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5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues

Whether the criticism is coming from yourself or a judgey relative, here’s how to help silence them. ByAnna Borges

As a person with a history of body image issues, I always brace for the usual suspects when looking at old holiday pictures—judgmental thoughts about my appearance, embarrassment about how I looked compared to others, and maybe even some frustration over how much my body has changed since then. But the main thing I feel? Bummed. Because…well, I’m not in that many photos at all. And despite all my past fears that Future Me would cringe at the snapshots later, it turns out my biggest regret isn’t about how I looked—it’s about the memories I missed out on making because I was so caught up in self-criticism.

I’m sure I’m not the only one whose festivities are regularly weighed down by discomfort and insecurity. “We live in a world with so much shame, and that does not stop over the holidays,” says Ally Duvall, senior program development lead at Equip and self-proclaimed fat activist. If anything, she notes, it often ramps way up—whether it’s your mom commenting on your weight, a guest saying how “bad” they’re being as they get a slice of pie, or your own inner monologue critiquing how you measure up to last year’s resolutions. And don’t even get us started on all that unhelpful “New Year, New Me” messaging. 

To help you navigate this season’s many body image traps, we asked experts to share some reminders that can ground you, push back against the noise, or simply give you permission to feel however you feel. Of course, like our bodies themselves, the exact message we need to hear will be unique to each of us. So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and—most importantly—remember that you (and your body) deserve kindness all year round.

1. Your appearance is not the most interesting thing about you.

The way you look might feel like the center of attention during the holidays, when family photos, social media posts, and unsolicited comments about appearances seem to be everywhere. But the truth is, what you see in the mirror says so little about who you are or the impact you have on the people around you.

“If you asked the people you love to name ten things they value about you, I can almost guarantee your body wouldn’t make the list,” Duvall says. “So why is it taking up so much space on yours? There’s so much more to who you are—you’re a complex, unique, and wonderful being.” 

When you catch yourself giving your appearance #1 billing in your mind, Duvall recommends interrupting the spiral out loud—say, by listing other things you love about yourself. But no need to whip out positive affirmations if they feel unnatural. Neutral statements—like, My body is the least interesting thing about me—work just as well, she says. 

2. You—and your body—have unique needs.

Holiday gatherings are rife with opportunities for comparison: how much others are eating, what they’re wearing, how effortlessly they seem to embody holiday cheer. “First, don’t blame yourself—a lot of comparisons happen automatically,” says Brittney Lauro, LCSW, lead therapist and clinical supervisor at Equip. 

That said, you don’t want to take comparisons at face value. For one, we rarely have enough information to draw meaningful conclusions in the first place. “At the end of the day, we’re only around people for a snapshot of their day,” Lauro explains. “We don’t know their full story, just like they don’t know ours.” For example, you might find yourself feeling self-conscious after noticing someone’s half-filled plate—but maybe they ate before coming, don’t like the food, or have their own dietary restrictions or relationship with eating that you’re not privy to.

Instead of fixating on what others are doing, remind yourself that your needs are valid and unique. “It’s wonderful that you’re eating more or differently than others because those are your needs in the moment,” Lauro says. And it’s not just about physical nourishment—enjoying “fun” foods can meet emotional needs, too, she adds, which helps you connect with the experience and savor the holiday. The same goes for stepping away from the action, choosing an outfit that feels comfortable, or sitting far away from your judgey Aunt Karen.

3. There’s no right way to respond to inappropriate comments.

Unfortunately, body image conversations don’t just live in your head—sometimes they come from those around you. From backhanded compliments to unsolicited advice, you might find yourself stuck in a conversation wondering WTF to say. The good news? There are many different ways to respond, and you can choose whatever feels right to you. “It all depends on context, like your relationship with the person, your comfort level with certain topics, and what you want to get into in that moment,” Duvall says. 

Generally, though, Lauro and Duvall both recommend having a few phrases up your sleeve—and practicing them ahead of time. These could include setting a firm boundary (“Let’s not talk about my appearance”), redirecting the conversation (“I think what you mean is you’re happy to see me—how’s work going?”), or even calling the comment out and starting a dialogue (“I’m curious why you feel the need to comment on other people’s bodies.”). Or you might prep a plan of action instead of a script…like how you’ll excuse yourself if the conversation gets too overwhelming. 

4. You don’t need to “earn” your food—or anything else you want.

The holidays are prime time for the idea that enjoyment has to come with conditions—especially when it comes to food. Whether it’s skipping meals to “save” calories, getting pressured into doing a holiday 5K before the festivities begin, or saying, “I’ll need to work this off later,” the message that you need to balance indulgence with restriction is everywhere. And it doesn’t stop at food. This mindset can creep into other areas too, like telling yourself you can only wear a special outfit, pose in pics, or participate in a tradition if you hit a certain goal.

So, in case you need to hear it, “you absolutely deserve to eat and enjoy your food—and every other part of the holiday,” says Lauro. What’s more, the rules and bargains you make with yourself can backfire. “If we’re entering the holiday with a scarcity mindset, we’re actually setting ourselves up to feel more out of control when we have access to the things we’re avoiding,” she explains. In other words, instead of freeing you to enjoy the day “without guilt,” you’ll probably wind up even more preoccupied with food or your body.

5. You can ditch old traditions that no longer serve you. 

Let’s be real: Too many holiday traditions revolve around food, family gatherings, and other elements that can feel overwhelming or stressful if you’re struggling with your body image or relationship with eating. While it’s OK to hope for a time when you feel more at ease with these traditions, it’s just as valid to acknowledge that you might not be there yet—and to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, Lauro says.

Instead of forcing yourself to participate in traditions that feel uncomfortable, Lauro and Duvall recommend giving yourself permission to create new ones that bring you peace, joy, comfort, or whatever else you need this year. You might start a holiday movie marathon, host a cozy crafting night with friends, or volunteer at a local organization to connect with your community.

Whatever you decide—or whatever the season has in store for you anyway—one last reminder: You got this. “You’ve already made it through so many hard things, and you’ll make it through the holidays too,” Duvall says.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, visit equip.health for more information on eating disorders and their virtual treatment.

The post 5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.23.24

What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself

You probably aren’t a garbage human! BySam Brodsky

If you often find yourself thinking, Ugh, I hate myself, when shit goes wrong, then you get it. 

Self-hatred is a tough mental state to exist in. Oftentimes, it shows up as an intense inner dislike, feelings of shame, negative thoughts (I hate myself  or I’m not good enough), low self-worth, and isolation, says therapist Emily Myhre, LCSW. And for some people, that self-hate mindset can be hard to shake, Myhre explains.  

While lots of circumstances can lead to self-hatred (also called self-loathing), people who hate themselves generally believe that something is wrong with them, says therapist Allyson Sproul, LCSW, CAADC. 

Sometimes that belief stems from adversity we faced growing up (see: bullying, harsh parenting, racism, etc.), Sproul says. When we can’t explain why bad things or traumas happened to us, we often blame ourselves. That can feed into self-loathing too, Myhre says. As we get older, if we feel like we’re not living up to a certain standard, we can feel bad about who we are. Over time, those thoughts and feelings can lead to self-hatred, Sproul explains. 

Regardless of your upbringing or past experiences, self-hatred can be more common in those dealing with mental health concerns like depression, addiction, or body dysmorphia, says Sproul. 

However you got here, being stuck in this cycle can feel pretty hopeless, but you can work toward a healthier sense of self over time by addressing the symptoms that fuel self-loathing. That progress won’t be quick, since you’re likely undoing decades of negative thought patterns, says Myhre. Still, every small step will get you closer to where you want to be and further from where you are now. Below, therapists explain exactly how to do that. 

1. Find the origins of your negative self-talk. 

Finding out where your self-hatred comes from can help you actually do something about it. Myhre suggests getting to the root cause by asking yourself: When I talk down to myself, whose voice does it sound like? Is it my parents’ or random trolls’ online? Is it a new voice or an old voice?  When you know where that voice is coming from, it gets a little easier to counteract it.

2. Reframe your thoughts.

Like we said, negative thoughts about ourselves stoke self-hatred. So, by trying to make these thoughts more neutral, we can lower the volume on the hate, says Sproul. Take an idea like, I can’t do anything right. You can reframe it as something like, I’m human, and not everything I do is perfect. It’s not super positive, but it’s a more realistic take on whatever went wrong. Ditto for tweaking, Why does everyone hate me? to something more realistic like, I’m not for everyone, just like not everyone is for me. You’ll probably find that neutrality is easier for a self-hating brain to believe than a positive affirmation like, I’m the best!!!!, says Myhre. It’s not as big of a jump.

You can also try editing your rude self-talk to be less blame-y, suggests Sproul. So that might look like, That didn’t go well, instead of, That didn’t go well because I’m an idiot. Again, that reframe isn’t optimistic, but it also doesn’t belittle you for existing. Baby steps.

3. Put your thoughts on trial.   

Another way to lessen the impact of self-deprecating thoughts is to challenge them. A lot of the time our negative internal dialogue is irrational, meaning there’s no actual evidence to support the rude things we’re saying. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop us from believing them anyway, says Myhre. However, when you make an effort to disprove those thoughts, it’s easier to see them as distorted and untrue.

Say you’re thinking, I fail no matter what I do. Ask yourself if that’s definitely the case. Was there ever a time you didn’t  fail, even if you weren’t totally successful? If nothing comes to mind, ask people you trust for their perspective, suggests Myhre. You can text them something like, “I’m in a bad headspace and thinking all I do is fail. Heeelp! Do you remember a time when I actually didn’t fuck up?” Spoiler: They do.

4. Practice gratitude.

By making an effort to notice what you’re grateful for, you’re training your brain to think more positively. And the more you practice finding the good in what’s around you, the easier it is to identify goodness in yourself, Myhre explains. (Also, it helps that gratitude is shown to boost your overall mood, she adds.) 

So, set a reminder to think about a few things you’re grateful for (even if it’s your halfway-decent cup of coffee), Myhre says. Keep doing that until it becomes easier for you to notice nice things unprompted. That’ll help you start to recognize the positive things about yourself.

5. Consider what’s actually in your control.

When you’re in a self-hate cycle, blaming yourself for everything can become a habit—even if you did nothing wrong, notes Myhre. So when you’re in the thick of that, try to objectively analyze the entire story or problem and see how much is really your fault. 

The next time you start to beat yourself up for your boss’s passive-aggressive comment—because you suck, so obviously  you did something wrong—try this out: Open a Google doc or use a pen and paper to write the story from beginning to end. Then, review it and get really skeptical about how much you contributed to the problem. Don’t be surprised if you find that you’re not  the only one to blame, Myhre says. 

6. Tap into your confidence.

As we’ve said, when you hate yourself, you think negatively about You. But doing something you’re good at helps you switch into a more positive frame of mind (without having to be all “I love myself” in the mirror). You feel confident, in control, and maybe even a little happy, Sproul says. 

To get out of self-hate mode, break out a puzzle you know you’ll crush, cook a recipe you always nail, or make a playlist your friend will love. Whatever activity feels like an easy target is fair game.

7. Own up to your mistakes.

Guilt is definitely appropriate when you’ve effed up, but self-hatred can make you hold onto that feeling and ruminate about being a horrible person. In that case, forgiving yourself and making amends can help you release the shame a bit, says Myhre. That’s because owning up to your mistakes proves that you’re worthy of forgiveness and you can learn from your mistakes. “Self-hatred hates that because it wants to keep you [feeling horrible],” Myhre says.

Of course, forgiving yourself isn’t easy when you feel like an awful person. So try some self-compassion by reminding yourself that humans make mistakes, says Myhre. You can also ask yourself, If someone else did the exact thing I did, would I treat them this way?  (Probably not.) Then, say or text an apology to whomever needs to hear it and commit to showing  them you’re sorry by changing how you act, Myhre adds.

8. Examine your coping skills.

Sometimes people dealing with self-hate turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like self-harm, overspending, or substance use) as a form of punishment or because those things feel good in the moment, Myhre and Sproul say. Unfortunately, those behaviors usually cause more shame, which leads to more  self-hatred, they note. Finding positive ways to cope (like going for a walk, taking a soothing shower, talking to someone, or letting yourself feel your feelings) can break that cycle. If you’re having a hard time shifting your coping skills on your own, a therapist can help you figure out why and can support you as you make changes, says Sproul.

9. Seek help.

Depending on what your self-hatred stems from, you might want to look for a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy, body image issues, substance use, or family and relationships. Once you land on a therapist, they can “help you understand how you’re thinking, how you’re behaving, and the impact that has on your life,” says Myhre. “There’s nothing you can’t say to us, truthfully, that we haven’t heard, or, even if we haven’t heard it, we’re never going to judge you for it.”

The post What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.17.24

7 Ways to Get Out of Your Head During Sex

Am I doing this right? Did I turn on the dryer? BySam Brodsky

You may have noticed that your mind can do some rude things during sex. Even if you aren’t worried about your work email, chores, or other stressors, you could get in your head about the act itself: Do I look weird right now? Are they having a good time? 

And, obviously, being preoccupied with your thoughts can make it hard for you to connect with others, be fully present with the physical stuff, and have fun, says certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST. Over time, that can tank your mood and self-esteem, she adds.

Heads up: Getting stuck in your head during sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, says certified sex therapist Jennifer Wiessner, LCSW, CST. Because most of us are stressed, spend tons of time ruminating about the past or thinking about the future, and don’t know how to relax, literally anyone can experience this, Francis explains. There’s so much stress in day-to-day life that we may only notice the mental load we’re carrying as soon as we slow down to enjoy ourselves, Francis says. That’s why your sex life may be the place these thoughts or stressors bubble up, she adds.

Aside from busy schedules and general stress, certain mental health concerns or conditions can also set you up for this annoying phenomenon (which might then snowball into sexual dysfunction). Wiessner says that, in her experience, people who are insecure about their bodies, have ADHD, or feel anxious a lot can have trouble getting out of their heads.

If you want to get more present and manage your overthinking brain during sex, we asked experts for their tips to do exactly that.

1. Make a mental note of what feels good.

Refocusing your attention on pleasure itself can disrupt the inner dialogue happening in your mind, says Francis. More specifically, grounding yourself in what feels, smells, sounds, looks, or tastes nice (your partner’s shampoo, the texture of your sheets) brings you back to the present moment and away from your annoying thoughts, she explains. 

While that’s a great hack to use in the moment, it can be more effective on demand if you practice outside of the bedroom, says Francis. So, as you’re going about your day, pay extra attention to the things that make you feel good, she says. Does the couch you’re sitting on feel pillowy? Do you love the song that’s playing in the background? Whatever it is, sit with those good vibes and bring your attention back to them when you get distracted by something else. This little habit expands our capacity to notice and focus on pleasure, Francis says.

2. Consider this the next thing on your to-do list.

It can be hard to focus fully on pleasure when you feel like your calendar is overflowing with other responsibilities. So give yourself time to knock out a few to-dos before sex to help clear your head, says Francis. Send that email, run that errand, make that grocery list, send that calendar invite, then make intimacy the most important thing on your agenda. The rest can wait. 

Sure, for some of us, that’s easier said than done. But try to remind yourself that there will always  be something else to worry about. For now, you deserve to put pleasure first, says Francis.

3. In fact, literally block off time. 

Having a dedicated time slot for intimacy makes space in your mind for connection and distinguishes it from other stuff on your calendar, says Francis. Maybe it’s not the sexiest thing ever, but popping sex on the cal like anything else you need to prioritize can help you look forward to and focus on the ~task~ at hand. “When we protect time for things, we can prepare our minds, energy, and spaces for the kind of experience we want to have,” she explains. That can help us feel less rushed and distracted. 

4. Transition into relaxation mode.

If you don’t give yourself a transitional period to move into a chill mindset, it can be hard to get out of a productivity-over-everything perspective, notes Wiessner. Cue you still thinking about work stuff when you’re trying to do sexy stuff.

While any transitional activity that slows you down (like taking a hot bath, moving your body, or just watching TV) can work, Wiessner suggests this grounding exercise to mellow out before getting intimate:

• For 15 slow breaths, imagine that each inhale you take is going to the places within your body that feel most tense. Imagine that tension releasing when you exhale.
• For 10 more slow breaths, notice what you smell, taste, see, feel, or hear. 
• Finally, take 5 slow breaths while thinking about the enjoyable parts of sex: the pleasure, the person you’re with, etc.

5. Get comfortable.

Anxiety can impact your entire body—your heart might start beating fast, and you might feel restless, lightheaded, and (of course) distracted, says Francis. None of those things are very fun during sex. But prioritizing comfort when anxiety creeps in can squash those physical symptoms and the mental fog, she explains. 

By creating an environment that encourages you to focus on pleasurable sensations, you’ll feel more in control of your experience and better in general. “Positive sensations trigger the release of feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” says Francis. “These hormones enhance mood and reduce stress, making it easier to stay present for pleasure.”

So, if you’re stressing about how you look, ask to change things up, says Francis. If it’s too quiet for you, put on music. Whatever makes you more comfy is fair game. 

6. Forget about the finish.

Unfortunately, a lot of us get anxious about if or when an orgasm will happen. Part of that is because we’re wrapped up in the idea that an orgasm makes sex successful, says Wiessner. And when we’re focused on a particular goal, we miss the present moment, she adds. That can keep you from enjoying all the other great things about being with your partner or partners.

Reframing sex as pleasure-oriented instead of orgasm-oriented is one way to make sure you’re truly focused on enjoying yourself (and each other), regardless of whether or not a specific bodily function occurs, Wiessner explains. Give it a shot!

7. Be kind to yourself. 

If you have a complicated relationship with your body, you might get overwhelmed with thoughts about what you look like while having sex. But replacing negative self-talk with kinder or more realistic thoughts can interrupt those self-critical spirals so you can focus on what really matters (enjoying the experience!), says Francis.

We know self-compassion doesn’t always come naturally, so ease into it by practicing being kind to yourself and your body outside of the bedroom first, Francis says. Look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice or neutral thing about yourself, she suggests. 

Then, when you start thinking unkindly about your body during sex, pick a positive affirmation that’s reassuring. Whether it’s, This is about having fun, not looking perfect, or, I deserve pleasure, encourage yourself to let go of those self-critical thoughts and focus on what’s happening now, Francis says. 

The post 7 Ways to Get Out of Your Head During Sex appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 01.23.24

5 Things People With Body Dysmorphia Want You to Know

Unfortunately, telling them they look awesome doesn’t help. BySam Brodsky

When psychotherapist Chris Trondsen, LMFT, started high school, he got acne. To him, those breakouts looked extremely severe. “I just felt like I was kind of a monster, a beast, my face wasn’t put together correctly,” he explains. In reality, his skin was like most teenagers’ or maybe even clearer. Multiple dermatologists told him his acne was so mild that he wasn’t a candidate for serious acne medication. Years later, he was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, or body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

People with BDD (about 1.9% of adults) literally see themselves differently than others do. When you live with this condition, the reality of what you look like is distorted. 

This mental health condition, which is a type of obsessive-compulsive and related disorder, manifests as intrusive thoughts (called obsessions), per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). Those often all-consuming thoughts can center around things like your skin, body shape, face, hair, or other physical features. You might even spend up to eight hours a day obsessing over these things, according to the DSM-5-TR. Sure, we’ve all had moments where we’re super aware of and insecure about our appearance, but in BDD these obsessive thoughts are focused on perceived flaws that are either barely noticeable or don’t register at all to other people.

To manage or soothe those obsessions, people with BDD do repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that are hard to avoid or feel like the only way to put a pin in those thoughts, according to the DSM-5-TR. That could look like compulsively comparing yourself to others, checking the thing you’re fixated on in the mirror or on your phone, trying to fix or pick at whatever’s bothering you, or repeatedly asking your friends and family for reassurance. 

It doesn’t take a psychologist to see that hyper-fixating on imaginary or exaggerated physical deformities messes with your life. Mak D., 25, says that before she was officially diagnosed with BDD in college, her grades dropped and she started isolating at home. She spent nearly all of her free time staring at her thighs and under eyes in the bathroom, crying over how she looked, and texting her friends about her body. “My mental health felt locked inside that bathroom,” she says.  

Yep, it can be pretty rough. Whether you have BDD or you want to be there for someone who does, we asked people with the condition to shed light on what Trondsen says is a super misunderstood disorder. 

1. It’s not always obvious that someone’s struggling.

People might ask you if their cheekbones or hair look weird, but you can’t always tell when they’re dealing with BDD-related obsessions or compulsions. You might be at the movies with a friend who can’t stop mentally comparing their body to your body the whole time, says Mak D. 

Mak D. also hid a lot of what she was struggling with from people by staying home and telling friends she was sick on the weekends. They’d assume she was studying during lunch when she was actually in front of a big locker room mirror she knew no one would be using.

2. People with body dysmorphia really do see themselves differently. 

Like we mentioned earlier, body dysmorphic disorder is way different than just wanting to look good or disliking some part of your face or body. “We see it as deformed or odd or weird-shaped [when it’s not],” Trondsen says. 

Tammy R., 53, started feeling this uncontrollable need to fix her teeth, nose, and jaw in her late 20s. To her, they were significantly deformed. “Thoughts wake you up in the middle of the night, and you’ve got to go to look at yourself in the mirror. And what you look at in the mirror is just so terrible,” she says. “You’re not seeing anything else about you or anything about who you are. You just see this defect.”   

Stephanie T.*, 33, who got a BDD diagnosis two years ago, says she obsesses over a part of her face that, to her, looks much smaller than it used to because of a medically necessary surgery. “While some people say they see a slight difference, many others say they do not, and no one thinks it’s nearly as bad as I think,” she says.

It would be awesome if you could just snap out of the distorted way you see yourself with BDD, but this obsessive-compulsive kind of mental health condition isn’t easy to shake. “I think people who have never struggled with BDD assume it’s like a light switch you can just turn off,” says Stephanie T. 

There’s no easy fix or moment of clarity though. “This preoccupation with our looks is usually so deeply ingrained in us that it takes a lot of time and self-work to see things differently and obsess less over our so-called flaws,” Stephanie T. adds. “My therapist tells me I always see ‘the part for the whole’ when I look at myself. If one feature isn’t as perfect as I want it to be, it means I’m all bad, I’m worthless.” 

3. Body dysmorphic disorder isn’t an eating disorder.

You might’ve heard that people with eating disorders, like anorexia nervosa, can see themselves as much bigger than they are, but that’s not the same thing as BDD, explains Trondsen.

That misconception could be part of the reason why some of Trondsen’s clients with BDD were first misdiagnosed with an eating disorder. But unlike disorders like anorexia, people with BDD are mainly concerned with the structure of their face or body, says Trondsen. They might think their calves are too small, their hips are too wide, or their features aren’t symmetrical, he explains. 

Though it’s totally fair if you were confused, knowing the difference can help you spot the signs of BDD in people you care about and maybe even help them find some professional support. It can also help you avoid topics that might be triggering for your friend or coworker with BDD. For example, you might steer away from discussing how someone looks (them or anyone else), especially from the neck up, says Trondsen. 

For what it’s worth, you can  be diagnosed with both BDD and an eating disorder—it’s something Trondsen sees in his clients quite a bit. And sometimes people will change how they eat because of BDD. For example, Trondsen says he completely gutted how he ate based on things he read could cause breakouts.

4. Compliments don’t help.

Even though you might have good intentions, telling someone with BDD you don’t see what they see or that they look great doesn’t make much of a difference. “No matter how many people I love and trust reassure me it’s fine, I’m the only person who can really convince myself otherwise,” says Stephanie T., who is working on that in therapy. 

Getting reassurance is also just a temporary fix, says Trondsen. He’d ask his mom if his face looked extra red in certain lighting or if his skin was clear, but her answer was never good enough. He’d feel calm for a little while, then go right back to fixating, he says. Or he’d think that people were only giving him compliments because they saw how bad he looked and felt sorry for him. Trondsen sees this in his clients with BDD too. They’ll think their friends and family are lying to make them feel better, he says. 

Julia, 32, who was diagnosed with BDD during her freshman year of college, says that validating her feelings is more helpful than giving her compliments. You could say something like, “I know you’re having a hard time, and I’m sorry you’re going through it,” and then help them think about non-appearance things they rock at, she suggests. Maybe bring up the good advice they gave you the other day or that you’re jealous of how funny their Instagram captions are. 

5. The physical “flaws” may be unfixable, but there is help for BDD. 

In his clinical experience, Trondsen says people with BDD who seek out surgeries or treatments often think they look worse or become preoccupied with another area of their body afterward. It can be very depressing, he says. 

Working with a mental health professional is what’s actually helpful for people with BDD. “The problem is not in your face. It’s in your mind,” notes Tammy R., who says she was horrified seeing the results of plastic surgery she got years ago. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps challenge beliefs about the body parts people with BDD are obsessing over, Trondsen explains. Therapists can also help them practice doing real-life things without their compulsions. For example, someone who’s convinced they’re balding and wears hats all the time might go to therapy without their head covered, then work up to going to the store hatless, he says. 

“Through CBT, I learned that I am someone that people like and want to be around. … We worked through the shame and guilt I had about my appearance and myself,” Trondsen says. “Recognizing that these feelings were from the disorder, not my organic thoughts, helped me let go of those emotions.”

Along with therapy, SSRI medications can ease anxiety and depression symptoms and also quiet ongoing negative thoughts about the body, says Trondsen. Both therapy and meds helped with Tammy R.’s nonstop intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, and depression she felt because of her BDD. Meditating, journaling, and working out has also helped her. You know…stuff that’s good for your mental health. “It was a lot of self-work, and it continues to be,” she says. 

*Name has been changed.

The post 5 Things People With Body Dysmorphia Want You to Know appeared first on Wondermind.

Highly Recommend Link Copied 01.16.24

12 Products That Can Help You Build A Healthier Body Image

No toxic body talk in sight. ByJessica Schiffer

It’s not exactly easy to feel good about your body in 2024, when pretty much everyone online is filtered and society’s obsession with extreme diets and exercise has been rebranded as good-for-you “wellness.” Outside of throwing our phones into the ocean and moving to a cabin in the woods, it can feel like there’s no way to protect ourselves from all the toxic body chatter.

But the good news is that there are small things you can do each day to tune out the noise and build an appreciation for your body, and they don’t have to involve changing the way you eat or move. From guided journals that will help connect you to the beauty of your body exactly as it is to perspective-shifting books that will change how you see (and talk to) yourself, adding the right products to your toolkit can go a long way in improving your self-image. We rounded up the 12 most impactful, below.

The post 12 Products That Can Help You Build A Healthier Body Image appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.28.23

Jordan Chiles Has No Time for Bully Bots

Plus, the Olympic silver medalist explains how she’s healing from a coach body-shaming her and more. BySam Brodsky

You may know Jordan Chiles from her iconic Normani and Doja Cat or ’90s hip-hop floor routines as a UCLA gymnast or her team silver medal at the Tokyo Olympics. Either way, what’s always set her apart from the competition—especially in such an intense, perfectionistic sport—are her good vibes.

And as she continues to compete in the U.S. and abroad, deferring her UCLA studies to train for the Paris 2024 Olympics next summer, she keeps up the positive energy by reminding herself to strive to be the best version of Jordan Chiles and no one else, she tells Wondermind. 

That best-version-of-herself work is exactly what Chiles is all about lately, making time for her friends and family and prioritizing her mental health along the way. 

Here, Chiles talks about how she deals with online bullies, healing from body-shaming, why she decided to see a sports psychologist, and more. 

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WM: How are you doing lately?

Jordan Chiles: Lately, I’ve been training, doing everything that I can to stay focused, especially knowing that selection camp is coming up for the World Championships and Pan American Games. [Editor’s note: Right after we caught up with Chiles she found out she’ll be going overseas this October to compete in the Pan American Games.] I’ve been able to relax and enjoy the time with family and my little puppers, Chanel and Versace. So I’ve just been really focusing on myself and making sure I’m mentally and physically OK. I’m taking this year and this time to really just do this for myself. … [Ending my second NCAA gymnastics season] with [two national] titles and then going straight into the elite realm, it’s been really cool and really fun.

WM: How do you make sure you’re having fun as you compete?

JC: The fun comes from, I think, just realizing that the sport isn’t something that should stress you out too much. Obviously, it’s hard physically and mentally when you come from college back into elite [competition] since those are two different atmospheres and expectations. 

I really just kind of go out there. I’m not going to take any negative comments or negative energy that’s going to be thrown at me because, at the end of the day, no matter what you do, there’s going to be a comment about it. So I ignore that, and I really enjoy what I’m doing. My sport is fun. My sport is something that not everybody has the ability to do and has the opportunity [to do]. I really take that into consideration, and I make sure I can remember each and every moment that I have and just be the person I am.

It’s really cool to be able to just be myself. That’s where a lot of that fun comes into play. It’s me being who I am and enjoying those moments that I have, especially with the team, the coaches, the other girls. 

WM: Speaking of negative comments, you’ve talked about online bullying in the past. How do you navigate social media without getting too caught up in that negativity? 

JC: I call them bully bots. For me, when I was younger, my mom handled all of that. But now, I kind of just laugh at it. For a while, it was really hard knowing that people did call me names or said I didn’t deserve to do this or [were] looking [at me] differently, but, in my eyes, it always makes me stronger because I like to prove people wrong. It’s cool to know that I’ve been able to progress with the mental part of it. 

Actually, at the National Championships [a few weeks ago], I had to delete Twitter because there were a lot of comments that did hit me that day. Obviously, it is a day-by-day situation, whether you find good things or you find bad things. … But I look at it as: Not everybody has the ability to do what I’m doing, so they want to be involved as much as they can, whether it’s good or bad. … I either challenge people on [their comments] or just let it be. It depends. 

WM: What’s one thing about your mental health that you’re still working on?

JC: I stress a lot, and I don’t know where it comes from. I just had a conversation with my dad the other night, and he was like, “So what’s going on?” And I’m like, “Yeahhh, I don’t know. I’m just stressing. I’m stressed.” And it can come from many different things, whether it’s within my sport, whether it’s business-wise, whether it’s family or friends. I just never know in that moment where it’s coming from, so I kind of shut down, which is not good because then it’s like, how is somebody supposed to help you? That’s something I’ve been trying to work on—trying to speak to somebody to figure out where the stress is coming from. It’s been a work in progress.

WM: Are there other people aside from your parents you talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed?

JC: Sometimes I’ll talk to my dogs—I’m not gonna to lie. I look at them and be like, “So this is what happened.” But, a lot of times, I will talk to friends or my sisters. I’m the youngest of five, so having older siblings is really cool because they’ve gone through a lot of stuff within their lives as well. My nieces sometimes will get on the phone [too, and] they’ll cheer me up.

Honestly, everybody always asks me, “How is it having your family as your support system? I feel like sometimes it can get overwhelming.” And I’m like, “No, not at all.” I’m very family-oriented, so we tell each other a lot of things.

WM: In the past, you’ve opened up about being body-shamed by a former coach. What have you learned as you’ve healed from that? 

JC: I’m going to be very truthful. The healing process took me a while because that’s something, as a little girl, you don’t want to hear. My body-shaming was about me being African American, my skin color, not looking like everybody, and my weight. So I think it took me all the way until I was 19 years old to heal. When it really, really hit me that this lady [was] really coming at me, I was around 14 or 15. So from that time period until I was 19, it was really hard. But at the end of the day, I learned a lot from it.

I learned affirmations to say to myself. I learned to embrace who I was. Sometimes I still get triggered when people say certain things, but then I have to remember it’s OK. … Healing-wise, I want to say I’m at 95%, but I really focused the last few years on making sure [I tell myself], Everything is not always going to be perfect, but you’re going to be perfect within yourself. You’re beautiful. Your body is perfect how it is. 

I always tell myself, I’m Jordan Chiles for a reason, and I’m just going to keep being her as best [I can]. 

WM: Now that you’ve come to this self-acceptance, how would you complete this sentence? Jordan Chiles is ______. 

JC: I would use the word resilient. I think there have been a lot of times when I’ve been shut down so much. [But] now I’ve been able to use my power, and I feel very resilient and [like] I’m allowed to speak.

WM: I know some athletes go to sports psychologists. Have you gone to any in the past?

JC: Yes, I was with a sports psychologist right before the Tokyo Olympics for about four months. She really helped me. A lot of [our sessions were about] my past history with my old coach. At first, I was like, I’m about to tell this lady my whole entire life and I don’t know who she is, but it helped me a lot. It helped me realize I could let go of things, especially my past. Obviously, it’s really hard when you go to somebody and you’re just like, I don’t know how to let go of it. [Everything’s] triggering. But she was able to [help me] not even think about it. 

I really enjoyed it. I do recommend to a lot of people out there, if you do need a sports psychologist or a therapist, do it. … If you feel like [talking to] your family or your friends isn’t working for you, sometimes it’s easier to rant to somebody you don’t know.

WM: Was that the first time you’d ever talked to a mental health professional?

JC: Fully, yes. The very first time [I saw a mental health professional] I was young. My parents realized that I did need help. It was just like, I don’t know what’s going on with my daughter. But for me, it was like, Why do I need help? I don’t even know this person, so I didn’t complete it. … When I was younger, I was like, I feel like [therapy’s] not going to do anything. It’s not going to benefit me in any way, shape, or form. So what’s the point? 

Even before my first session [this time around], there was still a lot of that back and forth [with] myself, wondering if I wanted to walk through the door or not. 

[But] my mom came to me and presented it in a different way. She said that I should look at it as a tool that’s available to help me, just like physical therapy but for my mind. She said if I felt like I didn’t want to set up another meeting after the first [one] that’s fine because it has to be totally my decision. I think I was just ready.

WM: What was the most important lesson that you learned while working with your sports psychologist?

JC: Knowing that there’s always someone that’s going to be right by your side, no matter any circumstance, whether it’s good or bad. You’re always going to have that shoulder to cry on when you need it. And then knowing that there’s always going to be a good lesson [you can] learn from [situations]. Take that part and not so much the negatives.

WM: We’ll end with a cheesy question. If you could rate your mental health right now out of a perfect 10, what score would you give it?

JC: I think I would give myself a 9.975 because there are still little things that I have to fix within myself mentally, and so giving that extra .025 will [get] me that perfect 10. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Jordan Chiles Has No Time for Bully Bots appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.06.23

Kiana Madeira Is Slowing Down

“I feel like the world is designed for us to play on hard mode.” ByShannon Barbour

This interview was conducted prior to the SAG-AFTRA strike and does not focus on the promotion of any particular project. We proudly stand with the WGA and SAG-AFTRA.

If there’s one thing actor Kiana Madeira is going to do (well, aside from delivering powerful performances in movies like Perfect Addiction and Brother), it’s making sure she takes care of her mind by tapping into mindfulness exercises, her faith, and therapy. “I feel like the world is designed for us to play on hard mode,” she tells Wondermind. “But the more I connect with God, the more God gives me the courage to actually go to therapy and meditate and read self-help books. God tells me that life is supposed to be enjoyed, and I think all of these practices for mental health are tools to help us live a joyful life.” 

Here, the actor sits down for a mental health check-in and shares what her journey has been like, from learning to be confident to getting comfortable with spending time alone. 

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WM: What’s bringing you joy or feels invigorating to you right now?

Kiana Madeira: Something I’m investigating right now and I’m really curious about is slowing things down. I’m reading this book called The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, and it’s bringing me a lot of joy because for a lot of my life, my mental state was dependent on how busy my life was. I’m starting to learn that if my mind is at peace, the world outside of me is also at peace. Even if from an outside perspective it’s very chaotic, I can actually experience peace just by slowing things down internally. That has me really excited lately.

WM: What has your mental health journey been like over the years?

KM: My mental health journey has been interesting, complex, and, I think, beautiful. Most specifically, I grew up in the industry, so I started acting when I was 10. I wasn’t a child star or anything; I actually got my first pretty big break right after high school, so that was probably a blessing in disguise because I got to have a normal childhood. 

But I quickly started to experience a lot of body image issues late into my teens and early into my 20s. I wasn’t even really [aware] that I was struggling with that. I developed an eating disorder when I was around 20, and, honestly, I didn’t even think it was a thing until a year or two went by and I started doing yoga at a home studio in Canada where I’m from. 

Starting my yoga practice was the first time I actually slowed down and really checked in with myself and realized I’ve been abusing my body and I’ve been kind of obsessed with maintaining a specific body image. [I thought] it would help me book roles and help me excel in my career. But really, the years that I was struggling with my eating disorder were the only years that I’ve never worked. So it was an interesting time for me. When I was 22, thank God, I was able to overcome that eating disorder and really prioritize my mental health. 

It’s been a journey ever since. There are times where it’s still a struggle. I think speaking about things like that is really important. … But I’m 30 now, and I was able to overcome those things, and I’m still working on maintaining my self-worth on a daily basis. 

WM: Were there any coping tools or mental health exercises in addition to yoga that helped you through your eating disorder? 

KM: I [try] my hardest not to get caught up in everything. Social media, for me, is huge. As humans, our minds are not actually programmed to intake so much information. As we scroll on social media, we’re subconsciously comparing ourselves to people we don’t know and also photos that are likely not even natural. Not having the presence of mind and just mindlessly scrolling is a dangerous trap.

I really set intentions every day to limit my time on social media. If I am going to log on to Instagram, I have an intention. I want to connect with my fans or post something that I want to promote, and then I log out and I delete the app. 

We naturally get swept up in [social media and comparison], and I don’t even think it’s a fair fight for us to try to be on social media all day and think that it’s not going to have a negative impact on our mind.

WM: When you disconnect, how do you like to spend your time? 

KM: My favorite way is meditating. I love closing my eyes and breathing and going inward. At first when you start meditating, I think it can be really daunting and your mind goes crazy. But after developing the practice, it feels like the most peaceful place in the world. It’s so simple when you’re sitting in silence and you’re breathing. Throughout the years, it’s helped me to think about my thoughts as clouds in the sky. When I’m meditating, thoughts come up, but I just gently let them float away. That visual really helps me. 

I also pray a lot. I’m Christian, and I feel like my faith has helped me so much. Knowing that I’m not alone and reading scripture in the Bible really helps remind me of who I am, not who the world says I am and not what negative thoughts sometimes tell me I am. 

WM: What gives you confidence? 

KM: I feel at my best when I am walking my own path and making decisions for myself. That includes eating what I want to eat and not drinking if I’m out. Even though it sometimes feels like that’s the social thing to do, if I make a decision that I’m not going to drink tonight, that makes me feel really confident. Or vice versa. Sometimes I want to drink and have a good time. That makes me feel confident too. I [feel most confident when I’m] making decisions for myself and checking in with myself before I give into the pressures of what I think society wants me to be.

WM: You seem to be really good about staying present, staying true to yourself, and being comfortable alone. Have you always been like that, or was there a learning curve?

KM: Honestly, I haven’t always been like that. I am a middle child in my family, so growing up, I actually never really had my own room; I shared with my sister. Then immediately from moving out of that house, I moved in with Lovell [Adams-Gray]. I’ve never really had my own space. 

Only when I started traveling for acting and filming in remote locations did I actually get to spend time by myself. It was shocking at first. I was very uncomfortable with it. I was so used to always having family or friends around, and I think it made me really sad. In the beginning, I felt very lonely, but then I started to really learn about myself. I started to learn how to cook. I started to investigate what makes me happy alone. I picked up playing the guitar, which is something that I did just for me. 

It’s been a process, and it didn’t always come naturally to me. I think I made an intention to go inward and ask myself those questions. What do I want to do that’s just for me—not to better my career, not to improve my acting, not to impress other people? In my own space, what makes me happy? 

I’m still learning, honestly. I definitely still feel anxious when I’m alone sometimes. I’m like a busybody. I feel like I always need to be doing something to fill the time. So I’m consistently working on checking myself and slowing things down.

WM: If you could go back, what mental health advice would you give your younger self? 

KM: Make time for myself, embrace being alone, embrace my emotions. … I’ve always craved understanding myself. I would tell my younger self to be easy on myself and give myself grace because it’s a journey. Don’t let anxiety or fear prevent you from continuing on the path of really getting to know yourself. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Kiana Madeira Is Slowing Down appeared first on Wondermind.