Stories Link Copied 05.13.24

14 Ways People Are Navigating the Pandemic Skip

What year is it? How old am I? Where are all of my friends now? BySam Brodsky

If you woke up on your last birthday (or, honestly, any day) and thought, I’m HOW old?! It’s WHAT year?!  Yeah, that’s real. Ever since 2020, a lot of us have felt like we seemingly lost chunks of time. Because of that, we felt off-kilter and not entirely our ages as we slowly returned to “normal.” This experience is what a 2023 essay in The Cut  perfectly named the “pandemic skip.”

Even if you haven’t used the words “pandemic” and “skip” together, you might know the feeling. One study found that, for thousands of Americans surveyed during the first six months of the pandemic, time felt like it sped up or slowed down—which is common for “an unprecedented collective trauma,” the study’s authors write. And when you have an effed up perception of time and emerge from the confines of lockdown, things are bound to feel out of whack.

Varsha D., 28, says that now that she’s on the other side of lockdown, she is incredibly sad about the people we lost and the time  we lost too. She finds herself feeling like she’s still 24. 

And that feeling makes total sense. When your normal routine changes and you miss experiences that generally indicate time’s passing—like graduations, weddings, baby showers, and holidays—you can absolutely be disoriented, explains licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. This can happen during any sort of life-derailing setback, like losing someone close to you, getting sick, or (yep!) going through a pandemic, says Dr. Howes.

Dr. Howes says his clients described this pandemic skip as a detour from life because they missed out on the dating scene, jobs, or an in-person education. You might also be a bit confused when arbitrary social norms tell you that, by now, your timeline should look a certain way since you’re somehow older than you feel. 

All of this can obviously impact your mood day to day. If you get the sense that the pandemic left you in the dust or unequipped to take on what you used to think of as age-appropriate milestones, you might feel inadequate, insecure, stuck, and/or full of existential dread, explains clinical psychologist Cynthia Shaw, PsyD.

Yes, that’s a lot. But one of the best ways to deal with the pandemic skip is to grieve the experiences and time you lost, Dr. Shaw notes. That’s not the only strategy that can help you feel better though. Here, people who’ve dealt with this special brand of mental trickery (or are still dealing with it) explain how they’re managing so you can do the same. 

1. Focus on ~happiness~. 

“I truly feel like the pandemic took my last year of my 20s and, suddenly, I’m freaking out about my timeline now that I’m 33. Instead of focusing on what I’ve lost or where I should be, I’m trying to make more space for things that bring me joy. That means learning French, planning more travels, meditating, and going to Pilates. It’s been such a helpful perspective shift for me.” —Amy D., 33

2. Think about what you’re grateful for.

“I definitely feel like, at this age, I should be a homeowner by now, but the pandemic rocked the housing market. Here I am, years after lockdown, almost six months pregnant and scrambling to find a place with more space. Mentally, it’s been an exhausting journey and the stress seems to be getting worse, not better. The best tool in my toolbox to combat this is gratitude. I’m grateful for my husband, the apartment we have, our cat, and the healthy baby girl growing inside of me.” —Julia G., 32

3. Set personal goals.

“I’ve stopped comparing my life to others and learned to replace those negative thoughts with direct action and planning. Instead of comparison, I set realistic short-term goals for myself.” —Anonymous, 35 

4. Make up for lost fun.

“I was 23 when the pandemic started, and now I’m 28. I feel like I missed my prime 20s-partying era, but I’m too tired to hit the clubs every weekend. I don’t force it, but I remind myself that I can still go out and have fun! In fact, post lockdown, I am more confident, have more money, have better friends, and make better decisions, so my nightlife is actually way more elevated and fun (with less hangovers).” —Kendall F., 28

5. Take back your time.

“My pandemic skip really set in when my boundaries between work and home life went out the window in 2021. Everything moved fast, and I felt like I wasn’t paying attention to time lost until the stress of my job really took over. I was also making excuses for my path in life because I kept saying, ‘I just need to get through X before I can do Y.’ Now more than ever, I understand how important it is to create the life I want for myself in the present instead of putting it off. It’s empowering to take back control of my time, and it feels really good to make progress with creative ideas.” —Char P., 52

6. Remember that timelines are fake.

“I got engaged in 2019 and had planned our wedding for the summer of 2020. Like many others, Covid postponed our plans. Everything felt just out of reach because we had to put things off, like I’d found who I wanted to marry and who I wanted to buy a home with, but we were stuck. Feeling behind took a toll on my self-esteem and made me feel sad. While I did eventually get married, I still sometimes feel like I should have hit more milestones by now, like being further in my career or having a family. Now, whenever I see friends or family members announcing their own milestones, I try to keep reminding myself that timelines are made up, so I’m not actually behind on life.” —Caitlin U., 31

7. Lean into self-compassion.

“Entering a new decade is always a milestone, though I never imagined that I would be entering my 30s while living at home, without a job, in a worldwide lockdown. I’m now 33, but I feel like I’m still 30 because I missed out on trips and life experiences during the pandemic. So, in moments when I’m most hard on myself, I try to give myself grace by being kind to myself. That looks like going on solo dates, doing stuff that makes me happy, or writing down one positive thing that happened to me that day—like not hitting any traffic.” —N.C., 33

8. Shift your focus. 

“I started my undergrad studies in mid-2019, so I only had about one on-site semester before everything went completely online until 2022. I didn’t have the typical university experience. What helps me feel less behind now is focusing on the good outcomes, like how I appreciated taking online exams instead of taking them in person and how social distancing actually helped my anxiety and made me feel safer.” —Alessa D., 25

9. Get back into a routine. 

“I think those of us who experience the pandemic skip have felt anxiety and fear that time got away from us. It’s like this train that’s running and we’re missing the train. There’s been a lot of adjusting and getting used to what life looks like now, but having a few things I do consistently, as a creature of habit, helps ground me. My Friday get-togethers with friends remind me that I’m not actually missing out. I also journal, exercise, and go to therapy regularly.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, clinical psychologist

10. Find happiness where you are.

“I see a lot of my friends getting engaged and married, and I feel pressure to follow suit because I’m now 28. Even though I know that I want to get married to my boyfriend, I don’t feel old enough yet, especially because the pandemic slowed down our plans to move in together. One way I’m mentally dealing with it is recognizing that everyone is at their own phase in life and age is just a number. I don’t have to be where everyone else is at as long as I’m happy with where I’m  at.” —Kendall F., 28

11. Live intentionally. 

“It’s easy to resonate with many of my younger clients who also felt they missed out on some major milestones like graduation. Due to the pandemic, my grad school graduation was remote, and so there was no formal hooding ceremony or group celebration with the people I’d spent five years of training with. I think what’s helped me the most is taking advantage of the time that I have now by doing what’s important to me. Connecting with the people I love, putting out good energy into the world, taking care of myself, and engaging in meaningful work all contribute to that.” —Cynthia Shaw, PsyD, clinical psychologist and certified grief professional

12. Find comfort in solitude.

“I feel like the pandemic made me lose precious time and set me back a few years when it comes to reaching my goals. Though I’m happy I went back to grad school at the beginning of Covid, I don’t own a home, I don’t have the savings I want, and I don’t have a partner—which makes me still feel sad and lonely sometimes. I also feel a little panicked that I’m now almost 43 and am no closer to being in a relationship. Even though I’m staying positive about meeting someone, I’m trying to be comfortable spending time alone. So, when I’m by myself, I do creative hobbies I enjoy, like writing, painting, sewing, and knitting.” —Sonya S., 42

13. Have patience for your path.

“I was in my mid-20s during the pandemic, and I felt like I lost that time of my life where I could meet new friends, find myself and what my interests were, and enjoy being single. Now, my friends are getting married and buying houses, and I feel left behind. It makes me sad that I lost that time and that I’m not where I want to be today. Though I’m still feeling all of this, I try to keep in mind that everyone’s path is different. I may not be in the same place as my peers, but that doesn’t mean those things won’t happen for me.” —Brit K., 29

14. Remember you aren’t the only one who feels this way.

“I try to remind myself that the height of the pandemic really was a crisis state unlike anything we’ve ever experienced, so it’s normal that, during that time, I couldn’t do things I would have normally done. A lot of us, on a global scale, went through the pandemic and  the pandemic skip. I’m not alone.” —Alessa D., 25

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post 14 Ways People Are Navigating the Pandemic Skip appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 04.14.23

Tay and Taylor Lautner Are Great at Talking About Their Feelings

The couple gets candid about fear, stress, and embracing vulnerability. ByCasey Gueren

If you can believe it, there’s something even more charming about husband and wife Taylor Lautner and Taylor (Tay) Lautner than their shared name. It’s the way they open up about their mental health journeys—to each other, friends, and even sometimes complete strangers like me—with ease, vulnerability and a total lack of ego. 

They’re doing a whole lot of that lately on their new podcast, The Squeeze, where the couple gets emotionally deep with guests like Alyson Stoner and Emmanuel Acho. They’re also getting into the mental health space with a blog (LEMONS by Tay) and a nonprofit (The Lemons Foundation). Who doesn’t love a theme?    

The podcast is proving to be deeply healing for two people who have dealt with significant stress from their careers—Tay, as a nurse on the frontlines of the Covid pandemic, and Taylor, as an actor whose early start in entertainment (not to mention Twilight-mania) led to huge successes and equally huge pressure. 

“It has been very cathartic,” says Taylor. “Honestly, we say it all the time, it’s like free therapy.”

Here, Tay and Taylor share the moments that changed the way they think about mental health and how they got so good at talking about their feelings. 

WM: What emoji best describes your mental health right now? 

Tay: I think mine would be the upside down happy face. 

Taylor: Explain. 

Tay: I shall. Because I’m happy and things are great, but we’re just in a very busy season. So everything is good, everything’s going great, but it’s just stressful. So it’s, “I’m happy, but I’m slightly stressed.”

Taylor: That’s a good one. Mine was the salute one. Why am I feeling that? If the salute emoji was smiling, that would be my emoji. Because yeah, I’m happy. I feel good. But there’s a lot going on right now. It’s not a super stressed out salute, it’s a happy salute. We’re all very blessed.

WM: You’re both so open about your mental health journeys, but when did that start for each of you? When was the first time you remember having to think about your own mental health? 

Tay: I definitely think my own would be while I was working in the hospital as a Covid nurse. That was such a heightened time when no one really knew what to do or how to handle it or how to process it. So when I felt myself kind of just dissociating and removing myself altogether from every aspect of life, I realized that—well, actually, I didn’t even notice it. Taylor actually brought it to my attention. 

He was just kind of like, “Hey, are you OK?” And I was like, “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just tired.” I was working the night shift and it was just a lot picking up extra shifts because we were short-staffed. And he was like, “No, but are you actually OK?” And I was just like, “Oh, that’s a good question. I don’t know.” And the conversation just ended there. But that was kind of the first time—I’d say that was January of 2021—that I really, truly had to look at myself and be like, OK, we need to start figuring out what’s going on here.

Taylor: I feel like both of our mental health journeys maybe didn’t start at the same time but were addressed near the same time. I think it kind of took each other to feel comfortable enough talking about it and having somebody to talk about it with. I think whatever I deal with—I’m still very much in the mix of it today—but I think it starts from an early age. Starting in the entertainment industry when I was 8 years old and just growing up with that life and everything that comes with it, and not talking about it, not speaking about anything, and just thinking that all that is normal. I think it took finding Tay, along with amazing friends that we have in our lives, to really start diving deep and having honest conversations about why we do certain things.

WM: What’s made the biggest impact on your mental health? 

Tay: Something that I’ve really learned is that I need alone time and I need quiet time. I definitely think that stems from me being an only child, which I recently just discovered. I think I need to be by myself to process things and just to have time to myself. It was just always me by myself growing up. So I’m used to quiet time. I’m used to just sitting in my room doing things by myself. And I’m so fortunate that we do get to spend so much time together, but it’s important for the healthiness of our relationship and for myself that I do take time to be alone—go work from wherever today, go get coffee by myself, go get out of the house, have some alone time for my brain. 

Taylor: For me, I think the biggest thing is just starting to talk about it. I wasn’t purposefully not talking about it, I just never really was introduced to the idea of talking about it. And I think what helps that a lot is finding people—friends, family, a loved one, whatever—that you feel comfortable enough with to be your true, authentic self and trust. And also those people that will hold you accountable, that aren’t just “yes” people. People that will challenge you and they love you enough and care for you enough to hold you to it and challenge you to be a better version of yourself. I think that is probably the biggest difference-maker in my life.

WM: What part of your mental health still feels like a work in progress? 

Tay: I think all of it. We’ve been talking about this a lot on The Squeeze and just personally between us. With healing, I feel like a lot of things come to the surface. … So I think it’s just honestly not wanting to quit, if that makes sense? I mean, luckily we do have a mental health podcast and a nonprofit and a blog so we can’t really do that, because that is my job. But in all seriousness, it’s definitely hard. You gotta rip the Band-Aid off, but then the healing process is that you have to keep healing and open those doors that are scary and learn how to organize them and make them pretty or deal with that.

You get more comfortable talking about things, but it’s still hard some days to bring stuff up. You get more used to it, for sure.

Taylor: During the hard days, during the tough days, it’s not something you’re excited to talk about. And probably the worst thing you can do is keep just shoving it down and down. So yeah, just staying resilient.

WM: You’ve both dealt with significant stress from your careers. How did you learn to cope with that? 

Tay: Specifically talking about my career as a nurse, I think maybe it would be just accepting and learning. I make humor a very big thing. My therapist, I’ll laugh with him, and he is like, “No, what you went through is a big deal.” Because I always end it with, “But it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s OK.” And he’s like, “No, you need to understand and accept that what you went through was hard.” And I don’t like doing that. I like to just brush things under the rug. And he’s like, “You need to fully address this. Understand and know and believe that what you went through is hard and what you’re feeling is valid.” 

Taylor: Yeah. I don’t even know where to start for me, to be honest. I’ve talked on the podcast about body image and how that’s been something for me to work through. So that’s definitely been one of the bigger things. I think another thing is just living up to expectations. When the bar is set so high, by you or by strangers, you can’t help but feel the pressure to live up to those expectations. And a lot of times, those expectations are nearly impossible to reach. And then when you don’t reach them, you feel like a failure. And I think that is definitely something that I have had to deal with. And it really used to get to me, so much so that I would be like, “I’m done. I want to be done. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth my mental health.”

But the problem is I was putting value in a place that it shouldn’t be. And it’s taken a long time, years, to figure out for myself that that doesn’t deserve those expectations, those opinions. That doesn’t deserve my time and my energy and my value. We find value where we put it, and I had to shift where I was putting my value, and now I’m in a much healthier place. But I think that was a huge thing for me. Starting this at such a young age and accomplishing amazing things at such a young age. It’s like, Well, where do I go now from here? And then if you don’t reach that again, I was feeling like I was failing. But it’s like, I’m not failing. I’ve done amazing things in my life, and there’s so much more I can do. But you gotta put the value in the right place, and that’s definitely been a journey for me.

WM: How did you get over that fear around failing or not knowing what comes next? 

Taylor: I definitely lived in fear. I still do, but not nearly as much as I used to. I was living in a ton of fear of: Am I going to do the wrong thing? Am I going to make the wrong choice? Am I going to offend or upset or disappoint people? So living in fear was definitely a huge thing for me personally, and having to shift the way that I thought. 

Fear can really hold you back from some amazing things, or you can use it to drive you. I’ve had multiple things in my life that I was terrified of doing and my instant gut reaction was to be like, “No, I can’t do that. No, I’m going to fail.” And it just terrified me. And I pushed myself, or somebody helped push me to do it, and it ended up being one of the best experiences in my life. And I was like, “Thank goodness I did that. I can’t imagine if I didn’t.” So yeah, fear is a tricky thing for me because it’s about finding that balance to not let it control you and dictate you, but use it in a good way, because fear can be helpful as well.

WM: Tay, how did the fear and stress that you experienced as a nurse impact how you show up for yourself? 

Tay: The nursing field is very much [like] you just go, you just do. Especially during the time of Covid. It was like, “Oh, I can’t go to the bathroom for seven hours. OK. Oh, I haven’t had a break to eat in nine. OK.” Because there was no time.

People’s lives were on the line, and you just go. You don’t look back. You just do it. And I’ve seen that kind of transition into my life at home—just the constant go, go, go. And I have such a hard time sitting. Even when I’m cleaning, I’m like, Oh, I’ll grab this and I’ll move this there, and I’ll do this with that. When I go downstairs, I can only make one trip. Just critical thinking constantly in my brain. Now being removed from that—and even in the hospital when I was still working but Covid slowed down—really just learning to set boundaries was a very big thing for me.

Because I am a “yes” girl. I will tend to everyone’s needs before mine. I’m a 2 on the Enneagram. I am a helper. That is very much me to my core. And I honestly feel like it has taught me to be selfish, for lack of a better term. Just be selfish with my time. Obviously, I say that lightly. But I don’t need to go pick up an extra shift for the third time this week. It’s my day off. I need to rest for myself. And now, being out of the hospital and just putting that into everyday life, [I’m] learning to just be like, “No, I actually need that rest day.”

WM: As a couple who hosts a mental health podcast together, you make it look easy to talk about tricky topics. Have you always been this open with each other about your feelings? 

Tay: I think we’ve definitely both had to learn it. I feel like we’re very fortunate in the sense that we both started our mental health journey at the same time. We both started learning about ourselves and started to open up to each other—not for the first time, but about, “Hey, I think I’m depressed,” or the actual heavy stuff. Obviously we’re best friends and we tell each other everything, but really getting into the thick of our mental health, we kind of got to do together. 

It’s been a blessing, but it also has been hard to not take it personally or [think], Oh, why can’t I make them happier? Or things like that. And just learning: Hey, this journey that Taylor’s on, me loving him more than anything, it has nothing to do with me. It is him on his journey, me on my journey. So that’s been something that we’ve learned together and just how to be there for the other when we need it. Some days I wake up and I’m like, “I’m having one of those days,” and I don’t get out of bed. And Taylor, I think the first time that happened, he was probably like, “What is wrong with you?”

Taylor: Yeah, she’s definitely talking more about me with everything she just said. I feel like I’ve had a harder time understanding that when you’re having one of those days or you’re going through whatever, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. It doesn’t mean I’m failing as a husband. It doesn’t mean that I’m not doing my job to make her feel better. That’s been the hard part about working together with this—or just being married or having a relationship with somebody. 

It took me a bit to be able to cope with the idea that, OK, if she’s sad, I can’t just snap my fingers and make her feel better. I can do a song and dance for you, but it’s not magic. So sometimes it is just important to be there for them. And if she says, “I don’t feel great today.” It’s like, “OK, that’s fine. I’ll pick up the slack and do whatever I can.” And then when she’s feeling better, we’ll move forward with life. But not taking offense or feeling like a failure for not making you feel better definitely was something that was more challenging for me to grasp.

WM: What mental health advice do you wish you could go back and tell your younger self? 

Tay: I would tell myself to just trust myself and truly to be confident in who I am. Because now sitting here today, I’m confident in who I am and I just love the person that I am. And I think I’m chugging along here doing pretty well. So I think I would just tell myself to keep trusting in myself.

Taylor: I’m not one of those, “when you know, you know,” and love-at-first-sight type of people, but it’s kind of true. I just would go back and tell myself, “Go through all the life experiences.” And if we didn’t each have our previous relationships and everything we’ve learned, then we wouldn’t be who we are today with each other. I think that is really important. But I don’t think you should put stress on yourself for, “Why haven’t I met that person, settled down, X, Y, and Z?”

You will know. And it’s going to feel right because you’re going to feel respected and you’re going to feel loved, and it’s a different kind of love and respect. And if you’re not being treated that way, it’s probably not the right time. Just be patient for that, because nothing’s better than it. And yeah, I would just tell myself: Go through all the life experiences, learn everything. Take that with you, and grow. But don’t put pressure on yourself. You don’t know the timing of when you’re supposed to settle down or find the perfect person, but you’ll know. And it’s a great feeling. 

WM: What mental health misconception do you want to put to bed forever? 

Taylor: Getting rid of the weakness idea. Men’s mental health has been something that [Tay is] passionate about. Having not only Tay, but close male friends in my life that I feel totally open and able to be vulnerable with—there’s nothing more impactful than that. And not having anybody make you feel weak for talking about it or feeling sad or whatever. Honestly, if you can do that, it’s strength.

Tay: Yeah, men’s mental health is very big to me because, growing up, I had a lot of people in my life struggle with mental health, whether it be addiction or bipolar disorder. I lost a friend to suicide. And they were all males. And I found myself, somewhat recently, kind of looking at that and being like, What’s that saying? The proof is in the pudding. That is showing that this men’s mental health thing, this is an actual thing. We need to genuinely start talking about it. And it’s been really cool to see Taylor and our close guy friends be vulnerable with each other. It’s so attractive to me when Taylor is like, “Hey, I’m kind of feeling like this.” When he opens up to me, I’m like, “Oh my gosh, this is great.”

Taylor: Oh, she loves nothing more than a dinner date where we just talk about our feelings the whole time.

WM: Any advice for people who are nervous to open up about their mental health with their partner? 

Tay: Taylor makes it easy for me to open up because I feel so safe and respected. And I know that, in saying something, I’m not going to be judged. So I think that has been something that has made it easier. Finding a partner, finding a friend, finding a therapist, someone that loves you unconditionally and you can go to, who isn’t going to judge you for whatever you’re about to say. 

But also, I can guarantee you, whatever you’re about to say sounds worse in your head than it will to the person you’re saying it to. Just find that person. The first time’s going to be hard or rough, or you’re not going to get your thoughts out. Maybe write them down before you go into that conversation. Or you can write it down and give it to them in a letter form. I’ve definitely done that before because I’ve had to learn to use my words. Talking does not come easy to me. Which is funny because, why do I have a podcast? 

Taylor: I think judgment is a huge thing. I believe love is one of the greatest gifts that you can receive and also one of the greatest, if not the greatest, gift you can give. Love is powerful and it’s hard to love with judgment, because we all have our own stuff. Nobody is perfect. And as soon as you accept that and realize that judgment is a dangerous thing—I mean, you want to talk about something that’s bad for your own mental health? Judging others. Constantly judging others is exhausting and horrible for your own mental health. So as soon as we can put love way up here and judgment way, way down here, it’s going to fix a lot of things. 

If you love somebody, if you truly love somebody, then judgment doesn’t really exist because you love who that person is no matter what. It’s been a beautiful thing to experience with Tay and all of our close friends and family. It’s powerful. 

The post Tay and Taylor Lautner Are Great at Talking About Their Feelings appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 11.23.22

Akintoye Asalu Opens up About Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Making Life Less Complicated

The TikTok star and rapper talked to Wondermind about his latest album, ‘Anxiety & Circumstance.’ ByShannon Barbour

TikTok #FYP mainstay Akintoye Asalu has proven his lyrical chops with viral raps—like the one about having plans when you’re broke that hit way too close to home. In September, the Toronto-based rapper released his latest album, Anxiety & Circumstance, and it’s packed with messages that help amplify and destigmatize the topic of mental health. 

“This album is one of my attempts at shifting the conversation around,” he tells Wondermind. “Hopefully, people can look at me and what I got going on and be like, ‘OK, this is a guy that I think is interesting, and he seems like he’s doing OK for himself and is open about the fact that he deals with this thing.’” Here, Asalu talked through tracks like “Complicated” and “Bad Day Ballad” to share what his mental health journey has been like, from immigrating to Canada to the moment he realized life can be peaceful. 

[This interview originally appeared in a September 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations delivered straight to your inbox.] 

WM: Your new album is filled with messages about mental health. Can you share more about the album and the meaning behind the title?  

Akintoye Asalu: I deal with very, very severe anxiety, and I have for years. Even figuring out that’s what it was was a long process that took years and years—it wasn’t until I was around 20 years old that I even found out. Even once I was told, I wasn’t really understanding. And then figuring out how to accept that this is a part of my life has been a very strenuous process. 

It’s all rooted in anxiety. Some of the themes are broader and applied to just every anxiety and everybody’s life, but most of it is very specific to the life that I’m living. I do feel like this album was very therapeutic for me. The idea was every verse I’m writing, I’m not necessarily writing it for somebody else to listen to. It almost felt like I was writing it for myself. It felt like I was documenting all the sorts of things I’ve come to terms with as far as realizing this is gonna be a part of my life, and processing why certain things feel the way they do, and holding myself accountable in certain aspects, and talking about how it affected my friendships and my family. 

WM: What songs on the album stand out to you as ones that capture those feelings?

AA: Today, the second to last song is really hitting for me. It’s called “Complicated,” and it’s spawned from a conversation I had with a musician friend of mine. He was saying life doesn’t have to be that complicated. We were talking about panic attacks and how to manage them and just [a] general anxiety conversation, ’cause we’ve been through a similar experience. He was saying the way that he sort of made life bearable is by not allowing it to become complicated.

I often have to answer the question: “What’s your story, and how did you get to where you’re at?” I find myself sitting down and telling my story, but I do kind of leave out this part of the struggles that I went through over the course of my life and I kind of focus on the highlights of it. 

I find that’s almost a way that I try to make things not as complicated without knowing that’s what I was doing. Whether or not that’s healthy, that’s a different question [laughs]. But yeah, “Complicated” is hitting for me right now just ’cause I’m starting to see it tangibly in everyday life even without knowing I’ve been trying to make things less complicated for myself. I just need to have better control over how I do that and be more intentional with how I make my life less complicated. 

WM: You also have “Bad Day Ballad,” which talks about going to therapy. Can you share a bit about your therapy journey?

AA: I was originally born in Nigeria. I moved to Canada in ’09. I was right around 9 years old, about to turn 10, and I didn’t really know that we were moving. It was kind of like, “Oh, guess what? We live here now.” And I was like, “OK [laughs].” So I didn’t really have anybody around—there were no older cousins. I’m the oldest sibling. There wasn’t anybody I could go to for guidance on anything. 

When you come from a chaotic place, such as Nigeria, and then you come here and things are just entirely different, navigating that process is very, very anxiety-inducing. And I made some horrible decisions and put myself in some traumatic situations. A whole lot of things went on over the course of my life. 

I tried to keep it pushing ’cause I figured, Oh, it’s life. Life is not gonna be easy. It is what it is. By the time I got to college, I remember sitting in exam rooms—and I didn’t know what they were at the time—but I remember sitting in exam rooms and my vision would start going a little blurry and all of a sudden I can’t breathe and I feel myself getting cold, but I’m also hot and I’m sweating and nauseous. It was at the point where the [supervisor] had to take me outside so I could go to the bathroom and throw up and come back and then they took me outside again so I could breathe and get some air.

I didn’t know what it was. I was just like, Oh, I just get stressed out over exams; everybody gets stressed. I initially tried to go get counseling ’cause my school offered free counseling. Unfortunately, the counselor I got was not very good. They just had a pamphlet, and they were like, “You’ll be alright. Here you go.” So I was like, OK, that’s fine. So I will be alright. I’ll figure it out.

A couple more years went by, and it just got worse and worse and worse. It was to the point where it was the last week of my junior year of school, and I literally did not sleep for about six days straight. Just did not fall asleep. I was having constant panic attacks over the course of the week, and it was exhausting and destroying me. 

So I decided at that point I needed to do something [laughs]. That is the worst it’s ever been. I couldn’t function. I literally couldn’t live. Going outside, I felt like I was overstimulated—everything just felt like it set me off. I felt like I was always just tip-toeing the line, and I was on the brink of just having a meltdown. So I decided I’m gonna go back to counseling again and see what happens this time.

I got lucky. I actually got a great counselor, and he detailed what a panic disorder is and broke it down for me. And he really was a lifesaver ’cause I know without him, life would’ve been increasingly difficult. 

I ended up taking a year off of school because I was like, Alright, I need to figure this out and recover and put myself in situations where I can heal and somewhat feel OK. The year I took off of school, things were actually going great. … Then COVID happened that year. It actually ended up being a good thing for me ’cause it felt like there was a little less stimulus, like the world was a little quieter. I didn’t realize that was a thing [that affected me] until I was able to step away from the hustle and bustle of everything going on in school and at work. Once I was able to step away and just be by myself, I started to realize, Oh my goodness, it is possible to feel peaceful.

Over the course of COVID, I ended up going back for my last year of school, and it was online, and it was smooth. … Once I started to understand myself, it’s almost like a new dimension of existence opened up in my brain. Now I’m able to identify my triggers. If I feel myself starting to spiral, I know how to catch myself. I’m just doing way better overall as far as being able to manage it.

WM: What are some of the coping skills or self-soothing skills that help you when you’re starting to panic or when you’re in the midst of a panic attack?

AA: The most important one for me is breathing. I’m an asthmatic, so chest tightness and uncomfortability breathing is very common for me. It’s difficult to catch your breath when you literally have a hard time breathing. So breathing’s been the most important one for me, making sure I got my inhaler on me, and making sure I’m monitoring how my breathing is—even when I’m not very anxious. 

Another one is I physically lay down and spread myself out on the ground. I find that’s the easiest way for me to ground myself. And also realizing that it’s OK for me to entirely remove myself from [triggering situations] was a game-changer for me. 

I still have days where as soon as I wake up, I’m off the wall, like it’s a horrible day from the beginning. But I’ve learned that, for the most part, I’m able to catch it before it gets too terrible. If the self-soothing stuff doesn’t work the way I want it to work, I’m also starting to get used to forgiving myself, because I’m very hard on myself. After going through a panic attack or an episode of whatever people may be dealing with, it’s easy to beat yourself up about it and feel like you’re broken and unfixable. I’m getting better at being able to look at myself and say, “You know what? That’s OK. That’s going to happen. That’s a part of how this process works, and you’re gonna be fine.”

WM: What helped you make the decision to take a year off school?

AA: I realized that if I force myself to be in this position and do this thing that I’m not ready to do, the reward isn’t going to be proper or feel tangible. If I forced myself to go back and finish that last year of school, maybe I could’ve gotten through it, but I would’ve been in pieces by the end of it. I started telling myself, “What good is it to have this end goal if you don’t reach it in a healthy way?” If I make it to the end of school, yeah I have a degree, but I’m literally incapable of functioning. What’s the point of the degree if I can’t take it and do anything with it? If I can’t even exist in the spaces where I want it to be useful? 

I was tough ’cause having to explain that to family was not easy. My friends weren’t that big of a deal—they understood. I’m lucky I have really good friends. It was a tough process, but I just had to tell myself over and over again to make the decision that’s best for me. There is no rule that says you can’t resume the things you wanted to do once you’re in a better position.

WM: If you could give yourself a pep talk right now, what would you say?

AA: Well, I do have a little bit of anxiety about the album coming out tonight, I’ve been holding on to it for so many months, it feels like I’m sending my child off to like college. But I’d say everything’s gonna be OK. And you work hard, and you’ve been working hard your whole life, especially the last few months and the last couple of years. There’s no universe where the hard work doesn’t turn into something good. You work. You know what you’re doing. You know what you’ve done. You got your people with you. They know what you’re doing. They know what you’ve done. There’s no way this goes bad. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Akintoye Asalu Opens up About Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Making Life Less Complicated appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 10.13.22

How Craig Melvin Prioritizes His Mental Health as a News Anchor

“I've learned how important it is to protect your peace.” ByShannon Barbour

With decades as a news anchor and host under his belt, TODAY show mainstay Craig Melvin knows what it takes to succeed and keep his peace. Hint: It involves being careful with his energy and what his kids call “daddy alone time.” Here, the mental health advocate opens up about being a work in progress and how experiencing loss and grief has shaped him.

[This interview originally appeared in a September 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations.] 

WM: How are you doing lately? 

Craig Melvin: I am doing better than I probably was a year or two ago, like most people. For me, I have the benefit of usually being so busy with two small children and a demanding job that I don’t take as much time to sit alone with my thoughts and feelings as I should. There are obviously some benefits to that, but there are also a lot of cons. But lately, I’ve just been so busy that I haven’t really had to think about how I am.

WM: As a news anchor, I imagine it’s hard to disconnect or process your emotions on your own when you need to. 

CM: For a long time, I didn’t, and that was problematic. I covered a lot of consecutive mass shootings before the pandemic. I probably did eight or nine in the span of a year and a half. I found it was really bothering me, especially after having small children. I learned early on that in our line of work, you have to leave it at the office. You really do, because if you bring it home, it seeps into everything. 

It was either after the Charleston church shooting or—it’s sad that they run together this way—I think it was after Charleston, and because I am from South Carolina, I had a close connection to that story. I was pretty down for a couple of weeks, but I couldn’t figure out why. Then I was talking to my therapist, and we sort of got to the bottom of it. When you cover death, doom, and destruction on a regular basis, it takes a toll on your spirit. It takes a toll on your soul, and you don’t realize it, oftentimes until you’re a couple years into it. 

And oh, by the way, after all of that, there’s a global pandemic. And every day, the news was grimmer and grimmer. … This went on for years, and I didn’t address it. I’m a firm believer in therapy, so I started talking a little bit more to my therapist. Then I wrote a book, which also helped tremendously. 

WM: What else have you learned about your mental health working as a news anchor?

CM: I’ve learned how important it is to protect your peace. For a long time, I would allow people to occupy my emotional space. People who were not necessarily well-intentioned, people who didn’t always bring out the best in me, people who were oftentimes negative people. You know, people who wake up every morning and get out of bed just pissed off or annoyed for no reason. I have found that when I limit my exposure to those kinds of people, I am a happier person. I spend a lot more time now doing small things that make me happy. … Every week, I carve out 30, 45 minutes for either a massage or a stretch or a manicure or pedicure—something where I’m by myself [and] I’m pampering myself. My kids call it “daddy alone time.” But you have to have that. I also find that I do a lot better when I’m journaling. … [And] I meditate every other morning. 

WM: What has your journaling experience been like?

CM: I found that when I started, I would write as if someone was going to read this when I died. So I found myself writing how I wish to be perceived. And I stopped doing that because I discovered that wasn’t helping me. So when my kids or grandkids go back and read some of the stuff I’ve written now, they’re gonna be like, “Oh, dad (or granddad), he was whacked out. I’m amazed that they let him have that TODAY show job as long as they did—he was disturbed.” No, but I’m very honest about how I feel versus how I feel like I’m supposed to feel. 

I interviewed a guy who went on to become a great Olympian, and we’re gonna see him in Paris again. His name’s Caeleb Dressel, the fastest swimmer in the world. He told me this little trick, and I don’t have the guts to do it: He writes down how he feels, tears it up, throws it away, or sometimes burns it. [He] destroys it every day. … It forces him to not think about the past; it forces him to focus on moving forward.

I don’t do it. I need to wallow in my self-loathing and self-pity and sometimes go back and read [it]. Like, “Oh yeah, today sucked, but boy, you look at June 2013—that was a terrible month.” I need that. Do you journal?

WM: No, what if I die and somebody reads it? 

CM: You know what my therapist says about that? And this is what helped me get over the fear: When you die, it won’t matter. You’re dead. 

WM: I’ll be wondering what they’re thinking.

CM: Here’s the other reality: Unless you’re pure evil, typically when you die, people romanticize your life anyway. It won’t matter, the darkness that you’ve written down on paper. Unless you’re confessing to crimes, that could be a little tricky. 

WM: What stands out to you in your mental health journey? 

CM: I think the pandemic for everyone was really hard, and it was really hard on me as well. But my older brother died about a year and a half ago from colorectal cancer. That was a really hard period in terms of my mental health journey. And probably the hardest period was almost a decade ago now, which is hard to believe [it’s been] nine years. My younger brother lost his 3-year-old daughter to a rare form of Ewing sarcoma, which is a soft tissue cancer.

As odd as this may sound, I think that I have had the benefit of loss and grief perhaps more than a lot of folks. [I] have been able to see a lot of things up close. Fortunately, most people don’t have to. I’ve talked to a lot of people who’ve lost loved ones in war or in a mass shooting or to a terrible illness. So I think when you do that a lot, it shapes and molds you in ways that you don’t necessarily fully appreciate until months, years later.

I’ve had people say, “Oh, Craig, you just seem so unflappable sometimes” or “so cool” or “collected.” I think when you have experienced and seen a lot, you start to realize that you can take a lot. 

WM: What aspect of your mental health would you describe as a work in progress right now? 

CM: I still struggle mightily with imposter syndrome. You know, wondering whether I actually belong, wondering if I’m as good as some in the audience might say that I am. I struggle with feeling like I’m inadequate in some ways. I struggle with guilt—I think when you lose people who are close to you, you struggle with that. I struggle with a lot. Some days I’m on top of the world, and then some days I’m like, Ah, maybe I should have gone to law school. Maybe I should have gone into another field. 

But here’s the thing: You start talking to other people, [and] you realize, Wow, everybody’s going through something. 

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

The post How Craig Melvin Prioritizes His Mental Health as a News Anchor appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.15.22

Here’s Why You Might Feel Lonely Even When You’re Not Alone

And how to start overcoming it. ByShannon Barbour

Have you ever felt overwhelmingly alone even when you were physically surrounded by people? Maybe you were standing in a crowded party, in a conference room full of coworkers, or just walking through a city teeming with people and you suddenly felt just so…lonely. Turns out, you’re very much not alone in feeling that way. 

In fact, a recent report out of Harvard found that 36% of American adults feel serious loneliness  “frequently” or “almost all of the time.” (And that number was even higher among young people and mothers with kiddos.) And we all know that the pandemic wreaked havoc on us feeling and physically being close to others. So, yeah, loneliness is a totally normal human emotion, and so is feeling it even when your socializing levels are off the charts. 

Why are we like this?

Even if you’re a self-proclaimed introvert who would rather make small talk at the watercooler than admit to loneliness, it’s still natural to yearn for some human connection. Being social is good for our mental health, but there are so many things that make us feel like we’re living on our own island, disconnected from others. 

Some of the biggest reasons you might feel this way include lacking a solid support system or being in a different chapter of your life than your loved ones. For instance, maybe you have tons of friends but you feel like you don’t have anyone you can really rely on in a crisis. Or maybe your close circle is all coupled up with kids and your life looks nothing like that right now.

You might also have trouble relating to others for loads of reasons, like identity differences (think: political, ideological, demographic, etc.), different interests, or because you feel like you can’t be fully vulnerable or yourself around your crew, says licensed therapist Minaa B., LMSW. Struggling with major life changes (even positive ones like entrepreneurship and traveling a ton) and our overall health can also lead to feeling lonely, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, adds. All of this can rock your world and make you feel like you’re emotionally isolated and withdrawn from others—even if you’re not physically alone. 

How can you feel more connected? 

Listen, we aren’t going to suggest you run out and make friends with the next rando with a billion red flags that you meet. That’s the exact opposite of what you need, actually, Dr. Kirmayer advises. Still, there are a few steps you could take to work on those lonely feels, and it starts with checking in with yourself. 

First, you’ll want to try to acknowledge that you feel lonely without dunking on yourself for feeling that way. Don’t stress about what you’re doing wrong (answer: probably nothing) and why you think you might be the only one who feels this way (answer: you’re not). 

Then, when you sit with those emotions, try to figure out what would fill you up. Do you wish you felt more seen for who you are? Do you want to have more meaningful convos with those already around you? Do you want more friends? 

There’s no right or wrong answer here, so you have to be honest with yourself and figure out where your bar for social connection is. If you’re not meeting your personal needs, then use that lonely feeling as a compass to find out where you need to go from here, Dr. Kirmayer advises. “We really want to be intentional about who we are reaching out to and who we’re spending our time with,” she says, adding that “it really is the quality of our connections and relationships that helps us to meet our need for connection and reduce those feelings of loneliness, as opposed to just being surrounded by people.” 

If you want to focus on strengthening emotional intimacy with the connections you have now, start out by trying to share more about yourself and the parts of you that you might keep tucked away. Sometimes, it might help to prep your friends by letting them know what you need from them so you can feel like you belong. Try saying, “Here’s a part of my life that I really wanna share with you, and it’s been difficult for me to open up about that,” Dr. Kirmayer suggests. You could also say, “I don’t always feel like we’re in the right space to connect over           , and            would really be helpful.” Keep in mind that this lonely feeling isn’t always because our friends are oblivious, and it can be empowering to take some responsibility or straight-up ask for what you need more of in your friendships.  

Now, if your current circle is just not hitting and you really do need some new friends, prioritize finding people with similar interests or backgrounds. I know, I know. How,  right? Well, that means being assertive and finding new ways to be social, Minaa B. says. Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zones in order to not feel as lonely.

But, let’s be real, starting a convo with someone in public can be scary as hell, so remember there are lots of apps and online communities that you can get plugged into. For starters, there’s Meetup, TikTok and Instagram groups of like-minded people in your city, and Bumble BFF (beware of the MLM peeps). Dr. Kirmayer suggests checking out Hey! VINA, Peanut for new moms, and KINND. And even though Facebook feels like it’s on its last legs, there are a ton of groups that you can connect with over there too. Just remember that not every convo will end with finding your new bestie. Sometimes to feel less lonely, you just need to boost meaningful casual moments of connection, Dr. Kirmayer adds. 

The bottom line: Feeling lonely even when you’re not alone is more common than you might think, but if you’re looking to make more connections to keep loneliness at bay, there are so many ways to link up with people who get you. With time, a little determination, and maybe even some therapeutic guidance, it’s possible to work your way out of this rut. 

Additional reporting by Rowana Abensetts-Dobson

The post Here’s Why You Might Feel Lonely Even When You’re Not Alone appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 09.14.22

Troian Bellisario Knows She Deserves More

“If I'm not the example, then my daughters won't learn to give that to themselves…now there's something on the line.” ByShannon Barbour

Not long after the Supreme Court pushed abortion rights back into the 20th century, Doula star and activist Troian Bellisario checked in with Wondermind to share how she’s really feeling amid “this shit show of a time.” Here, the Pretty Little Liars OG got real about the mental impacts of trying to make a difference, being kind to yourself, and what her kids have taught her about mental fitness. 

[This interview originally appeared in a July 2022 edition of the Wondermind Newsletter. Sign up here to never miss these candid conversations.] 

WM: How are you doing lately?

Troian Bellisario: I am doing pretty well under the circumstances. There’s so much going on. My husband and I are just getting over COVID, and my youngest kid currently has it. So we’re still in lockdown, and that’s really difficult. We’ve been doing a really amazing job of taking care of each other and of taking care of the kids, but I think as any parent remembers during the height of lockdown, it’s really tough. And it’s really tough on your mental health.

To be honest, politically, this is a shit show of a time. It’s terrifying, and that has a really big effect on my mental health because it just feels like we’re at the bottom of a mountain that we have to climb up—and I’m not even a woman that is in any imminent danger. Just thinking about the countless American people whose lives are now in danger in a totally new way—and we are only at the beginning of this fight—is overwhelming. I’ll say that.

WM: How do you stay hopeful, motivated, and channel your frustrations into action?

TB: It’s a constant ebbing and flowing. I constantly find myself in an apathetic depression. I feel like I can’t affect enough change. I feel like when I desperately care about something and I try to fight for it out in the world or, you know, support people, I constantly feel like my efforts are falling short. I think the only way to actually deal with that is to accept those moments of frustration and then to take a breath and remind myself that I am actually incredibly privileged.

That’s total privilege. And so what that actually does is it reconnects my mind to go, Wow, if I’m in a position where I can actually like take a break for 20 minutes or an hour to not think about it, that means that I should just be redoubling my efforts to continue and join. Because it means that I’m in a position of power and privilege to be able to affect change. It’s like a balance between gratitude and constantly trying to reality check myself about where I am and who I am in the world.

WM: When you take those 20 minutes or an hour to let yourself feel those feelings and give yourself a break, what helps you reset?

TB: Honestly, baking. And since I have young kids, crafting. Don’t overlook coloring! Don’t sleep on coloring, everybody. It’s a cheap, great hobby. Meditation is a really big one for me, and that goes back to not trying to push away the feelings of frustration or depression or anger or whatever’s coming up for you, but really just accepting them and taking a few minutes to sit with them and be like, Oh, wow, that’s where I am, because you can’t wish feelings away. You have to actually integrate them and understand that you’re feeling them in order to ever hope to feel something else.

WM: What’s something surprising your kids have taught you about mental health?

TB: They’re teaching me a lot about boundaries and a lot about limits. I’ve always operated as if the limit does not exist [laughs], and I will just push myself and push myself and push myself until I have nothing left to give and my body collapses or [I] get sick. With kids, you can’t do that. I’ve come up against my bottom and realized that I can’t push myself because it’s not safe for them. I can’t only devote myself to serving and caring for them because if the bottom drops out on me, that’s an unsafe environment for them.

WM: What advice for setting boundaries do you try to practice?

TB: Baby steps. I’m always doing baby steps…I’m terrible at setting boundaries. I am a 36-year-old woman that is very much still at the intro level course of setting boundaries, and I need to constantly be working on it. When I fall back and I’m like, Oh man, I did not set that boundary with that person, and I’m letting them walk all over me, I’m giving myself the grace of being like, Hey, but you’re noticing. That’s a step, you know? Maybe next time we can actually hold to the boundary that you intend instead of just silently resenting that they don’t intuit my boundaries and then respect them.

WM: What’s something you’ve been meditating on lately?

TB: I’m always searching for how to be more in the present moment. One of the things that is so interesting to me is my absolute ease with [extending] kindness and grace to the people that I love in my life—but not in any way, shape, or form reciprocating that for me. Like, how I will think of somebody else or what I will do for somebody else, and then when it comes to, Would you do that for Troian? And I’m just like, Oh no, no, no, no way. Like, You don’t deserve that. And so really trying to figure out how to change that, how to give myself things that I so readily give to other people, or allowances I give to other people. If I’m not the example, then my daughters won’t learn to give that to themselves…now there’s something on the line. So I need to figure that out. That’s constantly what I’m working with in terms of mental health is just like, how do I be kinder to myself? Why isn’t this working? [Laughs] Why can’t I learn this lesson?

This interview has been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post Troian Bellisario Knows She Deserves More appeared first on Wondermind.