Pro Tips Link Copied 02.06.25

41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level

Go deep without feeling weird. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable, and anxiety-provoking (dating anxiety is a thing, by the way). If you’re not sitting in complete silence or getting hit with the ick, you’re tempted to launch a full-on interview or randomly fire off first date questions like, “So, uh, do you like cheese?” (IYKYK) 

Sure, not all first dates are nightmare fuel, but they’re often exhausting. Meeting a stranger, worrying whether they like you, and trying to keep the conversation flowing with the best questions to ask on a first date is a lot.

And when you feel uncomfortable, you might avoid getting into the topics that matter. Unfortunately for all of us, trying to come across as chill or “someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously” is just a recipe for getting stuck in a situationship. Sigh.

As a licensed psychotherapist who guides folks through a range of relationship and dating concerns, I know we’re not all doomed. Becoming more comfortable starts with having a conversation roadmap that includes questions to ask, when to ask them, and how to ask them. Trust me, that small step can make a huge difference.

So, before your next rendezvous, check out these Qs you can use to steer any first date convo. (If you’re looking for more conversation inspo, these classic conversation starters, deep conversation starters, and Would You Rather questions for adults are very solid options.)

A few reminders before you save all these in your Notes app:

• Don’t fire them off like a job interview; pick the ones most important to you and weave them into your date using whatever language feels natural.
• If you struggle to keep the chat flowing, it’s OK to bring up something else by saying, “I have a question.”
• You should expect to respond to any “what about you?” follow-ups.  

Start with the basics. 

It’s important for both people to ease into a first date and feel comfortable with one another before unpacking trauma, for example. Skip the hard-hitting asks for now and focus on icebreakers that keep things light-hearted and offer clarity on your common interests. These introductory Qs are also a solid opportunity for you to see if they have a good sense of humor, can make polite conversation, and are curious about you too. All! Important! Things! 

1. What type of music do you like, and what’s the last concert you went to?
2. When you travel, do you like to have a packed itinerary for max efficiency or do you prefer a chill vibe with flexible plans? 
3. What’s one thing you’re looking forward to doing this year?
4. What are your top three favorite TV shows of all time?
5. What does a typical weekend look like for you? 

Get to know their values. 

One of the most common mistakes is overemphasizing chemistry and equating it with compatibility. In my experience, people often think that intense attraction or random coincidences (like having the same birthday) are signs that someone is their lobster. The dangerous part of that is developing a premature emotional and psychological attachment to someone you don’t really know. (This can make red flags harder to spot.) 

Meanwhile, true compatibility takes time to assess and unfold. It’s hard to tell if their workaholic tendencies vibe with your bed-rotting habit). Matching with someone would look like your values and long-term goals aligning, healthily navigating conflict together, and co-existing in the same living space. Figuring this out takes time. 

Truth is, we need chemistry and compatibility. While you can generally tell if the vibes are off the charts, determining if someone’s a good fit for you comes from weathering life’s ups and downs and asking lots of questions. Feel free to borrow any of these, and make sure you pay attention to their actions to make sure they’re consistent with the things they say.  

1. What qualities do you value in a romantic relationship?
2. How important is _____ to you? 
3. What’s your preference on paying at the end of a date?
4. If you had the power to address any cause or social issue, which one would you choose?
5. What role do your family and friends play in your life? Do you have a close relationship with them? 
6. Who would you consider your support system?
7. What’s your approach to finding work-life balance? Is that important to you? 

Dive into their past. 

Naturally, when you’re building a relationship, you want to learn everything there is to know about someone’s dating history or lack thereof because it gives you intel on their romantic patterns. Like, if they have a strong sexual attraction to a specific demographic based on some stereotypes, there could be some concerning fetishization going on there. Or if they have a track record of cheating, proceed with extreme caution. 

Unpacking someone’s past can also provide insight into where they’re at in their mental health journey. For instance, if they previously avoided dating altogether, you can learn more about what internal work they’ve done to get to this date with you.  

Of course, talking about the past and exes can be touchy. If you want to go deep on the first date, read the room and make sure the ice is fully broken before you dive in. Approaching these questions with a sensitive tone and adding the disclaimer “feel free to share as much as you’re comfortable with” is a thoughtful way to go.

1. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?
2. What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in?
3. Why did your last relationship end?
4. What’s your perspective on exes remaining friends after a breakup? Are you friends with any of your exes?
5. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself during your single years or from your last relationship? 
6. What are you looking for based on the relationships that you’ve been in or your time being single? 
7. What’s something that often triggered you in your previous relationships?
8. What do all your exes or crushes have in common? What do you think attracts you to them? 

Start the communication conversation. 

Communication is one of the core foundations of a healthy relationship, and knowing how someone conveys their thoughts can help you decide if a relationship with them is worth it. If you’re a talker who loves chatting on the phone while they prefer to limit communication until they see you IRL, you’ll likely end up feeling lonely. And I don’t want that for you! Remember to sprinkle in these questions to ensure you’re on the same page (and, again, see if their behaviors match their words).

1. Are you more of a texter or a caller? 
2. How do you show your appreciation in a relationship? How do you want your partner to show that they appreciate you?
3. How do you typically respond if something is bothering you? Say something? Get quiet? Ask for space? Process the situation for a while?
4. In the beginning of any relationship, how often do you like to talk to the person you’re getting to know?
5. What are your views on gender roles and their stereotypes? Do you feel that one person should take the lead in the relationship more in certain areas or that the relationship should be more collaborative? 

Sus out their intentions. 

Ideally, by the second or third date you’d establish your expectations or any boundaries and get some clarity on the other person’s goals for this connection. Most people are afraid to ask the “what do you want” types of questions because they don’t want to scare the other person. But if someone can’t give you an honest answer or takes this to mean you want to marry them on the second date, then this says more about them than you. To save yourself any wasted time or heartache, try to be direct early in the dating stage.  

1. What are you looking for? Something casual? Long-term? Lifelong? 
2. How would you describe your dating style? Do you tend to get to know one person at a time or multiple people at a time?
3. How long do you typically date someone before becoming exclusive?
4. What are your deal-breakers and non-negotiables for relationships?
5. What are your views on commitment, monogamy, or ethical non-monogamy? 

Cultivate intimacy. 

If you already have the basics down, like if you were friends first or have been dating for a bit, the questions you ask can go deeper. When you talk through these topics, they can help you develop more of a connection and a sense of vulnerability and intimacy with each other.

1. What is something I don’t already know about you?
2. What do you need to feel supported?
3. What are some goals you think we should have for our relationship, and why are those important to you?
4. What aspects of our friendship do you want to make sure is a staple in our relationship?
5. What helps you feel loved, safe, and protected in a romantic relationship?

Assess your post-date feelings.

Now that you’ve gotten to know someone new, it’s time to reflect on how it went—and whether they’re worth more space on your calendar. These prompts, which help you drill down your opinion of them, can do exactly that. Be as honest as you can.

1. How do I feel about the flow of conversation?
2. Did they ask me any questions and seem genuinely interested in getting to know me? Or was it a mostly one-sided experience?
3. Were they respectful of my boundaries and personal space? 
4. How did my interaction with them leave me feeling (hopeful, drained, excited)?
5. Did our time together feel too short or was I waiting for it to end?
6. Are we compatible in the areas of my life that matter most to me?

The post 41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.21.25

How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires?

“No one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left.” ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

The air in Los Angeles is heavy, both literally and figuratively. The Palisades, Eaton Canyon, and Hurst wildfires burned thousands of acres. That includes homes, small businesses, and wildlife habitats. In an instant, thousands of people lost what took years or even generations to build. The Los Angeles wildfires also stripped away our sense of security, leaving all of us fearful of the future. 

As a Los Angeles resident, I’m anxiously waiting for my cue to evacuate. Living just a few miles from what is now a stretch of ash and debris, I’ve been consumed by messages from loved ones checking in and constantly monitoring evacuation notifications. At this point, the only thing separating me from the fires is the direction of the wind.

As a therapist, I’m surprised that no one talks about the emotional task of packing your belongings and saying goodbye to what’s left (there’s no certainty that it will all be there when you return). They also don’t talk about how, even if you’re physically safe, you’re constantly checking for updates on the damage.

At the time of this writing, the fires aren’t yet contained and the psychological toll is fresh and ongoing. However, I want everyone to know that it’s not too early to start coping with the grief, trauma, and anxiety caused by the devastation. 

Whether you lost your home, someone you love lost theirs, you’re waiting to hear if you need to leave your neighborhood, or you’re watching in horror from afar, we’re all feeling helpless. And it’s OK if you’re not ready or able to process your emotions around all of this right now. But, if and when you are, here are a few strategies I recommend.

Prioritize your physical needs.

If you’re directly impacted by the fires, there are an endless number of things competing for your attention. Texts from loved ones, spreadsheets of resources, insurance claims, and other logistical tasks that come with navigating the aftermath.

In the midst of it all, it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself, especially your physical needs. But putting those at the top of your list is actually one of the most helpful ways to recover emotionally and materially. You need energy to take on everything coming your way.

So check in with yourself. Have you eaten? Are you hydrated? Can you take a nap if you need one? Tackle those first. 

Mindfully distract yourself.

Witnessing destruction in your neighborhood and hearing stories of loss can trigger symptoms of stress and anxiety, like nightmares, flashbacks, or persistent fear.  

If you’re experiencing this, know that this response is likely your mind and body processing trauma—and you don’t have to wait until the symptoms worsen to seek relief from the emotional toll.

One helpful tool is called mindful distraction. This can help you cultivate calm by distracting yourself for a bit. JFYI, distraction isn’t the same thing as avoidance. It’s a self-soothing technique and signals a sense of calm to your body. 

You can start by inhaling for four counts and exhaling for six to eight counts until you feel a little more grounded. Another option is called safe havening. Gently stroke your arms or face while visualizing a soothing image. It could be anything! No matter which route you go (maybe you use both), it can help relieve those overwhelming feelings. 

Connect with people who get it. 

Going through a traumatic event like this can make you feel incredibly lonely. That’s why seeking out others who directly relate to what you’re experiencing can be incredibly helpful. Of course, you might not be ready to talk about what’s happened yet. It’s OK to take your time and respect your readiness. 

But, when you’re ready, sharing aspects of your experience can help reduce the weight of the pain, lowering the volume of your big feelings. It also helps you understand what you’ve been through as you create a narrative around it. As you get more grounded, you’ll be in a better place to plan next steps. 

At the same time, when speaking to those who’ve lost their homes, evacuated, or have family members who are affected, you’ll feel more understood and supported. Their experiences help validate your experiences. 

If you’re not sure who to turn to, try reaching out to your neighbors, finding support groups, or visiting local relief organizations.

Give yourself permission to feel your feelings.

Lots of people who weren’t directly affected feel like they aren’t allowed to be anxious, sad, or grieve the devastation of this event. Others, especially those who were impacted, often lean into toxic positivity. 

No matter what your situation, we all need space to feel the full range of emotions cycling through our bodies right now. If we don’t allow them to come up, we can experience psychological distress. 

Having a hard time right now? Take some time to check in with your emotions at the beginning of each day. When things feel too heavy, give yourself permission to sit with the anxiety, grief, sadness, anger, frustration, or whatever’s going on.

Write a letter to what you lost.

Being directly impacted by the fires brings loss on many levels: loss of loved ones, possessions, places tied to special memories, and what could have been. Healing begins when we allow our grief to take up space. Start by asking yourself this question, If my grief could talk, what would it say? This can be a powerful way to honor and process your grief and learn more about what matters to us.

Get clear on what you’re grieving. Is it a loved one? A place? A pet? Your photo albums? The furniture handed down by your grandparents? Write a letter to the person, place, or possession, and share your memories and feelings about them. Talk about what they meant to you. 

Even as you begin to rebuild your life, you may notice a longing for what was. When that happens, acknowledge this as a very normal part of the healing process.

Find comfort in a routine.

Cultivating a routine is an underrated tool for navigating trauma. That’s because doing the same things on a regular basis provides a sense of stability—especially when life is unpredictable. Engaging in consistent and calming activities can combat the fight-or-flight response activated by a traumatic event. 

If you were directly impacted, I want you to honor and respect your capacity with this one. If your bandwidth is limited, start small. Identify something reasonable you can do on a daily basis. This might be waking up at the same time, setting aside 10 minutes to write, or making your to-do list at the start of each day. Any consistent and calming activity can help.

For those who weren’t directly impacted, it might feel odd to go back to your regularly scheduled agenda when other peoples’ lives are so disrupted. But remember this: We can only be of service to others after we tend to ourselves.

Get creative. 

Holding on to your sense of self and the stuff that brings you joy can feel daunting right now, but it’s a powerful tool for coping. That’s because creativity offers an outlet for expressing and processing your emotions. Whether it’s an art project, dancing, creative writing, or just doodling on a napkin, creativity can externalize our internal state, which can reduce stress. Los Angelenos know the power of collective creativity! 

Help others. 

If you’ve been directly impacted by the wildfires, volunteering can give you a sense of control, purpose, and connection during an overwhelming time. However, it’s important to check in with yourself and volunteer when you’re emotionally and physically ready. If you notice that volunteering is leading to burnout or feels triggering, then honor your personal limitations and focus on self-care. 

In my experience, being part of a collective recovery effort with like-minded people creates opportunities to share your experience within a supportive environment. 

If you’re on the outside looking in on this tragic event, you might feel anxious, depressed, or sad (all of which are rightful to experience). To interrupt those states, without bypassing your emotions, taking action can be super helpful for those who have the bandwidth.

For example, when I volunteered at the Santa Anita Racetrack, I met another volunteer, a Palisades resident, whose experience was similar to mine. While her place remained safe, she felt the pain for her neighbors who couldn’t say the same. The opportunity to speak with her was an outlet that I didn’t know I needed. You might need something like that too.

Advocate for change.

What kind of clinical social worker would I be if I didn’t talk about healing from a macro perspective? I believe that it is our social responsibility to care for one another. We heal in community. That’s why coping with the anxiety, grief, and trauma of these fires can also include advocating for changes that prevent future generations from suffering the same experiences. 

There are many approaches for addressing the structural and systemic issues contributing to these disasters: Advocating for equitable rebuilding efforts, collaborating with local organizations to build community care, and pushing for policies that address climate change.

The post How Do We Begin to Tackle the Grief and Trauma From These Fires? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.23.24

10 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner at Least Once

We’re going deep! ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

For people in long-term relationships, it’s common to say what your partner is thinking or predict how they’ll react to something before they do it. It’s adorable and sometimes annoying, but it’s also unavoidable when you’re with someone long enough. Over time, you’re bound to learn their behaviors and quirks better than anyone else—even before scouring the internet for “questions for couples.”

But don’t make the mistake of thinking that you know them better than they know themselves (as a licensed therapist, that’s something that I hear a lot of people say about their counterparts). If you make that assumption and stop being curious, you might miss out on all the ways your partner is growing and learning to be more emotionally available over time—just like you are. 

In order to get that intel, we need to ask more than the routine questions like, “Can you pick up the dry cleaning? Wanna watch that movie this weekend?” Getting curious enables you to learn more about your partner, strengthen your relationship, and even prevent future conflicts. 

If you’re not sure where to start, I got you. Whether you’ve been together for years or are still getting to know each other, there are a few—well, more than a few—questions for couples that can help you to get beyond the surface level stuff and understand your person on a deeper level. These little asks can get to the bottom of things like what motivates them and what gives them pause. Plus, asking them to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences can make them feel seen and cared for. Who doesn’t like talking about themselves with someone who is genuinely interested?

Also, you might learn something about yourself! After all, your partner is bound to ask, “What about you?” And it’s only fair that you self-reflect too! 

If you’re down to get deep, screenshot these questions (or drop a link to your person) to use on a fun date night or just some deep Tuesday night dinner convo. Let’s go!

Fun questions for couples 

These lighthearted prompts provide valuable insights into your partner’s emotional landscape without feeling intimidating. If you want to spark conversation in a relaxed yet meaningful way, give these a try.

1. If finances weren’t a factor, what would you do for a living? 

Asking your partner what they would do for a living if financial anxiety was no issue can help reveal what’s truly important to them when they’re not in survival mode. What would they want to do for work? What would their day look like? These hypotheticals can shed some light on what are their values and aspirations.

2. What’s one change you could make to live a more regret-free life?

No one wants to look back and wish they took more time off of work or cared less about how they look, but it can be hard to shift out of get-things-done mode and into a reflective place. So this question enables us to see what changes we can make right now to lead a more fulfilling life. 

This question can dig into:

1. Our partner’s self-awareness around the areas of their life that need improvement
2. Their capacity and motivation to embrace and act upon change 
3. Their priorities and what truly matters to them

Throw this one out there and take note of what you get back. 

3. What is one moment that you’d like to relive again and why? 

This question allows you to learn more about your partner’s favorite memories and what those moments meant to them. That helps cultivate a deeper understanding of what they consider meaningful, which, in turn, allows you to develop more emotional intimacy with them. Aww!

If you want to keep it open ended and see how your partner responds, leave this question as is. But if it feels overwhelming or they name something you’re already pretty familiar with, you can tailor this question to be more specific. For example, you could try, “What’s a moment in our relationship that you would want to relive again and why?” Or, “What’s an experience growing up that you want to relive again and why?” Choose your own adventure! 

4. What’s one thing you wish you had more time for right now?

Their answer to this question shows you what person, place, thing, or experience they’re yearning for, which is cute. It also gives you the chance to help them get after it so they can find balance in their life. For extra credit, you can use this info to surprise them in the future. For example, if they wish they had more time to spend with their college friends, you can organize a night in and invite some of them over. With this info, you’re able to show them how much you care and understand what makes them truly happy.

Unlike the other Qs on this list, this is one you can ask every few months to assess any changes in your partner’s interests, priorities, and passions. 

5. Describe your dream vacation.

OK, there’s a lot more to this than you think. Identifying your partner’s ideal vacay opens up the conversation about what makes them feel relaxed and fulfilled—even if you’re at home on a Saturday morning. 

This is helpful to know since not all of us like to use our downtime in the same way. Maybe you like to hang out and read a novel while your partner likes to maximize their time off with an itinerary (or a to-do list). Once you have a feel for how the other person likes to relax, you can align your expectations (and hold your judgment) accordingly. 

Relationship questions for couples

This set of questions digs into your partner’s feelings and expectations of the relationship. Because of that, you’ll want to watch out for or prevent any kind of defensiveness (from either of you). 

To ensure that the conversation is productive, don’t ask these questions if either of you are tired, hungry, or rushing to go somewhere. Instead, utilize these as part of a larger dialogue by starting the conversation when there’s plenty of time for reflection.  

1. How do you define success in a relationship?

Having a dialogue around what a good relationship looks like helps you two create a long-term vision for your future and reduce misunderstandings.

So if you haven’t asked this one yet, start here to get clarity on what they expect in the relationship. That will get you both thinking about concrete goals you can work toward together. Don’t be surprised if you and your partner are more aligned on your visions of your relationship after this one.

2. In your opinion, what role do family and friends play in our relationship? 

Everyone’s dynamic with their family and friends is unique, and you can’t assume that your partner wants to spend the same amount of time with them as you do. Assumptions without clarification lead to disappointment, so let’s get to clarifying.

This Q will give you the opportunity to explore boundaries and expectations with external relationships. But that’s just the beginning. If you want to go deeper with this question, get more specific and ask, “What are your thoughts on sharing our conflicts with the people we trust, like our best friends or our parents?” or “How much of our downtime do you feel we need to spend with family?”

3. What are your thoughts on therapy as a tool for support in our relationship?

No matter how compatible you are, no relationship is conflict-free. So when arguments arise and tension lingers, you need a plan to resolve it. Sure, you can give it a shot on the fly, but what if that doesn’t get the results you hoped for? What then?

Regardless of their response to this question, kicking off a dialogue about how they plan to navigate difficult seasons in the relationship will help you both feel aligned if the idea of therapy comes up down the road. 

4. What are your core values and what experiences helped shape them?

Part of what strengthens emotional intimacy is the ability to get to know someone’s life events and understand their impact. 

Learning about the experiences that made an imprint on who they are helps you understand their approach to life and their guiding beliefs. It also jumpstarts a super vulnerable conversation that can cultivate more emotional intimacy—a thing all relationships could use more of.

5. Is there anything from your past that could affect how you deal with conflict?  

There are lots of insights you can pull from their answer to this question: What type of communication was modeled for them growing up, how their past romantic relationships have influenced their experience of intimacy and conflict management, and so much more. 

But this can—understandably—be a touchy subject. So be sure to preface it by asking, “Are you in a space where you can get into serious questions about your past or upbringing? I want to get to know more about you and your style of communication.” See how it goes, but don’t push them if they’re not ready.

The post 10 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner at Least Once appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 05.30.24

7 Ways to Be Amazing at Small Talk

Time to erase “this weather is wild” and “wow that’s crazy” from your vocabulary. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

It might seem like there are two types of people in this world: The social butterflies who can have fun talking to anyone and the ones who frantically push the “door close” button to avoid small talk with whoever is hopping in the elevator. If you’re in the latter camp, welcome. This article is for you. 

If mingling is nightmare fuel for you, you’re not alone. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this usually happens because you might assume small talk isn’t genuine and feels like a waste of time, you crave deeper connections, and you feel nervous about what to do or say when the conversation feels dull. Put simply, you have some judgements about chitchat or yourself in those situations, which makes you feel like being a wallflower is a better, more comfortable option.

Here’s why you should give small talk a chance 

Hear me out: Getting out of your comfort zone and having casual convos are more meaningful than you might think. Chitchat helps you curb loneliness by providing micro moments of connection and bright spots in an otherwise gloomy day (or week or month, TBH). If you zoom out, these moments help you remember that our lives are all linked and that there are people who do want to interact with you, even if just briefly. While these short moments won’t cure loneliness altogether, they add up over time. 

Small talk also helps you to get to know others in a casual and non-intimidating way. And if you have a genuine interest in the people you engage with, you never know where these interactions could lead or how deep a connection you could build with a coworker, for example, based on one nugget you learned during a water cooler chat.

Luckily, being good at small talk is a skill that you can learn just like any other. If you want to master the art and get in on all these benefits, I got you. Read on for seven ways to ace more casual conversations. 

1. Don’t assume you’ll hate it. 

Going into any situation with judgments about how pointless or agonizing it will be automatically influences your attitude and how you show up. If you enter a networking event focused on how much you hate chatting, then guess what? The event will likely feel excruciating 20 minutes in. 

Pay attention to any negative judgments that you have about small talk and practice reframing your perspective before you engage with others. Instead of viewing these convos as a “waste of time” or “meaningless,” you can see them as an opportunity to expand your social circle, an avenue to break the ice with strangers and lead into more in-depth talks, or a chance to build tons of connections in a short period of time. Next time you have to mingle, see how this reframe helps you feel more chill, excited, or optimistic about the interaction and the potential outcomes. 

2. Ask good questions. 

Not knowing where to begin when it comes to small talk is a fast-track to immediately feeling awkward. If you struggle to kick things off, you might want to have a few light yet engaging conversation starters in your back pocket for when you’re stuck in a Zoom waiting room with a coworker or alone at a party. 

While it might sound hard to think of your own ice breakers, you can keep it simple and riff on common questions you get all the time but don’t always answer intentionally. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your question asks about a specific detail that people can expand on their response. For example, instead of asking someone “what’s up?” or if they had a good weekend, which would inspire basic “nothing much” or “it was chill” responses, you could say, “What was the highlight of your weekend?” or “What’s something you’re looking forward to today?” Notice how those questions are more open-ended, unexpected, and give the responder lots of different ways to respond?

Hypothetical questions are also fun prompts. This sounds like: “If you could be on any Bravo show, which would you pick?” or “If you could see any musician perform live, who would it be?” See how these questions provoke a little bit of thought, yet still keep the conversation feeling light-hearted? You could even preface that this was a unique question someone recently asked you if you feel weird diving into hypotheticals without more context.  

Of course, different environments and crowds require different chitchat nuances, so remember to consider whether or not your questions are appropriate for whatever space you’re in. For example, at work, you can ask about how people are navigating their work-life balance or how they make their commute more bearable. You can even talk about what side of TikTok you’re on! (Personally, I’m on shark egg TikTok, which I can confirm is a great convo starter.) Anything that could lead into a heated debate should probably be off limits unless your workplace is really chill and you’ve developed a strong relationship with whoever you’re talking to. (These ice breaker questions for work might be helpful too!)

At a social gathering, you can ask questions like, “So how long have you known _____, and where did you meet?” These types of conversations open up the door to share stories about the past and are far more interesting than the “do you come here often?” schtick. Another option: Draw on current events, like pop culture or local news, and ask something like, “Did you hear about XYZ?” Even if the person has no clue what you’re talking about, you could offer a brief recap and your take on it if they seem interested. Then, that could give them something to respond to. 

3. Challenge yourself to build on your responses. 

Part of becoming a small-talk pro is being a good responder on top of bringing the ice breakers. Even if someone asks you the most interesting open-ended question you’ve ever heard, there’s a chance your answer is short because you’re nervous, caught off-guard, still assessing their vibe, or don’t think your response is actually good. But I have a challenge that’ll help you make the conversation more balanced: Round out your response by adding another thought, observation, or question to whatever you were going to say. 

If someone asks you what your summer plans are and you have none, instead of saying, “Hmm. Not sure yet,” try saying, “I’m not sure yet, but I’ve been researching a few places in Europe or Asia and am comparing pricing and timing. I also love the idea of a staycation. What about you?” This gives the person the opportunity to not only respond to what you stated, but also gives them ground to answer the original question. And somewhere in their response, there will likely be something you can follow-up on to keep the talk moving forward. 

4. Show a genuine interest. 

Have you ever shared a story with someone and they were obviously not paying attention and didn’t care? That probably made you feel horrible, kind of embarrassed, and like you never want to talk to them again, right? Yeah, that was rude as hell of them and likely didn’t help build a solid rapport at all. That’s what you’re definitely not going to do because nothing tanks a conversation or relationship like the feeling of being dismissed or discarded. 

A great way to make a good (and fast) first impression with someone during small talk is by simply showing a genuine interest in what the other person has to say. That involves paying attention to what they’re saying and responding in a thoughtful manner. Depending on the conversation, it can help to show curiosity about the other person’s thoughts and experiences. So instead of offering a bored “wow that’s crazy,” your follow-ups can sound like, “Woah, that sounds intense. Tell me more about that” or “What was that experience like for you?” or “What happened next?” 

5. Find common ground. 

How many times have you been in a group setting where you were totally silent because you had no connection to the subject and felt like you had nothing to contribute? Without common ground, people can feel left out of the conversation and dreaded lulls can happen. When you’re with strangers or acquaintances, it’s hard to know where you connect, so here are a few questions that can help you identify some overlap:

• What types of hobbies have you been involved in lately?
• Do you have any favorite TV shows or books that you’ve been getting into?
• What concerts or events do you have planned this year?
• Are there any causes or issues that you’ve been drawn to lately?

One more thing: Don’t be afraid to volunteer a little information about yourself even if someone didn’t ask (maybe they’re shy, nervous, or don’t want to pry!). When you share more about yourself, that can be a good foundation for a conversation too. Think: “I love the charcuterie board they made for this party. I tried to make one before and was shocked at how time consuming it is. Have you ever tried?” or “I’ve never come to this neighborhood before. It looks really cool! Have you been here before?” 

6. Accept the lulls. 

Even when you’re yapping with your closest friends, you’ve probably noticed that random moments of silence happen. That’s totally normal, and the same is true when you’re small talking. Do yourself a favor and accept that these pauses are natural and don’t mean anything about your personality, your choice in topics, or whether someone likes you. When you accept this truth, small talk becomes a little more tolerable because you don’t have the pressure to keep the conversation going at full speed. 

I know you’re probably thinking, OK, so what am I supposed to do if nobody is talking? Just stare at them? Well, you could straight-up acknowledge if you feel weird. Try: “I always feel a little awkward when conversations lull, but thanks for being understanding about it!” It’s possible the other person feels the same way, so that statement gives them a chance to relate to you even more or bring up any topics they’ve been wanting to discuss. This could be another opportunity to draw on your tried-and-true ice breakers like, “Have you seen any good shows or documentaries lately? I’m looking for recommendations.”

Or, for the bravest among us, try to sit in the silence for a full minute and breathe through the discomfort. Scary, I know. This is something we practice in therapy since it’s such a relatable experience and because it’s important to be present without judging yourself and see what comes up naturally for you or the other person. Internally, you could even repeat affirmations like, “I’m OK. This is normal. It is what it is” as the silence sets in. 

7. Know when it’s time to go. 

Sometimes, no matter what you do, conversations can feel like a one-sided interview because the other person isn’t matching your energy or reciprocating any of your questions or interest. That might sting if you were hoping for a new connection, but not every chat turns into something more, and some people are duds (sorry not sorry). In these cases, you have full permission to exit stage left and take your presence elsewhere. Try saying something like, “I’m going to grab a snack! It was nice talking with you,” or “Excuse me, I’ve got to check in on _____”. 

The bottom line: Small talk is agonizing for a lot of people, but if you reframe the way you look at it and come prepared with topics and conversation starters, you can really set the foundation for new connections and deeper talks!

The post 7 Ways to Be Amazing at Small Talk appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 05.28.24

6 Common AAPI Mental Health Stigmas—and How to Unlearn Them

As a licensed therapist from the Philippines, I get what you’re going through. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

By now we’ve all heard the phrase “mental health matters,” and it does… But do we, as a collective, really know the specific mental health obstacles that manifest in our different cultural communities? The truth is that we can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge. For many in the Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) community, talking about mental well-being has been discouraged for generations, leading to many of us internalizing negative beliefs that jeopardize our confidence, sense of self, happiness, and maybe even our connections with others. As a licensed psychotherapist with a background in treating Asian Americans and as an immigrant from Cebu, Philippines, I understand personally and professionally where the various stigmas in our communities come from and how they influence us. 

The reluctance to openly discuss mental health within AAPI communities is largely due in part to mental struggles being viewed as a weakness, as a negative reflection of the family, and something that will compromise our collective success and health. A lot of these beliefs are rooted in the concept of filial piety, which is the idea that our worth and usefulness is tied to our ability to care for our family, especially our parents. (JFYI: Filial piety stems from China and Confucianism, and this family unit emphasis can be found across various Asian, Pacific Islander, and Islamic societies.) 

This commitment to your people isn’t a bad thing, but it can be taken to the extreme. If a mental challenge interferes with your ability to support your kin, then that sense of worth and usefulness can *poof* and disappear, which can hurt your mental well-being even more. 

For the record: It should go without saying, but the AAPI community is not a monolith. Our differences span across ethnic groups, languages, and immigration experiences. Still, there are shared cultural pain points that many of us can relate to, and no one group is immune to mental health struggles. We need to heal, and we need specific guidance that resonates with our cultural identities in order for that healing to be impactful. 

If you don’t know where to start, I’ve got you. Here are six common stigmas and pressures within the community that we need to challenge and unlearn so we can get closer to our best, most authentic selves. 

1. That struggling with your mental health makes you weak. 

Circling back on the filial piety of it all. Within the AAPI community, it’s often believed that having mental health issues is a poor reflection of the family line and interferes with your ability to care for one’s relatives and community. To be blunt, that messaging is inaccurate. Mental challenges don’t always relate to anything your elders did or didn’t do, and they don’t always negatively affect other people in your family, like your siblings. Plus, when you take better care of yourself, you become more capable of helping others. You do not have to choose one over the other, and ignoring your well-being to solely care for others can be counterproductive. For example, suppressing how you feel doesn’t make your feelings go away. It only amplifies them and can lead to physical symptoms too, like chronic pain.

To get some distance from those feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment, try to approach your mental health with a sense of curiosity and compassion. You could do that by practicing affirmations like, “Struggling with my mindset does not make me weak or lessen my value as a person,” “I need to take care of myself before I can care for others,” or “My mental health journey is valid and worthy of respect and understanding from myself and others.”

Or you could even think about what it might look like to care for yourself and your family. Like, could you realistically go to therapy for one hour on Wednesday and take your mom to her doctor’s appointment on Friday or help your kids with their homework at night? It’s possible!

2. That you’re either too American or not American enough.  

Raise your hand if you feel like you don’t belong in any of the cultures you’re part of, whether that be where you currently live or where your ancestors are from. You know, that uneasy feeling that if you returned to your homeland, maybe you wouldn’t know the cuisine or language. And at the same time, you still don’t feel like you’re “American enough” if you live in the States, for example, because of the way you look, how your parents talk, or the foods and TV shows you like. This feeling of being culturally inadequate is a constant internal battle many AAPI folks face.

The dialogue that we have with ourselves and others matters. Instead of telling yourself that you are not enough or don’t belong, remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to exist within the community. The very fact that you identify as AAPI is qualification for being both Asian or Pacific Islander and American enough—your nationality does not erase your heritage. You do not need to do anything else to prove your cultural worthiness, even if there are people who try to make you feel that way with their narrow stereotypes. When you can begin to accept that you are culturally enough, then you can release the feelings of shame that says that something is missing within you. 

3. That your appearance is the most important thing about you. 

If you grew up in a home or culture where your body was openly criticized, where people had no problem saying you’re “too fat” or your eyes could be more almond-shaped, you are one of our strongest soldiers. Same if you ever had to endure the “your skin is too dark” and “stay out of the sun and buy skin whitening soaps” messaging, which is deeply rooted in anti-blackness and white supremacy, BTW. After years of having these POVs thrown at you (perhaps without anyone to call out how toxic they are), you can internalize them and end up being less than thrilled with your appearance and the features that make us AAPI peeps unique. 

Healing, in this case, looks like taking baby steps to embrace your skin tone, like sitting at the beach all day if you want to, for example. (Just bring SPF, cool?) Or maybe when you’re getting ready today, you can ditch the makeup that makes your eyes look wider. Whatever change helps you feel closer to your happiest, most authentic self is a good place to start. 

You can also learn to feel more confident by recognizing that body and beauty diversity exist, that our bodies don’t have to be shamed or critiqued, and that just because you look different from some strict, unrealistic beauty standard, that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful too. Focus instead on what your body can do for you versus how it looks (think: your thicc calves help you hike your favorite trails) and you might start to feel more appreciative for your physique.

4. That speaking up for yourself makes you difficult. 

Back in the day, the pressure to assimilate to and be accepted by white American culture was a thing for many AAPI elders who were trying to get established in this country. This meant teaching their kids to not rock the boat, stay quiet, fall in line with what authority figures say, and essentially disappear so as not to cause trouble. AAPI communities were also seen (and often still are) as the “model minority,” which essentially pits us against other marginalized racial groups and perpetuates the idea that we shouldn’t speak up for ourselves or deviate from the status quo.

When we internalize the idea that we should stay quiet and keep our heads down, well, that can lead to unfortunate side effects, like AAPI folks being unlikely to seek mental health treatment or report crimes made against them, a 2022 crime study suggests. In 2020, reports of hate crimes against AAPI people increased, but the rates at which they were being reported was still largely under-estimated, the same study states. 

I encourage you to challenge this “model minority” messaging and ask yourself: “Who benefits from me not speaking up for myself?” Most likely, the answer isn’t you. Then, reframe this message with “I am allowed to have a voice and express my individual differences and preferences. By doing this, I am helping myself and future generations.” This mindset shift can help you seek connections that let you be you and also help you recognize that you are allowed to have your own voice and identity that doesn’t always mesh with assimilation. 

5. That your worth is tied to your education or career. 

The “model minority” myth strikes again with this one and can make AAPI people (and others) think that our greatest strengths center on our academic and white collar success. This is another racial stereotype that not only causes harm between communities, but also leads to feelings of inadequacy and shame if you deviate from the traditional STEM fields, kinda suck at those courses, or if you choose not to go to school altogether! But let’s be real: School and STEM programs aren’t for everyone, and no matter where you fall on the spectrum of academic performance, it’s not a measure of your worth as a human being. 

When you release the narrative that your life has to look a certain way, you release so much pressure and allow yourself to explore different paths and passions that diversify your life experience and our world. Plus, if you actually pursue what you like, you’ll probably end up a happier person than if you people-please your way through life. 

If you need an affirmation to go with this reframe, repeat after me: “My worth is not tied into my academic success, salary, or career choice. I am allowed to seek creative pursuits and my own passions, regardless of if I am good at it or if it can be monetized.” 

6. That setting boundaries with your family makes you disrespectful.  

Showing love, honor, and respect to your parents and ancestors is something AAPI culture has emphasized for a long time (remember the filial piety ideals?). But over time, the belief has evolved into the idea that being a dutiful child means being obedient and not challenging or going against anything your elders say. Yup, that includes begging to take drum lessons instead of violin. Or even saying you really hate how they discipline you, for example. If you do, prepare to be labeled disobedient or disrespectful. But if you can’t authentically express yourself, that increases the likelihood of experiencing stress and anxiety, losing your agency, and resenting your family. 

Luckily, it’s totally possible to have filial piety while also maintaining your individuality and sense of safety and self. Honoring your parents doesn’t mean dishonoring yourselves, and setting boundaries to protect your peace does not make you inherently bad. When you can recognize this and speak your truth to your family, you’re able to live in alignment with your personal values a little more. 

So, as you go forth and start to move and think in these new ways, think about what boundaries might help you out. Could it be pulling your parents to the side to say that you respect their opinion and want to enjoy your family reunion, but if they comment on your body in front of others, you will have to leave the family function early? Or maybe you lay out a map of your dream career that has nothing to do with STEM and explain how they inspired you or how this will help you honor your family’s legacy. While you won’t be able to control their response, when you try to merge your filial piety with what you want to do, you might be able to find a happy compromise.

The post 6 Common AAPI Mental Health Stigmas—and How to Unlearn Them appeared first on Wondermind.