Pro Tips Link Copied 02.14.25

9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit

Pregame your next function with these tips. ByAlisa Hrustic

It’s rare to find someone who never feels nervous speaking in front of a crowd or making small talk with strangers at a party. (Though, if that’s you, please tell us your secrets.) We all want to make a good impression and genuinely connect with people. That said, if anxious thoughts and feelings become all-consuming, you might be dealing with social anxiety or social anxiety disorder.

ICYMI, social anxiety exists on a spectrum, meaning this is something you can experience a little or lot, even if you don’t fit the criteria for social anxiety disorder. Generally speaking though, if you fear being judged or rejected by others, replay slip-ups in your head, and alter your life to avoid people—and this has been going on consistently for at least six months—you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). 

Whether you’ve been officially diagnosed or you’re just sick of feeling anxious in pretty much every social situation, there are lots of ways to deal with social anxiety. Here, we asked people to share what’s in their social anxiety toolkit. Feel free to borrow their tools for your next dinner party. 

1. A book that breaks down the benefits of being social

“Just like there are books about how to be a better parent or run a better business, there are books about how to be a better friend,” says Smiley Poswolsky, speaker and author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness. 

If your social anxiety gets in the way of making and keeping strong friendships, it might be time to take a beat and explore why these relationships can be such a boon for your health and happiness.

He recommends The Art and Science of Connection by social scientist Kasley Killam, MPH. In the book, Killam lays out why fostering meaningful relationships and prioritizing community boosts your physical and mental well-being. She unpacks the science behind human connection and offers practical tips to help you mingle, chat, or bond better with just about anyone.

2. Meditations that help you be nicer to yourself

If your self-talk sounds like a bully every time you’re getting ready to go be social, cultivating some self-compassion can help manage social anxiety, says Killam (author of the newsletter Social Health With Kasley Killam). 

Killam explains that, back when she struggled to open up to other people, self-compassion meditations taught her how to be kinder and more accepting of herself. That enabled her to become more comfortable around others, she explains. 

And that tracks: When you don’t hold yourself to super high standards or unrealistic expectations, it’s easier to be yourself. Plus, a self-compassion practice can remind you that you’re awesome. That self-esteem boost might make you more likely to believe others think you’re awesome too. All of this can be especially helpful for people with social anxiety. 

If you’re down, Killam recommends these free self-compassion meditations and exercises from researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, as a helpful starting point. 

3. Putting your anxious thoughts on trial

Social anxiety can seriously distort your self-image by fueling the idea that you’re too much or not enough compared to others. So, if your social anxiety has done a number on your self-esteem, Melinde Huez, a confidence coach and host of the podcast Behind the Layers, recommends these journal prompts to flip the script.

1. Write down the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Focus on the ones that carry the most weight. For example: My friends don’t actually like me, I’m not interesting enough to hold good conversations, or, People think I’m weird.
2. Then, write down what you wish you believed about yourself. It could be, My friends love to spend time with me, I ask thoughtful questions, or I make people feel good.
3. For the next couple of weeks, jot down the moments that back up those aspirational beliefs. Did your friends invite you to hang out this week or accept your invite? Did you have a nice conversation with someone new? Did someone thank you for being kind? Over time, you’ll likely notice those positive beliefs are more realistic than you thought. 

4. Convincing yourself you’re actually excited

Anyone who’s ever been told to just “relax” knows this: It’s impossible to calm down when social anxiety jitters hit. So, instead of trying to white-knuckle your way to calm, reframe that energy as something more joyful, says clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety and the newsletter How to Be Good to Yourself When You’re Hard on Yourself. “It’s hard to slow a racing heart and jangling nerves, even when we tell ourselves to calm down,” Dr. Hendriksen explains. 

She points to a study in which participants sang Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ karaoke-style in front of a researcher. Right before they hit the stage, they were told to say one of five different statements: I am anxious, I am excited, I am calm, I am angry, I am sad. Others were asked to say nothing at all.

The “I am anxious” group performed the worst, while the “I am excited” group put on the best show. Why? Before a high-pressure moment, your body revs up. “So, rather than trying to change our physiology, we can change our mindset.” Saying you’re excited helps you believe it, and makes the anxiety-inducing task feel less like a threat and more like a fun opportunity. 

5. Setting a timer

Sarah Wilson is the author of First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, a book that explores her experience with anxiety and bipolar disorder. As a speaker, she knows what it’s like to “turn it on” around others. “I can go out with one or two people and love it. And I can do a presentation on stage in front of 3,000 people,” she says. But she’s also faced the other end of the spectrum: feeling panicky at a party and wanting to leave immediately. 

When that happens, Wilson tells herself, “This is only going to last about 15 minutes. Let’s sit through it. Let’s do this once. Let’s laugh at it.” When it’s over, you’re free to head out—but you might actually feel OK sticking it out for a bit longer.

6. Facing your fears at improv

Hear us out: An improv class might sound emotionally hellish, but it might be just the thing that helps you deal with your social anxiety, says clinical psychologist and friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.

During improv, you might be asked to participate in group games or exercises that feel silly, nonsensical, and yep, a little awkward (see: anxiety-inducing). Still, these scenarios can help you become a better listener, build confidence in a playful and creative environment, and learn to just go with it. “Having finally followed through on a personal goal and registered in an improv course myself, I can attest to the fact that it’s an incredible opportunity for self-reflection and growth,” Dr. Kirmayer says.

7. An affirmation that shifts the spotlight

Keeping an easy-to-remember affirmation in your back pocket can be a game-changer when you’re feeling tense or tongue-tied. Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for our Friendships and host of the podcast Friend Forward, often gives this one to her clients with social anxiety: Curiosity over performance.

“So much anxiety comes from being fretful over the unknown, so we try to make up for that uncertainty by planning, scripting, and performing,” she explains. But these habits tend to do the opposite of what you want (less fun, less genuine connection). So, when you chat with people, take the focus off yourself by being curious. “Ask questions,” Jackson says. Prioritizing curiosity about the other person over your own performance can help you feel less anxious while also making room for you to be surprised and delighted by whoever you’re talking to. 

8. This much-needed pep talk

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it might be you: Perfection is the enemy of the good—and rarely a catalyst for connection, says Dr. Kirmayer, who is part of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. Because a lot of social anxiety is rooted in the fear of being judged, those dealing with it often feel a deep need to appear perfect. But, unfortunately, that internal pressure to be flawless just backfires, she explains. 

So put a note in your phone or a sticky note on your computer reminding you that perfection gets in the way of connection. “We’re drawn to people who are real, who make mistakes, and who are a little quirky,”  Dr. Kirmayer says. “We don’t need perfection in others; we crave authenticity.”

9. Telling your inner critic to eff off 

So, you stumbled over your words, overshared at brunch, or cracked a joke that didn’t land. Now you’re replaying the situation in your head and can’t stop sinking into your personal sea of embarrassment. 

When your mind won’t stop ruminating on the bad, social anxiety and confidence coach Bianca Curley recommends ID’ing one good thing that came out of the interaction or event. Then, tell your inner critic, “At least I did it,” or “At least I tried.”

And when all else fails? Tap a literal “F*ck it!” button. For $12, it’ll always be there to tell you what’s up. As she notes, “Take the seriousness out of it—make light of the situation!”

The post 9 Things to Keep in Your Social Anxiety Toolkit appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.07.25

6 Not-Intimidating Ways to Start a Conversation With Anyone

You’re about to be really good at this. ByEmily Abbate

As a journalist and host of the podcast Hurdle, I’m no stranger to making conversation with people I’ve never met—even those I’m very intimidated by. More than 700 episodes in, one of the biggest things I’ve learned about how to start a conversation is that the nerves dissipate once the convo gets flowing. 

Outside of my job though, kicking off a conversation with new people can still feel scary sometimes. 

And maybe you can relate: Since the pandemic, more of us than ever feel insecure about this everyday social skill, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. If you haven’t been in the habit of connecting with other humans in real life, then of course starting a conversation can seem awkward, she explains 

And even if Covid didn’t directly impact where you work or go to school, things like social anxiety, being extremely online, and losing touch with friends can make us feel socially rusty. 

Still, tiny moments of connection and conversation can sharpen those skills, making you feel less weird talking to someone new (and probably less lonely too), adds Dr. Polyné. 

Don’t freak out, it’s easier than you think! Here, we asked pros for tips to strike up a conversation with anyone. Whether you’re at work, the grocery store, or making a pharmacy run, these pointers will help you feel chill about chatting people up. Look at you go!

1. Check in on yourself first. 

If you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it’s hard to confidently approach people and stay present as you chat, says Dr Polyné. Yeah, that’s kind of a given. But it’s also permission to take a beat to get grounded before jumping into the deep end. 

If you’re not feeling your best, an anxiety-fighting mindfulness exercise can help get you there, she adds. 

The 5-4-3-2-1 method is a classic. Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. That will help you get out of your head and back into the present moment. If that’s too much to remember, you can also just name as many blue (or green or whatever) things you can see around you. 

Box breathing is another solid option. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold again for four counts, and then start the whole thing over. Take as much time as you need to recapture a sense of calm. 

2. Read the room.

Maybe you know this, but the scariest part of starting a conversation is the potential for rejection. While you can’t completely avoid it, you can reduce your risk by using context clues, like body language, to inform your approach, says Dr. Polyné.

Generally speaking, you can usually tell if someone is open to talking—or at least being approached—by the way they carry themselves, she adds. 

For instance, if someone gets into an elevator with their headphones on, grimacing at their phone, they may not be the ideal candidate for small talk. On the other hand, if they’re smiling or at least present in their environment, there’s a stronger chance they’re open to connection, says Dr. Polyné

3. Lead with an open-ended question.

In a perfect world, your opening line—your conversation starter—provides room for a convo to grow. And, most of the time, a yes or no question isn’t it, says Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist.

For example, if you kick it off with, “Did you try that buffalo chicken dip?” you’re likely to get, “Yep,” or, “Nope.” Those answers don’t give you much to work with, which makes it harder to develop a real conversation.

Instead, you can try something like, “What’s the best app you’ve tried so far?” Sure, that could also get you a one-word answer. But you can easily follow, “The meatballs,” with, “Yes, so good! Have you ever tried to make those before?” Or, “Have you ever tried the meatballs from that Italian place down the street?” 

Those open-ended questions give you much more information to build upon, adds Dr. Howes. 

4. When in doubt, ask for an opinion or some help. 

Everyone has an opinion, so asking someone for their perspective or feedback can be a super reliable way to start a conversation with someone new, says Dr. Howes. You can ask the guy at the other table if his sandwich is good, you can ask your neighbor how long they think this stretch of crappy weather will last, or you can ask your cousin’s new girlfriend what podcasts she likes. So! Easy! 

One word of caution though, mentally prepare yourself for opinions that differ from yours, adds Dr. Howes. Instead of rejecting it outright and moving on, stay curious and try to learn how they came to that conclusion, he explains. 

Another simple way to connect with someone is to ask for help, says Dr. Howes. This could be especially helpful if you’re starting a new job or moving to a new place. Asking your coworkers or neighbors for a quick hand or a few pointers can be a great jumping-off point. “I’ve seen many friendships built from this simple tool,” he explains.

5. Show some vulnerability.

While it’s nice to go into a conversation feeling confident or at least grounded, it’s totally fine to acknowledge that you’re low-key freaking out, says Dr. Howes. “One of the most disarming statements is, ‘I feel a little anxious in social gatherings with people I don’t know. Do you ever feel this way?’” says Dr. Howes. 

By saying the quiet part out loud, you’re showing self-awareness and vulnerability, which are easy for other people to engage with, he explains. “You’ll probably be surprised how well it is received,” he adds. 

6. Take rejection like a pro. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is down to chat—and it’s really none of our business why that is. Maybe it’s their personality, life circumstances, a crappy day, or just a mismatch in vibes. Who knows! 

Yeah, getting the cold shoulder feels bad, but the ability to shake it off and move on is an important conversation skill to master. “Remember, one attempt is just one attempt,” says Dr. Polyné. “If it doesn’t go your way, the next one may be great—so keep putting yourself out there.” 

One way to do that is by setting your expectations low. Go into most conversations to get to know someone a little more or just fill time until your buds arrive at the party. If that conversation turns into something amazing, great! If not, that’s fine too. 

If you’re getting the sense that someone isn’t into it, an easy way out is to say, “It was nice to meet you!” and be on your way, says Dr. Howes. “If there was some spark, you might end up talking again. If not, you’ve moved on to meet someone you connect with better,” he adds. 

The post 6 Not-Intimidating Ways to Start a Conversation With Anyone appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.31.25

Everyone Doesn’t Hate You (But Here’s Why You Think They Do)

Let's talk about the liking gap. ByJeff Guenther, LPC

Picture this: You just had a conversation at a party and as you walk away, your brain lights up with not-so-delightful commentary like, Wow, that was awkward. Did I talk too much? Too little? They definitely think I’m the most unlikable person alive. If this sounds familiar, congratulations—you’re human! But here’s the twist: Odds are, they don’t hate you. They probably liked you more than you think, and there’s research to back that up. Enter: the liking gap.

What is the liking gap?

The liking gap is a term researchers use to describe the difference between how much you think someone enjoyed your company and how much they actually did. Spoiler alert: They probably liked you more than you assume. Phew!

A 2018 study published in the journal Psychological Science found that we tend to underestimate how much people enjoy interacting with us. Why? Because we focus on our own insecurities and overanalyze our performance in the conversation, while the other person is likely just enjoying your vibe and not dissecting your every word.

Let’s bring this into real life: You’re chatting with a coworker and feel like you’re rambling about your weekend. Afterward, you think, Ugh, why did I tell that long story about my cat? Meanwhile, your coworker is probably thinking, That was such a fun chat. I should ask about their cat next time!

Now, before you start assuming you’re the belle of every conversational ball, it’s worth noting there are times when the liking gap isn’t at play. For example, if someone is actively avoiding eye contact, giving one-word answers, or physically inching away from you like you’re contagious…yeah, you might be picking up on a genuinely bad vibe. But in most cases, that sinking feeling of they hate me is more about your own inner critic than their actual perception.

How to stop assuming everyone hates you

Now that you know the liking gap exists, how do you quiet that inner monologue telling you you’re the worst? Here are a few tips:

1. Remind yourself that this is really a research-backed thing.

When you catch yourself spiraling into self-doubt after a conversation, pause and think, Oh yeah, this is just the liking gap talking. The science says I’m probably overthinking this, so I’m going to let it go. Being a science nerd finally pays off!

2. Focus on the other person.

Instead of critiquing your every word, shift your attention to the other person. Were they laughing, smiling, or engaging with you? These are clear signs they’re enjoying the interaction. Love your curiosity!

3. Try to stay grounded in the conversation.

When you focus on what’s being said instead of overthinking your own words, you’re less likely to spiral. Try an active listening trick: make eye contact, nod, or reflect back something they said, like, “That sounds amazing—tell me more!” Staying present not only keeps your mind off self-criticism, but it also makes you more engaging. You’re so likable!

4. Practice self-compassion.

Be kind to yourself. Conversations aren’t meant to be performances. If you fumbled a word or told a less-than-thrilling story, so what? People aren’t as harsh on you as you are on yourself. Imperfection is hot!

5. Ask for feedback.

If you’re still stuck in a spiral of self-doubt, you can always check in with someone you trust. A simple, “Hey, was I rambling too much?” can often be met with reassurance that you were totally fine (or even delightful). Very brave vulnerability!

6. Keep perspective.

Finally, remember that people are usually way more focused on themselves than they are on you. They’re likely replaying their own words and wondering what you thought of them. Everyone’s insecure, which, you know, isn’t great, but for the purposes of this article is hopefully at least a little reassuring.

Here’s the thing: Nobody leaves every conversation thinking, I crushed that. But the next time you find yourself spiraling into, Wow, I’m the worst, give yourself a little grace. Chances are, the other person walked away thinking, Wow, what a great chat.

So, let’s make a pact: No more assuming everyone hates you. You’re probably way more likable than you give yourself credit for. And hey, your cat story? It was charming. Trust me.

The post Everyone Doesn’t Hate You (But Here’s Why You Think They Do) appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 01.31.25

8 Social Skills That Might Just Change Your Life

Did you just become the most popular person in the room? ByKylie Gilbert

It’s not in your head: Being a person around other people has become harder over the past few years. Post-pandemic, many say their social anxiety has skyrocketed or their social skills seem kind of rusty, says clinical psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. 

Pandemics, remote work, and chronically canceled plans aside, putting ourselves out there at a party or even one-on-one can feel awkward and extra vulnerable when we’re not used to it. And, chances are, we’re not.

The convenience of communicating over text or social media can easily get in the way of IRL connection. But slacking with our coworkers, sending our friends memes, or group chatting through playoff games and award-season red carpets isn’t the same as in-person interactions. Sure, it scratches the connection itch, but you’re not practicing the social skills necessary to hold a conversation, make someone feel included, or develop a relationship, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

So, if you’re feeling rusty, remember that you’re probably not the only one who feels this way. And, more importantly, you’re not doomed—you can pick up these social skills even without a packed social calendar. 

Here, mental health pros share the hacks that’ll help you become more approachable, engaging, and confident in any social situation. With these tips and a little practice, you’ll build stronger connections and deeper friendships—and maybe even become the most popular person in any room. 

1. Focus on who’s talking.

It can feel super vulnerable to put yourself out there, especially if you’re someone who fears judgment or criticism from others, Dr. Wang says. 

One of the reasons we feel so much pressure is because we’re constantly trying to manage people’s impressions of us, explains Dr. Wang. We think we need to respond perfectly in any scenario. “You’re like a squirrel in your mind, thinking, OK, well, I could say this and then I could say that or I could say this,” she explains. But when you’re so focused on what you say next, there’s no space to connect with other people, she adds. 

Take a second to think about the fulfilling interactions you’ve experienced before. You likely remember feeling heard, not their perfect response to you, explains Dr. Wang. 

So, instead of going into a conversation like a ping-pong match, see yourself as a container that can hold all the things the other person shares with you, she explains. You’re listening to hear, not listening to answer back. 

That’s what the pros call active listening, which means focusing on what the other person is saying and communicating that you hear and understand them. That could mean making eye contact, nodding, or dropping an, “Uh huh,” when it makes sense, says Dr. Gold.

When they’re done, you can recap what they said back to them or ask a follow-up question (when in doubt, you can always go with something like: “That’s so interesting/cool/scary/exciting/etc.” followed by a question asking for more details, like: “What got you into that?”). Those are great ways to show they have your attention, says Dr. Wang.

2. Dig deeper.

When you meet someone new, it’s easy to fall into the same old, “What do you do, where are you from?” line of questioning. Those are cool and fine, but pushing things a bit further (within reason) is a social skill that can help you build stronger relationships—especially fresh ones. 

“You might not land on anything juicy, exciting, or profound, but there’s always something to learn from another person,” Dr. Wang says.

You might try:

• What are your intentions for this year (or season or month)? 
• What’s something you’re excited about? 
• What helped you get out of bed this morning?
• What’s something you couldn’t go a week without doing?
• Who does your social media algorithm think you are? 

It’s always a risk to stray from the norm of small talk, but the reward can be massive. Remember, if someone isn’t down to go deep, that’s OK too! You’re not weird or awkward for going deep, you’re just willing to be curious. (If you’re looking for more questions to add to your back pocket, here are a bunch of not-boring conversation starters.) 

3. Slow down to open up. 

While curiosity and active listening are important for making other people feel heard, your perspective is worthy of sharing too, says Dr. Gold. Plus, it’s a necessary social skill for cultivating connection. “It’s very hard to feel connected to a person who asks a lot of questions but shares nothing about themselves,” she adds.

That said, anxiety in social situations can make it hard to process what the other person says as well as your own thoughts, says Dr. Wang. If you can relate, slowing things down can help. 

In those moments, take a deep breath to slow your heart rate and the pace of the conversation. You can take a beat by saying something like, “Let me think on that for a sec,” or, “Can you say more about what you mean?” That can buy you some time to process and gather your thoughts, says Dr. Wang. 

4. Prioritize warmth.

You know when you meet someone new and immediately want to become their best friend or become…them? Those people usually have a quality called warmth. They smile, they give a kind glance, they use a comforting tone, they say your name. All of that good stuff makes a person kind of irresistible—in a platonic way. 

When you make people feel seen and comfortable, it draws them toward you, says Dr. Wang. Those who communicate really well often exude a high level of warmth, she adds.

Even if it doesn’t feel natural to smile at Greg from accounting, use his name, and ask about his kids, you can develop this kind of warmth over time.

As you get started, think about how fast you’re speaking, the tone of your voice, and your body language. By slowing down a tad, being slightly more expressive, and orienting your body toward the person you’re speaking to, you’re signaling that you’re interested and open to hearing about them. That’s a winning combo for making connections.

5. Challenge yourself to meet one new person at every event.

Yes, it’s tempting to scour the room for someone you know, scroll through your phone until your friend gets there, or befriend the host’s pet. But sticking with these strategies can block potential connections before they come to you. Plus, you’re missing out on the opportunity to strengthen the social skill of putting yourself out there. “Striking up a conversation with just one new person can open the door to more interactions, making it easier for you to approach others,” Dr. Gold says. 

Instead of hoping someone approaches you or burying yourself in your phone, set a goal to approach a stranger at every event, says Dr. Wang.

If you’re at a holiday party where you know basically no one, the options are endless! Choose someone who looks like they’re having fun. If you’re out with friends and know everyone there, make small talk with the bartender or hostess. If you’re at a work event, talk to someone you normally exchange surface-level pleasantries with (it still counts). 

Developing your meeting-people skills makes socializing in unfamiliar spaces way less scary. And you’ll probably learn that most people want to get to know you and share their experiences with you. It’s a bit like exposure therapy, says Dr. Wang. The first step is hard, but it gets easier every time.

6. Match their energy.

Another expert-level social skill is adapting your vibes to meet someone where they’re at. If you normally speak quickly, ask rapid-fire questions, and give a little nudge every once in a while, that can make less outgoing people uneasy. 

That’s where mirroring comes in, says Dr. Wang. If you notice that your voice or body language is really off from the person you’re speaking to, especially if they seem uncomfortable, try to meet them halfway. Mirroring someone’s speech, posture, or physical distance can help them feel more at ease, which fosters a stronger connection, she adds.

The key is to look for subtle cues. “People will give you signs when your intensity level doesn’t match theirs, such as backing up, looking away nervously, or trying to disengage,” she says. When that happens, try to adjust accordingly.

7. Open up your circle.

Maybe you know this, but group events can be extremely intimidating. “When we’re in social settings, we’re making a bid toward other people. We’re saying, Are you willing to talk to me? Are you willing to engage? Are you willing to have a little bit of a longer conversation?” says Dr. Wang. It’s a very vulnerable act. 

That’s why we all need the person at the party who notices those on the outskirts and brings them into the chat. When you’re ready, this person can be you. 

The next time you’re at an after-work happy hour, a housewarming, or a random birthday party, keep an eye out for stragglers. If someone is hanging out on the edge of your group, turn to them, introduce yourself, and invite them in. You can say, “This person was just saying this.” Once they’re caught up, ask them what they think about the topic or change the subject to them.

“That small gesture of opening up your body and making space for someone can make a huge difference in helping people feel included,” Dr. Wang says. Go you! 

8. Use honesty to ease awkwardness.

Like people, our interactions are never perfect. We misuse a word, misunderstand, or say something we regret. In those face-in-palm moments, the best way to course correct is saying the quiet part out loud. 

If you’re nervous, you can try, “I’m sorry, I get really nervous when I meet new people.” If you call someone the wrong name, say, “Oh my gosh, that is not your name, I’m so sorry. Can you remind me?” 

Dr. Wang says this skill is one of the most disarming, vulnerable, and endearing ways to respond to awkwardness. People are not perfect or flawless, she explains. And when we stop pretending we are, others appreciate it. Admitting our flaws is a quality that generates connection, she adds.

The post 8 Social Skills That Might Just Change Your Life appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By

Because you probably don’t really care how someone’s work is going—do you? ByCarolyn Todd

Want to know the secret ingredient for feeling less awkward and more outgoing at pretty much any social gathering? No, it’s not alcohol—it’s a running list of deep conversation starters that will get people talking, sharing, and connecting.   

“I recommend having a few stored in your back pocket that you can turn to when the conversation runs dry or broaches a topic that feels controversial,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. Ideally, you want prompts and questions that are “simultaneously a safe bet, and also interesting,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

So, what are questions that can take you beyond the usual pleasantries when you’re seated next to somebody you don’t know that well? How can you redirect someone when they broach a hot-button political issue? And what are ways to start a conversation that actually creates a deeper connection, instead of just passing the time? 

For answers, we turned to some professionals who literally make a living getting people to open up: therapists. They shared their favorite deep questions and conversation starters (or conversation changers) that you can keep handy this small-talk season. 

And before we get to their suggestions, here’s one bonus pro tip that several of our experts offered: Be prepared to share answers to these deep conversation starters yourself—or even go first. People generally respond better when you lead with a little self-disclosure upfront, says psychiatrist Jessi Gold, MD, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

1. What were some of your favorite memories from the year?

“A great place to start, this question can spark meaningful exchanges that don’t feel overly personal. People love sharing highlights!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

2. Does your family have any fun or meaningful traditions? 

“Most everyone has a meaningful or quirky holiday tradition to share, and this lets them tell the story. They can reveal as much or as little as they’d like and then compare their experiences with others. Not everyone has good memories of past holidays, though, and if this comes up you can easily change the question to ‘What tradition would you like to start?’” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

3. What’s one thing you’ve overcome that you feel really proud of?

“One of my favorites for going deeper is giving people the opportunity to share a challenge they’ve overcome. Questions like this steer people away from the danger zones, like politics, and can really humanize people. It lets them share something real that they’ve grown from. You can follow up with, ‘Well, how did you do it? Did you overcome it the first time? Did you have to keep trying?’ We all have these stories because we’ve all had tough things in our lives—even the most brilliant, successful people on the planet.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

4. What’s something you’ve recommended to friends recently—like a recipe, movie, book, or show?

“People enjoy sharing their favorite finds and this question can help you find common ground.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

5. What’s the worst holiday present you’ve ever received? 

“Humor is a great way to bond, so asking about the worst presents can make for fun conversational exchanges. As long as your giver isn’t in the room, sharing with others about unique or irreverent gifts can lend a lot of laughter to festive occasions.” —Deborah Serani, PsyD. a psychologist based in Smithtown, New York and professor at Adelphi University

6. What’s been bringing you joy lately? 

“This is the other side of the spectrum. Asking somebody what’s bringing them joy recently is a way of having a shared experience with the person. Because when we dip into our joy reservoirs internally, it’s something that you want to share with another person. More often than not, they’re going to want to hear about the glimmers of joy that are happening in your life, too.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

7. What’s something you learned this year that surprised you?

“Us therapists love a deep chat, but I like this one because it allows the other person to pick if they want to answer in a funny light-hearted way or if they want an opportunity for vulnerability and self-reflection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

8. What movie never fails to make you cry? (And why?)  

“Many people have difficulty talking about emotions, especially crying, but this question provides just enough distance to let their guard down. Most people can relate to movie-inspired tears and say the great acting or powerful story was the real source. The follow-up question allows a person to be a bit more vulnerable if they’d like, sharing how they relate to the story.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

9. How have you been feeling?

“I don’t love the standard ‘How are you?’ because people tend to just say ‘OK’ or ‘fine.’ And neither of those are actual emotions. So I like to ask how they feel. I mean, there’s a reason my book is called that! The question makes people actually pause, hear you, and respond with an actual emotion instead of kind of blowing the question off.”  —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

10. What is one thing you changed your mind about this year?

“This question encourages self-reflection and deeper conversations. It’s also great for shifting the focus from surface-level chatter to something more engaging, and people can choose the level of vulnerability with which they want to approach this question.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

11. What niche hobbies or interests are you really into these days? 

“​​This is a good one if the conversation is turning to politics, because most people do like to talk about themselves. I like to find something that the person is interested in or pretty good at and ask questions about it—like how they got into it or what keeps them going. If you turn the conversation to something they love and give them space to talk about it, they’ll often be happy to change the topic and go a little bit deeper.” —Cheryl Chase, PhD, a clinical psychologist and speaker based in Independence, Ohio

12. What’s something you’re really proud of that isn’t work-related?

“If you get bored to tears by the ‘What do you do?’ small talk, then this convo starter is great for you! Plus it invites the other person to share something personal and meaningful beyond professional success, which allows for a deeper understanding and connection.” —Natalie Englander, a cognitive behavioral therapist and mindfulness teacher based in Hertfordshire, England

13. What are you hopeful about next year?

“Hope and optimism can be powerful antidotes to stress or tension. This question can generate uplifting conversations and open the door to checking in and supporting each other throughout the year.” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

14. If money and time were not a factor, what passion would you pursue?

“This question taps into a person’s deeper desires, and by removing time and money barriers they can really let their dreams go wild. Some people reveal an unfulfilled wish, others may talk about charitable work or time with friends and family. It’s a low-stakes question that allows someone to imagine their best life, and you can learn something about them along the way.” —Ryan Howes, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California

15. What’s the last thing that made you laugh?

“Laughter is a quick connector, and this question can lead to lighthearted storytelling or even shared humor (a great litmus test for friendship compatibility!).” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

16. Tell me about a meaningful or surreal experience that you’ll never forget.

“It moves people into reminiscing and savoring past experiences. Also, if you’re in conversation with people that you already know pretty well, there are always pockets of experience that you haven’t actually told each other about. You may not know how a close family member would answer this question.” —Akua K. Boateng, PhD, an individual and couples therapist and therapeutic coach based in Philadelphia

17. Tell me a high and low from your day/week.  

“I like this better than ‘How was your day?’ Because usually when we ask that, people think we want to hear about only one or the other, the positive or the negative. If it’s someone you’re close to, they might tell you only the bad things. Or if it’s someone you don’t know as well, they might tell you only the good things. Asking it this way gives them an opportunity to share about both sides and kind of forces a balance.” —Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer of the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?

18. Which fictional character do you think you’d get along with in real life?

“This is a playful way to explore someone’s personality and interests. It often leads to surprising and fun insights—I rotate lighthearted small-talk questions on the contact page of my website and this is the one I’ve gone with most recently!” —Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert based in Montreal

The post 18 Deep Conversation Starters Therapists Swear By appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.23.24

7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

Spoiler: They probably don't. ByAnna Borges

It wasn’t that long ago that “Why does everyone hate me?” could’ve been the title of my memoir. The thought had been on repeat in my head in some form or another since childhood. Sometimes, it was an angsty thought that popped up when I was fighting with my friends and felt like the word was against me. Other times, it was an earnest plea—the rhetorical question I used to sign off in my journal after recounting my latest encounter with bullies. 

Most of the time, though, it was the default explanation behind emotional injuries big and small. I didn’t get invited to that party? Everyone must hate me. Team grabbed lunch without me at work? Wow, why do they hate me? No new texts? They. All. Hate. Me. The spiral was real.

Luckily, this is no longer my default inner monologue. But if all that self-loathing and blame sounds familiar, I get it. And I’ve learned the long and hard way that, a lot of the time, these feelings have more to do with us—our thought patterns, past baggage, or underlying mental health issues—than with whether people actually hate us. (Spoiler alert: Most people probably don’t.) 

Still, the feeling sucks. But before we talk about what you can do about it, let’s get into why you feel this way in the first place.

Why does it feel like everyone hates you? 

Blame evolution, for one. Back in the day, being excluded from the group could mean the difference between life and death, so humans evolved to be sensitive to signs of social rejection. In fact, we’re so attuned to it that feeling ostracized “activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. That’s why even perceived rebuffs hurt: We’re primed to interpret innocuous cues—like a missed text or a resting bitch face—as proof that someone dislikes us. 

While nobody likes feeling rejected, Dr. Kirmayer says some people are extra sensitive to it for a few reasons. Past experiences of being left out or bullied, especially during childhood, can make rejection hit harder. If you have a mental health condition like ADHD (which is associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria), you might also be more prone to feeling like others dislike you. Not to mention, we can be more or less sensitive day to day based on factors like how stressed, tired, anxious, or depressed we are, according to Dr. Kirmayer. 

Speaking of anxiety and depression, both love to stir the pot with cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking (no one likes me) and taking things personally (their change in tone is definitely about me). 

“Anxiety isn’t logical—it doesn’t always need a reason to feed you off-the-wall messages that people hate you,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Same goes for depression, except it prefers to cloud your perception with feelings of unworthiness (I’m not good enough) and defectiveness (something is wrong with me). 

As you’re probably gathering, there are a ton of reasons why you might be feeling like everyone hates you. But even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why, there are steps you can take to get out of this mindset. Here’s what the experts recommend:

1. Look out for evidence that people actually kinda maybe like you.

Right now, your brain is hyper-focused on “proof” that everyone hates you—whether it’s a friend not texting you back or a coworker looking distracted when you talk. “Our brains want to be right more than they want us to be well,” says Dr. Kirmayer. So they’ll filter out evidence that contradicts the story we’ve created and latch onto anything that supports it.

To combat the hate-colored glasses, Dr. Kirmayer encourages people to collect proof of the opposite—and treat it like a scavenger hunt. “We need to be on the lookout for contradictory evidence—micro moments where someone approaches us, strikes up a conversation, smiles in our direction, or gives us positive feedback,” she explains. “Gather all these small but meaningful interactions and savor them.” 

If you want to take it a step further, Dr. Kirmayer recommends keeping a “win file,” whether it’s a note on your phone or something physical. Having something to look back on when you’re spiraling can remind you that not everyone is out to get you.

2. Ask, “What’s another way to look at this?” 

When that why does everyone hate me? thought pops up, it’s tempting to take it at face value. But those feelings are often based on assumptions, not facts. “Remind yourself this is a story you’re telling yourself, and it might not be as true as it feels,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Once you’re aware, you can challenge the narrative by thinking of other possible explanations besides the rude one your brain jumped to first. 

For example, if you’re at a party and find yourself alone, it’s easy to think, Nobody likes me. “But maybe people were already deep in conversation when you arrived,” Dr. Kirmayer points out. “Or maybe others are waiting for you to make the first move.” Or if you’re lamenting your silent phone, is it possible your friends might be wondering why they haven’t heard from you, either? “Getting in the habit of asking, ‘What’s another way to look at this?’ unlocks the door for other possibilities,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

3. But also ask: “What’s this trying to tell me?” 

This isn’t to say that the feeling of being disliked is just something to reframe—it might be a sign that you need a change. “There are times when we shouldn’t just squash that thought,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “It could be telling you something important, like ‘I don’t feel comfortable in this situation,’ or ‘I don’t feel valued by these people.’” In these cases, she says it’s worth exploring whether you need to seek out new people, set boundaries, or make changes to your surroundings. 

This reflection can also be an opportunity for personal growth. “Sometimes, it’s about looking at what you can do differently,” says Dr. Kirmayer. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for feeling excluded, but it could be a chance to strengthen your communication skills, make amends, or learn from past mistakes. Whether it’s trying to become a more supportive friend or volunteering in your community, engaging in prosocial behavior can stop you from ruminating on your personal feelings while reaping the mental health benefits of being around others. 

All that said, sometimes the feeling might be trying to say, “Something else is going on here!” If you’re not sure what it might be…

4. Look for patterns. 

Do you tend to have these spirals at night? Around certain groups of friends? When scrolling social media? In pretty much all social situations? “Getting clear on when and where these thoughts show up can be very helpful in spotting patterns and next steps,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

For example, if you only ever think, Wow, I hate myself and so does everyone else after hanging with a certain friend group or while at work, it might be more about addressing a specific unhealthy relationship or setting boundaries within a triggering environment. You might even find that you have an identifiable trigger to eliminate (like screen time when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable). “If there’s something specific bringing up feelings of insecurity or otherness, that’s something you can work with,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

On the flip side, if these feelings pop up across multiple areas of your life—friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners—that’s a sign there’s a deeper issue, belief, or behavior to address. Figuring it out may take time (and possibly professional help). “There are so many paths people can take to get to the same conclusion,” Dr. Hendriksen says. Anything from self-esteem struggles to a personality disorder can leave you feeling like everyone hates you, but spotting patterns is a solid starting point for unpacking it.

5. Remember: People won’t always like you—and that’s OK.

Actually, Dr. Hendriksen recommends taking it a step further and accepting that some people will full-on dislike you. “Maybe we understand intellectually that not everyone will like us, but it’s also important to realize that some people actively won’t—and that’s part of life,” Dr. Hendriksen says. It’s not like you love everyone you meet either, right? 

If that feels like a hard pill to swallow, remember that people’s feelings often have little to do with you. “There are all sorts of reasons why people may not like us that have nothing to do with who we are,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. You might remind them of someone from their past or trigger a memory that makes them uncomfortable. “Whatever it is, we don’t have control over whether people like us.”

6. Celebrate what you like about yourself.

Instead of fixating on whether people like you, shift your focus to what you like about yourself. Dr. Hendriksen suggests affirming the qualities that make you feel good, even if they have nothing to do with other people’s approval. “Rather than trying to reassure yourself that people like you, affirm the other things you know to be true about yourself, even if they have nothing to do with friendship or approval,” she says. 

Maybe you’re a hilarious storyteller, an amazing cook, or the most attentive dog mom at the park—whatever it is, slip it into your morning affirmations, journal about it, or just remind yourself when the dreaded feeling hits. Plus, long-term, this shift helps build a stronger sense of self-worth and self-love that isn’t dependent on how others feel about you.

7. Whatever you do, don’t isolate.

When you feel like everyone hates you, it’s tempting to pull away from people and turn to self-isolation—but avoiding social situations will only make things worse. “It turns into this self-fulfilling prophecy where people anticipate rejection and close themselves off from the relationships that they need,” Dr. Kirmayer says. From there, it can kick off a vicious cycle—the more we pull away, the more sensitive to rejection we become, the rustier our social skills get, and the more like an outsider we feel, she explains.

Instead, Dr. Kirmayer and Dr. Hendriksen suggest you keep putting yourself out there. And while you’re at it, don’t expect to reach a point where you never feel insecure or disliked. “When the thought pops up, remind yourself, ‘Oh, this is just what my brain does sometimes,’” Dr. Hendriksen says. “That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.”

The post 7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 08.06.24

8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today

It's possible that second cold brew betrayed you. ByAnna Borges

Have you ever been chilling—just minding your own business—when, out of nowhere, anxiety enters the chat? Despite there being no discernable stressor around, it hits you with a bang of sudden panic or creeps up with a sense of dread, sweaty palms, or any number of other fun anxiety symptoms that decide to come along for the ride this time.  

If you’re anything like me, you might start going through the checklist of common culprits: Is there a legit threat around? Something I forgot to be anxious about? A sense memory from that time I puked in front of everyone in fifth-grade gym class? And when you come up blank, you’re left wondering: OK, then why the heck am I freaking out?!

The good news: You’re not alone. The less-good news: There are so many possible anxiety triggers that can set you off at any given time. We checked in with some experts to find out why you might be anxious at this (or any other) moment. 

What does it mean to “trigger” anxiety, anyway? 

Well, first, it’s certainly possible that nothing in particular kicked off your anxiety response—disproportionate or seemingly baseless anxiety is often seen as the hallmark of certain anxiety disorders like general anxiety, social anxiety, or panic disorder. But, most of the time, anxiety pops up or worsens thanks to a specific trigger—some of which you might not even notice or think to connect to anxiety.

“Sometimes we experience something stressful and logically feel real anxiety as a result,” says Ellen Vora, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and author of The Anatomy of Anxiety. Think of common anxiety inducers like speaking in front of a large crowd, taking an important exam, or watching a scary movie. Then there are the less tangible but just as triggering culprits: our own thoughts! These usually come in the shape of cognitive distortions like catastrophizing, ruminating, and jumping to negative conclusions. No surprise if you get anxious when that happens, right?

Other times we get what Dr. Vora calls “false anxiety”—not because it’s any less valid, but because it’s not kicked off by anything conventionally anxiety-inducing. We’ll get into a ton of examples of this in a bit, but basically your body and brain are interpreting your current situation as something to get really freaking anxious about. Dr. Vora emphasizes that being aware of these less common triggers is crucial for tackling anxiety effectively, whether you have an anxiety condition or need help managing anxiety when it occasionally pops up.

Here are some of those lesser-known anxiety triggers to keep an eye out for. 

1. You downed too much caffeine.

OK, if you’re an avid caffeine consumer who also struggles with anxiety, you probably know on some level that the two aren’t exactly a match made in heaven. Consider how caffeine impacts your body: It stimulates your central nervous system, increases your heart rate, and can make you feel jittery and on edge. “When we’re over-caffeinated, the effects feel synonymous with what we call anxiety,” Dr. Vora explains. And, unfortunately, your mind isn’t always great at distinguishing between the two. Sometimes it feels those cold-brew flutters and just assumes the worst. 

As for how much caffeine is too much? The FDA cites 400 milligrams (or roughly four cups of coffee) a day as generally safe, but your personal line between appropriately caffeinated and just plain anxious might be below or above that. So it helps to pay attention to how you feel after slurping coffee, tea, soda, or the caffeine vehicle of your choice. 

“Taking moments to pause and notice, ‘I’m feeling extra restless and on edge—did I have too much caffeine today?’ is a really important piece of monitoring how caffeine affects you,” says Natasha Reynolds, MDiv, a psychotherapist with Bloom Psychology. “Maybe your morning cup is just fine but your afternoon pick-me-up pushes you over the edge.” 

2. You didn’t get enough sleep last night.

You might be used to anxiety and racing thoughts wrecking your sleep, but did you know it can be a two-way street? Sleep helps us function in a zillion different ways—recouping the mental resources we need to regulate our emotions, maintain cognitive function, and support our overall brain health, to name a few. So it’s no surprise that not getting enough sleep can be a recipe for increased anxiety throughout the day. 

“We have a limited reservoir of mental energy that gets depleted during the day and then it gets replenished at night while we sleep,” Dr. Vora says. “So if we’re not getting adequate sleep, we wake up and set out into the day with a limited capacity for executive function.” Meaning we might be way more susceptible to minor stressors that wouldn’t normally get under our skin. 

3. Your blood sugar is low.

Whether you skipped a meal or have a condition associated with hypoglycemia, low blood sugar can lead to symptoms that mimic anxiety, such as shaking, sweating, and irritability. Like a lot of body oddities, that’s by design. According to Dr. Vora, this response is meant to cue us to forage for food (evolutionarily speaking). “It’s a decent design—it just so happens to unfortunately feel the same as anxiety,” Dr. Vora says.  

As for clues your blood sugar is to blame and not some other possible trigger? “If I have a patient who identifies with a feeling of hanger, that’s a pretty good sign that they might also experience anxiety when their blood sugar crashes,” Dr. Vora says. If you’re wondering if low blood sugar might be contributing to your anxiety, Dr. Vora recommends talking to a medical professional about it—whether that’s a primary care provider you trust, a registered dietician, or a holistic psychiatrist like her. 

4 You’re dehydrated. 

Another way you can leave your body extra susceptible to anxiety? Not watering it enough. I know, we really are just complicated plants. But it’s true—dehydration can cause symptoms like dizziness, heart palpitations, and headaches, which can be mistaken for anxiety or make existing anxiety worse, says Dr. Vora.

“A lot of my patients will have a panic attack in a setting like the subway and think, I’m scared of crowded places or being underground,” says Dr. Vora. “In reality, they’ve been standing on a hot subway platform for way too long and aren’t properly hydrated, so their heart starts to race in order to keep pumping enough blood to their brain, and suddenly, their body is back in a stress response.” Even if you do find certain scenarios nerve-wracking, Dr. Vora says staying hydrated is another tool for keeping your body calm and preventing unnecessary anxiety.

5. You’re hungover.

Hangxiety—that overwhelming feeling of dread and worry that hits the day after drinking—can be equal parts physical and emotional. For one, drinking can screw with your sleep, dehydrate you, and mess with your blood sugar levels, so the excess anxiety from the previous three points usually applies here, too, says Dr. Vora. Plus, as we previously reported, there’s a whole booze-fueled shift in neurotransmitters to blame for those morning-after mind games.  

And you might just wake up feeling extra regretful or anxious about what you might have said or done while intoxicated. “There’s often a lot of social anxiety as you reflect back on the night,” Reynolds says. “You’re feeling vulnerable, wondering, Did I do something wrong? Was I more talkative than usual? Should I be embarrassed?” It’s not hard to guess how your hungover brain would take that and run into full-on post-social scaries.

6. Your environment is overstimulating. 

We all have different tolerances for sensory input, whether you get frazzled in loud, crowded, or visually chaotic environments or can’t stand specific sights, sounds, textures, smells, or tastes. “Sometimes, when there’s all this input from different places, you can fall into a state of sensory overload,” Reynolds says, noting how many people describe feeling overstimulated as similar to anxiety. The feeling often lingers too. “You might get home from a really overstimulating day at work and wonder why your heart is still racing and you can’t seem to wind down.” 

You might be more sensitive to sensory triggers and the ensuing anxiety for a few reasons. Maybe your body isn’t up to the task of filtering thanks to another culprit on this list (say, lack of sleep or low blood sugar). Other conditions like ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, and PTSD have been shown to increase your sensitivity to sensory input and exacerbate anxiety too.

7. You’re scrollin’ and scrollin’ and scrollin’. 

You’ve probably noticed that the tiny device in your hand can stress you out—especially when it’s serving up the latest dread-inducing headlines. But it’s not just the content that can make you anxious as you scroll. 

Blue light exposure after sunset is associated with (you guessed it) poor sleep, as well as a feeling of alertness and arousal. The latter isn’t always a bad thing, but as with other things on the list, our body is sometimes quick to translate the sensation as anxiety, Dr. Vora says. So, while it might feel like a harmless habit, scrolling through social media late at night can set off a chain reaction that heightens physical symptoms of anxiety and disrupts your overall well-being.

8. You’ve picked up on some other unconscious cue. 

When you hear the word “trigger,” you might think of highly specific and personal things that are hard to sum up on a list like this—like smells that take you back to a time you feared for your safety, someone’s uncanny demeanor that flips your fight-or-flight switch, or some other deep sense memory that’s associated with something not great. 

In the moment, you’re not always aware of what’s vaulted you back to a stress-inducing time in the past—but you might recognize, “Hey, I’ve felt this way before,” says Reynolds. “No matter how our past traumas get triggered, it leaves us vulnerable to anxiety,” Reynolds says. Even if you can’t stop the wave of anxiety that follows, awareness still helps, she says. Being mindful of your sensitivities can, at the very least, keep you from getting caught off guard when the anxiety hits. 

The bottom line:

Anxious feelings don’t always show up with a clear and obvious explanation. Sometimes the cause is more subtle or personal because, well, bodies are weird. So if you notice your anxiety revving up unexpectedly, do a little investigating. Once you know what sets your anxiety off, Reynolds says, you can learn how to avoid it. 

That’s not to say the lesson here is to avoid all the triggers. “Identifying the seemingly benign aspects of our modern lives that create anxiety allows us to make informed choices,” Dr. Vora says. Maybe you skip that second cold brew or pay more attention to your sleep and alcohol intake if these things tend to set an anxious spiral into motion. “There are no rules about what we do with this information, but we deserve to know how they’re impacting our anxiety levels.”

The post 8 Surprising Reasons You’re Feeling Extra Anxious Today appeared first on Wondermind.