Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact”

If you’ve done the work and it’s still not working, read this. ByJessie Van Amburg

“The last time I saw my mom, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her. And no, she’s not dead. We’re just no contact.” So begins a five-minute TikTok video. In it, a woman shares exactly what went down when she decided to cut things off with her mom for good: “I was fed up,” the creator Ashley D. said. “I’m just done with it, I’m not about to stay here to take this mental and verbal abuse just because I’m scared to be by myself.” 

Ashley’s story, sadly, is not unique. Going no contact—the idea of having limited to zero communication or interactions with a person—is the subject of hundreds of thousands of videos on TikTok. Whether it’s adult children talking about cutting off their parents after years of mistreatment, therapists weighing in on why it happens and how to navigate it, or parents grieving their children’s estrangement, the anecdotes keep rolling in.

It’s fairly taboo in most cultures to just cut ties with your family. (Blood is thicker than water, yadda, yadda, yadda.) But, sometimes, ending a relationship is necessary to protect your peace. “[No contact is] ultimately a person saying, ‘This relationship has become so unmanageable for me, and staying in contact is no longer an option,’” says Whitney Goodman, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and co-founder at Calling Home who specializes in adult family relationships. 

In other words, no contact is kind of like a “break glass in case of emergency” option for truly toxic relationships. “A lot of people who do not have experience with it assume that people go no contact after one disagreement,” says Kristen Gingrich, LCSW, a therapist and co-host of the Welcome to Group Therapy podcast. “The reality is that most of the time…it is after months, weeks, years of constant boundary violations, toxic behaviors, unsafe interactions, that have finally reached a peak.”  

How do you know if it’s right for you? We talked to some therapists to get the lowdown. 

What does no contact mean?

In its simplest terms, going no contact means that you’re no longer speaking to someone, says Goodman. It’s something someone does when a relationship cannot continue in its current form (or exist at all) because of how it’s affecting your mental health and well-being, says Gingrich. She says it typically applies to family relationships, but it can also be used in the context of romantic relationships or friendships.

Even though “no contact” sounds pretty cut and dry, it can actually exist on a spectrum (much like family estrangement). On one end is the total cut off, says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist. “You’re not talking to the person. You’re not answering any emails, phone calls, any outreach, and there’s literally no contact,” she says. Then you have more of a partial cut-off, where you might still see that person at Thanksgiving or Grandma’s 80th birthday party, but otherwise you don’t interact with them, she says. 

At the other end is what Gingrich calls “low contact,” where a person makes very intentional, limited decisions on when to engage with someone—say, a short phone call on birthdays or exchanging cards on the holidays. 

Going no contact might be based on specific conditions rather than a permanent state, adds Goodman. You might decide not to speak to a person unless a problematic behavior changes, or until they commit to attending therapy with you.

How a person defines no contact ultimately depends on their specific circumstances. Say you want to go no contact with your estranged father, but don’t want to lose ties with his side of the family. You might have to accept that you will still see him on holidays and proceed accordingly. Basically, your interpretation  of no contact is valid, Gingrich says. 

That said, remember that no contact is meant to be a last-case scenario, not something you invoke right away with difficult family members or the friend that posts questionable stuff on Facebook. No contact is essentially the end of that relationship as you both know it—and experts caution against using that to avoid an awkward or uncomfortable conversation with every person you don’t get along with. “I would not cut off before giving [the relationship] a real try, and seeing if the person is open to understanding or willing to take responsibility,” says Ross. “Try to address the conflict.” Because, as we’ll discuss shortly, the consequences for no contact can be steep—and require some very serious consideration. 

6 signs no contact could be right for you

Deciding whether to cut someone out of your life (completely or partially) ) can feel complicated and loaded, even if you know it’s a solid option. Here, experts share several scenarios when it’s worth reevaluating how much contact you have with them.

1. It’s a physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive relationship.

All three experts say going no contact with someone who is consistently causing harm—whether it’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, or other cruel treatment—might be your best option to stay safe. They’re not entitled to treat you this way, says Goodman. 

2. Spending time with them sends you into self-destruction mode. 

“If someone is encouraging you to harm yourself or promotes self-destructive behavior, they’re likely not a positive influence in your life,” says Goodman. This could manifest in a bunch of different ways—say, a risk-loving friend constantly peer-pressures you into doing dangerous stuff when you’re together, or your mom’s constant criticism or cruelty triggers you and makes it hard to maintain your sobriety. (Not liking who you are or what you turn into with that person is another troubling sign, adds Gingrich.) In those kinds of cases, going no contact or low contact would likely be essential for your mental or physical health. 

3. They’re legit ruining your mental health. 

If you consistently feel like spending time with someone leaves you “more harmed than helped,” limiting contact with them might improve your life, Gingrich says. 

This might not seem that serious in one-off incidents, but over time, sustained contact with a person who makes you feel awful can be toxic to your well-being and your shared relationships, says Ross. Take an overly-involved mother who uses you like a free therapist, she says—without boundaries, you might struggle to have your own life because you’re so caught up in hers. Or if your super conservative father-in-law always picks on you at family gatherings, it could cause tension between you and your partner and other relationships. 

Since this isn’t straight-up abuse, you might feel conflicted. When that’s the case, you can ask yourself, How does this person behave 90 percent of the time? What is it like when you see them? How does it feel after you’ve spent time with them? says Goodman. Those Qs can help you get a clearer picture of how they’re affecting you. “Limiting your time with these people and setting specific boundaries if you need to be around them is important,” she adds.

4. They constantly dismiss your boundaries and they refuse to take accountability or work to salvage the relationship. 

The goal of boundaries is to help people maintain healthy relationships—not keep them apart. Of course, creating guardrails doesn’t necessarily mean the people in your life will stay within them. And if they keep disrespecting those boundaries, even with reminders, they might just not be willing to change their behavior. 

“I believe that if someone is being hateful and they have been told how this is hurting you, yet they continue to do so, this is a person who does not have your best interest at heart,” says Goodman. “They are likely not capable of having a reciprocal healthy relationship with you.”

This can be really disheartening when you want this person in your life, but sometimes there may be specific things you need and they’re unwilling to budge on—whether it’s finally accepting your sexuality, not criticizing your weight every chance they get, or simply avoiding the topic of politics or religion when you get together. If they know how important this boundary is to you and they still refuse to compromise in a way that lets you maintain a relationship, it’s hard to find a path forward. 

5. You’ve tried literally everything to make a relationship work. 

To an outside observer, completely cutting someone off might seem extreme. But, as we said, people rarely go no contact because of one disagreement. Going no contact usually happens after someone has done everything in their power to repair the relationship, says Goodman. 

Things like setting boundaries, seeing someone less often, and addressing their behavior head-on can all help to heal a messy relationship. But if they don’t make a dent in the chaos, change might not be possible for them. That means you’d have to sacrifice your own needs and emotional health for the sake of staying in contact with them. Is that worth it? Maybe! But also maybe not. 

“I think once people accept who the other person is, and maybe get clear on, ‘I can’t make them change,’ they’re able to make the best decision for themselves,” Goodman says.

6. You’ve accepted the consequences.

Regardless of how necessary it may be for you or your family, all three experts say that going no contact can come with steep ramifications. “There’s a lot of loss,” Ross says. Sometimes that loss is the relationship with the person you’re going no contact with, other times it’s the loss of connection to the other people involved in your relationship, like extended family or mutual friends. 

When it comes to family, siblings can get caught in the middle, as can family gatherings, funerals, and sick family members. “All of this stuff becomes really complicated in a different way when you’ve gone no contact with someone.” 

“Going no contact for me meant that I lost my mother,” says Gingrich. “My child will never know his grandmother.” 

OK, so what do I do now? 

Feeling personally victimized by everything on this list? It’s time to start talking about this with a trusted person—a therapist, a support group, or a really good friend, says Goodman. This can help you work through the decision and process the consequences.

Sometimes, people find that all of the therapy and boundary resetting in the world isn’t enough. “A lot of people start this process from the lens of, ‘How can I make this person change so that they can be in my life?’” Goodman says. But that doesn’t always work, she adds.

Instead, consider what you can do to protect yourself or shift the terms of the relationship so it works better for you. Sometimes that means going no contact, says Goodman. Other times, it might mean just seeing someone periodically, or only talking to them on the phone once a year. 

If you’re really struggling in a relationship with someone toxic, it’s good to know this option exists if you need it. And it’s a valid one. “Adults get to decide who’s in their life no matter what,” says Goodman.

The post 6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.14.24

6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now

Turns out avoidance is not the answer. BySam Brodsky

Whether it’s a coworker overstepping, a friend bailing on plans last minute (again), or your dad being rude just to “rile you up,” there are about a million things that can cause conflict. It’s a damn minefield out there. And without solid conflict management skills, you can feel stuck, anxious, or perpetually pissed off. Not ideal.

In case you missed this lesson: Conflict happens when we have different points of view, make mistakes, or get caught in miscommunication traps, says licensed therapist Mallory Wolfgramm, LMFT. 

When any of that goes down, conflict management can help you share your feelings, hear the other person out, tolerate the discomfort of it all, and find a way to repair the situation or just move forward, says Wolfgramm. Those skills can strengthen relationships you care about, she adds. And for those people you don’t especially enjoy, conflict management enables you to coexist with less tension.

If you’re ready to manage conflict like a pro, here are the strategies therapists we spoke to recommend. 

1. Check in with yourself.

When an email from your work nemesis hits your inbox or your brother says that thing he knows  will set you off, hit pause before going into confrontation mode. When we’re wrapped up in our emotional reaction, especially anger or hurt, we can respond in a way we regret, says Wolfgramm. Big feelings can also make it harder to process information, which could lead to miscommunication. Maybe what they said wasn’t actually what you heard. It happens.

So, if you notice your heart is racing or you feel hot when talking to somebody (or reading their text), taking a beat can help you get into a clearer headspace, says Wolfgramm. From there, you can choose your words carefully, listen closely, and problem-solve effectively, she notes. 

To get to a calmer place, try a self-soothing exercise, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four you can touch or feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste, Wolfgramm suggests. You can also get clarity by journaling, calling a friend, or taking a walk, she says.

If you hate confrontation, you might be tempted to stop here and just pretend this whole thing never happened, which isn’t always helpful in the long run. Conflict avoidance usually backfires in one way or another, notes Wolfgramm. So don’t make this first step in conflict management your last. 

2. Assess the problem.

Once you’re more calm, you can get a feel for what’s really going on and the best way forward. Wolfgramm suggests asking yourself: Who is my beef with, are they worth it, and what do I want to get out of this interaction? 

It sounds simple, but if your struggle is with someone you care about or interact with frequently, that’s more important to resolve than a bot trash-talking you in your comments. Assuming you feel emotionally and physically safe with this person, it’s probably worth getting to the bottom of the issue with them, says Wolfgramm. 

Then, try to be real about your expectations. What do you need to feel better, and can this person give that to you? Asking yourself these Qs can help you decide if seeking a resolution is even possible, notes Wolfgramm. Maybe you know they’ll never see your side or what you really want is to make them feel bad. When either is the case—especially the latter—you’re not going to have a healthy conversation, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads. 

If they’re not worth it, you don’t feel safe, or your ideal outcome is unrealistic (or just petty), it’s time to settle this on your own, says Wolfgramm. Instead of attempting to manage the situation with the person involved, speak with someone who can understand where you’re coming from, like a therapist or another loved one, she suggests. 

Venting can help you name your feelings, acknowledge that there is a problem, and stop the rumination you’re experiencing, says Turner. “It kind of externalizes the conflict, so your brain doesn’t constantly go back to, What am I going to do? What is this issue?” she explains. It might not be as satisfying as having the person hear you out, but you’re still getting relief from the big emotions that conflict causes. 

Plus, finding understanding elsewhere can help you set boundaries that minimize future conflict, Wolfgramm adds.

3. Let them say their piece.

Part of conflict management is trying to empathize with and understand the other person, says Wolfgramm. Even if you don’t agree, making it obvious that you’re willing to hear them out is a great way to establish trust, she explains. If you skip this part, they’ll probably be less likely to listen to you.

So, invite them to share their side of the story, clarify what they mean, or make their case. When they do, Wolfgramm suggests making eye contact to show you’re actively listening. Afterward, try to sum up what they said to you and ask if you got it right. You can also ask more questions to get some clarity, Wolfgramm says. If you’re really struggling to see their side, challenge yourself to think of a time when you felt similarly, she notes. It’s not always easy, but it sets the stage for you to share your perspective and encourages them to show you the same respect.

4. Apologize if needed.

If you can see that you messed up, an apology can indicate that you want to take accountability for your part and honor what the other person experienced, says Turner. Try saying something like, “I was really frustrated, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t cool,” notes Turner. Whatever you do, avoid chasing “I’m sorry” with “but.” That basically cancels out the part where you took ownership, Wolfgramm explains. 

While apologizing can show someone that you know where you may have effed up, it’s not easy to forgive somebody right away if there’s a larger, prolonged problem, says Wolfgramm. You may just need time or, in some circumstances, a mental health professional to help out, she says—and that’s OK.

5. Be direct and kind.

When you hash out your side of the problem, being specific can help you avoid miscommunication and prevent this issue from popping up in the future. 

If you have time before your conversation, think about what you’re feeling, what triggered those feelings, and what you need from the other person to move forward, says Wolfgramm. Writing those down to refer to during your discussion can help you stay on track and get to the heart of the conflict, she says. 

It might seem a little over the top, but phrasing those points in the form of “I” statements will help you come off less aggressive, Wolfgramm adds. You can try something like, “I felt _____ when _____ happened because it made me think _____.”  Turner suggests also asking, “How do you think we can move forward?” to give them space to chime in. 

6. Stay open to compromise. 

You can go through all the steps above—making space for the other person, hearing them out, being direct, and avoiding defensiveness—and they’re still not willing to budge. When you’re at a standstill, it may be time for compromise.

A compromise is a sacrifice, explains Turner. It could be a big one or a small one, but the goal is to put your ideal outcome aside in hopes of resolving the issue or showing the other person you care about them (or both). 

That can look a lot of different ways, depending on what you’re dealing with. Maybe you agree not to talk about politics anymore or that you’ll message your team before booking the conference room for an entire day. 

Whatever middle ground you suggest, make sure that it doesn’t contradict your values or breed resentment, says Turner. “If the compromise feels like you’re actively carrying a burden … that’s a sign this compromise won’t work.” A good compromise is a reasonable sacrifice you’re OK making for the greater good of the relationship or some other outcome, Turner adds. Consider that conflict managed. 

The post 6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 09.26.24

16 People Share How Their Family Boundaries Finally Stuck

Please enjoy this dysfunctional family support group. ByAshley Laderer

Even when family members mean well, they can drive you up a wall. Whether they feel entitled to your time, energy, or personal information, sometimes these interactions can be soul-sucking, disrespectful, or even abusive. 

Setting boundaries, or creating standards of behavior that you uphold or ask others to (or both!), can help—even if your family has never heard of the concept (mine certainly hasn’t!). That’s because boundaries enable you to create positive changes to your dynamic and those alterations keep you from losing it every time you interact. 

Without solid boundaries, repeat offenses can worsen your family relationships as resentment builds, says therapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT, founder of Calling Home, a virtual community for adults who want to improve their family relationships, and author of Toxic Positivity. “Relationships without any boundaries are often unsuccessful and lead to more fighting, distance, or even complete rupture of the relationship,” Goodman explains. “If we want to remain in a relationship with people long term, we need to set new limits and communicate what we will tolerate and what we will not.”

Think of boundaries as drawing a metaphorical line in the sand, says Goodman. You determine what you’re comfortable with. That could be how much time you spend with family, where you hang out, what you talk about (what you don’t), and how you do it (see: no yelling allowed). 

If the idea of boundaries seems kind of harsh, that makes sense. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to put your needs ahead of others’ expectations, especially if you’ve been doing the opposite since forever. That said, if you’re setting healthy boundaries, meaning they’re enforceable, reasonable, and clearly explained, you’re not doing anything wrong, says Goodman. Remember, whatever boundary you set, the goal is to keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, she adds. 

While the outcome can be transformational, setting boundaries with family is rarely easy—especially if they don’t believe in things like personal space. Same goes if you’re a chronic people pleaser. And since family dynamics are often loaded with expectations, triggers, and hierarchies, it can make setting new standards within these bonds more difficult than in other kinds of relationships, says Goodman. 

But yes, it really is possible. If you stay true to your needs, honor your limits, prepare for a little bit of push back, and commit to healthier interactions, you can protect yourself and your relationships at the same time. 

Here, we asked people what boundaries they set with their family and how that’s going. These tips are free for the taking! 

1. Be kind and honest.

“After having a baby one month ago, I’ve had to set strong boundaries around how often  my mom visits us in this postpartum period. While I could have stayed in people-pleasing mode, neglecting my own need for quiet solo time to appease my mom’s expectations would leave me feeling more emotionally exhausted. To set this boundary, I respond to my mom’s texts in a polite but straightforward way. I answer with, ‘I’m taking some quiet time with the baby before welcoming any visitors over. Let’s meet up in a few hours,’ or ‘I’m going to try to ride the day out alone, but if I need you, I’ll call.’ By setting structure and a time limit, I’ve been able to welcome my mom into this special time in a way that celebrates her place in our lives while honoring my sensitivities.” —Alex S., 31

2. Protect the time you spend together.

“My parents are alcoholics, and it’s been a problem forever. After I moved away, we really only saw each other for holidays, and those were frequently ruined by their behavior. I told them if they wanted me in their lives, they’d need to agree to some ground rules: They can’t drink around me or before seeing me. All of our calls are scheduled ahead of time (and they aren’t to drink before or during that either). The rules didn’t solve everything overnight, but our interactions are healthier and relatively normal. By sticking with these rules, I don’t dread seeing or speaking to them like I used to.” —Stephen M., 34 

3. Create a time-based boundary, then circle back. 

“When my sister and I were in our early 20s, we struggled with comparison. I resented that she earned triple what I did, and she was jealous of my day-to-day flexibility. When we realized that financial comparison was poisoning our previously close relationship, I asked if we could spend the next year not talking about money at all. I told her that this topic was too sensitive for me right now to be a good listener. Though it wasn’t easy, sticking to that boundary helped us stay close. We’re not through the full year, but I plan to see how I feel once we hit that milestone.” —Grace S., 26

4. Set boundaries with yourself.

“My family doesn’t have great communication skills. When they’re upset, my parents often give us the silent treatment, which feels terrible. So, I’ve set boundaries within myself to help me deal with the chaotic energy I feel around them. One of those boundaries is limiting visits to three or four days when I go home. Any more than that, and I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I also asked my mom to stop venting to me about the drama between her and my dad. It’s not fair for me to be in the middle of their marital issues. It just stresses me out.” —McKenna K., 30 

5. Create guardrails for your conversations.

“I don’t talk about my dating life with my family. When I did that in the past, my mom would ask me about it too often, which stressed me out. So I straight-up told my parents that I don’t want to talk to them about my relationships, and they honor that.” —Calli M, 30

6. Go no contact.

“Ultimately, I believe part of loving someone is protecting yourself and them from harm through healthy boundaries. My boundaries are about safety. I love my family, but I also know what I can and can’t trust them with. For example, I decided not to have any contact with one of my family members who is abusive. In other cases, I make space for my family to earn back my trust through action. When that happens, the boundaries can be adjusted.” —Sandy S., 45

7. Set your own time limits.

“I can only handle being around my parents and other difficult relatives for a limited amount of time, so I don’t offer up all of my free time to them. Even if I do have an open weekend, I’ll tell them I have plans if they’re asking for more than I can give. Basically, they have a limited version of my schedule.” —Sherissa V., 41

8. Don’t put up with yelling.

“The boundaries I’ve set with my parents are mainly around topics of conversation (cough, political talk, cough). That’s because any time we talk about a divisive topic that doesn’t align with their worldview, they deflect, escalate, and blame. So, in addition to avoiding those subjects, I’ll say, ‘If you raise your voice when you hear a perspective you don’t agree with, I’ll exit the conversation.’ While we aren’t a family who feels like best friends, talking to each other every day, we don’t argue much anymore. The tension is more easily diffused, which allows us to spend time together without the drama.” —Glenn S., 34 

9. Keep enforcing your limits. 

“I don’t allow my mom to bring up my appearance anymore (specifically my weight, body, or hair). Whenever she makes a comment about looking too skinny, I say, ‘No, no, let’s not talk about my body.’ It’s kind of like I had to train her to not immediately start commenting on my appearance. If she brings it up, I remind her I don’t want to talk about my appearance and immediately change the subject to work or my friends.” —Priscilla C., 30

10. Have stressful convos on your terms. 

“One of the things that’s helped my relationship with my mom is ending a conversation if she’s not listening to me. Also, if we have to talk about something that might be triggering, like money, we set a specific time and place to talk about it. That way, I know what to expect and anticipate it.” —Anonymous, 30

11. Do things the way you want. 

“The majority of the boundaries we set are about the way we raise our children. My in-laws often felt entitled to tell us how to raise our kids. At the same time, I’ve always felt like being a mother is my most important job, and I only have one chance to do it right. Once my husband and I set boundaries with how much say his mom and dad should have in our parenting decisions, it was comforting. We’ve made it clear to each other and outsiders that we will always prioritize each other’s feelings over everyone else’s.” —Amanda M., 33

12. Go ahead and repeat yourself. 

“Setting boundaries with my dad’s side of the family went very smoothly. Though it took me a few times to explain my circumstances and repeat why certain interactions weren’t healthy for me, I tried to approach them as gentle reminders. My advice for anyone trying to set boundaries with family is to do it in a private one-on-one moment, if you can. When you do, express how certain behaviors or habits affect your life without blaming them. Keeping it short and simple helps avoid opening another can of worms (if that’s not what you’re trying to do).” —Michael, 42

13. Be honest about why you need these limits.

“My mom and I have always been close, but sometimes she can act entitled to information about my life or my whereabouts. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to call multiple times in a row to ask where I was (and this was while I was in my 30s). It got to a point where I had to be honest with her. Here’s how I set my boundaries: I told her that I appreciate her concern and I know how much she cares about me, but as an adult I don’t need her to check on me so often. She was defensive, but I calmly responded by explaining why I needed her to stop these behaviors. Eventually, I did get through to her. 

This month, I’m moving back home as I manage some financial issues, and we’ve started discussing my boundaries again. She understands that these boundaries are meant to keep me calm and give me some space—not because I have a problem with her. Now, she has actually set some boundaries with me, which means she really understands the benefits.” —Dominique S.,35

14. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

“After I rejected my strict religious upbringing and decided to live my life outside of that structure, I started setting boundaries with my family members who still adhere to it. In order to enforce those guidelines, I had to be firm, consistent, and willing to endure long gaps of time when we didn’t interact. It wasn’t easy. But eventually my religious family members got to a place where we can have a loving relationship. Despite our differences, we’re able to have beautiful honest exchanges. Our relationships aren’t perfect but they are real and now my children and parents are able to be close” —Sonia F., 50

15. Set up a boundary support system.

“After I went no contact with some of my family, I had to work hard to keep those boundaries in place. I started by building a stronger connection with one of my siblings who understood where I was coming from. I also established financial independence, so that accepting money didn’t open the door to future emotional abuse from them. Plus, I sought therapy, which helped me learn to live my life separately.” —Jay P., 37

16. Give yourself permission to prioritize.

“After years of being available 24/7 to care for members of my family, my health started to deteriorate. I developed a chronic illness, and I had no choice but to put myself first in order to get my health back on track. It wasn’t easy though. Some of my family was frustrated with me, but I knew I had to do this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to help them anyway. After I explained this to my family, it took months of difficult conversations for them to understand. Eventually, they got it. Now, my family sees how much these boundaries have improved my health and my mood. They also see how taking time for myself increased my ability to be there for them. Today, I have an even better relationship with my family and myself.” —Kristin R., 43

The post 16 People Share How Their Family Boundaries Finally Stuck appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.05.24

How to Deal When You’re the Only Person in Your Family Who Goes to Therapy

It may be easier than you think. ByRozalynn S. Frazier

The road to self-discovery and healing is not an easy one. And family members who aren’t exactly on board with your efforts to live, feel, and be better can make things that much more difficult.

Maybe they don’t get why you’re in therapy, they talk shit about people who get mental health help (or the idea of it in general), or they just refuse to address their own emotional struggles. Whatever the case, it can be tough to spend time with your people when they’re not on the same growth trajectory as you—especially if they’re part of the reason you’re in therapy. *side eye*

Finding out a loved one is seeking therapy can make some people—especially parents—feel vulnerable, explains therapist Amanda Jurist, LCSW, who specializes in child, adolescent, family and adult psychotherapy. 

Your family members might interpret your decision to get mental health help or just your interest in it as a reflection of them or something they did wrong. They might also have negative ideas of what it means to struggle with your mental health and what it says about you. Plus that topic can bring up past traumas in the family or tough emotions around their lived experiences. All of these things play into how and why a family may react to conversations around therapy, says Jurist.

While you should definitely have some empathy for all of that, you’re also on your own journey. As you stick with therapy, you’ll develop more emotional intelligence. You’ll learn what dynamics work for you, which don’t, and what triggers your uncomfortable feelings, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, author of Retrain Your Anxious Brain. Over time, you can become more conscious of other people and how your actions impact them. 

Existing in these two realities can be super tough. You have a lot of self-awareness, but you have to interact with a family who might not. That’s frustrating as hell.

To help you better navigate this not-so-pleasant path, we asked mental health pros for tips to balance your personal growth with your family’s unwillingness or inability to work on themselves.

1. Resist preaching the gospel of therapy.

We get it. When you’re in therapy and making big progress, it can be hard not to drop hints or demand your family do it too. But you shouldn’t go there. Instead, you want to try to model how therapy is working for you and how you want to be treated by opening a dialogue (see: not pressuring them to see your side). 

Rather than trying to force therapy down your family’s throats, try something more subtle like, “I noticed that I had some tendencies I wanted to change, so I started going to therapy,” says Jurist. Then add, “If you’re ever curious about it, I’m happy to tell you more about my personal experience. It might be different from the impression you already have.”

If they seem more open, you could also invite them to take part with you, saying, “Hey, I have some things to unpack, and I feel safe doing it with my therapist, would you like to join me?” Maybe they’ll be down for a little family therapy.

2. Focus on your why.

The advice for sticking to a daily routine and navigating therapy with an unsupportive (toxic) family are kind of the same. In order to get through the hard times, you have to remember why you started out on this road in the first place. 

As you face jokes, critiques, or judgey comments about going to therapy, you need a mission statement to bring you back to the very real reasons you decided to get some help. Maybe it’s breaking toxic family cycles, overcoming the traumatic thing no one in your family talks about, or managing a mental health condition to feel better. 

Whatever your why, keeping it top of mind allows you to focus on the issues that matter and stay committed to your therapeutic process. When a family member confronts you and questions your decision-making, that’s when you tap into your why and use the tools you’ve learned in therapy to manage the situation.

Without this guiding light, it’s easy to revert to old patterns that have dictated how you interact with your family up to now, says Jurist. “When you are not actively working to be who you want to be, your muscle memory is your foundation,” she says. But if you remember why you’re trying to better yourself, you’ll be more equipped to handle others’ responses.

3. Assert yourself.

If your family isn’t big on setting boundaries or doesn’t see the value of listening to someone’s feelings, they can be disrespectful when the idea of therapy or taking care of your mental health comes up, says Tsilimparis.

While you can’t do much to change their rude or dismissive behavior, assertively communicating your feelings can raise your self-esteem over time and emphasize that your thoughts and feelings matter too. That can be really helpful if you’ve been too intimidated to speak up in the past, adds Tsilimparis. “Most of the time people have dysfunction with their families because they’re unable to express themselves openly and honestly.”

To start getting respectfully assertive, identify what you feel in this situation. This can soften the convo because you’re introducing your experience. It’s hard to be pissed when someone says they’re sad or hurt, you know? Then, identify the behavior that’s making you feel that way, not the person involved. Tsilimparis calls this the “what I see” part of the assertive statement, and it helps you hold the behavior accountable without being judgey or casting blame on whoever acted that way. Finally, identify what you need to feel better as a way to reinforce that you have a preference about how people treat you. 

For example, you could say, “I feel frustrated and hurt when people belittle me for seeking mental health help. I’d feel more at ease if everyone could try to understand or not talk about it at all.”

Again, there’s no guarantee your family will say, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll never do that again,” Tsilimparis says. There might even be push back, but if you keep speaking up when your feelings are hurt, after a while, they could realize this is really affecting you. “It elevates the chances that the [family member] might change their behavior.” 

4. Ease their fears.

If their reaction to, “I’ve recently started therapy!” is to shame you, a la Cersei Lannister’s  atonement walk, know that it’s more about them than you. “When someone feels so passionately against a thing that has nothing to do with them, there’s usually something else going on,” says Jurist. Right or wrong, “something about that moment gave them an opportunity to connect and dump emotionally.”

While it can be hard to know what set them off, Tsilimparis says the likely culprit is fear. “They may believe that the therapeutic process means you are slowly migrating away from the family,” he says. They might also be scared that you’ll tell their life story to someone they don’t know, he adds. It can also feel threatening when one member of a dysfunctional family changes or grows because they might have to change and grow too. 

“I remember when I first went to therapy, my mom said to me, ‘What is that woman telling you about us?’”says Tsilimparis. “I had to tell her it’s not about you, it’s about me. I’m taking responsibility for my life, and I’m going to therapy because I’m trying to get better.” 

If you can, ask your family what’s behind their strong reaction. Maybe they’ll be honest, maybe they won’t. Regardless, you can reassure your family that you love them and that you’re attempting to feel better—that’s nothing to be scared of, he says.

Just be careful not to take responsibility for your loved ones emotional state, says Jurist. “The emotional work is theirs to do, not yours.” 

5. Rethink your responses.

If your family is a real source of stress or drama, your therapist might be able to shed light on your dynamic, the roles people play, and how those can cause issues, says Jurist. From there, they can also help you shift out of the unhelpful role you play in this group, which could benefit you and your family (even if they don’t go to therapy). 

When you shake up the way you respond to old, dysfunctional patterns, like your mom’s passive aggressive comments or your brother’s outbursts, that changes up the whole family dynamic, says Jurist. When you decline to participate the way you used to, the rest of your family will be taken aback and maybe rethink the way they respond. You’re basically booping them out of an unconscious pattern. Maybe they end up reacting to your assertiveness or boundary in a way that’s healthier for everyone. You never know!

Even if they don’t immediately become better communicators or start expressing their feelings, they’ll be able to see how this shift in your reaction to their behavior benefits you. “Generally family members start to notice [when you make positive changes] and start to get curious,” says Jurist. A win is a win!

6. Disengage.

If you’ve tried everything on this list and your family is still talking trash, tell them you’re not willing to talk about this anymore, says Tsilimparis. Say something like, “We can talk about anything else, but let’s not talk about therapy,” he says. You can add, “Please don’t ask me about it or give your opinion on it.” 

When they’re still giving you a hard time, taking some space to detach for a bit can help. You don’t have to ghost them (you could though). Instead, give them a heads up with something like, “I’m going to take some space because I don’t feel comfortable talking about therapy with you all right now. Once I feel less activated about that, I’ll reach out.” There is nothing wrong with mentally creating space for yourself, adds Jurist. 

Hitting pause on the time you spend with them enables you to take care of your needs and reflect on the situation so you can find a path forward. “That’s the most valuable thing you can do for yourself,” she says.

The post How to Deal When You’re the Only Person in Your Family Who Goes to Therapy appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.29.24

How to Talk Politics With People You Like Without Losing Your Mind

Clear eyes, full hearts can’t lose. ByMolly Longman

In 2024, it’s difficult not to talk about politics. Whether your people are wearing the merch, posting memes, or re-hashing that debate, political talk is in the air. 

For a lot of us, it feels like candidates, elections, laws, and Supreme Court rulings are lurking around any given conversation, waiting to ruin the vibes and leave everyone annoyed. Even talking about the weather can feel tense with someone who’s still got questions about the whole climate change thing. 

Of course, chatting through our beliefs, values, and how the people in charge do their jobs is an important part of living in a democracy. It helps us learn about each other, find commonalities, share our perspective, and flex those First Amendment rights. 

So why does ~getting political~ in social settings often feel so bad? Well, if you’re talking politics with someone who doesn’t have the same views as you, that conversation can make you feel literally threatened, says Tania Israel, PhD, psychologist and author of Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation. 

And if you feel judged for your views during those chats, it can seem like your whole way of life is under attack, says Steven Meyers, PhD, clinical psychologist and professor and chair at Roosevelt University in Chicago. That’s because our life experiences, like where we came from, who raised us, and what we read, can inform the issues we feel deeply about, he explains. Our political beliefs can feel like a summation of our identity as a whole.

Even if your friends and fam agree with your perspective, these conversations can activate your emotions. Maybe your friends don’t seem to care enough—or they care too much and you just want to stop thinking about it. It’s a lot! And since miscommunications abound when we’re starting from a place of stress, it can get really messy, really fast.

Still, as we navigate divided, stressful, extremely political times, it’s natural for these headlines to come up with family, friends, and coworkers. Here, we spoke with experts about how to handle those convos (or see yourself out of them) so you can protect your peace and keep your relationships intact. 

Do a self assessment.

Sometimes these convos pop up out of nowhere. Other times, you might know that your uncle will stir the pot at the next family event. Either way, when it comes up (or before it does), check in with yourself to see if engaging in these topics makes sense for your current situation, says Dr. Meyers. 

If not, it’s totally fine to see yourself out or end a conversation. “Many people think closeness or intimacy means being able to share all of your thoughts and feelings with someone, but that’s not true,” Dr. Meyers says. Divulging every idea in your head—especially about political issues that might mean a lot to your friends and family—can trigger resentment, hostility, and conflict, he explains. “It’s OK to be selective for the sake of preserving your relationship.” 

Same goes for preserving your mental and emotional bandwidth. If you’re hungry, tired, stressed, worried, or tipping back drinks at a bar, it’s going to be challenging to engage in that conversation in a productive way, says Dr. Meyers. 

If you decide that, yeah, this isn’t going to end well, try to hit pause on that topic as quickly as possible. When you’re in a group, you can walk to the bathroom and play on your phone, sit back and listen to other people talk, head to the bar and order another drink, or go get dessert. However you quietly Homer Simpson yourself into the bush of inner peace is fair game. 

If your group is small or you’re one on one, try something like, “Sorry, I definitely have a lot of thoughts and feelings on this, but I’m too hungry to form a sentence.” Or “Yeah, I hear you, but maybe we can talk about this later. The news is already making my brain hurt.” Again, whatever you need to do to diffuse the convo is fine—just keep it short and sweet. 

Get clear on your goals.

Even if you’re ready to jump into this thing, don’t try to wing it. Instead, get intentional about what you hope to take away from this chat or just how you’d like to hold yourself during it. Knowing your goal ahead of time can help you focus your thoughts and dialogue, Dr. Meyers says.

Maybe you just want to know more about where the other person is coming from or get a better understanding of their values because you care about them, he explains. You might also want to share how the recent political news made you feel. 

You can even open this up to the group or the other person by asking, “What do you think we’ll get out of this conversation?” says Dr. Meyers. Talking about the purpose of talking, especially when the topic is emotionally charged, will keep everyone on the same page, he explains.

Once you have a goal, think about the best way to go about it. Will screaming statistics across the table get them interested in your take? Probably not! Will rolling your eyes at their points help you learn more about why they hold those beliefs? Likely no! 

No matter your goal, it’s useful to create a warm and trusting dialogue, no matter what your end game is, says Dr. Israel. “Even if we’re trying to persuade, the best way to do that is by drawing the other person out and understanding their values,” she says. 

Listen closely.

ICYMI, active listening is when you actively pay attention to what someone else is saying while they’re saying it. While this skill is super helpful in general, it’s great for keeping a political conversation on the rails, says Beth Silvers, author of I Think You’re Wrong, But I’m Listening. “We can connect so powerfully if we’re willing to share and tolerate the discomfort,” Silvers explains. 

This means focusing on the words coming out of their mouth instead of using that time to prepare a rebuttal, which does get uncomfortable. But it also gets easier with practice! Dr. Israel recommends this trick: After the other person finishes talking, summarize what they just said before adding in your thoughts. When you know you’re going to paraphrase them, you have to put your own thoughts aside to process what they’re saying. It also gives them the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings before you share your take, she adds.

If you’re up for it, you can take the somewhat awkward step of annotating the conversation as it happens, says Silvers. By saying the quiet part out loud, you’re being vulnerable and staying in the present moment by acknowledging the feelings this brings up for you. Plus it encourages them to do the same.

You can say, “I have to admit I’m surprised by what you’re saying because we usually see things similarly,” or “I’m feeling defensive in this discussion, and I’m sure you can feel that. I’m not mad at you. I think I’m just working through the discomfort of our disagreement,” says Silvers. Worth a shot! 

Check in with your physical feels. 

Anyone else get shaky, tense, or jittery amid a tough conversation? That’s normal when our bodies detect a threat, says Dr. Israel. You might also feel flush, breathe differently, clench your jaw, or get sweaty, adds existential psychotherapist Sara Kuburic, who has a doctorate in psychotherapy science (@millennial.therapist).

But when those sensations bubble up, it’s even harder to hear the other person, which isn’t great when you’re trying to avoid miscommunication, says Dr. Israel.

If you notice this kind of emotional activation, Dr. Kuburic recommends touching an article of clothing and noticing how it feels in your hand. You could also cross your arms and tap your fingers on the opposite elbow to bring you back into your body. “That can help calm the system, and you can do it in ways that people don’t even notice,” she notes. 

Feeling the ground under your feet or the chair under you can help you reduce stress too, says Dr. Israel. Once you do, you’re better able to listen and respond.

Don’t sweat the fails.

“A lot of these conversations depend on: How good are you at being in a disagreement without being disagreeable,” Dr. Meyers says. And, honestly, that can be really tough for most of us. So the fact that you’re trying to be better is a major accomplishment. The more you work at it, the easier it will feel to face a challenging viewpoint and keep your chill. 

And the good news/bad news is that if one political conversation gets out of pocket, you won’t have to wait long for the chance to have another one. It’s also OK if you never want to do this again. But if it’s something you want to keep working on, stay mindful, engaged, and actively listen. Those will help you learn to relax in otherwise tense situations. 

Don’t forget to decompress.

The day after the conversation, especially if it gets heated, it’s OK to follow up on how it all went. You can do this in person or just shoot a quick text, like, “Hey, I know things got a bit ~intense~ yesterday, and I wanted to see how you’re feeling about it.” You can ask for feedback or give yours, as long as you’re moving forward without retreading the same territory. This can help you preserve the relationship and air out any awkwardness or bad feelings.

As you do this, take some time for yourself post-convo too. Doing something that helps you relax can help you break any lingering tension from the day before, says Dr. Kuburic. And we could all use some of that right now.

The post How to Talk Politics With People You Like Without Losing Your Mind appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.10.24

How to Be Good at Confrontation—Without Being a Jerk

Love this journey for you. ByKylie Gilbert

Does the thought of telling a friend they hurt your feelings make your skin crawl? Would you sooner swim with sharks than confront your partner when you’re mad at them—even if they’re the one who effed up? Honestly, you’re not the only one. It can feel a lot easier to go through life avoiding confrontation (at least in the short term). But if it’s become your default mode, you’re not really doing yourself or anyone else a favor. 

Though it might sound intimidating, dramatic, or even aggressive, confrontation just means voicing your feelings, and it’s actually a normal, healthy part of human interaction, says Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell School of medicine and host of the How Can I Help? podcast. The ability to assert yourself, disagree, and express differing opinions enables you to be authentic and present in a relationship, Dr. Saltz says. 

And, unfortunately, avoiding conflict is pretty much impossible in long-term professional, platonic, or romantic relationships, says licensed therapist Erica Turner, LMFT, founder of Rosewater Therapy. And, despite what you may think, a completely confrontation-free relationship isn’t the goal. Disagreements, feeling hurt, or being impacted emotionally by someone are part of any significant dynamic.

That’s why learning how to do confrontation well is so important. Because if you just pretend everything is fine or get passive aggressive when someone does you dirty, it can fester. With this thing living between the two of you, “you might start acting a little different, then they act a little different, and the relationship dynamic shifts,” Turner says. Awkward!

Even if you think you’re doing a good thing by “keeping the peace,” not airing your thoughts and feelings can eventually lead to resentment and may keep your relationship from growing in a healthy way. If you don’t feel comfortable having an honest conversation about what’s on your mind, it puts a wall up between you and the other person, no matter how close you are, Turner adds.

In short, confrontation doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever. But if you’re still struggling to be open about your feels, we’ll explain why that could be and share a few expert-backed strategies for overcoming an allergy to confrontation. Look at you go! 

Why do I hate confrontation so much? 

Most people don’t enjoy conflict, but for some, anything that raises the emotional temperature feels scary, says Dr. Saltz. 

This happens for a bunch of reasons. Some lack the confidence to assert their opinion without feeling rejected or criticized. Or they might worry about damaging a relationship that’s important to them, Dr. Saltz says. Maybe you lost a friend this way or had an ex who turned even minor disagreements into a blowout fight. As a result, you might not feel safe voicing your feelings. 

Our early experiences and relationships with parents, siblings, or other caretakers can also shape our response to conflict, Turner says. Maybe your parents’ arguments made you feel like you needed to stay small to keep the peace, or perhaps they downplayed conflict and pretended nothing was wrong—even when it obviously was. In any case, if confrontation wasn’t modeled for you in a safe and healthy way, you can feel physically uncomfortable when conflict comes up now. You likely get the urge to shut it down or make it go away somehow, Turner adds. (And even if that’s been your default for a while, it’s not effective conflict management on your part.)

You might also avoid confronting certain people, especially the ones who never hear you out or take accountability. If every time you try to open up to your mom she shuts down and goes on a melodramatic rant about how she must be such a horrible mother, you probably won’t bother next time. That makes sense.

How to be better at confrontation

Ahead, expert-backed steps for overcoming an aversion to confrontation when you need to address a problem, check someone’s uncool behavior, or just speak your truth. 

1. Separate confrontation from aggression.

If the idea of confronting someone freaks you out, try to shift your perspective from I’m being aggressive to I’m being assertive, Dr. Saltz says. Truth is, confrontation is about being assertive, not provoking a fight. And rethinking the false narrative you have around speaking up makes confronting someone way less scary, she adds. It can also make you feel as entitled to assert your POV or kick off important conversations as anyone else is. Hey, it’s a start! 

2. Set a clear goal.

To make this confrontation count, think through your ideal outcome. Turner suggests asking yourself: What am I looking for in this conversation? What do I hope happens as a result? And what do I need? 

Maybe you’re looking for acknowledgement, an apology, or reassurance. Maybe you’re hoping they’ll change their behavior and be more mindful of your feelings going forward. Maybe what you need is for them to just listen to you share your side of the issue. Whatever your goals, you can use them to lay the groundwork for a more constructive conversation and inspire you to follow through when you feel like backing down.

3. Rehearse what you want to say. 

Many people hate conflict because they’re afraid of losing control, Dr. Saltz says. And you might! The other person could fly off the handle or you might accidentally go rogue and spill 10 years of pent up resentment. While you can’t control everything, practicing what you want to say can definitely diminish your anxiety and the chances that this convo goes off the rails, Turner says.

Dr. Saltz suggests creating a script with the points you want to make and the words you want to use so you can get comfortable. Then, start role playing with someone else or perform your speech in the mirror. This exercise can help you release some of the frazzled energy and anxiety around the conversation now, so you feel ready to confidently confront the other person later.

4. Lead with vulnerability. 

If you’re not sure where to start your script, keep the focus on your feelings, says Dr. Saltz. You can do that by using I statements, like “I feel hurt when this thing happens.” That kind of phrasing highlights how the situation impacts you, rather than casting judgment on the person or circumstances responsible for your pain, explains Dr. Saltz. 

Since you’re reading this, you likely know it’s often hard to be upfront about your feelings in this way, but doing so might actually work in your favor, says Turner. “People tend to respond well to our vulnerability,” she explains.

Say you want to confront a friend about leaving you out of plans. You can be honest and open about your emotions while addressing the issue by saying, “When I heard that you all spent time together last weekend and didn’t invite me, I was feeling left out and like I might have done something wrong or that you didn’t want me around.” When you keep your emotions front and center, you’re asking them to understand the feeling that their behavior created for you, Dr. Saltz says.

From there, you can say that you wanted to better understand what happened because this friendship means so much to you (yay more vulnerability!), then give them the floor to respond. “All we can do is invite the other person to participate in the conversation in a way that’s authentic and transparent and real,” Turner explains. There you have it.

5. Do it in person if you can.

While it might be tempting and perhaps less intimidating to copy and paste your confrontation script from your Notes app to a text message, texting isn’t a great method for expressing complicated feelings, Dr. Saltz says. With texting, “you lose so much. All you have are your words,” adds Turner.

Having a conversation that’s live and interactive (read: not a stream of consciousness voice memo) enables you to see the other person’s body language and facial expressions and vice versa, Turner says. That can give you a lot more information about how the other person receives whatever you’re telling them and their response. Also, sharing your feelings out loud and in person can teach you that confrontation really isn’t as terrifying as it seems. Over time, you might not even sweat it so much.

While IRL is the best case scenario, if it’s not possible, opt for FaceTime, Zoom, or just a phone call.

6. Stick to the core issue.

Fun fact, when you confront someone, it can be hard for them to hear you out (even if you’re being the most vulnerable person ever), says Turner. That’s why it’s important to get to the point right away.

Whether it’s a one-time incident or a pattern of behavior, be clear, specific, and try not to get off track rattling off multiple issues. If you do get sidetracked, Turner says they’re more likely to hear some variation of,  “You can’t do anything right,” or “I hate you.” Assuming that’s not what you mean, this interpretation is not helpful at all.

7. Remember: It’s a conversation, not a monologue.

Again, one of the goals of confronting someone you care about should be to try to understand their thinking and to get clarity on the situation, which requires hearing them out too, Dr. Saltz says. Even if you don’t necessarily like what they have to say, being good at confrontation means actually listening and empathizing with the other person, Dr. Saltz explains. 

Keep in mind, even if you’ve been thinking about what you want to say for hours, days, weeks, months or, hey, maybe even years, the other person may have no clue you’ve been feeling this way, Turner says. So give them a chance to meet you where you are and, depending on the situation, be open to having a follow-up chat to work through it so you can both have a chance to express your thoughts and feelings. It’s always worth it in the end.

The post How to Be Good at Confrontation—Without Being a Jerk appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 03.11.24

6 Things People Learned From Family Therapy

It’s not as finger-pointy as it sounds. ByIsabel Mata

When things between you and your family just aren’t clicking, it can be tough to mend those bonds. And let’s face it, resorting to screaming matches, the silent treatment, or just “letting it go” doesn’t usually make the holidays (or, hell, Tuesdays) any more manageable. Thankfully, family therapy exists. And let me tell you, it’s not as scary and finger-pointy as it sounds. 

Family therapy is exactly what it sounds like: It’s a therapist-guided vent session with your relative(s). The goal is to provide a space (with an outsider’s expert perspective) to address issues that cause confusion, pain, or disruption in the group dynamic, says licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC. That can come in clutch when families face unexpected challenges or significant change, like moving, divorce, or loss. 

For my sister and I, family therapy was a safe space to share how our childhood impacted us. Although we grew up in the same household and are relatively close in age, our parents’ divorce impacted us very differently. While I acted out, desperately seeking attention, my sister retreated, isolating herself from the chaos around us. We never learned how to properly communicate. Instead, we yelled, fought, and blamed each other. 

Working with a counselor helped us realize families aren’t destined to be dysfunctional based on some past drama. We could repair our bond—just like with any other relationship—and see our connection as a partnership that needed some TLC. Our sit-downs—two hour-long sessions per month for six months—focused on revisiting past experiences and holding a constructive dialogue where we felt heard and validated. Now, my sister and I call each other weekly, which is a big freaking deal for us. And when we hang up, we feel fulfilled and satisfied with our relationship. 

If you’re seriously considering family therapy but are still intimidated, it can help to hear from brave souls who took the plunge. So, let’s dive into a few personal stories and lessons learned from the experience.

1. It can help you actually hear each other.

When you’re in a fight with someone in your fam, you might resort to your worst behavior (no judgment). What’s helpful about having a therapist is that they can serve as a referee and call you both out when you’re communicating terribly. Kelsey C., 24, says that when she went to therapy with her dad and two brothers, being on neutral ground helped them vent without others becoming defensive. “The experience was really great because it provided a safe environment for me to share ways my dad made me feel bad or experiences that had a huge effect on me growing up.” When people aren’t on guard, they’re more likely to listen and comprehend what you’re saying. And that’s what happened for Kelsey. “Turns out, there were so many moments that he didn’t even realize affected me,” she adds. 

Once everyone said their piece, Kelsey says her dad apologized and showed remorse for everything that happened within the first session. They still have a ways to go before the relationship is fully mended, she admits, but therapy definitely kickstarted the journey in the healthiest way possible. “Without therapy, we would have a harder time listening to each other and moving forward.”

2. You can ditch expired family roles. 

If you have siblings, you might know what it feels like to be stuck playing the role of the pampered baby, low-maintenance (aka oft-ignored) middle child, or reliable eldest, for example. And if you’ve tried to burst out of those claustrophobic and growth-stifling boxes, it can be frustrating when your family doesn’t get the memo and treats you like your kid self.

When I went to therapy with my older sister, I brought up how it seemed like she still saw me as a child, a troublemaking girl who cried wolf and was just generally a lot. It bothered me so much and made me feel like I couldn’t evolve as a person. But, thanks to therapy, I was able to talk through how I’ve changed and she could do the same. It helped us form new perspectives on each other. Now, maybe for the first time, I feel like she actually treats me like an adult. We both felt major relief. 

3. It can teach you how to deal with conflict. 

Even when you know how much someone means to you, it’s challenging to overcome past hurts. For Sara K., 32, family therapy helped her and her mom repair their rocky relationship after Sarah’s dad passed away. “I desperately wanted to connect with my mom in case I, God forbid, lost her too,” Sara says. 

At first, they couldn’t get through a single session without fighting. But their therapist taught them some communication skills they could use in and out of therapy. “Before therapy, we would go in circles fighting, never really listening to each other. Now, we know how to take a step back, use our ‘I’ statements, and listen more effectively.” 

If she hadn’t asked her mom to give therapy a shot or committed to doing the work, Sara is confident they wouldn’t have learned to effectively communicate when things get heated. 

4. You can find common ground. 

If you haven’t heard, determining your values is basically the key to happiness and healthy connections. While you might know what’s most important to you (boldness! optimism! knowledge!), it’s not as easy to pinpoint other people’s wants and needs. One of my favorite things about family therapy was writing down all my personal values and comparing them to my sister’s. Afterward, our therapist had us pick a few qualities to define the ideal core of our relationship. We settled on authenticity, openness, honesty, and respect. Now, we constantly ask ourselves if we’re representing those values whenever we interact. If the answer is no, we look for different ways to communicate. 

5. You might better understand their struggles.

Even if you’ve spent tons of time with your family, you probably don’t know everything that’s going on in their world. That’s typically fine (like, who needs to know every detail about their sibling’s dating life?). Sometimes, though, elephants in the room can make you unsure of how to interact with or help your crew. 

After I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my sister wanted to go to therapy with me to learn more about the condition and understand how she can support me. I’m so grateful she took that step because I finally had a safe space to tell her all the ways the diagnosis impacted my relationships. For example, when we were kids, she thought I acted out to get attention. Really, I had a fear of abandonment that pushed me to latch onto others. 

Through therapy, she understood my experience and ditched the preconceived notions that kept us from truly bonding. Ultimately, it helped us let go of any resentment and move forward from a place of respect and compassion. 

6. It can help you process shared trauma. 

Dealing with traumatic experiences can be an unfortunate part of life. For Morgan H., 35, and her little sister, they’ll never forget the terrifying moment in 2016 when someone screamed “shooter” in the John F. Kennedy airport as they were headed off on their first girls’ trip together. 

Morgan froze amid the chaos and ended up beneath a pile of travelers as her sister tried to pull her out. “In that moment, our dynamic changed; she was no longer the little sister who relied on me,” Morgan recalls. Needless to say, they weren’t in the vacation mood after hours of stress and an apparent near-death experience. They canceled their trip, headed home, and Morgan worried about incoming trauma. Because while the incident turned out to be a false alarm, the psychological impact of it felt instantly real. 

Therapy can be a great way to deal with scary shit, and it can be especially healing to go with the person who survived an incident with you. Knowing that, Morgan suggested she and her sister speak with her therapist together. “We needed someone to help us make sense of it all; to help us deal with the shared PTSD that I suspected would follow in the days and years to come,” she says. 

Through family therapy, Morgan realized that while she prided herself on being the protective big sister, they’d have to take turns being strong for each other. Since that turning point, they’ve seen each other as equals, as ride-or-dies or no matter what. It’s no longer about who’s younger or older; it’s about who needs the support and who will be there to pick the other one up, which has made their bond stronger, Morgan says.

The post 6 Things People Learned From Family Therapy appeared first on Wondermind.