Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit

Pregame your next function with these tips. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s rare to find someone who never feels nervous speaking in front of a crowd or making small talk with strangers at a party. (Though, if that’s you, please tell us your secrets.) We all want to make a good impression and genuinely connect with people. That said, if anxious thoughts and feelings become all-consuming, you might be dealing with social anxiety or social anxiety disorder.

ICYMI, social anxiety exists on a spectrum, meaning this is something you can experience a little or lot, even if you don’t fit the criteria for social anxiety disorder. Generally speaking though, if you fear being judged or rejected by others, replay slip-ups in your head, and alter your life to avoid people—and this has been going on consistently for at least six months—you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or you’re just sick of feeling anxious in pretty much every social situation, there are lots of ways to deal with social anxiety. Here, we asked people to share what’s in their social anxiety toolkit. Feel free to borrow their tools for your next dinner party. 

1. A book that breaks down the benefits of being social

“Just like there are books about how to be a better parent or run a better business, there are books about how to be a better friend,” says Smiley Poswolsky, speaker and author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness. 

If your social anxiety gets in the way of making and keeping strong friendships, it might be time to take a beat and explore why these relationships can be such a boon for your health and happiness.

He recommends The Art and Science of Connection by social scientist Kasley Killam, MPH. In the book, Killam lays out why fostering meaningful relationships and prioritizing community boosts your physical and mental well-being. She unpacks the science behind human connection and offers practical tips to help you mingle, chat, or bond better with just about anyone.

2. Meditations that help you be nicer to yourself

If your self-talk sounds like a bully every time you’re getting ready to go be social, cultivating some self-compassion can help manage social anxiety, says Killam (author of the newsletter Social Health With Kasley Killam). 

Killam explains that, back when she struggled to open up to other people, self-compassion meditations taught her how to be kinder and more accepting of herself. That enabled her to become more comfortable around others, she explains. 

And that tracks: When you don’t hold yourself to super high standards or unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to be yourself. Plus, a self-compassion practice can remind you that you’re awesome. That self-esteem boost might make you more likely to believe others think you’re awesome too. All of this can be especially helpful for people with social anxiety. 

If you’re down, Killam recommends these free self-compassion meditations and exercises from researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, as a helpful starting point. 

3. Putting your anxious thoughts on trial

Social anxiety can seriously distort your self-image by fueling the idea that you’re too much or not enough compared to others. So, if your social anxiety has done a number on your self-esteem, Melinde Huez, a confidence coach and host of the podcast Behind the Layers, recommends these journal prompts to flip the script.

1. Write down the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Focus on the ones that carry the most weight. For example: My friends don’t actually like me, I’m not interesting enough to hold good conversations, or, People think I’m weird.
2. Then, write down what you wish you believed about yourself. It could be, My friends love to spend time with me, I ask thoughtful questions, or I make people feel good.
3. For the next couple of weeks, jot down the moments that back up those aspirational beliefs. Did your friends invite you to hang out this week or accept your invite? Did you have a nice conversation with someone new? Did someone thank you for being kind? Over time, you’ll likely notice those positive beliefs are more realistic than you thought. 

4. Convincing yourself you’re actually excited

Anyone who’s ever been told to just “relax” knows this: It’s impossible to calm down when social anxiety jitters hit. So, instead of trying to white-knuckle your way to calm, reframe that energy as something more joyful, says clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety and the newsletter How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. “It’s hard to slow a racing heart and jangling nerves, even when we tell ourselves to calm down,” Dr. Hendriksen explains. 

She points to a study in which participants sang Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ karaoke-style in front of a researcher. Right before they hit the stage, they were told to say one of five different statements: I am anxious, I am excited, I am calm, I am angry, I am sad. Others were asked to say nothing at all.

The “I am anxious” group performed the worst, while the “I am excited” group put on the best show. Why? Before a high-pressure moment, your body revs up. “So, rather than trying to change our physiology, we can change our mindset.” Saying you’re excited helps you believe it, and makes the anxiety-inducing task feel less like a threat and more like a fun opportunity. 

5. Setting a timer

Sarah Wilson is the author of First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, a book that explores her experience with anxiety and bipolar disorder. As a speaker, she knows what it’s like to “turn it on” around others. “I can go out with one or two people and love it. And I can do a presentation on stage in front of 3,000 people,” she says. But she’s also faced the other end of the spectrum: feeling panicky at a party and wanting to leave immediately. 

When that happens, Wilson tells herself, “This is only going to last about 15 minutes. Let’s sit through it. Let’s do this once. Let’s laugh at it.” When it’s over, you’re free to head out—but you might actually feel OK sticking it out for a bit longer.

6. Facing your fears at improv

Hear us out: An improv class might sound emotionally hellish, but it might be just the thing that helps you deal with your social anxiety, says clinical psychologist and friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.

During improv, you might be asked to participate in group games or exercises that feel silly, nonsensical, and yep, a little awkward (see: anxiety-inducing). Still, these scenarios can help you become a better listener, build confidence in a playful and creative environment, and learn to just go with it. “Having finally followed through on a personal goal and registered in an improv course myself, I can attest to the fact that it’s an incredible opportunity for self-reflection and growth,” Dr. Kirmayer says.

7. An affirmation that shifts the spotlight

Keeping an easy-to-remember affirmation in your back pocket can be a game-changer when you’re feeling tense or tongue-tied. Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for our Friendships and host of the podcast Friend Forward, often gives this one to her clients with social anxiety: Curiosity over performance.

“So much anxiety comes from being fretful over the unknown, so we try to make up for that uncertainty by planning, scripting, and performing,” she explains. But these habits tend to do the opposite of what you want (less fun, less genuine connection). So, when you chat with people, take the focus off yourself by being curious. “Ask questions,” Jackson says. Prioritizing curiosity about the other person over your own performance can help you feel less anxious while also making room for you to be surprised and delighted by whoever you’re talking to. 

8. This much-needed pep talk

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it might be you: Perfection is the enemy of the good—and rarely a catalyst for connection, says Dr. Kirmayer, who is part of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. Because a lot of social anxiety is rooted in the fear of being judged, those dealing with it often feel a deep need to appear perfect. But, unfortunately, that internal pressure to be flawless just backfires, she explains. 

So put a note in your phone or a sticky note on your computer reminding you that perfection gets in the way of connection. “We’re drawn to people who are real, who make mistakes, and who are a little quirky,”  Dr. Kirmayer says. “We don’t need perfection in others; we crave authenticity.”

9. Telling your inner critic to eff off 

So, you stumbled over your words, overshared at brunch, or cracked a joke that didn’t land. Now you’re replaying the situation in your head and can’t stop sinking into your personal sea of embarrassment. 

When your mind won’t stop ruminating on the bad, social anxiety and confidence coach Bianca Curley recommends ID’ing one good thing that came out of the interaction or event. Then, tell your inner critic, “At least I did it,” or “At least I tried.”

And when all else fails? Tap a literal “F*ck it!” button. For $12, it’ll always be there to tell you what’s up. As she notes, “Take the seriousness out of it—make light of the situation!”

The post 9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.15.25

How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much

Until we find a way to clone you, try this. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s no secret that life can be…a lot. Keeping up with your job, maintaining relationships, and tackling adult responsibilities can easily fill an entire weekend. We’ve all got stuff to do and limited time to do it, but sometimes that mountain of tasks seems totally insurmountable. You know that prioritizing is the only way you’ll get it all done. But how exactly do you prioritize when everything feels equally urgent and the list just keeps getting longer? 

Here, experts explain the most common prioritizing roadblocks and how to get things done anyway (even the stuff you’d normally skip).

Why prioritizing sometimes feels impossible.

For those wading through a particularly overwhelming season of life, organizing what needs to be done and in what order is extra challenging, says Kathryn Lee, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in New York City who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and burnout. Becoming a new parent, caregiving for aging parents, or picking up chores for a sick partner or roommate is hard when life is already brimming with to-dos.

For others, doing all the things all the time is a way of life, says Lee. “Overextending is the only way they have felt valued, wanted, or needed in life,” she explains. For instance, people who grew up anticipating the needs and feelings of others to maintain peace in their household or avoid conflict may have internalized the belief that their needs aren’t important, and they’re constantly deprioritizing themselves. But that doesn’t make prioritizing any easier, even for the chronic overachievers.

Being burned out can also make it hard to plan and execute tasks, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System and author of How Do You Feel? “One of the symptoms of burnout is a reduced sense of personal achievement,” she explains. “It doesn’t necessarily mean you become unproductive, it means you feel unproductive. And feeling unproductive can sometimes make you unproductive. Then you get frustrated and don’t get stuff done.” That vicious cycle can quickly make your to-do list feel never-ending, she adds.

How to start prioritizing more effectively.

No matter what’s getting in the way of you getting things done, here’s how to start moving through your to-do list without panicking (or putting yourself last). 

1. Start with a quick feelings audit to figure out the biggest burden. 

Instead of diving right into an arbitrary task, take a beat to consider what you’re feeling and all the factors contributing to that. Your answers will help you map out where to direct your time and energy, says Dr. Gold.

Are you spiraling because you don’t know how everything on your calendar will get done or because you don’t know where to start? Are you frustrated with your partner for slacking on chores? Are you angry because you don’t feel valued by your boss or a friend who keeps bailing on plans?

For example, if your partner isn’t pulling their weight, you might be better off having a conversation rather than reorganizing your to-do list. If feeling under-appreciated at work is the source of your frustration, maybe spending more time looking for a new role should move to the top of your agenda.

And if you’re feeling overwhelmed by some massive or traumatic event outside of your control, it’s probably worth reaching out for some support (friends, family, a therapist, whoever) first so you aren’t going through the next steps alone. 

2. Don’t skip over the basics.

Not to add more to your to-do list, but making time for some very basic self-care tasks isn’t going to derail your whole day. Actually, it can help you better show up for everyone and everything on your list. 

So if you’re not sure what to prioritize first, start here: eat breakfast, brush your teeth, spend five minutes journaling (or meditate, go on a walk, or whatever activity boosts your mental health). Then take on the rest of your day. 

If you’ve consistently neglected those basic feel-good habits, it’s probably contributing to how ill-prepared you feel to tackle your to-do list. So, going forward, try some little adjustments to help make sure you’re well-rested, fed, hydrated, and fueled for whatever you have to do next. That might look like putting your phone on “do not disturb” at 8 p.m. every night, going to bed just a smidge earlier instead of starting another episode, blocking 30 minutes on your calendar to eat lunch or go for a walk each day. (You wouldn’t skip a work meeting, right?)

3. Do a brain dump of everything weighing on you.

Now, it’s time to make The List. Jot down all the things you need (or want) to take care of that are cluttering your mental space. Don’t hold back—include your work responsibilities, commitments to friends and family, the habits you’re trying to start or sustain, and the random projects you want to take on.

Even if you can’t realistically do all of that today (or even this year), the goal is to relieve the pressure to remember everything you want to get done, says psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, a clinical assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry at New York University Langone Health. 

4. Find the to-dos that fuel you.

Think of yourself as a battery containing emotional energy. “Some things drain us, some things charge us, some things have no impact,” says Dr. Gold. Being aware of that can help you pinpoint the tasks and goals that matter most to you. 

Take a beat to reflect on that massive list you just made. What gives you life? Ask yourself: Am I excited for this? Do I look forward to it? Is this something I want to make time for? Lee says. Make a note of the ones you’re hyped about. 

By the way, if nothing on this list excites you, add in things that do! It could be as simple as watching more reality TV or reading a new fantasy novel.

It might even be worth highlighting these in a certain color so you can make sure to sprinkle them into your prioritized list, even if they aren’t the most pressing things. 

5. Organize what’s important and urgent—and what’s not.

OK, we’ve finally arrived at prioritization station. To manage everything on your giant list, Dr. Stern suggests categorizing every task using two criteria: important and urgent. This breaks down into four buckets: important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important but urgent, and not important and not urgent. (She recommends using the Eisenhower Matrix as a helpful visual.) 

The things that are both important and urgent, like paying bills and feeding yourself/your family, should stay on your list and move toward the top. The stuff that’s important but not urgent, like, say, negotiating your cable bill, can get pushed down the list. The urgent things that aren’t super important, like your favorite spin class or that pile of dirty laundry, are things you might be able to skip, delay, or delegate.  This is the time for you to practice saying no and asking for help. 

The rest of your list should be things that are not important and not urgent. All of these (with the exception of those basic self-care tasks and a few things that truly fuel you) can be moved to the bottom of the list or deleted altogether. Now we’re cooking! 

6. Zap the energy suckers.

Even with a consolidated list, try to stay flexible, says Lee. Instead of mandating that everything must happen, use your feelings and your bandwidth to determine what habits or tasks are working and what aren’t. For example, if you’re blocking out time for a new hobby but it’s not as fun as you imagined, don’t force it, she adds. It’s OK if it doesn’t make sense anymore.

That said, it’s worth digging deeper when your gut reaction is to avoid something you know brings you joy. “Sometimes when we say no, it’s just because we’re overwhelmed and don’t recognize that,” Dr. Gold says. In those cases, it could be worth delegating some of your other tasks or finding a smaller-scale way to make that activity work. Maybe you read a book a month instead of a book a week or train for a 5k instead of a half marathon.

7. Give yourself a break.

Prioritizing every part of life is hard and everyone struggles with it, Dr. Gold says. So a little self-compassion goes a long way when you’re running on empty and pummeled by calendar invites. 

When that happens, take a break from your agenda and get grounded by taking a walk outside, hopping in the bathtub, or doing a mindfulness exercise. If that’s not possible, try responding to negative thoughts and rude self-talk the way you’d speak to a friend. You can recite some realistic positive affirmations. 

And, of course, if this becomes a pattern or you’re dealing with mental health symptoms that make it hard to function, consider reaching out to a therapist for help. Maybe this process isn’t working or it’s bringing up other stuff, like people-pleasing, perfectionism, distraction, anxiety, or whatever, a mental health pro can help you get to the root of the issue, says Dr. Stern.

The post How to Prioritize When It’s All Too Much appeared first on Wondermind.