Pro Tips Link Copied 09.05.24

How to Deal When You’re the Only Person in Your Family Who Goes to Therapy

It may be easier than you think. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

The road to self-discovery and healing is not an easy one. And family members who aren’t exactly on board with your efforts to live, feel, and be better can make things that much more difficult.

Maybe they don’t get why you’re in therapy, they talk shit about people who get mental health help (or the idea of it in general), or they just refuse to address their own emotional struggles. Whatever the case, it can be tough to spend time with your people when they’re not on the same growth trajectory as you—especially if they’re part of the reason you’re in therapy. *side eye*

Finding out a loved one is seeking therapy can make some people—especially parents—feel vulnerable, explains therapist Amanda Jurist, LCSW, who specializes in child, adolescent, family and adult psychotherapy. 

Your family members might interpret your decision to get mental health help or just your interest in it as a reflection of them or something they did wrong. They might also have negative ideas of what it means to struggle with your mental health and what it says about you. Plus that topic can bring up past traumas in the family or tough emotions around their lived experiences. All of these things play into how and why a family may react to conversations around therapy, says Jurist.

While you should definitely have some empathy for all of that, you’re also on your own journey. As you stick with therapy, you’ll develop more emotional intelligence. You’ll learn what dynamics work for you, which don’t, and what triggers your uncomfortable feelings, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, author of Retrain Your Anxious Brain. Over time, you can become more conscious of other people and how your actions impact them. 

Existing in these two realities can be super tough. You have a lot of self-awareness, but you have to interact with a family who might not. That’s frustrating as hell.

To help you better navigate this not-so-pleasant path, we asked mental health pros for tips to balance your personal growth with your family’s unwillingness or inability to work on themselves.

1. Resist preaching the gospel of therapy.

We get it. When you’re in therapy and making big progress, it can be hard not to drop hints or demand your family do it too. But you shouldn’t go there. Instead, you want to try to model how therapy is working for you and how you want to be treated by opening a dialogue (see: not pressuring them to see your side). 

Rather than trying to force therapy down your family’s throats, try something more subtle like, “I noticed that I had some tendencies I wanted to change, so I started going to therapy,” says Jurist. Then add, “If you’re ever curious about it, I’m happy to tell you more about my personal experience. It might be different from the impression you already have.”

If they seem more open, you could also invite them to take part with you, saying, “Hey, I have some things to unpack, and I feel safe doing it with my therapist, would you like to join me?” Maybe they’ll be down for a little family therapy.

2. Focus on your why.

The advice for sticking to a daily routine and navigating therapy with an unsupportive (toxic) family are kind of the same. In order to get through the hard times, you have to remember why you started out on this road in the first place. 

As you face jokes, critiques, or judgey comments about going to therapy, you need a mission statement to bring you back to the very real reasons you decided to get some help. Maybe it’s breaking toxic family cycles, overcoming the traumatic thing no one in your family talks about, or managing a mental health condition to feel better. 

Whatever your why, keeping it top of mind allows you to focus on the issues that matter and stay committed to your therapeutic process. When a family member confronts you and questions your decision-making, that’s when you tap into your why and use the tools you’ve learned in therapy to manage the situation.

Without this guiding light, it’s easy to revert to old patterns that have dictated how you interact with your family up to now, says Jurist. “When you are not actively working to be who you want to be, your muscle memory is your foundation,” she says. But if you remember why you’re trying to better yourself, you’ll be more equipped to handle others’ responses.

3. Assert yourself.

If your family isn’t big on setting boundaries or doesn’t see the value of listening to someone’s feelings, they can be disrespectful when the idea of therapy or taking care of your mental health comes up, says Tsilimparis.

While you can’t do much to change their rude or dismissive behavior, assertively communicating your feelings can raise your self-esteem over time and emphasize that your thoughts and feelings matter too. That can be really helpful if you’ve been too intimidated to speak up in the past, adds Tsilimparis. “Most of the time people have dysfunction with their families because they’re unable to express themselves openly and honestly.”

To start getting respectfully assertive, identify what you feel in this situation. This can soften the convo because you’re introducing your experience. It’s hard to be pissed when someone says they’re sad or hurt, you know? Then, identify the behavior that’s making you feel that way, not the person involved. Tsilimparis calls this the “what I see” part of the assertive statement, and it helps you hold the behavior accountable without being judgey or casting blame on whoever acted that way. Finally, identify what you need to feel better as a way to reinforce that you have a preference about how people treat you. 

For example, you could say, “I feel frustrated and hurt when people belittle me for seeking mental health help. I’d feel more at ease if everyone could try to understand or not talk about it at all.”

Again, there’s no guarantee your family will say, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do that again,” Tsilimparis says. There might even be push back, but if you keep speaking up when your feelings are hurt, after a while, they could realize this is really affecting you. “It elevates the chances that the [family member] might change their behavior.” 

4. Ease their fears.

If their reaction to, “I’ve recently started therapy!” is to shame you, a la Cersei Lannister’s  atonement walk, know that it’s more about them than you. “When someone feels so passionately against a thing that has nothing to do with them, there’s usually something else going on,” says Jurist. Right or wrong, “something about that moment gave them an opportunity to connect and dump emotionally.”

While it can be hard to know what set them off, Tsilimparis says the likely culprit is fear. “They may believe that the therapeutic process means you are slowly migrating away from the family,” he says. They might also be scared that you’ll tell their life story to someone they don’t know, he adds. It can also feel threatening when one member of a dysfunctional family changes or grows because they might have to change and grow too. 

“I remember when I first went to therapy, my mom said to me, ‘What is that woman telling you about us?’”says Tsilimparis. “I had to tell her it’s not about you, it’s about me. I’m taking responsibility for my life, and I’m going to therapy because I’m trying to get better.” 

If you can, ask your family what’s behind their strong reaction. Maybe they’ll be honest, maybe they won’t. Regardless, you can reassure your family that you love them and that you’re attempting to feel better—that’s nothing to be scared of, he says.

Just be careful not to take responsibility for your loved ones emotional state, says Jurist. “The emotional work is theirs to do, not yours.” 

5. Rethink your responses.

If your family is a real source of stress or drama, your therapist might be able to shed light on your dynamic, the roles people play, and how those can cause issues, says Jurist. From there, they can also help you shift out of the unhelpful role you play in this group, which could benefit you and your family (even if they don’t go to therapy). 

When you shake up the way you respond to old, dysfunctional patterns, like your mom’s passive aggressive comments or your brother’s outbursts, that changes up the whole family dynamic, says Jurist. When you decline to participate the way you used to, the rest of your family will be taken aback and maybe rethink the way they respond. You’re basically booping them out of an unconscious pattern. Maybe they end up reacting to your assertiveness or boundary in a way that’s healthier for everyone. You never know!

Even if they don’t immediately become better communicators or start expressing their feelings, they’ll be able to see how this shift in your reaction to their behavior benefits you. “Generally family members start to notice [when you make positive changes] and start to get curious,” says Jurist. A win is a win!

6. Disengage.

If you’ve tried everything on this list and your family is still talking trash, tell them you’re not willing to talk about this anymore, says Tsilimparis. Say something like, “We can talk about anything else, but let’s not talk about therapy,” he says. You can add, “Please don’t ask me about it or give your opinion on it.” 

When they’re still giving you a hard time, taking some space to detach for a bit can help. You don’t have to ghost them (you could though). Instead, give them a heads up with something like, “I’m going to take some space because I don’t feel comfortable talking about therapy with you all right now. Once I feel less activated about that, I’ll reach out.” There is nothing wrong with mentally creating space for yourself, adds Jurist. 

Hitting pause on the time you spend with them enables you to take care of your needs and reflect on the situation so you can find a path forward. “That’s the most valuable thing you can do for yourself,” she says.

The post How to Deal When You’re the Only Person in Your Family Who Goes to Therapy appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.20.24

5 Things to Consider Before Quiet Quitting Your Job

If you hate it here, hear us out. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

By now, you’ve definitely heard of quiet quitting. Maybe you saw the TikToks a while back, but it’s also possible you’ve witnessed quiet quitters out in the wild. Your colleague who doesn’t speak up in meetings much anymore, won’t pick up tasks outside their job description, or comes in later and leaves earlier than they used to—yeah, that’s textbook quiet quitting. Perhaps you’re considering a do-less kind of mindset shift at your job too.

Though it’s more of a cultural shorthand than psychological term, quiet quitting means meeting the minimum requirements at work rather than resigning, explains Marianna Strongin, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and Founder of StrongIn Therapy. 

But it’s not like aspiring quiet quitters are straight-up lazy and/or selfish. In her experience, Dr. Strongin says that quiet quitting often happens when people feel “invalidated, uninspired, and neglected in the workplace.”  

It makes sense: If you feel like your company doesn’t appreciate you or inspire you, why would you feel motivated to keep up the effort? For most of us, our self-esteem is fueled by being seen and validated, says Dr. Strongin. So if we’re not getting that at work, our self-image can take a hit—along with our productivity and creativity, she adds. Those are things that are generally helpful when you need to get shit done.

This theory is especially relevant as companies continue to ask employees to do more with less, says Cicely Horsham-Brathwaite, PhD, a licensed psychologist, coach, and author of Self-Care Activities for Women. Without recognition or compensation in return, what’s the point of going above and beyond?

That’s why some experts see quiet quitting as a short-term solution to a bigger problem. When you do just enough to get by at work, you might have more freedom to reassess your priorities and values and maybe even take back some agency, says Dr. Strongin.

Still, it’s probably not sustainable or even risk-free. If your boss starts to notice you pulling back, there’s a chance you could be let go, sure. The mental health implications of an IDGAF attitude at your 9 to 5 aren’t great either, explains Dr. Strongin. “We have to be challenged in order to continue developing and growing. By consistently doing less than what we’re capable of, we send a message to our body and mind that challenge isn’t good.” That complacency can slide into other parts of our lives too, she adds.

So, if you’re thinking about pulling way back at work (or already started the process), these five Qs below can help you troubleshoot your situation and take action. You might have more options than you think.

1. Do you know why you want to quietly quit this job?

If you’re not clear on the root issue, you’re missing out on crucial information that can help you make positive changes, says Dr. Strongin. So ask yourself: What underlying problems are at play here? Maybe you feel a lack of purpose, community, or appreciation. Maybe you’re fed up with being overworked and underpaid. 

Whatever the problem, use that data to help you figure out next steps at work or on your own time, Dr. Strongin explains. 

You might find that a little internal work could make a huge difference. For example, Dr. Strongin says that one of her clients realized that his boss was triggering old wounds. The manager never validated him or gave positive feedback, which was similar to the way he was raised, she explains. “In therapy we learned to create an emotional barrier between him and his boss, and he was able to continue working there and enjoy the work.”

2. Have you talked to your boss?

If the biggest thing driving you to quiet quit is a problem with management or your work environment, it might be time to have a discussion with your boss. 

But, yeah, that’s so hard! Perhaps that’s why you were drawn to quiet quitting in the first place? Dr. Strongin says people who are more conflict-avoidant may be especially drawn to mildly ghosting their job since it enables them to continue working without having to confront their dissatisfactions. Yet, that strategy won’t solve the actual problem. Alas.

Here’s what you could do instead: Advocate for your needs by getting some time on your boss’s cal to have a conversation about your issues, frustrations, and worries. Then, work together to find a resolution. 

When you have that chat, be direct and clear about what’s not working. From there, you can offer up some solutions and ask your manager if they can help come up with other strategies that could make sense. 

That might sound like, “While I appreciate your feedback on my work, I often feel disheartened when I don’t receive positive encouragement in addition to constructive criticism. Is it possible for us to have regular check-ins where we discuss what’s going well in addition to what could be improved?” 

Approaching your manager in this direct yet respectful way can give you more agency, Dr. Strongin says. It might even be more satisfying than passive aggressively not giving a fuck. 

3. Could this affect your coworkers?

Unfortunately, putting your work pals in a position to pick up the slack as you disengage could alter those relationships, making your job even more uncomfortable. That’s definitely not ideal if these people have become your IRL friends or you care about them even a little bit. Who needs more work drama?

While you shouldn’t martyr yourself for the sake of your team, you can use them as a resource or sounding board for whatever you’re going through, says Dr. Horsham-Brathwaite. They can help you brainstorm solutions, finesse that conversation with management, or be there for you when you need to vent. They can even help you keep an eye out for a new job or provide a connection. 

In the end, you’ll likely benefit more from the social support your coworkers provide than an assist with the workload as you do the bare minimum, just sayin’.

4. Can you do less without giving up?

There’s a big difference between silently bailing on your job and setting boundaries that prioritize your emotional health. The latter looks more like building in breaks to fuel the time you’re at work—not doing the minimum to symbolically flip off your company (even if they deserve it).

For example, you could decline taking on projects outside of your job description while making the occasional exception when you’re feeling generous—exception is the key word here, BTW. Or maybe you stop working late while still performing at your highest-level when you are on the job. You could even try asking your boss about more WFH days per week. Whatever makes the most sense for you, Dr. Horsham-Brathwaite says the goal is to get enough space from your job to enable you to perform well when you’re there.

If your career has become your whole identity up to this point, better boundaries can also look like investing less emotional energy into your job. The problem with defining yourself by your office role or industry is that you miss out on exploring the other parts of who you are, especially if you spend all of your free time working or doing work-adjacent activities, says Dr. Horsham-Brathwaite. 

When you’re struggling to pull back, finding a therapist can help you suss out what a healthy relationship to work looks like for you, she adds. That can dramatically change how you feel during the workday. 

5. Can you actually quit right now?

If you’ve done all that and still feel like you could not give less effs about these responsibilities, it might be time to see yourself out and quit your job. “People naturally want to contribute [at work],” says Dr. Horsham-Brathwaite. “So if you’re going against that instinct, it leaves you kind of stuck.”  It’s also doing your mental health a disservice. Sometimes we’re just not that into the job or the job is not the right fit for us. Either way, it’s OK to leave and find something that motivates you to show up as your best self more often than not.

The post 5 Things to Consider Before Quiet Quitting Your Job appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 03.29.23

The Spotlight Effect Is the Reason You Feel Like Everyone Is Judging You

This message is brought to you by the coffee stains on your sleeves. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

Are you ready to have your mind blown? Excellent. Because a little research-backed psychological phenomenon called the spotlight effect is about to make you rethink all of those moments you felt too seen. When you went a solid eight hours with something in your teeth. Every time you said “a great assault” when you meant “a grain of salt.” Even that time you said your new boss’s name wrong. 

Turns out, it’s very unlikely people noticed. And if they did, they probably thought about it significantly less than you did once you realized your mistake. If this feels very hard to process, that makes sense. The spotlight effect basically makes anyone who experiences it overestimate how much other people notice things about them—as if they’re standing in a literal spotlight. 

What is the spotlight effect?

Coined by psychologists in 2000, the spotlight effect was born out of a series of studies confirming its existence. In one part of the research, a student was asked to wear an “embarrassing” t-shirt (featuring Barry Manilow, FWIW) and then estimate how many people noticed. The result: The student overestimated how many people paid attention to them or the shirt. Sure, that seems very specific, but additional studies demonstrated that most participants assumed people paid way more attention to their awkward moment than they really did.   

But just how much you overestimate people judging can vary. Like most things, the spotlight effect manifests on a spectrum. On one end of that, the fear of being embarrassed in public can lead to debilitating agoraphobia, or the inability to leave the house, says Erica Richards, MD, PhD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medicine. On the other end, it might keep you from speaking with your coworkers, visiting friends, attending important events, or just otherwise enjoying your life. 

Why does this happen?

As it turns out, you might be able to thank main character energy for this issue. “The spotlight effect happens because we’re all conditioned to be slightly more focused on our own experience,” says psychiatrist Nina Vasan, MD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine and chief medical officer at Real. That basically makes us assume that people give way more effs about the state of our hair or the things that come out of our mouths than they really do. 

Who does this happen to?

Maybe it’s not that surprising, but the spotlight effect is more likely to happen when you are literally in the spotlight, says Dr. Vasan. So if you’re giving a presentation at work or school or toasting your bestie at their birthday dinner, you might feel like every move you make is on blast. “This might happen because you do have more attention directed at you and thus are overanalyzing how a specific scenario went.” And yet! If you do mess up, it’s still super unlikely anyone cares or is judging you as much as you assume they are. 

While pretty much everyone can experience this, if you deal with social anxiety, or the persistent fear of being judged by others, the spotlight effect can feel particularly intense since you likely already assume everything you do is scrutinized, says psychiatrist Aeva Gaymon-Doomes, MD. If that’s the case for you, you might find yourself in a cycle of negative self-talk and avoiding people. That could look like doing things you think will shift attention away from you like avoiding eye contact or speaking really quietly, she explains. 

How to make the spotlight effect feel less spotlight-y.

1. Remind yourself that this is a thing.

Not to oversimplify the issue, but bringing awareness to the idea that people probably care a lot less about the things you do or say than you assume is really the first step in overcoming the spotlight effect. So if you find yourself constantly ruminating over social interactions, tending to overemphasize your perceived missteps, and assuming that others see that you’ve done something awkward, remind yourself that this phenomenon is probably at play.

2. Think about how you’d respond if this thing happened to someone else.

If you find yourself in the middle of a social spiral, try shifting your perspective, suggests Dr. Vasan. Say you feel like you didn’t come across that great in that work meeting you just got out of. Think about how you’d react if someone on your team did or said the exact thing you did. “Most likely, you wouldn’t think twice about it,” she explains. Even if you’re certain you’d cringe, you probably wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they’re a terrible, irredeemable human who you’d never speak to again. (Though, if that is really the case, maybe think about whether you might owe someone an apology.) Ultimately, people are usually way too caught up in their own lives to care much. 

3. Get an assist from a therapist.

If you find that the spotlight effect is showing up way more often than you’d like, it could be worth reaching out to a mental health provider who can help you figure out why that is and how you can manage it. That’s especially true if you think you might be dealing with social anxiety. Oftentimes, therapists will use a modality like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat social anxiety and the cognitive distortion that comes with the spotlight effect, Dr. Gaymon-Doomes explains. This type of therapy can help you challenge negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts head-on. Plus, you’ll learn how to recognize and reframe the mean things that voice in your head chimes in with. Overall, you’ll develop a more realistic way of seeing yourself and how you come across in social interactions, she adds. Who couldn’t use more of that?

The post The Spotlight Effect Is the Reason You Feel Like Everyone Is Judging You appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.27.23

6 Ways to Deal With Social Anxiety When It Strikes

No more panic at this disco. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

If the words “social anxiety” make you shudder, you probably know those familiar unsettling sensations that creep up when you’re just trying to be a normal person. One moment, you’re making small talk at the office, but seconds later your face is hot, your heart is pounding, and that inner critic in your head is analyzing every word out of your mouth or what your hands and face are doing—or literally all of that. Cue you Googling: How to deal with social anxiety.

Sure, it’s normal to have some initial butterflies before a first date, while presenting a big work proposal, or going to a party where you don’t know anyone. That’s just your mind’s way of saying, Hey, something important is going down. But “social anxiety is the fear of being judged negatively, rejected, or embarrassed in front of others,” says clinical psychologist Katie Fracalanza, PhD, a clinical associate professor at Stanford University. 

Though lots of people can experience this fear from time to time, social anxiety becomes social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia) when you actively avoid the things that trigger it, like meeting new people, attending events, or speaking up at work. And when you can’t see yourself out of those situations, the stress becomes overwhelming and all-consuming, making it super hard to function normally in relationships, go after your career goals, or just live your life, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). If that’s consistently been a thing for you for at least six months, you could have social anxiety disorder, per the DSM-5-TR. (JFYI, social anxiety can also be a symptom of mental health conditions like panic disorder and body dysmorphic disorder.) 

Of course, not everyone who deals with social anxiety meets the criteria for a mental health condition. So whether your social anxiety is legit ruining your life or just making you sweaty and nervous around people way more often than you’d like, it’s a frustrating thing to manage. But it is manageable. The first step is acknowledging that you are not the only person who feels like an alien in social settings. Social anxiety disorder is an extremely common mental health issue affecting roughly 7% of U.S. adults every year, per the DSM-5-TR—and that’s only counting the people who meet the diagnostic criteria. Our guess is that loads more people deal with social anxiety on any given Saturday. 

Like most forms of anxiety, Dr. Fracalanza says, researchers believe that both genetics and environment play a role in social anxiety. So maybe you have a personal or family history of other anxiety issues or maybe you had some nasty experiences (like bullying) growing up that influenced how you show up around other people. Or maybe you’ve got some combo of both.  

Regardless of the cause, you’ve probably noticed that social anxiety can make it harder to function anytime you feel like attention is focused on you, explains psychiatrist Nina Vasan, MD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and chief medical officer at Real. Social anxiety can manifest emotionally, physically, and behaviorally. Of course, this can look different for everyone, but you might experience everything from a fast heartbeat and trouble catching your breath to worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself. You might even have social anxiety after a social interaction, like overanalyzing everything you said or did and picking apart all the ways you feel like you sucked. (Hangxiety havers probably understand that last symptom all too well.) 

The maybe? good? news? is that even if you get the sense that your feels are written all over your face, it’s often hard to tell when someone’s experiencing social anxiety. “Some people may appear to be fearful around others, looking down often, slouching, and not talking much,” Dr. Fracalanza adds. “Others may look like the life of the party—trying really hard to be perfect socially to ensure they are not rejected.” Yeah, it’s a mixed bag.

Logically, you may know that there’s no rational threat or real reason for you to feel so anxious in these circumstances but still feel you can’t do much to overcome it, says Dr. Fracalanza. But that’s definitely not the case. Here, we asked experts how you can soothe the social anxiety beast when it creeps up, so you can have some damn fun already. Behold. 

1. Do the things that feel scary.

Small experimental encounters in which you challenge yourself to do the opposite of what your social anxiety is telling you to do is a big part of the way therapists treat clients with social anxiety, says Dr. Fracalanza. You can try this yourself by writing up a hierarchy of social situations that give you anxiety from least to most scary, and then attempt to do them, working from the bottom of the list to the top. 

Maybe you start by asking a friend to go with you to an event where you don’t know anyone else. “This will help you engage with someone you’re comfortable with in a context that might otherwise cause anxiety,” says Dr. Vasan.

This can also take the form of arriving to work meetings or social events early so you can meet people one-on-one as they arrive, which can reduce the anxiety of walking into a large room full of people already gathered. Ultimately this type of exposure to your feared situation shows you that “your anxiety can only go so high, and then it comes down,” says Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD, director of Kent State University’s program for research on anxiety disorders among African Americans and author of Soothe Your Nerves. 

2. Fact-check your anxious thoughts before you go out.

The mean things your social anxiety tells you about yourself usually aren’t true. They’re also typically centered on how likely it is that you’ll be rejected or criticized, which isn’t ideal when you’re just trying to meet some new friends or get through your weekly work meeting. 

As these thoughts pop up, try reframing them as guesses rather than 100% truths, Dr. Fracalanza suggests. One way to do this is by questioning whether there’s any evidence of those fears or ideas being real. “Getting factual is a great way to combat socially anxious thinking,” she says. 

So when thoughts like, Everyone at this party is going to think I’m so awkward and weird, pop up in your brain, ask yourself, What proof do I have that this is actually going to happen? You can also ask, What evidence do I have that this won’t happen?  

You’ll probably find that there’s no way of knowing what people will think of you and that most of your friends actually think you’re pretty awesome, so why would this group of humans think otherwise? 

3. Take a timeout to breathe.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, hitting pause to do a little diaphragmatic breathing can help bring your emotions back to baseline, says Dr. Vasan. “[This] creates a strong physical sensation that helps those having physical manifestations of anxiety,” says Dr. Vasan. Plus research in the journal Frontiers in Psychology suggests this type of breathing might help healthy adults focus, improve their mood, and lower their levels of the stress hormone cortisol. All of which are super helpful when you have to hold a conversation or get your ideas across in a clear way.

As soon as you feel your anxiety meter rising, like before you head to work on presentation day or even in the middle of an event, stop and take a few deep breaths to help you de-escalate, says Dr. Vasan. If you’re at home, the ideal way to do this is to lay face up with your knees bent and your head supported on the floor. Put one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage before breathing in slowly through your nose to inflate your belly and exhaling through pursed lips. Do a few rounds of this until you feel more grounded.

Obviously, lying on the ground in the middle of a party is not the move. But if you head outside or pop into a bathroom stall, you can get the same benefits by doing this exercise sitting or standing. Plus, just the act of taking a break can help you feel less frazzled.

4. Get hyped up on yourself.

As we’ve established, the rude things social anxiety tells you about yourself are almost never true. And while acknowledging that is a great first step, counteracting mean thoughts with positive ones, aka affirmations, can support your self-esteem and self-confidence even more.

So the next time you’re about to do something that you know will trigger your social anxiety, designate time to pep talk the shit out of yourself. Whether it’s making a doctor’s appointment over the phone (ugh) or meeting your best friend’s other friends, remind yourself out loud or internally that you’re freaking awesome. Or, more specifically, Dr. Vasan suggests:

• I am different and unique, and that’s OK.
• I am safe in the company of others.
• People like me, want to meet me, and want me in their lives.
• I am worthy of respect, friendship, and love.

Dr. Vasan is also a fan of the “I am” app, which she says has a large database of various affirmations that pop up in your notifications as a reminder of how cool you are. 

5. Check in with yourself post-event.

Maybe this doesn’t come as a surprise, but people with social anxiety also tend to have a very harsh critic living rent-free in their brains. “With you being so hard on yourself, it’s no wonder you assume others will also be very judgmental of you,” says Dr. Fracalanza. 

So getting into the habit of having a gentler, more constructive conversation with yourself after a triggering event occurs can teach you to speak to yourself in a more positive way. Instead of thinking, Wow, I can’t believe I couldn’t remember the word cryptocurrency AND I turned red when it happened. Why am I so awkward?! You could ask yourself what went well and what might be helpful to remember for next time. It might also help to remind yourself that perfection doesn’t exist, and the things that you think made you look stupid could actually be endearing and make people like you more. 

This takes some practice, so be patient with yourself as you begin this self-compassion journey.

6. Consider trying therapy—if you’re not already doing that.

What makes social anxiety such an issue is not just that it can be persistent and debilitating, but “if left untreated, social anxiety disorder can contribute to low self-esteem, negative self-talk, isolation, and poor social skills,” explains Dr. Vasan. Translation: Getting help for social anxiety now can help future you live their best life. 

And while breathing exercises, positive self-talk, and observing those negative thoughts can be super helpful for managing your symptoms, working with a therapist to get to the root of the issue might help you overcome it all together and prevent other mental health issues from popping up too. So, if you can make it work with your time and budget, it’s worth giving it a shot.

The post 6 Ways to Deal With Social Anxiety When It Strikes appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.08.23

14 Mental Health Resources for the Black Community

If you are in need of support, this list can help. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

Life can be tough. From family pressures to job woes to relationship struggles, there are so many things that can wreak havoc on your mental health—and the Black community can be especially vulnerable. “If you are a Black descendent of the trans-Atlantic slave trade, you have trauma passed down through your bloodline,” says licensed clinical social worker Tashia P. Chambers, LCSW. And even if you’re not, there are various forms and degrees of systemic racism impacting the Black community in the present day, she adds.

Another unfortunate factor: The stigma around seeking mental health help within the Black community has become one of the “biggest barriers to our healing,” says Chambers. That, along with a lack of access to culturally competent and responsive care and resources, can make getting the care you need really difficult.

And while it’s not up to you to take on the systems that created these mental health obstacles, there are groups out there that can help if you need an assist. Here, we’ve put together a list of valuable resources that members of the Black community can turn to for support in managing their well-being. 

So whether you need help finding a mental health practitioner, funds to pay for care, or educational tools you can use to boost your mental fitness, we hope this is a solid place to start.

1. Alkeme

Founded by former NFL player Ryan Mundy, this digital platform uses a combination of free and low-cost resources (including guided meditations, therapy modules, live therapy discussions, and short-term support) to center Black users and empower them with strategies to help better their well-being.

2. Boris Lawrence Henson Foundation 

This nonprofit (founded by actress Taraji P. Henson and named after her father) offers up to five free sessions of mental health support from licensed pros (applications are currently closed, but check back!). Plus, you’ll find a directory of mental health providers and programs near you serving the Black community. 

3. Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective (BEAM)

Finding a therapist you mesh with can be draining. Add in securing one who is culturally competent and the pool gets even smaller for Black people, especially considering that only 5% of psychologists in the U.S. are Black, according to a 2019 report from the American Psychological Association. The BEAM online directory of Black therapists can help! You’ll also find Black yoga teachers, doulas, mediators, and support groups serving the Black community. 

4. Black Female Therapists

Check out this community’s free directory of therapists that you can filter by location, specialty, payment flexibility (who doesn’t love a sliding scale?!), and more. If you’re looking for more of a community, sign up and pay for their daily text affirmations and recordings of live weekly classes.

5. BlackLine

This organization consists of volunteers that act as an anonymous and confidential listening ear to provide immediate crisis counseling for Black, Black LGBTQ+, Brown, Native, and Muslim community members who have experienced trauma at the hands of police, law enforcement, and vigilantes. 

6. Black Men Heal 

This nonprofit offers a three-prong approach to mental health care for those living in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Delaware, New York City, Maryland, Washington D.C., Virginia, and Georgia: group and individual therapy (they can cover up to eight free sessions at $100 each), education, and resources. 

7. DRK Beauty Healing

This organization has a directory of 130 licensed mental health pros ready to work with Black, Latinx, Indigenous, South Asian, East Asian women and non-binary people of color. Many of those mental health pros offer free and subsidized talk therapy for potential clients (just follow the steps at the bottom of this page). 

8. InnoPsych, Inc.

Offering a comprehensive national database of therapists of color, this platform lets users filter results based on location, type of service, ethnicity, insurance, and specialized areas of mental health care. 

9. The Loveland Foundation 

This organization provides vouchers to women and girls for up to 12 sessions of therapy from mental health pros listed in directories like Therapy for Black Girls, National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network, Talkspace, and Open Path Collective. If you qualify, fill out this form to get started.

10. The Mental Health Fund by the National Queer & Trans Therapists of Color Network 

For queer and trans BIPOC looking to shore up their mental health through therapy, this health fund subsidizes up to eight sessions with a psychotherapist. One hitch: There’s an application process—and it opens on March 1, 2023.

11. Therapy for Black Girls 

This space, founded by psychologist Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, has a super helpful directory of culturally responsive mental health practitioners ready to work with Black women and girls. Just enter your address, your health insurance (if you have it), and what you’d like help with.

12. Therapy for Black Men

With a growing directory of more than 500 therapists, this digital platform aims to make therapy more accessible for Black men through culturally competent care.

13. The Steve Fund

In a world where text messaging is the go-to form of communication for the youth, this organization uses texts (Simply text “STEVE” to 741741) as a way to offer people of color 24/7 access to trained crisis counselors. Multicultural mental health experts are also on hand for colleges and nonprofits via on-campus and on-site programs and services.

14. Rest for Resistance

This organization provides self-care workshops, like meditation, breathwork, and stretching, as well as emotional support to LGBTQ+ people of color.

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