Explainer Link Copied 11.26.24

How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style

You’re not doomed, but here’s what to do about it. ByAshley Laderer

If you haven’t spent a significant amount of time talking or thinking about attachment styles lately, then you probably have a much healthier screen time report than we do. Thanks to social media, everybody and their mom has heard about attachment theory and the ways it can show up in our interactions with others. One of the biggest sources of drama, according to the internet, is an insecure attachment style. 

Whether you just surfaced from an #attachmentstyles rabbit hole on TikTok or never heard of her, here we explain what an insecure attachment style is, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do next. Here we go! 

What is an insecure attachment style?

The short answer: It’s anything that isn’t a secure attachment style. But to understand what that means, we need to rewind a bit and cover attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on years later by psychologist Mary D. Ainsworth, PhD, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). The theory suggests that humans need to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers (and with people in general) to survive. It also surmises that there are different types of relationships between infants and caregivers (some healthier than others), and those relationships can go on to affect that child’s emotional growth as they get older, per the APA.

Dr. Ainsworth reported that the more sensitive and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, the more likely that child is to have a secure attachment—aka the best kind of attachment. And that idea has been backed up by lots of research since.

Babies develop a secure attachment when their caregivers consistently meet their physical and emotional needs during their first year, says therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, who treats clients with insecure attachment. When parents don’t respond to a child’s cries or provide a safe and stable environment, it can lead to an insecure attachment, Groskopf says. “Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains.

The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents’ attention, she explains. Other times, you might avoid displaying emotion because your parents have consistently let you down when you’ve shown distress in the past, she adds. 

Over the years, psychologists found that attachment theory also applied to romantic relationships. And while the attachment styles we have in our adult relationships might be the same ones we developed with our caregivers early on in life, that’s not always the case for everyone. Plus, an insecure attachment style in dating isn’t always caused by caretakers—you can also develop an insecure attachment from unhealthy relationships, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Finally, It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t necessarily static. “Although people who are secure in one relationship—such as relationships with parents—tend to be secure in other relationships too—such as relationships with partners—there is nothing deterministic about this pattern,” says R. Chris Fraley, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “Indeed, many people have different kinds of attachments with different people in their lives. It is quite common for people to have a secure relationship with a parent but an insecure relationship with their current partner.”

Types of insecure attachment styles 

According to Dr. Ainsworth’s research and the attachment studies that followed, insecure attachment styles fall into one of three categories: avoidant attachment, resistant/ambivalent attachment (now often referred to as anxious attachment), and disorganized attachment.

Here’s the difference between these three types of insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment: “People with an anxious attachment style crave and desire intimacy, but they’re fixated on whether the other person likes them back,” says Mouhtis. If you have this style, you probably struggle with a fear of abandonment too. 

Anxious attachment is typically the result of a caretaker who’s inconsistent, Mouhtis says. Maybe they were loving and attentive some of the time, but they could also be MIA, moody, or angry. As a result, you can become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, work to anticipate their needs, and abandon your own. 

Avoidant attachment: It’s not that people with an avoidant attachment don’t want intimacy, it’s just super uncomfy for them, Mouhtis says. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely ~avoid~ emotional intimacy, distance yourself, and keep your relationships surface level to prevent getting hurt.

This attachment style is often a result of caregivers rejecting or dismissing a child’s needs, teaching them that emotion leads to rejection, Groskopf says. So, to protect themselves, the child might suppress their emotions and keep feelings out of their relationships moving forward, she adds.

Disorganized attachment: This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment tropes. You go back and forth between craving intimacy (see: being “needy”) and pushing intimacy away in an unpredictable pattern, says Mouhtis. Sometimes you’re distant, sometimes you’re clingy. 

This kind of attachment is often thought to be linked to childhood trauma. “Typically with disorganized attachment, there was a parent who was both a comfort to the child and a threat,” Mouhtis says. That can create a lot of confusion for a kid and how they see their role in relationships. 

How can I tell if I have an insecure attachment style?

While it’s easy to take these at face value, attachment styles are incredibly nuanced. You likely have a global attachment style that dictates how you’ll generally respond in relationships, but there may be variations in how you act from relationship to relationship, says Dr. Claudia Brumbaugh, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “This variation is based on how the partner treats you. A very secure person is unlikely to become super-avoidant with one person in their life, but they may be more avoidant with one person than they normally are because that person tends to be emotionally cold toward them.”

That said, here are some indicators that you’ve got an insecure attachment situation going on, according to Groskopf. 

Signs of anxious attachment:

• You constantly seek reassurance
• You frequently ask your partner if they still love you 
• You worry excessively that your partner will leave you
• You panic when people don’t respond quickly to texts
• You’re a people pleaser
• You often sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships 

Signs of avoidant attachment: 

• You often keep your feelings to yourself
• You avoid emotional conversations
• You pull away when relationships get too close
• You think keeping an emotional distance is the safest
• You don’t like to rely on others
• You feel more secure being independent 

Signs of disorganized attachment:

• You push people away when they get close, but feel distress when they’re distanced
• You struggle with trust
• You’re torn between wanting emotional closeness and fearing it
• Your reactions in relationships feel inconsistent 
• There’s a lot of instability in your relationships
• You sabotage your relationships 

How can I fix an insecure attachment style? 

The most important thing to remember about an insecure attachment style is that it isn’t a life sentence. It’s definitely possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Here’s how. 

Identify your biggest struggles.

It’s hard to say what kind of insecure attachment style you have without working with a therapist. That said, assessing how you show up in relationships can help you notice unhelpful patterns, Groskopf says. For example, do you constantly seek reassurance from a partner and fear abandonment? Do you avoid vulnerability and keep your partner at arm’s length? This awareness is the first step to making changes.

Because these patterns aren’t your fault, you also need to prioritize self-compassion through this process, says Groskopf. Instead of judging yourself for your attachment style, recognize that these patterns once helped you survive and connect, Groskopf says. “You don’t need to blame yourself.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Building a secure attachment style takes major changes, and it’s not easy. As with anything new, approaching your relationships differently can feel weird or uncomfortable at first. And yet, pushing through can help you grow and develop new relationship and communication skills. 

For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, try to stay present and sit with the feelings that come up when a partner expresses affection. “In the moment, you can remind yourself that receiving a partner’s love doesn’t mean losing yourself or your independence,” Mouhtis says. With practice, you’ll learn to associate intimacy with pleasure and joy rather than loss, she adds.

On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work toward feeling more comfortable with being alone and learn to reassure yourself instead of depending on others,  Mouhtis explains. Over time, you can feel less dependent on reassurance from others and trust that people aren’t always going to leave you. 

Find a professional. 

Working with a pro is your best bet for developing a secure attachment style that sticks. “Therapy, especially with an attachment-focused therapist, can help you learn why you adopted these coping strategies and how to form healthier connections as an adult,” says Groskopf.

Mouhtis says that she often uses internal family systems (IFS) therapy with clients who have attachment issues. This kind of psychotherapy encourages people to see themselves as made up of various parts with different roles in order to heal childhood wounds (like insecure attachment). No matter what type of therapy your mental health pro uses, know that these changes take time. But stick with it! Secure attachment, here we come! 

The post How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.24.24

Here’s Why You Keep Having Drama With Your Friends

Don’t be mad…but it might be you. ByLauren Del Turco

Maybe you’ve noticed certain friends (or maybe you?) always have beef with others in the group chat, fantasy football league, or Slack channel. If that has you wondering, Am I the drama? consider this your unofficial support group/intervention. 

Here’s the thing: For the most part, friendship conflict is normal, says Minaa B., LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles. Generally speaking, if you have a good friend, at some point, you and that friend will have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, she explains. It happens!

Maybe it’s not flipping-tables level—or maybe it is, IDK your life—but if that conflict involves gossip, ignoring or minimizing an issue, constant arguments, or unspoken expectations, it’s become a dysfunctional-level of drama, says Minaa B.

Same goes if the conflicts never go away, mess with how you function, or make you feel annoyed with your friend or the group as a whole (whether you’re the perpetrator or not), says Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. 

So, if you’re ready to take a good hard look at those relationships—including your part in them—here are some possible reasons why your friend drama is on repeat and what to do next.

One of you is growing.

Personal evolution has a funny way of throwing a wrench into your relationships. Positive changes, like setting boundaries, prioritizing self-compassion, or even drinking less, can feel like a personal attack to friends who can’t relate.

Maybe you’re trying to avoid social burnout, so you cancel plans and spend your morning hurkle durkle-ing instead of recovering from a hangxiety. Whatever the case, these shifts in your values can trigger complicated feelings in friends who may have expectations or see you in a certain way, says Dr. Zuckerman. While their response can vary a lot, the consequences are ultimately the same: drama.

That might look like a nine-minute voice note about how you’ve changed, one of those “K,” texts, or gossiping behind your back. Not fun. 

If you’re the one evolving, you might be judgey too. In your new era, you might have a harder time accepting your friends as they are, says Minaa B. Expressing those feelings, consciously or not, pretty much guarantees some sort of divide. 

For what it’s worth, personal growth sometimes means walking away from certain relationships—and that’s OK. But, if you want to maintain those bonds, you need to “honor people for who they are and assess their strengths instead of focusing on their weaknesses,” Minaa B. says.

They’ve gotten too comfortable.

Most of the time, people don’t fully let their guard down until they feel safe in a friendship. Usually that’s once they’re already in deep, says Dr. Zuckerman. So it’s not uncommon for some to keep not-so-great behaviors or habits under wraps till it seems like the coast is clear. 

By the time you’ve clocked hours on each others’ couches, their passive-aggressive behavior, trauma dumping, neediness, or jealousy might start slipping out. At that point, those unhinged actions can feel like they’re coming out of nowhere and spark many an argument (or just an active group chat they’re not invited to join).

Those new behaviors could also progress into abusive ones, adds Dr. Zuckerman. If you notice they’re extremely passive aggressive, making demands without reciprocating effort, giving you the silent treatment, or isolating you from others, those are red flags, says Dr. Zuckerman. This stuff is never normal or healthy. So, if you can, reach out to people you trust for help ending this friendship. 

When their antics are more annoying than abusive, ask your friend if the two of you can be more open about what you need. How they respond will let you know whether your relationship is headed for less dramatic days or not, says licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD, the chief clinical officer of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy.

If they’re up for candid communication, you might use I statements to let them know how their actions make you feel. You can try, “When you leave passive-aggressive sticky notes on the fridge, I feel confused about whether you’re upset with me or not.” Or, “When you don’t ask me about my life during our conversations, I feel like you’re not interested in how I’m feeling.” See how it goes! 

You’ve accepted their mess.

Sometimes their freak is on display from the start—and, for one reason or another, you choose to ignore it or put up with it, suggests Minaa B. Sometimes that happens because you’re willing to let a few unsavory aspects of a prospective friend slide. 

Other times, those messy, problematic behaviors feel soothingly familiar, so you accept them as normal and fine, Dr. Zuckerman explains. “As human beings, we crave order, structure, and familiarity—even if it’s unhealthy,” she adds. “Being able to predict what comes next gives us a sense of control.”

Again, if you notice any signs of abuse (like the ones listed above), it’s time to get some help and see yourself out. If that’s not the case but you still want to change up the dynamic, ask them if they’re willing to chat about your feelings and what you need for this friendship to continue going forward. Use those I statements! 

Your attachment style is showing.

ICYMI, attachment styles are based on a psychological theory that suggests the way you felt in your earliest relationships with your caregivers impacts relationships throughout your life—including your friendships.

The idea is that when caregivers quickly respond to a child’s needs, it teaches them that people can be trusted, the world is safe, and they’re deserving of unconditional love. Then, that baby grows up to be a securely attached adult, according to the American Psychological Association.

But if those weren’t the lessons you took away from childhood, for whatever reason, you might develop an insecure attachment style, like avoidant attachment or anxious attachment. These can make it harder for you to maintain healthy friendships. 

With an avoidant attachment style, you might respond to disagreements by withdrawing, ghosting, or actively distracting yourself from the problem, says Dr. Shumway. Those avoidant behaviors aren’t really productive—and can even make things worse. 

Same goes for those with an anxious attachment style, adds Dr. Shumway. With this one, you might find yourself asking, “Are you mad at me?” way too often,  reflexively people-pleasing, and gossiping about others to build closeness, he explains. Those habits can easily cause drama with your friends. 

Sometimes our patterns are so perfectly mismatched that all hell breaks loose, says Dr. Zuckerman. Say you’re anxiously attached and have an avoidantly attached friend. Even though it’s no one’s fault, you might feel unappreciated or unwanted while they feel smothered or overwhelmed, Dr. Zuckerman explains. Whether it all bubbles up to the surface or not, you’ve got some drama on your hands. 

To troubleshoot, you’ll need to lean into some uncomfortable honesty, Dr. Shumway says. “Our culture discourages people from being open and honest with one another to protect feelings and or avoid conflict,” he says. “But if you want healthy relationships in which people can express feedback from a place of positive intent, you need to be transparent.” This will help you better manage conflict.

So invite them to share their feelings about your relationship and gently express yours. Again, those I statements will come in handy here. 

Maybe…you’re the problem.

There is a chance that you’re just drawn to dramatic people, it’s true. But there’s also a chance you’re the source of drama, adds Dr. Shumway. So take a (compassionate!) look in the mirror. If there’s chaos in all of your friend groups or you have trouble sustaining friendships in general, it’s time to reflect on the part you play, says Minaa B. 

While journaling can help you get some clarity, working with a mental health pro will enable you to dig deeper into the source of your friendship drama. They can also help you navigate those hard convos with friends as issues come up or end friendships that aren’t a good fit anymore (or never were).

“As we go through life, it’s normal and expected to gain and lose friendships,” Dr. Zuckerman says. But, by examining how you show up in platonic relationships, you can keep more healthy, long-lasting bonds along the way.

The post Here’s Why You Keep Having Drama With Your Friends appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 04.21.23

Is It Your Anxious Attachment Style or Are You Dating Assholes?

An investigation. ByDani Kam

A few years ago, I took a hard look at my dating life. I desperately wanted a relationship, but the guys I was seeing made me feel insecure and anxious about myself and our potential future. At the time, “My anxious attachment style” wasn’t a transition you’d casually drop at brunch, so I blamed my fears on the fact that I was dating jerks—and (for the most part) I was. 

But now that all of us and the entirety of TikTok are out here analyzing our relationship patterns like the, “I’m not a therapist, but…” humans that we are, I can confirm I do have an anxious attachment style, and I suspect it’s been very much at play. 

“People are now recognizing the importance of understanding and addressing emotional and psychological barriers that show up in their dating lives,” says Emma Zucker, LMSW, an associate therapist at Manhattan Wellness, a psychotherapy practice that specializes in dating and relationships. And if you can relate, it’s time we break down the difference between, “It’s not you, it’s me and my anxious attachment style,” and, “It’s definitely you because you’re kind of the worst,” once and for all. 

Below, you’ll find out what anxious attachment is, who it happens to, and how to deal if it’s becoming an issue. 

What is an anxious attachment style?

ICYMI, attachment theory, or the umbrella under which the anxious attachment style lives, isn’t new. It was originally proposed in the 1980s by psychologist John Bowlby, who was trying to understand infants’ intense emotional responses when they were separated from their parents. 

The idea is that how you felt in your earliest relationships (secure, cared for, abandoned, or forgotten) can impact your relationships throughout your life. For example, if someone consistently came quickly to make you feel better when you cried, you might be more likely to develop a secure attachment style, feel deserving of love, and know attention will be available when you need it.

But if your needs weren’t met or you felt like you couldn’t depend on comfort from your caregiver, you might be more likely to experience an insecure attachment style like anxious attachment. Unfair, but true. 

In my childhood, I experienced a lot of inconsistency. I had a parent who was loving and available one moment and the next wasn’t meeting my most basic needs. “When a parent is inconsistent in how they show up, it leaves the child confused and striving for love and affection,” says Michele Miller, LMSW, a lead therapist at Manhattan Wellness

While most mental health pros agree that an anxious attachment style begins in childhood, your ~romantic history~ could also impact your attachment style. “People who have had unstable relationships in which their partner showed up inconsistently can develop an anxious attachment,” says Miller. “This is often apparent in their next relationship, since their previous one set their expectations.” 

And when your dating life has made you feel like there actually aren’t that many fish in this sea, that scarcity mindset could impact your attachment style too. You might start to believe that if your next relationship or the one you’re in now isn’t the one then there isn’t anyone else and you’ll be alone forever.

How can I tell if I have an anxious attachment style?

Though being single really isn’t a bad thing, it can feel extra scary if you have this attachment style. That’s because most people who have it fear being alone and base their self-worth on being attached, says Miller. Which, yeah, doesn’t usually translate well to how you act in a relationship. “With an anxious attachment style, someone is overly attentive, cautious, or insecure in their partner’s actions” because they’re scared that their partner will create distance or leave the relationship, she adds. 

People with this kind of attachment style need a lot of validation and consistency to feel like their partner cares about them, so they tend to over-analyze everything their partner does, says Zucker. And if you feel like you’re constantly interpreting what your S.O. (or last Bumble date) says or does as signs of rejection or abandonment, you might be dealing with some anxious attachment style issues. 

Same goes if you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner pretty often (“Are we good? Are you mad? Are you still into me? You’re not seeing other people, are you?”) or become jealous or possessive in close relationships (“You think they’re hot, don’t you?”). 

An anxious attachment style can also manifest as behaviors that attempt to get some attention, aka protest behaviors, says Zucker. That can look like calling, texting, or emailing excessively, withdrawing, acting hostile, or threatening to leave—all while secretly hoping your partner will give you the attention and reassurance you’re seeking. Yep, sounds like fun for everyone involved…not really.

So am I anxiously attached or dating someone who doesn’t make me feel safe?

We can all agree that constant overthinking and reassurance-seeking isn’t really a good look (nor is it fun to experience). But it’s also a very valid response to dating someone who is inconsistent, up to no good, or just generally an asshole. So, how can you tell if it’s the person you’re dating or your attachment style that’s making you second guess every text? 

It’s true that you may find yourself doing all those things above to figure out what their deal is in both situations. But the key to telling the difference lies in how they respond. If they listen to your concerns, meet your needs in a realistic way, are open, honest, and make you feel supported—yet you still feel anxious in the relationship—it could be your attachment style, says Zucker. If that’s the case, it might be worth reflecting on your self-esteem and general anxieties on your own or with them (or both).

But if you’re dating someone who is just not great at being a partner (i.e. they rarely check in with you or ignore you on purpose, keep you waiting when you had plans, make you feel disrespected or unwanted, disregard your needs even after you’ve clearly expressed them, give you legit reasons to feel jealous or question their faithfulness, etc.), the problem might be them. In this case, being anxious about the state of your relationship is a very reasonable reaction, says Miller, and not necessarily indicative of your attachment style.

Can I change my attachment style?

If you just realized that you probably have an anxious attachment style, don’t worry. You’re not doomed forever. “You can definitely work towards having a secure attachment style,” says Miller. “It starts with understanding what you need to feel comfortable and secure in a relationship and communicating those needs.” 

Working on how you see yourself will also help you unlearn those relationship anxiety-fueled behaviors. “A big component of anxious attachment comes from not seeing your worth, so by building your self-esteem you can recognize that you are worthy and that one person or relationship doesn’t define you,” she says.

I can attest to this work. I spent—and still spend—a lot of time in therapy discussing anxieties about my current relationship and relationship history, and it’s helped me see my value overall. Now, I’m able to look at any issues that come up with my partner through the lens of whether they’re actually not meeting my needs or whether it’s an anxious attachment thing.

So, from one fellow anxiously attached person to another, I say unto thee: If your partner is making you feel heard, seen, and supported but you still exhibit anxious-attachment behaviors, you may want to seek out a licensed mental health professional to help you work through those deeply rooted feels. On the other hand, if your partner is inconsistent, makes you feel unsafe or unwanted, or disrespects you, they’re probably just an asshole.

The post Is It Your Anxious Attachment Style or Are You Dating Assholes? appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 10.14.22

‘Bling Empire’ Star Kelly Mi Li Says Therapy Is One of the Best Things to Happen to Her

The mental health advocate and nonprofit founder started individual therapy after Season 1. ByShannon Barbour

Netflix’s Bling Empire finally released Season 3 this month, and that means more Kelly Mi Li. Promising deeper and funnier storylines ahead, the entrepreneur, producer, and mental health advocate opened up to Wondermind about pursuing individual therapy after Season 1 and how it helped her after her breakup from Andrew Gray. The fan favorite also praised therapy for helping her destigmatize mental health in her family and broach difficult topics with her mom. 

Read on for more from Mi Li, including her most recent project: launching a nonprofit with initiatives that include a tracking system to map anti-Asian hate crimes, expanded tools to help missing elders reconnect with their families (especially those with mental health disorders), and improved safety and security programs for Asian businesses.  

WM: What’s something you’re excited about right now? 

Kelly Mi Li: The thing that I’m most excited about is I just launched my nonprofit called Golden Voice Society. It’s been in the works for such a long time, so I’m just really excited it’s finally launching. Golden Voice Society is a nonprofit I put together to help the AAPI community with awareness, education, empowerment, representation, [and also] safety because there’s a lot of [hate and crimes] right now targeting Asians. 

WM: Bling Empire Season 3 also just premiered. What can fans expect from you this time around? 

KML: This season is going to be a lot more fun. I think it’s more in depth … and has a lot of heart, which I think you’re gonna get a lot more this season instead of just drama. I know dramas are fun, but you know, we also want some real stories as well. And then stories that keep expanding our Asian culture. I’m really excited about that. For me, the season is really me finding myself again and starting the whole dating process, which is very, very scary after being in a relationship for five and a half years. It’s very misfortunate for me, but you see a lot of funny moments of me trying to go on dates and trying to open myself back up again. 

WM: In Season 1, you were open about your relationship and pursuing couples therapy. And after filming, you started pursuing individual therapy. How has therapy helped you in your journey?

KML: Therapy has completely changed my life. It has opened doors for me that I never knew were there. I think there has been a really bad stigma around therapy, especially in the Asian culture. We’ve never talked about therapy; the word therapy was so unfamiliar to me till [I was in] my late 20s. But it really is a way to get to know yourself, and then you realize [how] your childhood [and] everything is so connected. Then you’re starting to be more aware, like, Oh, why do I do this the way I do? Or, Why do I react this way? It makes you ask why, and it has changed me completely. It’s literally one of the best things that ever happened to me.  

WM: How has therapy and learning more about yourself changed how you approach relationships with other people, especially as you’re dating in Season 3?

KML: After the breakup [from Gray], I took about six months off to really get to know myself and [do] self-healing. I’ve lived with myself for 30-plus years, but I really didn’t know myself. So I have more self-love now. One of the things that people always say is that if you have so much self-love and self-value, you wouldn’t take anything less, and there’s a standard of how other people treat you. I didn’t really understand it until I experienced it myself. Now that I know my boundaries, I know how to say no. I know what I like as well now, because before, I [would] tend to just go with whatever…and I really didn’t know myself. Now that I do, I have a full list of things that I want in my partner. 

WM: Where are you on your mental health and self-discovery journey now? 

KML: The journey’s never-ending. I’m going to be continuing this journey for the rest of my life, but I am so much better now than before. One of the things that stuck with me was attachment style. I didn’t realize I had anxious attachment style, and that explained so much after I looked into it. Like, Oh my gosh, I keep attracting avoidant [people] ’cause that was what I thought love was ’cause that’s what my dad gave me. I think being able to catch myself [has helped]. When I started dating again, I realized there’s always a pattern. Now I know to stop myself, like normally I would react this way, but I need to rewire myself—I need to respond to this situation differently.

WM: You mentioned learning about yourself by reflecting on your childhood. How has that changed your approach to mental fitness?

KML: It’s so silly, but talk to yourself like a child. Some of the work I’ve done is that if you find a picture of yourself when you’re younger, put it on paper or somewhere and talk to yourself. Sometimes when you feel uncertain [or] negative, sometimes it’s from your childhood, so you want to heal that person as well. 

And I had a talk with my mom in Season 3 about [how] I never thought I was good enough because of Asian culture with tiger moms, it’s always like nothing’s ever good enough. … So I actually confronted my mom about that. She took it really welI. I was like, “You never say you’re proud of me. You never say you love me,” ’cause it wasn’t her culture. She was like, “I didn’t mean that. I do. It’s just that I was never taught that. I was never given that.” 

WM: How did you prepare for that conversation with your mom?

KML: That was so hard with my mom, like, so hard, because the number one thing is that you don’t want to hurt her feelings because she’s my superhero—she’s my role model. She just gave up so much of her life for me. So that was my first thing: I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. The second thing was: I don’t know how to communicate with my mom, as weird as that sounds. ‘Cause growing up, again, we just didn’t talk about anything feeling-wise or emotion-wise. Me and my mom talk about: “How’d you do in school?” and “What are you achieving at work?” … So I didn’t know how to bring that up, but I knew that I had to because I want us to start building a closer relationship, and I know without this conversation, we wouldn’t be able to. Life is too short, and I’m a single child, so I’m her only daughter and I want to spend the rest of our time together [getting] closer. It’s weird ’cause I feel like I didn’t even know my mom. 

WM: What’s one thing you do for your mental health on a regular basis?

KML: Take time by myself, and I journal. Journaling is a really great way to reflect on how you feel, and then it’s good to look back [on]. … I used to hate spending time with myself. If a friend canceled plans, I would try to make plans with another friend. I always wanted to stay busy ’cause I didn’t like being home. Now, I love it. I’m like, “Cancel plans? Yes! I get to stay home.”

WM: What mental health goals are you currently working on? 

KML: I really want to keep growing as a person. I [also] really want to help destigmatize mental health, especially in the Asian culture just because it was something that we never talked about. I really want to help that movement because it has changed my life so much for the better. 

WM: What’s one way you would encourage Asian people to talk about mental health more? What were some baby steps that you took?

KML: If I can just inspire even one person, it’s really worth it for me. I know some people say, “Therapy’s so expensive. That’s not accessible for me.” But there’s so much more information out there. Going to therapy after the breakup was literally only, I would say, 5-10% of the time. The [rest of the time], I watched a lot of YouTube, read a lot of books, [and listened to] podcasts. There’s just so much information out there. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post ‘Bling Empire’ Star Kelly Mi Li Says Therapy Is One of the Best Things to Happen to Her appeared first on Wondermind.