There was something comforting and incredibly real about watching these two codependent best friends and roommates (Will and Grace) who were both equal parts successful and messy navigating life in New York City with their hilarious sidekicks (Jack and Karen). It’s still something I pop on when I need a nostalgic moment or brain break, and I love knowing that I can always text my best friend a line from any episode and get a reaction.” —Casey Gueren, Head of Content

4. Grey’s Anatomy 

“If you’re a weirdo like me who thinks hospitals are cool and surgery is fascinating and rain is the best weather, maybe this one’s for you. The episodes usually start and end with a mundane moment in the characters’ lives, like getting ready in the morning or having a glass of wine at night, but the middle is always chaos. There’s something about that format that feels very comforting. The reflections from the narrator are very cliché but they’re easy to relate to and sometimes that’s all you need!” —Margarita Bregolat, Marketing and Coordinating Lead

5. Frasier 

“This has been my comfort show for at least 15 years. When I worked the overnight shift at ABC News, the melodic jazz interludes, quiet pacing, and Frasier Crane’s “soothing voice” would lull me to sleep—with a smile. The news industry is incredibly stressful. You work at a frenetic pace and ingest a consistent diet of politics, violence, and strife. It wears on your psyche. I found it hard to wind down after a stressful overnight, and nearly impossible to sleep during the day, but Frasier helped me relax. I love the way the writers incorporated the complexity of familial and human relationships with farce. It’s relatable, smart, and still holds up after all these years. Frasier’s not a loud show, maybe because it’s centered around a psychiatrist’s radio show, so the overall tone feels like it’s intended to be calm, kind of like being in a therapist’s office. I left news years ago, but I still watch an episode (or two) before bed when I can.”  —Marisa Bramwell, Senior Producer, Podcasts

6. Bob’s Burgers

“Bob’s Burgers is an animated family TV show that follows the Belcher family as they try to keep their family-owned burger joint open. I almost always have this show playing in the background as I work from home or spend time with my family over the holidays. No matter how many times I’ve seen it, the jokes still make me laugh and there are many valuable lessons and reminders hidden within. Plus, there are a ton of good burger combos written on Bob’s chalkboard if you’re a foodie looking for some punny dinner ideas. This comfort show is perfect for anyone looking for something light to take their mind off literally everything else.” —ML

7. The Office

“I have no idea why a mockumentary series on a Pennsylvania-based paper company hits so hard, but the incredible writing and comedic timing of every person on that show probably has something to do with it. The Office is that show that I would put on when I was home sick in high school, or when you had people over in your dorm in college, or when you just needed cheering up as an adult. It seems like the humor in this one is either something you love or hate, but there are so many moments that can guarantee a laugh out of me no matter how anxious or depressed I am.” —CG

8. Mad Men

“First of all, Don Draper. And that’s basically it. The anti-hero of this series is an alcoholic working in the ad business in late 1950s New York City, and he’s very attractive—even if he sucks sometimes. Besides Don’s aesthetics, the pretty sets and general moody vibe of this comfort show are perfect for those days when you just want to lie under a pile of blankets, eat Flamin’ Hots, and be a melancholy blob until further notice. I’ve seen the whole series at least three times now, and every session feels as good as the last (if not better because I’m seeing or hearing more details than I did before). Highly recommend!”  —Ashley Oerman, Deputy Editor

9. The Great British Bake Off 

“ICYMI, it’s a baking competition show! I watch this at night and on weekends to decompress from the endless movement of daily life. I also seek out older episodes when I’m legit feeling anxious and can’t find my way out of the feeling myself. It reminds me to take a break, and delivers the emotional breather I need. There’s something special about the nature of the contestants’ collaboration—the way each person competes to win while not losing sight of the humanity in the people they’re competing against, even empathizing with them—is unmatched. It’s a vibe that is totally unique to the show. There’s levity and humor, jokes and wit, and definitely a lot of interesting U.K. cultural nuances, but those are also on top of the visual spectacle of watching talented bakers figure their way through each challenge”. —Amy Thompson, Senior Writer, Podcasts

10. Veep

“The American political satire TV series about a former senator who becomes Vice President of the U.S. and goes on to become the President navigates the cutthroat world of American politics—but in the most hilarious, self-destructive way. When I need to hit pause on the world, Veep’s sharp writing, witty dialogue, and cast of characters with many quirks and absurdities gets me through. I mostly keep coming back for Gary, the VP’s very eager assistant, but this show is fast-paced and has a ton of memorable moments. I can watch it multiple times and catch new sequences and details I may have missed before. I promise it will make you smile!” —Kat Mikuta, VP of Sales

11. Gilmore Girls

“No comfort TV show list is complete without Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino’s iconic series about three generations of Gilmores creates a whole world where viewers know so much about even the most minor characters (Michel hive, please stand up!). It feels so robust, and when I turn it on for yet another full-series rewatch, I can sink into the world of Stars Hollow while all my other worries fade away. I love watching this show with my mom and sister, or even just when I need some soothing background noise. Nothing calms me like Emily refusing to laugh at Lorelai’s antics.” —SB 

“My comfort show is Gilmore Girls, hands down. It’s comforting to me because it reminds me of my close relationship with my mom and transports me to a place that made me feel safe as a kid. I keep coming back because of the humor, pop culture references, and because there’s something new to find in it every time I watch. I love that I used to think I was a Rory, and now I’m definitely a Lorelei!” —Emma Wright, executive assistant

12. Schitt’s Creek 

“I firmly believe there is no purer joy than Schitt’s Creek. What starts out as an insufferably out-of-touch rich family who lost everything turns into a wholesome and hilarious commentary on what constitutes a good life. Watching each character find happiness in ways they never could have imagined in their previously “perfect” reality is so satisfying and oddly therapeutic. And watching David lipsync “Simply the Best” is basically a jolt of serotonin every time.” —CG

“It’s relatable and reminds me of where I came from. I come back to it again and again because it reaffirms I’m on the right path in life!” —Mandy Teefey, CEO and Co-Founder

“Whenever I need a pick-me-up this show makes me laugh and is very entertaining to the point where I don’t even remember what was making me feel bad, sad, or low in the first place. I come back to it again and again because each time it gets funnier and the storylines never get old—even if I know exactly what’s going to happen”. —Jodi Sherman, Director of Sales

13. InuYasha 

“A Japanese anime, InuYasha is a feudal fairy tale that follows the life of a modern girl as she slips through time and has to fight alongside a dog demon, monk, and demon slayer to save the world. It’s a bit old-school, but InuYasha is such a good escape. It’s perfect for fans of Lord of the Rings and Merlin who want to dip their toe into the vast and never-ending world of anime. Don’t we all need a good feudal fairy tale to escape into these days?” —ML

14. Modern Family 

“This show centers on three different families in the LA area and all of their hilarious drama. I think it’s comforting that the characters are usually dealing with their own unique problems but always find a way to come together as a big family toward the end of each episode. I have a long-distance family and (sometimes) I wish we all lived in the same town, so to watch a fictional family go through their day together is comforting. It’s one of those shows that you don’t necessarily have to watch from start to end, but if you do, it gets even better because you see the characters grow up and enter different stages of life. I watch this when I miss my family and all the absurd situations we have been through together!” —MB

15. Love Island

“I’ve watched this series for the last few years and am so intrigued by the U.K. culture and the casting. For the uninitiated, this reality dating show is about a group of single “Islanders” who come together in a stunning villa located in a beautiful tropical destination to find romance. Each week the public votes for their favorite “islander” or favorite couple, and the final couples have a chance to win prize money. There’s a lot I can personally relate to, which makes it fun to watch, but the cast’s banter is pure entertainment and puts me in a good mood. Plus, the fact that everyone has a British accent makes it even better. It has all the good vibes.” —JD

16. New Girl

“Like any show from the early aughts, this one has some moments that didn’t age all that well, but I’ll never not be a fan of Jess, Nick, Coach, Schmidt, and Winston. I love them so much that I’m also willing to overlook that these five very grown adults live in a loft in LA for basically seven years. The writing is just so damn good. There have been many times when I’m rewatching an episode (usually before bed) and hear a hilarious line I’d never heard before. At the end of the day, it reminds me that even when things go very wrong, they’re mostly OK. Oh, and that all cats should be named Ferguson.” —AO

The post 16 Comfort Shows People Highly Recommend appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 02.08.23

Why You Feel Like a Ball of Anxiety the Day After Drinking

The annoyingly common experience is coming for your life choices (every single one). ByAshley Oerman

You came, you drank, you woke up sweaty at 5 a.m. with racing thoughts including (but not limited to) that overshare with your boss last week, the online order you need to return, and how much money you spent last night. Welcome to hangxiety (hangover + anxiety) hell, friends. This perfectly named phenomenon is not a clinical term, but it refers to the super common experience of feeling anxious several hours after your last adult beverage. 

Sure, this can be correlated with what scientists and college kids call “blacking out,” since not remembering what you did last night and waking up to “Hey! Are you OK?” texts from your friends are solid reasons to feel hangxious. Still, you’re not imagining things if hangxiety seems to hit you after two glasses of wine at dinner or alone on your couch. (Not NOT sub-tweeting myself here.) 

As an active member of Club Hangxiety, I just want to take a sec to say that there are so many people out there feeling the same thing you are right now. In fact, I was just at a wedding where I had an amazing time, danced my ass off, and woke up with the sense that my people were probably judging me the whole time. QQ: Anxiety, can I live?!

So, yes, even though the comedown from a fun time can be super isolating and sometimes scary, it’s also normal. As evidence, experts explain why hangxiety happens, what you can do to prevent it, and how to deal when it pops up. Cheers!

What causes hangxiety?

There are a few reasons why this can happen to you. The first is a booze-induced chemical imbalance of sorts. As you sip, the alcohol in your dirty martini starts messing with some neurotransmitter activity in your brain. More specifically, it binds to gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), the neurotransmitter responsible for telling your nervous system to chill out, making your brain less sensitive to its calming effects. At the same time, alcohol also blocks glutamate, an excitatory neurotransmitter that essentially keeps brain activity up and energized, says addiction psychiatrist Collin Reiff, MD. So, to keep up, your brain makes even more glutamate. 

As you head off to bed post-happy hour, your system keeps producing way more glutamate (the energizing, stress-inducing neurotransmitter) than you need, explains Dr. Reiff. Meanwhile, GABA is basically out of office, so it’s not keeping glutamate in check the way it normally does when you’re sober. The result: Your brain’s excitatory system is in overdrive, making your heart race, your body temp rise, and your mind a blur of stressy thoughts and cringey memories from 7th grade homeroom. So fun for us. 

But wait! There’s more. GABA also happens to be a very important player in helping you fall asleep, explains psychiatrist Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, founder of Equal Mental Health. Because it’s less effective at lulling you to sleepy town after you’ve been drinking, the quality of your Zs could be impacted, which can make you feel more on edge when you wake up.

If you drink a lot or have alcohol use disorder, the impact of all this brain chemistry can be way more intense, says Dr. Romero-Gaddi. Still, some people are just extra sensitive to the shift in these neurotransmitters, he adds. So whether you had one big night out or some casual cocktails, you could feel more anxious than usual.

Another unfortunate biological factor: The chemical mechanism that can make drinking feel so awesome might also make us feel shitty hours after we stop. Drinking, or just the thought of raising a glass, promotes the release of feel-good dopamine in the brain, says Dr. Romero-Gaddi. But there’s also a point where—no matter how many drinks you have—you can’t maintain the dopamine high causing the euphoric effect. 

Though the science is a little murky, in theory, sensing the difference between those first-sip dopamine levels and your baseline when you wake up might also make you feel anxious, he adds. If you’ve ever experienced the embarrassment of a 9 a.m. flashback to your hand gesture-y storytelling, despite being totally normal in the context of that dinner party you were at last night, you know this hypothesis checks out.

Hangxiety can happen to anyone, but a small study from 2019 suggests that people who are more shy might be more likely to feel anxious the day after drinking. For that study, researchers measured participants’ levels of shyness and social phobia before asking half of them to drink with friends at home (the other half hung out with friends while sober). The next day, researchers measured the participants’ anxiety levels and found that highly shy drinkers were more anxious that morning—even though they drank about the same amount as the less shy participants. Wild, right?

How can I make hangxiety go away?

This is a bummer, but the most important ingredient in a hangxiety cure is time. Your brain basically just needs a minute (or, you know, hours) to find that perfect equilibrium between GABA and glutamate again. 

That said, remembering that the life-questioning anxiety you feel the morning after a fun time likely stems from a chemical issue—and that it will pass—might actually help you feel better, says Dr. Reiff. 

This would also be a good time to lean into those anxiety coping skills you use when things feel out of control, says Dr. Gaddi-Romero. Maybe that’s taking your anxiety meds, going for a silly little mental health walk, or calling a friend for some co-regulation action. It might be harder to do the things you know work for you when you feel like shit, but they can help. 

If your anxiety comes with a side of physical symptoms like tremors and heart palpitations, that’s because you’re basically going through a mini-withdrawal. But if these symptoms (including the anxiety) last for more than 12 hours, head to the ER to get checked out, says Dr. Reiff. 

Otherwise, hydration, sleep, and food will help you recover and allow your brain to find its balance. Also—you knew this was coming—the next time you go out, try alternating beveraginos with water and sticking to two drinks or less total. 

If you think you might have an issue with alcohol, check out these worksheets from the National Institutes of Health to get to the bottom of that, or head to SAMHSA’s National Helpline if you’d like to talk to someone about it. 

The post Why You Feel Like a Ball of Anxiety the Day After Drinking appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 12.08.22

I’m Going to Decline Your Invite, But Please Keep Inviting Me

Currently accepting applications to this support group. ByAshley Oerman

Things I’ve RSVP’d no to in the last 30 days: dinner and a Broadway show (tempting, truly! But I’m tired), impromptu Tuesday night drinks (Tuesday), my friend’s daughter’s play (these walls aren’t going to paint themselves!), a workout class followed by coffee (finally painting the walls I said I was painting last weekend), wine night with my friend and her baby (baby’s bedtime is later than mine), a Thursday night ugly sweater party (Thursday). And those are just the events I can remember without subjecting myself to the torture that is reliving the moments I told my chosen fam that it’s a no for me. 

Honestly, this isn’t a new thing. I’ve been making excuses, canceling, or (most recently) throwing out “thanks, but I can’ts!” since I graduated college and permanently separated from my herd of never-not-together gal pals. It took me a while, but I eventually learned that I am a creature who needs solitude, snacks, and reality TV to feel alive enough to contribute to society.

[Doing too much? Reset your mindset by signing up for Wondermind’s 7-Day Do-Less Challenge!]

And while some part of me definitely knew that back in my early twenties, I never actually realized that this was an acceptable thing to say out loud until…very recently. If you are also a person who frequently passes on plans—or aspires to—for whatever reason (a demanding job, a demanding family, chronic pain) but worries about never being invited again, I see you. I am you. And I think my recent revelation might help you too. Please join me on this journey. 

“I’m the worst,” an origin story.

The year was 2013, FOMO was a feeling but not an actual word in the dictionary yet, and I was fresh out of college working a dream job (no, really!) that sucked the life out of me between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. I was also very broke. Low on energy and tequila budget, I started making a habit of “faking sick” when my amazing, fun, hilarious, 10/10 friends would send “wanna go out tonight?” texts. 

It didn’t help that by 7 p.m. on any given Thursday or Friday night, I was either just thinking about leaving work, mid-commute dreaming about the boxed mac ‘n’ cheese awaiting me, or knee-deep in noodles and sweatpants (though, let it be known the pants were fully on). 

Alas, I didn’t have the strength to just say, “Hey, I’m really tired and mildly dead inside. Can’t make it.” Instead, I’d make up colds, stomach things, or feelings of impending illness. Their “feel better!” responses were a relief, but something deep in my reptile brain said, Lol that was actually sarcasm and they’re never inviting you out again. 

So it was time to add another strategy to my how-do-I-keep-my-friends-but-not-go-to-this-thing toolkit. Thus, the “I just need advance notice” technique was born. By my mid-20s, people started to notice that I didn’t always have the stamina to do life like I was in my mid-20s. So it got a little easier to admit that I’m just a “big” “planner” who likes to mentally prepare for a night out. We’d laugh, agree, and then the invite for next weekend would come. Sometimes I’d make it. But a lot of the time, I’d find a way to cancel that day so I could sit in the dark and recharge my lifeless brain with Housewives and maybe even do my laundry. While I did feel great come Sunday night, part of me still worried that these friends would soon put me on their why-bother list. 

Behold, a pandemic priority shift.

As life happened, I acquired other excuses to decline things. I did dry January, planned a wedding over the course of 18 months (jackpot!), trained for a marathon—and then the pandemic hit. Virtual wine nights? Hell yeah! Zoom trivia? You bet your Lycra-covered ass! Turns out, having the party come to me was the way I was meant to socialize. 

But when my people felt safe enough to start hanging IRL again, it wasn’t uncommon for someone who wasn’t me to flake out for a COVID scare or just because. I started to notice that no one was written off for it. And you couldn’t blame anyone for doing them: We were living through one of the most emotionally draining times in the history of our lives—were we really going to stop asking people to spend time with us because they needed a minute? 

Before the pandemic, I didn’t expect my friends to understand that, even though I adore them, I couldn’t always prioritize hang time above downtime for my brain. So saying, “Can’t make it out tonight, but thanks!” felt more like, “I don’t really need this friendship; see ya never!” That’s why an excuse like running 15 miles or not drinking in January felt so much easier to explain than admitting that I just didn’t want to come out and play. 

The pandemic and the entirety of 2020 (well, and 2021, and also 2022) changed a lot of us—including your girl. We started to consider whether our lives were sustainable and realized “taking a mental health day” is a legit reason to cancel just about everything and spend the day going through our mail wearing fuzzy socks. 

The worst-case scenario that’s actually fine.

That said, the fear of being labeled “the one who’s always a no” is real—and sitting it out over and over can eventually keep you off of some guest lists. It’s true. But another thing I learned during These Times is that the people who love you for the adorable homebody you are won’t go anywhere. Sure, my friends who hit the clurb don’t call me on a Thursday to join in. But our Sunday brunch dates are just as fulfilling. (Though, I do fully intend to rock a bodycon in some strobe lights one of these days—with advanced notice!) 

It’s not a perfect science, but over the last couple of years, I’ve found that responding to an invite by letting the loves of my life know that I’m truly, honestly so happy to be included helps us both feel better. Even if this day/time/week/year isn’t going to work, I’m letting them know that it’s not them, it’s my need to be a potato. And staying connected via White Lotus memes, weird voice memos, and other digital gestures of affection makes the times we can get together IRL feel less few and far between. 

Listen, I do not have the cure for FOMO, and almost 10 years since my faking-sick-like-Karen-Smith days, I still feel guilty when I have to tell someone I love that I just can’t. But that angry gremlin living in my head is a little more satisfied by the noodles and downtime than it used to be, and I’m happy for them.

The post I’m Going to Decline Your Invite, But Please Keep Inviting Me appeared first on Wondermind.