Pro Tips Link Copied 03.06.25

10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure

1) You are fun and cool. 2) These hacks are gonna make you believe that. ByLauren Del Turco Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

Whether you’re feeling insecure about your outfit or your face or that thing you said in a meeting, we get it. Insecurity can pop up in response to pretty much anything, says therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. And while we’d love to tell you how to stop being insecure for good, that’s not totally realistic (since new insecurities can pop up at any time). But you can learn to better manage this feeling when it surfaces and boost your self-esteem. 

So, what exactly is insecurity? Basically, it’s when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself, according to the American Psychological Association. And, it’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”

You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. “Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”

Just think about when you didn’t apply to a job that you may have gotten—all because you doubted yourself—or you skipped a networking event because you’ve always been convinced your small talk sucks. 

Insecurity may be screwing with your ability to live up to your full potential, but you’re not a lost cause, we promise! With the expert-backed tips ahead, you can reframe negative thoughts and build self-confidence so insecurity doesn’t cut so deep.

Remember, it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can  learn to cope better when you’re feeling insecure. Here’s how.

1. Allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole.

“Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. So instead of dismissing them, it can be helpful to use them as “signals” indicating areas of your life that could use some TLC. For example, if doubting your abilities is getting in the way of your novel-writing goals, dig deeper to see what could be triggering this idea that you’re not good enough. What’s the worst thing people could think or say about your writing? What importance does that have to you? Turning towards the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.

2. Find the lesson in comparison.

You can’t just turn off your brain when you see an IG post about the dream house someone landed (that’s also your  dream house). But, when you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” it’s important to put things in perspective.

There are two things you can do to reframe those comparison woes. Instead of ruminating over living in a shitty one-bedroom apartment while your high school acquaintance is flooding your feed with beautiful HGTV-style videos of their new home, take a beat. That’s insecurity talking! Then, think about this: You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when their updates are coming from social media, notes Trepp. Sure, they may be living in a house that you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture, she says.  

The other thing you can do is use your comparison—and insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this stuff trying to tell you? Sure, you envy this person. But feeling insecure perhaps tells you what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.

3. Don’t let criticism crush you.

Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger for some. In cases like this, Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally. 

Let’s see this in action: Maybe your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. For starters, you don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean, says Trepp. It may not even be about you!

Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback, Trepp suggests. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it), can help you feel a little more capable. 

4. Prove your insecurity wrong.

This may seem scary, but actually doing things that make you feel insecure can help build up your confidence in yourself, says Trepp. “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went. We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”

You don’t have to dive right into the deep end, though. You can start slow, says Trepp. Let’s say you’re feeling insecure about public speaking. You sweat a lot, you stutter a bit, and you’re easily distracted. It’s not for you, but you wish it was. You don’t have to give a TED Talk; work your way up to super intimidating situations. Maybe you tell a group of coworkers you barely know about something you did over the weekend. Then, you pitch a new marketing plan in front of your boss. Then, you go to a small slam poetry event. You got this!

5. Flip the script on self-talk.

Insecurity can fuel negative self-talk. So when the not-so-nice inner dialogue gets going (see: Why does everyone hate me?), fight back by considering whether the opposite is true. “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me,” suggests licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD. 

“This also works with career insecurity or applying to jobs,” Dr. Hayes says. “Instead of ruminating on all the reasons you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you are a good fit: I have relevant background or education, I work well on teams, I have passion for this field, I learn quickly and with enthusiasm.” This swap basically lets your brain know that there are sunnier possibilities than the ones it tends to imagine when you’re feeling insecure.

6. Start asking questions.

When insecurity stands in between you and making a decision, therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends asking yourself a series of questions that can guide you in the direction that’s truly right for you. Let’s say you’re considering quitting your job, breaking up with your partner, or becoming a nudist.

First question: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true, deep desires, Shabazz says. So this is your opportunity to bust through that wall.

Second question: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If your Aunt Karen judging you is at the root of your insecurity about fulfilling your true passion of joining a nudist colony, well, you’re keeping your clothes on for a rather lame reason, no?

Question number three: How is this choice beneficial for me? If you can, literally list out how said decision would benefit you or be detrimental to you, Shabazz suggests. It’s a good (and quick) reality check about whether you’re avoiding doing something that would be good for you just because you want to avoid discomfort. 

Last Q: Is following (or ignoring) what I want to do going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? If going back to school to be a librarian would make your life better down the line, even if you feel insecure about actually making the move right now, you know you’d be selling yourself short by chickening out.

7. Check in with your people. 

When insecurity is really cramping your style, check in with someone close to you for a gut check—and a healthy dose of reassurance. “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.  

When you can’t get that TLC right this second (if only your mom could vouch for you during your annual work review), Dr. Hayes recommends using a grounding technique that can help you tap into the love they’d offer you. Place your feet on the ground and feel the connection, knowing that it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on. Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you. It’s a simple exercise for feeling more self-assured. 

Side note (but related note): If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make  you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, since that might be hard, but you can set boundaries, she says. For example, if your friend’s partner not-so-subtly interrogates you about your life choices all the time, maybe only agree to see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer. If your coworker you’ve been getting happy hour with has said some questionable comments about what you eat, maybe stick to a work-only relationship.

8. Remind your body that you’re good.

Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles,” suggests Dr. Hayes. This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm.

9. Take note of the positives.

Just as intentionally jotting down things you’re grateful for can help you feel more gratitude, writing down anything that challenges your insecurities (like self-love affirmations) can help you feel more at ease with yourself over time. Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on reassuring experiences from the day, as well as any positive feedback you received from a friend, partner, colleague, or whomever. Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral.

10. Explore the root of the issue.

If you want to stop being so insecure, you have to figure out where this feeling is coming from. “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”

Typically, therapy is the ideal container in which to explore how your upbringing and life experiences shaped the things you feel insecure about, she says. If you don’t have access to individual therapy, though, Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on what you believe about yourself, how that’s changed over time, and when you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself. “Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes. 

The post 10 Therapist-Approved Tips for When You’re Feeling Insecure appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.28.25

What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?

Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you. ByLauren Del Turco

We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling. 

If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one. 

Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?

But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now. 

Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it. 

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy. 

Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.

Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban. 

Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.

Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban. 

And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate. 

Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says. 

How to stop stonewalling.

If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says. 

Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.

Notice when it’s happening.

Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says. 

On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.

While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.

Communicate that you need a minute.

If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.

Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same. 

Take a (helpful) break.

Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds. 

Share your feelings.

After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part. 

If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says. 

So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe. 

Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.

Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle. 

Seek support if you need it.

If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.

How to deal if someone is stonewalling you. 

When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.

Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next. 

Make some space.

It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing. 

Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse. 

But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.

You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.

Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.

Tend to yourself.

As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.

Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.

Come back to the convo.

After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real. 

Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you. 

Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says. 

If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!

The post What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists

So hard. So necessary. ByLauren Del Turco

It’s hard to apologize. Whether you’re not used to doing it, trying to find the perfect way to make amends, or struggling to take accountability, acknowledging that you messed up sucks.

Plus, if you’re scared of seeing yourself in a negative light or letting others in on your mistakes, apologizing can be extra triggering, says Amalia Miralrío, LMSW, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling. 

You might believe admitting fault is evidence that you’re a bad person who’s undeserving of attention or love. That’s especially true if you weren’t allowed to make mistakes growing up, adds licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD. 

If you can relate, remember apologizing is a skill that builds healthier relationships with yourself and others. Over time, you’ll learn that it’s OK to screw up and admit fault. Doing so might even lead to deeper connections with those you care about most. Which, yeah, sounds pretty good. 

You don’t even have to apologize perfectly, says Dr. Shumway. “It’s about intention,” he explains. “What matters most is showing the other person you’re willing to take responsibility and repair the relationship.”

No matter what you’re apologizing for, the goal is to have an open heart and mind—and prove that you care, Dr. Shumway says. In other words, you don’t need the perfect tone or even a script to apologize effectively, he says. 

With that in mind, here’s what you do need to express your regret, make amends, and move forward in a sincere way. You got this! 

Consider your motives

If your goal is to make this problem go away, you’re doing it wrong. Like we said, apologizing is about acknowledging that you messed up and that you care about the person you hurt.

So, if you’re trying to fast-forward through some conflict by owning up to something that wasn’t your fault (it happens) or saying sorry when you’re not, do not pass go. 

Dr. Shumway says those motives can make your delivery seem insincere (maybe? because? it is?). “A meaningful apology comes from caring about the other person and wanting to repair the relationship,” he adds. 

Get grounded.

It’s understandable if the idea of apologizing freaks you out. While that’s not an excuse to avoid fessing up, taking a sec to remind yourself it’s safe before diving in might be warranted.

When your heart is racing or you start to sweat, getting present can help you find some calm, says Dr. Shumway. If you’re into affirmations, tell yourself, “Even though this feels awkward, I will be proud of myself for doing the right thing,” Dr. Shumway suggests. You could also try, “People appreciate when I hold myself accountable.”

If those phrases aren’t doing it for you, a mindfulness exercise might. Try box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Another option, look around you and name as many things as you can see. 

Once you’re feeling mostly normal again, you’re ready to go. 

Ditch the caveats.

Again, if you’re not prepared to take full accountability for your actions, you’re not ready to apologize.

But if you’re prepared to say you’re sorry with your chest, you’ll need to drop any excuses. Unfortunately, anything that starts with, “I’m sorry, but,” is not a genuine apology, says Dr. Shumway. 

When you chase your apology with, “But you knew that would set me off,” or “But I’ve been so stressed lately,” you’re not accepting total responsibility for what you did or said. 

Same goes if your apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way,” says Miralrío. In both cases, you’re side-stepping ownership. That doesn’t reassure the other person that you actually see the harm you caused or that you won’t do it again. 

In the end, the best way to convey your humility, sincerity, and maturity is to say, “I’m sorry.” The only thing you should be tacking on is the behavior you regret and why you regret it. That’s it. “It’s a simple but powerful way to open the door to repair,” Dr. Shumway adds.

Create a plan of action—and share it.

A top-notch apology also involves changing your behavior to avoid that shit from happening again. This shows the other person that you’re serious about making things better, says Dr. Shumway. 

So think about what you could have done differently before you apologize. Maybe you plan to abstain from judgmental comments about your brother’s new girlfriend. Or perhaps you get better about setting reminders so you’re not late to dinner so often. If you’re not sure what to do, ask the other person how they’d like you to make things right. 

Whether you’re asking for their input or figuring it out yourself, expressing a way to move forward shows them you’re serious about turning this situation around, says Dr. Shumway.

Make space for their feelings.

After you’ve thoroughly apologized and planned to make it right, it’s time to hear the other person out. This is one of the most critical parts of making amends, says Dr. Shumway. 

You can ask, “What do you think about all of that?” or, “Is there anything you’d like to share?” Then, listen without interrupting or defending yourself, says Dr. Shumway. It’s not always easy, but proving you can take feedback when you mess up can deepen relationships over time. It also builds trust. 

This is the perfect moment to use your active listening skills. Listen without planning a rebuttal, make eye contact to show you’re paying attention, repeat what you heard them say, and ask if you’ve got it right. If something doesn’t make sense, it’s OK to ask questions, just keep an open mind.

Let go of the outcome

I’m sorry to tell you this, but apologizing doesn’t reset a relationship. And while it’s very understandable to hope the discomfort of this whole situation disappears after you say your piece, that probably won’t happen.

“There’s no guarantee what will happen in the relationship after the apology,” says Miralrío. It’s very possible that the thing you’re apologizing for was too much for the other person. Or they just need more time, space, or communication before they can move forward, says Dr. Shumway. “Be patient and respectful of their process,” he adds.

Even without the promise of a happy ending though, apologizing is important for everyone involved. The point isn’t to fix things right now but to show up for yourself and the other person. That’s all you can control in the end.

The post The Right Way to Apologize, According to Therapists appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.12.24

Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal

It’s like trying to fight off a fire-breathing dragon with a pair of tweezers. ByLauren Del Turco

If you feel like you’ve been on the verge of losing your shit for, I don’t know, the last month or so, welcome to the club. Our impossibly short fuse can’t handle one more panic-inducing headline or racist comment from Grandpa Joe. According to the youth (and social media), we’re all seconds away from “crashing out.” 

For the uninitiated, crashing out—at least this version of the phrase—means losing your shit in a big, impulsive, or reckless way. It’s flipping a table when someone tells you to pay attention (IYKYK). It’s sporadically quitting your job without a backup plan because you just can’t anymore. It’s throwing a drink in someone’s face after they insult you. 

The trend is likely a reflection of how some people (or all people?) are grappling with feelings of overwhelm, burnout, and exhaustion right now, says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “The fact that it is a viral trend speaks volumes about the collective state of mental wellbeing,” says Estrin. Yikes.

If the state of the world, your on-again-off-again relationship, holiday family drama, or end-of-year expectations have pushed you over the edge, you might relate to that crashing-out feeling. Here’s more about what that means and, most importantly, how to deal.

What does crashing out really mean? 

The experience isn’t a new one. “Essentially, crashing out is when you get so overwhelmed that you stop thinking about consequences and just react,” explains Alo Johnston, LMFT. Before TikTok made this thing a thing, you’d probably refer to that feeling as “losing it” or “snapping.” It’s the same deal, just a new name.

Simply put, when you’re so overwhelmed or triggered that you do something impulsive or irrational, you’re crashing out, says Estrin. However a crash plays out, it generally starts like this: An event, situation, thought, or something else brings up intense emotions. You feel completely out of control, then you lash out or act out in response. 

Basically half the internet claims to be crashing out right now, and they’re probably not wrong. That’s because crashing-out behavior can take a lot of forms. Sometimes it’s self-destructive but relatively tame, like staying up all night to watch a show. But it could also be more serious, like quitting your job on the fly or throwing a punch. All of these count!

JSYK, the term is also used in the bipolar community to describe the transition from a high-energy manic episode to a depressive period, says Estrin. That said, most people in your feed likely aren’t using it that way, Estrin adds.

Why do we crash out?

Crashing out is more than just getting mad or upset, it’s a full-on system overload in which, “a single event or trigger, or the build-up of multiple events or triggers, overwhelms your capacity to cope, self-soothe, and process your emotions,” explains Johnston.

But what causes a crash-out depends on the person experiencing it. “Often, unresolved inner wounds—like trauma—or unmet emotional needs are exposed by specific situations,” explains Estrin. “Beneath the surface, it’s a mix of external triggers and inner vulnerabilities coming to a head.”

The thing that sets you off might be a mystery until it happens, but when it does, it can shed some light on the parts of you that need some TLC, says Estrin. If you find that certain situations provoke a big reaction, you can use that info to investigate what might be behind this emotional response, she says. It’s possible you might find something like a fear of abandonment, rejection, or inferiority that needs to be processed a bit more, Estrin explains.

If you can’t Nancy Drew your way to a clear pattern, crashing out in itself is a solid sign that you’re feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, Johnston notes. When you’re hanging on by a thread and a double espresso, “anything that causes an emotional reaction could be the thing that pushes you over the edge,” he says. In other words, it’s a warning worth taking seriously.

What to do if you’re currently (or on the verge of) crashing out

Based on the number of people sharing their breakdowns on the interwebs, you’re in good company. Here’s what to do the next time you’re seeing red.

1. Get out of your brain and into your body.

Ration and logic won’t do much for you if you’re slipping into a crash-out, says Johnston. The volume of your emotions is turned up too high to think your way out of the panic, rage, hopelessness, or whatever feeling has you on edge.

Your best bet here is to ground into your body, the experts agree. That could look like a few minutes of deep breathing (inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six) or focusing on something you can see, hear, touch, or smell until you feel more present. Holding an ice cube or taking a cold shower is effective too, Johnston says. Whatever route you take, getting back into the present moment “offers an intense enough sensory experience (without being dangerous) to disrupt the crash-out and allow you to eventually get back to other kinds of problem-solving,” he explains.

2. Punch a pillow (yeah, really).

If you’re shifting into Hulk mode, take it out on a pillow. “This can help you let go of pent-up physical energy and process your emotions in a way that will not harm you or someone else,” Estrin says. Feel a little weird about doing that? Don’t! Although many of us were taught that anger and frustration are bad, there is no shame in them. Fully feeling and expressing those aggressive emotions is totally fine with the right outlet, she explains.

3. Take a walk.

Throwing on your sneakers and busting out the door can keep you from completely spiraling, Estrin says. For example, an analysis of previous research found that consistently exercising for at least four weeks reduced peoples’ blood pressure response to stressful situations. Plus, going for a walk when you’re fully on the brim of freaking out gives you a chance to take a beat before doing something you’ll regret, adds Estrin. 

4. Talk it out or write down what you’re feeling.

Naming your emotions can be a powerful first step in releasing their white-knuckle grip on you, says Estrin. When you’re feeling unhinged, jot it down in a journal, vent to a friend, or just mentally note that you’re spiraling. 

If you’re not even sure what you’re feeling, take a peek at a feelings wheel, adds Estrin. This is a visual tool that looks like a giant circle divided up into slices (check out this one from Gloria Willcox, PhD). Therapists sometimes use these to help their clients ID what’s going on for them. At the center, you’ll find the overarching categories of emotions, the ones you’re probably most familiar with. As you move outward, the feels get more specific. So, start at the center and work your way out until you’ve found the ones that are most relevant to you. 

5. Get cozy.

Crashing out might leave you feeling pretty powerless, but helping your body feel safe by soothing your system can help with that, says Johnston. What feels most chill will vary from person to person, so ask yourself what your body needs. It could be a long hug or cuddle from someone you love or crawling under a pile of blankets to watch Love Actually for the thousandth time. Warming up something comforting like soup or cocoa works too! 

6. Set some boundaries.

OK, save this one for the post-crash-out period. Once you’ve emerged from your cave, audit the factors that contributed to you losing it. Then, use those observations to create some boundaries that will keep you from getting pulled under again, Johnston suggests. That might look like setting strict limits on how much news you read, letting your brother know you absolutely will not discuss politics with him, or scheduling time to make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving enough. 

7. Call in reinforcements.

If crashing out is just another Tuesday for you, consider it a not-so-subtle nudge to check in with a mental health professional, the experts say. “Doing so can help you uncover underlying issues such as trauma, stress, or unmet needs,” Estrin explains. From there, you can work together to build out your menu of go-to coping skills and see yourself out of the crash-out trend.

The post Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.02.24

13 Signs a Relationship Is Abusive

72 missed calls on your night out? Let’s talk. ByLauren Del Turco

If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) for anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, or visit thehotline.org.

We all have a friend who’s consistently navigating drama with their partner (maybe you’re the friend). While that’s not fun for them or your group chat, it can be very hard to tell if those patterns of behavior are salvageable conflicts or signs of an abusive relationship. 

Sometimes physical abuse can be more obvious (arguments or intense emotions should never result in physical restriction or anyone putting their hands on you), but emotional abuse, along with verbal, digital, and financial, might go unnoticed or feel like a gray area, suggests licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, a member of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee.

Plus, our background and the way we were raised can influence what behavior we see as normal in relationships, Dr. Howes adds. For example, if your family’s version of a conversation growing up involved shouting, you might not think much when your partner is screaming about the importance of dishwasher organization. 

The other thing about abuse is that it tends to escalate slowly over time. At first, you might write off minor displays of jealousy or control as drama or passion, suggests psychotherapist Thomas Vance, PhD, also a member of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. By the time things become more intense, guilt, shame, and fear can make it harder to get out of the relationship.

While there’s no excuse for any kind of abuse, it often happens when one partner’s desire for power and control drives them to act out, Dr. Vance explains. That might be more likely if they have a history of trauma or mental health issues or learned abusive behaviors from their caregivers, he adds.

With those basics in mind, we asked Dr. Vance and Dr. Howes for the signs of an abusive relationship, whether it’s the one you’re in now, a past experience, or you’re looking out for someone else. Here’s what to watch for and what to do next. 

1. They physically hurt you.

You probably already know this is bad, but it bears repeating: “Any form of physical aggression, from pushing and shoving to more severe forms of violence is abuse,” Dr. Vance says. It’s normal to feel angry—and even to express your anger verbally (as long as it comes out as “I’m really angry about this” and not “you’re a flaming piece of trash”), but it’s not acceptable to physically inflict pain or control as a way to express anger. 

2. They make you feel bad about yourself.

This is Emotional Abuse 101 right here. A healthy relationship makes you feel your best; an abusive one hacks away at your self-esteem. 

The destruction of your confidence can take a few different forms, according to Dr. Howes. An emotionally abusive partner might give you the cold shoulder, talk down to you, or criticize you. If it happens often enough or you take it to heart, it counts as abuse. Saying they need some alone time to process a fight is one thing; pretending you don’t exist for days is another.  

3. They get sketchy about money.

No matter how much you hate a budget or struggle with financial anxiety, it’s never cool for your partner to control your bank accounts, restrict your access to money, or punish you for spending money, the experts agree. They might play it off as, Oh, don’t worry, I’ll handle the finances, as if they’re doing you a favor, while expecting you to ask permission to buy things. Even changing your online banking passwords can turn into financial abuse. 

4. Hanging out with certain people makes them mad.

Listen, sometimes your partner just doesn’t love all of your friends and fam. It happens! And it’s even pretty reasonable to not want someone to keep hanging out with their ex. But that’s a very different thing than demanding that you stop spending time with important people in your life or pressuring you to unfollow people on social media they feel threatened by, suggests Dr. Howes. Any effort to isolate you or control who you interact with is a big red flag. 

Look out for any sentiments that sound like, You don’t need them, you have me, suggests Dr. Vance. In a healthy relationship, your partner won’t want to be your only go-to.  

5. Disagreements consistently escalate

We’ve all gotten a little too heated in an argument at some point or another. To be human is to fuck up. That said, if conflicts always turn into screaming or aggressive insults, you’ve crossed into verbal abuse territory, Dr. Vance notes. 

6. You feel pressured in bed.

Some forms of sexual abuse—like being outright forced into sexual acts—are pretty clear. But that’s not always the case. When partners withhold affection, support, or any interaction until you engage with them sexually, that’s sexual abuse too, says Dr. Vance. A loving relationship is consensual, not transactional—period. 

7. They use your phone as a tool for control.

We all deserve peace and privacy on our devices. So if the person you’re seeing goes through your phone or somehow gets into your DMs, that’s a form of digital abuse, says Dr. Vance. 

Digital abuse also looks like 72 missed calls when you’re out with your friends (harassment), constantly checking your location (stalking), or leaving hateful comments on your social media pages (bullying). 

8. You don’t believe your own experiences.

When you speak up about things feeling off or that their behavior is not OK, it’s common to be dismissed by an abusive partner, says Dr. Howes. They may try to convince you that your perception or experience isn’t true (see these gaslighting examples). How can you be mad at them for something they swear they didn’t say? 

They might also attempt to minimize bad behavior so they can keep engaging in abusive actions (or even level up the abuse), adds Dr. Howes. For example, they might have raged in your face last night but the next morning described the incident as them simply “getting annoyed,” suggests Dr. Howes.

If you suspect they’re trying to make you question your reality, look out for these phrases.

• “It wasn’t really that bad.”
• “You’re making that up.”
• “No, that’s not what happened.”
• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

9. The relationship seems stuck in a vicious cycle.

Turns out, abusive relationships typically operate in a pretty predictable pattern, Dr. Howes says. Tension builds until drama explodes in some sort of incident. Then, your partner begs for your forgiveness and promises to do better. (This part often feels genuine.) The victim wants to believe the abuser and forgives them. For a while, whether it’s days or months, everything seems fine. Inevitably, though, tension starts creeping up and the whole cycle repeats, explains Dr. Howes. It’s a nasty cycle, really.

10. They get hardcore defensive.

Because no one enjoys admitting they’re wrong, it’s normal to feel defensive when you’re called out. But when it happens in abusive relationships, an abusive partner will quickly shift the blame back to you, says Dr. Howes. “They may briefly acknowledge their bad behavior but turn it around to something you did—sometimes even linking the two,” he explains.

Sure, they screamed at you in the middle of Target, but it was only because you said that thing you know sets them off. You caused them to get upset, and they’re blameless. Of course, the truth is, only they can control their behaviors or how they express their feelings. 

Though this get-out-of-accountability-quick scheme isn’t healthy, it might not always indicate abuse. So be cautious about labeling a relationship based on this factor alone. 

11. They want to know where you are all the time.

Even when we’re in serious relationships with someone, we should have the freedom to move however we want without interference. If your partner wants to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing all the time, that’s a good indicator something is off, says Dr. Vance. 

You are a fully functioning grown-up (well, at least as much as any of us are), and you’re allowed to make your own choices without the threat of harm or punishment. 

12. The jealousy is out of pocket.

It feels good to be wanted, but there’s a difference between being adored and being treated like someone’s property. 

When your partner is constantly suspicious that you’re interested in other people or that someone else could swoop in and intercept you at any second, that’s not healthy. And the more disproportionate their response is compared to the event they’re upset about, the more likely you’re experiencing abuse, says Dr. Vance. 

Say you Like an Instagram post from a high school classmate you haven’t seen IRL in 15 years. If your partner rants about how you’re probably having a physical or emotional affair with them, that’s a red flag. 

13. They scare you into doing what they want.

Threats are always a sign of abuse because they’re meant to control you. Sometimes those threats are made against you, like saying they’ll slash your tires if they find out you were with your friends last night. But they could also threaten to hurt themselves. Either way, these are a massive signal that something is very wrong. 

What To Do If You Suspect Abuse

It’s hard enough to break up with someone when you’ve only been on two dates and had one horrendous makeout. So it’s understandable if you feel overwhelmed about exiting an abusive relationship (or helping someone else do the same). 

That’s why the first step is to reach out for help, Dr. Howes and Dr. Vance agree. That might be a licensed therapist, family member or friend you trust, or even a domestic violence hotline (The Hotline provides all sorts of resources for people trying to leave any kind of abusive relationship). 

Those outside perspectives can help you better understand your dynamic and provide the support you’ll need to leave the relationship—or get legal protection, if necessary.

You might also consider joining a support group, suggests Dr. Vance. (A therapist can help with this.) Connecting with others who’ve been through similar situations can validate everything you’ve experienced—especially if you’re still questioning whether it’s all in your head. 

The post 13 Signs a Relationship Is Abusive appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.24.24

Here’s Why You Keep Having Drama With Your Friends

Don’t be mad…but it might be you. ByLauren Del Turco

Maybe you’ve noticed certain friends (or maybe you?) always have beef with others in the group chat, fantasy football league, or Slack channel. If that has you wondering, Am I the drama? consider this your unofficial support group/intervention. 

Here’s the thing: For the most part, friendship conflict is normal, says Minaa B., LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles. Generally speaking, if you have a good friend, at some point, you and that friend will have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, she explains. It happens!

Maybe it’s not flipping-tables level—or maybe it is, IDK your life—but if that conflict involves gossip, ignoring or minimizing an issue, constant arguments, or unspoken expectations, it’s become a dysfunctional-level of drama, says Minaa B.

Same goes if the conflicts never go away, mess with how you function, or make you feel annoyed with your friend or the group as a whole (whether you’re the perpetrator or not), says Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. 

So, if you’re ready to take a good hard look at those relationships—including your part in them—here are some possible reasons why your friend drama is on repeat and what to do next.

One of you is growing.

Personal evolution has a funny way of throwing a wrench into your relationships. Positive changes, like setting boundaries, prioritizing self-compassion, or even drinking less, can feel like a personal attack to friends who can’t relate.

Maybe you’re trying to avoid social burnout, so you cancel plans and spend your morning hurkle durkle-ing instead of recovering from a hangxiety. Whatever the case, these shifts in your values can trigger complicated feelings in friends who may have expectations or see you in a certain way, says Dr. Zuckerman. While their response can vary a lot, the consequences are ultimately the same: drama.

That might look like a nine-minute voice note about how you’ve changed, one of those “K,” texts, or gossiping behind your back. Not fun. 

If you’re the one evolving, you might be judgey too. In your new era, you might have a harder time accepting your friends as they are, says Minaa B. Expressing those feelings, consciously or not, pretty much guarantees some sort of divide. 

For what it’s worth, personal growth sometimes means walking away from certain relationships—and that’s OK. But, if you want to maintain those bonds, you need to “honor people for who they are and assess their strengths instead of focusing on their weaknesses,” Minaa B. says.

They’ve gotten too comfortable.

Most of the time, people don’t fully let their guard down until they feel safe in a friendship. Usually that’s once they’re already in deep, says Dr. Zuckerman. So it’s not uncommon for some to keep not-so-great behaviors or habits under wraps till it seems like the coast is clear. 

By the time you’ve clocked hours on each others’ couches, their passive-aggressive behavior, trauma dumping, neediness, or jealousy might start slipping out. At that point, those unhinged actions can feel like they’re coming out of nowhere and spark many an argument (or just an active group chat they’re not invited to join).

Those new behaviors could also progress into abusive ones, adds Dr. Zuckerman. If you notice they’re extremely passive aggressive, making demands without reciprocating effort, giving you the silent treatment, or isolating you from others, those are red flags, says Dr. Zuckerman. This stuff is never normal or healthy. So, if you can, reach out to people you trust for help ending this friendship. 

When their antics are more annoying than abusive, ask your friend if the two of you can be more open about what you need. How they respond will let you know whether your relationship is headed for less dramatic days or not, says licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD, the chief clinical officer of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy.

If they’re up for candid communication, you might use I statements to let them know how their actions make you feel. You can try, “When you leave passive-aggressive sticky notes on the fridge, I feel confused about whether you’re upset with me or not.” Or, “When you don’t ask me about my life during our conversations, I feel like you’re not interested in how I’m feeling.” See how it goes! 

You’ve accepted their mess.

Sometimes their freak is on display from the start—and, for one reason or another, you choose to ignore it or put up with it, suggests Minaa B. Sometimes that happens because you’re willing to let a few unsavory aspects of a prospective friend slide. 

Other times, those messy, problematic behaviors feel soothingly familiar, so you accept them as normal and fine, Dr. Zuckerman explains. “As human beings, we crave order, structure, and familiarity—even if it’s unhealthy,” she adds. “Being able to predict what comes next gives us a sense of control.”

Again, if you notice any signs of abuse (like the ones listed above), it’s time to get some help and see yourself out. If that’s not the case but you still want to change up the dynamic, ask them if they’re willing to chat about your feelings and what you need for this friendship to continue going forward. Use those I statements! 

Your attachment style is showing.

ICYMI, attachment styles are based on a psychological theory that suggests the way you felt in your earliest relationships with your caregivers impacts relationships throughout your life—including your friendships.

The idea is that when caregivers quickly respond to a child’s needs, it teaches them that people can be trusted, the world is safe, and they’re deserving of unconditional love. Then, that baby grows up to be a securely attached adult, according to the American Psychological Association.

But if those weren’t the lessons you took away from childhood, for whatever reason, you might develop an insecure attachment style, like avoidant attachment or anxious attachment. These can make it harder for you to maintain healthy friendships. 

With an avoidant attachment style, you might respond to disagreements by withdrawing, ghosting, or actively distracting yourself from the problem, says Dr. Shumway. Those avoidant behaviors aren’t really productive—and can even make things worse. 

Same goes for those with an anxious attachment style, adds Dr. Shumway. With this one, you might find yourself asking, “Are you mad at me?” way too often,  reflexively people-pleasing, and gossiping about others to build closeness, he explains. Those habits can easily cause drama with your friends. 

Sometimes our patterns are so perfectly mismatched that all hell breaks loose, says Dr. Zuckerman. Say you’re anxiously attached and have an avoidantly attached friend. Even though it’s no one’s fault, you might feel unappreciated or unwanted while they feel smothered or overwhelmed, Dr. Zuckerman explains. Whether it all bubbles up to the surface or not, you’ve got some drama on your hands. 

To troubleshoot, you’ll need to lean into some uncomfortable honesty, Dr. Shumway says. “Our culture discourages people from being open and honest with one another to protect feelings and or avoid conflict,” he says. “But if you want healthy relationships in which people can express feedback from a place of positive intent, you need to be transparent.” This will help you better manage conflict.

So invite them to share their feelings about your relationship and gently express yours. Again, those I statements will come in handy here. 

Maybe…you’re the problem.

There is a chance that you’re just drawn to dramatic people, it’s true. But there’s also a chance you’re the source of drama, adds Dr. Shumway. So take a (compassionate!) look in the mirror. If there’s chaos in all of your friend groups or you have trouble sustaining friendships in general, it’s time to reflect on the part you play, says Minaa B. 

While journaling can help you get some clarity, working with a mental health pro will enable you to dig deeper into the source of your friendship drama. They can also help you navigate those hard convos with friends as issues come up or end friendships that aren’t a good fit anymore (or never were).

“As we go through life, it’s normal and expected to gain and lose friendships,” Dr. Zuckerman says. But, by examining how you show up in platonic relationships, you can keep more healthy, long-lasting bonds along the way.

The post Here’s Why You Keep Having Drama With Your Friends appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.08.24

How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything

Free joy available here while supplies last! ByLauren Del Turco

When you’re feeling lost or frustrated or stuck (or all of the above), it can be hard to find joy in life. Sometimes life sucks and that’s just where you’re at—whether your job is going nowhere, your dating life is laughable, or you’re reeling from setback after setback. When this happens, it can feel like there’s no possible way to get happy again. 

First of all, that scenario is totally normal. Garbage, but normal. In fact, our brains are pretty much wired to latch onto negative information, according to positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, MD, author of Everyday Vitality. At some point, this may have been helpful to our ancestors, who needed to be on edge about lions or extra concerned about fitting in to avoid banishment from their clan—but it’s definitely less than ideal when you’re just trying to get through the day without hating where you are in life.

And, second, the currently awful state of affairs in your life likely isn’t going to be your forever reality. It might be hard to believe right now, but you can baby-step your way out of the “I hate everything” hole and even feel good (gasp) about your current circumstances and where you’re headed. Here’s how.

1. Drop the pressure to be happy all the time.

Let’s clear something up right now: No one feels constantly amazing, and we’re actually not meant to. “Culturally, we’ve developed this sense that if we’re not happy or stress-free all the time, there’s something wrong with us,” Dr. Boardman says.

Like we said, it’s natural to feel sad, angry, worried, down, or like life sucks in general. The issue isn’t the fact that we feel these emotions but how we perceive them, says clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD, who specializes in helping people live according to their values. If you see any negative emotions as a sign of personal failure, you could feel ashamed on top of everything else. So pressuring yourself to be happy all the time actually makes you feel so much worse, she explains. 

By giving emotions that aren’t pure bliss a seat at the table instead of avoiding them, you’ll likely feel a lot less worn down. Repeat after us: It is OK to feel shitty.

2. Mine your misery for helpful info.

Once you get a little comfier with these not-ideal feels, you can start to see them as internal flashing traffic signs giving you some helpful direction.

On the most basic level, feeling like you hate everything (especially if it happens often) could indicate that your negativity filter is stuck in the on position, says Dr. Stern. If that’s the case, your inner world could likely use an assist in the form of self-compassion, self-care strategies, or a mental health pro to help you find a better balance between positive and critical thinking. (Just a heads up, it could also be a sign that you’re dealing with dysthymia, a long-term depression that’s usually considered milder than an episode of major depression.)

Of course, those feelings could also be indicators that something in your life desperately needs tweaking. When you feel like nothing makes you happy, take the opportunity to do some auditing, suggests Dr. Stern. Try to drill down to what feels the most wrong and what it says about the things that are important to you. If there’s a mismatch between your actual circumstances and your values, that’s info you can use. 

Say you’re feeling left out. It could indicate that close platonic relationships are a big deal to you. So, with that in mind, think about what you can do to prioritize those connections. Maybe it’s chiming in on the dormant group chat or sending a meme to the friend it reminded you of. See if you can kick off a new habit that makes friendship a bigger part of your everyday life. 

3. Do a reality check.

When you’re stuck in a negativity spiral, challenging your perspective can help too. Dr. Boardman loves using an exercise created by Martin Seligsman, PhD, director of the positive psychology center at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Start by imagining the worst-case outcome of whatever’s bringing you down. If your relationship just went up in flames and you’re scared you’ll be alone forever, picture your 70-year-old self surrounded by cats featured on an episode of Hoarders. 

Next, indulge yourself in the absolute best-case scenario, she says. Maybe you go all Eat, Pray, Love, meet someone amazing while stuffing your face with pizza in Italy, and live happily ever after. 

Then, find the middle ground. Yeah, maybe you’ll be single for a while. But you don’t even like cats and are OK with meeting the right person later instead of the wrong person right now—even if a whirlwind European romance isn’t in the cards. 

Silly as this exercise might seem when you’re in a funk, it can help you consider that your worst fears may be somewhat unrealistic, Dr. Boardman explains.

4. Take baby steps toward solving a bigger problem.

Weirdly, we often get stuck in the mud of our own misery because it’s easier to say, “Welp, everything sucks,” than do something about it, explains Dr. Boardman. If you feel called out, don’t judge yourself, but get curious: Are there things you can do to feel better that you’re avoiding? (Hint: Probably.)

Consider this your cue to come up with one or two concrete steps you can take (they can be so small!) to make the puzzle pieces of your life fit better. Maybe you don’t take on an extra work project right now, or you carve out 10 minutes for that hobby you love, or you reschedule a hang with a friend who’s been draining your energy, Dr. Stern says. These aren’t dramatic changes, but they might be the tiny shifts you need to make progress toward a happier existence. 

Plus, caring for yourself in non-fancy ways can give you a sense of authority over your life when everything feels like shit. Deciding to do the healthiest thing for yourself now (silence your phone after 9 p.m., don’t start that next episode on Netflix before bed, don’t skip dinner because you’re tired) can go a long way, Dr. Boardman says.

If you’re not sure where to start, think about your basic human needs that aren’t being met and how you can fix that. Feeling worn out? Check your bedtime and the last time you ate something that fueled you. You might find that the solution to your crummy mindset is easier to solve than you thought.

5. Do some good.

No judgment, but negativity ruts have a funny way of making you pretty self-absorbed, says Dr. Boardman. But even if you’re constantly comparing yourself to your seemingly super-happy friends, feel absolutely miserable at work or generally down bad about life, you’re not a selfish person. 

That said, shifting your focus from your life to others’ is a great way to climb out of a “woe is me” cave. “It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s one of the best antidotes we have when we’re in a dark place,” Dr. Boardman says.

It doesn’t have to be anything major. Pick up some garbage in your neighborhood the next time you’re out or help a neighbor carry their groceries inside. Itty-bitty good deeds can really make life feel slightly sunnier.

6. Call for backup.

When things feel bleak, you might want to isolate, cancel plans, or keep your business to yourself, but doing the opposite can shift the vibes. “We have this idea that happiness comes from within, and that it’s all about the individual,” says Dr. Boardman. Humans are social creatures, and it’s OK to need others. In fact, leaning on your friends and community is probably your ticket out of Everything Sucksville. 

So, as you’re finding little ways to show up for others, give your people a chance to show up for you! Ask yourself: “Who can you reach out to to navigate this challenge?” Dr. Boardman suggests. “Check in with a trusted friend or family member who is balanced, helpful, and supportive,” agrees Dr. Stern. “A bit of venting and a lot of problem-solving can pull you out of a cloudy, I-hate-everything storm.” Chances are, they’ve been there, too.

The post How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything appeared first on Wondermind.