Essay Link Copied 12.09.24

I’ll Be Sober for Christmas

This is how I do the holidays without drinking and have a better time than ever. ByWill Ganss

Let me start by saying that I really love the holiday season. We’re talking Mariah-Carey levels of yuletide devotion here. Not that you’re asking, but here are some quick Christmas credentials for you: 

• I have flown across the country to visit the world’s largest ugly Christmas sweater (big enough for the Statue of Liberty to wear). Yes, I climbed inside of it.
• I’ve worn a Buddy the Elf costume atop the Empire State Building.
• I live in a typically tiny New York City apartment, but I’m rocking around two full-sized Christmas trees in my living room this time of the year. 
• I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana for the sole purpose of telling you that I’ve traveled to Santa Claus, Indiana. 

So I hope you’ll believe me when I say that I thought I had achieved peak Christmas spirit. Like the Claus-o-meter on Santa’s sleigh (See: the last five minutes of Elf), there was simply no way for my world to get more twinkly, more jingly, or more jolly. 

But, ho-ho-hold up. Turns out, I was wrong. A few years ago, I unwrapped the gift of sobriety, put alcohol on the naughty list, and suddenly the entire holiday season hit a new level of tinsel-tinged love-fest, one I assumed only happened to George Bailey on the silver screen. 

But ditching the drink this time of year is no reindeer game. It’s tough work. While most of us can do Dry January, especially after the celebrations have worn us out, the holidays are a fizzy-fueled, boozy, bubbly affair. 

Exhibit A: During my first Thanksgiving home as a sober person, my dad cracked open a gorgeous bottle of wine and hosted a mini-tasting at the dinner table. My newly sober fingers gripped a can of LaCroix with the intensity of the Grinch lugging all of the Christmas crap up Mount Crumpit. And yet, I made it through that dinner… and several holiday seasons since.

In my opinion, sobriety during the holidays is a lot like the end of Home Alone. After planes, pains, and automobile rides with the Polka King of the Midwest, there’s nothing like returning home to yourself, to your family, and to the season that makes life a little more sparkly. Sure, there’s always a Wet Bandit or two ready to throw you off, but with enough preparation, you’ll defend your sobriety the way Kevin has the McAllister house on lockdown (no swinging paint cans required).

Here are the biggest lessons I’ve learned about spending the holidays sober. Please enjoy this list, I’ve checked it twice.

1. Being sober helps me focus on the good stuff.

I understand why drinking this time of the year escalates. We’re feeling festive, we’re feeling flirty, we’re blunting the painfully awkward small talk with extended family, the list could go on forever. 

But in sobriety, I’ve learned I can experience all the best parts of the season more fully: the closeness to family and friends, the ability to express my love for them, the peace of cold winter nights I crave all year long, the levity of an ugly sweater party without crushing hangxiety. The nostalgia of all this, which meant so much to me as a kid, feels like a gift in itself. 

Don’t get me wrong. Deleting the alcohol also means raw dogging all the tough parts too. There’s no trap door to exit an awkward conversation with your uncle. There’s no numbing the feeling of grief that pops up when you take stock of the loved ones who are no longer with us around the holidays. But when there’s nothing between you and the magic of the season, you’re bound to feel so much more of the good stuff too.

2. Nonalcoholic liquid courage gets the job done.

OK, this might be obvious, but if I’m going to a work holiday party, a college friend’s ugly sweater get-together, or whatever, keeping a beverage in my hand at all times throughout the event serves many purposes.

Sure, an emotional support bevvie whilst sober keeps people from asking if I need a drink. But it has other secret powers, especially at a holiday shindig. You can take a sip when there’s a lull in the conversation or use it as an excuse to leave a boring one (“I’m gonna go get a refill!”). You can use it for toasts and holiday hear-hearing. You’ll feel included, ready to participate in festivities, and less physically awkward (“I don’t know what to do with my hands!”). What can’t she do?

3. There’s always a vibe shift.

There’s that moment in every holiday party when the vibe shifts. It’s usually subtle. Someone starts repeating a story they told you an hour ago. Someone’s hand lingers a little too long after a hug. Someone else starts crying. That’s when I make like Kevin McAllister and go Home Alone. 

The holidays are already an exhausting season, and our shiny, sober selves don’t need the added strain of witnessing Deb from accounting barf up eggnog at the holiday party. When I get the sense that things are taking a turn, here are my excuses to jet:

• I’m taking photos for my holiday card tomorrow, and I want to look fresh.
• I’m volunteering in the morning, so I gotta appear charitable and fresh-faced bright and early.
• Family is coming into town—and I don’t want to host them hungover.
• I’m a grown man, and I don’t need to explain myself to you, Ted. 

4. No party is more important than my mental and physical health.

As someone who spent a majority of my late 20s and early 30s single, I have felt especially uncomfortable in rooms where everyone else is coupled up. Those feelings of insecurity can easily turn into whispers of, Grab a drink. It’ll help relax you. Those were the parties I skipped—even the holiday ones.

Doing holiday events in an election year is also triggering. For example, I have extended family members who are on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me. While some of them can delicately acknowledge that, others cannot. Over the last couple of years, I’ve learned that it’s not worth risking my sobriety for a gift exchange with relatives who want to convince me that my views about my own humanity are incorrect. Instead, I send my regrets and a lovely basket of peppermint bark. 

My takeaway here is that not everyone deserves access to me—especially if they’re going to jeopardize this commitment I’ve made to my health this holiday season. To quote the Grinch, “6:30. Dinner with me. I can’t cancel that again!”

5. Non-drinking activities create nostalgic memories.

Traditionally, the holidays are a time to sit around, yap, and drink. So I have found that planning activities that don’t revolve around drinking is a great way to start new traditions that make me feel nostalgic for years to come. 

Last year, my parents, brother, and I did an escape room together over the winter break, and we still talk about the fun we had. There’s another tradition we’ve incorporated called The Peppermint Pig. We buy a pig literally made of peppermint about the size of a TV remote, and take turns sharing a favorite memory of the year gone by. After that, we take a tiny hammer and crack the pig. Once we’re all caught up on the moments that meant the most to us over the last year, we’ve got bite-sized pieces of peppermint to share. We’ve also become partial to games like Loaded Questions, Code Names, or card games like Five Crowns and Pass The Trash. 

Since getting sober, I was surprised at how rewarding it is to spend time with my family outside of just drinking and yapping. Because this time of year is steeped in tradition, it’s lovely to look back at photos and remind myself of all the fun we had and all the special memories we created that have nothing to do with booze. For me, it’s comparable to reflecting on my childhood Christmases, but even more gratifying because I had a hand in making these memories happen. 

6. Releasing the relationships that aren’t working is a gift to myself.

I assumed that, when I stopped drinking, each of my friendships, relationships, and acquaintanceships would magically improve without the blurred lines that come with a couple vodka cranberries. And my good friendships did level up. I was able to show up as a better friend, son, brother, boyfriend, whatever. But those wobbly relationships, especially the ones centered on drinking together, sort of faded. 

This time of year, embracing that fact can feel like a big relief. It clears space on my social calendar and makes room for people who are aligned with my values now. You don’t realize how stressful a forced friendship is until you let it go. 

7. I’m so proud of everyone else on this journey too.

As we settle into my very favorite season of the year, here’s to you, my sweet, sober snowman or snowwoman. Reach out to a fellow non-drinker if you have any questions or need any support. Whatever your reason for taking a little break (or a forever break) from drinking, I’m proud of you for deciding to upgrade your life in this way. You can do it!

The post I’ll Be Sober for Christmas appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.26.24

17 Actually Helpful Tips for Dating While Sober

From people who get the struggle. BySam Brodsky

Maybe you stopped drinking because you couldn’t shake the hangxiety, or you didn’t like Drunk You, or your dry bank account begged for a Dry January. And while making that choice is a really big, important, and impressive step, it can be a lot if you’re currently single and dating.

For starters, you’re not wrong if you feel like alcohol is never not  served where dates happen. And that’s not ideal if you’re trying to avoid it or don’t trust that you can when it’s on the menu.

Then there’s the whole judgment and rejection thing. Will the person you’re going out with be cool with your sobriety? Will they be freaked out by the reasons you’re not drinking? Those questions can also make sober dating extra intimidating, says psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC.

Going into a date without a buzz might also mean feeling less confident, sexy, or flirty than you would after a glass or two, explains Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, who’s been alcohol-free and in recovery since 2015. It’s a lot harder to relax in the presence of a new person without that liquid courage, you know?

So, yeah, sober dating is not for the faint of heart, but it might also be better than you expected. Here, we spoke with therapists and sober daters for the things that helped them or their clients feel good and make meaningful connections minus the booze. Take what works for you! 

1. Know your limits.

“If you’re someone who doesn’t drink, then it’s up to you to determine what your limits are when it comes to dating. Can you be around alcohol socially without compromising your values or sobriety? Can you kiss someone who has alcohol on their breath? Can you date someone whose lifestyle revolves around drinking? Each person will be different.” —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST 

2. Don’t settle for disrespect.

“Sobriety is a huge part of my identity, and I’m very comfortable talking about it. But if someone surrounds themself with drinking and doesn’t respect your own sobriety, it won’t work. It’s not a good fit, and it’s not worth rolling the dice with your life.” —Jay D., 43 

3. Bring up your sobriety right away.

“I don’t drink because of mental health reasons and because I’ve found that the comedown from drinking alcohol is not worth whatever buzz I experience in the moment. In the past, telling people that I didn’t drink while we were making plans to meet up for a date eliminated any in-person awkwardness. They’d go into the date knowing where I stood. Most people were like my now-wife, who said it was no big deal when I told her. But, in the rare instances where there was pushback, that red flag saved me a lot of time and energy.” —Lilly P., 27

4. Add your sobriety status to your dating profile. 

“Over the years of sober dating in New York City, I’ve tried putting ‘sober’ on my dating app profile, waiting until we DMed to tell them I’m sober, or telling them IRL. Putting ‘sober’ on my profile was the most efficient route for me. I didn’t like wasting my time or my date’s time only to find out that they don’t want to date someone who doesn’t drink.” —Tawny Lara 

5. Make a list of booze-free activities.

“If you’re asked out for drinks and you don’t want to be around alcohol, you can suggest an alternative like a coffee shop or walk. Make a list of these non-alcohol dates—it never hurts to have ideas prepped that don’t revolve around drinking.” —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST 

6. Focus on connection. 

“Being in an alcohol-free setting might give you time to build rapport with someone new before you bring up your sobriety. There’s no risk of alcohol becoming a distraction.” —psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC

7. Do something you already know you like.

“January 2024 was my eighth Dry January, and I’ve done a number of Sober Octobers, Sober Septembers, Dry Julys, and consecutive months in between. If you’re worried that sober dating won’t be fun, pick something to do that you are genuinely interested in. Go to a yoga or HIIT class that you know you’re going to enjoy. If you’re dying to check out an art gallery, food festival, or some sports game, suggest that to your date. You still might find out that the person  isn’t super fun—that’s a sucky thing that can happen—but at least the activity will be great.” —Hilary Sheinbaum, author of The Dry Challenge and Going Dry: A Workbook

8. Speak up when you’re uncomfortable. 

“When you reevaluate your relationship with booze, it’s helpful to establish boundaries with dates who still drink. For example, if kissing someone with boozy breath is a turnoff or makes you rethink your sobriety, you could say, ‘Would you mind brushing your teeth before we have some sexy time? The smell of whiskey is a little triggering for me.’ If you’re uneasy about going to a restaurant that serves alcohol, you could be like, ‘I’d rather not eat at restaurants that serve alcohol right now. How about we try that new frozen yogurt spot for dessert after I cook dinner?'” —Tawny Lara

9. If you need to, date someone sober (or sober-ish).

“Personally, I avoid dating somebody actively struggling with addiction because it jeopardizes my own sobriety. But it’s a personal decision. Many successful couples thrive despite having different relationships with alcohol—one may drink socially while the other doesn’t. That said, a sober person might find it challenging to be with a heavy drinker. If this would make you uncomfortable, find a partner who shares your views.” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

10. Find a confidence boost elsewhere. 

“If booze helped you feel more confident before a date, try texting a selfie of your date-night outfit to the group chat. Those fire emojis will give you the feel-good boost you need to get out the door.” —Tawny Lara

11. Remember that it gets easier.

“I was 26 when I got sober because I had a really problematic relationship with alcohol. The dating scene was tricky to navigate because not drinking was a lot more unusual six years ago. The first sober date is always terrifying, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. My first one was ironically at a pub! I definitely struggled to make conversation. Now, I’m way more prepared with questions ahead of time just in case my mind goes blank.” —Millie Gooch, founder of Sober Girl Society 

12. Give nonalcoholic drinks a shot.

“There are some amazing nonalcoholic options these days. Free Spirits has canned cocktails that are great for tailgating or pregaming, FLUÉRE has amazing spirits for mixing and muddling during at-home date nights, and Do’Mo has zero-proof elixirs for picnics or the beach. And if you’re looking for places that serve nonalcoholic drinks, you can use the Better Without app.” —Hilary Sheinbaum

13. Try ~the apps~.

“Meeting people in real life while pursuing your own hobbies or interests is a great option, but there are several sober dating apps out now or launching soon. A few are Loosid, Club Pillar, and Drybaby.” —Tawny Lara

14. Focus on learning more about the person you’re with.

“As a psychologist who often works with clients struggling within the dating scene, I see that it’s common for many people to use alcohol as a social lubricant. But I encourage people who want to rely less on substances to go on a date with the mindset that they’re just trying to learn more about a stranger, even if the relationship doesn’t go anywhere after that. Topics like travel, ‘would you rather’s, embarrassing memories, and two truths and a lie can all be great icebreakers.” —clinical psychologist Cynthia Shaw, PsyD

15. Calm your dating nerves in other ways.

“There’s nothing wrong with feeling nervous—it’s part of the process. But there are a lot of ways to calm your mind and body without substances. Personally, I find a cold plunge or cold shower helpful for getting me out of that fight or flight mode. Having a friend on the phone for support before the date can also help manage stress.” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

16. Remember why you stopped drinking.

“People (at least the ones you should probably date) are attracted to others who have the strength to make positive life choices. By the time I started dating in sobriety, I was turning my life around and was proud of myself. I wasn’t ashamed of mistakes I made in my past, and I knew I added positively to society. I know my wife never would have dated me if I drank like I used to, and, even though she isn’t a recovering alcoholic, she respected me for my decision to better myself. Confidence in sobriety is sexy. Try not to hesitate when you talk about it.” —Jay D., 43 

17. Embrace the present. 

“One of the wonderful things about being sober and dating is that you have a clear head, which means you’re able to be more present with the other person. Dating sober also lets you recognize if you and the other person are compatible more quickly—and alcohol isn’t influencing whether you think you mesh well. It is more than possible to enjoy dating and build meaningful connections without booze!” —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 17 Actually Helpful Tips for Dating While Sober appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 05.23.23

12 People Get Candid About Living With Addiction

If this hits close to home, you’re not alone. ByJay Deitcher

If you’ve ever consumed literally any type of media, you’ve probably been flooded with ideas of what it’s like to be an addict (looking at you, Skins and Charlie Sheen interviews). In pop culture, people with addiction issues are often portrayed as sexy, creative, and tragic all at once. You typically see stories of addiction reduced to one-dimensional cautionary tales of drug or alcohol use gone bad. Other times, addiction is glamorized as the vice of brilliant, creative people, like in nearly every biopic where a white male character falls from grace one moment and drafts a killer song the next.

In reality, addiction can look different for everyone. In my early 20s, I started using alcohol and sleeping pills to cope with the anxiety I struggled with since I was a kid. I stopped leaving my childhood bedroom and started cracking cans of malt liquor in the dark, afraid to go outside. When I used, I wanted to be that hot drunk rockstar, but I was more like the fried egg brain from the Partnership For A Drug-Free America PSA. (Yep, in my case, they were kind of on to something with those ads). 

My life revolved around the first sip each day: a flash of fire blazing through my veins, making everything alright for just a moment. As much as I wanted to turn back, I was hooked on alcohol for years and felt trapped by shame. “Many people still view addictions as simple habits that can be stopped at any point,” says therapist Jennifer Covarrubias, LMFT, clinical director at the Mental Health Center of San Diego. But, for many, addiction of any kind (even porn addiction) is a form of coping that helps people survive. And choosing to be sober can become a daily battle, she adds. “That lack of understanding perpetuates the cycle of shame and stigma surrounding addiction.”

Through the years, I began a cycle of relapses, with brief stops in hospital detoxes, and I quickly lost faith that I could ever get sober, telling myself, “Why try?” This lack of hope seeped through everything in my life: jobs, relationships, family. 

In 2006, at the age of 25, I finally gave sobriety a shot, accepting that I had no clue how to live life sober but could no longer survive drinking. I sought support in self-help groups, but it took years away from pills and alcohol before I was able to brush off my shame and hopelessness and recognize my potential.

As someone recovering from substance misuse, reading or seeing more nuanced portrayals of addiction—and different types of addiction—could have helped me feel less alone sooner. And, for the people who care about me, these honest addiction quotes might’ve helped them get a better understanding of what I was going through before I was able to explain it myself. That’s why hearing the stories of people who actually know what addiction is like can be so crucial for generating more compassion and empathy around this mental health struggle.  

Here, 11 people who faced different kinds of addictions share their journey and what the road to recovery looked like for them.

1. It was fun—until it wasn’t. 

“When I first got into gambling in my early 30s, I loved sports already, so it seemed like an awesome source of income. A lot of people don’t understand how fun gambling addiction is. It’s fun to circle games in the newspaper that you’re gonna bet on. It’s fun to delude yourself into thinking you have an edge. But eventually, it overtook my free time. My friends and I would be out with our girlfriends, and we’d be staring at a TV in the corner of the bar, not talking to people. I’d sneak to the bathroom to check scores. I’d wake up each morning and immediately pore over results. It got so consuming that when I was visiting my dad who was in the hospital for cancer surgery, I ducked out to the hospital’s public computer to place bets. On top of that, I was losing. I waited longer than I should have to say, ‘this is enough,’ but when I was around 34, I finally quit and did not look back.” —John B., 56

2. Pain relievers made me feel like a better mother. 

“I was prescribed pain relievers to recover from a C-section, and in addition to helping the pain, it helped relieve some of the symptoms from my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. About seven months later, I was in a completely different mental state. I was depressed and anxious and suicidal and homicidal. And when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, doctors gave me more pain relievers, and it just made everything seem a little more bearable. I felt like the pills allowed me to be a better mother because I felt better about myself when I was taking them. The drugs didn’t get rid of my depression and anxiety, but they made my mind feel calmer, so life felt manageable. 

Although my son was always my priority, I also had a job to find as many pills as possible. That meant I did embarrassing, horrible things like invite myself over for a playdate in order to search another parent’s medicine cabinet.

This past January, I celebrated seven years sober. Life has still been difficult, especially when I lost my sister to suicide in 2018, but I didn’t need opiates to get through. Instead, I tapped into therapy. I’ve been on medication to support my mental health, and I try hard to be present and to savor the moments I have with my kids.” —Jen S., 45

3. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. 

“I had received mixed messages growing up from my mother and my grandmother, who would tell me I had to eat, but I couldn’t eat too much. I have been put on diets since the time I was born. I felt completely unlovable, and the only solution that I had for that shame was eating. 

After my food addiction worsened, I developed high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and diabetes. My doctor wanted to put me on medications, and I had adverse reactions to those medications. Then I found a community of others working on their food addiction, and for the most part, they helped me learn to eat in a much better way. I also discovered a newfound love for working out. Maybe it’s replacing one addiction with another, the way someone replaces drinking with going to Alcoholics Anonymous, but exercising has provided such quality to my life.” —Joan P., 63

4. I was missing out on real connections. 

“As soon as I felt sadness or anything other than elation, I would find somebody to flirt with. Sex and love addicts can have unhealthy relationships, and we can create drama to escape negative feelings. When I’d meet someone I was attracted to, I’d get a jolt, like a cattle prod. I would assign magical qualities to them, and the moment they didn’t live up to that fantasy of being there for me all the time (texting me back instantly and all those unrealistic things we put on other human beings), the high wore off, the butterflies dispersed, the bottom would drop out, and I would see the real person. It was like the drug was gone, so I’d think, Who’s my next victim?

When I hit my bottom, I thought, Am I going to be on my deathbed having never fully connected to another person? I realized I was going to do this forever, and I decided I couldn’t.

There’s so much shame around being a sex and love addict, especially as a woman, but I refuse to have shame over this. Today, I’m fully connected to everyone in my life. I’ve been happily married for 18 years, and I have a son that I show up for 100% emotionally with clear boundaries. I have stable relationships with my family of origin. I have no one in my life that causes drama. I am free from the bondage of my own making. It’s a beautiful way to live, no longer using other people to complete me. I’m whole.” —Brianne D., 41

5. I sought validation on Twitter.

“When I was younger, I would have panic attacks when I didn’t have access to the internet. One day, I was away from a computer all day, attending school, visiting Ellis Island, and going to a doctor’s appointment. I was in three states in one day, and I freaked out in public because I was unable to get online. 

As a millennial and someone with autism, I get a dopamine rush from trying to speak with celebrities on social media. I often feel like I am one click away from talking with a famous movie star. … A celebrity messaged me once when my mother was dying from cancer to offer me well wishes on Twitter. Now, I’m constantly trying to repeat that interaction. Growing up with a disability was hard, and pop culture allowed me to escape. Getting validation from the people I idolized seemed to bring me into their worlds. Today, I focus on relationships with people who are part of my real life.” —Jennifer R., 26

6. I was in survival mode. 

“I grew up uber-privileged in Laguna Beach and Newport Beach, California. But all of that privilege never protected me from being molested as a child. At age 15, I began selling my body for sex—not that I needed the money, but that’s the way that trauma energy began to come out. I also became addicted to cocaine, going into survival mode. And at the same time, I became an overachiever, attending New York University and becoming a journalist. 

Eventually, I found myself getting high in the parking lot of KTLA 5, the station I worked at in Los Angeles. One night I overdosed and was found nearly dead behind a dumpster. I was in a coma for about a week. The staff wanted to call my friends and family to come to the hospital, but no one knew about my drug use. I wasn’t ready to face that reality. 

I walked out of the hospital, walked down Hollywood Boulevard, found my truck, and got high. In a matter of days, I overdosed again and ended up in the same ER, with the same team of doctors. I was shown a lot of empathy and compassion by a frontline nurse who made me promise to attend an AA meeting when I got out. My recovery journey began that day.” —Brandon L., 43

7. I was going to hurt myself or someone else.

“My mother told me to stay off the streets and not to use drugs, so I used alcohol. When you start drinking, it’s hard to believe that you could become an addict. You think because you are just having fun and everyone drinks that you will never end up like whatever drunk stereotype you concocted in your head. But once I started drinking, I didn’t want to stop. 

To fund my addiction, I started stealing credit cards and counterfeiting money orders, selling them on the black market. After getting busted by the cops, I planned to end my life to avoid the consequences. I drank two bottles, but I couldn’t do it. 

Instead, I went to a drug program. I felt like I had no other options. I needed help. I was going to hurt myself or hurt someone else. When I got to the nurses’ station, I spoke up, saying, ‘I have a drug and alcohol problem.’ Vocalizing that was part of the healing.” —Douglas C., 58

8. Smoking decided my relationships. 

“Smoking was way harder to quit than alcohol. Smoking permeates every aspect of your life. Your relationships are based on who you are smoking with next to a dumpster, and you have nothing in common with them except you are addicted. What’s really crazy is you don’t know how to interact in social situations when you don’t have a cigarette in your hand. 

Everyone knows how dangerous smoking is, and yet we continue to smoke anyway. I wouldn’t drive without my seatbelt, but my chances of dying while smoking are much higher than having a car accident. After 47 years away from smoking, I don’t even think about it anymore. Unless there’s a smoker sitting in front of me.” —Allen S., 73

9. I craved the rollercoaster of emotions. 

“From age 14, I always had a boyfriend, and it was fabulous and fun. It wasn’t until I got older that I recognized that I’m addicted to that high you get from being in love and [going through] love’s ups and downs. Sometimes when you’re upset or fighting, you feel more alive, so I would go off the deep end over anything I felt was a slight to trigger that adrenaline. 

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, but eventually, I met a great psychiatrist who [helped me]. … I did the work in therapy and treatment, and it rewired my way of relating to others. Patterns can be broken, and mine was.” —Gwen S.*

10. I had no choice but to use. 

“When I first got sober in 2008, I looked for recovery books to help me, but I never found any that were written by a woman who looked like me. And any Black woman’s story that I found included drug dens and prostitution, which are really important stories to tell, but don’t reflect my experience. From the outside, my life looked enviable. I was the parent association president at my kid’s school, and I was throwing dinner parties. But inside, I was dying.

I think there is a misconception that people choose addiction over something. The misconception might have been that I chose addiction over my children, yet if I had had any say in the matter, I would have chosen my kids over and over and over again. The addiction tricked me into believing that, without drugs, I was going to die. I understood fully that the longer I continued to indulge, the worse the pain would be when I gave it up. And yet, I was so terrified of the pain that I kept going.” —Laura C. R., 58

11. Rock bottom looked different than I expected. 

“What I’ve learned through my personal experiences and through the experience of helping others is that rock bottom is when you decide to put the shovel down and stop digging. My bottom was an emotional rock bottom. My whole family had stopped talking to me. Friends had cut me off. I was alone and looking for a way out. I was thinking about ending my life when, at that exact moment, I received a phone call from my mom telling me she wished I was home for Christmas. It helped me recognize a reason I needed to get sober, because I wanted my family back in my life.” —Pravesh P., 27 

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 12 People Get Candid About Living With Addiction appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 03.23.23

Chloe Veitch Is Thriving, Thank You Very Much

The Netflix star is embracing her most authentic self. ByMarilyn La Jeunesse

On reality television, nothing is quite as it seems. Conversations might be edited out of context or cut entirely, and your whole persona is being ruthlessly scrutinized by strangers on the internet. But for model and Netflix star Chloe Veitch, that’s just another day in the office.

With appearances on shows like Too Hot to Handle, The Circle, and Perfect Match, Chloe is a veteran when it comes to the ins and outs of Netflix stardom. While learning to deal with her overnight success, Veitch took it upon herself to do the work and delve deeper into her own psyche to find her most authentic self.

Below, Veitch opens up about her sobriety (which can be difficult on shows that offer near unlimited alcohol to participants), what she looks for in a partner now that she’s in therapy, and how finally getting an ADHD diagnosis changed her life for the better.

WM: How are you doing lately?

Chloe Veitch: I’m feeling very wholesome at the moment. I’m with my family. I haven’t seen them in two and a half months because I was with my partner in LA. I was also obviously working, doing back-to-back interviews, and meeting Netflix. So it was very busy, but it’s really important for me to just be grounded with my family once in a while. So yeah, I feel very wholesome.

WM: In Perfect Match, we saw a little bit of a different side of you in a really lovely way. You’re so good at apologizing even when you don’t need to. You are just so authentic and so wholesome about it. What do you think the key to a good apology is?

CV: That’s a really good question. It’s probably the best question I’ve ever been asked. I’m glad that people have noticed that sometimes I apologize when I don’t need to. Being in recovery and sober has taught me that, because I never used to be like that. I think it comes with age as well, because if someone has done something to me to upset me, but then I’ve also reacted in a certain way that’s probably upset them, it’s really important for me to keep my side of the street clean.

It’s hard to explain. I can get caught up in thinking I don’t need to apologize because they’ve done me dirty. But actually, when you take a step back, you had a part to play in it. So, it’s kind of accepting that accountability in that scenario and just saying, “Do you know what? I’m really sorry.” Because it takes away my peace otherwise. That is the most important thing to me, my peace. I need to push my pride aside. I need to push my ego aside. I need to just say, “Listen, if I upset you, I’m really sorry, from the bottom of my heart.”

The key to a perfect apology for me is accepting accountability and meaning it, and then showing an example of what you’re sorry for and showing them that you are trying to put yourself in their shoes to say, “Hey, listen, I’m not ignoring your feelings. I’m not pushing your feelings aside. Nor am I justifying how and why I upset you, for whatever reason. I’m deeply sorry.”

WM: What is it like being sober while filming a show that seems to center around alcohol as a bonding mechanism?

CV: I’m not going to lie. Sometimes it is really hard to be around how much alcohol there is when you film a show. Perfect Match, there wasn’t a limit as such. So, at certain points in the day, I had to take myself for a little breather. Or if I was experiencing a confrontation with someone that was really drunk but I was sober and I couldn’t make sense out of them, I would just walk off and go talk to a member of the production.

I won’t say their name, but there was this guy who [worked in production]. I remember mentioning that I was sober. He actually was 15 years sober and he’d experienced all of this. That really helped, just asking for help or five minutes time out, just to recenter myself.

But honestly, being sober on all of these shows is such a godsend for me because I have more control over my emotions. I’m not sloppy. I’m not going to make as big a mistake as what I would do if I was drinking anyway.

Knowing the impact and the ripple effect that I will create by being sober on such a widespread Netflix show, to other people that are either trying to get sober or are sober that are struggling or people that have got a problem with addiction, it just goes to show that it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, what color you are, what sexuality you have. Addiction doesn’t discriminate. … Me and my dad created a charity called Stand Recovery Centre a couple of years ago. We’re currently fundraising to get money for a housing association to home people that are suffering from alcoholism and addiction and build their self-esteem up and help them combat their addiction, to reconnect them with their families, and take them off the street. It’s all in God’s name.

WM: Are you open to sharing a little bit more about your sobriety journey?

CV: I started my sobriety journey one year, eight months and 29 days ago. I think so, anyway. The 18th of June is my sobriety date. It had come to a point where I just needed to really evaluate my life. I wasn’t going out and committing crime or anything like that. It was different for me. For me, I had everything that I ever wanted. I had the money, the car, the family, the friends, the job. I was on Netflix. It was amazing. But why was I still depressed? Why was I still upset? Why was I still unhappy? Why was I questioning whether I wanted to be here or not?

It was a moment where I felt so low that I had to reach out to someone—my dad—and say to my dad, “I really need help.” He said, “We need to go to a meeting.” I went to one and I haven’t stopped. Every week, three times a week, I’ll continuously go in. 

I think anyone could do the 12 steps, honestly, because it is just amazing. I will shout it from the fuckin’ mountains if I have to, just to get people to do it, because I love it. I owe my life to it because I know that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that. I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be myself. I’ve been on many shows since being in recovery and it’s been tough, but I mean, I’m strong. So just got to push through it.

WM: How has being sober changed the way you approach dating?

CV: Oh listen, my type back in the day was someone who used to normalize my drinking; I would have to be with someone that drank as much as me, otherwise it just wouldn’t work, because then I would have to actually look at myself. Whereas now, oh, that just makes me feel sick. If I get with someone that drinks a lot or takes substances, I’m like, “I’m sorry, I can’t do it.” So that’s number one.

Number two is I’m more aware of the fundamentals in a relationship now. I need respect. I need someone that’s going to be vulnerable with me. I need someone that’s going to open up to me when they’re upset and not close themselves off or someone that at least is willing to. So then I can do the rest of the work.

Someone that is a family man. When I was in the height of my addiction, I wasn’t really seeing my family that much. I was just in my own little world. So, me reconnecting with my family now and being in the best place possible with them, it’s really important for me to find a man that has that and someone that has a career, that’s happy.

I don’t care if you work in a zoo. I don’t care if you work painting or at Chick-fil-A. I really don’t care. But someone that has a good work ethic, that wants to get up and go to work. So yeah, being sober has helped me see that.

I’m very much aware of emotions in a relationship. So, instead of drinking to forget my pain and suppressing my own emotions, I’m more aware of my own emotions now. When I’m in a relationship, I can understand why I’m upset. Has that person provoked me to feel in that way? Because if they’ve provoked me to feel in that way, if we can’t resolve it, then I’m gone. My sobriety helps me see the toxicity in them.

WM: What would you say to someone who’s thinking about getting sober but might be scared to take the first step?

CV: I’m just taking myself back to when I was really scared. What have you got to lose? It can be a life-and-death situation. It’s a progressive illness. It gets worse and worse. And in this moment, if you’re feeling like you have got a problem and you need help, there are millions of people in the same boat as you are. You are not alone.

WM: You’re also very open about your ADHD diagnosis. When were you first diagnosed, and how has the diagnosis impacted your life?

CV: My mother tried to get me diagnosed when I was 11, but back in the day it was very hard to get women diagnosed with ADHD because I think it was just sexist. Women can’t have ADHD. It’s a men thing. But my brother was diagnosed around the same time, so my mom kind of knew I had ADHD from my brother’s diagnosis. She put me in different after-school clubs. She would keep thick diaries on my behavior, what I used to eat, how I would act, and how I handled my emotions because she knew that she’d need that one day.

After all of that, I hit adulthood. This was a couple of years ago, when I’ve moved out, I have my money now from Netflix. I’m living in a flat apartment on my own. I’m getting default payments. I’m missing bills. I’m losing all my charges. I’m losing my car keys. I’m overwhelmed with work. It’s getting to a point where I’m sleeping in all day, every day because I cannot cope with the stress of my life. Then it was just spiraling out of control.

I remember, one day I broke down in tears because I was that stressed about doing my own washing. I didn’t know how to separate the colors, what temperature to put it on because I forgot. I’m like, how can I forget this? I used to ring my mom all the time. She used to come over and help me. It would get to a point where some days I’d want to clean my house and I’d be on it. And then other times it would be really hard for me to even get up and brush my teeth. So then my physical and personal hygiene levels started dropping. 

I remember just saying to my mom, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just live a normal life, do normal things without getting overwhelmed?” I would miss meetings. I would be late to things all the time. I didn’t have that function in my brain where I could focus on a conversation and actually take in what they were saying. So, people say, “Oh, she’s really ditzy. She’s really dumb. What’s going on with Chloe?” I am. That is a part of me, but that’s also my ADHD. I have a short attention span. I can’t concentrate on something for too long, otherwise I just get really overwhelmed. 

Last year I actually got diagnosed. I went to a specialist. I gave him all of the documents from when I was a kid, that my mom wrote, thank God. He said that I have ADHD combined type. Being diagnosed has helped me stop getting angry with myself because it used to get to a point where I used to get really upset. I used to be like, Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I just go out the house and remember to put diesel in my car? But instead I’m at the side of the road and I’ve run out of diesel, I’ve run out of petrol. Why? So instead of beating myself up about it, it was accepting and acknowledging that, OK, this is ADHD and this is normal. Loads of people have it. 

WM: What are some ways that have helped you cope with your ADHD?

CV: It’s surprising because since knowing I’ve got ADHD and having the diagnosis, I can’t remember the last time I got stressed at myself. I think just knowing that I have it is a coping strategy. Just knowing, OK, no, this is normal, it’s fine, Chloe. I talk kindly to myself now. 

But also having a conversation with my friends and sitting them down and educating them. Like my friend, for example, Nicole. When I went to America, I spoke to her, but I didn’t speak to her enough because it’s kind of out of sight, out of mind, lack of empathy sort of thing, which is tied to ADHD. She didn’t understand. So I had to have a conversation with her and say to her, “Nic, it’s also a part of my ADHD.” Some people can’t see that. They just assume because I look fine that I’m OK, but actually I don’t mean to upset you or annoy you.

Long story short, having certain conversations with my family members and friends [has helped], and letting them know that these are symptoms—don’t hate me.

WM: Can you tell us a bit about your therapy journey and why it’s so important to you to destigmatize going?

CV: I love therapy. I remember the first time I went to therapy, I was in primary school. My nan passed away, so I started speaking to some woman. She used to just ask me how I am and then get me to paint little pictures. That was amazing because it took my mind off it.

Then, getting older, I think we underestimate how hard it is to just wake up every day and do normal things: pay bills, do the washing, but then also understand our emotions, be aware of our emotions, and then maintain relationships, keep other people happy, check on our friends and family. Sometimes it’s nice to just have a conversation with someone and to just offload a little bit because, for me personally, I felt like I was going insane a good few points in my life. I’d recommend therapy to anyone.

I went to therapy [again] when me and my partner split. It felt like bereavement therapy. It was really intense. It was six months of intense therapy twice a week. For me it was educational because not only is she helping me understand and visualize my own emotions, she’s helping me and educating me on how to deal with certain things that may arise again. So, instead of just walking through life and winging it and just accepting the fact that I’m a little depressed sometimes, it’s knowing how to deal with it.

If I was to have a conversation with someone that’s really upset or if I was to have children one day, I can then sit them down and say, “Babe, you’re fine. This is probably why you’re feeling like this. This is how we’re going to overcome it.” So yeah, it’s a ripple effect. I think it can help. If you have it, it can help generations.

WM: What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self?

CV: Don’t try and control things that you have no control over, because that is one bane of my life that I have learnt the hard way to overcome. Yeah, that would be my one bit of advice. Once you realize that the world owes you nothing, then you’ll start to understand. My dad said that to me the other day and I was like, I like that.

The post Chloe Veitch Is Thriving, Thank You Very Much appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 02.08.23

Why You Feel Like a Ball of Anxiety the Day After Drinking

The annoyingly common experience is coming for your life choices (every single one). ByAshley Oerman

You came, you drank, you woke up sweaty at 5 a.m. with racing thoughts including (but not limited to) that overshare with your boss last week, the online order you need to return, and how much money you spent last night. Welcome to hangxiety (hangover + anxiety) hell, friends. This perfectly named phenomenon is not a clinical term, but it refers to the super common experience of feeling anxious several hours after your last adult beverage. 

Sure, this can be correlated with what scientists and college kids call “blacking out,” since not remembering what you did last night and waking up to “Hey! Are you OK?” texts from your friends are solid reasons to feel hangxious. Still, you’re not imagining things if hangxiety seems to hit you after two glasses of wine at dinner or alone on your couch. (Not NOT sub-tweeting myself here.) 

As an active member of Club Hangxiety, I just want to take a sec to say that there are so many people out there feeling the same thing you are right now. In fact, I was just at a wedding where I had an amazing time, danced my ass off, and woke up with the sense that my people were probably judging me the whole time. QQ: Anxiety, can I live?!

So, yes, even though the comedown from a fun time can be super isolating and sometimes scary, it’s also normal. As evidence, experts explain why hangxiety happens, what you can do to prevent it, and how to deal when it pops up. Cheers!

What causes hangxiety?

There are a few reasons why this can happen to you. The first is a booze-induced chemical imbalance of sorts. As you sip, the alcohol in your dirty martini starts messing with some neurotransmitter activity in your brain. More specifically, it binds to gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA), the neurotransmitter responsible for telling your nervous system to chill out, making your brain less sensitive to its calming effects. At the same time, alcohol also blocks glutamate, an excitatory neurotransmitter that essentially keeps brain activity up and energized, says addiction psychiatrist Collin Reiff, MD. So, to keep up, your brain makes even more glutamate. 

As you head off to bed post-happy hour, your system keeps producing way more glutamate (the energizing, stress-inducing neurotransmitter) than you need, explains Dr. Reiff. Meanwhile, GABA is basically out of office, so it’s not keeping glutamate in check the way it normally does when you’re sober. The result: Your brain’s excitatory system is in overdrive, making your heart race, your body temp rise, and your mind a blur of stressy thoughts and cringey memories from 7th grade homeroom. So fun for us. 

But wait! There’s more. GABA also happens to be a very important player in helping you fall asleep, explains psychiatrist Juan Romero-Gaddi, MD, founder of Equal Mental Health. Because it’s less effective at lulling you to sleepy town after you’ve been drinking, the quality of your Zs could be impacted, which can make you feel more on edge when you wake up.

If you drink a lot or have alcohol use disorder, the impact of all this brain chemistry can be way more intense, says Dr. Romero-Gaddi. Still, some people are just extra sensitive to the shift in these neurotransmitters, he adds. So whether you had one big night out or some casual cocktails, you could feel more anxious than usual.

Another unfortunate biological factor: The chemical mechanism that can make drinking feel so awesome might also make us feel shitty hours after we stop. Drinking, or just the thought of raising a glass, promotes the release of feel-good dopamine in the brain, says Dr. Romero-Gaddi. But there’s also a point where—no matter how many drinks you have—you can’t maintain the dopamine high causing the euphoric effect. 

Though the science is a little murky, in theory, sensing the difference between those first-sip dopamine levels and your baseline when you wake up might also make you feel anxious, he adds. If you’ve ever experienced the embarrassment of a 9 a.m. flashback to your hand gesture-y storytelling, despite being totally normal in the context of that dinner party you were at last night, you know this hypothesis checks out.

Hangxiety can happen to anyone, but a small study from 2019 suggests that people who are more shy might be more likely to feel anxious the day after drinking. For that study, researchers measured participants’ levels of shyness and social phobia before asking half of them to drink with friends at home (the other half hung out with friends while sober). The next day, researchers measured the participants’ anxiety levels and found that highly shy drinkers were more anxious that morning—even though they drank about the same amount as the less shy participants. Wild, right?

How can I make hangxiety go away?

This is a bummer, but the most important ingredient in a hangxiety cure is time. Your brain basically just needs a minute (or, you know, hours) to find that perfect equilibrium between GABA and glutamate again. 

That said, remembering that the life-questioning anxiety you feel the morning after a fun time likely stems from a chemical issue—and that it will pass—might actually help you feel better, says Dr. Reiff. 

This would also be a good time to lean into those anxiety coping skills you use when things feel out of control, says Dr. Gaddi-Romero. Maybe that’s taking your anxiety meds, going for a silly little mental health walk, or calling a friend for some co-regulation action. It might be harder to do the things you know work for you when you feel like shit, but they can help. 

If your anxiety comes with a side of physical symptoms like tremors and heart palpitations, that’s because you’re basically going through a mini-withdrawal. But if these symptoms (including the anxiety) last for more than 12 hours, head to the ER to get checked out, says Dr. Reiff. 

Otherwise, hydration, sleep, and food will help you recover and allow your brain to find its balance. Also—you knew this was coming—the next time you go out, try alternating beveraginos with water and sticking to two drinks or less total. 

If you think you might have an issue with alcohol, check out these worksheets from the National Institutes of Health to get to the bottom of that, or head to SAMHSA’s National Helpline if you’d like to talk to someone about it. 

The post Why You Feel Like a Ball of Anxiety the Day After Drinking appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.22.22

How to Deal if You’re Not Drinking This Holiday Season

Step one: Find your people. ByJay Deitcher

The holiday season can be brutal—especially if you’re taking a break from booze or quitting for good. That’s because holiday parties and other festivities are often dripping in alcohol. Back in the day when I used, I would find myself on week-long binges between Christmas and New Year’s, simply because I had too much time on my hands. 

Not drinking during the holiday season can often feel like you’re the only sober lifeform in the universe. And, if you’ve built your world around alcohol, odds are your relationships and memories are tethered to the bottle. You may not even remember past Decembers without memories swirling in snow and liquor. 

Cravings can cut into you out of nowhere but, as someone who has been there, I want to emphasize that it’s possible to get through this. “If you’ve made it through one, you can do it again,” says Natalie  Feinblatt, PsyD, a psychologist and the author of The First 90 Days of Sobriety: Recovering from Alcoholism: A Guided Journal. 

Luckily, you aren’t alone in this journey. Here are some of the tools that aided me during my first few holidays in sobriety.

1. Be open about your decision not to drink.

“It’s a lot easier to stay accountable and feel supported if other people know that’s what you’re trying to do,” says Dr. Feinblatt. She recommends finding a friend you trust and telling them: “I’m really trying to stay sober for the time being, and it would help me to know that you are aware of that, supportive of that, and can maybe help me navigate somebody offering me a drink.”

If the person you tell gives a reaction that isn’t understanding, “that’s probably not a person that you want to rely on,” says Dr. Feinblatt. 

When you do find someone who supports you, lean on them. Bring them as your plus one to any holiday events you attend so you have someone on your side.  

2. Remember that you don’t have to hit up every party.

“Some people are really convinced that there are certain events that they have to go to,” says Dr. Feinblatt. “I’m one of those people that thinks you actually don’t have to go to everything.”

Triggering a craving is just not fun, so don’t force yourself into situations that set you up to think about booze. Your sobriety is more important than any party. A supportive family will understand why you can’t attend Christmas dinner. (Maybe you can visit them on a day when alcohol isn’t being served.) 

Instead, treat yourself to a movie, eat some ice cream, bake a cake, read a comic, watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, visit a sober friend, take a nap, sculpt a pot, whatever works for you. 

3. Use “no” as a complete sentence.

Turning down a drink with confidence is badass. Most folks will accept your decision without any pushback, says Dr. Feinblatt. “If you do run up into somebody who starts to give you a little bit of grief, that’s really more about them than it is about you,” she says. 

If it feels easier, you can always lie about why you aren’t drinking. Tell people your medications can’t be mixed with alcohol or that you have an early morning to prepare for. 

4. Figure out what to do with your hands.

Instead of standing around twiddling your fingers at parties; grab your favorite alcohol-free beverage. Sip a seltzer, ginger ale, Shirley Temple, or mocktail. You might as well enjoy yourself, and it can help alleviate people offering you drinks. “Most people aren’t going to say ‘What are you drinking?’” says Dr. Feinblatt. 

5. Dip out whenever you want. 

“Leaving is a coping skill,” says Dr. Feinblatt. If you feel uncomfortable at an event, just tell the host something important came up and make your exit. If you have to leave immediately, just hit the door. I’m sure the party will do okay without you.  

6. Double up on meetings. 

If you are someone who attends a support group, whether it be Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, Recovery Dharma, or any of the others, it might be a good idea to double up on meetings in the near future. 

During the holiday season, the amount of meetings skyrockets, and there are 24-hour “Alcathons” in most cities, or sober events that run from Thanksgiving into Christmas, through New Year’s Day. Going to meetings regularly can help teach you coping skills and reinforce that “you are not the only person who is not drinking this holiday season,” says Dr. Feinblatt. 

7. Volunteer. 

The holiday season can be lonely, so if you’re feeling down, search for volunteer work, whether it be at an Alcathon, food kitchen, or nursing home. “It’s not going to involve drinking,” says Dr. Feinblatt. “It’ll put you around people, and it’ll [involve] being of service. And that will typically, at the very least, make you feel a bit better about yourself.”

8. Appreciate those overprotective family and friends.

During your early days of sobriety, friends and family may be overprotective of your sobriety, especially if they’ve seen you at your lowest. They might witness someone offering you a beer and bellow from across the room, “She doesn’t drink!”

Instead of getting defensive and confronting them in the moment, Dr. Feinblatt recommends pulling them aside and saying, “You know, mom, dad, I really appreciate your support. But it’s important for me to build the muscle of turning [alcohol] down myself. Because you won’t always be there.”

Today, I’ve exercised this muscle so much that the holidays don’t phase me. My coping skills are just routines at this point. After I got sober 16 years ago, six days before I turned 25, I no longer had the bottle to fall back on, so I was forced to learn how to survive. Today, I do pretty decently at this whole life thing. I have a job I love, hobbies I enjoy, and a family who trusts me. I’ve built a social circle with a wife and kids and friends who support me and love me. I have a lot to celebrate this holiday season—I just do it without alcohol. 

The post How to Deal if You’re Not Drinking This Holiday Season appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 10.18.22

What I Wish Someone Told Me About Getting Sober at 25

I could have saved myself many years of struggling through sober life. ByJay Deitcher

[Heads up: This article deals with substance misuse, in case you want to skip it.] 

I started drinking and misusing pharmaceuticals and alcohol because I was terrified of interacting with others. As a teen, I knew something was wrong, but instead of seeking help for my anxiety, I thought it was just an aspect of my personality that I had to suffer through, and booze and pills seemed to make life tolerable. When I started drinking heavily during my junior year of high school, alcohol gave me the confidence to interact with my peers. I stumbled through parties cracking jokes about myself and falling on my face. My drunken antics made people laugh, and I finally felt accepted. 

But the booze turned on me. Within a few years, I became a recluse, drinking alone in my childhood bedroom. I told myself that I’d never drink and drive, yet numerous times, I found myself behind the wheel. Then there was the time I came to in the middle of the road with blood caked on my face. Turns out, I’d fallen while walking from my car to a party. 

Days disappeared into drunken hazes or they slothed past me, and nothing brought me joy. Actually, some research in lab animals suggests that substance misuse can throw the brain’s reward system out of whack, making normally pleasurable activities like eating great food unappealing. At the time, I felt incredibly alone in my substance misuse. But, as a 2020 survey suggests, about 8.2 million people in the U.S. aged 18 to 25 reported having a substance use disorder within the past year—it’s wildly common. That said, the same survey suggests that only about 445,000 of people 18 to 25 received treatment for a substance use disorder. 

Being the youngest person in the locked ward 

So maybe that’s why my age made me feel even more isolated during my first visit to a local drug and alcohol detox facility, where people can go through the substance withdrawal process under medical supervision, which can last more than a week. “Man, you’re a baby,” I remember some guy telling me. “I wish I got my life together at that age,” another patient said. “At 22, I was just getting started.”

I was furious. It seemed like I was the youngest person in the locked ward, where thick metal doors kept patients inside, yet I was vibrating just like everyone else. I was popping the same pharmaceuticals to smooth out the delirium tremens (DTs), otherwise known as a severe and potentially fatal form of alcohol withdrawal. I was sweating out the same booze. Paranoid. Hallucinating. Cut off from friends and family. 

By this point, I knew my body was violently dependent on the drugs, but it still seemed unfair that I was crawling into detox in my early 20s when it felt like everyone else got to pop pills and down booze deep into their 30s, 40s, or even 70s.

Trial and error   

When I left detox a week later, I could’ve gone to a rehab facility that would’ve plucked me out of my old life and offered months of learning sober living skills, but I was convinced I could do it on my own. I was terrified of digging into months of therapy to learn exactly how messed up I was. 

And, as I’m told by experts, that’s a pretty common mindset. “People who tend to rely on substances typically are trying to avoid something else,” says psychiatrist Gayani DeSilva, MD, author of A Psychiatrist’s Guide: Stop Teen Addiction Before It Starts. “They may have had trauma in their life, they may have anxiety, they may have mood issues. They tend to have a hard time tolerating feelings of being uncomfortable, feeling pain, or feeling sad. They start to use substances to compensate or to help them adjust or help them deal with those states. Then their limbic system, the emotional regulation system, starts to rely on the substances to manage their feelings of comfortability.” 

So, instead of figuring out how to deal with my emotions, I re-entered the world lacking any coping skills that could help me stay away from unhealthy people, places, and things, and push past an urge to use. I still hadn’t learned about managing my anxiety. 

Cravings soon kicked in, and I was overwhelmed with the emotions I’d been suffocating for years. I spent days and nights regretting mistakes I’d made, pining to get an ex back. I brooded over ways I felt my family had harmed me, mistakes my parents made, and cousins who turned their backs on me during my addiction.

Within a month, I was back in my bedroom downing cans of malt liquor. Three months later, I was in the same detox ward. Doctors recommended that, after the detox, I check into an inpatient rehab for 28 days. Instead, I agreed to attend a less intense outpatient rehab that was supposed to teach me to cope with my addiction several mornings each week for months. I was kicked out within three months after taking a couple days off from sobriety.

The last time I used, I ended up going on a two-year tear, using booze and drugs every night as if it were my last. In truth, I stopped trying to get sober, telling myself I’d just relapse. This mindset seeped into everything in my life. My early 20s were spent dropping in and out of college. I never attempted an internship, never joined clubs, never saw a future I cared to work toward. I was just an addict, I thought, so why try? 

That’s a common mentality among people who misuse substances because we tend to identify with the disease and lose sight of who we are, says clinical psychologist Allen Berger, PhD. Plus, “to seek something like a career, which takes a lot of work, takes a lot of being able to tolerate disappointment and pain and frustration and delayed gratification, that’s really hard to do when your brain is used to immediate gratification or immediate dopamine rushes,” says Dr. DeSilva. “So when you’re stuck in the addiction, you can’t really see beyond [the next drink or drug].”

The next chapter 

Somehow, the December before I turned 25, I graduated with an English degree, carrying a sub-2.0 GPA. The moment I left my last class, I found myself staring at the edge of the precipice, realizing I was suddenly expected to get a “real” job, pay my own insurance, get my own apartment, and become a functional member of society. 

I had no clue how to live life sober, but I knew I could never accomplish these things while using. I was tired. Tired of boozing-up in the back room of my part-time mall job in order to barely function, and tired of living with my parents but hardly speaking with them.

So, after one final weeklong binge six days before I hit 25, I poured it all down the drain and shook out the DTs in my parents’ basement without any medical assistance (because my insurance had run dry). Even though I couldn’t afford rehab, I was desperate to learn the skills to live a productive life, to have friends, to heal my family, to stop hiding in the dark of my room, fearing life. 

I looked up self-help meetings and went searching in the 12-step rooms for a former coworker of mine. I knew he had turned his life around after falling into drugs, so I wanted his help to do the same for me. I didn’t find him there, but his friends welcomed me and offered guidance. 

“Nobody does anything without help,” says Dr. DeSilva. “People need support and they need other people around them to boost them up and say, ‘Hey, you’re drowning, take my hand, take resources that are available to you.’”

In the 12-step groups, I relearned social skills, showing up to meetings early, pushing myself to interact with others. I slowly worked through my anxiety of interacting with humans, though I was still years off from being willing to try medication for it. I got a new gig: brewing pots of coffee before meetings so everyone could enjoy. I learned how to manage responsibility and show up on time, which gave me the confidence to jump into the job market. 

Finding my future 

I had spent so many years lost in a sea of booze that it took almost a decade of sobriety before I was able to recognize that getting sober didn’t solve all my problems: I needed help with my anxiety and needed to open myself up to medication. 

I also had no idea what my interests were beyond using drugs and drinking, so I tried out different career fields, spending years doing things I didn’t enjoy. I never even realized I had options, never thought I could have a life I loved, so this was all brand new to me.

First, I fell into working in the social services industry, something that felt like I was making amends for the years I had done nothing of value for society. Eventually, I yearned for a calmer life, so I went back to school again, propelled by a new passion to learn. After years of building up my confidence, I enrolled in a writing program, finally feeling like I could build a path toward a future I enjoyed. 

For nearly five years after getting sober, I didn’t have the time—or social skills—to enter a relationship, but I met a girl, and we started a family. Today, I find joy as a former social worker who writes about mental health and spends his days as a stay-at-home dad.

Maybe I could have continued using until I was 70, but I don’t spend much time contemplating what-ifs. Today, I live a productive, sober life, grateful that I don’t find myself locked in detoxes and telling younger people that I wish I stayed sober at their age. 

Still, I could have saved myself many years of struggling through sober life if I realized that I had choices. I wish I knew how much potential I had, wish I knew that I deserved to make life moves that made me happy. Even sober, I spent a long time still viewing myself as an ex-addict who was destined to fail at life, but in reality, I’m a human who can achieve most anything if I open myself up to learn.

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