Pro Tips Link Copied 03.26.24

Here’s Why You’re Sleeping So Much

Could be normal, but we should talk. ByAli Finney

We can probably all agree that sleeping is an excellent way to spend free time. It’s free, it’s easy (most of the time), and it feels good. But if you’ve been sleep tracking and noticed that you’re leaning hard into the “sleep is life” philosophy, you might find yourself wondering, Why is my body obsessed with sleep, and is that healthy and fine? These are great questions, and also they’re a little tricky to answer.

The challenge of getting to the root of your sleep situation stems from this fact: Sleep patterns are unique to us. “There are no golden rules that apply to everyone,” says Joshua Tal, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in sleep. While clocking a solid 10 hours might alarm you, that could be the bare minimum for someone else. 

So, how much is too much sleep? 

Like we said, everyone’s sleep threshold is different, but there are some clear signs that your body is crying, More sleep pls! Dr. Tal says you’re right to suspect that something is off if you’re getting plenty of sleep but can’t stay awake during the day (also referred to as excessive daytime sleepiness or EDS) or if you’ve been sleeping an hour or two more than your average sleep time for the last one to four weeks. 

Below, we’ll explain more about why you could be so damn tired all the time and what you can do about it. Just a heads up though: No matter the cause, if you feel like your bed is keeping you from other important life stuff—like work meetings, social gatherings, or your relationships in general—that’s a sign it’s time to get help, says therapist Mahshid Hager, LMFT. “Issues arise when prolonged or excessive sleep impedes an individual from fully engaging in and enjoying their life to the fullest,” she adds. Let’s get into it. 

It’s winter.

In case you needed a little validation, about 34% of people surveyed in 2020 said that they sleep more in the winter than at other times of the year, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Yep, checks out. 

The theory is that “during the winter months, as daylight dwindles and temperatures plummet, our circadian rhythms undergo alterations,” explains therapist Hager, and that might impact your snooze. 

Though there’s still a lot we don’t know about how seasons impact sleep, some research suggests that people with sleep disorders have longer REM (rapid eye movement) cycles in the winter than they do in the spring. While it’s not clear if the same goes for people without sleep conditions, it could indicate how daylight (or lack thereof) impacts the time we spend in bed. 

Scientific receipts aside, if you find that your body enjoys an earlier bedtime in the winter, it’s OK to let it happen, says therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT. He’s found that many of his clients need or want more sleep in the winter than other seasons (kinda like hibernating animals), and there’s really no reason to fight it, he adds. Just give in. 

You’re burned out.

If you’ve ever been mentally burned to a crisp, you know how much it sucks. This struggle is caused by prolonged stress. Though the World Health Organization attributes burnout to work stress, it can happen for a lot of reasons, including caregiving (see: caregiver burnout). 

The idea is that if you’re doing too much at work, at home, or both, over time it can impact you mentally and physically—including your sleep habits, says Dr. Tal. You might cancel plans to catch up on Zs, get 11 hours and still feel exhausted, or feel generally unmotivated to do anything that’s not being unconscious. 

If you think burnout is behind your longer slumbers, find ways to relax and give yourself a chance to rest, says Johnston. Over time, as you feel more rested, you’ll be able to get back on your feet and ready to tackle whatever’s on your plate (while taking as many breaks as you can, of course).

You’re depressed.

Dr. Tal explains that suddenly needing way more sleep than normal can be a sign of depression, but it’s not the only symptom. With major depressive disorder (or MDD), you’ll have a sense of sadness, hopelessness, or emptiness that’s hard to shake. You’ll also have a lack of interest in your day-to-day activities (even the ones that feel good) and feel worthless, tired, or slow. You might even be eating more or less than usual. If all this lasts for at least two weeks straight, you might meet the criteria for major depressive disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

“If you notice other symptoms, this can give you more information if the tiredness is depression or not,” Johnston says. Experiencing depressive symptoms doesn’t always mean major depressive disorder—it could also be a depressive episode in bipolar disorder or adjustment disorder, which is triggered by a big life change. Depression associated with your menstrual cycle, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder, is a thing too, per the DSM-5-TR.

In any case—even if you don’t think you’re experiencing a diagnosable condition—it can be worth asking, “Is sleep interrupting my life or causing a lot of distress?” Dr. Tal explains. If so, it might be helpful to seek out some help from a mental health pro.

You’re stressed.

Even if you’re not fully burned out, day-to-day stress can make you want to sleep it off, says Dr. Tal. “Everybody has a physical reaction to stress. Some people sleep less when they’re stressed; some people sleep more.”

If you’ve noticed that your average sleep time is off the charts lately, think about what’s been going on in your life, says psychotherapist Avi Klein, LCSW. Ask what could be affecting you. If the stuff that comes to mind doesn’t seem like the culprit and you can’t come up with anything else, consider, Even if I don’t think it’s a big deal, would someone else think it is? That can help you pinpoint the problem.

Of course, just calling out your busy time at work or recent exhausting (but fun!) vacation won’t necessarily solve the problem. Maybe you can’t do much about it. But even if the problem isn’t fixable, try to come up with strategies that enable you to feel generally better so you can manage the stress without sleeping so much, says Hager. That could look like getting real consistent with your sleep routine, moving around a little more when you can, and taking breaks during the workday, she says. 

You have a sleep disorder. 

While there’s no specific condition for “sleeping too much,” there happens to be an entire section of the DSM-5-TR dedicated to “sleep-wake disorders.” People who have these feel like the quality, timing, and amount of sleep they get impacts how they function when they’re awake, according to the DSM-5-TR. And, yeah, that includes disorders that have sleeping too much or EDS as a symptom. Here are the ones sleep psychologists like Dr. Tal look into first. 

Sleep Apnea: There are a bunch of different kinds of sleep apnea, but, in general, these conditions happen when your breathing stops at different points as you’re sleeping, even if you don’t realize it. As a result, you don’t end up getting legit rest when you doze off. Dr. Tal explains that one tell-tale sign of sleep apnea is waking up in the morning after a full night’s sleep and feeling as if you only got a wink or two. 

But to figure out if this is definitely what’s going on, you’ll need to have what’s called a sleep study (also known as polysomnography), where doctors track your brain waves, blood oxygen levels, heart rate, breathing, and eye and leg movements while you sleep. These usually happen in a hospital, clinic, or sometimes in your own home, according to the National Library of Medicine. Dr. Tal says that, after a sleep apnea diagnosis, your doctor might prescribe a machine to help you breathe at night called a CPAP, or continuous positive airway pressure. It shoots air into your nose to keep your airways open as you sleep, which is a lot more restful than it sounds. 

Narcolepsy: When you can’t stay awake, can’t not nap, or fall asleep unintentionally during the day—no matter how much sleep you got the night before—you might be dealing with narcolepsy. If these “sleep attacks” happen at least three times a week for three months or more, that’s your sign to see a physician who can set you up with more tests (including a sleep study) to figure out what’s going on and rule out other disorders. People with narcolepsy can take a prescription stimulant to stay alert during the day or a medication to improve sleep at night, says Dr. Tal. 

Hypersomnolence Disorder: The main symptom of this mental health condition is…excessive sleepiness. More specifically, sleeping for seven hours or more and either falling asleep during the day, not feeling refreshed after super-long snoozes, or struggling to fully wake up when your alarm or something/someone else abruptly wakes you up (or all of the above), per the DSM-5-TR. 

In order to be diagnosed, you’ll need to experience that sleep struggle for at least three days a week for three months straight. Those symptoms also have to disrupt your work, your relationships, or the way you think and feel. 

If you’ve already been tested for other sleep disorders like narcolepsy or sleep apnea, this might be what’s up. When that’s the case, a prescription stimulant can be helpful, as can cognitive behavioral therapy to learn skills to feel more awake during the day, says Dr. Tal.

The bottom line: Sleep is weird, and we don’t all follow the same habits and patterns. Still, if you feel like your normal has been off for a while and you can’t stop, won’t stop sleeping, it can’t hurt to seek some help from a mental health pro or your doctor. They can point you in the right direction to get back on track.

The post Here’s Why You’re Sleeping So Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 01.03.24

We Asked 8 Therapists for the New Year’s Resolutions They Totally Abandoned

Welcome to Club Fail. It’s chiller here. ByAli Finney

Around week two or three of January, the New Year, New You magic wears off, and we revert to being the same people as ever. We eat like humans eat. We exercise as it fits our schedule. And the chair in the corner? Yeah, there are clothes on it.

That’s because setting big, arbitrary goals usually doesn’t address the heart of whatever problem you’re trying to solve. For example, wanting to be less messy doesn’t magically put more hours in the day for you to straighten up your living room and put the dishes away and finally do that giant load of laundry. Other times those high hopes are just too broad.

Sure, sticking with goals that are more specific and achievable can better set you up for success. But it’s also worth noting that the lack of a resolution (or the inability—or, frankly, disinterest—in sticking with one) doesn’t make you a bad, lazy, unmotivated person. Despite what wellness influencers may have told you, taking care of yourself doesn’t require a lifetime of constant self-improvements. 

So, to make you feel less alone and less pressured to achieve big things in the year ahead, we asked therapists to tell us about their failed or forgotten New Year’s resolutions. Look at that, they’re just like us. 

1. Meditate every day.

“About 20 years ago I planned a New Year’s resolution to meditate for 30 minutes every day and to stick to it with discipline. I did pretty well for the first week, but I immediately noticed that I had attached a great deal of perfectionism to it. I chose to meditate for way too long, proving to be too ambitious. Time constraints, work, travel, illness, forgetting to do it, and all kinds of other things distracted me from that.

Every time I only partially completed 30 minutes each day—or when I completely forgot to do it—I felt like a failure. Moderate feelings of shame also popped up. Eventually, I abandoned it. I later realized that my perfectionism was way too unforgiving. It was all or nothing. So, I went back to the drawing board.

I learned that the only way to achieve a New Year’s resolution is to play the short game. The short game is easier to accomplish. I broke it down into smaller increments and made it measurable and achievable. This gave me the best chance for success. The all-or-nothing mentality is too rigid. Plus, meditation is a process orientation exercise, not a results orientation exercise. It doesn’t seek excellence or exactness. It’s a choice, not an obligation.” —John Tsilimparis, MFT, psychotherapist 

2. Literally any resolution.

“I’ve let go of making resolutions. I used to make them, but they always felt like an assignment rather than an inspiration. I’m naturally goal-oriented. But that means a lot of my bandwidth is taken up with working towards goals, so I certainly don’t need to layer on more by making resolutions. Instead, I’m leaning into the opposite of my temperament, which means making more room for doing things simply because I like them or because I love the people I do them with.” —Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, clinical psychologist 

3. Make new friends.

“When I think about the year ahead, I often think about my social life, and how it takes a backseat to my career and family. I think this resolution usually comes with good intentions of being more than just a therapist, wife, and mom. But this year, I’m going to try to nurture and deepen existing friendships that may have gotten lost in the shuffle with busy schedules and work commitments.” —Krystal Shipps, LCPC, therapist 

4. Be healthier.

“For many years, I vaguely challenged myself to ‘become healthier’, but until I set up an optimal morning with a specific routine in addition to rituals around sleep, meditation, movement, and nutrition, I did not see the results I was looking for to optimize my vitality. In my personal experience, grouping together key actions and activities in the morning and evening helped to program the daily habits into my implicit procedural memory. 

For example, when I wake up at the same time each day, my water and vitamins are near my gym clothes, my headphones are charged, and I have already Identified a podcast or playlist I am excited to listen to while I workout. The practice of setting up a ritual and environment conducive to your larger goals will get you to where you want to be.” —Gillian O’Shea Brown, LCSW, psychotherapist 

5. Setting goals for the year.

“I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions and can’t remember the last time I set one. My tradition is to write down and find ways to celebrate the past year. This feels more helpful than looking ahead. So now my approach to the future is to focus on wonder. For example, ‘I wonder where life will take me this year,’ which brings a feeling of curiosity and enthusiasm.”—Nina Polyne, PsyD, clinical psychologist 

6. Reading one book a month.

“I failed my goal pretty early on and was down on myself. I have found that goals are harder to attain than healthy habits. I try to now adjust my resolutions to reflect a habit I would like to integrate into my life more regularly, rather than a finite goal. So, for example, I like to read 10 minutes a day. It’s manageable and small but adds up over time, and it’s about adding more reading into my life versus book completion. Also, I’m happy if I do it four or five days a week versus every day. The consistency helps the habit to be more a part of my routine. Being less rigid with the outcome is key!” —Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical psychologist 

7. Journaling every day.

“I’ve always loved journaling as a way to clarify my thoughts and process experiences and memories. So a few years ago, I made a resolution to do it every day. This plan seemed like a good idea, but, for me, it wasn’t. Before the first week was over, I found myself dreading my time writing in the journal, as it became an obligation instead of a helpful resource. I changed my resolution to ‘journal whenever I need to process a problem or emotion,’ and that worked much better. I probably journaled once every three days and felt like the time was much better spent. Making this minor adjustment helped me feel like the journal was serving me rather than me serving the journal.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, clinical psychologist

8. Working out way more often.

“I have so many failed New Year’s resolutions in the past—regular exercise being the most frequent—but the biggest mistake has been to expect ‘perfect’ and jump into a 1-hour 5-days-per-week routine during a season when we get barely any sunlight, energy tends to be low, there’s post-holiday stress, and gyms are extremely crowded. Over time, I realized that making small changes that are more likely to become permanent and finding the right time to make them is the key to being successful!” —Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, psychiatrist

The post We Asked 8 Therapists for the New Year’s Resolutions They Totally Abandoned appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.15.23

11 Things to Keep in Mind If You’re Feeling Behind in Life

No one knows WTF they’re doing anyway. ByAli Finney

Open your Instagram on any given day and you’re bound to find about 50 people doing cool shit or reaching life milestones you haven’t even thought about yet. Big jobs, cool vacations, mortgages, kids, it’s all there. So, yeah, it makes sense if you’re feeling lost. 

No matter how much you’ve achieved or where you find yourself, “if you compare, you despair—it’s just a fact,” says psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT. This is yet another thing you can blame on ~society~. Between the 30 Under 30 lists and the social media comparison trap, it can feel like we’ve turned life into a competition, says licensed clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. 

So how do you deal? First, experts want you to know that these feelings are fairly universal. “Many clients describe it as a ‘hamster wheel’ effect,” says clinical psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. You’re working hard but feel like you’re getting nowhere. 

Then, try to set that arbitrary timeline to the side, suggests licensed clinical psychologist Thomas Vance, PhD. “There were moments when I felt like I had gone down the wrong path; I hadn’t ‘started life’ yet, and I needed to catch up,” he says. “Over time, I realized that ‘fast is not always good’ and that ‘life is a journey, not a destination,’ meaning that we are all on our path and that there is no time clock for one’s growth.”

That’s solid advice, but obviously it’s all easier said than done when you’re in the thick of a  what-was-I-made-for type of mood. So we asked these experts and people who’ve been there for some helpful reminders that anyone feeling lost or behind in life needs to hear. It might not cure your existential or mid-life crisis, but it’s a solid start. 

1. Failure is just part of the process.

“A common misconception is that success is a linear, failure-free journey, which is not true. When we’re trying to achieve our life goals, we will come across setbacks, and overcoming adversity is necessary for growth and building mental and emotional resilience. If you are trying to succeed in life, it’s important to be open to obstacles. When they come up, remember you can do hard things.” —Minaa B., LSW, mental health educator, and author of Owning Our Struggles.

2. Let your interests guide you.

“When we compare our progress in life to others, we can sometimes bypass ourselves, our interests, desires, goals, and dreams to stay on the well-marked path. But if this path is not aligned with who you are, it becomes routine and mundane and we begin to resent it. If we work toward goals that allow us to feel a connection between our talents and overall purpose in this world, we will feel fulfilled even with the bumps along the way.” —Dr. Wang

3. Do something nice for yourself.

“When I’m feeling existential about my goals and how far I am in life, I do something that makes me feel good and less stressed out. Instead of being paralyzed or overwhelmed by the fear of being left behind, I use it as an opportunity to alleviate that angst.” —Paige W., 45

4. Lend a hand to someone else.

“I know it seems counterintuitive to give up time when I feel like life is passing me by, but there’s nothing quite like helping my friends or a stranger to remind me of my skills and talents.” —Erica S. 28

5.  Normalize comparison, and then forget it.

“It’s natural to compare ourselves to others, but it can make us feel inadequate and prevent us from growing. Instead of focusing on how far along others are, concentrate on setting personal goals based on your values and aspirations (not anyone else’s). Then, try to find some gratitude for your journey and accomplishments.” —Dr. Vance

6. Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

“Take note of how you feel in your body when you see posts from individuals you know personally or individuals you follow on social media who navigate life in a way that excites you. Ditto if you meet them in person. If you feel expanded and energetic, that might be a sign that you can or want to accomplish goals similar to theirs in the future. Spending time with them or with their content may help encourage you.” —Dr. Polyné 

7. You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

“There are so many successful people in my industry who are the same age or younger than me making bank, publishing books, or running entire brands. That can be a real mind fuck. But before I can spiral too far, I remember that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. And who’s to say I won’t be just as successful as those people in the future?” —Ashley O., 33

8. Just existing is impressive.

“It’s great that activists and entrepreneurs exist and are all about chasing their passions, but my life isn’t any less important or valid because I’m content prioritizing values like safety! financial security! And, like, realizing stuff! IMO, that’s a way more reliable and less intimidating way to exist than a vague guiding light.” —Anonymous 

9. Throw a damn party for paying your rent on time

“When you’re only focused on what you have yet to accomplish, it impacts your self-worth. So by focusing on what you’ve already done, no matter how big or small, you’re honoring your resilience. That’s why celebrating yourself is key!” —Dr. Polyné

10. Focusing on results sucks.

“A lot of us adhere to a results-oriented outlook on life. That’s when you feel like you have to have the right answers all of the time, those answers have to come quickly, and they must be diligently followed. When you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes, you can become unforgiving of yourself, controlling, and perfectionistic. You can also rely on others for approval rather than yourself. Instead of subscribing to that unsustainable lifestyle, remember that good things come via growth. You don’t always have to have the answer.” —Tsilimparis

11. Being happy is enough.

“When I’m happy and enjoying where I’m at, that’s great! I just continue to enjoy it. If not, I look for opportunities to find happiness and set goals that will get me there.” —Kelly L., 31

The post 11 Things to Keep in Mind If You’re Feeling Behind in Life appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.20.23

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive, Petty-as-Hell Behavior

Sticky notes on the fridge, meet your damn match. ByAli Finney

I’m about to put myself on blast: Whenever my husband comes home late from work—stressed, exhausted, and clearly feeling guilty that he missed bathtime with our twin boys—most of the time, I say something along the lines of, “No worries! You’ll be here tomorrow.” But on the really rough days (see: 7-month-old twins), it goes something like: “I wish I had such a demanding job…just kidding!” Clearly, I am not kidding. This is passive-aggressive behavior.

Honestly, it happens to the best of us. Our partners, friends, colleagues, and family all have bad moments, says psychologist Kelsey Latimer, PhD. When we’re tired, emotionally triggered, or just not our best selves (hi!), we can give in to the urge to drop a smart-ass comment. 

Sometimes, that urge bubbles up when we feel like we can’t communicate our feelings or needs directly, says psychotherapist Chase Cassine, LCSW. So we make a “joke” of it, use the silent treatment, or opt for a sticky note to the fridge. 

Hopefully, once we cool down, we see the errors of our petty ways and apologize, says Dr. Latimer. But, as we all know, that’s not usually the case. People with passive-aggressive personality styles exist, explains Dr. Latimer. And despite their consistently thorny jabs, they might not even realize they’re doing it, says Cassine. If that’s what’s up, it could stem from some deep stuff like childhood trauma that caused “a fear of conflict, rejection, and vulnerability.” To be fair, it could also happen when someone wants to “evade accountability for their incongruent words and actions,” he adds. 

While the origin story of this behavior might inspire a little empathy for whoever’s being salty, which is always good, the passive-aggression fest might not stop until you call it out. And that is why we’ve gathered here today. Below, we explain what you can do to end the drama.

Don’t match the energy.

When a friend is operating in backhanded compliments and sarcasm, it’s incredibly easy to give them a dose of their own medicine. But Cassine says that’s counterproductive to resolving whatever issue you have at hand. Sure this seems obvious, but we could probably all use this reminder. “Sometimes we want to one-up people who are passive-aggressive, but that can just create a bigger conflict,” says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, who’s part of Wondermind’s advisory committee. I mean, has anything good ever come from responding to a passive-aggressive sticky note with another passive-aggressive sticky note? Probably not.

Instead, “maintain a calm, mindful, and non-reactive approach,” says clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, PsyD. Take a breath, a walk, or just get some space before you respond if your instinct is to come for them.

Call them out—politely. 

When someone is being passive-aggressive, it often helps to respond with assertive communication, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, who’s also a member of Wondermind’s advisory committee. That looks like this: Tell them what you’re seeing (their sticky note with sarcastic undertones), tell them how that’s making you feel, and tell them what you’d prefer. 

You could start that with something like: “The way I’m reading this note seems like you might be upset or annoyed, am I sensing this accurately? I could be off, but I wanted to check,” says Dr. Howes. Maybe they’ll be honest with you right away and share the origin story of their saltiness. “Sometimes being confronted is disarming and they’ll tell you more,” explains Dr. Howes.

If they say they meant it earnestly (whether that’s true or not), you can move on to how that note made you feel. This approach is effective because it puts your feelings about the other person’s behavior on the table and paves the way for a healthier dialogue now and in the future, says Cassine. The convo seems less like an accusation and more like you’re just being open with them.

Finally, be honest about how you’d like them to communicate with you going forward. Yes, discussing how their sarcasm makes you feel is a start, but don’t let them off the hook too quickly. By being straightforward about how you’d like them to be direct or even (gasp) polite in the future, you won’t wonder if you were too wishy-washy if/when they keep being an asshole, says Cassine. 

You can say something like, “Look, your sarcastic joke about how much I take out the trash made me feel uncomfortable, and I’d like us to be honest and candid about things that upset us rather than sarcastic or passive.” You’re meeting their passive-aggressive comments with direct feedback. After that, it’s on them. 

Be open to taking accountability. 

Even if their delivery is off, Mr. Petty might have a point. So when your roommate’s response to you calling out their sarcasm is, “I’m really angry that you never pay your half of the utilities on time,” maybe sit with that for a sec. Feedback on how your behavior impacts other people can be really valuable, says Dr. Lattimer. “Listen to that and try to take it in.”

If you’re actually in the wrong, you can (and definitely should) acknowledge that. But it’s also OK to say you’d like them to address the problem directly from here on out. 

Set a boundary. 

When the problem is them and their inability to express themselves without being a jerk, it’s time to set some boundaries in the name of self-care, says Cassine. Putting some ground rules in place for the kind of actions you won’t put up with anymore enables you to be proactive instead of reactive, says Dr. Lattimer. That will make addressing their shitty communication style quicker and less of a big deal for you, she adds. 

Say your mom likes to throw shade at you during family events. Instead of summoning the courage in the moment to respond with something like, “This hurts my feelings and I’m going to leave the room now,” you can tell her in advance. Explain what’s gonna go down the next time she drops a, “She never calls me anymore,” loudly to your aunt—and stick to your word if she does it anyway. 

In doing so, you can start to cut down on the opportunities for petty stuff to show up in your dynamic.

At work, give the communication you want to receive.

Of course, it’s harder to set boundaries or avoid the petty people you work with. But setting an example of how to communicate (as in, being the bigger person) might make a difference, explains Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and host of the Mentally Strong Podcast.

Maybe you’re collaborating with a coworker on a project and ask if they’d be open to taking on a specific task. If they respond with an exasperated “K,” your next move might be saying (genuinely!), “Thank you so much for your help! If you think there’s another area you’d rather work on, let me know and we can rethink the workload!” Morin says that people who operate in passive-aggressive manners can learn to communicate more directly when others model it for them. 

Seeing you respond this way might show them that there are other ways to create a path forward when they don’t agree with someone, she adds. 

Try on some radical acceptance.

You can set all the boundaries and make yourself available for direct conversations a million times, but sometimes petty people are gonna be petty. When that’s your experience, accepting that this is just how they are can make you feel less powerless, says Minaa B., LMSW, a therapist, social worker, and author (who is also on Wondermind’s advisory committee). “We can’t change people,” explains Minaa B. “If they’re not doing their own work, then there’s still a likelihood that they won’t be receptive. People can still choose to be passive-aggressive.” 

Instead of trying to fix your dynamic, try to honor that this person is difficult, and create boundaries within yourself to help deal. That might mean avoiding them entirely or not allowing their backhanded compliments to get to you. Whatever you’ve gotta do to make this easier, do it. 

Talk it over with a professional.

When you’ve exhausted your options or you can’t get out of a situation—like a job, a two-year apartment lease with a chaos monster, or family drama—a therapist can help. Finding a mental health pro will enable you to come up with coping mechanisms, manage the issues as they happen, and deal with the emotional aftermath, says Dr. Lattimer. And who doesn’t need that? 

The post How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive, Petty-as-Hell Behavior appeared first on Wondermind.