Q&A Link Copied 11.23.22

Akintoye Asalu Opens up About Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Making Life Less Complicated

The TikTok star and rapper talked to Wondermind about his latest album, ‘Anxiety & Circumstance.’ ByShannon Barbour

TikTok #FYP mainstay Akintoye Asalu has proven his lyrical chops with viral raps—like the one about having plans when you’re broke that hit way too close to home. In September, the Toronto-based rapper released his latest album, Anxiety & Circumstance, and it’s packed with messages that help amplify and destigmatize the topic of mental health. 

“This album is one of my attempts at shifting the conversation around,” he tells Wondermind. “Hopefully, people can look at me and what I got going on and be like, ‘OK, this is a guy that I think is interesting, and he seems like he’s doing OK for himself and is open about the fact that he deals with this thing.’” Here, Asalu talked through tracks like “Complicated” and “Bad Day Ballad” to share what his mental health journey has been like, from immigrating to Canada to the moment he realized life can be peaceful. 

[This interview originally appeared in a September 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.] 

WM: Your new album is filled with messages about mental health. Can you share more about the album and the meaning behind the title?  

Akintoye Asalu: I deal with very, very severe anxiety, and I have for years. Even figuring out that’s what it was was a long process that took years and years—it wasn’t until I was around 20 years old that I even found out. Even once I was told, I wasn’t really understanding. And then figuring out how to accept that this is a part of my life has been a very strenuous process. 

It’s all rooted in anxiety. Some of the themes are broader and applied to just every anxiety and everybody’s life, but most of it is very specific to the life that I’m living. I do feel like this album was very therapeutic for me. The idea was every verse I’m writing, I’m not necessarily writing it for somebody else to listen to. It almost felt like I was writing it for myself. It felt like I was documenting all the sorts of things I’ve come to terms with as far as realizing this is gonna be a part of my life, and processing why certain things feel the way they do, and holding myself accountable in certain aspects, and talking about how it affected my friendships and my family. 

WM: What songs on the album stand out to you as ones that capture those feelings?

AA: Today, the second to last song is really hitting for me. It’s called “Complicated,” and it’s spawned from a conversation I had with a musician friend of mine. He was saying life doesn’t have to be that complicated. We were talking about panic attacks and how to manage them and just [a] general anxiety conversation, ’cause we’ve been through a similar experience. He was saying the way that he sort of made life bearable is by not allowing it to become complicated.

I often have to answer the question: “What’s your story, and how did you get to where you’re at?” I find myself sitting down and telling my story, but I do kind of leave out this part of the struggles that I went through over the course of my life and I kind of focus on the highlights of it. 

I find that’s almost a way that I try to make things not as complicated without knowing that’s what I was doing. Whether or not that’s healthy, that’s a different question [laughs]. But yeah, “Complicated” is hitting for me right now just ’cause I’m starting to see it tangibly in everyday life even without knowing I’ve been trying to make things less complicated for myself. I just need to have better control over how I do that and be more intentional with how I make my life less complicated. 

WM: You also have “Bad Day Ballad,” which talks about going to therapy. Can you share a bit about your therapy journey?

AA: I was originally born in Nigeria. I moved to Canada in ’09. I was right around 9 years old, about to turn 10, and I didn’t really know that we were moving. It was kind of like, “Oh, guess what? We live here now.” And I was like, “OK [laughs].” So I didn’t really have anybody around—there were no older cousins. I’m the oldest sibling. There wasn’t anybody I could go to for guidance on anything. 

When you come from a chaotic place, such as Nigeria, and then you come here and things are just entirely different, navigating that process is very, very anxiety-inducing. And I made some horrible decisions and put myself in some traumatic situations. A whole lot of things went on over the course of my life. 

I tried to keep it pushing ’cause I figured, Oh, it’s life. Life is not gonna be easy. It is what it is. By the time I got to college, I remember sitting in exam rooms—and I didn’t know what they were at the time—but I remember sitting in exam rooms and my vision would start going a little blurry and all of a sudden I can’t breathe and I feel myself getting cold, but I’m also hot and I’m sweating and nauseous. It was at the point where the [supervisor] had to take me outside so I could go to the bathroom and throw up and come back and then they took me outside again so I could breathe and get some air.

I didn’t know what it was. I was just like, Oh, I just get stressed out over exams; everybody gets stressed. I initially tried to go get counseling ’cause my school offered free counseling. Unfortunately, the counselor I got was not very good. They just had a pamphlet, and they were like, “You’ll be alright. Here you go.” So I was like, OK, that’s fine. So I will be alright. I’ll figure it out.

A couple more years went by, and it just got worse and worse and worse. It was to the point where it was the last week of my junior year of school, and I literally did not sleep for about six days straight. Just did not fall asleep. I was having constant panic attacks over the course of the week, and it was exhausting and destroying me. 

So I decided at that point I needed to do something [laughs]. That is the worst it’s ever been. I couldn’t function. I literally couldn’t live. Going outside, I felt like I was overstimulated—everything just felt like it set me off. I felt like I was always just tip-toeing the line, and I was on the brink of just having a meltdown. So I decided I’m gonna go back to counseling again and see what happens this time.

I got lucky. I actually got a great counselor, and he detailed what a panic disorder is and broke it down for me. And he really was a lifesaver ’cause I know without him, life would’ve been increasingly difficult. 

I ended up taking a year off of school because I was like, Alright, I need to figure this out and recover and put myself in situations where I can heal and somewhat feel OK. The year I took off of school, things were actually going great. … Then COVID happened that year. It actually ended up being a good thing for me ’cause it felt like there was a little less stimulus, like the world was a little quieter. I didn’t realize that was a thing [that affected me] until I was able to step away from the hustle and bustle of everything going on in school and at work. Once I was able to step away and just be by myself, I started to realize, Oh my goodness, it is possible to feel peaceful.

Over the course of COVID, I ended up going back for my last year of school, and it was online, and it was smooth. … Once I started to understand myself, it’s almost like a new dimension of existence opened up in my brain. Now I’m able to identify my triggers. If I feel myself starting to spiral, I know how to catch myself. I’m just doing way better overall as far as being able to manage it.

WM: What are some of the coping skills or self-soothing skills that help you when you’re starting to panic or when you’re in the midst of a panic attack?

AA: The most important one for me is breathing. I’m an asthmatic, so chest tightness and uncomfortability breathing is very common for me. It’s difficult to catch your breath when you literally have a hard time breathing. So breathing’s been the most important one for me, making sure I got my inhaler on me, and making sure I’m monitoring how my breathing is—even when I’m not very anxious. 

Another one is I physically lay down and spread myself out on the ground. I find that’s the easiest way for me to ground myself. And also realizing that it’s OK for me to entirely remove myself from [triggering situations] was a game-changer for me. 

I still have days where as soon as I wake up, I’m off the wall, like it’s a horrible day from the beginning. But I’ve learned that, for the most part, I’m able to catch it before it gets too terrible. If the self-soothing stuff doesn’t work the way I want it to work, I’m also starting to get used to forgiving myself, because I’m very hard on myself. After going through a panic attack or an episode of whatever people may be dealing with, it’s easy to beat yourself up about it and feel like you’re broken and unfixable. I’m getting better at being able to look at myself and say, “You know what? That’s OK. That’s going to happen. That’s a part of how this process works, and you’re gonna be fine.”

WM: What helped you make the decision to take a year off school?

AA: I realized that if I force myself to be in this position and do this thing that I’m not ready to do, the reward isn’t going to be proper or feel tangible. If I forced myself to go back and finish that last year of school, maybe I could’ve gotten through it, but I would’ve been in pieces by the end of it. I started telling myself, “What good is it to have this end goal if you don’t reach it in a healthy way?” If I make it to the end of school, yeah I have a degree, but I’m literally incapable of functioning. What’s the point of the degree if I can’t take it and do anything with it? If I can’t even exist in the spaces where I want it to be useful? 

I was tough ’cause having to explain that to family was not easy. My friends weren’t that big of a deal—they understood. I’m lucky I have really good friends. It was a tough process, but I just had to tell myself over and over again to make the decision that’s best for me. There is no rule that says you can’t resume the things you wanted to do once you’re in a better position.

WM: If you could give yourself a pep talk right now, what would you say?

AA: Well, I do have a little bit of anxiety about the album coming out tonight, I’ve been holding on to it for so many months, it feels like I’m sending my child off to like college. But I’d say everything’s gonna be OK. And you work hard, and you’ve been working hard your whole life, especially the last few months and the last couple of years. There’s no universe where the hard work doesn’t turn into something good. You work. You know what you’re doing. You know what you’ve done. You got your people with you. They know what you’re doing. They know what you’ve done. There’s no way this goes bad. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Akintoye Asalu Opens up About Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Making Life Less Complicated appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 11.16.22

We Talked to Emulsify About Art, Abortion Access, and Immigration Status

The artist got real about how immigration, pregnancy, and working in reproductive justice impacts their mental health. ByShannon Barbour

It’s no secret that American politics continue to be a hot mess complete with threats to reproductive rights. To do their part, artist and activist Emulsify teamed up with The Center for Cultural Power, which amplifies artists and the issues they’re passionate about, to continue creating art that educates and empowers. Here, the illustrator behind the What’s an Abortion Anyway? children’s book talks to Wondermind about the mental health impact of bodily autonomy and immigration, the excitement of choosing to be pregnant, and the tough emotions that can come up when starting therapy. 

[Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.]

WM: What’s invigorating you lately? 

Emulsify: I’ve been giving a lot of attention to two different things: A lot of my work intersects with the reproductive justice movement: I’ve been a trained abortion doula since 2016 and am part of a doula collective, and I make art about abortion access and reproductive justice. As a collective, we’ve been developing a support hotline for folks who are undergoing a medication abortion. 

I’m also six months pregnant, so that’s been taking up a lot of my intellectual and emotional energy. It’s been awesome getting to learn with my body and witness all the physical and spiritual and emotional changes that my body is going through. [And I’m] just processing that I’m going to have a tiny person in this world that I will be responsible for and that I will be forming a bond with. [Editor’s note: Emulsify gave birth in November 2022.]

WM: Can you talk about those emotional changes you’re experiencing during pregnancy? 

Emulsify: As someone who is in the reproductive justice field and primarily focuses on abortion, it’s been really affirming to be pregnant and to understand what this feels like, given that I am choosing to be pregnant and that this is something that I want. [Along with the joy], there’s definitely been a lot of struggles. My mood changes, and it’s affected my mental health. I can’t rely on the same coping mechanisms that I used to. I was a huge weed smoker before I was pregnant; that was one of the main ways I coped with anxiety and depression. 

And while I feel connected to [my body], there are parts that I also feel disconnected to. Yesterday I was talking to a friend at the beach about how the body holds trauma and how intergenerational trauma is passed down in our bodies. It can be hard to connect with that knowledge and how my body’s also been passing down the knowledge of how to make a baby and what changes need to happen. … [The changes have] just been happening, but it allows me to feel present in my body, which is something that I’ve struggled with in the past. I dissociate a lot, so it’s been nice to welcome that and find new coping mechanisms and new ways of adjusting to the changes in my brain. 

WM: What was getting diagnosed with anxiety and depression like for you?

Emulsify: I am an immigrant and migrated here when I was seven with my mom. We came here from Ecuador, and I think migration can be really traumatizing, especially coming to the United States. I grew up undocumented for most of my life. When we moved here, we were coming to meet my dad, and my mom found herself in an abusive relationship. It shifted my life in so many ways that impacted my mental health. 

I was a young person who was given much more responsibility than most young people should have. I was doing a lot of caretaking for my mom, and I was a big [source of] emotional support for her—she was a young mom who got pregnant at 19 and had me at 20. So while we were very close, sometimes the lines were kind of blurry, and I grew up very anxious; I think I was depressed for most of my teens and early adulthood. Being undocumented was a big factor in that, particularly once I was older and felt the impact of not being able to get a license or apply to the schools that I wanted to go to, not being able to travel, and just feeling all these limitations and witnessing how it impacted my parents.

Around 22 or 23 years old, I went to therapy for the first time, and that was hard…because I was the first person in my family to go. It’s affirming when someone’s like, “Yeah, shit’s really fucked up for you.” But also, you don’t really want that affirmation. At least, I didn’t want that. It almost made things very real. I began feeling a lot of emotions that I had pushed [though] and ignored. 

A couple years after starting therapy, I graduated college and started my first full-time job in the city. I was doing all these great things, and I was feeling really shitty. I had a breakdown; I was exhausted.

Eventually, I collapsed and couldn’t push forward. I was hospitalized for a week for exhaustion and depression, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Receiving that diagnosis has been an interesting journey because for so long, I wanted my therapist to be like, “This is what you have,” so I could read a book and be like, “OK, how do I fix it?” 

From there, I was given a lot of prescriptions…and I spent two years trying to figure my way out through meds, which wasn’t a successful journey for me. … Around the same time, I started developing a consistent art practice…and processing feelings through my art, like immigration status. Through my art, I found other people who felt like me or shared similar experiences with me and found my art healing and helpful. That was affirming and gave me an opportunity to develop it in a practice that felt like therapy in a way. 

WM: Which piece of art helped you the most with your mental health?

Emulsify: One piece has a dark blue background and an affirmation that’s yellow and very bright. It says, “Even in the darkest times I have the capacity to find light within myself.” That was one of my early pieces, and I felt connected to it because…I am an anxious person. For me, that means I struggle with suicidal ideation. When something grabs me, I feel devastated—it could really be all I see. That affirmation has been helpful for me in being able to remember the simple things around me that are good and point toward the light.

WM: Going back to your work in reproductive justice, how do you think destigmatizing abortion intersects with mental health? 

Emulsify: I connect it to bodily autonomy and having the agency to tell someone how we feel and have that be received and believed and not questioned…that can be instrumental in not being traumatized. The moments that have been the most traumatizing for me have been when I have felt a certain way and nothing around me affirmed or reflected that. 

When people know that’s the decision they want to make with their body and they want to end their pregnancy and need an abortion, it’s important that there is a system of support for them that is not there to judge them or to question them. [It should be] to offer support and to facilitate whatever needs to happen to make access to abortion safe and not make them feel bad for those decisions. 

I’ve never had an abortion…and I want to honor that I can’t speak from that specific experience, but talking about abortion and normalizing it and destigmatizing it allows more people to feel more empowered in making those decisions. Being able to choose and do what you want with your body is directly connected to how you feel in it. Destigmatizing abortion goes hand in hand with supporting people being their best selves and taking care of their mental health.

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post We Talked to Emulsify About Art, Abortion Access, and Immigration Status appeared first on Wondermind.