Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 12.09.24

I’ll Be Sober for Christmas

This is how I do the holidays without drinking and have a better time than ever. ByWill Ganss

Let me start by saying that I really love the holiday season. We’re talking Mariah-Carey levels of yuletide devotion here. Not that you’re asking, but here are some quick Christmas credentials for you: 

• I have flown across the country to visit the world’s largest ugly Christmas sweater (big enough for the Statue of Liberty to wear). Yes, I climbed inside of it.
• I’ve worn a Buddy the Elf costume atop the Empire State Building.
• I live in a typically tiny New York City apartment, but I’m rocking around two full-sized Christmas trees in my living room this time of the year. 
• I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana for the sole purpose of telling you that I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana. 

So I hope you’ll believe me when I say that I thought I had achieved peak Christmas spirit. Like the Claus-o-meter on Santa’s sleigh (See: the last five minutes of Elf), there was simply no way for my world to get more twinkly, more jingly, or more jolly. 

But, ho-ho-hold up. Turns out, I was wrong. A few years ago, I unwrapped the gift of sobriety, put alcohol on the naughty list, and suddenly the entire holiday season hit a new level of tinsel-tinged love-fest, one I assumed only happened to George Bailey on the silver screen. 

But ditching the drink this time of year is no reindeer game. It’s tough work. While most of us can do Dry January, especially after the celebrations have worn us out, the holidays are a fizzy-fueled, boozy, bubbly affair. 

Exhibit A: During my first Thanksgiving home as a sober person, my dad cracked open a gorgeous bottle of wine and hosted a mini-tasting at the dinner table. My newly sober fingers gripped a can of LaCroix with the intensity of the Grinch lugging all of the Christmas crap up Mount Crumpit. And yet, I made it through that dinner… and several holiday seasons since.

In my opinion, sobriety during the holidays is a lot like the end of Home Alone. After planes, pains, and automobile rides with the Polka King of the Midwest, there’s nothing like returning home to yourself, to your family, and to the season that makes life a little more sparkly. Sure, there’s always a Wet Bandit or two ready to throw you off, but with enough preparation, you’ll defend your sobriety the way Kevin has the McAllister house on lockdown (no swinging paint cans required).

Here are the biggest lessons I’ve learned about spending the holidays sober. Please enjoy this list, I’ve checked it twice.

1. Being sober helps me focus on the good stuff.

I understand why drinking this time of the year escalates. We’re feeling festive, we’re feeling flirty, we’re blunting the painfully awkward small talk with extended family, the list could go on forever. 

But in sobriety, I’ve learned I can experience all the best parts of the season more fully: the closeness to family and friends, the ability to express my love for them, the peace of cold winter nights I crave all year long, the levity of an ugly sweater party without crushing hangxiety. The nostalgia of all this, which meant so much to me as a kid, feels like a gift in itself. 

Don’t get me wrong. Deleting the alcohol also means raw dogging all the tough parts too. There’s no trap door to exit an awkward conversation with your uncle. There’s no numbing the feeling of grief that pops up when you take stock of the loved ones who are no longer with us around the holidays. But when there’s nothing between you and the magic of the season, you’re bound to feel so much more of the good stuff too.

2. Nonalcoholic liquid courage gets the job done.

OK, this might be obvious, but if I’m going to a work holiday party, a college friend’s ugly sweater get-together, or whatever, keeping a beverage in my hand at all times throughout the event serves many purposes.

Sure, an emotional support bevvie whilst sober keeps people from asking if I need a drink. But it has other secret powers, especially at a holiday shindig. You can take a sip when there’s a lull in the conversation or use it as an excuse to leave a boring one (“I’m gonna go get a refill!”). You can use it for toasts and holiday hear-hearing. You’ll feel included, ready to participate in festivities, and less physically awkward (“I don’t know what to do with my hands!”). What can’t she do?

3. There’s always a vibe shift.

There’s that moment in every holiday party when the vibe shifts. It’s usually subtle. Someone starts repeating a story they told you an hour ago. Someone’s hand lingers a little too long after a hug. Someone else starts crying. That’s when I make like Kevin McAllister and go Home Alone. 

The holidays are already an exhausting season, and our shiny, sober selves don’t need the added strain of witnessing Deb from accounting barf up eggnog at the holiday party. When I get the sense that things are taking a turn, here are my excuses to jet:

• I’m taking photos for my holiday card tomorrow, and I want to look fresh.
• I’m volunteering in the morning, so I gotta appear charitable and fresh-faced bright and early.
• Family is coming into town—and I don’t want to host them hungover.
• I’m a grown man, and I don’t need to explain myself to you, Ted. 

4. No party is more important than my mental and physical health.

As someone who spent a majority of my late 20s and early 30s single, I have felt especially uncomfortable in rooms where everyone else is coupled up. Those feelings of insecurity can easily turn into whispers of, Grab a drink. It’ll help relax you. Those were the parties I skipped—even the holiday ones.

Doing holiday events in an election year is also triggering. For example, I have extended family members who are on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me. While some of them can delicately acknowledge that, others cannot. Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned that it’s not worth risking my sobriety for a gift exchange with relatives who want to convince me that my views about my own humanity are incorrect. Instead, I send my regrets and a lovely basket of peppermint bark. 

My takeaway here is that not everyone deserves access to me—especially if they’re going to jeopardize this commitment I’ve made to my health this holiday season. To quote the Grinch, “6:30. Dinner with me. I can’t cancel that again!”

5. Non-drinking activities create nostalgic memories.

Traditionally, the holidays are a time to sit around, yap, and drink. So I have found that planning activities that don’t revolve around drinking is a great way to start new traditions that make me feel nostalgic for years to come. 

Last year, my parents, brother, and I did an escape room together over the winter break, and we still talk about the fun we had. There’s another tradition we’ve incorporated called The Peppermint Pig. We buy a pig literally made of peppermint about the size of a TV remote, and take turns sharing a favorite memory of the year gone by. After that, we take a tiny hammer and crack the pig. Once we’re all caught up on the moments that meant the most to us over the last year, we’ve got bite-sized pieces of peppermint to share. We’ve also become partial to games like Loaded Questions, Code Names, or card games like Five Crowns and Pass The Trash. 

Since getting sober, I was surprised at how rewarding it is to spend time with my family outside of just drinking and yapping. Because this time of year is steeped in tradition, it’s lovely to look back at photos and remind myself of all the fun we had and all the special memories we created that have nothing to do with booze. For me, it’s comparable to reflecting on my childhood Christmases, but even more gratifying because I had a hand in making these memories happen. 

6. Releasing the relationships that aren’t working is a gift to myself.

I assumed that, when I stopped drinking, each of my friendships, relationships, and acquaintanceships would magically improve without the blurred lines that come with a couple vodka cranberries. And my good friendships did level up. I was able to show up as a better friend, son, brother, boyfriend, whatever. But those wobbly relationships, especially the ones centered on drinking together, sort of faded. 

This time of year, embracing that fact can feel like a big relief. It clears space on my social calendar and makes room for people who are aligned with my values now. You don’t realize how stressful a forced friendship is until you let it go. 

7. I’m so proud of everyone else on this journey too.

As we settle into my very favorite season of the year, here’s to you, my sweet, sober snowman or snowwoman. Reach out to a fellow non-drinker if you have any questions or need any support. Whatever your reason for taking a little break (or a forever break) from drinking, I’m proud of you for deciding to upgrade your life in this way. You can do it!

The post I’ll Be Sober for Christmas appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.14.24

6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now

Turns out avoidance is not the answer. BySam Brodsky

Whether it’s a coworker overstepping, a friend bailing on plans last minute (again), or your dad being rude just to “rile you up,” there are about a million things that can cause conflict. It’s a damn minefield out there. And without solid conflict management skills, you can feel stuck, anxious, or perpetually pissed off. Not ideal.

In case you missed this lesson: Conflict happens when we have different points of view, make mistakes, or get caught in miscommunication traps, says licensed therapist Mallory Wolfgramm, LMFT. 

When any of that goes down, conflict management can help you share your feelings, hear the other person out, tolerate the discomfort of it all, and find a way to repair the situation or just move forward, says Wolfgramm. Those skills can strengthen relationships you care about, she adds. And for those people you don’t especially enjoy, conflict management enables you to coexist with less tension.

If you’re ready to manage conflict like a pro, here are the strategies therapists we spoke to recommend. 

1. Check in with yourself.

When an email from your work nemesis hits your inbox or your brother says that thing he knows  will set you off, hit pause before going into confrontation mode. When we’re wrapped up in our emotional reaction, especially anger or hurt, we can respond in a way we regret, says Wolfgramm. Big feelings can also make it harder to process information, which could lead to miscommunication. Maybe what they said wasn’t actually what you heard. It happens.

So, if you notice your heart is racing or you feel hot when talking to somebody (or reading their text), taking a beat can help you get into a clearer headspace, says Wolfgramm. From there, you can choose your words carefully, listen closely, and problem-solve effectively, she notes. 

To get to a calmer place, try a self-soothing exercise, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four you can touch or feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste, Wolfgramm suggests. You can also get clarity by journaling, calling a friend, or taking a walk, she says.

If you hate confrontation, you might be tempted to stop here and just pretend this whole thing never happened, which isn’t always helpful in the long run. Conflict avoidance usually backfires in one way or another, notes Wolfgramm. So don’t make this first step in conflict management your last. 

2. Assess the problem.

Once you’re more calm, you can get a feel for what’s really going on and the best way forward. Wolfgramm suggests asking yourself: Who is my beef with, are they worth it, and what do I want to get out of this interaction? 

It sounds simple, but if your struggle is with someone you care about or interact with frequently, that’s more important to resolve than a bot trash-talking you in your comments. Assuming you feel emotionally and physically safe with this person, it’s probably worth getting to the bottom of the issue with them, says Wolfgramm. 

Then, try to be real about your expectations. What do you need to feel better, and can this person give that to you? Asking yourself these Qs can help you decide if seeking a resolution is even possible, notes Wolfgramm. Maybe you know they’ll never see your side or what you really want is to make them feel bad. When either is the case—especially the latter—you’re not going to have a healthy conversation, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads. 

If they’re not worth it, you don’t feel safe, or your ideal outcome is unrealistic (or just petty), it’s time to settle this on your own, says Wolfgramm. Instead of attempting to manage the situation with the person involved, speak with someone who can understand where you’re coming from, like a therapist or another loved one, she suggests. 

Venting can help you name your feelings, acknowledge that there is a problem, and stop the rumination you’re experiencing, says Turner. “It kind of externalizes the conflict, so your brain doesn’t constantly go back to, What am I going to do? What is this issue?” she explains. It might not be as satisfying as having the person hear you out, but you’re still getting relief from the big emotions that conflict causes. 

Plus, finding understanding elsewhere can help you set boundaries that minimize future conflict, Wolfgramm adds.

3. Let them say their piece.

Part of conflict management is trying to empathize with and understand the other person, says Wolfgramm. Even if you don’t agree, making it obvious that you’re willing to hear them out is a great way to establish trust, she explains. If you skip this part, they’ll probably be less likely to listen to you.

So, invite them to share their side of the story, clarify what they mean, or make their case. When they do, Wolfgramm suggests making eye contact to show you’re actively listening. Afterward, try to sum up what they said to you and ask if you got it right. You can also ask more questions to get some clarity, Wolfgramm says. If you’re really struggling to see their side, challenge yourself to think of a time when you felt similarly, she notes. It’s not always easy, but it sets the stage for you to share your perspective and encourages them to show you the same respect.

4. Apologize if needed.

If you can see that you messed up, an apology can indicate that you want to take accountability for your part and honor what the other person experienced, says Turner. Try saying something like, “I was really frustrated, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t cool,” notes Turner. Whatever you do, avoid chasing “I’m sorry” with “but.” That basically cancels out the part where you took ownership, Wolfgramm explains. 

While apologizing can show someone that you know where you may have effed up, it’s not easy to forgive somebody right away if there’s a larger, prolonged problem, says Wolfgramm. You may just need time or, in some circumstances, a mental health professional to help out, she says—and that’s OK.

5. Be direct and kind.

When you hash out your side of the problem, being specific can help you avoid miscommunication and prevent this issue from popping up in the future. 

If you have time before your conversation, think about what you’re feeling, what triggered those feelings, and what you need from the other person to move forward, says Wolfgramm. Writing those down to refer to during your discussion can help you stay on track and get to the heart of the conflict, she says. 

It might seem a little over the top, but phrasing those points in the form of “I” statements will help you come off less aggressive, Wolfgramm adds. You can try something like, “I felt _____ when _____ happened because it made me think _____.”  Turner suggests also asking, “How do you think we can move forward?” to give them space to chime in. 

6. Stay open to compromise. 

You can go through all the steps above—making space for the other person, hearing them out, being direct, and avoiding defensiveness—and they’re still not willing to budge. When you’re at a standstill, it may be time for compromise.

A compromise is a sacrifice, explains Turner. It could be a big one or a small one, but the goal is to put your ideal outcome aside in hopes of resolving the issue or showing the other person you care about them (or both). 

That can look a lot of different ways, depending on what you’re dealing with. Maybe you agree not to talk about politics anymore or that you’ll message your team before booking the conference room for an entire day. 

Whatever middle ground you suggest, make sure that it doesn’t contradict your values or breed resentment, says Turner. “If the compromise feels like you’re actively carrying a burden … that’s a sign this compromise won’t work.” A good compromise is a reasonable sacrifice you’re OK making for the greater good of the relationship or some other outcome, Turner adds. Consider that conflict managed. 

The post 6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.21.24

Triggered? Here’s How to Deal

911, what’s your emergency? BySam Brodsky

In the year 2024, the internet has had its way with the term triggered. It’s well-traveled territory for mental health TikTok and has been memed to the point of losing all meaning. Alas!

But this term is one mental health pros and the psychological community at large (including the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-5-TR) have used to describe people, places, or situations that remind you of traumatic moments you’d rather forget and/or spark all kinds of mental health symptoms.

Whether you were already well-versed in all of that or not, here we asked therapists for more intel on what triggers are and what to do when they arrive.

What are triggers?

Generally speaking, a trigger is a “stimulus that elicits a reaction,” according to the American Psychological Association (APA). Like we said, these can be people, places, things, or situations that set off unhappy memories or emotional responses. 

Sometimes the call is coming from inside the house, meaning those triggers are internal thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations. For example, your heart pounding during a workout could bring you back to a time when you were scared for your life, says trauma psychologist Ayli Carrero Pinedo, PhD. 

Other times, things in your environment—a song, a smell, or the way someone looks—can be external triggers, reminding you of a traumatic event and/or causing an emotional reaction, like anxiety, panic, and depression, says clinical and forensic psychologist Dawn Hughes, PhD. Same goes for holidays or anniversaries, adds Dr. Carrero Pinedo.

Whether the trigger’s within you or around you, sometimes you can’t identify it in the moment, says Dr. Hughes. All you know is that you feel out of control.  

When we’re triggered, we feel intense and overwhelming emotions, memories, or physical feelings or we react impulsively, says clinical psychologist Abigail Percifield, PsyD. Though you might name-drop it casually with something like, “This botched salad order is triggering my trust issues,” that’s not quite right. “I see the term triggered being misused to describe when somebody is feeling bothered or uncomfortable,” Dr. Carrero Pinedo explains. But if you don’t feel overwhelmingly bad or out of control, it’s not the same as being triggered, she adds. 

That said, pretty much anyone can be triggered. You don’t need to experience trauma or have a mental health condition to be set off by something inside of or around you. Your neighbors loudly fighting can make you feel overwhelmingly anxious for no apparent reason. The weeks leading up to Father’s Day could make you feel depressed. A scene in a book could flood you with memories that make it hard to concentrate.

Still, if you have a mental health condition or survived something traumatic, you might be more likely to face triggers, says Dr. Percifield. For instance, someone dealing with a substance use disorder might feel triggered at a stressful family reunion and crave a drink, she says. Someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) might be triggered by an intrusive thought about germs in their apartment and feel the uncontrollable need to wash their hands, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. And people with post-traumatic stress disorder could feel triggered when something reminds them of a traumatic moment, says Dr. Hughes.

How to deal when you’re triggered.

No matter your situation, here’s what to do when those triggers infiltrate your life so you can feel better and move on faster. 

1. Acknowledge that your feelings aren’t facts.

When you’re triggered, you can feel like you’re in danger just sitting in your living room. Triggers are fun like that. So telling yourself that you’re being triggered but you’re still safe can disarm whatever’s freaking you out, says Dr. Hughes. 

You’re basically telling the panicked part of yourself that things are actually OK; you’re just going through a tough moment right now, and it will pass soon. That might even help those feelings resolve. You’re also gaining a sense of control when you feel very out of  control. 

2. Ground yourself. 

Once you’ve consciously established that the situation you’re in isn’t as dire as it feels, you can start to turn your attention to the present moment. “When you’re focusing on something else besides the trigger, you’re decreasing the initial overwhelming response that you had,” Dr. Carrero Pinedo explains. That reinforces the idea that you’re gonna be fine, even if you’re panicked (or whatever you’re feeling) right now.

To get more present amidst a freakout, turn to anything that feels soothing. You could quietly repeat, “I am safe,” to yourself; name the current day of the week or year; or put on some hand cream that smells good, suggests Dr. Hughes.  

There’s also the trusty 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Mindfulness exercises like this put the spotlight on your senses, which helps you shift out of your head, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

3. Move around. 

If you find that being triggered makes you feel physically frozen or stuck, doing the opposite can remind you that it’s safe, says Dr. Hughes. By rebelling against what your triggered brain wants, you might be able to shake off that response. You’re sending the message that you’re in control; your fears are not.

It could be as simple as wiggling your toes and fingers or walking to the bathroom, Dr. Hughes says. Do whatever feels easiest and build from there to snap out of it. 

4. Detach from your thoughts.

Sometimes when you’re triggered, you get stuck in your thoughts, says Dr. Percifield. You might catastrophize about all the things that could go wrong in the future or get caught up in a traumatic memory. 

When that happens, the first step is to ask yourself, “Are these thoughts telling me anything useful or important right now?” says Dr. Percifield. The answer is often no. That little step starts to create some distance between you and the mental chatter that’s upsetting you. That takes the power away from those ideas, making you feel less bothered by them.

Of course, that’s not the only way to get some space from the stuff bubbling up in your head. Here are some other strategies that can help you detach from your unhelpful thoughts, according Dr. Percifield:

• Imagine your thoughts passing by as leaves on a stream, words on a news screen, drifting clouds, or floats in a parade 
• Describe the thought, like, “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough”
• Sing your internal dialogue
• Write the ideas on paper and re-read them as an objective outsider
• Visualize putting your thoughts into a container

A quick aside: If you’re finding it hard to separate yourself from your thoughts like this, it might just mean you’re too overwhelmed and grounding techniques (like some of the ones above) might work better in the moment, Dr. Percifield notes.

5. Hold yourself accountable. 

Because being triggered is overwhelming (and we’re only human), we can react in ways that we might regret later. Maybe you snap at your coworker, throw your phone across the room, or make a scene at Starbucks. That can lead to feeling ashamed, which sets off a cycle of more negative emotions, says Dr. Percifield. And that’s not ideal when you’re already feeling a lot of uncomfortable stuff.

But, if you take accountability for what you did when you were triggered, you might be able to move forward faster and use new coping skills down the line. “It also fosters a sense of personal agency, acknowledging that, even when we’re triggered, we still have the power to make choices about how we respond,” Dr. Percifield explains. 

So, if you acted out, apologize, Dr. Percifield suggests. If you relapse, call someone who’s supporting your sobriety, she adds. Whatever you gotta do to repair the harm done and grow from the experience is fair game, she says.

6. Work with a therapist. 

It might be obvious, but being triggered can impact how you function in your daily life. Maybe you can’t concentrate at work, you’re sleeping like shit, your reactions are harmful to yourself or others, or your mental health has been tanking for a long time. Any of that can really mess with your day-to-day. If you can relate, that’s a sign you’d benefit from working with a mental health professional, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

There are lots of different ways a therapist can help you manage your symptoms and develop coping skills to get by when stuff goes down, but that will depend on what you’re dealing with. 

For example, if you have OCD, exposure and response prevention (a kind of exposure therapy) triggers your compulsions with the guidance of a mental health pro. Then, they’ll help you find new ways to manage those urges, explains Dr. Carrero Pinedo. This can help you slowly get used to your triggers and respond differently. 

If you’re experiencing triggers related to something traumatic, trauma therapy, like EMDR or narrative therapy, might be useful, says Dr. Hughes. These modalities can heal your trauma, ultimately eliminating triggers over time, notes Dr. Percifield. 

At the end of the day, “you are worthy of a nervous system that is calm and that is going to allow you to thrive,” assures Dr. Carrero Pinedo.

The post Triggered? Here’s How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.08.24

How to Be There for Someone Without Emotionally Draining Yourself

Sometimes small support is the best support. BySam Brodsky

Whether you’re running errands for a sleepless friend who needs postpartum help, sending job listings to your brother who’s struggling at work, or letting your heartbroken coworker vent, being there for others can feel like a no-brainer. When we care about someone, even a little, we want to make their lives better when they’re down.

It’s hard and sometimes uncomfortable to watch your people in distress, and, as humans, it’s instinctual to try to be of service, says therapist Nicole O’Brien, PhD, LMFT. But, even with an endless supply of good intentions, being part of anyone’s emotional support system can be draining. 

For starters, it’s easy to get totally wrapped up in what someone else is going through, says therapist Hope Kelaher, LCSW. It’s sort of like you’re sitting in dirty bathwater with your friend instead of holding their hand from outside  the tub, Kelaher explains. (Gross visual, but you get it.) Generally speaking, setting boundaries can be tough when you’re in it with them. 

Plus, if you’re already going through some heavy stuff, being there for someone else can feel extra taxing, explains therapist Rowen Beaudoin-Colegrove, LMFT. “If you’re physically ill, it becomes harder for you to care for others who are ill. That can also be true for mental health challenges,” Beaudoin-Colegrove says.

Same goes when their circumstances feel triggering to you. That can bring up an intense emotional response, like physical sensations, uncomfortable feelings, or unwanted memories, which require a lot of your energy to manage, explains Dr. O’Brien. 

All of this is to say that it’s normal to feel drained while being there for your person. It’s unrealistic to think otherwise, says Dr. O’Brien. But, if you let that drainage go unchecked, it can lead to burnout and mess with your relationships too, she adds. And that’s why we’re here today, folks.

Below, mental health pros explain how to take care of yourself while taking care of others. With these practices in place, you can be an even better support person who gives genuine attention and care to those who need it. Here we go!

1. Take a beat before you offer support. 

It makes sense if you wanna be there for friends or family right away when you see them in pain. You care! They need you! But when we don’t ask ourselves if we truly  have the capacity before jumping into action, it can lead to burnout, says Dr. O’Brien.

To avoid all of that, Kelaher suggests using these prompts to check in:

• How are my body and mind feeling? 
• Can I give this person what they need right now? 
• Do I have my own support if I jump right in and whatever they’re going through stirs up hard feelings or memories for me? 

If your answers give you the green light or tell you to proceed with caution, go for it. However, if you’re getting a no, be honest. 

Say your friend texts that they need to vent about their hellish workday and wants to call you on their commute home. If your brain is currently at max capacity or you’ve just come up for air after a week of chaos, you could text back, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry to hear your boss was a monster again! Mind if I call you this weekend? I want to hear all the details, but I’m currently dead inside. LMK! Can’t wait to catch up!” Whatever you say, the goal is to be direct about your limits while staying compassionate, says Kelaher. 

2. Ask what they need. 

Sometimes our people aren’t always clear about what kind of support they’re looking for. That can make it hard to judge whether you can give an assist. If that’s the case, just ask what they need, says Beaudoin-Colegrove. From there, you can check in with yourself to see whether that’s realistic for you right now or nah. If it’s a no, offer up other options that are more doable for you, he says. 

Let’s say you asked your newly single friend what you can do to help them get excited about this next phase of life. If they respond with a terrifying, “Be my wingman at this speed dating event,” you can say, “Woo! So proud of you for getting after it! I cannot wait to hear how it goes! Unfortunately, I can’t make it out, but I’ll be sending good vibes!” Then offer to swing by their place while they get ready to hype them up or come up with not-dumb first-date questions. Whatever makes sense for you is fair game. There are so many ways you can show them you care, says Dr. O’Brien.

3. Keep checking in with yourself. 

Like taking a pause to notice how you feel before offering help, tuning in to how you’re doing during or after supporting someone can also prevent emotional drainage.

That’s especially true since we often don’t know how mentally exhausted we’ll be until we’re in it. I mean, it’s hard to tell whether coffee with a work bud will somehow evolve into a rage-chat about their situationship. So staying present with our physical and mental feels can inform whether we need to set some limits right now or later on.

Kelaher suggests you ask yourself: Do I feel uncomfortable? Is my body tense? Do I feel overwhelmed or anxious when talking to this person? Am I finding it difficult to stay fully present with them?  Beaudoin-Colegrove says fatigue, irritability, and resentment toward the other person are also signs you’re drained.

How you use that info depends on the situation. Maybe you’re on the phone with someone who’s been venting about their ex for the past 45 minutes, and you notice that you’re starting to zone out. You can say something like, “You’re so right. That’s such a sucky situation. I’d love to keep chatting, but I’ve gotta run in a few. Maybe we can talk more later?” Or, if time isn’t the problem, you can acknowledge their annoying ex, validate their feelings, and subtly change the subject. 

Of course, it’s not always that simple. If you said you’d watch a friend’s kids while she visits her dad in the hospital, don’t bail when you realize that the playtime and mealtime (and mealtime that is  playtime) are stressing you out. When you make a commitment, see it through, says Kelaher. But the next time someone wants you to watch their kids in a pinch, ask yourself if you’re willing to make the same commitment knowing you’ll be tired and stressed, Kelaher explains. 

4. Set boundaries when you need to.

Boundaries are basically limits you set for yourself and others that dictate how you want to be treated. And, even when you’re trying to be a reliable person, you need some guardrails to protect your physical and mental health.

Maybe you’re fine going to a friend’s place on a random Saturday night because they feel lonely—even if you were craving some solo dolo time. That’s really nice of you! But if it happens over and over again, you’ll risk burning yourself out without a boundary, says Dr. O’Brien. When it starts to take a toll (or before it gets that bad), tell them that you can’t make it but you’d love to get coffee in the morning or hang out some other time. From there, commit to only squashing their Saturday scaries when you have the bandwidth. It’s subtle, but it’s a boundary. 

5. Take care of yourself when you’re triggered.

Being there for someone can be triggering for a lot of reasons. Maybe you’ve been through something similar or it just reminds you of an experience you’d rather forget. No matter the root issue, being triggered can bring up uncomfortable feelings, memories, and sensations in your body in an overwhelming way, says Dr. O’Brien. Obviously, that experience paired with helping someone else is very tiring (to say the least). 

That’s why separating your feelings from the other person’s is key to giving an assist without worrying about two things at once. Yes, you could gently decline to step up, but if that doesn’t feel like an option or you’re already in too deep, take a moment to remind yourself that this situation is not yours, says Dr. O’Brien. Then, make a mental note to address whatever’s coming up for you later on, she suggests. 

You’re not ignoring your own issues. Instead, you’re acknowledging them and shifting back to the present situation to preserve your energy, says Dr. O’Brien. 

6. Fuel up on self-care. 

This might sound obvious, but if you do things that replenish your mental and physical energy, it’ll be easier for you to take care of other people. How can you run on empty?! “Self-care helps us build our energetic reserve and increase our capacity for [supporting others],” explains Kelaher. 

When you’re tired from a busy week but know you’ll be on duty to comfort a grieving friend, stock up on the energy you’re missing beforehand. Do you need more sleep? Do you need some puppy cuddles? Do you need to go on a walk or watch a mind-numbing documentary on the secret life of squirrels? (IDK.) “It’s about being aware of what you need to do to show up for the other person,” Kelaher says. 

The post How to Be There for Someone Without Emotionally Draining Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 06.28.24

Do I Need Trauma Therapy?

Let’s get healed. BySam Brodsky

If you recently heard about trauma therapy, that makes sense. Over the last few years, for better or for worse, your friends, your fam, and the internet at large have become a lot more acquainted with trauma and how to heal it.

Trauma is any disturbing event that scares you, makes you feel helpless, leaves you confused, or stirs up other hard emotions that are so intense that they negatively impact your “attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning” going forward, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). 

Whether you grew up in an unsafe environment, witnessed a tragic accident, survived one, or experienced something else traumatic, circumstances like these can scare the shit out of us and shift how we feel and function in everyday life. 

But the effects of trauma are as wide-ranging as the things that can traumatize us. On the more intense end of the trauma symptom spectrum, some can have flashbacks, avoid specific people and places, or experience depression, says clinical and forensic psychologist Demara Bennett, PsyD, who specializes in trauma. Some might also develop a trauma- and stressor-related disorder, like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), she says. 

If you can relate (or know someone who can) and you’re interested in learning more about how to treat those symptoms with trauma therapy, we got you. Below, we spoke to mental health pros about what trauma therapy is, how it works, and how to find someone to help you work through your struggles. 

What is trauma therapy? 

Turns out, there’s no official authority that regulates what trauma therapy is, how it’s defined, and who gets to practice it. That makes this question a little tricky to answer. But, on a basic level, trauma therapy is therapy that’s meant to help you heal from thoughts and feelings caused by trauma, says Dr. Bennett. 

Yes, any therapist can help you manage mental health struggles stemming from past events or traumas. But a trauma therapist is a mental health professional who specializes in treating trauma- and stressor-related disorders as well as debilitating symptoms of trauma, says clinical psychologist Jessica Punzo, PsyD, president-elect of the APA’s trauma psychology division.

Even though trauma therapists aren’t regulated, they typically seek extra training, like internships and certification programs, to learn how to treat those conditions and challenges, says Dr. Punzo. That makes them better equipped to work with clients whose trauma symptoms are dramatically interfering with their lives. 

The therapeutic modalities used in trauma therapy are ones that’ve been shown to improve severe symptoms of trauma or were developed to do so (even if there’s not quite enough evidence yet to prove they work). 

Honestly, there are a lot of types of trauma therapy out there, including eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) and prolonged exposure, and your trauma therapist will help you figure out which seems most suited for you, says clinical psychologist Abigail Percifield, PsyD, vice president of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. 

How long trauma therapy takes to work depends on many factors, but it could be as little as six weeks, says Dr. Bennett. Of course, sometimes people need years of treatment, especially if they have the type of long-lasting trauma that usually happens in childhood, aka complex PTSD (C-PTSD), says Dr. Percifield. 

How to know if trauma therapy is right for you 

If you’ve been dealing with severe trauma symptoms, you’d definitely benefit from finding a trauma therapist. And that’s true even if you’re not sure what brought them on in the first place, says Dr. Punzo. “Trauma is subjective,” she explains. “Therapists are not detectives; they’re not here to prove that you had a traumatic experience.” Instead, they’re here to help you deal with the aftermath in a way that feels safe and holds space for whatever you went through.

If you’re in therapy already, you might be wondering if it’s worth finding a trauma  therapist to address your symptoms. Ultimately, it’s up to you. If you feel like your therapist is helping you cope with whatever you’ve been through, that’s great! If you’re looking for more trauma-focused treatment from someone with experience treating severe trauma symptoms, it could be worth making the switch. That said, if your therapist suspects you’d benefit from services they can’t provide, it’s best practice for them to refer you to someone who can help, notes trauma psychologist Ayli Carrero Pinedo, PhD. So maybe ask them what they think. 

Types of trauma therapy

Like we said, there are lots of different approaches to treating trauma. Some of them have scientific evidence backing up their trauma-healing efficacy, and others don’t. While there’s some debate about the best standard of treatment for severe trauma, below we explain a few trauma therapies mental health pros generally agree are most helpful. 

Prolonged exposure (PE)

This is a kind of exposure therapy where you gradually face the fears associated with your trauma. PE teaches you that these memories and situations aren’t actually dangerous, according to the APA.  

With your therapist, you’ll describe the trauma as if it’s happening in present tense and record yourself, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. Replaying this outside of the sessions (homework!) enables you to confront and process emotions that you may have been avoiding, she says. 

You’ll also gradually put yourself in real-life situations that trigger your fear associated with the trauma. For example, if crowds really scare you, you might go to the grocery store and just park outside. The next time, you might go to the door and, the time after that, walk in one aisle, Dr. Carrero Pinedo notes. (You get the point!)

Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)

CPT helps you challenge unhelpful beliefs that stem from your trauma, according to the APA. Some of those beliefs might sound like, “I was weak,” or, “I should have done something differently,” or, “If I open up to people, I’ll get hurt.” Whether you’re aware of it or not, these mindsets can keep you stuck, says Dr. Bennett. Over a series of sessions, your therapist can help shift your perspective by prompting you for evidence for or against these thoughts and eventually help you modify your own beliefs around the traumatic event, explains Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

During an EMDR session, a therapist asks you questions about a traumatic memory while you follow their finger or something else from left to right with your eyes, says Dr. Percifield. Other times a therapist may have you hold a device that vibrates in one hand and then the other, or listen to a sound playing in one ear and then the other with headphones, while asking you questions, she explains. These alternating sensations, sounds, or visuals are examples of bilateral stimulation, which may help make your traumatic memories less vivid and emotional, according to the APA.

It’s not 100% clear why EMDR works, but one theory suggests that doing two things at once—the eye movement or other sensory activity, plus recalling the traumatic memory—disrupts your working memory, and this helps make what you’re remembering less emotional and vivid, according to a systematic review. Paying attention to these two things at once also somehow allows you to access more adaptive information about your environment and yourself—aka info you’ve learned from non-traumatic experiences, like looking at situations realistically, Dr. Percifield explains.

FYI, EMDR can potentially stir up traumatic memories you didn’t know you had, so experiencing them in therapy can feel like a lot, Dr. Percifield says. Maybe that’s not something you’re ready for. But EMDR can be a good option for people who don’t want to do in-person exposures or don’t have time for homework.

Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT)

This one is typically utilized by trauma therapists treating kids and adolescents and their parents or caregivers. It involves exposure work and learning coping skills for dealing with the effects of trauma, per the APA. 

The child would also create what Dr. Bennett calls a trauma narrative, where they’d think about the trauma and write about it, paint it, or express it in other ways. “It’s not just a retelling; it’s your opportunity to have more power over the experience,” she says. 

Narrative therapy

This kind of therapy is meant to rewrite your life story with “true but more life-enhancing narratives or stories,” per the APA. The theory is that by deconstructing the events of your life, including your trauma and the problems it’s caused, you can put it back together in a more helpful way.

This could be especially helpful when dealing with intergenerational trauma, or racial trauma, says Dr. Carrero Pinedo. “It can really emphasize the resistance of your ancestors, the strength of their survival, and the wisdom that they have carried throughout the years, rather than just focusing solely on the trauma experienced,” she explains. 

FWIW, if you suspect you have intergenerational trauma, consider researching traditional healing practices from your cultural or community background, says Dr. Percifield. “[Trauma treatment] doesn’t always have to be [from] a Western lens; we can have music and movement and dance. All those things are also ways of healing,” adds Dr. Carrero Pinedo. 

How to find a trauma therapist

Ultimately, a person who calls themself a trauma therapist should have the training to back it up, which might look like certifications in some of the trauma therapies we talked about above. There’s no one certification that a trauma therapist needs  to get in order to call themself a specialist in trauma, says Dr. Punzo. And even mental health pros without certifications can have training from reputable trauma orgs and years and years of experience treating trauma, so it’s best to look at a therapist’s full skillset and background, notes Dr. Percifield. You can also check out these directories to up your chances of finding a therapist who specializes and is trained in trauma therapy:

• International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation
• EMDR International Association 
• Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy National Therapist Certification Program
• Cognitive Processing Therapy For PTSD  
• International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies

Once you find someone, hop on the phone or email them to ask what treatments they’re certified in and the kinds of clients they see (they should say that most of their clients are dealing with severe trauma symptoms, complex PTSD, or trauma- and stressor-related disorders).

As you get started with a trauma therapist, check in to ask yourself  how you feel during your sessions, suggests Dr. Percifield. Is this type of therapy meeting your needs? Does it feel right for you? Do you feel like you can communicate with your therapist? If so, that’s great! If not, maybe keep looking.

Heads up: It might not feel amazing from the get-go. Being nervous about delving into everything  is totally valid, says Dr. Bennett. After all, we tend to avoid things that are emotionally distressing, she notes, and trauma is one of them.

The post Do I Need Trauma Therapy? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.26.24

17 Actually Helpful Tips for Dating While Sober

From people who get the struggle. BySam Brodsky

Maybe you stopped drinking because you couldn’t shake the hangxiety, or you didn’t like Drunk You, or your dry bank account begged for a Dry January. And while making that choice is a really big, important, and impressive step, it can be a lot if you’re currently single and dating.

For starters, you’re not wrong if you feel like alcohol is never not  served where dates happen. And that’s not ideal if you’re trying to avoid it or don’t trust that you can when it’s on the menu.

Then there’s the whole judgment and rejection thing. Will the person you’re going out with be cool with your sobriety? Will they be freaked out by the reasons you’re not drinking? Those questions can also make sober dating extra intimidating, says psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC.

Going into a date without a buzz might also mean feeling less confident, sexy, or flirty than you would after a glass or two, explains Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, who’s been alcohol-free and in recovery since 2015. It’s a lot harder to relax in the presence of a new person without that liquid courage, you know?

So, yeah, sober dating is not for the faint of heart, but it might also be better than you expected. Here, we spoke with therapists and sober daters for the things that helped them or their clients feel good and make meaningful connections minus the booze. Take what works for you! 

1. Know your limits.

“If you’re someone who doesn’t drink, then it’s up to you to determine what your limits are when it comes to dating. Can you be around alcohol socially without compromising your values or sobriety? Can you kiss someone who has alcohol on their breath? Can you date someone whose lifestyle revolves around drinking? Each person will be different.” —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST 

2. Don’t settle for disrespect.

“Sobriety is a huge part of my identity, and I’m very comfortable talking about it. But if someone surrounds themself with drinking and doesn’t respect your own sobriety, it won’t work. It’s not a good fit, and it’s not worth rolling the dice with your life.” —Jay D., 43 

3. Bring up your sobriety right away.

“I don’t drink because of mental health reasons and because I’ve found that the comedown from drinking alcohol is not worth whatever buzz I experience in the moment. In the past, telling people that I didn’t drink while we were making plans to meet up for a date eliminated any in-person awkwardness. They’d go into the date knowing where I stood. Most people were like my now-wife, who said it was no big deal when I told her. But, in the rare instances where there was pushback, that red flag saved me a lot of time and energy.” —Lilly P., 27

4. Add your sobriety status to your dating profile. 

“Over the years of sober dating in New York City, I’ve tried putting ‘sober’ on my dating app profile, waiting until we DMed to tell them I’m sober, or telling them IRL. Putting ‘sober’ on my profile was the most efficient route for me. I didn’t like wasting my time or my date’s time only to find out that they don’t want to date someone who doesn’t drink.” —Tawny Lara 

5. Make a list of booze-free activities.

“If you’re asked out for drinks and you don’t want to be around alcohol, you can suggest an alternative like a coffee shop or walk. Make a list of these non-alcohol dates—it never hurts to have ideas prepped that don’t revolve around drinking.” —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST 

6. Focus on connection. 

“Being in an alcohol-free setting might give you time to build rapport with someone new before you bring up your sobriety. There’s no risk of alcohol becoming a distraction.” —psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC

7. Do something you already know you like.

“January 2024 was my eighth Dry January, and I’ve done a number of Sober Octobers, Sober Septembers, Dry Julys, and consecutive months in between. If you’re worried that sober dating won’t be fun, pick something to do that you are genuinely interested in. Go to a yoga or HIIT class that you know you’re going to enjoy. If you’re dying to check out an art gallery, food festival, or some sports game, suggest that to your date. You still might find out that the person  isn’t super fun—that’s a sucky thing that can happen—but at least the activity will be great.” —Hilary Sheinbaum, author of The Dry Challenge and Going Dry: A Workbook

8. Speak up when you’re uncomfortable. 

“When you reevaluate your relationship with booze, it’s helpful to establish boundaries with dates who still drink. For example, if kissing someone with boozy breath is a turnoff or makes you rethink your sobriety, you could say, ‘Would you mind brushing your teeth before we have some sexy time? The smell of whiskey is a little triggering for me.’ If you’re uneasy about going to a restaurant that serves alcohol, you could be like, ‘I’d rather not eat at restaurants that serve alcohol right now. How about we try that new frozen yogurt spot for dessert after I cook dinner?'” —Tawny Lara

9. If you need to, date someone sober (or sober-ish).

“Personally, I avoid dating somebody actively struggling with addiction because it jeopardizes my own sobriety. But it’s a personal decision. Many successful couples thrive despite having different relationships with alcohol—one may drink socially while the other doesn’t. That said, a sober person might find it challenging to be with a heavy drinker. If this would make you uncomfortable, find a partner who shares your views.” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

10. Find a confidence boost elsewhere. 

“If booze helped you feel more confident before a date, try texting a selfie of your date-night outfit to the group chat. Those fire emojis will give you the feel-good boost you need to get out the door.” —Tawny Lara

11. Remember that it gets easier.

“I was 26 when I got sober because I had a really problematic relationship with alcohol. The dating scene was tricky to navigate because not drinking was a lot more unusual six years ago. The first sober date is always terrifying, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. My first one was ironically at a pub! I definitely struggled to make conversation. Now, I’m way more prepared with questions ahead of time just in case my mind goes blank.” —Millie Gooch, founder of Sober Girl Society 

12. Give nonalcoholic drinks a shot.

“There are some amazing nonalcoholic options these days. Free Spirits has canned cocktails that are great for tailgating or pregaming, FLUÉRE has amazing spirits for mixing and muddling during at-home date nights, and Do’Mo has zero-proof elixirs for picnics or the beach. And if you’re looking for places that serve nonalcoholic drinks, you can use the Better Without app.” —Hilary Sheinbaum

13. Try ~the apps~.

“Meeting people in real life while pursuing your own hobbies or interests is a great option, but there are several sober dating apps out now or launching soon. A few are Loosid, Club Pillar, and Drybaby.” —Tawny Lara

14. Focus on learning more about the person you’re with.

“As a psychologist who often works with clients struggling within the dating scene, I see that it’s common for many people to use alcohol as a social lubricant. But I encourage people who want to rely less on substances to go on a date with the mindset that they’re just trying to learn more about a stranger, even if the relationship doesn’t go anywhere after that. Topics like travel, ‘would you rather’s, embarrassing memories, and two truths and a lie can all be great icebreakers.” —clinical psychologist Cynthia Shaw, PsyD

15. Calm your dating nerves in other ways.

“There’s nothing wrong with feeling nervous—it’s part of the process. But there are a lot of ways to calm your mind and body without substances. Personally, I find a cold plunge or cold shower helpful for getting me out of that fight or flight mode. Having a friend on the phone for support before the date can also help manage stress.” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

16. Remember why you stopped drinking.

“People (at least the ones you should probably date) are attracted to others who have the strength to make positive life choices. By the time I started dating in sobriety, I was turning my life around and was proud of myself. I wasn’t ashamed of mistakes I made in my past, and I knew I added positively to society. I know my wife never would have dated me if I drank like I used to, and, even though she isn’t a recovering alcoholic, she respected me for my decision to better myself. Confidence in sobriety is sexy. Try not to hesitate when you talk about it.” —Jay D., 43 

17. Embrace the present. 

“One of the wonderful things about being sober and dating is that you have a clear head, which means you’re able to be more present with the other person. Dating sober also lets you recognize if you and the other person are compatible more quickly—and alcohol isn’t influencing whether you think you mesh well. It is more than possible to enjoy dating and build meaningful connections without booze!” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

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