Stories Link Copied 01.23.24

5 Things People With Body Dysmorphia Want You to Know

Unfortunately, telling them they look awesome doesn’t help. BySam Brodsky

When psychotherapist Chris Trondsen, LMFT, started high school, he got acne. To him, those breakouts looked extremely severe. “I just felt like I was kind of a monster, a beast, my face wasn’t put together correctly,” he explains. In reality, his skin was like most teenagers’ or maybe even clearer. Multiple dermatologists told him his acne was so mild that he wasn’t a candidate for serious acne medication. Years later, he was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, or body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

People with BDD (about 1.9% of adults) literally see themselves differently than others do. When you live with this condition, the reality of what you look like is distorted. 

This mental health condition, which is a type of obsessive-compulsive and related disorder, manifests as intrusive thoughts (called obsessions), per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). Those often all-consuming thoughts can center around things like your skin, body shape, face, hair, or other physical features. You might even spend up to eight hours a day obsessing over these things, according to the DSM-5-TR. Sure, we’ve all had moments where we’re super aware of and insecure about our appearance, but in BDD these obsessive thoughts are focused on perceived flaws that are either barely noticeable or don’t register at all to other people.

To manage or soothe those obsessions, people with BDD do repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that are hard to avoid or feel like the only way to put a pin in those thoughts, according to the DSM-5-TR. That could look like compulsively comparing yourself to others, checking the thing you’re fixated on in the mirror or on your phone, trying to fix or pick at whatever’s bothering you, or repeatedly asking your friends and family for reassurance. 

It doesn’t take a psychologist to see that hyper-fixating on imaginary or exaggerated physical deformities messes with your life. Mak D., 25, says that before she was officially diagnosed with BDD in college, her grades dropped and she started isolating at home. She spent nearly all of her free time staring at her thighs and under eyes in the bathroom, crying over how she looked, and texting her friends about her body. “My mental health felt locked inside that bathroom,” she says.  

Yep, it can be pretty rough. Whether you have BDD or you want to be there for someone who does, we asked people with the condition to shed light on what Trondsen says is a super misunderstood disorder. 

1. It’s not always obvious that someone’s struggling.

People might ask you if their cheekbones or hair look weird, but you can’t always tell when they’re dealing with BDD-related obsessions or compulsions. You might be at the movies with a friend who can’t stop mentally comparing their body to your body the whole time, says Mak D. 

Mak D. also hid a lot of what she was struggling with from people by staying home and telling friends she was sick on the weekends. They’d assume she was studying during lunch when she was actually in front of a big locker room mirror she knew no one would be using.

2. People with body dysmorphia really do see themselves differently. 

Like we mentioned earlier, body dysmorphic disorder is way different than just wanting to look good or disliking some part of your face or body. “We see it as deformed or odd or weird-shaped [when it’s not],” Trondsen says. 

Tammy R., 53, started feeling this uncontrollable need to fix her teeth, nose, and jaw in her late 20s. To her, they were significantly deformed. “Thoughts wake you up in the middle of the night, and you’ve got to go to look at yourself in the mirror. And what you look at in the mirror is just so terrible,” she says. “You’re not seeing anything else about you or anything about who you are. You just see this defect.”   

Stephanie T.*, 33, who got a BDD diagnosis two years ago, says she obsesses over a part of her face that, to her, looks much smaller than it used to because of a medically necessary surgery. “While some people say they see a slight difference, many others say they do not, and no one thinks it’s nearly as bad as I think,” she says.

It would be awesome if you could just snap out of the distorted way you see yourself with BDD, but this obsessive-compulsive kind of mental health condition isn’t easy to shake. “I think people who have never struggled with BDD assume it’s like a light switch you can just turn off,” says Stephanie T. 

There’s no easy fix or moment of clarity though. “This preoccupation with our looks is usually so deeply ingrained in us that it takes a lot of time and self-work to see things differently and obsess less over our so-called flaws,” Stephanie T. adds. “My therapist tells me I always see ‘the part for the whole’ when I look at myself. If one feature isn’t as perfect as I want it to be, it means I’m all bad, I’m worthless.” 

3. Body dysmorphic disorder isn’t an eating disorder.

You might’ve heard that people with eating disorders, like anorexia nervosa, can see themselves as much bigger than they are, but that’s not the same thing as BDD, explains Trondsen.

That misconception could be part of the reason why some of Trondsen’s clients with BDD were first misdiagnosed with an eating disorder. But unlike disorders like anorexia, people with BDD are mainly concerned with the structure of their face or body, says Trondsen. They might think their calves are too small, their hips are too wide, or their features aren’t symmetrical, he explains. 

Though it’s totally fair if you were confused, knowing the difference can help you spot the signs of BDD in people you care about and maybe even help them find some professional support. It can also help you avoid topics that might be triggering for your friend or coworker with BDD. For example, you might steer away from discussing how someone looks (them or anyone else), especially from the neck up, says Trondsen. 

For what it’s worth, you can  be diagnosed with both BDD and an eating disorder—it’s something Trondsen sees in his clients quite a bit. And sometimes people will change how they eat because of BDD. For example, Trondsen says he completely gutted how he ate based on things he read could cause breakouts.

4. Compliments don’t help.

Even though you might have good intentions, telling someone with BDD you don’t see what they see or that they look great doesn’t make much of a difference. “No matter how many people I love and trust reassure me it’s fine, I’m the only person who can really convince myself otherwise,” says Stephanie T., who is working on that in therapy. 

Getting reassurance is also just a temporary fix, says Trondsen. He’d ask his mom if his face looked extra red in certain lighting or if his skin was clear, but her answer was never good enough. He’d feel calm for a little while, then go right back to fixating, he says. Or he’d think that people were only giving him compliments because they saw how bad he looked and felt sorry for him. Trondsen sees this in his clients with BDD too. They’ll think their friends and family are lying to make them feel better, he says. 

Julia, 32, who was diagnosed with BDD during her freshman year of college, says that validating her feelings is more helpful than giving her compliments. You could say something like, “I know you’re having a hard time, and I’m sorry you’re going through it,” and then help them think about non-appearance things they rock at, she suggests. Maybe bring up the good advice they gave you the other day or that you’re jealous of how funny their Instagram captions are. 

5. The physical “flaws” may be unfixable, but there is help for BDD. 

In his clinical experience, Trondsen says people with BDD who seek out surgeries or treatments often think they look worse or become preoccupied with another area of their body afterward. It can be very depressing, he says. 

Working with a mental health professional is what’s actually helpful for people with BDD. “The problem is not in your face. It’s in your mind,” notes Tammy R., who says she was horrified seeing the results of plastic surgery she got years ago. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps challenge beliefs about the body parts people with BDD are obsessing over, Trondsen explains. Therapists can also help them practice doing real-life things without their compulsions. For example, someone who’s convinced they’re balding and wears hats all the time might go to therapy without their head covered, then work up to going to the store hatless, he says. 

“Through CBT, I learned that I am someone that people like and want to be around. … We worked through the shame and guilt I had about my appearance and myself,” Trondsen says. “Recognizing that these feelings were from the disorder, not my organic thoughts, helped me let go of those emotions.”

Along with therapy, SSRI medications can ease anxiety and depression symptoms and also quiet ongoing negative thoughts about the body, says Trondsen. Both therapy and meds helped with Tammy R.’s nonstop intrusive thoughts, panic attacks, and depression she felt because of her BDD. Meditating, journaling, and working out has also helped her. You know…stuff that’s good for your mental health. “It was a lot of self-work, and it continues to be,” she says. 

*Name has been changed.

The post 5 Things People With Body Dysmorphia Want You to Know appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 07.20.23

When Do Body Image Issues Become Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

The mirror (and your brain) is deceiving you. BySam Brodsky

I’m gonna go ahead and assume that there’s at least one thing about your gorgeous self that you’re not pleased with. Maybe feeling crappy about that thing has manifested in some dickish self-talk or even led to canceling plans after trying on most of your closet. Unfortunately, that’s a pretty common experience for anyone with a body living in a place with high standards, internet access, and diet culture. And if you’ve ever heard about body dysmorphic disorder, you’ve probably wondered if your own self-image woes fall into that category. So, what is body dysmorphia anyway? We’re so glad you asked. 

Here, we discuss when body image issues can become a clinical diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and the differences between the two. Plus, we talk about BDD causes and treatment. 

One quick thing before we dive into the details: Mental health is complex and everyone has a unique experience, so don’t go diagnosing yourself just because you read a few articles on the internet (though, we do appreciate you stopping by to learn a few things). If this resonates with you, consider it a jumping-off point in your journey to getting care. OK, let’s get into it…

What is body dysmorphic disorder? 

If you are one of the roughly 1.9% of adults with BDD, you likely find yourself constantly worrying about parts of your body you see as flaws that aren’t really noticeable to other people, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

While that might sound like your entire middle-school class, in order to be diagnosed with this mental health condition, you’d need to spend hours a day stressing about those physical parts of you that no one else seems to be able to see, says licensed clinical psychologist Jennifer Greenberg, PsyD, who works with people with BDD as the Director of Translational Research at Massachusetts General Hospital’s Center for OCD and Related Disorders.

BDD falls under the umbrella of obsessive-compulsive and related disorders (like OCD), which means those super negative and sometimes intrusive thoughts about how you look can lead to repetitive behaviors called compulsions. That can look like trying to hide or fix those things you really, really dislike about yourself or obsessively checking to see how they look to the point that it’s interrupting your day, Dr. Greenberg says. You might also bring up those things to the people around you to get some reassurance that they’re actually fine (not that it helps), per the DSM-5-TR. 

Sometimes, BDD symptoms can overlap with other mental health concerns, but a diagnosis of BDD means your symptoms aren’t better explained by another condition, like an eating disorder. Although, Dr. Greenberg explains, if someone with BDD also meets the criteria for an eating disorder, they could be diagnosed with both.

When do body image issues become BDD?

One of the biggest differences between your run-of-the-mill crappy body image and this mental health disorder is that the thing you’re obsessing over is extremely hard for other people to see, says Dr. Greenberg. While some people with BDD might be completely convinced that the thing others tell them isn’t visible very much is, others could know on some level that the thing they feel is wrong with them actually isn’t, per the DSM-5-TR. The problem is that no matter what side of this spectrum they fall on, the obsessive thoughts and compulsions keep coming. 

Listen, this is not to say that it’s healthy to feel really shitty about acne, your hair, or any other part of your appearance that’s visible to the outside world. But, even if that thing makes you feel truly embarrassed, depressed, or anxious, it’s not the same as having BDD.

We sorta mentioned this earlier, but the other thing that sets BDD apart is that, if you have this diagnosis, you could spend an average of three to eight hours per day  on those compulsive behaviors (checking, picking, fixing), says Dr. Greenberg. And all of this makes school or work or any day-to-day activities really hard, she says.

If you have BDD you might also avoid social things like hanging with friends, going to school or work, or running errands. In extreme cases, being consumed with anxiety about how you look could keep you from leaving the house, Dr. Greenberg says. When you do go out, you might spend most of that time ruminating over the things people do or say to decipher whether they were judging you, she adds.   

To sum it up, having a bad body image is definitely not good for your mind, but a BDD diagnosis means your entire life is basically run by this disorder. 

What causes BDD?

While it’s not 100% clear what triggers body dysmorphia, a combo of factors can up your risk. The most obvious is having a close relative who has BDD, but being related to someone who has OCD can increase your chances of a BDD diagnosis too, according to the DSM-5-TR. 

Of course, how you’re raised can also play a part, Dr. Greenberg says. For example, some research suggests people with BDD are more likely to have experienced childhood trauma than those who don’t have it. And, in Dr. Greenberg’s experience, people with BDD often report getting a lot of attention (good or bad) based on how they looked growing up. It’s possible that those moments could lead to hyperfixating on your body or believing that your worth is based on how you look, she adds. Plus, growing up in a society with unrealistic beauty standards and values appearance over everything else doesn’t help either, she notes. 

How is body dysmorphia treated? 

Whether you have BDD or not, if body image issues are keeping you from living your best life, it’s worth seeking help—and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a great way to go, says Dr. Greenberg. 

CBT teaches you to reframe your negative thoughts about your appearance so that they’re more gentle and realistic, like how you’d talk to a friend, she says. A therapist can use CBT to help you see that no one cares about the thing that’s bothering you as much as you think they do (hello, spotlight effect!), she explains. 

CBT can also help you learn to stop judging yourself (or others) based on looks by challenging you to get out of your head and into the present moment, Dr. Greenberg says. So, during a conversation where you’d normally be thinking about your face or body or whatever, you’re more focused on what the other person is saying and how you’re feeling about their words.

When treating BDD specifically, CBT can help you understand that your compulsions aren’t useful, says Dr. Greenberg. “The more that you fix or hide the way that you look, the more it reinforces your unhelpful beliefs about appearance. It keeps you stuck,” she explains. A therapist might ask you to try going out in public without automatically covering up, checking your reflection, or whatever compulsions you usually rely on (aka exposure and response prevention), she says. 

Medication can help too. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a class of meds that increase the amount of serotonin in your brain, which, for some, lessens those appearance-related obsessive thoughts. That can make it easier to control your compulsions, says Dr. Greenberg. They can also help depression symptoms associated with BDD, she notes. 

Unfortunately, BDD won’t go away on its own, and if it goes untreated, it can get worse, Dr. Greenberg says. So if you think you’re dealing with extreme body image issues like BDD, it’s a good idea to see a professional who can give you a proper assessment and suggestions for effective treatment. 

The post When Do Body Image Issues Become Body Dysmorphic Disorder? appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 05.24.23

The Truth About Shopping for a Wedding Outfit With Body Dysmorphia 

This is not what dreams are made of. ByMarilyn La Jeunesse

“How was dress shopping?” a friend asked me the weekend after my first bridal appointment. “It was great,” I lied. “There are a few potentials.”

As cliche as it sounds, we’re told that shopping for a wedding outfit is supposed to be a dream come true. It’s a magical experience where you’re surrounded by your family and friends playing dress up, looking stunning, and imagining yourself getting married to your true love in a few months time. But for someone who has body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), like me, this feels less like a fairytale and more like a nightmare. 

My mom lives across the country, so when she came to visit me in New York City this spring, I wanted to make her feel included in my wedding planning experience, which was all happening here. I had her and my future mother-in-law tag along. 

Before we got there, I did let both of them know I was…less than enthused about the experience. In fact, I expected that I’d stand on the pedestal in front of the terrifying 180-degree mirror scrutinizing my every imagined flaw. And I wasn’t far off. It ended up being a real-life version of my worst nightmare with my own negative thoughts screaming over the supportive comments of my family behind me.

I almost canceled my second appointment, I came up with a bunch of excuses that weren’t true at all: I had a headache. My cat was sick. Work needed some last-minute changes to an assignment. Ultimately, I went, but not without crying twice. No one tells you that you might hate shopping for an outfit for your wedding. So…I will. 

What body dysmorphic disorder feels like for me.

According to the DSM-5-TR, BDD is a classification of obsessive-compulsive and related disorders that involves being excessively preoccupied with perceived physical flaws that aren’t noticeable (or are barely noticeable) to other people. People with BDD also feel compelled to participate in repetitive behaviors in response to this distress—like excessive grooming, skin picking, and mirror checking, to name a few. BDD can also affect how you show up in day-to-day activities, like seeing friends or even going to work. And while there might be overlap in the symptoms of BDD and other mental health concerns, a diagnosis of BDD means that your symptoms aren’t better explained by another condition, like an eating disorder.

I’ve struggled with body image issues for most of my life. Still, they didn’t significantly affect me until I was diagnosed with a chronic illness in 2016. My health radically altered my weight and appearance. Seven years post-diagnosis, I’m finding a new normal. I know which foods will send me into a months-long flare-up. I’m finally on a medicine that allows me to *not* go to the bathroom eight times a day and I am, for the most part, healthier than ever. 

But the psychological damage from the years spent trying to understand what was happening to my body and the way people responded to it changed the way I saw myself. Now, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. Imagined flaws, skin-picking, mirror checking, yes, confirmed. I also avoid social functions like work dinners and happy hours with friends because I can’t stand how I look on certain days or I can’t find any clothes that will hide those perceived imperfections. Even as I shopped for wedding dresses, all I could focus on were the tiny cellulite-caused divots in my leg showing through the silky fabrics or the way the lace clung to my hip dips in a seemingly unflattering way.

I can’t even look at photos of myself on vacation because I’ll find something wrong with my face or the position of my hands. Months later I’ll look back and not understand why I thought these images were so monstrous, but I still keep them hidden in my photo library. 

How I made the best of my wedding shopping experience.

Needless to say, shopping for new clothes in general is an emotionally taxing process that often leaves me in a days-long tailspin nitpicking my body from head to toe. So, I went into wedding dress shopping mentally prepared. I didn’t really expect to find something that worked for me or like how I looked in anything. I fully planned to hate every single gown and leave the store disliking the entire experience. But, I realized I reached a turning point in my bridal appointments when I started being more open and honest about my feelings, even the ones we’re not supposed to feel during our fairytale wedding appointments. 

While my body dysmorphia is regretfully alive and well, open communication was the biggest thing that got me through this whole experience. It also helped that the stylists (shoutout to Valentina and Liza at BHLDN!) started the appointment by asking me about the things I’d like to see, and how I was hoping to feel while wearing a dress. 

That alone opened up the floor for me to explain my insecurities in a way that made me feel like I had a voice and control. Up until that point, it felt too vulnerable or embarrassing to say I didn’t like parts of my body. But the stylists supported me and found different looks that complimented the parts of my body I do like. They even asked before sharing my measurements with me.

Because my stylists kicked off the appointment with non-judgmental kindness, I was able to actively communicate my worries. If a dress made me feel uncomfortable, they’d listen and offer alternatives—like lace cover-ups or entirely new dresses—to ease my worries. They used authentic and meaningful validation versus toxic positivity to allow me to come to my own conclusions about the dress. They wanted to know exactly what I loved and hated in order to find dresses that might better suit my own expectations.

They were also reassuring when I tried styles I was less comfortable with and helped push me out of my comfort zone. In fact, I even asked them to pick a dress they thought would suit my body, given my concerns and one of them was actually The One, if you can believe it. It’s a dress I never imagined myself in, and I know that if I hadn’t felt so supported, I probably would have avoided it entirely.

Being real about my feelings with the stylists and having a team of friends and family to negate my own concerns helped immensely. While this might not work for everyone, giving those around me permission to help reassure me (in a non-dismissive way!) can help me get out of my own head—especially since BDD is about preoccupation with perceived flaws. If they’re saying one thing and I’m saying another, it helps me pause and reevaluate what I’m telling myself. I was able to ignore the thoughts in my head and step back to look at my body from another person’s perspective. 

Instead of wondering if the dress showed too much “arm cleavage” or if the barely-visible-to-anyone-but-me acne scars on my back were showing, I focused on the parts of the dress they complimented. My boobs looked great. The structure of the dress fit my stature super well.

While we can’t control what our brain tells us is or isn’t true about our bodies, we can control how we support ourselves during this tricky moment. We can book therapy appointments and discuss our worries with our therapists. We can bring Post-It notes with positive affirmations with us and paste it on the mirror as we slip in and out of different options. We can be open about our concerns with those around us so they can better support us as we conquer our fears.

There is no easy solution to overcoming BDD, but we deserve to enjoy our Big Day feeling as much as everyone else. If that means taking extra time to choose a dress—seriously, do NOT rush into it—then so be it. And, to anyone else shopping with body dysmorphia, an eating disorder, or body image issues of any level: I see you. I hear you. I support you.

The post The Truth About Shopping for a Wedding Outfit With Body Dysmorphia  appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.28.23

Why Body Grief Is the New Body Neutrality

Pour one out for those societal expectations we’ll never meet. ByMinaa B.

At this point, most of us are probably familiar with the body positivity movement and the call to feel good about our physical forms and all they can do, regardless of what they look like—or even because of it. You might also be well-versed in that movement’s more realistic sequels: body neutrality and body acceptance. And while all of these mindsets can improve your relationship with food, exercise, clothes, and doctor’s appointments, getting there can feel impossible.

That’s partially because we live in a world where bodies, particularly feminine-presenting bodies, are heavily scrutinized. And since it’s so easy to fall into the trap of scrolling through content promoting society’s fat-phobic, ableist standard of what a body should look like, no one would blame you for feeling sad, shameful, frustrated, or angry about not meeting that criterion.

But if you’re forcing yourself to just love your body already, you’re basically trying to bypass those very real, very intense emotions that need to be investigated and processed before you can move past them. It’s kind of like shouting, “My body is amazing!” into a void in hopes that one day you’ll start to believe it. 

The thing is, emotions don’t go away because you want them to. In order to heal your body image wounds, you have to feel them. That’s why the grieving process, which enables you to really sit with and think about the origin of those intense feelings, is an important part of coming to terms with the body you have. 

Still, it’s not easy. As a licensed social worker, even with all the tools and coping strategies that I’ve learned, I too have struggled with accepting my own body and have spent time picking myself apart because I didn’t look like what I considered desirable. 

Clients have talked to me about the same issue, as well as how hard it is to see their shape change after having kids, as they grow older, or even as a result of taking medication to manage an illness. And because our bodies are the vessels in which we move through life, that emotional pain can feel inescapable.

So instead of willpower-ing our way to body neutrality—or even positivity—we have to own these tough emotions. We need to grieve the body we wish we had in order to accept the one we’ve got. This process can be a powerful tool that enables you to address the pain of not having the body you want. Then you can begin to let go of the idea that you need to look a certain way in order to be happy. As you move through that, you’ll get closer to accepting your body as it is. Here’s how to do just that. 

How to grieve the body you wish you had.

1. Acknowledge your feelings.

Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or any other emotion that comes up when you think about the body you want. That could look like taking a pause the next time you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror or try on clothes that used to fit. Sit with whatever comes up, instead of pressuring yourself to feel positive when you just don’t. You could tell yourself, Yep, I’m feeling really angry that this is what I’ve got and sad that it’s not going to change. Remember that all emotions, even the heavy ones, deserve your attention.

2. Spend time identifying exactly what you’re grieving. 

Are you feeling the loss of the body you had before an injury, illness, or kids? Or maybe it’s the fact that you’ll never look the way you wish you did (even if that’s an unrealistic ideal created by the patriarchy). Carve out some time in your schedule to think or journal about what you feel you lost or missed out on. If you can, see if you can dig into why that loss affects you so deeply. Is it unrealistic external expectations, fat-phobia or discrimination you’ve faced IRL, accessibility to things others take for granted, or another injustice sparked by the way you look? Even if you feel bad about feeling bad, being honest about the source of your grief is an important step.

3. Write a eulogy. 

This may sound strange or dark, but writing a speech or essay memorializing your ideal body can be a powerful way to acknowledge your feelings and begin to move on. If you’re eulogizing the way your body used to be, write down the things you loved about it. If you’re trying to get past the body you never had, focus on why that ideal meant so much to you and why it’s so hard for you to live without it. 

4. Create a ritual.

Grieving can make you feel sad and sort of hopeless, so it’s helpful to add in some exercises to avoid getting sucked into a pit of despair. Enter, rituals. These enable us to develop healthy habits to manage negative thoughts and stay mindful. It could be something as simple as writing yourself a little compliment on a sticky note that you can read to yourself as you brush your teeth to set a more positive tone for the day. 

If that feels like too big of a departure from your grieving process, your ritual could look like pausing to do a quick breathing exercise every time negative thoughts about your body overwhelm you. Box breathing is a great option: Inhale for a count of four, pause for another count of four, exhale for the same amount of time, then hold for four more counts before starting over. You can do that as long as you need until you feel more present. 

5. Filter your feeds.

If you spend a lot of time on social media (no judgment), your grieving process could be stunted by people or accounts that trigger negative self-talk about your body. Doing a little feed reset so that you only follow people who make you feel good will give you more space to mourn and come to terms with your body.

6. Take as long as you need.

Grief is fluid. It’s this heavy thing that takes many shapes over the course of time. One second you might be feeling your best and the next a trigger might cause you to grieve again. When that happens, just give yourself a gentle reminder that this isn’t always a linear process. That said, if you ever find that there are only lows for weeks or months at a time, consider seeking out a mental health professional who can guide you on this journey and give you the tools you need to manage your grief.

How to move from body grief to body neutrality.

So, yes, grieving is essential for accepting the reality of your current body. It allows you to process all of the hard emotions around that loss. And if you give yourself the time and space to experience it, you’ll be more likely to let go of the idea that you need to look a certain way to be happy or healthy. 

That said, there are steps you can take to make that transition from grief to acceptance a little quicker. 

1. Focus on what your body can do.

Maybe you can run a mile or taste coffee or enjoy the feeling of the sun on your skin. Celebrate those things. You can also try new activities that help you appreciate its capabilities. 

2. Surround yourself with body-neutral people.

Consider joining body-positive groups or communities, attending events that promote body diversity, or simply being more mindful of the messages you consume through media and social media. When you’re around others who celebrate all body types, not just those that fit a narrow definition of beauty, you can begin to see the worthiness of all bodies. 

3. Practice self-compassion.

Treat yourself the way you would a good friend. Speak to yourself kindly as much as you can, but don’t beat yourself up when negative thoughts come up. Cultivating a sense of gratitude can also promote self-compassion. So take time to appreciate the little things, such as how your body feels after a warm shower or a good meal or how it adapts and heals itself when sick or injured. Remember, your body is unique and worthy of love and acceptance just the way it is.

The post Why Body Grief Is the New Body Neutrality appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.18.22

Justin Baldoni Is on a Mission to Redefine Masculinity

“We don't realize that we are the burning building, and it's so much harder to run in and save ourselves.” ByCasey Gueren

If you remember Justin Baldoni as the handsome hotelier Rafael in Jane the Virgin  then you probably wouldn’t guess that insecurity and emotional fitness are two issues that have been top of mind for him. As the leading man behind Man Enough—the book series, podcast, newsletter, and legit movement—Baldoni is filled with insightful gems about what it means to be “a good man,” and why we all deserve to throw a tantrum now and then. 

[This interview originally appeared in a May 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations.] 

WM: What advice would you give to men who are struggling to open up about what they’re dealing with emotionally?

JB: We have to, especially as men, redefine what bravery looks like and what strength looks like, because right now so much of it is tied to physical attributes. We have no problem reaching out to a buddy and saying, “Hey, you wanna get a workout in?” or “I’m out of shape,” or whatever it is. We have no problem jumping in sometimes to maybe physically save somebody—to be the hero. If somebody’s in need, we can jump in because there’s a part of that that we’re conditioned to believe is our mission here: to save a damsel in distress. [We’re taught] that’s bravery: to run into a burning building. 

But emotional bravery is not something that we really discuss as men and we really teach. I would argue that it’s much harder, strangely, to reach out to someone when you are in a depression or when you have anxiety or when you feel like you’re going to lose everything, or if you have problems at work or in your marriage; it’s much harder to reach out to another man and admit defeat, if you will, and that you need help, than it is to run into a burning building and try to save somebody’s life. We don’t realize that we are the burning building, and it’s so much harder to run in and save ourselves. 

WM: You have two young kids, a boy and a girl. What conversations are you having with them around mental health? 

JB: For us, it starts with modeling. Before the kids could even talk, we found it very important to talk to our children like they’re adults and to not hide our feelings or our emotions. My kids have seen me cry so many times, whether I’m happy or whether I’m sad. It’s really important for them that they see their father showing emotions and being in touch with his feelings. 

And then I have to allow them the space to feel. Because what happens with children? They’ll have a full-blown tantrum for a few minutes, and then they’re like, “OK, I’m hungry now. Can I eat?” And they’re fine. Why? Because their body has cleansed themselves, it’s purged all of the trauma they experienced that day. All of those stress hormones have come out and now they’re free, they’re able to move, and they’re happy. That is their body actually saying this is what it needed. 

We, as adults, can learn something from our children. We need to create a space to do that. I have had full out-of-body experiences, tantrums, screaming, crying, yelling over the last two years when I’ve allowed and created a safe space for myself to feel. And then right afterwards, I’m exhausted, but I’m like, Oh, I feel amazing. Now, I can’t do that in my everyday life at my job. But at the end of my day, if a lot of little things have happened to me, a lot of little traumas or a lot of frustration, or if I had a bad day and I don’t allow myself to feel those things, if I don’t get in the gym or if I don’t move my body, if I don’t allow myself to process it and scream, and sometimes even cry, it’ll just get stuck in my body. It’ll build up and eventually I’m gonna explode. And this is what happens to all of us. 

WM: You’ve spoken before about dealing with body dysmorphia. What has been most helpful for you in working through that? 

JB: What’s worked the best for me has just been constant reinforcement that those things that I don’t like about myself, those insecurities that I have with my body, have nothing to do with me. They’re coming from a wounded, younger version of me that was bullied or berated or made fun of for something. 

The thing that’s helped me the most has been honestly looking in the mirror and as uncomfortable or weird or awkward as it sounds, making eye contact with myself and saying, “You’re beautiful. You’re handsome. You’re awesome. Your shoulders are big enough. You don’t need to have bigger shoulders. Having bigger shoulders is not gonna make anybody like you more. Look at all the things your body can do.”

It’s telling myself the things that I will tell my 4-year-old. And then writing them down every morning, training myself to actually believe them. And little by little I’ve started looking in the mirror and being like, “Oh, I actually look pretty good today.” Whereas before that was impossible; I would only see the things that were negative about myself. Don’t get me wrong. I still see the things that I wish I could change, but, if I go deep down, the only reason I want to change those parts of my body is to be accepted, liked, and loved. We have to train our minds and our bodies to see the good in ourselves. 

WM: Your next book, Boys Will Be Human, is aimed at a younger crowd. What advice do you wish you could go back and give to your 12-year-old self? 

JB: I think the most important thing for us men or for young boys—for all of us, really—is to learn how to sit with our feelings and our emotions, to actually be able to process them and understand what they are. if I could tell my younger self something—aside from the fact that I would tell him that he’s enough—I would tell him that your feelings, your sensitivity, your empathy, your emotions that other kids make fun of you for are the very things that make you human and will be your superpowers one day. 

WM: I have to ask a Jane the Virgin question as someone who loved the show and sobbed through the finale. Did playing the role of Rafael influence how you think about masculinity or mental health? 

JB: You know, if anything, I think that my personal journey influenced the role versus the other way around. Man Enough was an idea I started before Jane the Virgin, but Jane the Virgin gave me the platform to be able to make it a reality.

Rafael was such a great character because he was a guy who was just stuck in himself and stuck in the cycle. And for many of us men that have been there, it takes a woman telling us the truth to help us get out of it. And really that was the journey of this guy who had a terrible relationship with women … just had so much trauma in his life, and really at his core was a good man, but didn’t know how to be. And through becoming a father and [being with] Jane and all this, he stumbled and stumbled and eventually found his way. 

But what made Rafael also great was he was a deep-feeling, caring man that wanted to be better than he was. And that’s how I feel about myself. I want to be better than I am. I don’t like the fact that I have negative thoughts about myself. I don’t like the anger that comes up, ‘cause I don’t know where it comes from, but I need to process it to understand so I can be better. I don’t like that I’ll interrupt my wife when she’s talking despite knowing that I shouldn’t. These are the things that have been drilled into me for years for survival that I’m constantly unlearning. And that’s what makes Rafael, I think, an interesting character is that he wanted to figure it out and he was willing to figure it out. And also he cared a lot about his family and he wanted to be a good man. 

I think most of us men want to be good men, we just don’t know where to start. And we think being good men is just being the provider and the protector and being all of those things. But there’s so much more to being a good man than that. Being a good man starts with doing this hard work of heart work, as I say in Man Enough, and really working on emotional fitness and mental fitness so that we can not just become the best husbands and fathers and people for the other people in our lives, but also for ourselves. And I go back to that saying: We all should desire to become safe places—not just for everybody else, but for ourselves. And until we do that, nobody’s gonna be safe. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Justin Baldoni Is on a Mission to Redefine Masculinity appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.14.22

Lana Condor Is Being Careful With Her Energy

The 'Boo, Bitch' star has never felt this way before. ByShannon Barbour

After a series of highly successful movie adaptations (hello, To All The Boys franchise!) and intense pressure to do it all, actor Lana Condor wants things to be different this time around. With a new set of boundaries and a strong support system, she’s never felt this good about a press run before. Ahead of her Netflix Boo, Bitch  series, Condor carved out some time to talk about once feeling like a “shell” of herself, shutting down negative self-talk, and being stronger than she knows. 

[This interview originally appeared in a July 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations.] 

WM: How are you doing lately? 

Lana Condor: I’m doing better than I thought I was going to be doing. I’m on a press tour right now for a new show that’s coming out on Netflix in July. Oftentimes, press tours in general just take a lot out of the spirit, and you have to give so much energy to so many people. But I actually feel really good. I created really strong boundaries, like with my team, for this specific tour because I was like, “I don’t want to feel like a shell of myself when it’s over. Let’s make sure that we’re doing everything that we can to have breaks and do only what we need to do.” So with those boundaries, it has made such a difference because I feel really good, and I’ve never felt this way about a press tour before. 

WM: How do you manage the comedown after a big career moment or even just a stressful day?

LC: Now I have boundaries, but I’m very much a people pleaser. So I’m the type of person that will go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go if someone needs me to. But I’m dying inside, and then there’s nothing left to give. 

When I go home, I’ve created practices for myself. So the comedown is real, and [this] kind of grounds me back into my body, makes me feel like a human being again: Usually, when I come back from work, I’ll cook a dinner. And I might be up two hours longer than I should have [been], but just the act of doing something like an everyday thing, like making yourself dinner, cleaning the dishes—all of that stuff grounds me and reminds me I’m still a human that has a life, and my life isn’t just my job.  

The easiest thing that I do to help me unwind after a kind of a stressful day is definitely a bath. It forces you to relax. I do like journaling. I read at night. I do a lot of essential oils. Sometimes I’ll go outside and sit with my crystals. And [I] listen to sound baths in the morning and in the night. 

WM: Do you have a favorite journal prompt or do you free-write? 

LC: I use the five-minute gratitude journal every day, and they have you do it in the morning and at night. But then I also just properly journal, and something that I mostly focus on is I write these mantras in my journals. It’s: “You are stronger than you know.” And I write that all the time.

I start my day with that mantra; I go to bed with that mantra because, well, I just genuinely believe that. And I think everyone has their self-doubts, their fears. Everyone has something that they might have to go through during that day that they might not really want to, but they have to do it anyway. So I find that kind of mantra, that “you’re stronger than you know,” is a reminder that you are, and we’ve been through a lot of stuff and we’re still here, and that is due to our resilience as humans. And that is proof that you are stronger than you know. Even in my darkest times or where I feel the worst, I remind myself that, and I’m like, No. I’ve gone through this, and I got out the other side.

WM: What aspect of your mental health would you describe as a work in progress right now? 

LC: [Laughs] I think everything. I think right now…positive self-image and self-talk is probably one that I’m working on the most, and that’s a practice that you kind of have to do every day. 

Some of the things that you say to your image, you would never ever say that to your best friend or your little sister. Well, hoping you are a good person, hoping you’re a decent person. [Laughs] So I try to remind myself of that. ‘Cause I can be pretty hard on my physical appearance. That’s just something that I’ve struggled with all my life. That kind of body dysmorphia is heightened in the entertainment industry because I see myself all day long on cameras and monitors and super close up and far behind, and you can’t really escape yourself—and nor do I want to. But if negative self-talk is alive and well in my brain and   I can’t escape myself, then I’m miserable.

I went back home a couple weeks ago, and I was eating so much food, and I was sleeping so much. I started to judge myself, like, Why can you not stop? Why are you constantly eating? Why can you not stop eating, Lana? Why are you sleeping for hours and hours and hours?   I was judging myself. And then Anthony, my fiancé, and I kind of took a step back, and we were like, Our body needs this. ‘Cause our body is asking us to do this. Our body needs the nourishment. It needs the rest.

WM: What mental health advice would you give your younger self?

LC: Share your feelings with someone who feels safe for you. Don’t bottle it up. Because I bottled it up a lot when I was younger about things that I was going through—and I’m still in it—and it took so much time and practice to even 1. identify it, and then 2. to unlearn. I think that if I had felt more safe in terms of sharing whatever was going on with me at that time, I think that it would’ve saved me a lot of time. Of course, it’s always just a journey. It’s an every day journey, and that’s good. That’s what a practice is. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Lana Condor Is Being Careful With Her Energy appeared first on Wondermind.