Pro Tips Link Copied 12.23.24

So You Weren’t Invited—Here’s How to Not Spiral (or Crash the Party)

Your guide to FOMO. ByMadeline Howard Additional reporting bySam Brodsky

If you’ve been feeling left out—which you probably (definitely) have—you know how much it hurts. And it’s not just you: Feeling included and having the sense that you belong is a basic human need. People crave connection. That’s why feeling left out can seem like such a big deal, explains licensed therapist Blake Blankenbecler, LCMHC.

Say you’re not invited to dinner with coworkers or your pals. Whether they meant to leave you out or not, this situation can stir up big feelings like anger or loneliness, notes Blankenbecler. That can lead to things like rumination and negative self-talk. Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought, Why am I the friend who gets left out?!

Here, we asked experts how to deal with not being invited when you’re in the middle of a loneliness spiral so you can see yourself out of it.

Step 1: Find some calm.

While you might feel resentment, anger, or frustration, causing a raucous might not be the best move for you or anyone else involved, Blankenbecler notes. Reacting impulsively on your feelings can lead to unnecessary conflict, especially if it’s based on your assumptions (turns out, feelings aren’t always facts). 

Instead, focus your energy on calming down. That process can help you see things more rationally. Take a walk, focus on your senses (like feeling the ground beneath your feet), or name the supportive people and places that make you feel safe, suggests Blankenbecler.

Step 2: Consider why you’re actually upset.

If social media is how you found out you’re not invited, you’ll probably have FOMO. “Everyone is only portraying the best parts. It gives the impression that everyone else is happy and you’re not,” says clinical psychologist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. So take a step back and think about whether you’d actually make it to that event—or if you’d honestly want to be there.

It’s possible that you’re more upset about seeing the highlight on IG where everybody looked like they were having the most fun without you. If that’s the case, try to remember that there’s always more to the story than what you get in a caption (like the two hours of traffic it took to get to the restaurant or the drama you wouldn’t have wanted to deal with anyway). 

Giving yourself a quick reality check (do you really feel like putting on pants right now?) might put things into perspective and help you feel better. You can also consider if other stuff in your life is making you more sensitive to social FOMO right now, Blankenbecler suggests. Perhaps those things are making you feel extra lonely or upset. 

Step 3: Call out mean voices in your head.

You probably don’t know why you weren’t invited, Dr. Brito says. Be open to the idea that it might’ve been a last-minute get-together or that your friend just wants time with their old work buds. Trust: It could have legit nothing to do with you.  

Yeah, it’s easy to fall into extreme all-or-nothing (or catastrophic) thinking in moments like this, so don’t feel bad about it, says Blankenbecler. Instead, when thoughts like, I’m not good enough, or, I have no friends, or, All my friends suck, are running through your mind, use this as an opportunity to get a little curious about your reaction. Dr. Brito suggests asking yourself, Where is this voice coming from?  From there, question whether these negative thoughts are true. Do you have evidence you’re actually a terrible human without any friends or that every one of your friends is shitty? Probably not! “Be compassionate. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend or a younger child,” Dr. Brito explains. Remember that these thoughts and feelings will pass.

Step 4: Give these friends a quick lil eval.

Sure, you can give someone the benefit of the doubt and prove your thoughts wrong. But, could this non-invite be a red flag? Maybe! That’s especially true if you’ve had an iffy feeling about those friends as of late. “Maybe this is an opportunity for you to separate yourself from them because they’re mean to you,” Dr. Brito says. If this person only makes you feel bad when you’re with them, you might want to take a closer look at those feelings post missed invite.

Step 5: Do something nice for yourself.

Turn off social media, put your phone away, try some self-love affirmations, pick up a book, get in the bath, or do whatever makes you feel safe and taken care of, Dr. Brito says. (Especially if you realize that your friend isn’t really a friend and you need TLC.) Once you’ve identified an activity that works for you, try to do it more often. Over time, it can help your mood and self-worth improve no matter what events you miss out on.

Step 6: Maybe have a convo about it (but also maybe don’t).

Whether you should bring up The Event and your absence depends on the relationship. If it’s casual, like a coworker, maybe it’s not worth confronting them about it, especially if it’s going to impact your day-to-day interactions, Dr. Brito says. If you’re tight with the person who left you out, and you feel like you can talk through it without a major fallout, you can embrace vulnerability by saying something along the lines of, “I heard you planned a group dinner. I felt bad that I wasn’t invited. Did I do anything to upset you? Should we talk about this?”

If they’re straightforward with you, keep an open mind. A true relationship requires honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable at times. When you work through miscommunication or areas where you’ve hurt each other and repair that hurt, you’re actually strengthening the bond you have with each other, says Blankenbecler.

That said, if your close friend’s making excuses and avoiding your question altogether? That’s not a great look.

Step 7: Have a little self-reflection moment.

If it seems like you were intentionally left out and you feel like you’re in a mentally good space to reflect on that, consider taking some time to think about why. Heads up: This might not feel great, so it’s not a bad idea to work through this with the help of a mental health professional or a friend or family member whose opinion you value. Consider (with your journal or with that trusted someone) how you show up socially and if there might be any conflicts in this group that you’ve been ignoring. “Do you tend to take up a lot of space? Are you pretty demanding? Do you need a lot of care? If you’re saying yes to all this, maybe that’s why they didn’t invite you,” Dr. Brito explains. It’s possible there’s some stuff you need to work through in these adult friendships—but this does not  mean you’re a bad person. The fact that you’re self-assessing in the first place is a sign that you’re someone who cares about others. 

Step 8: Lean into genuine friendships. 

Whether or not you want space from the friend who didn’t invite you, focusing on other bonds can help you feel better. FOMO doesn’t sting as badly when you know there are good people in your life.

If you don’t have too many close friends, that’s OK! Blankenbecler recommends surrounding yourself with as many potential connections as possible. Join a group workout class or book club. Go to networking events in your industry. Putting yourself out there can help you suss out which connections feel good and which don’t, she notes.

Step 9: Think about getting professional support.

If you find yourself stuck in this pattern of feeling left out or on the fringe of your social interactions often, you might want to consider finding a mental health professional to discuss your relationships, notes Blankenbecler. With a therapist, you can talk about the feelings you continue to experience and come up with healthy coping skills to deal, she says.

A therapist can also help you assess the authenticity of your friendships, decide if you want to foster new ones, and pinpoint if there are ways you can step up in your existing relationships—basically, most of the steps we already addressed but with extra support!

The post So You Weren’t Invited—Here’s How to Not Spiral (or Crash the Party) appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.22.22

Here’s What Depression Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Hint: It's more nuanced than you think. ByMadeline Howard

You’ve seen the cheesy pharma commercials, you’ve consumed the TikToks barely explaining it, and you might even have a friend who takes meds for it. But what is depression, actually? 

To be honest, clinical depression, otherwise known as major depression or major depressive disorder, can encompass a ton of symptoms, but typically people with depression feel sad, guilty, low self-worth, apathetic, tired, and can have trouble sleeping, eating, focusing, or doing the things they normally enjoy. Sometimes people with depression will also have thoughts of suicide, according to American Psychiatric Association (APA).

With those basics in mind, below we asked the experts for all the intel: What is depression? How do you know if you’re dealing with it? And how do you get help?

One quick thing before we dive into the details: Mental health is complex and everyone has a unique experience, so don’t go diagnosing yourself just because you read a few articles on the internet (though, we do appreciate you stopping by to learn a few things). If this resonates with you, consider it a jumping-off point in your journey to getting care. OK, let’s get into it…

What is depression?

While we’ve all probably been through a sad or apathetic spell, the thing that makes a depressive disorder different than being bummed or burnt out is that the symptoms interfere with everyday functioning, explains Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. 

So, someone who feels sad or guilty or lethargic for a few days is likely not depressed, says Dr. Zuckerman. Instead, the sense of hopelessness that comes with depression lasts for at least two weeks, along with other symptoms, she adds. Plus, depression can physically impact a person. Sometimes that comes in the form of aches and pains like headaches, cramping, digestive issues, and more, per the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). “People think depression is just a mood state, but that’s a misconception,” Dr. Zuckerman says.

FWIW, depression is very common. In 2020, roughly 8% of all adults in the U.S. said they’d experienced depression at some point that year, according to the NIMH. But the amount of people who will ever experience depression in their lifetime is thought to be around 21 percent, according to a 2018 survey published in JAMA Psychiatry. And, even though researchers aren’t totally sure what the root cause of depression is, there are a lot of factors that might make someone more likely to experience it. 

For starters, people between the ages of 18 and 25, people who identify as being two or more races, and adult women were way more likely to report dealing with depression in 2020 than other groups, according to the NIMH. Like a lot of mental health issues, a family history of depression or other mental health issues could up someone’s chances of a diagnosis, per the NIMH. “There’s a genetic component to depression,” Dr. Zuckerman confirms. 

Besides DNA, external factors like Big! Life! Changes!, trauma, medical problems, certain medicines, and stress can also up your risk of this mental health issue.

How do you diagnose depression?

Though every person can experience depression differently, depending on their circumstances and its severity, in order to be diagnosed a person or their doctor must believe that these symptoms are causing clinically significant (or a very high degree of) distress when it comes to their social life, work, family life, and other obligations. And, yep, you definitely need to see a doctor to be diagnosed.

To figure out whether you’re dealing with depression or something else, you and your doctor need to chat through your symptoms (like the ones listed above) and how long they last. If you have five or more of the symptoms associated with depression and they last basically all day every day for at least two weeks, there’s a solid chance you could be diagnosed with depression. Unlike mental health issues that can feel sort of like depression (see: grief and burnout), with actual depression you could feel apathetic toward things that normally make you happy, or you might even feel depressed no matter what you do, according to the NIMH. 

Oh, and one other thing: A depression diagnosis is very common among people who die by suicide, but not every person who experiences suicidal ideation is depressed and not everyone who is depressed will experience suicidal ideation. That said, if you or someone you know is in immediate distress or is thinking about hurting themselves, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or use the Lifeline Chat on the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s site.

Is there a cure for depression?

Sadly, there is not. But there are many, many treatments mental health practitioners can use to help people with depression get some relief. Heads up: There’s often some trial-and-error involved here, because no one experiences depression the exact same way. 

That said, one of the most common methods is meeting with a mental health practitioner to chat through thoughts and feelings, mmhmm, as in therapy. A super common one is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which helps you learn to reframe all those unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. CBT is one of the most-studied treatments for depression, so it’s a great place to start if you’re not sure what kind of therapist to look for. There’s also acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which helps you learn to accept your negative emotions and experiences and change the way you react to them, Dr. Zuckerman explains. Though the science behind ACT for depression is less studied than CBT, some research suggests that it may reduce depressive symptoms. 

Medication is another tool people can use to combat depression with or without therapy. The most common meds are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) or serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). Both of these increase the level of serotonin or norepinephrine (or both) present in the brain, which could improve people’s moods and reduce their symptoms, Dr. Zuckerman explains. Just a heads up: Antidepressants can take between four and eight weeks to start working, according to the NIMH. While that’s kind of a bummer, waiting it out to see what happens is key.

While meds and/or therapy are a must, adding in some ~healthy habits~ might also make a difference. Things like working in 30 minutes of movement a day (see: walking), creating a solid bedtime and wake-up sched, remembering to eat, connecting with friends and fam, and prioritizing your to-do list could all help, per the NIMH. Hey, it’s science.

Odds are people starting treatment for their depression won’t experience a shift in their mental state right away, Dr. Zuckerman says. Instead, they’ll see “tiny behavior changes that move in the direction of their treatment goals,” she explains. But those small moves (like, um, just taking a shower today) make a big difference.

Just because it might seem impossible now doesn’t mean it will be forever, especially with the help of a mental health pro and a consistent treatment plan.  

What if I need help now?

• If you’re in a crisis or just need some immediate support, dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Prevention Lifeline or text 838255. 
• If this isn’t an emergency, you can also dial 311 for the Non-Emergency Services Hotline. 
• Find a support group via the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
• Chat with a trained suicide prevention counselor specializing in LGBTQ+ young people at The Trevor Project

The post Here’s What Depression Actually Is (and Isn’t) appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.13.22

10 Genius Tips for Making Friends as an Adult

How to do it even if you feel weird about it. ByMadeline Howard

If you’ve been wondering how to make friends as an adult, you’re definitely not alone. After you’re out of school, you’re pretty much catapulted into a lifestyle that largely revolves around working all the damn time (how fun?), which often means losing the close-knit social circle that’s easily formed when you’re steps from friends in dorm rooms or on the same sports teams. So it’s just not a huge surprise that people become lonelier as they age, explains Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist. And, despite the fact that our lives look nothing like they did when we were babies (yes, this includes college), we often mourn the relationships we used to have during that time, Dr. Zuckerman says. Raise your hand if you feel seen. 

Thing is, as adults, the amount of time we have in a day (or even a weekend) to just hang is at an all-time low—especially if you have kids. And when you do have a spare moment, you’re more likely to do household chores or get some well-deserved rest than seek out social time, Dr. Zuckerman says. 

All these factors can leave your circle significantly smaller as you age. “It becomes harder to find people to be friends with like you would when you were 20,” Dr. Zuckerman says. Cue the social anxiety.

And social media sure has a way of making us feel even worse about this. “People think everyone else is out and about and having fun while they’re sitting there mindlessly scrolling,” Dr. Zuckerman says. (Spoiler: They’re not.) Despite all of that validating yet depressing information, here’s how you CAN make friends as a whole adult, according to a psychologist. 

1. Edit your friendships.

Sometimes people mourn friends that may not even mesh with their current lifestyle or value system—which is normal! But since we have less time to spare as grown people, it’s important that we prioritize quality of friends over quantity of friends. Think that sounds kinda harsh? Well, consider the fact that your free time is finite, so if you’re holding on to or feeling guilty about neglecting friendships that aren’t even fulfilling to you, you have less room for friends who have more to offer. So, before you start looking for new besties (as the youths say) audit your current relationships by asking yourself: What do I value? How have my values changed since I started hanging out with this person? Is our current friendship in line with those values? If not, maybe it’s time to step back to make space for people who appreciate the things that are important to you now.

2. Hear us out: Join a club or sports league.

Not to sound like your mom, but hitting up a pottery or basketball clurb can help you meet people with similar interests. While a deep friendship cannot be established on a love of ceramics alone, building new acquaintances and friends groups can be helpful when you’re just craving general social interaction. And, hey, you might hit it off with that person who loves Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as much as you do. 

3. Go out of your way to do things you don’t normally do.

Speaking of activities, busting out of your comfort zone might help you interact with new people, aka potential new friends. Think about activities you’ve always wanted to try but never have, Dr. Zuckerman explains. It could be as simple as taking your dog to a new coffee shop every weekend (dogs = friend magnets, it’s science) or maybe you finally swing by that book club your work buddy is in. You could also just spark up a conversation with the regulars you cross paths with at the gym, the dog park, the library, or wherever. “Start small,” Dr. Zuckerman says. 

4. Embrace those ~soft ~ connections.

Turns out, you don’t have to be close friends with everyone. No, really. “It’s important to differentiate between friendship and acquaintance, close friends and social friends. There’s different levels [of friendship],” Dr. Zuckerman says. “You could have your dog-walking friend. You can have your tennis friends,” she explains. All of these people offer up social interaction, which can make you feel good even if they don’t feel like your closest bond on planet earth. Why? “It’s exhausting to have deep connections with so many people, and people can serve different purposes in your life,” she explains. So maybe you’re not spilling your soul to your rec league soccer teammate, but you will go to them if you feel like kicking the ball around. A connection is still a connection.

5. Don’t bank on one bestie.

Who doesn’t love the idea of having that one best friend you spend all of your time with? But since older usually translates to busier, most adults just don’t have the bandwidth for that set up. Thus, “If you put all your eggs into one basket for one person, they may not be able to give you all that you need,” Dr. Zuckerman says. That could leave you feeling hurt if your ride or die is a little more MIA lately. If/when that does happen, try not to view it as rejection, she adds. This doesn’t necessarily mean you and your person are any less close—it could just mean that the logistics of your friendship are shifting a little. While this new dynamic might rightfully suck, try to use this new free time to invest in a friendship with someone you’ve been wanting to build a deeper connection with but haven’t made the time for—like one of those aforementioned ~soft connections~. 

6. Don’t take what you see on social media at face value.

Remember: The socials are rigged. “Social media is engineered for you to feel left out, to feel like you’re not doing something that other people are doing,” Dr. Zuckerman says. So try not to compare the relationships you have to the ones you see online—especially if it feels like your new friends are having fun without you. Truth is that they likely value your presence in their lives, even if you’re not hanging out 24/7. Plus, taking it personally can just make you feel even worse about your current social scenario and inhibit all the hard work you’re putting into building your friendships already.

7. Join interesting groups on social media.

If you feel like you don’t have much time for friends outside of work and other responsibilities, consider making virtual connections through social media groups related to your interests, Dr. Zuckerman says. For example, if you like hiking, join a hiking Facebook group or follow a hiking TikTok page. You could also use social media as a jumping-off point for developing friendships with people you follow. Reply to people’s stories if they post about activities you’re interested in or leave comments on their posts. “Talk to and engage with people online and socialize with people that way,” Dr. Zuckerman says. This will give you a sense of shared goals and community, which you can carry into IRL once you build up a mutual online rapport. 

8. Have a platonic date night.

Ask out a person with whom you’d like to build a friendship. “Have one or two nights a week that is your social night with friends,” Dr. Zuckerman says. “Schedule it as a commitment,” she says, and plan something fun like a movie night or trying a restaurant with someone you’d like to be a new friend. Not up for a nighttime hang? Try lunch, coffee, etc. All that matters is you make building new friendships a priority throughout your week in a way that “holds you accountable,” Dr. Zuckerman says. 

9. Avoid canceling at all costs.

While you might be inclined to send a Hey so, I’m feeling pretty wiped out…  text after finishing a long day of work, avoid doing so with those budding new friendships. After all, you made these plans for a reason. Odds are, you’ll have a good time. Obviously, if you really just can’t, “make sure in the moment you pick an alternative date right then and there,” Dr. Zuckerman says. It shows you care and you’re genuinely looking forward to hanging out.

10. Ditch texting for video calls instead.

If you’re someone who usually talks to your friends and other connections through texting or social media DMs, try switching up how you communicate. “Go out of your comfort zone and FaceTime instead of text,” Dr. Zuckerman says. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but that face-to-face context can really do a lot to help you feel less isolated.” That’s because 1:1 time, even if it’s digital, can make both people more present and engaged, she adds. Plus, it shows that you’re making this new friendship a priority, and who doesn’t want to be prioritized? 

The post 10 Genius Tips for Making Friends as an Adult appeared first on Wondermind.