Essay Link Copied 10.18.24

Adult Playdates Are the Secret to Happiness

Here's how it changed my friendships—and my life—for the better. ByJemma Sbeg

When was the last time you felt completely happy and carefree? A year ago when I tried to answer this question, I couldn’t even remember. 

Surely there had to be something? As I ran through my recent memories, I encountered a scary realization: The only time I ever saw my friends was when we were grabbing dinner or drinking. Sure, there was the occasional movie or picnic, but it felt like the space for play and being unproductively social within my adult friendships had been filled up by more pressing things. 

I have the fondest memories of growing up in Queensland, Australia. I think about running down to the creek bed with my cousins to make mud patties, playing tag through the bush in my grandparents backyard with my friends, the treehouse where we would play house and take turns pretending to come home from work. The hours would swim past us without a single thought in our brains other than, Must have more fun. It was delightful. 

There is this developmental and social shift that occurs when we enter life stages that are no longer effortlessly social. Maybe it was when you became a teenager and “playing” morphed into “hanging out.” Or maybe it hit in your early 20s, when life became restricted by responsibilities. As we grow up, we get busier, burned out, and stressed.

At least, that was my experience. Up until recently, my adult friendships had become the social equivalent of a microwave meal: convenient, minimal effort, and satisfying enough. They lacked the depth and nourishment of true connection.

Even though I was efficiently checking my friendship to-do list, I was lonely. I’d see a friend a couple times a week, check in via text or DM, and grab dinner once a fortnight. Still, I wasn’t having the kind of meaningful experiences that make lifelong memories. Most of our time together was centred on crossing the catch up off of our agenda.

So I decided to do an experiment. For two weeks, there would be no dinners, no drinks, no hangouts watching TV—only adult playdates. The activities would have to be something we could do together. It had to be A) fun, B) unproductive, C) engaging, and D) require some mental commitment. The fine print: The playdate could not involve alcohol, it could not be described as a chore (like running errands together), and it could not be something we would be doing otherwise (like going to the gym). 

So I made a list of 15 things I loved doing with my friends as a child. That included playing tag, making bracelets, Legos, Wii sports, going to the trampoline park, tennis, playing in the ocean, baking, game nights, and scavenger hunts. 

Notably, these did need some modernizing and maturing. If I invited my friends to come play mermaids on a Wednesday night after they’d worked a 12-hour shift in the intensive care unit or had been in court all day, they would not be enticed. So, I tweaked my bucket list of activities to be less time and energy consuming—then I started reaching out. 

While my guidelines were clear, I didn’t call it a playdate out loud. There was a part of this that felt embarrassing, and I didn’t want any awkwardness to overshadow the point of pointless fun. 

I began with my friend Steph. I asked if she wanted to go to the zoo on Saturday instead of doing drinks. She said yes! The next week, I invited my friends Kate and Phoebe to stay in on a Saturday and make clay figurines while watching childhood movies. Then, rather than going out for dinner, I did a Lego set with my boyfriend.

The list goes on: I hosted a big game night with some of my closest friends. I played tag with my adult cousins who were visiting. I planned long group hikes without our phones. Those two weeks of exploring, imagining, creating, and, of course, playing went fast.

But I did encounter some snags in my grand plan to transform my friendships and to not feel lonely. There were certain people I didn’t feel comfortable asking to play in this way: work friends, new friends, acquaintances. Maybe it’s just me, but I needed a level of pre-existing intimacy for this kind of interaction to work its magic. Playdates based on a joint fun activity just went more smoothly with people I already knew well and trusted. 

There were still a few people who looked at me a bit funny. I could tell they were thinking, You want to do what with me? But, even with those moments of awkwardness, dedicating off-hours time to group play enabled me to recapture the joy that comes from pointless fun with friends. 

If this particular brand of happiness sounds like something that’s missing in your life, here are a few reasons why I think you should add more playdates to your calendar. 

It makes mindfulness more fun.

Being playful put me in touch with a part of myself I’d forgotten, the part of me that was allowed to detach and just be present. I found myself locked in a flow state, consumed by the activity and my friends’ company, not noticing the hours go by. 

The activities also unlocked more of my senses. There were new sights, new smells, and new sensations. I was using my hands in ways other than typing at a computer. And I felt so present molding something out of clay, building things, painting, being in nature, and laughing and talking with friends.  

Yes, play can seem like a waste of time, silly, or unproductive. But that’s the whole point. So much about our adult lives is outcome oriented. Riding your bike to get somewhere, cooking to feed yourself, grabbing drinks with coworkers to network. But play is a way of deliberately bringing about joy, without that joy being attached to some specific goal. It’s fun for the sake of fun.

What’s more human than doing something for pure pleasure and enjoyment, alongside those we care about? 

It’s made me rethink what friendship looks like.

I have fun, sacred memories of running around as a child, playing with friends and family. But I was also incredibly isolated as a kid. I experienced bullying for a lot of my childhood, ate lunch in the library, would wander around the playground looking for someone to play with and hoping no one noticed how lonely I looked. 

There was a group of girls I desperately wanted to be friends with. They played Harry Potter at lunchtime, but they would only invite me to be Voldemort, the villain, and to chase them around. They would steal my bag, hide my lunch, and exclude me. 

I still remember how much that stung. As an adult, that experience left me terrified of being ostracised. So I’d pack my schedule with plans every night I could. I collected friends like prizes because I thought it would protect me. In that process, I forgot that the quality of our friends and the time we spend with them matters too.

By embracing play in adulthood, I feel like I’ve healed that childhood version of me. I let her be seen, slow down, connect, and have the experiences that were out of reach. Because of that, I could stop panicking about the state of my relationships, quit collecting, and just be. 

Play brought me outside.

When I started organizing adult playdates, those activities took place outdoors in nature more often than not. It sounds so silly but sometimes the secret to happiness is just reminding yourself of things you’ve known all along, like that spending time outside feels good! I could think more clearly and I felt less anxious at the end of the day. It also seemed like I had more hours in my week because I was changing up my environment all the time. 

Being out in the fresh air had an incredibly positive impact on my mental health. It got me excited to be active with my friends, rather than scrolling alone and sending my friends funny TikToks. 

It’s deepened my friendships.

Suggesting activities rather than just catch ups or coffee became the new status quo for me and my friends—and it changed our relationships for the better. One day I was sitting at the beach with my friend Kate, who I’ve known since I was 17. We were playing a card game after swimming in the ocean, sharing stories back and forth that neither of us had heard before. I looked at her and realized that, in all this time, we’d never gotten this deep. We were sharing core memories, foundational parts of who we were. Because we were spending time in an imaginative, creative, and active way, it got us thinking outside the box. It resurfaced old memories, as if our brains were suddenly flooded with a new energy that re-enlightened old parts of ourselves. 

Suddenly, my friendships took on a whole new color. There was more laughter, vulnerability, intimacy, and more connection. Who would have thought that after all this time, playing with friends had created the adult friendships I’d always dreamed of?

The post Adult Playdates Are the Secret to Happiness appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 07.08.24

How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything

Free joy available here while supplies last! ByLauren Del Turco

When you’re feeling lost or frustrated or stuck (or all of the above), it can be hard to find joy in life. Sometimes life sucks and that’s just where you’re at—whether your job is going nowhere, your dating life is laughable, or you’re reeling from setback after setback. When this happens, it can feel like there’s no possible way to get happy again. 

First of all, that scenario is totally normal. Garbage, but normal. In fact, our brains are pretty much wired to latch onto negative information, according to positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, MD, author of Everyday Vitality. At some point, this may have been helpful to our ancestors, who needed to be on edge about lions or extra concerned about fitting in to avoid banishment from their clan—but it’s definitely less than ideal when you’re just trying to get through the day without hating where you are in life.

And, second, the currently awful state of affairs in your life likely isn’t going to be your forever reality. It might be hard to believe right now, but you can baby-step your way out of the “I hate everything” hole and even feel good (gasp) about your current circumstances and where you’re headed. Here’s how.

1. Drop the pressure to be happy all the time.

Let’s clear something up right now: No one feels constantly amazing, and we’re actually not meant to. “Culturally, we’ve developed this sense that if we’re not happy or stress-free all the time, there’s something wrong with us,” Dr. Boardman says.

Like we said, it’s natural to feel sad, angry, worried, down, or like life sucks in general. The issue isn’t the fact that we feel these emotions but how we perceive them, says clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD, who specializes in helping people live according to their values. If you see any negative emotions as a sign of personal failure, you could feel ashamed on top of everything else. So pressuring yourself to be happy all the time actually makes you feel so much worse, she explains. 

By giving emotions that aren’t pure bliss a seat at the table instead of avoiding them, you’ll likely feel a lot less worn down. Repeat after us: It is OK to feel shitty.

2. Mine your misery for helpful info.

Once you get a little comfier with these not-ideal feels, you can start to see them as internal flashing traffic signs giving you some helpful direction.

On the most basic level, feeling like you hate everything (especially if it happens often) could indicate that your negativity filter is stuck in the on position, says Dr. Stern. If that’s the case, your inner world could likely use an assist in the form of self-compassion, self-care strategies, or a mental health pro to help you find a better balance between positive and critical thinking. (Just a heads up, it could also be a sign that you’re dealing with dysthymia, a long-term depression that’s usually considered milder than an episode of major depression.)

Of course, those feelings could also be indicators that something in your life desperately needs tweaking. When you feel like nothing makes you happy, take the opportunity to do some auditing, suggests Dr. Stern. Try to drill down to what feels the most wrong and what it says about the things that are important to you. If there’s a mismatch between your actual circumstances and your values, that’s info you can use. 

Say you’re feeling left out. It could indicate that close platonic relationships are a big deal to you. So, with that in mind, think about what you can do to prioritize those connections. Maybe it’s chiming in on the dormant group chat or sending a meme to the friend it reminded you of. See if you can kick off a new habit that makes friendship a bigger part of your everyday life. 

3. Do a reality check.

When you’re stuck in a negativity spiral, challenging your perspective can help too. Dr. Boardman loves using an exercise created by Martin Seligsman, PhD, director of the positive psychology center at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Start by imagining the worst-case outcome of whatever’s bringing you down. If your relationship just went up in flames and you’re scared you’ll be alone forever, picture your 70-year-old self surrounded by cats featured on an episode of Hoarders. 

Next, indulge yourself in the absolute best-case scenario, she says. Maybe you go all Eat, Pray, Love, meet someone amazing while stuffing your face with pizza in Italy, and live happily ever after. 

Then, find the middle ground. Yeah, maybe you’ll be single for a while. But you don’t even like cats and are OK with meeting the right person later instead of the wrong person right now—even if a whirlwind European romance isn’t in the cards. 

Silly as this exercise might seem when you’re in a funk, it can help you consider that your worst fears may be somewhat unrealistic, Dr. Boardman explains.

4. Take baby steps toward solving a bigger problem.

Weirdly, we often get stuck in the mud of our own misery because it’s easier to say, “Welp, everything sucks,” than do something about it, explains Dr. Boardman. If you feel called out, don’t judge yourself, but get curious: Are there things you can do to feel better that you’re avoiding? (Hint: Probably.)

Consider this your cue to come up with one or two concrete steps you can take (they can be so small!) to make the puzzle pieces of your life fit better. Maybe you don’t take on an extra work project right now, or you carve out 10 minutes for that hobby you love, or you reschedule a hang with a friend who’s been draining your energy, Dr. Stern says. These aren’t dramatic changes, but they might be the tiny shifts you need to make progress toward a happier existence. 

Plus, caring for yourself in non-fancy ways can give you a sense of authority over your life when everything feels like shit. Deciding to do the healthiest thing for yourself now (silence your phone after 9 p.m., don’t start that next episode on Netflix before bed, don’t skip dinner because you’re tired) can go a long way, Dr. Boardman says.

If you’re not sure where to start, think about your basic human needs that aren’t being met and how you can fix that. Feeling worn out? Check your bedtime and the last time you ate something that fueled you. You might find that the solution to your crummy mindset is easier to solve than you thought.

5. Do some good.

No judgment, but negativity ruts have a funny way of making you pretty self-absorbed, says Dr. Boardman. But even if you’re constantly comparing yourself to your seemingly super-happy friends, feel absolutely miserable at work or generally down bad about life, you’re not a selfish person. 

That said, shifting your focus from your life to others’ is a great way to climb out of a “woe is me” cave. “It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s one of the best antidotes we have when we’re in a dark place,” Dr. Boardman says.

It doesn’t have to be anything major. Pick up some garbage in your neighborhood the next time you’re out or help a neighbor carry their groceries inside. Itty-bitty good deeds can really make life feel slightly sunnier.

6. Call for backup.

When things feel bleak, you might want to isolate, cancel plans, or keep your business to yourself, but doing the opposite can shift the vibes. “We have this idea that happiness comes from within, and that it’s all about the individual,” says Dr. Boardman. Humans are social creatures, and it’s OK to need others. In fact, leaning on your friends and community is probably your ticket out of Everything Sucksville. 

So, as you’re finding little ways to show up for others, give your people a chance to show up for you! Ask yourself: “Who can you reach out to to navigate this challenge?” Dr. Boardman suggests. “Check in with a trusted friend or family member who is balanced, helpful, and supportive,” agrees Dr. Stern. “A bit of venting and a lot of problem-solving can pull you out of a cloudy, I-hate-everything storm.” Chances are, they’ve been there, too.

The post How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 04.12.24

How to Actually Be a Happier Person

Gonna go gawk at a sunset. BySam Brodsky

First, a myth worth busting: Learning how to be happy does not mean never feeling shitty ever again. That’s just not realistic. “Life is not frictionless. You’re going to experience loss; you’re going to be frightened or anxious or angry,” says happiness researcher Emiliana R. Simon-Thomas, PhD, science director of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. To imagine that even a happy life won’t have unpleasant moments is a major misnomer, she notes. 

Another big misconception about how to be happier is that it involves a higher salary or getting a fancier job, says psychologist Laurie Santos, PhD. Obviously, money makes a difference in your life—especially when you do not have it. But you don’t need a raise to start feeling a bit happier about whatever’s going on for you right now. What matters most is changing your everyday behaviors and mindset, says Dr. Santos, who hosts The Happiness Lab  podcast and teaches Yale’s uber popular course: Psychology and the Good Life.

Also, happiness isn’t usually a thing that you just stumble upon (though anyone who’s found a $20 bill on the street knows it can  happen like that). Most of the time, you’ll become happier by working on it consistently. Dr. Santos says she likes to explain it with a leaky tire analogy her friend and fellow psychologist Nick Epley, PhD, came up with. You have to keep doing things to pump your joy back up over time. “It’s not like you do them once, and then you’re done and happy forever,” Dr. Santos explains.

Of course, if you’ve been feeling super down for a while, these little happy hacks likely won’t address what’s really going on. In that case, think about whether reaching out to a mental health pro for some support could help you ID the root of your hard feelings and help you sort through it, says Dr. Santos. 

But if you’re just looking for some ways to pump up your own joy, try these expert-backed tips.

1. Make someone else’s day.

It’s been well-documented in happiness research that acts of kindness can make people doing those nice things happier because we’re wired that way. One of the reasons altruism makes us happy is because humans evolved to feel good when they made others  feel good. “What we know at the neuroscience level is that kindness, generosity, or actions that serve others activate the reward pathways,” explains Dr. Simon-Thomas. That’s the same system in your brain that makes you feel good when you see something hilarious on TikTok or eat something really delicious. That system’s activated when your brain associates a situation, experience, or object with a positive outcome. “So it is actually innately pleasing just to do something that has a benefit, that brings joy to others,” she adds. 

Another reason why being a good person to others makes us happier: It enables us to feel like we matter, explains Dr. Simon-Thomas. What makes you feel like your actions are important and valuable is knowing they actually help someone, she says. When you contribute to humanity in some way that you can actually name or identify, even something tiny like holding a door, it reminds you of your innate capacity to make a positive difference in the lives of others, says Dr. Simon-Thomas.

2. Get your friend a little treat when you can.

Despite how great an Amazon haul might make you feel, some research suggests that when people spend money on others (what psychologists call “prosocial spending”), they tend to feel happier than when they spend the same money on themselves, says Dr. Santos. She pointed to a review of research where, in one small experiment, people who spent money on others (donations, toys for siblings, or food for friends) reported happier moods throughout the day than those told to spend the cash on themselves. 

Dropping money for others probably feels good because we’re making people happy, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. As she explains, when we see that somebody else is uplifted or pleasantly surprised because of something we did, it ~sparks joy~ for those biological reasons described above.

The researchers also found that participants who spent money on someone else in an in-person social interaction got even more out of their dollars. For example, “participants who received a $10 Starbucks gift card were happier if they spent it on a friend rather than on themselves—but only if they took the time to go to Starbucks with their friend,” the study authors write. Makes sense—connecting with people we like also makes us feel good. 

Whatever and however you choose to spend your money on others, it definitely doesn’t have to be a whole lot (because…you know…life’s expensive). The participants in the experiments above spent as little as $5 or as much as $20. So there’s that! 

3. Make small talk with a stranger.

When you’re out in public, you might feel like an antisocial goblin who doesn’t want to talk to anyone (and…same). But speaking with strangers instead of keeping to yourself can sometimes boost your mood because it’s a type of human connection, says Dr. Simon-Thomas.

Human connection makes us happy because it enables us to rely on each other to survive and accomplish shared goals, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. “As a cooperative, social species, support from the people around us was critical to our success back in the evolutionary day,” agrees Dr. Santos. 

It’s not a great experience to feel excluded or lonely, Dr. Simon-Thomas adds. So even just connecting with a stranger creates a sense of trust and belonging, she says. 

It doesn’t have to be a super deep convo! Keep it simple and ask the person bagging your groceries how their day’s going, Dr. Simon-Thomas suggests. People in Dr. Epley’s experiments, who were told to purposely try connecting with strangers on public transportation, started convos by saying things like “bless you” after someone sneezed or bringing up the news (did you see  that eclipse?!). Turns out, they reported more positive experiences than those who kept to themselves. Basically, don’t discount the joy-pumping potential of connecting with other humans—even in a small way. 

4. Consider all the things that don’t suck.

Yes, a lot of shitty shit happens in this life—and, again, you can’t expect to not  have any setbacks. However! Purposely taking time to appreciate something seemingly small (like your morning coffee) and something a bit bigger (like a friend helping you through a life change) can be a really powerful way to trigger happiness, says Dr. Santos.

Gratitude can help you view life more optimistically, says psychologist and researcher Robert Emmons, PhD, author of The Little Book of Gratitude. Our brains are really good at accentuating the bad, thanks to something called negativity bias, he explains. So, reminding ourselves of stuff we’re grateful for shifts our minds away from the negative and toward things that make our life good in the present, he says, which can also keep us feeling hopeful about more good in the future.

Just to be clear, gratitude doesn’t mean turning something bad into something good, Dr. Simon-Thomas notes. However, it can  take you out of worry spirals you might be stuck in, she says. In other words, it’s not about ignoring any difficult thing you go through, but it may make going through those things suck a little less because you can acknowledge “you’re making your way out of the dark,” Dr. Emmons agrees. 

You can practice gratitude whenever you catch yourself in these negative spirals, suggests psychologist Emma Seppälä, PhD, author of Sovereign. Like, sure, you’re having a horrible day at work, and it’s 100% valid to feel stressed. But, you can take a pause when you’re on your impending doom ride and think about one good thing that your job has given you (your coworkers, financial stability, whatever it is), Dr. Seppälä notes.

Another gratitude practice is literally just writing out things you’re thankful for in the a.m. or p.m., says Dr. Simon-Thomas. You can also write thank you letters to people in your life, she adds. Send them to people as voice memos, emails, or cards in the mail; tell them face-to-face; or keep it to yourself. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with, she says.

As a bonus, when we remind ourselves (and other people) that we’re grateful for the relationships we have in our lives, this drives human connection, says Dr. Emmons. This is fantastic news! 

5. Pump up the JOMO. 

We’ve established that connecting with others is great for your mental health, but saying no to social plans or non-essential meetings can make you happier too. This might seem sort of counterintuitive (see: guilt). But, with a little mental reframe, you can get excited about being alone or having free time, thus boosting your happiness.

To hack your brain into enjoying your own company, focus on the joy of missing out (JOMO) by relishing in the free time you have, suggests Dr. Simon-Thomas. Another neat tip: Once you’ve officially RSVP’d no, write reminders in your calendar of when the canceled plan or meeting or whatever it was would  have been. This makes it easier to appreciate that you don’t have to do that thing anymore, notes Dr. Santos. You’re being like, “Fuck, yeah! I didn’t do this, and that’s actually a potential good thing.” It’s what’s adorably called the “no-yay effect” from University of Toronto professor Dilip Soman. 

6. Soak in some awe. 

Being in awe feels good since it can trigger gratitude, says Dr. Simon-Thomas (it’s all connected!). Imagine seeing something that makes you go, “Oh, wow”—sorta like glimmers on steroids. Maybe it’s a double rainbow outside your window. You might get all tingly and feel lucky to be witnessing such a cool thing, she notes. You might stop where you are and take a picture of it because you’re so blown away.

Awe can also foster a greater sense of connection with others (which, again, makes us happy!!!), adds Dr. Simon-Thomas. You may want to share this double-rainbow moment with a neighbor who came out to see it. Maybe you chat with them about how they’re doing and offer them some banana bread you baked, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. That’s totally possible because people tend to feel more generous when they’re in this OMG-this-universe-is-incredible state, she says. Awe can really bring people together! 

To promote this feeling in your everyday life, go on a hike, literally just look at a video of nature, or jam out to live music, says Dr. Simon-Thomas. Basically, seek out awe-inducing experiences.  As a bonus, other people might also be there to witness these awesome things with you. And, even if they aren’t, you’ll probably still feel super lucky to see what your eyeballs are seeing or hear what your ears are hearing. Yay for you! 

The post How to Actually Be a Happier Person appeared first on Wondermind.