Explainer Link Copied 12.31.24

“Back to Bed Syndrome” Is the Reason Why You Want to Give Up Halfway Through the Day

Can we get a do-over? ByAshley Laderer

It’s one of those days. The lid gave way on your $7 latte and now you’re wearing it. You completely dropped the ball on something at work. You have zero energy and even less motivation to answer the 37 unread emails piling up in your inbox. Oh, and your credit card bill is due today! 

All you want to do is go back to bed. Give up. Try again tomorrow. 

Sound familiar? Welcome to what we’ve not-so-lovingly coined: Back to Bed Syndrome.

What is Back to Bed Syndrome? 

OK, so it’s not exactly a clinical term, but it’s a phrase we came up with to refer to that inescapable urge to call it a day and book it back to your bed when something/everything seems to be going wrong.

According to the experts, there are a few explanations for this relatable reaction. “It’s kind of like a nervous system overactivation. When we’re so overwhelmed or distressed, we down-regulate activity. We start to get numb or dissociate,” says licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. “This feels like a way to cope when we’re disappointed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.” 

You can also think of it as a combination of both the “flight” and “freeze” responses. “There’s this desire to leave the current situation that’s too overwhelming––that kind of ‘flee’ response,” says Dr. Wang. “Then, you want to avoid, deny, or dissociate. That’s the ‘freeze’ quality, where you think, This is too overwhelming and I can’t continue to focus on the stimuli that are overwhelming me.” 

There’s also some escapism at play here, says Dr. Wang. You don’t want to deal with the stress at hand—you just want to escape, even if just back to your own (super cozy, warm, inviting) bed. 

Why are we like this?

Often this reaction is the result of a cognitive distortion, also known as an unhelpful pattern of thinking. “I would say it is largely ‘all-or-nothing’ or ‘black-and-white’ thinking,” says licensed clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD. 

An example of this is when you make a mistake and think, WELP, I’m a failure! Can’t do anything right! I give up! instead of a more rational response, like, Everybody messes up—including me. Let’s think about how to fix it. Or maybe your day just feels like a series of losses and you assume that literally nothing will go right the rest of the day. This can certainly give you the urge to go back to bed and have a do-over tomorrow, says Dr. Stern.

So sometimes you can blame Back to Bed Syndrome on your brain. But other times it may be more of a gradual buildup of both psychological and physiological stressors, says Dr. Wang. It’s worth asking yourself what factors might be contributing at the moment. Have you been sick? Not getting enough sleep? Are you about to get your period? What’s your water-to-coffee ratio like today? “All of these things can slowly begin to amp up the body so that it just can’t tolerate any kind of distressing stimuli,” Dr. Wang explains.

Plus, people with certain mental health conditions might find this especially relatable. “Individuals with depression tend to have lower levels of motivation and energy, so it can be harder for them to fight through this process,” Dr. Stern says. “People with ADHD may also have lower levels of motivation, especially for tasks they do not want to do––which may make them more likely to deviate from their plan.” 

For example, if you get a less-than-perfect performance review at work in the midst of a depressive episode, it’s probably more likely to send you into a rabbit hole of cognitive distortions, negative thought patterns, and big emotions, as opposed to someone who isn’t currently struggling with their mental health, says Dr. Wang.

How to know if it’s a problem

Feeling like you want to pack it in and hide under the covers every once in a while is completely normal, says Dr. Stern. So is giving in to that urge occasionally. After all, we can’t be expected to be productive all the time. But if you find that your bed escapes are impacting your work (like if you can’t keep up with the tasks you need to complete), relationships (you have trouble communicating with the important people in your life), or life in general (you can’t fulfill your obligations), that’s a sign it’s becoming a problem, says Dr. Stern.

Or if you’re noticing Back to Bed Syndrome striking a lot more than usual, that’s another red flag, Dr. Wang says. At this point, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself why this is happening again and again. Maybe you’re super burned out and spread too thin at your job. Maybe you have unresolved trauma that’s holding you back from functioning optimally at work or otherwise. 

If you have a history of mental health issues or a diagnosed mental health condition, this would be a good time to check in with your therapist or psychiatrist to let them know that you’re regularly retreating from life more than you used to. They might have suggestions for tweaking your treatment plan to help you navigate daily setbacks more easily. 

And if you haven’t sought mental health help before, this might be the push you need to talk to someone, says Dr. Stern. It might not seem like a big deal to say eff it to your day every once in a while, but if that urge is getting in the way of your life, that’s a pretty big sign you could use some support.

How to keep going when you can’t just go back to bed

As much as we’d love to go back to bed whenever we want, this isn’t usually a possibility, thanks to various responsibilities (and capitalism). Here are some tips to try to turn your day around—or at least make it suck a little less—until you finally can go back to bed.

1. Simplify your schedule.

If possible, Dr. Wang suggests trying to cut down on your schedule for the rest of the day. Are there any commitments you can get out of or push to another day? Any meetings that can just be an email? A deadline extension you can ask for? Dinner plans you can cancel? Taking something off your plate can help you feel like you aren’t on the hook for so much, allowing your nervous system to calm down a bit, she adds.

2. Delegate.

Remember: You don’t have to do everything by yourself all the time. You’re allowed to ask for help. And there’s probably at least one person in your orbit who can help you with at least one of the tasks you’re dreading today. 

“If you’re having trouble doing the things you need to, see if there is a way you can ask someone trusted for help,” Dr. Stern says. “Call up a friend or colleague to talk out an idea or delegate a piece that feels like too much.” 

3. Don’t stress about the details.  

You know the saying: Done is better than perfect. If you’re already spread too thin and stressed out, holding yourself to perfectionist standards won’t do you any good. “Progress over perfection is always the goal. Something is better than nothing,” says Dr. Wang. “Take the tiniest achievable step, even if it isn’t the ultimate goal, because it is practice for more steps tomorrow.”

Remember that you’re human, not a robot, and nobody’s perfect. Give yourself a break, especially on days when you’re really feeling the urge to quit and go back to bed. 

4. Take the scariest thing and break it up into smaller chunks.  

When you break a big project or task into little steps, it can feel a lot more do-able. “If you’re having a difficult time keeping up with tasks that you need to complete, write a concrete, gentle plan for how you will effectively complete it,” Dr. Stern says. 

This also helps counter the all-or-nothing thinking that’s telling you to just avoid this task entirely because there’s no way you can finish it today. Sure, that may be true, but could you check off one or two small steps today as a favor to Future You? 

5. Try a low-lift grounding exercise.

If you feel like you’re about to crash out but you can’t really just quit your job and haul ass back to bed, try to at least excuse yourself for a moment (head to the bathroom or take a walk around the block) so you can focus on grounding. 

Grounding exercises are designed to bring us out of our heads and into the here and now, Dr. Wang says. “Sensory experiences allow the mind to temporarily release from the rumination of the mind that can exacerbate our stress,” she adds.

And they don’t need to take a lot of time and effort. For example, Dr. Wang says you can try drinking an ice-cold carbonated drink and really noticing all the sensations that come along with it, or splashing your face with cold water. If you’re WFH, you could even take a quick cold shower for a DIY cold plunge effect. Another great option: the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you look for 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can feel, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. 

6. Be a body in motion.

“Physical activity can be helpful because, when the nervous system is amped up, it’s looking for somewhere for that energy to go,” Dr. Wang says. “For people with anxiety or depression, movement is often helpful for them to be able to discharge some angst.” 

And no, we don’t mean booking it back to bed. Countering your urge to faceplant into the nearest soft surface with a little bit of movement is a great example of practicing “opposite action,” which is a go-to Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill. Basically, you do the opposite of what you want to do just to get a little momentum going. Sometimes, that’s enough to trick your mind and body into going on about your day.  

So try getting some movement in where you can, whether that’s walking around while you vent to someone on the phone, laying on the floor and doing some stretches, or forcing yourself to take a little dance break. 

7. Treat yourself.

Listen, if you have to negotiate with yourself to keep being an adult today, so be it. Dr. Stern suggests pinpointing some rewards you can give yourself to make your day more enjoyable. Maybe you treat yourself to 10 minutes of TikTok scrolling once you finish a task, you make a lunch or dinner plan with your work bestie so that the whole day isn’t a bust, or you promise yourself an hour of mind-numbing TV the second you get home. Pick whatever motivates you the most to get through the day. You’ve earned it.

The post “Back to Bed Syndrome” Is the Reason Why You Want to Give Up Halfway Through the Day appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.17.24

12 Ways to Calm Down Fast

None of which include being told to relax. BySam Brodsky

Calling all unchill people: If you’re reading this, you’re probably either currently freaking out or you’re anticipating your next freakout. Maybe your flight just got canceled, your boss called you in for an impromptu meeting, or you’re beyond overwhelmed with something/everything going on in your life. Whatever it is, you can’t deal with one more person telling you to “calm down” unless they’re literally going to lay out the steps for how to calm down! 

We got you. Here, we asked therapists for their go-to ways to calm down fast—no matter what’s contributing to your frenzied state. Don’t forget to bookmark this for the next time things get weird. 

1. Try a breathing exercise.

When you’re overwhelmed, your brain basically tells your body that you’re in danger, flipping on your fight-or-flight response, says licensed psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD. That makes your heart beat faster, your breath quicken, and your muscles tense up. But taking deep breaths activates your parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your nervous system that controls the “rest-and-digest” response. That system tells your body, It’s OK, you can rest now. You are safe, Dr. Rubenstein explains. 

To get chill, place your hands on your stomach. Inhale for three to seven seconds, feeling the air inflate your belly like a balloon. Then, exhale for five to eight seconds, feeling your stomach deflate, Dr. Rubenstein says. If that technique isn’t for you, licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD, suggests box breathing: inhaling for four, holding for four, exhaling for four, and holding for another four. 

2. Use your senses.

Focusing on the present moment (aka grounding) helps you get out of your head and away from your racing thoughts, says Dr. Rubenstein. One way to do that is to use your senses—sight, touch, taste, hearing, smell—to connect with what’s around you. That interrupts your overwhelm, she explains. 

Therapist Maureen Gaffney, LCSW, likes the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you pinpoint five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. But if you don’t want to engage all  of your senses, pick one. For example, try to find all of the red things near you, Dr. Rubenstein says. Or, focus on the sound of calming music or the feeling of the ground beneath your feet, she notes.

3. Loosen up.

Sure, this won’t magically finish your to-do list or get your boss off your back. That said, shaking off any overwhelm-induced physical tension can help you mentally calm down too, explains Dr. Hayes.

Progressive muscle relaxation is a good do-anywhere move, Dr. Hayes says. Starting from your head and working your way through the rest of your body, tense the muscles in your face, neck, shoulders, etc. for a few seconds before releasing them. You’ll notice that they feel a lot less bunched up than when you started. 

If that’s not your thing, go on a slow walk or stretch, Dr. Hayes suggests. Bonus points if you get out of the space where you first felt overwhelmed so you can better focus on the feel-good vibes, she notes.

4. Express yourself.

When you keep everything inside, your emotions can pile up and lead to overwhelm—even if your life is relatively chill right now. But when you write your feelings out, it lightens the load, says Gaffney.  

Sometimes it’s hard to hit pause and express yourself when your heart is racing, your muscles are tense, and you’re feeling underwater, notes Gaffney. If that’s the case, try some of the techniques above to calm down. 

Once you’re physically a little calmer, just free-write whatever comes to mind, Gaffney suggests. Or, if you like prompts, try: What would your life look like if you weren’t overwhelmed, and how does that compare with how your life looks now? This enables you to create a path out of overwhelm, she says. 

If you’re not into journaling, you can talk out your emotions with others or find a creative way to express them, says Gaffney.  

5. Butterfly tap it out.

Another self-soothing exercise that can help counter your fight-or-flight response by triggering the parasympathetic nervous system is a technique called the butterfly hug, explains Dr. Rubenstein.

Cross your arms and place each hand underneath your collarbone or right at your shoulders. Slowly alternate tapping one hand against your chest and then the other. Repeat this until you notice your body and mind transitioning from stressed to relaxed, Dr. Rubenstein says. 

6. Revise your to-do list.

When everything seems urgent, it’s easy to freeze up or try to just barrel through as much as you can without stopping. Both are super unhelpful, TBH. Instead, try triaging your tasks to stress less. 

To sort through the chaos and encourage time management, write down everything you want or have to do, Gaffney says. Seriously, dump it all on a page. Then, arrange your list in order of importance. What needs to get done today because of a deadline or some other big consequence? What has to happen but could wait until tomorrow or later on? Once you’re done with the must-dos, think about what doesn’t need  to happen. What is actually not a priority right now? What’s something you can delegate to someone else or say no to?

7. Take a shower.

Showering is another simple way to practice grounding. You can concentrate on the smells of your soaps and the feeling of the water instead of what’s in your head, says Dr. Hayes. Also, it forces you to disconnect from things that might be stressing you out, like work emails or social media, she says. 

If the idea of taking a break to shower causes more stress, use that time to think through whatever’s going on, says Dr. Hayes. That way, you have your mini vacation from the overwhelm, but you’re regaining a small sense of control too. 

8. Split up big tasks into smaller actions.

Breaking up things that feel extra intimidating helps you see that you don’t have to do it all at once, says Gaffney. Say you have a paper due next week. Start with an outline today. Then, spend a couple of hours over the next few days writing it. Or, instead of penning all 100 of your wedding thank you cards in one go, tackle them over the span of four weekends, doing 25 each time.

9. Find a tiny win.

Gaining some momentum may also help us overcome overwhelm. Doing one small chore, even if it’s unrelated to what’s overwhelming you, can prove that you’re totally capable of more, says Gaffney. It gets the ball rolling before you move on to that looming concern. 

For example, making your bed, folding a pile of laundry, or just doing something  gets you unstuck and moving, Gaffney explains. And when you’re in a better mindset, you can accomplish a harder task.

10. Invite someone over.

We don’t know if you’ve heard, but having a friend, roommate, or partner present while you do an overwhelming thing can help you stay motivated. This is called body doubling, says Dr. Hayes. When someone is there to witness your work and hold you accountable as you do your taxes or clean the garage, you’re more likely to get it done, she notes.

11. Pinpoint what you can and can’t control. 

Oftentimes, we’re overwhelmed by hypotheticals or things we literally can’t control, says Gaffney. Thank you, anxiety! You may not even know you’re spending energy on problems you can’t solve until you see them written down, she notes.

To check yourself, make a list of what feels overwhelming to you right now, Gaffney suggests. Perhaps you’re all up in your head about your sick dog. You’re worried about the vet bill, poop on the floor, and the illness getting worse. Then, decide which of these are in your control and which aren’t. 

That process of elimination can help you sort through the stuff that’s not worth worrying about and what is. So, you can clean up after your dog, cuddle them, and look into pet insurance if necessary, but you can’t  predict how their sickness will pan out by scrolling Dr. Google. 

12. Upgrade your internal dialogue.

You might feel better about handling an overload of emotion or to-dos when you change critical self-talk to commentary with self-compassion, says Dr. Rubenstein. She suggests validating statements like, This is hard, or, I’m here for myself, instead of, What’s wrong with me?! Anything you’d say to a friend is fair game. 

And if it feels weird to say something nice like this, you can write it down, Dr. Rubenstein says. Whatever you do, just try to shift from mean inner dialogue to a kinder one.

The post 12 Ways to Calm Down Fast appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.11.24

12 Things to Keep in Mind When Everything Is Awful

We asked therapists to share their best tips for coping through chaos. ByCasey Gueren

If lately you’ve been feeling like the human equivalent of the “this is fine” meme, you’re not alone. Even the therapists we work with at Wondermind have noticed this common theme coming up in conversations: How do you keep going when the world around you feels like a dumpster fire? Since it doesn’t seem like we’ll be returning to “precedented times” anytime soon, how can we cope with the chaos? 

In case you don’t have your own therapist to pose this question to, we asked 12 mental health professionals to weigh in with any wise words or coping skills that might help. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Prune your panic list. 

“When you’re feeling overwhelmed it can be helpful to ask if you will still care about this issue in two days, two months, or two years. This can help you realize which problems aren’t really problems at all and prioritize the rest. If it’s still something you’ll care about in two years then start there and deprioritize everything else.” —Alo Johnston, LMFT, author of Am I Trans Enough?

2. Give yourself a good shake. 

“When chaos surrounds you, take a moment to pause, find a space, and shake it out. Start by shaking your hands, arms, legs, or even your entire body—just like you’re shaking off water. After about a minute, stop and tune in to how your body feels. This simple yet powerful technique helps release pent-up nervous energy while activating your body’s natural relaxation response.” —Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, board-certified psychiatrist 

3. Acknowledge what’s out of your control. 

“Just like we couldn’t control the pandemic, we can’t control the news and world around us. And if we focus on that, we can feel helpless, angry, and even worse. Instead, find things you can control—your reactions, how you show up for your community, your work—and spend your energy and emotions there. Getting things done and feeling effective, even for the smallest things, can help you find hope—and I have seen this outlook work over and over again in my patients and me! I highly recommend you try it!” —Jessi Gold, MD MS, Chief Wellness Officer of the University of Tennessee System and bestselling author of How Do You Feel?

4. Give radical acceptance a go. 

“There are actionable steps you can take to manage the mental load that comes with uncertainty. Practicing radical acceptance is one sure way to cope with stress. It’s giving yourself permission to feel all your emotions without judgment while honoring your circumstances, especially when you can’t change them. Another practice would be to focus on healthy distractions, such as watching a TV show, reading a novel, co-regulating with friends, or engaging in movement to boost your mood. These practices can be used at any moment when you need a pick-me-up.” —Minaa B. LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles and founder of I’m So Mature

5. Make small moves.

 “When everything feels overwhelming, remember: You don’t have to solve everything at once. Focus on just the next smallest step—whether that’s taking a deep breath, getting up for a glass of water, or reaching out to someone you trust. Even small actions can help break the cycle of stress and create space for clarity. Be gentle with yourself—you’re doing the best you can right now, and that’s more than enough.” —Sasha Hamdani, MD, psychiatrist, ADHD specialist, and author of Self-Care for People with ADHD

6. Focus just on your immediate surroundings. 

“I tell my clients that when we’re feeling overwhelmed: It helps to make our world small whenever possible. Shutting down social media, turning off the news, and focusing on small, manageable tasks like doing the dishes, finishing a puzzle, or reading good fiction has a way of reminding us of the small, manageable tasks of life. The things we can actually control right now, when so many of the world’s problems feel out of our control.

Mr. Rogers once said: ‘When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me: Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ It makes sense to feel overwhelmed and stressed, but there are many people out there who are willing to help. Look to friends, family, therapists, religious leaders, public servants, or community organizers who are dedicated to helping others and finding solutions. By asking around a bit you’ll probably find you’re not alone and at least have others struggling alongside you.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, author of Mental Health Journal for Men

7. Lean on your community, your routines, and hope. 

“The first thing I would tell someone is: You’re not alone, and we will get through this together. Community is one of the most powerful forces we have to navigate stress, mental illness, and hopelessness, and it is beautiful to be vulnerable with each other and lean into supporting one another. With the amazing kids and families I work with (many of whom are racially minoritized and LGBTQ+) we have been discussing: What is your community? Or, if you feel as though you’re alone, how do you find a community that uplifts you, resonates with you, and protects you? Who are your supports as we once again navigate these uncertain times?”

A few things I’ve been doing personally are limiting my time on social media (especially checking the news), going to yoga, meditating every morning, listening to my favorite K-pop songs as I go for long hour walks to process and reflect, going to weekly therapy, and taking my antidepressant every day. Time and again, I keep reminding myself to come back to hope and the magic I’ve seen in my friends, family, and the kids I work with being themselves. And how each time each of us is a bit more our authentic selves, we change the world.” —Chase T.M. Anderson, MD, assistant professor of clinical psychiatry, Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco

8. Go back to the basics. 

“When the world feels like it’s on fire, I encourage my clients (and myself) to focus on a few things. First, stress and chaos greatly impact our nervous systems. During these times, I encourage clients to find ways to physically and mentally ground with mindfulness and sensory exercises. I also protect time for movement, sleep, and nourishing foods. Second, chaos can make us feel out of control and helpless. This is when I ask clients to focus on tangible actions you can control in your life such as taking a walk, helping a neighbor, volunteering, reading a book, or snuggling with a pet. All of these actions benefit mental health. Finally, humans are designed for connection. During times of major stress, human connection can be a balm to remind us we are not alone, and though change can be slow, engaging with community can create a huge impact on our lives and the world.” —Jenny Tzu-Mei Wang, PhD, clinical psychologist, speaker, and author of Permission to Come Home

9. Remember what you’ve already been through. 

“Think back to times in your life when you have faced adversity (loss of job, financial hardship, illness, a bad breakup, death of a family member or friend, natural disaster, etc.) and remember how you got through it. I often ask my patients to make a list. Remember how depressed and scared you were at the time, remember how difficult it was for you. Then remember how good it felt later, how you survived it. Rely on your past experiences of triumph to draw strength in this experience. Maybe that’s your superpower. You’re much more buoyant than you think.” —John Tsilimparis, MFT, psychotherapist and author of Retrain Your Anxious Brain  

10. Be more intentional about connection and gratitude. 

“Find comfort in common humanity. No, this doesn’t mean accepting that we are all doomed! Instead, normalize that your feelings of overwhelm are valid and widely felt—and in a point of connection with others. Be selective (and intentional) about who you turn to for connection. Before calling a friend, think about the kind of support you’re in need of and whether they are the right person to turn to at that moment.

Also, practice gratitude—with and being the operative word. If we’re not careful with our language, gratitude can actually invalidate our feelings. You may think, I am so stressed, but I have a good job so I can’t complain, which sends the not-so subtle message that you shouldn’t feel a certain way. Instead, swap out the ‘but’ (I am so stressed, and I have a good job) to shift your focus while also validating the very real difficult feelings that show up.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, clinical psychologist and friendship expert

11. Let yourself feel your feelings. 

“When facing existential dread, it could be helpful to first, take a deep breath, and remind yourself of your safe spaces (or however you might name them), both physically and/or emotionally. For example, this could be your community, or a room in your home that feels comfortable and serene. Next, name a few of the emotions you are feeling. Are you feeling hopeless, powerless, anxious, etc.? If you are unsure, try using a feelings wheel or free writing to explore. This could ease some of the mental tension you might be experiencing by helping to expand your window of tolerance, and invite some clarity into what you might possibly want to do about the overwhelm.” —Nina Polyné, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist

12. Finally, give yourself some grace—and some joy. 

“It’s OK to pause and just be. Overwhelm doesn’t mean you’re failing; it’s a signal that you might need to give yourself grace and rest. One thing I encourage my clients to do is focus on what anchors you. Maybe that’s connecting with a loved one, journaling, movement/exercise, sitting in silence with reflection, or even stepping outside to connect with nature. You don’t have to solve everything right now—taking small, intentional steps can help bring you back to being grounded.

I also love to share this thought: ‘It’s OK to hold space for your emotions and still seek moments of joy, however small they may seem.’ In times of chaos, those little joys and mindful moments are not trivial—they are acts of resilience. Greatness starts with the mind.” —Thomas A. Vance, PhD, psychologist and founder of ClearMinds

The post 12 Things to Keep in Mind When Everything Is Awful appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.08.24

How to Be There for Someone Without Emotionally Draining Yourself

Sometimes small support is the best support. BySam Brodsky

Whether you’re running errands for a sleepless friend who needs postpartum help, sending job listings to your brother who’s struggling at work, or letting your heartbroken coworker vent, being there for others can feel like a no-brainer. When we care about someone, even a little, we want to make their lives better when they’re down.

It’s hard and sometimes uncomfortable to watch your people in distress, and, as humans, it’s instinctual to try to be of service, says therapist Nicole O’Brien, PhD, LMFT. But, even with an endless supply of good intentions, being part of anyone’s emotional support system can be draining. 

For starters, it’s easy to get totally wrapped up in what someone else is going through, says therapist Hope Kelaher, LCSW. It’s sort of like you’re sitting in dirty bathwater with your friend instead of holding their hand from outside  the tub, Kelaher explains. (Gross visual, but you get it.) Generally speaking, setting boundaries can be tough when you’re in it with them. 

Plus, if you’re already going through some heavy stuff, being there for someone else can feel extra taxing, explains therapist Rowen Beaudoin-Colegrove, LMFT. “If you’re physically ill, it becomes harder for you to care for others who are ill. That can also be true for mental health challenges,” Beaudoin-Colegrove says.

Same goes when their circumstances feel triggering to you. That can bring up an intense emotional response, like physical sensations, uncomfortable feelings, or unwanted memories, which require a lot of your energy to manage, explains Dr. O’Brien. 

All of this is to say that it’s normal to feel drained while being there for your person. It’s unrealistic to think otherwise, says Dr. O’Brien. But, if you let that drainage go unchecked, it can lead to burnout and mess with your relationships too, she adds. And that’s why we’re here today, folks.

Below, mental health pros explain how to take care of yourself while taking care of others. With these practices in place, you can be an even better support person who gives genuine attention and care to those who need it. Here we go!

1. Take a beat before you offer support. 

It makes sense if you wanna be there for friends or family right away when you see them in pain. You care! They need you! But when we don’t ask ourselves if we truly  have the capacity before jumping into action, it can lead to burnout, says Dr. O’Brien.

To avoid all of that, Kelaher suggests using these prompts to check in:

• How are my body and mind feeling? 
• Can I give this person what they need right now? 
• Do I have my own support if I jump right in and whatever they’re going through stirs up hard feelings or memories for me? 

If your answers give you the green light or tell you to proceed with caution, go for it. However, if you’re getting a no, be honest. 

Say your friend texts that they need to vent about their hellish workday and wants to call you on their commute home. If your brain is currently at max capacity or you’ve just come up for air after a week of chaos, you could text back, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry to hear your boss was a monster again! Mind if I call you this weekend? I want to hear all the details, but I’m currently dead inside. LMK! Can’t wait to catch up!” Whatever you say, the goal is to be direct about your limits while staying compassionate, says Kelaher. 

2. Ask what they need. 

Sometimes our people aren’t always clear about what kind of support they’re looking for. That can make it hard to judge whether you can give an assist. If that’s the case, just ask what they need, says Beaudoin-Colegrove. From there, you can check in with yourself to see whether that’s realistic for you right now or nah. If it’s a no, offer up other options that are more doable for you, he says. 

Let’s say you asked your newly single friend what you can do to help them get excited about this next phase of life. If they respond with a terrifying, “Be my wingman at this speed dating event,” you can say, “Woo! So proud of you for getting after it! I cannot wait to hear how it goes! Unfortunately, I can’t make it out, but I’ll be sending good vibes!” Then offer to swing by their place while they get ready to hype them up or come up with not-dumb first-date questions. Whatever makes sense for you is fair game. There are so many ways you can show them you care, says Dr. O’Brien.

3. Keep checking in with yourself. 

Like taking a pause to notice how you feel before offering help, tuning in to how you’re doing during or after supporting someone can also prevent emotional drainage.

That’s especially true since we often don’t know how mentally exhausted we’ll be until we’re in it. I mean, it’s hard to tell whether coffee with a work bud will somehow evolve into a rage-chat about their situationship. So staying present with our physical and mental feels can inform whether we need to set some limits right now or later on.

Kelaher suggests you ask yourself: Do I feel uncomfortable? Is my body tense? Do I feel overwhelmed or anxious when talking to this person? Am I finding it difficult to stay fully present with them?  Beaudoin-Colegrove says fatigue, irritability, and resentment toward the other person are also signs you’re drained.

How you use that info depends on the situation. Maybe you’re on the phone with someone who’s been venting about their ex for the past 45 minutes, and you notice that you’re starting to zone out. You can say something like, “You’re so right. That’s such a sucky situation. I’d love to keep chatting, but I’ve gotta run in a few. Maybe we can talk more later?” Or, if time isn’t the problem, you can acknowledge their annoying ex, validate their feelings, and subtly change the subject. 

Of course, it’s not always that simple. If you said you’d watch a friend’s kids while she visits her dad in the hospital, don’t bail when you realize that the playtime and mealtime (and mealtime that is  playtime) are stressing you out. When you make a commitment, see it through, says Kelaher. But the next time someone wants you to watch their kids in a pinch, ask yourself if you’re willing to make the same commitment knowing you’ll be tired and stressed, Kelaher explains. 

4. Set boundaries when you need to.

Boundaries are basically limits you set for yourself and others that dictate how you want to be treated. And, even when you’re trying to be a reliable person, you need some guardrails to protect your physical and mental health.

Maybe you’re fine going to a friend’s place on a random Saturday night because they feel lonely—even if you were craving some solo dolo time. That’s really nice of you! But if it happens over and over again, you’ll risk burning yourself out without a boundary, says Dr. O’Brien. When it starts to take a toll (or before it gets that bad), tell them that you can’t make it but you’d love to get coffee in the morning or hang out some other time. From there, commit to only squashing their Saturday scaries when you have the bandwidth. It’s subtle, but it’s a boundary. 

5. Take care of yourself when you’re triggered.

Being there for someone can be triggering for a lot of reasons. Maybe you’ve been through something similar or it just reminds you of an experience you’d rather forget. No matter the root issue, being triggered can bring up uncomfortable feelings, memories, and sensations in your body in an overwhelming way, says Dr. O’Brien. Obviously, that experience paired with helping someone else is very tiring (to say the least). 

That’s why separating your feelings from the other person’s is key to giving an assist without worrying about two things at once. Yes, you could gently decline to step up, but if that doesn’t feel like an option or you’re already in too deep, take a moment to remind yourself that this situation is not yours, says Dr. O’Brien. Then, make a mental note to address whatever’s coming up for you later on, she suggests. 

You’re not ignoring your own issues. Instead, you’re acknowledging them and shifting back to the present situation to preserve your energy, says Dr. O’Brien. 

6. Fuel up on self-care. 

This might sound obvious, but if you do things that replenish your mental and physical energy, it’ll be easier for you to take care of other people. How can you run on empty?! “Self-care helps us build our energetic reserve and increase our capacity for [supporting others],” explains Kelaher. 

When you’re tired from a busy week but know you’ll be on duty to comfort a grieving friend, stock up on the energy you’re missing beforehand. Do you need more sleep? Do you need some puppy cuddles? Do you need to go on a walk or watch a mind-numbing documentary on the secret life of squirrels? (IDK.) “It’s about being aware of what you need to do to show up for the other person,” Kelaher says. 

The post How to Be There for Someone Without Emotionally Draining Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.21.23

13 Therapist Tips to Become a Time Management Pro

Your friends will finally stop giving you a fake time to be ready. BySam Brodsky

If you’re someone who always seems to be at least five minutes late, tends to leave things till the last minute, is never not busy, or just generally sucks at estimating how much time it’ll take you to get things done, then you, my friend, might struggle with time management. And that’s not a personal failing or a permanent fixture of your personality! It’s just part of being a person in a society where a lot is expected of you and there are only so many hours in a day. 

Most of us think of time management as being productive at work, but it’s actually about making time for things in your life that you have to do and  want to do, including work and non-work stuff, according to professor and licensed therapist Risa Williams, LMFT, author of The Ultimate Time Management Toolkit. So working on your time management skills isn’t meant to turn you into a “productivity robot,” she says. It’s about helping you feel like your time is your own and using that freedom to add more moments of joy into your life. 

It’s worth noting that some mental health conditions can make time management especially hard, says Williams. For instance, people with ADHD often struggle with executive functioning (think organization, planning, following through with tasks, etc.) and time blindness—both of which can make it hard to manage your time. And feeling depressed can also put you on the time management struggle bus because you don’t have energy or motivation to start tasks, says Williams. But, really, anyone can struggle with this, and  anyone can get better at owning their time. 

So, here are some therapist-approved tips for prioritizing your to-do lists and making room for what you have to and want to do without burning yourself out. 

1. Write your to-do list on a Post-It.

Have you ever panicked because your Monday-morning list of things to get done is the length of a CVS receipt? To avoid having so much on your plate that you don’t know where to start, stick to writing the essentials on a Post-It, says Williams. Whether you’re writing out a to-do list for your day or your week, there’s only so much room to write, she explains, forcing you to self-edit a bit. Plus, having less to cross off helps you feel like you actually accomplished things, which makes you feel way better than staring at all that you couldn’t get to, she says. Introduce this step into your daily routine, and see how it goes! 

2. Put those non-urgent tasks that are haunting you on a separate list.

So what about stuff you can’t stop thinking about that doesn’t have a set due date? Like starting a blog or finally going all Marie Kondo on your closets or building the floating shelf that’s been sitting in a box for weeks? You want to get them done but other things always come up, so they tend to just get added to the next to-do list over and over again until you die (kidding…kind of). 

Punt these bad boys over to a different list (this one can be longer than a Post-It), which Williams calls an “odds and ends list” in her book. She suggests trying to cross off at least one of these items every week, but you might even knock off a few things on a particularly slow week. Another rule from her book is to keep this list as manageable as possible: Only add to your odds and ends list once you’ve crossed something off.

3. Use time containers. 

To help you get a better handle on your day or week, group things together into what Williams calls “time containers” in the book. “It’s really hard to fully focus on things when you’re jumping around and everything feels equally important,” she explains. “When we understand how long we need to focus on something and the type of thing we need to focus on, we can use our energy more effectively.”

Block off your time containers on your phone’s calendar or use a physical one—whatever works, Williams says. Maybe you have a time container between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. dedicated to things like self-care or your passion project, then another time container where you focus on specific work tasks. You might have a designated time container for social stuff so you don’t let other commitments get in the way of seeing your people. You could even dedicate a whole day to one big task and change it up other days that week, Williams suggests. Do whatever works for you. 

4. Schedule around your energy highs and lows.

Sometimes you can’t get work done because your energy is fading…fast. So, it may be helpful for you to schedule your day around when you know you’ll have the brain power or body power to do tasks that will take the most out of you, says licensed psychotherapist Robin M. Johnson, PhD, LICSW. 

Everyone’s different, so pay attention to when you usually breeze through certain things or when you spend 15 minutes reading the same damn sentence. For instance, if morning workouts tend to feel best for you, stop trying to make that post-work boxing class happen. And if your brain doesn’t fully turn on until after noon, maybe plan to work on that big presentation after lunch. 

5. Also spread out your hard tasks. 

Obviously, depending on what you have going on, you might not have full control over when you need to do the hard stuff—and maybe everything seems hard—but when you can, spreading those things out and alternating between high-stress, medium-stress, and low-stress tasks can help you avoid burnout. 

When you’re planning your day, list things you have to do and rate how demanding they are: low, medium, or high. This is what Williams’ book calls the “task intensity meter.” Then, reorganize them based on what you have the energy for, she suggests. Maybe dropping off your kids at school is high-stress, so you follow that up with a more chill task like ordering your partner a birthday gift. Then, you check work emails which isn’t the most fun thing in the world but isn’t nearly as draining as the presentation you know you have to build after that. Be strategic!   

6. Look at the fun tasks in your to-do list as a little treat.

To give yourself the motivation to do something you’re dreading, plan a fun or much easier task for after that thing, suggests Williams. You could reward yourself for making that doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off by booking excursions for your next vacation or doing your daily yoga. Saving that stuff for last is what Williams cleverly calls “task desserts” in her book. Cute as hell, right? 

7. Only multitask when it makes sense. 

Sometimes it’s helpful to get things done at the same time so you can cross more than one to-do off your list. Other times it looks like half-assing two things. Instead, be strategic about what exactly you’re lumping together, says Dr. Johnson. It’s probably not a good idea to schedule an important call with your boss while you’re getting groceries. But maybe you can call back your best friend to hear how her date went while you’re picking out avocados! Sure, both calls can technically take the same amount of time and effort, but one probably  requires a bit more brain power than the other.

8. Overestimate the time it’ll take you to do things.

You might be squeezing in a bunch of things back to back to back (…to back) to get them done, and when you do that and don’t  get that stuff done, it can make you feel like you suck at being productive. Giving yourself more  time may freak you out at first because you feel like you aren’t moving fast enough. However! Overestimating the time you need—even doubling it—can actually make you more confident in your time management skills, because you’ve just crushed your own deadline, Williams says. 

Sure, sometimes deadlines are set by other people. If you feel comfortable doing so, try negotiating for a bit more time when it doesn’t seem realistic, says Williams.  

9. But also give yourself legit time limits and stick to them.

Giving yourself more time to get things done is great, but if there’s no structure at all you might just end up unmotivated or easily distracted. A structured stop time also creates parameters so it doesn’t feel like you’ll be working forever, Williams says. You can try to work in 25-minute bursts before taking a short break—the Pomodoro technique—or you can work for the length of a 45-minute playlist filled with upbeat instrumental music (or whatever you’re into that isn’t distracting), she suggests. 

10. Mentally prepare to do tasks you just can’t start. 

We’ve all been there. You sit down to finally do a thing and your focus has left the building. Completely checked out. But one way to trick your brain into refocusing its attention is to try a 30-minute-or-less “brain warmup,” as Williams calls it in her book. 

Think of it like a kickstart for your mind to be like, OK, it’s time to get going!  What you’ll want to do is match the vibe of whatever task you’re trying to ease into with a similar warmup, says Williams. You could doodle or do something else creative before you paint your living room walls or you could read a chapter of a novel you like before you write an essay. Choose something that’s somewhat related to what you’re doing and even feels fun to get you in the focusing mood, she suggests.

11. Hide your phone.

Who among us hasn’t accidentally doomscrolled an hour away when they fully planned to cook dinner, go to the gym, or be asleep by a reasonable hour? If this sounds like you, try putting your phone in another room for however long you can, suggests Williams. (It’s what she calls “phone timeouts” in her book.)

If that’s too hard for you, you can also try turning on Do Not Disturb or Airplane mode (and turning off the Wi-Fi) so that when you instinctively grab your phone you don’t get sucked in. One of Williams’ clients even had success with placing his phone on a red textbook. There’s something about that color that makes your brain go, STOP! Do NOT touch!

12. Celebrate getting stuff done.

Giving yourself words of encouragement whenever you do things throughout the day might just be the motivation you need to keep going. Williams says that if you never give yourself that pat on the back for being on time to brunch or doing something you need (or want!) to do, your brain is going to be like, Well what are we doing this for anyway?  Your self-talk doesn’t have to be overly positive. It could be as simple as telling yourself, Yay! You’re done!  so you actually feel done by the end of the day, Williams says.

13. Ask for help when you need it. 

Part of time management is learning when to delegate things to other people—because you only have so many hours in the day. Plus, sometimes the expectations people place on us (or that we place on ourselves) are downright unrealistic. Maybe your colleague should actually take on a project because you’re fully booked this month and your manager isn’t seeing that. Maybe you can cut down on some chores. 

One thing Dr. Johnson has been doing lately is getting help with stuff she needs to do at home. “I haven’t stepped inside a grocery store in a long time,” she says. “I order my groceries and household supplies online using delivery and curbside pickup services. It saves me a ton of time that I’m able to put back into other tasks and responsibilities.” 

The way you ask for help may look different than the way your friend asks, but do what works for you so you don’t have to do it all. Outsourcing tasks isn’t a sign of weakness, Dr. Johnson says. It can make life—and managing your time—easier. 

The post 13 Therapist Tips to Become a Time Management Pro appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 11.16.23

13 Tried-and-True Ways to Deal With Depression During the Holidays

You don’t have to be jolly, but you CAN manage your sad feels. BySam Brodsky

Turns out, depression does not GAF about the most wonderful time of the year. If you’ve ever been hit with a depressive episode (or just felt super depressed) amid the season of lights and cocoa and cute Hallmark movies, you know how much it sucks to be reminded that you contain zero cheer. 

Of course, you’re not alone. There are so many other people struggling to get through the day, let alone a holiday party. Actually, therapist Omar Ali, LCSW, says he’s seen some of his clients at their lowest points during the holidays. Sometimes the season itself can stir up a lot of pain and loneliness, he explains. 

While it can be really strange to feel bummed out or nothing at all while the rest of the country gets hyped for holiday things, judging yourself or putting pressure on your depressed brain to snap out of it is not  worth it, Ali says. 

You can totally just sit this one out, but it can also be helpful to connect with other humans who love and accept you (basically doing the opposite of what your holiday depression wants you to do), Ali says. Otherwise, scheduling time for self-care, journaling, or talking to someone you trust are all good ideas, he says. 

Finding what works for you is most important though, so we asked people who’ve been there for the tips they’ve used to deal with their own brand of holiday depression. Take what resonates for your festivities this year.  

1. Choose your own holiday traditions.

“The past couple of holiday seasons have been hard on me. During the winter of 2021, I was going through an excruciatingly painful breakup, and I think I sat with my grief for the first time in my entire life. Then, in early 2022, I felt more grief when I lost a friend who was really important to me. So, last year I really thought about how I wanted to spend the holidays. 

Instead of spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with my bonus parents, who I’ve celebrated with for over a decade, I said yes to new traditions. On Thanksgiving, I decided to serve dinner at an organization that empowers unhoused people and then go to a friend’s house for dinner where they accommodate my dietary needs (I can’t eat most of the food at my bonus parents’ place due to my food allergies). For Christmas, I traveled to see my extended family whom I’m very close to.

I remember coming back from the holidays and feeling like I got to spend my time off the way that I wanted, which helped me feel less depressed.” —Sonia K., 28

2. Let yourself cry.

“For many years, I had seasonal depression and also felt depressed because of past holidays. If I need to cry, I’ll time myself for five minutes to get it out of my system and make plans afterward to get on with my day. I tend to feel things deeply, so by having boundaries with my emotions, I’m able to jump back into the present day without running the risk of spiraling into depression. 

One of the things I’ve learned in therapy is that grief does not have an expiration date. There are things that I’ve worked through that still make me sad around the holidays. I think honoring that sadness is important.” —Betty S., 42

3. Find happy distractions.

“As I get older and my family and social circle get smaller, I’ve been feeling especially sad during the holidays. I’ve found doing things I enjoy that also require some focus, like cooking more elaborate recipes, really helps. Since I have more time off, trying a new recipe keeps me focused on the present moment instead of my problems. The same thing happens to me when I go hiking and take a new route that forces me to concentrate on what I am doing.” —María J., 48

4. Buy yourself presents. 

“My mom’s birthday is in November, and, after losing her, the holiday season has been hard. After cutting off contact with my family, I had to spend the holidays alone. When I told my therapist that the idea of not buying gifts for anyone or not receiving any presents made me feel like no one cared, she suggested I shop for myself. I didn’t go all out and wrap them, but I did leave them in their bags and boxes until I opened them on Christmas Day. 

It took me back to the Christmases of the past where I’d open presents and watch holiday films. It didn’t completely wash away the sadness, but it helped. I felt empowered knowing that I can bring myself happiness. I didn’t have to rely on other people.” —Leila H., 28

5. Make overwhelming tasks more manageable.

“Though my depression is mostly under control thanks to medication, I’ve struggled with it for many years on and off. A lot of the time, my depression got worse as the holidays got closer. For me, it was completely paralyzing. 

When I’m depressed any other time of the year, I can put off doing things that seem overwhelming until I feel better, but the holidays come with their own deadlines. I remember literally panicking because I couldn’t motivate myself to buy gifts, figure out what we would eat, or get the house ready for family coming to stay. I couldn’t make decisions and would second-guess myself all the time. The worst part was that I couldn’t look forward to what’s supposed to be a happy time for my family.

But making a conscious effort to keep things as simple as possible really helped. I simplified the menu and prepared some of the food ahead of time, and I did all of my gift shopping online.” —Amanda G., 56 

6. Let yourself feel multiple feelings.

“Being performative is never in my best interest, so if I feel like going to a festive event is going to test my bandwidth, I let myself do something unrelated. I’ll journal, walk my dog, cook a meal, revisit photos with my dad, or hang out with friends. And when I do partake in holiday stuff, like going to see neighborhood lights, I’ll remind myself that it’s OK to enjoy those and still be depressed at the same time. I don’t have to fix how I’m feeling.” —Candice S., 31

7. Take it one step at a time.

“Usually the best way for me to manage depression during the holiday season (hello, seasonal depression) is to take care of my basic needs first. I can’t worry about going above and beyond at work or in my relationships unless I’m taken care of. So that means showering regularly, keeping my space as clean as I can, making checklists, and completing small tasks to feel less overwhelmed. Although these things don’t solve my depression, they help me create an environment that doesn’t push me further into a depressive state.

For example, one year I had a Christmas party to go to, but I was feeling really depressed. I did not want to be around people or feel out of place. But, knowing that human connection can be helpful, I decided to take care of myself as best I could and still go to the party. I showered, got dressed, treated myself to my favorite meal, and made a point to not pressure myself to stay the entire time. I had lots of fun and was glad that the event gave me a reason to get out of bed.” —Sarah R., 24 

8. Be comfy.

“I was very depressed one year over the holidays. I wasn’t sure how to be around all the cheer without being cheerful myself. I didn’t have it in me to put on a glam look and an energetic smile. So, for Christmas with my family, rather than wearing a dress and doing my hair and makeup, I decided to wear the most comfy clothes possible: red pjs, a big Christmas sweater, and fluffy socks. I wasn’t faking it; I looked like what I actually was: tired and sleepy but also happy to be there. Turns out, nobody cared what I wore as long as I was there, and I was able to curl up on the couch without a fancy outfit getting in the way. Sometimes self-care is going to the party in your pajamas.” —Juliette C., 32

9. Let it out. 

“I have depression all year long, but it intensifies during the holidays. I’ve learned that expressing my emotions in whatever way makes the most sense can help. I sing, dance, write poetry, journal, or just use my creative side to get through it.” —Kaksha M., 28 

10. Stay off social media.

“A lot of my depression around the holidays stems from the fact that my immediate family always fights. It once got so bad that we simply didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Over the years, we started celebrating again, but I still get sad if I compare myself to people on social media celebrating with their big families. Staying off my socials and remembering I don’t really know what goes on behind the scenes helps.” —Anonymous, 32

11. Embrace long-distance connections. 

“In 2020, I went through a depressive episode, and not being able to travel home in December made things even more challenging. But calling my family and hearing their voices helped me [when I couldn’t be with them]. It was like having my parents, grandparents, and brother by my side despite the distance.” —Diana R., 24 

12. Keep up with therapy. 

“My depression is something that’s recurred multiple holiday seasons, and it’s both related and unrelated to the holiday season itself. Back in 2003, when I was 11 years old, my mom passed away a few days before Christmas, and I think my depression can be heavily rooted in grief. I’ve also been diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Therapy sessions help me to avoid isolating myself and get me out of my head. It helps to have my therapist’s support because then I’m not carrying everything by myself like I used to. There are definitely times when I don’t want to keep my appointments, but I do since I know that these sessions help me stay afloat.” —Candice S., 31

13. Let good enough be great.

“I focused on the fact that the most important thing about the holidays was being with my family and that it didn’t really matter what we ate, whether the gifts were perfect, and how the house looked. I could actually make the holidays happier for everyone by being relaxed and engaged, and the only way for me to do that was to manage the anxiety that made my depression worse. I let go of the idea that everything had to be perfect, and it was OK if it was good enough.” —Amanda G., 56

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 13 Tried-and-True Ways to Deal With Depression During the Holidays appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.15.23

7 Ways to Make Traveling Less of a Nightmare 

Or? maybe? even? fun? ByAshley Oerman

Who doesn’t love piling into a car/plane/train/bus with tons of chatty humans, settling in for a day of traffic, delays, and motion sickness, and capping it all off with things like jet lag and lost baggage? The best! There’s also the mental preparation for the chaos of holiday travel (or basically any travel) that sparks things other than joy. The anxiety about what to pack or being late or the possibility of TSA publicly humiliating you while they scream, “Laptops out!” is enough to make anyone crave therapy or a sedative or both.

Even if everything somehow goes right, the nature of travel itself can be exhausting, says clinical psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. “When we travel, going long distances into new time zones or just new environments is stressful, and that can take a toll on you,” Dr. Wang explains. “When it’s physically uncomfortable, that adds to your stress,” she says. 

So how can we make whatever way we’re getting from point A to B a much less overwhelming experience? Here, we explain how you can feel like your calmest, comfiest (maybe even happiest?) traveling self. 

1. Go early.

If you haven’t booked your trip yet, consider building extra hours or even days into your travel schedule to ease into the trip, suggests Dr. Wang. A lot of the time, we work up until the very last second (PTO rationing is real), which means your work drama butts right up against travel drama. That doesn’t leave much room for you to catch your breath—a thing anyone who’s tried to make an after-work flight understands completely. 

Instead of doing that, maybe take the day before your trip off so you can dedicate eight full hours to packing or getting hyped about wherever you’re going. You could also start your trip a day early so you have time to put your toothbrush in its designated place, unpack, or pass out in your hotel room that first night (or all of the above). Those settling-in activities work as little grounding moments that can help combat stress, overwhelm, and anxiety to come. That’s PTO well-spent.

2. Set some expectations.

There’s a reason The Amazing Race is still on TV: Traveling with other people is dramatic. Whether you’ve been hitting the road with someone for years or are about to commute long-distance with a new friend, there’s a solid chance you have different styles of getting places and dealing with (literal) roadblocks. 

This is where communication basically solves everything. Before your trip (the earlier the better), connect with whoever dared to join you about how you like to do this whole thing, suggests psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT. 

Be clear and detailed as you chat through things like: 

• When you want to leave home
• How much money you want to spend (while traveling and on the trip itself)
• How much of the trip you want to be relaxing vs active
• How much you like to talk while traveling 
• If you plan to sleep en route
• If you want to stop at a specific spot in the airport or on the highway
• How you’d handle a delay or any other unexpected issue 

By sharing where your head is at and asking your travel companion where theirs is, you’ll know what you’re in for, avoid any potential awkwardness, and mentally prepare to do you (and they can do the same). 

3. Tackle your sleep stress.

If you struggle to rest up the night before your travel day, first consider why that is. If it’s just always been this way before a big event, mixing up your schedule leading up to that pre-travel slumber can help, says Tsilimparis. That’s because changing your routine can sometimes alter your thinking patterns, he says. Instead of spending the night before the trip checking and rechecking your packing list, maybe go out for dinner or put on a movie you’ve been wanting to watch. By confusing yourself, you might trick your brain into relaxing. 

If that stresses you out even more (I get it), perhaps the reason you can’t sleep is because you’re worried you’ll miss your alarm and ruin the whole trip before it starts. Ask yourself if you’ve ever missed an alarm before a trip and messed up everything. Chances are, you haven’t and it’s probably pretty unlikely that you would suddenly do that now, explains Tsilimparis. When that’s not enough, setting multiple alarms and taking a little something to help you sleep might be the move. 

4. Assume the worst.

One of the most annoying things about traveling is that so much is out of your control. So if you accept that it’s not going to be great from the start, you might have a better time, says Dr. Wang. “As someone who travels with kids, this has really expanded my tolerance for anything bad that might happen,” she explains. That’s because, when you expect that this could really suck, you’re letting yourself get comfortable with the uncomfortable, she adds. Then, instead of dwelling on the fact that the traffic is trash or your seatmate is a chatterbox, you can focus on trying to make the best of whatever you’re dealing with. 

5. Reframe this as something you GET to do, rather than something you HAVE to do. 

As you gear up to enter the shitshow that is post-2020 travel, remind yourself that you have the time off and funds to go on this trip, even if the process of getting there isn’t the most peaceful. In other words, you get to do this. Holding those two ideas at once makes the bad stuff seem like not such a big deal while also enabling you to find the good in this experience, explains Dr. Wang. 

Not to be all, “throw some money at this situation,” but romanticizing your travel experience can help too. Dress like you’re taking the PJ to the south of France, buy that overpriced coffee, use that flight delay to justify $25 airport nachos. Whatever you need to make this mixed bag feel like a privilege is fair game. 

6. Get weird.

If you have travel anxiety, the pressure to act normal despite feeling incredibly uncomfortable can be intense, says therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT. But, most of the time, no one is paying attention to us. And even if they were, there’s nothing wrong with doing whatever you need to feel comfortable when you’re in the thick of a travel day. “If you sit down on the floor, put on an eye mask, and do deep breathing exercises in the airport, most likely no one will even notice or care at all,” explains Johnston. Maybe that little routine is exactly what you need to make the rest of your trip or the next 20 minutes bearable, and that’s worth it. 

7. Just go ahead and assume you’ll have a panic attack.

“A lot of times people start to feel panicked and they think, Having a panic attack while traveling is the worst thing that could happen right now. Don’t have a panic attack, don’t have a panic attack, don’t have a panic attack. Which usually causes more anxiety and can actually lead to a panic attack,” explains Johnston. The solution: Be open to the idea that, yep, you could definitely have a panic attack during this travel adventure. 

Then, make a plan for how you’d manage it if it happened, says Johnston. That could look like having your anxiety meds handy (read: not in a checked bag), using an app to do a guided meditation or breathing exercise, turning on a specific playlist, closing your eyes, taking off a layer of clothing, having some cold water handy, anything that helps you feel more grounded, says Johnston. And if it does happen, “Saying to yourself, ‘I think I’m having a panic attack’ and reminding yourself that it’s temporary and survivable can reduce the power it holds over you,” he adds. You got this, baby! 

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