Pro Tips Link Copied 04.04.24

How to Become an Actually Good Communicator

It sounds easy, but… ByJay Deitcher

If you’ve ever applied for a job or downloaded Hinge, you’ve probably heard people say something like, “I’m looking for someone with good communication skills.” That quality is rightfully put on a pedestal—after all, nobody wants to deal with passive-aggressive coworkers or be the couple fighting in The Cheesecake Factory.

But what even counts as effective communication? Is it just saying whatever’s on your mind? Asking, “Are you mad at me?” to anyone who’s remotely distant? Firing off texts as fast as the youths? Not quite.

Here’s the basic premise: Healthy communication looks like being honest about your feelings and sharing them at the right time and place. “It’s a skill just like anything else we learn,” says licensed psychologist Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, host of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast and author of Sisterhood Heals. 

Effective communication also means listening to understand—not just to react. When you approach your interactions with effective communication skills, you’re better equipped to navigate relationship hurdles, reduce anxiety, and build trust with others, Dr. Harden Bradford explains. 

So if you or someone who shall not be named has been sweeping issues under the rug, glossing over emotions, or feeling disconnected, try these therapist-backed ways to communicate like a pro. They’ll help you build stronger relationships with anyone (even your office nemesis).

1. Don’t read minds or assume people can read yours.

As nice as it would be for others to (occasionally) supernaturally know what you’re thinking and predict your needs, most people don’t have that talent. When you assume people know how you’re feeling or vice versa, it can lead to disagreements, unmet needs, and resentment, Dr. Harden Bradford explains. 

To avoid those scenarios, check in with yourself before interacting with others. If delivering deliverables at work has you feeling off, don’t assume the next person you speak to already knows you’re stressing. 

When you’re engaging with someone who seems a bit uneasy, asking questions is a good way to show you’re invested and want to get to the bottom of any issue, Dr. Harden Bradford says. You could try something like, “I’m not sure what happened, but I think our dynamic is off. Does that match how you’re feeling?” Or a simple, “You don’t seem like your usual self today. Is everything OK?” can work. When you address the elephant in the room and give people space to respond truthfully, it’s easier to communicate from there. 

2. Tune in to your nonverbal cues. 

Our body language often signals more than we realize, Dr. Harden Bradford says. Sometimes that sends a mixed message to whomever we’re spending time with. For example, if you’re on a date or even at a networking event, yawning, checking the time, and crossing your arms can make you seem closed off—even if you just don’t know what to do with your hands.

While you don’t need to be self-conscious of every move you make, some awareness of your body and facial expressions can go a long way to prevent miscommunication. When you’re trying to convey interest or indicate that you’re listening, sit slightly leaned in, face whoever is talking, and throw in a nod to show the person you’re paying attention, says therapist Ahvegyil Skolnick, LCSW. (This goes for both in-person and virtual interactions.)

3. Make some space for unfamiliar communication styles.

When you meet someone new, keep in mind that there are different communication norms across cultures, Dr. Harden Bradford says. For some groups, interrupting conversations is a no-no. In others, butting in to ask questions shows you’re invested in someone’s story. 

There can also be differences in people’s abilities to read non-verbal communication or express themselves with body language, Dr. Harden Bradford explains. For example, some people struggle to make eye contact, but that doesn’t mean they’re purposefully being rude.

So, when you connect with new people, try to keep an open mind about how they physically or verbally respond, Dr. Harden Bradford says. In a perfect world, everyone would follow these tips and be super clear about what they mean, but that’s not how it works. If you’re confused about their actions or what they’re trying to express, ask questions, she adds.

4. Listen, then reflect.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever gone into a conversation ready to give a 10-point breakdown of why you’re right and they’re an idiot. As sweet as victory may feel, that defensive communication style isn’t helping anyone—not even you. 

When you prioritize impulsive reactions over thoughtful reflection and responses, you’re not trying to understand why someone did what they did or why they feel a certain way, Dr. Harden Bradford says. Ultimately, you could end up in a similar disagreement down the road because you didn’t learn from the previous encounter, says Skolnick. 

Plus, the other person could feel so shut down by your monologue and rapid-fire rebuttals that they don’t even want to open up to you anymore. 

To avoid the tit-for-tat and show you understand, slow things down by explaining that you really want to make sure you’re both being heard and understood, says Skolnick. Then, start modeling how to do that by allowing them to talk first while you listen. 

After they’re done talking, rephrase what they said so they (and you) know you got the gist, and then use that knowledge to inform your response, Dr. Harden Bradford says. That’s part of ~active listening.~

If they struggle and interrupt you, just give gentle reminders that you’re hoping they will show the same respect you showed them, says Skolnick. Feeling heard, especially when triggered, helps diffuse tension.

5. Pause and set a date to circle back.

Most conversations, especially heated ones, are not one-shot deals, so you don’t have to air everything out at once. “A lot of times we find ourselves in these emotionally driven conversations, and we don’t say the thing we wanted to say,” Dr. Harden Bradford explains. 

So if things are getting out of control or you feel like you’re hitting a wall, ask if you can put a pin in it for now. “There’s nothing wrong with going back to that person when you’re calmer and saying, ‘Hey, I just want to follow up on our previous conversation,’” Dr. Harden Bradford adds.

6. Consider your timing. 

Saving difficult chats (like confronting a friend who didn’t pay you back for the Airbnb) for the right time and place can do wonders for whatever relationship you’re trying to salvage, Dr. Harden Bradford says.

If you or the other person are already tired, cranky, or going through some other shit, forcing a tough conversation could lead to a big blowup and/or one of you feeling piled on, Skolnick adds. “Table heavier topics for when you both have energy and time to process and reflect meaningfully,” she continues. 

When someone comes at you at the worst possible time, ask to postpone the convo by saying you’re not in the right headspace and this probably won’t be healthy or effective, says psychiatrist and researcher Ryan Sultan, MD. Then, if you have the bandwidth, you can collect your thoughts and brainstorm any solutions ahead of your chat, Dr. Sultan says.

7. Think about who’s around.

You’ll also want to keep tough talks private, which means no squabbling in front of your kiddos, another coworker, or some mutual friends, says Skolnick. When you’re mindful about where you approach someone, you can avoid outside influences and any extreme reactions inspired by that audience. 

Just imagine how embarrassed your partner (who you love) would be if you said they don’t help with childcare in front of your opinionated in-laws. Or how defensive your quiet-quitting coworker would be if you called them out in front of the intern. 

8. Use your words when you can.

As evidenced by mindlessly overused ellipses that make texts from your parents feel like hostile, personal attacks, texting doesn’t always get the point across. It really can cause miscommunication.

That’s because even if you and the other person always have the perfect emoji to sum up your feelings, sending a message doesn’t convey a tone of voice or body language. So, you miss a lot of context. That void often leaves room for easily avoidable misunderstandings and confusion in even the most mundane interaction, Dr. Sultan says. 

If a text or email convo makes you feel triggered or confused, Dr. Sultan recommends asking to have the conversation IRL or over the phone so you can grasp what’s being said and how. To take a time-out, Dr. Sultan suggests asking, “Is it possible to talk on the phone about this? I don’t fully understand everything you’re trying to say. Does that work for you? Here’s when I’m free.” 

9. Be direct. 

Sometimes it’s easier and less anxiety-inducing to drop little hints about your feelings instead of diving into what’s really going on, Dr. Harden Bradford says. Maybe you’re guilty of sighing, “I guess I’ll take out the trash….again,” to your roommate. Or, you know, testing your partner with the orange peel theory instead of saying you aren’t getting your needs met. But if you don’t address the person who made you feel some type of way, whoever it is, you risk being passive-aggressive (never good)—and they might not even catch on.

This tip is easier said than done, but being direct and speaking up “goes further in preserving our relationships than beating around the bush,” Dr. Harden Bradford says.

You can start by acknowledging how awkward this is and using “I feel” statements to avoid sounding too accusatory, Skolnick suggests. Try: “Hey, this is really uncomfortable for me to say, but I think it’s important to discuss the housework. I feel like I shoulder a lot of the chores and could use more help. Can we talk about how we split the tasks?” 

It’s possible the other person gets upset, sad, or embarrassed, but remind them that you are being straightforward because you want to work on a solution—not call them out. 

10. Thank people for having deep convos. 

Whether it’s a confrontation or not, getting vulnerable by sharing what’s on your mind isn’t easy. And when the person you’re talking to is willing to push through the awkwardness and support you, that’s a big deal and should be acknowledged. 

To express your gratitude, thank whoever was there for you by explaining how much you appreciate them and that you’d like to keep an open line of communication, Dr. Harden Bradford says. You could say something like, “I want to thank you for talking with me about ____. It wasn’t easy to share, but I’m grateful you were there to listen. I hope I can be there for you in the future too.” 

If someone confided in you, thanking them for being upfront shows what kind of interactions you value and encourages them to continue being honest with you. All major wins!

The bottom line: Good communication may not come naturally to everyone. But with time and practice, it could become one of your greatest skills, and you can even show others how to be better communicators too.

The post How to Become an Actually Good Communicator appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.18.24

5 Therapist Tips for Men Who Basically Have No Close Friends

No shame if you need to bookmark this. ByJay Deitcher

Building deep friendships isn’t easy for anyone, but when you’re a cisgender, heterosexual man, getting emotionally close to a friend might seem especially tricky. If you can relate, welcome to the club. Many of us struggle to create compassionate, vulnerable friendships—especially with other dudes. 

You should know this isn’t a personal failure though. In reality, the scarcity of close friendships among guys is likely a result of subscribing to a culture that’s historically valued stoicism and individualism in men, says psychologist Henry Ortiz, PsyD. 

Until very recently, pop culture portrayed the ideal cis straight man as a glorified loner who stifles emotions. He’s a provider who pulls himself up by his bootstraps and would never admit he cares for others or wants their attention. He’s a dude who prefers to get rowdy, watch sports, and brag about dominating others at work and in bed. 

Even if you don’t buy into that brand of toxic masculinity and know that close, platonic relationships would benefit your life, you might worry that trying to connect with other men on a deeper level sets you up to be made fun of. Oftentimes, other men are afraid to admit they want this kind of support too, says psychotherapist and life coach Corey Yeager, PhD. Many of us have been trained through our interactions with peers (“you’re too sensitive”) to keep things surface-level with other guys. It can feel a lot safer than breaking social norms. 

So we end up sticking to the status quo: We pretend everything is fine or focus on general life updates, sports, and great movies in social situations. And we don’t leave much room for conversations that start with, “My family is exhausting me,” or “My boss is toxic.” 

But having supportive buds improves our lives and makes us feel good. “We’re social animals,” Dr. Ortiz says. “Relationships give us a sense of belonging.” If you’re open and honest about what’s going on in your life, a close friend can serve as the first line of defense when you’re struggling, Dr. Yeager says. They allow you to release some of the anxiety or other uncomfy emotions caused by your everyday struggles, he adds. 

If you’re up for fostering deep friendships, here are five therapist-backed tips for building a stronger inner circle and challenging the cultural norm around male friendships. 

1. Sift through your existing friendships.

Even though you may feel alone, odds are you’ve got at least a few friends who’d be willing to go deeper with you. To find them, you’ll need to do a quick audit to get a sense of who you’ve outgrown (your high school mutual friend), who might be better as a surface-level connection (your new work buddy), and who has close friend potential. 

Fact is, you can’t have a deep friendship with everyone in your life—and acquaintances are still important. But if you have at least one guy in your life you can trust and share intimate details with, that’s your sign he could become a closer friend, Dr. Yeager adds. 

To kick off your audit, think about each person and whether your values and interests align. Do their problematic social media posts make you cringe? Do they make you feel insecure? Do you feel like you don’t have much in common? Those are signs this friendship isn’t a great place for growth, explains Dr. Ortiz. 

The people you could get closer to are the ones who inspire you to be better. They might be the guys who already know intimate details about your past, who have overcome similar struggles, or who share similar dreams. 

Overall, the goal is to find a healthy mix of acquaintances, surface-level pals, and close friends to bring balance to your life and help you feel more connected and less lonely.

2. Create opportunities to broaden your circle.

If you need to go out and make new friends from scratch, put yourself in settings that will prompt interactions with people who hold whatever traits you respect and value. It can be at the library if you want a crew that’s well-read, a social club if you want them to be outgoing, an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting if you want them to live a sober lifestyle, or a volunteer program if you want them to be empathetic. You could also hit up the gym, a professional meetup, a concert, or a game. 

At the end of the day, many of us are more isolated than we care to admit, so let that give you confidence to spread your wings. It may be uncomfortable to strike up conversations with people you don’t know, but it all starts with asking someone how they’re doing, Dr. Yeager says. 

If the chit-chat is flowing with another dude, throw out an invite to chill down the line, saying, “Man, I’d love to hear more about your work.” You could even ask, “Down to catch the next game together? or “Wanna keep talking over some pizza?” It’s not wildly different from dating, but admitting you want to hang out again takes courage, especially in a society that tells men they aren’t supposed to seek platonic companionship, Dr. Yeager says. So give yourself some grace if you’re nervous, feel ashamed, or even strike out a few times.

3. Cultivate the friendship you want. 

When you aren’t used to being so open and don’t know how someone will react, try to embrace vulnerability and let the good dudes know you appreciate them and want to spend more time with them, Dr. Ortiz says. By doing that, you’re basically exemplifying the kind of friend you’d like them to be in return. From there, see who responds in a positive way and who doesn’t. That’ll enable you to foster the friendships with the most potential.

Try texting someone, asking, “What’s up? Anything decent going on this weekend?” which tells them that you’re thinking about them even if they didn’t expect you to. The friends who get back to you in caring ways are the ones you can grow closer to. 

That said, there’s a fine line between pushing too hard and not pushing enough, Dr. Yeager says. Obviously, you don’t want to keep texting someone who didn’t reply to your first message. We’re not trying to love bomb our new friend or make them think we have nothing better to do. If you don’t get a response, wait a few days before checking in again, perhaps with a suggestion of what you guys could do when you hang so they know what they’re signing up for. You’re giving them space without letting the friendship vibes fizzle out. 

4. Test the waters by talking about your feelings.  

Don’t worry, you can ease into being vulnerable, Dr. Ortiz says. If you meet a bud to watch pro wrestling, don’t unload every trauma you’ve ever been through on them mid-match. Instead, share a little something that’s been bothering you during commercials or during the worst match. If that feels strange, you can even address the elephant in the room and preface the convo by saying something like, “I hope you don’t think it’s weird to open up about things like this, but I could use someone to talk to. I’m stressing about _____, and I value your opinion.” 

Then, wait for their reaction and remember that not every dude will handle this well. Still that doesn’t mean you should abandon all hope of having meaningful friendships. “The ones who respond poorly are probably not the folks that you want to have as close friends anyway,” Dr. Ortiz says. 

If they respond to you putting yourself out there in a meh way, you could say you think guys should be able to talk about their feelings with their friends—or how it sucks that more dudes don’t think that they can. You could even turn it into a joke, asking them if every guy is supposed to just watch sports and scratch their balls all day.

If your friend doesn’t have the capacity to question the ways society has boxed them in or hold space for you, change the subject. If they get defensive or rude, say, “I think I better go,” and make your exit. When you replay these convos later on in your mind, remember that you’re not out of pocket for wanting more support.

Now, if someone responds in a way that makes you feel seen by asking questions about your situation and listening with compassion, that’s a great sign this friendship has the qualities you’re looking for, Dr. Ortiz says.

5. Stay positive and accept that rejection is part of the game.

If your buddy doesn’t return your call, you may assume you messed up by opening up to them or you were too sensitive—but try not to make negative assumptions like that, Dr. Yeager encourages. Though you might feel weird about vulnerability now, it’s a positive step toward building a solid connection over the long term. Also, there are plenty of reasons why they didn’t respond in a way that reassured you that you’re good. Maybe their life is an actual shitshow. 

The other truth is: Not everyone is meant to be your friend, and not every friendship is meant to last forever, Dr. Yeager says. If a connection doesn’t happen, it’s not a reflection of you or your personality. “It’s really about, does [this friendship] fit for both parties? And is the timing right for both parties? If the answer to any part of that is no, then it just may not work,” he says. 

To ease any sense of rejection, keep in mind that “even if it doesn’t work out, [you] get to apply what you learned to the next friendship,” Dr. Yeager adds. Trust, there are plenty of other folks who would love to be your friend.

The post 5 Therapist Tips for Men Who Basically Have No Close Friends appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 01.17.24

11 Helpful Ways to Deal With Grief

From people who get it. ByJay Deitcher

If you’ve ever lost a parent, friend, or pet, you know the whole grieving thing can throw you for a loop. A song can trigger memories of when they were still around. Or you might lose it when you realize you can’t send those silly “this is you” DMs to them anymore. 

Despite what some (misguided) folks might say, moving on doesn’t simply take time. “When a person dies, physically they’re not there, but spiritually, they still are. You’re still tethered to them through love,” says Mekel Harris, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and the author of Relaxing Into the Pain: My Journey Into Grief & Beyond. 

Though you might’ve heard about the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—grieving doesn’t follow a specific order or timeline, Dr. Harris says. Because of that, there’s also no one-size-fits-all way to cope, making loss tricky to process. 

Still, making space to engage with anger, denial, depression, or whatever part of grief you’re feeling can help you work through it. “It’s not that grief minimizes or shrinks, but your perspective and your perception of it can change over time,” Dr. Harris says. 

Here, we spoke to a bunch of people who found ways to sit with their loss by taking action, shifting their mindset, or honoring their loss in a helpful way—plus a few ideas from therapists. Keep reading for coping strategies that honor your loved ones and help you work through a loss. 

1. Share stories about them. 

“When my best friend Alyssa died in 2017, a lot of her friends reached out to me—people I’d never met or even heard her talk about. They all wanted me to share stories about her with them so they could have something to hold on to, so I asked for the same. It was like writing a storybook about a girl through different perspectives and lived experiences.

About a month after she died, [one guy] told me he met Alyssa while she was on a road trip. He sent me a video of their day together, and it made me cry instantly. It was my friend navigating a seemingly innocuous day with someone she didn’t know well. She was so spirited, so curious, the way one is when hitting it off with a stranger.” —Mary M.K., 40

2. Create a holiday in their memory. 

“This ritual gives you some control in a situation that leaves so little of it. [The holiday to celebrate them] can be any day of the year, not just their deathiversary or anniversary of a diagnosis or any other difficult date. That can lessen the emotional charge of those days too.

One of my good friends created something called the Dave Johns Memorial Big Mac Day in honor of her dad, who loved McDonald’s. Each year on his birthday, she asks friends to eat or drink something decadent in his memory and post about it on social media. The best part? This way of connecting with her father ended up becoming something fun and communal that makes her feel a lot less alone.” —Rebecca Soffer, author of The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience

3. Tap into the things they loved. 

“Dad was a rebel, and he wouldn’t have wanted a stuffy service. Instead, we held a gathering at a local pub that my dad loved. We invited everyone from the community because he owned a comic book shop, where people felt at home and able to be themselves, for over 30 years. At the event, we had a table where people could grab stuff he had lying around the store: Green Lantern rings, Free Comic Book Day lanyards. That way, people could take something to remember him.” —Nick G. 38

4. Create a living memorial. 

“In the military, many of us create spaces designated to honor our fallen. Unlike national memorials, these spaces evolve as friends of fallen service members leave things that remind them of the person who passed.” —psychologist Tanya S. Crabb, PsyD

5. Communicate with your guilt. 

“Often when someone dies, we’re flooded with the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve of what we wish we had said or done differently. I help my clients acknowledge and recognize what they feel and get curious. What is the guilt trying to communicate to you? Knowing that can guide you in how to cope. Do you need to write a letter to the person who has passed? Is there someone in common that you need to share your feelings with? Do you want to reflect on parts of yourself that you’d like to change to shift your relationships with the people who are still in your life?” —therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST

6. Do the things you used to do together.

“My dog Piggy wasn’t just a service dog—he was my BFF for over 10 years and my shield against sensory overload. Together, we volunteered at schools for special needs and high-risk children. We even created a curriculum based around his life as a three-legged rescue dog to inspire the kids we worked with. When he passed in 2020, I expected that continuing would be too painful. But over time, my work with the non-profit I co-founded in his name evolved into disability work, making sure everyone has a chance to experience the world, like Piggy did for me. It’s still hard to picture life without him, but doing things I know would make him smile helps me smile again.” —Tod E., 48

7. Plant a tree. 

“In Russian, which I speak, the word for ‘fig’ is a euphemism for ‘get lost,’ so I used to joke that I wanted a fig tree planted by my grave. When my dog died unexpectedly, I was inconsolable, and my mom suggested I plant a tree at her grave. I was comforted knowing that life continues from death.” —Veida L., 28

8. Remember fallen friends as honored guests. 

“A tradition we have in the military is continuing to include our fallen in our ceremonies, almost as honored guests. Every formal function I have attended has had a Prisoner of War/Missing in Action table. Often, it’s a round table set with a white tablecloth, a single candle, a single red rose in a vase, and a plate with a lemon and pinch of salt. Everything is symbolic. The round table shows that our concern never ends. The lemon represents their bitter fate, and the salt represents the tears shed by their families. It’s a powerful acknowledgment of those we lost. In that way, our missing are included and never forgotten.” —Tanya S. Crabb, PsyD

9. Give prayer a shot. 

“When my dad died suddenly at the age of 82, I felt alone. I talked to someone in my 12-step program about it, and she told me to pray for my dad. I didn’t understand much about spirituality or a higher power, but I prayed and envisioned my dad going higher into heaven. Praying felt like sending him love and helped me realize that a higher power was always with me. When my sister later died unexpectedly, I knew a higher power would care for us.” —Jane S., 72

10. Write letters to them. 

“Often, accepting the idea that our loved one is not a part of our future can be some of the most difficult work in the healing journey. If you miss someone, you can write letters to them, keeping them updated about what is going on in the world. You can also imagine what their responses would sound like. It can serve as a transition. If you are used to speaking with someone every night, letters allow you to have those conversations as you transition into life without the person.”—therapist Ahvegyil Skolnick, LCSW

11. Continue to work on your collective goals. 

“My wife died a few years ago, but I feel like I’m still in a partnership. My wife and I had plans for how we were going to turn our community into something wonderful for everyone. The plan has not become mine alone; it has continued to be ours, and the decisions that I make now are based on the ideas that we had together. Her story ended, but our mission continues.” —Robert K. 63

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 11 Helpful Ways to Deal With Grief appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 08.22.23

19 Surprising Ways People Dealt With Their Loneliness

If joining an intramural team sounds like torture, this is for you. ByJay Deitcher

Whether your circle is smaller than you’d like or you feel distant and disconnected even when you are surrounded by people, loneliness can strike at any time, any place. And recent stats show that a bunch of us are feeling like we’re rolling solo through life and don’t really know how to deal with loneliness. While loneliness rates among U.S. adults have decreased since the days of lockdown, 17% of adults in the country (that’s nearly 44 million people) are still feeling lonely pretty much every day, according to 2023 data collected by the Gallup National Health and Well-Being Index. And young adults and people from lower-income households tend to feel this the most. Yup, we’re in what Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy, MD, calls an “epidemic of loneliness.” 

So it’s not all that surprising that TikTok videos about “deep loneliness” are flooding your For You page and racking up millions of views. While not actually a clinical term, the viral rise of “deep loneliness” seems to be a trendy way to talk about what therapists like to call chronic loneliness, says Nikki Coleman, PhD, a psychologist and relationship expert. Feelings of chronic loneliness or “deep loneliness,” as some are calling it, is when you can’t shake that lonely feeling and it hangs around for weeks, months, or even longer. It typically stems from being emotionally disconnected from others and can make you feel misunderstood and like you lack meaningful relationships or intimacy, Dr. Coleman adds. 

Even though loneliness is common and understandable, it’s not spoken about enough, which Dr. Coleman says could be contributing to the popularity of these “deep loneliness” vids. In the spirit of normalizing these convos, we’ve gathered stories from people who can relate to feeling lonely. And while loneliness is a universal experience, learning how to cope with it might take a more personalized approach. So, here are some clever ways people learned to deal with their loneliness.  

1. Find comfort and validation in books.  

“I’ve always felt disconnected from people—even family and close friends. I often wonder, Do they actually like me or are they just being polite? One thing that has helped me with feeling lonely was reading young-adult (YA) fiction and fanfiction. A lot of YA books have characters experiencing shifts in identity, and the way they come to accept themselves taught me to do the same. Fanfiction writers often put their own mental health struggles into their stories, so reading them made me feel understood, and I knew I wasn’t alone. Many of their characters attain happiness at the end, which also gives me hope. When I have empathy for characters, it helps me have empathy for myself.” —Elena P., 27

2. Try a confidence-building solo hobby. 

“After a divorce and the pandemic hitting, I packed the car to the gills, and my girls and I moved from our apartment in Westchester to upstate New York, seeking fresh air away from the suffocating city. The life of a single mother in rural territory with no family in the region was incredibly lonely. Small decisions like whether to shop, whether to rotate the tires, whether to renew insurance led to decision fatigue. I had no one to complain to.

It took a while to get used to the isolation, but I developed a fierce resiliency. I cranked a gas-powered generator. I stacked the firewood. I couldn’t believe how capable I was. The foremost thing I did to combat the loneliness was set up an archery range on my property. The repetitive motion is therapeutic, and the skill-building gives a sense of mastery. It’s been my salve. While my family and I do visit a local indoor range for group lessons and also have shot at a club with others, I prefer shooting solo at home.” —Michelle L., 49

3. Keep multiple coping tools in your self-care kit. 

“I’ve never felt more lonely than I did during the pandemic. Being isolated from my friends and family for almost two years straight took a massive toll and left me feeling like I was completely and totally alone. During the peak of the pandemic, I found myself leaning on internet friendships and even found an entire Discord dedicated to playing Among Us with complete strangers. As the pandemic eased, I found most of my IRL friends had moved away and that sinking feeling of loneliness rooted itself even deeper. I ended up starting medication to help ease those feelings and relied on surface-level friendships to get me through.” —Marilyn L., 29

4. Talk to yourself like a friend. 

“Having random phone calls with my dad or friends that live far away really helps remind me that life may be busy but I’m not alone. Also, I noticed I treat other people absolutely amazing but don’t do the same for myself. It may sound weird, but to battle negative self-talk when I’m lonely, I’ll talk to myself in third-person and act like I’m talking about someone else. The people pleaser in me ends up coming out, and I find motivation to do things that make me happy and realize that I’m not lonely when I have myself to love.” —Julia M., 24

5. Turn to nostalgia.

“When I was super lonely during the pandemic, I started watching comfort shows that just so happened to remind me of good times in my life. Those shows first came out during simpler times when I was in middle school and high school, and my favorite one to re-watch was The Vampire Diaries. Epic, I know! Steamy romance and supernatural hotties that can’t die (at least not really)?! Amazing. It boiled down to just feeling happier when I soaked up all the nostalgia, which I recently learned is pretty normal. Basically, when we’re lonely, it’s human nature for us to crave nostalgic things because it makes us happy. Now that we’ve made it through the lockdowns, I still find myself looking at memorable vacay pics, watching old movies, and listening to my favorite throwback playlists when loneliness comes knocking.” —Sam B., 28

6. Do something completely out of your comfort zone. 

“I was lonely when I left my ex-husband in 2015…before I left him, to be honest. After the separation, my kids were with my ex on weekends, and I missed running around, getting ready to go places with them. I missed their loud kisses when I dropped them off at activities. I imagined all the things they were doing with their father—things I never could get him to do when we were together. I sat on my couch and watched comedies, but I couldn’t laugh. Everything made me cry.

Then I told a friend who was also a mom about my lonely weekends, and instead of taking pity on me, she screamed, ‘You mean you have a weekend night to yourself!?’ On the 20th anniversary of my wedding, my friend and I went to a silent disco, where there were two DJs playing two different sets of music, and everyone danced to different tunes in their headphones. Half of the audience were getting down to ‘Jump,’ and the other were jamming to The Grateful Dead. I laughed my ass off for the first time in a very, very long time.

After that, I realized I needed to push myself to socialize more with friends. But I also grew comfortable going out as a single woman and was even able to go to a Phish concert by myself. I had an incredible time and knew I was going to be just fine.” —Jessica A., 51

7. Connect with nature. 

“My husband and I had spent 22 years living in the same small town in New Jersey, raising our children. So not only did I know dozens, if not hundreds of people, I had known them through various life phases, from getting pregnant to seeing our children off to college. After the kids moved out and my husband landed a great job, we left for Georgia. I felt displaced, like a character who had walked onto the set of a play in which no other characters knew anything about me.

One thing that helped my loneliness was when I discovered the nearby Appalachian Trail and got into backpacking. A man I met hiking in North Carolina taught me hiking meditation. I focus on one step at a time and do a body scan as I go, emptying my mind of any distracting worries or thoughts. This teaches me to embrace the present moment. The trail has its own subculture of people, fellow backpackers, hostel owners, shuttle drivers, and I have become part of a community.” —Allison S., 60

8. Actively seek out safe spaces.  

“When I moved states to move back in with family, I felt very lonely because I was nowhere near my friends, I was working remotely, and I was in a new conservative and homogenous suburb that didn’t make me feel very welcome. Naturally, I wasn’t leaving the house very much as a result. 

When I brought this up to my therapist, who looks like me and is familiar with the area, she helped me understand the not-so-nice history of this town and how even when racism and intolerance isn’t overt, microaggressions can make us feel less-than and lonely if there’s no one you can turn to who can relate. To help me through this time and feel more connected to people who are more accepting, she encouraged me to do my errands and enjoy more outings away from my town and in the city center or touristy areas where people are a bit friendlier. Even though it is a trek to get out of this toxic bubble, it has helped me feel less alone and like there are still people who are kind and accepting and rooting for me, even if my interactions with them are fairly brief.” —Monica C.*

9. Tap into your faith or values.

“I’ve dealt with loneliness since elementary school. I was too feminine for the guys, and too much of a guy for the girls. I always had this feeling that everyone had a best friend except for me. Starting in middle school, that loneliness caused me to act out, and I used drugs and alcohol to try to create friendships.

Two years ago, I got sober and joined a 12-step group. I suddenly found myself surrounded by others who thought like me and coped like me but were now happily sober. I leaned too heavily on some friendships in early recovery, depending on them for my own happiness and serenity. After those friendships turned unhealthy, I connected more with my faith through prayer and meditation. Recently, there were many weekends where I didn’t have any plans, but I did not feel lonely. I felt spiritually grounded, no longer needing to surround myself with people to feel comfortable in my own skin. Just understanding that God is present in every part of my life, knowing that I am dependent on God and not other people, allowed me to be at peace with myself.” —Jake B.*, 23

10. Feel your feelings and look toward the future. 

“My day job as a training consultant can take me on the road for two weeks straight. Sometimes, I travel with someone, but there is no real connection other than work. Home is where I feel safe and happy, where I have my routines and my family to support me. 

Crying is part of my coping strategy. It relieves a lot of tension, and I am able to let things go. Often, after 10, 15, 20 minutes, I’ll calm down. I also use breathing techniques. I repeat to myself, ‘This loneliness and these negative feelings are not forever. This is temporary. Two more weeks, and I’m back home.’ I focus on what I look forward to. Hugging my wife. Seeing our family dog. Being able to mow the yard.” —Tommy M., 57

11. Look up. 

“Sometimes, simply sleeping helps me feel better when I’m lonely. It’s like a mental reset. Other times, I try to look up at the sky. There are almost always unique and beautiful colors in the clouds in the evening, and it really helps to ground me when I’m feeling disconnected. My plants are also like a support system for me. Nature helps a lot. —Isha J., 19

12. Think about what brought you to this moment. 

“Whenever I feel lonely, I hold my own hand and rub it to help myself acknowledge that I’m not alone and that I have my own helping hand. Then, I spend time thinking deeply about why I feel lonely and what decisions I made that might contribute to that feeling. … Loneliness stinks, but at the same time, being alone can be a blessing and opportunity for you to change your mindset and the way you view loneliness.” —Racha H., 21

13. Try an activity that has connection baked in. 

“When I’m feeling lonely, it feels like this vast numbness that is hard to pull myself out of. (I have been prone to episodes of depression and anxiety most of my life.) Cooking and baking have been ways I’ve coped.

My parents didn’t cook much when I was growing up, but I remember a couple times when my mom and I made cookies using premade dough. We added M&Ms to make the recipe our own. That stuck with me, so when I got older and moved away to college, I started cooking to connect with memories from my past. I cooked recipes others shared with me or from online, and I felt bonded to the people who came up with them. I learned people’s favorite snacks and learned about their history. 

It gets harder to make new friends as an adult, especially if you’re an adult who is introverted or neurodiverse, and cooking has helped me connect with people in person. I especially like potlucks because I bring a dish, and it’s an entryway to a conversation. I’ll eat the food a new friend brought, and it will start a discussion. ‘How did you make this?’ I’ll ask. ‘What spices did you use? Is this your recipe or a family recipe?’” —Maura L.B., 29

14. Pull up at the mall. 

“My favorite tool for dealing with loneliness is blasting music and ‘shaking it off’ by dancing. When I’m a little calmer, I go to the piano and start playing and singing what I’m feeling. I also try to reach out to someone to talk about how I’m feeling. I have one person I can be open with, and I ask them if we can do something together. It doesn’t even have to be IRL—sometimes we just FaceTime each other while we cook or do random things. … The other thing that really helps me is simply getting out of the house. It’s so easy to get lonely in your own space where nobody else is around, so I try to go somewhere I feel comfortable, like the mall or the park. Once I’m there, I notice all the people around me and think about how many of them might be feeling the same.” —Micaela M., 18

15. Look for indirect ways to connect with a part of your identity.

“Growing up, I always felt different. My last name didn’t sound like any of my classmates’ and I never saw my culture reflected in the media. My mom was always working, so I stayed home reading books about girls who didn’t look like me. During college, I met other students with similar backgrounds, and, even though I didn’t really hang out with them, I realized that I could connect to my people in other ways. I learned to cook puff puff, listened to Afrobeats, and watched Nollywood movies. I loved it all and felt less isolated.” —Victoria T.*, 33

16. Try some low-lift socializing.  

“When I feel lonely but am not exactly in the mood to reach out and talk to others, I’ll go on a walk to one of my favorite parks. Getting out in nature and being surrounded by people without having to socialize feels nice. I’ll also put on my headphones and listen to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts. It’s like having a conversation without having to actually engage in one. I end up gaining knowledge and hearing advice to help motivate myself to keep taking care of myself until my lonely feelings pass.” —Jocelyn B., 26

17. Embrace seemingly mundane tasks. 

“I’ve got my people with me, but people also are not always there. Everyone has their own lives to deal with and everyday battles to fight. So, I know how important it is to be self-sufficient and aware of how I’m feeling. As an international student, I’ve definitely felt loneliness even when I had a good circle of friends. What works for me is taking up hobbies that I work to become amazing at, which helps me feel even more fulfilled. I love to read books, paint, do Kathak (a classical Indian dance style), play guitar, and go swimming. I also like to make budgets and keep track of my finances when I’m alone. Listen, it makes me more aware of who I am and what I want to do with this life, which never hurts when I’m feeling lonely.” —Krupa B., 23

18. Take yourself on solo dates. 

“After 11 years of basically living in eating disorder treatment units, it became extremely difficult for me to connect with others in the ‘outside world’ after being removed from it for so long. All of my friends had moved on during those years and had become used to not having me around. So now I feel so disconnected and lonely most of the time. This is something that has always held me back in my recovery because it’s almost impossible to motivate yourself to do the hard, scary stuff that recovery requires if you feel like you can’t find your place or your people in this world. 

This month, I will have made it a whole year out of the hospital for the first time, and it truly is down to the fact that I have taught myself that happiness doesn’t come from being surrounded by hundreds of friends. You can absolutely be OK on your own because true contentment comes with taking care of yourself and doing what makes your heart happy. Maybe I’ll find stronger friendships in time as my recovery progresses. For now, I’ve learned that taking myself on evening walks, sitting alone by the river reading a book, or taking my wool and crochet hook to the beach by myself is actually one of the most valuable forms of therapy. I would recommend it to anyone who, like me, struggles to find where they fit in this world. Oh, and adopting a kitten obviously helped—she makes me feel like the most loved person in the world. Well, when she feels like it. She is a cat after all.” —Bex C., 29 

19. Know that it’s OK to sit with this feeling sometimes. 

“Hanging out with kids, like my nieces and nephews, always helps curb loneliness and inspires me to be present and to connect with the world in the simplest ways. That makes me feel part of a bigger picture. But also, I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely. It’s not a feeling that needs fixing necessarily. Feeling lonely has opened up conversations within myself that I need to have to understand myself more. If I hadn’t felt lonely, I wouldn’t have been pushed to talk to myself, trust myself, and hear myself again.” —Hilma L., 30

*Name has been changed.

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 19 Surprising Ways People Dealt With Their Loneliness appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 05.23.23

12 People Get Candid About Living With Addiction

If this hits close to home, you’re not alone. ByJay Deitcher

If you’ve ever consumed literally any type of media, you’ve probably been flooded with ideas of what it’s like to be an addict (looking at you, Skins and Charlie Sheen interviews). In pop culture, people with addiction issues are often portrayed as sexy, creative, and tragic all at once. You typically see stories of addiction reduced to one-dimensional cautionary tales of drug or alcohol use gone bad. Other times, addiction is glamorized as the vice of brilliant, creative people, like in nearly every biopic where a white male character falls from grace one moment and drafts a killer song the next.

In reality, addiction can look different for everyone. In my early 20s, I started using alcohol and sleeping pills to cope with the anxiety I struggled with since I was a kid. I stopped leaving my childhood bedroom and started cracking cans of malt liquor in the dark, afraid to go outside. When I used, I wanted to be that hot drunk rockstar, but I was more like the fried egg brain from the Partnership For A Drug-Free America PSA. (Yep, in my case, they were kind of on to something with those ads). 

My life revolved around the first sip each day: a flash of fire blazing through my veins, making everything alright for just a moment. As much as I wanted to turn back, I was hooked on alcohol for years and felt trapped by shame. “Many people still view addictions as simple habits that can be stopped at any point,” says therapist Jennifer Covarrubias, LMFT, clinical director at the Mental Health Center of San Diego. But, for many, addiction of any kind (even porn addiction) is a form of coping that helps people survive. And choosing to be sober can become a daily battle, she adds. “That lack of understanding perpetuates the cycle of shame and stigma surrounding addiction.”

Through the years, I began a cycle of relapses, with brief stops in hospital detoxes, and I quickly lost faith that I could ever get sober, telling myself, “Why try?” This lack of hope seeped through everything in my life: jobs, relationships, family. 

In 2006, at the age of 25, I finally gave sobriety a shot, accepting that I had no clue how to live life sober but could no longer survive drinking. I sought support in self-help groups, but it took years away from pills and alcohol before I was able to brush off my shame and hopelessness and recognize my potential.

As someone recovering from substance misuse, reading or seeing more nuanced portrayals of addiction—and different types of addiction—could have helped me feel less alone sooner. And, for the people who care about me, these honest addiction quotes might’ve helped them get a better understanding of what I was going through before I was able to explain it myself. That’s why hearing the stories of people who actually know what addiction is like can be so crucial for generating more compassion and empathy around this mental health struggle.  

Here, 11 people who faced different kinds of addictions share their journey and what the road to recovery looked like for them.

1. It was fun—until it wasn’t. 

“When I first got into gambling in my early 30s, I loved sports already, so it seemed like an awesome source of income. A lot of people don’t understand how fun gambling addiction is. It’s fun to circle games in the newspaper that you’re gonna bet on. It’s fun to delude yourself into thinking you have an edge. But eventually, it overtook my free time. My friends and I would be out with our girlfriends, and we’d be staring at a TV in the corner of the bar, not talking to people. I’d sneak to the bathroom to check scores. I’d wake up each morning and immediately pore over results. It got so consuming that when I was visiting my dad who was in the hospital for cancer surgery, I ducked out to the hospital’s public computer to place bets. On top of that, I was losing. I waited longer than I should have to say, ‘this is enough,’ but when I was around 34, I finally quit and did not look back.” —John B., 56

2. Pain relievers made me feel like a better mother. 

“I was prescribed pain relievers to recover from a C-section, and in addition to helping the pain, it helped relieve some of the symptoms from my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. About seven months later, I was in a completely different mental state. I was depressed and anxious and suicidal and homicidal. And when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, doctors gave me more pain relievers, and it just made everything seem a little more bearable. I felt like the pills allowed me to be a better mother because I felt better about myself when I was taking them. The drugs didn’t get rid of my depression and anxiety, but they made my mind feel calmer, so life felt manageable. 

Although my son was always my priority, I also had a job to find as many pills as possible. That meant I did embarrassing, horrible things like invite myself over for a playdate in order to search another parent’s medicine cabinet.

This past January, I celebrated seven years sober. Life has still been difficult, especially when I lost my sister to suicide in 2018, but I didn’t need opiates to get through. Instead, I tapped into therapy. I’ve been on medication to support my mental health, and I try hard to be present and to savor the moments I have with my kids.” —Jen S., 45

3. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. 

“I had received mixed messages growing up from my mother and my grandmother, who would tell me I had to eat, but I couldn’t eat too much. I have been put on diets since the time I was born. I felt completely unlovable, and the only solution that I had for that shame was eating. 

After my food addiction worsened, I developed high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and diabetes. My doctor wanted to put me on medications, and I had adverse reactions to those medications. Then I found a community of others working on their food addiction, and for the most part, they helped me learn to eat in a much better way. I also discovered a newfound love for working out. Maybe it’s replacing one addiction with another, the way someone replaces drinking with going to Alcoholics Anonymous, but exercising has provided such quality to my life.” —Joan P., 63

4. I was missing out on real connections. 

“As soon as I felt sadness or anything other than elation, I would find somebody to flirt with. Sex and love addicts can have unhealthy relationships, and we can create drama to escape negative feelings. When I’d meet someone I was attracted to, I’d get a jolt, like a cattle prod. I would assign magical qualities to them, and the moment they didn’t live up to that fantasy of being there for me all the time (texting me back instantly and all those unrealistic things we put on other human beings), the high wore off, the butterflies dispersed, the bottom would drop out, and I would see the real person. It was like the drug was gone, so I’d think, Who’s my next victim?

When I hit my bottom, I thought, Am I going to be on my deathbed having never fully connected to another person? I realized I was going to do this forever, and I decided I couldn’t.

There’s so much shame around being a sex and love addict, especially as a woman, but I refuse to have shame over this. Today, I’m fully connected to everyone in my life. I’ve been happily married for 18 years, and I have a son that I show up for 100% emotionally with clear boundaries. I have stable relationships with my family of origin. I have no one in my life that causes drama. I am free from the bondage of my own making. It’s a beautiful way to live, no longer using other people to complete me. I’m whole.” —Brianne D., 41

5. I sought validation on Twitter.

“When I was younger, I would have panic attacks when I didn’t have access to the internet. One day, I was away from a computer all day, attending school, visiting Ellis Island, and going to a doctor’s appointment. I was in three states in one day, and I freaked out in public because I was unable to get online. 

As a millennial and someone with autism, I get a dopamine rush from trying to speak with celebrities on social media. I often feel like I am one click away from talking with a famous movie star. … A celebrity messaged me once when my mother was dying from cancer to offer me well wishes on Twitter. Now, I’m constantly trying to repeat that interaction. Growing up with a disability was hard, and pop culture allowed me to escape. Getting validation from the people I idolized seemed to bring me into their worlds. Today, I focus on relationships with people who are part of my real life.” —Jennifer R., 26

6. I was in survival mode. 

“I grew up uber-privileged in Laguna Beach and Newport Beach, California. But all of that privilege never protected me from being molested as a child. At age 15, I began selling my body for sex—not that I needed the money, but that’s the way that trauma energy began to come out. I also became addicted to cocaine, going into survival mode. And at the same time, I became an overachiever, attending New York University and becoming a journalist. 

Eventually, I found myself getting high in the parking lot of KTLA 5, the station I worked at in Los Angeles. One night I overdosed and was found nearly dead behind a dumpster. I was in a coma for about a week. The staff wanted to call my friends and family to come to the hospital, but no one knew about my drug use. I wasn’t ready to face that reality. 

I walked out of the hospital, walked down Hollywood Boulevard, found my truck, and got high. In a matter of days, I overdosed again and ended up in the same ER, with the same team of doctors. I was shown a lot of empathy and compassion by a frontline nurse who made me promise to attend an AA meeting when I got out. My recovery journey began that day.” —Brandon L., 43

7. I was going to hurt myself or someone else.

“My mother told me to stay off the streets and not to use drugs, so I used alcohol. When you start drinking, it’s hard to believe that you could become an addict. You think because you are just having fun and everyone drinks that you will never end up like whatever drunk stereotype you concocted in your head. But once I started drinking, I didn’t want to stop. 

To fund my addiction, I started stealing credit cards and counterfeiting money orders, selling them on the black market. After getting busted by the cops, I planned to end my life to avoid the consequences. I drank two bottles, but I couldn’t do it. 

Instead, I went to a drug program. I felt like I had no other options. I needed help. I was going to hurt myself or hurt someone else. When I got to the nurses’ station, I spoke up, saying, ‘I have a drug and alcohol problem.’ Vocalizing that was part of the healing.” —Douglas C., 58

8. Smoking decided my relationships. 

“Smoking was way harder to quit than alcohol. Smoking permeates every aspect of your life. Your relationships are based on who you are smoking with next to a dumpster, and you have nothing in common with them except you are addicted. What’s really crazy is you don’t know how to interact in social situations when you don’t have a cigarette in your hand. 

Everyone knows how dangerous smoking is, and yet we continue to smoke anyway. I wouldn’t drive without my seatbelt, but my chances of dying while smoking are much higher than having a car accident. After 47 years away from smoking, I don’t even think about it anymore. Unless there’s a smoker sitting in front of me.” —Allen S., 73

9. I craved the rollercoaster of emotions. 

“From age 14, I always had a boyfriend, and it was fabulous and fun. It wasn’t until I got older that I recognized that I’m addicted to that high you get from being in love and [going through] love’s ups and downs. Sometimes when you’re upset or fighting, you feel more alive, so I would go off the deep end over anything I felt was a slight to trigger that adrenaline. 

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, but eventually, I met a great psychiatrist who [helped me]. … I did the work in therapy and treatment, and it rewired my way of relating to others. Patterns can be broken, and mine was.” —Gwen S.*

10. I had no choice but to use. 

“When I first got sober in 2008, I looked for recovery books to help me, but I never found any that were written by a woman who looked like me. And any Black woman’s story that I found included drug dens and prostitution, which are really important stories to tell, but don’t reflect my experience. From the outside, my life looked enviable. I was the parent association president at my kid’s school, and I was throwing dinner parties. But inside, I was dying.

I think there is a misconception that people choose addiction over something. The misconception might have been that I chose addiction over my children, yet if I had had any say in the matter, I would have chosen my kids over and over and over again. The addiction tricked me into believing that, without drugs, I was going to die. I understood fully that the longer I continued to indulge, the worse the pain would be when I gave it up. And yet, I was so terrified of the pain that I kept going.” —Laura C. R., 58

11. Rock bottom looked different than I expected. 

“What I’ve learned through my personal experiences and through the experience of helping others is that rock bottom is when you decide to put the shovel down and stop digging. My bottom was an emotional rock bottom. My whole family had stopped talking to me. Friends had cut me off. I was alone and looking for a way out. I was thinking about ending my life when, at that exact moment, I received a phone call from my mom telling me she wished I was home for Christmas. It helped me recognize a reason I needed to get sober, because I wanted my family back in my life.” —Pravesh P., 27 

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 12 People Get Candid About Living With Addiction appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.27.23

10 People Share Why They Quit Drinking and How It’s Going

Before I got sober, it would have helped to hear other’s stories, so I could know it was possible to live life without a drink. ByJay Deitcher

The past few years drove many of us bonkers. Cloistered away during the pandemic, lots of folks turned to booze. But others decided to cut back or stop drinking completely. Dry January and Sober October aren’t just popular hashtags—they’re alcohol-free streaks that an increasing number of people really do. According to the food and drink research firm CGA, in 2022, 35% of Americans over 21 took January off from drinking. Some picked up again in February, but tons decided to keep the ball rolling.  

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, over 14 million Americans struggle with alcohol use disorder, the fancy-schmancy term for alcoholism, or a pattern of excessive drinking that’s hard to stop despite the negative impact it has on your life. But not everyone who quits does it because they fell on their faces. Some folks stop because they don’t like the taste. Others do it for financial or health reasons. Some people stopped bar-hopping during the pandemic and realized they didn’t actually miss it. 

When I used during my late teens and early 20s, I felt as if everyone drank, but that was because I surrounded myself with folks whose lives were seemingly bigger messes than mine. I couldn’t face being around people who drank rationally or didn’t drink, because that would force me to look at myself in a way I wasn’t prepared to.

After seven years spent dropping in and out of college and destroying relationships with my family, two visits to my local drug and alcohol detox facility, and one failed rehab stint, I somehow graduated from college with a sub-2.0 GPA. Days before I turned 25, I was suddenly expected to get a “real” job and become a functioning human being. My parents—who I lived with and who paid my car insurance—threatened to yank the carpet out from under me. I had no clue how to live life sober, and I couldn’t survive on my own drunk.

I got sober with the help of other recovering alcoholics, and I still surround myself with other ex-drunks today, though I also have tons of buds who drink. Today, I have 17 years sober, and I’m actually pretty good at this life thing. I still make mistakes, but I don’t make the same ones over and over again. I repaired the relationships with my family, and even started a new family of my own, with crazy cute babies who I spend tons of time with as an at-home poppa.

Before I got sober, it would have helped for me to hear other folks’ stories, so I could know it was possible to live life without a drink. So, whether you’re thinking of quitting, cutting back, or just looking for some validation in your own sober journey, these stories from people who chose to stop drinking might help.

1. A dream told me to quit.

“I kept waking up in the middle of the night because I was hearing my name called in my sleep. It was super freaky. The final time, clear as day, I heard, ‘Stop drinking.’ My first response was, ‘I don’t drink that much as it is, but whatever.’ And then on my birthday, a few weeks later, I wasn’t necessarily planning to drink, but of course people insisted. All I had was two drinks, maybe three, but the next morning I was just completely debilitated with a hangover. I couldn’t function.  So after that, I was just like, ‘You know what, I’m just gonna go ahead and listen and not drink anymore.’

Not to say that I will never have one again, but the hangover was enough for me. At one point in my life, drinking occasionally did provide some sense of pleasure. That just hasn’t been the case lately. And I’ve seen benefits of quitting. I save money. There’s a clarity that comes with not drinking. I also don’t have to worry about either being a designated driver or being cautious enough to navigate my way home safely, because I’m not impaired in any way.” —Jordyn W., 31

2. I watched my friends going into careers and starting families while my life was out of order.

“I couldn’t keep jobs. Couldn’t keep a home. I watched all my friends going into careers and having families, and I didn’t want to live in chaos anymore. When I first got sober nine years ago, I was worried I couldn’t have fun without having a drink, but I realized I could go anywhere and, if people were drinking, I had no problem just saying I want a soda. There’s been very few people who have questioned me, saying, ‘Why don’t you drink?’ My response is always that it just doesn’t agree with me. Today, I can travel the world and actually remember my vacations. I feel like I’m enjoying things at another level.” —Maggie G, 59

3. I realized I wasn’t going to grow out of drinking.

“My uncle was a big drinker. He had gone in and out of detox a few times. On New Year’s Eve 2011, I drank with him for the first time openly. I saw how his family treated him differently. He couldn’t handle basic tasks after he got liquored up. I looked at him and realized that was going to be me. My drinking was already spiraling. It made all the choices in life for me. It picked my friends, my job, my girlfriend. I had minor car accidents. I had some arrests but didn’t have to do prison time. I was on probation, so I couldn’t travel. Every day was Groundhog Day, more chaos.

I got sober on January 2, 2012. I don’t know if it would have been possible without my awesome friends in recovery. Early in sobriety, I went on a lot of road trips, traveling to young people’s recovery events. I went on boat cruise parties where we circled Manhattan. I went to castle lock-ins for Halloween events. Going to really fucking cool sober events helped me get used to dancing sober and talking to girls sober and road tripping and vacationing sober. Now I have more than enough experience so I can go to a regular music festival or bar sober to listen to a band. I’m experiencing a human experience the way it’s meant to be lived.” —Andy B., 31

4. I watched my son go to rehab.

“I used to drink on occasion, but I made the conscious decision to quit in 2016 when my 17-year-old son went into rehab. I felt I needed to support him in his sobriety journey and be a model for him—model for all my kids, really—that you can have a good time without the influence of anything. A few years later, in January 2020, my father, who wasn’t an alcoholic, died of liver cancer. When he passed I couldn’t imagine taking another sip.

Today, it’s not so much about my son’s sobriety anymore. I can’t control his journey, but in a world where we have so little control over so many things, I have full control over my drinking.” —Amy D., 49

5. I broke into an insurance agency.

“I didn’t really plan to get sober, but then I got arrested for breaking into an insurance agency in a blackout when I was 23. I can’t remember why I did it. An organization called Honor Court in Albany, NY, advocated for me to avoid jail because I had an alcohol problem. They sent me to Alcoholics Anonymous where I found out I didn’t have to drink again. Over 20 years later, I haven’t had to make up my mind about never drinking again, but one day at a time I choose not to. I haven’t been arrested since I stopped drinking, and that’s cool. I’m able to relax a bit too, which is good stuff.” —Dan J., 44

6. I wanted to break the cycle in my family. 

“I don’t drink because I don’t want any of my future children to go through what I went through. My dad used alcohol as a crutch his entire life, and it killed him. His dad was an alcoholic too, and I want to break the cycle. I don’t think I got to the point where I depended on it, but in high school, after one of my friends died, I started using alcohol to not deal with things. I recognized where I was going to end up, so I haven’t drank since I was 18.

People often push drinks on me, saying, ‘Come on. Just have a drink.’ If I say no, that should be enough, but instead I often have to explain why I quit. Then they apologize, but why does it have to get to that?” —Ashley H., 34

7. I couldn’t be myself without a drink.

“As a kid, I didn’t really notice how my dad’s drinking affected my family. But as I got older, I started rethinking my whole childhood, realizing that his drinking is why he missed visitations, and his drinking was why people spoke negatively about him. Two or three days after he passed, when I was 26, it clicked with me. I accepted that I couldn’t go out and be myself without having a drink. I had a mentor who once told me, ‘If you are hanging out with a roomful of losers, expect to be a loser. If you’re hanging out with a roomful of millionaires, you will eventually be a millionaire.’ And that resonated with me, so I stopped hanging out with people who only hung out at bars and stopped drinking myself. Today, I can hold a conversation and people take me seriously.” —Matthew H., 31

8. I couldn’t drink moderately.

“I quit drinking a year and a half ago because I didn’t have any other options. I tried moderating. I tried doing marijuana maintenance. I tried quitting on my own. I had been in an outpatient and inpatient psychiatric facility. Job issues didn’t get me to stop. Family and friends telling me I should cut down was not enough. Being homeless wasn’t enough. The obsession always came. All I could think about was the first drink.

Luckily, I was led towards a 12-step program. It connected me to a higher power that I can turn to no matter the situation. I met other sober people around my age who gave me a life outside of just meetings and work. It’s possible. There are a lot of great young people in the program.” —Sam D.*, 23

9. I woke up in jail peeing blood.

“I woke up one day in jail not knowing how I got there. I went to use the bathroom and I urinated blood. And then I thought to myself, There’s only one reason why you’re in here, and that’s because of you. After I got out, recovering alcoholics reached out to me. They told me how they stayed sober and I learned from their experience. So today, I share my experience with others. This past Saturday, I shared my story with people in jail.” —Lou A.*, 46

10. My anxiety was all over the place.

“During the pandemic, my drinking got out of hand in an insidious way. I wasn’t crashing my car. My kids were where they needed to be. So it went on for a long time because I never hit a wall. But I realized that every time I opened a bottle of wine, I was finishing it, even if I didn’t want to. I was waking up hungover daily. I was unable to do things at the gym that I had been previously able to do. My anxiety was all over the place, and I felt depressed. I realized, Oh shit, my drinking is bad and it’s gonna keep going. And then I started drinking again, because I’m a human.

It has been hard the past two months since I stopped. When something stressful happens, I sometimes want to go home and numb things with drinking. I feel like I should put up some sort of support around myself to stay away from drinking, but I haven’t.” —Becky K., 38

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 10 People Share Why They Quit Drinking and How It’s Going appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.09.23

11 People Who Went to Couples Therapy Share What Went Down

“She wanted to start talking about marriage, a house, and kids, and I wanted to read comic books.” ByJay Deitcher

Whether you’ve been in a relationship for two, 20, or 50 years, you know that when you and your partner(s) aren’t clicking, it can be hard to know how to get back to that blissful feeling you used to share with them. And turning to your family and friends isn’t the most helpful, especially if their relationship advice leans toward the “dump them” or trash-talking variety. Luckily, couples therapy is a thing.  

It can be terrifying to accept that your relationship needs help, and jumping into couples therapy can feel like sounding the death knell on your love, exposing your utter incompatibility. But the truth is, couples therapy (which should just be called relationship therapy since not all relationships are between couples) is said to have a positive impact on 70% of people who give it a shot, according to a 2011 review of couples therapy studies.

Couples therapy can come in clutch when you struggle to broach difficult conversations in a non-soul-crushing way. Like, if your partner’s mess drives you up a wall or their annual Valentine’s Day chicken parm is getting tired, couples therapy can slide in and help you communicate in a more effective and nonjudgmental way (these questions for couples might help too!). Or if you want to talk about why your S.O. hasn’t popped the question already, couples therapy may be the move. Sitting down with a therapist can also teach you and your loved one(s) problem-solving skills and how to deal with any behavior issues, like if your partner is being possessive. But couples therapy isn’t just for when your partnership is going through it; you can also get ahead of issues by learning tools, like conflict management, to work through them early in the relationship. 

My wife and I first went to couples therapy a few years into our relationship when she wanted to start talking about marriage, a house, and kids, and I wanted to read comic books. Our first couples therapist prompted us to take turns sharing our needs and fears so we both felt heard. After I learned to express myself better, my then-girlfriend started to understand my anxiety and how I tended to think about worst-case scenarios where I built a future with her and it shattered (see: trust issues). Through these sessions, I learned to trust her faith in me and our future. Then, our therapist helped us map out a timeline for marriage; knowing what to expect helped ease some of my anxiety and build trust with my soon-to-be-wife. 

After we married, we switched therapists because of typical insurance complications that come with job changes. And about seven years ago, we met our therapy bashert (Yiddish for soulmate) who completely gets us and helps us through our low points.  

I’ve been with my wife for 13 years, and these days, we tend to go long periods without attending therapy but go back for check-ins whenever communication gets wonky, when we find ourselves stuck in a disagreement, or when life gets overwhelming. Today, we have a bunch of babies who have two loving parents that are committed to maintaining a loving household for everyone.

But you don’t just have to take my word for how great couples therapy can be. If you’re thinking about diving in, here are 10 more folks who shared why they went to couples therapy and what they gained from it.

1. Our fights were getting repetitive. 

“My husband and I entered couples therapy when we were seven years into our relationship and having the same arguments all the time. At that point, we weren’t sure if it was healthy for us to stay together. I felt like I needed him to be more serious about things, and he felt like I was taking him for granted. We were at an impasse.

I am a therapist myself, so I felt shame about going to couples therapy, thinking I should be the one who had it together. The stigma lessened because friends and others in my field started opening up to me about their experience with or interest in couples therapy; I realized everyone was going through something.

My husband and I learned a lot in therapy, like how if things are heated and a fight isn’t going anywhere, we can take a break and revisit the issue later when we can communicate our feelings, something we didn’t do before.” —Rachel B., 32

2. I wanted to learn how to support my partner. 

“My boyfriend was struggling with mental health issues and was really depressed and trying to figure out the right medication. I wanted to go to couples counseling to learn how to support him. We had both been in individual therapy for years before this, so we knew a lot about the process already. 

One thing the therapist pointed out that stuck with me is not walking on eggshells with your partner just because you believe he’s trying to cope with his own issues. You have to be able to tell him what’s bothering you without worrying about hurting his feelings. It was great talking through difficult issues and the good things with a moderator. Today, my boyfriend and I make sure everyone’s feeling fulfilled and has space to be themselves and have issues.” —David G.*, 35

3. I was flooded with jealousy. 

“My girlfriend, whom I’d been with for a couple of years, and I were fighting a lot about me feeling jealous when she talked to other guys. We thought we could use some direction because we didn’t know how to stop constantly fighting, and going to therapy made us feel brave because we were facing our problems. 

As we got deeper into couples therapy, I realized I needed to do a lot of work on myself. I started taking medication for my depression, and I went to individual therapy to process childhood trauma. 

It was tough, but couples counseling helped me accept that my ex and I weren’t the ones to fill each other’s needs; we were just in different places at the time. The therapist helped me realize that I’m worthy of having my needs met, even if my partner wasn’t capable of being the one to meet them.” —Jeff A., 46

4. We wanted to get ahead of any marital issues.

“Before my wife and I got married 10 years ago, our wedding officiant, who was also a licensed social worker, suggested we go to couples counseling to set the foundation for our future together. 

What was most beneficial was that we took the time to figure out exactly what we expected from each other and our marriage, and these conversations went beyond finances and kids. We talked about what we wanted for our future together and long-term plans, and it ended up being very therapeutic. I think it saved us from needing more therapy post-wedding.

Today, our marriage is like a house, and sometimes there’s a crack in our pipes or a hole in our wall, but we stop, talk about it, and figure it out.” —Joseph N., 43

5. I wanted to feel united before raising kids. 

“When I got pregnant, I wanted to go into the family dynamic with both of us on the same team. I wanted us to learn healthy communication skills so that when our baby arrived, we would be somewhat prepared. In couples therapy, we found out that we have different fighting styles shaped by our upbringings and generational trauma, but we both wanted to heal from our pasts. 

When our baby arrived, we learned that when we were upset, we should take space to self-soothe so we could come back in a calm, regulated state. Now, we’re able to address our issues calmly and rationally without subjecting our baby to hearing Mom and Dad arguing.” —Daphne T., 34

6. We were caught in a predictable cycle. 

“My wife and I love hard, and we fight hard. … We went to therapy because we didn’t want to have the same fights over and over again. 

I was leery of couples therapy because I’m a 44-year-old Black man married to a white woman, and we went to a therapist who was an older white man who didn’t share my lived experience. That therapy experience wasn’t stellar; I felt like he didn’t see me and that my experiences weren’t given equal weight as my wife’s. 

Even though our first experience with couples therapy was not great, some progress was made. We learned to clarify what we were saying to each other, take turns talking, and respect each other’s triggers. Just the simple act of scheduling time to work on your relationship together can have a huge effect on a couple. After each session, we would continue bonding when we hit up a local bar to play trivia. I would give therapy another shot with a different therapist.” —Lenny G., 44

7. We needed help listening to each other. 

“Trying to navigate communication challenges with one partner is difficult enough, but when you are balancing multiple relationships, like my polyamorous group, it’s best to have an outside person help work through complications so everyone can understand what everyone else is saying. 

Finding a therapist can be tough for a polymorphous group; we have to pay attention to whether that person has biases because our relationships may not look like theirs. In those first sessions, we asked, ‘Are you comfortable working with queer people? Do you know enough about asexuality? Are you comfortable working with polyamorous relationships or ethical non-monogamy?’ We lucked out because we’ve encountered therapists who are not only empathetic but also have experience as polyamorous people themselves.

My relationship includes people who have all had difficult experiences with queerness in our youth. Therapy has also been a helpful place to process our own stuff so everyone in the constellation can create a more empathetic space for the respective baggage we all carry so we can work it out.” —Cody D., 46

8. I had pretty much given up on our relationship. 

“Charlie was commitment phobic, afraid to get married. After being off and on for six years, I gave up. I told him, ‘If you don’t do therapy, I’m moving on,’ and so we broke up. Then one day, he called me to say he’d been attending therapy. He asked, ‘Will you come with me next Wednesday? My therapist wants to meet you.’

Wildly intrigued, I went with him, expecting to hear Charlie explain why he couldn’t get married yet. I basically told the therapist that if he didn’t want to get married, I wasn’t doing this. ‘But he does want to get married,’ the therapist said before helping Charlie and I make a plan to move forward, which included a November engagement. We celebrated our 26^th wedding anniversary this year.” —Sue S.

9. I thought the extra help could smooth out bumps in the road. 

“I had been doing something that was irritating my boyfriend, but he didn’t feel like he could tell me without upsetting me. When he finally told me, it felt catastrophic because this had been festering within our relationship. Despite this, we weren’t a couple who was on the brink of breaking up. I just felt therapy was going to make whatever issues we dealt with easier. 

We went to a therapist I used to go to for individual therapy, whom we both trusted. With this therapist, we practiced being transparent about our feelings instead of getting so annoyed with each other and blurting out hurtful words. We’ve been in couples counseling for about two years, and it’s interesting to see how well we deal with our issues now. It’s like, ‘Oh, this is what therapy is for.’” —Toni S.*, 43

10. We weren’t willing to give up on us. 

“It took several months to convince my boyfriend that [couples therapy] would be a good idea [because] he wasn’t used to digging into emotions. I think he finally realized we weren’t able to solve our relationship issues on our own, but he wasn’t willing to give up on us either. 

In therapy, we learned communication techniques like active listening and recognizing the different ways we viewed intimacy. He saw intimacy as a physical need, and I saw intimacy as emotional vulnerability [emotional intimacy]. It was great to have a therapist [affirm] our issues were normal, and [we realized] that we really loved and cared about each other. 

We ultimately decided our lives were moving in different directions, but therapy enabled us to maintain a strong relationship past that breakup. We’re still close and important to each other. Our relationship just evolved, and it was able to evolve because we did the work.” —Emily B., 41

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 11 People Who Went to Couples Therapy Share What Went Down appeared first on Wondermind.