Pro Tips Link Copied 10.04.24

How to Survive Cheating in a Relationship

Cheaters and the cheated-on-ers are both welcome here. BySam Brodsky

Cheating is not great. Whether you’re the one doing it or the one who finds out, it’s a painful situation that can leave everyone feeling wrecked. It can be hard to come back from that. But surviving infidelity and its aftermath is possible—even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. 

Regardless of what led to the cheating (the reasons why people cheat are vast: relationship issues, attachment wounds, low self-worth, etc.), the shame that hits both parties can be difficult to shake, says clinical psychologist Em Dreiling, PhD. Plus, with your relationship in question after a betrayal like this, your entire reality can feel up in the air. When that’s the case, the best thing you can do is take a beat to take care of yourself, says couples therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW.

Sure, that’s easier said than done, but with therapist-backed tips and a little time, both parties can grow from these crappy circumstances. You may even become a better version of yourself or upgrade your relationship in the process. Here’s what mental health pros want you to know about surviving infidelity, whether you cheated or your partner did.

How to survive infidelity if you cheated

If you’re the one who stepped out on your partner, you might feel like a total garbage human—a worm with a mustache, if you will. That internal shame can be compounded by the stigma of being The One Who Cheated. “Shame is toxic because it doesn’t allow for growth or understanding or compassion,” Dr. Dreiling explains. “Shame simply says you are bad and that’s the end of the story.” But that doesn’t have to be it for you. Here’s how to overcome that shame and move forward in a productive, healthy way. 

1. Feel all the feelings—even the hard ones.

It makes sense if you feel ashamed for what you did. It’s not cool to betray someone’s trust. And while beating yourself up isn’t helpful, acknowledging those uncomfy emotions (shame, embarrassment, regret, grief) can help you feel better faster, says marriage and family therapist Mercedes J Moore, PhD, LMFT-S. 

That’s because the more you try to avoid your feelings, the harder they can come at you. No one wants to be hit with those emotions while out with friends, in the cereal aisle, or at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. So the more time you can devote to processing feels, the faster you’ll be able to accept your actions and their impact and move forward. 

If you’re not sure where to start, try some writing prompts that help you ID what you’re feeling. As the old saying goes, if you can name it, you can tame it. You can also think or write about the situation that caused those emotions. Talking it out with a friend you trust or a mental health pro will help too, says Dr. Dreiling. 

Despite your best intentions, it can be easy to get caught up in a shame spiral. When that happens, try on some self-compassion. That can look like reframing thoughts like, I’m a horrible person, into something you might say to a friend like, I made a mistake by cheating, and I’m holding myself accountable for it, says Dr. Moore. 

Feeling bad about what you did is warranted, but you shouldn’t feel bad about who you are. When you can separate those two things, you’re in a better place to make amends with those you hurt and with yourself, says Brunner. 

2. Reflect on why the cheating happened.

Investigating what factors played a part in your infidelity enables you to learn about yourself and the relationship. That knowledge may make it easier to take accountability and forgive yourself, Dr. Dreiling explains. “We get to learn from our mistakes, move on from them, … [and] integrate the experience into our story, [without] making it who we are.”

So, ask yourself: What was I feeling before I cheated? How did I feel while cheating? Did I get something out of cheating that I felt like I was missing? What was my relationship like before I cheated? What was it like while I cheated?

Most of the time, cheating goes deeper than a drunken hookup. Sometimes it’s a sign of disconnection or issues in a relationship. Perhaps you felt like your partner didn’t appreciate you or they weren’t emotionally available, says Dr. Moore. If that’s the case, it’s easier to see why you leaned on someone other than your partner—and how that evolved into physical and/or emotional cheating, says Dr. Dreiling. 

While recognizing the full picture doesn’t absolve your actions, it can help you understand what influenced your choices. 

3. Move forward with intention.

Once you’ve sat with your feelings and investigated the origin story of your infidelity, you’re ready to find a way forward. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, using your mistakes as an opportunity to change course proves to yourself and others that you’re holding yourself accountable and you’re worthy of trust. Taking action might even help you feel better about yourself too. 

Maybe that means setting boundaries with coworkers or mutual friends or people you DM. It could also look like having an open conversation with your partner about what’s missing from your relationship, says Dr. Dreiling.

For example, if cheating partly stemmed from your partner’s emotional unavailability, that means a close connection is important to you. That intel can help the two of you move forward. If that’s not an option, you can use that info to ensure your next relationship prioritizes openness and vulnerability, Dr. Dreiling notes. 

How to survive infidelity if your partner cheated

When the trust you’ve built with someone gets destroyed, it can leave you feeling many a type of way. It can also make you confused about how to proceed. Can you forgive them? Do they even deserve to be forgiven? Did you have this coming all along? While sorting through these thoughts and emotions can be a long process, these steps can help you do just that. 

1. Get to the bottom of your feelings.

It’s not wrong if your first instinct is to be really, really pissed off when you learn about your partner cheating. But to survive infidelity, you’ve gotta dig deeper to see what else is going on inside, says Brunner. “Go towards that pain,” she explains. “That is how you heal. That is how you move past it.” 

While it might feel more comfortable to sit with how angry you are, that emotion is likely just a distraction from the more painful ones, says Brunner. To get to the bottom of it, think back to your initial reaction to learning about the affair. Did you feel betrayal? Grief for the relationship you used to feel safe in? Fear that you’re not good enough to be with them? Maybe it’s all of those things.

Whatever the case, allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable emotions, suggests Brunner. You can look at old photos, listen to a sad song over and over, write a letter to your partner or ex (even if you don’t send it), or vent to a friend. The goal is to express and feel all of that in order to regulate your emotions. 

2. Focus on the facts.

It’s hard to stop overthinking after being cheated on. You might be embarrassed, anxious about who you can trust, or ashamed that you’re in this situation in the first place. With those worries running through your head, it can be difficult to get through the day-to-day. But you can strip those thoughts of their emotional charge by sticking with the facts, Brunner suggests.

That can look like swapping, I’m worthless and no one wants to be with me, to something like, They cheated on me on X day, says Brunner. It still sucks, but it doesn’t sting as much without the judgment.

Also, Dr. Moore suggests challenging the thoughts that feed into your shame, anxiety, or embarrassment. Maybe the idea that everyone thinks you’re an idiot plays over and over in your head, which makes you avoid your friends and fam. That’s not great! Dr. Moore suggests asking yourself if anyone has actually called you an idiot for being cheated on. Do people treat you like you’re dumb? If you can’t find any evidence, there probably isn’t any, she says. 

3. Consider taking some accountability.

Sure, some people are just assholes who laugh in the face of relationship boundaries. That said, infidelity doesn’t always happen out of the blue. Maybe your partner felt unseen or lonely. Perhaps spending a lot of time apart led you to grow in opposite directions. Maybe the relationship was in a bad place, though neither of you wanted to break up. “Infidelity is often a symptom of underlying problems in a relationship,” says Dr. Dreiling.

So it’s worth looking into whether your actions (or lack thereof) played a part in this situation. Taking accountability can help you grow in your current or next relationship, says Dr. Dreiling. Even if that just means recognizing when a relationship has run its course. 

After some reflection, you might realize you aren’t always present at the end of the day or you’re not very affectionate, notes Dr. Dreiling. You can ask your partner if that was part of the problem or just consider whether it’s something you’d like to change in your next relationship.

4. Give yourself time to figure out next steps.

If cheating is a deal-breaker for you, feel free to see yourself out. If you’re on the fence or your situation is complicated (see: kids, mortgages), it’s OK to take a beat before making up your mind, says Dr. Dreiling.   

To sort things out, start by asking: How much effort are you both willing to put into fixing this? Is your partner remorseful? Could you rebuild trust with them? Can you move past the cheating? 

As you work toward answering these Qs over time (it can take a while), notice how you’re feeling, Dr. Dreiling suggests. If you get the sense that you’re making progress, your anxiety is waning, and your relationship is changing for the better, that’s promising! If you feel uneasy or suspicious, it could be time to go, she adds. 

Coming to this decision isn’t easy or quick—and that’s OK. “For the person who was [cheated on], this type of reflection allows for understanding of yourself and what you want, which is essential for healing,” says Dr. Dreiling. You can’t really rush that. 

The post How to Survive Cheating in a Relationship appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.25.24

What Actually Counts as Emotional Cheating?

Plus, what to do when it happens. BySam Brodsky

Emotional cheating can be a hard thing to spot in the wild. There are no hotel room receipts,  hookups in mall parking lots, or Ubers home from “a friend’s place” at 4 a.m. Unlike a physical affair, emotional cheating can look like a super close friendship or work partnership at first glance—even if there are serious feelings lurking below the surface. There’s nothing to see here…other than in-depth chats about the day-to-day and tons of inside jokes that may or may not be flirty. 

Whether you’re the one partaking in this banter-y gray area of infidelity or suspect someone else is, it makes sense if you’re confused. So, we spoke to mental health pros who see this situation all the time. Ahead, they explain what emotional cheating is and the signs this brand of infidelity might be happening in your relationship. Plus, they break down what to do next. Here we go!

What is emotional cheating?

Emotional cheating is when you have a really close, more-than-friends relationship (sans physical stuff) with someone outside of your established relationship, says couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD. 

While that’s the gist, pointing to specific examples of emotional cheating isn’t as straightforward as a physical affair (like we said). That’s because each person may have a different definition of what constitutes emotional cheating in their relationship. Maybe venting to a friend about a relationship issue is no big deal to your partner, but to you it’s out of bounds. Perhaps exchanging memes with a coworker you’d consider dating if you weren’t in a relationship isn’t weird for you, though it was for your ex. 

But, generally speaking, this type of cheating involves telling another person things that you’d usually tell your partner. For example, you might rely on someone who’s not your partner for support when you’re stressed or when you and your significant other have a fight, says Dr. Morley. Maybe you’re texting all the time about your day or rushing to them with huge life news before you fill in your partner—or you’re telling them instead of  your partner, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads.

That said, an emotional affair is different from the reassurance and good vibes you’d get from a platonic friend, Dr. Morley says. There’s usually some sort of attraction or chemistry with this other person. Oftentimes you can imagine being with them romantically, she says. 

Here are a few common ways an emotional affair can look, according to Turner and Dr. Morley:

• Frequently relying on another person for comfort instead of a partner
• Comparing a relationship with one person to a relationship with a partner
• Thinking about someone outside of a relationship often or imagining a life with them
• Keeping the relationship or the extent of it a secret by hiding texts or downplaying how often you see them
• Feeling guilty spending time with the other person

Just so we’re clear, emotionally cheating is not the same as having deep conversations with friends and coworkers or having a crush on someone. Actually, it’s unrealistic for your partner to meet all  of your emotional needs, so outsourcing some of them is completely normal, notes Dr. Morley. Perhaps your significant other just can’t have in-depth chats about your Fantasy Football lineup or the current political landscape. That’s not necessarily an emotional affair. 

Why do people emotionally cheat? 

People cheat emotionally for many of the same reasons they cheat physically, Dr. Morley says. A lot of the time it’s because they feel their needs aren’t being met. They’re feeling disconnected, alone, sad, or invalidated in their current partnership, so they go to someone else who helps them feel better, she explains. It’s exciting to be seen and heard by someone, especially if that’s lacking in the partnership, she adds.

And, when you’re not getting your needs met in a relationship, you could be more prone to arguments with your S.O. That tension might make being vulnerable with them more difficult, so you don’t try, says Dr. Morley. As you might’ve guessed, this can make outside support or emotional intimacy even more appealing, she adds.

This is not to say that the emotional cheater’s partner is to blame though. Even if there are cracks in a relationship, everyone has control over their own actions, Turner stresses. 

Signs of emotionally cheating.

First, if you feel like something weird might be going on, asking your partner is the best way to get more intel, Dr. Morley and Turner agree. That’s because there’s really no way to know for sure if someone has betrayed your trust without some serious snooping (which can be a massive breach of trust in itself). And even if you do find some receipts, you might not get the whole picture. Plus, having hard conversations where you express your feelings and stay open to the other person’s perspective is part of a healthy relationship. 

If you decide to go for it, start with your experience to avoid sounding accusatory. Dr. Morley suggests something like, “Lately, I feel like we’ve been having more fights, you’ve been less present, and you’ve been on your phone more than usual” (or whatever is relevant to your situation). Then, she says to go ahead with: “This might not be true, but I’m just wondering, are you feeling emotionally closer to someone else?” 

It’s possible they may not know they’re engaging in emotional infidelity. Even if they wouldn’t be comfortable with you finding messages or knowing the details of their conversations, they might categorize their relationship as a close friendship, Dr. Morley says. Obviously, if you have receipts, you can bring those to the convo too. (Though, again, we do not condone snooping.)

With that in mind, here are some signs that could  indicate emotional cheating, according to Dr. Morley and Turner:

• Your partner is withdrawing or seems uninterested in you and/or your relationship.
• They’re often irritated with you for no apparent reason.
• They act differently out of the blue. (For example, they don’t let you look at their phone or they’re going out more often.)  

How to recover from emotional cheating.

While emotional cheating can be a big betrayal of trust, surviving infidelity is possible. If everyone involved is open to uncomfortable conversations and being empathetic to the other’s pain without shutting down, they can work through their problems, says Turner. 

That process requires both parties taking accountability for ruptures in the relationship, talking about their feelings, and showing that they want to be together. All of that can help with trust issues, Turner explains. That might mean the person who cheated needs to be super transparent about who they’re texting, answer their partner’s questions, and give reassurance that they’re committed, says Dr. Morley. 

If it’s hard to talk without getting defensive, a couples counselor can play referee in a difficult discussion. They can also help each partner see how they’ve contributed to issues and support them in their decision to stay together or break up, says Dr. Morley. 

On top of all of this, you both can consider individual therapy to work through your own stuff separately and then discuss what you learned together with or without a couples therapist, says Dr. Morley. It’s up to you!

Of course, if one of you decides that you don’t want to work on the relationship, that’s OK too. You both have to choose what’s best for you, says Dr. Morley. 

Ultimately, healing from emotional cheating is a hard process, but it’s absolutely doable—even if you don’t stay together. If you’re the one who was cheated on, growth and healing can mean relearning to open up to other people romantically. “You might be more cautious or suspicious after your last experience, but you can’t fully rebuild the ability to trust a partner without eventually being in a relationship again,” Dr. Morley explains. 

If you’re someone who was unfaithful in this way, have some self-compassion, says Dr. Morley. “Cheating happens all the time, and it happens for a reason,” she says. “You do not have to hate yourself forever because of what you’ve done. You do  have to take responsibility for it and do something about it.”

The post What Actually Counts as Emotional Cheating? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.23.24

What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself

You probably aren’t a garbage human! BySam Brodsky

If you often find yourself thinking, Ugh, I hate myself, when shit goes wrong, then you get it. 

Self-hatred is a tough mental state to exist in. Oftentimes, it shows up as an intense inner dislike, feelings of shame, negative thoughts (I hate myself  or I’m not good enough), low self-worth, and isolation, says therapist Emily Myhre, LCSW. And for some people, that self-hate mindset can be hard to shake, Myhre explains.  

While lots of circumstances can lead to self-hatred (also called self-loathing), people who hate themselves generally believe that something is wrong with them, says therapist Allyson Sproul, LCSW, CAADC. 

Sometimes that belief stems from adversity we faced growing up (see: bullying, harsh parenting, racism, etc.), Sproul says. When we can’t explain why bad things or traumas happened to us, we often blame ourselves. That can feed into self-loathing too, Myhre says. As we get older, if we feel like we’re not living up to a certain standard, we can feel bad about who we are. Over time, those thoughts and feelings can lead to self-hatred, Sproul explains. 

Regardless of your upbringing or past experiences, self-hatred can be more common in those dealing with mental health concerns like depression, addiction, or body dysmorphia, says Sproul. 

However you got here, being stuck in this cycle can feel pretty hopeless, but you can work toward a healthier sense of self over time by addressing the symptoms that fuel self-loathing. That progress won’t be quick, since you’re likely undoing decades of negative thought patterns, says Myhre. Still, every small step will get you closer to where you want to be and further from where you are now. Below, therapists explain exactly how to do that. 

1. Find the origins of your negative self-talk. 

Finding out where your self-hatred comes from can help you actually do something about it. Myhre suggests getting to the root cause by asking yourself: When I talk down to myself, whose voice does it sound like? Is it my parents’ or random trolls’ online? Is it a new voice or an old voice?  When you know where that voice is coming from, it gets a little easier to counteract it.

2. Reframe your thoughts.

Like we said, negative thoughts about ourselves stoke self-hatred. So, by trying to make these thoughts more neutral, we can lower the volume on the hate, says Sproul. Take an idea like, I can’t do anything right. You can reframe it as something like, I’m human, and not everything I do is perfect. It’s not super positive, but it’s a more realistic take on whatever went wrong. Ditto for tweaking, Why does everyone hate me? to something more realistic like, I’m not for everyone, just like not everyone is for me. You’ll probably find that neutrality is easier for a self-hating brain to believe than a positive affirmation like, I’m the best!!!!, says Myhre. It’s not as big of a jump.

You can also try editing your rude self-talk to be less blame-y, suggests Sproul. So that might look like, That didn’t go well, instead of, That didn’t go well because I’m an idiot. Again, that reframe isn’t optimistic, but it also doesn’t belittle you for existing. Baby steps.

3. Put your thoughts on trial.   

Another way to lessen the impact of self-deprecating thoughts is to challenge them. A lot of the time our negative internal dialogue is irrational, meaning there’s no actual evidence to support the rude things we’re saying. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop us from believing them anyway, says Myhre. However, when you make an effort to disprove those thoughts, it’s easier to see them as distorted and untrue.

Say you’re thinking, I fail no matter what I do. Ask yourself if that’s definitely the case. Was there ever a time you didn’t  fail, even if you weren’t totally successful? If nothing comes to mind, ask people you trust for their perspective, suggests Myhre. You can text them something like, “I’m in a bad headspace and thinking all I do is fail. Heeelp! Do you remember a time when I actually didn’t fuck up?” Spoiler: They do.

4. Practice gratitude.

By making an effort to notice what you’re grateful for, you’re training your brain to think more positively. And the more you practice finding the good in what’s around you, the easier it is to identify goodness in yourself, Myhre explains. (Also, it helps that gratitude is shown to boost your overall mood, she adds.) 

So, set a reminder to think about a few things you’re grateful for (even if it’s your halfway-decent cup of coffee), Myhre says. Keep doing that until it becomes easier for you to notice nice things unprompted. That’ll help you start to recognize the positive things about yourself.

5. Consider what’s actually in your control.

When you’re in a self-hate cycle, blaming yourself for everything can become a habit—even if you did nothing wrong, notes Myhre. So when you’re in the thick of that, try to objectively analyze the entire story or problem and see how much is really your fault. 

The next time you start to beat yourself up for your boss’s passive-aggressive comment—because you suck, so obviously  you did something wrong—try this out: Open a Google doc or use a pen and paper to write the story from beginning to end. Then, review it and get really skeptical about how much you contributed to the problem. Don’t be surprised if you find that you’re not  the only one to blame, Myhre says. 

6. Tap into your confidence.

As we’ve said, when you hate yourself, you think negatively about You. But doing something you’re good at helps you switch into a more positive frame of mind (without having to be all “I love myself” in the mirror). You feel confident, in control, and maybe even a little happy, Sproul says. 

To get out of self-hate mode, break out a puzzle you know you’ll crush, cook a recipe you always nail, or make a playlist your friend will love. Whatever activity feels like an easy target is fair game.

7. Own up to your mistakes.

Guilt is definitely appropriate when you’ve effed up, but self-hatred can make you hold onto that feeling and ruminate about being a horrible person. In that case, forgiving yourself and making amends can help you release the shame a bit, says Myhre. That’s because owning up to your mistakes proves that you’re worthy of forgiveness and you can learn from your mistakes. “Self-hatred hates that because it wants to keep you [feeling horrible],” Myhre says.

Of course, forgiving yourself isn’t easy when you feel like an awful person. So try some self-compassion by reminding yourself that humans make mistakes, says Myhre. You can also ask yourself, If someone else did the exact thing I did, would I treat them this way?  (Probably not.) Then, say or text an apology to whomever needs to hear it and commit to showing  them you’re sorry by changing how you act, Myhre adds.

8. Examine your coping skills.

Sometimes people dealing with self-hate turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like self-harm, overspending, or substance use) as a form of punishment or because those things feel good in the moment, Myhre and Sproul say. Unfortunately, those behaviors usually cause more shame, which leads to more  self-hatred, they note. Finding positive ways to cope (like going for a walk, taking a soothing shower, talking to someone, or letting yourself feel your feelings) can break that cycle. If you’re having a hard time shifting your coping skills on your own, a therapist can help you figure out why and can support you as you make changes, says Sproul.

9. Seek help.

Depending on what your self-hatred stems from, you might want to look for a therapist who specializes in trauma therapy, body image issues, substance use, or family and relationships. Once you land on a therapist, they can “help you understand how you’re thinking, how you’re behaving, and the impact that has on your life,” says Myhre. “There’s nothing you can’t say to us, truthfully, that we haven’t heard, or, even if we haven’t heard it, we’re never going to judge you for it.”

The post What to Do If You Actually Kinda Hate Yourself appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 05.28.24

7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed

“Other people have it worse…” (*gag*) BySam Brodsky

Feeling depressed is hard enough, so we know you don’t want to accidentally make it even worse by saying the wrong thing. We’re not implying you have to walk on eggshells around someone who is depressed. But it’s worth noting that what you say can come across as unhelpful and judgy even if you’re trying to get a friend or fam member to look on ~the bright side~. 

In case you haven’t experienced it yourself, depression can feel like heaviness that doesn’t dissipate, a total lack of motivation, and a deep loneliness. So, regarding what not  to say to someone with depression, avoid language that might exacerbate these feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and isolation, says psychotherapist and clinical social worker Linda Tran, LICSW. Instead, the goal is to communicate in a way that makes them feel respected, safe, and understood and encourages them to seek support, she says.

You won’t always say (or do) the right things when you’re with a depressed friend, so give yourself some grace, says clinical psychologist Leah Katz, PhD, author of Gutsy: Mindfulness Practices for Everyday Bravery. The important part is that you’re showing up and trying; don’t get so worried about your wording that you don’t reach out at all.  

To help you help them, we asked mental health professionals for some common responses that do more harm than you realize. Here’s what not to say to someone with depression and what to say or do instead, according to these experts.

1. “But you have a great life!”

You might think that reminding someone of all the good stuff going on is a rad idea because it’ll boost their mood. And that logic does make sense—we’ll give you that. But pointing out their fun and well-paying job, supportive partner, and living quarters that aren’t  500 square feet is super invalidating, notes Dr. Katz.

Implying that they don’t have things in their life to be depressed about suggests they’re making a choice to be depressed, clinical psychologist Sally Weinstein, PhD, associate director of the University of Illinois Center on Depression and Resilience, previously explained. “You wouldn’t ask someone, ‘Why do you have asthma? You have such a good job,’” she added. Point taken!

Sure, life struggles can play a role in why people are depressed, but so can genetics, biological factors, and even certain medications, per the National Institute of Mental Health. So just because things seem great on paper, that doesn’t mean someone can’t  be going through a depressive episode, says Tran. It doesn’t always have to be situational, she adds.

That said, it is  helpful to encourage a perspective shift since depression can give you tunnel vision where you only focus on the heaviness you feel, says Dr. Katz. But instead of forcing gratitude on them, gently put the ball in their court. 

Ask them if there are small moments where they’ve felt content or even just OK, suggests Dr. Katz. Whether that’s petting their dog, moving their body, or talking to a friend, helping them connect with what gives them value and purpose can really make a difference. It reminds them that joy exists and depression might not last forever, she explains.  

2. “Other people have it worse.”

This is another example of the wrong way to put things in perspective. Hearing this can make a depressed person feel ashamed, like they don’t have a right to their experience, says Dr. Katz. Just like saying that to someone with anxiety, it can also stop them from getting the support they ultimately need to feel better.   

A better way to go about this is to first validate their feelings (even if you don’t fully understand them) by saying, “It seems like you’re struggling, and I’m so sorry it’s hard for you right now.” This can help convey that you empathize with them, says Dr. Katz. Then, you can go back to what she suggested earlier: asking them to think about times where they felt a bit of joy or, simply, OK-ness. 

When they’re feeling a smidge lighter, you could also encourage them to write a letter to their future depressed self, Dr. Katz suggests. Reading words from their own perspective, when things aren’t as bad as they’ve been, is sometimes easier to believe than reminders that come from someone else, she notes. 

3. “Maybe it’s just [insert whatever here]!”

It’s totally understandable to not want someone you love to feel the heaviness of depression, so you resort to saying, “Well, maybe you’ve been working too hard or need more sleep.” But this can feel very minimizing and dismissive, like you’re not understanding what they’re going through and you’re trying to explain it away, says Dr. Katz.   

If you genuinely want to point out that they’ve talked about their lack of sleep, for example, (which can  be a symptom of depression, by the way!) it’s better to frame it as a question, rather than implying that perhaps  the depression is actually something else, says Dr. Katz. You can say something like, “Do you think your sleep could be impacting your mood at all?” she suggests. It’s not like you’re trying to prove their depression isn’t  depression. Instead, you’re coming from a place of curiosity and showing them you want to hear what they have to say, which feels supportive, Dr. Katz explains.

4. “Have you tried…?” *Proceeds to give unsolicited advice.*

Your first instinct might be to tell your loved one about what worked for you or others. Sure, maybe quitting your job helped you, or maybe you’ve been down a Reddit hole of “remedies” you think might help them. But if they don’t ask for this advice, it might come across as you think you know better than they do, says Dr. Katz. 

Not to mention, they might have zero energy to focus on getting better, in which case the last thing they’d want is for someone to tell them what to do, says Tran. In those moments, they might just need their struggles to be heard, she says.   

Instead, ask if they’re open to hearing advice or if there’s anything else you can help them with, Dr. Katz suggests. Try, “How can I be there for you right now? Do you want me to listen or are you looking for advice?” And, to keep it real, you can always ask if you’re overstepping their boundaries, Dr. Katz notes. 

If they’re not in a receiving-advice kind of mood, there are so many other ways you can help, like vetting therapists for them or offering a hand with day-to-day stuff they might not feel up to doing.

5. “I know exactly what you’re going through.”

Hearing from someone else in their life who’s experienced depression can make a depressed person feel less alone. But going right into your own experience can kinda hijack a conversation and make it about you when you’re really looking to support them, says Dr. Katz. 

You’re probably trying to validate them by declaring that you know what they’re experiencing, but it can come across as presumptuous because everyone’s circumstances are different, says Tran. 

Instead, just like asking if they want advice, you can say, “I have some things that I think might be helpful for you to hear about my own experience with depression. Are you in a place for that right now?” suggests Dr. Katz. Tran agrees that it’s better to give them a choice and also mention that you know your experiences might be a tad different. 

If they don’t want to hear your story, that’s fine! You can just listen to them or spend time with them, if that’s what they need, says Tran.

6. “You don’t look depressed.”

Lots of people who have depression are “high-functioning” and can mask it pretty well. “They show up to work, they’ll go out, and they’ll laugh when they know they’re supposed to laugh, but they’re really depressed on the inside,” says Dr. Katz. Many depression symptoms are internal too—thoughts or feelings that aren’t noticeable to other people, she notes.

Pointing out that someone doesn’t look depressed isn’t helpful because it can deter them from opening up (and it low-key gives off I-don’t-believe-you vibes). It can also make someone feel like you aren’t able to make space for how they’re feeling, says Dr. Katz. Then, they might shut down and get discouraged from getting help from others, notes Tran.  

If you want to let them know you’re surprised to hear they’re depressed, simply say that. Dr. Katz suggests something like, “Wow, I didn’t realize how bad you were feeling. I’m so glad you told me. How can I be here for you?” 

You can then ask if they want to talk about the struggles that you weren’t able to see, says Tran. “By asking about these hidden aspects, a person can feel seen, heard, and validated.” 

7. “You’re not suicidal, right?”

It makes sense if you jump to the worst-case scenario that someone who’s depressed may not want to be alive. Research shows that the risk of suicide is higher in people with depression than in people who aren’t depressed, and suicidal thoughts are among the many symptoms of a major depressive episode, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR).

However (and this is a big one), people can be depressed and not have suicidal thoughts at all, or they can be suicidal and not experience depression, notes licensed clinical psychologist Kathryn Gordon, PhD, author of The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook. 

Basically, it’s valid to want to ask, but the way that you ask is so, so important. If you say, “You’re not suicidal, right?” that implies that you don’t want them to answer “yes.” It deters them from actually being honest since it comes across as judgmental, Dr. Gordon explains. Bring your concern up in a warm and nonjudgmental way instead, by saying you’re worried about them because of X, Y, Z and asking if they’re having suicidal thoughts, she suggests. You can also add something like, “I could be wrong…” to acknowledge that you aren’t trying to assume anything, notes Tran. 

Don’t worry, you won’t plant the idea in their head if they weren’t thinking about it, says Dr. Gordon. That’s a myth about suicide worth remembering. If they haven’t thought about it before, they’ll tell you that, and they probably won’t be mad at you for asking if you’re coming from a place of concern, she notes.

But if they were  having those thoughts, you’ve just created a safe space for this person to talk about them, Dr. Gordon says. Give them the floor by asking questions that’ll help you understand what they’re going through and show that you’re interested in their experience, she suggests. These could include, “What is this like for you?” and “What kind of thoughts or feelings are you having lately?” Then, try summarizing what they’ve said back to them, Dr. Gordon suggests.

From there, you can ask what’s actually helpful and continue to check in on them. (Here’s more advice for how to help someone who is suicidal, if you need it.) 

The post 7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.23.23

How to Get the Hell Out of a Shame Spiral

FYI, you’re (probably) not a terrible person! BySam Brodsky

If you’ve ever had a vivid flashback to a time when you wiped a booger on anything other than a tissue (it’s OK…we’ve all done it) and physically cringed or just couldn’t stop feeling like a garbage human, you know what a shame spiral is.

Honestly, it’s a completely normal response to doing something (or remembering a thing you did) that you think is bad and reflects on you as a person—being “over served” at that family wedding, talking shit and getting caught, treating a friend like crap when you were going through a hard time. Whatever the situation, hating on yourself and not being able to shake that self-judgment can be a real bummer.

In case we haven’t made this super clear already, shame is thinking you  are bad or that there’s something wrong with you because of something you did (or just in general), says clinical psychologist at McLean Hospital’s Trauma Continuum and faculty at Harvard Medical School Michaela Swee, PhD. (Guilt, on the other hand, is feeling like you did something bad, JFYI.)

But you can also feel shamey just because! (Fun!) For example, you might think there’s something wrong with you based on what people (bullies, parents, society) tell you, says Dr. Swee, co-host of the Compassion Collective  podcast. Shame can also be a symptom when people are majorly struggling with their mental health, she says. 

Whatever the origin story of your shame, it sucks. It can make you want to hide out and wallow or even lead to feelings of depression, says licensed psychologist Kristin Bianchi, PhD. It sometimes causes physical symptoms too, like super tense shoulders and neck or having a pit in your stomach, a knot in your throat, or pain in your chest—sorta like anxiety, Dr. Swee notes. So, yeah, not ideal.

Somehow, there is a bright side to this feeling, and that’s a little thing called ~personal growth~ or learning from our mistakes. If you’re feeling really icky about that booger incident, hey, it might just mean that you value hygiene—so you can make changes to live a booger-in-a-tissue, washing-your-hands-after-the-bathroom kind of lifestyle. It can help you avoid doing those things or something similar in the future, says Dr. Bianchi. 

That’s nice, but if getting out of a shame spiral is your biggest goal at the moment, there are some things you can do. Here, experts explain how you can re-focus your attention, put things into perspective, give yourself a little compassion, and see your way out of that shamey mindset. 

Sit with it.

When we feel something terrible like shame, our instinct is usually to tell ourselves that something is wrong with us and to make that emotion go away as fast as possible, says Dr. Swee. 

But—and this probably sounds annoying—sticking with your shame for a minute instead of immediately reacting can actually make it suck less. That’s because you’re proving to yourself that you’re able to deal with shame until it eventually passes, Dr. Swee says. “It can be a really empowering exercise to help someone learn: Hey, I just got through that by myself, and there was a beginning, middle, and end,” she explains.

Instead of trying so hard to change what you’re feeling, work on surfing the emotion, which can look like this, says Dr. Swee: 

• Notice what’s coming up. Name what you’re feeling (hi, shame!) and where you might feel it in your body. 
• Ask: How would I describe what I’m feeling? Does it have a temperature, a color, a texture? 
• Ask: How does my shame change as I sit with it? Does it ebb and flow? Does it simmer down? 

Use your senses to ground you.

When you’re stuck in “WTF, I’m horrible” thoughts, grounding techniques can get your mind off of shame. Since it’s hard to focus on your negative thoughts AND something else at the same time, using a ground exercise to pay attention to what’s around you can help you shift your focus, says Dr. Bianchi. One of her faves is the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, where you name five things you see, four you can touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste. If that doesn’t work for you, you can just start realizing stuff, like what’s going on around you, how your body feels, and what your breathing is like. 

Make a list.

Similar to how grounding techniques direct your attention away from shamey thoughts, listing out your favorite songs or writing out a word that starts with every letter of the alphabet can help redirect your mind, says Dr. Bianchi. It can literally be anything! Simple? Yes. Effective? Also yes.

Be realistic.

Challenging what your shame tells you can help you see that maybe that thing you’re berating yourself about isn’t a huge deal, says Dr. Bianchi. So the next time you’re telling yourself that your boss 100% thinks you’re stupid for stumbling on your words during a team presentation, ask: Is there any other reason to believe they think that? If they looked annoyed over Zoom, could it be because it was Monday? Are there other people who’ve made mistakes during presentations who you still admire? Are there other things about your job you’re good at? You get the point.

Don’t let shame convince you that all is lost for you. Take a page out of Hannah Montana’s book and remind yourself that everybody makes mistakes!  “That really is an inevitable part of life,” says Dr. Bianchi. Amen. 

Write a self-compassionate letter.

It’s not just about saying nice things. Being compassionate means letting yourself feel your emotions, listening to what you need, and being there for yourself when you’re hurting (like right now), says Dr. Swee. And all of that can make shame feel less intense. 

When showing up for yourself feels hard, writing a letter to someone you care about as if they’re struggling with shame can accomplish the same goal. Start by acknowledging the shame struggle and writing down whatever advice might be helpful for them to hear. Positive affirmations are good too, but make sure they’re something they’d actually believe like, “You’ve gotten through similar things in the past,” instead of, “You’ll be OK,” says Dr. Swee. When you’re done, cross out the person’s name and replace it with yours, Dr. Swee suggests. 

Talk to people you trust. 

Seeking compassion from others when you’re in the thick of shame can validate your emotions and put whatever you’re stressing about into perspective when you don’t see an endpoint in sight, says Dr. Swee. 

While it’s not about asking your BFF or dad to let you off the hook for something, they can  remind you that you’re not the world’s worst person and you’ve survived this feeling before, she says. So call up your person, ask if they have time to chat, and get their take on what you’re going through. 

Hang out with literally anyone!

Interacting with others—even if that’s just ordering a salad from a lunch spot nearby—can actually make you feel like you belong, Dr. Bianchi notes. “Feeling connected to other people is an antidote to shame. When we experience that sense of belonging, it’s incompatible with this idea that we have to hide and that we’re unacceptable,” she explains. 

Smile at a cute dog, text an acquaintance, or ask a grocery store employee where the broccolini is. You! Are! Connecting! And, yes, if you do feel like seeing your friends or fam, def do that if you’re up for it—even if you don’t bring up your shame. 

Take responsibility for your mistakes.

It’s sometimes hard to learn from your shame when it won’t stop coming at you. But once you’re out of it, thinking about what you can do to remedy the thing you’re stressing about can help you move on. Remind yourself that while you can’t go back in time, you can do better, says Dr. Swee. Maybe that’s apologizing to a boss for snapping at them (or messing up on your presentation!) or just making a promise to yourself that you’re going to do better in the future.

Seek support. 

If you notice that you feel shame a lot and it won’t go away, it could be time to think about if you need therapy. A mental health pro can help you figure out the underlying causes of why you’re feeling so much shame, says Dr. Bianchi. They can also give you more tools for coping with shame when it comes up for you, she says. “If we’re stuck in a cycle of shame, we may not have enough psychological distance or objectivity to really understand it, and there are professionals who are happy to help make sense of it and help you decrease the role that shame plays in your life,” she explains. 

You might want to see a clinician who uses compassion-focused therapy, which was specifically developed to help people deal with shame, or acceptance and commitment therapy, which can help you process and accept your shame, says Dr. Swee. Group therapy can also give you a safe space where you can feel a bit more comfortable with your shame if you’re hearing from others who’ve gone through it, she notes. 

Ultimately, the goal is to find someone who makes you feel safe, comfortable, and seen since shame is…well…shamey and often feels like something you want to hide, says Dr. Swee.

The post How to Get the Hell Out of a Shame Spiral appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.22.23

8 Therapist-Backed Tips for Taking Criticism Like a Champ

Getting defensive isn’t it. BySam Brodsky

Maybe your boss said you had to work on clear communication (don’t we all) or your friend semi-jokingly called your apartment messy (you just have a special way of organizing clothes!). Perhaps your partner told you the pasta you thought  tasted fine was beyond bland (rude!). If criticism like this makes you feel like you were personally victimized by Regina George, you’re not alone.  

First, it’s important to note that criticism can be well-intentioned or…not. When someone criticizes what you say, do, or put out in the world, they’re pointing to something they disapprove of to hurt or help you, says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. For instance, a manager who notes your “poor time management” could be, in their eyes, trying to help. (Bonus points if they go the extra mile to give you tips to improve how you prioritize your work, which would make it constructive  criticism.) But other times criticism can be a bunch of hurtful garbage, like a stranger body-shaming you in your IG comments.  

Regardless of the person’s intentions, criticism can feel a lot like rejection, and since it’s human to want to belong, not having someone’s approval and acceptance sucks, Dr. Hendriksen says. “Criticism means or implies that we’ve stepped out of line in some way. And in the ultimate worst-case scenario, being rejected by the tribe means we’re alone,” she explains. 

Being told you’ve stepped out of line—whether they’re right or wrong—can make you feel inadequate or incapable, Dr. Hendriksen says. And because we’re social creatures who don’t want other people to view us poorly for letting them down or messing up, we often get defensive when criticized, she says.   

Another common response to criticism is guilt if we’ve actually done something wrong and shame if we’re falling into a spiral of, I’m a horrible person for doing that thing wrong, says Dr. Hendriksen. Have you ever felt those emotions? Yeah, they are NOT fun. 

The big picture, though, is that criticism is a natural part of being a person existing around other people—it’s a given when we work on a team, live with friends, post content on social media—and it’s often going to feel bad, Dr. Hendriksen says. But there are therapist-approved ways to help criticism sting a little less or, at the very least, to help you find some worth in words you might not like.   

1. Ask for clarification.

It might seem like someone’s being mean on purpose when they offer criticism, but that could just be how you’re interpreting it, and, chances are, they might not actually want to hurt you. It’s oftentimes hard to assume the best in people, so getting to the bottom of someone’s intentions can help you feel a bit better about the criticism. One way to do that is by asking for more info, says Dr. Hendriksen. You could try something like: “What makes you say that?” or “Can you tell me a little more about why you see it that way?” 

Maybe your boss has an exhaustive list of notes on your work presentation, and it feels like they’re attacking every little thing you do. It may even feel like they’re attacking you, not just your work. But by asking them for clarification on why they have tons to say, they might tell you that they see so much potential in you and want to help you learn to create the perfect presentation on your own.

2. Consider it could just be a difference of opinion. 

Even though your boss’s criticism might be a smidge easier to swallow knowing they want to help—not attack—your work, you still might be annoyed that they thought your presentation could be better. However, receiving feedback from someone doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong; it could be the other person’s opinion, Dr. Hendriksen says. Basically, you may have different views on what a good presentation is, but since they are in charge, they’re in a position to tell you what they think. 

If you’re shaming yourself for dropping the ball, remembering that criticism is an opinion can make it feel a little less personal. Just because your boss is telling you this doesn’t mean they think you  are a bad or incapable person. “We have opinions all the time, but that doesn’t necessarily change how we feel about others,” Dr. Hendriksen explains. Maybe you tell your friend every other week that you really think they should shave their mustache. That doesn’t mean you hate them for keeping the stache on their face! Apply that same knowledge when you get feedback.

3. Test-drive criticism before you reject it.

Even if you’ve groaned 50 times in the past day thinking about someone’s criticism, it can be a roadmap for doing things better, so you don’t always want to flat-out reject all of it, Dr. Hendriksen notes. Viewing their critique as an experiment you can try out for your own benefit can help you see the positives in whatever the criticism is. Then, if you don’t like how things are going, you can change course, she says. Easy peasy.

Maybe it feels like a slap in the face when your BFF tells you that you need to jump back into dating because you’re “stuck” on your ex. Sure, you could just ignore them, but you could also—if you’re comfortable—download apps or let them set you up on a chill coffee hang with a friend of a friend. If it sucks, you don’t have to keep doing it. You tried their approach, and you can decide to continue following it or not. You have options!  

4. Distance yourself from the criticism in some way.

If you’ve been replaying something a rude customer said to you in your head since last week, separating yourself from the thing you’re thinking about—called cognitive defusion, or defusion for short—can help you not take it so seriously. You could try picturing the criticism as words on a screen in front of you, not in your head, and watching them go by, Dr. Hendriksen suggests. You can sing the words over and over—they might sound silly when you do—or imagine you’re typing them on your laptop and change the color, size, and font to look as weird as you want, she also suggests. Play around with it!  

Distancing yourself from criticism and manipulating the words in some way might help you realize that you don’t even have to listen to them at all and you actually have control over how they impact you, Dr. Hendriksen explains. “The criticism isn’t truth or gospel; it’s just words,” she says. 

5. Think about whether it’s worth pushing back.  

Defending yourself against disapproving comments might not always be the best idea if there could be consequences. Maybe you don’t agree when your boss says you take too many breaks throughout the day. If it’s blatantly incorrect (you only leave your desk to go to the bathroom and grab lunch), you can present them with the facts, notes therapist Matthew Bell, LMFT. But, in general, you probably wouldn’t want to lean too hard into defense mode when they have the power to fire or demote you real quick. 

In those instances where you really want to say something but can’t/shouldn’t, try walking away for a breather instead of reacting out of hurt, suggests Bell. If you can’t physically take a walk, do something to get yourself out of your head—which may be spiraling with things that you want to scream say—and into your body for a sense of calm, he says. Focus on your breath (in through your nose, out through your mouth) or crunch and release your toes, he suggests. 

If you feel like you’re in a low-stakes situation, pushing back might be fine. Say your mother-in-law texts you bad reviews about your kids’ daycare. Send her a message back saying you’re happy with where your kiddos are at because of X, Y, and Z reasons. But if you don’t feel like getting into it with her for the third time this week, you can thank her for letting you know and call it a day, suggests Dr. Hendriksen.  

6. Tell the criticizer how you feel. 

If you’re hurt by criticism that your cousin, co-worker, or whoever says, letting the person know can help you by releasing the emotion that might have otherwise been stuck in your mind, says Bell. As a bonus, it can allow the other person to clarify how they actually wanted their words to land with you, he says. Maybe you tell them that their criticism was upsetting to hear and they say that really wasn’t their intention. 

When you’re ready, you can say something like, “This felt [insert emotion] to me because [insert why].” But you don’t need to have the conversation ASAP. How the criticism made you feel doesn’t become invalid if you don’t address it right away, Bell notes. It’s based on how comfortable you are with that person, if you have the words to express how you’re feeling in the moment, and also the setting you’re in—like if you’re one on one versus with a group, he says. 

7. Give yourself time with your emotions. 

Sure, you can mute social media trolls in seconds, but sometimes you can’t ignore the “I’m the absolute worst” or “they  are the absolute worst” thoughts on repeat in your head after you read their comments. In fact, trying to mute those thoughts might make you think about them even more since it’s easy to focus on a thing when you know you’re not supposed to focus on it, notes Dr. Hendriksen. The good news is that making room to sit in your feelings can actually help them go away faster since you’re not resisting them, she says. 

To create space for the anger, shame, whatever it is, picture it as a physical object somewhere inside your body—it can be a gray metal box under your skin, for example, says Dr. Hendriksen. Then, just breathe and let that object stay where it is to metaphorically make room for it. This is a way to practice mindfulness because you’re watching the emotion in the present moment without judgment, making you less likely to spiral into a rabbit hole of negative self-talk, she explains. You might notice the box go away once you give it room to hang out.

If visualization isn’t for you, you can literally sit and cry it out, and you might observe that, eventually, crying stops. “What goes up must come down,” Dr. Hendriksen says. You can also get mindful about how your body is reacting to your emotions without judgment, she suggests. Are you clenching your teeth or tensing your muscles? Do you feel heat rush to your cheeks? You can pay attention to urges that come up for you too, she adds. Do you want to vent to your sibling or get revenge? Do you want to throw what you’re feeling in the trash? Noticing how your emotions impact you is a way to actually move through them. 

8. Treat yourself like a friend.

Getting criticism can feel really rough (especially if we internalize it), so make sure to give yourself the same grace and compassion you’d give a friend in this situation, says Dr. Hendriksen. You wouldn’t want your BFF wallowing for days when they got a bad performance review or when someone called them out on Twitter for retweeting a #canceled celeb. Maybe you’d give them a hug and tell them that even though they may have dropped the ball a tiny bit, everything’s going to be OK. 

Do the same for yourself. Try putting a hand on your heart (or wrapping yourself in a blanket burrito) and saying comforting words like, “I know you’re not happy right now, but you’re going to be OK,” Dr. Hendriksen suggests. Maybe you can make yourself some tea or read your fave novel—it’s about supporting yourself with self-care like you would a friend.

The post 8 Therapist-Backed Tips for Taking Criticism Like a Champ appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 05.18.23

14 People on Why They Cheated

Loneliness! Trauma! Restlessness! It’s all here, friends. BySam Brodsky

Heads up: This article mentions abuse and pregnancy loss if you want to skip it. 

It can be easy to overthink after being cheated on or vilify people for cheating: your BFF’s partner for sending flirty DMs (they’re canceled forever!!!), certain Bravo stars who had a months-long affair (IYKYK), even yourself for impulse-kissing someone in a club five years ago. However you define infidelity—and whether or not you’ve been there—you might be scream-wondering, Why do people cheat? Why are we like this?! 

The answer may seem simple if the cheating happened to you, your friend, or a reality TV queen/icon/legend who shall remain nameless: They’re just a selfish worm with a mustache! But that label glosses over all of the complicated emotional issues that might have led to the affair in question. And the shame probably isn’t helping anyone, TBH. 

Having low self-esteem, feeling unhappy with life or a relationship, trauma, fear, and unhelpful patterns of behavior learned as a kid (like from parents in abusive relationships) or in previous relationships could all be reasons why people cheat, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. The person could have felt unlovable or worthless growing up and doesn’t believe they deserve love. Or, they could feel like their partner isn’t giving them clear communication or intimacy, Brunner says. (FWIW, sometimes people who cheat don’t actually bring up what they need in the first place, which isn’t great for anyone.)  

Another common theme is avoiding the confrontation of a breakup by doing something that forces their partner to peace out, like cheating. Infidelity can also happen when people realize they aren’t sure monogamy is working for them but are scared to admit they’d be more comfortable in an open relationship or ethical non-monogamy, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. So there’s that!

And, FYI, even people in relatively happy relationships emotionally or physically cheat, Fernandez says. “Despite being in love with their partners and content with their lives, many individuals will be unfaithful to experience a different version of themselves that they don’t have access to in their current relationship,” she explains.

All of this is to say that, yes, cheating is definitely shitty, but condemning others or yourself for being The Worst  is…even shittier. It happens, and it sucks. At the end of the day, though, stigma keeps people from addressing the underlying emotional issues that lead to cheating (with a therapist or themselves). That means more of the same old patterns and missed opportunities for actually helpful healing, says Brunner.

So, to help shed a little light on the emotional stuff that can trigger why people cheat, we asked 14 people why they stepped out on their partner and a bit about what they learned. 

1. I wanted to break up for good.

“I very much live on the principle that if cheating is involved, you should no longer be in that relationship. In my experience, it is NOT an opportunity to now fix the relationship out of guilt. So, when I cheated on a past partner, it was my way of getting out of a relationship and not allowing myself to go back.

This boyfriend and I were solid in some ways, though I wouldn’t say we were well-suited to one another. Overall, I think we had different expectations for what a relationship was meant to be and totally opposite expectations for how our lives would move forward (individually or together). I was often left pretty hurt and feeling like I was getting the short end of the stick in the relationship. Because of this, I attempted to end the relationship a few times throughout the three-ish years we were seeing each other/dating. None of them stuck. 

I didn’t set out to cheat. I think it can be surmised as a ‘drunk mistake,’ and, in some ways, it definitely was. I don’t think that if I were in my right mind, I would have done what I did. But on some level, consciously or not, I knew I was done with the relationship and didn’t know how to end it in a way that would be different than how I tried over the course of three years.

Some may disagree with this decision, but I never told him I cheated. I wanted to be the only one who lived with the guilt, shame, and pain of bringing that into our relationship. When I saw him next, I broke up with him right away.” —Anonymous 

2. I was still figuring out what I wanted.

“When I was 18, I cheated on my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. At that age, we didn’t know how to communicate. We were both so toxic and were still learning how to love each other—and I was still learning to love myself. 

I was basically getting attention from someone else. This man knew I was in a relationship, and I allowed it to happen. I snuck around and turned off my location and eventually left my boyfriend. I jumped into a new relationship with this other man because he made me feel special.

Eventually, things didn’t work out, and I went solo for a while until I ran into my now-husband again. We talked things out and agreed that: 1) We were both toxic to each other, and 2) I should’ve realized what was in front of me that whole time with him. We grew stronger and better! We learned how to communicate and how to be kind to one another.” —Anonymous, 21

3. I realized I was settling.

“We were due to marry only 10 months before I cheated physically. Everything was very overwhelming. We had just moved to a new town, and we had met a new group of people our age. I had never experienced the social side of being an adult—the drinks, the parties! But with this new group of friends, I realized that I settled too quickly, and I got really scared that I was enjoying this new life. I adored this man but didn’t want to settle down so early.

I remember the night [the cheating] happened. It was new, and those feelings were fresh and exciting—[something] I hadn’t had for six years. When it was over, I was left with a little fire in my tummy. I just knew I had to explore and experience life more.

Now I’m with that guy I cheated with. I’m extremely sorry to [my ex] for cheating and will always care for him to this day. But I’m very proud of myself for getting out.” —S.H., 25

4. I was trying to get out.

“We had been dating since freshman year of college and had been together maybe two years at that point. I wasn’t happy but was scared to end it and was terrified of being alone. I was struggling to actually have the breakup conversation because I didn’t want to hurt this other person. So, I cheated once with a man I met at a bar in hopes that the guilt would force me to finally end it. It worked, and I called it off the next day.

We got back together a few days later even though I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t know how to say no. I never told him about the cheating and told myself that doing so would only put an end to my own guilt, which didn’t feel fair to him. We ended up breaking up a year after I had been in therapy and had the ability to express myself. I was very young at the time and did a lot of work to ask for what I wanted and stand firm in my decisions.

I still believe that telling him about the cheating would have only been for selfish reasons. But I do regret having cheated in the first place and wish I would have been able to end the relationship without resorting to doing something so hurtful, even though, at the time, I believed it was the only way.” —Anonymous, 25

5. My relationship wasn’t the right fit. 

“In hindsight, it was obvious that something was missing from my relationship. I had clearly settled and wasn’t happy with the level of intimacy and interaction I was getting. I know now that being challenged is something that’s important for me to grow as a person in a relationship. If I stuck around, that particular relationship would have led me to a house and two kids at age 26, and that’s not what I wanted at all. There was incredible pressure from his family, and I didn’t fit that mold.

I cheated emotionally with a couple of kisses thrown in. I do regret the hurt that I caused and wish I could have had these realizations without the catalyst being cheating, but I didn’t have those realizations before and I did  cause a lot of pain. I’ve tried to reckon with the guilt and shame, but they are complex emotions, and I feel like I’m still working on them a decade later. I don’t judge people as much for cheating now, and I can empathize with some of the reasons people do it.” —Cara, 31

6. I felt lonely.

“I cheated because I felt alone. I feel horrible to this day. The marriage was not working for a long time, and we started living in separate rooms after I had a miscarriage. He ended up leaving me six months later, but we did not discuss seeing other people or getting a divorce. He just sort of left. I would call multiple times a day and would not get a response. Months passed, and someone saw how horrible of a state I was in and tried to help. We ended up having an emotional connection, and I cheated. That was about a year after my husband left me.” —Anonymous, 29 

7. The relationship felt forced.

“I cheated emotionally and physically. I was in an unhappy, loveless (on my behalf) marriage, and my spouse refused to sign the divorce papers. For me, being in a loveless marriage filled me with a lot of sorrow and angst. I felt like every day I was pretending to the outside world that I was happy. Meanwhile, in reality, I felt like I was slowly dying. Every day I lost a piece of myself and lost the ability to love myself. It was tragic to live in such an inauthentic way.” —Raquel S., 54

8. I was suffering.

“I had undiagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorders. I was engaging in a lot of risky behavior at the time. I was drinking a lot, so my judgment was often skewed. Emotionally, I was in turmoil every day because of trauma that I hadn’t yet worked through. (I have since been diagnosed, started medication, and am actively in therapy so as to not make the same mistakes.)

Overall, my mental health was in an awful state when I cheated emotionally and physically. I was extremely unhappy in my marriage but didn’t have it in me to leave because I was scared to. I didn’t think I would be able to move on. I had given up a lot for my marriage to work/happen in the first place and was scared of the prospect of starting over. I thought cheating would fulfill what was missing from my marriage, but I was wrong.” —Hana H., 24 

9. I never felt like we shared much intimacy.

“I cheated on my boyfriend of three years (now ex) who lived with me. The realization hit that there was zero romance in our relationship. After over a year of missing all those small things (kissing, intimacy, attention, compliments) and vocalizing that I needed them but still not getting them, I was lonely. He seemed to be more in love with his PC for gaming, honestly (LOL).

I was even more desperate for some form of happiness and distraction after my friend died only a few months into the pandemic. I became very, very depressed around this time. I cheated by sexting my co-worker. After a few hours of doing that in the middle of the night while lying beside my boyfriend, I just broke down crying in the bathroom, feeling so much regret and guilt. 

I ended up breaking up with him two months after all that first happened—after there was still no change in our dynamic. It’s been over three years, and I know I made the right decision. In the end, I needed to learn self-love, boundaries, and how to listen to my intuition sooner.” —Thalia U., 25

10. I wasn’t happy at all.

“I knew the heterosexual relationship was over and toxic (it was also long distance). I knew I was more attracted to other women, so I hooked up with one of my best friends at a work party. I was unhappy.” —Anonymous, 25 

11. I was in an abusive relationship. 

“I was alone and grieving the loss of my unborn child. My partner at the time became distant, started drinking more often, and sometimes became physically violent. Eventually, I was being mentally abused daily. I remember feeling so alone and angry. I started using alcohol as an escape, and one night I got so drunk that I slept with an old friend. I felt terrible the next day and told my partner right away. He forgave me, and we tried to work it out, but the abuse worsened. I ended up leaving because I was so tired of being angry and hurt. Even through the trauma, I still believe I should’ve left earlier instead of cheating.” —Anonymous, 30

12. I self-sabotaged because I was bored. 

“I cheated on my current partner who we’ll call J. We’ve been together for six years now, and, thankfully, our relationship survived my infidelity. My main reason for cheating was because I’m the queen of self-sabotage. Anytime my life couldn’t be better, I get bored. J never did anything wrong. He was supportive of everything I did. I was at university away from him for months at a time. I was lonely, and I kissed another person. Things progressed quickly, but I stopped them before it could go any further.

I deeply regret that I caused J so much hurt but mostly that I betrayed his trust. Thankfully, we’ve worked it out and have just moved in together, but it definitely damaged our relationship.” —KayL, 24

13. I needed more from my partner.

“I was young and in a long-distance relationship that clearly wasn’t working. I wanted more out of my relationship, especially emotional validation, and my partner wanted to keep it as casual as possible. One night I was talking to one of my classmates, and she was giving me advice on how to get out of the relationship instead of just waiting for a miracle to end it for me. One thing led to another, and my classmate and I ended up together. I felt extremely guilty, so I broke up with my partner and told her what I did.” —Hope M., 29

14. I thought revenge would make me feel better.

“In high school, I cheated on my then-boyfriend with my best guy friend, who was also friends with my boyfriend. I’d say I cheated physically on my boyfriend, but it was also a bit of emotional cheating because my friend and I had a certain connection that went beyond physical. My boyfriend had cheated on me first, and, as an emotionally immature 17-year-old, I thought the best way to get even was to cheat as well. Looking back now, I know it was wrong and it didn’t feel as revenge-satisfying as I thought it would. It just made me realize my partner was not emotionally satisfying me how a partner should.” —Amanda, 34

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

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