Stories Link Copied 12.17.24

7 Rules for a Less Chaotic December

“The holidays don’t need to be elaborate and grandiose. Sometimes they can just be.” ByEli Rallo

In December, I think a lot about the lyrics of the Christmas carols playing on the radio, inside CVS, and anywhere else you turn. From, “There’s no place like home for the holidays,” to, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” there’s so much sentimental jollyness. With all that cheer in the ether, it can seem impossible to experience any emotion other than joy and delight. 

But, for many, December isn’t joyful or delightful. It can be overwhelming, painful, and come with a heightened sense of loneliness, loss, or gloom clinging to the chill in the air. 

If you can relate, the enhanced joy of others can actually exacerbate your feelings of dread or sadness. A dark sense of guilt often accompanies this—covering us like ivy on a cold brick building. How could we possibly feel so out of control in a time that’s so merry and bright? What’s wrong with us?

I get that. And if you know me, you know that I ground myself through lists of rules and reminders to keep me going when I’m overwhelmed or feeling down. This time of year is no different. Here are my rules for getting through this chaotic, joyful, cozy, and occasionally heartbreaking season. I hope it helps you too.

1. Count memories, not calories. 

This rule is a welcome reminder, one that encourages me not to slip back into the old habits that have clouded my memories of holiday seasons past. There was certainly a time in my life when I ruined celebrations and entire holiday seasons by over-scrutinizing and over-analyzing my body. I added to the chaos by restricting food at parties and family gatherings, punishing myself for enjoying a meal with hours of exercise, and making myself miserable. I couldn’t see food as the fuel my body deserved and required to function properly. 

In reality, opportunities to enjoy sweet treats and family meals are part of the charm. These days, prioritizing time with family, friends, and great food instead of agonizing over calories and restricting myself throughout the holiday season is my goal. 

2. Make a movie bucket list.

Sometimes it feels too overwhelming to even approach the idea of creating holiday magic. As you watch your days blur by and scroll through what seems like everyone ice skating, making gingerbread houses, and going to tree lightings in festive outfits, that can leave you with FOMO. 

But the truth is, you really don’t need much to muster up holiday joy and cheer—and you don’t even need to leave home. Instead, make a bucket list of all your favorite, nostalgic holiday movies (plus a few new ones just for good measure), light a pine-scented candle, cuddle up on the couch with some holiday cookies, and take a trip down memory lane. 

3. Set New Year’s aspirations.

Remembering the New Year’s resolutions you never followed through on is another troubling sign that we’ve reached the end of the year. As is the looming dread of inevitably making new ones. 

I’ve always found the word “resolution” to be so heavy. To resolve to do something almost represents a level of certainty or severity—you resolve to complete it. When life gets in the way, you feel unaccomplished. A loser, a failure, a flop—unable to complete even the simplest of resolutions. 

Truth is, life happens. Years are hard. Priorities become unmanageable, and it’s OK if you don’t cross those resolutions off your to-do list. That’s why I prefer to set New Year’s aspirations, or tangible and accessible ways I aspire to elevate my life and the reality of my day-to-day. 

For example, instead of resolving to go to the gym five times a week, I aspire to move my body in a way that feels good to me as often as I can. Or, I aspire to care for myself before I take on the task of worrying about my loved ones. When I aspire to make changes rather than resolving to make them, I don’t beat myself up if it doesn’t happen. I can just carry that aspiration from one year to the next. I can also let go of the aspirations I no longer crave. 

4. Make a new playlist.

There’s absolutely nothing like a fresh playlist to cure a funk. Music (or, more specifically, a soundtrack for my life) always makes unmanageable times feel less intense. I’m transported through the lyrics or melodies of my favorite artist’s music. That’s why making a new playlist for this hectic time of year has become part of my routine. It’s a blank slate for creativity. 

When I’m making a playlist of my own, I typically reference the thousands of playlists made by other users on the streaming platform as inspo. Then, I start adding songs that elevate my mood or make me feel excited and inspired. Finally, I give it over to the algorithm to add some similar songs and find new sounds. Whether or not you add Christmas music is totally up to you, but if it were me, a few holiday songs never hurt. 

5. Reflect, refresh, rejoice. 

In order to truly enjoy the holidays, you’re probably going to need a little prep work. This time of year is a marathon—not a sprint. And, in my experience, breathing, resetting, and refreshing yourself before diving in is the best way to regulate your nervous system so you can get to the good part (and not crash out five minutes into the holiday party). 

First, reflect. My favorite way to do this is using a notebook or journal to think about what went right today, what went wrong, and how tomorrow can be better. Especially this time of year, this simple prompt helps me re-prioritize and reminds me of what is most important. 

After reflecting, we need a refresh. The goal of the refresh, in whatever form it takes, is to get into a calm and serene place before you take on the chaos of the world around you. A good example of this is taking The Shower (colloquially known as an “everything shower”). But you could also do something else that makes you feel fresh and new and helps you calm down. You can get a haircut, buy that new sweater, or get a manicure. 

Once the reflecting and refreshing is done, you’ll feel more available for the rejoicing—the best part of all. Self-care is community care. When you prioritize yourself and your needs, you make yourself available for enjoying and spending time with loved ones. When you’re recharged for special holiday moments, you’ll be in the right mindset for whatever holiday chaos ensues. 

6. Just finish.

Over the course of the next few weeks you may hear people say things like, “Finish strong!” or “Finish out the year on a good note!” Though I appreciate what they’re saying, I think we need to reinforce the idea that finishing the year at all is worth celebrating. You survived it. Lived through it. Got through 100% of the days of this year—and you will again. Finish mediocre, finish slow, just finish. You can do this. 

7. Go see the lights and drink hot cocoa.

One of my favorite traditions is too simple and too lovely to pass up. All you need to do is get some delicious hot cocoa from a local spot (or make your own) and go spectate the holiday lights and decor. Find the best lights! Listen to holiday music! Hold hands with people you care about! The holidays don’t need to be elaborate and grandiose. Sometimes they can just be.

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5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues

Whether the criticism is coming from yourself or a judgey relative, here’s how to help silence them. ByAnna Borges

As a person with a history of body image issues, I always brace for the usual suspects when looking at old holiday pictures—judgmental thoughts about my appearance, embarrassment about how I looked compared to others, and maybe even some frustration over how much my body has changed since then. But the main thing I feel? Bummed. Because…well, I’m not in that many photos at all. And despite all my past fears that Future Me would cringe at the snapshots later, it turns out my biggest regret isn’t about how I looked—it’s about the memories I missed out on making because I was so caught up in self-criticism.

I’m sure I’m not the only one whose festivities are regularly weighed down by discomfort and insecurity. “We live in a world with so much shame, and that does not stop over the holidays,” says Ally Duvall, senior program development lead at Equip and self-proclaimed fat activist. If anything, she notes, it often ramps way up—whether it’s your mom commenting on your weight, a guest saying how “bad” they’re being as they get a slice of pie, or your own inner monologue critiquing how you measure up to last year’s resolutions. And don’t even get us started on all that unhelpful “New Year, New Me” messaging. 

To help you navigate this season’s many body image traps, we asked experts to share some reminders that can ground you, push back against the noise, or simply give you permission to feel however you feel. Of course, like our bodies themselves, the exact message we need to hear will be unique to each of us. So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and—most importantly—remember that you (and your body) deserve kindness all year round.

1. Your appearance is not the most interesting thing about you.

The way you look might feel like the center of attention during the holidays, when family photos, social media posts, and unsolicited comments about appearances seem to be everywhere. But the truth is, what you see in the mirror says so little about who you are or the impact you have on the people around you.

“If you asked the people you love to name ten things they value about you, I can almost guarantee your body wouldn’t make the list,” Duvall says. “So why is it taking up so much space on yours? There’s so much more to who you are—you’re a complex, unique, and wonderful being.” 

When you catch yourself giving your appearance #1 billing in your mind, Duvall recommends interrupting the spiral out loud—say, by listing other things you love about yourself. But no need to whip out positive affirmations if they feel unnatural. Neutral statements—like, My body is the least interesting thing about me—work just as well, she says. 

2. You—and your body—have unique needs.

Holiday gatherings are rife with opportunities for comparison: how much others are eating, what they’re wearing, how effortlessly they seem to embody holiday cheer. “First, don’t blame yourself—a lot of comparisons happen automatically,” says Brittney Lauro, LCSW, lead therapist and clinical supervisor at Equip. 

That said, you don’t want to take comparisons at face value. For one, we rarely have enough information to draw meaningful conclusions in the first place. “At the end of the day, we’re only around people for a snapshot of their day,” Lauro explains. “We don’t know their full story, just like they don’t know ours.” For example, you might find yourself feeling self-conscious after noticing someone’s half-filled plate—but maybe they ate before coming, don’t like the food, or have their own dietary restrictions or relationship with eating that you’re not privy to.

Instead of fixating on what others are doing, remind yourself that your needs are valid and unique. “It’s wonderful that you’re eating more or differently than others because those are your needs in the moment,” Lauro says. And it’s not just about physical nourishment—enjoying “fun” foods can meet emotional needs, too, she adds, which helps you connect with the experience and savor the holiday. The same goes for stepping away from the action, choosing an outfit that feels comfortable, or sitting far away from your judgey Aunt Karen.

3. There’s no right way to respond to inappropriate comments.

Unfortunately, body image conversations don’t just live in your head—sometimes they come from those around you. From backhanded compliments to unsolicited advice, you might find yourself stuck in a conversation wondering WTF to say. The good news? There are many different ways to respond, and you can choose whatever feels right to you. “It all depends on context, like your relationship with the person, your comfort level with certain topics, and what you want to get into in that moment,” Duvall says. 

Generally, though, Lauro and Duvall both recommend having a few phrases up your sleeve—and practicing them ahead of time. These could include setting a firm boundary (“Let’s not talk about my appearance”), redirecting the conversation (“I think what you mean is you’re happy to see me—how’s work going?”), or even calling the comment out and starting a dialogue (“I’m curious why you feel the need to comment on other people’s bodies.”). Or you might prep a plan of action instead of a script…like how you’ll excuse yourself if the conversation gets too overwhelming. 

4. You don’t need to “earn” your food—or anything else you want.

The holidays are prime time for the idea that enjoyment has to come with conditions—especially when it comes to food. Whether it’s skipping meals to “save” calories, getting pressured into doing a holiday 5K before the festivities begin, or saying, “I’ll need to work this off later,” the message that you need to balance indulgence with restriction is everywhere. And it doesn’t stop at food. This mindset can creep into other areas too, like telling yourself you can only wear a special outfit, pose in pics, or participate in a tradition if you hit a certain goal.

So, in case you need to hear it, “you absolutely deserve to eat and enjoy your food—and every other part of the holiday,” says Lauro. What’s more, the rules and bargains you make with yourself can backfire. “If we’re entering the holiday with a scarcity mindset, we’re actually setting ourselves up to feel more out of control when we have access to the things we’re avoiding,” she explains. In other words, instead of freeing you to enjoy the day “without guilt,” you’ll probably wind up even more preoccupied with food or your body.

5. You can ditch old traditions that no longer serve you. 

Let’s be real: Too many holiday traditions revolve around food, family gatherings, and other elements that can feel overwhelming or stressful if you’re struggling with your body image or relationship with eating. While it’s OK to hope for a time when you feel more at ease with these traditions, it’s just as valid to acknowledge that you might not be there yet—and to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, Lauro says.

Instead of forcing yourself to participate in traditions that feel uncomfortable, Lauro and Duvall recommend giving yourself permission to create new ones that bring you peace, joy, comfort, or whatever else you need this year. You might start a holiday movie marathon, host a cozy crafting night with friends, or volunteer at a local organization to connect with your community.

Whatever you decide—or whatever the season has in store for you anyway—one last reminder: You got this. “You’ve already made it through so many hard things, and you’ll make it through the holidays too,” Duvall says.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, visit equip.health for more information on eating disorders and their virtual treatment.

The post 5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 12.09.24

I’ll Be Sober for Christmas

This is how I do the holidays without drinking and have a better time than ever. ByWill Ganss

Let me start by saying that I really love the holiday season. We’re talking Mariah-Carey levels of yuletide devotion here. Not that you’re asking, but here are some quick Christmas credentials for you: 

• I have flown across the country to visit the world’s largest ugly Christmas sweater (big enough for the Statue of Liberty to wear). Yes, I climbed inside of it.
• I’ve worn a Buddy the Elf costume atop the Empire State Building.
• I live in a typically tiny New York City apartment, but I’m rocking around two full-sized Christmas trees in my living room this time of the year. 
• I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana for the sole purpose of telling you that I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana. 

So I hope you’ll believe me when I say that I thought I had achieved peak Christmas spirit. Like the Claus-o-meter on Santa’s sleigh (See: the last five minutes of Elf), there was simply no way for my world to get more twinkly, more jingly, or more jolly. 

But, ho-ho-hold up. Turns out, I was wrong. A few years ago, I unwrapped the gift of sobriety, put alcohol on the naughty list, and suddenly the entire holiday season hit a new level of tinsel-tinged love-fest, one I assumed only happened to George Bailey on the silver screen. 

But ditching the drink this time of year is no reindeer game. It’s tough work. While most of us can do Dry January, especially after the celebrations have worn us out, the holidays are a fizzy-fueled, boozy, bubbly affair. 

Exhibit A: During my first Thanksgiving home as a sober person, my dad cracked open a gorgeous bottle of wine and hosted a mini-tasting at the dinner table. My newly sober fingers gripped a can of LaCroix with the intensity of the Grinch lugging all of the Christmas crap up Mount Crumpit. And yet, I made it through that dinner… and several holiday seasons since.

In my opinion, sobriety during the holidays is a lot like the end of Home Alone. After planes, pains, and automobile rides with the Polka King of the Midwest, there’s nothing like returning home to yourself, to your family, and to the season that makes life a little more sparkly. Sure, there’s always a Wet Bandit or two ready to throw you off, but with enough preparation, you’ll defend your sobriety the way Kevin has the McAllister house on lockdown (no swinging paint cans required).

Here are the biggest lessons I’ve learned about spending the holidays sober. Please enjoy this list, I’ve checked it twice.

1. Being sober helps me focus on the good stuff.

I understand why drinking this time of the year escalates. We’re feeling festive, we’re feeling flirty, we’re blunting the painfully awkward small talk with extended family, the list could go on forever. 

But in sobriety, I’ve learned I can experience all the best parts of the season more fully: the closeness to family and friends, the ability to express my love for them, the peace of cold winter nights I crave all year long, the levity of an ugly sweater party without crushing hangxiety. The nostalgia of all this, which meant so much to me as a kid, feels like a gift in itself. 

Don’t get me wrong. Deleting the alcohol also means raw dogging all the tough parts too. There’s no trap door to exit an awkward conversation with your uncle. There’s no numbing the feeling of grief that pops up when you take stock of the loved ones who are no longer with us around the holidays. But when there’s nothing between you and the magic of the season, you’re bound to feel so much more of the good stuff too.

2. Nonalcoholic liquid courage gets the job done.

OK, this might be obvious, but if I’m going to a work holiday party, a college friend’s ugly sweater get-together, or whatever, keeping a beverage in my hand at all times throughout the event serves many purposes.

Sure, an emotional support bevvie whilst sober keeps people from asking if I need a drink. But it has other secret powers, especially at a holiday shindig. You can take a sip when there’s a lull in the conversation or use it as an excuse to leave a boring one (“I’m gonna go get a refill!”). You can use it for toasts and holiday hear-hearing. You’ll feel included, ready to participate in festivities, and less physically awkward (“I don’t know what to do with my hands!”). What can’t she do?

3. There’s always a vibe shift.

There’s that moment in every holiday party when the vibe shifts. It’s usually subtle. Someone starts repeating a story they told you an hour ago. Someone’s hand lingers a little too long after a hug. Someone else starts crying. That’s when I make like Kevin McAllister and go Home Alone. 

The holidays are already an exhausting season, and our shiny, sober selves don’t need the added strain of witnessing Deb from accounting barf up eggnog at the holiday party. When I get the sense that things are taking a turn, here are my excuses to jet:

• I’m taking photos for my holiday card tomorrow, and I want to look fresh.
• I’m volunteering in the morning, so I gotta appear charitable and fresh-faced bright and early.
• Family is coming into town—and I don’t want to host them hungover.
• I’m a grown man, and I don’t need to explain myself to you, Ted. 

4. No party is more important than my mental and physical health.

As someone who spent a majority of my late 20s and early 30s single, I have felt especially uncomfortable in rooms where everyone else is coupled up. Those feelings of insecurity can easily turn into whispers of, Grab a drink. It’ll help relax you. Those were the parties I skipped—even the holiday ones.

Doing holiday events in an election year is also triggering. For example, I have extended family members who are on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me. While some of them can delicately acknowledge that, others cannot. Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned that it’s not worth risking my sobriety for a gift exchange with relatives who want to convince me that my views about my own humanity are incorrect. Instead, I send my regrets and a lovely basket of peppermint bark. 

My takeaway here is that not everyone deserves access to me—especially if they’re going to jeopardize this commitment I’ve made to my health this holiday season. To quote the Grinch, “6:30. Dinner with me. I can’t cancel that again!”

5. Non-drinking activities create nostalgic memories.

Traditionally, the holidays are a time to sit around, yap, and drink. So I have found that planning activities that don’t revolve around drinking is a great way to start new traditions that make me feel nostalgic for years to come. 

Last year, my parents, brother, and I did an escape room together over the winter break, and we still talk about the fun we had. There’s another tradition we’ve incorporated called The Peppermint Pig. We buy a pig literally made of peppermint about the size of a TV remote, and take turns sharing a favorite memory of the year gone by. After that, we take a tiny hammer and crack the pig. Once we’re all caught up on the moments that meant the most to us over the last year, we’ve got bite-sized pieces of peppermint to share. We’ve also become partial to games like Loaded Questions, Code Names, or card games like Five Crowns and Pass The Trash. 

Since getting sober, I was surprised at how rewarding it is to spend time with my family outside of just drinking and yapping. Because this time of year is steeped in tradition, it’s lovely to look back at photos and remind myself of all the fun we had and all the special memories we created that have nothing to do with booze. For me, it’s comparable to reflecting on my childhood Christmases, but even more gratifying because I had a hand in making these memories happen. 

6. Releasing the relationships that aren’t working is a gift to myself.

I assumed that, when I stopped drinking, each of my friendships, relationships, and acquaintanceships would magically improve without the blurred lines that come with a couple vodka cranberries. And my good friendships did level up. I was able to show up as a better friend, son, brother, boyfriend, whatever. But those wobbly relationships, especially the ones centered on drinking together, sort of faded. 

This time of year, embracing that fact can feel like a big relief. It clears space on my social calendar and makes room for people who are aligned with my values now. You don’t realize how stressful a forced friendship is until you let it go. 

7. I’m so proud of everyone else on this journey too.

As we settle into my very favorite season of the year, here’s to you, my sweet, sober snowman or snowwoman. Reach out to a fellow non-drinker if you have any questions or need any support. Whatever your reason for taking a little break (or a forever break) from drinking, I’m proud of you for deciding to upgrade your life in this way. You can do it!

The post I’ll Be Sober for Christmas appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By

Because you probably don’t really care how someone’s work is going—do you? ByCarolyn Todd

Want to know the secret ingredient for feeling less awkward and more outgoing at pretty much any social gathering? No, it’s not alcohol—it’s a running list of deep conversation starters that will get people talking, sharing, and connecting.   

“I recommend having a few stored in your back pocket that you can turn to when the conversation runs dry or broaches a topic that feels controversial,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. Ideally, you want prompts and questions that are “simultaneously a safe bet, and also interesting,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

So, what are questions that can take you beyond the usual pleasantries when you’re seated next to somebody you don’t know that well? How can you redirect someone when they broach a hot-button political issue? And what are ways to start a conversation that actually creates a deeper connection, instead of just passing the time? 

For answers, we turned to some professionals who literally make a living getting people to open up: therapists. They shared their favorite deep questions and conversation starters (or conversation changers) that you can keep handy this small-talk season. 

And before we get to their suggestions, here’s one bonus pro tip that several of our experts offered: Be prepared to share answers to these deep conversation starters yourself—or even go first. People generally respond better when you lead with a little self-disclosure upfront, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

1. What were some of your favorite memories from the year?

“A great place to start, this question can spark meaningful exchanges that don’t feel overly personal. People love sharing highlights!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

2. Does your family have any fun or meaningful traditions? 

“Most everyone has a meaningful or quirky holiday tradition to share, and this lets them tell the story. They can reveal as much or as little as they’d like and then compare their experiences with others. Not everyone has good memories of past holidays, though, and if this comes up you can easily change the question to ‘What tradition would you like to start?’” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

3. What’s one thing you’ve overcome that you feel really proud of?

“One of my favorites for going deeper is giving people the opportunity to share a challenge they’ve overcome. Questions like this steer people away from the danger zones, like politics, and can really humanize people. It lets them share something real that they’ve grown from. You can follow up with, ‘Well, how did you do it? Did you overcome it the first time? Did you have to keep trying?’ We all have these stories because we’ve all had tough things in our lives—even the most brilliant, successful people on the planet.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

4. What’s something you’ve recommended to friends recently—like a recipe, movie, book, or show?

“People enjoy sharing their favorite finds and this question can help you find common ground.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

5. What’s the worst holiday present you’ve ever received? 

“Humor is a great way to bond, so asking about the worst presents can make for fun conversational exchanges. As long as your giver isn’t in the room, sharing with others about unique or irreverent gifts can lend a lot of laughter to festive occasions.” —Deborah Serani, PsyD. a psychologist based in Smithtown, New York and professor at Adelphi University

6. What’s been bringing you joy lately? 

“This is the other side of the spectrum. Asking somebody what’s bringing them joy recently is a way of having a shared experience with the person. Because when we dip into our joy reservoirs internally, it’s something that you want to share with another person. More often than not, they’re going to want to hear about the glimmers of joy that are happening in your life, too.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

7. What’s something you learned this year that surprised you?

“Us therapists love a deep chat, but I like this one because it allows the other person to pick if they want to answer in a funny light-hearted way or if they want an opportunity for vulnerability and self-reflection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

8. What movie never fails to make you cry? (And why?)  

“Many people have difficulty talking about emotions, especially crying, but this question provides just enough distance to let their guard down. Most people can relate to movie-inspired tears and say the great acting or powerful story was the real source. The follow-up question allows a person to be a bit more vulnerable if they’d like, sharing how they relate to the story.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

9. How have you been feeling?

“I don’t love the standard ‘How are you?’ because people tend to just say ‘OK’ or ‘fine.’ And neither of those are actual emotions. So I like to ask how they feel. I mean, there’s a reason my book is called that! The question makes people actually pause, hear you, and respond with an actual emotion instead of kind of blowing the question off.”  —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

10. What is one thing you changed your mind about this year?

“This question encourages self-reflection and deeper conversations. It’s also great for shifting the focus from surface-level chatter to something more engaging, and people can choose the level of vulnerability with which they want to approach this question.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

11. What niche hobbies or interests are you really into these days? 

“​​This is a good one if the conversation is turning to politics, because most people do like to talk about themselves. I like to find something that the person is interested in or pretty good at and ask questions about it—like how they got into it or what keeps them going. If you turn the conversation to something they love and give them space to talk about it, they’ll often be happy to change the topic and go a little bit deeper.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

12. What’s something you’re really proud of that isn’t work-related?

“If you get bored to tears by the ‘What do you do?’ small talk, then this convo starter is great for you! Plus it invites the other person to share something personal and meaningful beyond professional success, which allows for a deeper understanding and connection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

13. What are you hopeful about next year?

“Hope and optimism can be powerful antidotes to stress or tension. This question can generate uplifting conversations and open the door to checking in and supporting each other throughout the year.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

14. If money and time were not a factor, what passion would you pursue?

“This question taps into a person’s deeper desires, and by removing time and money barriers they can really let their dreams go wild. Some people reveal an unfulfilled wish, others may talk about charitable work or time with friends and family. It’s a low-stakes question that allows someone to imagine their best life, and you can learn something about them along the way.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

15. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

“Laughter is a quick connector, and this question can lead to lighthearted storytelling or even shared humor (a great litmus test for friendship compatibility!).” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

16. Tell me about a meaningful or surreal experience that you’ll never forget.

“It moves people into reminiscing and savoring past experiences. Also, if you’re in conversation with people that you already know pretty well, there are always pockets of experience that you haven’t actually told each other about. You may not know how a close family member would answer this question.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

17. Tell me a high and low from your day/week.  

“I like this better than ‘How was your day?’ Because usually when we ask that, people think we want to hear about only one or the other, the positive or the negative. If it’s someone you’re close to, they might tell you only the bad things. Or if it’s someone you don’t know as well, they might tell you only the good things. Asking it this way gives them an opportunity to share about both sides and kind of forces a balance.” —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

18. Which fictional character do you think you’d get along with in real life?

“This is a playful way to explore someone’s personality and interests. It often leads to surprising and fun insights—I rotate lighthearted small-talk questions on the contact page of my website and this is the one I’ve gone with most recently!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

The post 18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 12.28.23

28 Journal Prompts for Reflecting on How Far You’ve Come

It’s the inventory we all need. ByMeghan Watson, RP

January tends to bring with it a lot of heavy feelings, like the pressure to reinvent your entire personality, guilt for ditching last year’s resolutions, and the urge to pile on further misery by making even more unrealistic goals. So it’s normal to feel buried under endless anxiety and shame about what you should be doing. 

But a fresh new calendar doesn’t need to signal a blank slate in your life. January 1st is truly just an arbitrary date that only means what you want it to. So here’s an idea to make 2024 less stressful: Rather than seeing this new year as the countdown to a harsh deadline for becoming You 2.0, use this time to reflect on how far you’ve come, where you’re at today, and what you actually value. 

[Doing too much? Reset your mindset by signing up for Wondermind’s 7-Day Do-Less Challenge!]

Journaling is one way you can ease into the new year feeling confident and motivated for whatever lies ahead. Reflecting on your challenges, your wins, and the lessons you’ve learned encourages you to trust yourself a little more and build awareness around who you are and where your values lie. Trust me, I’m a licensed psychotherapist who is a boss at journaling and recommends this practice to anyone who wants to do some self-discovery—especially this time of year. 

If you’re down, take a deep breath and remember you’re exactly where you need to be. Then, grab your journal or Notes app and set aside some time to mull over any (or all) of these journal prompts for self-discovery and self-reflection that honor where you’ve been and where you want to go. 

1. If you had to pick five words to describe last year, what would they be?

2. When did you feel the most mindful and connected to yourself in the past year? What contributed to those moments of inner peace?

3. What small wins or personal successes are you most proud of from the last year? If you haven’t already, how can you acknowledge or celebrate these accomplishments?

4. What are you most grateful for from last year, and how do you express that to yourself and others?

5. What moments, decisions, or experiences from last year stand out the most, and why?

6. What were some of the hardest challenges you had to face last year? What made these moments so challenging for you, and how did you overcome them? 

7. Who made a meaningful impact on you in the past year? How did they do that? 

8. What harsh or critical expectations have you placed on yourself recently? Is there space for you to offer yourself more compassion and let go of inner judgment and shame? What would that support look like? 

9. Is there anything you started doing in 2023 that you’d like to continue doing in 2024?

10. What does a balanced routine look like for you at this stage of your life?

11. What’s one lesson you’ve learned about yourself in 2023? What did it teach you about yourself, your relationships, and your environment?

12. What will your next year look like if everything goes exactly as you want it to? How will you deal with setbacks if everything doesn’t go as planned?

13. What values are most important to you right now? How do you want your behavior and your life to reflect these in the new year and beyond? Do you need to change anything to start living in harmony with your values? 

14. What relationships do you want to nurture most in 2024? Are there connections and communities that inspired or supported you last year?

15. What do you notice about your self-talk? Do you talk to yourself like a supportive friend or harsh critic? Write down three negative thoughts you have on a regular basis and how you could reframe them. 

16. What encouraging words of wisdom played on repeat in your mind last year? Did they change how you moved through life? How, or why not?

17. What boundaries were important for your well-being last year? What challenges did you face while setting and enforcing them? How did these boundaries impact your relationships with yourself and others? Is there anything you need to shift or adjust? 

18. How do you manage uncertainty and anxiety in your everyday life? What has helped you manage the discomfort of change and growth?

19. Who in your community uplifts and inspires you to be yourself? In what ways can you continue to nourish these relationships and show up for yourself and others?

20. How do you take care of yourself? Could you make changes to squeeze in more rest or self-care?

21. What is your relationship to productivity and needing to “get things done”? Do you feel like rest is lazy or unproductive? Where do you think that stems from? Is there space for more grace and compassion when it comes to your expectations and to-do list?

22. What are you doing to become your most comfortable and content self?

23. If you could have done anything differently last year, what would it be and why? How will you apply this lesson to your life going forward?

24. What do you need to let go of or get off your chest? Is there anything unsaid that needs to be released or expressed?

25. What resolution always makes you feel like crap? What would your new year look like if you let that one go? 

26. What are you most looking forward to doing or experiencing in the year ahead?

27. What are three things that make you happy, and how can you make them a bigger part of your life next year? 

28. By this time next year, how do you hope to feel? What’s one way you can focus on that feeling throughout the year? 

The post 28 Journal Prompts for Reflecting on How Far You’ve Come appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 12.25.23

How To Deal When Your Family Is Ruining Your Time Off

Mentally (or physically) escape when you need a f*cking minute. ByLauren Del Turco

If you find yourself with time off work in the coming weeks, congrats! Good for you for taking a break from the grind. But if your vacation from daily life also means spending a lot of time with your family in lieu of watching the entire Harry Potter series in your underwear, sleeping, or hanging out with your friends, you also have my condolences.

Quality time with family can be nice and all, but you’re not a bad person if you dread the idea of moving back into your childhood bedroom, getting stuck watching hours of football with your dad, and putting up with your chronically politically incorrect in-laws. It’s all enough to make you consider faking a positive Covid test and hiding out until 2024. For a lot of us, time off is hard to come by and our families are…complicated. Sigh.

But even if your PTO involves lots of family gatherings (or a truly immersive, 24/7 experience) you can make it through without hating it (and also feeling guilty that you hate it). With a little strategy from mental health pros who get it, here’s how to take a break from family so you can head back to your regular grind feeling (relatively) well-rested. Here’s exactly what to do. 

1. Determine a together-time limit.

Maybe you’ve always spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s at your parents’ house and now it’s just assumed that you’ll spend seven nights crammed in that twin-sized bed. But, as a grown adult, you are in charge of your time and where you sleep. You don’t have to spend all of your PTO (or even any of it) with your family if the thought of it makes you want to crawl into a hole until the twinkle lights have reclaimed their spot in the attic. 

Think back on holidays past. When did you start to feel out of sorts or like you needed a break? Was it after a few days, a full day, or even an afternoon? Use those ghosts of holidays past to create a holiday schedule that’s best for you, says licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD, the chief clinical officer of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy. If you were spent after a few days, make that your I’m out of here landmark. If it was just a few hours, make that your limit.

If you can’t commit to an abbreviated trip, remember that you can leave when together time proves to be a complete trainwreck—assuming logistics allow. Let your crew know that you’re tapped and respectfully flee, Dr. Shumway says. When the loss of your sanity is at stake, do what you must.

2. Set some boundaries.

‘Tis the season for flexing your boundaries—and doing so might just mean the difference between surviving (and even, perhaps, enjoying?) time with family this week and melting into a puddle of misery. 

The first boundary to communicate is your together-time limit. If one day is all you have to give, tell your people from the start that you’re excited to spend that day with them! If it’s just an afternoon, something like, “I can’t wait to catch up over lunch! I have to head out afterward, but I’m really looking forward to it,” might work. 

Next, if you know a certain family activity or behavior is a hard nope! for you, try to let your peeps know you won’t be engaging in advance, suggests Dr. Shumway. It’ll be less uncomfy than drawing a line in the sand in the moment. Tell your mom that if she (inevitably) starts loudly fantasizing about the grandbabies you owe her, you will leave the room. They might get pissed, but that’s not worth toughing it out for. And remember, saying your boundaries out loud isn’t enough. You owe it to yourself to follow through with the consequences of your boundaries. Plus, if you don’t, they might not take you seriously when you try to lay them out next year. 

3. Keep up with some of your usual routines.

Your average day probably involves a routine or rituals that make you feel good, so it’s understandable if your vibe is giving swamp monster after a week. That unrested, kinda gross feeling can make going back to work feel extra miserable, says licensed therapist Erica Turner, LMFT, founder of Rosewater Therapy. 

To better take care of you, do what you can to stick somewhat close to your most beloved routines over the holidays—even when you’re on someone else’s turf. It’s not a total break from your people, but it could be enough to make you feel like your time off was just a little more restorative. 

Maybe you can’t schlep your spin bike to your parents’ basement or transport your favorite coffee shop to your hometown, but you can take a long walk while listening to your go-to mental health podcast and pack a bag of your favorite coffee beans. It’s like a micro-escape, basically. 

4. Build in some breaks.

Even if your family is relatively functional and you actually enjoy being around each other, being up in each other’s faces all. the. time. can be overwhelming. Scheduling in some breaks for solo time can help you avoid unnecessary tension and fatigue, Dr. Shumway and Turner agree. 

Whenever you feel depleted/off/annoyed, go for a long walk, catch up on TikTok in your room (yes, full permission to scroll, within reason), go hide at a local bookstore, or give your bestie a call to check in. If you can plan these little moments of you time in advance (read: heading to bed early so you can scroll for a solid hour before bed), even better. 

5. Try to show up as your full self.

One of the most soul-sucking things about spending extended time with family is holiday regression, says Turner. Sounds fancy but it’s when you feel like you’ve time-traveled back to your childhood, transforming into a younger version of yourself that’s forgotten all the mental health tricks you learned in therapy or relinquishing the role of responsible adult. That can leave you stuck and feeling unlike your cool, well-adjusted self. That experience can be exhausting, to say the least. 

Whether your fam is treating you like a 13-year-old or you’re just in your head about it, do your best to be your current self with your family, suggests Turner. As long as it feels safe to do so, let yourself be seen! 

Respond to one of your dad’s classic, “I’m just trying to rile you up,” statements in a less reactive way. Or maybe a simple “Hm, what an odd thing to say out loud,” will do. When your parents start bickering, leave the room or tell them to knock it off while you’re around. Be honest about that career change you want to make even if you know they’re not fans. 

Doing stuff like that could enable you to leave the holiday madness in a better place than years past, making that PTO feel less wasted on your fam. It’s true, your family may not get you, but being yourself will take way less energy than going back in time. 

6. Do your own thing…together.

No family has deep, meaningful conversations 24/7 or spends every day of a holiday break decorating cookies or playing Scrabble. Life is not a Hallmark movie and expecting it to be will just make everyone grumpy.

In addition to the cutesy traditions, embrace doing your own thing in the general proximity of the people you love, suggests Turner. If your dad simply must watch Ancient Aliens all afternoon, pop open your laptop, put on your headphones, and watch a movie on the couch next to him. It still counts as together time—and you get to do what you want.

7. Find meaning in the suffering.

When endless family togetherness isn’t exactly your idea of a good time but you don’t quite have grounds to bail, try to pinpoint one or two ways you can get something from the experience, Dr. Shumway says. You’re not going to totally enjoy it, but it could still be…meaningful? 

Consider it an opportunity to work on your conversation starters (or practice those boundaries you’ve been avoiding setting…) or spend time with a family member whose health isn’t great. Focusing on silver linings can make even yet another awkward conversation with Aunt Karen a little more fulfilling

8. Plan for a post-vacay vacay.

No matter what you do, you probably won’t return from time off with family feeling like you just spent a week of bliss in the Bahamas. That’s why it’s almost always a good idea to squeeze an extra day or two to recoup at home before getting back to work, Dr. Shumway and Turner agree. 

You can go see that movie you’ve been meaning to check out, sit around eating takeout with your friends, clean out your closet, or lay in bed all day. Just dedicate some time to you so that you restart regular life feeling like 2024 is your oyster, not even more exhausted than you were pre-holidays.  

The post How To Deal When Your Family Is Ruining Your Time Off appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 12.22.23

27 Realistic Affirmations for Anyone Who Isn’t OK Right Now

New year, same struggle. ByOludara Adeeyo, LCSW

*Ominous voice* New Year’s Eve is coming. And if 2023 was very much not your year, it can be really hard to get psyched about what’s next. Instead of setting lofty resolutions, you might just be struggling to get by thanks to grief, unfinished 2023 goals, anxiety that won’t quit, or any other misfortune. So, let’s have a chat about how to navigate 2024 NYE stress with realistic affirmations that don’t sugar-coat your shitshow of a year. 

If you’re new here, I’m a licensed therapist and your resident affirmations girlie. Hell, I even wrote a book filled with them, and I’ve got another one on the way. So yeah, I know a thing or two about how these positive (or sometimes neutral) statements can carry you through dark times, like New Year’s. While affirmations aren’t magic, regularly repeating them (aloud, in your mind, or in a journal) can validate your feelings, help you feel less alone in your struggle, and encourage you to crawl out of whatever funk you’re in. They’re an easily accessible tool to add to your self-care kit, and they can serve as regular reminders that you deserve peace and that happiness is just around the corner. 

[Doing too much? Reset your mindset by signing up for Wondermind’s 7-Day Do-Less Challenge!]

So, if you’re ready to say good riddance to 2023 but nervous about what 2024 has in store, here are some realistic affirmations that will make you feel seen and address some not-so-fun emotions you might be experiencing as the year comes to an end. 

For anyone dealing with a loss

While the end of year should be reserved for enjoying festive lights and watching Andy Cohen tell it like it is on NYE, December can also bring up overwhelming feelings of loss. Instead of sporting matching PJs, you might be grieving a broken engagement. Instead of gathering around a table of delicious food, you might’ve just buried a loved one. Instead of knocking out holiday shopping, maybe you’re dealing with the financial consequences of a “company restructuring.” Jerks. No matter the situation, it’s normal if you’re not feeling the holiday spirit and are wondering, What’s there to look forward to in the new year anyway? 

As you grieve, it’s important to honor your feelings and have grace for yourself as you weather life’s changes and gather your emotional strength. If you’re mourning something or someone, these affirmations might help. 

1. I am gentle with myself as I adjust to life after loss. 
2. Grief has no timeline, so I will be patient with myself. 
3. This is the end of a chapter that meant a lot to me, but there’s still joy ahead.
4. I release judgment of my emotions and call in compassion. 
5. The way I feel is normal, and I honor my emotions. 
6. It is OK for me to experience happiness in the midst of my pain. 
7. The hurt I feel from my loss is temporary, because things will get better. 

For anyone who’s bummed about not completing their goals

It’s that time of the year where you look back at the goals you set 12 months ago and think, Who said that? As much as we hate to admit it, many of us create resolutions at the top of the year and don’t keep any of them. But you know what? That’s OK. (You don’t need six new outdoorsy hobbies anyway.) But what’s not cool is you feeling like a failure or comparing yourself to others who seemingly accomplished their goals. It’s better to embrace life as it happens than to obsess over resolutions you ditched. 

To help you manage the self-loathing and shame that can come with not being where you want to be, keep these affirmations nearby.

1. I have the power to reach my goals when I am ready. 
2. What I do or don’t accomplish does not define my self-worth. 
3. My life’s journey is uniquely designed for me. 
4. There is no expiration date on my goals. 
5. I reject the need to compare myself to others. 
6. A new year gives me another chance to complete my goals. 

For anyone who feels hopeless about basically everything

Raise your hand if you’re tired of living though historic events that shock your system and leave you feeling defeated. Same. It basically feels like the entire world is in shambles at all times and there’s little we can do on an individual level to fix it. (That’s not actually true, but it can feel like it is.) Meanwhile, you could also be going through your own personal hell, which just adds to that existing hopeless feeling. 

If you’re emotionally maxed out while others around you are hyped about 2024 (damn, what’s that like?), try to find some solace in knowing that it’s understandable if you’re not feeling celebratory and don’t know how to fix *gestures wildly* all this. To help you push through and regain a bit of hope, lean on these affirmations.

1. I deserve to have a life that I love. 
2. My best is more than enough. 
3. I’m living through unprecedented times, and it’s OK if I’m struggling to keep up. 
4. I welcome new opportunities and people that bring me joy. 
5. Giving up on myself is not an option. 
6. I must prioritize myself, because it helps me to feel better. 
7. Hopelessness no longer has a home in my heart. 
8. In time, I will find a path to contentment. 

For anyone who feels anxiety creeping in 

While the new year can signal new opportunities and possibly the best year of your life thus far, it could also mean new problems or continuing whatever dumpster fire you’re currently in. The potential for a garbage year can cause anxiety to do a number on you by giving you bubble guts (ah, just what you need for a NYE bash), wreaking havoc on your mind, and causing your perfectionism to flare up. Letting anxiety win isn’t an option, so try making a commitment to building resilience and facing obstacles with more courage in 2024. For some peace of mind, you already know what to do with these affirmations.

1. My anxiety is temporary, and I am safe. 
2. Being anxious about my future is normal, but I won’t let anxiety dictate my every move. 
3. I let go of the things I can’t control and embrace freedom. 
4. I’m inhaling peace and exhaling those anxious BS thoughts. 
5. I am at ease with what’s to come in the new year. 
6. I trust that I can handle any future obstacles. 

The post 27 Realistic Affirmations for Anyone Who Isn’t OK Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.