Stories Link Copied 03.14.25

33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary)

Fight the urge to add, "No worries if not!!!" ByShannon Barbour Additional reporting byAshley Oerman

Whether you’re struggling with a work problem or something more personal, figuring out how to ask for help can be daunting. That’s especially true if you’re embarrassed about needing an assist in the first place.

Blame it on ~society~ or the way you were raised, but it’s common to feel like you have to go it alone through the hard stuff. 

For example, you might have been taught that accomplishments are only worthy of celebration if you do it yourself. If others contributed to your efforts, the achievement doesn’t count. With that mindset, who would even consider sending an SOS in the thick of a work project, finals week, or just cleaning out the garage?

On top of that, the idea of seeking support can be tainted by embarrassment, shame, and a fear of rejection. Maybe you reached out to someone for help in the past and were met with crickets or a snarky comment. That can definitely make you think twice before doing it again. 

Honestly, the number of reasons you might hesitate to get help are endless—everyone has their own brand of phone-a-friend phobia. But we’re happy to report that there are just as many strategies to ask for it.

Below, you’ll find a bunch of copy/paste-able ways to send up a verbal smoke signal when you need it (you’ll even learn how to ask for help without asking for help). Get ready to feel a lot better. 

When you’re in your feels 

Here’s a gentle newsflash: People will generally just not respond if they don’t have the time and energy to talk, so don’t be afraid about bothering someone when you’re emotionally underwater. When it’s time to open up, be as direct as possible about your feelings and what might help and consider acknowledging how tough this is for you without being overly, “No worries if not!!!” 

Even if you don’t totally know what you’re feeling at the moment, you’re allowed to just ask a friend to go on a boba run and then try to sift through your stuff together (also that would be *chef’s kiss* if you get the sense your feelings are mainly loneliness).

Whatever route you choose, here are some ways to start the convo. 

1. I don’t mean to burden you, but I’ve been struggling with something, and I think talking to you would really help. Could I share the situation with you?
2. I’m really, really overwhelmed about [insert what’s bugging you here]. Could you let me know what you think?
3. This is hard for me to talk about, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to. But… can we try? 
4. Honestly, I’m not doing OK, but it would really help to talk to you about what’s going on, if you have time. 
5. I’m feeling a little off lately. Would you be down to watch the game later or go to the movies with me?
6. I’m not sure I need advice or anything, but can I word vomit about this issue I’m having? 
7. To be honest, I’m having a hard time right now. 
8. Hey, I need some help.

When you want to ask for help…without asking for help

Listen, being direct and using your words is highly recommended when seeking guidance from others. Communicating clearly helps your people understand the problem, what you need, and how they can help. 

If you’re out here looking to get a hand without coming off too strong, there are ways to ease into the chat.

However, once you’ve got their attention, the key is to be straightforward about the issue and the part they can play. It’s not enough to put yourself out there and hope they read your mind, unfortunately. With those caveats out of the way, here are a few questions to break the ice.

1. It’s been a while since we’ve had a life update! When are you free?
2. Quick question: How much bed rotting is too much bed rotting? 
3. Is Mercury retrograde making your month as unhinged as mine? 
4. I’m in desperate need of some comfort TV. Any recs? 
5. Have I ever told you how good you are at giving advice? 
6. Do you like your therapist? Are they taking new clients? 
7. I haven’t showered in four days. Is that bad? 
8. Is the existential dread coming for you too?

When the stakes aren’t super high

Reaching out isn’t always a make-or-break scenario. So it’s OK to be a little more casual about asks like needing friendship advice or help transporting the amazing, definitely not bed-bug-ridden dresser you spotted on the curb. When the situation is more chill, here are some convo-starters to borrow. 

1. Can I be mean for a sec? I need to vent. 
2. Are you emotionally available for a deep chat, by chance? I need some advice but don’t wanna overwhelm you. Let me know if there’s a good time!
3. Not to be dramatic, but this is an 🆘
4. I need help with _____, and I don’t really know how to deal. Can you brainstorm with me? 
5. Hi! Can I tell you about my awful day?
6. Mind helping me with this thing that’s been bugging me when you get a chance? 
7. I need an assist. Like, right now. 
8. Wait, I need your take on this. 
9. Can you help me with something real quick? 
10. Pls. Send. Help. (Or Uber Eats, but call me.)

When you have to be professional about it 

If your problems are work-related, you’ll probably want to maintain some composure while expressing what’s up to your colleagues. Bursting into tears, while often effective at getting immediate help, isn’t always the way you want to get your point across. Here’s how to touch base/run it up the flagpole/close the loop or whatever corporate jargon your boss speaks. 

1. I’m not quite sure how to manage these new tasks on top of my existing workload. Could you help me prioritize?
2. You’re so good at _____. Can I run something by you for a gut check? 
3. I’ve been working on _____, and I’m feeling a little stuck. Do you have time for a 10-minute chat to answer a few Qs that could help me finish this up? 
4. I’ve been trying to improve on _____, and I really value your input. Would you be open to chatting about this in our next 1:1? 
5. Can I borrow your brain for a few minutes? 
6. Hi, squeaky wheel here. Can we revisit _____? 
7. When _____ doesn’t get done, it impacts _____. Could you help me take care of these tasks more often? 

Also, if you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to or if you’re in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

The post 33 Ways to Ask for Help That Actually Work (and Aren’t Scary) appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.13.24

How to Be There for Young Trans People

They need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever.  ByAlo Johnston, LMFT

Being a transgender person in the world today is hard, and being a young transgender person is even harder. Recently, it seems like any discussion of gender identity has been extremely politicized, with many lawmakers and school districts appearing dedicated to making it even harder for trans youth to thrive. 

Unfortunately, we know that more than half of trans and nonbinary youth seriously considered suicide in the past year, according to a 2022 survey from The Trevor Project. But that same survey confirmed that having a gender-affirming home or school reduced the risk of suicidal ideation among this group. Clearly, trans youth need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever. 

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and transgender man, I have worked with many families to help them figure out how to support their trans child. So, whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or the cool aunt (who may or may not actually be related), here are some tips for supporting trans and nonbinary youth. 

1. Don’t worry if it’s a phase—support them anyway!

In my therapy practice I’ve talked to many parents who have worried that their adolescent child just thinks they’re trans. They wonder if this is a passing phase like their interest in Minecraft or that year where they were obsessed with wearing vampire teeth. 

But gender is different and something we understand about ourselves in a different way. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children start to be conscious of gender around the age of 2, and usually by the age of 4 they have a stable sense of their gender identity. While not everyone will follow that exact timetable, this means that trans kids might be coming to terms with their gender identity while everyone around them says they’re wrong, confused, or just playing pretend. 

I have a distinct memory of a substitute teacher in elementary school who “mistook” me for a boy. All my friends were outraged on my behalf. And I remember thinking, Oh I guess I’m supposed to be offended by that, but deep down I didn’t understand why. Looking back now I can see that I actually felt affirmed when people saw me as a boy, but every signal I got from adults and other kids was that I couldn’t let people think that about me. 

Whether trans kids are proudly proclaiming “I’m a boy” while their parents and teachers say “no honey, you’re a girl” or are quietly confused as to why they are being separated onto the wrong team of boys vs. girls, trans kids have an internal sense of their gender the same way cisgender kids do. So, chances are, by the time they are sharing their gender identity with you they have spent a long time thinking about it and navigating the difference between what they’ve been told about themselves and how they actually feel internally. 

According to the 2022 U.S. Transgender Survey (the largest survey to date on trans people in the U.S., with 92,329 respondents), nearly all respondents (94%) who live in a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth said they were either a lot more satisfied or a little more satisfied with their life. This echoes the body of research showing that detransition is uncommon. 

Still, you might be wondering if this child’s experience is that uncommon one. The good news is you don’t have to do anything different! Whether it is a phase or not, the most useful thing you can do is support them, affirm them, and be open and interested in their experience. Your support is invaluable either way. It allows them to figure things out for themselves while knowing they have safe supportive adults in their life that they can share with. 

2. Use their chosen name and pronouns.

The simplest way to affirm a trans person’s identity is to use the language that they ask you to use. One study found that using their chosen name reduces the risk of suicidal behavior in trans and gender nonconforming youth by 56%! This is by far the simplest act you can take that will have a huge positive impact on their mental health.

If you know a young person who has come out but hasn’t yet told you what to call them, you may want to ask them privately. You can also ask if there are certain contexts in which they do or don’t want to use that name and those pronouns. You could say something like: “Is there a different name or pronouns you’d like me to use for you? And do you just want me to use them around certain people?” 

Keep in mind that some people use they/them pronouns as a singular pronoun, and that can be a hard adjustment if you’ve never used these pronouns to refer to one person before. It’s OK if it doesn’t come naturally, but you will only get better by practicing. A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns is a great resource for this.

3. Parents, talk to other parents.

If you’re the parent of a child who has just told you they’re trans or nonbinary, you might be scared and confused. That’s totally normal! Where do you even start? It’s a lot to take in and it can be a big adjustment. You have to come to terms with your expectations of what you thought their life would look like. Not only that, but you may have a lot of questions about legal or medical transition (if that is something your child is interested in) and you might not know how to get reputable information.

My biggest piece of advice to parents is: Find a community of other parents to talk to. You might not feel ready to talk to a therapist or a doctor just yet, but you still don’t have to do this alone. There are many parents who have had the same fears and doubts as you and they have also had to work through their complex feelings and figure out what to do next.

PFLAG is a great place to start looking for a community of other parents. You may also find that there are parent groups associated with hospitals that have trans youth programs. Even if you’re in a rural area there are likely online groups that you can attend. Don’t worry, no one is going to make you talk before you feel ready, and no one is going to force you to do anything. Try attending a group and keep an open mind. 

4. Be clear in your support.

What should you do if you suspect a young person you know is questioning their gender identity? Do you say something? Sometimes it feels like the best choice is to just stay quiet until they’re ready, but kids and teens often don’t know if it’s safe to say something. So, make sure you have created an environment of safety and support around them.

That might look like talking about how your family supports the LGBTQIA+ community, mentioning friends and loved ones who are queer and trans in positive ways (and if you don’t have any then it might be the time to expand your social circles), or simply telling them that you’re always available to talk. They need to know you will love them no matter what and that you mean it. And if you live in a community that is not the most affirming, make sure they know you will do everything in your power to keep them safe and advocate for them. 

5. Keep learning.

This article is just a starting point and you will certainly have more questions from here. Try to stay curious and continue to engage with books and educational content about the trans experience. The trans youth in your life will greatly appreciate your efforts.

Some books to help you as an ally include:

• Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond
• Free To Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity
• The Transgender Child
• The Transgender Teen 

And if you want to understand more about the transgender experience and common thoughts and feelings, you can check out my book: Am I Trans Enough?: How to Overcome Your Doubts and Find Your Authentic Self.

The post How to Be There for Young Trans People appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 06.07.24

8 Ways to Be There for Someone Who Came Out Later In Life

“The best thing we can receive is love, support, and the security of knowing things haven't changed.” ByAnna Borges

When someone you care about comes out as LGBTQ+, you might have a lot of feelings—especially when you’ve known them as a certain sexuality or gender for a long time. Even when the news that they’re not straight or cisgender is no big deal, you might still have questions. When did they know? Why didn’t they come out to you sooner? Do you need to adjust your language and behavior? How can you be there for them and not be totally weird about it? 

Because everyone’s wants and needs are so different, there aren’t always straight answers (ba dum tss) to these questions. But there are still some solid ways to show your loved one extra understanding, reassurance, and love after they come out. To give you a better idea of what support can look like, we asked people who have been through this journey to share what they wished the people in their lives did (and didn’t do). Here are a few places to start. 

1. First up, ask how you can be there for them. 

“I came out as nonbinary using they/them pronouns shortly after I turned 32. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I think it’s imperative to ask questions if you’re comfortable and close with the person. If you can ask them how they feel safe and carry that out, it is a huge relief. This isn’t to say be overly cautious to the point of being patronizing or shielding a loved one. But rather it’s important to check in on how a loved one feels safe, especially as they’re in this new vulnerable place because the world outside of close loved ones can feel additionally draining, dismissive, and antagonistic.” —Evan W., 32

2. If they’re pumped, be pumped with them. 

“I came out right after my 28th birthday. My dad died suddenly a few months earlier and I was just like, I need to change my life. Now! My friends supported me by listening to me talk through it—a lot of ‘Am I bi or lesbian?’—and just accepting it. My mom struggled and that bummed me out, but my friends made up for that. Everyone was so excited when I met my girlfriend and couldn’t wait to meet her, too. It made me feel really loved.” —Katie M., 30

3. Listen without judgment.

“My coming out as bisexual happened over several years in my late 20s and early 30s. First, I came out to my romantic partners with mixed results. Some were very kind and accepting, others fetishized it, and others dismissed it entirely. One partner said I was ‘half gay’, which felt really othering and like they didn’t see me for who I was. I then came out to friends and family, who were both very positive overall. 

“The best way people supported me was by seeing me fully, putting aside how they imagined they saw me or what they thought, and just listening to what I was saying and offering their support. Your main job is to listen and offer support and reassurance when it’s needed. Coming out is about us fully sharing who we are, and the best thing we can receive is love, support, and the security of knowing things haven’t changed.” —Trevor L., 32

4. Don’t question their truth. 

“I came out first as demisexual, or on the asexual spectrum, then as nonbinary in my early 40s. Then, a few years ago, I came out as two-spirit, as I’m also a person of Indigenous descent. My friends supported me for the most part. Family was a mixed bag but they didn’t say much about it. If someone tells you that they’re queer, trans, or nonbinary, believe them. Be honest but respectful, love them, and ask them what they need from you. Listen to them!” —Maya G., 50

5. Process your feelings privately.

“I came out at the age of 28 after being in a relationship with a woman for 6 years. My parents appeared supportive at first, but my mom told my dad that she was worried about what I would get up to. He told me everything she told him, so I knew she was having a hard time coming to terms with it. Eventually, my mom and I were able to have a proper adult conversation about my struggles, and she understood my perspective and I understood hers. I still have a close and loving relationship with her. I do wish she had a better initial reaction. Don’t make it about yourself. At the end of the day, the person coming out to you is revealing a part of themselves they kept hidden for a reason and your love and support is what they need to get through the emotional rollercoaster of coming out late in life.” —Ryan G., 32

6. Don’t sweat the small slip-ups.  

“I figured out that I was queer when I went to university and was finally exposed to the idea that it wasn’t a bad thing. It took until I was 32 to find out I was trans. My friends were very accepting and supported me immediately—probably because I had cultivated friendships with queer-positive people. They all switched to my new name very quickly, and I spent more time reassuring them that the occasional slip-up was not a problem than correcting them.” —Charlotte M., 34

7. Treat them how you normally would.

“I came out when I was 32, shortly after divorcing my husband. We remained friends and I was nervous to come out as I didn’t want people to think any differently about him. For those looking to support loved ones who come out later in life, treat them the same as before. Check in with them and ask questions as you normally would. When I came out to my friends in New York, it was tough because I wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. Thankfully, I had a supportive group of girlfriends in the city. My advice is simple: Don’t treat them differently, be curious, and keep an open mind. We’re already nervous about telling you, so your support means everything.” —Cathryn L., 37

8. Stand up for them, even when it’s hard.

“I didn’t come out but I was forcibly outed by my mother at 24. My immediate family supported her, and horrible things were said about me and to me. She tried to get my aunt (her sister) and my grandma (her mother) to join. But both refused, to my surprise. I remember my aunt and her daughter sitting me down and telling me they accept and love me no matter what. My aunt told me that sometimes our parents just can’t be who we want them to be. Sometimes our parents fail us. It was a horrible thing to come to terms with, but in the end, it was essential to my growth and healing. I think the best support is unapologetic. It’s easy to support someone when nothing is opposing them, but when you stand in the face of your own loved ones to support the queer people in your life, it means even more.” —Savanah L., 29

The post 8 Ways to Be There for Someone Who Came Out Later In Life appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.11.24

5 Ways to Reach Out When You’re Feeling Lonely

JFYI: It's not needy to crave social interaction. ByAnna Borges

Have you ever stopped yourself from texting someone because you thought, Well, if they wanted to hang out with me, they would reach out! or something along those lines? Yeah, you’re definitely not alone—and that’s exactly how we wind up feeling disconnected and lonely. Turns out, a lot of us are sitting around waiting for other people to make the first move because we don’t want to seem needy. “It’s one of the greatest wishes I hear in my work—people want their friends to initiate more,” says clinical psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD. 

Seriously—why is it so uniquely tough to just text “hi hang out with me pls?” when we’re craving some social interaction? “So often, our beliefs about burdening someone else can get in the way,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “We underestimate how much people actually appreciate us reaching out, and how willing they are to support us or spend time with us.”

In other words? Just because we feel needy doesn’t mean we seem needy. And keeping that in mind can make it a little less scary to reach out to that old coworker you keep meaning to catch up with or that casual pickleball acquaintance that you’re hoping to turn into a legit friend. That said, if the idea of sending a “What are you up to this weekend?” text still unleashes a wave of anxiety in you, we’ve got some tips for feeling a little less cringe about it. Just as long as you remember that a simple “Hey, I miss you! Wanna hang out?” won’t make you needy, either.

1. Invite them to something you’re doing anyway. 

• “Hey! I’m taking advantage of the sun this weekend by reading in the park if you want to join.”
• “I’m gonna be running errands in your neck of the woods—you free for what will probably be a much-needed coffee break?”
• “Scored an extra ticket to a show this weekend! Was it you or Kate who’s the secret theater kid?” 

Why it helps: Sometimes you might worry a person will feel obligated to accept an invitation even if they don’t really want to see you. (Reminder: That’s your anxiety/insecurity/mean brain talking.) When that’s blocking you, Dr. Kirmayer says a casual, low-risk invite like this can help take the pressure off. They can tag along if they want, but no big deal if they don’t.

2. Acknowledge what’s going on with them. 

• “No pressure if you’re still super swamped, but I’d love to catch up next time you’re free!”
• “Hey! I’ve been missing our happy hours, but I know your hands have been full with the new puppy. We should find a new tradition that feels more doable!”
• “Congrats on the move! LMK when you’re settled in so I can hear all about it.”

Why it helps: “We often see bids for connection or seeking support as taking away from someone else’s resources,” says Dr. Kirmayer, which means it’s easy to talk yourself out of hitting people up with thoughts like, Oh, Jess is way too busy to hang out. Recognizing what the other person has going on can ease that perceived “burden.” You’re also reinforcing to your brain that even if they can’t hang or don’t respond, it probably has nothing to do with you. 

3. Turn it into a thoughtful act. 

• “I know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I’d love to drop by with dinner sometime this week if that’d be helpful.”
• “Just noticed that movie you were pumped about is streaming—movie night?”
• “If you’re still on the lookout for new hiking trails, my coworker just suggested one nearby! We should check it out.” 

Why it helps: A lot of people simply struggle with making things about themselves. “It can feel safer to make it less about your own desire or need for closeness, and more about how you’re thinking of the other person,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Plus, checking in with a specific and personalized invite is just more enticing than a generic, “Hey, wanna hang out?”  

4. Or just be super transparent about your own needs.  

• “OK, I realized I’m useless at keeping in touch unless I can put it on the calendar. Scheduling a regular thing would help me a ton—would you be down for a monthly phone call?” 
• “Whew, i’m just now coming up for air after that huge project at work. Can you help reintroduce me to the land of the living?” 
• “Hey you! I’ve been feeling lonely lately and would love to spend some time together. Can I see your face soon?”

Why it helps: It might seem counterintuitive if you struggle with making your needs known, but being clear on the motivation behind an invitation can actually increase buy-in from the other person, says Dr. Kirmayer. Think about it: Would you really leave someone on Read if they sent you one of these thoughtful messages? Plus, “this kind of self-disclosure can enhance relationship closeness in the long run,” she adds, which is a good goal to have in these disconnected times.

5. Don’t feel the need to attach an invite at all.  

• “I’m back to swiping and I have one question: WHY IS DATING THE WORST??”
• “Omg, please tell me I’m not the only one knee-deep in Love Is Blind conspiracy theories.” 
• “How did your interview go?”

Why it helps: Yes, face-to-face connection can be more effective for fighting loneliness, but that doesn’t mean touching base in smaller ways doesn’t help too. Memes, celebrity gossip, small thinking-of-yous—whatever feels less daunting or more natural can also work. “You want to be mindful of the frequency with which you’re relying on digital communication,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “But texting can help to build confidence and comfort around communicating—not to mention it can be a springboard to other kinds of connection.”

Remember, practice makes…well, good enough. 

“It’s really crucial to recognize that relationship-building skills are still skills,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “So the more you practice it, the more comfortable you become.” And chances are, the more you do it, the more concrete evidence you’ll get that people truly do enjoy hearing from you and hanging out with you, and that doesn’t actually make you needy. 

“When we initiate, we’re letting someone know that we’re open to connection,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “And if we can get in the habit of reaching out and asking for support, that ideally encourages the other person to do that with us. You can really kick off a positive cycle of increasing transparency and closeness.”

The post 5 Ways to Reach Out When You’re Feeling Lonely appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 03.07.24

8 Ways to Be There for Someone Who Lost Their Job

Hey, a little bed rotting never hurt anybody. ByRebecca Feeney, LMSW

Your friend texts you with a not-great life update: “So, I just lost my job.” Of course you’re bummed and want to be there for them, but…how? A lot of people have been dealing with job loss lately due to rampant layoffs in pretty much all fields, so you’re not alone if you’re looking for the best ways to help (or at least not harm) the situation. 

As a social worker and therapist, I’ve seen how hard these unexpected transitions can be. But that didn’t make it sting any less when I recently found myself in the same position as many of my clients over the years—dealing with a “severed” relationship with my former employer. The experience left me reeling and filled with questions: What would happen to my clients? How would I make rent next month? How do I apply for health insurance? Do I have to sign that thing they sent me? I also felt very alone—until I was reminded by my support system that they had my back. I had colleagues to help me network, family to share my outrage, and friends at the ready to distract and motivate as needed. 

I’ve worked with therapy clients from various fields through job loss, and each person has needed a different approach. Some people want emotional support and a space to vent, while others want to make a five-point plan and figure out what comes next as soon as possible. Most will benefit from a combination of the two. What I’ve learned from now being on both sides of this dynamic is that the best way to truly help someone is by showing up and asking. If it still feels a little intimidating to approach the subject of someone else’s job loss, here are a few suggestions. 

1. Ask what they need before assuming you know best.

The best way to know what will help someone heal from an ego-damaging loss like this is to simply ask: “How can I help?” Do they need some time alone to process the loss? Do they want to be around loved ones to help boost them up? Do they need help finding a therapist to process what just happened? We can only be helpful when we know what will actually help! So don’t shy away from asking how you can best support the people you care about.

Losing your job can be a very vulnerable experience, and feeling heard, understood, and connected becomes even more important than usual. So, if your friend says they aren’t ready to talk about it yet and they need some time to process on their own, give them some space. If your spouse wants to go into detail about being fired, let them vent. If your sibling wants to start applying to jobs yesterday, send along those job listings that fit the bill for them. Respecting how your loved one chooses to grieve the loss of a job shows that you really want to help.

2. Remind them their feelings are valid. 

You get hit with a lot of empty platitudes when you lose a job (think: “It wasn’t meant to be!”). And while these kind words can sometimes be helpful, they can also feel dismissive if that’s not where you’re at emotionally. Every job loss is different, and there are so many factors that can contribute to how someone reacts to it. 

If they were fired, they might be feeling angry with a side of bruised ego, whereas if it was a mass layoff, they’re probably feeling confused and sad. If this was their dream job, they might be taking a hit to their self-esteem and feeling unsure of what they would even want to do next. Maybe this was a job they kinda hated or a field they accidentally stumbled into, in which case they might be feeling relieved and motivated to make a change. 

With any of these reactions, you can validate their feelings and remind them that whatever comes next will likely be better due to the lessons they’ve inevitably learned from this experience. Just be careful not to rely on clichés, which can feel disingenuous.

3. Keep checking in.  

In the days/weeks/months following a job loss, this person is probably going to feel a range of emotions: sadness, fear, anxiety, and maybe even relief for some. When the crisis of it all fades and they have a chance to regroup, they may not need as many hugs and tissues as they do job listings, motivational quotes, and help with budgeting.

So make it a point to check in regularly—even after the immediate aftermath. If you’re not sure what to say, ask questions that are relevant to what they’re sharing with you. For example, if someone keeps venting about their total lack of routine these days, you can check in with, “How’s your motivation doing today?” Or, if they just told you about their 27th job application that went nowhere, you can ask if they want another set of eyes on their resume or searching through job boards. 

4. But remember to maintain healthy boundaries too. 

When someone we love is struggling it can be easy to overinvest in their wellbeing and neglect our own. But it’s completely possible and necessary to maintain healthy boundaries while providing support to others. I know—easier said than done. Personally, I have the quote, “Kindness without boundaries is self-sabotage,” framed on my wall to remind me that I need to take care of myself first before taking care of others. 

If you find your boundaries being pushed by a loved one who is out of work, it’s OK to set some gentle limits. A good question to ask when someone is complaining about the same thing over and over again is, “Do you need to vent or would you like advice?” If they say they just need to vent (and they’ve already been doing that for the last several days), it’s perfectly acceptable to add some boundaries here. You might say, “OK, I can give you 5 minutes to vent about this now, then we can [insert fun/distracting/productive activity or discussion topic here].” You can also try something like, “I want to make sure I’m supporting you, but I also have some things I want to share too.” This reminds them that you’re here for them (within reason) and that the support doesn’t just go in one direction. 

5. Let them rest!

When I lost my job, I had my fair share of days where I chose bed rotting over differently productive activities, and it was so very needed for me to fully recognize how burned out I was and to grieve the loss. Many people out of work don’t realize how much they really need rest until they are no longer faced with the daily pressures of a high-needs job. So it’s important to allow time for recovery before jumping back into the process of applying, interviewing, and starting a new job. 

Of course, some people can only afford to take a day before getting back to business while others can go at a more leisurely pace. Either way, validating your loved one’s need to rest and recover can help alleviate any feelings of shame and guilt, which will ultimately make it easier for them to move forward when they are ready.

6. But don’t be afraid to give them a reality check when needed. 

Everyone needs to take a breather after getting let go. But if that breather seems to be extending into a break that you know isn’t financially or emotionally smart for someone, it might be time to speak up—especially if this impacts your relationship in a big way (think: a romantic partner or close friend and roommate). 

For instance, if your partner was just let go, it’s justifiable to talk about what this means for your shared resources or responsibilities. Try using “I” statements when expressing your feelings related to their job loss. That might look like, “I’m feeling frustrated and concerned because I don’t know how to support you right now,” or “I feel overwhelmed being the primary source of income for our family, and I think it would help if we could make a plan together about how to adjust going forward until you find your next role.” Stay away from blaming or shaming language so that your loved one doesn’t feel attacked and is more open to hearing what you have to say. 

7. Remind them who TF they are.

It’s common for anyone’s ego to feel tender and bruised after a job loss. This will likely be a time when their internal validation might waver, and they will need to rely on external validation from their support systems to get back on track. Telling your friend how skilled they are at making connections with people, reminding your partner how they’ve adjusted to other roadblocks in the past, or even just texting a sibling a funny meme about being a BAMF will let them know you are on their side and rooting for them. 

When I found myself suddenly unemployed and it was time to tell my friends and family what happened, I felt self-conscious. I worried they might judge me for the company’s decision and it would change how they saw me in our relationships. Those fears were quickly extinguished when my support system and professional network shared my outrage and provided me with all the various forms of support I needed, when I needed them, for which I am very grateful. 

8. Encourage them to get help—especially if you’re worried about them. 

Job loss can be a huge blow to someone’s mental health, and it’s not uncommon for this experience to trigger or exacerbate things like anxiety, depression, or substance use issues. Expressing concern for someone you love who is clearly struggling can be intimidating, but it can also be life-saving. 

And, when I say “clearly struggling,” I don’t mean having a few low days or taking their time applying to jobs. Signs of distress that are cause for concern can vary from person-to-person but, in general, if there is a noticeable and persistent change in the person’s hygiene, appearance, demeanor, or mood, those could be signs that there is a bigger problem to address. 

Let’s say your super social and upbeat friend is suddenly canceling plans a lot and doesn’t seem to have much energy when you do see them. Check in with them one-on-one and tell them you’ve noticed a shift. Or if your sibling who’s usually dressed to the nines shows up to an event looking unkempt, gently ask how they are doing without expressing judgment about how they look. 

This is also a good time to point them towards resources like therapy directories or crisis hotlines, like 988. A lot of people worry that asking someone if they’re having suicidal thoughts will plant the idea in their heads, but that is a common myth about suicide and not the case. So if you’re worried about their safety, ask how you can help. You can also help them create a safety plan—we’ve got a worksheet for that right here that you can work through together. 

The post 8 Ways to Be There for Someone Who Lost Their Job appeared first on Wondermind.

Q&A Link Copied 11.16.23

Senator Raphael Warnock on the Mental Health Crisis in Schools

"Young people today have pressures that I didn't face as a kid growing up in the '80s, pressures we didn't even know about." ByWondermind

There’s no denying that students today are dealing with a whole lot of ~unprecedented times~ and it’s taking a serious toll on their mental health. Here, podcast host Sammy Jaye sits down with Senator Reverend Raphael Warnock to talk about his proposed legislation aimed at addressing this mental health crisis.

Heads up: You can watch the full interview on our YouTube channel.

Sammy Jaye: On May 31st, you proposed a new piece of legislation called The ASSIST Act: Advancing Student Services in Schools Today (ASSIST) Act. What inspired you to introduce this piece of legislation and how do you think it will affect students’ mental health in school?

Senator Raphael Warnock: I have long been focused on the issue of mental health and making sure our students have all of the support and the resources that they need to succeed. And young people are under a lot of stress and a lot of pressures today. We’re dealing with the isolation of the pandemic. I think we still have not accounted for the impact of that pandemic on our mental health—everybody.

SJ: In the process of getting this passed, how have you seen the response been so far? Has it been positive from both sides of the aisle? Have you received any pushback?

RW: Well, I think mental health is an issue that’s bigger than partisan politics, right? And I think for every parent out there, whether you’re someone who’s a teacher in a school or nurse or a plumber or someone who is in Congress. I’m the father of two small children myself—I have a seven year old and a four year old. And I look at what’s happening with young people today—the high rates of suicide, the depression—it’s something that we cannot afford to ignore. And so I’m focused on building a kind of bipartisan coalition to getting this over the finish line. And that’s why I introduced The ASSIST Act.

SJ: How do you think the tools that students receive from The ASSIST Act will translate to their lives outside of school?

RW: My bill will address the fact that there are just so few resources in our schools, not nearly enough counselors. And what we will do in this bill is provide the resources for schools to both attract and retain mental health counselors and providers, and hopefully young people will see the benefits of that, which then are important for all aspects of their lives. So we see it in schools, but, look, at the end of the day, we want to see young people go out into the world and thrive. We want to see them start businesses. We want to see them embrace a career, a discipline that excites them. And there’s nothing like seeing a young person who has that spark in their eye because they’ve found that thing that excites them, their passion.

SJ: I recently read your book A Way Out of No Way: A Memoir of Truth Transformation and the New American Story. And in chapter one you said, “The love and support and validation I got from my family shaped how I saw myself and the world around me.” For so many people growing up, they don’t have that at home and they go to school for that. How will your legislation give students the support and validation they need when they’re at school?

RW: I had two incredible parents. My father’s deceased. My mom gratefully is still with us. But even for young people who have parents at home who are very supportive, sometimes you need more. Sometimes there’s a disconnect. There’s the tension that almost inevitably comes with growing up and finding your own voice and your own sense of agency and autonomy in those spaces and places. For a lot of people, it was a teacher. For others, it was a guidance counselor or a school nurse or a principal.

I think of Gwen Goodman, who was my high school principal growing up. She was this short, little, diminutive woman, but powerful, such a powerhouse. She was no nonsense. She didn’t take any stuff, but we all knew that she loved us and she wanted the best for us. And that’s why I think that people who work in schools—whether they’re teachers or guidance counselors, sometimes even the school janitor—they’re there for our kids. But my bill provides that people who have this particular expertise in providing mental health support are right there in our schools to give our kids the support that they need. And I can’t think of anything that’s more important than that.

SJ: Do you have any advice to help students with the fear that we’re under and how to maintain faith in a time of such uncharted territory?

RW: What I would say to people: Keep the faith and keep fighting. And I don’t say that in a glib way. These struggles are not easy. They’re just that—it’s a struggle. And I acknowledge that young people today have pressures that I didn’t face as a kid growing up in the ’80s, pressures we didn’t even know about. We thought those were tough times, right?

But not long ago, I was literally on the floor of the United States Senate urging my colleagues to do something on the issue of gun safety and gun violence. We had witnessed what happened in Uvalde—Congress did pass some legislation after that, which helps, but it’s not enough. We see mass shooting after mass shooting. We’ve had more mass shootings this year than we’ve had days this year. And so, not long ago, I was on the floor of the Senate addressing the issue of gun violence, and while I was giving a speech on the floor of the Senate, my own two precious children—ages seven and four—were in a school lockdown because there was a gunman at a medical center in Atlanta. And out of an abundance of caution, the schools in the area were on lockdown.

I talked to my daughter later on that day because I wasn’t sure if she knew what had happened. She was at the time in the first grade, And I said, “How was school today?” And she said, “Dad, we were on a lockdown.” I said, “Really? What happened?” She said, “There was a bad man with a gun. And so the whole school had to go on lockdown and I was helping. I was comforting my friends and telling them how to hide.”

I thought about that because I remember my dad asking me: “What happened at school today?” And not once did I have to say to my dad there was a gunman. I didn’t know what a lockdown was. I never heard of a lockdown. But this post-Columbine generation… And now we’re going into the second generation after Columbine, and Congress has done precious little to address this issue. So I want to be clear: I’m focused on the gun safety issue too.

SJ: It wouldn’t be right for us to have this conversation and not ask you: How is your mental health doing? How are you taking care of yourself?

RW: That’s right. We have to check on each other. I don’t know—I decided to run for Senate, so maybe we ought to examine what kind of person signs up to do this kind of work! No, seriously, I enjoy my work and I’m doing fine. And that’s because I have a community of support and I’ve got people who do just what you just did, who check in. So let’s keep checking in with one another.

The post Senator Raphael Warnock on the Mental Health Crisis in Schools appeared first on Wondermind.

Worksheet Link Copied 05.12.23

How to Find Your Support Squad

A worksheet for anyone who feels a little alone right now. ByWondermind

Feeling like you have no one to call when you’re going through something can be one of the most isolating experiences ever. Whether you have no clue who to put down as your emergency contact or you’re worried that your BFF/partner/mom/whoever is going to block you if you keep calling them at 2 a.m. with a crisis, it’s worth taking a moment to reflect on your support system every once in a while.

Not sure where to start? This worksheet, created by clinical psychologist and Wondermind Advisory Committee member Ryan Howes, PhD, will help you look at your support squad in a whole new way.

CLICK FOR THE PDF!

And, remember, this worksheet is yours to do whatever you want with—you can print it and tape it to your bathroom mirror or just save it on your phone for easy reference.

Heads up: This worksheet goes with our new podcast, Baggage Drop: a month-long therapist-led series to help you ditch whatever’s holding you back. So if you find this useful and want more therapist-backed activities like this, make sure to subscribe here to never miss an episode—or a worksheet.

The post How to Find Your Support Squad appeared first on Wondermind.