Stories Link Copied 02.26.25

15 People Get Real About Mental Health Medication

The harmful stigma around medication and mental health needs to end. ByCarina Hsieh Additional Reporting ByCasey Gueren

If it seems like the stigma around mental health medications is suddenly getting worse, you’re not wrong. Medications like SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety meds, and others have been the subject of some wild claims from Robert F. Kennedy Jr., newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Health & Human Services. During and since his confirmation hearing, RFK Jr. spread harmful misconceptions about these evidence-based mental health medications used to treat conditions like depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. 

“Research has continuously demonstrated the safety and efficacy of antidepressants and antipsychotics,” Chase T.M. Anderson, MD, MS, assistant professor in child and adolescent psychiatrist at University of California at San Francisco, tells Wondermind. “Every medication has benefits and risks, so physicians have a ‘risks and benefits’ talk before prescribing and allow space for questions. After prescribing, we monitor for adverse events with regular appointments. With the children, adolescents, and young adults I work with, we meet a few days or a week after. As time goes on and symptoms improve, we space check-ins out more so they can be off living their lives.” 

Despite the fact that RFK Jr.’s criticism of these meds isn’t based in science (more on that here), spreading misinformation can lead to increased stigma and stereotypes about mental health medications and the people who take them. 

If you think you might benefit from mental health medication, it’s worth talking to your primary care provider or a mental health professional to address any concerns floating in the back of your mind. In the meantime, here’s what 15 people had to say about their experiences with mental health meds, including how medicine helped life become more vibrant again and the lowdown on side effects.

1. Think of it like any other medicine you’d need…  

“I’ve been taking [medication] to treat my OCD for about 10 years and had tried other medications when I was in high school. I used to be super embarrassed—especially in high school—that people would judge me for it, and I also [had] fears about what taking medicine meant about me. Once my condition got worse, I had a therapist tell me that it was just like taking medicine to treat anything else. Now I am so fucking grateful for it because I don’t think I would be here without it, and I certainly wouldn’t have the life that I do. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that you shouldn’t need it, but it doesn’t make you weak.” —Olivia L., 29

2. …Or like a doctor-prescribed safety net. 

“I was on a variety of antidepressants for roughly a decade, from age 14. There were obviously downsides and side effects, but the medication provided a really important safety net whilst I sorted out [my life]. I was fortunate to have doctors who were receptive when I wanted to try different medications, especially as there is no perfect antidepressant. Being a really young person on mental health medication often gets strange looks, but I knew it was the right choice because of the difference it made.” —Oliver A.*, 25 

3. Remember that feeling 100% perfect isn’t the goal… 

“While dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, I hit my absolute bottom. I experienced huge bouts of rage directed at myself and others, had panic attacks every single day, and was ready to pack up my car and leave my husband and baby without any notice. I talked to my doctor about being put on an antidepressant, and since then, I honestly feel more comfortable in my own skin. I’m nowhere near 100% all the time, but being on medication takes the edge off and makes me feel like I can be around people without a panic attack brewing. Since going on medication, I have had only two panic attacks, which is a win for me—I was having at least one a day for months before.” —Kori B., 29 

4. …And that it’s OK if you get frustrated. 

“I have been on psychiatric medications for a variety of mental health issues since I was 16. I haven’t felt the stigma about taking mental health medications (thankfully, I have an amazing family and support system), but I have had to go on a journey within myself to accept that I will probably be on these medications for the rest of my life and that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that will always need this extra attention and care. 

As much as I sometimes hate that I’m taking six to eight pills a day, I know how horrible I felt all the time when I wasn’t on my medications. I truly feel like I deserve a happier, more fulfilled life than that. I have had the darkest depths of depression and the highest highs of manic episodes, but I am blissfully in the middle with this particular cocktail of medications I’m on right now. I still get to experience the full range of human emotion, and I don’t have to be a victim of my mind or scared of my thoughts. These advances in medicine are to make sure we all have the best lives possible, so why not embrace the fact that, yeah, I might be a little ‘off’ on my own, but I have so many resources available to me that can make my life so much better.” —Morgan S., 28 

5. Sometimes therapy isn’t enough.  

“I just started taking medication for depression this year, and I can’t believe I was living for years with the condition and its anxious symptoms when I didn’t have to. As an Asian American, mental health—and especially medication for it—isn’t something that’s talked about in my family. My parents thought I just needed to learn stress relief techniques and go to therapy, but that wasn’t enough. I realized [medication] was a viable and not uncommon option once my partner pointed out that many of my friends were on antidepressants and I asked them about their positive experiences with medication. I cried the first time I took a pill because I felt I was broken, but now I feel I can get so much more of my work done and enjoy being present with others without the compulsion to stay in my room and cry over stressful scenarios I’ve made up in my mind.” —Lauren C., 24 

6. It might take some time to get used to the medication…

“The process of deciding whether or not to start using medication to treat my anxiety and depression was stressful, but my psychiatrist, therapist, and close friends reassured me that it was a valid option to take on, seeing as my condition was worsening earlier in the year. What held me back the most was being seen as weak or broken. I felt like it was my fault for making choices that led me to become ill. But with time, I began to accept the fact that it was just biology, like how diabetics take insulin shots to regulate their blood sugar…taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) would help regulate the chemicals in my brain too. Adjusting to the medication was difficult for me—I dealt with nausea, poor sleep, and stomach problems while getting used to it and changing my dosage. But ultimately, even though the process wasn’t easy, it was also easily one of the best decisions I made all year.” —Rachel H.*, 23, 

7. …And one day, you and your doc might decide to switch it up. 

“I started taking an antidepressant back in 2017 while I was dealing with an excessive amount of panic and anxiety attacks. At first, I was skeptical that a small pill could take away my anxiety attacks, which had been causing me so much stress in my life. I took it anyway, starting off at a low dose and having the dosage raised by a small amount every month. I had a negative experience when my dose reached a certain level, but eventually, my body adjusted. It took a few months to really feel the positive effects of this SSRI, but when I did, it significantly improved my mental health, albeit with the occasional depressive episode. Antidepressants affect everyone differently, and for the most part it truly helped ease the cloud of excessive panic and anxiety attacks that followed me around. I’ve since stopped taking medication after speaking with my provider.” —Nina B., 29 

8. You might have to make some sacrifices… 

“My Sunday scaries used to involve a weekly panic attack about going back to work and the upcoming week ahead. Post medication, I haven’t had any panic attacks and can rationalize that anxiety in a realistic manner without spiraling into a panic. My sex drive and motivation are shot, but my Sunday evenings are better.” —Sera T. 29

9. …But the benefits can be worth it.  

“I avoided getting medicated for potential ADHD for years because my parents didn’t want ‘yet another thing wrong about me.’ I eventually got diagnosed at 30, and since taking medication, I am SO much more productive and honest with people. Some people think medication is a trap that makes you weak. I would say it makes me a stronger person who wants to live their life.” —Rin B., 31

10. It could save your life. 

“I have been lucky in my experience with medications to treat my depression. In high school, I was suicidal, and my mom forced me to see a doctor, which I resented, but it undoubtedly saved my life. I had the fortunate experience of the first med I tried working for me. It took time to find the right dose, but I’ve been on it for a decade now and can’t imagine my life without it. I grew up in a very small town where I think there was likely a lot of mental health stigma, but I have always been very open about it, and I think that worked to my advantage as a teenager and into adulthood. I feel awful on the rare occasions I forget my meds, but, in general, they make me feel like the life I want to build is possible.” —Lexie N., 26

11. It can help you tick off that to-do list.  

“When I actually remember to take my [ADHD meds], I feel like I log back into reality. I have combined type ADHD (as well as autism), and I didn’t realize how much I mentally checked out to cope with the simultaneously buzzing and boring world around me. So much of my body suddenly switched on [the first time I took my meds], and I was finally capable of putting my mind to something and doing it.” —Gates H.*, 27

12. It doesn’t make you weak. 

“In January 2022, I took a leave of absence from grad school for my mental health and began taking psychiatric medications. I spun a harmful narrative about myself that taking a break meant I was less intelligent and capable. The stigma surrounding medications certainly contributed, given the stereotype that if you take meds, you lack ‘mental toughness.’ Now, I’m happy to share my experiences with meds and how they have helped me build stability and resilience.” —Paige T., 26

13. And life might become more vibrant.  

“In 2015, during a period of depression and anxiety, my doctor told me that the most effective treatment for anxiety and depression was talk therapy in tandem with medication, so I started off on a low dose of medication. It was incredibly affirming to be diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and depression because it suggested my pain wasn’t all in my head and was valid. Even so, I was so ashamed that they prescribed psychiatric medication. About two weeks after taking my meds, I felt a 180-degree shift in my mental state. I describe in my book how colors started looking brighter, music started to sound better, and I felt taller both physically and emotionally. Seven years later, I’m in the process of successfully tapering off, but I’ll always be grateful for the way medication rewired some of the chemistry in my brain in a way I wasn’t able to do on my own.” —Marissa M., 30

14. And you can dedicate more energy to other areas of your life.

“I was diagnosed with GAD and depression in late 2019. My psychiatrist placed me on medication as a form of treatment, but I felt the effects of my diagnoses long before then. After years of reducing my symptoms to a ‘personality trait,’ getting a psychiatric diagnosis, treatment, and validation led to what felt like an alteration in my worldview. My depressive symptoms and severe anxiety became much more manageable, and my medication gave me the opportunity to dedicate more time and energy to practicing other forms of mental health and wellness that enhanced the effects of my medication.” —Noelle S., 23 

15. High achievers can benefit from it too. 

“When I was 25, I was a thriving, high-achieving, successful student turned post-grad professional, but my anxiety was crippling me. My primary care doctor prescribed medication to treat generalized anxiety and depression, which at the time, sounded absolutely terrifying. I begrudgingly took my prescribed dosage, which initially felt like admitting ‘defeat.’ 

Once I [found the right dosage], I felt like the medication had finally taken the edge off of life that my brain chemistry so deeply wanted. I’m deeply fortunate that the first prescribed medication worked for me, as I know it can take frustrating trial and error to find what works best for you.” —Taylor O., 32

*Name has been changed. 

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 15 People Get Real About Mental Health Medication appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 02.06.25

7 Distractions That Make My Winter Anxiety More Bearable

Behold, Jake Shane’s guide to escapism. ByJake Shane

As the days grow shorter and the air becomes sharper, it’s only natural for many of us to feel mentally taxed. At least, I’ve always struggled with staying inside and slowing down in the winter. As someone with extreme anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I often ruminate on negative thoughts and let my anxiety win when I have too much time to think. 

It’s strange because, even when things begin to go well for me, winter somehow brings this sense of catastrophe I can’t escape. I begin to feel uncomfortable in my body, and all I want to do is sleep. It must be the cold air that begs me not to move my body, bringing me back to that sense of insecurity I had in high school.

While I take medication for my mental health symptoms, there’s only so much big pharma can do to save me from The Dark Ages (see: November through March). That’s why, over the years, I’ve come up with a few reliable ways to get relief from the negativity—or at least channel it into something else. 

Winter is always tough, but 2025 has been tougher than usual. So, if you’re in need of a little assist, feel free to borrow one of my strategies for coping. As with everything, this winter too will pass.

Throw yourself into a TV show.

It’s funny because I actually don’t know if bingeing a show and rotting on your couch is the healthiest way to go about seasonal depression. But, hey, if it works, it works. And, for me, it fucking works. 

When I find a TV show I love—especially in the winter—I completely immerse myself in that world. Last year, it was Girls. In case you missed it, the show follows four young women navigating their 20s in Brooklyn, New York. Between seasons one and six, I completely became the show. Even if it was just for brief 30-minute interludes, I forgot about the wallowing depression I was accustomed to during most Decembers. 

A few years back, my winter show was the German science fiction series called Dark (on Netflix).  I don’t even know how to explain the plot or why it was so incredible, but just please trust me and watch it. I would talk to an inanimate object about this show.

It’s not every year that a show becomes my personality. We can only be so lucky. But trying to find my next TV obsession has started to feel like playing the lottery this time of year. When I find one I like, and it has multiple seasons, it’s an adrenaline rush. 

Listen to a comfort album.

Ever since I was a kid, I always found solace in music. Though it wasn’t until the Covid winter of 2021 that music changed how I existed—especially amid my winter blues. Back then, I started walking and listening to Taylor Swift’s evermore album front to back. I learned that immersing myself in one of my favorite albums was a simple way to add more predictability to the darker months. I didn’t know what would happen to me tomorrow (anxiety fuel), but I knew that after “gold rush” came “‘tis the damn season.” That was more than enough. 

When you know an album from front to back you know that for the next however many minutes, you are transporting into another world entirely. Unlike a new show, in this one, you know what has happened, what is happening, and what’s next. That’s very soothing.

I’ve spent a lot of this winter thinking about how lonely I am (sorry), and immersing myself in one of my favorite albums (Ryan Beatty’s 2023 masterpiece, Calico) helps me pretend I am not. It’s an escape, even for a second.

If you’re looking for options, I’d suggest starting with Taylor Swift. I don’t even know if I need to explain why, but I will. Listening to Taylor’s work is like sitting in English class all over again—and I mean that in the best way possible. With 10 albums and 20 years of pure musical history, there’s always a line you’re missing or a melody you haven’t nuzzled your brain into yet.  

Also, being part of the Swifties is really fun. It’s a community full of easter eggs, which are always a joy to speculate on—even if they’re never correct.

Move your body.

I struggle with how I view my body, and I always have. In years past, my body dysmorphia grew so intense during the winter months that I could barely get out of bed—let alone work out. It got to the point where I was uncomfortable moving at all because I hated my body so much.

And I used to scoff at people who said working out was like medicine. I didn’t get it. However, I’ve since learned never to underestimate the power of moving my body. 

This year specifically, I’ve continued my warm-weather streak of working out. Without fail, every single time I do it, I feel better than before I started. Even if it’s just a walk. I’m grateful to myself for that. 

Become a cinephile.

With the Oscars coming in at the end of winter (March!), there’s no better time to catch up on movies. More specifically, the movies that made noise this past year. Similar to throwing yourself into a television show, movies provide a space to lose yourself—with much less commitment. 

Because one of my goals for 2025 is to be an intellectual, I like to watch these films as if I’m back in school, analyzing the details and hidden meanings. Again, it feels like I’m back in English class. 

Maybe you’re noticing a theme here. I think I always loved English class because, despite the weather, I could escape into art. Analyzing literature and media allowed me to enter worlds that were not my own. I could leave my body for a short while.  Plus, if I’m feeling outgoing, I can hop on Letterboxd, a social media platform for people to talk about movies with fellow cinephiles. That’s always enjoyable.

For example, I watched Anora the other night and have hyperfixated so much that Anora has become my entire personality. I’ve decided that I will personally fund Mikey Madison’s campaign for Best Actress at the Oscars. Is this productive at all? Probably not. Am I thinking about my looming depression over these next few months? Also no. 

Cook something.

As someone who has struggled with debilitating anxiety since I was young, cooking always provided a sense of relief. I was still anxious, but in a different way. I wasn’t anxious about my friends leaving me or my family getting sick, I was anxious about burning the chicken. Weirdly, this kind of anxiety made me feel better. While I’m cooking, I follow a recipe and finish with a satisfying result. 

If you can’t cook though, watch The Bear on Hulu. You’ll get that same anxious-about-cooking-and-nothing-else feeling without the mess. 

Sleep.

OK, it’s easy to overdo this one—and I do. But when the winter blues hit hard, just fucking sleep. Going to bed is one of the best feelings in the entire world, well, until my anxieties infiltrate my dreams. Still, when I wake up, I automatically feel better.  

What feels better than sleep at night? A fucking nap during the day. Pop a squat on the couch, put on the TV, put away your phone, and close your eyes. Waking up and realizing you fast-forwarded through an otherwise long day is another great feeling in the Dark Times.

Also, don’t feel bad about it. When you wake up, you’ll be refreshed and a few steps closer to warmer days. While it’s not the healthiest coping mechanism, sometimes it’s the only thing that works. 

Find gratitude.

This one seems hard, and it is. However, sometimes life forces you to do it. When I was in Los Angeles during the wildfires, I was in my normal selfish winter routine, and I was forced to look outward. While I had to evacuate, my house and loved ones were safe. I was grateful—a feeling I often forget to seek out.

This year I learned that practicing gratitude, no matter the situation, is always a grounding exercise. It’s one that helps us remember that, even at rock bottom, there’s something to love. 

The post 7 Distractions That Make My Winter Anxiety More Bearable appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 08.30.24

Do You Have Trust Issues or Are You Just Skeptical?

When you get sick of blaming your ex, read this. ByChristina Heiser

The concept of trust issues gets thrown around a lot these days—whether you’re referencing how hard it is to open up to new people, that you assume your takeout order is going to be wrong every single time, or the way you side-eye your spouse after watching a particularly chilling Dateline documentary. But there’s a difference between keeping your eye out for rational red flags and consistently assuming that everyone is going to let you down. The latter could be a sign of what the internet and your close friends call “trust issues.”

While “trust issues” isn’t a clinical term, the mental health experts we talked to confirmed that some people do have more persistent concerns with trusting others (for a variety of reasons we’ll get into in a second). These people might have a hard time opening up to friends, coworkers, and romantic partners. And they might just generally assume that people are going to let them down, says therapist Layne Baker, LMFT. 

But in a world where Tinder Swindlers and very public cheating scandals happen, where is the line between being rationally skeptical of people hurting you and having trust issues? Unfortunately, it’s not super clear! But, in general, when your distrust of people is pretty widespread (you assume everyone from your barista to your brother-in-law could do you dirty) and life-impairing (your relationships are suffering—if they ever even get off the ground), then it’s probably deeper than just keeping an eye out for red flags. 

If this is all sounding a little too real to you, keep reading to find out more about what causes trust issues and how to get past them. 

What causes trust issues? 

Again, it’s not a psychological term, but “trust issues” is, essentially, an umbrella term for patterns of distrust that might stem from a handful of different things. 

Sometimes that thing is your attachment style, says Baker. ICYMI, attachment theory suggests that how you felt in your earliest relationships influences the way you act in relationships throughout your life. 

As children, the grownups who look after us are our first experience of trust and safety, and they set the baseline for what we should expect from people close to us, explains Baker. So, in theory, if your physical and emotional needs are met, you learn to lean on your people and are more likely to develop a secure attachment style, explains therapist Jennine Estes Powell, LMFT, author of Help for High-Conflict Couples. But if that was not your experience growing up, then you could develop an insecure attachment style (like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment), says Baker. And if your attachment style isn’t super secure, you might have a hard time trusting that your needs are going to be met, which can really impact how you see and show up in the relationships around you, she explains. 

Trust issues can also be tied back to moments where your trust was literally shattered, says clinical psychologist and relationship coach Susan Trotter, PhD. Maybe your last long-term relationship ended in infidelity or your lifelong friend suddenly ghosted you. Any experience where someone lets you down in a big way can cause distrust in that relationship and future relationships, says Baker. 

Mental health conditions like posttraumatic stress disorder, can also shift how you view the world. If you develop PTSD after a trauma, you might feel like you can’t trust anyone ever again, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). Other diagnoses like anxiety or depression are also associated with more mistrust, according to Baker.

How do I know if I have trust issues? 

Again, you can’t really be diagnosed with ~trust issues~ because they’re not an official mental health thing. Still, there are some common signs that a distrustful world view is kind of a problem for you. 

“These things can be related to some of those childhood experiences that sort of baked in the notion that people don’t really care about you, that you’re not that interesting, that they’re just putting up with the fact that you’re in the room,” says Baker.

First, chronic distrust can make you think that people don’t really care about you. You might tell yourself that you’re not that interesting or that your friends or romantic pursuits are just putting up with you, says Baker. Say you have a partner who is showing interest in you. You might still question, “OK, but how much could they really like me?” 

You might also seek lots of validation to feel like your people genuinely care. That can look like constantly asking if they’re mad at you or still into you. You may even believe that you need to yell to get your needs met or shut down to take care of yourself, adds Estes Powell. Those are often coping mechanisms we pick up if we don’t trust that people will have our backs.

You could also have trouble being your full self—even around people you’re close with, adds Baker. When you don’t trust your partner, friends, or family, you might worry that being uninhibited will lead to being hurt or rejected. You could have the sense that you’re not respected or understood. 

Here are some other signs that difficulty trusting people is becoming an issue:

• You’re highly suspicious of someone (especially a friend, partner, or someone you’re dating) without any real evidence that they’re doing something wrong
• You feel anxious a lot of the time, as if you’re waiting for something to go wrong
• You remain emotionally detached as a way to protect yourself from the hurt you’re anticipating from close friends and partners
• You often feel jealous, needy, extremely sensitive or reactive

We should also acknowledge that sometimes, the reason you feel like you can’t trust someone is because they can’t be trusted. That’s not on you. The key to discerning between a “trust issue” and an untrustworthy person is assessing their consistency (do they reliably show up when they say they will?) and their accountability (do they own up to their mistakes when they happen?), says Baker. This little exercise can be very helpful if your trust issues make it hard for you to trust in your ability to trust, she adds.

If you find that they’re consistently inconsistent and rarely admit fault, those could be signs someone is untrustworthy, says Baker. “It’s really difficult to place trust in someone who doesn’t demonstrate the ability to self-govern with integrity and respect for you and for the relationship,” she explains. 

In that case, it’s time to do what you need to do to protect your peace—and that will truly vary from relationship to relationship, says Baker. “Everyone has a different tolerance for a lack of trust in someone.” 

If you’re not entirely ready to end the relationship, try asking questions that get to the root of why they’re behaving the way they are. Baker suggests starting the convo this way, “I noticed there’s this pattern where you cancel on me at the last minute. I’d love to know more about what’s going on for you in these moments.” You never know! Maybe it’s something that can be worked through, she says. 

Can I fix my trust issues? 

If those struggles above sound familiar and sketchy people aren’t to blame, know that you’re not doomed. Here’s how to tackle your trust issues and feel better about your relationships (all of ‘em).

1. Pay attention to what sets you off and respond with self-compassion.

Start to notice how you react when something triggered your distrust, says Baker. Say your partner or close friend didn’t text you back within an hour of your last message, and you immediately start spiraling about what they’re doing and whether they secretly hate you. Notice how extreme this reaction feels and whether that’s in line with what’s actually happening (people are busy!). “Typically, we go into a fight, flight, freeze, or appease reactions in these situations,” adds Estes Powell. “Those are indicators of something bigger going on.”

Instead of leaning into that default response, shift your focus to some positive self-talk. You can remind yourself that it’s not your fault you feel this way, but you can work to feel safe and secure now, says Baker. (These realistic affirmations are good inspo too.) 

2. Look for little glimmers of trust. 

You can build trust with people who have your back by finding moments where you actually feel safe with them. The key is to start looking for small ones and work your way up, says Baker. Maybe you trust that they’ll get your coffee order right when they go to pick it up for you. Even something that tiny is evidence that they got you. “When we start to seek out exceptions [to our limiting beliefs], no matter how small, it starts to build a sense of trust,” explains Baker. 

Over time, you might notice that they also were there for you when you vented about a hard day, and they listened without glancing at their phone or the TV. That’s huge! Basically, you’re proving to yourself that it is possible to overcome this thing you’ve had a hard time with in the past.

3. Let your people know what’s going on with you.

While it can be great to understand where your trust issues come from and work on it in your own head, actively working on it with your partner or close friends provides an opportunity to address the issue in the moment, Dr. Trotter adds. 

Of course, they’ll need to be aware of the experiences that led to your pattern of distrust—and be on-board with helping you. When you start feeling those skeptical responses bubble up, you can let them know. Then, they can pause what they’re doing and say, “It’s safe. I’m here for you. What do you need?” says Estes Powell.  

If they’re accessible, responsive, engaged, and show up in a loving, caring way, that’s a huge help, she adds.

4. Seek support from a third party.

Working with a therapist or a support group of peers going through the same thing can be helpful in overcoming trust issues. Both of these tools can help you feel validated in your experience, says Baker.

Plus, a therapist or peer group can give you tools and practices for what to do in the moment when your distrust flares up. “That’s something that’s going to take practice over time,” notes Baker. “It’s not a button you can just push.” 

Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix for overcoming trust issues because we have to unlearn the years of distrust, and that takes a lot of time, Baker says. Still, it is possible to overcome it in the long run. “Trust is nurtured over time, and the process of healing is not linear,” says Baker.

The post Do You Have Trust Issues or Are You Just Skeptical? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 08.06.24

8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today

It's possible that second cold brew betrayed you. ByAnna Borges

Have you ever been chilling—just minding your own business—when, out of nowhere, anxiety enters the chat? Despite there being no discernable stressor around, it hits you with a bang of sudden panic or creeps up with a sense of dread, sweaty palms, or any number of other fun anxiety symptoms that decide to come along for the ride this time.  

If you’re anything like me, you might start going through the checklist of common culprits: Is there a legit threat around? Something I forgot to be anxious about? A sense memory from that time I puked in front of everyone in fifth-grade gym class? And when you come up blank, you’re left wondering: OK, then why the heck am I freaking out?!

The good news: You’re not alone. The less-good news: There are so many possible anxiety triggers that can set you off at any given time. We checked in with some experts to find out why you might be anxious at this (or any other) moment. 

What does it mean to “trigger” anxiety, anyway? 

Well, first, it’s certainly possible that nothing in particular kicked off your anxiety response—disproportionate or seemingly baseless anxiety is often seen as the hallmark of certain anxiety disorders like general anxiety, social anxiety, or panic disorder. But, most of the time, anxiety pops up or worsens thanks to a specific trigger—some of which you might not even notice or think to connect to anxiety.

“Sometimes we experience something stressful and logically feel real anxiety as a result,” says Ellen Vora, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and author of The Anatomy of Anxiety. Think of common anxiety inducers like speaking in front of a large crowd, taking an important exam, or watching a scary movie. Then there are the less tangible but just as triggering culprits: our own thoughts! These usually come in the shape of cognitive distortions like catastrophizing, ruminating, and jumping to negative conclusions. No surprise if you get anxious when that happens, right?

Other times we get what Dr. Vora calls “false anxiety”—not because it’s any less valid, but because it’s not kicked off by anything conventionally anxiety-inducing. We’ll get into a ton of examples of this in a bit, but basically your body and brain are interpreting your current situation as something to get really freaking anxious about. Dr. Vora emphasizes that being aware of these less common triggers is crucial for tackling anxiety effectively, whether you have an anxiety condition or need help managing anxiety when it occasionally pops up.

Here are some of those lesser-known anxiety triggers to keep an eye out for. 

1. You downed too much caffeine.

OK, if you’re an avid caffeine consumer who also struggles with anxiety, you probably know on some level that the two aren’t exactly a match made in heaven. Consider how caffeine impacts your body: It stimulates your central nervous system, increases your heart rate, and can make you feel jittery and on edge. “When we’re over-caffeinated, the effects feel synonymous with what we call anxiety,” Dr. Vora explains. And, unfortunately, your mind isn’t always great at distinguishing between the two. Sometimes it feels those cold-brew flutters and just assumes the worst. 

As for how much caffeine is too much? The FDA cites 400 milligrams (or roughly four cups of coffee) a day as generally safe, but your personal line between appropriately caffeinated and just plain anxious might be below or above that. So it helps to pay attention to how you feel after slurping coffee, tea, soda, or the caffeine vehicle of your choice. 

“Taking moments to pause and notice, ‘I’m feeling extra restless and on edge—did I have too much caffeine today?’ is a really important piece of monitoring how caffeine affects you,” says Natasha Reynolds, MDiv, a psychotherapist with Bloom Psychology. “Maybe your morning cup is just fine but your afternoon pick-me-up pushes you over the edge.” 

2. You didn’t get enough sleep last night.

You might be used to anxiety and racing thoughts wrecking your sleep, but did you know it can be a two-way street? Sleep helps us function in a zillion different ways—recouping the mental resources we need to regulate our emotions, maintain cognitive function, and support our overall brain health, to name a few. So it’s no surprise that not getting enough sleep can be a recipe for increased anxiety throughout the day. 

“We have a limited reservoir of mental energy that gets depleted during the day and then it gets replenished at night while we sleep,” Dr. Vora says. “So if we’re not getting adequate sleep, we wake up and set out into the day with a limited capacity for executive function.” Meaning we might be way more susceptible to minor stressors that wouldn’t normally get under our skin. 

3. Your blood sugar is low.

Whether you skipped a meal or have a condition associated with hypoglycemia, low blood sugar can lead to symptoms that mimic anxiety, such as shaking, sweating, and irritability. Like a lot of body oddities, that’s by design. According to Dr. Vora, this response is meant to cue us to forage for food (evolutionarily speaking). “It’s a decent design—it just so happens to unfortunately feel the same as anxiety,” Dr. Vora says.  

As for clues your blood sugar is to blame and not some other possible trigger? “If I have a patient who identifies with a feeling of hanger, that’s a pretty good sign that they might also experience anxiety when their blood sugar crashes,” Dr. Vora says. If you’re wondering if low blood sugar might be contributing to your anxiety, Dr. Vora recommends talking to a medical professional about it—whether that’s a primary care provider you trust, a registered dietician, or a holistic psychiatrist like her. 

4 You’re dehydrated. 

Another way you can leave your body extra susceptible to anxiety? Not watering it enough. I know, we really are just complicated plants. But it’s true—dehydration can cause symptoms like dizziness, heart palpitations, and headaches, which can be mistaken for anxiety or make existing anxiety worse, says Dr. Vora.

“A lot of my patients will have a panic attack in a setting like the subway and think, I’m scared of crowded places or being underground,” says Dr. Vora. “In reality, they’ve been standing on a hot subway platform for way too long and aren’t properly hydrated, so their heart starts to race in order to keep pumping enough blood to their brain, and suddenly, their body is back in a stress response.” Even if you do find certain scenarios nerve-wracking, Dr. Vora says staying hydrated is another tool for keeping your body calm and preventing unnecessary anxiety.

5. You’re hungover.

Hangxiety—that overwhelming feeling of dread and worry that hits the day after drinking—can be equal parts physical and emotional. For one, drinking can screw with your sleep, dehydrate you, and mess with your blood sugar levels, so the excess anxiety from the previous three points usually applies here, too, says Dr. Vora. Plus, as we previously reported, there’s a whole booze-fueled shift in neurotransmitters to blame for those morning-after mind games.  

And you might just wake up feeling extra regretful or anxious about what you might have said or done while intoxicated. “There’s often a lot of social anxiety as you reflect back on the night,” Reynolds says. “You’re feeling vulnerable, wondering, Did I do something wrong? Was I more talkative than usual? Should I be embarrassed?” It’s not hard to guess how your hungover brain would take that and run into full-on post-social scaries.

6. Your environment is overstimulating. 

We all have different tolerances for sensory input, whether you get frazzled in loud, crowded, or visually chaotic environments or can’t stand specific sights, sounds, textures, smells, or tastes. “Sometimes, when there’s all this input from different places, you can fall into a state of sensory overload,” Reynolds says, noting how many people describe feeling overstimulated as similar to anxiety. The feeling often lingers too. “You might get home from a really overstimulating day at work and wonder why your heart is still racing and you can’t seem to wind down.” 

You might be more sensitive to sensory triggers and the ensuing anxiety for a few reasons. Maybe your body isn’t up to the task of filtering thanks to another culprit on this list (say, lack of sleep or low blood sugar). Other conditions like ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, and PTSD have been shown to increase your sensitivity to sensory input and exacerbate anxiety too.

7. You’re scrollin’ and scrollin’ and scrollin’. 

You’ve probably noticed that the tiny device in your hand can stress you out—especially when it’s serving up the latest dread-inducing headlines. But it’s not just the content that can make you anxious as you scroll. 

Blue light exposure after sunset is associated with (you guessed it) poor sleep, as well as a feeling of alertness and arousal. The latter isn’t always a bad thing, but as with other things on the list, our body is sometimes quick to translate the sensation as anxiety, Dr. Vora says. So, while it might feel like a harmless habit, scrolling through social media late at night can set off a chain reaction that heightens physical symptoms of anxiety and disrupts your overall well-being.

8. You’ve picked up on some other unconscious cue. 

When you hear the word “trigger,” you might think of highly specific and personal things that are hard to sum up on a list like this—like smells that take you back to a time you feared for your safety, someone’s uncanny demeanor that flips your fight-or-flight switch, or some other deep sense memory that’s associated with something not great. 

In the moment, you’re not always aware of what’s vaulted you back to a stress-inducing time in the past—but you might recognize, “Hey, I’ve felt this way before,” says Reynolds. “No matter how our past traumas get triggered, it leaves us vulnerable to anxiety,” Reynolds says. Even if you can’t stop the wave of anxiety that follows, awareness still helps, she says. Being mindful of your sensitivities can, at the very least, keep you from getting caught off guard when the anxiety hits. 

The bottom line:

Anxious feelings don’t always show up with a clear and obvious explanation. Sometimes the cause is more subtle or personal because, well, bodies are weird. So if you notice your anxiety revving up unexpectedly, do a little investigating. Once you know what sets your anxiety off, Reynolds says, you can learn how to avoid it. 

That’s not to say the lesson here is to avoid all the triggers. “Identifying the seemingly benign aspects of our modern lives that create anxiety allows us to make informed choices,” Dr. Vora says. Maybe you skip that second cold brew or pay more attention to your sleep and alcohol intake if these things tend to set an anxious spiral into motion. “There are no rules about what we do with this information, but we deserve to know how they’re impacting our anxiety levels.”

The post 8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 07.11.24

31 Things Everyone With Anxiety Can Relate To

Unclench your jaw and dive in. ByAnna Borges

Having anxiety can feel like playing life on hard mode, where you’re constantly interpreting mundane events through panic-colored glasses. You are the queen of catastrophizing, a pro in overthinking, and your imagination for nightmarish “what if” scenarios truly knows no bounds. Basically, you could host a Ted Talk on what anxiety feels like—with zero prep work.

If this is all sounding pretty familiar to you so far, then you’ll probably relate to this list of common anxiety experiences. OK, maybe everything on this list won’t resonate with everyone since we all experience anxiety differently. Not only are there different conditions like generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and panic disorder, but we’re all unique humans whose anxiety manifests differently. IDK about you, but my anxiety changes flavor all the time, both over the years and even day to day. 

Still, chances are you’ve stumbled upon at least a few of these classic Anxious People Problems. So take a drink—er, I mean, deep cleansing breath, sip of water, or some other positive coping strategy—for every struggle that makes you say, Ugh, same.   

Just a bunch of experiences that perfectly sum up what anxiety feels like:

1. Assuming someone is either 1) dead or 2) mad at you whenever they don’t respond to your text.
2. Constantly catching yourself clenching your jaw or tensing your shoulders randomly throughout the day.
3. Convincing yourself you’re about to be fired whenever your boss sends an innocuous, “Hey, time to chat?”
4. Knowing caffeine makes your anxiety worse…but throwing gasoline on the fire by slurping down coffee anyway.
5. …Probably because you’re exhausted after staying up all night replaying every embarrassing thing you ever said and did.
6. Oscillating between your Fear of Missing Out and your Fear of Going Out whenever you get an invite.
7. Making a decision and immediately doubting it…then doubting your doubt, no matter how much you thought things through.
8. Getting an alert from your Apple Watch to log this heart-pumping workout, but you’re just…panicking.
9. Sheer disbelief at anyone who buys non-refundable tickets to anything (what if something happens?!).
10. Scrutinizing the punctuation choice in every text you send (was that period too harsh?!) or receive (WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT PERIOD?).
11. Wondering weekly if that new random symptom is the one that’s going to take you out (and convincing yourself yep, yep it is after an hour of Googling).
12. Overthinking your response to a simple “How are you?” because what if you say the wrong thing? And how are you anyway???
13. Politely smiling and nodding when people without anxiety swear meditation and deep breathing will cure you.
14. And fighting the urge to fight anyone who tells you to “just relax.”
15. Procrastinating and stressing about a problem that could easily be solved by a single phone call.
16. Convincing yourself you’re about to be the protagonist in everyone’s gossip the moment you leave the room.
17. Struggling to focus on tasks because your mind is too busy creating fictional disasters.
18. And just straight up earning the gold medal in Highly Imaginative and Improbable What Ifs (that you then convince yourself will for sure happen).
19. Always needing to know the plan so you can mentally prepare for everything—like how you’ll get there, who you’ll talk to, etc. etc. Uncertainty is chaos!
20. Dealing with post-drinking hanxiety on top of your usual hangover, because you’re sure you did or said something humiliating, even if everyone assures you that you didn’t!!!
21. Choosing your outfits before an anxiety-inducing event based on what will best cover up all the sweat.
22. The anxiety poops. Enough said.
23. The conviction that you 100% left the stove on/keys behind/water running, even if you double (and triple) checked before you left.
24. Preparing a mental script no matter the situation—and stumbling over your words anyway.
25. Serving as the unofficial meteorologist in your friend group because you’ve checked the forecast 20 times just in case.
26. Escaping for plenty of bathroom and water breaks to ground yourself. (You just need a sec, OK?)
27. Knowing full well that your anxiety is irrational but still not being able to ignore it completely.
28. Catastrophizing around even the smallest scenarios, because of course that silly mistake you made is going to Ruin Your Life.
29. Spending more time replaying the past or fretting about the future than enjoying the present.
30. Constantly debating with yourself: Is this my anxiety or my intuition talking?
31. And, finally, feeling highly suspicious about the rare times you’re not anxious. And then getting anxious about that instead. Because of course.

The post 31 Things Everyone With Anxiety Can Relate To appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 06.27.24

How to Tell If You’re Ruminating—and How to Stop

Shut it down. ByLauren Del Turco

If you’re reading this right now (hi, welcome), chances are you know what it feels like to get trapped on an endless merry-go-round of negative thoughts. Maybe you missed a work deadline, got too honest with a friend, or experienced a trauma. Now, here you are thinking about it over and over—even though you would very much like to get off this ride right now, please. 

This experience is called rumination, or your brain’s obsessive replay of something pretty damn distressing. While it can be obnoxious and all-consuming, ruminating is actually a pretty common experience. Even so, ruminating can kill your mood, wreck your sleep, and impact your ability to get through the day. 

If you can relate, we spoke to mental health pros who explained more about what ruminating is, why it happens, and what to do about it.  

What does ruminating mean?

Think of ruminating as your mind on a hamster wheel, constantly rehashing some stressful or worrisome moment, and—despite all this mental energy you’re spending on it—you’re getting absolutely nowhere. More specifically, ruminating is a kind of obsessional thinking where you have excessive or repetitive thoughts that get in the way of other mental processes, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). 

What makes rumination different from anxiety thought spirals, catastrophizing, and worst-case-scenario thinking is that it centers on a real issue or a rational thought that you just can’t stop mulling over (like your partner did cheat on you or you did make a passive aggressive comment in that team meeting), explains clinical psychologist Alyssa Faro, PhD, director of clinical services for the OCD Institute for Children and Adolescents. 

Here are a few other signs that you’re ruminating, according to Dr. Faro. 

• The thing you can’t stop thinking about occurred in the past (it’s not a requirement, but it’s typical of rumination).
• That emotion, experience, or worry is negative.
• Thinking about it makes you feel worse but it’s hard to stop and distracts you from other important mental tasks or processes (like making your grocery list or getting a work assignment done).

While it makes sense that distressing situations, thoughts, or emotions take up significant mental real estate, dwelling on something all day every day without ever figuring out what to do next is what makes rumination so distracting and disruptive, explains therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “Unlike problem-solving, which is goal-oriented, rumination is often circular and unproductive, leading to increased feelings of anxiety and depression.” It’s also a common feature of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and generalized anxiety disorder, per the APA, and it’s listed as a symptom of major depressive disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR).

Why does ruminating happen?

While it is associated with certain mental health conditions, you don’t need to have one of those to experience rumination. Literally anyone can ruminate. 

Generally speaking, when the going gets tough, it’s easy—and common—for all of us to get stuck on the rumination train. Some of the most common triggers for ruminating are significant life changes (like a breakup), personal setbacks (getting laid off at work), or general stress (a parent getting sick), says Estrin. And, in her experience, the more you ruminate, the more you’ll continue to ruminate, notes Dr. Faro. It’s one of those vicious cycles.

Annoying as it is, ruminating is just one way your brain attempts to cope with a sucky situation. In a weird way, it can feel productive to think about a situation over and over again, explains Dr. Faro. Of course, as we said earlier, when you ruminate, you’re not actually solving a problem (like apologizing for the shade you threw to your colleague) or gaining clarity on why it happened. In fact, ruminating could be a way to avoid taking action (even if that avoidance is subconscious), she adds. The more time you devote to dwelling on this thing, the less time you have to do something about it.

How to stop ruminating

Catching yourself on this endless loop is the first step, here’s what to do next.

1. Do something (anything) else.

Rumination takes a lot of focus, so one way to snap out of it is to engage in an activity that requires even more concentration, suggests Dr. Faro. Pretty much anything goes here. Call a friend to talk about the latest episode of Bridgerton, knit, play tug-of-war with your ever-enthusiastic dog, do a crossword puzzle, play a video game, attempt to bake sourdough. Literally anything is fair game, as long as it helps you get present and focus on something outside your brain.

2. Breathe (like this).

To squash the round-and-round thinking without moving an inch, try some breathwork, suggests Estrin. Her method of choice:

• Inhale slowly for a count of four, feeling your abdomen expand. 
• Hold your breath at the top for a count of four.
• Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six, feeling your abdomen contract.
• Repeat for five to 10 minutes, and return your focus to your breath as needed afterward (you don’t have to do another full five minutes).

3. Feel into your senses.

Another way to shift your focus is using your body to ground into the present moment, says Estrin. Here’s how:

• Look around and identify five things you can see. Notice the details, including colors, shapes, and textures.
• Find four things you can touch. Focus on the texture and feel of each item, describing the sensations in your mind.
• Listen for three sounds. It might be the hum of the air conditioner, birds chirping, or distant traffic. Pay attention to their pitches and rhythm.
• Identify two things you can smell. This might be the scent of your coffee, fresh flowers, or your co-workers lunch. 
• Focus on one thing you can taste. It could be a sip of water, a mint, or the lingering taste in your mouth. Describe it to yourself.

4. Enlist endorphins. 

Assuming you’re not lying in bed trying to sleep (but also, maybe even if you are), a little exercise can redirect your focus and boost your mood when you’re thought-spiraling. Endorphins FTW! Estrin recommends running, swimming, yoga, or a walk outside to clear your head—but a Beyoncé dance party could definitely check this box too.

5. Know your rumination triggers.

The best way to prevent rumination from happening in the first place is to make a list of when it normally hits, says Dr. Faro. From there, you can switch up your routine to keep your mind quiet. For example, if bedtime typically involves roasting yourself for an hour before finally falling asleep, try listening to a guided sleep meditation (or anything that distracts you) as soon as you lay down. If ruminating the morning after a night out with friends feels unavoidable, book an a.m. workout or pick out a movie to take your mind off the usual regret fest in your brain.

6. Find some help.

If ruminating holds you back from living your best life, makes you feel depressed, or seems like it might be a symptom of an undiagnosed mental health condition, consider finding a mental health pro. They can diagnose any underlying issue and help you learn coping skills to deal with rumination when it strikes—and hopefully prevent it from happening in the first place.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one modality therapists often use to help clients dealing with this specific issue. With this kind of therapy, you’ll focus on how to  challenge negative thought patterns and develop healthier ones. Through this process, Estrin explains, you’ll work to recognize negative thoughts that throw you off, question how legit they are, create more balanced thoughts to replace them, and monitor how those swaps impact your mood and daily life. Over time, those rumination spirals should become less and less frequent.

The post How to Tell If You’re Ruminating—and How to Stop appeared first on Wondermind.

Essay Link Copied 06.14.24

I’m a Personal Trainer With Millions of Followers and No One Knew I Was Struggling With Disordered Eating

Not even me. ByKelsey Wells

The first thing I became self-conscious of was cellulite. The fact that I hardly had any didn’t matter. That’s the thing about body image or disordered eating struggles—it often has very little to do with what you look like and everything to do with the amount of mental space it takes up. 

That was how my body-related negative self-talk started, but intrusive thoughts about food and my body followed me for most of my adult life. From my college dorm days to my career as a fitness content creator and trainer, scrutinizing my appearance became my default. While the severity ebbed and flowed, the disordered ideas and habits often came back.

After speaking to a therapist and doing my own research, I’ve learned that I was struggling with various forms of disordered eating since freshman year of college. At times, that merged into an actual eating disorder as distorted ideas about my body and food consumed most of my waking thoughts. 

Whether you’re dealing with the same thing or know someone who is, hearing from others who’ve been there might help you feel more hopeful or less alone. With that in mind, here are some of the surprising truths I discovered along this journey and what they taught me about mental health, healing, and my relationship to my body. 

Diet culture is a bitch.

We aren’t born into this life hating our bodies or feeling like we’re not enough. Self-loathing is learned. Growing up, I felt free and confident in my body. I never thought about what I put in my mouth until I overheard some girls criticizing me before a high school dance. 

After that, I became hyper-aware of what I looked like and wanted to become a smaller version of myself. But it wasn’t until college that I acted on those thoughts. Freshman year, there were a ton of changes happening in my life—positive changes like my sister getting engaged, moving out on my own, starting college, and falling madly in love for the first time—but my body couldn’t tell the difference between good and bad changes. It just felt stressed.  

That stress impacted my appetite. I felt sick when I didn’t eat and even worse when I did. After months of this, I lost a significant amount of weight and my parents asked me to see a doctor. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. That anxiety was what caused my stomach to produce extra acid and triggered severe irritable bowel syndrome. 

When I became smaller, people started commenting, which made me feel good. So, not long after getting a prescription for medicine that made my stomach feel better, I quit taking it. That was the first time I chose disordered eating over my health. 

Commentary on how I looked seriously influenced how I thought about my body, but I can’t completely blame my bullies or friends for the things they said. They were also victims of diet culture and a societal norm that made it OK to judge my body—and their own. We were all under the same influence of restriction. We thought it was normal to hate the way we looked and to be preoccupied with trying to change it.

At that point, I didn’t know these thoughts and obsessions with my body were symptoms of actual mental health issues—conditions that I didn’t realize I was likely dealing with until more than a decade later. They were also exacerbated by a culture that makes money when we hate ourselves. If I truly understood that, maybe I wouldn’t have gone so far down this path—or started down it in the first place. 

A need for control fueled my disordered eating.

While diet culture and bullying triggered me to fixate on my size, my disordered behaviors were also propelled by feeling out of control. 

As a kid, I experienced various forms of scrupulosity, or what the American Psychological Association describes as, “an obsession with moral or religious issues (e.g., a preoccupation that one may commit a sin and go to hell) that results in compulsive moral or religious observance and that is highly distressing.” It’s also associated with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), both of which can involve perfectionism. I was never diagnosed with OCD or scrupulosity as a kid, probably because in my Mormon church I was counseled that my struggles stemmed from Satan attempting to influence my mind. To fight back, I was encouraged to stay righteous and memorize more scriptures. 

My intense fears and rigid habits affected me to various degrees throughout my adolescence. But after graduating high school, I met my then-boyfriend (now husband) Ryan, and my mental health flourished. Unfortunately, when he left to serve a two-year mission in Mexico on behalf of the Mormon church, the stress and loneliness triggered those symptoms I hadn’t dealt with in years. 

This time, my scrupulosity reached a new high and intersected with my disordered eating. In addition to engaging in intense daily rituals and constant praying like I did when I was little, I tried to prove my worthiness to God by controlling what I ate. I believed that using discipline to control my eating kept Ryan safe and secured our eternal salvation. 

While that might sound like a super specific trigger for disordered eating, researchers agree that a need for control is one of many factors that can contribute to eating disorders.

Disordered eating thrives in isolation. 

As my scrupulosity ramped up and I attempted to control it with prayer and religious perfectionism, I became extremely isolated. Though I was living in a tiny space with six roommates, I never felt or spent more time alone than the two years Ryan was gone.

I spent the majority of my days afraid of evil or consumed by thoughts of becoming smaller. It was like living with a weight on my chest that threatened to bury me. I never reached out for mental health help because I genuinely didn’t think I needed it. If I was super depressed for days or had a panic attack, I turned to the church and asked for a blessing.

Meanwhile, my roommates put “motivational” quotes on the fridge and in the cabinets, using diet culture rhetoric to justify restrictive diets. So no one really seemed to notice that I was channeling my obsessive energy into dieting. And I didn’t reach out to my roommates, friends, or family for support either. Instead, I smiled. I served the church obsessively. 

Thankfully, when Ryan got back from his mission, my mission to please God felt complete. I didn’t feel the need for extreme restriction anymore. Six weeks after he came home, we were married in the temple. We spent so much time together. I felt supported, seen, and safe for the first time in years. 

Out of isolation (and away from people who saw my behavior as normal), my disordered eating and scrupulosity symptoms started to subside. I still compared my looks to others, used exercise to punish my body, and sometimes skipped meals when Ryan wasn’t around, but the rituals of perfectionism didn’t consume me like they used to.

Healing isn’t linear.

The three and a half years after I got married were the healthiest of my adult life up to that point, but when I got pregnant unexpectedly things changed. I was terrified of gaining weight, so I ate as healthy as possible for a few weeks before realizing it wasn’t sustainable. Gaining weight was inevitable, so I set it aside as a problem for future me. Still, I felt a lot of shame around eating in a way most people would call normal.

After having my son, I was so distracted by my perceived flaws that I missed the miracle of growing life in my body. I remember catching a glance of myself naked in the mirror and seeing my greatest fear; I couldn’t recognize myself. Bonus: I was slipping into severe postpartum anxiety, bringing me to a new mental low.

At my six-week postpartum checkup, I filled out a mental health questionnaire. I tried to answer the questions in a way that made it seem like I was doing great, but my doctor caught on. I started sobbing and she recommended I find a therapist or psychiatrist or both to help, but I refused. I was still a devout Mormon and thought I should be able to pray my symptoms away. I asked for other options and my doctor suggested I try exercising to ease the anxiety. If that didn’t work by my next appointment, we’d have to try something else. 

That was the very first time I started exercising in an effort to help myself heal instead of out of hate for my body. I started by simply pushing my son around the block in his stroller each day. I was surprised how quickly I started to feel better. My days felt manageable.

The next time I met with my doctor, she said she recognized a positive change in me, and that motivated me to keep going. 

Exercise alone isn’t enough. 

Eventually those mental health walks turned into strength training, and I started working toward physical accomplishments that had nothing to do with what I looked like. I wanted to heal my physical body and I wanted to be strong. I noticed my anxiety continued to subside and the negative thoughts about my body became less intense. Yes, I was losing weight too, and, yes, exercise can be part of disordered eating or eating disorders. But during this part of my life, physical transformation and mental transformation happened in parallel.

To be fair, I can’t say whether I would have felt the same if my body never changed postpartum. There’s no way for me to know that. What I do know is that I was way smaller in college and never had the confidence or sense of self-love that I did just months after giving birth. This was the first time I understood that the motive for movement matters the most.

But that’s not to say that exercise magically healed my disordered eating. I was doing the mental and emotional work too. After I started moving my body for the sake of my mental health, I realized I deserved to speak to and view myself kindly. I began by spending time just looking at myself naked in the mirror while repeating positive affirmations. 

I also fought back against negative self-talk. Ryan wanted to support me on my journey and suggested that if I said something negative about myself, I could follow it up with three positive things. I was hesitant but agreed and was amazed by how much it helped. The more it worked, the more I wanted to keep it up. I was slowly building my mental health toolkit.

Right after my son turned 1, I discovered the Mormon church was not what I thought it was, and I suffered an extreme loss of identity. This remains the most excruciating and informative period of my life. 

While I was struggling deeply, the small habits I’d implemented in the last year became my saving grace. Exercising for empowerment and positive self-talk felt like a tether back to myself.

Also, I claimed the freedom to express my body differently in clothes that would’ve been frowned upon (to put it extremely kindly) in the Mormon community. I felt ownership over my body, unashamed, and empowered in ways I’d never felt before. 

Even though I was going through hell in other ways, my disordered eating and distorted body image were healthier than ever.

You really never know what someone else is going through. 

During my faith transition, I started a fitness Instagram account. I was desperate to find a safe space to show up as myself and connect with like-minded women who wouldn’t judge me based on my religious background.

I was more vulnerable and open than I ever thought I would be. I talked about exercising for empowerment and how it changed my life for the better. I wanted to be the voice that I didn’t have postpartum. It became a creative outlet where I could be my authentic self. 

Soon after, I became a certified personal trainer. Over the next few years, the account grew to hundreds of thousands and then millions of followers and—along the way—I signed with Sweat to bring my fitness programs to life on the Sweat app. I felt amazing and wanted to help people see that working out can be great for our mental health. 

But once I became a fitness professional and my platforms continued to grow, I started putting too much pressure on myself. The disordered thoughts started creeping in: Who the fuck was I to be a trainer with such a large platform if I’m not in peak shape? If I don’t look exceptionally fit, women won’t trust me and the industry won’t respect me. 

It didn’t help that control had always been one of my biggest coping mechanisms, and I was under a lot of pressure. I had this big new career and I didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t see it at the time, but in hindsight some of the very tools that I used to fortify my physical and mental health (like eating healthy and exercising regularly) I began taking to an extreme.

Self-awareness and self-acceptance were the missing pieces.

When I got really sick with Covid in October of 2020, I had an epiphany. I came across a picture of myself from a big photo shoot in 2018, and memories flooded my mind. The version of me in that photo was so hard on herself and did not see herself clearly. I realized my extreme discipline had morphed into a new form of disordered eating.

Lying in bed with my phone, I broke down. I was overcome with sadness. My platform was built on self-love and using exercise for empowerment—in that moment I felt like a hypocrite.

With this new awareness, I was able to accept that I was struggling again. That enabled me to consciously bring my mental and emotional health back to the forefront. 

I refocused on the positive habits I learned postpartum, like meditating, gratitude journaling, writing poetry, and (most importantly) exercising with positive intent. I leaned on my husband instead of isolating. My mental health toolkit also grew to include talking to a coach, learning breathwork techniques, and energy healing.

There are still days I wake up picking myself apart, but those are the exception instead of the norm. Rather than focusing on how I look and how often I exercise, I now pour my discipline into living a present and authentic life. This mindset requires that my mental health always comes first. 

For a long time I felt shame around these parts of my story, but now I’m proud of every past version of myself. Looking back, I feel an abundance of gratitude for every part of my journey because it brought me here today. Whether you relate or your struggles look different, you always have the power to change your life for the better through self-awareness, self-acceptance, and intentional action (aka self-love).

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