Explainer Link Copied 02.13.25

4 Communication Styles That Will Sum Up All of Your Conversations

Plus, what your go-to style says about you. ByCarolyn Todd

If you’ve spent much time around your fellow humans, then you already know we all have very different ways of communicating. Maybe your partner yells when they get upset, while you prefer to wield the silent treatment. You may have even noticed that our communication styles can pivot from one interaction to the next. Maybe you’re usually direct to a fault, except when you’re talking to your parents. 

Lucky for us, there are experts who can help us make sense of all this. Communication pros have identified four primary communication styles that help explain pretty much all of your interactions with other people. Understanding these four styles and what they mean might help you see your conversations in a completely new light. 

Here’s what experts want you to know about the four main communication styles: what they are, what they sound like, when and why we use them, where your go-to style comes from, and whether you can learn to change it.  

What are the four main communication styles? 

The styles are based on “the four different basic ways that people communicate with each other,” says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. It’s not entirely clear where the framework comes from, says Madeleine Holland, PhD, associate professor of communication at The University of Texas at Austin Moody College of Communication. And while it hasn’t been studied much by communication scholars, “that doesn’t mean it’s not useful,” Dr. Holland says. The model is simple, makes intuitive sense to most people, and, most importantly, can be pretty illuminating. 

“Having a framework or words to put around abstract interactions is very helpful for people in understanding and sense-making about that interaction,” Dr. Holland says. It’s kind of like putting on a pair of glasses that help you see not just what the other person is saying but how they’re saying it. So you can look at a tense conversation you just had with a roommate and be able to say, “Hm, that felt passive-aggressive,” Dr. Holland explains. Not to mention, understanding the four styles unlocks self-awareness—the first step in being better at communicating, Roberts says.

Most people dabble in all four communication styles at some point, but you’ll probably notice that one feels the most familiar to you and your connections. “You tend to spend most of your time communicating in one of these categories more than the others,” says Roberts. But you’re not locked into one. “We can move between them,” Roberts explains. 

OK, so let’s get into the four styles. 

1. Passive 

Passive communication is like “taking the backseat in a conversation,” Roberts says. It can sound like being submissive, quiet, appeasing, indirect, fawning, and not stating our feelings and needs. We might constantly defer to the other person (“I’m totally good with whatever you want to do!”) or minimize our feelings (“It’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it.”), or apologize a lot.

When we’re using passive communication, we might be silently “waiting and hoping for others to read our minds,” says Ali Miller, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist and couples communication coach. For example, if your partner left their dirty dishes in the sink (again), a person who favors a passive communication style might privately be upset and wish their partner would change their behavior, but not say anything at all. 

Some people who favor passive communication may be just more easygoing by nature, Roberts says, and they’ll switch to a different style when they need to. But leaning heavily on this style can also indicate that we believe our needs and feelings don’t matter, Miller says. Or that avoiding potential conflict is more important. It’s also common to use a passive communication style in dynamics where you think you have less power, Miller says—like, say, when communicating with your boss. 

2. Aggressive

The other end of the spectrum is aggressive communication. This can range anywhere from dismissive to overly defensive or even bossy, says Miller. Or it can sound like being loud, demanding, hostile, or downright mean, Roberts says. You might make critical or judgemental comments (“What’s wrong with you?” or “That’s stupid”), raise your voice, or place blame, Miller adds.

If a person with an aggressive style noticed their partner left their dirty dishes in the sink, they might say something like, “You’re so lazy and inconsiderate. Put the dishes in the dishwasher!” Miller says.

Some people simply have more of an aggressive communication style, Miller says. “They might think they’re just expressing themselves. I’m passionate, I’m intense,” Roberts says. But aggressive communication can also stem from an underlying belief that only my needs and feelings matter, Miller says. Or, again, they lack the tools to communicate their needs properly—so they resort to force. 

You’re more likely to use an aggressive communication style when you feel like you have the upper hand. But you can also resort to aggression when you’re in distress and have important needs (like safety or being understood) that aren’t getting met for a long time, Miller says. “A lot of us tend to get louder when we’re not being heard.” So someone who defaults to passive communication—and has a lot of unexpressed needs bottled up—can actually end up exploding into aggressive communication. 

3. Passive-aggressive 

As the name suggests, this style is a mix of the previous two. As with passive communication, this one is characterized by avoiding directly stating your feelings or needs. But there’s a tinge (or more than a tinge) of aggression thrown in, Roberts says. It can sound like terseness, sarcasm, subtle jabs, snarkiness, saying perfectly kind words but in a bitter tone, or giving someone the silent treatment. You might roll your eyes, give a snippy, “Mhm,” or say, “Yup, that’s totally fine” in a tone that says it’s totally not. 

In our dirty dishes scenario, a passive-aggressive communicator might roll their eyes and make a sarcastic jab, Miller says, like, “Guess I’ll do the dishes…again.” Or they might not bring it up with their partner—but then, at a party that night, complain about how messy they are to a friend while the partner is in earshot. 

Unsurprisingly, these mixed signals can “often lead to the other person feeling confused,” Miller says. “Like, Wait, are you mad at me?” Or you might sense some tension, but not be able to put your finger on why. 

A passive-aggressive style often stems from “confusion about when your own needs even matter” or “feeling like you can’t express them directly,” Miller says. (Maybe because you’re afraid, or you just don’t know how.) You’re also more likely to use this style when you feel you have less power than the other party, Miller says. For instance, maybe someone who’s normally more aggressive leans more passive-aggressive in disagreements with their boss. 

4. Assertive 

Assertive communication is when we’re being direct, respectful, clear, calm, collaborative, and curious, Roberts says. We don’t resort to avoidance, intimidation, or mixed signals because we can express ourselves effectively. Assertive communication sounds like directly stating our needs and feelings—while also making space and expressing consideration for the other person’s needs and feelings, Miller says. 

You might say something like this, Miller says: “This is what I see happening. This is what I feel in relation to that. This is what I want or need. Would you be willing to do this?” And despite this being a healthy way of expressing your needs, when someone isn’t as familiar with assertive communication, they might actually mistake the person for being aggressive or “too direct,” Roberts says. 

An assertive person who saw their partner’s sinkful of dishes might say something like, “The dishes piling up in the sink makes me feel overwhelmed, and I’d love some support in keeping the home tidy so I can feel more relaxed and not resentful. Could you please put your dishes in the dishwasher at the end of the night, or can we switch off who does the dishes each day?”  

Miller says the belief at the core of assertive communication is that your needs and feelings truly matter—and so do other people’s. You believe that your desire for a clean sink matters, and you assume that your partner is also getting a need met by leaving their dishes out (like being able to just collapse on the couch after a long day). 

So we’re more inclined to be assertive when we trust that the other party values our needs and will meet them, Miller says. It’s also easier to access when we feel like we’re on equal footing with someone, Roberts says—a healthy friendship, a mutually respectful colleagueship—as well as when we’re feeling emotionally regulated. 

A few caveats about communication styles

These four communication styles aren’t always so cut and dry. Here are a few nuances experts want you to keep in mind about where the styles come from, why we jump around, and how we can learn a new style. 

A lot of factors influence your go-to style. 

So, why might we gravitate towards a particular style? You can blame that on conditioning, Miller says. How you grew up has a massive impact. “We model what we learn in our families,” Roberts says. If your parents or older siblings favored one style, that’s more likely to become your default (and seem pretty normal to you). Or maybe you grew up in a household where you learned your needs don’t matter, Miller says, so you learned to resort to passive communication. 

How we’re socialized also matters—like the communication norms of the country and culture you’re raised in. “There are certain cultures that are generally more passive and others that are more direct and assertive,” Roberts says. Gender dynamics factor in too. Girls, women, and feminine-presenting folks “have been historically socialized to be more passive,” Roberts says. Meanwhile, assertive communication can be especially tough for women, who “often struggle with expressing our needs directly [and] making clear, direct requests,” Miller says. Race can also play a role, especially if racism and racial biases have impacted the way you feel comfortable communicating. “Perceptions, biases, and expectations can influence whether [you’re] seen as confident or aggressive,” Roberts says. For instance, a woman or BIPOC person may be more likely to be accused of being aggressive when they’re being assertive.

You switch between the styles based on several factors.

It’s normal to shift gears depending on the person and scenario. If the other person has a volatile temper or is dominant in the relationship, for example, you’re more likely to tip-toe around them with passive communication. Then there’s the social norms of the environment you’re in, Roberts says—school, the office, the doctor’s office, church. Maybe you’re typically more passive-aggressive, but switch to passive when you’re talking to your teacher or manager because that’s more how you’re expected to behave. 

Your emotional state matters too. “If you’re under stress, if you’re fearful or angry, it can shift how you communicate,” Roberts explains. Maybe you’re pretty good at assertive communication when you’re feeling calm and curious—but flip into aggressive mode when you’re upset. The style you tend to lean on when you’re in distress often corresponds with your typical stress response (or “fight-or-flight” response). For example, “If your default is to go into fight mode, you’re probably more likely to have aggressive communication,” Miller says. “If your default is to go into freeze mode, you’re likely to be more passive.” 

Most of us need to practice assertive communication.  

The most effective communication style is assertive. But it doesn’t come naturally, and it’s not often modeled for us. “I don’t know anyone who is a master of assertive communication without actually working on it,” Miller says. Otherwise, we’re probably going to default to one of the others. “When we don’t know how to be assertive, or we can’t tap into our sense of empowerment or mattering, that’s when we tend to be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive,” Miller explains. 

Luckily, assertive communication is a skill you can get better at with practice. Miller says a good place to start is the Nonviolent Communication model, which is a simple four-step framework. You could also work with a therapist or coach specializing in interpersonal communication. 

None of the communication styles are bad. 

Sure, a lot of us might be aspiring to get better at assertive communication. But “none of these styles are bad or wrong,” Miller points out. “They’re all attempts to meet needs.” For example, being passive may fulfill the need for a sense of safety in a tense or dangerous situation. Being aggressive can be an attempt to be heard or appear strong. So don’t judge yourself. “We’re always doing our best,” Miller says. “Have self-compassion.” 

The post 4 Communication Styles That Will Sum Up All of Your Conversations appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 01.30.25

Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

You’re fully aware sleep is good for you. And yet! BySam Brodsky

You know the feeling. It’s been a long day, and you’re exhausted. But instead of sleeping, you scroll. You organize your Pinterest boards. You shop online for light bulbs. You hit up your Netflix list. You’ve fully entered the revenge bedtime procrastination zone.

You’re sure that you’ll regret staying up, but some part of you says, Fuck it, and you keep going. Next thing you know, you’ve watched two episodes since you first thought, Wait, I should go to bed. I’m exhausted. You need sleep, you want sleep, and yet you’re scrolling through stupid cat videos until 1 a.m. 

It makes no logical sense why we’re like this, but here we are! If you can relate, we asked sleep experts and psychologists to explain why revenge bedtime procrastination happens and how to quit sabotaging your sleep.

What is revenge bedtime procrastination?

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t a legit sleep disorder, but it’s a very relatable phenomenon that went viral in 2020 after journalist Daphne K. Lee translated it from a Chinese expression describing the same concept, according to the BBC.

“It’s a way of pushing back against a busy schedule or lack of control over your time,” sleep psychologist Shelby Harris, PsyD, DBSM, explains.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, revenge bedtime procrastination happens when you don’t make time for rest, relaxation, or fun during the day (hence the “revenge”), says behavioral sleep medicine specialist and licensed psychologist Sarah Silverman, PsyD. Then, without a chance to recoup all day, craving downtime outweighs getting to bed when you’re sleepy. 

Psychologically speaking, it’s much easier to prioritize what feels good in the moment (TV) than what might happen the next day (being tired), explains Brad Wolgast, PhD, CBSM, DBSM, a licensed psychologist who’s board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine. 

Revenge bedtime procrastination can also strike when you’re trying to avoid thinking about what horrors may persist tomorrow, notes Dr. Silverman. Sabotaging your slumber to do something fun can “slow down time and avoid the inevitable,” she explains. 

How can I tell if I have revenge bedtime procrastination?

The biggest indicator that you’re a revenge bedtime procrastinator is that you recognize you’re very tired, but you’re still engaging in extracurricular activities, says Dr. Silverman. If this keeps happening on days when you’ve been swamped at work or doing things for other people, that’s another red flag. 

To be clear though, revenge bedtime procrastination is different from being a night owl. If you’re a person who normally feels more alert and productive later in the day, staying up late to scroll is just a normal Tuesday. You can thank your circadian rhythm (aka your internal body clock) for that, Dr. Silverman explains.

Revenge bedtime procrastination isn’t the same as insomnia either. Insomnia is a sleep disorder that makes it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep at least three nights per week for three months or longer, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). That’s very different than keeping yourself awake to soak in “me time” a la revenge bedtime procrastination, explains Dr. Silverman. 

How can I quit revenge bedtime procrastination?

The key to overcoming this nonsensical habit is to get out of your own damn way. It sounds easier said than done, but with a little motivation and a few hacks, you can totally conquer this struggle.

Your brain is craving some OOO time for a reason, so the answer isn’t to deny yourself TV, social media, video games, or whatever you want to do. Instead, find ways to integrate more fun downtime into your day. That can make the need less urgent at night, notes Dr. Harris.

Read in between meetings, call your friend before your next errand, or watch a show while you eat dinner. In a perfect world, you could also replace non-pressing things on your to-do list with personal time, notes Dr. Silverman. “When you create space for self-care during your day, you’re less likely to create space for revenge procrastination before bed.”

If you have to save your Netflix, Instagram, or FaceTime sessions for the evening hours, that’s OK (and understandable). In that case, using an alarm can help you remember your bedtime schedule, says Dr. Silverman. She recommends setting one for 30 minutes or an hour before you want to be asleep. That’s your cue to start winding down. If you’re prone to hitting snooze, set backup alarms for 15-minute intervals to really annoy yourself into prioritizing sleep.  

Having a bedtime routine or ritual that feels like a treat can also help, says Dr. Silverman. You know, something you’ll actually want to stop scrolling for. Maybe you change into the world’s most comfy PJs, drink tea, put on a podcast while you brush your teeth, or diffuse essential oils.

Of course, some of us can push off even the most relaxing bedtime routine for more TV time. That’s why planning something to look forward to in the morning, like a workout class or coffee run with a friend, can help, Dr. Silverman says. That can make you more excited to get to bed. 

Gamifying your bedtime routine can work too. If you get to bed on time five days in a row, reward yourself with something nice, suggests Dr. Silverman. “It’s not just about repeating a routine. It’s about making your routine feel rewarding so that sleep becomes something your mind and body crave rather than resist,” she adds.   

If none of this seems to topple the revenge goblin living in your head, you likely need to find your personal brand of motivation for prioritizing sleep, says Dr. Wolgast. Overcoming bedtime procrastination doesn’t happen just because you know it’s bad for you. It happens when you find the motivation to overcome it and maintain that motivation because you know it’s the best thing for you, he explains. 

Maybe waking up to go for a walk in the morning is easier when you go to bed at 9 p.m. Or perhaps feeling more alert during the workday helps you accomplish tasks faster, which means you have a better chance of doing something fun before dinner. Then, when Netflix starts another episode, you remember your why, turn off the TV, and go brush your teeth with less mental pushback. 

When all else fails, you can always see a sleep specialist if you feel like revenge bedtime procrastination is taking over your (night) life and impacting how you function on the day-to-day, notes Dr. Silverman. These experts can better assess what’s causing your revenge bedtime procrastination and pinpoint other sleep issues.

The post Let’s Talk About Revenge Bedtime Procrastination appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.31.24

How to Know If You’re Actually Getting Enough Sleep

How much can your sleep tracker really tell you? ByCarolyn Todd

By now, we all know that sleep is pretty damn important. (The endless stream of sleep tracking products has made that abundantly clear!) Getting enough shut-eye is crucial for your mental and physical health—as well as just, you know, feeling like a human. And big shifts in your sleeping patterns can even be a tip-off that you’re dealing with depression or anxiety (among other things). 

But—quick question—how do you actually know if you’re getting enough sleep? Is the magic number really eight hours? Should you use a sleep tracker? (How accurate are those things anyway?) Should we all be getting sleep studies just in case?

We checked in with some sleep experts to answer all these questions and more.  

How much sleep do you really need? 

We hate to tell you that your whole life has been a lie but…that blanket eight-hours recommendation isn’t necessarily right for all of us. 

“Everybody needs a different amount of sleep, and a person needs different amounts of sleep at different times in their life,” says Jade Wu, PhD, a board-certified behavioral sleep medicine psychologist. 

How much rest you need largely depends on your genetics and age, Dr. Wu says. For example, your bestie might biologically need only seven hours of sleep to be well-rested, while your body genuinely requires nine. (Research shows there are even people who feel just peachy on four to six hours, thanks to certain genetic mutations.) 

Also worth noting: “we require less and less sleep as we age,” says Alicia Roth, PhD, a clinical health psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic who is board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine. In general, experts recommend teens ages 14-17 get eight to ten hours, adults 18-64 get at least seven hours, and adults over 65 get seven to eight hours, according to the National Sleep Foundation (NSF). (Again, these are just general recommendations.) 

How to know if you’re getting enough sleep 

OK, so how do you know if you’re getting what your body needs? It’s actually pretty straightforward. “The easiest and really the only way to tell whether you’re getting enough sleep is by how you feel during the day,” says Dr. Wu. “Are you feeling sleepy?” 

Before you roll your eyes and tell us that you’ve been tired since 2019, hear us out. Sleepy isn’t the same as regular tired, experts say. “Tired is like, you’re dragging, you don’t have energy, you don’t feel up to it,” Dr. Wu explains. “You might feel exhausted and lethargic. But if you actually try to lay down and sleep, you can’t. Because you’re not actually sleepy.” 

Being sleepy means that you could legitimately doze off right now if given the opportunity. “Or maybe if someone put on a boring enough movie, you could,” Dr. Wu says. “That means you’re not getting enough sleep.” And if you are actually taking naps and still struggling to keep your eyes open? You’re definitely underslept, says Shelby Harris, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in New York who specializes in behavioral sleep medicine. 

Obviously, it’s common to feel both tired and sleepy if you’re not snoozing enough. But tiredness on its own can be caused by things like stress, boredom or dehydration, Dr. Wu says—whereas sleepiness only comes from not getting enough sleep or enough good quality sleep (more on that later).

A few quick caveats here: If you feel like you could go back to bed right after waking up, don’t sweat it. “Often people judge how well they slept last night by how they feel first thing in the morning. But that first half hour is not supposed to feel good,” Dr. Wu says. Unpleasant as it is, it’s normal to feel groggy and a little out of it for the first 30 minutes or so of your day, Dr. Wu says. It’s OK if you get a bout of drowsiness in the afternoon too, she adds—that’s just the rhythm of your body’s inner clock.

Also: If you’re only able to keep your eyes open with an ungodly amount of cold brew, you could still be underslept. Guzzling a lot of caffeine “might mask your natural sleepiness,” Dr. Wu explains. “So unmedicated alertness is what we’re looking for.”

Other signs you might be underslept include a crabby mood, difficulty concentrating, and shaky short-term memory, Dr. Roth says. But something like moodiness “can be due to a million things,” Dr. Harris points out, like stress or depression. (And it’s pretty common for poor sleep and mental health issues to overlap, Dr. Roth notes.) That’s why sleepiness is the main red flag. 

Can sleep tracking products tell you if you’re sleeping enough? 

“Yes, but with a grain of salt,” Dr. Wu says. For instance, if you just want to know how much sleep you’re getting, “a wearable can probably tell you that,” Dr. Wu says. While some tracking devices are more accurate than others, Dr. Harris says that most have gotten pretty good at telling you the total amount of time your body is asleep. (At least for the average, healthy, young or middle-aged person. Dr. Wu says we don’t have much data on how accurate these devices are in everyone, like people with sleep disorders or older people.)

How do these wearables work, exactly? “None of them are actually directly measuring sleep,” Dr. Wu says. (That would require an EEG to measure your brain waves.) Instead, they’re guesstimating using cues from your body that indicate whether you’re likely asleep or awake—like your body position, movements, heart rate, and heart rate variability. 

Pros caution that the only number you want to really trust is your total sleep time, though. They’re more skeptical when it comes to sleep stages and sleep quality grades (like your sleep score or body battery). These numbers are “kind of arbitrary” and haven’t been vetted by sleep scientists, Dr. Wu says. “I wouldn’t say they’re completely useless for sleep staging, but they’re not very reliable across the board,” Dr. Harris adds.

So a wearable can certainly satisfy your curiosity about sleep quantity. And if you’re working on clocking more hours at night and want to hold yourself accountable to that goal, a tracker can help, Dr. Wu says. 

But what a tracker definitely can’t tell you is whether the amount of sleep you’re getting is enough for you, Dr. Wu says. For example, if your tracker tells you you’re only averaging six hours, but you feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed during the day, you’re probably not sleep-deprived. Or if it says you’re clocking a solid eight hours but you feel sleepy all day, you might be somebody who needs nine hours to function well, or you might even be dealing with an undiagnosed sleep condition. So while these wearables can help validate how you feel during the day and give you something to discuss with a provider, they shouldn’t be the only metric you take into consideration. 

How do you know if you’re getting good quality sleep? 

Let’s say you (and maybe your sleep tracker) are pretty sure you’re getting eight or more hours of sleep a night, but you’re consistently sleepy as hell throughout the day. It’s possible that you’re not getting good quality sleep. The surest sign is if you’re sleeping a lot, but still feeling sleepy all day, Dr. Harris says. 

A few more signs of bad quality sleep include snoring, frequent nightmares, kicking or thrashing a lot, waking up often, grinding your teeth, or getting up to use the bathroom a lot. These are all hints that you might be dealing with a sleep disorder, Dr. Harris says. 

A sleep tracking device could potentially offer some clues, too. While, again, sleep scores or grades might not be totally trustworthy, other data points can indicate less-than-awesome sleep quality. For instance, “It can show that you’re moving around a lot or waking up frequently,” says Dr. Roth. Certain sleep tracking products can also show a drop in oxygen levels or an elevated heart rate, Dr. Harris adds. (All potential symptoms of a sleep disorder.) 

What to do if you’re not getting enough sleep 

If you’re worried you’re slacking in the sleep department, it’s normal to look around for possible solutions. And there are tons out there right now—from natural sleep aids and supplements to various sleep products that promise to turn your bedroom into a bedtime haven. And, of course, sleep studies are an option. 

But before you jump into all that, the experts suggest starting with some free and simple strategies. Like, oh, trying to actually get more sleep (maybe an hour) for a couple weeks and watch what happens. “Even start with 30 minutes more for a few days and see if that helps,” Dr. Harris says. 

To make this happen, you might need to polish up on your sleep hygiene, Dr. Harris says. You know the drill: Stick to a sleep schedule, limit alcohol and caffeine, get some movement during the day, avoid bright screens before bed, have a winddown routine, and keep your room dark, cool, and quiet, per the NSF. (Also, if you’re staying up to push back against a busy schedule, here are some tips for stopping that revenge bedtime procrastination.)

You can also keep a sleep diary for a couple of weeks (using a free app or template) where you record things like your bedtime, wake time, difficulty drifting off, caffeine or alcohol use, exercise, and sleep disturbances. You’re looking for “variables that influence a good night versus a poor night” and “patterns that you may be able to correct on your own,” Dr. Roth says. 

If this helps you get more sleep and curbs the urge to faceplant on your desk during the day: cool, problem solved. You were, in fact, needing more sleep. “But if that’s not helping enough, then you want to see a doctor,” Dr. Harris says. What kind of doctor—and whether you might require a sleep study—depends on your problem.

If you simply can’t sleep more because you’re wide awake in bed for hours, then insomnia is probably to blame. All a sleep study would show is that you’re laying there awake, Dr. Harris points out. (Pretty unhelpful.) Instead, you’ll want to see a sleep psychologist or psychiatrist. They’ll probably treat you with CBT for insomnia, Dr. Harris says—a highly effective short-term therapy that includes behavioral changes and relaxation techniques. (If that’s not enough, medications may also help, she adds.) 

How to know if it’s time for a sleep study 

As comfy as the idea of sleeping hooked up to a bunch of wires in a cold, strange lab might sound, there’s really only one reason you’d need a sleep study: If your doctor suspects that a sleep condition is stopping you from getting enough good-quality sleep. 

So, if you’re getting what seems like enough sleep but you’re still battling daytime sleepiness, or if you’re experiencing any of those signs of poor sleep quality we mentioned (snoring, frequent nightmares, or waking up a lot), a sleep study is a good idea.  

You can start with your primary care provider or go straight to a sleep specialist (depending on your insurance situation). A PCP can screen you for potential sleep disorders, including the most likely culprit, per Dr. Wu: Sleep apnea. (It affects about 26% of people between the ages of 30 and 70, according to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.)

When you have sleep apnea, your breathing stops and starts, waking you up many times (usually without you remembering), and preventing you from reaching those deep, restorative stages of sleep, according to the Mayo Clinic. “You can sleep nine, ten hours but still feel very sleepy during the day,” Dr. Wu says. 

If your doctor suspects sleep apnea or another type of sleep disorder (like narcolepsy or parasomnias), they’ll send you to a sleep specialist who can order a sleep study and figure out what’s going on.

What do these mystical sleep studies entail? There are two types: At-home and in-lab. Doctors will usually opt for an at-home sleep test if you show signs of sleep apnea, Dr. Wu says. You get to sleep in your own bed and wear some nifty equipment to sleep for two or three nights, which measures things like how often you stop breathing, Dr. Wu explains.

The second kind of sleep study is called an in-lab polysomnogram. This is the whole shebang, or “the gold standard sleep study,” as Dr. Wu puts it, and it can be used to detect sleep apnea and the other sleep disorders we mentioned above. You’ll sleep overnight in a lab wearing a bunch of sensors, while somebody monitors things like your brain waves, eye movements, body movements, and heart rate, according to the Mayo Clinic. 

While this test only captures one night, it provides the full picture of what’s happening whenever you sleep, Dr. Wu says. A sleep study will tell your doctor if you’ve got a condition that’s been wreaking havoc on your sleep. And, of course, how to treat what’s going on—so you can start snoozing smoothly at night, and rejoin the land of the living during the day.

The post How to Know If You’re Actually Getting Enough Sleep appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.31.24

“Back to Bed Syndrome” Is the Reason Why You Want to Give Up Halfway Through the Day

Can we get a do-over? ByAshley Laderer

It’s one of those days. The lid gave way on your $7 latte and now you’re wearing it. You completely dropped the ball on something at work. You have zero energy and even less motivation to answer the 37 unread emails piling up in your inbox. Oh, and your credit card bill is due today! 

All you want to do is go back to bed. Give up. Try again tomorrow. 

Sound familiar? Welcome to what we’ve not-so-lovingly coined: Back to Bed Syndrome.

What is Back to Bed Syndrome? 

OK, so it’s not exactly a clinical term, but it’s a phrase we came up with to refer to that inescapable urge to call it a day and book it back to your bed when something/everything seems to be going wrong.

According to the experts, there are a few explanations for this relatable reaction. “It’s kind of like a nervous system overactivation. When we’re so overwhelmed or distressed, we down-regulate activity. We start to get numb or dissociate,” says licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. “This feels like a way to cope when we’re disappointed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.” 

You can also think of it as a combination of both the “flight” and “freeze” responses. “There’s this desire to leave the current situation that’s too overwhelming––that kind of ‘flee’ response,” says Dr. Wang. “Then, you want to avoid, deny, or dissociate. That’s the ‘freeze’ quality, where you think, This is too overwhelming and I can’t continue to focus on the stimuli that are overwhelming me.” 

There’s also some escapism at play here, says Dr. Wang. You don’t want to deal with the stress at hand—you just want to escape, even if just back to your own (super cozy, warm, inviting) bed. 

Why are we like this?

Often this reaction is the result of a cognitive distortion, also known as an unhelpful pattern of thinking. “I would say it is largely ‘all-or-nothing’ or ‘black-and-white’ thinking,” says licensed clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD. 

An example of this is when you make a mistake and think, WELP, I’m a failure! Can’t do anything right! I give up! instead of a more rational response, like, Everybody messes up—including me. Let’s think about how to fix it. Or maybe your day just feels like a series of losses and you assume that literally nothing will go right the rest of the day. This can certainly give you the urge to go back to bed and have a do-over tomorrow, says Dr. Stern.

So sometimes you can blame Back to Bed Syndrome on your brain. But other times it may be more of a gradual buildup of both psychological and physiological stressors, says Dr. Wang. It’s worth asking yourself what factors might be contributing at the moment. Have you been sick? Not getting enough sleep? Are you about to get your period? What’s your water-to-coffee ratio like today? “All of these things can slowly begin to amp up the body so that it just can’t tolerate any kind of distressing stimuli,” Dr. Wang explains.

Plus, people with certain mental health conditions might find this especially relatable. “Individuals with depression tend to have lower levels of motivation and energy, so it can be harder for them to fight through this process,” Dr. Stern says. “People with ADHD may also have lower levels of motivation, especially for tasks they do not want to do––which may make them more likely to deviate from their plan.” 

For example, if you get a less-than-perfect performance review at work in the midst of a depressive episode, it’s probably more likely to send you into a rabbit hole of cognitive distortions, negative thought patterns, and big emotions, as opposed to someone who isn’t currently struggling with their mental health, says Dr. Wang.

How to know if it’s a problem

Feeling like you want to pack it in and hide under the covers every once in a while is completely normal, says Dr. Stern. So is giving in to that urge occasionally. After all, we can’t be expected to be productive all the time. But if you find that your bed escapes are impacting your work (like if you can’t keep up with the tasks you need to complete), relationships (you have trouble communicating with the important people in your life), or life in general (you can’t fulfill your obligations), that’s a sign it’s becoming a problem, says Dr. Stern.

Or if you’re noticing Back to Bed Syndrome striking a lot more than usual, that’s another red flag, Dr. Wang says. At this point, it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself why this is happening again and again. Maybe you’re super burned out and spread too thin at your job. Maybe you have unresolved trauma that’s holding you back from functioning optimally at work or otherwise. 

If you have a history of mental health issues or a diagnosed mental health condition, this would be a good time to check in with your therapist or psychiatrist to let them know that you’re regularly retreating from life more than you used to. They might have suggestions for tweaking your treatment plan to help you navigate daily setbacks more easily. 

And if you haven’t sought mental health help before, this might be the push you need to talk to someone, says Dr. Stern. It might not seem like a big deal to say eff it to your day every once in a while, but if that urge is getting in the way of your life, that’s a pretty big sign you could use some support.

How to keep going when you can’t just go back to bed

As much as we’d love to go back to bed whenever we want, this isn’t usually a possibility, thanks to various responsibilities (and capitalism). Here are some tips to try to turn your day around—or at least make it suck a little less—until you finally can go back to bed.

1. Simplify your schedule.

If possible, Dr. Wang suggests trying to cut down on your schedule for the rest of the day. Are there any commitments you can get out of or push to another day? Any meetings that can just be an email? A deadline extension you can ask for? Dinner plans you can cancel? Taking something off your plate can help you feel like you aren’t on the hook for so much, allowing your nervous system to calm down a bit, she adds.

2. Delegate.

Remember: You don’t have to do everything by yourself all the time. You’re allowed to ask for help. And there’s probably at least one person in your orbit who can help you with at least one of the tasks you’re dreading today. 

“If you’re having trouble doing the things you need to, see if there is a way you can ask someone trusted for help,” Dr. Stern says. “Call up a friend or colleague to talk out an idea or delegate a piece that feels like too much.” 

3. Don’t stress about the details.  

You know the saying: Done is better than perfect. If you’re already spread too thin and stressed out, holding yourself to perfectionist standards won’t do you any good. “Progress over perfection is always the goal. Something is better than nothing,” says Dr. Wang. “Take the tiniest achievable step, even if it isn’t the ultimate goal, because it is practice for more steps tomorrow.”

Remember that you’re human, not a robot, and nobody’s perfect. Give yourself a break, especially on days when you’re really feeling the urge to quit and go back to bed. 

4. Take the scariest thing and break it up into smaller chunks.  

When you break a big project or task into little steps, it can feel a lot more do-able. “If you’re having a difficult time keeping up with tasks that you need to complete, write a concrete, gentle plan for how you will effectively complete it,” Dr. Stern says. 

This also helps counter the all-or-nothing thinking that’s telling you to just avoid this task entirely because there’s no way you can finish it today. Sure, that may be true, but could you check off one or two small steps today as a favor to Future You? 

5. Try a low-lift grounding exercise.

If you feel like you’re about to crash out but you can’t really just quit your job and haul ass back to bed, try to at least excuse yourself for a moment (head to the bathroom or take a walk around the block) so you can focus on grounding. 

Grounding exercises are designed to bring us out of our heads and into the here and now, Dr. Wang says. “Sensory experiences allow the mind to temporarily release from the rumination of the mind that can exacerbate our stress,” she adds.

And they don’t need to take a lot of time and effort. For example, Dr. Wang says you can try drinking an ice-cold carbonated drink and really noticing all the sensations that come along with it, or splashing your face with cold water. If you’re WFH, you could even take a quick cold shower for a DIY cold plunge effect. Another great option: the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you look for 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear, 3 you can feel, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. 

6. Be a body in motion.

“Physical activity can be helpful because, when the nervous system is amped up, it’s looking for somewhere for that energy to go,” Dr. Wang says. “For people with anxiety or depression, movement is often helpful for them to be able to discharge some angst.” 

And no, we don’t mean booking it back to bed. Countering your urge to faceplant into the nearest soft surface with a little bit of movement is a great example of practicing “opposite action,” which is a go-to Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill. Basically, you do the opposite of what you want to do just to get a little momentum going. Sometimes, that’s enough to trick your mind and body into going on about your day.  

So try getting some movement in where you can, whether that’s walking around while you vent to someone on the phone, laying on the floor and doing some stretches, or forcing yourself to take a little dance break. 

7. Treat yourself.

Listen, if you have to negotiate with yourself to keep being an adult today, so be it. Dr. Stern suggests pinpointing some rewards you can give yourself to make your day more enjoyable. Maybe you treat yourself to 10 minutes of TikTok scrolling once you finish a task, you make a lunch or dinner plan with your work bestie so that the whole day isn’t a bust, or you promise yourself an hour of mind-numbing TV the second you get home. Pick whatever motivates you the most to get through the day. You’ve earned it.

The post “Back to Bed Syndrome” Is the Reason Why You Want to Give Up Halfway Through the Day appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.12.24

Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal

It’s like trying to fight off a fire-breathing dragon with a pair of tweezers. ByLauren Del Turco

If you feel like you’ve been on the verge of losing your shit for, I don’t know, the last month or so, welcome to the club. Our impossibly short fuse can’t handle one more panic-inducing headline or racist comment from Grandpa Joe. According to the youth (and social media), we’re all seconds away from “crashing out.” 

For the uninitiated, crashing out—at least this version of the phrase—means losing your shit in a big, impulsive, or reckless way. It’s flipping a table when someone tells you to pay attention (IYKYK). It’s sporadically quitting your job without a backup plan because you just can’t anymore. It’s throwing a drink in someone’s face after they insult you. 

The trend is likely a reflection of how some people (or all people?) are grappling with feelings of overwhelm, burnout, and exhaustion right now, says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “The fact that it is a viral trend speaks volumes about the collective state of mental wellbeing,” says Estrin. Yikes.

If the state of the world, your on-again-off-again relationship, holiday family drama, or end-of-year expectations have pushed you over the edge, you might relate to that crashing-out feeling. Here’s more about what that means and, most importantly, how to deal.

What does crashing out really mean? 

The experience isn’t a new one. “Essentially, crashing out is when you get so overwhelmed that you stop thinking about consequences and just react,” explains Alo Johnston, LMFT. Before TikTok made this thing a thing, you’d probably refer to that feeling as “losing it” or “snapping.” It’s the same deal, just a new name.

Simply put, when you’re so overwhelmed or triggered that you do something impulsive or irrational, you’re crashing out, says Estrin. However a crash plays out, it generally starts like this: An event, situation, thought, or something else brings up intense emotions. You feel completely out of control, then you lash out or act out in response. 

Basically half the internet claims to be crashing out right now, and they’re probably not wrong. That’s because crashing-out behavior can take a lot of forms. Sometimes it’s self-destructive but relatively tame, like staying up all night to watch a show. But it could also be more serious, like quitting your job on the fly or throwing a punch. All of these count!

JSYK, the term is also used in the bipolar community to describe the transition from a high-energy manic episode to a depressive period, says Estrin. That said, most people in your feed likely aren’t using it that way, Estrin adds.

Why do we crash out?

Crashing out is more than just getting mad or upset, it’s a full-on system overload in which, “a single event or trigger, or the build-up of multiple events or triggers, overwhelms your capacity to cope, self-soothe, and process your emotions,” explains Johnston.

But what causes a crash-out depends on the person experiencing it. “Often, unresolved inner wounds—like trauma—or unmet emotional needs are exposed by specific situations,” explains Estrin. “Beneath the surface, it’s a mix of external triggers and inner vulnerabilities coming to a head.”

The thing that sets you off might be a mystery until it happens, but when it does, it can shed some light on the parts of you that need some TLC, says Estrin. If you find that certain situations provoke a big reaction, you can use that info to investigate what might be behind this emotional response, she says. It’s possible you might find something like a fear of abandonment, rejection, or inferiority that needs to be processed a bit more, Estrin explains.

If you can’t Nancy Drew your way to a clear pattern, crashing out in itself is a solid sign that you’re feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, Johnston notes. When you’re hanging on by a thread and a double espresso, “anything that causes an emotional reaction could be the thing that pushes you over the edge,” he says. In other words, it’s a warning worth taking seriously.

What to do if you’re currently (or on the verge of) crashing out

Based on the number of people sharing their breakdowns on the interwebs, you’re in good company. Here’s what to do the next time you’re seeing red.

1. Get out of your brain and into your body.

Ration and logic won’t do much for you if you’re slipping into a crash-out, says Johnston. The volume of your emotions is turned up too high to think your way out of the panic, rage, hopelessness, or whatever feeling has you on edge.

Your best bet here is to ground into your body, the experts agree. That could look like a few minutes of deep breathing (inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for six) or focusing on something you can see, hear, touch, or smell until you feel more present. Holding an ice cube or taking a cold shower is effective too, Johnston says. Whatever route you take, getting back into the present moment “offers an intense enough sensory experience (without being dangerous) to disrupt the crash-out and allow you to eventually get back to other kinds of problem-solving,” he explains.

2. Punch a pillow (yeah, really).

If you’re shifting into Hulk mode, take it out on a pillow. “This can help you let go of pent-up physical energy and process your emotions in a way that will not harm you or someone else,” Estrin says. Feel a little weird about doing that? Don’t! Although many of us were taught that anger and frustration are bad, there is no shame in them. Fully feeling and expressing those aggressive emotions is totally fine with the right outlet, she explains.

3. Take a walk.

Throwing on your sneakers and busting out the door can keep you from completely spiraling, Estrin says. For example, an analysis of previous research found that consistently exercising for at least four weeks reduced peoples’ blood pressure response to stressful situations. Plus, going for a walk when you’re fully on the brim of freaking out gives you a chance to take a beat before doing something you’ll regret, adds Estrin. 

4. Talk it out or write down what you’re feeling.

Naming your emotions can be a powerful first step in releasing their white-knuckle grip on you, says Estrin. When you’re feeling unhinged, jot it down in a journal, vent to a friend, or just mentally note that you’re spiraling. 

If you’re not even sure what you’re feeling, take a peek at a feelings wheel, adds Estrin. This is a visual tool that looks like a giant circle divided up into slices (check out this one from Gloria Willcox, PhD). Therapists sometimes use these to help their clients ID what’s going on for them. At the center, you’ll find the overarching categories of emotions, the ones you’re probably most familiar with. As you move outward, the feels get more specific. So, start at the center and work your way out until you’ve found the ones that are most relevant to you. 

5. Get cozy.

Crashing out might leave you feeling pretty powerless, but helping your body feel safe by soothing your system can help with that, says Johnston. What feels most chill will vary from person to person, so ask yourself what your body needs. It could be a long hug or cuddle from someone you love or crawling under a pile of blankets to watch Love Actually for the thousandth time. Warming up something comforting like soup or cocoa works too! 

6. Set some boundaries.

OK, save this one for the post-crash-out period. Once you’ve emerged from your cave, audit the factors that contributed to you losing it. Then, use those observations to create some boundaries that will keep you from getting pulled under again, Johnston suggests. That might look like setting strict limits on how much news you read, letting your brother know you absolutely will not discuss politics with him, or scheduling time to make sure you’re eating/sleeping/moving enough. 

7. Call in reinforcements.

If crashing out is just another Tuesday for you, consider it a not-so-subtle nudge to check in with a mental health professional, the experts say. “Doing so can help you uncover underlying issues such as trauma, stress, or unmet needs,” Estrin explains. From there, you can work together to build out your menu of go-to coping skills and see yourself out of the crash-out trend.

The post Everyone Is Crashing Out—Here’s What That Means and How to Deal appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 12.05.24

What Is Radical Acceptance and Can It Change Your Life?

It’s not magic, but it’s close. ByEmily Laurence

If you’re into mental health memes and love a therapy influencer, you might have heard this little hack floating around the ether. It’s called radical acceptance, and it’s a thing many mental health pros swear is key to living a chiller life. 

And, in a time when things may not be going your way—personally, politically, existentially—who wouldn’t be willing to try anything to get some relief from the chaos? That’s exactly what proponents of radical acceptance offer. Allegedly this skill can help you deal with everything from family drama and grief to existential dread and any other big scary thing happening in your life. 

But is this shit for real? Honestly, maybe. Here, we spoke to mental health pros about what radical acceptance is, what it isn’t, and how to do it. 

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is a big part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a therapeutic modality created in the 1990s by psychologist Marsha Linehan, PhD, to treat borderline personality disorder, according to the American Psychological Association. Today, DBT is widely used to help people manage a bunch of different mental health struggles.

The premise of DBT is accepting stuff we don’t like and changing our response based on that reality. The acceptance part is rooted in Zen Buddhism and encourages people to use mindfulness to get present with what is—however uncomfortable that might be. That practice is basically radical acceptance’s whole deal.

Technically speaking though, radical acceptance is about acknowledging your reality as it is (rather than trying to avoid or change it), honoring your feelings about what’s going on, and figuring out how to move forward from there. In her book, DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Dr. Linehan describes it as the complete acceptance of what is, and goes on to explain one of the key takeaways: “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.” 

It may sound like a simple concept, but it’s not always easy in practice. That’s because, when something shitty happens or keeps happening, your first instinct might be to try to control the situation somehow (e.g. planning the perfect holiday gathering for your dysfunctional family who fights no matter the tablescape). Or you might deny that it’s happening, persuade yourself that you can change it, or ignore it completely. 

All of these attempts at avoiding the reality of the situation are coping mechanisms, says Minaa B., LMSW, a licensed therapist, social worker, and author of Owning Our Struggles.  If you convince yourself it’s not happening or that you can change it with enough hard work, you don’t have to endure painful feelings caused by this reality, she says. I mean, it’s a lot easier to obsess over place settings and holiday decor than to accept that family time isn’t what you’d like it to be. Whether you call it denial or delulu, it’s a way to feel less terrible. 

Radical acceptance, on the other hand, would look like coming to terms with the fact that your family is a chaotic mess, that you feel really sad and frustrated when you’re with them, and that no amount of holiday cheer will change that. Then, knowing that your historically sucky family will likely behave the same this year, you can make choices that protect your peace. You could preemptively schedule therapy sessions right before and after your holiday break, suggest activities that get you all out of the house (movies are a great way to kill time without talking), or shorten your trip (or cancel it altogether). Choose your own sanity-saving adventure! 

What isn’t radical acceptance?

To the untrained eye, radical acceptance can sound like condoning bad behavior, pretending everything is fine (see: toxic positivity), or being apathetic. The difference between all of these and radical acceptance is that the latter includes feeling your feelings and taking action based on those feelings. 

Take toxic positivity for example. Unlike radical acceptance, toxic positivity means keeping up a positive attitude no matter the situation or what you’re truly feeling. It’s holding onto a no-bad-vibes mentality, even when you want to cry. 

With radical acceptance, you first accept what’s happening and the tough emotions (fear, anger, anxiety) that come with it, says Gordon Gooding, LCSW, ACSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Gooding Wellness Group. With a clearer picture of what’s going on and how you feel about it, you’re better equipped to take action. You’re making moves based on reality—not what you hope will happen, Gooding adds.

Likewise, radically accepting a situation doesn’t mean you no longer care about it. It’s kind of the opposite. You’re facing the issue and your feelings about it head-on because you do care. Then, with those facts and feels in mind, you can decide the best way to move forward. 

Maybe that means disengaging from the situation (see: stalking your ex’s Instagram), but it could also look like taking action (especially if the things stressing you out are massive issues, like climate anxiety or political drama). 

How does radical acceptance work?

It sounds like a magic trick, but it’s not. The idea is: The more we deny or avoid the truth of what we’re going through and our feelings about it, the harder it is to move forward and find some peace, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. When we try to work around what’s really going on or try to change it, it usually just triggers more anxiety and uncomfortable feelings, she adds. In Dr. Polyné’s experience, that can even manifest as physical symptoms like stomach pains or fatigue.

It makes sense. When you keep trying to ignore something that sucks or trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, you’re bound to feel extra terrible when you’re eventually confronted with the reality of the situation. In short, resisting the truth just makes us feel worse. Instead, when you acknowledge and react to what’s actually happening without judgement, you can make choices that align with what’s really going on, says Dr. Polyné.

Of course, depending on the situation, the radical acceptance wizardry might not happen all in one go, according to the experts we spoke with. Most of the time, you’ll have to sit in your feelings for a while before you achieve acceptance and make changes accordingly. That’s totally normal.

How to do radical acceptance

First, it’s important to know that radical acceptance is a skill, which means it’s something you have to practice over time, says therapist Sage Grazer, LCSW. That’s especially true if you’ve become a pro at avoiding uncomfy feelings or sugarcoating bad situations, she adds.

Step one is facing the issue. “Instead of putting energy into ignoring, denying, or wishing it were different, you can redirect it toward acceptance and making choices that align with the present,” Grazer says.

There are a few ways you can do that. Journaling is a solid option, says Minaa B. She suggests journaling about whatever circumstances are hard for you to experience. Maybe it’s a conflict at work, a relationship with someone in your family, or a fight you keep having with your partner. Ask yourself: What’s so hard about this situation and why is it so hard for me to make peace with it? Then, write about what fears this problem brings up (what are you afraid of happening?) and why you’re having such a hard time accepting it. Journaling out your answers and seeing what comes up is a great way to confront your thoughts and feelings instead of avoiding them, Minaa B. adds. 

You can tackle the same questions with a trusted friend or a therapist if you’ve got one. “Healthy venting can help you embrace what’s going on and validate that your feelings are justified,” Minaa B. says. 

While acknowledging how you’re feeling is an important part of radical acceptance, you also have to move on to the “OK, now what?” phase, says Gooding. That’s step two. 

To start troubleshooting, even if you haven’t totally gotten to a place of complete acceptance, imagine yourself after you’ve made peace with the situation. What would your life look like if you knew this thing would never change? What would you do differently than you are now? This goes back to Dr. Linehan’s message that life can still be worth living even in the presence of painful events.

For example, say you know that your family’s political talk are going to come up at the white elephant swap this holiday season. How can you prepare or plan ahead for that experience knowing it happens every four years or so? Do you come prepared with a list of ways to change the subject? Do you find an ally in the family to commiserate with afterward? Do you skip the party altogether? Radical acceptance can help you feel less triggered when those hard-to-endure moments happen and more equipped to take them on. A double whammy.

All of the therapists emphasize that this isn’t a one-and-done type of thing. Especially if a situation is particularly devastating. Chances are you’ll have to keep accepting what happened/is happening, reevaluate your feelings, and adjust your coping skills and response as needed. 

If it feels uncomfortable at first, that’s OK, Dr. Polyné says. But you’ll know you’re making progress when you start to notice small shifts in how you feel about the situation and how you respond to it. 

Having trouble moving forward? That might be a sign that you’d benefit from the help of a trained mental health professional. They can give you tools to cope and help you get to the bottom of whatever’s blocking you from acceptance. 

Remember, radical acceptance doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy about a situation. It’s about facing it, acknowledging how you feel about it, and figuring out how to move forward. It’s not easy, but the reward is better than denial. It’s peace.

The post What Is Radical Acceptance and Can It Change Your Life? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 11.26.24

How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style

You’re not doomed, but here’s what to do about it. ByAshley Laderer

If you haven’t spent a significant amount of time talking or thinking about attachment styles lately, then you probably have a much healthier screen time report than we do. Thanks to social media, everybody and their mom has heard about attachment theory and the ways it can show up in our interactions with others. One of the biggest sources of drama, according to the internet, is an insecure attachment style. 

Whether you just surfaced from an #attachmentstyles rabbit hole on TikTok or never heard of her, here we explain what an insecure attachment style is, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do next. Here we go! 

What is an insecure attachment style?

The short answer: It’s anything that isn’t a secure attachment style. But to understand what that means, we need to rewind a bit and cover attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on years later by psychologist Mary D. Ainsworth, PhD, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). The theory suggests that humans need to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers (and with people in general) to survive. It also surmises that there are different types of relationships between infants and caregivers (some healthier than others), and those relationships can go on to affect that child’s emotional growth as they get older, per the APA.

Dr. Ainsworth reported that the more sensitive and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, the more likely that child is to have a secure attachment—aka the best kind of attachment. And that idea has been backed up by lots of research since.

Babies develop a secure attachment when their caregivers consistently meet their physical and emotional needs during their first year, says therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, who treats clients with insecure attachment. When parents don’t respond to a child’s cries or provide a safe and stable environment, it can lead to an insecure attachment, Groskopf says. “Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains.

The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents’ attention, she explains. Other times, you might avoid displaying emotion because your parents have consistently let you down when you’ve shown distress in the past, she adds. 

Over the years, psychologists found that attachment theory also applied to romantic relationships. And while the attachment styles we have in our adult relationships might be the same ones we developed with our caregivers early on in life, that’s not always the case for everyone. Plus, an insecure attachment style in dating isn’t always caused by caretakers—you can also develop an insecure attachment from unhealthy relationships, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Finally, It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t necessarily static. “Although people who are secure in one relationship—such as relationships with parents—tend to be secure in other relationships too—such as relationships with partners—there is nothing deterministic about this pattern,” says R. Chris Fraley, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “Indeed, many people have different kinds of attachments with different people in their lives. It is quite common for people to have a secure relationship with a parent but an insecure relationship with their current partner.”

Types of insecure attachment styles 

According to Dr. Ainsworth’s research and the attachment studies that followed, insecure attachment styles fall into one of three categories: avoidant attachment, resistant/ambivalent attachment (now often referred to as anxious attachment), and disorganized attachment.

Here’s the difference between these three types of insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment: “People with an anxious attachment style crave and desire intimacy, but they’re fixated on whether the other person likes them back,” says Mouhtis. If you have this style, you probably struggle with a fear of abandonment too. 

Anxious attachment is typically the result of a caretaker who’s inconsistent, Mouhtis says. Maybe they were loving and attentive some of the time, but they could also be MIA, moody, or angry. As a result, you can become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, work to anticipate their needs, and abandon your own. 

Avoidant attachment: It’s not that people with an avoidant attachment don’t want intimacy, it’s just super uncomfy for them, Mouhtis says. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely ~avoid~ emotional intimacy, distance yourself, and keep your relationships surface level to prevent getting hurt.

This attachment style is often a result of caregivers rejecting or dismissing a child’s needs, teaching them that emotion leads to rejection, Groskopf says. So, to protect themselves, the child might suppress their emotions and keep feelings out of their relationships moving forward, she adds.

Disorganized attachment: This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment tropes. You go back and forth between craving intimacy (see: being “needy”) and pushing intimacy away in an unpredictable pattern, says Mouhtis. Sometimes you’re distant, sometimes you’re clingy. 

This kind of attachment is often thought to be linked to childhood trauma. “Typically with disorganized attachment, there was a parent who was both a comfort to the child and a threat,” Mouhtis says. That can create a lot of confusion for a kid and how they see their role in relationships. 

How can I tell if I have an insecure attachment style?

While it’s easy to take these at face value, attachment styles are incredibly nuanced. You likely have a global attachment style that dictates how you’ll generally respond in relationships, but there may be variations in how you act from relationship to relationship, says Dr. Claudia Brumbaugh, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “This variation is based on how the partner treats you. A very secure person is unlikely to become super-avoidant with one person in their life, but they may be more avoidant with one person than they normally are because that person tends to be emotionally cold toward them.”

That said, here are some indicators that you’ve got an insecure attachment situation going on, according to Groskopf. 

Signs of anxious attachment:

• You constantly seek reassurance
• You frequently ask your partner if they still love you 
• You worry excessively that your partner will leave you
• You panic when people don’t respond quickly to texts
• You’re a people pleaser
• You often sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships 

Signs of avoidant attachment: 

• You often keep your feelings to yourself
• You avoid emotional conversations
• You pull away when relationships get too close
• You think keeping an emotional distance is the safest
• You don’t like to rely on others
• You feel more secure being independent 

Signs of disorganized attachment:

• You push people away when they get close, but feel distress when they’re distanced
• You struggle with trust
• You’re torn between wanting emotional closeness and fearing it
• Your reactions in relationships feel inconsistent 
• There’s a lot of instability in your relationships
• You sabotage your relationships 

How can I fix an insecure attachment style? 

The most important thing to remember about an insecure attachment style is that it isn’t a life sentence. It’s definitely possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Here’s how. 

Identify your biggest struggles.

It’s hard to say what kind of insecure attachment style you have without working with a therapist. That said, assessing how you show up in relationships can help you notice unhelpful patterns, Groskopf says. For example, do you constantly seek reassurance from a partner and fear abandonment? Do you avoid vulnerability and keep your partner at arm’s length? This awareness is the first step to making changes.

Because these patterns aren’t your fault, you also need to prioritize self-compassion through this process, says Groskopf. Instead of judging yourself for your attachment style, recognize that these patterns once helped you survive and connect, Groskopf says. “You don’t need to blame yourself.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Building a secure attachment style takes major changes, and it’s not easy. As with anything new, approaching your relationships differently can feel weird or uncomfortable at first. And yet, pushing through can help you grow and develop new relationship and communication skills. 

For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, try to stay present and sit with the feelings that come up when a partner expresses affection. “In the moment, you can remind yourself that receiving a partner’s love doesn’t mean losing yourself or your independence,” Mouhtis says. With practice, you’ll learn to associate intimacy with pleasure and joy rather than loss, she adds.

On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work toward feeling more comfortable with being alone and learn to reassure yourself instead of depending on others,  Mouhtis explains. Over time, you can feel less dependent on reassurance from others and trust that people aren’t always going to leave you. 

Find a professional. 

Working with a pro is your best bet for developing a secure attachment style that sticks. “Therapy, especially with an attachment-focused therapist, can help you learn why you adopted these coping strategies and how to form healthier connections as an adult,” says Groskopf.

Mouhtis says that she often uses internal family systems (IFS) therapy with clients who have attachment issues. This kind of psychotherapy encourages people to see themselves as made up of various parts with different roles in order to heal childhood wounds (like insecure attachment). No matter what type of therapy your mental health pro uses, know that these changes take time. But stick with it! Secure attachment, here we come! 

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